Yes - I finally reached that point. My mother is making very bad choices - but I finally realize they are her choices to make - and she must deal with the consequences. Unless or until she is deemed incompetent, she gets to chose how to live her life. As awful and stupid as those choices are.
Move out....or get a job. Toxic aging parents....unfortunately they'll see their sons/daughters as lifelong caretakers. If you want your kids to leave the nest...then you can't hold them back at the same time and you gotta let them spread their wings.
Protect others and document their refusals. You are liable for what you know if you do nothing. A good example is anonymous reporting to the DMV for a driving ability test.
@@claudiacanales2662 Everyday I wake up knowing life and my role to my parents has basically changed forever. If you try to think about what this means all at once you'll go crazy. There's no going back.
Honestly. After many years of struggle… I realized it’s their life and their decisions. If they make bad ones and it cuts their life short it’s their decision… stop fighting it. Not worth the stress
I am in the same place you are Jeri! My husband & I help when my Mom accepts it, & when she reverts to her bad behavior, disrespect, incorrect perception that she is "independent," & severe obstinence, we take a short break from her & then resume being available. It's a constant off & on game & it's AWFUL. But she refuses to own her dysfunction & has never been accountable nor cooperative in her life. Her late spouse enabled such behavior, which created quite a monster as a result. We have finally detached as much as we can emotionally to protect our health on all levels, but we still help when she allows it, & we are kind & "act" like all is well. I pray daily God will take her immediately. She's a person who has been given literally everything she wants for decades, but she is still miserable. May God strengthen, bless & guide you in your journey with your Mom !
Part of it is accepting the situation and the way a person is regardless of the situation be it stubborn, arrogant, etc. It's not an all or nothing decision or feeling.
Agree with this video, but the problem is if you're the responsible child then you'll be picking up the pieces when everything falls apart. It puts you in a situation of either turning your head because of your parent's (possibly bad) choices OR just waiting until the s**t hits the fan and then having to do additional work because your parent refused to be proactive and make changes ahead of time.
I agree. I believe it is important to address the problems as we see them. My observations and questions are often met with defensiveness. I understand that older people want to maintain their independence and autonomy, but it also prevents change even when it would be good such as strength training or Tai Chi for balance and coordination. The suggestions are dismissed. Exercise is important at any age.
@@claudiacanales2662 I also think it comes down to having a conscience. Some simply don't care and look the other way. If you have a conscience, you're not going to be able to do that. All the best to you.
In a lot of cases though it’s not that they refuse help, they just expect YOU to be that help at all costs. My dad is utterly alone and for the most part has himself to blame for it. It didn’t seem to be a problem while he was healthy ( which he kept a strict regiment to be), Working ( successful construction company he built from the ground up), and independent( Beautiful two-story lakefront home). But six years ago when he was in his mid-70s he was plagued with an overwhelming amount of health problems. Caught a bad flu, which turned to pneumonia, shortly after diagnosed with an auto immune disease, and to top all that off was diagnosed with stage 4 melanoma. It was a lot to take, for both of us. To see the once invincible man I knew my whole life be reduced to a shuffling skeleton was a hard pill to swallow. I knew if he lost his independence he was finished so I’ve done everything in my power since then to give him the space to make his own decisions and treat him like an adult. Which isn’t easy to do when the person you’re trying to help lives in the middle of nowhere, down a 3 mile dirt road, 25 minutes from the nearest town, and an hour at least from most dr appointments. And just like before his stubbornness, temper, and selfishness has become absolutely unbearable. The same traits that drove my brother ( only sibling) to the other side of the country with minimal contact, contributed in part to my mothers raging alcoholism and later suicide, and has driven off almost every other friend and family member. When I say I’m doing it alone I mean it. Drive him to his specialists. Put all his bills on auto pay and keep an eye on his accounts. Maintenance the house and yard. Move the boat dock when the lake levels rise and fall. Cook for him when I can because if not it will be a crap TV dinner. Cover for him with the doctors on the multiple times he’s been admitted to the hospital by saying that I’ll be with him 24/7 when I know I can’t. Have changed diapers, bandaged wounds, administered oxygen, and wiped his drooling lip more times than I can count. His living situation is not safe. He still tries to drive and it’s not safe. Almost everything he attempts to do is not safe. I am in a constant state of worry and stress when I’m not with him, and when I am with him I’m in a constant state of frustration and angst. He’s my dad and I love him but when is enough enough? He’s currently in the hospital with pneumonia again, aspirating food which could be a feeding tube situation, is definitely going to need oxygen, and also had an acute heart attack which means surgery is in the future. He was barely capable of working his flip phone properly and now this. The doctors, as they always do, are inching him back to a stable state and are talking about releasing him next week. He is already talking about “ when I get out and get back to the house we’re gonna need to…” and I’m about ready to scream. His location makes any kind of home health assistance a brief glimpse or nonexistent. Getting him into a rehab after hospital visits it’s like pulling teeth with insurance. And my family “ I’m so sorry you have to deal with this” is about as good as it gets. I have a wife and three kids. A full-time job and a house payment. Coach youth soccer and volunteer hours at the school. A multitude of responsibilities and people depending on me that I have put on the back burner a lot of times and put my life on hold so he can have just a little bit more of his…..his way. That’s what brought me here and I hope I can manifest some of this information into something positive. My mom‘s alcoholism I witnessed as a child made me vow as an adult that my kids would never see me drunk, and they haven’t. This situation as an adult has made me vow when/if I become a senior citizen I will never put any of my kids through this. And besides my wonderful and understanding wife the only place I have to talk about it is the emptiness of an online comment section. Ain’t that something.
I pretty much have the same issue but not as deep. My stepdad had gotten sick last January and was in the hospital. Last July I had lower back surgery for a pilinidal Cyst. Once I started to get better is right around the time they released him. At first my brother,sister,and mom asked if I could help a few days a week and I said I suppose until I got back to work considering my back still kinda hurt a little but I wasn't so fond of him and his ways I.E. Everything has to be perfect, and everybody was on his time etc. Now about 8mths in and now they all have full time jobs with locked schedules and I'm here about 6 1/2 days consecutive and not back to work bc of it. My only "off day" is Sunday when my sister gets here around 12pm. It's causing me to feel trapped and causing like anxiety bc I live with my younger brother and rn he's working 2 jobs to keep up with the bills and I stress about all that on top of having deal with cleaning, cooking,meds,showering,pretty much his secretary,bed pan situation for bathroom,dishes,clothes,cleaning the apartment, keeping everything organized, keeping up with his doc appointments along with getting him ready for/going with him to said appointments. I pray it doesn't happen before I can get back to work, but I always worry about my brother getting burnt-out from school and both jobs. Nobody can quit their job to take care of him,I need to get back to work to help my brother and bc I want to return to a normal life,but he will not accept us getting him an in-home nurse. And I know it God forbid could be worse, but I just don't know what to do to deal with the situation and be able to return back to a normal life. No time to handle important things,not time to set up job interviews, absolutely no time to ever have a relationship, no time for friends except the 12 hours I get to be home (on a Sunday)but gotta be back here by 9am Monday Morning bc my sister has to go back to work. I'm glad I found this video and also found this thread.
I’m struggling with a similar situation. My mom seems to think her maintaining her independence trumps my needs and responsibilities to my own life which includes a husband, kids, and job. She’s married and one of my nephews does live near her, while I’m four states away, but she’s constantly complaining that she needs her daughter to care for her because men aren’t patient enough… but when I asked her to move in with me, at least until her health was more stable… she talks about all her friends and hobbies and so on that she can’t give up. But evidently, it makes perfect sense to her that me and my husband are supposed to relocate, leave our jobs, friends, kid’s schools and friends, etc to move to her less economically sound city so that I can be available whenever she seems no one else is good enough to help. But heaven forbid I make a suggestion like changing doctors or going to a different kind of specialist when it’s obvious to me she’s not getting the right kind of care! She won’t listen and berates me for “ treating her like she’s stupid.” And somehow I always end up feeling guilty because she’s making decisions that make it difficult to help her without completely sacrificing myself in the process.
@@ShauntelleHamlett And it's a blanket of stress . Like you're being torn by horses but instead of being torn it puts just enough pressure to make you scream. Sounds rough as a metaphor, but some days that's how it is
My mother lives with us. My issue is getting her to do things she's fully capable of doing, like dusting her bedroom, eating, bathing etc. She's losing muscle strength because she's not getting up and moving around, which makes her more dependent on me. I work full time from home but that doesn't mean I have a lot of time to do things she can do for herself.
@@FloridaGardeningdiva yep, and it's not like having a child, you can't say "well, I guess you don't eat then" etc. My mom wanted dentures, it was a fiasco and now she won't wear them! So at dinner time we have to blend her food. I got her a handheld immersive blender and didn't blend her food up, I told her she could do it! And she did but she looked very surprised at the change. Lol
Tell me about it I’m in a nightmare that is slowly getting worse with my mother. I love her to death we help each other with the rent but anytime I have to discuss the word money she gives me anxiety I don’t know what’s up with that word in her but it Center over the roof, even though I hope her with everything that I can.
Reading the comments is almost the best part of this video. I left Mum yesterday to fly back out to London where I work the same night she breaks her shoulder. Since she has fired her caretaker she now lies in bed with no-one looking after her. Managing things for her out of London is hell and I want to quit my job just to be closer to her. Which would be stupid at my age. Someone earlier described it as well - once I have a bit of distance, I worry and feel guilty, once I’m there to try to help, frustrated, angry and upset as well. Thanks all for sharing these comments are full with soul for me.
Thank you for your kind words. Eventually she fell and broke her shoulder meaning that she needed to go into emergency care, where she stayed for 6 months and hated it. She recently moved into assisted living, which was the best for everyone. Obviously I am really relieved, but I think to an extend so is she. With sadness of course to accept her need for help, but at least she is in good care now. @@stealthwarrior5768
My dad, keeps falling. Complaining he might fall. I drive 1000 miles, buy him a walker, he refused to use it. He complained he couldn't get down low enough to sit on the toilet. I buy a high seat with handles, his answer was get that out of here! He complained he was worried he'd fall in the shower. I bought a shower chair and a grab handle for the shower. He yelled, get that out! Finally he fell, broke his hip, in rehab for 6 weeks. On and on the saga goes. Now he wants me to come out because his foot hurts. Last time I was out for 8 weeks, he absolutely refused for me to get hired help lined up so he'd have help just a phone call away. Nope, I'm the phone call away.
this sounds like my situation. She is five hours away and does not want to be a burden on me (moving closer), or does not want the stress of moving. She needs help with everyday activities, and keeping one insurance, using the phone, making decisions, because she either doesn't make one, or changes her mind often. She likes any change to be her decision, I am fine with that, of course, if she would make them and stick to them.
My grandma uses a stroller in her home...she has carpet...she insists to put rugs down. Rugs she can slip on, rugs her nurse has told her to remove, rugs I have to tape down. Because she's scared of dirt or water then complain about almost tripping. I give up!
I went thru it a very long time. . You need to pray...God shows you how to make it through when you ask for help...that is absolutely how to do it...:)
I think I might fall into the "waited too long" category. I've left voice messages for several elder care agencies this morning to get advice on how to get help for my parents-no return calls yet. Out of complete desperation, my mom asked me to pick up her prescriptions yesterday as she had been out of her meds for almost a week. My stepdad is very ill with terminal cancer and my mom is his caregiver. They both appeared to be in very poor condition, physically, when I visited yesterday. They have socially isolated themselves for years prior to the pandemic. It's probably been a decade since they had any visitors to their house aside from me, and I'm only allowed to stand at the front door, no one is allowed to enter the home. My mom is mortified of their hoarding issues, is partially disabled and is now having trouble with things like fixing meals and bathing. Her clothes were all ripped up thanks to a puppy my mom decided to adopt about 6 months ago. It's a german shepherd puppy, and it is completely untrained and is presenting a huge hazard to their safety. She has said that the dog has tripped her before. I suspect the puppy was a way to have an excuse to keep them living in the house. I can hear my mom now, "I can't move to a little apartment with a big dog! The dog has to have a yard!" 😣 I did get eyes on my stepdad, he looked terrible, but was awake and able to stand up to say hello. He did not participate in the conversation, and I suspect that two years of chemo have left him mentally impaired. Both of their cars are broken down now, so they are completely dependent on delivery services for groceries. They haven't taken the trash to the curb since last September. I don't know where they are storing all their garbage, but they are definitely storing it somewhere in the house. I'm one sibling of 6, and the other 5 kids are estranged. A part of me wants to just pretend everything is fine, they are adults who can make their own decisions. There's another part of me that knows that I'm the one who will have to deal with any aftermath of a crisis and would really prefer to avert that crisis first. I suppose that is selfish of me to want them to bend to my will for my comfort. I think I'm going to have to get some authorities involved, but I wish there was another way. I've been using "I" statements when talking about helping them move to a safer home, but it doesn't matter. My mom, who is in control of everything--money, access, medical care, etc.-- keeps pretending that everything will be better soon and she'll just take care of getting them moved into an apartment herself. She's had magical thinking for as long as I can remember, but this just seems beyond the pale for what she says she thinks is going to happen moving forward. "When [stepdad] is better..." is how most of our conversations go when talking about me helping them move. Sorry for the novel length comment. I have friends who have had to help their parents transition to senior living, but in those cases, the parents were in agreement that help was needed. My mom, however, is waiting for Jesus to show up and make everything perfect for her. I wonder, though, if Jesus --in the flesh-- showed up, if she would accept his help? Probably not...
My mother will never, ever accept any kind of help other than her daughters'. She has said so herself. I doubt even a serious fall and bazillions of broken bones will ever ever ever change her mind. In Canada there is no legal recourse for this type of situation. You can't force help on a person over 18 who is of sound mind enough to make their own decisions, even if said decision might eventually lead to an accident or even more ill health. Good luck to anyone living this situation. It's hell.
I am in this exact situation. It is very difficult coming across someone who has/is living this situation. The physical, emotional, and mental toll it takes on you in monumental.
I'm living this exact situation right now. She even fell 6 weeks ago and broke her shoulder. I stayed with her at the hospital and when she got home, she didn't want any caregivers there - except me (I live 2 miles from her) or my two sisters who live out of state and can't come. She doesn't want strangers in her home, caring for her, cooking her meals, cleaning her house, helping her in any way. No meal delivery services, no house cleaners, no Visiting Angels, no nothing. Even when neighbors bring food, she dumps it in the trash. Like in your situation, no amount of broken bones or anything will change her mind on outside help. It's her daughters or no one and we're all older with health problems of our own.
