I was very fortunate. I took care of my MOM for 16 yrs, the last 3 were bad but I did it all for her and glad I did. I got a hospital bed for her the last 4 months and she passed in my home comfortable with no pain.
How can someone do that though, if you would have needed to work on top of caring for her?? Most people have to work. Most aren’t living so comfortably that they can afford to do that. Otherwise; yes, who wouldn’t do the same? Many would if they could. I cared for my Mom; who did not want to live with me, in her last year of life while also caring for my disabled daughter at home. Very, very difficult.
Your resolve is awesome. Where there's a will, there's a way. In the old days, it was always that way. I got no pay. But I took care of my PRECIOUS dying brother, then my mother.It was hard, but I loved them too much for them to send them to strangers.
My mother began falling - doctors never helped her to figure out why - and had a short stay in a nursing home. She wanted to remain in her home and so we brought her home from the nursing home. Over the last 5 years, we cared for her as her health declined. She had to be hospitalized for heart failure and developed large bed sores. We again brought her home and cared for her with the help of home care nurses. In July of 2021 mom went into the phase of 'actively dying'. She developed blood in her urine bag, was hospitalized, then went to skilled nursing with the hope that she would return home. Unfortunately in September 2021 she went to hospice at the hospital and died one week later. It was sad that she died, but we were at peace with it knowing that we did our best to care for her at home - as she wished. But what of us ? If one has no spouse or kids, who will care for us at this stage of life ? Longer life does not equate to good years at the end.
Let me say when there is a big helpful sometimes surgical cure? The dr. & nurses are there every moment! But when they are transferred to reg. Wing of hospital you seldom see anyone to help them. I stayed w/my mom 10 to 12 hours a day. I seen some very tragic sights many patients elderly or young but very Ill & bedridden. Seldom did the nurses or aides spend time w/them let alone family. I seen a nurse set a glass of water on the side if a elderly patient who could not use her left arm slidden way down in a bed nurse walked away. About 15 minutes later the woman pushed Her nurse bell it was on at least an hour the same nurse came in turned the bell off & told her she better drink her water & left the room😢😢😢I waited an hour & went over & gave it to the dear lady. But I could have gotten in trouble if she would have choked or anything These big great operations they do ? They minimize the pain & side effects involved…not tell you everything sky high medicines & copays! Side effects. After care/ constpation/diarrhea/pain unbearable…All of it belongs to you after the heroic operation or your heart starts beating again! Not all the time but 91%of the time I do believe . Make sure you know Christ Jesus as your personal Savior or you have a family member who is full of compassion, full of patience. Stamina, love, & loyalty. + have $$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$+lots of grown loving children♥️💝♥️💝♥️💝♥️💝♥️💝♥️ Often too many think oh that won’t happen to me! I am too rich or famous lol you can forget that too. You came into this world with nothing & if you go out with a lot guess what that stays here 😮😳 Yep! 🙏📖🩸✝️🩸📖🙏 Oh get ready the evening shadows fall 🤷♀️💞? I know this is long. But my mothers dr. 1 of the few sincere ones told me Hospitals are very Dangerous so many mistakes are made or staff minimizes & ignores. You cannot be too cautious or observant! I hope someone takes warning that can make a difference for someone else!
@L Taurus my neighbor had no children and lived to be 95. Her husband died about 3 years before her. She found a neighbor (me) to take care of her. She lived and died in her home and I Inherited her property. Happy ending for both of us.
I agree that we need to take care of our aging population. It's so shameful. However, that money that we use to help other countries keeps us out of war. However, that doesn't lessen the need. It's insane.
@@lucyk2371 keeps us out of war???? what are you talking about? Are we afraid of any other country? We are the superpower or were until Biden weakened our military. Giving money and getting involved in other country's conflict INVOLVE us in their bullshiz. Biden is a demented moron and needs to step down before we all get nuked. Kamala should step down too for being a useless idiot.
Grandkids need to just help with grandparents and parents. Adult day cares needed to give families a break. Also Adult caregivers must help each other out. Find others who are adult caregivers and take turns watching each others parents.
I might as well been an only child since I received no help from a sibling. Mother had Alzheimers and father had dementia. They were in and out of the hospital all the time. Always had doctors' appts and was told by the main doctor that I needed to be there. Long and short of my situation is that I was always there and took notes and more notes. Also did the pill filling in the containers. I lost my job but always was there for my parents. Wanted to get them long term care ins. but their medical history had already been diagnosed. No one can imagine the toll it took on me so I guess it doesn't matter anymore. I just believe that when you have parents who were always there for their kids then it's time to help parents when they need it. Some kids of my generation don't agree with me and would rather just put them in a facility. I was single then and am single now. Hope I stay healthy !!
I’m sorry your sibling wouldn’t help you and your mom. I’ve seen this pattern over and over again. I moved into my mom’s house and, even though she had my sister and adult granddaughter right up the street, nobody could be bothered. Nobody wanted her in a nursing home or ALF, but they just expected me to do all the donkey work because I was an RN. They’re all now just trying to cash in on my mother’s death, but I have removed myself from them and I am glad that my mother had such good care.
I'm worried about this as well my mom is getting older I'm the oldest I feel ill be caring for my mom my step siblings will not help most certain but know for sure ready for it we cared for my grandpa until his death at our home until 1985 and I cared and lived my granny until her death in 1999 though she died in a nursing home which will not happen to my mother no way ..
I think most people DO want to care for their own elderly, but the world that has been built leaves people working in multiple income households, where there used to be someone at home. Capitalism has found a way to siphon family wealth on end of life care.
God bless you Janice I know that it’s absolutely the most difficult thing that takes everything you have and takes its toll on your health. I look after my mother who is 101 all by myself it has left me single because there’s no time for a life for yourself you know that. God bless you for doing what you do. My mother sent me to boarding school all my life from the age of five and actually didn’t want me. She used to say if it wasn’t for my dad I wouldn’t even be here. But strangely enough I really love her and try to make her life as beautiful as possible.
When my mother was in her sixties and still extremely healthy, she told me that when she got old, if I couldn't take care of her, to put her in a nursing home and the government would pay for it. She developed dementia at 83 and after several years, sure enough, I couldn't take care of her and had to put her in a nursing home and sure enough Medicaid paid for it. She decided she was back in her college dormitory (the best time of her life) and had a lovely time up until about a month before her peaceful death. I am so grateful.
@@notremembering Thank you so much. Mother was also realistic enough to decide on her own to fill out a Five Wishes booklet telling me what she wanted in her final days. She didn't want to be "kept alive", so I put her in hospice (still in the nursing home) after a choking incident exactly six months before her death. Losing my precious mother was hard, but she made sure it was as easy on me as it possibly could be. She didn't have a selfish bone in her body. I hope when my time comes, I exit life with as much dignity. Thank you again.
