Here's Why Excessively Focusing on Others Keeps You Alone
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- Опубліковано 28 бер 2024
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The irony about a codependent person is that, while they’re focusing excessively on someone else, they’re actually absorbed in themselves. And one sign that someone is codependent toward you CAN BE that you feel VERY irritated and invaded by a loved one’s excessive focus on you. They hover, they get in your business; it feels impossible to have boundaries around them. They say it’s just because they love you but Something feels OFF. Sometimes codependency is an urge to fix you - but sometimes it’s not about you at all. It’s about THEM. And that’s the dirty secret of codependency - it can actually be one face of self-centeredness. In this video I respond to a letter from a woman who is learning this the hard way.
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Gorgeous as always, it helps me a lot!!!! Thank you so much Anna❤
I like the Anne Lamott quote: "Help can be the sunny side of control."
Great advice to keep the visits shorter 😁. I stopped spending weekends at my mom's and only spend an afternoon now. She doesn't like the change but i love it. She's also MUCH nicer to me now and I'm way less stressed out by her. 🎉
I was in a similar boat. Working with my therapist turned my life upside-down. I thought I just hadn't figured out how socializing worked or how to keep up with people, and why my anxiety and low self-esteem was so persistent, but she pointed out I had been dealing with childhood emotional neglect. My mother hovers similarly, and learning how to communicate in a healthy way, grow an identity that's my own, and gently enforce boundaries has been hard but rewarding work over the last few years.
The woman in this letter has a hopeful future ahead of her, and I applaud her for seeking help in her journey. It will take time to mourn that you will never have the perfect familiar relationship that you long for, but you CAN still have a balanced relationship with the parents that you love if you keep appropriate boundaries and are aware of the limits of their capability. And always always always, when words are spoken, consider the source. Keep your good friends and healthy relationships close and well-attended and you will go far!
Thank you for your lovely, balanced message. Please may I ask what you mean by, ‘when words are spoken, consider the source’.
@yuk498 - When words are spoken, consider the source OR the person from whence the words are coming from
Thank you for sharing your experience with us, and for your encouragement for the letter-writer. It is so valuable!
Nika@TeamFairy
@@yuk498yes, exactly. Consider who is speaking then, what they know, and their ability or capacity for emotion. If they say something hurtful, it's usually more about their pain than anything you did. You are strong, lovable, and valuable. ❤️
I feel like mom and dad coming to visit you might change a dynamic, too. Or, meet half way- go to lunch or a museum - and then each go their own way. 💕
I feel also like dad may have trained mom to jump through hoops, and mom trained dad to ignore. This dynamic feels very disabling regardless of your accomplishments.
But more so, I feel love for you, dear letter writer, and praise you for writing this letter that Anna’s read today. Praying for you, the best.
Omg my dad was like that…everytime I was in the kitchen….what are you looking for?? It was annoying and made me feel like a kid
My dad too. I would only cook if he wasn’t home. He’d pick at everything I did.
Mine too.
My dad did this too, with the kitchen!! I'm shocked how many other people had this problem, I hated it so much and it got to the point where before I moved out I just stopped going in the kitchen at all if I knew he was home because it was so obnoxious. I still get triggered remembering hearing him thundering up/down the stairs to race to the kitchen whenever he realized I was in there... ughhh
The 'hovering' is very triggering. When unrelated people do it to me I immediately go into fight mode without even thinking. Like hey, back off.
Unfortunately/fortunately my mom watches this channel too, but wow I relate to these comments. Thats all I’ll say.
Highly sensitives are the ones with heightened intuition.
Traumatised people are the ones whose intuition has been hijacked, meaning in order to heal they must counter their intuition (after coming back to their bodies).
Re-embodying is a protracted, graduated, messy process.
But what if one is both?
I’m intrigued, could you share more on what you mean?
