The Moody, Pouty, Sulking, Passive Aggressive Narcissist
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- Опубліковано 24 гру 2024
- Some narcissists have a knack for draining the energy out of the room due to their complaining, griping, moody disposition. Dr. Les Carter breaks down this pattern and discusses how you can keep from being pulled into a non-productive counterflow.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.
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I have also found that the pouty sulky Narcissist can then fly into a rage when I just carry on with my life and ignore their games.
Yep! Hence, the need for boundaries!
Oh yes! You are not allowed to move on without them!
Oh yeah. And when it all implodes, why then it’s YOUR fault for moving on.
It can get very dangerous. Objects start flying around or worse.
Yep. If you ignore their attacks they’ll accuse you of giving them the silent treatment. You can’t win.
it is physically so tiring to be around this type of person. i have never felt so tired and depleted in my life
@nh255, I’d add emotionally draining, too! I’m beyond exhausted!
I’m sick from it all! You have no idea what behavior it will be for the day.
They always have an issue 😢
That's why I tricked out my car at the office. Steering wheel desk, sunshades, and three laptops. I know their break times and don't leave my car at that time.
And yet they can sleep anywhere anytime and for as long as they want.
And old as they get, they never learn anything about themselves. Expect no change!
Yes and no. The older mine got, the more she said she was healing herself and learning about herself, the WORSE these behaviors got. And the more I was accused of not giving her what she needed.
So there was change, just not for the better.
Cant go anywhere in public with them because they really complain and can be very rude to people non stop complaining
It was like being with a seven year old, who wanted mummy to ask what's wrong and pander to their emotions.
My experience too! I did everything for him and always wondered at the back of my mind why it was never enough and why I was so tired and drained all the time. Anyway, I’m done after 6.5 years.
yes this encapsulates it, I feel like I am expected to prod and guess. But the truth is I am not that interested at all. If someone brings something to me openly and sets up a conversation, I am all ears and can listen til the cows come home because that person is taking responsibility for their own emotional needs and is asking for help openly. Unless you're a kid, I am not going to play a parental role in listening to your problems. I will be present and a peer, but you can't just expect me to read your mind and guess what you want.
@@cmmndrblu Yess!!! You said it perfectly. My narc even used to speak to me in a baby voice and pretend to be all cutesy when he wanted something. I thought it was weird at first but then over the years I just stopped noticing the weirdness. It took me years to see that it was manipulation. I had to be the mum and make it all better, or do things for him that he didn’t want to.
I am writing down your quote “I will be present and a peer but you can’t expect me to read your mind” in my healing journal, it’s so perfect. Thank you!
Exactly……..
That's a great example thank you
Also them wanting to be included in all your activities, but then acting miserable once you get there 🙄.
My soon to be ex husband did this all the time
Yes… so you focus on entertaining them the whole time. You never get to enjoy yourself.
My narcissistic boyfriend never wants to go out with me and if we finally go somewhere he puts me down or he puts on a bored face or gets angry,the other day he told me after 5 Minutes to drop him off at home and left me in the car ...I cried😢😮
Wow I just can’t believe all the people here saying this about all the narcissist behaviors ! I don’t have the patience for a narcissist period female or male period!! That is why I decided to stay single!! 😊
Being invited and refusing it, and then getting angry when you get back.
I asked my husband to go to counseling last Sunday, and he has been throwing his temper tantrum ever since, to the point of moving into the garage. I refuse to play his game anymore.
You asked him to take off his mask and that scares him.
That’s exactly what mine did!!!
What a Loser!!!
…and the sulking…….like a 4 year-old……unbelievable
I was thinking 2 year old
One night I won Backgammon several times in a row. My fiance sulked and felt sorry for himself. He then began yelling at me for something completely unrelated.
We broke up shortly thereafter.
Who wants to be with someone who treats you like that?!?
Glad he's in your rearview mirror!
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thanks! Me, too!!!! 💪💪💪
I really couldn't do anything with my ex that looked like it was "competitive" between us. As soon as it looked like I was "winning" she'd sulk, complain, or say how unfair it was.
If I got disappointed in my own playing, I'd certainly get frustrated with myself. But it had nothing to do whether I felt I was "winning or losing". I was just happy doing something with her. That's when she'd say to me "See, you're so competitive."
Yes, Eeyore. They have never had a good day in their lives and have no interest in me.
I get to deal with this today. Pray for me please. 😥
I’m so sorry for your pain 😔 I’ve been there and I hope your situation has gotten better 🙏🏿 After literally hundreds of videos of studying the narc and practicing the advice I’m finally comfortable in my skin when I have to deal with them…..they are a 🤡 to me these days and I appreciate myself dearly around them. I don’t seek their validation, or approval and I expect mostly pain with my interactions with the narcs of the world. I will never like it but too bad that’s how it’s gonna be so any assurance comes from within and that’s PLENTY when dealing with these folks……I wish you well and do the best you can……that’s my approach 😊
My feeling is the covert narcissist’s game is worse because at least the grandiose narcissist is being direct and everyone can see it. The covert narcissist is insidious and sneaky and it may take a long time before you realize their game.