This is one of the hardest decisions a family will be required to make. My grandmother who raised me lived to reach a little shy of 100. Her eldest daughter placed her in a nursing home after a hospital discharge for a fractuted wrist in Wichita, Ks. She convinced her two sisters, one in Chicago, Il and one in New York, NY to come to Wichita to determine her fate. They all conspired together like the witches in Macbeth to confine her to a nursing home. My grandmother completed the rehab and the rigorous therapy, yet the nursing home refused to release her. She called me a month later pleading that I get her out of a nursing home. I was approximately 47 at the time was overcome with fear as I knew my aunts and mother were going to raise hell. I assured my grandmother I would help. She was 95 at that time. I lived in Washington, DC at that time. I prayed and fasted for a 90-day period regarding another matter so my heart was closer to the Lord. I summoned the courage and went to rescue her out of a nursing home. Her eldest daughter in Wichita stole her home 20 years prior and was collecting rent from it, stole everything of value and made sure she could not return back to independent living in her apt. She then tried to make it a crime for me to visit my grandmother, but she was unsuccessful in doing so. My grandmother who was of sound vigorous mind helped me strategize her escape. After months of the nursing home stalling and encountering screaming threats from her daughter threatening that she would sue the hell out of the nursing home, my grandmother returned to independent living. Everything she owned and accumilated over her lifetime was outright stolen from her daughter. My grandmother was liberated with only a generic depend on her bottom and they kept her long enough to get the social security check for that month. I found her an apartment ADA certified and outfitted her apartment with furniture. Her youngest daughter purchased a shower transfer bench and she lived her remaining four years outside the confinement of a nursing home. This was at the onset of the Affordable Care Act, and when I sought out skilled nurses to come to her apt daily, as prior, a director of an agency screamed at me through the cell phone. I read to her the language on the medicare website to the director of the home health agency regarding seniors living at home in comfort with healthcare in place. She yelled that'd what they say, but that is not what they do. They (the government will not pay us). So it was an unfunded mandate as all the money was transferred over to ACA because that populace is young, robust and healthy. So it was the convergence of a perfect storm with all odds against my grandmother. Then her devious first born daughter and son switched out her insurance years ago to Humana from Blue Cross and Blue Shield. All hospital bills were not paid and the state of Kansas picked up the tab and charged her a spenddown that was owed monthly. The apt where my grandmother lived was a driveway length from her firstborn daughter. Her daughter refused to lift a finger to help her. Instead she roused up an army and had her children serving as soy agents to report all activities taking place in my grandmother's apt. Although, my grandmother's mind was robust, she was sharper than a tact, her body had weakened considerably, and in good conscience could not leave her like that. I stayed and was her primary caregiver exhaustingcmy savings by getting her to and from doctors appts and acting as an interpreter between the medical practicioners and my intelligent grandmother. Her daughter who lived a parking lot away did nothing for my grandmother and worked toward the accleration of her death to collect an life insurance policy. My grandmother lived in a food desert and I walked 3 hours to the grocery store to make sure she ate nutritious food. During rain, hail, sleet and snow storms, and tornado warnings, she would not check on her mother. It was a nughtmare, notwithstanding her granddaughter whom she raised alongside me, called the Adult Protective Services on my grandmother with me being the focal point 8 times!!!! In the the end 2 months before her departure, my grandmother told the two social workers who came out to interview her, "My daughter lives right across the street, she could come over and scramble me an egg, but she will not help me. I anit ready for no care home, but when I'm ready you will be the first ones I call." She died less than two months later. As for me the caregiver, it was the hardest journey I've traveled and I was not prepared for the Crocodile/Leviathan spirit of continual venom, vitriole and backbiting and the horrible lies that were told to disparage me publically. I did it all with continuous roadblocks and ditches dug fot our downfall. I was not perfect, as this was being on the cross of crucifixion. My words of advice is to place your complete reliance and trust in God on this journey with caring for the elderly, for it is not an easy one to endure. But if you endure and do your best with God's help, there is laid up for you the words spoken from God, ,well done my good and faithful servant, enter into REST!!!
Mom began falling. She had worked in a nursing home years before and had made me promise never to place her in one. I kept that promise, running back and forth between her home and mine, relying on medic alert and in-home PSW’s helping with showering her and meal making. Until she needed to go into Hospice for her final days. I was there and back between her home and mine, several times everyday and night. 1am, 3am phone calls from medic alert for me to go to her were almost nightly concerning falls. All while caring for 2 kids at home, one being disabled. It was so draining, heartbreaking and hard. I love that I kept my promise but because I was so busy helping, I didn’t get that special time with her to just really sit with her, be with her, talk with her. Do whatever you can to get that special time because once it’s gone, there’s no getting it back. :( I went back to school after her death and now do what she did for many years. I’m a PSW working in a nursing home caring for many people like Mom for families who cannot and I give them the care and compassion that I’d want my own Mom to have been given had she have needed to come into one of these faculties.
Cared for my parents since 2015 (started out with a few years of “pills and bills” only, plus the emergency phone calls. Mom had mild cognitive impairment but with my help she cared for my dad who had dementia at home until a week before he died in 2018. She deserved so much more fun than the 2 years she got before the mild CI turned in to full blown Alzheimer’s at start of 2020. I was single and child grown, so sold my house and moved into hers because it was only one story. By mid ‘21 she could no longer be left alone at all, so we private paid an aide while I was at school as a teacher. It was costing almost as much as both our take home pays and was so hard to work while being alert all night, watching baby monitor, listening for floor alarm, etc, so I took early retirement to stay home with her. She didn’t know who I was or that we she was in her home for the last 20 months of her life. She just died on December 16 :-( Now I am trying to enjoy whatever time I can before I get before I start dementia based on my family history, plus PLAN. I would never allow my own daughter to give up so much of her life (and my poor mom would not have wanted it for me either, but she was my best friend and I don’t regret one moment of it ❤)
God Bless. We never put our parents in a home. What bothered me the most was being in the hospital with my dad. The nurses and doctors were unbelievably unkind and wanted to hasten his death. He was of very sound mind 😢
I took care of my dad until 2021💔 he was 84 my mom is 86 now and needs help so I’m helping her. As a nurse I would never put them in a nursing home. Its a lot but I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t do my part. My parents gave us a pretty good life. My brother lives out of state and sends money regularly while myself and my sister live in the same state. She works days and I work nights and my daughter covers the weekends.
