ELDERLY PARENTS FEEL ENTITLED? What might make a selfish aging parent tick and what to do about it.
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- Опубліковано 20 сер 2024
- Some of our parents feel entitled and are self centered, some might call them self-absorbed. Dealing with self-absorbed elderly parents can be exhausting. They can be demanding, bossy and sometimes seem to have no clue how their lack of gratitude for all that you do can take a toll on your heart and soul as a family caregiver. But aging and self centeredness are not normal, but what could be going on? In this video I'll take a look at what might be behind some elderly self entitlement and how to deal with an elderly parent who is demanding.
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If you’ve ever said things like “OMG, my parent is so self-centered, I could be dying in the floor and they’ll still ask me for a glass of water!”, or “she has no appreciation for all that I do for her”, then this video might shed a little light on what might be going on, and what you can do about it!
Average Iranian behaviour
This is the worst time of my life.
My friend says, just think of all the inheritance money. My Dad has no money!!!!!!!!
There's a difference between narcissism and dementia. I've studied that when a person has narcissism throughout their life that it gets worse during dementia. I have experienced a people who are narcissistic and yes they are abusive when they had dementia.
I pray that you were comforted in the Lord guide you and everything to protect yourself in case you were going through that. God bless you.
I just lost my mom in May 2023. I lived with her as full time caregiver for 2 years. She was not easy to deal with and was super needy BUT i dont regret it one bit. Now that she is gone i miss her so much. Try to appreciate and love your mom before you can't.
Just because you may understand their behavior, doesn't mean they should be allowed to continue being abusive. Draw the line, and if they continue, distance yourself. Nobody should submit to abuse... it's harmful to the soul.
agree - otherwise you are saying abuse me that is fine !
That's what is happening in my life. I stepped away three weeks ago. I feel guilty for this. Mom finally got homecare services through her Kaiser health insurance coverage. But now her live-in boyfriend of 40 years and my mom are distraught or angry with me. I am sad over this. My life is a mess, and my bank account is empty because I have not worked for the past nine months. My mom has pancreatic cancer and needs hip replacement surgery. Mom will not ask for things, instead makes remarks and will purposely keep me constantly busy. My mom has no care for other's needs and will often say out loud, Saying so! Mom is changing her trust because of my stepping back. Even though my sister hasn't been able to help, it wasn't a problem until I insisted on having home care services to help. 😢 Now we are nit speaking. I am being talked about to other family members, and they are not here to help but can message me with why am I not helping. I need to be there for my mom, and why am I not helping...etc. 😞
I agree. It's completely toxic to allow abuse in your life.
That’s what I’m dealing with taking care of my mother. It’s say toxic being around her. She only treats me like her personal slave and recently realized she can throw things at me when she gets mad because she uses a walker and can’t do a lot physically.
@@cindyb3028 Wow, that's not good. Can you hire someone to go over there and care for her. Do either of you have the money for that? So sorry.
My mom is exactly like this. Entitled, self absorbed, selfish, self centered and mean. But this is nothing new because she has been this way her whole life except it's 100 times worse now. My mom was very abusive to me as a child so I have a hard time now caring for her. She didn't take care of me but now she expects me to take care of her.
I can relate. Its very hard when you feel you were robbed of a happy life. My mom calls me and wants me there. I guess this has been lifelong in spurts. Very damaging to children who then are adults. Funny thing we had it all. Very sad.
Self absorbed, patronizing father who just happens to be 82 now. Nothing has changed.
The frustration is unbearable. 😔
I'm here because my mom shames me for my beautiful attributes. it disgusts her that I actually have some and she wants me to ugly myself. so, I just say, if you continue to insult me I'm going to leave the room for awhile. it's your choice.
Is there a reason you can’t sign her up for a caretaker ? Sometimes through the state ?
Can we start a support group. I'm in very similar shoes & struggling with resentment. Everyday I think I'll dare you. How dare you want from me now what you wouldn't give me when I was a child.
Moving my mother in with me to take care of her was a terrible choice.
Right here with you. Mom just moved in and it is literally the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with.
@@emmalee9747 I ended moving out. I had to let her sink or swim. Best decision I could have made. I still drive to check on her at least once every other week. Good luck!
@@timewithoutconsequence I totally understand. I cannot judge you. My mother was never the kindest person, but I am a punching bag that has to work full time remotely and clean and feed her. Getting through each day is a nightmare. I look forward to bedtime to be honest. I have no idea how anyone can do this indefinitely.
Oh I hear you....
My mother is with me now...
I am grateful she is alive.
She has many narcissistic behaviors that are very hurtful to me... I am working on heal myself and my scars from childhood so that I can possibly have a HAPPY 2nd half of my life...
This has been a journey to remember !
Universe has so much to give us...
Same here , i have lived with my mother for last 3 years. It is so exsosting . But when perents is in possion to not have ability to take care og then self it is not easy
it is a HUGE sacrifice to not live your life, and to give it up to someone who has lived their life entirely.
THIS!!
100% agree.
Well said❤ so . everyone is dealing with these things.
1000% agree! I have a friend, who at the age of 55, is the sole caregiver for her parents because they brainwashed her from childhood that "the daughter is the one who's obligated to care for their parents in their senior years. It's her duty. She is not allowed to refuse." She has never been married or had the chance to experience motherhood, nor has she ever had a life of her own. To top that off, she was sexually molested by her father for over 8 years starting from about 7 yrs old until she was 15. Her mother is her father's enabler even today. The whole situation is untenable but my friend cannot say no to them. Their indoctrination was very complete.
@@nancylaino712hopefully one day she will find it in her to leave.
It is not reasonable for 80 year old parents to expect their 60 year old “children” to care for them. I can barely manage my own life. God knows what I’ll do when I get old and need help. I don’t want to burden my children. 😢
Dealing with a very passive agressive grandparent and does the whole I'm not gonna be here much longer thing.
Honestly learning to not care is a gift
Learning not to care is so hard but sometimes the only thing you can do to save your own sanity. I ended up in a mental health facility due to these “family” situations. I have gone numb and can’t care anymore.
I was emotionally, verbally, mentally abused by both parents as a child and into adulthood. Now that they're old, I refuse to care for them. I can still barely care for myself with all the mental health issues they've created in me over the years. We dont ask to be born. We dont owe them our lives. Screw them. They can take care of themselves. My 90 yr old nan frustrates my mother to the point where she is just a burden now. I dont think its love. Its attachment, which ruins us in the end. We need to learn to de-attach from other humans, learn to let them go.
I could kiss you 😘 for this comment.
I have OCD, anxiety , panic attacks thanks to my parents and husband.
@@amnahaque9058 same here! Very much looking forward to my mom getting her hip done so she can take care of herself again and I can move the heck out again! Lol
@@0annonymous Every situation is different. In my case, I'm not caring for the abuser. He can go to hell.
@@amnahaque9058 I am also getting these attacks .no idea how to deal with this
It’s very important to know the difference between dementia and narcissism. I can’t recommend enough that you do some research on that, I’m speaking to the viewers of this channel. Narcissism in my opinion is far far worse because it is not recognized as a mental health crisis.
Thanks for that Rhian. You are absolutely correct. This video was meant for those who never had these personality traits before, but who develop this neediness and self-centered ness in old age. A lifelong history of narcissism is a whole other ballgame. Thank you for clarifying this for my viewers since I did not touch on this in the video.
@@SofiaAmirpoor would you make a video on the elderly parent with narcissism. PLEASE!
i am a psych nurse and know the difference. my mom has alwasy been self centered and selfish. totally ran my dad. now he is gone and she thinks she can run me and i'll not have it. she is 88 now and i had to put her in an asst living place. she wnet in yesterday, iam now waiting to hear the complaints.
Sounds like you have a good relationship with your dad. Narcisstic parents are a different kettle of fish.