In the end you can only do so much and our parents have no choice but be helped by others. When we were kids tgey sent us to school and childcare so they could work but now they expect us to have their care 24/7. It's just not realistic.
@@stealthwarrior5768 You nailed it! My mother expects me to quit my job, let my house go into foreclosure, abandon my husband, and move 1,200 miles so I can be her live in care taker. When I said "no", she became furious and stopped taking my calls. I guess she forgot that 20 years ago when her own mother was old, Mom didn't drop everything to go care for her... My Grandma had a live in healthcare worker.
@@diana6842 Ditto - my mother will not accept any help from a professional... she wants me to do it. (me: 62 year old disabled vet who lives in another state)
My 80 year old mothers power is out. We had a bad storm last night. I’m about 1 hour away. One of my daughters is 30 minutes away. My daughter took her a cooler with ice and cold drinks. My mother has made it clear that she will not go to our homes. It really hurt ! I could never ever refuse my children s help. I love them so much I just can’t hurt them. See my dad left my mom & me when I was 2. So I’ve been the one to care for her over the years. I’ve felt it was my responsibility. Even when she had another daughter out of wedlock when I was 10 I still felt like I was responsible. I would work to help buy groceries. And I cleaned the house from the time I was 6/7. I started mowing the grass at around 9 years old so my mother would not have to do it after she worked at sears all week to support us. My mother doesn’t realize that I want her to have independence. I want her to have a car and money. So she can go buy anything she wants. I would fix up a beautiful tiny house for her she doesn’t have to live with me. I want better for her. I have lived in this home for 6 years now. She came out one time. We needed her. And she came to watch our dogs for 5 days. After 3 she left and we had to come home early. I have no idea why. We had everything she could possibly want. My youngest daughter was here too. It was the last time she saw my youngest daughter. I guess she will never see her again. My daughter is in her last year of graduate school now and plans to live in another state. We also plan to move to that state. So my mother will be very Alone then. Because I’m a flight away at that point. And I am not supposed to fly. I have a spinal cord stimulator implant due to a spin injury from a plane crash and from arthritis. But I’ll fly to come help her. I guess I have no choice. Because she refuses to allow me to set her up in a really nice place with help near by. I have given it much thought. And moving to where my daughter is the best option for me. I hope my oldest will follow. We are going to buy a larger home and property where we have room. There is definitely room for my mother. But she will never come. She lives in a very high crime city And she’s not safe. But it’s her choice. She chooses high crime and extreme hardship over me her daughter who would really like to spend some days enjoying her company. It’s sad! Who dose that ? On one hand you have a little house worth nothing an old car that probably doesn’t have much longer to run in a very dangerous high crime area when you could go live with your daughter where she could decorate a gorgeous tiny home give you a newer nicer car. Even money she you would never have to worry about bills or anything again. But you choose high crime over family and real freedom. This worry will be the death of me.
Release it. (This is easier said than done, I know. I'm also talking to myself.) Remember this with your own children, do better with your own children. Use this seemingly closed door to ensure you remain open to the ones who active and positively love you. 😘
Something you touched on is so important and needs to be really looked at, changed, or something. It's about Adult Protective Services. First, I need to tell you a little about my dad. He's an abusive narcissist hoarder. Before he lost his home, it was a horror. No electricity worked, rats chewed through the wires, no refrigeration, heating, air conditioning, and junk piled to the ceiling with small paths through them. Floors were falling through in areas. This all spilled to the outside of the home and covered 2 full acres. On top of that, he has MS and diabetes, and is in his early 70s and literally sometimes has to crawl from the living to his bed. He is also mentally ill, and said that one of his grandchildren planned to shoot and kill him. I heard that conversation and it's not even close to true. He's burned all his bridges, of course and now he's living in a travel trailer in a park and the living conditions are already just as bad as in the house he was in. So, my mom (who is separated from him and lives with me, the "scapegoat") and my sister have both tried to help him to hire someone to do repairs, cleanup, and eventually suggested retirement home. All of these things he refuses to this day. He refuses all senior resources like Meals on Wheels and transportation, etc. We have called Adult Protective Services (the point of my post), and they went out to talk to him and give him pamphlets, telling him resources and help available to him, etc. And he listened and they left but of course, my dad just throws it in the garbage, refusing help. Here's the problem I have with Adult Protective Services and why I am so grateful for your video. They were NO HELP to us. They were simply too focused on "he has his rights to live how he wants"... I said "But he owns several guns and he's mentally ill, and afraid his grandson wants to kill him! Isn't there SOMETHING we can do based on that for safety of others, himself?" they said the only thing we can do is take him to court to get conservatorship but that it's expensive and hard to do. This didn't come from just one visit and team that went out to his house, it came from THREE. The same thing.... there is simply nothing we can do. Our dad lost all the money he had and then out of the blue sold his house without anyone knowing for pennies on the dollar for what it was worth, not giving any of us a chance to at least buy it and turn it over. But, that's beside the point except to say that there is no money left for the court that APS said we need. Nothing. We're left with only one option. Take his abuse to get him to his doctors appointments and to bring him food and take a verbal pounding while doing it. That's IT!! And, as Wayne Dryer has said "allowing yourself to be abused is an act of abuse". Seriously, he is VERY verbally abusive. The one person that takes it well is my poor mom. And, I know that with things how they are and the experience I've had with Enablers Anonymous, is that she is probably hurting him more than helping him by helping him at all. BUT, in your video you gave options I didn't know about and I am definitely going to make calls. So I want you, and others to know just how unhelpful APS is to families in situations like this. (or, how they CAN be, I'm sure that some are more helpful than our experiences with them, somewhere). And I think this needs to be addressed. I'm going to write some letters and do what I can, but I wanted to get this out there. Thank you so much for your wonderful advice, it's just what we needed!
@God Wins wow, that's such a hard horrible situation! You are right! Most people don't want APS to get involved out of some fear. They don't realize that APS can be a great advocate. However, because of its voluntary nature, the staff can't always help, their hands are tied. But I do applaud you for looking towards APS for help. I do have one suggestion regarding getting conservatorship. Yes it is expensive, (several thousand dollars) and takes time (6-12 months). If cost is prohibiting you from pursuing this, there are ways that you can apply for conservatorship without paying an attorney (if you meet the financial criteria). Do an internet search for " Superior court conservatorship" and look for the self help section. You should be able to locate the forms necessary to apply for conservatorship by yourself, without using an attorney. Each county should also have a Legal Aid department that can assist with this process and they often have workshops to help walk you through the process. You might also be able to find a Legal Assistant who can help with the process, instead of an attorney, at a fraction of the cost. Even though the process could be free, there are still court costs associated with obtaining conservatorship. Again, if you yourself are low income, you can ask the court to waive these fees. As as far as the time it takes.....well, time is going to pass whether you are going through the process of conservatorship or not and dad will still need this intervention in 6-12 months, so may as well get started now! I hope this was helpful info. Keep us posted on how it goes!
I've cleaned up all the extra unneeded stuff in my mom's home. At least that's done. But she has a phobia of moving. She told me once she'd rather die than move. The more I accept that her wishes are her's then I feel at peace. Yes it's tough to see her ailing and falling at times but that's what she wants is to live in her own home. I live with her. I'm the only sibling that helps. My other sisters refuse to help because of PTSD issues from our past. So it's all on me. She has balance issues and has fallen four times within a year and a half. I'm thinking once she recovers from this recent fall I'll get her in swim therapy class to help w balance and strength. Otherwise if she keeps falling idk what to do. I have to work. We can't afford to pay someone to be here. My life has been stunted because of my traumas from the past and now having to deal with this issue w my mom. My mom is a hermit. She has no friends and wants it that way. But all I can do is know that I'll be able to handle the future and maybe she will finally realize I need a life too besides just dealing with her. I feel sorry for her that her other adult children abandoned her. We've healed our issues with each other. I just hope I get help when I can't take this any longer.
Thank you. Thanks for letting me know I can't make my parent do something different even though I know it's not the safest. I feel like I am responsible but I am not.
I’m dealing with terrible stress and now health issues because my parents both are older and in bad health , can’t do anything around the huge 3,000 square foot house anymore and I’m stuck taking care of them but they won’t downsize and move to a smaller one level place. I’m 50 years old now and the house is in bad shape, filthy and full of junk everywhere in it. It took me 3 years to get them to do their wills and now it’s been taking me even longer to convince them the time to move is now. The stress is killing me big time and I don’t know what else to do. I’m the one who has the responsibility of handling this house when time comes to do so and I want to deal with it all now, not later down the road when I won’t physically be able to do anything anymore. I need some good advice on what I should do.
I'm pretty much in the same situation as you are, Dad has Apashia, Mom has some issues, I saw that they needed help about 6 months ago, came in and did a lot of things that needed to be done, things got a bit better but now are slipping again, I have to walk the fine line of trying to help them but not upset them and tick them off. I called an outfit that can come in and help with things, they met my parents, made some suggestions, but Mom read the literature and absolutely refuses to have them come in, doesn't "trust" anyone, but they don't take care of themselves like they need to, I try to talk to her about it and tell her we are only trying to help, not "bully" them into changes, but it is like pulling teeth. We are slowly cleaning up the house, like your parents they have junk all over, magazines, car parts, junk etc. We are slowly cleaning things up but my Mom wants to fight us most of the time, "don't throw that out", "what are you doing with that?" but we just tell her this stuff HAS to be done and we do it, but we tell her all the time "we're only trying to help". It also was a nightmare getting them to get their wills in order, I am the only child so it is all on me and my wife, they have other homes and cars and things that they will never use again or drive again but go crazy when we suggest selling them! It is maddening, we know what needs to be done for them to live the best that they can but also have to listen to what they want, somewhat..... Best of luck, I understand! I coached youth soccer for 21 years but quit to help clean this up, it is taking much of my time, I work full time, and they are either going to let us clean it up and have someone come in a few times a week to help them or they'll have to move to an assisted living facility, they can't go on like this and neither can we, but it is like a wrestling match with them mentally most of the time!!
Sean and Les - similar situation for me. The stress is unrelenting, there is some problem with them almost every day. Hard to live life like this and it seems that dealing with them is the center of our lives. Don’t get me wrong, I love them but the burden is sooo heavy that it’s affecting me amd getting me more anxious. God bless us all as we deal with this!💜
@@claudiacanales2662 Mine got so bad that a week ago I took them to the emergency room so they could be admitted and sent for short term rehab, and then they will go into the assisted living place right next door that we toured 2 weeks ago. It was getting so bad I couldn't stand to see them like this, they weren't living just existing, barely, so I took the advice of the guy from the assisted living place and that's what I did. It'll be an adjustment for us all but it was needed, they couldn't take care of themselves or each other anymore and it is heartbreaking, but I just have to keep telling myself that they are now getting help. Good luck, it's exasparating I know!
@@lesschoenberger3070 i understand that it' s not easy for you..but just remember that it was not easy for them to raise you up, specially your mom who carried you for 9 mths, who woke up every night to feed when you were an infant,...just remember that when you get tired or frustrated. Remember also that it is a blessing to have them and you don' t know for how much longer they will be around. Pls i beg you, do NOT put them in a nursing home! Sacrifice yoursel for them. Love is patient and sacrificial. But i understand your frustration coz i am going throug the same phase with my mom. But when thing are hard, i command myself to look up to the old good times, and i value also the present time spent together. Once they are gone, you can never get back that time.
@@nikkinikki3896 They have been in assisted living since October and are 100 times better than they were, there was no way I could NOT put them in, my father has Apashia and Dementia, my mom has mild dementia and AFIB and was not taking her meds right nor were they eating, sleeping or washing, there was absolutely no choice but to put them in assisted living, it's NOT a nursing home, they are well taken cared of and happy and healthy, there was no way I could do what they are doing for them.
The problem with my father is, he has moments where he's sharp and other times when he acts like a teenager. Sounds terrible, I told mom I wanted him to go first because I knew he was going to be trouble. It's worse for me because I'm an only child and his family are scattered. The neighbors have been helpful. My son has tried to talk him into moving in. Yeah, the situation sucks.
Raw, organic veggies and fruits will help his condition. Actually, they are the healer of all that is hurt about people. Sugars and carbs need to be burned off with exercise or they clog up the blood vessels and liver and kidneys and brain.
Thanks for this empathy. I’m an LPC and have manipulative elderly in-laws. This empathy was nice to know that I’m not the only one going through these issues, but I felt the advice was a little bit PG and didn’t really get to the severity of situation such as unsafe elderly driving that could kill not only your elder but could also kill other people when they get behind the wheel. These are not things that we can take a gentle stance on… I have been scouring to find a solution to keeping an elder person safe from driving and it seems as though the only solution is to wait for them to kill themselves or someone else. It’s not your fault, I just think there’s no answer to some things.
@W Lenore, we just, over this past weekend, had my father in law's vehicle taken from him. His physician had his license revoked, previously admonishing my husband about how he does not need to be driving (MONTHS ago). As of Thursday of last week, he received the revocation letter from the state and he cursed it and was going to drive anyway, completely irrational about the reasons behind it being brain tumor, seizures and the like. So our daughter & son in law came and distracted him, got his keys and fire arms and told them what was taking place and he became belligerent, threatening to shoot them and his son. It's been a real Dr Phil sh*t show at his house. As of today, there is a tiny tad of resolve that he will have a "driver" person come to take him to breakfast and lunch (as he was driving twice a day!). I believe this whole episode has greatly increased his decline. He is way more upset about this than the death of his wife of 52 years. Sad. We've had discussions about "we know this day is coming where you can't drive anymore...."
People aren't naturally elderly. What they eat is what causes the weakness. Do not be around your in laws unless they agree to eat raw organic veggies and fruits. No processed, sugary carbohydrates allowed. You can find books by Dr. Lustig that say Sugar is a Poison. If not exercising off the body all of those processed foods, they will clog the arteries and organs like the liver and kidneys. All dis-eases come from being clogged up with foods we should not be eating.
I agree. My mom's car broke down and it's not getting fixed. I always worried she would wreck into a car with a child in it. Their doctor can take their license away IF they go to a doctor.