Yes, you are absolutely right: the covert ones are much more difficult to spot 👍
And far more dangerous in my opinion
Took me 4 years to figure out what it was.
Indeed
They can steal years of your life
Hours and hours of mining me for solutions to their problem only for them to do absolutely none of it.
You give them LOTS of attention when you do this. So you play right into their hands by offering advice when your experience tells you that they simply will not listen, EVER, to the advice you offer. I have learned this lesson, finally. I just say "I don't know why you ask me when you always do what you want, not what I advise." It enrages them.
this is such a relief to hear, becuase it's been driving me crazy
The mood swings are the worst. No warning, no explanation, like flipping a switch. And when you ask if you did something to upset them, they smirk 😏 a silent “you should know“!
Thanks Dr C, greetings from Switzerland 🇨🇭
Glad to be with you there in beautiful Switzerland.
So true 🎯💯
This exactly, if I get up early in the morning to read my Bible, silent treatment and scoffing all day as punishment for getting up early.
So hard to deal with these immature narcs! Ugh! Thanks for another great video! Hi to Gus!
@@judysangregorio2787it's exhausting to navigate through their "eggshells"
When will the narcissist return?
The narcissist returns, when you no longer need them.
Narcissists are all about seeing how far down they can push you, for the sake of their own validation, and much needed confirmation of their superiority over you.
Narcissists are always creating situations where they are trying to make the point that 'they don't care about you', 'you mean nothing to them', in the hope that you will fall into a state of desperation -
wanting them back at all costs, showing you cannot make it on your own without them.
Of course all of this only really validates them, if you react as expected.
Which is to fall into the character they need you to play, one of desperation, in need of the narcissist back in your life, showing your pathetic & broken self, proving your inferiority.
The supply which comes from you staying in this helpless character, allows them to thrive and seek out other supplies, as they are fully energized from the fact they now own you even from afar.
“Excuse me while I go find a place to puke.” That’s my life 🤣
😂❤❤❤
😂🎯❤️🩹
If I had a nickel for every time the narcissist in my life said “I never said that!” when calmly confronted about insults or hurtful jokes… I’d have a lot of nickels 😂
Yes! Constantly trying to rewrite history! “I never said that.” “I was just joking”.
Omg I can't stand it
The more I watch these videos, the more I'm beginning to think that maybe it's not my fault. Novel thought!
The narc wants you to think it is!!
This was the behavior that baffled me the most! Was he mad at me? Or was he just having a bad day? If his job was as stressful as he made it out to be, I always thought coming home to a happy home would make him feel better but he never cheered the flip up after coming home! I use to get the children all excited just before I knew he would be pulling into the drive so that they would greet him with their happy little “welcome home” shouts of joy. Eventually even the children stopped being excited to greet him because he would be so ba-humbug with their joy to see him. But if his phone rang as soon as he got home in his pissy little mood and it was one of his buddies (or ANYone for that matter) on the other line, he answered that phone in record time with the happiest hello and literally utter excitement to hear from whomever was calling. Then just as soon as he’d hang up the phone… bam, the big long sigh came back with a big huge frown and he’d say . “How was your day?” He would walk away as I would begin to answer and then shout from the other end of the house, “KEEP TALKING. I’M LISTENING.” Knowing darned good and well he may have heard my voice but he was NOT listening! And if I began to explain to him how that is not “listening” …the chaos of denial and deflection and projection and arguing began. Nearly. Every. Single. Day. Each day had its only little twist of uniqueness but at the core the chaos was always the same. And it all started because of his sulky, pouty, silent treatment, sighing like life is absolutely the worst kind of behavior and me constantly trying to figure out how to make him feel better or trying to figure out how to make him as happy with me (his wife, for God’s sake) as he was with other people. He was happier when he talked to complete strangers than he was when he talked to me and his own children! I always feel so damned dumb for having put up with it for so long! But just in the nick of time he would turn on the charm so that I would be convinced everything was “just fine.” The mind games were endless!
I am grateful to have finally gotten away from such foolery. I still listen and try to learn from Dr Carter as well as others because part of me is so nervous I’m going to be that dumb again, in any kind of a relationship.
Edited for typos
Kelly, you are on such a positive growth journey. I really appreciate hearing how you are committed to being the better person. We could sure use more people in this world who think like that!!
So much of that sounds like my father. I once told someone who'd met him how he';d kept me terrorized for 30 years, and they, not knowing him that well, replied with, "What, THAT little guy?" They had no idea.
I think a lot of people use micro tactics such as these to get control and force others to do what they want. I look for it and intentionally don't fall for the control anymore. I think they can ask us to do something in a much more mature way.
The wondering for years "if he doesn't want me & this life , then what does he want? The lack of emotion takes a huge toll on the spouse .
