A Very Odd Way Of Finding Control Over A Narcissist
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- Опубліковано 10 тра 2024
- Since narcissists are relentless in their efforts to control you, it's easy to fall into bad habits in reverse. Dr. Les Carter highlights some of the common pitfalls, then offers a spot-on, proven way to stay out of their clutches. Once you learn it, you (not the narcissist) are the one in control.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder. Since creating his UA-cam channel, his videos have received more than 110 million views.
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I didn't want to control him. I wanted him to control himself.
Good way to put it.
You'll have a very long wait. 😢
He can't help himself.
It's that old story about the poisonous scorpion asking the turtle for a ride across the river. The scorpion was sweet and beguiled the turtle though the turtle had doubts. In the middle of the crossing, the scorpion stings the turtle.
The turtle says, "why did you do that!? Now we will both die. Me from the poison you from drowning." The scorpion said, "It's my nature. I couldn't help myself."
It's the nature of a narcissist to sting. They are EXTREMELY devious. Like the scorpion, I met someone who confessed he was a reformed narcissist. He even wanted to start a group for victims of narcacism and he actually had people want to give him a "ride." I refused.
All the signs were still there. The same controlling, the same superiority and the same: I'm going to head the recovery group, I'm going to control who joins and write the bylaws, I'm going to pay for some account because that gave him control as to who could come to the meeting. They can't help themselves! It's who they are.
Couldn't see that all he had done was convinced himself that he had recovered, and now wanted old victims of abuse to act as his new supply. I'm in charge, I'm in control, my way or the highway dripping out his pours and he still thinks he has recovered. Walk away!
But he used rage to control you, they are this much evil
That was the idea that I had when raising my children. As they got older, I didn't want to control them. I wanted them to learn to control themselves. With a narc it's a whole different ball game!!! Unfortunately 😢😩🙄
Yep, trying to prove yourself or argue is just a waste of time and energy.
Just walk away.
Yes, it's an exercise in futility & frustration. Very draining, we shouldn't give away our power nor peace to these clowns.
I almost got baited yesterday to fall into this trap. I told myself, just wait 30 minutes before you do anything. After 10, I was like "whew, that was a close one". Never engaged. It won't help. If it is something that HAS TO BE ADDRESSED, I will say what I need and then give a consequence if that isn't met. I have to have a back up plan if he comes back with a no and do the consequence. And probably more.
I think what I'm trying to say is that I always have options and God will supply what I need. But there's one option that has been proven to never work. That is depending/hoping on my husband.
@POS3278 For the FIRST time in the 3 years we've been together, I followed through with my "threat.
(I don't like that word, but it's all I have right now as today went BAD ...Fast)
I can barely think.
I'm not gonna type it aall out but "the thing" I warned him NOT to ever call me again or else xyz would happen, happened.
No surprise there.
Out of ALL his "names" for me, he was warned that THAT one was off-limits.
I almost can't blame him for doing it because it's been 3 years of empty threats from me.
But in the last few weeks...finding out his ex (amongst other women)
had been in our relationship (some since the beginning) added to the vile, nasty, cruel, mean-spirited things he said to me....the 3 years of gaslighting, rage fests, going after my soul in any way he could...well...I'd had Eeeeee Nuff.
I followed through with EXACTLY what I told him I'd do.
In under an hour, he went so batshit crazy that that i actually REALLY did it that he threatened to send the nudes he has of me to all my male followers on Instagram/toxicgram AND he said theyre going on Reddit too.
Last night was the 19th night in a row that I had literally been down on my knees begging God to exorcise him because he's GOTTA be tortured inside.
I don't even know what to think or feel anymore 😢
I loved him so much....
Cheers.
Christi.
P.S.
Hey....
Sorry for babbling at you.
I guess I just needed to get some of this poison outta my system, you know?
Hope ya enjoyed my little novella
(My head dump on you)
Sigh.
Take care fellow commenter ❤
If a black hole were ever manifested in a human, it'll be the narcissist. Hours and health gone and never to return.
Amen.
Being under a narcissist's control is like being incarcerated. You intuitively understand that you must count the days until your sentence has been served and you are set free.
Absolutely!!!👍🏻👍🏻
Wow. Well said and so true.
Ding Ding You Are A Winner!
So true! I’m counting the days right now. My 2 and a half year sentence is almost over! Only 2 weeks left of sitting in a room at work for 8 hours a day with an impossible narcissistic female. I am SO EXHAUSTED after those years. Until I started figuring out what’s going on thanks to Dr. Carter I was totally lost and depressed, sometimes I felt I was losing my mind and my own self in the process. I experienced everything with her, from narcissistic love bombing, playing the victim of past relationships, struggling to support her on my part and make her happy, through lack of trust and loyalty on every level, deception, heartbreak, discard, smear campaigns and turning others at work against me up to process of disengagement that took me a better part of last year. I am a shell of a human that I used to be, I almost lost my marriage but now I’m almost free. Can’t wait!!!
@@milosza1384 Good for you🌞👍🏻👍🏻.Remember to keep taking good care of your mental health & well-being even after escaping from that so you can thrive😸❤️🩹.
They see themselves as life's cross examiner, with you on the witness stand having to defend your choices.
So true. They must assign themselves this role to feel superior. Such an immature low iq way to exist!!
Oh crikey yes!
You described it 💯 correct.
yes and if you allow yourself to be cross-examined, there is a huge fear component to it, which empowers the sadist in them. It's a terribly hard cycle to break.