We had to get the doctor to tell her she couldn’t drive anymore and if that didn’t work we were going to do the form at the dmv that declares them unable to drive anymore. She finally gave it up when she finally admitted she could barely even walk to the garage to get it out, which she kept denying. She’s 85. But the only thing that really worked in my opinion was she got exposed to some relatives who couldn’t believe how mean and irrational she was acting (no news to us scapegoats) and that did it. She finally gave in.
My husband’s mother is a lost cause. She has been sending all her money to scammers from Nigeria. She also has some very poor hygiene habits, and doesn’t clean up after her dog. The nursing home doesn’t even want her.
My in-laws are incredibly frail, have many serious conditions, and it’s unsafe for them to be alone in their house without round-the-clock care. But they absolutely REFUSE our attempts to get the care they need. They will not go into an assisted-living facility (they have the money and in fact have been paying over the years to be able to move if it were necessary). Nope, they insist on living at home. They refuse to have anyone come to the house to care for them. We are all at our wits end. Additionally, we don’t live near them; we’re scattered all around the country. Both are fall risks. In fact, they fall regularly. Thank God their falls weren’t bad falls. We’re all freaking out because it’s only a matter on time something dire happens. Legally, we have no recourse. 😢 They are both 89.
Damn hardcore, I hope i wun bec dementia or burden ppl next time. I got social wker in to diagnose old fogey, said the arse refused help. Despise Old!!
I am struggling right now. My parents are hoarders and won't let me even move anything to help. The other issue is my mother is giving away her money to random people on the internet and is angry when I don't help her access Zelle to make it easier for her to get ripped off. Nevermind that she's disabled.
In my area I tried getting help for my mom but since she refused to cooperate they just disappeared. I decided no more because people started blaming me and complaining to DHS…so I decided it’s not worth risking my sanity and stability and safety. Now my sister is last resort for my mom and they’ve alienated me due to sister’s husband. Life sure gets crazy!
Thank you so much for being Frank and right on spot regarding how difficult it is mentally and emotionally being the 'kid' caregiver dealing with issues.
So glad to find support on your channel . My mom is 87 with a hip problem , but can still get around some . But I can see she’s going to be impossible to deal with . She has never even taken out medicare because she doesn’t want any medical treatments ever , but that leaves me not knowing what to do in an emergency and not getting any help for her when the time comes that she can’t do anything for herself. She doesn’t want anyone in her home but me , but I can’t do it all because I already have a problem with one arm .
That’s so hard! See if she will write it down on an Advance Healthcare Directive and that everyone else in the family knows her wishes. It’s all you can do. My heart goes out to you
My folks are hoarders. My step dad is at the end of his life due to cancer. My mom, who is acting as my stepdad’s caregiver, has level 3-4 dementia. My mom will call and ask for help, then cancel saying she’s fine and doesn’t need anything. I worry a lot about them. My mom adopted a big German shepherd dog as a way to keep people away. I’m now worried that the dog ( which is still a puppy) will knock them over or trip them up, making the situation worse. I am glad of the dog as the city we live in has a huge homeless problem, and their house looks abandoned from the outside. So there’s that little silver lining…
I don't care about her living longer, are you kidding me? I care about just trying to survive this relationship my own self! Did I ever have a chance to live my life? No, and now she is using her old aging status as a nother way to control me... If she doesn't let me help on my own terms then she can suffer! :) I hope she suffers, at least. Oh god, why should I act like a parent to her. Give me a break Parents who don't anticipate getting old are not my problem
You want to help her because you will learn that dementia and alzeimers and weak bones come from not eating raw organic veggies and fruits. You don't want to be frail yourself.
Feel the same way. Unfortunately I have created a pattern of care thinking eventually I get my life back but it's getting worse. Need to find courage to reverse course. End station is, accept help on my term with your input or hire someone to do all I've been doing. Done with the thanks but it's all your fault.
I need help. Mom refuses to move in with me, refuses to move anywhere. Right now, she’s sharp, on a walker, driving, but the house is too much for her and she can’t afford help. She could downsize. Won’t even have a conversation. She won’t deal with professionals. She saw that Netflix I Do Care movie. Me too. I don’t know what to do.
I told my children after their mother died [ my wife of 44yrs ] that I am not there responsibility , I love you but do not try to dictate where or how I shall live. I will not downsize or move to be near you across the country, or give any one power of attorney . Talk to your attorney all can be set up to have what you want in your later old age and death. This will remove guilt / problems for your children and give you the final say.
Good video. Calling local Dept of health will shut the house down due to animal or insect infestations so be prepared to move family member prior to the decision to involve. You have to get them out of it, but they aren’t going to “stage” that severity of living.
All of this it's correct, one thing I would like to add in searching for help is what about when your parent is on radiation or chemo. all of these other things she mentioned the video or still happening plus the behavior problems there's actually no help for patients that are active chemo and radiation.. even more frustrating!! I'm going crazy trying to get help and work full-time
I've tried ALL OF THESE things, and still... Nothing. I've lost my mind. My mother won't listen to her doctors. They're all out to get her (Alzheimer's paranoia and delusions), they're "full of BS," etc. the only thing I can think to do is seek legal guardianship, which I'm certain will make things even worse.
Turn them in to the appropriate agencies and document what you see extemporaneously. Take photos, record video and write down what your interactions are. Social services, APS, DMV, police. Report anything dangerous to themselves or others. This video doesn’t seem to address the parents with serious cognitive or psychological issues (or both). Many of these become more entrenched in old age. It’s a real problem as life has been significantly extended.
What is the median age of folks caring for their elderly parent? Why aren’t there more comments? I’m 58 years old and use you tube all the time. Is the reason their are no comments is because the age of most caregivers is much older and they are not internet savvy?
@@SofiaAmirpoor I'm so frustrated to read that hahaha I'm 26 from Lima, Peru, but I already have the responsibility to take care of my mom, she is actually my aunt but she raised me since I was in my biological mom's tummy. I don't know how to act, I live with anxiety, but I get treatment for that. I know she's depressed, but she refuses to get psychological or psychiatric help. I've taken her to emergency due to gastro problems, but she refuses to continue treatment. I cant do more, right?
I'm 44 and looking after my 81 year old grandmother who has 6 kids. One will take them but is homeless right now. Maybe kids are sending the parents into homes because of the fact we are willing to change our life but they don't want to change their's!
What do you do if she refuses her social worker, been thrown out of 15 facilities her social worker helped us with. And to top it off she had been band from 2 companys only in our area that do home health
How can you involve a professional if your parents won’t even hire a cleaner? In the UK a doctor won’t talk to someone other than the patient themselves. Things have to be beyond severe here for a professional to get involved against the parent’s wishes. And the parent won’t willingly take help so they won’t consent. You can’t put tracking devices on parents who refuse help. I found this video very confusing.
Thank you for pointing out that incompetency according to the law is a very different thing than 'incompetency' according to relatives that are often bored, busybody perfectionists that overlook similar shortcomings in themselves. This comment is not intended for situations in which a person does need care for safety reasons. Some families do go hard after a person at the first long term health issue, and at any age.
It’s so hard for me. I try to offer choices so she still feels in control. I also try to check on how she feels often. Sometimes she can’t find the words so I give her choices of feeling words. 😢I also found a support group and looking forward to hearing other peoples thoughts and ideas.
great channel and straight advice. subscribed. I found British Columbia, Canada, where my 79yo parents are has some great online resources on their seniors bc website. I spent the evening printing off seniors guides and advanced care planning info with a nice penned letter to mail this week,. Hopefully they can get their shit together and sort out a care plan.
As an alert & oriented elder, my children & siblings want to put me in a nursing home. I've been independently living in my apartment for some time now. They're not speaking to me now because I didn't do what they wanted me to do. Oh well.
Selfish of you to wait till it does become a problem. We could see that my mother was starting to decline and she refused any and all suggestions telling us she is independent and can manage just fine. We could see that it was just a matter of time and that it would be easier to make the changes while she was still hearty enough to deal with it. But she refused and just got more and more frail and of course the worst happened. After a zillion falls she finally broke bones and now we are all scrambling in a frenzy trying to figure out how to manage her new requirements. If she had only listened to us in the first place. We begged her to use the walker but she refused. We begged her to move to a downstairs apartment so she wouldn’t have to be carried out and down the stairs by someone, or worse fall down the stairs but she refused. I could go on and on but just maybe you should listen to your children and siblings and not just think of your self and your needs.
How do I get them in front of a judge. My father is a bully...he is a narcissist and now he has had a stroke, a CVA. For my mother's safety and well being, she is 79, how do I get him in front of a judge to have him removed from the house?
It is astonishing that anyone with repeat bouts of dementia are not necessarily considered non competent. If they are not aware of reality, there are various ways they could put themselves in danger. Hopefully, this changes soon.
It will be interesting to see how all these people complaining about their parents will be as elders themselves when their kids say to them you need help. Will they say yes and go along with everything their kids want? Or will they refuse as their own parents did?
Depending on the situation, something that's working for them may be detrimental if changed . Again, depending on the situation will depend on what's working for them. What you THINK may work in SOME cases may ACTUALLY be DETRIMENTAL when something else they were doing was actually working better for them. Maybe they've already tried something different and gravitated back toward what was working better before parrot remember, in certain cases you can't always be there all the time to know what's really working and what's not Letting someone into your home can be risky because these days, vulnerable people are being abused, mistreated, and neglected Let's say there's a certain piece of furniture That senior uses for balance or to hang on to , lean against, sit on, etc . Let's say you suggest moving that piece of furniture and that person ends up falling because of you. Put that thing back because it was working for them before you came along and caused that fall One time I heard there was a story about a judge Who eventually went blind. He had an expensive table In a certain spot to help guide him. He knew where it was and even how it felt. When it was suddenly swapped for a cheaper model, it was eventually found out that the caregiver coming in had swapped out that table, and they were prosecuted. When someone works to get what they have or even if it was given to them, that's their item. Sometimes people refuse help and change for certain valid reasons, and rightfully so. Now, in other cases where something doesn't work for them, then yes, levels of help and levels of help and change is needed only to the extent absolutely necessary. Now regarding dementia and Alzheimer's, it can be improved and even reversed by finding out from a nutritionist what kinds of nutrients that person's body has been missing. You can improve many conditions just through diet change alone. If the person isn't hungry Much of the time or even thirsty, You can try offering blender made blender made smoothies and purees. 👉 If the person doesn't eat or drink as much as they use to, the body could be shutting down, preparing for death. That's because they COULD secretly be in the dying stage without you knowing . It may also be that not even they know it . One telltale sign in at least some cases is unexplained skin bruises or may I say blotching? I'm not saying it's true in all cases, but check it out when you CAN. If it turns out they are in the dying stage, then you're going to have to make some necessary accommodations. I'm not sure exactly how long the dying stage lasts, but people's bodies tend to very gradually change over a period of years or even decades before they actually die. Just enjoy what's there and don't try to force nothing if someone is secretly dying . If they're not actively dying and maybe they have unexplained bruises, they could be falling . Pay special attention If they have stuff in the walkway That could be a potential hazard . This is What does especially true of hoarders. Let's say you have a senior who dresses inappropriately for the weather. I'm talking about when they wear fall and winter clothes in the dead middle of summer, especially on the hottest days. No one in their RIGHT MIND will be wearing long sleeves, jackets and long pants when it's just too hot. The only exception is when they're hiding something from you, and you haven't yet realized it. I was kind of concerned about someone I knew who dressed like this when it was just too hot to be doing so. She previously admitted to a folding walker failure which I think now was most likely on her part. She also admitted to having four households of stuff she inherited. Of course she had to clean out, but walker failure in a full home points to one thing, walkway hazards. Walker failure when someone fully realize on it means that when it collapses or maybe the surface it's being used on fails, then that right there leads to a fall. When you have a pile of stuff all the way through the house blocking the walkways and you try to use a walker, even a folding one, your walker can fail because of all that stuff in the way and cause a fall. Then you fall on stuff that causes some nasty bruising you don't want no one else to see. So what do you do? Cover it up! Now you have a better understanding of why some people in certain types of cases get into certain types of flights with their doctors. Maybe a doctor wants to just examine you when you come in to get your meds refilled. Or maybe they want to check more than just your vitals For some reason. If you go in just to get your meds refilled, maybe they go to check your vitals and maybe the cuff is a little bit too tight on that arm that has a bruise. Or maybe the stethoscope might hit a spot that has a bruise depending on how you fell. Or, they may have to check something else in an area you may be trying to cover a bruise in.... If you come in with a certain of problem or maybe to get those meds filled depending on how the visit will unfold, if the doctor sees unexplained bruises, the only thing some seniors do is try to explain it away. Sometimes seniors are telling the truth and sometimes not, but the doctor has no way of knowing Now if you have no way to explain it, that could raise a red flag. That's why we must be careful to just keep hazards out of the walkway. If you do have to enter tight spaces, it's up to you to be careful Remember, if you ever need to use a walker😮, even those folding ones, they're actually safe. Yes, even those folding ones are safe. If it collapses, it's just because you didn't make sure it was FULLY locked BEFORE use. If you use a folding walker, it's up to you to make sure it's fully locked and safe to use. If it folds, it's YOU, NOT the WALKER The reason why sometimes people don't let you help them clean their homes is because too many times people end up stealing Another reason why is because if you clean their home, chances are great they may be unable to find stuff when they're used to being able to find stuff wherever it usually is. Let's say something gets tossed that they didn't want you to toss, and now there's tension between you Now, as for the money management thing, you can sign them up For online banking and set up all of their money to come out in the right amounts to the right payees on their payday. If the bills stay paid, then that senior can go do other stuff They Otherwise wouldn't be able to do during the times they used to run around paying different people in person . There's nothing like being able to rest assured those bills are paid while you go do other stuff. I really like being able to go to the lake on a nice day as my bills are sent . This should be a favorite for everyone , even seniors. I didn't know though that the very reason why one person in particular wouldn't come up to the modern age and get a better phone is most likely because she had a narcissistic agenda of some kind. No normal person spends 3 hours on the phone with another person once a week just to get the news, there's truly something wrong with them! I guarantee that if someone I guarantee that if someone Expected me to give THAT much of myself REGULARLY in ANY area, it would QUICKLY drain me! 😡👎 Now I have a better understanding of why some people need to set limits What's certain people they're dealing with. Driving up onto someone's lawn and laying on the horn instead of getting your lazy ass out of the car and walking up on the porch and knocking like a normal person, there's something wrong with that picture! Yes, I really did know someone like this who would obnoxiously lay on the horn sitting on someone's lawn until they got a response.... Of course this got the attention of neighbors of the person best lazy ass was trying t reach, and sometimes I can understand why some people will try to avoid the person chasing them down. I think in certain cases, some people were just trying to avoid this particular person, even when there was an appointment with an agreement for someone to help this person with something that they said was highly important. The narcissistic senior didn't even think that maybe, just maybe something came up rhat changed plans. Sometimes cars break down or medical emergencies happen, whatever happens that can change our plans Another time this senior was saying that during the time she didn't have a car and had to rely on others to get around, they had to set limits on her. Well, you know private car owners aren't public taxis. Even if you're willing to pay for gas, don't rely on others to Pack you around all the time. Let's say you have something Important to go do in the morning and the narcissistic senior comes along knowing you have an appointment at a certain hour and makes some kind of clever excuse to get a ride.... Let's say you must be somewhere at 10:00 a.m. and the narcissistic senior says why don't you drop me off at such and such a place, it's on your way? It can be hard to say no, but not impossible Another sign someone needs help mentally is if they tend to sit in someone's drive for hours, even all day waiting for someone to come home. They may be waiting all day and laid into the wee hours of the night or early morning. I didn't know back then what I know now but now my creep meter screams when I hear something like this Sometimes people can be a blessing, but other times they can turn out to be a blessing with a lesson to be learned . Lessons to be learned may sometimes need to be in more than just a nursing home, they may need to be in the nuthouse!