@@randysmith7045 I'm headed that way with my parent. I know she will find fault with everything despite the fact that this place is like a resort! I plan on telling her to complain to her staff.
What’s saddest is when you have other family members who are selfish and don’t want to do their part. They pretend they don’t know what’s needed but in reality, they just want to live their lives and not be saddled down with the elderly. No one wants to clean fenced to urine, no one wants to be stuck indoors when they had rather be outdoors. I also have a life to live. Absolute worse is I have my own hardship medically and must give my strength to a disabled adult that happens to be a parent. Please pray for me. I need strength.
What you need is to be practical and put the demented in a care facility.
Your other family members are not obligated to give up their lives for an aging toxic person and neither are you.
Well...if the older person is atleast NICE it helps...who wants to help them when they are MEAN and rude....and then have to clean their butt...not me
@@Chataine91 from what im seeing its not easy to get them into care facilty. If they dont want to go they dont have to. They have more rights than the caregiver.
It's not selfish for them not to step up just because you did. That was your choice. It's kinda selfish to expect others to halt their own lives for elderly parents. Picking up what I'm putting down?
I'll pray for you if you pray for me, I'm in a similar situation but with a grandparent. Wish there was some kind of support group we could go to or something
Thank you Sofia. It is very difficult to deal with an aging, controlling parent who has no consideration of my time or what I do for them!
He hardly does anything for me without resenting it; I deserve a better father! I won't be waiting on him!
I came looking frustrated I’m happy to know that I’m not alone dealing with this mess 😭
You are definitely not alone! Just look at the comments!
@@SofiaAmirpoor if parents who took care of you is a mess...😳
@@mishkaned7777 it’s not the same thing. Times are different.
You aren't but everyone is different. My mom has always been demonic and nothing is wrong with her medically, just extremely evil. She looks terrible for her age and that's from abusing her children. This is a curse they carry and I watched it destroy every woman who had a shot at making a great life for herself. She never loved me and she deliberately allowed her health to go down hill so I would never have a life. It's oddly satisfying watching all the ugly things she said to me as a child physically destroy her looks because she would bully my sister and I. She ruined my sister and I get to watch the person who was Satan in the flesh literally dry up before my eyes. God is Great! I was spared being beaten to death and I don't feel sorry for her or her family. This is the karma they have sowed and now they have to reap it.
This is so comforting to hear. Whenever I try to voice these issues I'm immediately shut down by people who either brush it off as, "Oh, your grandmother is a sweet old lady. Don't be so dramatic" or "She's your grandmother! You owe it to her". I hate that there's this taboo of talking about elderly people in a negative way. Not every old lady is Betty White. Some are Livia Sopranos. It's also difficult because I'm 28 and I've basically spent my entire adult life having to take care of her because nobody, until recently, was willing to help out. When will it be my turn to have my own life?
I’m 21 dealing with the same crap my mom is 63 she’s fat n lazy and a slob but wants my money and my freedom away from me.
I’m 51 and I still don’t have my own life. First my parents and now my wife’s 94 year old father have robbed me of a huge chunk of my life. The worst part is the realization that if by some miracle I live to be that age, I’ll be completely on my own.
@@philmole1209 damn,
This Is Why Your Not Cut Out To Be A Care Giver Your To Young To Appreciate The Sacrifice They Gave To Raise You And To Those That Have A Beef About Your Wife Or Husband Extended Family Member's To Take Care Of You Need To Not Be With Your Wife Or Husband Because You Are To Self Absorbed & A Ignorant Fool When You Get Older Like 80 To 90 Year's Old Do You Have A Person That Loves You Enough To Have The Compassion To Care For You ? I Pray For You To Come To Some Understanding With Compassion For Your Fellow Elderly Human Beings May Our Heavenly Father God See You And Your Struggle To Carry Love In Your Heart For Someone Other Then Yourself
Wow you are young to be doing this. What is going on with your mom?
There is this common belief that goes around of “this person is old, therefore you owe them favors.” I empathize that some older people have a more difficult time doing standard tasks, but this “you owe me something” mindset still pisses me off.
My grandfather thought he earned the right to be an asshole. My mother (his daughter) has a tiny bit of that (bossy) but thankfully is not too bad. And she ALWAYS thanks me.
My gran is exactly like this. Thinks that because they're family and your elder then they are automatically owed respect. Worse still, she's a dyed in the wool narcissist so it's not like her cruelty is a result of her aging. Even worse still she's from the south from a religious family. Lucky me! 😅🔫🔫🔫 🙃
Amen.. The worst thing on earth is a spoiled bratty senior. They know better. What are they teaching the youth?
We owe them nothing.
“But I’m not gonna be here much longer” I get that guilt trip all the time. My dad also traveled the world when I was a kid for business and he just retired and now he’s trying to guilt me into doing more than I’m willing to do right now.
Oh yes, I’ve heard that a hundred times! Boundaries dear. Boundaries
Maybe a snarky, "don't let the door hit you on the way out" would be sufficient a hint.
Unless you are codependent, you don't need them to stick around.
@@gettingdialectic9519 nah, no need for snarkiness. I’ve just decided that it’s not my mind that needs to be changed on the matter and no one can make me feel or do anything without my permission so he can try all he wants to play the guilt card but I don’t have to absorb it. If he wants to pinch himself off from living in the present moment that’s not me that has to experience that so any attempt to pull me into a future where he’s already dead is his own fear, not mine. My emotions are just becoming unmanipulateable no matter the attempts at doing so.
We are under no obligation to take care of our parents. Just cos they took care of us as kids dosent mean we should take care of them.
A child has no free will and are not old enough to make their own decisions. Parents are legally entitled to take care of them otherwise the child will be taken off then. A childs destiny is to grow up and reproduce.
An elderly person on the other hand has done their duty and lived their lives and are now burdened with incurable illnesses. Their destiny is to die so let them
The Right Thing To Do Is To Honor Your Mother And Father Even If They Aren't Exactly What You Think They Should Be, It's Very Hard To Deal With Someone Whom Has Any Form Of Dementia But If You Truely Love Your Parents And They Can't Take Care If Them Selves Why Wouldn't You Take That Into Your Heart Because You Are Their Child And They Didn't Have To Give Birth To You Not Did They Have To Raise You They Could Have Aborted You Or Gave You To The System Or Adopted You Out To A Complete Stranger But They Didn't They Kept You An Loved You Unconditionally So It's Your Turn To Return That Unconditional Love For Them This Is What Our Heavenly Father God Wants You To Learn It's Called Compassion !!!
My Grandmother needed care for the last two years of her life. No one in the family stepped up to it, however it came naturally to me to go and care for her. She was so loving to me and my family while I visited her every day to take care of her. She thanked me everytime I came. She talked to my daughters about their school and gave them advises in a very appealing way. She gave them candy money every weekend when they came to visit her. She respected my husband and spoke highly of him to everyone. Though it was very tiring to travel from my home to her house everyday and care for her and then come back to my house in the night after night care taker appointed by me came, and then do all my family related work .. I felt a great sense of satisfaction in caring for her. She only spoke good about everyone and spread positivity even though she was suffering physically. I miss her everyday now that she is gone. She passed at 92 years age. I will always cherish her memory ❤
That is so rare with most of the elderly mentioned in these channels. Sounds like she was a blessing. ❤
And this video is specifically about ENTITLED elderly parents. Not the kind, loving, easy ones that provide a deep sense of fulfillment when caring for them.
Explaining older adult behaviors away does not help with the stress and impact on my mental health. It is like getting mugged and trying not to take the cuts and bruises personally.
My mother is in the hospital again this week because she refuses to stay on a diet that will regulate her diabetes.
So she gets infections.
Has to be hospitalized.
Gets tons of attention when she is sick.
Gets well...returns to her care home.
And then the cycle starts all over again.