@@carolinapascua3672 Thank you but I’m just doing what they did for us. When the other older people started passing away on our street the men that were around AUTOMATICALLY cut the widows grass, they didn’t even have to ask. When the ladies passed the women in the street would send dinner to the widowers. We saw them do it😇
I'm 39 my mom just passed away in January iv been taking care of her since 2008,I don't regret not able to go hangout with friends,my mom lived 10 years longer than her doctor's said she would,there was no way she was going to assistant living to rot.
My experience with Assisted Living was great. My dad lived there 5 years. (He had parkinsons for 12 years) My mom had Dementia for the previous 4 years. 12 Years straight caregiving. Nursing homes, however...I have never really seen a good one. The best Nursing Home is the one that you can get to and visit most often. At some point, we can not fix things. God bless to all who are in this position.
Took care of an uncle last five years of his life. 90% of the time was alright. 10% was very frustrating and had me really regretting doing it. Made me think a lot about long life. I only want to live for so long, then I pray to God to take me on to heaven when I get to a certain point.
I will never put the burden, physical or mental burden of caring for me on anyone. And it won't be my kids because I won't have them. I love my grandma to death, but at 27, trying to heal my own generational trauma was not expecting to be a full time care giver, and at that I have no problem with it. But she has gotten incredibly cold, selfish, no empathy, no thank you, no appreciation for what I do WHATSOEVER. Just expect expect expect. Like there's no one else helping you, 1 day you want to go to a care home, next you don't want to live in an apartment but don't own your home and live in mine and can't afford your own. 85 can't live on her own anymore either no matter how convinced she can. And I'm not even paid for it nor will get an inheritance so I'm literally doing this out of the goodness of my heart. But nope. Apparently not good enough. 😅
My sister and I cared for our mother in my home. My mother had dementia. My father lived in another state. He would not allow us to put her into a home even though she was in and out of the hospital as she had undiagnosed Cancer. For three years we struggled changing diapers, feeding her, bathing her, etc. I fought with my sister who lived in my home about how she should be cared for. My sister had to sleep in the same bed with her because she had dementia and would wander outside at night. My parents failed to make any plans. My sister and I were in our sixties and had to leave the work force before retirement age. It took 2 of us to care for her. After she died my father needed care. Fortunately our younger sister took over his care. He was cantankerous and only would listen to our brother-in-law. Our younger sister was still working and had children at home. He died two years later after spending time at a nursing home. He had saved up enough for his own care because he had not allowed us to put mom into a care facility. It ruined my health I got cancer after he died. I am in remission now. I fear for my son who is now living with me and had cared for me when I had my Cancer surgery.
Kathleen Johnson you're sister's and you were true 😇 angel's. God bless the three of you and God will reward you for the love and care you showed you're parents.
Please check out Louise L Hay. Try your hardest to find the positive in anything you do. Tell yourself good things. Take good care of yourself. We come here to learn about love. If you are learning about it then you're doing the right thing. Just do your best and let the rest go. The only thing we take with us is love. That's the thing that matters most.
You could've been licensed to care for her and then got paid for it as an in-home caretaker. My sister did that to my father she got certified just by taking CPR and a few other first aid courses, but if she wasn't able to do it, then we were ready to hire someone to come in and care for him.
@@tatie7604 I am so sorry. I cannot even process that. I can't do this for even 3 years. I hope you have been able to heal. There are also good people in this world. ❤
You must stop now. It has only been 6 months. You cannot do this. Put them in a nursing home. They will fight you and doctors won't help you. You will lose your health and may die before they do. Be wise. I wasn't.
Thank you for you honesty. Only one is in a wheelchair. Eventually a nursing home may be the only choice. Either way some days I want to disappear forever I am scared for my own health.
I'm making legally binding plans while I'm alert to get assisted dying if incapacitated and I'm getting rid of as much possessions as possible now. There's worse things than dying.
I was a Registered Nurse and my birth mother & her sister who raised me, wanted to die in her home. So I cared for them because I knew I could provide the very best care. It was a 12 year journey, it was so very isolating for me! I had to put deadbolts Inside the home !!!
Bless you're heart Mary, l can only imagine how terribly hard it was for you. I am carrying for my ex husband who has parkinson's and Dementia. So hard to see them just fall to pieces. I've known him forty five years, he was a very hard worker and very intelligent. Two PhDs and a MBA. Was a very successful Attorney and Dr. Of Pharmacology. He won many body building contest. Even his last win was in the over fifty crowd. He was a real fighter and refused to be knocked down. Even now at 76 he would of be doing great if it hadn't been for the parkinson's and Dementia. He lost 50 pound's in the last three years. He cannot eat because he starts to choke. I don't mean to but I get so frustrated because I constantly have to repeat myself . He cannot remember what Was said two minutes before. His older children in their fifties are useless. He has Two brothers and One sister whom hasn't seen him in ten years at least and have no idea how bad he is.. So my son and our grandson is ALL HE HAS TO CARE FOR HIM. WHEN I say he was intelligent , he was but blew all his money. No savings for his retirement. Basically gave it all away to people in need. So here we are a mess. He has the same disease that Robin Williams had when died. Anyone know what kind of help I may get to help him ,? Thank you for your time. God bless you all 😇🙏
My mother had a stroke, which turned into dementia, then Alzheimers. She was found outside the home twice stark naked except for an adult diaper. My signifigant other installed dead bolts inside at the very top of the 3 doors in the home. Another time I was taking a shower and someone knocked on the front door, there was my mom with the largest carving knife pointing straight at the person. The poor woman shrieked and practically flew to her car.
Almost Killed me taking care of my Father . He is 93 I am in recovery 1 year free of self medicating. Cancer Survivor myself .Unbelievable 🙏 I am an Only Child. It's like a Tsunami especially emotionally, and can be in every other ways . Lost my Mother too Young , raised my children .
Same here, mom's been gone over a decade already and I'm stuck looking after a horrible man. He's purposefully doing things to make it worse. He's very mean and crazy. I'm hoping he dies before the house falls apart. It's a race I guess to see who will be left standing.
❤so many understand. But we are so alone as caregivers. Watching a parent fade day by day is quite difficult. But knowing we did the best we could feels nice. Siblings who didn't help out missed the kisses I got a few days before our mom pased. ❤miss her.
I have been carrying mom’s memory care bill for 4 years now. She’s had falls and other hospitalization bills too. Her memory care is 3k a month that we pay out of pocket. It’s been a crushing blow. I work tons of extra hours to pay for this. They raise the cost every year. Once it hits $3,500 a month we will be forced to bring her home. I still remember mom saying that she would never become a burden to me before Alzheimer’s. I take care of mom out of duty and love as her son, but some days it’s hard to handle these monthly bills.
