It’s When The Terror ENDS That Trauma Survivors Sometimes Break Down
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- Опубліковано 18 кві 2024
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Living through a traumatic childhood takes extraordinary survival skills. You shut down, act tough, dance around to make other people happy, even when it means losing yourself. Sometimes the pain of all you’ve been through doesn’t show up until after the trauma ends. In this video I respond to a letter from a woman who is reckoning with a lifetime of abuse that has now affected her children - and her emotional dysregulation with the first good partner she’s ever had.
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Excellent, but how does one deal with loneliness at the age of sixty. Thank you.
Go out and socialize in your community. Volunteer, activities you enjoy, Meetup groups, educational classes. A few ideas.
@@JohnKeaney-su3iz I'm right there with you. There are all kinds of videos that get to the heart of loneliness. I hope you find some that speak to you and that you begin to heal and find connections with people in your area.
@@JohnKeaney-su3iz I'm working on that and have been for a while. Like most middle-aged men who work in tech, I got fat, thankfully not bald, and then I decided to do something about it. I built a habit of exercising every day, at least a little. I knew what to do; I just got off my overly large behind (310 pounds) and did it. Over a period of about four years, I lost eighty pounds and now weigh less than I did in college at a trim 225. It was part of my own self-directed self-esteem improvement project that included a second college degree and publishing a book. After I managed that, and I still felt like - you know how we feel about ourselves, that led me here. There's no magic, it takes work. I know how to do that, and I want it.
Don't stop you will never perfect! Neither will I. I have never considered this an impossible thing to do! I have made it an on going quest for healing every single day for close to 30 years. No way I'm giving up now I would rather use my tools, my mind, and anything it takes to stay on a healing journey instead of having to live thru and recall all the experiences of childhood that was nothing less than dust in the wind!! After this period of long hard work! I realized CPTSD made me a hell of a lot stronger of a person now I help fellow veterans with courage to kick this in the ASS! You can too!!
This is one of the most complex, multilayered cases of cruelty and emotional abuse I've ever heard. This lady needs lots of help. If you are reading this, please know you are worth all the help and support you need. I hope you find healing.
unfortunately, as someone who started off with severe emotional neglect in childhood, which later left me vulnerable to sexual abuse and then more and more escalating abuse (cults, emotional abuse from bosses and spouses), it just keeps going and escalates over time :( until we heal. Except often times we don't even know we need help, this seems "normal"
❤
Freddie's story is one of the worst I've ever heard. Bless your heart, Freddie, and your children. Random internet strangers are crying for you, grieving with you, and celebrating you.
Thanks, Anna.
Truly! 🖤
Thanks for sharing these kind words! -Calista@TeamFairy
You arent alone hugs freddie
It reminds me of childhood when you have never known anything different. Only survival mode, which keeps us in a state of out-pacing pain. When you no longer have to run, all the pain and anger catch up in a big pile-up.
Such a good way to describe it.
The Hoffman Process by John and Julie Gottman
The Untethered Soul by Micheal Singer
The Body Keeps The Score Brain Mind And Body Keeps The Score - by Bessel Van Der Volk
Safe People by Henry Cloud
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
@@Carmen-wp1ut thank you 🙏
@@sherriflemming3218 thank you!! 🙏
@@4coolclips You're very welcome!
Made me cry to hear that when you are abused you don’t even know that you can say no. It describes my life so much. Forgetting that my own opinions, feelings, and needs matter and that I can and should consider them.
Yes, I related to that so much! As a younger person, I had no idea whatsoever that I could/should say NO to certain things. I thought I was obligated to do whatever anyone wanted me to do, regardless of how I felt about it. I still struggle with this a bit, but to a much lesser degree, as a much older and more healed person.
Yes, same! I am 57 years old and only recently through therapy I am coming to realize I did not, could not have opinions, feelings or have a say in my life. I wonder if my husband even realized how lucky he was all these years.
Yeah I found that you become a real people pleaser with CPTSD, And it's a terrible thing You have to learn to say no it's hard because you want someone to make you feel important and you want to feel important so it's hard to understand the concept but you're building yourself up slowly and understanding each step along the way that way you know once you start practicing is good but as you continue practicing it becomes much better much much better you'll learn you will catch yourself using the tools and you'll be amazed the tools are all kinds of stuff mine were writing things down and then going back and putting a perfect caption with what you wrote down that was bad or something you didn't understand or something you perceived It helps you after your bits of anger and the other emotions that happen with it You just have to know when to go back to that thing that you wrote down that bothered you when you can control your emotions better so then everything starts to kind of slow down including your mind that is going trauma trauma trauma trauma over and over That's the part that slowly starts to only say trauma and then you realize that you're not looping this over and over I hope that helps and I wish you well it's a road that you're riding down and right now the bumps are terrible You're all over the road you're confused the cars jumping up and down and back and forth and sideways and I call it my pinball machine in my head You know when you play pinball machine and you get extra pinballs and the thing just starts going nuts like ding ding ding ding ding ding bells are ringing all kinds of lights are lighting up everything's bouncing everywhere and you're trying to hit the balls perfect every time it don't work It just don't work with CPTSD It is a very difficult mental challenge that will make you better understand yourself I know you don't believe it but it's true there will be a time when you will understand CPTSD and trauma so much better use your tools just use your tools. Never stop talking about mental health!! Help someone else around you find their way as long as they warrant your friendship and your loyalty then you'll be fine find a family member that you find a lot of trust in one that you care about and they care about you be careful though Make sure that they won't go talking behind your back You do not need anyone toxic while you're trying to get better yourself so don't allow toxic people around you It will ruin your ability to heal or to start dealing anyway It will ruin it no toxic no toxic no toxic nobody will fix you but you! No therapist will ever fix you The therapist will give you the tools but they will not fix you who's got to fix you start saying that to yourself when you look in the mirror who's got to fix me who has to fix me and you're going to be looking at yourself cuz I don't want to disappoint you if you have to fix yourself You got it You can do it
Peace out!