Yea when our parents die..they will see how much they ruined our lives. I am sure they deserve to go straight to hell. The most failing generation of parenting ever.
Shes causing you mental grief by playing victim. Stop taking care of her. Distance self. She's making her own choices and has to suffer consequences
Agree. There’s no technique offered.
Same here! My mom does nothing to control her diabetes...she eats nothing but fatty, sugary foods that spike her blood sugar. Then expects me to get her out of her self-induced diabetic comas...smh... It's like she gets to not take any responsibility for herself and expects others to clean up her messes.
My mom just got sick and I want to try to live my life. My mom always been self centered all my life.she just got sick and I'm taking full time care of her she knows I'm sbout to get married and I work 12 hour shifts at a e.r . She is only 67 I have to live with her take care of her 24 hours wash her clean up behind her . All she talks about is herself no matter how beat I am for work. It doesn't matter cause she wants it . She us not trying cause i do everything she dont have old timers or anything she just self centered i am the only one who takes care of her she makes me feel like if I die I finally be at peace .
Nichole, there’s got to be a way to find peace another way. Other family members? Call her doctor and let them know you can’t take of her? Maybe she can go to rehab if this is a short illness. If she is on Medicaid then your county can help provide someone to help in the home. Have you filed for FMLA through your employer? My state pays for family leave, maybe yours does too...look into it. Boundaries are hard but so important for your soul, dear take care of yourself. You can also call your area agency on aging and see if they have any services or recommendations. There is a way. Please take care of YOU! You are important.
Hi Nicole, please hang in there. My mom is ridiculous. There's nothing wrong with her at all. When she's on her own she can manage but somehow when she's with my brother or I she can't do anything for herself at all.
@@breejames7762 yes im the only oney brother just passed and my youngest brother passed some years ago I think it could also be depression or mental illness..im not sure but we gotta try to hang in there ..im trying very hard we both have too
It’s called Narcissism and they are only going to get worse my friends won’t even begin to tell you my story because it’s a goddamn nightmare. The only thing that you can do is get out. She was never a mother she never will be it’s time to heal myself. I suggest you do the same and if you don’t want to, I suggest that you might benefit from taking a look at that. Focus on you. It’s our responsibility to take care of ourselves and stop the cycle it is not our responsibility to put up with this form of abuse.
Don’t buy into that. Girl I get it. Literally you have to leave you have to get out that is the only solution if she is a narcissist and it sounds like it. It will be the hardest and the most gratifying thing you ever do. Why are you living your life for her? Did she do that for you? therapy and remembering that you are not the mother you are not at fault. You are responsible for your actions but not your screwed up programming that narcissist do to children and they don’t care she does not care at all Truth
My mother lives with me and is constantly complaining about everything, slamming things. Wants my constant attention and gets mad when I'm reading a book on my device instead of watching the news with her. I'm anxious all the time. My life is not my own, and I'm middle aged now, so it won't get better.
I'm about to snap!! I feel badly but I can't take it, the selfishness, the entitlement, the dependency ugh
I just did snap. My narc mom was eves dripping on me speaking to the mail man . In so many words, she was trying to tell me I'm not allowed to talk to him and was smiling at him one min then giving me this hateful look the next. I did snap and called it like I see it. I told her she was being a bitch for nothing. She's called me a lying bitch for things I supposedly stole. Then when he finds them, doo you think I ever once got an apology, hell no. So because of all this continuous bullshit she creates, yes I do snap...I'm sorry.
Oops eves dropping
There is a lot more to the mailman story, but she earned my comment. You really have to work hard for a long time for me to snap, and call it like I see it. Normally I just try to walk away from the stupid shit she puts me through needlessly. 99 percent of the time.
Just make sure when you snap, your calling it like you see it. Sorry no one is made of steel. Even superman can get pushed too hard
My parents have been like this for years and I don't think it's dementia.
What about when your elderly parents live w you and constantly want attention? I’m exhausted sometimes
Give them hobbies to do. Tell them NO. You're busy and have a life too you cant be at their beck and call 24/7
I am trying to build into my mom's existence some routine. It helps me too. For example, Thursday is now Errand Running Day. Need something in town? Well, write it down and we'll go shopping on Thursday (unless it's an emergency).
I am new to caregiving and already stressed out.
I need to figure things out or risk my health. I am a recent cancer survivor. So, I need to get a plan quick, delegate when I can, and pace myself with grace.
@@yoag1108 Exactly. I was just about to type that. I don't think it's the self absorbed parents. I think it's about ther self absorbed kids.
@@mogusmonroe9431 Sounds good..until you're in this situation with a heavy 200 lb adult who's immobile & incontinent, requires total care, has 20 MD visits a month with no chance of improved health, has unrealistic expectations, pines for their fav children while you're wiping their ass & their favs won't even help. If u had great parents growing up, it's your pleasure to care for them at the end of their lives. But if they gave their fav kids their best years, then wanna give u their worst years while their fav kids won't help..you'd be more understanding. Please don't be offended or outraged by what u read in these comments. People on this channel love their parents. They're just unappreciated, burned out & venting. So why do we stay in these situations..some of us have morals, others fear bad luck or hell for not "honoring thy mother & father" but truth is..these patents ALL need to be placed in LTC w/o us adult children feeling guilty about it🙏❤
I would rather work full time or overtime and possibly find them an apartment close by to pay their rent then come home to hell.
Most people don’t have a realistic view of what aging looks like. They delude themselves into thinking that they will somehow have a different ending.
Which is what's really sad . Who wants to think of themselves as acting like entitled ass holes just because of aging. Aging affecting the body is already hard enough to think of it taking over your mind and making you an insensitive d bag is just awful.
Here I thought I was the only one dealing with this shit lol. This comment section makes me feel better. Thanks y’all 😎
You are definitely not alone on this ‘journey’!
Thank you I needed to hear that I'm not alone!
@@re-combobulate2358 same here so glad I came across this
Nope- you have a crew for sure!
Nope- you have a crew for sure!
I care for my 68 year-old narcissistic father. It is pure HELL!!! I am to the point where I don't even want to be around him. All he does is run his mouth every day. He doesn't appreciate a damn thing that I do. We can't have a peaceful day. Very terrible. He has every medical issue that you can think of. He fails to realize that the way he acts has a huge impact on why he has all of these issues. He's just a lost cause at this point.
Living with a spouse who has traumatic brain injury is similar. Perhaps I can help:
1) be quick to listen, slow to anger, and slow to speak
2) overcome evil with good
How do those ideas work?
Listening helps you anticipate. Know what will be demanded and do or have it in advance.
You’ll have more energy from less stress.
Slow to anger helps you think more clearly- less stress on you.
Anger in response only increases anger of your patient.
Slow to speak... sometimes it’s pointless to respond. Why talk to a fool according to his warped reasoning?
Save your energy and reduce your stress by saving your time and breath.
In all these steps, you are doing good and overcoming the evil that can so easily overwhelm us.
Tell him he’s a prick and you will leave and never return unless he gets his act together.
I know the feeling.
@@aussie8114 I am definitely on my way out. Can't do this anymore.
@@cavitycreep We will all get through this.
my mom mostly says false stuff, and even when i tell her it's wrong she never listens or even tries to prove her point.
@@0annonymous thx I'll try
Same with my dad. So frustrating
thats so relatable OH MY GOSH
It is amazing how patience we have for our children but so little patience for our parents.
I know. I hate this. The feeling of resentment is so shameful. Constantly battling it but I love my dad and am determined to succeed and give him the love and care he deserves and needs.
My mom had no patience for me. None.
Parents choose to have children. Children don’t choose to have parents . You owe your child sacrifices, your child doesn’t owe you 🫵
My parents had no patience for me. Fully planning on returning the “favor” should they ever ask for my help. (They haven’t spoken to me in years, hopefully they’ll continue to leave me alone)
Omg. This hits home
She is 75 and getting worse by the day.