LoL I don't defend. It kind of goes like this:
You have to do this thing.
No I don't
(Listen while she cycles through demands, micromanagement, pleading, commanding...you probably know the drill)
Followed by a request that I immediately acquiesce and agree to every demand, however ridiculous. I start with "I understand everything you said, but I'm not doing that ".
BUT WHY!!??
Because I don't want to. Kinda hard to marshal a convincing argument without any parameters to work with. If the best she can do is "Well...that makes you a vile person!" then "I'm OK with you thinking that of me". Tends to take the teeth out of her bite and I just go about my business.
It's all good unless she touches me. That's a story for another time. Suffice it to say she doesn't go there anymore. You may not be able to control someone else but you can certainly teach them to respect your boundaries and aggressive physical contact from my Mother is one of mine.
My principles for dealing with narcs:
1) Don't give them any personal information (they just collect data to weaponize everything against you)
2) No reactions or emotions around them (because they'll use it to smugly gossip that there's something wrong with you)
3) Accept that it's ingrained in their personality and don't personalize their behavior
Concept of ‘firewalling’ came in very handy for me!
I really appreciate your comment. The points you raise all help us to realise 'we're not the crazy one' (or the bad one). Your comment highlights the difference between (us) healthy folk and less healthy toxic souls
4. Use Objective Truth in your thoughts and communication.
5, When they discard you, treat it as Get Out of Jail, and appreciate your freedom! No need to re-engage!
@@sturobertson6791 After dealing with them and hundreds of hours of narc content on UA-cam, that’s basically what I’ve distilled it down into for myself to avoid getting burned by their personalities. My favorite is to just get away from them if possible.
@@barbarakelly1916 Great additions :) Narcs love glomming onto any emotional angle to your words, any opinions. Distorting words, embellishing, always spinning things they don’t understand into something it’s not.
My “control” was backing away. I had more control over myself, and her inability to control me drove her further away.
You and I are on the same page, Aaron!
@@SurvivingNarcissism Excited to learn more!
That worked for me too. I backed completely away.
The more you back away from narcs, the more healthy people you have around you ❣️
Exactly!
Dealing with a narcissist is so totally exhausting! Nothing but mind games. Best thing to do is to run in the opposite direction.
Taking the focus back on yourself
Accepting the narcissist as they are
Distant limited or no contact
yep no contact is the only way because of their patterns over and over
yep no contact is the only way because of their patterns over and over
I found my strength in not taking the bait and as a fixer at heart that was hard. But when I discovered this super power? Not getting caught up? Just smiling and walking away? Rocket fuel for my peaceful way of going
⚠️ True, on fixer at heart! It's hard but you can't solve it.
Recently started doing this involuntarily, either they think I'm playing or they confused, but they took the nonsense away from my space
Yes,to beat them at their own game,, I am surrounded by Narcs, snooty know it alls,ugh. I know and understand the game that they are playing, and I cannot control them,,, however I have the power to ever so politely, excuse myself and walk away. It’s still annoying, but I believe in time the feeling of not giving them the time of day, and how empowering that is will recharge me from the negativity of such narcs! Great advice in this vlog!❤ stay strong 💪
Amen to that!!! 🙏
That makes you “Rocket (wo)Man”.
We can't control them. We can only control ourselves.
Things were out of hand yesterday causing a lot of chaos with spouse and mother.
I was offering helpful suggestions for the distressing situation and then I just realized they are totally fine with their added suffering and I gave in and said have at it.
I felt better.
I'll bet they were in shock!
@@cathybutcher4826 They were oblivious, it seems. They can both talk about how laborious it was.
So true, Amanda❣
@An-mei Isn't it strange that the more you try to help, the more fuel you add to the fire. You're no better thought of 🤷♀️
How considerate of them on your birthday 😳 Sending positive thoughts ✨️ 🙏 ❤️
We can't control anyone else honestly (only by deceit as narcissist do). But we can control our own behaviour and emotions.
And THAT is a full-time job.
@@CHDean Yes, but as we practice better ways, it becomes easier and more restful, together with getting away from those who provoke the worst in us. If we can talk yourself through and calm ourselves when we're triggered, the abuser loses power over us.
Dr C's video Calm Confidence is helpful, and Anna Runkel the Crappy Childhood Fairy has a free downloadable list of Ten Emergency Measures for when you're emotionally disregulated and a Daily Practice she teaches for releasing anxiety. May we all learn how to be the calm person in the room and leave politely before we do/say anything we may regret later.
First, there's no point in arguing with a narcissist or trying to plead your case. It falls on deaf ears. As regards control, you can only control your reactions. Always remain calm and disengage if the narcissist insists on chaos and drama, conflict. Remember, you don't need the narcissist but the narc certainly needs you. Do what you do best. Be you, with your principles, boundaries and assertiveness. Ignore attempts at manipulation and control. Be consistent. Trust yourself and embrace all of the positive personality traits that you possess.
In this way you're not playing by their playbook.
Walk away with your dignity intact. Be kind and gentle.
What differentiates you from the narcissist is empathy.
100% agree. No point in pleading your case. I just experienced this. It is so hard to realize that they just are unable to understand you are not the puppet they believe you are. And you will ever get through to them. Hopefully I’m done giving him chances
Saved this thank you so much. So well put!!
@@mayamartin7359 Thank you Maya. I'm happy to know that you found my post to be helpful.
