for many of us in this isolated and alienated era, the difference between limerence and reality, is the difference between dying for a sweet lie and living in a bitter truth. and the saddest part is that the lie is one that we tell ourselves, or allow a part of us to be told that lie.
I am finally over my LO but will continue to watch your videos. This is so true. The countless decorating pinterest saves our apartment in the future. 15 years of a few highs and so many lows ruined so much of my life..........
Grieving sucks and some of us do anything to avoid that pain. Limerence is somehow related to our inability to let go and grieve; In my case limerence was caused by unprocessed grief (and produced more grief to be processed:) In the end, the only way out is through. I really love your channel. Thanks for sharing your wisdom.
I never understood how some people can be in a relationship for years and not be married to each other. These are people who live together, do a lot of things together, sometimes they even have children together or help each other buy big purchases. And YET, there is a line they won't cross. For example, this guy told me that they never share bank accounts or fully accompany each other to family events. That's one foot in the door and the other out the door - it doesn't work for me. I can't do that with someone for years because I'd feel like I was wasting my time. We're either a married couple or we're only friends with NO benefits.
Fenna: Your understanding is comforting & amazing. I am starting to believe that hope is inherent in love. Maybe we cannot have one without the other. We are powerless to remove either. Yet, looking back at ourselves from our rational mind, a part of us understands the futility & impossibilty of it all. Yet we keep loving & hoping for the impossible. Does it ever end? No. Some say only actually being w the other can cure it. But that will never happen, so we're doomed.
Limerence is very sneaky. My other tells me all the time how much she likes time spent with me. It gives me hope. But it’s a false hope. Because she always means it in a platonic way.
I did the same ….. yet hope is hard to let go off ….. i Will use my power to direct hope somewhere Else An kind off funny - one off the songs i was singing together with my LO was bridge over Troublet water 🙈
You are so on point and encouraging. Thanks a lot. I am on my way to plan B for three weeks. I am even worrying that maybe I did something wrong and hurt the other person even she was always unavailable. Lot of inside questioning and you are correct. Limerence is still alive and strong.
I didn't see my LO for 9 months now. But we still texting. Every day. I am waiting like a stupid the messages. When arrive a message, i feel a little bit better, but after i feel sad. Hope and waiting to be with this person. Fenna wrote something about this; out of the waiting room. I must do it, i know. Pffff
@@dutchwoman1655 I wasted 15 years with the back and forth texting. (We lived in other states and could not be with each other for a variety of reasons). He ended up being in 2 serious relationships but we would still text. When I heard from him was amazing...when I didn't hell.
Another great insight, thank you Fenna! You explained to me why. Yes, you change the catchphrase! 🙂I have a suggestion for another episode because I'm curious about your thoughts on "romantic templates" and I'm not sure if you covered this before. I was in dozens of limerent episodes throughout my life, and it seems like I always fall for the same kind of person, it's almost like the same character is reappearing in different bodies (in my case, cold, narc-borderline, distant, disinterested women). How to change that, how to dig deep into your subconscious to turn this damn thing off? It seems that I cannot have a normal relationship, and if it seems normal, I don't have any romantic feelings whatsoever, I just don't feel anything. Thank you!
Hi, Fenna! I discovered you 2 days ago. Uau (brazilian expression, I'm brazilian)! Your video "4 Reasons the limerent affair will not last" is the best explanation that I've ever seen about limerence. Your face expressions are unique. Ahahah! A trip to the unknown land! Thank you for all! I'm going to watch all your past videos.
I’m gonna read up about loss aversion.. I wonder is it kind of a half glass full mentality.. there is nothing better … Tarot cards are awful for this condition and now I delete messages a week after I get them so I don’t analyse so much
I think that my limerent episodes were all hormonal, all happened when I was going through menopause and suffering from extreme imbalances, I hope to get better when I get balanced through hormone replacement therapy
Hi Fenna, I feel confused again. After 5 months without any contact, my called me on my birthday and caught up with me. He asked about my life, as if he missed me. I was friendly but not too eager. I thought Dutch people are usually direct, but he's hard to read, he didn't say he wants me back, I don't understand the point. He broke up with me 11 months ago. Is there reason to have hope? I don't intend to initiate any contact myself.
Fenna, thank you, he broke up 11 months ago, it was a good relationship but volatile because he has relationship OCD, ADHD, and avoidant attachment. Last May, he also called me out of the blue and he seemed interested in me. He shipped me some treats from Holland I like. When I called him to say thank you, he just texted back and was short. So, I let it go. But still limerent.. And now 5 months later, he called me. This time, I was more guarded but it felt good to talk again. even if just small talk. I wouldn't be comfortable to ask him, because each time during the relationship, he undermined his feelings and talked about his doubts. If I stay NC, he must know it's his job to say what he wants?
Sometimes people with attachment issues contact their exes for a bit of comfort, a boost in self-esteem or in the hope of sex. I don't think he really, honestly wants you back because if he did he would have acted more strongly and earlier. This is just probably him feeling lonely, nostalgic or whatever but don't get your hopes up. Would be my two cents on this.