@@markmattingly2929 Yes! I’ve been reading a book that Anna recommended, “Complex PTSD : From Surviving To Thriving” by Pete Walker. It’s been helping me. I had my first breakthrough of mental clarity yesterday. I felt so free for the first time in years. This channel and Patrick Teahan, who brought me here, have been so helpful for my healing. I’m still dealing with the toxic inner critic but at least I know what to do now to combat it and have some moments of peace free from fear and and anxiety. I’m not sure where you are on your journey but good luck to you!
@@GoldenMiddleGround I'm still after 28 years still using tools and lots of writing and various other things that continue to keep me on my strong and positive path. I have practiced along time. I still tried to stay grounded in my healing and I go back and forth to different mental health healers and therapist and occasionally comment to try to help people out and let them know I've been there and I fought it and they can fight it too just like you You can fight it and I still spend a day a week sometimes I'll skip a week but I still just stay brushed up on my healing I know if I completely stop oh no not a good idea I've done that before and then I wind up in the same place I was so I stopped doing that about 15 years ago I stay true to my healing and my healing stays true to me! Keep fighting the good fight!
I was frozen my entire life. Then my abusive mother died and the rage took me over out of nowhere. I was always angry. For fifteen years. I didn't deserve it. None of us did.
So difficult. But makes entire sense.
I'm barely a minute in, but I'll say this - this person's response to her son's words were reflection and accountability? That's no small thing, I give this person credit for starting from there. Not to minimize the son's experience, but that's a great place to start.
I agree with this, the strength it took to write this letter...
Agree! She’s pretty amazing!
Safe People by Henry Cloud
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
The Hoffman Process by John and Julie Gottman
The Untethered Soul by Micheal Singer
It shows that she is a much different person than her mother, for sure! Even after all she went through, she has so much empathy and personal accountability.
My mouth has dropped watching this.... this poor woman is AMAZING. Wow!
I was definitely happier before having my realisations/awakening, and learning about Complex-PTSD. But I'm putting that down to denial, delusional and magical thinking. It's all hitting me now.
I'm almost in tears. This lady & her son need so much help. It sounds like generational self hatred & pain. Her mother & G-parents are very hateful towards her & her siblings. I pray she & her sons learn to love themselves & each other.
Wow. It’s difficult to wrap one’s head around someone as evil as the mom in this letter. Nothing can excuse her behaviour. She’s just pure evil.
She's an alcoholic Narcissistic Nightmare!! Like my mummy. But worse!
I haven't had nearly the past of this woman but I very much relate to having breakdowns around healthy families and people who I love and felt safe around. It was grief. Grief that I didn't have this all along. And it felt like pressure to then not mess it up - which of course, it got messed up.
I am getting better though. It's hard, but there is hope.
You can win and keep getting better there was a time I gave up! I still have really bad days it's going to happen, the true test is how you process negatively.
You can tell your brain to stop this useless thought, just know the thoughts may be bad or scary or in my case at one time I would break into terrible flight situations.. some fight some freeze? I would leave the place where I was triggered and be GONE. Now about 12 years later I process and manage my thoughts in a completely different ways! It took 12 years of struggling trying to figure this out small cautious baby steps. Don't even attempt to eat the elephant all at once, it's way to hard to attack everything at once that is attached to CPTSD. Take one challenge at a time..
Peace out!!
That resonates!!
Freddie, it sounds like your survival armor is breaking away and the pain that piled up in your body over so many years is finally moving through. It comes as no surprise that it’s manifesting as what feels like senseless lashing out at your husband. He’s the first safe space you’ve ever had to release your pain. It feels shameful to unleash on him as an innocent bystander, but it’s those who give us unconditional love and grace who get see our vulnerability, for better or for worse. I hope you seek and receive the support you need to heal. Kudos to you for sharing your story and exploring ways to understand your trauma. That takes great courage and humility. ❤
I’m a child of a mother who didn’t leave my tormentor. Now I’m 37 and deeply traumatized, and always will be. My mother hasn’t healed, and never took accountability for what she did.
You start your letter by saying your son’s childhood was good, but then in the end of the letter you describe how your partners beat the crap out of him.
Start by accepting that no childhood is good if someone physically abuses the child.