Would it be a good or bad idea to show this to my grandparent? She needs somebody else to hear it she won't believe me but I do live with her and I do Over Watch her and make sure she doesn't hurt herself in her daily life. She gave some kids $60 for shoveling to the driveway, and just way overpays people in general and I cannot help her manage her money when I offered to do it for free
Some parents expect everything to b done according to their wish so they do not plan anything wither childrn, ,they have diffrnt experiencs this is Due to generationgap
My parents refuse to move out of their home - and they refuse to allow a home healthcare worker to stay with them. I suppose it is their right to chose... at this point, I am just trying to make sure their bills get paid. (I live quite far away, and can not be there to care for them). Thank God for Amazon - at least I can do their shopping for them.
I have a 80 year old cousin who can barely walk and refuses to move out of her house with lots of stairs. She refuses to wear a life alert. I give up. It is her right to fall down the stairs and die in pain, alone of dehydration, etc.....
But what about someone who was always too fast and evil. Only acted nice to particular people to get the approval of others. How are you gonna separate dementia from there too old to put on their facade anymore? Some of this is who they have always been. It's good arguably the most competent mentally and physically while they're raising, Then you grow up and for a time they decline. Vices and wrongs. You know you're thinking oh your parent wasn't as smart or capable or did as much as you thought they did
I tried to talk to my Mother’s doctor, but he won’t talk to me without my mother. She thinks doctors are gods, so if he said she had to do something, she would.
What if parents told you to destroy everything what you do for living, destroy his /her grand kids by continues lies about past. but still you want to help him or her knowing other relationship they are in and they are young like your wife or husband. you still want to help them even if you you know they lied about you in your whole family and made you bad person while you were away from home to get education. i think you must have some answers.
Please help if you can! My wife and I have been letting my 81 year old dad live with us for over 4 years now. We have never charged him 1c for rent or food or anything. For quite some time now my wife has been pleading with me to set up alternate living arrangements for him. He has had schizophrenia his entire life and basically NOBODY in my family has wanted to deal with him because of how his is. Anyway, my wife has finally had it and is packing up and leaving the house because she’s going to have a nervous breakdown living one more day under the same roof. He always says he’ll move out soon but never does and my wife knows he’s incapable of doing so. Every time I call the SSA I get stuck in their phone tree. I’m sick of the constant tension in the house and being accused of ineptitude for not taking action myself. Honestly, I’m ready to drop him off at the homeless shelter so my wife can have peace. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I’m just as stressed as my wife and I feel my life is about to fall apart.
My dad has been sick for months with diarrhea and out of control diabetes. Lately he hasn't been getting up. My aunt (who lives with him) said he just stays in bed all day and that diarrhea seems to be blood, he is yellow and seems very very sick. He won't go to the doctor and I'm states away. I don't know what to do.
Help! I need help getting my mother out of our home and into assisted living or a nursing home that can help my mother. She is a complete danger to our home if not watched and to herself. Help!
You and me both. My mom just got diagnoised with dementia and she has been trying to destroy my marriage because all of sudden she can't stand my husband after living with him for 16 years and now she is falsely accusing him of touching her. My husband had to put a report on her at the police station and ask for a lie detector test becuase he said no way did I touch her. Now she's been acussing me falsely of stealing her money and saying things I didnt say. Saying that I'm hitting her, when is her that's hitting me. She's a total mess and doesn't want to leave out of my house. She leaves her diapers every where and my house smells like a toilet full of shit. She be blasting the TV speaking really loud and always arguing with every body. The sad thing is; I have a artistic child that contribute to the messes, so my house looks like a hurricane hit it and its driving me crazy because even though I wasn't diagnosed with it, but I considered myself to be OCD. So being in a home with a Dementia and a Autism child, is a bomb waiting to explode.
We live with my husbands parents for seven years. My teen daughters cutting herself in in therapy and on max amount of depression meds and soon I'm going to divorce my husband. That's how sick of them my children and I'm of them.
I don’t agree with the whole new “hoarders need expert care”philosophy. I think that was invented by therapists who wanted a lucrative niche. The simplest way to downsize is to do it yourself and not let the loved one see what is going where.
I don't know if you are single or married. But I hope you learn from my experience. When my dad was alive, he did nothing to take care of himself. He had quadruple bypass surgery and continued eating junk food. He developed diabetes before 60. He ignored the neuropathy in his legs, ignored his blood sugar, etc. His sugar was constantly in the 250-350 range. My mom did absolutely nothing to help out or learn about his conditions. They were the most dysfunctional couple I have ever seen. Dad and mom are both on disability. They never saved a penny for retirement, no life insurance, renting the same house for 39 years now. I had to pay for his funeral. But while alive, he constantly called, constantly needed something. He really had no respect that I am married with a kid, full time job, and my own responsibilities. My mom suffers from terrible anxiety. It's to the point that the hot water heater went out and she is crying on the phone about what will she do? I told her call your landlord, it's their problem. But my mom is becoming a major burden. Calls for everything. Can you check the air in the tires, can you come look at the mower, can you do this or that. It got ti where she calls me, then my wife, then my daughter. My wife just quit answering. But it started causing issues between the wife and I. She basically said that I understand you love your mom, and doing favors once in a while or visiting is fine. But this is getting ridiculous and it's causing resentment. We both work and have our own family and responsibilities. I had that talk with my mom. I explained I have my own family and responsibilities. I can't just drop everything at any given time to do something for you. I suggested it may be time to look into assisted living so there are people there who can take care of your needs. But I can't do it anymore. It was hard and didn't go over well. There were tears and I was quickly accused of not caring.... I guess what I am saying is that you need to not put your life on hold to care for a parent. It takes a lot of time and energy and about cost me my family.
Our country shouldn't put families at so much risk with this stage of life. I literally am left to just deal with my Alzheimer's combative grandma while I have children. My life is being taken over entirely. And all because she has Medicare I'm screwed and stuck with this dangerous shit. She went suicidal recently too. Families DIE and get killed because of dementia family snapping. And it's not like we just automatically are educated on the safety protocols and steps to take well in advance.
My mom accepts help with the cleaning and cooking for her. But will not listen to me about what doctor's directions are on appointments and medication. She will not come to my home, but rather have me at her place from the first thing in the mornings to late at night. Will not accept allowing me to hire part-time homecare help. 😢 I am told rude and hurtful remarks. I'm so busy and expecting to be available that I do not have time to shower or eat! I tried to get homecare help before, but mom did not have them do much. I ended up having more to do when I returned the next day. Another situation , her doctors call me because mom isn't answering her phone , and i relay to mom what was said mom will not listen. She wil say to me " i do not know this because they didnt tell me themselves. All the while her live in partner is sitting around reading, controlling the mood and what is allowed in my having conversations and he gets very upset, loud cursing and slamming or stomping around if he is isnt getting the day handled his way, and will not listen to my moms needs but rather cut her off and acts like its to frustrating to even learn how to vook her oatmeal. Theres abusive behaviors there and i just cannot do it anymore
My 93 year old mother has Alzheimers stage 4-5 and has lived alone for 31 years since my dad died. Mother is one stubborn woman and still fiercely independent. She has carers for one hour per day, a home hairdresser, cleaner and chiropodist services. Mother has now reached the stage where her safety and welfare are compromised by her stoic and relentless stubborness to receive help. She refuses to let her carer perform simple household tasks by insisting she can do them herself, or will do it later. Mother refuses to wear hearing aids,glasses or use a walking stick. She is deaf and becoming incontinent. She will not tolerate any wearable safety or emergency devices,saying she doesn't need them. Mother cannot use a microwave or oven and relies on a paltry diet of a few steamed vegetables, cold meat, toast and a multitude of biscuits. Adult Social Care Services have now been involved and mother is starting a new care package which will help her to become more involved in daily tasks, thus allowing her to salvage some independence. This is mother's 3rd set of Carers and if she fails to comply this time, she will be placed in a Care Home because there is no other solution.
How will you accomplish getting her into a Care Home? I'm curious, because my 75 yo dad is a much worse, dangerous and unhealthy situation than you describe. He lives with rats, has no electricity because of them, no heating or ac, is an extreme hoarder with dangerous piles of junk reaching the ceiling that can collapse on him at any time as he sometimes has to litelly crawl through the house to get to his bed.... and three visits from APS simply tells me "he has his rights to live how he wants", they would say the same for is he chose to be homeless. Anyone has a right to live how they want. A health safety inspection and their added pressure to fine him $20,000 if he didn't clean it up in a week made him rashly sell a property worth $250,000 for $40,000, so there's no money, no alternative to go through the lengthy legal process of getting a conservatorship to put him in a home. He has MS and diabetes to boot. Are you just fortunate to have the resources to go to trial on it or something? Due to this video's info, there are some things I'm going to do that I didn't know were options for me, and I was just curious because while her situation I'm sure is very scary to you, it doesn't sound too bad to me since she does allow help to come in at all. My dad won't even allow Meals on Wheels or anything.
My mom was also stubbornly independent, and she did a great job of covering up her dementia. I believed she could look after herself, even though friends and neighbors said she belonged in a nursing home. The turning point came when we had an RN interview my mother for an apartment in an assisted living facility. Mom flunked the interview; the RN said she needed full-time care in a dementia ward. That outside professional assessment told me that it was time to start making decisions for my mother, because she was no longer capable of making decisions on her own. Don't feel bad about moving your mother to a nursing home. She will be safer and you will all be better off.
The only valid reason to move your parents to the senior center is ALZHEIMER OR DEMENTIA,OR A TERMINAL ILLNESS THAT CAUSE A REAL BURDEN. But if your parents are able to take care of themselves on daily basics, why bother them?. Take care of your parents, remember you will be old one day, you do not want your kids to force you to sell your house and put you in a corner, neglecting you😢. You can help your parents by praying for them, giving them your time,conversations,daily calls and a lot of love❤.Remember to honor your parents 🙏
How about a video for us elders who need to set boundries with adult know it all cheapo ungrateful ,impatient brats who treatmus as if they are just waiting for us to die ?
Stop fighting it! But that doesn't mean stop caring. What can you do when your parent refuses help?
So far nothing... nothing you said has helped
APS calls worked for my in-laws..good luck
Yes - I finally reached that point. My mother is making very bad choices - but I finally realize they are her choices to make - and she must deal with the consequences. Unless or until she is deemed incompetent, she gets to chose how to live her life. As awful and stupid as those choices are.
Move out....or get a job.
Toxic aging parents....unfortunately they'll see their sons/daughters as lifelong caretakers.
If you want your kids to leave the nest...then you can't hold them back at the same time and you gotta let them spread their wings.
Protect others and document their refusals. You are liable for what you know if you do nothing. A good example is anonymous reporting to the DMV for a driving ability test.
The stress and frustration is unbearable.
Truer words have never been said.
@@amac8237
I look at the rest of society and they have no clue what's coming.
Ugh!!!!! I want to strangle my "teenage" father!
And it feels like you are trapped and want to get away to live a “normal” life with elderly people that are old but manegeable!
@@claudiacanales2662
Everyday I wake up knowing life and my role to my parents has basically changed forever.
If you try to think about what this means all at once you'll go crazy. There's no going back.
Honestly. After many years of struggle… I realized it’s their life and their decisions. If they make bad ones and it cuts their life short it’s their decision… stop fighting it. Not worth the stress
This is so true, I’ve decided to stop the fighting as well. It’s a lost cause. I feel so much better, no guilt, and no regrets.
I am in the same place you are Jeri! My husband & I help when my Mom accepts it, & when she reverts to her bad behavior, disrespect, incorrect perception that she is "independent," & severe obstinence, we take a short break from her & then resume being available. It's a constant off & on game & it's AWFUL. But she refuses to own her dysfunction & has never been accountable nor cooperative in her life. Her late spouse enabled such behavior, which created quite a monster as a result. We have finally detached as much as we can emotionally to protect our health on all levels, but we still help when she allows it, & we are kind & "act" like all is well. I pray daily God will take her immediately. She's a person who has been given literally everything she wants for decades, but she is still miserable. May God strengthen, bless & guide you in your journey with your Mom !
Jen, I sympathize. I empathize. I am at this point now with my difficult aging mother. Ready to throw in the towel.
Part of it is accepting the situation and the way a person is regardless of the situation be it stubborn, arrogant, etc. It's not an all or nothing decision or feeling.
Agree
Agree with this video, but the problem is if you're the responsible child then you'll be picking up the pieces when everything falls apart. It puts you in a situation of either turning your head because of your parent's (possibly bad) choices OR just waiting until the s**t hits the fan and then having to do additional work because your parent refused to be proactive and make changes ahead of time.
Christina, you are right. What I hope this video explains is that there is often no easy answer. Hang in there!
I agree. I believe it is important to address the problems as we see them. My observations and questions are often met with defensiveness. I understand that older people want to maintain their independence and autonomy, but it also prevents change even when it would be good such as strength training or Tai Chi for balance and coordination. The suggestions are dismissed. Exercise is important at any age.
@@maryv8578 Thanks for your comment.
