Sometimes your siblings are in different stages of denial and or the favorite at the time and there is no talking to anyone as you are mostly strangulated from one another, even from other distant relatives. It was my children, some of them who were able to share with me and they could see what had occurred before I did. My heart goes out to you, to all of us. The pain, the loss of time and development of what we could have been, even when we overcome challenges to produce a good life. I always think of what I could have done or been as I cannot get back the years of time to catch up with others. Holidays are coming up, this is going to be hard. Peace to you.
I feel the same way exactly. I so deeply yearned for a sibling in youth and even now. I can't lean on my mother, no father, no siblings... sometimes I feel like an orphan. My lifelong best friend grew apart in the past few years, and she's best friends with her sisters and mom, while, for me, she sometimes felt like my whole family... at least in adulthood I have the peace of not living with my mom. There will always be a spot of loneliness, though.
I’m 66 years old and the only child of a physically, mentally and emotionally abusive narcissistic mother. I also had the misfortune of looking just like my philandering father. My parents stayed together for revenge. Neither would give the other the pleasure of leaving. I took all of his beatings. I left home at 17, couch surfed for years, ultimately going from one unhealthy relationship to another. I’ve spent half of my life in therapy and eventually cut ties with my mother, however I never realized how my upbringing affected my relationship choices until I discovered your videos. After I left a recently rekindled relationship with what I would later identify as a covert narc, I left the country for 3 months to be with myself. I am back and starting over with nothing but the understanding that I AM enough, my life has value and I don’t have to relive the dynamics of my childhood in perpetuity. Thank you Dr.Ramani for your life changing insights.
Wow! Thank you for sharing your experience. I wish you only the best for your life. As cliché as it may sound, but the rest of your life can be the best of your life. Good for you for discovering your greatness a priority. ❤
Only daughter. Spent my life trying to placate my narcissistic father and protect and cheer my depressive mother. I grew up with no sense of self, no sense of agency, and no idea of what I actually liked or wanted. I was the perfect child, straight-A student, never rebellious or even disrespectful, always prioritizing my parents’ emotional (and functional, and financial) needs. And, of course, always judged and valued solely on the basis of my most recent service to the narcissist. No achievement, no level of subservience was ever enough. At the end of their lives, my mother developed dementia and my father convinced her I was evil and hateful. Fortunately I’d had the good luck or good sense to marry a non-narcissist-plus truckloads of therapy-so I was able to cope, but it was still agonizing. With their deaths, sadly but honestly, I have finally (at age 60) developed what I believe is a healthily functioning ego and some reliable emotional awareness and control. It’s never too late to find effective coping mechanisms and a healthier self-image!
I am an only child. I am now 50. I grew up mostly in a single parent household. I have always been a caregiver, even as a kid. My mom acts like I owe her something just for having me. Even though, she is 75 with health issues, she still acts entitled. I didn't realize until a few years ago that I have been in romantic relationships that strongly parallel my relationship with her. I am recovering and trying to get on with my life after separating from a malignant narcissist which helped me learn of my mom's narcissism. It is hard.
I had only narc. mom. No father, no grandparents. When I was 43, I was diagnosed with cancer, my mom had no empathy. She said to me:" Look, you cant die before me." It was threat. Since then I am no contact, I do not miss her at all.
OMG...same experience. But mine told me, I thought you're strong enough to handle it. After she distanced herself from me. So good for me. No contact and I don't have to deal with her at all in her old age.
I'm an only child of a covert-narcissistic single mother. I know what I've been trough but I'm truly thankful for it, I'm a poet for 20 years. I think kids that are only child of a narcissistic parents have no choice but find creativity within and escape.
@@vyaptimehra nope, not yet. I'm 33 and I'm not married, not saying this as a bad thing, it just never was my priority. Time to think about it though. I still live with my mother because she needs help, I cannot just walk away, she is 83. Yeah, she is 50 years older, I'm adopted. I'm fully aware that she does not even love me and that she fakes everything, but it does not really affect me anymore. I just decided to stay with her as part of my responsibility, I would hate my guts if I just walk away and leave this woman alone. She's the most helpless thing ever, as you probably know.
@@caroleminke6116 nice to hear that (that you became a poet, not the depression), I started at 13. I guess we're all different, I had periods of heavy depression, but when I look back I think the poetry is actually the one thing that saved me from going too deep. I actually have a song called "ONLY CHILD" which will be released when I'm done with all of this. I really hope you'll get better. If I speak for myself, I can say that even though this life would be a living hell for 90% of the people, I am not depressed and I actually became thankful for all of this sht. It made me a man that can look into the eye of everything and face it on my own. So yeah, everything has a flip-side, and I often try to look at the potential positive of all the negative things. And there's a lot of potential positives. Cheers, keep you head up
This was my journey as well! I wrote constantly in youth, my dream was to be a poet but I was pushed to pursue classical music. I switched my degree at university to English, focused on poetry. Making art, any serious Art with a capital A, is a toil for the soul, striving to create something important, beautiful, insightful, and technically masterful...capturing that elusive muse... For me, I HAD to focus myself and my voice somehow. If I had had a happy childhood, I highly doubt I would have ever picked up the pen. I think of the "tortured artist" stereotype--but which comes first? The torture, or the art? I wonder if any artist has ever been contented.
I was the child that held multiple roles. Depending on the mood and feelings they held about me at the time no matter the role they had to have it their way. I got older and start developing. Then I saw the mess and the nitpicking began. I was and felt like a tool to manage their lives.
Yes I was mostly raised by my father who never saw my needs. I started working very young so I could have school clothes and supplies. I would iron clothes, babysit and do yard work until I got my first job. He's still very selfish and I don't speak to him if I don't have to. I have a son and I've worked very hard all of my life and I took very good care of my son's needs and I still take care of him as an adult if he needs something. I'm happy that I wasn't the same type of parent that my father was to me with my son.
I often say that I have been taking care of my mom for 60 years. My mom was a covert narcissist and I was expected to be her confidant, her comforter, her provider, and, I was expected to provide her with the life she never had when she was a child. She used to do my homework and take over my art projects and if i wanted to do them myself she would yell at me and say i was a selfish, stingy brat-that she never had the opportunity to go to school past 3rd grade and never got to do fun things like i was doing so if i was a good daughter i would share and let her experience things she never got to, so i let her take over my homework, my projects, my life because i felt guilty for having the opportunity where she didn't. She also took over my friends, and i wasn't allowed to go anywhere without her along because she said i wasn't being fair to her. Now that she is very old, she is admitting to me that she considered me a burden "once you have a kid your life is over" " I could have been successful, could have accomplished this or that, etc, had I not had you to take care of. You caused me to be stifled in my life" "it's all your fault" Now I regret investing so much of my life in trying to help her because she secretly resented me anyway. I have since found out she used to tell my aunts and my grandparents what a burden I was and how disappointing I was, how hard it was on her to raise me, so they were disappointed in me too. 😢
Only child of two narcissistic divorced parents who remarried narcissistic partners, and yet my childhood taking care of them is still my reality at 56. My dad took his own life (on Christmas Eve) 12 years ago after his wife left him and moved out. I was the one who got that phone call and sat next to him alone all night in the hospital. She took the entire estate and bought a house for her son from her first marriage, leaving nothing for my only child, then 7 (and my dad’s universe) or me. Now I’m dealing with my mom in memory care while her husband (the stepdad who she married after I was an adult, having spent my childhood taking care of her) gave POA to his daughter, who isn’t local. So, guess who is taking care of her - by way of an even more complicated scenario? As I type this, I’m terrified of the “self victimized” critique, which is the badge of shame and weakness I feel like I wear on my back if I dare to share any of it. A highly emotionally abusive relationship with a malignant Narcissist landed me in the care of an amazing therapist 17 years ago (since not doing private practice) who introduced me to NPD before anyone talked about it. She saved my life. And reminded me with persistence, “no, it’s not you.” #greatminds :) Still, and with many, many years of her brilliant support and my own intense self analysis work, I find it near impossible to break the pattern of narcissistic intimate partners. I’m so grateful for your work, Dr, Ramani. ❤
Thank you so much for this, both parents are Narcs and I really appreciate feeling seen bc it’s so specific and no one understand the pressure and perfectionism
I am the only child of a blended narcissistic family. I was expected to do everything for my parents. I was the therapist, best friend, chef, cleaning lady, and personal punching bag. It was awful growing up with constant criticism and judgment. Nothing was consistent except for drama. I finally had enough abuse and decided to go no contact. These toxic family systems don't change!
I have a story about this so convoluted I have been asked to write a memoir of my experiences. My mother had 4 major lifetime partners, 3 of them raging narcs. First was my father, we left when I was 18 months. Went into hiding. She married the second partner, I was adopted. Name changed. He did not want kids, so forced my mom to terminate a pregnancy and tie her tubes. They divorced a year later. Both remarried to families with kids, no explanation to me at alll. Both later divorced. I went from golden child to truth seer, to scapegoat in every family system. Adopted father died 2 years ago, and nobody even told me. Recently my bio father found me- and now suddenly, at 49, I am the oldest of four siblings and an "aunt" to 11. So much processing, it is unreal. I also live on a different continent from everyone. I struggled for years thinking my story would never be interesting enough to anyone to write about it.
I told my parents they couldn’t have more children when I was 7 because I didn’t want anyone else subjected to what that house was like. I was the peacekeeper for perfectionists who should never have been married. Since it was just me, I was supposed to be worth every sacrifice and nothing was ever good enough. I also didn’t have anyone else to be a witness to the things they did, so my extended family thinks I’m broken because I don’t want to see or spend time with them
Only child here; I had no idea my dad was a narcissist until his dying days. Like you said, I was never quite sure how to be better or to be loved by him-- he seemingly was never content or satisfied with me or with his life, and toward the end of his life he lived in total fear of 1) getting Covid (which he did not) 2) getting dementia (which he did) 3) his wife/my mom dying (which she did) and 4) himself dying (which he did not want!)... I always thought I was unlovable; he used to tell me "Don't get married!" It took one woman to love me truly to help me see I was lovable; After we married (later in life I might add), he didn't like her because she stood up to him. She helped me establish boundaries with him so he ended up being mad at both of us and then looked for his narcissistic supply from his brother and sister- who, turns out, are BOTH narcissists as well. Well, now that he's dead, his bro and sis don't talk to me. Ugh. I also want to add that his love was conditional toward the end-- he hung my inheritance over my head as the reason I needed to do whatever he told me to do! He also insisted I never had the right information-- I was wrong about every single thing he talked about. He also claimed he was never wrong in all his life! Imagine that-- 83 years of never being wrong. My wife and I figured out he was not mentally well. It was a tough last few years with him and his fearful, demented, paranoid self. When he died I felt a great relief! I wish my dad wasn't like this, but he was. And at least I can think back to good memories with him- he wasn't a total monster. Dr. Ramani-- your videos have helped me understand narcissism and helped me heal a bit; local mental health people I've visited with weren't as helpful as your videos.
I read a book over 30 years ago named Dibs in search of self. Written by Dr.Eileen Axline. The book was eye opening about an emotionally lost little boy who was really a genius.
I am an only child and a scapegoat in a family with an abusive and malignant narcissistic father and mother enabler and gaslighter. Now they are old and need my help and this is a nightmare. I am still a scapegoat for two extremely difficult parents. I feel like running away.