I believe if you heal and grow and explain your behavior and genuinely take accountability for accepting the abuse you caused to your son, and ask for forgiveness and talk to him when he brings this up, and not run away from your part in it, you all might heal and have a good relationship.
I’ve recently noticed that now that I don’t have anyone to defend myself from, I’m losing it! Had to keep myself centered in the past. Now that I don’t have to be on guard all the time, it seems I just don’t know how to behave and even worse, I don’t know who I am any more!! I’m without definition or boundaries and it’s driving me nuts!!!
This happened to me as well. You will be okay. It's understandable and normal that this has happened if you were enmeshed with another person, if you've experienced trauma or abuse. You may not even realize that you have. I didn't for a very long time. I spent my life saying, to myself, "It wasn't that bad," and, "Others have it so much worse." Until I came to the realization that it WAS that bad and that PAIN IS NOT A CONTEST. I realized, after the abusive relationship with my ex ended, I had concentrated only on pleasing that person while completely neglecting myself and my own needs to the degree that I no longer remembered what my own wants and desires were, what my favorite things were, what I enjoyed or not, I forgot who I was. Entirely.
I forgot my own dreams, all of it. I vowed never to do that again, to lose myself in another person like that, again. (I did not yet understand that the desire to treat the relationship that way came from being raised in abuse, specifically, by a person who was a malignant narcissist, in addition to being severely histrionic in their behavior. Also, unbeknownst to myself, the romantic relationship that followed landed me with another narcissist, also likely as a result of the type of upbringing I experienced.)
You are not alone. You don't know "what you don't know", especially when you've had no one to guide you in navigating your own growth and development. Other people do not come first, YOU do. I know that feels selfish to think about, but I promise you, it's not. It is unhealthy to have the mindset, "If everyone else around me is happy, I should be fine. I should be happy." Other people's feelings are not your responsibility. I remember how alien that sentence was to me the first time I read it, how foreign it sounded. Keeping everyone else around you happy & with their needs met - while neglecting your own wants and needs is not your job. Regulating your own wants and needs, is your job. Other people are going to feel the way they are going to feel, regardless of what you do or what you want. You cannot control other people's feelings, nor should you wish to. Letting go of the the need for "everyone to like me" was really difficult. It's an irrational desire. Not everyone will like you. You know what? That's perfectly fine!
I still fight with my own self neglect issues, but I'm working on it, & I've definitely come a long way. Channels like this one have helped a great deal. Studying Stoicism has been wonderful, in my case. Unfortunately, "Journaling" does nothing for me, but we are all different. Maybe it would be helpful for you. Creating artwork helps me. Your experiences have been your own, and I cannot speak for you, but I can tell you that YOU ARE NOT WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU.
What helped me when I had this experience was not jumping into another relationship. I did not date at all for nearly six years. I spent time with myself, hung out with and got to know MYSELF. I did a hell of a lot of self reflection, reading and deep contemplation, meditation, and decided to learn to play a new musical instrument as well as to teach myself a new artistic medium. I had to learn/relearn to appreciate MYSELF. No longer able to realize what the things I admired were any longer, or what I enjoyed, I decided to rediscover them. To start over. To try all of the new things I'd wanted to try and revisit other things, (as long as it harmed no one, including myself.)
You can do it! You can start to heal too, although it feels impossible. The first step to solving any issue is to identify the problem. That's often the hardest part, and you've worked that part already! That's progress!
Spend time with yourself. Reacquaint yourself with yourself.
Seek professional help if you feel it will benefit you. There's no shame in needing help, especially with things like this, and, if you're anything like myself & many others here, I know it's difficult, but try not to ruminate and beat yourself up about it. You're not stupid. You deserve good things. You are worth it. You are enough.
I believe in you. You can believe in yourself again, or for the first time, too.
Blessings and strength to you.
🖤
I felt this comment deeply. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.
I have said to my counselor and other people a number of times that when I finally get my life in order and don't have to be angry anymore to protect myself, there's going to be a huge hole where that anger used to be. I won't know what to do without that anger. Anger has been my constant companion since I was a child. It's been my shield. If it goes away, I'll be vulnerable. Vulnerability would be all right if I was in a safe place with safe people, but I'm not. I've never been in a safe place with safe people, and I'm beginning to wonder if I ever will find those things I need.
What do I do if I'm not angry? I based my personality around being sarcastic and snappy, sassy. What happens to me if I'm not like that anymore if I don't need to be? What does it feel like to no longer need to walk on eggshells? I can finally relax -- how do I even relax?
Yes, I totally, totally relate to your story. I hope you find that peace, find yourself, and have a grand time discovering the new you. Best wishes to you on your healing journey.
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
The Hoffman Process by John and Julie Gottman
The Untethered Soul by Micheal Singer
Safe People by Henry Cloud
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
@@B1ackDahlia767 "Pain is not a contest", no it is not! I
feel invlidated when someone tries one-up me with their pain. By the same token, I often invalidate myself by thinking "what I went through wasn't as bad as..."