Please do not call yourself dumb! That is what he wanted you to believe of yourself. Your experience sounds very much like mine. So if you are dumb so am I. The truth is that we had no idea what we were dealing with. As people who care of course we tried to make things better. And all the while we tried they made us fell “less than”. You are not dumb, like me, you just had no experience with this at the time. Sending you hugs!!
I can't even watch Dr Carter's videos with the narcissist around I have to hide and watch it with headphones...
😮😢 In deed is a blessing for those who get Dr. C's enlightenment without fear... I feel so sorry for you...
🎯 When I’m desperate and its an inopportune time I simply click on the “CC” and read it. Definitely need privacy. I hear you! ❤
Me, too!
Literally me as I’m writing this!! My phone has the brightness turned all the way down, I have my ear buds in and the covers over my head, and it’s 1:30 am. Always listening in secret!!!!
@@lisab7977 ❤️☕️☀️😌💕🎧🙏🕊
Another reason these temper tantrums are covert is that they can be rescinded by the narcissist and tell you that you were mistaken , you were reading it wrong , they didn’t mean that, etc. etc. - it’s a very cowardly way of having a temper tantrum.
The two parts of a covert narc I found most exasperating were the constant self pity, and the asking for my input then ignoring it. Living with “Eeyore” makes you want to scream “It’s not really that bad!!!” I did on occasion get so frustrated that I yelled “Oh Grow Up!!!” That did not help AT ALL.
No one serves food worth eating at a pity party. Best not to accept the invitation.
Yes, so much self pity and lack of self awareness. It’s exhausting
My ex narc displayed al of these traits. He would also start badgering you about some incident that occurred twenty years ago. I'd have forgotten all about it, but he was still chewing the cud. His attacks would just come out of nowhere. I so don't want another narcissist in my life.
You have done and continue to do the research to make it never happen again. When taking that plunge back into the dating pool, I was hyper aware to the red (and even pink) flags. Even with narcs in the workplace or public space, I won't participate in their reindeer games. They're always searching for a sparring partner, and always come up short if they try to choose me. I hope you've found your place of peace (like the good Doc always says), my best to you. ✌
@@istateyourname4710 Thank you!
That describes my 89-year old "father" (I refer to him as a relative now.) to a T. 🙄🤦♀️
The crazy thing about these narcs is that they will drill you to the ground on things you have done wrong but they will never bring up their faults & wrongs that are far worse than yours. Total hypocrites
@@lislis9134 They might inflict the same treatment to themselves, or project their own issues onto you / others, and then rage.
Yes,experienced all. If you respond, you become supply. If you don’t, you become the complaint (and part of the problem).
Definitely a no win situation.
@@well_weathered The only way to win is to not even play. I learned that from WarGames.
@@aaronkwolfe I feel like avenging my children. What has been done to me is withstandable. My adult children have their lives ahead of them. 😣
@@well_weathered I understand. A caution, perhaps. Vengeance is a tricky thing. If I trusted myself for meting it out, I’d likely go overboard. There are many factors that I may not comprehend, and my “justice” might overwhelm my mercy. Time can heal. To err on the side of mercy takes it out of your/my hands.
Caution over. Do the best you can do.
@@aaronkwolfe I am trying. My mother is breathing over my back. I don't want my son to regret staying away from his grandfather. It is probably hopeless though.
And when I ignore the sulking I’m accused of being insensitive to their needs/feelings. They really have a manipulative response for anything you do.
My mother...."I'm not angry, just terribly hurt." Then she starts planning her revenge. ;)
Oh my word is this the truth. I hear you ❤️
I don’t think revenge is appropriate but the first sentence I do actually agree with.
My husband has emotionally destroyed me and I am very hurt. He is on the spectrum and sucks at emotions. He constantly insists me trying to hold him accountable is me being angry. I am not angry in the least but am terribly hurt. He also tells me that me sobbing is ‘screaming’.
That’s how stupid they are they think then you say no to something they want by throwing a tantrum and abusing you will work for them that you will suddenly give them what they want . Don’t chase them it’s what they want
If I do something they don't like it's the full gammit of contempt disdain silent treatment or rage. If they don't something I don't like and I say so, it's the same full gammit! Just impossible! Drove me to the edge
‘I never said that!…and if I did, I’m sorry’ .How my father would always apologise for anything
They're not all lazy, some are extreme doers, constantly busying themselves so they can look down on other people who can't keep up that pace!busy,busy,busy they've no time for anyone and they'll make out you're the lazy one, even if you're sick and unable or just need some self care ✌
@bereal6590, I feel ya! I’m disabled, but get, “I do everything around the house.” Yet, despite the disability, I dust, do several loads of laundry, feed the pets, etc. Really! Everything ? “I’m just frustrated,” as Dr. C. aptly applied!
They are busy doing nothing😂 they are very lazy in moore ways than one.