Kindness,
Patrick Sicard PsyD
I wish I had this one instructive comment 6 months ago when I married a man I didn't know was a narcissist because I'd never heard of narcissism. I thought my story was pretty wild until I read all of y'all's comments... narcissism is simply evil at work--deceiving, lying, crazymaking, bullying, hurting, frustrating, ignoring, rejecting, doing all they can to destroy. So Sad because I loved him. So glad I got out so quickly, only 7 months of my life wasted. His miserable life is completely wasted. I do pray for him.
Obviously, our education, political, medical, military, religious, corporate, etc, etc, institutions were organized and controlled by Narcissists. Think about it. Why did we never learn about Narcissism when studying Psychology for example.?
I took years of University level courses in Psychology and never heard one word,! I knew absolutely nothing for almost 60 years!
Mind over matter, if we don’t mind they don’t matter!
Nice tux!
A very essential statement, Fred, but for me it rather explains a goal than a way 😉 So my question would be, "What steps are needed to get to this particular goal?"
@@SurvivingNarcissismthanks Doc why we don’t have more people like you in this world?
@@roxymovie3938I will tell you something that kicks the narcissist out of your mind once for all, today you will be free of your narc, I will use remote hypnosis.
Narcs don’t care about us, but you care about yourself and that is all you need if someone healthy wants to join you it’s a bonus if not you are whole deserving of love.
@@fred.k9875
Hi Fred, why indeed don't we have more people like Doc C?
Thankfully, as we heal we get better at recognising and attracting healthy folk around us. We only need a few around us to have a healthy life.
Hope you are ok, and all the best to you
I’ll tell you what they do-still blame you, still play the victim, still lie about you to anyone who will listen. But you continue to ignore them and everything they do. Ignore, ignore. Take the high road and never acknowledge what they do. They are insignificant in your life. You don’t even know they exist.
And most people will get sick of their negativity when they complain about you and then usually get away from them once they see how they are stuck in negativity. Thats the secret... people will discover who they are when they go on the smear campaign. So yes, walk away knowing they will dig their own grave. They will get their flying monkeys but they are a minority and they are toxic people anyway.
I love Surviving Narcissism. Even after years of being free from covert narcissistic mother, I come back occasionally for this valuable info.
Almost one year going no contact. Freedom is wonderful!
@@billstewart1747 6 years free. It actually has taken 5 years to feel the healing. That first 5, I was waiting for the retaliation. It was in the sixth year, though, that I am healed enough that I simply don't care what she does. I move forward and on my way with much more ease. She can't impact me directly, so she pulls shenanigans by impacting the people I come in contact with.
Same, I don't have too many issues with my covert narc mom anymore since I Gray Rock, but still enjoying listening and learning about narcissism
Check Kris Reece as well! She’s amazing!!
Me too 😊
I noticed with my narcissistic ex that his opinion was always opposite mine, so if I said the opposite of what I thought, we were in agreement. 😂 Thankfully, he's my ex, so I can be myself, now.
Yes! They automatically disagree! It doesn't matter what you say. Or they'll just give a contemptuous sneer at what you say. They live to direct themselves in opposition to you.
They'll still adopt a stance opposite to you. It's like a knee jerk reflex. Better to express no opinion to them at all.
my mother was like this. Whenever I wanted to manipulate her or get my sister to manipulate her I would tell her to pretend she didn’t want to do something to get my mother to try to “force” her to go to prom or force her to do what she pretended that she didn’t want to do (but really wanted to do). I think my mother is almost a full blown narcissist we grew up with social services and abuse.
If you have lived long enough with an abuser, you just want to be alone where no person can control you anymore. From a nice book:
"I find my only true joy in solitude. Solitude is my palace. Inside, I have my own chair, table and bed, wind and sunshine. When I sit down anywhere else, I'm resting in exile, on misleading land. I'm proud of my palace. I'm keen to keep it warm, soft and glorious, like I could entertain butteflies and birds."
Exactly what I want now ☮️💜
So beautiful! Thank you! 🤗🫂🙏
A very odd way to get control over a Narc, is going no contact or at least not engaging in any emotional way (grey rock).
For they need your attention and your emotions to get control over you.
🎯🎯🎯
Well said!
When I went gray rock under Dr C protocol he finally admitted that he could no longer trigger me & then he just disappeared!
That's really hard since one of my narcissists is my mother. But she will try and engage and I tell her I'm not talking about that with you anymore. She'll try again and again when I see her but I shut her down. We had an all out fight last Fall and she was calling me Little Girl and I'm 55. It was ridiculous and ever since I won't engage. I basically lost a parent even though I never really had one in the first place.
@Michscott123hm
My time is too important to waste on trying to control a narcissist. Even if a narcissist could change it would take at least 5 years of weekly behavioral therapy. I don't have 5 years of my life to wait and see if a narcissist might change enough to not be toxic to be around. I'm in my 40's and want to enjoy the rest of my life.
They won't like it. They will be unhappy. I finally noticed that they were going to be unhappy anyway, no matter what. Even, if necessary, about something else. I'm ALWAYS going to be wrong. Sigh. So I finally figured, hey, I might as well be mad at for something I want.
This turned out to be a good step towards not caring about their opinion and approval.
The problem could be that a narcissist knows your plans and opinions and will do everything to thwart your success in making them become a reality.
Not when you have independence
The Power of Paradox. Luv it! Once I realized my narcissistic ex was controlling me by making sure I was sleep deprived and/or weakening my resolve by taking shots at me deliberately to upset me, I put all my energy into staying calm and focused in his presence. It's pretty sad when things go this far.
