Blame-y Apologies Are Worse Than No Apology
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- Опубліковано 28 вер 2024
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If you’ve struggled in your life with self esteem, or making good friends, chances are good that there are some damaged and dysfunctional relationships in your past. If you’re like many of us with CPTSD, you may feel confused about whether you owe an apology. Apologies can be healing for them AND for you -- IF you get them right. In this video I respond to a letter from someone in 12-step recovery who misunderstands the purpose of "making amends." I share tips for how and when to apologize -- and how to avoid common pitfalls that bad apologies can bring.
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Anna hello my healing has been working out and I surely appreciate this advice . Knowingly now with an open mind I'll apply this. Thanks
I'm so glad the video was helpful! We're all rooting for you :) -Calista@TeamFairy
My "favourite" apology given to me is "I'm sorry you feel like that [about the terrible way I treated you]". Lol.
Freedom from shame and guilt is truly amazing…. It is in fact INTOXICATING…. Thank you 🌹🌹
Thank you for being a part of our community :) -Calista@TeamFairy
my mother has perfected the narc apology letter - my siblings and i refer to them as 'im sorry your an asshole' letters
Ha ha! Yeah. My mother's favorite line is "I'm sorry you feel that way", which is basically the same. Completely not taking any responsibility for what she did, and if I have any feelings about it, it's my problem.
Thanks for your advice. I have a similar problem at the moment with my friends. But i think I'm not ready to make amends. I'm still very hurt by the way they treated me and probably it would start a fight. I started to open up about my feelings and my struggles and they treated me with pity. Now whenever I feel hurt about something they say or do they treat me like the crazy one and give me these I'm sorry how you feel apologies. They don't take any responsibility for their part in the relationship. I'm also really afraid if I started apologising they would just feel validated and don't take me seriously. At the moment I feel better when we don't have close contact.
Anna I want to thank you. There is this subtle comment you make in many of your videos that I've noticed and that has helped me look at my actions and motivations.
The subtle comment you often make in your videos is about "manipulation." How we say or do things seemly pure, but with the hidden intent to force someone to say or feel a certain thing.
With myself I realize now that I often apologize not "just" because I regret my actions, but also because I want the other person to acknowledge my feelings and admit they hurt me. Like you said that's not a true apology; a true apology is not given with the purpose of getting something back; so thank you.
The coffee and closure example is too real
My ex went to have coffee and closure with her ex after seven years no contact since their break up
Within 48 hours they were hooking up at his place and she came back home 30 minutes before our work shift
This is crazyy
Sorry that happened to you!
These are AMEDS not- apologies!
Many abuses from others in life are the reflection of core trauma with parents. In those cases, it doesn't matter if these people apologizes to us. (Neither can they do it properly). What brings balance to the experience is we healing, forgiving ourselves and detach.
"Im sorry but" *ight ima headout*
My father and stepmother are toxic. My father was very emotionally and spiritually abusive to my mother and I. Like, I know that I have hurt him, but the pain I have caused is because I have had to set boundaries because of his toxic behavior or because I didn’t live my life the way he thought I should, and… I just can’t win there. We’re talking, that he is hurt because of the church I attend. Or, who I married, four years after my divorce from my ex. Like, yes… I know that I have made mistakes, but I was either a kid doing kid stuff, or just trying to break free of the control and doing it wrong. I don’t know how to make amends there.
Thank you for sharing your experience with us. I encourage you to try the Daily Practice. It is a great way to process fears and resentment. Here's a link to the free course, if you are interested: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Nika@TeamFairy
Great work, true
I’m on step 8 and this is super helpful. Thank you!!!
I'm so glad the video was helpful! -Calista@TeamFairy
Great Information
❤
my mother has perfected the narc apology letter - my siblings and i refer to them as 'im sorry your an asshole' letters
Oh yes! I have gotten those letters too! My mom listed everything she had done for me since I was 5. (There was about 6 things on the list) And what an ungrateful little shit I was because she was throughly satisfied that she was an excellent parent and her 6 things proved it! I realize that narcissism is a disease and the things they say are just from their own wounds, but didn’t those letters give you a peak into their very twisted world?
@@lisawehler7052 it took a really long time to understand it - still unraveling 25 years later
@@JaPabst Me too. I have gone through many levels of understanding before I could forgive. Everyone tells you to forgive but you only do that when you have an understanding that it’s a disease and they are very sick with their own unhealed wounds. It’s really hard to understand.
Is CPTSD the root cause of my problem of spelling, pronunciation of words and stuttering? When I was in 3rd grade I did have PTSD and failed that grade, at home my sister was 3 years old and her flannel nightgown near a space heater caught on fire. She was horribly burned and scared, 1956. I saw and heard her on fire, I was 7years old. She’s 72 years now. My brother and I saw and head everything. We were hungry and neglected, life was similar to your childhood and life.
I think that's very possible, and can relate from experience. A few years ago (2019) I survived a relationship with a very emotionally, sexually, mentally, and also spiritually abusive and disturbed individual. For the next 2.5 years, I had this weird stutter that I had NEVER had before going through all of that and which sure enough disappeared completely once I began to truly heal from that time.
I think the stutter (at least in my case) was a physical symptom of the degree to which this person silenced, degraded, and gaslit me at every single turn of the time we unfortunately spent together. It was like the resonance from that trauma bleeding out in physical form.
Yes, it is possible for your trauma to manifest in those ways. I know people who stuttered for years until they resolved their traumas. I also know people who have a lot of difficulty cognitively when experiencing emotional flashbacks.