@@denicehaley9902 I didn't see this until today Denice. You're spot on. It's hard enough with a disability or illness without someone making you feel doubly bad. I hope you're 👍🤗
@@violajoseph8549 your comment comes across not genuine
This is a personality trait that got them targeted by their narcs who dissociated them. What’s crazy is politicians get on TV and say working hard is all it takes in America, but they forget to tell you is you are about to get people siced on you until you dissociate so you can destroy the lives of your family.
Has anyone ever felt like they're being "remote controled"? Some have to be in control of virtually everything! About every thought and move is dictated...And they have to be "right" about everything.
They want to control everything and you first have to filter your thoughts through them. They need total control to compensate their insecurities. Besides life is a competition and they always have to win.
Yes. The heavy sigh is So over the top. Sometimes I just sigh back. He looked up once. There was a notable flicker of recognition, but then it faded. Big message:. I work so hard & you do not. FU. Sometimes that's all that's left to say. Emotional incompetence. That's good. Thank you so much.
I hate that sigh. It's irritating to say the least.
That sigh is the worst...so manipulative.
It’s draining!..
Their huffing and puffing is hilarious. Anyone who does the breathing 😳 get away from 😂
My 7 years with a suspected covert GF to a T. It's like you were there the whole time and made a video about it. You're always spot on, Doc. No psycho babble, just knowledge, validation, and kindness from a man who understands. So grateful for your your work and for sharing it!!!! Thank you!
Thanks for this feedback.
Isn’t it amazing how Dr C can describe my relationship better than I could have being in it, and is spot-on exactly right on it all. I truly appreciate the insight and education Dr C provides.
Coping skills like picking one person and talking about that person to get everyone around them involved and onboard with the same enemy.
They continue to hold grudges when you apologize..very vindictive
They get upset when you apologize.
Thank you so much for helping me understand more! I was to the point of sadness and longing to escape until my 16-year-old daughter said mom dads abusive and we need to leave. When your kids see things way before you do that something is not right, open your eyes and look around. Don't stay for the kids, leave for the kids. Life is way too short!
Smart kid! I so hope she is sharing her wisdom with her peers as well as her mom.
Thank you so much!@@patriciahboston3547
That's such a blessing to have such a smart daughter. How are things with you and her since you've left?
@@LadyBugShaun Thanks so much. He did leave the home, and it has been such an environment of peace! I have been so lost for so long and have finally found myself.
@@thehedgerow "environment of peace" ♥️
I lived w a narcissist for 5 years and it severely and negatively affected my mental health and self esteem. With a therapist plan your escape, rebuilding yourself emotionally, socially and economically.
10:44 "Emotional Incompetence" -- I really like this way of saying them 😄
I’ve been playing this game for 49 years. Now he is ill and needs someone to take care of him. I’m so over this behavior and playing games!
Hopefully it’s not you still taking care of him ❤
Every. Stupid. Holiday.
No matter how “perfect” we tried to make it, nothing was ever good enough. The constant *itching from the narc was over ALL special occasions. Then the attacking would start. From arriving a few minutes late(literally minutes) to not answering the phone earlier in the day, no one could do anything right. I finally had enough. I only celebrate holidays with my children and husband. No one else. I’m DONE.
I hate going with the narcissist anywhere ,beach ,eg he keeps staring at all the young girls running around half naked and taking pics of them,what an insult for me ,never ahain😮
Ended relationship absolutely with my toxic elder sister after enduring years of what you detailed here!
Me too, my 70 year old sister I blocked two days ago, good luck and stay strong.
Be grateful when the "sh*t show"
Is done...Ridiculous 🧐💯😇
I can't see what your reply
Says on my end? But, ty😇
I've seen a "flip" in mood in front of my eyes, and it was related to dropping by a friend's house or going to church. It's all a front. I've stopped reacting to these mood swings, and just listen but don't emotionally respond anymore. It is a constant need for attention and control. I don't play.
You're describing my psycho coworker, she is a stereotypical covert narc, unbearable and horrible to everyone, but plays the victim.
3:27 omg #4 pretending to want your input and then ignoring you: that was so confusing; my narc would drag me to help them buy a computer, then ignored me the WHOLE TIME!
Truth! It takes a lot of practice to remember there are no good intentions. I just can’t get it through my thick skull. I hear you ! ❤
It turned me into a moody, brody, lackluster person around him. I could pick on his dislike from across the room. They loathe you silently and with every action they take. This way, they can say, "I didn't do anything to you". But they sure do. One full, very long year of silent treatment from my life partner's son. He never let up. It's uncanny how long they can be pigheaded. It really works you over psychologically. I have my own place again. Such a relief not to be a target. So nice to understand, not easy but at least I know.
My sister almost to a T. She likes to "throw her weight around" and gaslights and lies with no shame. She was the golden child, now she's miserable, but well-trained to continue to torment me. She shoots me smirks of pure joy after triggering me as if she's won something. Our elderly mother reinforces this terrible behavior while blaming me for the consequences of their dysfunction. I just learned that I've been in survival mode for 60 years. Our sisterhood was stolen from us.