Always ends this way because the narcissistic pattern is control then reject so just get out
@@caroleminke6116 Already divorced. Yay!!
So great you had that strength to do that. My father controlled my mother right up until 2 weeks before she died. He tried to control her in hospital but the nurses saw that the moment one of my siblings left him alone with her and stopped him. As soon as she was diagnosed with terminal cancer (no surprise living with an abuser for 65 years with extensive history of violence against her and us kids), he deprived her to rest during the day and during the night. After the 3rd time of politely requesting him to let her sleep I then got annoyed and said to him you will hasten her death if you keep doing this, that’s when he started on me with every interaction (just like old times), so much so Mum would say to my - while he was hovering over her like a vampire/dementor, it’s ok don’t worry. 😱💀. She refused all treatment except pain relief and that never worked properly until she was on her death bed. She was gone 10 weeks after diagnosis quicker than what the doctors said she had remaining. I realized later this was her chance to escape the POS and on her terms. I had minimal time alone with her growing up- being the incessant man baby he was. I moved far away to get away at 21 to get away from that pos and rarely saw her for the next 30 years because of the pos she was married to. He even tried to minimize the extremely rare times she did visit complaining like a spoiled child that he was left alone. 😱 I am fortunate he refused to come on holiday with her when she came to visit. He had no interest in seeing the daughter he hated (me) or his grandchildren- I realize now, and thank God coz he would have just wrecked it for everyone. 🙏. But watching my beloved mum deteriorate so quickly and her not seeing her first great grandchild (by an older brother who also lived far away) or finish her painting of my beautiful 4yr old great-nephew in a photograph before she died - all because of him was just heartbreaking. I stopped speaking to him - for my own mental health and safety just before Mum died. She held on for extra days comatosed wanting us to reconcile🤮. She was codependent and didn’t realize. In the end she was so beaten down physically and psychologically by that POS. She just wanted a happy family and he, along with my psychopathic abusive sister and younger brother have ensured her dying wishes are totally dismissed , disrespected and 💩 upon at every mention. Going no contact is my only option.
@@ZLLi661 sorry to hear your father treated his family this badly. The Quiet Generation did not have the resources that we have now. My mother was narcissistic and it is only now that she has passed that my father is finding out the truth.
So evil and sad! 😌
It’s independence your own independence is your own self control
Bingo!
I very much like that!
Easy enough to say when your physical health is relatively unaffected isn’t it. If you get real sick and find yourself physically dependent on people who just don’t care too much about you, then you might find out that you still have to exercise a great deal of self control despite not having much independence to speak of.
@@hmfogptditfBut never give up, be wise and think forward.
@@hmfogptditf you always have independence it’s not a matter of how much there’s always decisions you can make
It used to all be about 'what do I say'. Now it's 'don't say anything'.
Short answer: Don´t engage. Do not let him in your home. Do not try to explain the obnoxious things he does over and over. , don seek his respect. do not think he will stop. Again Do not let him in to your home.
If we learn to think of them as vampires, it would be easier to not let them into our homes.
I agree. When my ex showed his manipulation tactic totally obviuos I gave up and turned away. He tried to guilttrip and gaslight me and I just said 'maybe you are right, so I will leave this relationship since I am not sufficient in your eyes'. He couldnt deal with that and was really shocked. I stood my ground whatever he tried afterwards during his hooverattempts. I am free. And I couldnt care less what he thinks and talks about me. I am free living a peaceful life daily. Its the only way for me. He had his chances to share my life but he utterly failed to be a partner.
Just your toddler & you refused to be secondary mommy supply
Thank you for this inspiring comment!
Good for you.
I'm sure there a times you look back at it all. But are also continuing to move forward.
I hope you are having a good day.
It's pretty nice out there.
❤
Problem is,,, so many, like myself, cannot afford “ courses”. Or private counseling. Thank GOD FOR YOUR CHANNEL. THANK GOD. ❤❤❤❤
Walking away and grey rock is sometimes the only way to maintain your peace.
The ageing Narcissist walking around the work place having a Narcissistic rant - is one of the most UGLY social interactions I've ever seen 🥺😰
Agreed! Being covertly stalked, followed into stores where every detail of my purchases is watched by a miserable, vile, backstabbing network of witches is as depressing as what it gets. The predictable outbursts usually follow on from the extreme stress suffered by myself from the stalking, theatre skits and gaslighting. It's better than suffering a public panic attack I suppose!
Hoo boy! I remember that feeling when my n-ex tried controlling me! From how I walked, spoke, dressed all the way to whether or not I had placed the tablecloth (even drop on all sides). Nothing was off limits, then I took myself out of the equation! Know what? No one else has any problems like that with me! EVER! So glad I found my Healthy!!
I'm pleased for you too, Bara.
It's like braking a spell using that phrase.
And we live happily ever after.
And they live unhappily ever after...
🤣🤣🤣
That is the point, a Narcissist is not happy unless they are unhappy.
narcissists are like venomous spiders.. you can’t keep them 🕷️
My way of dealing with my ex is to ignore him. Even selling the house he wants control even against the judge ruling. Real sick people. Press the ignore button and be happy. Something they can never have my peace is priceless.
i have learned that narcissism is a mental mechanism the an individual has adopted that allows them to be correct in whatever they do because they have decided that opposition to them is your or someone else's fault. No one can win that defense so they are virtually incurable!