I'm 67, and until a decade ago I didn't pay much attention to the concept of gaslighting. It's rather odd given my habitual curiosity that I never went down that rabbit hole. Now that I'm better informed, I know my mother could teach a master class, something I just noticed 2 years ago. So could several former friends or romantic partners. I didn't even give myself permission to know how toxic was the relationship with Mom until my darling daughter said, "Your mother is a narcissist." That's a lifetime of hijacked intuition, of trusting the person who's gaslighting me by mistrusting my own feelings and thoughts. Hijacked intuition makes us se a red flag and mistake it for an apple.
Signs of enmeshment by the looks of it (mother/ daughter). And the letter writer seems to be carrying all of her mother's anxiety. This actually sounds horrible to be around. It's awful growing up around someone else's fear and absorbing it.
Emotional incest. Parents often have their own unprocessed trauma and issues. Also attachment style. Adults choose their relationships
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
The Hoffman Process by John and Julie Gottman
The Untethered Soul by Micheal Singer
The Body Keeps The Score Brain Mind And Body In The Healing Of Trauma---Bessell Van Der Volk
The Four Agreements by Don Miguel
Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood
Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix IMAGO
Wired For Love by Dr Stan Tatkin
You focus on others to properly position yourself. Once that’s all said and done. You can move freely within your lane. But if you keep having to change friends or family because they’re a bunch of vagabonds, you’ll find yourself in a repetitive cycle of being critical. It’s a luxury to have stable people and stable friends and family
It sometimes feels sad to make a decision to move out to feel safe. Our parents have done so much for us yet sometimes they are the reason for giving this kind of traumas of codependency. I’m 27, and from the time of COVID I was working from home which made me realise that I have no life (poor social circle, 1 or no friends to talk to, etc.). Also, I’m from India and it’s a very normal thing to live with parents (probably we are conditioned that ways)
But I now live outside from 3-4 months and I’ve known that it’s so much hard for me to build new relationships, when I have to go to the grocery store alone it feels like the toughest task. As when I was living at home with my parents..my dad is the one who goes out for groceries sometimes mom also
They showed me that they’re being protective towards me but in reality I was being dependent upon them for everything.. there were many scenarios like these but it all left me depressed, anxious, and left out.
Lastly, moving out was only the solution I had..I still visit them for a week so I don’t make them feel alone but slowly going to reduce the visits for my own well being 😊
Thank you for sharing your experience with us. Connection Bootcamp -- a course Anna developed -- provides a structured way to start working on friendships and social life. bit.ly/CCF_Connection Give it a try, if you're interested!
Nika@TeamFairy
Thank you so much Anna! This comes at the right time, although I am already on the right track: protecting my mental sanity and placing boundaries with a self centered mum that has dictated my life through her own mistakes (I've been her husband, daughter, mother, saviour). Not any more.
My parents are similar, though seperated for 30 years now. With my mother I feel like I'm killing her if I set boundaries.
This is exactly my parents. They divorced 20 years ago, and everywhere I go my mother is still following after me because I'm the only one who will look after her. But the anxiety is always about her, and it's taken a toll on my personal life for years. Lately, I'm torn between passing her off to my sister, who treats her like a maid, and keeping her around where she is at least somewhat independent, but hovers something chronic.
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Codependent No More by Melanie Beattie
Safe People by Henry Cloud
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood
The Hoffman Process by John and Julie Gottman
The Untethered Soul by Micheal Singer
The Body Keeps The Score Brain Mind And Body In The Healing Of Trauma---Bessell Van Der Volk
Adults choose their relationships
This letter is SO spot on for so many people. I am impressed with how well "Karin" described everyone's interactions.
This describes my mothers relationship with me too a T!
At Christmas this year I have anxiety all of November, December(including uncontrollable shaking), January and half of February.
My father is an alcoholic and my mother is extremely codependent.