Pain is pain, and no one's pain is more important ,or any less than anyone elses, mine included!`
@@christinelamb1167 exactly! I was referring moreso to my constant downplaying of my own experiences, but, yes. Absolutely, that too. No one's pain is more or less than anyone else's. It's not a contest. No one "deserves" more (insert whatever,) because they "fell down more stairs" than the other person, etc. Pain is pain. It is the same degree of terrible for every living thing. Having grown up with a master manipulator who was huge on playing the victim game, constantly seeking pity, the opposite was ever-emphasized to me. No one had it worse than my parent. Everyone was out to get them. Everyone was always "doing something to them", (I was constantly, falsely accused of this when all I ever wanted was to be left alone.) My pain never existed. I was always "exaggerating" and/or "trying to get attention". I couldn't have opinions or ideas. I had no autonomy, & I was forever an idiot infant in their eyes. It was quite the awakening when I managed to escape that environment, & I vividly recall how shocked I was, discovering the reality of pain, "not being a contest". Narcissists, no empathy. So freaking sad and bizarre.
This happend to me. I finally was in a house with my boyfriends family, who are loving, amazing, welcoming. And I literally collapsed. I started doubting if they were trying to hurt me. Just because I did not cope with the fact that I was safe with a family in a house.
So relatable 😢 I feel fortunate that I've meet healthy families bc there is hope for me to have a beautiful healthy relationships with people. But as I've gotten older I'm also started to experience a lot of anger fully realizing that I wasn't cared for as a child and that I wasn't "too much" for needing basic support from my dad like cooking, cleaning, helping me socialize, protecting me from abusive addicted family members
Pete Walker's audiobook - CPTSD From Surviving to Thriving, is free on UA-cam. It is excellent.
Thank you so much I will hear it starting today
The Hoffman Process by John and Julie Gottman
The Untethered Soul by Micheal Singer
The Body Keeps The Score Brain Mind And Body In The Healing Of Trauma---Bessell Van Der Volk
Thanks so much❤
Thank you
Thank you for sharing this!!❤❤
Bless you Freddie - I hear your pain. I bear you witness and I wish you well darling.
My life isn’t much better than hers. I truly feel for you Freddie, and I wish you peace and healing moving forward.
Sending you lots of love and healing energy 🤍
Yeah HappyCat. Hang in there. I'm trying too.
Oh Freddy, my heart goes out to you! I want you to know you are amazing! What you were able to accomplish for your sons against the odds was really better than most could! Your son/s will likely be successful in their healing much due to having witnessed your resilience. I wish you the absolute best healing! 💞
Thank you for sharing these words of encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
The fact that her son is telling her how he feels is a wonderful thing, he has not given up on her and he is able to articulate his feelings, there's a LOT of hope for these two, good luck to them.
I literally have tears in my eyes.
She’s wondering what’s wrong? She’s been horribly mistreated by people who should have protected and nurtured her. But nevertheless she survived!
As an empath I feel pain after hearing this but intellectually I am filled with respect for her and the fact that she is still striving for understanding and personal growth.
I hope her son hears her story and that it helps him at least a little bit.
Not knowing that I can say no - resonates so much.
Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I left a narcisstic abusive marriage with my 4 kids (one with special needs that I was never fully allowed to grieve for due to coercive control to get to “acceptance” right now!!) 7 years ago. In Sep 23 I had a NDE in a side by side (4wheeler off road) accident that had me trapped by my seatbelt upside down in a river. Yep - about as traumatic as it sounds. I got sober that Dec as I could feel myself losing touch with the world and any meaning and so much existential questioning….tears poured from my eyes day and night for months. Still do often. Then 6 months after the accident and 3 months since getting sober, I had what I think was a mental breakdown. I collapsed due to some fairy mundane trigger and it unleashed years and years of pent up grief and rage and alllllll of it came spewing out.
This is such a devastating story. My heart goes out to Freddy. Thanks for sharing your story because now we can all learn from Anna’s response so thank you!
Also wanted to add that it sounds like you’ve been narcissistically abused your whole life and one of the hallmarks is exactly what you describe at the end of the letter. Narcissism is infectious, it’s a parasite. When you find yourself reacting in a way that isn’t “you” that’s because it’s not. It’s your narcisstic introject’s voice in your head. Sam Vaknin’s channel has an episode on exactly this - removing the parasite after narc abuse. I highly recommend. Best to us all.
♥️
Thank you, I'll watch it!
Coercive control to get acceptance (?)
@@kellei9h yeah. So that looks like getting mad at me when I’d be crying, telling me that our other small children also needed me (implying that by grieving I was taking my mothering away from the others and himself). I’d try and Google all of her symptoms because she still doesn’t have an official diagnosis and he’d flip out when I’d be on the computer trying to research her condition. It was clear that there was to be no further energy put into her (when he was around anyway). I never got to go through the stages of grief and was “pushed” in a manipulative way to just accept it.
This poor writer had the most horrible mother ever. Oh my god. Telling people on parties about her daughter's private parts?! Wtf . I am shocked .
Reminds me of an adrenaline rush in a crisis situation. When the adrenaline wears off, the all pervasive sh.tness begins.