Very true. Add in an ASD diagnosis (mine) and in their mind that means that they are always right🙄
The past 4 months have been the best of my life after deciding to walk away from my mother's narcissistic manipulative behavior that I have been under since I was 5 years old. I feel as if a 300,000 lbs cross has been lifted off my back. Thank you Sir for your advice and thank you everyone for sharing your stories as it helps me realize that I am not alone in this journey. May Yahuwah Almighty bless you all. ❤❤❤❤
It’s been 6 months since I went no contact with my mother, I felt the relief and tension lift from my body like heavy fog every single day, like spiritual awakening! I’m grateful for drs who discuss this subject matter and those of you who share your experiences and thoughts because I know I am not alone ❤
Tty this. When a narcissist is talking, give him/her an expressionless and totally blank stare. It will disarm them and watch them fidget.
To enhance the blank look, stare at its forehead just above the eyebrows
I laughed at this. My husband said to me last week, "I can't read your eyes anymore." It really throws him.
Dr. Carter, PHD, Gus board-certified therapist, consultant, and confidant without saying a word and no official training. 😊 He growls and shows his teeth. when he meets a narc. Smart dog!
I love your Gus, thanks dude, I will remember the man with the plan, my community rules, the comments, or helpful, what moments of joy, man dude ,your questions or off the charts, don't stop asking, ,Gus rules,
I'm talking about, I got to be here in this community, thanks for me being in this community at my state of mind, a good memory until my last breath, my Doctor C, my doggie Gus
Nah! The zen doggo just walks away.
@@valerieh84 Or Gus falls asleep. 😀
Yeh my control was to back away, but I've been branded dramatic, emotional, sensitive et cetera When I was still locked into trying to communicate with them they called me aggressive, angry, detached from reality. There was only ever one option available to me if i wanted to be in the family. Collapse into their narratives. Any attempt to raise an issue and communicate leads to more labels and cold shouldering. Which they also DENY. Such a head wreck
They aren't going to let you help or help you figure it out. They are secretive by nature.
I have experience that in my family as well. It sure is a head wreck. We have to find our way in the isolated feeling of that not having a voice to make you feel. I’m reading the comments and it’s great. One person said, I have peace now that not around it and they enjoy their day, so I think that’s a focus. Best to try and start to enjoy our own lives and make her own lives the way we want them to be. And feel happy that the chaos is gone.
The only way you can get them to go along with you is if you revert to their own way of constantly manipulating gossiping controlling them... Which good normal people just dont do. 😂
They are very emotionally immature and mentally limited. They can be intellectually very sharp so they think they're intelligent but their psyche is fractured and their emotional intelligence is underdeveloped and disconnected so there's no cohesion.
The worst is when they get in a group and theyve decided youre the root cause of all their issues. They're dangerous and will stop at nothing to convince everyone and anyone that youre the devil incarnate
Let them be out of control. Don't care whatever happens to them. 😁
Easier said than done, Yukio 😅
You've got humor 😂 🙏
He tried to "control" the way I did (of all things) the dishes! I ignored him & continued to do the dishes my way.
You do you! 🌹
My nex was like that about almost everything. One peculiarity he had was insisting on having two flat sheets to cover up with. It made making the bed harder, and just seemed nuts to me.
@@Hatbox948 I'm struggling with BP and I just found mine salting my food for prep again. They know, they know. I am keeping my cool, I won't eat more than a couple bites. I called him out. He is also finding ways to add butter. I bought asparagus and prepped it. He waited until it was grilled and added butter but I am not going to eat tablespoons of butter because he decides I need it. And I am sorry, if anyone feels that is acceptable behavior to ask of me! I am not doing it. I feel like he is waiting for me to react and trying to gain control by my compliance.
@@An-mei It seems worse than just control . It could jeopardize your health. You have a right to be upset.
@@Hatbox948 I have felt isolated and (no words) when I confided this to a friend and they told me the benefits of eating butter! I don't see any benefit in it, my bad. In food, okay. Telling me all I need to do is consume more salt and eat butter to improve my health, I don't agree.
My narcissist has been married the entire two and a half years we’ve lived together, we moved in when I thought divorce was imminent (lol) and for the duration of our relationship he has fully financially supported her (she’s not employed) while I support myself entirely. I didn’t expect this dynamic. I’m not allowed to bring it up. Ever. Any time I’ve tried I get horribly emotionally abused. There is no empathy or understanding of my bewilderment and pain at this odd situation. I’m learning to detach lately, watching videos such as these, and it makes me sad. Because the more I detach emotionally from him, the less I love him. In order to protect myself, I had to fall out of love. And now I can really see him for the strange, shrieking, controlling narcissist bully that he is. It’s heartbreaking.
I'm moving further along in this direction daily! My inward source of strength comes from my spiritual connection with my Heavenly Father who DOES love me!
Happy Mother's Day to all you mom's out there! ⚘️
You as well 🌷
Thank you, Hatbox. That's very kind of you❣
Hi Hatbox. Nicely said👍I think we have a different date for Mothers day in the UK than in USA and elsewhere.
Hope you are ok
@@sturobertson6791 I am okay. Thank you!
God bless. Happy mother's day 🌹
I've told my soon to be ex wife never to contact me ever again and ALL correspondence to the lawyer only.
Fortunately we don't have kids.
3:48 this is so important. We have to focus on ourselves, our happiness and our joy.
Radical acceptance!😂
“I CAN’T CONTROL THAT!!!!” Hi to Gus!