You are blessed to take care of her and your mom is doubly blessed to have you as her son. It is never easy but the Bible we are repaying them back for the years they looked after us ! . May God open ways to bless your finances.
I am age 72 caring for a 77 year old husband with multiple heath issues. I am holding on...barely. When this changes and I can no longer care for him myself we are in serious trouble. We are a second marriage, lost our assets and his children have no idea how bad he is or what it takes to take care of him. They live a 13-hour drive away and honestly, they are in total denial about his health or his needs. As a second mid-life marriage and the fact that we raised and educated four children between us we have no long-term health care. Heck, we have no life insurance! I KNOW that my IRA runs out in 8 years when I am age 80. My only hope is to sell my condo and (PRAY that I can find a low-income senior home of some kind and that I can afford that. I cannot live in my son's basement (one son has mold in his basement and a cat) and the other son has a roommate in his two-bedroom home in a state far away with a roommate and three cats. I am deathly allergic to cats so neither is a realistic option for me. I feel that my only options will be a tiny home or a senior home. I would love to age in place if possible but the costs of living in my condo will be out of my budget once my husband dies and my social security is gone. My condo has grab bars and wood flooring but there are 8 stairs to get in and out of it. We are going to be like the people in this video. It's scary!
In Alabama, if your spouse needs facility care but you do not, the state will still have to pay for a nursing home facility without taking your home, or the money you need to live on while still staying home. Contact an elder care lawyer. It will be worth the $300 to get valid info for where you live.
Checkout Dr Eric Berg pls. It’s most important that we get on to the best possible diet and exercise lifestyle so we remain independent. Take it all in, you’ll stay on top if you embrace this new nutrition (without all those meds that you get dumped on you by your tender loving gp).
Please talk to an established eldercare attorney in your area. It will be worth your time and money, plus they will also assist in bringing all the children awareness about what is going on regardless of whether they decide to pitch in or not. It is very important to find out under whose name the condo is, for example. If your name is not on it or is jointly under both your names, you need to understand the ramification of what can happen if either of your die. Also to ensure to all children, their most likely will not be any inheritance at the end of it all, to prevent bitterness after you both are gone.
I wish more people would wake up to this crises. My parents are both gone now but this is exactly what we went thru with them. The thing they don’t cover here is the “mental anguish” in dealing with an elderly parent’s attitude….who doesn’t want to be told what to do and doesn’t want to give up their car, or their bank accounts and believes they can still take care of themselves. They don’t realize they’ve lost their grip… my dad swore the assisted living facility we put them in was a couple of miles from his favorite restaurant…only it was a good 40 min. away….that was a fun argument!
Sometimes it's better to leave things alone when your mother was very abusive and is 88 with dementia and your narcissistic step sister, star child is the only one who is legally her primary care taker. Nursing homes are depressing and anxiety provking. Why on God's green earth are people so cruel allowing these nursing homes to operate the way they do? Don't you all know you're all going to be old one day too.
The youngest of six kids in our family took it upon himself to have our parents live with him. They passed away before becoming much of a burden…no need for assistive care. If I can’t take of myself, I’ll call it quits. No one will take care of me. I have kids and grandkids, but I live alone and will die alone.
I feel much the same way. However, people don’t always get a choice. Sometimes elderly persons become suddenly disabled, by a stroke or a broken hip, for example. Then you end up having to have care.
Let the assisted suicide people help you. How would you call it quits, realistically? That is the only way. While you can, fight for this law in your state.
I believe that one day it will be normal if you are sick and in pain it is cruel to guilt you into suffering just because others don't understand. It is each person's choice to live or die.
It is. But you love them. I ruined my life doing it for twenty years. Now I have no one and am in poverty. It's hell. Don't do it. Put them in a nursing home. You will still be exhausted with visitation and care.
WOW.....I am going through this now. The other thing NOT mentioned is what to do when parents are oppositional......nasty......uncooperative........and go behind your back to undo everything you put in place to help them. The other thing NOT mentioned is that there are only a handful of nursing homes that take PENDING Medicaid. The place I had to put my mom is pathetic......but it's the best I could do on short notice and a highly uncooperative parent.
Yes going through this with my mom who refuses help for everything except me making food, cleaning up and paying some of her bills, because she doesn't limit her spending. Hard not to be resentful. She has started to become sarcastic which is the last thing I need from her when I'm bending over backwards to help, which doesn't seem to be appreciated. The silent scream......
I understand what you are going through, I am not sure how it's possible to survive this mentally. It's not that I don't want to care for an aging parent, before God it's the right thing to do. I only wish I was caring for a parent that was kind, gentle, good spirited and not stubborn. Mine refuses to wear depends, and I am forever cleaning up loose bowel movements ... so nasty
@@86kellygirl omg I know that silent scream!! Noone understands me they all see dad as a lovely old man & im making such a big deal. Behind closed doors I have bent over backwards to make him as comfortable as possible. Half the stuff I ordered & paid for he never used or refused until he had to. Everyday is a out on my backpack & climb the mountain.
I did it for five years, both parents, on my own. Used up their savings, my savings and my retirement. They passed last Spring and I’m couch surfing. My health is ruined and thus far, have found no work. I never married, never had kids, and my siblings are both deceased. Sometimes a nephew sends me a little money, but he can’t take me in. He lives in a small rented room in a frat house.
Dearest Marie you are a strong loyal loving devoted daughter. God bless you abundantly. You will find work and happiness. God promised to never leave you or forsake you. Go to a church community for support and friendship. Love and prayers ❤
My Mom paid over $60,000 for long term care insurance (great plan with inflation rider), but she didn't even get to use $.01 of it. $60.000+ paid for what?
Thank you for this video. I have felt lonely. I have looked after both parents. Still looking after my 83 year old dad now. Im from UK but interesting to see hiw it is in the States
It's terrible. We live in California where there are many benefits through the government. One of the problems is that you have a really hard time finding a good re responsible worker. The government will pay for it but you must find the worker. People can make the same or more in a fast food job and not have to clean urine, feces and the such. I have hired so many people and none has stayed ling term. So it always falls back on the children to care for their parents. It is so stressful.