I hear that and deal with it all as well. I’m so sorry! ❤️🩹
From personal observation, a narcissistic parent seems to have a role for everyone and everyone suffers. The golden child is often plagued by feelings they are being disrespected by everyone and they burn bridges everywhere. While the golden child seems to be the favorite, they are another pawn stirring up family dynamics. However, the golden child is also the protege of narcissism. Also from personal observation, narcissists live to build triggers and not only set them off with just a word or look, they love to make those triggers generally available to others. One of their favorite things to trigger is your name. The would love to see you react like you've been jolted with an electric cattle prod every time you hear your name.
Sounds a lot like my ex gf.
Same for me, I walked away 10 yrs ago and last year my dad was in intensive care, so I came back to visit him , after 9mths in the family I walked away again they hadn't changed at all.
I have made a life in the community, I learned to play the guitar and sing and perform in cafés, care homes , I have fans and they love my voice and what I do ,I finaly get some appreciation . I performed at my dad's birthday, and my family ignored me and spoke over my songs. When my mum turned down my amp, I packed up and went home.
Not going back, they are incapable of being kind, nice appreciative, loyal. Their just plain miserable,
I have better things to do.
Moved on !
@@juliedilworth4394 You endured a lot and accomplished so much. Being trapped with this type of family is extremely stressful and exhausting. I am happy you found your way out. Keep living your best life and treasure all of the ground you have gained. ❤️🤗💕💃
Everyone of these 10 traits are exactly what my husband did to me, this is so eye opening and why I am divorcing him.
I had no idea! Well 22 years later, this makes since. On my part i just ignore him when he dispays these behaviors.
I pray each day to work towards Gus-like peace, stability and tranquility. I love seeing the handsome pup chilling on the couch behind you during your sessions!
My vote would be to market some Gus merchandise “Keep calm and Gus on!”
All kidding aside thank you for today’s wisdom.
Yep. Checked off all 10. 🎉 "Excuse me while I go find a place to puke!" 😂 Lol
This passive aggressiveness can almost seem like a "split personality" sort of quality if you don't fully understand the reasoning behind what they're doing. If you don't fully grasp that they're saying and doing all of this stuff as a form of manipulation and control, it can really seem like this person is going from hot to cold and back again in a matter of seconds.
With the narcissist I dealt with, she would get furious at me for something small and meaningless, expecting me to cower down and apologize for no other reason than that she said so. She would make a big deal about something, throw a tantrum and then yell at me, expecting it to ruin my day and ruin me emotionally. Early on, I would let it get to me and I would apologize a thousand times (even if I didn't do anything wrong) and she would keep shutting me out, taking pleasure in watching me suffer. She wouldn't speak to me again (maybe for weeks or months) until I STOPPED apologizing - because then it was no longer fun for her if I wasn't begging for mercy.
So that's when I realized that it was all a game. So the next time this would happen, I wouldn't give it any attention and would go about my business. Then the narcissist would act "sad" and pouty when they realized I wasn't chasing them. They would start going on and on about how they were upset about how I didn't want to be THEIR friend (even when she was the one holding the grudge and giving me the silent treatment). It was all to try to lure me in with a false sense of security. She wanted me to think she was truly sad and lonely, all so I would approach her only for her to switch her entire personality on a dime AGAIN. The second I showed kindness to her and engaged with her, BOOM - she lashed out and brought the hammer down. It makes you think "Wow, what happened to being sad?!"
It's really just like every other thing they do - it's all a rouse to create leverage for themselves. They want to make you bow down to them, and if that doesn't work and you don't let it get to you and go about your own business, they will have to switch up manipulation strategies. So they think if they can lure you back in with fake sadness and gain your sympathy, that gives them leverage over you again. It's pretty bizarre behavior until you realize, "Oh, you really just want to be in charge and have the power to guilt trip me and punish me and that's where all of this split personality behavior comes from". None of it is "real" emotion.
You make so much sense
@@Gef143 I definitely think there's a possibility BPD was at play with this person. But they definitely did a ton of manipulative things specifically for supply though. They also thought incredibly highly of themselves to an irrational degree and had absolutely no self-awareness or ability to see themselves as the problem. So all of that is what led me to believe it was NPD first but if it also turned out that she had BPD as well, it would not shock me.
The projection is off the hook! They'll tell you you're angry all the time when it's them that's angry! They'll also re-interpret conversations and accuse you of calling them names when you didn't do that at all.
The only one my husband is not is number 9. Also, because I am the thorn in his side, he has every right to treat me like garbage.