Ditto and love u Gus 💓 💗 💖 ❤ 💛 💕
Magnificent gratitude beautiful SOULS, thanks 4 being here and helping me find strength through leaving 42 years of CONTROL 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉 Yippee yippee whoooooo I am FREE❤
Good morning everyone and blessings for another day and enlightment of today's discussion on a narcissistic brainwashing person... And Happy Mother's Day in advance to all the Queen's!!
Many thanks for your kindness and good wishes. Wishing health and blessings for everyone!
Dr C. I feel like I have my narcissistic parents in my head. At 66 I feel like I can’t control my head. I will not hurt me, and I want to. My mothers chronic suicidal threats and patterns of action are in my head as I heal from leaving many narcissistic relationships I am leaving these past few years. It’s big! I am doing it. They want me to fail to need them again. Control by collateral damage installed when i fear my personal struggle will need them. I don’t. And I won’t. And I go at me instead. Unraveling from the inside out. Thank you Dr C for holding truth to keep my decency to me and enjoy others again.
I live in Australia but I wish I lived just down the road from you so that I could shake your hand and thank you in person for all the wise advice, freely given. And for those of us who had to leave our four-legged friends behind in order to escape from loony narcissist world, thank you for having Gus in your videos. Bless you Dr. C.
Maybe one day!
Currently 37 weeks pregnant & just learning I have been in a narc relationship for yrs! I can’t get away physically just yet so this video is exactly where I am @ until I CAN ! Thank U For This Video 😩🤰💪😓
I learned, slowly, but it is still not fun. But I have learned that superficial engagement, reverting to the Southern manner of saying exactly what I am going to do or what I think. The smile makes her insane. My MIL is going down and trying to take everyone with her. I'm a Christian woman, retired nurse, and a realist. We are going to get through this.
Can you say more about “the Southern manner”? I’m curious how it’s done ❤
I can’t control you, so
I won’t. Wow that feels good 😊
You’re a gem, Dr. Carter!
Thank you for sharing your wisdom, and making such an effort to help us empaths understand how to look out for ourselves when dealing with narcissists.
We’re lucky to have you.
I control myself, it's not possible to control the narcissist: I stopped trying, what a relief! (No contact since Easter 2024!)
This is so true, I can’t control them, but I know to not ever argue, just remain calm,,, politely get away. I have a narc, I have to communicate with at work,, and it’s only 4 months until I retire,,, I am a very strong woman and I know enough not to play there game. Very good advice , thank you for sharing your knowledge!❤
I’m following your advice to the letter Dr C and the narcissist is now begging me to “fall back in love with him”. Um, sorry I can’t do that because I no longer feel love for him after 20 plus years of abuse. I’ll remain on friendly terms if he’s civil to me and carry on living according to my values of decency and truth. Thank you 🤗
Gray rock works best when they leave & if he does stay, watch your back because he’ll up the game by cheating, beating, etc. especially be careful of financial abuse & separate accounts plz
Thank you. I’ve actually got divorce papers drawn up now and I’m deciding when he will receive them. I’m certain he’ll increase his abuse once he knows it’s over and I’m figuring out how to keep myself safe before proceeding.
@@foxglove589well done, foxglove
Love your videos! I appreciate how you encourage your viewers to find their own personal freedom and power rather than simply talking about the narcissist's behavior. Thank you!
Non attachment
Yeah ok but everyone here is a codependent by definition and very likely insecurely attached but not dismissive avoidant like narcs.
Let go and accept them for who they are, accept that you and they are both going to be who each are, accept that the best compromise is accept the futility for what it is and that you can take empowered action for your peace by...letting go
Your videos have been my cushion soft landing, so uncanny how timely they are! Almost as if you know i just exited a conflict with the narcissist in my life. Please tell your family THANK YOU for sharing you with us. We are blesded to have you on our team ❤ This includes Gus, bless his heart.
Thank you for taking the time to reply,your input is appreciated as it is continually tough
This is probably one of the most frustrating things people say on a regular basis to me: "you can't control X," generally meaning another person. I'm at a complete loss as to why anyone on this planet thinks I have ever believed I can control another person. I don't remember ever believing or thinking I could control another person. In fact, I have been lectured almost equally for *saying* I could not control other people or saying I did not believe it was my role to even attempt to control other people. I'm so tired of being told, "You cannot control other people." At the same time, I've also been exhorted from birth, particularly by my church, on the many ways I was supposed to somehow change other people's behavior. Through example, through love, through correction, through long-suffering patience, through preaching, etc., and if none of those worked, somehow I was the failure. When I said, "That's not going to work; the only people who can change themselves is the person themself because they want to change," instead of being lauded as wise, I got chastised for my negative, unChristlike, lacking-in-faith attitude. I have to say, when it comes to changing other people, my attitude remains the same and is probably even worse. Would I like the power to be able change other people? You bet. Do I think that's a wise power to give people? No. I'd like to rule the universe and be able to make everything go exactly as I want, too. Would that be good for me? Almost certainly not. But, boy, would I love to be able to make some people change. Life would be so much less stressful.
Addictions like food, drugs and alcohol have never been tempting but I can sure see why power over others would be a very slippery, dangerous slope. People have told me my whole life I'm a very patient person. I have not agreed with them and after 60 plus years dealing with narcissists, I feel like I've utterly run out of any shred of patience so the temptation to just zap people if I had the power would be very strong.
Unfortunately, the narcissist is my eldest adult daughter. We haven't spoken in 3 years because she cut contact with me after I lent her $20,000.00. She's not letting me see my grandchildren. It hurts.