So much love for this beautiful, poor woman and her son❤️❤️
I wish people would watch out for vulnerable teenagers. I wish we, as strangers and as a society, would try to protect teenagers from harm, because creeps and predators (like her first "boyfriend" and later her husband) are explicitly searching for vulnerable teenagers to exploit.
It's so painful to hear stories like hers and to know that nobody was there to protect her!
Oh my god. Oh my god. To think of it, just how fathomlessly strong the human psychic is. I really hope Freddy gets the happy and calm life she deserves.
8 years away from home, 3 years since I've spoken with my parents and siblings, it all finally caught up with me at age of 40...
Mine hit at 40 too. Four decades of abuse from family and ex husband. A divorce. Rock bottom. Trying to put life back together. Trying to navigate and learn skills that I never had while the rest of the world lacks any compassion or understanding about abuse, neglect, and trauma.
I wish you all the best as you work through these difficult feelings. Some of us are right there with you trying to figure this stuff out. Take care of yourself and remember to be compassionate to yourself.
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
The Untethered Soul by Micheal Singer
The Hoffman Process by John and Julie Gottman
Safe People by Henry Cloud
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
You're in the right place and we're all here to support you :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Mine hit at middle age as well when my mother started bullying me again (with age, I imagine) I yeeted her out of my life, but I’m still full of grief.
Freddie, be kind to yourself. I made similar decisions because I didn’t know I had the right to say no. Work on your healing, you will feel better a little bit at a time ❤❤❤
My heart goes out to this survivor ❤
You are so STRONG 💪 💗
The book you recommended by Pete Walker is excellent. It helped me.
It makes total sense because I've been around these types of predators. When you have mental strength, they will hang around profiting from your success, but when you are emotional or struggling, they see it as a weakness they become monsters and annoyed with you. They have no ability to take part in helping others who are struggling. These type of people infuriate me, because they end up dragging their kids into their chaos and the scars run deep and take a lifetime to heal. And they never change. She deserves to be abandoned and maybe then she will get help or have to figure it out the way her kids did, because she is a leech.
I so resignate with what this beautiful lady is talking about. Be proud of what you have accomplished 🎉.
Resonate
Thank you for bravely addressing such deeply resonant topics and thank you Freddy for your vulnerability. Your willingness to discuss these difficult experiences fosters understanding and compassion, offering hope to those who may be struggling in silence. Grateful for your courage and wisdom in navigating these important conversations.
Thank you for your kind words! -Calista@TeamFairy
CCF… I am in tears listening to the unbearable trauma Freddie survived and is in processing of, maybe it rubbed along my own wounds or maybe just compassion for another soul who has no clue why they are the way they are, knowing, innately that living in the emotional hole IS not normal nor should it be endured.
I also feel my tears are bc of you, your channel, and the way you can hold space for others and speak with a profound compassion for souls in need of warm wisdom and kind words.
CCF our world IS better because of you, your channel and how your words vibrate to the deepest part of peoples souls and pain.
Thank you
I love you.
I think this is the most heartbreaking letter I’ve heard so far. I’m so sorry for this person but REALLY glad she’s on a path to healing. Wishing you all the best Freddy.
My jaw dropped several times throughout this. No words. Cannot believe she lived through this. Wow.
I was crying so much during this story. I hope this woman's son can look at her with empathy and forgive her.
Freddie, I'm rooting for you! Keep going and keep healing. Just by being there where you are, you're a rock star!
Thanks for sharing these kind words :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Freddy, you are absolutely amazing. I hope your son and you are able to heal from this trauma. I wish you guys nothing but the best.
Thank you for sharing your kindness here!
Nika@TeamFairy
In all nationalities, everything is the same, violence, cruelty, a difficult childhood, all people have a lot of childhood injuries...A bunch of parents with disabilities, which country you don't take...We have the same thing in Russia, the same mental disorders, Ptsd...Thank you for your videos, Anna, it is very informative and useful...And I train English, very good fast speech..
I'm so glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
It wasn’t until my ex & I split up that I was terrified of him. I wasn’t really scared of him while we were together but when I had time to process all that he did to me & scared of what he was going to do after we split up, that’s when it all hit me. I couldn’t see him & the thought of him even picking up our daughter sent me into a tailspin since I was afraid he’d hurt her bc of our past. I was demonized for him not seeing her but now I don’t really care. I did the best I could for us at the time.
they are bastards
I understand this story more than I will get into. You're not the only one, Fredericka.
😮 Wow. I am so sorry! I am speechless but sending hugs, love and prayers. My childhood has some similarities but this goes beyond horrible. 😢 I am proud of you for getting out, college and a house! ❤ 100% agree with Anna here.
Beautiful balanced, considered response to 'Freddie', Anna. I gained so much food for thought for my personal experience and need to better understand my mother, being able to hold two truths at once and to be empathetic to self and others. Thank you. And 'Freddie' thank you for sharing and for still being here and continuing to strive for better.
Go Freddie go! We root for you and love you ❤❤❤❤
Finding the CCF community and the Daily Practice I've learned has been a lifeline for me.
Take good care.