Dr. Ramani is always on the money. Only child of two narc parents who do and say basically everything textbook regarding guilt and manipulation. I was useful for optics until I became pre teen and I was discarded to do my own parenting. Suffered physical, mental, and financial abuse. Parents circled back to try and get money off me once I was an adult. Went NC with father and now dealing with remaining nmom as grayrock. I refuse to be guilted or bullied any longer.
as an only child of a narcissistic parent my main worry is her aging. She has chose not to work for more than half my life. She just takes money from the government and those around her feel pity and give her money in birthday cards, holiday etc. She constantly just uses those around her to get things and never works for them. She has no retirement plan and randomly she will say to me you better not put me in a home when im older. Why is it my responsibilty to figure out her future. Putting her in a home would cost HELLA money in the first place and she sure as heck aint living with me. I feel this stress of the future everyday its so stupid. I literally hate her but feel pity to not text her back.
Me hopping in the same boat with you, because I'm also already getting the preemptive "You're going to put me in a hursing home!" guilt trip. Apparently, it's my duty to quit my job and be a full time caregiver, as if I'm indebted to her forever.
My mother made me everything . I was the target for her violence , her rival ( in her mind ) when puberty hit , her s** therapist ( when puberty hit ) , her beauty pagent contestant , her proof that she was an exceptional parent when her siblings kids were struggling . She kissed my high-school boyfriend like a lover . In front of me . She exposed me to s abusers that she dated . Then when she had terminal bone cancer her husband said he couldn't take care of her so she was in my livingroom in a hospital bed . She was still screaming and swearing at me while I changed her diapers . So glad she's gone .
I had the same kind of mother. I was the object for her violence. She would come to visit me and have her insane rages. She made my childhood friends her own I got phased out of relationships because she saw everything as hers That included any boy who wanted to get to know me. She often acted like a mean girl peer rather a mother.
Initially my older sister was the scapegoat but she left home at 14 to live with friends. I became the scapegoat then. I had a history of physical and emotional abuse from an early age. My mother and stepfather were alcoholics. I witnessed extreme domestic violence from an early age. I understand from reading It’s Not You and your podcasts that my mother was apparently a self righteous narcissist. And apparently my grandmother was as well. My biological father was prevented from having contact with me. He was very kind, a free spirit. My grandfather on my mother’s side was a very kind, compassionate and giving Irish man. But I suffered greatly. Saw a psychologist at age 17 after seeing a psychiatrist at the same hospital. I was diagnosed with chronic anxiety and agoraphobia. It would take years before it spontaneously remitted (early to mid 20’s. I had called the hospital initially and they blew me off. I persisted by going to the hospital department of psychiatry and kind of forcing my way in. I was then seen by a psychiatrist. I was hospitalized for 3 weeks and transferred to a psychologist there. It occurred to me that they hadn’t seen instances of this by a person as young as I was. He used CBT, desensitization and I was also seen by a relaxation therapist. After 3 weeks I was discharged with prescriptions but I discovered that they were anti psychotic meds. I was so sedated in my student dorm that I could barely get out of bed. A girlfriend of mine who had a room next to me was extremely understanding and helpful. Then another student in the dorm stepped in. She was studying Law and came from a very wealthy family. She had her own car and would drive me to appointments at the hospital. Of course, I was in high school. I had started working as a clerk at a convenience store at age 14. By the time I was 16 I had been promoted to assistant night manager and later to night manager. In those days convenience stores closed at 11:00 p.m. So I went from school (out at 3:15) to my job which started at 4:00 p.m. I was able to leave home and support myself thank God. It would however require therapy and the same held truly into early adulthood and at later stages in my life. This was in the 70’s. Nothing was ever mentioned about narcissistic personality styles at that time. In fact, it’s only in the past 5-10 years that this character disorder has been recognized. So, thank God for you Dr. Ramani and also David Kessler. I’m in my 60’s now and just left a relationship with a covert/malignant narcissist 2 years ago. There was a lot of trauma and damage. This was 2 years ago. There are still remnants left over at present. Radical acceptance was difficult but then the fallout from grief has been much more challenging. I was in this entanglement for close to 8 years. Of course, I didn’t see him coming. Being an empath was a vulnerability for me. I realize that he chose me. I interpreted the love bombing as genuine love in the beginning. I didn’t think that there were people like this out there. Now I am wiser thanks to you. As I said earlier, your podcasts and books have been a Godsend. It’s Not You really resonated with me. I’ve read it twice and I am ready for a third read. The subtypes of antagonistic personality styles have many components to them and they are multifaceted, if that’s the right word. But I know that you know exactly what I mean as the world’s foremost authority on all things narcissistic. I left the entanglement with many emotions and triggers from childhood thinking how insidious. I do know that by exposing him (pulling off the mask) was the beginning of the end. He has remained indifferent and silent. His alternative reality is delusional. What bothers me the most is how many victims there were before me and how many guys are and will be ensnared in his web of lies, deceit and betrayal. I feel that this may well be something demonic. Covert/malignant narcissism. I suspect and fear that the prevalence of this character disorder may be greater than one in six. With gratitude I can say thank you so much Dr. Ramani. I know that I speak for countless others. Kindness and love, Patrick K Sicard ❤
i’m 51 now. a scapegoat. i left my malignant parents and covert siblings. ended married a covert husband.. after years he changes become covert malignant. he uses all my trauma against me. we have one daughter. me and our daughter become his punching bag. we have anxiety walking on eggshells every day. 3 years ago my daughter had few panic attacks. he abused me mentally and financially.. i started working 6 months ago. now plan to divorce. slowly because divorce needs lots of money.. my daughter is my everything.
Oh my. Yes thank you. It's so hard. I was an only child of religious narcissistic family. When I was 18 I moved out and then they adopted my 12-year-old cousin who quickly became the Golden child. He was a boy. He was an athlete, got good grades. Was happy to attend all their church services. He became their everything where my college and early 20s successes were completely ignored. We all had to support him. He was smart and moved to another state once he was old enough to and now I'm stuck taking care of everything for them. I do doctor's appointment, surgeries, medicine, household chores, anything she needs. But if my brother just sends flowers I hear what would I do without him?? It makes me sad. I wasted my time trying to be good enough for them when it's never going to happen. Nobody understands my strained relationship with my cousin. I know it's not his fault.
My narc mom definitely played up the triangulation between my dad and me. From the time i was basically old enough to speak, i was always getting told what a horrible, mean, nasty person he was. (My parents were married and lived in the same home my entire life until i was 25) I was always told he didnt love us, didnt care about us, he liked his friends more than he liked my mom, he was never there for us and was a bad father/husband, etc. (even though he was the sole breadwinner and my mom never worked a day in my life lol) And when I hit about 11 or 12, which is when my mom REALLY started being jealous of me and hating me, she would weaponize my dad against me as well. I had gotten taller than her at that point and i was less easy to bully and intimidate so she would use my dad to do it instead. She would tell him how terrible and "disrespectful" inwas and make up a bunch of "crimes" i never actually committed while he was at work that day to get him really mad at me so he would come in and hit me, break my things, dump my dogs (once even had his shoot my dogs) as "punishment" for whatever she decided i did that day. We were never really allowed to be alone together much after i hit puberty. She didnt like it if we could talk without her. All of our talking had to go through her first.
Wow! ....how did u cope? Ur mother was jealous of u,so r u a girl? Generally narc moms wud b jealous of their daughter...And clearly your dad was an enabler. Howz ur relationship been with them after u left home? And hez it now?
This is something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. My mom was so brainwashed and abused that she was scared to love me and pay more attention to me than to my father. Really sad.
Thank you so much for this. I could hardly breathe while listening. It’s me exactly. My dad left when I was 8 and my mom went to work. I became a lonely, latch key kid. I was a golden child until we moved out of state at 15 and I was forced to give away my dog. I ended up rebelling and quickly became a punching bag because I wasn’t performing. My mom was a vulnerable narcissist and extremely manipulative. I’m 60 and still sorting it all out, but thanks to Dr Ramani I am now often able to catch gaslighting in the moment. As a reflex, I have been attracted to unavailable people and am in relationship with someone who is neglectful. I just recently learned that it is not my fault for expecting too much. Bless you, Dr Ramani.
Thank you for doing this video. I'm 61, was an only child of two extremely self-involved parents. I was the Invisible Child you talk about, and I LOVED Harriet the Spy!!!! In fact, I wish I'd had more books showing kids' agency. I always wanted brothers and sisters, but now I feel like I'd never have had good relationships with them anyway. My dad worked in the oil biz, so we moved every year or two. So, I was really really invisible. I still wish I knew someone I could talk openly with about this stuff, but I don't, I probably won't ever, and I probably won't ever have any sort of community. Solitude can be lonely, but being in a house with people who tear you down at every opportunity is way lonlier.
This really resonates with me. I was the only child of a covert narcissistic mother. Horrific. As abusive as she was, she tried to stop me from leaving her.(Didn't work) She followed me every where I went. She thought my home was hers even though I moved to another state. I was very much an object to her that she used to take care of her own needs.
What makes it harder is when the other parent passes away and the stepparent leaves.... Then you're the only supply... This is my experience. I never thought my life would get worse as I got older, but now as a middle aged adult I'm more stuck in this dynamic than ever before (it's even worse that it was as a child as then I had my other parent and my grandparents and even my stepmom, now it's just me and the narcissistic parent)
I’m an only child my parents divorced when I was young and I went with my narc parent . It was that or my alcoholic abusive parent. So I guess I was a golden scape goat.
I’m 62 years old happily married woman, daughter of 2 narcissistic parents who were very unhappy together, are still alive in their 90s, and married. I completely cut them out of my life when I was 40. What is there to say? They were so self-absorbed, they noticed me in the house only to abuse me in my no-yet emancipated years. I realized by cutting them I was also cutting both sides of the family, because all my access to family was through my mother. The few times I cycled to aunts or cousins’ places, it created horrible yelling scenes that lasted for around 4 hours upon my return home (it’s impolite to show up uninvited, etc. What did you say to abc, how come you launder your dirty clothes in public etc.). Obviously, I am the ungrateful daughter to all in both family sides, they did not demonstrate restraint in their downgrading me. They lost contact with me emotionally, and, once I was forty something, scratched their heads wondering which fly had stung me. No more drama in my life.
Only child here who flipped repeatedly between golden child and scapegoat. While my codependent Mum was alive I was her confident. After she died, I felt a huge responsibility to care for my N Dad and, for a time, he treated me well. Things got progressively worse as he aged, but it was only after he died that I learned the Will, I’d seen him draft, had never been signed.
I am not an only child but an only daughter with one brother who seemed to catch on early on so I bore and still bear the brunt of our mother’s need to control, comment and manipulate me. It’s a tough burden to bear for sure.
I'm an only child and struggle with the massive load of guilt and blame my mother piled on me. Nothing was good enough, done right or measured up to her needs. The phrase " the goal posts are always moving" was the story of my life. Her nickname for me was You Ungrateful Thing. This post probably described me better than any other. She's been dead for ten years and still takes up WAY too much real estate in my mind.
I am the adult only child of a covert narcissistic mother. It really had a bad ripple effect into my adult life and I'm in a nearly hopeless situation.