I can relate the the author
Thank you for watching and for sharing your experience with us. I encourage you to try Daily Practice. It is a good tool to help with getting regulated. You can try it in the free course: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Nika@TeamFairy
I have learned so much from you Crappy Childhood Fairy.. you have such wisdom about common but serious problems that hold us back from living better lives. This one really spoke to me as a mother, and I hope it will help me not pass on the scars of my own childhood emotional neglect to my children. Back to the DP! Thank you so much♥
I identify with this video so much! Thank-you Karyn and Anna! I'm getting better at saying "I don't want to do that anymore bc I don't enjoy being around so and so". I ramble until my parents get it. This video is awesome! 😎
Thank you for watching the video! Glad it was helpful.
Nika@TeamFairy
So strongly relate to the writer! I’m also an only, 46 yo who’s been unravelling these dynamics for the last 10 years while feeling guilty I’m not close to these “nice” people. Totally describes my mother (with the low self esteem of the father also) and both she and my father so unreflective, discussion isn’t an option. I grew up neglected and unseen absorbing my mother’s anxiety and idolisation and my father uninvolved. Codependent framework (for my mother) makes a lot of sense.
You are in the right place.
Nika@TeamFairy
Just a thought. I wonder if the mom trying to anticipate what ingredient, spice or whatever is more about someone (even her child) is going thru her(moms) stuff. Mom may have anxiety about her personal items (secrets) etc. My ex mother in law was like that. Very controlling.
So when visiting either have her mom put everything on counter first that is on your list. Or get take out or go out to eat.
I have no idea why some people feel like being in their kitchen is same as going thru their underware drawer, but it’s a thing indeed!
I feel for this daughter as she is right about when her parents get older and need her more.
Sending best wishes for this woman.
When you say the purpose is protecting your sanity that makes so much sense. I’ve often tried to call my mum on things she’s done to me and it’s only made the gaslighting worse. I think I’m going to write you a letter
Thank you for watching! If you'd like to share your story and ask Anna a question, feel free to write an "Ask the Fairy" letter. You can do it from here: bit.ly/CCF_Letters
Nika@TeamFairy
I want to be her, when I grow up. 😊 Healing codepency myself. Trying to figure out and improve relationships with my adult sons. I don't want to be fly mom, and to have and respect boundaries. Doing hard work for 5 years or so. Love and light ❤
She sounds a lot like me in 10 years - similar parents with their attachment styles, me finding my sense of self, compatible friends and dating. I'm in my early 30s.
Similar story as mine. I can relate to what she's been through. For me now, communication is the key. I share how I feel right away. However this did not come easy when I first started doing that but with time we got cooperative of each other.
Hi your adorable.
15:00 The word for the father is "narcissist".
I just so loved the discussions on Karyn's letter. As an Indian born as 7th of 8 siblings, having lost my dad when i was 17, and my kid brother when he was only 9, and losing my mother when i was 33, we all sinlings, i think crave for love and are quite dysregulated when family experiences are being discussed during get togethers ...thank you Anna for being such a wonderful abd caring soul, helping us heal in our own small ways. deepest gratitude to you and all the good work you do!
I meant, when my dad died, my kid brother was 9 years old, he lives in the US and is most affected by the trauma of losing father at that tender age!
Thank you for sharing your experience with us. We're all rooting for you!
Nika@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I am so honoured to get a response from your team Anna. This makes me feel so gratified that my stories will be heard with respected love. Warm hugs to all in your team! I am now 63, but still love the love I feel!
One of the things that makes me super angry, is the fact that I have to , (after so many years of not knowing what really happened, ) work on all these trauma that I did not cause myself but I still have to do all this extra work just to enjoy my real self and not inflict all the pain I've thru on oyhers....how is that fair?
It’s not fair but you get to feel the sense of strength of overcoming.
It's not fair at all. It's messed up. But if we don't heal ourselves, no one else will.
It's not.
I can relate with the mother being codependent my mother is very dependent on others. She only talks about herself, she's absolutely perfect in her mind.
Sounds like my mom. Always talking about herself, and she never says or does anything wrong. I think the word Anna was avoiding is Narcissist.