I’m so glad I’m not alone as my father is just like this. He is a narcissist but his dementia has made this even worse! Everything he says is about him
You are definitely not alone!
it's about phases, you can't keep living without changing your lifestyle to fit your phase. i worked hard to get my parents into a retirement community, it had so many great things i wanted to move there. my parents have been know it alls, narcissistic, all my life, it would have been a great end phase, but my mom said i'm not moving...but they can't drive, my sister's and i did the driving for a couple years, then they hired someone for 3 days a week, but covid hit and they couldn't have someone coming in, so we're back to driving to all these appointments, because they didn't transition to their new phase, old people phase, you ride shuttles to appointments, your world does shrink. we change our lives as things change, single to marrired, married with children, married empty nesters...and old age with children who are now empty nesters....phases...transition. neither of my parents had to care for their older parents, i'm not going to make my kids take care of me, at some point i'll be on that shuttle because i transition to my new phases.
Taking care of my 83 yr old mother full time is the hardest thing I have done in my life. I do sympathise with you all. Sending healing and love to all of you.❤️🙏🏼😘🌈xxx
I found this video in the midst of my frustration with my father. Thank you!
You’re welcome!
Tell me about it
same, no major contribution to the family business other than pissing and moaning about anything and everything while i'm the one doing the labor.
telling me not to get an attitude when they do stupid things like walk off to get a part assuming the size when i just said as they started walking away "hang on i'l measure it".
somehow i'm always the one needing improvement when i'm the only thing keeping the household going and their sorry ass in it.
My mom has always been mean and selfish... shes just gotten worse.im done and getting my own life back.
I’m so glad this discussion is here with people that get the struggle. That alone does so much for me
A year later and I keep coming back to this video as a reminder. My Mom has the onset of Parkinson's and I have noticed that during her episodes, she suddenly seems like she is 5 years old, acts defiant and will pout or respond childishly to a situation. Then she comes out of it and is back to being the expected maturity level of her age. This video is a great reminder to myself to realize she isn't doing this on purpose to annoy me and "put me in my place as her kid", it's just not in her control. I can only control how I react to it. Thanks Sophia.
Thanks so much Roger! It definitely takes practice to remember!
My mother has always been a toxic mother, always creating issues among siblings, now she is even worse, when even the most patient of us, can't stand her for long, I see no solution on the horizon
My mom's creating shit when there is none, blaming me for things she can't remember. She always right. I can't stand to be around her too long either. She's so racist too.
Family carers need to be way more harsh and strict. No lovey dovey talk. Be the boss and set the rules.
i had to finally do that, i put her in an asst living place yesterday. now waiting for the "Boo hoo you dumped me >" call.
@@randysmith7045 I am sure you did the right thing. It’s assisted living because they need assistance to live. In some countries they are taken up the mountain and put on a rock for the bears to eat 😨 Going to live in assisted care is something to be grateful for not resentful of.
@@aussie8114 i came slose to putting her on that mnt top. she drove me crazy for 2 years. and costing me over $30,000 to buy her park model and furnishing it out where i live (ok i know it is in the boonies but 1 my job put me here and 2. she knew what the area was like before i moved her here. ) ,only to have her bitch it about it from day 1.
@@randysmith7045 I might be giving the bears a good feed later this year 😂 My mother does my head in, but I stay on top of it by putting up a Lost in Space type force field to repel the craziness 🤪
@@aussie8114 Just tell her she is a bubble headed booby.
Learning to say no or another day is truly important❤
My grandmother gets angry when im in a good mood then starts picking fights to get me upset and when i talk about anything good that happens in my life she gets defensive and starts complaining alot.... at first i didnt really notice how bad it was but lately ive been paying more attention to her personality and it scares me... im preparing to move out and considering renting a room somewhere till i find a apartment
Story of my life😭😢
"Old" abusers are some of the worst. It doesn't help that society guilt trips us for needing to set boundaries with them. Social services focus on on Elder Abuse. The reality is that many seniors abuse those who try to care for them.
My mother in-law who was a super narcissist her entire life got even worse when she moved into her 70s and 80s. A jealous self centered person who came before everyone. Then she got Alzheimer’s and became verbally and physically violent. She lived with us and our lives were hell. We all began to wish she would just pass and give us peace. She didn’t go quietly into that night. She did pass three years ago. Happy to say we’ve moved on.
My mother in law moved in with us after my father in law died in January, 60 years of stuff (junk) that they saved everything. No thought of an Estate Sale(to her everything might be used again), she has a psychological hold on my wife that i did not know existed until now, my wife is losing hair, and has developed a nervous mirth whenever I have had enough with the junk."Why are we saving old OTC medicines, or even out of date food?
She does nothing except pour cereal into a bowl and milk. She is so obtuse to how much imposition she has put on everyone and again, my wife has reverted to a little girl while at home, very strange to witness. Her junk occupies every room in the house besides mine and my man cave area but she's trying. Plus the narcissism, interruptions in conversations, and pure manipulation is getting too much to bare. No thought of going to a Senior Care, oh hell no, she now occupies 2 of our bedrooms...two.
Sorry for the rant, Doc.
Sounds like Your wife needs therapy for inner child healing and to grow the courage to stand up against her controlling mother. 😢
This is a good topic. First of all, I love my parents with all my heart and all that. I am NOT a caregiver to my parents but I get low-key angry when they demand for me to do physical labour. I understand that they are getting up in age right now but it is hurtful to me knowing that they are literally using me for hard work. I feel like a slave to them at times. Mind you that they appreciate it but it is hard.
Recommendations on if the now elderly parents displayed this behavior for the majority of their life, at least for as long as my siblings and I have been alive, but the behaviors have only been magnified as they've gotten older?
Yes! That’s the information I’m looking for as well. I’m caring for my 87 year old mother who has been diagnosed with early dementia. She has memory issues, and is very aware that there are problems. This seems to have taken her worst personality traits and just made them worse. She is horribly judgmental, and I swear I’m not exaggerating, if she can’t find something legitimate to blame someone for, she will actually make stuff up! And nothing ever happens that it’s not someone’s fault, usually mine, as I’m the easiest target. If I could look back and remember her as kind or forgiving that would help. But my mother has told me from a very early age that she doesn’t like me. I grew up knowing it, feeling it, even if she hadn’t been “ honest” enough to tell me. I tell her I’m sorry she got stuck with me as her care giver. My younger brother drank himself to death, my younger sister is autistic, and my older brother saw the writing on the wall and moved to the other side of the country decades ago. I’m all she’s got left, and I suffer from depression, anxiety and lupus, which has left me partially disabled. I don’t know how much of her behavior is due to the dementia, and how much is just resentment for getting stuck with someone she never liked anyway. Most days, I just want to blow my brains out and put us both out of our misery! But I won’t. I won’t let her push me that far. My oldest daughter and son in law are trying to help now. She seems grateful to their faces, but if they knew how she talks about them when they are not around, I don’t know what they would do. So I can’t tell them because I need the help too much myself. Where does the dementia start, and the natural nastiness end? I have no idea how to deal with this.
@@phylliseich2992 Wow! Sounds like you’re describing my life. I too suffer from lupus and tried caring for my very narcissistic, uncaring mother die one year. Long story short, she got so upset that no one could go to the grocery store fir her recently right then and there, that she got up, skipped town to live with distant relatives she told us she didn’t care for. Good luck to her and them cause they’re going to need it!