Christina you explained it so well. You got to get ahead of the problem because we are kind people and can’t just wait and watch the crap hit the fan!
@@claudiacanales2662 I also think it comes down to having a conscience. Some simply don't care and look the other way. If you have a conscience, you're not going to be able to do that. All the best to you.
In a lot of cases though it’s not that they refuse help, they just expect YOU to be that help at all costs.
My dad is utterly alone and for the most part has himself to blame for it.
It didn’t seem to be a problem while he was healthy ( which he kept a strict regiment to be),
Working ( successful construction company he built from the ground up), and independent( Beautiful two-story lakefront home).
But six years ago when he was in his mid-70s he was plagued with an overwhelming amount of health problems. Caught a bad flu, which turned to pneumonia, shortly after diagnosed with an auto immune disease, and to top all that off was diagnosed with stage 4 melanoma.
It was a lot to take, for both of us. To see the once invincible man I knew my whole life be reduced to a shuffling skeleton was a hard pill to swallow. I knew if he lost his independence he was finished so I’ve done everything in my power since then to give him the space to make his own decisions and treat him like an adult. Which isn’t easy to do when the person you’re trying to help lives in the middle of nowhere, down a 3 mile dirt road, 25 minutes from the nearest town, and an hour at least from most dr appointments.
And just like before his stubbornness, temper, and selfishness has become absolutely unbearable. The same traits that drove my brother ( only sibling) to the other side of the country with minimal contact, contributed in part to my mothers raging alcoholism and later suicide, and has driven off almost every other friend and family member. When I say I’m doing it alone I mean it. Drive him to his specialists.
Put all his bills on auto pay and keep an eye on his accounts. Maintenance the house and yard. Move the boat dock when the lake levels rise and fall. Cook for him when I can because if not it will be a crap TV dinner. Cover for him with the doctors on the multiple times he’s been admitted to the hospital by saying that I’ll be with him 24/7 when I know I can’t. Have changed diapers, bandaged wounds, administered oxygen, and wiped his drooling lip more times than I can count.
His living situation is not safe. He still tries to drive and it’s not safe. Almost everything he attempts to do is not safe. I am in a constant state of worry and stress when I’m not with him, and when I am with him I’m in a constant state of frustration and angst.
He’s my dad and I love him but when is enough enough? He’s currently in the hospital with pneumonia again, aspirating food which could be a feeding tube situation, is definitely going to need oxygen, and also had an acute heart attack which means surgery is in the future. He was barely capable of working his flip phone properly and now this. The doctors, as they always do, are inching him back to a stable state and are talking about releasing him next week. He is already talking about “ when I get out and get back to the house we’re gonna need to…” and I’m about ready to scream. His location makes any kind of home health assistance a brief glimpse or nonexistent. Getting him into a rehab after hospital visits it’s like pulling teeth with insurance. And my family “ I’m so sorry you have to deal with this” is about as good as it gets.
I have a wife and three kids. A full-time job and a house payment. Coach youth soccer and volunteer hours at the school. A multitude of responsibilities and people depending on me that I have put on the back burner a lot of times and put my life on hold so he can have just a little bit more of his…..his way.
That’s what brought me here and I hope I can manifest some of this information into something positive. My mom‘s alcoholism I witnessed as a child made me vow as an adult that my kids would never see me drunk, and they haven’t. This situation as an adult has made me vow when/if I become a senior citizen I will never put any of my kids through this. And besides my wonderful and understanding wife the only place I have to talk about it is the emptiness of an online comment section.
Ain’t that something.
Odd, I would have thought I wrote this, almost to a "T". Your dad is my dad...LOL, not funny but a little humor huh?
I pretty much have the same issue but not as deep. My stepdad had gotten sick last January and was in the hospital. Last July I had lower back surgery for a pilinidal Cyst. Once I started to get better is right around the time they released him. At first my brother,sister,and mom asked if I could help a few days a week and I said I suppose until I got back to work considering my back still kinda hurt a little but I wasn't so fond of him and his ways I.E. Everything has to be perfect, and everybody was on his time etc. Now about 8mths in and now they all have full time jobs with locked schedules and I'm here about 6 1/2 days consecutive and not back to work bc of it. My only "off day" is Sunday when my sister gets here around 12pm. It's causing me to feel trapped and causing like anxiety bc I live with my younger brother and rn he's working 2 jobs to keep up with the bills and I stress about all that on top of having deal with cleaning, cooking,meds,showering,pretty much his secretary,bed pan situation for bathroom,dishes,clothes,cleaning the apartment, keeping everything organized, keeping up with his doc appointments along with getting him ready for/going with him to said appointments. I pray it doesn't happen before I can get back to work, but I always worry about my brother getting burnt-out from school and both jobs. Nobody can quit their job to take care of him,I need to get back to work to help my brother and bc I want to return to a normal life,but he will not accept us getting him an in-home nurse. And I know it God forbid could be worse, but I just don't know what to do to deal with the situation and be able to return back to a normal life. No time to handle important things,not time to set up job interviews, absolutely no time to ever have a relationship, no time for friends except the 12 hours I get to be home (on a Sunday)but gotta be back here by 9am Monday Morning bc my sister has to go back to work. I'm glad I found this video and also found this thread.
I’m struggling with a similar situation. My mom seems to think her maintaining her independence trumps my needs and responsibilities to my own life which includes a husband, kids, and job. She’s married and one of my nephews does live near her, while I’m four states away, but she’s constantly complaining that she needs her daughter to care for her because men aren’t patient enough… but when I asked her to move in with me, at least until her health was more stable… she talks about all her friends and hobbies and so on that she can’t give up. But evidently, it makes perfect sense to her that me and my husband are supposed to relocate, leave our jobs, friends, kid’s schools and friends, etc to move to her less economically sound city so that I can be available whenever she seems no one else is good enough to help. But heaven forbid I make a suggestion like changing doctors or going to a different kind of specialist when it’s obvious to me she’s not getting the right kind of care! She won’t listen and berates me for “ treating her like she’s stupid.” And somehow I always end up feeling guilty because she’s making decisions that make it difficult to help her without completely sacrificing myself in the process.
@@ShauntelleHamlett And it's a blanket of stress . Like you're being torn by horses but instead of being torn it puts just enough pressure to make you scream. Sounds rough as a metaphor, but some days that's how it is
@@mixedredneck3967 ((hugs)) I totally get it
My mother lives with us. My issue is getting her to do things she's fully capable of doing, like dusting her bedroom, eating, bathing etc. She's losing muscle strength because she's not getting up and moving around, which makes her more dependent on me. I work full time from home but that doesn't mean I have a lot of time to do things she can do for herself.
Yes my MIL does the same issue. It drives me nuts. She now refuses to make any meal for herself if I'm not home.
@@FloridaGardeningdiva yep, and it's not like having a child, you can't say "well, I guess you don't eat then" etc. My mom wanted dentures, it was a fiasco and now she won't wear them! So at dinner time we have to blend her food. I got her a handheld immersive blender and didn't blend her food up, I told her she could do it! And she did but she looked very surprised at the change. Lol
Tell me about it I’m in a nightmare that is slowly getting worse with my mother. I love her to death we help each other with the rent but anytime I have to discuss the word money she gives me anxiety I don’t know what’s up with that word in her but it Center over the roof, even though I hope her with everything that I can.
There Is not a senior Center in the neighborhood? They provide family meals, clases and crafts.
Omg!!! Me too!! Super frustrating 😣
Reading the comments is almost the best part of this video. I left Mum yesterday to fly back out to London where I work the same night she breaks her shoulder. Since she has fired her caretaker she now lies in bed with no-one looking after her. Managing things for her out of London is hell and I want to quit my job just to be closer to her. Which would be stupid at my age. Someone earlier described it as well - once I have a bit of distance, I worry and feel guilty, once I’m there to try to help, frustrated, angry and upset as well. Thanks all for sharing these comments are full with soul for me.
I totally understand this, and it breaks my heart.
Can you move her to London? If not you may consider calling her an ambulance so she gets the care she needs.
Thank you for your kind words. Eventually she fell and broke her shoulder meaning that she needed to go into emergency care, where she stayed for 6 months and hated it. She recently moved into assisted living, which was the best for everyone. Obviously I am really relieved, but I think to an extend so is she. With sadness of course to accept her need for help, but at least she is in good care now. @@stealthwarrior5768
My dad, keeps falling. Complaining he might fall. I drive 1000 miles, buy him a walker, he refused to use it. He complained he couldn't get down low enough to sit on the toilet. I buy a high seat with handles, his answer was get that out of here! He complained he was worried he'd fall in the shower. I bought a shower chair and a grab handle for the shower. He yelled, get that out!
Finally he fell, broke his hip, in rehab for 6 weeks.
On and on the saga goes. Now he wants me to come out because his foot hurts. Last time I was out for 8 weeks, he absolutely refused for me to get hired help lined up so he'd have help just a phone call away. Nope, I'm the phone call away.
Refuse to see him unless he eats organic raw veggies and fruits. It is only these foods that cause a person to be strong.
Do we have the same father??? OMG - same story.
At least u don't live with them
this sounds like my situation. She is five hours away and does not want to be a burden on me (moving closer), or does not want the stress of moving. She needs help with everyday activities, and keeping one insurance, using the phone, making decisions, because she either doesn't make one, or changes her mind often. She likes any change to be her decision, I am fine with that, of course, if she would make them and stick to them.
My grandma uses a stroller in her home...she has carpet...she insists to put rugs down. Rugs she can slip on, rugs her nurse has told her to remove, rugs I have to tape down. Because she's scared of dirt or water then complain about almost tripping. I give up!
I went thru it a very long time. . You need to pray...God shows you how to make it through when you ask for help...that is absolutely how to do it...:)
In prayer😘
I think I might fall into the "waited too long" category. I've left voice messages for several elder care agencies this morning to get advice on how to get help for my parents-no return calls yet. Out of complete desperation, my mom asked me to pick up her prescriptions yesterday as she had been out of her meds for almost a week. My stepdad is very ill with terminal cancer and my mom is his caregiver. They both appeared to be in very poor condition, physically, when I visited yesterday.
They have socially isolated themselves for years prior to the pandemic. It's probably been a decade since they had any visitors to their house aside from me, and I'm only allowed to stand at the front door, no one is allowed to enter the home. My mom is mortified of their hoarding issues, is partially disabled and is now having trouble with things like fixing meals and bathing. Her clothes were all ripped up thanks to a puppy my mom decided to adopt about 6 months ago. It's a german shepherd puppy, and it is completely untrained and is presenting a huge hazard to their safety. She has said that the dog has tripped her before. I suspect the puppy was a way to have an excuse to keep them living in the house. I can hear my mom now, "I can't move to a little apartment with a big dog! The dog has to have a yard!" 😣
I did get eyes on my stepdad, he looked terrible, but was awake and able to stand up to say hello. He did not participate in the conversation, and I suspect that two years of chemo have left him mentally impaired. Both of their cars are broken down now, so they are completely dependent on delivery services for groceries. They haven't taken the trash to the curb since last September. I don't know where they are storing all their garbage, but they are definitely storing it somewhere in the house.
I'm one sibling of 6, and the other 5 kids are estranged. A part of me wants to just pretend everything is fine, they are adults who can make their own decisions. There's another part of me that knows that I'm the one who will have to deal with any aftermath of a crisis and would really prefer to avert that crisis first. I suppose that is selfish of me to want them to bend to my will for my comfort. I think I'm going to have to get some authorities involved, but I wish there was another way.
I've been using "I" statements when talking about helping them move to a safer home, but it doesn't matter. My mom, who is in control of everything--money, access, medical care, etc.-- keeps pretending that everything will be better soon and she'll just take care of getting them moved into an apartment herself. She's had magical thinking for as long as I can remember, but this just seems beyond the pale for what she says she thinks is going to happen moving forward. "When [stepdad] is better..." is how most of our conversations go when talking about me helping them move.
Sorry for the novel length comment. I have friends who have had to help their parents transition to senior living, but in those cases, the parents were in agreement that help was needed. My mom, however, is waiting for Jesus to show up and make everything perfect for her. I wonder, though, if Jesus --in the flesh-- showed up, if she would accept his help? Probably not...
that's a huge weight to lift on your own but there's sadly only so much you can do. My heart goes out to you.
Such a difficult situation
Praying for you, I know how terribly difficult this is! I deal with brothers who barely help and I’m the only girl!
Ma'am don't beat yourself up. My mental health provider told me that "you can't parent the parent and sometimes you have to let them fail".
Yes, Ms Gen. I WOULD DEFINITELY GET THE AUTHORITIES INVOLVED.
My mother will never, ever accept any kind of help other than her daughters'. She has said so herself. I doubt even a serious fall and bazillions of broken bones will ever ever ever change her mind. In Canada there is no legal recourse for this type of situation. You can't force help on a person over 18 who is of sound mind enough to make their own decisions, even if said decision might eventually lead to an accident or even more ill health. Good luck to anyone living this situation. It's hell.
I am in this exact situation. It is very difficult coming across someone who has/is living this situation. The physical, emotional, and mental toll it takes on you in monumental.
I'm living this exact situation right now. She even fell 6 weeks ago and broke her shoulder. I stayed with her at the hospital and when she got home, she didn't want any caregivers there - except me (I live 2 miles from her) or my two sisters who live out of state and can't come. She doesn't want strangers in her home, caring for her, cooking her meals, cleaning her house, helping her in any way. No meal delivery services, no house cleaners, no Visiting Angels, no nothing. Even when neighbors bring food, she dumps it in the trash. Like in your situation, no amount of broken bones or anything will change her mind on outside help. It's her daughters or no one and we're all older with health problems of our own.
In the end you can only do so much and our parents have no choice but be helped by others. When we were kids tgey sent us to school and childcare so they could work but now they expect us to have their care 24/7. It's just not realistic.
@@stealthwarrior5768 You nailed it! My mother expects me to quit my job, let my house go into foreclosure, abandon my husband, and move 1,200 miles so I can be her live in care taker. When I said "no", she became furious and stopped taking my calls. I guess she forgot that 20 years ago when her own mother was old, Mom didn't drop everything to go care for her... My Grandma had a live in healthcare worker.