I have a really good friend that is like that. She doesn't listens to me and I don't know how to help. I think about sending this vídeos, but she gets offended and upset with me. I'm starting to get distant, but I honestly worry a lot.
Doesn't sound like any kind of friend at all
Are you the hovering friend? Confused by "I don't know how to help" and "worry a lot". Or is the friend hovering over you, like the mother in the story.
Thank you for this! I am struggling with something and this really helps! ❤🙏
Thank you Anna for the daily practice. I just started it and feel it is working...
I can't wait to settle somewhere and get started!!
I’m not ready 😅
Sending love and healing to you my lovely create healthy boundaries for you xx
Wow this really resonates
You're in the right place!
Nika@TeamFairy
Thanks for this. It helped me understand what codependency is. I was thinking I was codependent with my ex-wife. I now understand I really just settled/crapfitted and was hoping she would grow up. It's very different. Good advice as always. Love your regulating voice.
Glad to hear Anna's video was helpful for you! Stay with us, more to come!
Nika@TeamFairy
Thanks for the codependency insight and advice.
Thanks for watching and taking the time to comment! -Calista@TeamFairy
It's nt about me. It's abut them.
It's normal to need people. If it wasn't, we would be snakes or reptiles. But we aren't so act accordingly.
Also, even if you think you are self-sufficient, unless you can make everything you use or consume, you need other people which means you have to have relationships. I know exactly one cobbler, thus I can safely assume most people don't know how to make shoes. You need shoes!! Get over yourself!!!
"You need shoes", is a good metaphor..
are there videos where you just talk about cptsd and give general advice or is it all just specific advice because all these specific advice stories from these people is not helping me it's too specific
14:05-14:40 😒
My federal and state required K-12 education explained, in a nutshell. Now that’s all cleared up.
You mean your indoctrination?
10:46 no one in your family has CPTSD because you are all supportive you say?
Me? My family today -- husband and kids.
Please remember CPTSD needs to be diagnosed by a psychologist or psychiatrist. It has very specific strict criteria. My psychiatrist said he only diagnoses CPTSD in a percentage of people and there’s a lot of misinformation on social media about it. It is usually only diagnosed when there are very extreme (a legitimate threat to life or safety) factors. Trauma comes in all forms but it does not always result in a disorder and growing up in a dysfunctional family is far more common than legitimate CPTSD.
CPTSD is NOT yet a viable diagnosis. It is seen as more a framework wjth overwhelming research evidence. We hope they will add it to the DSM. However, as of now, it's not a diagnosable disorder
There are no consistent diagnostic criteria, and no consistent view on treatment. Many of us have gotten to work on our symptoms, whether the experts approve or not.
@@xanthiesramblings2545that is true though there are many psychiatrists wanting it included in the DSM, and will diagnose according to WHO definition. But any diagnosis must first meet the prerequisite of a PTSD diagnosis before a CPTSD diagnosis will be considered.
@catspyjamas7944 yes. And I am one of those. The ICD 11 does add additional crtieria for CPTSD. With the overwhelming research base, we hope that it will be considered future DSM revisions. However, the recognized diagnosis remains PTSD. With CPTSD, they may have to rebook other diagnoses too such as Borderline PD (iMo).
@@xanthiesramblings2545I was just about to add that it’s a part of ICD-11 and there’s a massive debate going on - at least on renaming borderline PD. Maybe not completely replacing the diagnoses.
Yes I definitely get irritated especially the hoovering when I already know they haven't done the work on themselves, especially when my heart still loves that person and, miss the good times I recall 🥲🥹😏❤️
Thank you for the video keep up the good work 🌹😏
There are good times missed….my npd sister is abusive…..but I have to admit she’s hilarious
@@godzillamanstreb524 same thing I have to acknowledge about my distant family, I hope you're finding your way with happiness in your life now 🥹😏
Thanks for watching!!
Nika@TeamFairy