Sounds just like my mom. She's been weaponizing her diabetes against me for my whole life. She deliberately allows her blood sugar to get too low and then she would go into a diabetic coma. She would scream, flail and attack me whenever I tried to give her a live-saving glucagon shot. When she would wake up, she'd then chastise me and blame me for her having a diabetic reaction. I wasn't social enough, I didn't eat my veggies, I stayed out too late...I was always to blame for her having reactions. So, I always walked on egg shells to avoid stressing her out at all. I catered to her as if she were a queen all throughout my life (I'm 43 now). Last year, she started shooing me away and treating me like a peasant and/or throwing violent temper tantrums if she didn't get her way. If I try to speak in the house, which I am forbidden to do unless being spoken to first, she will scream "Shut Up! Go to Hell!"...every time. And she will continue to scream and dominate me until I'm silent. One day, I challenged her and kept talking even after she told me to "Shut Up! Go to hell!". She got out of her chair and started beating on me. I had to call the cops to get her to stop. The thing is, she's horrible to me, but is sweet as pie to everyone else, even the cop that came! It didn't matter to him that she scratched my hand bloody. He just said that he didn't see her as a threat (b/c she was calm, poised and polite to him), and there was nothing that he could do. When one of my cats was sick with an ear infection, she tried to have my cat put to sleep. Luckily, the vets didn't do what she wanted...they were verbally attacked and degraded by my mom. Then, mom said that it was my turn to kill my cat. Mom had the biggest smile on her face when she talked about me euthanizing my cat. Mom looked like a kid a Christmas. Whenever I am in any kind of pain, she gets this crazed smile on her face like she just won the lottery. My pain is her amusement, her fun. I didn't euthanize my cat, rather I found her another loving home. Mom was very disappointed when she heard that my cat was alive and not dead. Mom is just evil. In the interest of protecting myself physically, mentally and emotionally, I don't talk to mom at all., nor to I engage her. I just ignore her. When she feels like getting attention, she'll have a "diabetic reaction" or will get on the ground and claim she can't get back up. When she wanted to hurt me, she got up from her chair just fine, so I don't pay any attention to her. Dad will go and get her a glucose shot and will call the ambulance, which mom loves since she gets to be the center of attention. There's so much more that she's done to harm me., just not enough room to go into the uglier details.
My mom is never wrong about anything. She judges everybody and if you don't think exactly the way she does then you're going to hell. She is so closed minded and it is her way or no way. We are so different sometimes I wonder if I'm really even related to her at times 🤦🏽♀️. Her and my dad's marriage has been failing for at least 10yrs. I don't think they want to get a divorce because they don't want to look bad. Cool. Keep dragging each other down at this point. That is all they are doing. Just leave me alone!!!!!!!! Lol!
This thread only made me more nauseous than I already was.
So as far as taking care of our aging parents ...
It’s damned if you do
And damned if you don’t
@Wxyz Not necessarily!
Wonderful video!I was so upset with my parents behaviour towards me.But your words really soothe me.Thank you so much
I'm so glad!
Amen to that🙏
I was there for my three children and I took care of them they were my life. But now that I am older I get rude treatment. I get nothing but humiliating comments from my 47 year old. But now that I am retired and rent is too high for me I get the worst treatment. I sleep in my car with my two dogs and 6 parakeets in a cage. If my children offer financial help it comes with disdain until I simply give it back. I don’t want to hear find an apartment because no one of them is helping me. Where I live I have to prove 3 times the rent to rent I can’t My children doesn’t understand when my feet are so swollen until I can’t wear shoes. I have osteoarthritis and chronic high blood pressure. So some days I just can’t go anywhere. They all have big homes and good jobs. These are people that I work two jobs to support. But now that I am 66 years old they treat me rude until I don’t even want financial help from them because it comes with a condescending inferior feeling. I sleep in my car they don’t even call to say are you ok. So some parents are the ones getting the mistreatment they have never even offered me a closet in their homes not that I would take it I would Never. I say please and thank you. But they don’t they treat me like garbage or wish I would just go away. It’s hurts because this is a spit in my face. I stayed when their dad abandoned us but now he is the better parent. So how is a mother to feel?? Hurt very hurt because I stayed and I sacrificed so they could have but in the end I get treated like you are old now go away and die. We don’t need you anymore. I just had to share this for those who thinks it is always the bad parents. No sometimes it the bad adult children.
I am sorry. My mother was like the mother in the movie mommies dearest. I would look at everyone's else's mother and wish my mother would be more like theirs. I live in my truck outside of my parents house to help them. I don't get along with my mother, but I still try to help them. I am sorry your children are so uncaring. I can understand how you must be feeling. At one point, ( because I didn't want to go in to Their House, to argue about what I might of said to the cable guy, my father comes out and threatens to tow my truck! Because I didn't want to argue with a narcissistic mother, about some thing that would never have any resolution! I was very hurt by this low blow, more so since, they have zero investment in my truck. To take away the only thing I have was it! Left but stayed near by for about a week. When she falls and my dad can't get her up, then she's nice again. I'm sorry you are not valued to them. I know the feeling and I am sorry.
I'm going thru this ATM with my Uncle who suffered from a stroke. Ughh it's so frustrating everything is on me while his adult child sits and sleeps and only care about his dog. He is so demanding so controlling.
My dad, who recently passed away, was like this. Communicating with him was like pulling teeth. What ever I did for him wasn’t good enough. Even though he was an absent father in my life, I still tried my best to be there for him. But Sadly, his last spoken words to me were filled with anger and nearly hatred towards me. I’ll never understand why he was like that.
😪
He was broken wounded as a child smd mever healed himself. Forgive yourself.
Yes - My father is 83 in aged care is is the same to me except his granddaughters
His father was an alcoholic and abusive and until very recently has started showing how much hatred he has towards him knowing he is possibly going to see him again
I needed this my mom has always been a pill but I'm all she has..but I'm frustrated as can be. I'm trying really hard to be patient as she is 82 a her world has changed.
One day, hour, minute at a time!
Mine is 84 and she recently lost a daughter. I am so near her now as she cries. I fèel so bad for her really. It has changed my perspective of her and I am helping her more. Oh Lord help mum
Dementia and at times difficult personalities exacerbate the issues with the elderly. Even without a difficult personality, old age brings its own set of issues & limitations sadly. In a nutshell as a caregiver do your best, be organized, get a part time help and leave the rest to God. Thank you Sofia for this informative video.
I find you loving attitude so helpful. Thank you for your encouragement for those of us who are caring for elderly parents.
Thank you so much!
It is very exhausting, everyday and all day and it is all very personal and all laiden with guilt, shame and constantly prying on kindness... its so cruel and there is no way out.
Most of these parent's in the comment section must have the same belief system. That the SOLE purpose of having had their children, was so that their child could "take care of me when I'm old".
That is the most disgusting & selfish reason to have a child!!
Ridiculous. Have you EVER hear of young people with young children talking about having somebody to care for them when old? No you havent! Nobody has kids for that reason. It's not even in orbit in their universe. Young people dont even think about getting old and if they did they have no clue to even know theyll need help. So how did this obvious observation escape you? How did you buy this drivel about people having kids so they'd care for them in old age?
At least your dad had an exciting life, I can't say that for my own dad. He's the most miserable person I know
Something traumatic happened to my parents when they were younger and they don’t want it to happen to me so all their ptsd goes to me
Did your parents seek counseling?
My parents had money, and freedom, and lots of fun on their youth. I spent my 20s in the military and now building a new life and career path in my 30s while my mom is demanding, entitled, and always takes advantage of the help I'm willing to give. if she'd always be polite and appreciative, which she's is not, I'd gladly help. I don't want to be, but im resentful to them that they had an enjoyable youth and my enjoyment and freedom to build my life is being pulled to take care of an unappreciative parent. I want them taken care of, but not by me. I would, but only if she'd be kind and appreciative. Idk what to do 😞
Nursing home?
My father is demanding and quite nasty; loves to humiliate me in public and say awful things about me behind my back. He’s always been this way but it’s a thousand times worse now that he’s 82. It’s difficult to have empathy for somebody that has zero empathy for me.