Thank you for being a part of our community :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Thank you so much
I went no contact with my mum after 50 years. Only after that did the anger surface and the grief … oh man, the grief. Being no contact was the only way to escape the constant drip drip drip of topping up the complex trauma cup. I can actually see the depth of abuse now that I’m away from it and have had time to process my childhood. It’s a rough journey, but I’m actually glad I’m walking the path out of all that now
Your letter brought me to tears, Freddie. Sending you so much love. You've been through so much and you've come so far.
Much love to Freddie! Know that you are complete and enough on your own, and dont neeed the shadow of your mom or your ex husbamds to taint your life and your dreams. Sending healing thoughts❤️❤️❤️
I struggle with connections too....
Exactly, when there was finally safe, I broke down into pieces for couple of years
That is so devastating... I hope so much for this person to find somebody having wonderful intentions and super loving to cover her with healing feelings and attentions, really... Congratulations for all u accomplished from such a bad ground
You really nail so many of my issues. I'll never forget when my low grade simmering anger turned into intermittent rage fisordrr and I started lasjing out st the bus driver and grocery clerk. It was when the public announcement was made by my church, Jehovah's Witbesses, that I was disfellowshipped and considered an unrepentant wrongdoer and apostate. I raged for about 2 decades. It's still in me but I have a dialogue with my rage self now that pacifies it. But this episode shines light on yet another difficulty in my life.
This was one of the saddest letters I’ve heard. Freddy reminds me of my sister Sydney, who passed away in 2016 from a stroke. She was only 46 years old.
I have a curiosity about creating a funding program so people can become a member who have a limited income yet would benefit greatly from this community on a membership level. Four years ago I started saving money to become a member and finally joined 2 months ago. So far it’s the greatest thing ever! The free courses and calls were also very helpful, but it was nice to actually move in to this community
This was really helpful and I'm sorry for Freddie but I also understand the son even if it wasn't her fault as she was only a teenager.
Thank you Freddie for sharing your story. 🎉
You are in the right place, you are not alone. I personally would try and make a life without your mum, she has so much work to do and you would benefit from not getting sucked into her toxic ways. You've done so much work, keep going. Thank you anna too 🎉
Thanks for sharing :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Always about mother😢
I find some of my story aligning with Freddy’s. I am so amazed that she was able to buy a home!! Amazing, how we are able -some of us- to hold it together for so long. Astonishing to me, and another example of the strength of the human spirit ❤
I worked in a group home for adolescent girls, and learned first hand through their experience that once a person feels safe to open up, hold on! Because a deluge of emotions comes up. And we are capable of handling on bit and pieces at a time, and after a long time we can pull out and see the bigger picture and can begin to have compassion for everyone involved. But compassion for self comes first and foremost each day- we are suffering from symptoms of the trauma that have baked-in our bodies and brain.
Freddie, we love you so much
I was 34 when it all hit me. Starting with flash backs and emotional flashbacks. My poor husband didn't know why I was acting this way. And I felt happier (or so, I thought) BEFORE it all hit me, but like others have said, it was just a way of survival. My mind finally felt like it was safe to feel when I was married and away from my family of origin (my husband and I dont even call them that, we call them "those people") I feel like even though Im more emotional and yes a bit angry now, its better than the numb, doormat who went along with abuse. I just have to figure out how to make the most of life since I feel like it didn't start until "the awakening" and later going no contact . And unfortunately, I have no feelings of attachment to my mother, and I actually have been diagnosed with ptsd and even bpd which is not my fault. But if I don't manage my symptoms and become an enabler or an abuser myself, then my kids will absolutely have the right to be angry with me and the cycle will continue. Complex trauma is just that .
So true...really...
N you are brave...
Much love to Freddie her son and everyone who is reading this
Thanks for sharing! -Calista@TeamFairy
Omg I'm sending prayers to Freddy, wish her the best as she deserves it❤❤❤hugs from the distance brave woman.
Thanks for sharing these kind words :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I also pray her family gets help as well...
I cried for her. What a tragic childhood! Im so amazed and proud of Freddie for seeking self improvement. Hugs & showering of love to her on this journey. Freddie, if you're reading this, for me, I go to praying (besides Anna!) & you are top on my list for the next few weeks. You are lived & you CAN do this! Anna's right, too. Heal you first. Your son, I pray, will see the logic in due time. You take care of you with all our love & support.
Thank you for sharing these kind words :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I am speechless. I am really sorry that she had to go through that.
Thank you for your empathy towards the letter-writer.
Nika@TeamFairy
True. After a very toxic relationship....it was only when l left and felt safe..took time. I collapsed into eating and deep depression. I got help and only beginning my return to me.
Freddie … so so sorry that all that happened to you. That those who could have made you felt safe, didn’t. Your mother didn’t deserve such a beautiful child as you.
Thank you for sharing your kind words for the letter-writer. We need kindness in our community here!
Nika@TeamFairy
I was both hit 'on the butt' like the son and verbally abused. My parents said that on the but they could hit as hard as they pleased, it wouldn't break anything anyway. Boy, did they make use of that filosophy.. It was awful, but I find the verbal abuse even harder to overcome. That still screws with my mind, even now, at a point of realising I deserved love and respect. People can be so damaging when they wish to. Feeling that a parent really hates your guts is damaging in itself. And then the fact that it can be well hidden, so.. hello isolation.