Diagnosed w/ PTSD 4 yrs ago. When my narc husband gets like this he'll slam everything because I startle easily...he gets off on it
Oh goodness. I just told my dad "no" today. He started ţo cut down a dead tree in the yard and then called me over to help. I told him that I wasn't up for that today. He told me that he didn't care what I wanted and that I was whining. I said, "You're right. This is me calmly telling you, no" I got a "fine I'll do it myself." I went about the tasks that I had planned for the day. He quit the tree after a half an hour and sat outside while I caulked a gutter. Didn't say one word to me. Then he went in the house to lay down. It's hot and very windy here today and he chose the hottest and windiest part of the day to tackle this chore. Apparently calm refusal to cave to their whims is VERY effective.
My covert sister in law checks every box. One Christmas get together, a nice cozy fire was lit for everyone to enjoy. The little pouty sulky baby went outside in the cold because she was too hot and nobody was giving her attention. It all makes so much sense now. Ive gone no contact so no more holidays to deal with her BS. Thank you Dr. C for another excellent video ❤
How old is she? I have one of these (a sister-in-law) that always has to be the center of attention. She is 66 years of age.
@janetsweeney7251 HI Janet..she's 64. You know the older they get, the worse they become with the narcky crap.
Record Everything because a narcissist will say I’ve said that !!
Dr. C you are 100% correct about this. My narc behaved like this whenever he didn't get his way or if I said no or disagreed with him. I had to constantly say, " I have my own thoughts and opinions." He was what he called frustrated ALL the time about everything.
I've been experiencing these moods, it's so draining and a ridiculous waste of life.....I think this narcissistic man is playing a role....its the most frustrating thing to have to deal with....he is always looking for attention, and then screams out ...im grown!!...I don't need anyone!!....im thinking, who cares!?.....I wish there was a narcissistic island to put them....its depressing, draining, boring, childish and empty dealing with them....its like a re- run of a bad episode...same stuff ,different day.....I want out so bad.....soon, very soon.....
I love the idea of the narc island to put them on!! If you want out, make a plan, call a DV advocate and leave, good luck!
My mom. Last really big holiday was the Passover Seder. We were having over 20 people over. Big deal. She did thing after thing to ruin it. Picked at the wife and me as we were scrambling to prepare, kept telling lies, just baiting us both. Sulked and pouted.
I finally snapped at her when she just kept telling me this lie while I was trying to prep food. The lie itself isn't important. But it's an issue she knows is a real sore spot with me. And she was riding it and me hard, ratcheting it up, coming back again and again and I finally snapped at her and took he her to stop telling that lie. Big mistake. She raged back at me and made a huge dramatic exit, closed the door to her room, and didn't come out for the big event. Actually, I take it back. That was the best thing that could've happened.
In any event, watch out for big holidays. It KILLS them when they're not at the center of the show, when their fake illness, depresion, victimhood isn't the main subject of conversation. You try to make God the center of the show, they'll hate you for it and try to ruin it.
This is exactly my relationship for 7 years but no whiny just more introverted and won’t discuss anything
Thanks for this information Dr C. I’m in shock that this is part of a covert narcissist personality! Dealt with it for 30+ years. 🤦♀️
You are so welcome...keep learning!
I noticed that narcissists will often call their victims covert aggressive. Victims are forced into that role until they they can free themselves.
Spot on.
The moment my Narcist started exploring me as a covert narcist was the day he showed me a video on his phone and then told me I wasn’t meant to see it. Obviously running out of ideas to control me which told me that was his end game revealed and his finale at trying to gaslight me over as that was the moment I could see straight through him and I left the relationship for good
We need so many more videos on how to recognize and deal with these people! They can be so baffling for years that it’s hard to recognize early on all the firm steps we need to take to protect ourselves. It’s so easy to be fooled by these folks!!!
So true.
It really is easy to be fooled! Narcs are very good at what they do.
amen
Baffling! That's the word I was always feeling until I started watching these videos! Now I am just amused when I see the "baffling" behaviour , described to a "T" by Dr. C! Gracias Doctor!
My dad to a tee. But you can add to this aggressive explosions out of nowhere, physical abuse, destroying things, systematically ignoring us children, and being an extreme hypochondriac. When you say you have cancer, he says he has a sore finger.
This. They literally always have it worse. There is no possible way they will let you get any attention or sympathy for a very real, serious and/or scary problem you have going on. The second you tell them, the wheels automatically start turning as to how they can flip this and make something about them. Then if you don't show them make believe pity for a make believe problem, you're the one that doesn't care about them or their problems, they're all alone and get on the phone with any other source or supply who will give them the attention they're looking for. All the while, YOURE the one neglected and left with zero support which was their goal. Trying to explain this will only worsen the problem and possibly cause them to say something extremely hurtful as to how an unexpected problem was probably your fault to begin with. Gotta love it.
😂 yes, so true. We just left my doctor's ofc where I was told I had thyroid cancer and needed surgery asap. My husband starts whining that he's sure he has a brain tumor.
@@ambremomo *Nods head up & down*
11. Deriving validation and pleasure from destroying your boundaries
12. malevolence
Run away at 1000 MPH, there is no help for these demons, this way of life is their choice, their ONLY choice. Leaving is saving yourself, I didn't know that 20 years ago.