@@AG-ej7wm Thanks for your take. We live in different countries now, it's not for sex. Maybe he missed me and needed comfort. I know avoidants need more time to process their feelings. My ex always struggled to be vulnerable, and undermined his feelings for me. The thing is it's not common to call, send a present, instead of a breadcrumb text... He also called me around 5 months after the breakup, before that I initiated a talk. So I imagine it would be more subtle with him than with someone secure.During the birthday call, he made inside jokes that was like him saying "you were right about me". Maybe he was hoping for me to do the work?
@@MissSarahGM Dear Sarah, of course please take what I say with a grain of salt, I don't know the both of you. But.. he is an avoidant person so isn't this a bit typical, they become warmer and more attentive when far away (you are at a safe distance, in a different country) but if you really got close again the distant behaviour and avoidance would also start again? I am just saying that sendig you a gift and calling you is not necessarily a sign of him having worked out his issues and being more capable of a relationship. He might still be fully involved in his patterns and if you gave him a chance (if he even wanted it) he might hurt you again. So I wouldn't think too much about his intentions, more about his capabilities, that might still roughly be the same.
@@AG-ej7wm Thank you for clarifying your point. It is true. I feel like his bids for connection and actions are not typical of someone who is the dumper. And you are right that the distance and the loss may bring him safety to access his feelings for me. He has other issues that caused chaos in the relationship, his ADHD and relationship OCD, which made him obsess and be tormented by doubts. After the breakup I sent him an article on that, he thanked me but didn't comment it. I am not sure if he has done any self-reflection all these months apart. When he called me recently on my special day, he referred to an inside joke, and it was like him saying "you were right about me", it was about a fiction character that is scared of love... I was warm but didn't try to carry on the chat. I didn't initiate since then. Am I supposed to? I would like him to make his intentions clear and initiate contact consistently. I guess that would show if his "capabilities" have changed?
Depends also if you are limerent on your coworker, boss, or the professor. I mean if your work and studies are related to the LO it's a lot harder. What helps me against limerence is total distraction by sports that challenge me, or a social gathering or course that demands my full attention.
"your hoping doesn't mean there's actually hope"... love it! thanks again Fenna.
for many of us in this isolated and alienated era, the difference between limerence and reality, is the difference between dying for a sweet lie and living in a bitter truth. and the saddest part is that the lie is one that we tell ourselves, or allow a part of us to be told that lie.
I am finally over my LO but will continue to watch your videos.
This is so true. The countless decorating pinterest saves our apartment in the future.
15 years of a few highs and so many lows ruined so much of my life..........
It’s hard to let go of the hope when she’s asking you to give her more time to figure out her situation!
Ai that's bad, this Fuels limerence, I hope you will not give it a year
Grieving sucks and some of us do anything to avoid that pain. Limerence is somehow related to our inability to let go and grieve; In my case limerence was caused by unprocessed grief (and produced more grief to be processed:) In the end, the only way out is through. I really love your channel. Thanks for sharing your wisdom.
I never understood how some people can be in a relationship for years and not be married to each other. These are people who live together, do a lot of things together, sometimes they even have children together or help each other buy big purchases. And YET, there is a line they won't cross. For example, this guy told me that they never share bank accounts or fully accompany each other to family events. That's one foot in the door and the other out the door - it doesn't work for me. I can't do that with someone for years because I'd feel like I was wasting my time. We're either a married couple or we're only friends with NO benefits.
If that's what you want then there is nothing wrong with that.
Fenna: Your understanding is comforting & amazing. I am starting to believe that hope is inherent in love. Maybe we cannot have one without the other. We are powerless to remove either. Yet, looking back at ourselves from our rational mind, a part of us understands the futility & impossibilty of it all. Yet we keep loving & hoping for the impossible. Does it ever end? No. Some say only actually being w the other can cure it. But that will never happen, so we're doomed.
Limerence is very sneaky. My other tells me all the time how much she likes time spent with me. It gives me hope. But it’s a false hope. Because she always means it in a platonic way.
I threw a firebomb on that bridge!!! It's a good thing I'm an expert at selfsabotage!!! HEHEHEHEHE
I did the same ….. yet hope is hard to let go off ….. i Will use my power to direct hope somewhere Else
An kind off funny - one off the songs i was singing together with my LO was bridge over Troublet water 🙈
You are so on point and encouraging. Thanks a lot. I am on my way to plan B for three weeks. I am even worrying that maybe I did something wrong and hurt the other person even she was always unavailable. Lot of inside questioning and you are correct. Limerence is still alive and strong.
@@followingfenna ExactY!
I didn't see my LO for 9 months now. But we still texting. Every day. I am waiting like a stupid the messages. When arrive a message, i feel a little bit better, but after i feel sad. Hope and waiting to be with this person. Fenna wrote something about this; out of the waiting room. I must do it, i know. Pffff
@@dutchwoman1655 I wasted 15 years with the back and forth texting. (We lived in other states and could not be with each other for a variety of reasons). He ended up being in 2 serious relationships but we would still text. When I heard from him was amazing...when I didn't hell.