25 years ago I took care of my mil w vascular dementia virtually unaided as her 3 sons et al declined to be involved. Hardest was I got no sleep as she called out all night. I always found she was pulling at and shredding her nappy, so needed a fresh one before I cleaned up the soiled filler that had spread all around her room. Also any outside support was hard to access as we lived in the family farmhouse in the deep countryside. The strain became too much for me so she was admitted to the city hospital and passed only a couple of months later. I'm relaying this because you may all find it helpful to know why she pulled at her nappy. I realised only recently that plastic-covered nappies (or pants as I use now due to an overactive bladder) make one feel so awfully hot and itchy. Maybe nurses know this but as a family member I had no idea. I hope this will help others to understand if caring for someone unable to verbally express their discomfort. Maybe save an extra task and extend their patience range. 😉
Yes, any kind of plastic next to skin will cause sweating and itching and can lead to skin fungal infections, This is why I would cut all the frills, gatherings and elastic from the diapers and leave it open for air circulation. I would get diapers bigger than her size to do so. I never put her in diaper pants when she lay in bed, just regular diapers. During the day she was in regular cotton underwear with a a large poise pad. She was not incontinent per say. If she was wheeled to the bathroom in time and helped her out of it, she could bear weight , and would pivot her in place to be able to sit on the toilet. This only works if one does not have dementia
@@plum_loco Yes in hindsight I could have tried other things had I realised. I could not get mil onto the commode singlehanded due to disparity in height & weight. I hope my message helps others in the same situation though.
@@ddempsey9642 You are so right about one's size and that of the caregiver's. I wish there was a detailed handbook to help caregivers, but there is such a variety of ways to give one the best assistance that a book would not be adequate. All that can be done is raise awareness like you said. We all do the best we can with the knowledge we have. You did the best you could. You need to be commended that you took on helping your MIL. One of my brother's wife is a Nurse Practitioner. On the rare occasion that they came for a couple of days to see my mother at my mother's behest, she did nothing to help. She spent most of her time out or at the church. It was just incredulous to experience that level of apathy. Your MIL was very lucky to have a daughter in law with a caring and compassionate heart. Please take care of yourself now. God bless.
@@plum_loco Thank you for your kind words. I simply never forgot how she greeted me with open arms when we first met. It was months after I'd married her youngest (of 3 sons) in a civil ceremony, when I was a divorcee with a child, from a different country & class, and even several years his senior. We were great friends for the 15-17 yrs before she got ill & died (many yrs before we divorced too, fortunately) so it was just the same love & care she'd given me. Naturally.
@@plum_loco You seem to be in a caring role for your mother and I can only wish you joy in your time with her, the patience of Job, as much energy as it takes, and especially love & peace for you all in due course. xx (While my own dear mother has passed it was made harder by each of her 5 daughters having different ideas, approaches and levels of experience). experience approaches of 5 very different
I am 80 years old and live on my own. I still drive and due to arthritis I have had a stair lift installed in my building. I have a laundry service and a cleaner. My groceries are delivered and I do send out for to go orders. My affairs are in order. My only regret is not taking out long term care insurance years ago. It gets more expensive as you age. I do have some great investments which I hope will last longer than me. My children, grandchildren and great grandchildren live in a neighboring state.
You have planned well, and your children must be grateful that you are still self sufficient. However, when you are no longer able to manage on your own, please let your children know by having a meeting with all of them.
My sister and I took care of my mother for 2 years I am 75 and it was hard we could afford a care giver 2 times a week so that helped but to watch her dwindle day by day
True story I have five grown children the one that would have cared for me just passed away so I'm on my own if something happens to me ...sad reality ..
Isn't that the truth I would never ever had left my parents to fend on their own. I guess fortunately they died in their late 80s. In a hospital setting physical complications. I never needed a nursing home they didn't live long enough for that. Even not having 10 kids even to couldn't figure out how to take care of a aging reason being they don't care.. sad but true
A disgusting fact and state of affairs. I used to wonder what people who neglect their parents think will happen to them in old age, and then I realized, they probably don't give it much consideration, they just live in and enjoy the present. Having seen how my sibling neglected our mother I have begun to prepare myself mentally for the possibility that my children might turn out to be little sh*ts. The shock of my sister's abandonment must really hurt our mother deeply though she never says anything about it.
My husband and I are elderly and disabled. I am 73, in poor health and unable to drive anymore. My husband is 80 and dying of kidney failure. Our quality of life is going downhill. We can do less and less as time goes by. It's sad. Neither one of us wants to live in a care home. What little is left of our independence is priceless. We're done. We don't want to live much longer.
Please talk to an elder care attorney sooner than later. They can provide you with options so that you do not feel overwhelmed. Assisted living is not a care home. You can have an apartment to yourselves with help coming in to care for you apartment, meals served, etc. There are options out there. You can also contact your local Department of Social services, they will send a nurse out to fingure our how best to get the help you need.
I told care of my parents for 15 years. they had Medicare and Mail handlers but when dad got Alzehimer and went into the Nursing home and needed G-tube feeding and could not eat thru his mouth neither health insurace cover one penny so I had to withdrawl 1000.00 every month from my dad's savings to pay for his nutrition beside the rent for the nursing home. If he paid for long-term insurance 800.00 more my dad would have had to pay and deduct 3 800.00 leaving my mom only 900.00 to live on. Luckly my dad had fairly good savings to pay for the co-pay for the nursing home cost. I have lived in Japan and studied socialized medicene in the U.K. no system is perfect but this country's health care cost is the Most Expensive in our world. Because health care is corporate business in this country. Even medicare is partialy government managed.
I'll just "accidentally" fall out of a canoe on the lake in the middle of winter, or "wander off" into the forest, rather than spend the last years of my life wasting away and burdening my children when they're trying to have their own families and provide for themselves when they get older. The Netherlands is on to something...right to die legislation needs to be a thing. Also, it's not necessarily such a great thing to live longer simply for longevity's sake. I'd rather die younger and retain my independence, than live into my 90s if it means I'm unable to care for myself anymore.
God gives us long n temporarily life with a purpose...that's to find Him n worship Him alone without associate...i find caring for my parents in their old ages is very rewarding as they did fended for myself when i was small,sacrificed everything for us, even now i can give them the world , still it's not worthy than a drop of milk my mother breastfed me n a sweat my father had to struggle to feed us all...
@@imansudrajat3297 I don't believe in God. I'm an atheist. I don't believe our lives have any objective, overriding "purpose". The only purpose our lives have is the one we assign to ourselves. If caring for your parents gives you a sense of fulfillment and joy, then that's wonderful. But assuming my children will care for me (or expecting/making them) does the opposite for me. It would make me feel horrible, and make me feel like I'm robbing them of their abilities to create meaning in their own lives.
Having gone through looking after ageing parents in law and now with my mother, I would say having a plan and preparing, even too soon, is imperative. I know you are not exaggerating the emotional, and financial toll on the family members. And I realize that my husband and I are mid baby boomers. There will be a lot first decade baby boomers ahead of us taking all those spots in nursing home other types of assisted living.
