This Trauma Symptom Hurts Others The Most (4-Video Compilation)
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- Опубліковано 20 кві 2024
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Abuse and neglect in childhood can leave its mark on your ability to regulate your emotions. They come out too strong, causing you to lash out, burst into tears, panic or fall madly in love at an intensity that doesn't fit the circumstances. This is often the result of changes in children's developing brains. In this 4-video compilation, I share four of my most popular videos on emotional dysregulation, and teach tips for how to recognize dysregulated responses before you damage relationships, with practical tips for how to contain intense feelings until you can express them in a healthy way.
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The fact that she is aware of the issue is HUGE!! It took me 50 years
I became dysregulated yesterday and took time to regulate so I wouldn’t lash out at my hubby for changing plans. I feel blessed he understood as I stayed quiet with tears streaming down my face while in the car. Poor guy, he even tried to hold my hand. 😢❤
The letter from Penny sounds very familiar...thing is, I did succeed pushing someone I didn't want to lose away, and they themselves afterward turned into what could be described here as a malignant narcissist ! I don't regret so much to being avoidant now as I feel I dodged a bullet!
I had a very similar situation growing up. It has caused me to have unhealthy, abusive, failed relationships. It's never too late to change 😢❤
Glad you're here now :) -Calista@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thank you 🥰
Journaling when I'm dysregulated sometimes helps!
Laurie • Bless you. I'm 72 years of age • 42 years saved and sober • two times the national averages of all the A.A. groups of America/Canada combined for 30 years simultaneously. I've been writing on these subjects for decades. Take care.
Wow Wish I had a Time machine; we have 4 ESTRANGED Adult Children.❤
1:00:55 this part brings all the video together: the letter at the beginning, the case of the friends going to Mexico: play the pause button, give some space and time and then come back, also being aware that the other person is not necessarily responsible for your triggers, and can’t be in charge of cleaning all the situation. Even the therapist (as you said at the end), triggers you, but it’s not her what hurts you but the evoked emotion/ situation.
I heard all the video while doing my laundry and washed inside and outside 🤩
How do you maintain a sister relationship when you respond to triggers so differently?
My sister and I grew up in a raging, abusive, neglectful, alcoholic family.
Dad was a rage-a-holic (especially when he was drinking) and mom is a "the sky is falling," chicken little, freak out over everything, codependent, emotionally disconnected
enabler.
My sister and I, even though we grew up in the same family, had two different sets of parents. Of course, they were the same parents... but, they treated us completely differently.
She received everything and I received nothing.
My Golden Child older sister's default emotion when she's "triggered" is Fight... RAGE...
While my (the Scapegoat) default, dysregulated setting when I'm triggered is Flight and Freeze.
She is always looking for a fight or to control me. I, after years of being hit, avoid fights, at all costs.
How do you maintain a relationship with someone who continually "triggers" your deepest trauma?
I can relate as if I wrote your comment. Added to that the parents respect and follow the golden girl’s advice (bad advice) and minimize my comments.
I have the same experience with my older sister. She is traumatized like I am and with similar triggers but she doesn’t want to learn anything about healing this. We are in our 60’s and she still treats me as the scapegoat for all her misery.
I don’t know if my story is helpful for your situation or not. I hope it is.
My younger sis and I have individually worked on our issues with therapists. And we recognize we can trigger each other without meaning to do so. We each have a code word and when we say our safe code word, the conversation stops dead in its tracks because we respect each other. No questions asked. My code word is X Files. It has really helped us.
Thank you for sharing your experience with us. If you'd like to ask Anna a question, feel free to write an "Ask the Fairy" letter. You can do it from here: bit.ly/CCF_Letters
Nika@TeamFairy
Dear Anna,
Thank you so so much for what you do. You have given me the missing pieces of my puzzle. I have started following your daily practice method. You have given me concrete ways to heal, after years of me wondering why I am being so scared and why I hold so much shame. You have given me hope and I feel seen and understood by your videos. Thank you for putting out so much free yet immensely valuable resources that people like me can use and I truly appreciate the clarity in your words. ❤️❤️❤️
❤ Miss Fairy; you know all too well, the life I live.❤
Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
SO important what you do here! I'm going to a (C)PTSD healing center mid may. Looking forward to finally REALLy start healing. I'm done handling everything on my own. Thank you ❣
Good luck on your healing journey!
Nika@TeamFairy
I actually went through this with my best friend. We had had plans to go to Costa Rica.... it was all paid for and planned and everything.
Covid happened and we went back and forth in postponing it but were leaning towards going once things settled down.
So... she meets the new boyfriend and he offers to take her somewhere else.... I can't remember where now.... England maybe? So she decides we are going to cancel our already planned trip because she can't swing two trips.