@@followingfenna thank you for your words and help
@@dutchwoman1655 How are you now?
Like the music.
You have the deepest understanding of this condition and a powerful way of helping us to realise what is happening. My sincere thanks.
Another great insight, thank you Fenna! You explained to me why. Yes, you change the catchphrase! 🙂I have a suggestion for another episode because I'm curious about your thoughts on "romantic templates" and I'm not sure if you covered this before. I was in dozens of limerent episodes throughout my life, and it seems like I always fall for the same kind of person, it's almost like the same character is reappearing in different bodies (in my case, cold, narc-borderline, distant, disinterested women). How to change that, how to dig deep into your subconscious to turn this damn thing off? It seems that I cannot have a normal relationship, and if it seems normal, I don't have any romantic feelings whatsoever, I just don't feel anything. Thank you!
@@followingfenna I even hope to find someone "too available" for me...
Thank you Fenna
Hi, Fenna! I discovered you 2 days ago. Uau (brazilian expression, I'm brazilian)! Your video "4 Reasons the limerent affair will not last" is the best explanation that I've ever seen about limerence. Your face expressions are unique. Ahahah! A trip to the unknown land! Thank you for all! I'm going to watch all your past videos.
Thank you so much for this😭
You are very welcome Emma
Makes sense
I’m gonna read up about loss aversion.. I wonder is it kind of a half glass full mentality.. there is nothing better …
Tarot cards are awful for this condition and now I delete messages a week after I get them so I don’t analyse so much
That's a great idea if you can do it!
I think that my limerent episodes were all hormonal, all happened when I was going through menopause and suffering from extreme imbalances, I hope to get better when I get balanced through hormone replacement therapy
Hi Fenna, I feel confused again. After 5 months without any contact, my called me on my birthday and caught up with me. He asked about my life, as if he missed me. I was friendly but not too eager. I thought Dutch people are usually direct, but he's hard to read, he didn't say he wants me back, I don't understand the point. He broke up with me 11 months ago. Is there reason to have hope? I don't intend to initiate any contact myself.
Fenna, thank you, he broke up 11 months ago, it was a good relationship but volatile because he has relationship OCD, ADHD, and avoidant attachment. Last May, he also called me out of the blue and he seemed interested in me. He shipped me some treats from Holland I like. When I called him to say thank you, he just texted back and was short. So, I let it go. But still limerent.. And now 5 months later, he called me. This time, I was more guarded but it felt good to talk again. even if just small talk.
I wouldn't be comfortable to ask him, because each time during the relationship, he undermined his feelings and talked about his doubts. If I stay NC, he must know it's his job to say what he wants?
Sometimes people with attachment issues contact their exes for a bit of comfort, a boost in self-esteem or in the hope of sex. I don't think he really, honestly wants you back because if he did he would have acted more strongly and earlier. This is just probably him feeling lonely, nostalgic or whatever but don't get your hopes up. Would be my two cents on this.
@@AG-ej7wm Thanks for your take. We live in different countries now, it's not for sex. Maybe he missed me and needed comfort. I know avoidants need more time to process their feelings. My ex always struggled to be vulnerable, and undermined his feelings for me. The thing is it's not common to call, send a present, instead of a breadcrumb text... He also called me around 5 months after the breakup, before that I initiated a talk. So I imagine it would be more subtle with him than with someone secure.During the birthday call, he made inside jokes that was like him saying "you were right about me". Maybe he was hoping for me to do the work?
@@MissSarahGM Dear Sarah, of course please take what I say with a grain of salt, I don't know the both of you. But.. he is an avoidant person so isn't this a bit typical, they become warmer and more attentive when far away (you are at a safe distance, in a different country) but if you really got close again the distant behaviour and avoidance would also start again? I am just saying that sendig you a gift and calling you is not necessarily a sign of him having worked out his issues and being more capable of a relationship. He might still be fully involved in his patterns and if you gave him a chance (if he even wanted it) he might hurt you again. So I wouldn't think too much about his intentions, more about his capabilities, that might still roughly be the same.
@@AG-ej7wm Thank you for clarifying your point. It is true. I feel like his bids for connection and actions are not typical of someone who is the dumper. And you are right that the distance and the loss may bring him safety to access his feelings for me. He has other issues that caused chaos in the relationship, his ADHD and relationship OCD, which made him obsess and be tormented by doubts. After the breakup I sent him an article on that, he thanked me but didn't comment it. I am not sure if he has done any self-reflection all these months apart. When he called me recently on my special day, he referred to an inside joke, and it was like him saying "you were right about me", it was about a fiction character that is scared of love... I was warm but didn't try to carry on the chat. I didn't initiate since then. Am I supposed to? I would like him to make his intentions clear and initiate contact consistently. I guess that would show if his "capabilities" have changed?
Mind trick
Is there any way to focus on work and study while having an limerant episode.
Depends also if you are limerent on your coworker, boss, or the professor. I mean if your work and studies are related to the LO it's a lot harder. What helps me against limerence is total distraction by sports that challenge me, or a social gathering or course that demands my full attention.