@@diana6842 Ditto - my mother will not accept any help from a professional... she wants me to do it. (me: 62 year old disabled vet who lives in another state)
My 80 year old mothers power is out. We had a bad storm last night. I’m about 1 hour away. One of my daughters is 30 minutes away. My daughter took her a cooler with ice and cold drinks. My mother has made it clear that she will not go to our homes. It really hurt ! I could never ever refuse my children s help. I love them so much I just can’t hurt them. See my dad left my mom & me when I was 2. So I’ve been the one to care for her over the years. I’ve felt it was my responsibility. Even when she had another daughter out of wedlock when I was 10 I still felt like I was responsible. I would work to help buy groceries. And I cleaned the house from the time I was 6/7. I started mowing the grass at around 9 years old so my mother would not have to do it after she worked at sears all week to support us. My mother doesn’t realize that I want her to have independence. I want her to have a car and money. So she can go buy anything she wants. I would fix up a beautiful tiny house for her she doesn’t have to live with me. I want better for her. I have lived in this home for 6 years now. She came out one time. We needed her. And she came to watch our dogs for 5 days. After 3 she left and we had to come home early. I have no idea why. We had everything she could possibly want. My youngest daughter was here too. It was the last time she saw my youngest daughter. I guess she will never see her again. My daughter is in her last year of graduate school now and plans to live in another state. We also plan to move to that state. So my mother will be very Alone then. Because I’m a flight away at that point. And I am not supposed to fly. I have a spinal cord stimulator implant due to a spin injury from a plane crash and from arthritis. But I’ll fly to come help her. I guess I have no choice. Because she refuses to allow me to set her up in a really nice place with help near by. I have given it much thought. And moving to where my daughter is the best option for me. I hope my oldest will follow. We are going to buy a larger home and property where we have room. There is definitely room for my mother. But she will never come. She lives in a very high crime city And she’s not safe. But it’s her choice. She chooses high crime and extreme hardship over me her daughter who would really like to spend some days enjoying her company. It’s sad! Who dose that ? On one hand you have a little house worth nothing an old car that probably doesn’t have much longer to run in a very dangerous high crime area when you could go live with your daughter where she could decorate a gorgeous tiny home give you a newer nicer car. Even money she you would never have to worry about bills or anything again. But you choose high crime over family and real freedom. This worry will be the death of me.
Try to focus on those who will accept your care, including yourself.
He keeps saying that I am dead
Release it. (This is easier said than done, I know. I'm also talking to myself.) Remember this with your own children, do better with your own children. Use this seemingly closed door to ensure you remain open to the ones who active and positively love you. 😘
Something you touched on is so important and needs to be really looked at, changed, or something. It's about Adult Protective Services. First, I need to tell you a little about my dad. He's an abusive narcissist hoarder. Before he lost his home, it was a horror. No electricity worked, rats chewed through the wires, no refrigeration, heating, air conditioning, and junk piled to the ceiling with small paths through them. Floors were falling through in areas. This all spilled to the outside of the home and covered 2 full acres. On top of that, he has MS and diabetes, and is in his early 70s and literally sometimes has to crawl from the living to his bed. He is also mentally ill, and said that one of his grandchildren planned to shoot and kill him. I heard that conversation and it's not even close to true. He's burned all his bridges, of course and now he's living in a travel trailer in a park and the living conditions are already just as bad as in the house he was in. So, my mom (who is separated from him and lives with me, the "scapegoat") and my sister have both tried to help him to hire someone to do repairs, cleanup, and eventually suggested retirement home. All of these things he refuses to this day. He refuses all senior resources like Meals on Wheels and transportation, etc. We have called Adult Protective Services (the point of my post), and they went out to talk to him and give him pamphlets, telling him resources and help available to him, etc. And he listened and they left but of course, my dad just throws it in the garbage, refusing help.
Here's the problem I have with Adult Protective Services and why I am so grateful for your video. They were NO HELP to us. They were simply too focused on "he has his rights to live how he wants"... I said "But he owns several guns and he's mentally ill, and afraid his grandson wants to kill him! Isn't there SOMETHING we can do based on that for safety of others, himself?" they said the only thing we can do is take him to court to get conservatorship but that it's expensive and hard to do. This didn't come from just one visit and team that went out to his house, it came from THREE. The same thing.... there is simply nothing we can do. Our dad lost all the money he had and then out of the blue sold his house without anyone knowing for pennies on the dollar for what it was worth, not giving any of us a chance to at least buy it and turn it over. But, that's beside the point except to say that there is no money left for the court that APS said we need. Nothing. We're left with only one option. Take his abuse to get him to his doctors appointments and to bring him food and take a verbal pounding while doing it. That's IT!! And, as Wayne Dryer has said "allowing yourself to be abused is an act of abuse". Seriously, he is VERY verbally abusive. The one person that takes it well is my poor mom. And, I know that with things how they are and the experience I've had with Enablers Anonymous, is that she is probably hurting him more than helping him by helping him at all. BUT, in your video you gave options I didn't know about and I am definitely going to make calls. So I want you, and others to know just how unhelpful APS is to families in situations like this. (or, how they CAN be, I'm sure that some are more helpful than our experiences with them, somewhere). And I think this needs to be addressed. I'm going to write some letters and do what I can, but I wanted to get this out there. Thank you so much for your wonderful advice, it's just what we needed!
@God Wins wow, that's such a hard horrible situation! You are right! Most people don't want APS to get involved out of some fear. They don't realize that APS can be a great advocate. However, because of its voluntary nature, the staff can't always help, their hands are tied. But I do applaud you for looking towards APS for help. I do have one suggestion regarding getting conservatorship. Yes it is expensive, (several thousand dollars) and takes time (6-12 months). If cost is prohibiting you from pursuing this, there are ways that you can apply for conservatorship without paying an attorney (if you meet the financial criteria). Do an internet search for " Superior court conservatorship" and look for the self help section. You should be able to locate the forms necessary to apply for conservatorship by yourself, without using an attorney. Each county should also have a Legal Aid department that can assist with this process and they often have workshops to help walk you through the process. You might also be able to find a Legal Assistant who can help with the process, instead of an attorney, at a fraction of the cost. Even though the process could be free, there are still court costs associated with obtaining conservatorship. Again, if you yourself are low income, you can ask the court to waive these fees. As as far as the time it takes.....well, time is going to pass whether you are going through the process of conservatorship or not and dad will still need this intervention in 6-12 months, so may as well get started now! I hope this was helpful info. Keep us posted on how it goes!
I've cleaned up all the extra unneeded stuff in my mom's home. At least that's done. But she has a phobia of moving. She told me once she'd rather die than move. The more I accept that her wishes are her's then I feel at peace. Yes it's tough to see her ailing and falling at times but that's what she wants is to live in her own home. I live with her. I'm the only sibling that helps. My other sisters refuse to help because of PTSD issues from our past. So it's all on me. She has balance issues and has fallen four times within a year and a half. I'm thinking once she recovers from this recent fall I'll get her in swim therapy class to help w balance and strength. Otherwise if she keeps falling idk what to do. I have to work. We can't afford to pay someone to be here. My life has been stunted because of my traumas from the past and now having to deal with this issue w my mom. My mom is a hermit. She has no friends and wants it that way. But all I can do is know that I'll be able to handle the future and maybe she will finally realize I need a life too besides just dealing with her. I feel sorry for her that her other adult children abandoned her. We've healed our issues with each other. I just hope I get help when I can't take this any longer.
Your Mum is my Mum.
Thank you. Thanks for letting me know I can't make my parent do something different even though I know it's not the safest. I feel like I am responsible but I am not.
I’m dealing with terrible stress and now health issues because my parents both are older and in bad health , can’t do anything around the huge 3,000 square foot house anymore and I’m stuck taking care of them but they won’t downsize and move to a smaller one level place. I’m 50 years old now and the house is in bad shape, filthy and full of junk everywhere in it. It took me 3 years to get them to do their wills and now it’s been taking me even longer to convince them the time to move is now. The stress is killing me big time and I don’t know what else to do. I’m the one who has the responsibility of handling this house when time comes to do so and I want to deal with it all now, not later down the road when I won’t physically be able to do anything anymore. I need some good advice on what I should do.
I'm pretty much in the same situation as you are, Dad has Apashia, Mom has some issues, I saw that they needed help about 6 months ago, came in and did a lot of things that needed to be done, things got a bit better but now are slipping again, I have to walk the fine line of trying to help them but not upset them and tick them off. I called an outfit that can come in and help with things, they met my parents, made some suggestions, but Mom read the literature and absolutely refuses to have them come in, doesn't "trust" anyone, but they don't take care of themselves like they need to, I try to talk to her about it and tell her we are only trying to help, not "bully" them into changes, but it is like pulling teeth. We are slowly cleaning up the house, like your parents they have junk all over, magazines, car parts, junk etc. We are slowly cleaning things up but my Mom wants to fight us most of the time, "don't throw that out", "what are you doing with that?" but we just tell her this stuff HAS to be done and we do it, but we tell her all the time "we're only trying to help". It also was a nightmare getting them to get their wills in order, I am the only child so it is all on me and my wife, they have other homes and cars and things that they will never use again or drive again but go crazy when we suggest selling them!
It is maddening, we know what needs to be done for them to live the best that they can but also have to listen to what they want, somewhat.....
Best of luck, I understand! I coached youth soccer for 21 years but quit to help clean this up, it is taking much of my time, I work full time, and they are either going to let us clean it up and have someone come in a few times a week to help them or they'll have to move to an assisted living facility, they can't go on like this and neither can we, but it is like a wrestling match with them mentally most of the time!!
Sean and Les - similar situation for me. The stress is unrelenting, there is some problem with them almost every day. Hard to live life like this and it seems that dealing with them is the center of our lives. Don’t get me wrong, I love them but the burden is sooo heavy that it’s affecting me amd getting me more anxious. God bless us all as we deal with this!💜
@@claudiacanales2662 Mine got so bad that a week ago I took them to the emergency room so they could be admitted and sent for short term rehab, and then they will go into the assisted living place right next door that we toured 2 weeks ago. It was getting so bad I couldn't stand to see them like this, they weren't living just existing, barely, so I took the advice of the guy from the assisted living place and that's what I did. It'll be an adjustment for us all but it was needed, they couldn't take care of themselves or each other anymore and it is heartbreaking, but I just have to keep telling myself that they are now getting help.
Good luck, it's exasparating I know!
@@lesschoenberger3070 i understand that it' s not easy for you..but just remember that it was not easy for them to raise you up, specially your mom who carried you for 9 mths, who woke up every night to feed when you were an infant,...just remember that when you get tired or frustrated. Remember also that it is a blessing to have them and you don' t know for how much longer they will be around.
Pls i beg you, do NOT put them in a nursing home! Sacrifice yoursel for them. Love is patient and sacrificial.
But i understand your frustration coz i am going throug the same phase with my mom. But when thing are hard, i command myself to look up to the old good times, and i value also the present time spent together. Once they are gone, you can never get back that time.
@@nikkinikki3896 They have been in assisted living since October and are 100 times better than they were, there was no way I could NOT put them in, my father has Apashia and Dementia, my mom has mild dementia and AFIB and was not taking her meds right nor were they eating, sleeping or washing, there was absolutely no choice but to put them in assisted living, it's NOT a nursing home, they are well taken cared of and happy and healthy, there was no way I could do what they are doing for them.
The problem with my father is, he has moments where he's sharp and other times when he acts like a teenager. Sounds terrible, I told mom I wanted him to go first because I knew he was going to be trouble. It's worse for me because I'm an only child and his family are scattered. The neighbors have been helpful. My son has tried to talk him into moving in. Yeah, the situation sucks.
Raw, organic veggies and fruits will help his condition. Actually, they are the healer of all that is hurt about people. Sugars and carbs need to be burned off with exercise or they clog up the blood vessels and liver and kidneys and brain.
Was able to finally get the throw rugs thrown out after my dad tripped and fell on one of them. Trying to make their house more elderly-proof.
Thanks for this empathy. I’m an LPC and have manipulative elderly in-laws. This empathy was nice to know that I’m not the only one going through these issues, but I felt the advice was a little bit PG and didn’t really get to the severity of situation such as unsafe elderly driving that could kill not only your elder but could also kill other people when they get behind the wheel. These are not things that we can take a gentle stance on… I have been scouring to find a solution to keeping an elder person safe from driving and it seems as though the only solution is to wait for them to kill themselves or someone else. It’s not your fault, I just think there’s no answer to some things.
@W Lenore, we just, over this past weekend, had my father in law's vehicle taken from him. His physician had his license revoked, previously admonishing my husband about how he does not need to be driving (MONTHS ago). As of Thursday of last week, he received the revocation letter from the state and he cursed it and was going to drive anyway, completely irrational about the reasons behind it being brain tumor, seizures and the like. So our daughter & son in law came and distracted him, got his keys and fire arms and told them what was taking place and he became belligerent, threatening to shoot them and his son. It's been a real Dr Phil sh*t show at his house. As of today, there is a tiny tad of resolve that he will have a "driver" person come to take him to breakfast and lunch (as he was driving twice a day!). I believe this whole episode has greatly increased his decline. He is way more upset about this than the death of his wife of 52 years. Sad. We've had discussions about "we know this day is coming where you can't drive anymore...."
People aren't naturally elderly. What they eat is what causes the weakness. Do not be around your in laws unless they agree to eat raw organic veggies and fruits. No processed, sugary carbohydrates allowed. You can find books by Dr. Lustig that say Sugar is a Poison. If not exercising off the body all of those processed foods, they will clog the arteries and organs like the liver and kidneys. All dis-eases come from being clogged up with foods we should not be eating.
I agree. My mom's car broke down and it's not getting fixed. I always worried she would wreck into a car with a child in it. Their doctor can take their license away IF they go to a doctor.
We had to get the doctor to tell her she couldn’t drive anymore and if that didn’t work we were going to do the form at the dmv that declares them unable to drive anymore. She finally gave it up when she finally admitted she could barely even walk to the garage to get it out, which she kept denying. She’s 85. But the only thing that really worked in my opinion was she got exposed to some relatives who couldn’t believe how mean and irrational she was acting (no news to us scapegoats) and that did it. She finally gave in.
My husband’s mother is a lost cause. She has been sending all her money to scammers from Nigeria. She also has some very poor hygiene habits, and doesn’t clean up after her dog. The nursing home doesn’t even want her.