Edit: I will listen to you and talk if you need some support. You’re not alone and don’t feel guilty if you’re caring for a parent and find yourself being their punching bag.
I moved in with my grandma and I wish I hadn’t. She’d have been better off with the paid people who come once or twice a day I think. Self-centered and rude.. and the worst part is she’s so mean. As a child she was like my hero, always there for me. I understand some of this isn’t intentional, but a lot of it is. “Punishing” me for whatever reason. I do everything for her and I can’t even have a job cause it’s full time. She won’t listen to anything I ask. I’m trying to preserve her dignity a bit. Then I get to listen to her complain about me on speakerphone to her few remaining friends.
It’s a tough road, I find myself wishing she’d just die a lot. Which isn’t what I want at all but it helps. I also write a lot, that’s where I can vent guilt free. Watching her become this giant selfish baby has been super hard. She raised me and I have so many amazing memories.
I’m writing this for you who’s looking through the comments wondering if it’s a good idea to move in and care for a parent/grand-parent. Think long and hard about your patience levels and if you want to keep your good memories, do you?
If you do, do the right thing and spend whatever you can afford for in home help. I’m not joking, you do not want to do this it’s absolutely miserable. Mine since she probably feels bad she can’t do anything spends quite a bit of her efforts when awake to humiliate me and shovel food into her face.
If you’re stuck doing it, just remember many others are too and no matter what you will have to live with yourself so try to accept it’s like a mental illness and not get to upset.. go buy a punching bag, take a daily run to wear yourself out so you don’t have the strength to be angry. Or, shoot me a comment reply and I’ll listen to you vent. Just don’t yell back, you’ll hate yourself for it.
My 72 year old mother is getting dementia now. Forgetting things. Very hostile. Very nasty. I do a whole lot of "letting go." Even when she insists on driving her car onto the sidewalk. Twice, lol! You're an awesome lady, Sofia. Thank you. God bless you and yours.🙏💜☺👍
It’s so hard. I’m so glad to help!
Can you talk with her primary physician about replacing her drivers license with a state ID ?
Keep everybody safe ?
I’m doing research on this because I took my 85 year old father to live in my home because he didn’t want to go into a home so at least you aren’t living with yours. The way you explain it with your father is exactly how it is for me but with the added insults, swearing and demeaning talk. He yells and swears at his doctors and pretty much everyone else. He orders me around like I am a slave while insulting me and, just to make things clear, my father has always had this behavior and now it’s just worse. He is passive aggressive, picks fights, puts people down and I am ready to research nursing homes. I am at my wits end.
My 93 year old mother has Alzheimers stage 4-5 and has lived on her own since 1990 after the death of my dad. Her stubborn attitude and stoic belief that she can care for herself and her bungalow still prevails. Mother is now on her 3rd set of carers,provided by the local authority, before she ends up in a Care Home. Her resistance to help and non compliance with simple household tasks on offer,are the basis for my attitude towards her. I am unable to speak civilly to her and any conversation is confrontational and futile because of her mental capacity. Mother is able to speak to her carers, some of her grandchildren and
other family in a lucid manner. I cannot see mother on my own because I am quite unable to remain respectful and pleasant. All attempts to resolve any issues end up in anger and frustration. This is mother's last chance to remain independent,as she wishes, but my siblings and I would prefer her to be removed to a Care Home. This is easier said than done.
Damm same.. I'm not here for much longer 😒. My ans is... Who know I can die by accident by tomorrow. So we can't say who lives longer 😒
My mantra is to take good care of the your parents, who once took care of you when you were most vulnerable. Love them and respect them when all they have got is YOU. Remember, there are lots of bad parents out there. Therefore, if your parents did all they could to give you the best life when they could, reciprocate by taking care of them the best way you can.
Be there for the ones who were there for you; your children will model that. Be the child you want your child to become; just do the best you can. The least anyone could do is, to spend some time together with love & respect.
Also, remember that they aren't going to be there forever, and at some point, you too will get old, and you too will want the love & support of your family 🙏🏼. All the best to all of us in this journey🙏🏼
@@lightinthedusk I hear you my friend, and I am so sorry for your experience as a child. I truly am. I see that you are truly hurt, but at this point forget about your parents, who didn't do right, but bring all your focus and energy on taking care of your own self. You should be your own priority. Be happy with the knowledge that you only have THIS life. Push yourself to do what needs to get done that you should do.
I hear that you are a good, kind person. Yes, don't lose that please. Stay as good and kind as you can because that is your treasure. Share that treasure with your own self. Set boundaries and limits with others though. Be kind but not at the expense that you start getting at the losing end. Your boundaries and limits that you set will boost your confidence.
Don't let your wound from your past still hurt or taunt you. You need to get free from the past hurt so that you are free from hurting in present. Bring your focus to the present. Use your present as an actual present/gift cos we are only alive till the death, which is certain and always inching closer. My friend, don't let a bad past tether you to the very bad experience that you don't want to continue having.
My friend, you no longer need to dwell on the past hurt. You past experiences, especially the bad ones, doesn't define your present or your future. Please live fully. Billions would do thing and pay any price to just be able to stay alive. But you are alive, live as you wish. Live happily as you wish. Live freely as you wish. Live whole-heartedly to your terms as long as you are not hurting or harming another life in the process. Please be kind to just yourself and be kind just to your own self. And bring all your focus on your self. You have already crossed the very turbulent river of abusive parents. Your boat is now on the other side, where you have choice to move on to any direction you choose. You don't need to linger on the shore, staring at what you had gone through, and get totally lost & wasted on that thought that you stay staring at that shore, living the terrible experience. Don't let ANYONE define how live your life on your own terms. Be free, my friend. Sending you much love and best wishes.
I have to block my mom sometimes and literally ignore her pull back my energy.My mom has a bf and a life so im good i know im not her only life line
Parent: im not gonna be here much longer (so look after me)
Me: dont give me a reason to celebrate early 😂
Absolutely! My father thinks he is so much better that everyone. An I being his only daughter I’m like basically dirt on his shoes. Nothing about me matters. Not my children not my husband not my career that I gave up due to a disability. A rare serve arthritis that is crippling. But he couldn’t care less. I’m not suffering with a severe arthritis, not really. I’m probably just lazy. And my career that I was never told good job about was nothing. Anyone can do that. I’m stupid anyway so what difference would I have had in the world. How could my life and career touched the world in any way. I might buy into what you are saying. But my father has never respected me or my mother or women in general. Unless he thinks it someone younger than me with big boobs that he can get a date with. What I’m going to do is walk away. And the next time he calls expecting me to drop everything and run to help him I’m busy, my phone will probably be turned off. Or I’ll be out of town, sorry so sad, no really, I’m done! The problem I have with that is that I am a Christian. I am commanded to honor my father & mother. But I can’t, you can not allow someone to treat you like you are nothing and just put up with it keep going back for more abuse, it crosses a line and becomes abuse. Last year after he was diagnosed with cancer I went every day to the hospital for 3 weeks . Even with my severe arthritis that has caused spinal damage. He didn’t care. He ended up telling me has my deceased stepmothers daughter on his bank account. She’s not his kid. He did not raise her. But she and her kids always get put before mine. And my stepmother who has been deceased 14 years had a horrible marriage with him, he treated her like dirt, cheated on her. To the point of buying a house in the same town as them to put up his women friend. A nicer house than his wife. I swear I don’t know why she stayed, she did drive her car through the front door or the house the woman lived in, drive it right down the entry hall. Can’t blame her. I loved her! She always had my back, I’m sure she is sending me hugs from heaven right now. Some fathers do not deserve a good daughter like me. So Im walking away. I don’t need him! And I don’t deserve to be treated this way neither do my amazing children, LA
Omgosh. Your story hit me like a brick. Even though our life story Is a bit different, it still adds up to the point that we are only there to do their
bidding. My Mother is simply my enemy. She's so demanding and Never has a kind word for me. She will believe a stranger telling her something rather than me telling her the facts.
