If you need extra help talking true, remember to download the guide for scripts: www.terricole.com/less-assuming-more-speaking-up-guide For a deeper dive, join my membership where I host four Q&A calls every month! You get access to my signature courses like Boundary Boss Bootcamp, too: terricole.com/tcm
Thank you Terri! Great episode and great insights! As a recovering people-pleaser/codependent, trying really hard not to anticipate people's needs/read their body language, so they can use their words and not feel ashamed on how they are feeling.
Fear of confrontation and people with explosive personalities if you speak up and disagree. History has taught me that with certain people, I cannot talk true. It sucks. But working on it and working on those uncomfortable feelings around disappointing people, and learning to remove myself from scenarios with certain narcissistic and BPD individuals who explode.
Yes, since I like to communicate with truth, there are some that only have a conversation with themselves because they are always right. That they think they are more intelligent and at a higher level as you. I just walk away and never engage anymore unless it's a work response.
I can't even decline a question politely like how old are you from a stranger at work they called shoulder you they don't understand why they don't have anything else to talk to you about and now it's these young guys from other countries interrogating me just like the little ladies😊
positive projections, projecting my good qualities on to other people, that is something I still sometimes fail - just recently. I assume others are like me, and then I am disappointed - instead of letting them show how they are, and just being aware of how they are. 'When they show us who they are, we need to believe them rather than assuming that they are like us' And journaling and self compassion is really helpful ! Thank you Terri for another great video !
For me it was rejection. There was no room in my mother's kitchen for me. The idea that nothing could be out of it's place. When on my own I baked or cooked as I wished and what I liked. Rejection of my goals, needs, or even wants. When my mom and spouse found an ally in each other, I went through the sarcasm a long while ago and I have just learned that it will never be what I had hoped. It simply is not currently allowed so I have to look forward. Spoke up (in therapy as well) and it is just the ultimate future faking turned into an absolute unwillingness. I wish I could join Terri.🌹 I don't have the ability right now but if I get the position I applied that will change.
Next week's episode will be about fear of rejection! It's so, so difficult and painful when we have a rejecting parent. Sending love and hoping you get the position you applied for! 💕
Terri dear, I was devastated when I tried setting a boundary ( rather calmly and decently!.) . Now I feel people being aggressive and shouting at me and my kids.... Our neighbors were throwing their dirty laundry water in our yard because they had it easier than another option and I kept cleaning the mess that was left behind after their useless attempts of cleaning. And they made this a permanent thing. When I tried setting a boundary they take it all out on my kids.I cannot share everything here but it is hard😢 😢😢
I have been practicing setting boundaries and learning about my own codependency from reading both of your books. They have helped me alot. I'm gonna go back through them because I've been feeling triggered about my spouses ex coming around. My spouse is 15years older then me and his daughter is 10 years younger. Her mother lives with her and brings her to every family function. At first it didn't bother me but now she seems to be too comfortable "back in the family" and she is too familiar (flirty) with my spouse. His daughter even brought her mom to my family reunion without asking. That really ticked me off. I don't feel they did it with the intention to piss me off but rather ignorance. I have told my spouse that I don't appreciate his ex around for every event nor the flirting and he admits there is "familiarness" with them and said he'd be more mindful and not do that. However, I'm still bothered about the ex being around and I'm having trouble speaking up because I don't want his daughter to hate me. Her mother has no other family in town and is low functioning who depends on the daughter for a lot. This is a hard one for me. 😒
That does sound really hard, Christina ❤️ I'm sorry you're caught between these dynamics. I'm glad you're speaking up to your spouse, and I hope my books help you work through this!
You're so not alone 💕 That's why I think it's important that we begin in very low-stakes situations, to prove that we can say no and that it will work out okay.
I remember being confused about "bless her heart" as a child growing up. I thought I recovered from codependency, but after taking the enneagram quiz, I see I still have work to do in this area.
If you need extra help talking true, remember to download the guide for scripts: www.terricole.com/less-assuming-more-speaking-up-guide For a deeper dive, join my membership where I host four Q&A calls every month! You get access to my signature courses like Boundary Boss Bootcamp, too: terricole.com/tcm
The "not wanting to disappoint, because of the expectations". This video is right on time
I see you 💕
Now I'm gonna have to course correct. Another expectation. Another dilemma. 😥.
Crazy how difficult this stuff is
I feel you 💕
Thank you Terri! Great episode and great insights! As a recovering people-pleaser/codependent, trying really hard not to anticipate people's needs/read their body language, so they can use their words and not feel ashamed on how they are feeling.