I’m not an only child, but I was singled out and scapegoated my whole life. My mom is a textbook narcissist. Especially the part where you say they’re both intrusive but abandoning. I’m 35 and still question reality because of all her abuse. She’s the center of all my thoughts, pain, anxiety depression. I’ve spent my whole trying to heal from her. I’m unmarried and child free because I never want to be like her
I grew up in an alcoholic home, with other dynamics also mixed in. I still haven't figured out if any of the adults were narcissists, but I have noticed a LOT of overlap in symptoms and family dynamics here between a narcissistic home and an alcoholic one. I have felt all of the things described. Scapegoat (when things are gong bad), Golden child (when things are going well), Invisible, Truth Teller, and so on - depending on what is happening in the lives of the adults and which adult I was interacting with (or not) at the time. As an adult, these videos have helped me process a LOT. Also, I was the only child who took on all of the responsibility with aging and dying parents.(parents divorced and living in different states). I am grateful for a few things there. NO ONE to fight with about care, money, inheritance etc... 2 - I have a supportive partner who didn't fight with me about what I needed to do. He just let me go and do what needed to be done without any argument or self-pity. 3 - I am fortunate enough that my job and coworkers were supportive, and allowed to be work remotely while I was handling mom's affairs and EOL care. None of this was needed for my dad. His affairs were simple and his death was sudden. I can't stress enough how important it is to build the right support system around you. Sadly we don't always know how supportive people will actually be until faced with the situation. In the end, as lonely as it can someties be, I think I am grateful for being the only child of my parents together. Thank you Dr Ramani
Had been the only child here of narcissistic parents. Plural. One child + two adults = triangulation 24/7 365. Lose the assumption that close extended family fill roles; that there are grandparents, that there are cousins, mentor aunts & uncles. There is a deeply embedded negative stereotype of the "only child" in the collective that is a hindrance. A good movie about an only child is "What Maisie Knew".
Yes I fit into all those stats I have both narcissistic parents my mom does the guilt trips and manipulation, my dad is violent explosive type and I've been the middle part of the the triangulation for every roll and been the sound board punching bag and invisible all in one day before
I’m only child and I’ve experienced all kind of abuse by my narcissistic mother. I’ve started realizing truth just after her death. I did not have a neither strength nor courage to do anything before. Now despite fighting OCPD, depression and after multiple relationships with narcissists, I feel I can live my life.
Thank you for this topic. Please make a video about children of a narcissistic parent who enter into a narcissistic relationship. my mother is on Rage mood since I set boundaries. Now she and my ex-narcissistic husband are friends. Having such a mix is hell on earth.
Thank you for covering this. As an only child, the pressure is immense. My parent was also an only child and frequently used guilt tripping to keep me close, even as an adult in my 50's .. Also expected to be everything including taking their verbal abuse, made to believe it's ok, because they are your parent etc...Sadly the relationship has broken down as I found it impossible to reason with them.
Thanks for this Dr Ramani! I am an only child for my mother and she used my cousins to triangulate me. Older cousin (female) was parentified and used to manipulate me. Younger cousin (male) was the golden child, he is now a sociopath and I don’t use that term lightly. I was the scapegoat, truth teller, dumping ground, competition, it was exhausting! I feel like people who have large age gaps between siblings and only girl/boy of the family might relate too.
I really needed to hear this. I always knew my father was emotionally immature but my father recently took care over the full time care of his senile mom. He treated her similarly to how he treated me when i was a kid. He would leave her in a room on her own for hours and not talk to her, bring random dates over to the house that he met online. He felt like she should be able to wipe and wash herself even though she is 93 and now she got a bed sore so bad that she is now in hospice. When i spoke to him, he literally didnt think he did anything wrong at all. It was baffling. His entire perception is that he felt like my grandmother was got the bed sore on purpose because she didnt get up enough, she didnt wash herself well enough, nothing is his fault… that was made me realize this is more than a lack of emotional maturity, his unwillingness to take any responsibility is shocking but it was enough for me to be able to come to terms with the fact that he is a narcissist and will never change. Im still healing from this realization and the worst part of being an only child is that no one really believes you when you say these things about your parent.
Only child here. My father was amazing and a filter and shield for me for 40 years. I started therapy after he died 5 years ago and it has helped a lot because I had to move with my mom 3 years ago, she is sick. I have managed to greatly improve our relationship but it hasn’t been easy as my aunt and uncle are also narcissists and won’t leave us alone, at the beginning destroying every effort from my part on improving things. I do feel lonely, but at least I don’t feel as sad as before. It hasn’t been easy.
I became the scapegoat real fast when my dad had dementia and he couldn’t handle things on a crisis. Everybody turned on me and he said I didn’t have the authority. I had to make sure my mom got medical care. I had to take away his car keys. All the while everyone acted like I was ruining the family for doing it
No I’m not, but I’m certainly the most disliked one. And my aging rich N parents have started to give away their property, to my siblings, favoritising them and disinheriting me.
No surprises ❌😮❌ anyways create ur own property n consider leaving out and minimising contact with ppl who look down on u or dnt match ur vibe. Let ur siblings hav the property i mean bcz properties n status n material riches wont bring in validation or self confidence after a point.those r 2 things which need to b found n cultivated within❤
I was actually pondering for a few days about asking through your mail about only children with a narcissistic parent and if it was possible to be both the golden child and the scapegoat. Crazy timing! But in any case, thank you so much Doctor for talking about this, I've gotten a lot of answers in this and I think I can finally stop wondering if my mother was actually a narcissist because my experience matched a patchwork of things that kept changing throughout my life. I was actually talking to my aunt lately about my mother and I told her "I'm just done being her mom, her lawyer, her emotional support pet, her life coach, her therapist and a NPC in her dramatic life story". I mean "her daughter" isn't even on the list. She's been guilting me since I was born about the fact that she couldn't get more children while her life dream was to be a mom. She made everything about being a mom, our whole life was her narrative around being a mom, the BEST mom, and I've always just been there as a prop, not a daughter. She chose everything: my tastes, my hobbies, my personality and if I had the nerve to not match to her narrative she would scream and scream ans scream louder while smiling until I broke, ignore me for a couple of days and then come back all magnanimously like a savior picking me up from the ground. She gave me no privacy while growing up and would mock me if i asked for some, was incapable to tell me she loved me without insisting on how much more she loved me than my dad who kept drinking and drinking and started inviting me to drink and drink with him to commiserate about how awful she was to us. She hated the word "us", and now i can see why: it was excluding her as the abuser and us her victims. I built up entire worlds in my head to (i realize now) escape them both. Eventually got told by a therapist I had maladaptive daydreaming. More like overadaptive daydreaming if you ask me! What a mess, now I'm 32 and it's thanks to your videos that I finally understand what the heck was wrong with me and am able to start discovering what is my actual personality like (so far it is mostly confusing). Sorry and thank you to anyone who read through that whole rant written in broken english 😅 This vid kind of triggered something and i had to get it off my chest.
I'm an only child on the autism spectrum (diagnosed in adulthood), raised by a single vulnerable narcissistic mother. Boundaries were nonexistent, I was typically in the scapegoat role and the extreme enmeshment still lives on to this day.
Thank you for discussing this, I am only child of some kind of narcisistic mom. I was researching in the channel about the family and I was very confused about how to analise my situation, as an only child. I want to share how much the parent can make the child feel responsible for their happiness and life. It's suffocating. Sometimes I felt that were either me or her to survive (she was very very depressed). Such a nightmare. 13 years ago, when I was 17, she quitted from life and I felt guilt and responsible. Today I am still healing from all of that. Thank you for the information, for the space. I watch all the vídeos.
I am an only child of a Narc parent. My parents split when I was age 3 so my mother raised me. She is and always has “ran away” when the going gets tough. She liked me until age 12-13 years old. I grew up fast in a new city she ran away to. I feel like some of my childhood was dedicated to “fixing” her. She spoke to me like an adult and asked me adult questions regarding my opinion on certain male callers, so I did. I never thought anything of being my mother’s therapist through the years. Looking back, no parent should be asking their 10-year-old’s opinion regarding relationships, even if they are a little smarter than the average age. I was a latchkey kid while she went out every weekend, some Fridays she did not return home until the next day. Most of the time she was in a Super good mood sharing all the events about dancing, going out to breakfast etc., and then she started feeling the effects of the toxic alcohol poisoning (always over drank). Then I was supposed to Nurse her back to health as I held her stomach from behind and lifted her head out of the toilet as she purged. This was disgusting and it happened every weekend. I would have to ride my bike to the store to buy her Root beer popsicles to help settle her stomach. I assume the sugar helped with the toxic effects of the alcohol. I had to get a cold towel for the fever she had and massaged her stomach or liver which was hurting her. I could not go play with my friends like I wanted to because she made me feel guilty. She always manipulated me with Guilt and still tries to this day but I do not allow it and I do not take the Bait (as often, still working to perfect that) When she moved us 300 miles away from family. I did not grow up with any of my cousins. We did go to a few festivities during the holidays but not often. She has a phobia of driving in through mountains, she is intimidated by the diesel trucks, so taking a 8hr Grey Hound bus ride didn’t happen that often. So I grew up alone without family and we struggled. My grandmother did not want her so far away with her child but she did not listen. It is and always has been “Her Way” or No way. I made my own family with my childhood friends and other people through the years. We also moved multiple times and I went to many schools so I was always the New kid. I am talking about 2-3 times a year which is very unstable for any child. I had to learn fast to keep up with the curriculum; this was not easy for me. I was deprived of learning certain lessons because we moved frequently. I learned as an adult out of interest. My mother liked me up until I refused to go to another school because we moved. I was in the 6th grade and I liked my teacher and the friends I make. I was at the elementary for two years. That was the longest I had ever spent at any school. I was adamant and refused to start all over again. So I had to take two city buses to school and two buses back or sometimes I would walk the 7 blocks home. I got to the age where I didn’t miss her leaving me home as she went out. I encouraged her to go out. I wanted to be alone with my friend and get into mischief. I got to the age where I didn’t need her. I would rather go spend the night at my friend's house, where there were no rules and we could experiment with smoking cigarettes. She didn’t like that I was not at home to take care of her hang over probably. This excessive drinking until she blacked out happened every weekend and I no longer wanted to be a part of it because violence was there too, between her and whatever boyfriend she had. I grew up surrounded by a lot of abuse. I had never seen her not argue and fight with her boyfriend/s or the men she married (total of 4 times) I to was abused by her both physically and mentally; cuts and bruises heal but her words cut sharper than a knife. A few years ago I was her servant, accountant, butler, cook, housecleaner, laundry washer, dog caregiver, punching bag, doormat until I started losing sleep and my mental health spiraled. I told a nurse friend and she told me that my mother may have some dementia or mental illness. It did not’ matter what I did, how perfect I was, tone control, body control. I was never good enough. I started researching dementia and I came across one of your videos regarding Narcs and that was the day a light bulb went on. I learned it did not matter how perfect everything was that I did. She would never appreciate it and you were right. That day I grew up and slowly stopped trying so hard. I used some of the techniques you teach. I wore a sphere jewelry with a ceramic ball inside covered in my favorite essential oil. I would smell it to remind me NOT TO TAKE THE BAIT, and it worked most of the time. I was still learning (3yrs ago) One of the things my mother has said often and I see it as a Self-Fulfilling Prophecy, she says “I don’t have family, I have no one” it used to make me sad because I thought, what about me? But I don’t anymore. A few years ago (2018), I decided we (my wife and I) would buy a home. I remember bringing it up to my mother, thinking she would be happy for us, but her reaction was the complete opposite. She said, “Who will take care of me?” and started to sob. I told her Hector her ex-husband could come and help her. The pandemic hit so we put The Dream on hold until 8 months ago. We started looking again for properties in a rural area of California. I was also tired of the fast city/suburban life of the Silicon Valley offered. Now, it was me who thought, “I have no one here who loves and appreciates me” other than some close friends, but it was time for us to go. All my mother ever does is make my life miserable, each and every time I come into contact with her. It’s not worth it to me. She has help and she is smart enough to reach out and get the assistance she needs from organizations. I tried to move her to a Senior Independent living apartment but she came up with to many excuses: its to dark, it's too quiet, etc. I tried, but now it was Time I took care of me, my needs, and my family, so I did. As of 4 months now, I am the proud owner of a beautiful newer home on a sprawling 3 acres in the Sierra Foothills, CA population 1K in an unincorporated area that gives me Peace, Peace of Mind and Tranquility. I am close to nature and they bring me happiness. I manifested my childhood dream and made it my reality. A chateau with a country-paved driveway two city blocks long. I feel very blessed, and all the glory goes to God. I am happy. I reached out to a therapist to help me deal with a Narc mother and I continue to see her via Zoom and it is the best thing I could have ever done for myself. To this day 11-25-2024 when my mother calls or I call to check in on her it is the same thing. She tries to manipulate me into guilt. I do not take her bait anymore. I have done my research, and with the help of you, Doctor Ramani I have grown. I will always love the mother I remember, but I do not have to accept being mistreated by her or anyone for that matter. I do not know who she is anymore. It looks and sounds like her but she is 99.9% negative and evil and I feel like she is a Test for me. I do not like the way I feel after we talk, but I remember to take a deep breath, get up, walk, and pet my Free Roam bunny, Lady Cottontail and all is well again. I know God, the angels, or her guide will guide her and watch over her. I have done my part for her. I do not feel one ounce of guilt for moving 250 miles from her. Not one ounce. (my giveadamn button is broken) Doctor Ramani you video said a lot about what I went through. You are a wise human being and I appreciate you. *In case anyone is wondering. Not all only children are spoiled. I was not a spoiled only child. I may be now as an adult, thanks to my wife LOL she says I am not spoiled, just Loved. *If there are any only children, any age out there struggling with a Narc parent, seek therapy, someone you can talk to, someone to help you learn New Tools. You are not alone. Do that for yourself. If you can’t afford one, some therapists charge on a sliding scale. All is well, MountainAngel formally Angel from The Bay
Oh wow, I never had opportunity to decide for myself to have my own family. When my mom was in hospice she said one word “children?”. I knew she meant that it might be time for me to have my own family. But I ignored it. I was 42 and spent 8 years dealing with the estate and parents care. Too late. Plus it had that feel of really being an immature poorly formed attempt at caring. She just didn’t have that ability. She was like a child in some ways.