Mom is a very jealous woman and can rarely see any good in anyone. And like you, I'm a Christian. That presents a huge guilt trip on me. We are oil and vinegar. I would love to have a loving relationship with her. I go out of my way to buy her little things that she has mentioned. I take her to her Dr. appts and always buy her lunch.
I have spinal nerve damage and can't bend over for very long, but it doesn't matter to her. Everytime..and I mean EVERY TIME I go see her, there is always something that needs done. I can never Ever remember just going over for a visit without working. She has plenty of money and she can hire things done but she wants everything free! Even going once a week to get free groceries which to me is shameful. Let people who can't afford food have it. Smh.
Anyway, she has changed her will (again) for the 4th time. Everytime she gets into a argument with one of her kids, she takes them off and puts someone else's name on as the executor!
I am ready to completely walk away. She has hurt me beyond belief but somehow always justified it in her head. I hate all of this! Sometimes I dont know why she and my Dad ever had kids. (he was worse than her.)
At 69 yrs old, I have had enough. I am so upset that all I can do is ask God what can I do? I ask God to forgive me, to change my heart..I find it impossible to "love" her but then there's the 5th commandment. Honor the Mother and Father.
HELP! 😭😳😢💔
@@bjspranger oh my! I was about to respond to the initial comment when I read yours….. you and me have lived parallel lives! My dad passed over a year ago and now I’m dealing with my narcissist mom, I’m a Christian as well. I don’t know what to do, I wish she’d die most days and I feel horrible for thinking it, I do! I keep praying that God will reveal to me what I need to do but so far I’m at a loss and I’m frustrated and I feel like I’m back in my childhood being tormented!! I just want to put her in assisted living but she’s to stubborn to go! I’ll pray for you all, please pray for me! God bless in Jesus’s name!
Thank you.. I needed to hear what you had said in the veido. I am trying to help my Dad. It's so hard.
Balanced, empathetic, informative and entertaining! Thanks much.
When I called him out on his selfish behavior and told him he might just have to pay a professional caregiver because I was about to lose my job, he reigned his behavior in and showed some care for me.
I feel like a prisoner 😰 I'm basically an indentured servant...no respect, whatsoever... they won't listen, until they put me in the hospital... And even THEN they'll act, oblivious, like I'm the reason, I wound up in there. How many times, can you tell your immediate family, "I need a break, I don't feel right, my chest is tight and I feel like I can't breathe," before they'll hear you!??.... I get treated like, I'm being dramatic, and want attention. However, if any of my, NON CAREGIVING, siblings does the same thing, the entire family, falls at their feet.... everybody leaves THEM, alone... They're nurtured, told they need to "take some time off and relax" .... I'm the only one, who has been run ragged, constantly doing everything for everyone except, myself and I'm lazy. 😰
As my mother once said "People who can't spend more than 10 seconds a day thinking about anybout anybody but themselves."
And what do you do when your parent is her own worst enemy and you get blamed for every single little thing i haven't done yet. She then goes arounding begging around for assistance from other people until someone offers to help and the whole town ends up then knowing about it. Is that hatred towards me? She wants to be in control of everything and it's often reckless. I need help lol. Great video by the way
Sounds like she just has to get her way. Do what you can and sometimes you just can't if its going to make you very unwell. Get help from community services etc. It takes a village.
Love your enemies! Respect your parents!
There are takers and there are givers. I live in a place where this is quite evident. Keeping in mind that care goals are to help maintain independence and self-reliance as long as possible, I suggest people practice exchanging one favor for another, even if it's requesting to be able to sit down for 5 minutes and decompress in good company.
My siblings do not help care for my 90 year old mother. She was abusive ever since we were small. She always let us know how much of a burden we were to her when we were very small children all the way through today. She loved to stir up trouble with one of us and watch the others get involved which evolved into a huge fight while she sat back and watched. I go every day to talk to her, help her by doing things for her. My siblings do not care for her, visit her or anything. Today when I went she told me how sorry my sister and I were our whole lives but our brother was perfect. This is very depressing to me. I hate going there to care for her so she can stay home, but it is very difficult.
So Allie Cat, that can hurt the soul so much! I recommend you watch this video about taking care of a parent who was abusive. Hang in there dear....
ua-cam.com/video/ylfJNhvEfQM/v-deo.html
please have an insurance policy and have documentation clearly done up ahead of time, receive what has been earned!
nothing worse than being the mule for this situation and having worthless "family" trying to get a piece of the pie.
your case is different as they probably wanted to shield themselves by not being involved with her but please make sure you are treated/compensated justly for your efforts.
The truth is I love my Mom. Ive been caring for her since my dad died of cancer who she was married to 68 years. Then the next year my oldest sister died of cancer then the next year my next to oldest sister died of a massive heart attack. Fast forward 8 years my Mom is bed ridden, I was doing 20 hours a day 5 days a week groceries and meds. now I had to quit because my health. I can't physically do this. My sibling are helping now. Right now they are doing it all for the last couple weeks. This is hard my Mom is at the end of her life. This is difficult for me.
Old age is a nightmare, both for the decrepit one, and the carer. You need the patience of a saint to deal with it. I feel so sorry for you both.
Thank you for your video, I understand where you're coming from with your advice. Your opening statements are exactly what I'm dealing with. The level of self-absorbed behavior is exhausting my patience. The only thing in my situation that is different is that my parent tends to be totally different with everyone else who is not related. This negative behavior is bringing up a whole lot of stuff from the past and the emotions for me are very overwhelming.
Sandra, I'm sorry! That is actually very common....hmmm, good idea for a new video! But it still hurts! Take care dear.
People do not believe me when I tell them that she is this way. One girl said, "oh well she took care of you as a kid!" People are so insensitive
This is such a deep subject and most elderly parents DO NOT have dementia they just have very little social life and rely and depend on their child for that. For that reason preplan how you would behave in all sorts of situations when your parents are elderly. One day you will also be in this situation.
Thank you for this video because I was going out of my mind today trying to run errands while my elderly mother is screaming at me on the phone because I have been gone for an hour and a half
I gladly took care of my beloved father.
He gave me everything that was worthwhile in life.
I never felt I gave up my life. He was my life.
Without him, I would have nothing.
He died at age 99.6. I miss him terribly.
His heart was my home.
Tired of being told to ease up on them or let something go, once in a while. No. The elderly are, nominally, ADULTS, and therefore responsible for their own mental health and how they treat others. If the rest of us have to grow up, so do they.
I hear you, but wouldn't say they're adults anymore, they're the elderly, the last stage of life. There's no more growing up at that stage it's just a downward slope.
Being elderly includes the conscious loss of physical and mental capabilities and brain power as the cells slowly die off or not replenish themselves the way they did previously in youth. think of it this way: if you can see all those wrinkles on the outside, just imagine what the state of the inside is like. They end up getting depressed, scared of dying, acting out in strange almost insane ways or revert to infantile behaviour mentally reverting back to being the child in the dynamic while remembering that "not long ago" they were adults and were masters of their own body and mind. Most elderly people were never ready for it.
Example: One moment you're working 40-50 hours a week, looking after children as best you could, with no time to yourself, no life for yourself, paying bills and debts back left right and center, barely able to lake ends meet, and worrying for your children and for yourself. hoping you could get a raise. the next moment you're told you're "old", forced to retire, wondering if you have enough to survive on, or how long you'd last. Day by day you feel your mind slipping from you and you turning into someone you never were. Loved ones leave you month by month until you feel numb to it all, death growing nearer and nearer. You haven't done everything you wanted or planned in life, you might feel life is empty and unfulfilled even at your elderly years. You wanted to be independent for as long as you could be, but then health issues force you into the care of your children, which is the last thing you wanted to put on them.. Then logic fails, and the mind ends up thinking in ways we can't ever imagine until we become their age. This is their daily reality.