❤
Susan, I am ashamed to admit that I initially commented before reading the rest of your comment. 🤦🏻♀️ I wanted to come back and say that, MOTHER of GOD what happened to you and your sweet siblings is just… straight out of hell and war, and my heart really breaks that you went through that. I cannot imagine the terror and horror and pain in that moment and then carrying it for so many years after. 💔😢 I will be keeping all of you in mind, and am wishing you only the best - healing, peace, and comfort. I'm glad you found this channel and community, and that you’re here. 💜🫂🤲🏻
Edit: Slightly adjusted verbiage.
@@mariep.2004 what a sweet person you are to give such consideration to Susan. And your difficulties must have been extreme also to see and know what is most helpful to others 🙏🏼
This is really powerful,after severe betrayal - Much prayer and much therapy has taught me how to let go. I used to be an over giver and a codependent and have worked hard to change my own patterning to find my best self,my healed self,my regulated self. Ive had to break a cycle of self abandonment, accepting blame and self pity. I am working hard to find sovereign joy and pleasure in the simple things. Letting go of trauma bonds has had a way of gifting me the idea that I am worthy of Peace and safety, at the very least. There is Hope after narcissistic abuse.
Well said
You do step 9 when youre sponsor says youre ready, I've been sober 27 years
Man the title is on point. Why even bother apologizing if it's all my fault?
I WILL NOT apologize for being lied to or gaslighted. Anyone who encounters it isn't entitled for speaking out and should always do so.
It is a disappointment to me that I never made the list for apologies for someone who stopped drinking more than 25 years ago. I suppose he never did the 12 steps.
My mother has been clean and sober in AA and NA for over 35 years. I've heard all about how she did her 9th Step amends. But interestingly, I'VE never gotten any kind of amends from her whatsoever! It is quite a disappointment, to say the least.
I've been no contact with her for 4 years now, the best thing I've ever done for my mental health!
you guys are getting apologies? I keep getting worn down until I apologize for being hurt by their actions in the first place.
Well, that's not an apology either.
Hello Anna
Love watching your videos.
A few years ago, I learnt that both of my parents had NPD. When I was a child, they were very abusive towards me, and the abuse was verbal and physical. Even by NPD standards, they were bad. And now I've learnt about the consequences of having such an upbringing. It seems as though my mother was an antagonistic narcissist and that my father was a malignant one. Not good.
I am trying to learn as much as I can about psychology, partcularly this area of it, and so I was wondering whether anyone would be able to answer these questions for me:
1. Which is worse -- two NPD parents or two BPD ones?
2. Is communal narcissism a form of covert narcissism?
3. Can someone with NPD be a "people pleaser", and if they can, does that mean that they're a narc/empath hybrid?
4. Can an empath have NPD or BPD?
5. Can empaths have narcissistic traits?
6. Is an empath a narcissist with high empathy?
7. If NPD is a disorder, then does that mean that the narc's real personality is 'underneath' the disorder?
Thanks for all of the infomation that you provide, Anna -- it is greatly appreciated.
Im getting tired of being the only one whoever apogizes. For saying " sorry, I just got home from work, and I need to take a break.'" And they respond by inferring that i needed to take a permanent break from them? After they gave me the cold shoulder? In my opinion we need to apologize less.
This sounds very much like a 'them' problem. Whoever did this has some work to do on themselves. I, personally, would not have a person in my life capable of this sort of emotional blackmail.
I agree with your opinion to apologize less.
I think that is a lesson that Anna would say means that you are accepting treatment that you don’t like and don’t prefer. If you don’t stand by your boundary, you don’t have it.
If that is a dealbreaker, it is your responsibility to protect yourself and leave, to show that you truly do not accept being treated that way.
@victoriab3308 yes, it's not them, it's me taking a chance on people in the hopes that someone will be kind. It's often hard to tell at first what peace like. Many people have facades that they carry very well.
Hello I love your videos and suggest them to all my closest friends and family! Thank you for sharing so much of your time & wisdom with us.
I believe one of the most important things to remember when making amends, is that we have zero control how the other person will react to your amends. Example, I tried to delete myself in my 20’s and when I made amends to my mother she had no reaction other than she said she did not care about what I did. Ok well there you go, it’s not my business how she reacted to my amends. It was par for the course with my narcissistic mother.
Thank you Anna for your timely advice. I am currently wrestling with this issue. There is someone I have hurt due to my trauma behaviour and I have been unclear as to how to make amends, and I didn't want to make things worse. You have clarified simply why we need to apologise, how to do it, and not to be invested in any particular outcome. We don't make amends to resurrect relationships necessarily.. but to be honest, make restitution, and to apologise for harm that we have caused. I feel more confident to approach this person now.
Sending you encouragement! -Calista@TeamFairy
I apologize❤❤
Apologies dont make a hill of fly crap
An apology with out a change in behavior is manipulation.
❤Anna you always break things down and explain them in a practical useful way. I thank God for you.
Your shirt is so beautiful 💛
Have had a half-assed apology from my sexual abuser that was not at all a relief to hear. He blamed it on his youth & didn't own it in present time or acknowledge how scarred I am b/c of how it ruined my life b/t 4 to 9 years old. I desire a better apology, but I think that's asgood as he can do. I still haven't forgiven or forgotten, but am clear to improve myself with all your help.
Appreciation, thanks.
Thanks for watching and taking the time to comment! -Calista@TeamFairy
My mom actually recently apologized for her part in abandoning me and hitting me, but the next day told me she didn’t hit me that much and I was actually a bad kid. Cognitive dissonance and fake apologies. Maybe she felt some kind of guilt or wants me to take care of her now that she’s facing old age. I have no idea and I don’t trust her.
Good Video
Thank you so much for that video Anna 🥰
Thanks for watching and taking the time to comment! -Calista@TeamFairy