Yes. He was a wolf and thought me to be a wolf. He used to say he was never do the father staff, but a friend guy. Never protected me, he used to say I had to protect myself. Always competing all the time for everything. He was a AA guy and demanded me to be nothing less than the best of the class, the leader, the first, otherwise he was really disappointed. He was a malignant narcissist, just like HG Tudor.
I was an only child of a narc single mom. Dad lived in another state and I barely ever saw him. I played so many of those roles, but it changed from day to day or mood to mood. I was her counselor, golden child, scapegoat, disappointment, and more. She always had to be the center of attention. I was lonely beyond words. We also moved nearly every year until my last 3 years of HS, so that didn't help either. I hated being a kid, but was always told how lucky I was that I didn't have sibling competition and that my mom was wonderful (because they didn't know). But we were poor and my mother worked a lot, so I was always home alone doing chores (never good enough), making dinner, etc.... so, not at all spoiled. I had a complicated and strained relationship with my mother, but was always told that it was my fault. 😜
My daughter is. Her dad is a narcissist and didnt want to share custody and eventually alienation and now she is estranging me. Never met her husband or her kids,who she has never told me about. And my sisters don't tell me anything, either.
I was an only child. My mother told me when I was very young, that my father never wanted children, when I asked why I didn’t have any brothers or sisters. I later found out they had to get married because my mother was pregnant. I was judged, constantly criticised, never good enough, and felt in the way. I kept my head down to be as invisible as possible. I’m 69 now and the expectations of looking after my parents weighs heavily.
I was all the dynamics. I was rhe scapegoat and the golden child and the hero and the fixer and the invisible child. I was triangulated with everyone. Friends. Relatives. Neighbors.
I am the only child of Narcissistic and mentally sick father and Empathetic Mother. It was a living hell for me and my mom who is no more now. I pray that no one have to see what we have seen. That's Why I Just Hate Narcs.
Both my parents were the only kids of older mothers who were very narcissistic & didn’t want children at all 🤦♀️ naturally they married & had four daughters (not all by the same father) that got tortured by them until they died… It was like growing up in the enemy camp with no knowledge of normalcy much less love 🤷♀️ childhood CPTSD depression has persisted into retirement & makes it impossible to feel happiness 💔 peace would be nice now ☮️
I’m an only child of a narcissist mother and alcoholic enabler father. I was neglected unless they needed chores done or someone to yell at or bully for entertainment! My “mother “ would encourage my dad to join in on the bullying. Example after dinner they laughed and laughed and after about 30 minutes they told me I just ate my pet rabbits. I ran to their cage and sure enough they were gone! Evil! Now I am in my late 40s and trying to heal and deal with cptsd. I am seeing a therapist who I like. When I would ask my “mother” for bonding time, she would say “I put clothes on your back, roof over your head and food in your stomach. I don’t have to do anything else “. And she would say I had you! Like I’m supposed to be grateful for that! She made herself LOOK like an amazing mother to outsiders of the house! Also pawned me off on ANYBODY that would “watch me”. Even strangers! From birth till I could take care of myself. And there’s a lot of shady people out in the world!
As an only child, I had to deal with the abuse of my controlling, narc father and my neglectful narc mother, who didn't want the burden of dealing with me. Add to the fact I was bullied in school through out my life. I have terribly low self esteem and have to work very hard at not hating my self.
Only child of a single mother. Only realized the true nature of my family dynamics recently, I'm 57. Now to heal and not repeat those behaviors with my adult children and grandchildren. Sadly I see some of those coping mechanisms and issues in all of us. My faith has been the greatest balm for it all, if not for God's grace I wouldn't still be here.
I’m not an only child but I am the youngest and my nearest sibling is 8 years older. So it was kind of like my siblings were aunts and uncles or sometimes parent roles. I got a lot of these roles over time. I like your description of roles being what the parent needs. Thanks
I came from a generational line of violently abusive narcissists. Also, I had 2 much older half sisters, who were the same way. I decided, at age 8, that I would make a bad parent just like them. Therefore, I hadn't any children. I do not regret that decision.
All true, unfortunately. It was a busy childhood being golden child, scapegoat, & invisible. Also a truth teller, but my parents didn't like that.... My mother was not narcissistic, but deeply unhappy being married to my father. She drank too much & was a mean drunk, as well as confiding in me completely inappropriately. That was difficult to deal with too, it wasn't just the narcissistic father who was the problem.
I was always thankful that my very premature/disabled younger brother passed away - even as a 7YO, I knew his life would have been hell if he'd survived and been brought up by my parents. I grew up alone with two narcissistic parents, and it was exhausting to be their emotional support person/manage the house and their lives and just try to keep my head down, appear 'normal', do well at school and live through the chaos and isolation so teachers didn't realize what was going on. It was so lonely, and I was terrified of anyone finding out how things were. I only survived because I could retreat into an imaginary world and had access to books, but it was brutal. When I escaped to university, I became the scapegoat for my mother because I wasn't majoring in what she wanted me to, and I was dating someone with long hair 😂
I finally feel seen. It's such a lonely experience. Father abandoned the family. He's definitely one of the cluster b, probably aspd. Mother's covert. When he would do something to hurt her, she would take it out on me. The enmeshment, the jealousy, the sabotage, the confusion.
A good idea for a video would be something like: "When You Find Narcissistic Traits in Yourself". Since you've mentioned that narcissistic people watch UA-cam and probably watch your channel due to projection issues, blind spots, grandiosity etc. I often find myself listening to your shows and thinking to myself that, "My narcissistic partner could just as easily say those things about me. Does that make me a narcissists?". I get it though, this show helps people who feel that they are suffering from narcissistic abuse. It is a gateway for them to diagnose their situation and listen to wise counsel about how to proceed in a healthy way. But sometimes we need to wake-up to our own narcissistic shadow and learn to tolerate it in ourselves and others or we risk becoming covert narcissists ourselves. Knowledge is power, it is the narcissistic person that succumbs to the evil embedded in that power.
I wouldn't say my parents are narcissistic but definitely have some trades, so I have gone through all of the roles.😂😂😂😂 I am an only child and not only for my parents but for other relatives. Life is not easy. I can't choose a right partner for myself. Surprise, surprise 😂😂😂
I still haven't decided about my parents either. I know I also fit multiple roles at different times, and with or without narcissism, we had substance abuse issues in my family. I too fulfilled multiple roles depending on who, when, and what else was going on.
@interlocution6619 At the end of the day it doesn't matter. If putting a label on it puts you at ease go ahead. What is really important, even crusial to you/me/us is just avoiding toxic relationships of any kind. Focus on yourself and not others and their perceptions of you. Choose ppl wisely and don't allow them to treat you how you wouldn't want to be treated and wouldn't allow yourself to treat others. With time I am learning to simplify things. They may not be simple but the questions are " Does it serve me any good? Do I feel alright?". Ppl cannot be fixed, but could be changed when necessary. Everyone is responsible for dealing with their own problems. That's my point of view. 😀
I'm an Only child and have to wonder about my Mother sometimes..I was a good child, didn't get into trouble or hang out with the wrong crowd. When I was in high school, I started helping Mother by doing the ironing, since she was working & doing sewing for other women at night. I eventually started cooking supper, too. I feel like I did all the right things I should be doing. It's all water under the bridge now. Both of my parents are gone now, I'm not with anyone, so I only have to please myself.
One of the worst things growing up as the only child of such parents in the 80s and being too different from most of my peers (later identified as ADHD, "gifted" and gay) to have many close friends I was always missing someone I could compare my perception with. Someone who at least sometimes sees it too, can confirm me: no, that didn't happen like mom just said, I remember it your way too. I was completely alone in the fog of their gaslighting and the constant pretense that giving a child the best care is often uncomfortable for the child who just can't understand that. But this whole video... uff. I think this is the most "all of the above in big measure" response I had to any of the many videos I watched on this channel. If someone could have just shown me this twenty or thirty years ago, my life would have gone differently.
"Blended families", where parents have children with multiple partners, is horrible. I wish that it hadn't become so common and normalized, because it creates horrible family dynamics.
I'm glad no other child suffered my parents, but all my life I have wished that I could talk to someone who really knew about them.
Sometimes your siblings are in different stages of denial and or the favorite at the time and there is no talking to anyone as you are mostly strangulated from one another, even from other distant relatives. It was my children, some of them who were able to share with me and they could see what had occurred before I did. My heart goes out to you, to all of us. The pain, the loss of time and development of what we could have been, even when we overcome challenges to produce a good life. I always think of what I could have done or been as I cannot get back the years of time to catch up with others. Holidays are coming up, this is going to be hard. Peace to you.
@@summercreekway did you mean to write "mostly estranged from one another"? I like how you use the term "strangulated" here.
They would know something completely different because of the roles.
Same!
I feel the same way exactly. I so deeply yearned for a sibling in youth and even now. I can't lean on my mother, no father, no siblings... sometimes I feel like an orphan. My lifelong best friend grew apart in the past few years, and she's best friends with her sisters and mom, while, for me, she sometimes felt like my whole family... at least in adulthood I have the peace of not living with my mom. There will always be a spot of loneliness, though.
It's really terrible for a person who is an only child born to narcissistic parents. A true nightmare. Thank you for discussing it. ♥
And it definitely was a nightmare much of the time. I was an only child for many years.
@@exploringtheparanormalwith81 I'm so sorry to hear this.
I’m 66 years old and the only child of a physically, mentally and emotionally abusive narcissistic mother. I also had the misfortune of looking just like my philandering father. My parents stayed together for revenge. Neither would give the other the pleasure of leaving. I took all of his beatings. I left home at 17, couch surfed for years, ultimately going from one unhealthy relationship to another. I’ve spent half of my life in therapy and eventually cut ties with my mother, however I never realized how my upbringing affected my relationship choices until I discovered your videos. After I left a recently rekindled relationship with what I would later identify as a covert narc, I left the country for 3 months to be with myself. I am back and starting over with nothing but the understanding that I AM enough, my life has value and I don’t have to relive the dynamics of my childhood in perpetuity. Thank you Dr.Ramani for your life changing insights.