My in-laws are incredibly frail, have many serious conditions, and it’s unsafe for them to be alone in their house without round-the-clock care. But they absolutely REFUSE our attempts to get the care they need. They will not go into an assisted-living facility (they have the money and in fact have been paying over the years to be able to move if it were necessary). Nope, they insist on living at home. They refuse to have anyone come to the house to care for them. We are all at our wits end. Additionally, we don’t live near them; we’re scattered all around the country. Both are fall risks. In fact, they fall regularly. Thank God their falls weren’t bad falls. We’re all freaking out because it’s only a matter on time something dire happens. Legally, we have no recourse. 😢 They are both 89.
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If they don't want your help then mind your dam business. Old people aren't 10 year olds.
@@sinebar I agree
Damn hardcore, I hope i wun bec dementia or burden ppl next time. I got social wker in to diagnose old fogey, said the arse refused help. Despise Old!!
Can you move in with them temporarily? Or have them move in?
I am struggling right now. My parents are hoarders and won't let me even move anything to help. The other issue is my mother is giving away her money to random people on the internet and is angry when I don't help her access Zelle to make it easier for her to get ripped off. Nevermind that she's disabled.
In my area I tried getting help for my mom but since she refused to cooperate they just disappeared. I decided no more because people started blaming me and complaining to DHS…so I decided it’s not worth risking my sanity and stability and safety. Now my sister is last resort for my mom and they’ve alienated me due to sister’s husband. Life sure gets crazy!
Thank you so much for being Frank and right on spot regarding how difficult it is mentally and emotionally being the 'kid' caregiver dealing with issues.
Thank you so much 😔 great advice. It's so hard to accept, but I love my momma & I want her to be happy the rest of her days.
You are so welcome! You have lucky Momma!
So glad to find support on your channel . My mom is 87 with a hip problem , but can still get around some . But I can see she’s going to be impossible to deal with . She has never even taken out medicare because she doesn’t want any medical treatments ever , but that leaves me not knowing what to do in an emergency and not getting any help for her when the time comes that she can’t do anything for herself. She doesn’t want anyone in her home but me , but I can’t do it all because I already have a problem with one arm .
That’s so hard! See if she will write it down on an Advance Healthcare Directive and that everyone else in the family knows her wishes. It’s all you can do. My heart goes out to you
My folks are hoarders. My step dad is at the end of his life due to cancer. My mom, who is acting as my stepdad’s caregiver, has level 3-4 dementia.
My mom will call and ask for help, then cancel saying she’s fine and doesn’t need anything.
I worry a lot about them. My mom adopted a big German shepherd dog as a way to keep people away. I’m now worried that the dog ( which is still a puppy) will knock them over or trip them up, making the situation worse.
I am glad of the dog as the city we live in has a huge homeless problem, and their house looks abandoned from the outside. So there’s that little silver lining…
Thank you. This is SO HARD!!
so true, you all! Been there! And still going thru! May God help and heal all of us here and our parents, amen!
Thank you.Amen.🙏🤗
I don't care about her living longer, are you kidding me? I care about just trying to survive this relationship my own self! Did I ever have a chance to live my life? No, and now she is using her old aging status as a nother way to control me... If she doesn't let me help on my own terms then she can suffer! :) I hope she suffers, at least. Oh god, why should I act like a parent to her. Give me a break
Parents who don't anticipate getting old are not my problem
You want to help her because you will learn that dementia and alzeimers and weak bones come from not eating raw organic veggies and fruits. You don't want to be frail yourself.
Feel the same way. Unfortunately I have created a pattern of care thinking eventually I get my life back but it's getting worse. Need to find courage to reverse course. End station is, accept help on my term with your input or hire someone to do all I've been doing. Done with the thanks but it's all your fault.
Thank you Sofia! This is exactly what I needed to hear 🙏
I need help. Mom refuses to move in with me, refuses to move anywhere. Right now, she’s sharp, on a walker, driving, but the house is too much for her and she can’t afford help. She could downsize. Won’t even have a conversation. She won’t deal with professionals. She saw that Netflix I Do Care movie. Me too. I don’t know what to do.
I told my children after their mother died [ my wife of 44yrs ] that I am not there responsibility , I love you but do not try to dictate where or how I shall live. I will not downsize or move to be near you across the country, or give any one power of attorney . Talk to your attorney all can be set up to have what you want in your later old age and death. This will remove guilt / problems for your children and give you the final say.
Thanks for this. Even if I can't get her to change, I'll feel better about the situation
Good video. Calling local Dept of health will shut the house down due to animal or insect infestations so be prepared to move family member prior to the
decision to involve. You have to get them out of it, but they aren’t going to “stage” that severity of living.
Very good point about respect for their local doctor
Yes - my mom is being very defiant and not doing a good job, right now.
All of this it's correct, one thing I would like to add in searching for help is what about when your parent is on radiation or chemo. all of these other things she mentioned the video or still happening plus the behavior problems there's actually no help for patients that are active chemo and radiation.. even more frustrating!! I'm going crazy trying to get help and work full-time
In my country you can't just "call in a professional" because you need the senior person's consent.
Your post spoke directly to our situation and your suggestions were very helpful. Thank you!!
Glad it was helpful!
Thank you for your suggestions. I’m really struggling here…
Happy to help! Thanks for watching!
I've tried ALL OF THESE things, and still... Nothing. I've lost my mind. My mother won't listen to her doctors. They're all out to get her (Alzheimer's paranoia and delusions), they're "full of BS," etc. the only thing I can think to do is seek legal guardianship, which I'm certain will make things even worse.
Turn them in to the appropriate agencies and document what you see extemporaneously. Take photos, record video and write down what your interactions are. Social services, APS, DMV, police. Report anything dangerous to themselves or others. This video doesn’t seem to address the parents with serious cognitive or psychological issues (or both). Many of these become more entrenched in old age. It’s a real problem as life has been significantly extended.
God Bless you 🙏 with this video
I use "I" every day, I been a cna for 31yrs. My mom can not talk she has aphasia.
What is the median age of folks caring for their elderly parent? Why aren’t there more comments? I’m 58 years old and use you tube all the time. Is the reason their are no comments is because the age of most caregivers is much older and they are not internet savvy?
The average age of family caregivers is 50-64. This should be a pretty internet savvy group! So comment away!
@@SofiaAmirpoor I'm so frustrated to read that hahaha I'm 26 from Lima, Peru, but I already have the responsibility to take care of my mom, she is actually my aunt but she raised me since I was in my biological mom's tummy.
I don't know how to act, I live with anxiety, but I get treatment for that. I know she's depressed, but she refuses to get psychological or psychiatric help. I've taken her to emergency due to gastro problems, but she refuses to continue treatment. I cant do more, right?
@@SofiaAmirpoor I'm on the younger end, only 33, and working through these issues.
I'm 44 and looking after my 81 year old grandmother who has 6 kids. One will take them but is homeless right now. Maybe kids are sending the parents into homes because of the fact we are willing to change our life but they don't want to change their's!
@@HappyHolyHealthyLife I’m 27 with an 83 year old father..
What do you do if she refuses her social worker, been thrown out of 15 facilities her social worker helped us with. And to top it off she had been band from 2 companys only in our area that do home health
Nobody would even believe my story...😆
Oh my goodness this was very helpful!!!! God bless you and thank you!!
Thanks Kathy, I hope it gave you some direction and a bit of ease!
How can you involve a professional if your parents won’t even hire a cleaner? In the UK a doctor won’t talk to someone other than the patient themselves. Things have to be beyond severe here for a professional to get involved against the parent’s wishes. And the parent won’t willingly take help so they won’t consent. You can’t put tracking devices on parents who refuse help. I found this video very confusing.
Actually watching this to learn about how people can help me when I’m in a bad mental place hehe
Thank you for pointing out that incompetency according to the law is a very different thing than 'incompetency' according to relatives that are often bored, busybody perfectionists that overlook similar shortcomings in themselves.
This comment is not intended for situations in which a person does need care for safety reasons. Some families do go hard after a person at the first long term health issue, and at any age.
@Tina Hochstetler oh you have those relatives too? Keep doing what you’re doing!
It’s so hard for me. I try to offer choices so she still feels in control. I also try to check on how she feels often. Sometimes she can’t find the words so I give her choices of feeling words. 😢I also found a support group and looking forward to hearing other peoples thoughts and ideas.
great channel and straight advice. subscribed. I found British Columbia, Canada, where my 79yo parents are has some great online resources on their seniors bc website. I spent the evening printing off seniors guides and advanced care planning info with a nice penned letter to mail this week,. Hopefully they can get their shit together and sort out a care plan.
As an alert & oriented elder, my children & siblings want to put me in a nursing home. I've been independently living in my apartment for some time now. They're not speaking to me now because I didn't do what they wanted me to do. Oh well.
Selfish of you to wait till it does become a problem. We could see that my mother was starting to decline and she refused any and all suggestions telling us she is independent and can manage just fine. We could see that it was just a matter of time and that it would be easier to make the changes while she was still hearty enough to deal with it. But she refused and just got more and more frail and of course the worst happened. After a zillion falls she finally broke bones and now we are all scrambling in a frenzy trying to figure out how to manage her new requirements. If she had only listened to us in the first place. We begged her to use the walker but she refused. We begged her to move to a downstairs apartment so she wouldn’t have to be carried out and down the stairs by someone, or worse fall down the stairs but she refused. I could go on and on but just maybe you should listen to your children and siblings and not just think of your self and your needs.
Sit back and let the chips fall. Great advice.
Thank you! Such a great help to me. I subscribed and hit the bell. 💐💐💐
How do I get them in front of a judge. My father is a bully...he is a narcissist and now he has had a stroke, a CVA. For my mother's safety and well being, she is 79, how do I get him in front of a judge to have him removed from the house?
Thank you --
Wonderful advice👏👏👏
Glad you liked it! Thanks
Im so glad i found u and subscribed
U r so on point and cNt wait to share this with my 4 other siblings with regards to our 77 year old mother
Interesting idea about camera viewing remotely. Something I think would be useful for me and others who may respond to a call-out.
It is astonishing that anyone with repeat bouts of dementia are not necessarily considered non competent. If they are not aware of reality, there are various ways they could put themselves in danger. Hopefully, this changes soon.
It will be interesting to see how all these people complaining about their parents will be as elders themselves when their kids say to them you need help. Will they say yes and go along with everything their kids want? Or will they refuse as their own parents did?
This was so helpful! Thank you! 🙏🏾 ❤
Depending on the situation, something that's working for them may be detrimental if changed . Again, depending on the situation will depend on what's working for them.
What you THINK may work in SOME cases may ACTUALLY be DETRIMENTAL when something else they were doing was actually working better for them. Maybe they've already tried something different and gravitated back toward what was working better before parrot remember, in certain cases you can't always be there all the time to know what's really working and what's not
Letting someone into your home can be risky because these days, vulnerable people are being abused, mistreated, and neglected
Let's say there's a certain piece of furniture That senior uses for balance or to hang on to , lean against, sit on, etc . Let's say you suggest moving that piece of furniture and that person ends up falling because of you.
Put that thing back because it was working for them before you came along and caused that fall
One time I heard there was a story about a judge Who eventually went blind. He had an expensive table In a certain spot to help guide him. He knew where it was and even how it felt. When it was suddenly swapped for a cheaper model, it was eventually found out that the caregiver coming in had swapped out that table, and they were prosecuted. When someone works to get what they have or even if it was given to them, that's their item. Sometimes people refuse help and change for certain valid reasons, and rightfully so. Now, in other cases where something doesn't work for them, then yes, levels of help and levels of help and change is needed only to the extent absolutely necessary.
Now regarding dementia and Alzheimer's, it can be improved and even reversed by finding out from a nutritionist what kinds of nutrients that person's body has been missing. You can improve many conditions just through diet change alone. If the person isn't hungry Much of the time or even thirsty, You can try offering blender made blender made smoothies and purees.
👉 If the person doesn't eat or drink as much as they use to, the body could be shutting down, preparing for death. That's because they COULD secretly be in the dying stage without you knowing . It may also be that not even they know it . One telltale sign in at least some cases is unexplained skin bruises or may I say blotching? I'm not saying it's true in all cases, but check it out when you CAN. If it turns out they are in the dying stage, then you're going to have to make some necessary accommodations. I'm not sure exactly how long the dying stage lasts, but people's bodies tend to very gradually change over a period of years or even decades before they actually die. Just enjoy what's there and don't try to force nothing if someone is secretly dying . If they're not actively dying and maybe they have unexplained bruises, they could be falling . Pay special attention If they have stuff in the walkway That could be a potential hazard . This is What does especially true of hoarders. Let's say you have a senior who dresses inappropriately for the weather. I'm talking about when they wear fall and winter clothes in the dead middle of summer, especially on the hottest days. No one in their RIGHT MIND will be wearing long sleeves, jackets and long pants when it's just too hot. The only exception is when they're hiding something from you, and you haven't yet realized it. I was kind of concerned about someone I knew who dressed like this when it was just too hot to be doing so. She previously admitted to a folding walker failure which I think now was most likely on her part. She also admitted to having four households of stuff she inherited. Of course she had to clean out, but walker failure in a full home points to one thing, walkway hazards. Walker failure when someone fully realize on it means that when it collapses or maybe the surface it's being used on fails, then that right there leads to a fall. When you have a pile of stuff all the way through the house blocking the walkways and you try to use a walker, even a folding one, your walker can fail because of all that stuff in the way and cause a fall. Then you fall on stuff that causes some nasty bruising you don't want no one else to see. So what do you do? Cover it up!