20:00 PLANNING is the most important part. However some parents do not want to have this conversation. Some, like my mom, are afraid of death. Or it's cultural issues also, and lack of #financialeducation . But as responsible children, especially knowing we will be the recipients of their stubbornness, if we can we make the decision. Looking back now, I did this against my mother's own will. I made the house handicap ready before she needed it, against her will. Mom 92 is still able to move about. But needs support and has mind slipping sometimes. but lying to manipulate. I've had so much resentment from the siblings who have to include her care now in their daily life and no longer be visiting family members. They were used me taking care of everything for her. It's okay to accept help. We each reap what we sow. God is good.
Try this one out. I have taken care of my deaf,blind,epilepsy son with 3 prior brain surgeries for 21 years, all while my elderly mom has given me total hell trying to get her into assisted living. She is 95. She will run out of money in another 14 months or so. I have NO idea what I am going to do next. I FREAK when I think about it. I can't take care of 2 special needs people. I will not live till old age, too much stress.I'm also an "only child" so no help for my mean mom from other siblings (brother died in 2003)
Lord, please put a hedge of protection around Michelle. Please make a way for her to help her and ease her burden. I pray 🙏 this in Jesus's Mighty Name, Amen.
Prioritize your son. If your mother runs out of money, apply for medicaid. That is, help her to apply. If she gives you trouble, some tough love is in order. Tell her she may end up who knows where, far away maybe in a state run facility unless she co operates. It's for her own good.
My uncle purchased long term care. We used it but it was like pulling teeth. Luckily my uncle saved enough we could do it at home with an aid to sleep over some nights. I never left home and I lost my ability to work because I have no one to recommend me.
It’s very difficult to find work when you’re older. If I might make a suggestion? Take any job just so that you’re working, even if not in your prior work. Plan on job hopping until you’re in a place you want to stay. Don’t give up.
@@Dbb27 thank you! This is good down to earth advice. It also sounds a lot better than trying to tackle my old job! The old job was very “people oriented.” I think I learned that I enjoy a smaller role.
Long term care insurance can help pay some of the cost of assisted living or a nursing home but my dad, (who passed away in 2011) still had to pay about a 3rd of the cost himself. It's probably worse now.
I’m there. Been there a few years now. Thank goodness, we’ve managed this with in home caregivers. It’s expensive and government programs pay 20 dollars per hour for caregivers. We don’t qualify for that program.
If I can give one piece of advice, please have your loved ones fill out MPOAs and Living Wills ahead of time. Educate yourself on the stages of dementia. Do NOT ok Gtubes when you or your loved one are in late-stage dementia. That is so cruel. If you keep your parents at home, have an Occupational Therapist come in and do a home assessment. They can help you adapt the environment for safety, equipment to shower/toilet, safety rails on the bed etc.
I worked in long term care several years ago and there were several residents on gtube feedings, and they were nonverbal, bedridden with dementia, so sad.
I hope I have the courage to place that muzzle in the right spot before I pull the trigger. After seeing what is happening to my wife, who is 66, and dealing with her mother, who is 94, I know I cannot be a burden to my kids or my wife - if she survives the stress.
Reach out to EXIT, on the web. die in your bed, on your terms, on your time. as things are now you will have to go to oregon , and stay there 3 weeks, find a couple of dr's , not hard to do, who sign the ok for assisted suicide.
I find lack of services for #seniorfinancialmanagement #elderlyfinancialmanagement We must provide seniors, elderly, with #bookkeeping for their #finances . If average adults are not good in their finances. Why are elderly services lacking support for this? Especially when there are family members disagreement. Unless going to court for declaring incompetent, elderly bills issues are a nightmare! They are NOT incompetent! Otherwise, most of the population would be incompetent!
Recommend reads 📚 to learn how to stay healthy & independent into old age. “The Alzheimer’s Solution “, “How Not to Die” & “The Blue Zones” Sad, Here I am the only one of my sandwich aged siblings healthy enough to care for my elderly parents.
@@luv2cook. And you think a salad fixes All the diseases life can throw at you. Not every old person was a drug addict or drunkard. My mother got cancer and I nursed her for a year and was looking after her since childhood. I'm on my own, retired and have no family or partner. And I'm scared about my own future. But perhaps a good book and a salad will fix me and my arthritis. Yes, I have worked all my life, by the way.
@@luv2cook. But that does not take into acoount that disease, falls and illness can happen even if you do eat salad and do yoga and crossword puzzles. I am sure that Bruce Willis took good care of himself and look at him...There are no guarantees.
I’m 73 and so far no health concerns But I have 5 dogs and realise I’m not immortal My vet will come and put my dogs to sleep if I’m taken I’ll and I will make my own arrangements There’s no way I’d expect my kids to care for me or go into a home
People who made more money in their prime years was able to save for some kind of care. Whileas low- income earners still use govt services = budget services.
All of the discussions on this complicated subject (that I have listened to), fail to address the non caring children of us baby boomers, that have no interest what so ever in being involved in our care, or even helping us make decisions of what kind of care we need. It's very, very difficult to try and figure this out on your own.
Some of are helping our adult children. I moved out of the USA at 79.I do not eat pork, and I dropped Pepsi, and steaks. I like chicken wings, fish, greens, grits, eggs, cheese, potatoes, nuts, Schweppes Ginger Ale, powder milk, cereala,popcorn, chips. , Mazola corn oil,butter, beans. spaghetti, tomato sauce , Louisiana hot sauce, corn bread, coffee ice cream. 96% ground beef. turkey bacon. Corn beef hash, tuna, sardines, soups. crackers, wheat toast. etc, I left the USA in 2021 at 79, for a safer and less expensive country. My expenses are 70% less than the USA
Wow! What a sobering site. I'm 86, in the best 9f health, my wife is 67. No kids, so it looks like she'll be taking care of me at some point, this is a horrible thought for me. I just can't imagine being a burden on anyone, especially my sweetie pie. We live in Germany, so there's no euthanasia of course, owing to the Hitler past, but one can either go to Holland or to Switzerland for assisted departure. I'll be also looking for a "do it yourself kit" on UA-cam. Hope they don't ban my account. Wish you all long years of health, happiness without burdening others.
People who keep themselves fit throughout their lives are much less likely to need care as they age. Unfortunately too many people spend their lives being sedentary, smoking and eating a poor diet, and that leads to early health deterioration. I hope that I go with a quick heart attack or stroke rather than a long lasting illness.
If you or someone you care about have been living and caring for the elderly, then it’s a good time to have all the paperwork ready, we can provide legal support and advice to people who are facing these challenges. Our UA-cam channel has over 100 videdos explaing different legal issues.
I'm 48 and I already have chronic medical conditions do deal with. My mum is almost 70 and in better shape than me. I already told her not to rely on me for help when she gets really old. There are a lot of seniors who either never had children or their children died before them. If these seniors develop dementia or some other debilitating condition, do they just end up homeless or in state care?