Wow! Thank you for sharing your experience. I wish you only the best for your life. As cliché as it may sound, but the rest of your life can be the best of your life. Good for you for discovering your greatness a priority. ❤
Only daughter. Spent my life trying to placate my narcissistic father and protect and cheer my depressive mother. I grew up with no sense of self, no sense of agency, and no idea of what I actually liked or wanted. I was the perfect child, straight-A student, never rebellious or even disrespectful, always prioritizing my parents’ emotional (and functional, and financial) needs. And, of course, always judged and valued solely on the basis of my most recent service to the narcissist. No achievement, no level of subservience was ever enough. At the end of their lives, my mother developed dementia and my father convinced her I was evil and hateful. Fortunately I’d had the good luck or good sense to marry a non-narcissist-plus truckloads of therapy-so I was able to cope, but it was still agonizing. With their deaths, sadly but honestly, I have finally (at age 60) developed what I believe is a healthily functioning ego and some reliable emotional awareness and control. It’s never too late to find effective coping mechanisms and a healthier self-image!
So well said. I really relate to "No level of subservience was ever enough" That says it all..
If I wasn’t an only child, I’d think you might be my twin !
I am an only child. I am now 50. I grew up mostly in a single parent household. I have always been a caregiver, even as a kid. My mom acts like I owe her something just for having me. Even though, she is 75 with health issues, she still acts entitled. I didn't realize until a few years ago that I have been in romantic relationships that strongly parallel my relationship with her. I am recovering and trying to get on with my life after separating from a malignant narcissist which helped me learn of my mom's narcissism. It is hard.
I had only narc. mom. No father, no grandparents.
When I was 43, I was diagnosed with cancer, my mom had no empathy. She said to me:" Look, you cant die before me."
It was threat. Since then I am no contact, I do not miss her at all.
OMG...same experience. But mine told me, I thought you're strong enough to handle it. After she distanced herself from me. So good for me. No contact and I don't have to deal with her at all in her old age.
Congratulations to you both on your freedom
Me. It really has destroyed my life.
I'm an only child of a covert-narcissistic single mother. I know what I've been trough but I'm truly thankful for it, I'm a poet for 20 years. I think kids that are only child of a narcissistic parents have no choice but find creativity within and escape.
Hey so do you hav kids of ur own now? Howz the experience?
@@vyaptimehra nope, not yet. I'm 33 and I'm not married, not saying this as a bad thing, it just never was my priority. Time to think about it though.
I still live with my mother because she needs help, I cannot just walk away, she is 83. Yeah, she is 50 years older, I'm adopted.
I'm fully aware that she does not even love me and that she fakes everything, but it does not really affect me anymore. I just decided to stay with her as part of my responsibility, I would hate my guts if I just walk away and leave this woman alone. She's the most helpless thing ever, as you probably know.
I also became a poet by age 12 & went on to teach English @ the college level but my depression never lifted
@@caroleminke6116 nice to hear that (that you became a poet, not the depression), I started at 13. I guess we're all different, I had periods of heavy depression, but when I look back I think the poetry is actually the one thing that saved me from going too deep. I actually have a song called "ONLY CHILD" which will be released when I'm done with all of this.
I really hope you'll get better. If I speak for myself, I can say that even though this life would be a living hell for 90% of the people, I am not depressed and I actually became thankful for all of this sht. It made me a man that can look into the eye of everything and face it on my own. So yeah, everything has a flip-side, and I often try to look at the potential positive of all the negative things. And there's a lot of potential positives. Cheers, keep you head up
This was my journey as well! I wrote constantly in youth, my dream was to be a poet but I was pushed to pursue classical music. I switched my degree at university to English, focused on poetry. Making art, any serious Art with a capital A, is a toil for the soul, striving to create something important, beautiful, insightful, and technically masterful...capturing that elusive muse... For me, I HAD to focus myself and my voice somehow. If I had had a happy childhood, I highly doubt I would have ever picked up the pen. I think of the "tortured artist" stereotype--but which comes first? The torture, or the art? I wonder if any artist has ever been contented.
I was the child that held multiple roles. Depending on the mood and feelings they held about me at the time no matter the role they had to have it their way. I got older and start developing. Then I saw the mess and the nitpicking began. I was and felt like a tool to manage their lives.
Yes I was mostly raised by my father who never saw my needs. I started working very young so I could have school clothes and supplies. I would iron clothes, babysit and do yard work until I got my first job. He's still very selfish and I don't speak to him if I don't have to. I have a son and I've worked very hard all of my life and I took very good care of my son's needs and I still take care of him as an adult if he needs something. I'm happy that I wasn't the same type of parent that my father was to me with my son.
you are incredibly sharp, Dr. Ramani-thank you for all your wisdom! 🩵
you help so much more than you know.❤️
I often say that I have been taking care of my mom for 60 years. My mom was a covert narcissist and I was expected to be her confidant, her comforter, her provider, and, I was expected to provide her with the life she never had when she was a child. She used to do my homework and take over my art projects and if i wanted to do them myself she would yell at me and say i was a selfish, stingy brat-that she never had the opportunity to go to school past 3rd grade and never got to do fun things like i was doing so if i was a good daughter i would share and let her experience things she never got to, so i let her take over my homework, my projects, my life because i felt guilty for having the opportunity where she didn't. She also took over my friends, and i wasn't allowed to go anywhere without her along because she said i wasn't being fair to her. Now that she is very old, she is admitting to me that she considered me a burden "once you have a kid your life is over" " I could have been successful, could have accomplished this or that, etc, had I not had you to take care of. You caused me to be stifled in my life" "it's all your fault" Now I regret investing so much of my life in trying to help her because she secretly resented me anyway. I have since found out she used to tell my aunts and my grandparents what a burden I was and how disappointing I was, how hard it was on her to raise me, so they were disappointed in me too. 😢
Only child of two narcissistic divorced parents who remarried narcissistic partners, and yet my childhood taking care of them is still my reality at 56.
My dad took his own life (on Christmas Eve) 12 years ago after his wife left him and moved out. I was the one who got that phone call and sat next to him alone all night in the hospital. She took the entire estate and bought a house for her son from her first marriage, leaving nothing for my only child, then 7 (and my dad’s universe) or me. Now I’m dealing with my mom in memory care while her husband (the stepdad who she married after I was an adult, having spent my childhood taking care of her) gave POA to his daughter, who isn’t local. So, guess who is taking care of her - by way of an even more complicated scenario?
As I type this, I’m terrified of the “self victimized” critique, which is the badge of shame and weakness I feel like I wear on my back if I dare to share any of it. A highly emotionally abusive relationship with a malignant Narcissist landed me in the care of an amazing therapist 17 years ago (since not doing private practice) who introduced me to NPD before anyone talked about it. She saved my life. And reminded me with persistence, “no, it’s not you.” #greatminds :)
Still, and with many, many years of her brilliant support and my own intense self analysis work, I find it near impossible to break the pattern of narcissistic intimate partners.
I’m so grateful for your work, Dr, Ramani. ❤
Thank you so much for this, both parents are Narcs and I really appreciate feeling seen bc it’s so specific and no one understand the pressure and perfectionism
My mom was in the hospital and she told me she was living for me. That fits well somehow. It was more of the same narcissistic need.
I am the only child of a blended narcissistic family. I was expected to do everything for my parents. I was the therapist, best friend, chef, cleaning lady, and personal punching bag. It was awful growing up with constant criticism and judgment. Nothing was consistent except for drama. I finally had enough abuse and decided to go no contact. These toxic family systems don't change!
They hit you… And you didn't put that at the top of the list?
Can't tell you how long I've been waiting for this video!
Same !
I have a story about this so convoluted I have been asked to write a memoir of my experiences. My mother had 4 major lifetime partners, 3 of them raging narcs. First was my father, we left when I was 18 months. Went into hiding. She married the second partner, I was adopted. Name changed. He did not want kids, so forced my mom to terminate a pregnancy and tie her tubes. They divorced a year later. Both remarried to families with kids, no explanation to me at alll. Both later divorced. I went from golden child to truth seer, to scapegoat in every family system. Adopted father died 2 years ago, and nobody even told me. Recently my bio father found me- and now suddenly, at 49, I am the oldest of four siblings and an "aunt" to 11. So much processing, it is unreal. I also live on a different continent from everyone. I struggled for years thinking my story would never be interesting enough to anyone to write about it.
Being raised as a human mop for my Mom's emotions over failed marriages etc. Fun times.
I told my parents they couldn’t have more children when I was 7 because I didn’t want anyone else subjected to what that house was like. I was the peacekeeper for perfectionists who should never have been married. Since it was just me, I was supposed to be worth every sacrifice and nothing was ever good enough. I also didn’t have anyone else to be a witness to the things they did, so my extended family thinks I’m broken because I don’t want to see or spend time with them
Only child here; I had no idea my dad was a narcissist until his dying days. Like you said, I was never quite sure how to be better or to be loved by him-- he seemingly was never content or satisfied with me or with his life, and toward the end of his life he lived in total fear of 1) getting Covid (which he did not) 2) getting dementia (which he did) 3) his wife/my mom dying (which she did) and 4) himself dying (which he did not want!)... I always thought I was unlovable; he used to tell me "Don't get married!" It took one woman to love me truly to help me see I was lovable; After we married (later in life I might add), he didn't like her because she stood up to him. She helped me establish boundaries with him so he ended up being mad at both of us and then looked for his narcissistic supply from his brother and sister- who, turns out, are BOTH narcissists as well. Well, now that he's dead, his bro and sis don't talk to me. Ugh. I also want to add that his love was conditional toward the end-- he hung my inheritance over my head as the reason I needed to do whatever he told me to do! He also insisted I never had the right information-- I was wrong about every single thing he talked about. He also claimed he was never wrong in all his life! Imagine that-- 83 years of never being wrong. My wife and I figured out he was not mentally well. It was a tough last few years with him and his fearful, demented, paranoid self. When he died I felt a great relief! I wish my dad wasn't like this, but he was. And at least I can think back to good memories with him- he wasn't a total monster. Dr. Ramani-- your videos have helped me understand narcissism and helped me heal a bit; local mental health people I've visited with weren't as helpful as your videos.
I read a book over 30 years ago named Dibs in search of self. Written by Dr.Eileen Axline. The book was eye opening about an emotionally lost little boy who was really a genius.
I am an only child and a scapegoat in a family with an abusive and malignant narcissistic father and mother enabler and gaslighter. Now they are old and need my help and this is a nightmare. I am still a scapegoat for two extremely difficult parents. I feel like running away.
RUN AWAY
RUN!!!!!!
Dr. Ramani is always on the money. Only child of two narc parents who do and say basically everything textbook regarding guilt and manipulation. I was useful for optics until I became pre teen and I was discarded to do my own parenting. Suffered physical, mental, and financial abuse. Parents circled back to try and get money off me once I was an adult. Went NC with father and now dealing with remaining nmom as grayrock. I refuse to be guilted or bullied any longer.
as an only child of a narcissistic parent my main worry is her aging. She has chose not to work for more than half my life. She just takes money from the government and those around her feel pity and give her money in birthday cards, holiday etc. She constantly just uses those around her to get things and never works for them. She has no retirement plan and randomly she will say to me you better not put me in a home when im older. Why is it my responsibilty to figure out her future. Putting her in a home would cost HELLA money in the first place and she sure as heck aint living with me. I feel this stress of the future everyday its so stupid. I literally hate her but feel pity to not text her back.