I was super upset but held it in. I did all of the work to cancel our trip and getting our money back. I wasn't about to lose thousands of dollars and be blown off for the new boyfriend. I got all but a few hundred bucks back. She had an attitude about everything and I just went off on her. This wasn't the first time she blew me off for a new flame but this time it was on a larger scale.
I went off on her and told her how i felt. I know now it was coming from a place of trauma. We reconciled about 6 months later and we're able to move past it.
I have just learned she is not the friend I should plan on making big plans or trips with.
I don't get rage, i get panic attacks. But the pain grief is devastating and i thought my ex was everything he was a narcissist and i had no knowledge prior. I feel like i am too afraid to choose another abusive person.
You are in the right place. Hope that Anna's content will provide you with the information you need on how to help yourself and how to choose the right partner. I highly recommend Daily Practice. It is a technique that can help with calming triggers by processing fears and resentments. The free course is here: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
If you are interested, you may also like Dating & Relationships for People with Childhood PTSD course: bit.ly/3IBbrv7
Nika@TeamFairy
Thank you Anna, for being so specific in your suggestions on how to regulate! I needed this 🥰 So I downloaded your worksheet also 👍🏼😉
I think I know someone with complex post-traumatic stress disorder.
There are ways you can maintain some peace with them. I don't know everyone with this disorder. I truly believe I know someone who has it. Let me share some things where I can maintain some peace with that individual.
Stay silent when:
1. They become argumentative.
2. They choose to not accept the words you are saying.
3. You begin hearing anger in their voice and accusations that are illogical.
You don't have to answer every question they ask you. Especially when you know certain answers will trigger them. A while after, when they accuse you falsely, they may correct what they told you. Which I find very interesting when it happens a lot. Arguing and combating their mood swings, or whatever it is, can be very draining. This is one of the reasons why being silent can be a great help. Don't be afraid to give them space too.
Sometimes you'll be able to express yourself in some ways. When they are dysregulated, that is probably not the best time to express yourself. Later on, they may open an opportunity for you to speak about it. At the least, wait until they are in a very good mood, then bring up the subject again if you can. Choose your words wisely. When they are dysregulated, it isn't wise to go toe to toe with them. What will you really accomplish? Even if you are correct, at what costs are you willing to pay for it? Is it worth increased chaos? I don't think so.
I don't know if my experience is different than others.
Thank you for sharing! This thread could be a good field to open a discussion for both sides: people with PTSD and their partners. Thank you for taking the time to comment!
Nika@TeamFairy
I have become a master of black and white thinking... Sad😢...
I simply can't express how incredibly precious your videos are for me! Thank you from the bottom of my heart ❤
This was powerful and I needed this info. Thank you and God bless you :)
I used to be prickly, very envious and really disrespected a few people who really were only being kind and sane, trying their best really. Its the one thing I regret most, im just glad i tried to make amends, was mostly successful even though a few chose to keep their distance(i understand) but we are cordial. Stuffing feelings down can always be sensed, our nerves really are connected-regulation is the start and it will help you love yourself, see others and situations clearly, therefore work better and be more fulfilled. ❤
21:00 old feeling of being ignored.
47:00 child like expectations.
Thank you, Anna!!! I needed this RIGHT NOW. 🥺
Sending you encouragement! -Calista@TeamFairy
Turn the dial to number 11... this made my day. Thank you, Anna! 😂
I wish I could get the knob mentality to work for me, crying too much ruins my days
Right on time. I treated this very sweet boy like shyt cause of something going unplanned. I wanted to go to the theater by myself, and he invited himself cause he wanted to spend time with me, but he came get me late cause he was washing his hair, then couldn't find a place to park his car, so we got in late and spent the first period waiting in front of the monitor in the lobby of the theatre. I was so sad, resentful and disappointed, and I couldn't talk and wanted space. But he apologised and insisted that I express my frustration, and I ended up telling him "Im breaking up with you and you should go home". So he looked at me silently and very sad, while I walked away, upstairs to the theatre. So dramatic. 😅Then I finished watching the play by myself, tears randomly streaming down my face, then crying in the uber home. I felt angry and disgusted at him, but also pity and guilt. And couldn't even ask my friend to give me advices about my overreaction because they just say "Oh he's mediocre and Im a misandrist" . He was not mediocre,
You are so helpful.
So glad to hear that!
Nika@TeamFairy
In the first video, I like the analogy of the airplane.
I didn’t know what I was doing, but apparently I was envisioning something similar, but using like a steam train… I have to stop shoveling coal into the burning engines when I’m angry, and the fire came up… there’s always going to be some cold there until I can figure out how to get off the train- if that’s possible- so in order to not let the train get out of control, I have to learn how to stop shoveling coal into the fires of anger and over emotional feelings
Thank you for watching! One good tool to help with getting regulated is the Daily Practice. You can try it in the free course: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Nika@TeamFairy
Remapping the original attachment trauma is key to processing meta cognition processing. Dr Daniel Browns work is essential for trauma. I also believe using Chinese medicine and energetic practices to release specific emotions will help. Heal the body while remapping your nervous system response. Blessings to all on their healing journey.