My dad became ward of the state -they took care of everything physical and monetary. We took care of his well being. The doctors were surprised -with all dad’d medical issues -he lived as many years as he did. Dad’s becoming a ward of the state was really the best for us. We were able to remain financially stable while he spent 75 days in the hospital and rehab and then received years of nursing care. He had an open wound, nearly blind and deaf, couldn’t control his bowels, and had paranoia and mild schizophrenia. He was very positive and had a strong will to live til the very end. Near the end of his life, I began to break down -all that stress. Four years have past. All this time I have watched my mother go from being a strong woman to frail and forgetful. I’m not well and she’s asking to rent a room from me. I remind myself that my health comes first.
@@marilynwillett804 My mum and I are honest and realistic with each other. We had a discussion about funeral plans and we each have a copy of each other's Wills. I lost my dad when I was six so, we are very open when it comes to talking about death. My cousin had a brain aneurysm when she was 20. She remained in a coma in a nursing home for 30 years before she passed. My aunt warned me what to expect when I went to visit for the first time as I had been living overseas. She said I would see a lot of people in wheelchairs that were severely disabled and comatose. What shocked me was how many young people that were there. In the prime of their life they were involved in a car accident and that's it. Nothing more can be done for them. I personally feel that people should be allowed to die with dignity and there will always be an ethical debate because it makes people uncomfortable. We only get so much time on this Earth. Some people leave it sooner than others........
I'm a celibate autistic author who works at home and assists my parents. Mum has an injury which requires her to use a cane and my Dad has arthritis from sports injuries. The tasks are light and your parents are your lifelong friends. I'm celibate as I grew up with adults and got jilted by most young women who were not even right for me.
My dad had euro Polish ladies take care of my mother (through an agency). My mother would start liking a caregiver and they'd have to return to Poland because their visa would run out. They could return after a waiting time....ridiculous, given the need. My dad seemed to be interviewing for replacements every 3-4 months. There seemed to be an adequate supply of caregivers as long as it was a live-in job.
Maybe I should thank my parents for being so toxic and all the abuse. I sure won’t be a caregiver to them. If I “cared” for them the way they cared for me I would b screaming at them, swearing, telling them they are “worthless piece of sh*t” (yes, that’s a quote) and pushing, slapping, punching, kicking, etc…them.
You are lumping generations together. People in their 80s are not baby boomers. They are a much more conservative generation who were shaped by the 40s and 50's, not the 60's and 70's.
What to do when their your Aunt & Uncle live 2 hours away no children and no relatives near them will help them and their in a different state than you…?
❤tell a librarian the state they live in. The librarian can look up a lot of info for you and print it off. Mail it to them. Many states have a senior service that goes to the homes to tell people how they can age in place. States want to keep people at home now due to the high cost of assisted living. Best of luck.😊
If you live in the US, nursing homes will bankrupt you. Thailand, Chiang Mai, for example, is an answer. Elders are treated with respect, and the coast will be a fraction of what it would be in the US. LIke anywhere ,t,he quality varies. Not everyone speaks English. If it's not a case of dementia, where lots of conversation is expected, this won't work, or likewise, if you want to be near enough to visit often, that wouldn't work either. I have seen relatives who want to retire, anyway, move to Thailand as it is so inexpensive to live there.
Why no mention of medi-cal. ACA absolutely opened up doors in this regard but not near enough. Still using spousal impoverishment rule 2 living elderly can find care for 1 ill one even if their finances go above limits.
This program makes me so mad!! These kids don’t realize how much trouble THEY were raising them, feeding, clothing, day care, school bills, college expenses and cars and insurance THEY COST THEIR PARENTS GROWING UP. Some had behavioral issues or got in trouble with the law. You don’t think your parents did the “silent scream?!” You bet they did. So now you don’t want/ need the expense or give up your life taking care of them? Shameful!!
It seems that you may have misinterpreted the message(?). Millions of loving adult "children" in the U.S. are willingly sacrificing resources and large amounts of their time and energy to care for aging parents and to give them quality of life...because they love them and they deeply CARE.
True. Children raised in a dysfunctional, abusive home won’t feel obligated to care for their abuser. That’s why some elderly living in senior facilities never have visitors.
😂 how much trouble “THEY” were? You chose to have them. I have 3 adult kids. They are great kids. Very expensive to raise. I paid for everything straight through college graduation. I made sure they launched into adulthood debt free. But my kids owe me nothing. It’s absurd for any parent to say such things.
Meh. Being a 35 year old parent to an unruly teen is easier than being a 65 year old adult child, in poor health, trying to care for an unruly 85 year old parent.
Fortunately I never had to deal with this, partly because my parents both died before they got really old, and I wouldn't have taken care of them anyway because I have my own life to live and Didn't want to be burdened by a couple of useless geriatrics. I have no kids and if I can't take care of myself I 'ok take the quick and easy way out rather than selfishly burdening others.
Only one way to manage an elders care without having to use their children's money. They need to be on Medicaid and then everything is covered. They will garnish the Social Security check minus $40. for personal needs.
When I was a carer we went to a client. She was just lying in bed 24/7. She was never consiouıs.. Basically she was gone but body was here. I thought this is so cruel. Who benefits from this the big pharma companies...
This narrative is typical of our self-absorbed modern attitudes. This story is as old as time. Families have been dealing with elderly parents forever….they just didn’t complain about it as much and they kept their old folks at home.
So how long have you personally been a caretaker for an impaired parent or disabled sibling? Has it effected your career (passed over for promotions, cannot job hop, etc.)? your ability to fund your own retirement plans? drain your personal emergency fund? caused a divorce due to stress? not able to get married or even date? abandoned by other siblings? not allowed to get sick because they always come first, you are dead last? The list of complications goes on & on. Medical advances will keep they alive much longer than you think but that does not mean they can take care of themselves, it's still all on the caregiver.
This problem is more acute than ever because more and more people are living very long. In reality it isn't their active years prolonged, but their 'dying' years.
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I was very fortunate. I took care of my MOM for 16 yrs, the last 3 were bad but I did it all for her and glad I did. I got a hospital bed for her the last 4 months and she passed in my home comfortable with no pain.
You are a Saint
So lovely to hear ❤
Thanks for sharing
How can someone do that though, if you would have needed to work on top of caring for her?? Most people have to work. Most aren’t living so comfortably that they can afford to do that.
Otherwise; yes, who wouldn’t do the same? Many would if they could.
I cared for my Mom; who did not want to live with me, in her last year of life while also caring for my disabled daughter at home. Very, very difficult.
Obamacare was an evil joke.