I'm so sorry for what happened to you Freddy. And your son. But at least he has a mom who really wants to be a good mom. That's so much more than what you got.. it's something true. About the anger, I wish you all the selfcompassion you need to look at it. It's so logical.. I find NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. I understand it's very inconvenient, but it needs to be processed. Thank god you feel anger, I believe it's a good sign; you are able now to feel that you were severely violated! This is your selfprotecting instinct coming up. Wether your relationship survives this or not, I hope you prioritize yourself first and truly get through it, take care 🍀
This breaks my heart . It's amazing this person is even on the planet. Just so much respect for your survival. ❤
Thank you for your kind words for the letter-writer!
Nika@TeamFairy
Freddie - please know that NOTHING of what happened to you was your fault. Nothing. You were a vulnerable human being subjected to, from what it sounds like, a mentally-ill, psychotic mother and toxic narc husband. You are a SURVIVOR. You survived! You did it! The rage you are feeling is so normal. We here all understand. You are breaking the patterns by getting help. Keep going!
Tim Fletcher has also repeatedly impressed me with his multi part breakdown of CPTSD and what to do about it on You Tube. AND Jerry Wise is a lifesaver for self-differentiatiion and getting your messed-up family out of you. Lisa A Romano is a girl's best friend when trying to understand Codependency and our roles in our dysfunctional lives. But CCF, you are the best for dealing directly with the abnormality we feel, and what to do in the moment.
Freddie - you can do this.
My mother used to disappear for hours after dropping me off @ therapy or ballet.
No right to refuse.
Seconding on the Tim Fletcher series. Very thorough, eye opening , and amazing series on trauma, CPTSD, shame, and recovery. More people should be aware of its availability. 🙏🏼
Jerry Wise and Lisa Romano are excellent as well.
This is for you Freddy ❤❤❤❤ Pete Walker is a Brilliant start as well as Anna in the healing journey!!! X
I can relate to a lot of what the letter-writer talks about. I wish I could give her a hug. ❤
Thank you for the helpful videos and being a voice of reason.
I appreciate you❤
How resilient this letter writer is, and after the experience she has had, showing a strength and desire to learn, understand, heal and be supportive of a son in his healing and more.
Great content.
No matter the formal “topic”, generally, I always hear something either of relevance or direct use/ application.
Thank you, Anna.
Goodness, such respect for the letter-writer for all she has done. It must be heartbreaking re her son but I know even if she does all the work now, he still has to grieve how his childhood actually was, even given that his Mum clearly did more than the best that one could imagine. I have not had a fraction of this but Sacred rage, I call the eruptions now I have gotten to a safer space. I am going through this now. I sometimes don't know what to do with all the feels and worry that I will do damage. I am on a waiting list for counselling but in the interim, I am noting - though it can be a bit messy - it is actually producing better outcomes. Sometimes what I am experiencing as horrendous breaches of not always being pleasant - appears to be very real sending of those who are abusive but expect me to be pleasant about it.. on their way. I wish nothing but good for the writer on her onward journey. ❤
Such terrible adverse child experiences I'm so sorry you went trough so much. I hope you get the support you deserve❤
Thanks for sharing these kind words :) -Calista@TeamFairy
This is so important to me - thank you! ❣
This story is a little triggering for me with several similarities to my story, yet also quite different. My son said something to me very similar a couple of years ago when he was about 25. I've been through 3 marriages as well. The details are different though. Just know "Freddie" that you son's feelings are valid considering what he went through. You can apologize for how you handled situations in the past, but your son is responsible for his own healing as an adult. I had to release that to God for myself. We still have a relationship, my son and myself, now, but it will probably never be the ideal one. But it seems he mostly had to be honest with what he felt at that moment. I felt he had to see how I would react to his honesty to decide for himself whether there was value in continuing a relationship with me.
Anna your work is life changing, thank you! ❤
We're so glad to hear that! Thank you for sharing!
Nika@TeamFairy
I didnt know I had the right to say no. This hit me hard. It's how I was raised. I couldn't say no to all the adults who took advantage of me. I couldn't say no for years as an adult. At 59, I finally can say no......but, not to everyone. I feel like I can relate to this woman.
Brilliant video. Freddie's story made me emotional and reminded me about my ex husband. Thank you for mentioning 12 steps programs. It helped me tremendously. I finally started recovery from abuse and neglect in my 40's. Better later than never. I can't afford any private therapy so I used your amazing videos, your quiz, books, other materials and this all led me to the programs I 100% belong in. I'm healing and I did amends to my adult son who suffered along me and we have great connection now but he qualifies towards 12 steps program himself due to trauma and I pray that he will find his way there sooner than later🙏
This is why my narcissist parents thought they raised a healthy person. Sometimes the wounds take a long time to surface. And narcissists don't investigate too deeply anything that would cast blame on themselves. It takes a 2x4 to the head for them to realize anything.
This. I'm going through this with my parents right now. My folks thought because I was so high functioning that I was fine. And, well, I thought because I was high functioning that I was too.
lol nope. All my wounds hit at age 40 when I went through a divorce and my life crumbled to tiny bits.