Me hopping in the same boat with you, because I'm also already getting the preemptive "You're going to put me in a hursing home!" guilt trip. Apparently, it's my duty to quit my job and be a full time caregiver, as if I'm indebted to her forever.
My mother made me everything . I was the target for her violence , her rival ( in her mind ) when puberty hit , her s** therapist ( when puberty hit ) , her beauty pagent contestant , her proof that she was an exceptional parent when her siblings kids were struggling . She kissed my high-school boyfriend like a lover . In front of me . She exposed me to s abusers that she dated . Then when she had terminal bone cancer her husband said he couldn't take care of her so she was in my livingroom in a hospital bed . She was still screaming and swearing at me while I changed her diapers .
So glad she's gone .
I had the same kind of mother. I was the object for her violence. She would come to visit me and have her insane rages. She made my childhood friends her own I got phased out of relationships because she saw everything as hers
That included any boy who wanted to get to know me. She often acted like a mean girl peer rather a mother.
Initially my older sister was the scapegoat but she left home at 14 to live with friends. I became the scapegoat then. I had a history of physical and emotional abuse from an early age. My mother and stepfather were alcoholics. I witnessed extreme domestic violence from an early age. I understand from reading It’s Not You and your podcasts that my mother was apparently a self righteous narcissist. And apparently my grandmother was as well. My biological father was prevented from having contact with me. He was very kind, a free spirit. My grandfather on my mother’s side was a very kind, compassionate and giving Irish man. But I suffered greatly. Saw a psychologist at age 17 after seeing a psychiatrist at the same hospital. I was diagnosed with chronic anxiety and agoraphobia. It would take years before it spontaneously remitted (early to mid 20’s. I had called the hospital initially and they blew me off. I persisted by going to the hospital department of psychiatry and kind of forcing my way in. I was then seen by a psychiatrist. I was hospitalized for 3 weeks and transferred to a psychologist there. It occurred to me that they hadn’t seen instances of this by a person as young as I was. He used CBT, desensitization and I was also seen by a relaxation therapist. After 3 weeks I was discharged with prescriptions but I discovered that they were anti psychotic meds. I was so sedated in my student dorm that I could barely get out of bed. A girlfriend of mine who had a room next to me was extremely understanding and helpful. Then another student in the dorm stepped in. She was studying Law and came from a very wealthy family. She had her own car and would drive me to appointments at the hospital. Of course, I was in high school. I had started working as a clerk at a convenience store at age 14. By the time I was 16 I had been promoted to assistant night manager and later to night manager. In those days convenience stores closed at 11:00 p.m. So I went from school (out at 3:15) to my job which started at 4:00 p.m. I was able to leave home and support myself thank God. It would however require therapy and the same held truly into early adulthood and at later stages in my life. This was in the 70’s. Nothing was ever mentioned about narcissistic personality styles at that time. In fact, it’s only in the past 5-10 years that this character disorder has been recognized. So, thank God for you Dr. Ramani and also David Kessler. I’m in my 60’s now and just left a relationship with a covert/malignant narcissist 2 years ago. There was a lot of trauma and damage. This was 2 years ago. There are still remnants left over at present. Radical acceptance was difficult but then the fallout from grief has been much more challenging. I was in this entanglement for close to 8 years. Of course, I didn’t see him coming. Being an empath was a vulnerability for me. I realize that he chose me. I interpreted the love bombing as genuine love in the beginning. I didn’t think that there were people like this out there. Now I am wiser thanks to you. As I said earlier, your podcasts and books have been a Godsend. It’s Not You really resonated with me. I’ve read it twice and I am ready for a third read. The subtypes of antagonistic personality styles have many components to them and they are multifaceted, if that’s the right word. But I know that you know exactly what I mean as the world’s foremost authority on all things narcissistic. I left the entanglement with many emotions and triggers from childhood thinking how insidious. I do know that by exposing him (pulling off the mask) was the beginning of the end. He has remained indifferent and silent. His alternative reality is delusional. What bothers me the most is how many victims there were before me and how many guys are and will be ensnared in his web of lies, deceit and betrayal.
I feel that this may well be something demonic. Covert/malignant narcissism. I suspect and fear that the prevalence of this character disorder may be greater than one in six.
With gratitude I can say thank you so much Dr. Ramani. I know that I speak for countless others.
Kindness and love,
Patrick K Sicard ❤
i’m 51 now. a scapegoat. i left my malignant parents and covert siblings. ended married a covert husband.. after years he changes become covert malignant. he uses all my trauma against me. we have one daughter. me and our daughter become his punching bag. we have anxiety walking on eggshells every day. 3 years ago my daughter had few panic attacks. he abused me mentally and financially.. i started working 6 months ago. now plan to divorce. slowly because divorce needs lots of money.. my daughter is my everything.
Oh my. Yes thank you. It's so hard. I was an only child of religious narcissistic family. When I was 18 I moved out and then they adopted my 12-year-old cousin who quickly became the Golden child. He was a boy. He was an athlete, got good grades. Was happy to attend all their church services. He became their everything where my college and early 20s successes were completely ignored. We all had to support him. He was smart and moved to another state once he was old enough to and now I'm stuck taking care of everything for them. I do doctor's appointment, surgeries, medicine, household chores, anything she needs. But if my brother just sends flowers I hear what would I do without him?? It makes me sad. I wasted my time trying to be good enough for them when it's never going to happen. Nobody understands my strained relationship with my cousin. I know it's not his fault.
My narc mom definitely played up the triangulation between my dad and me. From the time i was basically old enough to speak, i was always getting told what a horrible, mean, nasty person he was. (My parents were married and lived in the same home my entire life until i was 25) I was always told he didnt love us, didnt care about us, he liked his friends more than he liked my mom, he was never there for us and was a bad father/husband, etc. (even though he was the sole breadwinner and my mom never worked a day in my life lol) And when I hit about 11 or 12, which is when my mom REALLY started being jealous of me and hating me, she would weaponize my dad against me as well. I had gotten taller than her at that point and i was less easy to bully and intimidate so she would use my dad to do it instead. She would tell him how terrible and "disrespectful" inwas and make up a bunch of "crimes" i never actually committed while he was at work that day to get him really mad at me so he would come in and hit me, break my things, dump my dogs (once even had his shoot my dogs) as "punishment" for whatever she decided i did that day. We were never really allowed to be alone together much after i hit puberty. She didnt like it if we could talk without her. All of our talking had to go through her first.
This was my experience as well
Your dad is a psycho also.
Wow! ....how did u cope? Ur mother was jealous of u,so r u a girl? Generally narc moms wud b jealous of their daughter...And clearly your dad was an enabler. Howz ur relationship been with them after u left home? And hez it now?
Horrible, horrible people!
This is something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. My mom was so brainwashed and abused that she was scared to love me and pay more attention to me than to my father. Really sad.
I am an only child and my mother was a full blown narc!
My brother joined the armed forces at 16. I was 9. I felt like an only child. We had a stepfather that was a narc.
With that age difference, according to the birth order theory, you effectively were an only child
@interlocution6619 🥲
So sorry 💔❤️🩹♥️
@@interlocution6619 I suppose.
@@caroleminke6116 Thank-you 💜
Thank you so much for this. I could hardly breathe while listening. It’s me exactly. My dad left when I was 8 and my mom went to work. I became a lonely, latch key kid. I was a golden child until we moved out of state at 15 and I was forced to give away my dog. I ended up rebelling and quickly became a punching bag because I wasn’t performing. My mom was a vulnerable narcissist and extremely manipulative. I’m 60 and still sorting it all out, but thanks to Dr Ramani I am now often able to catch gaslighting in the moment. As a reflex, I have been attracted to unavailable people and am in relationship with someone who is neglectful. I just recently learned that it is not my fault for expecting too much. Bless you, Dr Ramani.
Thank you for doing this video. I'm 61, was an only child of two extremely self-involved parents. I was the Invisible Child you talk about, and I LOVED Harriet the Spy!!!! In fact, I wish I'd had more books showing kids' agency. I always wanted brothers and sisters, but now I feel like I'd never have had good relationships with them anyway. My dad worked in the oil biz, so we moved every year or two. So, I was really really invisible. I still wish I knew someone I could talk openly with about this stuff, but I don't, I probably won't ever, and I probably won't ever have any sort of community. Solitude can be lonely, but being in a house with people who tear you down at every opportunity is way lonlier.
I TRIED TO TALK TO THEM THEY WONT STOP ATTACKING ME
And never will stop attacking you. You can't win with a narcissist, and It's Not You.
This really resonates with me. I was the only child of a covert narcissistic mother. Horrific. As abusive as she was, she tried to stop me from leaving her.(Didn't work) She followed me every where I went. She thought my home was hers even though I moved to another state. I was very much an object to her that she used to take care of her own needs.
Dr Ramani, Thank you for helping me feel not alone. I am so grateful for you & for sharing your wisdom with us.
The worst thing is the pressure felt to succeed as an only child
Absolutely relate to this
Brilliant and Wonderful. Knowing and being aware of the unique challenges of the only child of a narcissist helps on so many levels.
This resonates so much, thank you for addressing this topic!
Brilliant show
What makes it harder is when the other parent passes away and the stepparent leaves.... Then you're the only supply... This is my experience. I never thought my life would get worse as I got older, but now as a middle aged adult I'm more stuck in this dynamic than ever before (it's even worse that it was as a child as then I had my other parent and my grandparents and even my stepmom, now it's just me and the narcissistic parent)
I’m an only child my parents divorced when I was young and I went with my narc parent . It was that or my alcoholic abusive parent. So I guess I was a golden scape goat.
I’m 62 years old happily married woman, daughter of 2 narcissistic parents who were very unhappy together, are still alive in their 90s, and married. I completely cut them out of my life when I was 40. What is there to say? They were so self-absorbed, they noticed me in the house only to abuse me in my no-yet emancipated years. I realized by cutting them I was also cutting both sides of the family, because all my access to family was through my mother. The few times I cycled to aunts or cousins’ places, it created horrible yelling scenes that lasted for around 4 hours upon my return home (it’s impolite to show up uninvited, etc. What did you say to abc, how come you launder your dirty clothes in public etc.). Obviously, I am the ungrateful daughter to all in both family sides, they did not demonstrate restraint in their downgrading me. They lost contact with me emotionally, and, once I was forty something, scratched their heads wondering which fly had stung me. No more drama in my life.
Only child here who flipped repeatedly between golden child and scapegoat. While my codependent Mum was alive I was her confident. After she died, I felt a huge responsibility to care for my N Dad and, for a time, he treated me well. Things got progressively worse as he aged, but it was only after he died that I learned the Will, I’d seen him draft, had never been signed.
I am not an only child but an only daughter with one brother who seemed to catch on early on so I bore and still bear the brunt of our mother’s need to control, comment and manipulate me. It’s a tough burden to bear for sure.
Invisibility was preferable. My parents were complimentary narcissists.
I'm an only child and struggle with the massive load of guilt and blame my mother piled on me. Nothing was good enough, done right or measured up to her needs. The phrase " the goal posts are always moving" was the story of my life. Her nickname for me was You Ungrateful Thing. This post probably described me better than any other. She's been dead for ten years and still takes up WAY too much real estate in my mind.
I am the adult only child of a covert narcissistic mother. It really had a bad ripple effect into my adult life and I'm in a nearly hopeless situation.