For those reasons and the fact they weren't able to prepare for the transition, they end up losing their savviness, objectivity, logic, patience, and emotional stability. May this be a warning to us who are currently adults, to ensure that we sort our own futures out now before it's too late. especially those of us who are childless or alone like moi (i.e. I'd have to think about saving up for a nursing home, carer etc).
it's difficult for us as the adult carers, no joke, You're not wrong for feeling pissed off, that's why we're here. I didn't really learn anything new from the poster, but it was nice to know that we both came to the same conclusions in our own ways about thinking of the immense mental difficulties and realities they face as they go downhill, and for us as we watch them and can't stop it from happening..
@@derbdep I get all that, but I’m not talking about elderly who *change* later in life. I’m talking about older people (ie parents - which if you’re a teenager means anyone older enough to have had you - ie 30+). People don’t just suddenly become pathological, domineering, selfish, immature, blah, blah, blah suddenly when they’re 40. Or 80.
I’m talking about elders who are who they have always been, and it’s not good, yet we’re supposed to treat them with “Respect” (ie deference) or give them the power of being allowed to always be right, or better, or obeyed….. when they haven’t earned it. When they’ve bent over backwards to NOT deserve it.
I’m not saying don’t help granny across the street, or provide a blanket for their knee when they’re cold, or help mow their lawn. I’m saying elders (even the 38 year old mother of a 17 year old) do NOT *deserve* obedience, deference or the respect of being treated like all-knowing authorities, when they are pathological and or generally haven’t earned it. Respect is earned.
And when you’ve been a selfish, immature, physically and/or psychologically abusive parent, your adult children are in no way obligated to kiss your a** just because you’re elderly. It’s a responsibility to help your elders, unless they’ve earned zero contact entirely, but not from a position of respectful subordination. Nope.
- I would check the verbiage of your response for further clarification of my point. You speak of Joe neutral granny who worked hard, and is just struggling, “haven’t don’t everything you wanted or planned” “worrying for your children” “the last thing you want to put on them”. - I’m not talking about that parent. That parent seems to have been trying. But if that parent who thinks of all these things was also physically and mentally abusive to their kids - then maybe their perspective on their efforts was a little too much self-praise, and not enough self-awareness. If they were a good parent, then respect is what their children will automatically HAVE for them. Because they earned it.
What sucks is that nowadays because of the economic crisis so many people can't afford to live on their own so families are more or less stuck living together.
I've gone thru this including belittling, foul language, since my Mom was in her 20s and she laughs when I've told her ,"Y need to treat others kindly n with Respect" so it's not always Dementia
I have respect for my parents no matter what I never have anything bad to say about them They did a really good job carrying me us kids I watched both pass close together 💕🌹 I'm 62 now I get lonely for my adult kids but they have a life.
That being said I'm so sorry about elder illness omg must be so hard But don't give up they didn't give up on you. I hope elder illness eases on all affects to you & family Yes don't take it personally. I didn't have to deal with this. In my first Nations culture we have support and respect our elders I imagine even with that illness to be managed & treated 🦅🙏💕🌹
Thank You for all you do an for sharing it makes a difference for many ppl caring for elderly parents/fx’🌷
🌻
Your videos are so helpful during this difficult time. 💛
They are using you to get their needs met. They don't love you. Maybe a bit, but they are using you and it's not fair.
My grandparents aged with dignity and never a bitter word. Still miss them. My parents now at the same age are monsters. I will not miss them. The bigger issue is unaffordable elder care costs and pathetic care standards (most staff barely speak English), so they have to live with family to the end. My mental sanity is in danger. I've been to hell and back in life, but this is death by a thousand cuts.
I live with my grandfather and God help me when I take a day off “Since your home you can help....”
He’s always making comments on my food “that looks exciting” or “oooo how exciting”.
we can’t watch anything on tv without him literally mocking every word he hears.
Someone asks a question on a show. He goes “I don’t know, tell me”.
It’s so infuriating, he thinks it’s funny.
Don’t let a woman come on tv. He’s gotta make a comment on her outfit, voice, weight, it always has to be arrogant, mean, ignorant comments coming into his mouth.
The best part, he’s supposed to be a “man of God”.
Dear Sophia: Thank you for this service. You are truthful, helpful, and kind at the same time! Jennifer Carnes
Wow! How nice of you!!!! Thanks for watching Jennifer!
Just what I needed to hear and learn. Thank you so much. Exactly what my father went through.
So glad it came at the right time! Thanks for watching!
"Your importance and your helpfulness is not made less by your parent's inability to recognize it."
Love that!
I WOULD NOT WISH CARING FOR ELDERLY PARENTS ON MY WORST ENEMY.
We always have the ability to learn or relearn proper behaviors and etiquette, which is why when I'm helping an older lady from church and she gets bossy and demanding I tell her that if I hear a please then I'll be a lot more inclined to do it. That took a month or two to sink in, and she still forgets occasionally, but now I can have fun by saying stuff like "no, I'm good" and then she remembers to say please. Then I say I'd be happy to.
It finally clicked for me when I started thinking of kids with poorly developed social skills in the classroom. I tell them that I don't respond to requests without a polite and undemanding please and they quickly learn manners, even if it's to fulfill their self centered desires. Empathy comes later, but it built on being verbally respectful to others first.
I've also learned that she was highly spoiled as a child and rarely ever taught self discipline and patience so now I'm working on making her wait and doing things that she can do for herself instead of being lazy and lying to herself and me that she can't do it. I often say, not with that attitude or mindset. You're a grown women and adult who can do many, not all, things you put your mind to. Maybe not the same way I or others would. meaning as fast or well, but they can still be done in your own good time and talent nonetheless. They are not helpless babies, even though they can't everything exactly the way they used to or would like to. They have to continually get used to the ever changing new normals of their lives and bodies.
Encourage them to do more and only help with their over burdens as needed. They need to know they still have power to influence and impact their lives positively even though that may be in different ways then they want or would like. Be happy with what you have and stop complaining about everything you don't like it's a sport!
In Christ, Andrew
a dog is cute...an elderly parent is a nightmare
the best is even if they aren't demanding per-say but they fail to comprehend that you're the only thing keeping them in their home. they'l sit there and complain while you basically carry them thru their tasks, pay bills, do laundry, file taxes, plan and order things.
Im new to the diabetics world. My father was hospitalized and i was the only one showing support. When he came home i had to learn how to take blood and insulin for him. He told me maybe if i went to school and got a degree in nursing i would know what to do. I work 7am-10pm the 11pm-7am and then drive 25 minutes to go to his house for his breakfast and by the time im done its 10 or 11.. I neglect nyself but not eating breakfast or showering on time to where im late for my 7-10 because i overslept. He demand for things and acts like its a burden to say please and thank you and when i ask for a little of respect he makes uo his face like he smells shit and makes tbe excuse on his diabetes. He try to oick things with me so if i have money if his he will demand for his money back. When things are good he texts me to be safe at work or to wake me up and when he switches he doesnt call me text me or anything. Im just so tored and sometimes i wish i was never born. He doesnt see the stress that hes putting on me and when i say something he gaslights me
Were you driving my Dad around? Wow, I have had that exact conversation. He once pouted for a whole day because I wouldn't drive 2 hours to get him a milkshake from his favorite spot.
James, that's so funny! And.....did you give in?
@@SofiaAmirpoor I did not at the time, although I did stop later the next day when it was less of a detour :)
@@bymmijprime281 Yep. My mom. Pouted cause I wouldn't take her to the dollar store after her doctor appointment. I'm married with 4 babies and two are special needs. When Covid goes down, she will have to find her own transportation to the doctor.