It can be so hard, but you got this 💕
Fear of confrontation and people with explosive personalities if you speak up and disagree. History has taught me that with certain people, I cannot talk true. It sucks. But working on it and working on those uncomfortable feelings around disappointing people, and learning to remove myself from scenarios with certain narcissistic and BPD individuals who explode.
Yes, since I like to communicate with truth, there are some that only have a conversation with themselves because they are always right.
That they think they are more intelligent and at a higher level as you.
I just walk away and never engage anymore unless it's a work response.
Yes, it has to be safe for us to talk true 💕 Our safety definitely comes first!
I can't even decline a question politely like how old are you from a stranger at work they called shoulder you they don't understand why they don't have anything else to talk to you about and now it's these young guys from other countries interrogating me just like the little ladies😊
Your Speech examples are so so so helpful, I spent so many years literally speechless!
Someone mentioned the idea of 'psychologising' of focusing on subtext / intention instead of just stating what I see / what i need
Me too
So glad it's helpful 💕
positive projections, projecting my good qualities on to other people, that is something I still sometimes fail - just recently. I assume others are like me, and then I am disappointed - instead of letting them show how they are, and just being aware of how they are.
'When they show us who they are, we need to believe them rather than assuming that they are like us'
And journaling and self compassion is really helpful !
Thank you Terri for another great video !
Thank you for sharing 💕
I appreciate 🙏 you ✨❤ Thank you Terri. So many gems 💎💎💎 here.
💕💕
For me it was rejection. There was no room in my mother's kitchen for me. The idea that nothing could be out of it's place.
When on my own I baked or cooked as I wished and what I liked. Rejection of my goals, needs, or even wants. When my mom and spouse found an ally in each other, I went through the sarcasm a long while ago and I have just learned that it will never be what I had hoped. It simply is not currently allowed so I have to look forward.
Spoke up (in therapy as well) and it is just the ultimate future faking turned into an absolute unwillingness.
I wish I could join Terri.🌹
I don't have the ability right now but if I get the position I applied that will change.
Next week's episode will be about fear of rejection! It's so, so difficult and painful when we have a rejecting parent. Sending love and hoping you get the position you applied for! 💕
@@terri_colecan’t wait…. I get paralyzed by fear of rejection
Wow! So much value! Thank you, Terr! And NO loud, disruptive commercials!! What a gift!
❤️
Terri dear, I was devastated when I tried setting a boundary ( rather calmly and decently!.) . Now I feel people being aggressive and shouting at me and my kids.... Our neighbors were throwing their dirty laundry water in our yard because they had it easier than another option and I kept cleaning the mess that was left behind after their useless attempts of cleaning. And they made this a permanent thing.
When I tried setting a boundary they take it all out on my kids.I cannot share everything here but it is hard😢 😢😢
I am witnessing you with so much compassion, Lily 💕 I'm so sorry you're dealing with this situation.
@@terri_cole Thank you dear one❤️😘🙏
I have been practicing setting boundaries and learning about my own codependency from reading both of your books. They have helped me alot. I'm gonna go back through them because I've been feeling triggered about my spouses ex coming around. My spouse is 15years older then me and his daughter is 10 years younger. Her mother lives with her and brings her to every family function. At first it didn't bother me but now she seems to be too comfortable "back in the family" and she is too familiar (flirty) with my spouse. His daughter even brought her mom to my family reunion without asking. That really ticked me off. I don't feel they did it with the intention to piss me off but rather ignorance. I have told my spouse that I don't appreciate his ex around for every event nor the flirting and he admits there is "familiarness" with them and said he'd be more mindful and not do that. However, I'm still bothered about the ex being around and I'm having trouble speaking up because I don't want his daughter to hate me. Her mother has no other family in town and is low functioning who depends on the daughter for a lot.
This is a hard one for me. 😒
That does sound really hard, Christina ❤️ I'm sorry you're caught between these dynamics. I'm glad you're speaking up to your spouse, and I hope my books help you work through this!
@terri_cole Thank you! ❤️
Another great episode ❤
Thank you Terry!
You're so welcome, thanks for watching 💕
Such a super sub-topic - thank you.
Thanks for watching 💕
I’m afraid of others getting angry with me if I say no. I’m like George Mcfly, I’m just not good at confrontations.
You're so not alone 💕 That's why I think it's important that we begin in very low-stakes situations, to prove that we can say no and that it will work out okay.
I remember being confused about "bless her heart" as a child growing up. I thought I recovered from codependency, but after taking the enneagram quiz, I see I still have work to do in this area.
It's an ongoing journey- that's why I say we get into recovery, but we are never truly recovered (I'm right there with ya) 💕
Hey, that's me! ❤❤❤
💕💕💕
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
💕💕
Can't they see that I'm in a comma.? 😂
That’s not being selfish?
I'm not clear on what you're referring to. Could you please clarify?