I'm trying to schedule the therapeutic routine you've spired me, fae
I like the explanation about emotional reaction. And the help on managing this. So it doesn't get out of control and trigger into regrets. Thanks
Thank you 🙏
Thanks for watching and taking the time to comment! -Calista@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Me taking the time to comment? Whoa thanks for commenting on me commenting! I’m sure you’re way busier than I am. That’s dedication. Just wanted to 🙏 show as much appreciation as possible. Can’t afford an actual therapist myself.(welfare) Like my mom said right before she died “Everybody’s going through something “. ❄️
I have a question. If something has just happened, wouldn’t anyone be emotionally dysregulated? Doesn’t it take time to process an occurrence before you can be emotionally regulated?
I am cooling down after a toxic relationship. He was so smooth and experienced. I avoided relationships for years. I thought he was ok because he was my sister's life long friend. I learned a new term "hypersexual". I thought he was great and it turned out he was having computer sex and has been in a live in relationship. I feel like a fool.
Ouch/ but god how great you can see it now/ so you know the signs and how You Feel / for many of us this can be a repeating pattern / you know you deserve to feel good deep down next time and take no less ❤ well done you will feel lighter soon because your whole life will open up now you aren't under that shadow
Co-habitation is the hardest part of relationship-IMHO.
I had a bad day yesterday and wound up in the ER due to my dysregulation.. Seems like in my recovery I take one step forward,then 2 steps back... Sad😢...
What woman in the world could deal with my intense dysregulaion and trauma related rage and anger??
We're all sending you our support :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Not only were they late but they didn’t answer the phone which sets off for me a cheating vibe so it’s not my fault if I lose it you need to answer the phone or text
That's something that really sets me off, too! If you can't make a call right then, at least send a quick text to let me know what's going on. It's just common courtesy!
❤
No kidding. The caption.
I'm not sure that his taking off frequently with his friends is actually all that okay when he's leaving the person he's living with behind. I get the whole "disregulated" thing, but maybe his frequent trips with friends are really dismissive and neglectful. He's living with someone and acting single. Not sure how to work that through calmly while avoiding disregulation.
That’s a really tough spot to be in. What I hear happening at the core of this is you’re experiencing the feeling of neglect. That can be a good starting point to explore the bigger picture of the situation. In the Fairy’s wording, sometimes we end up in a crap-fit style relationship where there are a lot of things that don’t work and we’re left with a lot of little triggers all the time. We might numb out to these little triggers and not realize how much they bother us. It can be like death by a thousand cuts. Then when something a bit bigger happens, it can feel like that person is almost throwing it back in our face. Inside we have this idea “I tolerate so much and THIS is how you repay that? I can’t even get ____ out of you in return?” What we want in return could be consideration, time, affection, etc. We look at the relationship and overly sacrifice with the expectation of getting something in return and label it as “give and take” or compromise. We assume that having the other person meet our needs is automatically a burden on them so we accept being burdened by them in return as being a “normal” sense of balance in the relationship. We equate harmony with our individual tolerance for an “acceptable” level of suffering. Then when our partner doesn’t hold up their end of this (often) unspoken bargain, it can push us over the edge. It’s not always the case but I often find folks with CPTSD seek help over the biggest/most painful friction points while believing they are supposed to bear everything else with a smile. They might have a partner with a pattern of inconsiderate or rude behavior but they only seek help with the times it pushes their emotional regulation beyond their ability to numb out. It’s not about truly stopping the pattern of behavior, it’s about wanting their partner to be “fair” and accept their share of displeasure so there can be some reciprocity. Or at least not what they might feel is a blatant show of disregard. When we get our eyes off the situation that bothers us most and look at everything else from a new perspective, we might uncover that there’s more going on than just the one thing. If you notice a pattern, try checking in with yourself to find out what feels “unfair.” There’s likely an inner voice in you that wants some sense of fairness but you feel like your partner isn’t doing their part. If you get an idea of what fairness looks like to you, you can get to the root of how you feel neglected or abandoned. This can help you put into more perspective if this is maybe an issue of them not being a good fit, or maybe they don’t realize how to meet your needs, or maybe you are having a lot of difficult emotions come up that don’t actually have to do with them, or maybe they are outright purposefully disregarding you. Finding out what’s triggering those emotions and what you (emotionally) wanted instead can feel cathartic and give you more clarity to put things in perspective factually without as much emotional pressure clouding your view.