Married 33 years to one of these people.sucked the life right out of me. He almost killed me with the abuse, finally he found another woman and got a divorce.
Checklist of the quiet, covert Narc:
1. Lots of negative non-verbal messages
2. Heavy sighs
3. Victim's attitude
4. Pretending to want your input, then ignoring it
5. Assumption that you should cater to them
6. Behavioral disparity (saying one thing but doing totally different)
7. Needy for affirmation
8. Quitting easily
9. Threats of self-harm
10. Refuse to include you in normal events
》It's a backward way of drawing attention
》Pronouncing judgment & shame onto you
》Goal: to control you
》Temper tantrum of an adult child
》Their way of "coping" =
》Emotional incompetence
Great summary!
Exactly Roxy. ❤️🩹 Then we wonder why we are drained! It really is like this. Chaos!
@@angelamorgan3399 Thank you, Angela 🙏💛🙏
Sometimes those threats to theirself isn't verbalized but the mood plays on you and is threatening.
❤
This is my mom. Took me 52 years to figure this out. I told her I refuse to babysit her feelings anymore and have set about not doing it. It has increased the behavior, yet now I ignore it and enjoy her fustration at not being able to use her tricks on me.
Why is this metastasizing at such speed too? Exhausting soul sucks. They ruin everything.
They always inflate themselves but create an atmosphere of doubt for you
I’ve had 2 different housemates like this before. It is beyond exhausting and traumatizing.
My husband will go in the other room and cuss me to himself or talk about me to himself really bad loud enough so i can hear him. Then he will come back where i am and start being nice or ask me a question. Makes me so sick! Hes just trying to see if i will start fussing about what he just did. He never says anything to my face much. If he does its just another way to start a fuss. Hes worse in the other room. Trying to get a reaction. But then denies it when i do say something
Yep. Was married to this. So much angst and drama out of nowhere. He was shocked when I got up one morning and started packing. I was gone in three days. Divorced in a few weeks.
Recently my ex covert narcissist was so nice when I was sick with CARE BOMBING but now I'm feeling better, he's pouty, distant and acting as if he wants me to shower him with praise for helping me out which I already did the other day. He's never happy
Thanks, Dr. Carter, for sharing your expertise on this subject. I'm 71 years old and have been married for 40 years. I started watching your videos a few years ago. The topics you discuss are all very helpful to me. I tried therapy counseling, but ultimately, I just read the Bible every day. Proverbs 9:7-8, Proverbs 13:1, and Proverbs 14:6 are three of my favorite verses related to "scoffers." For the rest of the time, I watch your videos. My heart doesn't hurt anymore now that I know what I am dealing with. It's like a disease for those who struggle with it, I think. Very sad. Have a blessed day, doctor.
Thanks, I'm pleased to be on the path for you. For the record, I'm Christian and I agree that the Proverbs have many common sense teachings.
My narcissistic boyfriend tries this all the time, and I shut his ass right down. If he's not the center of attention, then he gets mad, and I ignore him because I don't want to be wasting my energy on him. When he's quiet, I love it!
"Passive-Aggressive" - I first ran across this term about 25 years ago. When I did, I realized it perfect fit and explained a longtime "friend" of mine. He was in the sad habit of letting his own life fall into complete chaos & disrepair-- while at the same time, ALWAYS trying to tell ME how to live MY life. Every time we'd get together, he'd be naggng me about what i should do, or how I should act, and then hitting me with relentless questions like "Well why not?" "Well how come?" And yes, at time< I thought he soudned like a 5-year-old. It's only very recently I came to hear the term "passive-aggressive" used in connection with "narcissism," and I realized, decades after-the-fact, that's what that guy was.
In the last few years I knew him, he'd often go missing or be inaccessible for months or a year at a time, only to suddenly turn up out of nowhere being all friendly. And then, like clockwork, a week later, turn up again, NEEDING A FAVOR. I got very offended by the idea that he only wanted to stay friends because he saw me as someone who could do things for him. And the truth is, THAT part wasn't the real problem for me-- it was that, PLUS, he simultaneously trying to tell me how to live my life.
I finally told him one day when he showed up: "I WANT YOU OUT OF MY LIFE." Incredibly, it took him nearly 2 years for the message to get through. But I refused to talk with him from that moment on.
Wow. What a sick individual. “I want you out of my life!” So simple and direct. Good for you! I’m sure you’re MUCH happier without this “friend”.
Misery misery misery !
Its sad when they know what they do and how they hurt but blame everyone else its never their fault and its very hard to not take personally the dreadful things they say say
Wait! 2,3k likes in under 20 minutes?! Ugh! So many recognized what Dr C was talking about
When I get notified of pending stream (33 to 36 hours or so before stream), I go and “like” ahead of time, because I’m certain I will. If (for some strange reason) after the stream, I realize that I didn’t like it, I can always click a second time to rescind it. Never happened before, but that option does exist.