Well some children use your grandchildren for ransom .been there
I become scarce. I’ve never had any interest in controlling a narcissist, similar in that I’ve never wanted to be a [people] manager. I’m an introvert anyway. Only control I care about, is over myself. When I feel someone trying to manipulate and control me, I let them be them - somewhere else.
Power of paradox-I love this -I’ve been doing this for 20years-never had a name for it--trust yourself-Dr Carter is awesome
Glad it resonated!
You can detach but the hits keep on coming. You need a psychological shield so that you have zero response to their tantrums (shitty solicitor communications trying to control through fear). I am waiting for him to be consumed by his own darkness. God fights my battles for me.
They keep asking for help its things to keep you occupied constantly. If you get frustrated. They get blame shifting that well you are the problem and neglecting them.
So what ?
That's their problem.
Narcs are the worst 🤮 thanks for the education
"Narcissists will invalidate your internal strength"
Yep. I have been told that I was people pleaser and weak and unmanly when I tried to have basic civility.
I missed the mantra I can control their reactions, so I won't.
I would also love for you to do a video on why it seem impossible to forgive a Narcissist. Especially one that continues to do on going damage to your life, specifically severe parental alienation that leads to estrangement with one’s only child. My mother methodically tore my image down and over time my once beautiful and scared connection with my son has now reached the point where he doesn’t see any value, credibility and shows no respect or any regard for me his mother. His loyalties have shifted to my mother. She stole my role as the parent/mother figure as she undermined and sabotaged all my attempts to be the mother. I worked so hard to advocate, maintained 200% involvement and went above and beyond trying to help my son to the point where I lost my self completely. The time and energy it took to fiercely fight for the well being of my son who is in the AS and not getting any help from anyone but instead was countered with refusal to align herself with my efforts she has done so much damage to the point where my son resents me now for everything I’ve tried to do. She told him he wasn’t autistic, I take things way too far, encourages his gaming addiction and got him to reject all the things I taught him, and all she ever did was occasionally prepare a simple meal for him while I was still at work. All transportation I did, all the legal battles I fought, all the people I stood in defense of him for, all my efforts to be the best mother to my son that I could be was demolished by this now 80 year old woman who plays the victim card, elicits feeling of empathy and compassion from my 16 yr old son that has not one ounce of those things for me, watched my parents and believed the lies of his father and his GF about me and now I’m treated like I’m nothing more than crap on the sole of one’s shoe, dismissed, ignored, deemed incompetent, perceived as a religious fanatic when I consider myself an average church goer who has little time left over to even get involved in Church or so exhausted that I barely even have time to read the scriptures and have only been able to teach my son the most basic principles of the Christian Faith due to my mothers repulsion of my mothers own faithless and Godless world view. At every point I’ve been so cur down to such small pieces that I’ve become nothing more than an older sister figure that has been scapegoated and treated with contempt and like I don’t even exist. Like that slow boil where the frog end up cooked to death the same has taken place with me. By the time I realized about the relentless efforts my mother took to destroy my relationship with my son the damage had been done and now the abuse not only comes from her but also from him. I couldn’t even introduce my own newly fostered kitten to my family without them criticizing all my efforts to integrate a new little creature to our other cat, my Mother had to dictate the entire experience and even asked my son in front of me what he thought we should do since I have no idea about what I am doing and I going to mess everything up!!! I then had to lie in order to do what I wanted by telling them both that it was the foster parent that advised me on how to proceed with the introduction of a new kitten to a new household and then they backed off. It went as smoothly as can be once they backed off, and just a couple weeks ago I revealed to my mother that the entire time I was making decisions about how to conduct a greeting with our new older cat and how it went so smoothly that it was in fact me that was driving the ship and not the foster parent. I could see the contempt and disdain in her face and she didn’t utter a single word back. I left 3 weeks ago because I couldn’t bare the treatment from either anymore.
This was excellent
You seem to be a little under the weather
I will be praying for your recovery
You have saved my sanity
No words can describe my gratitude
I embrace the freedom I am learning from your knowledge
Oh definitely Dr Carter. I have definitely got that straight with me and narc. First of all, I never wanted to " control " people. And I can't allow anyone to " take" or try to control me. Been through that before. I'm older and I can't " study " that with them. I walk away when a cycle of crap starts. I don't have to explain or justify it. That choice belongs to me. They chose how they will be. If there is respect and accept that they can't control my life and all about me, and cause stress and turmoil, disengage. I have to take care of me. ❤❤❤
I realised lately how important it is to learn to be ok with other people not being ok especially as a people’s pleaser. Just recently I made a decision to not participate with some activity with some friends and on the surface they even accepted that I didn’t have to explain myself for that. I still felt like they were really disappointed about them not getting what they wanted so I started explaining and excusing myself. Later I thought the way I did this wasn’t optimal and that I should have done something earlier to prevent that disappointment from happening, but then I realised the true problem was that I couldn’t stand the disappointment of other people and that this is what I really had to work on.
I hope to remember to come back to this video and watch it several times over days and weeks
Gray rock works & it’s how he gave up then left!
This gave me a great epiphany today, thank you. Every person in my life of this type thought they were giving away control, self-described generous people. But they all delegated everything and it had to be done their way. I got attached to being helpful and useful, and the abuse was about criticism of performance no matter how well I actually did.
Sounds right up my alley. I am working on this subject right now.