I’m not an only child, but I was singled out and scapegoated my whole life. My mom is a textbook narcissist. Especially the part where you say they’re both intrusive but abandoning. I’m 35 and still question reality because of all her abuse. She’s the center of all my thoughts, pain, anxiety depression. I’ve spent my whole trying to heal from her. I’m unmarried and child free because I never want to be like her
I grew up in an alcoholic home, with other dynamics also mixed in. I still haven't figured out if any of the adults were narcissists, but I have noticed a LOT of overlap in symptoms and family dynamics here between a narcissistic home and an alcoholic one. I have felt all of the things described. Scapegoat (when things are gong bad), Golden child (when things are going well), Invisible, Truth Teller, and so on - depending on what is happening in the lives of the adults and which adult I was interacting with (or not) at the time. As an adult, these videos have helped me process a LOT. Also, I was the only child who took on all of the responsibility with aging and dying parents.(parents divorced and living in different states). I am grateful for a few things there. NO ONE to fight with about care, money, inheritance etc... 2 - I have a supportive partner who didn't fight with me about what I needed to do. He just let me go and do what needed to be done without any argument or self-pity. 3 - I am fortunate enough that my job and coworkers were supportive, and allowed to be work remotely while I was handling mom's affairs and EOL care. None of this was needed for my dad. His affairs were simple and his death was sudden.
I can't stress enough how important it is to build the right support system around you. Sadly we don't always know how supportive people will actually be until faced with the situation.
In the end, as lonely as it can someties be, I think I am grateful for being the only child of my parents together. Thank you Dr Ramani
Had been the only child here of narcissistic parents. Plural. One child + two adults = triangulation 24/7 365. Lose the assumption that close extended family fill roles; that there are grandparents, that there are cousins, mentor aunts & uncles. There is a deeply embedded negative stereotype of the "only child" in the collective that is a hindrance. A good movie about an only child is "What Maisie Knew".
I'm a dysfunctional combination of a scape goat and a golden child. Maybe this let me to slip out.
Same here.
Yes I fit into all those stats I have both narcissistic parents my mom does the guilt trips and manipulation, my dad is violent explosive type and I've been the middle part of the the triangulation for every roll and been the sound board punching bag and invisible all in one day before
My sister was 15 years older than me, my brother was 11 years older. Hot mess of a narcissistic family system.
I’m only child and I’ve experienced all kind of abuse by my narcissistic mother. I’ve started realizing truth just after her death. I did not have a neither strength nor courage to do anything before. Now despite fighting OCPD, depression and after multiple relationships with narcissists, I feel I can live my life.
Thank you for this topic. Please make a video about children of a narcissistic parent who enter into a narcissistic relationship. my mother is on Rage mood since I set boundaries. Now she and my ex-narcissistic husband are friends. Having such a mix is hell on earth.
Thank you for covering this. As an only child, the pressure is immense. My parent was also an only child and frequently used guilt tripping to keep me close, even as an adult in my 50's .. Also expected to be everything including taking their verbal abuse, made to believe it's ok, because they are your parent etc...Sadly the relationship has broken down as I found it impossible to reason with them.
Thanks for this Dr Ramani! I am an only child for my mother and she used my cousins to triangulate me. Older cousin (female) was parentified and used to manipulate me. Younger cousin (male) was the golden child, he is now a sociopath and I don’t use that term lightly. I was the scapegoat, truth teller, dumping ground, competition, it was exhausting! I feel like people who have large age gaps between siblings and only girl/boy of the family might relate too.
I really needed to hear this. I always knew my father was emotionally immature but my father recently took care over the full time care of his senile mom. He treated her similarly to how he treated me when i was a kid. He would leave her in a room on her own for hours and not talk to her, bring random dates over to the house that he met online. He felt like she should be able to wipe and wash herself even though she is 93 and now she got a bed sore so bad that she is now in hospice. When i spoke to him, he literally didnt think he did anything wrong at all. It was baffling. His entire perception is that he felt like my grandmother was got the bed sore on purpose because she didnt get up enough, she didnt wash herself well enough, nothing is his fault… that was made me realize this is more than a lack of emotional maturity, his unwillingness to take any responsibility is shocking but it was enough for me to be able to come to terms with the fact that he is a narcissist and will never change. Im still healing from this realization and the worst part of being an only child is that no one really believes you when you say these things about your parent.
Definitely me!
Only child here. My father was amazing and a filter and shield for me for 40 years. I started therapy after he died 5 years ago and it has helped a lot because I had to move with my mom 3 years ago, she is sick. I have managed to greatly improve our relationship but it hasn’t been easy as my aunt and uncle are also narcissists and won’t leave us alone, at the beginning destroying every effort from my part on improving things. I do feel lonely, but at least I don’t feel as sad as before. It hasn’t been easy.
I became the scapegoat real fast when my dad had dementia and he couldn’t handle things on a crisis. Everybody turned on me and he said I didn’t have the authority. I had to make sure my mom got medical care. I had to take away his car keys. All the while everyone acted like I was ruining the family for doing it
No I’m not, but I’m certainly the most disliked one. And my aging rich N parents have started to give away their property, to my siblings, favoritising them and disinheriting me.
No surprises ❌😮❌ anyways create ur own property n consider leaving out and minimising contact with ppl who look down on u or dnt match ur vibe. Let ur siblings hav the property i mean bcz properties n status n material riches wont bring in validation or self confidence after a point.those r 2 things which need to b found n cultivated within❤
I was actually pondering for a few days about asking through your mail about only children with a narcissistic parent and if it was possible to be both the golden child and the scapegoat. Crazy timing! But in any case, thank you so much Doctor for talking about this, I've gotten a lot of answers in this and I think I can finally stop wondering if my mother was actually a narcissist because my experience matched a patchwork of things that kept changing throughout my life. I was actually talking to my aunt lately about my mother and I told her "I'm just done being her mom, her lawyer, her emotional support pet, her life coach, her therapist and a NPC in her dramatic life story". I mean "her daughter" isn't even on the list. She's been guilting me since I was born about the fact that she couldn't get more children while her life dream was to be a mom. She made everything about being a mom, our whole life was her narrative around being a mom, the BEST mom, and I've always just been there as a prop, not a daughter. She chose everything: my tastes, my hobbies, my personality and if I had the nerve to not match to her narrative she would scream and scream ans scream louder while smiling until I broke, ignore me for a couple of days and then come back all magnanimously like a savior picking me up from the ground. She gave me no privacy while growing up and would mock me if i asked for some, was incapable to tell me she loved me without insisting on how much more she loved me than my dad who kept drinking and drinking and started inviting me to drink and drink with him to commiserate about how awful she was to us. She hated the word "us", and now i can see why: it was excluding her as the abuser and us her victims. I built up entire worlds in my head to (i realize now) escape them both. Eventually got told by a therapist I had maladaptive daydreaming. More like overadaptive daydreaming if you ask me! What a mess, now I'm 32 and it's thanks to your videos that I finally understand what the heck was wrong with me and am able to start discovering what is my actual personality like (so far it is mostly confusing). Sorry and thank you to anyone who read through that whole rant written in broken english 😅 This vid kind of triggered something and i had to get it off my chest.
One of your best!!
Mt oldest (narcissistic) sister didn’t have much interaction with the nieces and nephews until they became adults.
I'm an only child on the autism spectrum (diagnosed in adulthood), raised by a single vulnerable narcissistic mother. Boundaries were nonexistent, I was typically in the scapegoat role and the extreme enmeshment still lives on to this day.
Thank you for discussing this, I am only child of some kind of narcisistic mom. I was researching in the channel about the family and I was very confused about how to analise my situation, as an only child.
I want to share how much the parent can make the child feel responsible for their happiness and life. It's suffocating. Sometimes I felt that were either me or her to survive (she was very very depressed). Such a nightmare. 13 years ago, when I was 17, she quitted from life and I felt guilt and responsible. Today I am still healing from all of that.
Thank you for the information, for the space. I watch all the vídeos.
I am an only child of a Narc parent. My parents split when I was age 3 so my mother raised me. She is and always has “ran away” when the going gets tough. She liked me until age 12-13 years old. I grew up fast in a new city she ran away to.
I feel like some of my childhood was dedicated to “fixing” her. She spoke to me like an adult and asked me adult questions regarding my opinion on certain male callers, so I did. I never thought anything of being my mother’s therapist through the years. Looking back, no parent should be asking their 10-year-old’s opinion regarding relationships, even if they are a little smarter than the average age.
I was a latchkey kid while she went out every weekend, some Fridays she did not return home until the next day. Most of the time she was in a Super good mood sharing all the events about dancing, going out to breakfast etc., and then she started feeling the effects of the toxic alcohol poisoning (always over drank).
Then I was supposed to Nurse her back to health as I held her stomach from behind and lifted her head out of the toilet as she purged. This was disgusting and it happened every weekend.
I would have to ride my bike to the store to buy her Root beer popsicles to help settle her stomach. I assume the sugar helped with the toxic effects of the alcohol.
I had to get a cold towel for the fever she had and massaged her stomach or liver which was hurting her.
I could not go play with my friends like I wanted to because she made me feel guilty. She always manipulated me with Guilt and still tries to this day but I do not allow it and I do not take the Bait (as often, still working to perfect that)
When she moved us 300 miles away from family. I did not grow up with any of my cousins. We did go to a few festivities during the holidays but not often. She has a phobia of driving in through mountains, she is intimidated by the diesel trucks, so taking a 8hr Grey Hound bus ride didn’t happen that often.
So I grew up alone without family and we struggled. My grandmother did not want her so far away with her child but she did not listen. It is and always has been “Her Way” or No way.
I made my own family with my childhood friends and other people through the years. We also moved multiple times and I went to many schools so I was always the New kid. I am talking about 2-3 times a year which is very unstable for any child.
I had to learn fast to keep up with the curriculum; this was not easy for me. I was deprived of learning certain lessons because we moved frequently. I learned as an adult out of interest.
My mother liked me up until I refused to go to another school because we moved. I was in the 6th grade and I liked my teacher and the friends I make. I was at the elementary for two years. That was the longest I had ever spent at any school.
I was adamant and refused to start all over again. So I had to take two city buses to school and two buses back or sometimes I would walk the 7 blocks home.
I got to the age where I didn’t miss her leaving me home as she went out. I encouraged her to go out. I wanted to be alone with my friend and get into mischief.
I got to the age where I didn’t need her. I would rather go spend the night at my friend's house, where there were no rules and we could experiment with smoking cigarettes.
She didn’t like that I was not at home to take care of her hang over probably. This excessive drinking until she blacked out happened every weekend and I no longer wanted to be a part of it because violence was there too, between her and whatever boyfriend she had.
I grew up surrounded by a lot of abuse. I had never seen her not argue and fight with her boyfriend/s or the men she married (total of 4 times) I to was abused by her both physically and mentally; cuts and bruises heal but her words cut sharper than a knife.
A few years ago I was her servant, accountant, butler, cook, housecleaner, laundry washer, dog caregiver, punching bag, doormat until I started losing sleep and my mental health spiraled. I told a nurse friend and she told me that my mother may have some dementia or mental illness. It did not’ matter what I did, how perfect I was, tone control, body control. I was never good enough. I started researching dementia and I came across one of your videos regarding Narcs and that was the day a light bulb went on.
I learned it did not matter how perfect everything was that I did. She would never appreciate it and you were right. That day I grew up and slowly stopped trying so hard.
I used some of the techniques you teach. I wore a sphere jewelry with a ceramic ball inside covered in my favorite essential oil. I would smell it to remind me NOT TO TAKE THE BAIT, and it worked most of the time. I was still learning (3yrs ago)
One of the things my mother has said often and I see it as a Self-Fulfilling Prophecy, she says “I don’t have family, I have no one” it used to make me sad because I thought, what about me?