Thank you, Dr. Les. Every time I watch one of your videos it reminds me that I am not crazy. Narcissists just make you feel that way.
That's what narcissists do. Here on #TeamHealthy we stand for Dignity, Respect, Civility!
OMG this is my adult niece. Not surprising since her mother (my sister) is a grandiose malignant narcissist.
❤️🩹❤️
Had to pause just to say, I love that Gus is living his best life! 🐶 🥰
Gus is my little buddy!
The best way to deal with a narcissist is ignore them, let them pout and sulk. Cheers Dr. C, I LEARNED the hard way to keep being me and I rarely sulk thankfully.
My husband is very vengeful and say things like: you will see what I am going to do you will notice, or Forget I am attending at our party on saturday, or I will quit my job and then you will see. This uncertainty is exhausting.
Mine, does the same thing, this is called baiting,they say things like that because, they get off on getting emotional responses from you. Don’t fall for it. Ignore him.
@@Itsmeandthatsok2 Thank you so much for the explanation.
@@margaretaklemming2492 you’re welcome
I had a friend who told my fiance she didn’t know how he does it (referring to being in a relationship with me). When I called her out on it, her response was, “That was not my intention.”🤦🏻♀️
I'm still so confused about this... My husband shows all these signs, except that the motive doesn't seem so clear. Dr. C, you say that they "are trying to get a response from us", but I'm not sure these are his motives. How can you tell? He seems so sad about doing these things but feels powerless to stop. BTW, we've been married for 40 years and I only learned about this 5 years ago. We raised 6 kids and I'm sure they see me as imbalanced because I was always reacting. These videos have changed my life. I mean that very literally. 😊
Sad that people like this take advantage of good people. Good people who could love them beyond measures. 😢
Gotta be a sad way to live.
The embodiment of emotional incompetence - That is the best description, thank you!
While watching this my narcissist ask “ whyare you mad at me”.??! Lol
My wife is both overt and passive aggressive. From shouting, belittling and accusing to quiet and aggressive with flip of a switch.
I don’t know how you do it
@@windysmith7367 I don’t know either. Almost 31 years and I am exhausted emotionally, mentally and physically.
How do you deal with a narcissist who is nice to your face but talks really bad behind your back? You don't even know what they're saying but know how badly they talk because they talk about everyone like that. So much vicious gossip that the people the narcissist talks to don't even talk to each other any more...?
I think this is another trait of the covert narcissist. They call everyone to complain and tell stories that place us (who dare to have boundaries!) in a very negative light. Sadly, it kind of works.
Just had an episode of that this morning. Looking for more and more material on elder care and how NParents get worse as they age 😐😑😖
My mom, fortunately, developed dementia. She had no more control over anyone. When I visited her, if she got mean, I would leave. Act nasty and the fun stops.
I have a narc friend who I got along with pretty well for 38 years. Then she lost her grip and turned on me hard. It was very hard to walk away from this friendship, but I had to. Five times in a row when I saw her, she acted like she hates me. So, it sure can get worse.
Good luck in your situation. It's hard to help people who use it against you when you love them.
Nailed it. I truly thought gluttony was the issue this person was plagued with, but it is narcissism.
Moodiness, passive aggression and codependency are signs of toxicity, but they can go under the radar, per NPD. Taking your moods and frustrations out on others is immature and selfish, but it can also accompany numerous, less overt red flags indicating covert narcissism. It is harder to detect and most wouldn't see it, unless you have studied narcissism diligently.
Narcies come in different forms. When you have been flying monkeyed for years, assume most people around you are spies/compromised, and most are narcissists with less power than the one who recruited them to run in little circles around you and report back.
When there is something they want to do they are unstoppable, but when it comes to things they don't want to do, they act helpless. You know, like cooking, cleaning and just the everyday minutia. And yes, the sulking and the pouting when they can't have their way.
He would stop talking to me. It was infuriating to try to understand what is going on and they wont tell you. The more Id try to get him to tell me what was wrong the quieter he'd get. He tortured me .
Wow, I can't believe how perfectly accurate this description is - thank you.
I spent an incredibly confusing & lonely 2 years feeling increasingly ashamed, worthless & Googling phrases such as 'Extreme / Unpredictable Mood Swings in Adults'! At the time, I had no idea my situation wasn't unique. My confidence was shattered, I was forever apologising to everyone for everything & I was no longer able to make eye contact with people.. and that was just from a 2 year relationship. I can't imagine how isolating & devestating it would be for someone to live like that for decades.... this should be taught in schools.
They make sure you never have time to think about yourself, I felt so defeated when I realised I was suddenly miserable every day and believed I was to blame. Any happiness was always overshadowed by a knot of dread knowing tomorrow will be miserable again no matter what I do or how hard I try. Very confusing, lonely, exhausting (& valuable!) lesson.
I feel exactly the same way, and I'm stuck and can't get out of the relationship without extreme guilt and fear over blaming me for his struggle after leaving him. He's currently unemployed.