Now you have a better understanding of why some people in certain types of cases get into certain types of flights with their doctors. Maybe a doctor wants to just examine you when you come in to get your meds refilled. Or maybe they want to check more than just your vitals For some reason. If you go in just to get your meds refilled, maybe they go to check your vitals and maybe the cuff is a little bit too tight on that arm that has a bruise. Or maybe the stethoscope might hit a spot that has a bruise depending on how you fell. Or, they may have to check something else in an area you may be trying to cover a bruise in.... If you come in with a certain of problem or maybe to get those meds filled depending on how the visit will unfold, if the doctor sees unexplained bruises, the only thing some seniors do is try to explain it away. Sometimes seniors are telling the truth and sometimes not, but the doctor has no way of knowing
Now if you have no way to explain it, that could raise a red flag. That's why we must be careful to just keep hazards out of the walkway. If you do have to enter tight spaces, it's up to you to be careful
Remember, if you ever need to use a walker😮, even those folding ones, they're actually safe. Yes, even those folding ones are safe. If it collapses, it's just because you didn't make sure it was FULLY locked BEFORE use. If you use a folding walker, it's up to you to make sure it's fully locked and safe to use. If it folds, it's YOU, NOT the WALKER
The reason why sometimes people don't let you help them clean their homes is because too many times people end up stealing
Another reason why is because if you clean their home, chances are great they may be unable to find stuff when they're used to being able to find stuff wherever it usually is. Let's say something gets tossed that they didn't want you to toss, and now there's tension between you
Now, as for the money management thing, you can sign them up For online banking and set up all of their money to come out in the right amounts to the right payees on their payday. If the bills stay paid, then that senior can go do other stuff They Otherwise wouldn't be able to do during the times they used to run around paying different people in person . There's nothing like being able to rest assured those bills are paid while you go do other stuff. I really like being able to go to the lake on a nice day as my bills are sent . This should be a favorite for everyone , even seniors. I didn't know though that the very reason why one person in particular wouldn't come up to the modern age and get a better phone is most likely because she had a narcissistic agenda of some kind. No normal person spends 3 hours on the phone with another person once a week just to get the news, there's truly something wrong with them! I guarantee that if someone I guarantee that if someone Expected me to give THAT much of myself REGULARLY in ANY area, it would QUICKLY drain me! 😡👎
Now I have a better understanding of why some people need to set limits What's certain people they're dealing with.
Driving up onto someone's lawn and laying on the horn instead of getting your lazy ass out of the car and walking up on the porch and knocking like a normal person, there's something wrong with that picture! Yes, I really did know someone like this who would obnoxiously lay on the horn sitting on someone's lawn until they got a response.... Of course this got the attention of neighbors of the person best lazy ass was trying t reach, and sometimes I can understand why some people will try to avoid the person chasing them down. I think in certain cases, some people were just trying to avoid this particular person, even when there was an appointment with an agreement for someone to help this person with something that they said was highly important. The narcissistic senior didn't even think that maybe, just maybe something came up rhat changed plans. Sometimes cars break down or medical emergencies happen, whatever happens that can change our plans
Another time this senior was saying that during the time she didn't have a car and had to rely on others to get around, they had to set limits on her. Well, you know private car owners aren't public taxis. Even if you're willing to pay for gas, don't rely on others to Pack you around all the time. Let's say you have something Important to go do in the morning and the narcissistic senior comes along knowing you have an appointment at a certain hour and makes some kind of clever excuse to get a ride.... Let's say you must be somewhere at 10:00 a.m. and the narcissistic senior says why don't you drop me off at such and such a place, it's on your way? It can be hard to say no, but not impossible
Another sign someone needs help mentally is if they tend to sit in someone's drive for hours, even all day waiting for someone to come home. They may be waiting all day and laid into the wee hours of the night or early morning. I didn't know back then what I know now but now my creep meter screams when I hear something like this
Sometimes people can be a blessing, but other times they can turn out to be a blessing with a lesson to be learned . Lessons to be learned may sometimes need to be in more than just a nursing home, they may need to be in the nuthouse!
Would it be a good or bad idea to show this to my grandparent? She needs somebody else to hear it she won't believe me but I do live with her and I do Over Watch her and make sure she doesn't hurt herself in her daily life. She gave some kids $60 for shoveling to the driveway, and just way overpays people in general and I cannot help her manage her money when I offered to do it for free
Some parents expect everything to b done according to their wish so they do not plan anything wither childrn, ,they have diffrnt experiencs this is Due to generationgap
Sound advice. ❤
Glad you think so!
Call in what professional ? Who from where?
Thank you
That's where I am - I am calling tomorrow - I need help.
My parents refuse to move out of their home - and they refuse to allow a home healthcare worker to stay with them. I suppose it is their right to chose... at this point, I am just trying to make sure their bills get paid. (I live quite far away, and can not be there to care for them). Thank God for Amazon - at least I can do their shopping for them.
I like elderly people should pair up for comfort to stay in their homes!
Thanks for this video 💕😇
My pleasure 😊
I have tried my best. The plan did not work out. I must let go now.
It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Hugs
I have a 80 year old cousin who can barely walk and refuses to move out of her house with lots of stairs. She refuses to wear a life alert. I give up. It is her right to fall down the stairs and die in pain, alone of dehydration, etc.....
But what about someone who was always too fast and evil. Only acted nice to particular people to get the approval of others.
How are you gonna separate dementia from there too old to put on their facade anymore? Some of this is who they have always been.
It's good arguably the most competent mentally and physically while they're raising, Then you grow up and for a time they decline. Vices and wrongs. You know you're thinking oh your parent wasn't as smart or capable or did as much as you thought they did
I tried to talk to my Mother’s doctor, but he won’t talk to me without my mother. She thinks doctors are gods, so if he said she had to do something, she would.
What if parents told you to destroy everything what you do for living, destroy his /her grand kids by continues lies about past. but still you want to help him or her knowing other relationship they are in and they are young like your wife or husband. you still want to help them even if you you know they lied about you in your whole family and made you bad person while you were away from home to get education. i think you must have some answers.
Please help if you can!
My wife and I have been letting my 81 year old dad live with us for over 4 years now. We have never charged him 1c for rent or food or anything.
For quite some time now my wife has been pleading with me to set up alternate living arrangements for him.
He has had schizophrenia his entire life and basically NOBODY in my family has wanted to deal with him because of how his is.
Anyway, my wife has finally had it and is packing up and leaving the house because she’s going to have a nervous breakdown living one more day under the same roof.
He always says he’ll move out soon but never does and my wife knows he’s incapable of doing so.
Every time I call the SSA I get stuck in their phone tree. I’m sick of the constant tension in the house and being accused of ineptitude for not taking action myself. Honestly, I’m ready to drop him off at the homeless shelter so my wife can have peace.
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I’m just as stressed as my wife and I feel my life is about to fall apart.
Please contact me through my website at www.sofiaamirpoor.com/
They say to respect your elders. But what do your elders respect?
LOL, who is the professional????? Done it all!
Really! My kids would never offer to help me clean my house or anything else! 😢
My dad has been sick for months with diarrhea and out of control diabetes. Lately he hasn't been getting up. My aunt (who lives with him) said he just stays in bed all day and that diarrhea seems to be blood, he is yellow and seems very very sick. He won't go to the doctor and I'm states away. I don't know what to do.
Help! I need help getting my mother out of our home and into assisted living or a nursing home that can help my mother. She is a complete danger to our home if not watched and to herself. Help!
You and me both. My mom just got diagnoised with dementia and she has been trying to destroy my marriage because all of sudden she can't stand my husband after living with him for 16 years and now she is falsely accusing him of touching her. My husband had to put a report on her at the police station and ask for a lie detector test becuase he said no way did I touch her. Now she's been acussing me falsely of stealing her money and saying things I didnt say. Saying that I'm hitting her, when is her that's hitting me. She's a total mess and doesn't want to leave out of my house. She leaves her diapers every where and my house smells like a toilet full of shit. She be blasting the TV speaking really loud and always arguing with every body. The sad thing is; I have a artistic child that contribute to the messes, so my house looks like a hurricane hit it and its driving me crazy because even though I wasn't diagnosed with it, but I considered myself to be OCD. So being in a home with a Dementia and a Autism child, is a bomb waiting to explode.
@@SoyElegidaPorDiosEnSuCatolica If she is on Medicaid; you can get a caregiver to come and work with her for free.
@@Lilpeach523 Good Luck with that They turn you down when you live with other people
@@SoyElegidaPorDiosEnSuCatolica Call an ambulance and have her taken to the hospital for an evaluation Then refuse to have her discharged back to you
@sofia thank you so much for posting this video. My siblings and I really need this right now.
@riorio982 I’m so glad that you found it helpful! Thanks for watching!
We live with my husbands parents for seven years. My teen daughters cutting herself in in therapy and on max amount of depression meds and soon I'm going to divorce my husband. That's how sick of them my children and I'm of them.
I don’t agree with the whole new “hoarders need expert care”philosophy. I think that was invented by therapists who wanted a lucrative niche. The simplest way to downsize is to do it yourself and not let the loved one see what is going where.
What if the parents have mild-moderate dementia where there is no reasoning?
I don't know if you are single or married. But I hope you learn from my experience.
When my dad was alive, he did nothing to take care of himself. He had quadruple bypass surgery and continued eating junk food. He developed diabetes before 60. He ignored the neuropathy in his legs, ignored his blood sugar, etc. His sugar was constantly in the 250-350 range. My mom did absolutely nothing to help out or learn about his conditions. They were the most dysfunctional couple I have ever seen. Dad and mom are both on disability. They never saved a penny for retirement, no life insurance, renting the same house for 39 years now. I had to pay for his funeral. But while alive, he constantly called, constantly needed something. He really had no respect that I am married with a kid, full time job, and my own responsibilities.
My mom suffers from terrible anxiety. It's to the point that the hot water heater went out and she is crying on the phone about what will she do? I told her call your landlord, it's their problem.
But my mom is becoming a major burden. Calls for everything. Can you check the air in the tires, can you come look at the mower, can you do this or that. It got ti where she calls me, then my wife, then my daughter. My wife just quit answering. But it started causing issues between the wife and I. She basically said that I understand you love your mom, and doing favors once in a while or visiting is fine. But this is getting ridiculous and it's causing resentment. We both work and have our own family and responsibilities.
I had that talk with my mom. I explained I have my own family and responsibilities. I can't just drop everything at any given time to do something for you. I suggested it may be time to look into assisted living so there are people there who can take care of your needs. But I can't do it anymore.
It was hard and didn't go over well. There were tears and I was quickly accused of not caring.... I guess what I am saying is that you need to not put your life on hold to care for a parent. It takes a lot of time and energy and about cost me my family.
@@michaelh5055 how are things with your situation today?
Look my husband an myself took care of our kids, they don’t even come see us So, they not making my decisions 😢
But what if it's the husband adamantly refusing help for his wife with Dementia, and he's not up to the caring job?
i have no family help. my mothers other daughter always did minimum. she puts her family first and has no respect for my time
Our country shouldn't put families at so much risk with this stage of life. I literally am left to just deal with my Alzheimer's combative grandma while I have children. My life is being taken over entirely. And all because she has Medicare I'm screwed and stuck with this dangerous shit. She went suicidal recently too. Families DIE and get killed because of dementia family snapping. And it's not like we just automatically are educated on the safety protocols and steps to take well in advance.
My mom accepts help with the cleaning and cooking for her. But will not listen to me about what doctor's directions are on appointments and medication. She will not come to my home, but rather have me at her place from the first thing in the mornings to late at night. Will not accept allowing me to hire part-time homecare help. 😢 I am told rude and hurtful remarks. I'm so busy and expecting to be available that I do not have time to shower or eat! I tried to get homecare help before, but mom did not have them do much. I ended up having more to do when I returned the next day. Another situation , her doctors call me because mom isn't answering her phone , and i relay to mom what was said mom will not listen. She wil say to me " i do not know this because they didnt tell me themselves. All the while her live in partner is sitting around reading, controlling the mood and what is allowed in my having conversations and he gets very upset, loud cursing and slamming or stomping around if he is isnt getting the day handled his way, and will not listen to my moms needs but rather cut her off and acts like its to frustrating to even learn how to vook her oatmeal. Theres abusive behaviors there and i just cannot do it anymore
My 93 year old mother has Alzheimers stage 4-5 and has lived alone for 31 years since my dad died. Mother is one stubborn woman and still fiercely independent. She has carers for one hour per day, a home hairdresser, cleaner and chiropodist services. Mother has now reached the stage where her safety and welfare are compromised by her stoic and relentless stubborness to receive help. She refuses to let her carer perform simple household tasks by insisting she can do them herself, or will do it later. Mother refuses to wear hearing aids,glasses or use a walking stick. She is deaf and becoming incontinent. She will not tolerate any wearable safety or emergency devices,saying she doesn't need them. Mother cannot use a microwave or oven and relies on a paltry diet of a few steamed vegetables, cold meat, toast and a multitude of biscuits.
Adult Social Care Services have now been involved and mother is starting a new care package which will help her to become more involved in daily tasks, thus allowing her to salvage some independence.
This is mother's 3rd set of Carers and if she fails to comply this time, she will be placed in a Care Home because there is no other solution.
How will you accomplish getting her into a Care Home? I'm curious, because my 75 yo dad is a much worse, dangerous and unhealthy situation than you describe. He lives with rats, has no electricity because of them, no heating or ac, is an extreme hoarder with dangerous piles of junk reaching the ceiling that can collapse on him at any time as he sometimes has to litelly crawl through the house to get to his bed.... and three visits from APS simply tells me "he has his rights to live how he wants", they would say the same for is he chose to be homeless. Anyone has a right to live how they want. A health safety inspection and their added pressure to fine him $20,000 if he didn't clean it up in a week made him rashly sell a property worth $250,000 for $40,000, so there's no money, no alternative to go through the lengthy legal process of getting a conservatorship to put him in a home. He has MS and diabetes to boot. Are you just fortunate to have the resources to go to trial on it or something? Due to this video's info, there are some things I'm going to do that I didn't know were options for me, and I was just curious because while her situation I'm sure is very scary to you, it doesn't sound too bad to me since she does allow help to come in at all. My dad won't even allow Meals on Wheels or anything.
My mom was also stubbornly independent, and she did a great job of covering up her dementia. I believed she could look after herself, even though friends and neighbors said she belonged in a nursing home. The turning point came when we had an RN interview my mother for an apartment in an assisted living facility. Mom flunked the interview; the RN said she needed full-time care in a dementia ward. That outside professional assessment told me that it was time to start making decisions for my mother, because she was no longer capable of making decisions on her own. Don't feel bad about moving your mother to a nursing home. She will be safer and you will all be better off.
Scream 😱 🙀 run
The only valid reason to move your parents to the senior center is ALZHEIMER OR DEMENTIA,OR A TERMINAL ILLNESS THAT CAUSE A REAL BURDEN. But if your parents are able to take care of themselves on daily basics, why bother them?. Take care of your parents, remember you will be old one day, you do not want your kids to force you to sell your house and put you in a corner, neglecting you😢. You can help your parents by praying for them, giving them your time,conversations,daily calls and a lot of love❤.Remember to honor your parents 🙏
Some elderly who don’t have dementia still can’t take care of themselves.
How about a video for us elders who need to set boundries with adult know it all cheapo ungrateful ,impatient brats who treatmus as if they are just waiting for us to die ?
Hubby don’t like strange ppl in home only me ( Wife)