But I don’t anymore. A few years ago (2018), I decided we (my wife and I) would buy a home. I remember bringing it up to my mother, thinking she would be happy for us, but her reaction was the complete opposite. She said, “Who will take care of me?” and started to sob. I told her Hector her ex-husband could come and help her.
The pandemic hit so we put The Dream on hold until 8 months ago. We started looking again for properties in a rural area of California. I was also tired of the fast city/suburban life of the Silicon Valley offered.
Now, it was me who thought, “I have no one here who loves and appreciates me” other than some close friends, but it was time for us to go.
All my mother ever does is make my life miserable, each and every time I come into contact with her. It’s not worth it to me. She has help and she is smart enough to reach out and get the assistance she needs from organizations.
I tried to move her to a Senior Independent living apartment but she came up with to many excuses: its to dark, it's too quiet, etc. I tried, but now it was Time I took care of me, my needs, and my family, so I did.
As of 4 months now, I am the proud owner of a beautiful newer home on a sprawling 3 acres in the Sierra Foothills, CA population 1K in an unincorporated area that gives me Peace, Peace of Mind and Tranquility. I am close to nature and they bring me happiness.
I manifested my childhood dream and made it my reality. A chateau with a country-paved driveway two city blocks long. I feel very blessed, and all the glory goes to God. I am happy.
I reached out to a therapist to help me deal with a Narc mother and I continue to see her via Zoom and it is the best thing I could have ever done for myself.
To this day 11-25-2024 when my mother calls or I call to check in on her it is the same thing. She tries to manipulate me into guilt. I do not take her bait anymore. I have done my research, and with the help of you, Doctor Ramani I have grown.
I will always love the mother I remember, but I do not have to accept being mistreated by her or anyone for that matter. I do not know who she is anymore. It looks and sounds like her but she is 99.9% negative and evil and I feel like she is a Test for me. I do not like the way I feel after we talk, but I remember to take a deep breath, get up, walk, and pet my Free Roam bunny, Lady Cottontail and all is well again.
I know God, the angels, or her guide will guide her and watch over her. I have done my part for her. I do not feel one ounce of guilt for moving 250 miles from her. Not one ounce. (my giveadamn button is broken)
Doctor Ramani you video said a lot about what I went through. You are a wise human being and I appreciate you.
*In case anyone is wondering. Not all only children are spoiled. I was not a spoiled only child. I may be now as an adult, thanks to my wife LOL she says I am not spoiled, just Loved.
*If there are any only children, any age out there struggling with a Narc parent, seek therapy, someone you can talk to, someone to help you learn New Tools. You are not alone. Do that for yourself. If you can’t afford one, some therapists charge on a sliding scale.
All is well, MountainAngel formally Angel from The Bay
Oh wow, I never had opportunity to decide for myself to have my own family. When my mom was in hospice she said one word “children?”. I knew she meant that it might be time for me to have my own family. But I ignored it. I was 42 and spent 8 years dealing with the estate and parents care. Too late. Plus it had that feel of really being an immature poorly formed attempt at caring. She just didn’t have that ability. She was like a child in some ways.
You describe my childhood in total. Im blown away by how you know!!!!!
Yes. He was a wolf and thought me to be a wolf. He used to say he was never do the father staff, but a friend guy. Never protected me, he used to say I had to protect myself. Always competing all the time for everything. He was a AA guy and demanded me to be nothing less than the best of the class, the leader, the first, otherwise he was really disappointed. He was a malignant narcissist, just like HG Tudor.
I was an only child of a narc single mom. Dad lived in another state and I barely ever saw him. I played so many of those roles, but it changed from day to day or mood to mood. I was her counselor, golden child, scapegoat, disappointment, and more. She always had to be the center of attention. I was lonely beyond words. We also moved nearly every year until my last 3 years of HS, so that didn't help either. I hated being a kid, but was always told how lucky I was that I didn't have sibling competition and that my mom was wonderful (because they didn't know). But we were poor and my mother worked a lot, so I was always home alone doing chores (never good enough), making dinner, etc.... so, not at all spoiled. I had a complicated and strained relationship with my mother, but was always told that it was my fault. 😜
My mother's favorite triangulation was creating a 'fake' child who 'behaved.' I was constantly compared to someone who doesn't exist.
My daughter is. Her dad is a narcissist and didnt want to share custody and eventually alienation and now she is estranging me. Never met her husband or her kids,who she has never told me about. And my sisters don't tell me anything, either.
I was an only child. My mother told me when I was very young, that my father never wanted children, when I asked why I didn’t have any brothers or sisters. I later found out they had to get married because my mother was pregnant. I was judged, constantly criticised, never good enough, and felt in the way. I kept my head down to be as invisible as possible. I’m 69 now and the expectations of looking after my parents weighs heavily.
I was all the dynamics. I was rhe scapegoat and the golden child and the hero and the fixer and the invisible child. I was triangulated with everyone. Friends. Relatives. Neighbors.
I can relate.
I am the only child of Narcissistic and mentally sick father and Empathetic Mother. It was a living hell for me and my mom who is no more now. I pray that no one have to see what we have seen. That's Why I Just Hate Narcs.
Both my parents were the only kids of older mothers who were very narcissistic & didn’t want children at all 🤦♀️ naturally they married & had four daughters (not all by the same father) that got tortured by them until they died… It was like growing up in the enemy camp with no knowledge of normalcy much less love 🤷♀️ childhood CPTSD depression has persisted into retirement & makes it impossible to feel happiness 💔 peace would be nice now ☮️
I’m an only child of a narcissist mother and alcoholic enabler father. I was neglected unless they needed chores done or someone to yell at or bully for entertainment! My “mother “ would encourage my dad to join in on the bullying. Example after dinner they laughed and laughed and after about 30 minutes they told me I just ate my pet rabbits. I ran to their cage and sure enough they were gone! Evil! Now I am in my late 40s and trying to heal and deal with cptsd. I am seeing a therapist who I like. When I would ask my “mother” for bonding time, she would say “I put clothes on your back, roof over your head and food in your stomach. I don’t have to do anything else “. And she would say I had you! Like I’m supposed to be grateful for that! She made herself LOOK like an amazing mother to outsiders of the house! Also pawned me off on ANYBODY that would “watch me”. Even strangers! From birth till I could take care of myself. And there’s a lot of shady people out in the world!
As an only child, I had to deal with the abuse of my controlling, narc father and my neglectful narc mother, who didn't want the burden of dealing with me. Add to the fact I was bullied in school through out my life. I have terribly low self esteem and have to work very hard at not hating my self.
Only child of a single mother. Only realized the true nature of my family dynamics recently, I'm 57.
Now to heal and not repeat those behaviors with my adult children and grandchildren. Sadly I see some of those coping mechanisms and issues in all of us. My faith has been the greatest balm for it all, if not for God's grace I wouldn't still be here.
I’m not an only child but I am the youngest and my nearest sibling is 8 years older. So it was kind of like my siblings were aunts and uncles or sometimes parent roles. I got a lot of these roles over time. I like your description of roles being what the parent needs. Thanks
My cousins in Europe are one child parents. My parents believed in a 2 child family, one of each.
I came from a generational line of violently abusive narcissists. Also, I had 2 much older half sisters, who were the same way. I decided, at age 8, that I would make a bad parent just like them. Therefore, I hadn't any children. I do not regret that decision.
All true, unfortunately. It was a busy childhood being golden child, scapegoat, & invisible. Also a truth teller, but my parents didn't like that.... My mother was not narcissistic, but deeply unhappy being married to my father. She drank too much & was a mean drunk, as well as confiding in me completely inappropriately. That was difficult to deal with too, it wasn't just the narcissistic father who was the problem.
I was always thankful that my very premature/disabled younger brother passed away - even as a 7YO, I knew his life would have been hell if he'd survived and been brought up by my parents.
I grew up alone with two narcissistic parents, and it was exhausting to be their emotional support person/manage the house and their lives and just try to keep my head down, appear 'normal', do well at school and live through the chaos and isolation so teachers didn't realize what was going on. It was so lonely, and I was terrified of anyone finding out how things were.
I only survived because I could retreat into an imaginary world and had access to books, but it was brutal. When I escaped to university, I became the scapegoat for my mother because I wasn't majoring in what she wanted me to, and I was dating someone with long hair 😂
I finally feel seen. It's such a lonely experience. Father abandoned the family. He's definitely one of the cluster b, probably aspd. Mother's covert. When he would do something to hurt her, she would take it out on me. The enmeshment, the jealousy, the sabotage, the confusion.
A good idea for a video would be something like: "When You Find Narcissistic Traits in Yourself". Since you've mentioned that narcissistic people watch UA-cam and probably watch your channel due to projection issues, blind spots, grandiosity etc. I often find myself listening to your shows and thinking to myself that, "My narcissistic partner could just as easily say those things about me. Does that make me a narcissists?". I get it though, this show helps people who feel that they are suffering from narcissistic abuse. It is a gateway for them to diagnose their situation and listen to wise counsel about how to proceed in a healthy way. But sometimes we need to wake-up to our own narcissistic shadow and learn to tolerate it in ourselves and others or we risk becoming covert narcissists ourselves. Knowledge is power, it is the narcissistic person that succumbs to the evil embedded in that power.
I wouldn't say my parents are narcissistic but definitely have some trades, so I have gone through all of the roles.😂😂😂😂 I am an only child and not only for my parents but for other relatives. Life is not easy. I can't choose a right partner for myself. Surprise, surprise 😂😂😂
I still haven't decided about my parents either. I know I also fit multiple roles at different times, and with or without narcissism, we had substance abuse issues in my family. I too fulfilled multiple roles depending on who, when, and what else was going on.
@interlocution6619 At the end of the day it doesn't matter. If putting a label on it puts you at ease go ahead. What is really important, even crusial to you/me/us is just avoiding toxic relationships of any kind. Focus on yourself and not others and their perceptions of you. Choose ppl wisely and don't allow them to treat you how you wouldn't want to be treated and wouldn't allow yourself to treat others. With time I am learning to simplify things. They may not be simple but the questions are " Does it serve me any good? Do I feel alright?". Ppl cannot be fixed, but could be changed when necessary. Everyone is responsible for dealing with their own problems. That's my point of view. 😀
Finally a video about me 😭😭
I'm an Only child and have to wonder about my Mother sometimes..I was a good child, didn't get into trouble or hang out with the wrong crowd. When I was in high school, I started helping Mother by doing the ironing, since she was working & doing sewing for other women at night. I eventually started cooking supper, too. I feel like I did all the right things I should be doing. It's all water under the bridge now. Both of my parents are gone now, I'm not with anyone, so I only have to please myself.
Yes. This is me. Only child of the narc mother. South Africa. No contact since March 2013.
One of the worst things growing up as the only child of such parents in the 80s and being too different from most of my peers (later identified as ADHD, "gifted" and gay) to have many close friends I was always missing someone I could compare my perception with. Someone who at least sometimes sees it too, can confirm me: no, that didn't happen like mom just said, I remember it your way too. I was completely alone in the fog of their gaslighting and the constant pretense that giving a child the best care is often uncomfortable for the child who just can't understand that.
But this whole video... uff. I think this is the most "all of the above in big measure" response I had to any of the many videos I watched on this channel. If someone could have just shown me this twenty or thirty years ago, my life would have gone differently.
I feel so seen😅
"Life Ain't the Brady Bunch" should be a dark comedy on Netflix. LOL, we could write that script in a flash!
When I was little I really wanted a brother or sister.
But now I'm happy I was an only child, at least this way no one else got hurt.
"Blended families", where parents have children with multiple partners, is horrible. I wish that it hadn't become so common and normalized, because it creates horrible family dynamics.
I feel seen