Neither parent will take accountability for what they did. I've used so many 2x4s, and nothing works. Their trauma will always be worse than mine -- yet they are in such deep denial that they even have trauma they'll never bother to admit it or try to help themselves finally break free of it. It's the weirdest thing to be told that their problems are worse than mine, but then in the same breath they don't have problems and they're fine.
No wonder we're so messed up.
Internet hugs to you. I wish you much goodness on your healing journey.
@@spacegirl226 The good news is you don't need them to wake up to heal yourself. We grew up fighting them so it's a hard habit to break. But I found when I got better, that I was actually finally able to help my parents change a bit with gentle loving guidance instead of fighting. Hey mom, if you don't badmouth people not in the room, everyone will feel like they can trust you more, etc. Good luck my friend.
lol all the 2x4’s in the world don’t give any insight to a true narcissist. Their problems will always be worse and you’ll always be the terrible person, not them.
I've listened to alot of these letters, all are so sad but this is the first one that's had me in tears. I'm so so sorry that you went through so much pain and abuse. That was never your fault, you where so young and vulnerable and had no one to care for you, show you the right way to be loved. You did amazingly well for yourself and you should be so proud of the progress you have made. I hope you manage to heal some of those wounds that are causing you to lash out, from what I've heard you are a determined and strong woman so you can do it ❤❤❤
Your encouragement for the letter-writer is so valuable. Thank you for your comment.
Nika@TeamFairy
Thanks Anna for this channel.its so helpful..and thanku for your team that puts this work together ..❤.
You are welcome 😊 Thank you for being a part of our community here!
Nika@TeamFairy
Thank you for making these wonderful videos. You are bettering the world.
Thank you for these words towards Anna. By sharing your kindness, you too are bettering the world!
Nika@TeamFairy
Anna, I'm so much looking forward to getting your book when it comes out in October!❤❤❤
Yay! Thank you!
I have been here from the time you had 40K subs! Look at you, close to a million and with a new book!! Kudos!
Wow! Thank you so much for being a part of the CCF community! We made it together!
Nika@TeamFairy
Very good video!!
Freddie I will keep you in my prayers!!! You can heal! 🫶
Thanks for sharing these kind words :) -Calista@TeamFairy
What called my attention the most was her mother strong wish for her to get married, I have experienced the same in my life and now I understand why it bothered me so much: because that was her way of stopping to have responsibility for me.
That word "you raised yourself"
Yay, a whole book from Fairy! 🎉 Can't wait! ❤
Yes! The book will be released on October 1.
Nika@TeamFairy
At some point I was wondering if my mom had wrote this, such a similar story and absolutely debilitating how this is like a real life example of the free will vs. Determinism dilemma
you are an angel
Good Topic Thanks
Thanks for watching and taking the time to comment! -Calista@TeamFairy
Cannot wait for your book Anna❤
Thank you 😢
Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I am so sorry Freddie! This is so sad!!! Xxx
wow ❤ I knew she could did what she wanted super brave lady. 👏
I am currently being affected by DV and stalking (to an extreme, nearly laughable level what they can get away with). It has stolen an extremely valuable year of my life (to an extreme nearly laughable level). I could tell you all the ways I am qualified to talk about my trauma, but no one really takes me serious (to an extreme, laughable extent).
Hearing myself resonate in these survivor stories helps me in unspeakable ways (to a laughable extreme level).
To the OP, I fully agree with Anna. Fully. And I appreciate you sharing your story. It helped me (in extremely laughable ways).
It does get better, OP. In extremely laughable ways, through extremely laughable amounts of hard work AND joy.
I’m a little concerned that you turn every scary intense sentence into a joke with (). Take yourself & your experience seriously, because this is not a joke.
Nothing is extremely laughable at your post. Hopefully you can take yourself and your story seriously.
@@prettywoman853 I get that. That's why I said *extremely* laughable and repeated it many times. It was to point out how far reaching it is this particular time in my life. My situation IS laughable only when viewed from a certain side, which is one of my super powers.
Which, respectably, is to keep some kind of waying be good natured about the fact that people have let me deep in every fundamental way possible, repeatedly, throughout my history. I think miracles and bonechilling levels of determination were all that kept me living. But also laughing. I spent 6 hours in a dysregulated rant, at its end, I can find people's cruelty 'laugable' because it's so much pain, to describe really how it feels ends up more like these paragraphs.
Sometimes pointing out the absurdity of people's total lack of care (and I don't mean this to you, but your comment gave that to me as, resepctably) and it's also laughable, given that I also expect all survvivor spaces to even misunderstand me. But I engage with them, because they are one of the few good spaces not touched by DV.
You don't know how much thought, tears, and genuine progress and attempts went into making my current moments laughable in my head.
@@DiscordBeingI suppose? Laughing at one's journey and traumatic life events could be a perspective that I haven't ever thought about. Laugh, or cry, some choose to laugh. It does give some thinking about.
May you heal well 🙏...and your tears turn into real happiness...n joy...
You are strong to look at problems with a laughable perspective...
Truly...heal well...and get healthy ....and happy...