I can vouch for this mindset working well; the narcissist feels frustrated because you don't react how they want, and you get a feeling of inner contentment when you resolve to be "you". Thank you Dr. C.
Thank you! This is personally the most helpful video yet. The approach presented here will cost me a friendship dating back to childhood. But the sad truth I didn't want to see is that the friendship is over -- has been over -- for some time. My friend is currently, misguidedly, abusing a disabled family member. Instead of arguing with her, I need to report her. My friend was abused by her parents and, later, for many years by her first husband. Yet my friend won't admit to her own childhood abuse or seek psychological help. That's the crux of the problem. Fundamentally my friend is a well-meaning person. But she'll never forgive me for turning her in to the local authorities. I can't forgive myself if I don't.
Because of listening to you over the years I successfully left and now live a FAB Life in Santa Fe where I rent the casita from a Navajo woman who recently rented her spare room out to "Crazy J". OMG! The first week this 35 yr old going on 13 says "I'm a TOXIC person" and then proved it. She's been here since Fall and is on her 6th job. I think she was very spoiled from a wealthy family. Her brother was at the scene of the "Rust" movie shooting. She should know better.
We deal with issues with a wipe board on the Fridge. What needs to be said is done without emotion....like "wash your dishes". Now she's "playing" her young BF so she can move in with him because "I'm mean". LOL
I can "deal" because I watch your videos. :)
My husband plays mean tricks on me both big and small depending on how much I try to be independent, so its not his words it's his actions.
It's cruel, it's a different code of living and best to see.
Sauce for the Goose is sauce for the Gander! In other words get your own back, if it's acceptable for him to do to you....... You can find your own sneaky ways to 'play mean tricks'. Incidentally not what I consider playing!
@penijoni1316 I feel that more than ever.
Just saw a quote that seems to resonate here: "A narcissist expects you to be okay with the things they wouldn't be okay with."
@penijoni1316. Yes, they use the rising volume of their voice and the tone of their voice to use that to control. Realize this in the moment. Do not react to their volume or tone. Repeat your fact and be firm in your demand. Do not cave to any theatrics: voice; tone; eye rolls; tears; muttering. All of these hostilities are in their tool bag to break you down by making you anxious. Just don’t buy any of it and proceed with what you want or need and be firm.
agree, when they are in control or you cannot distance yourself, that is the only way to go; but they can even affect you when you are gone though rumours and stalking
Watching this reminded me of a saying " I am taking my shovel and pail and go play in another sandbox"
I was regularly told I was lying when I gave my opinion on anything, especially how I felt about how I felt about how I was being treated . I would then be told how I really felt and the hidden reason why I said what I said.
Awesome advice, Dr. Carter. Thank you...enjoy your weekend ❤
She screams " that's not what you think your a liar".. Ok Dr.C. here we go ..I can't control that so I won't. Repeat...I can't control that so I wont. repeat..😊
I think you're catching onto the concept!
"I can't control you so I won't", committing it to my memory Dr. C, another armour isn't it Team Healthy, many thanks again and again🙏🌷🕊💝🤗
I did this and it triggered the final discard.
My MIL is constantly trying to claw back control from my husband. As she gets more desperate, she's definitely getting more dangerous. She's a compulsive gambler and even wrecked the car we bought her, so he would buy her another one (he hasn't). I feel like I'm taking crazy pills every time she calls with the latest insane incident. But The Doc's advice is so true, we can't control the situation, so we won't. She's an adult, and she makes her own decisions--for better, but normally, for worse.
Dr C your an example of a life well lived by service to others, and making a difference, thank you 😊
Get the hell away as much as you can!
Iron sharpens iron Watch and Pray 🙏
I decided to preempt his demands by making a few of my own. He doesn’t respect me but cares very much what others think of him. So I will say my brother had a good idea. My mom thinks… my sister our daughter etc…
I’m counting the days right now. My 2 and a half year sentence is almost over! Only 2 weeks left of sitting in a room at work for 8 hours a day with an impossible narcissistic female. I am SO EXHAUSTED after those years. Until I started figuring out what’s going on thanks to Dr. Carter I was totally lost and depressed, sometimes I felt I was losing my mind and my own self in the process. I experienced everything with her, from narcissistic “love”, through lack of trust and loyalty on every level, deception and heartbreak up to process of disengagement that took me a better part of last year. I am a shell of a human that I used to be, I almost lost my marriage but now I’m almost free. Can’t wait!!!
Oh, and my marriage is better now than it ever was. If we managed to endure this we can manage everything else in life with my beautiful wife. So I feel I learnt something from this horrible experience.
I fell into this method of coping only after a couple of years of hitting my head against a brick wall. But it worked, sort of. I was still shackled to him for a while because I had not seen actions he earlier took as attempts to control me. Actions I originally understood as him acting out of the goodness of his heart 🙄🙄🙄 Live and learn! Really, if you have never before met someone like this, it is hard to wrap your head around them and their wacky way of thinking!
I've been married to a narcissist wife for 15 years. She recently threatened me into letting her mother come live with us in our small house. We have a 3 year old girl and the situation as unbearable. The two of them working together day and night to accuse me is just too much and it affects my ability to be a strong father for my child. It's soon to affect my career as well because I cannot tune them out.
When I choose no contact , I’ll remember that mantra- “I can’t control that narcissist so I won’t “
This is an answer to my prayers on how to deal with my daughter. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
❤❤❤ As a corollary, don't ask for their help. At least, this seems to be working very well for me.