Your resolve is awesome. Where there's a will, there's a way. In the old days, it was always that way. I got no pay. But I took care of my PRECIOUS dying brother, then my mother.It was hard, but I loved them too much for them to send them to strangers.
My mother began falling - doctors never helped her to figure out why - and had a short stay in a nursing home. She wanted to remain in her home and so we brought her home from the nursing home.
Over the last 5 years, we cared for her as her health declined. She had to be hospitalized for heart failure and developed large bed sores.
We again brought her home and cared for her with the help of home care nurses.
In July of 2021 mom went into the phase of 'actively dying'. She developed blood in her urine bag, was hospitalized, then went to skilled nursing with the hope that she would return home. Unfortunately in September 2021 she went to hospice at the hospital and died one week later.
It was sad that she died, but we were at peace with it knowing that we did our best to care for her at home - as she wished.
But what of us ? If one has no spouse or kids, who will care for us at this stage of life ?
Longer life does not equate to good years at the end.
Become an advocate for assisted suicide NOW. if you don't, when you need it, you will be effectively voiceless.
I’m so sorry. Do you have any support system in place?
I have no kids either...it's a scary thought...
Let me say when there is a big helpful sometimes surgical cure? The dr. & nurses are there every moment! But when they are transferred to reg. Wing of hospital you seldom see anyone to help them. I stayed w/my mom 10 to 12 hours a day. I seen some very tragic sights many patients elderly or young but very Ill & bedridden. Seldom did the nurses or aides spend time w/them let alone family. I seen a nurse set a glass of water on the side if a elderly patient who could not use her left arm slidden way down in a bed nurse walked away. About 15 minutes later the woman pushed Her nurse bell it was on at least an hour the same nurse came in turned the bell off & told her she better drink her water & left the room😢😢😢I waited an hour & went over & gave it to the dear lady. But I could have gotten in trouble if she would have choked or anything
These big great operations they do ? They minimize the pain & side effects involved…not tell you everything sky high medicines & copays! Side effects. After care/ constpation/diarrhea/pain unbearable…All of it belongs to you after the heroic operation or your heart starts beating again!
Not all the time but 91%of the time I do believe .
Make sure you know Christ Jesus as your personal Savior or you have a family member who is full of compassion, full of patience. Stamina, love, & loyalty. + have $$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$+lots of grown loving children♥️💝♥️💝♥️💝♥️💝♥️💝♥️
Often too many think oh that won’t happen to me! I am too rich or famous lol you can forget that too. You came into this world with nothing & if you go out with a lot guess what that stays here 😮😳
Yep! 🙏📖🩸✝️🩸📖🙏
Oh get ready the evening shadows fall 🤷♀️💞?
I know this is long. But my mothers dr. 1 of the few sincere ones told me Hospitals are very Dangerous so many mistakes are made or staff minimizes & ignores. You cannot be too cautious or observant!
I hope someone takes warning that can make a difference for someone else!
@L Taurus my neighbor had no children
and lived to be 95. Her husband died about 3 years before her. She found a neighbor (me) to take care of her. She lived and died in her home and I Inherited her property. Happy ending for both of us.
so sad. We give money to other countries and we are all suffering so much here due to corporate greed and unnecessarily high costs for care.
No kidding !!!!!!!
Amen!
I agree that we need to take care of our aging population. It's so shameful. However, that money that we use to help other countries keeps us out of war. However, that doesn't lessen the need. It's insane.
Precisely!
@@lucyk2371 keeps us out of war???? what are you talking about? Are we afraid of any other country? We are the superpower or were until Biden weakened our military. Giving money and getting involved in other country's conflict INVOLVE us in their bullshiz. Biden is a demented moron and needs to step down before we all get nuked. Kamala should step down too for being a useless idiot.
I cared for both my parents it's the hardest thing I've ever done it's not just about money 🥺🥺🥺
It is not at all easy. It is a lifetime commitment and lots of changes to adjust to ! But you will be able to sleep well with a clear conscience.
Grandkids need to just help with grandparents and parents. Adult day cares needed to give families a break.
Also Adult caregivers must help each other out.
Find others who are adult caregivers and take turns watching each others parents.
God bless you Tina
I might as well been an only child since I received no help from a sibling. Mother had Alzheimers and father had dementia. They were in and out of the hospital all the time. Always had doctors' appts and was told by the main doctor that I needed to be there. Long and short of my situation is that I was always there and took notes and more notes. Also did the pill filling in the containers. I lost my job but always was there for my parents. Wanted to get them long term care ins. but their medical history had already been diagnosed. No one can imagine the toll it took on me so I guess it doesn't matter anymore. I just believe that when you have parents who were always there for their kids then it's time to help parents when they need it. Some kids of my generation don't agree with me and would rather just put them in a facility. I was single then and am single now. Hope I stay healthy !!
I’m sorry your sibling wouldn’t help you and your mom. I’ve seen this pattern over and over again. I moved into my mom’s house and, even though she had my sister and adult granddaughter right up the street, nobody could be bothered. Nobody wanted her in a nursing home or ALF, but they just expected me to do all the donkey work because I was an RN. They’re all now just trying to cash in on my mother’s death, but I have removed myself from them and I am glad that my mother had such good care.
JANICE HUNTER , GOD BLESS YOU.
I'm worried about this as well my mom is getting older I'm the oldest I feel ill be caring for my mom my step siblings will not help most certain but know for sure ready for it we cared for my grandpa until his death at our home until 1985 and I cared and lived my granny until her death in 1999 though she died in a nursing home which will not happen to my mother no way ..
I think most people DO want to care for their own elderly, but the world that has been built leaves people working in multiple income households, where there used to be someone at home. Capitalism has found a way to siphon family wealth on end of life care.
God bless you Janice I know that it’s absolutely the most difficult thing that takes everything you have and takes its toll on your health. I look after my mother who is 101 all by myself it has left me single because there’s no time for a life for yourself you know that. God bless you for doing what you do. My mother sent me to boarding school all my life from the age of five and actually didn’t want me. She used to say if it wasn’t for my dad I wouldn’t even be here. But strangely enough I really love her and try to make her life as beautiful as possible.
When my mother was in her sixties and still extremely healthy, she told me that when she got old, if I couldn't take care of her, to put her in a nursing home and the government would pay for it. She developed dementia at 83 and after several years, sure enough, I couldn't take care of her and had to put her in a nursing home and sure enough Medicaid paid for it. She decided she was back in her college dormitory (the best time of her life) and had a lovely time up until about a month before her peaceful death. I am so grateful.
Your mother sounds like she was a lovely as well as a realistic person, we should all be so lucky!!!
@@notremembering Thank you so much. Mother was also realistic enough to decide on her own to fill out a Five Wishes booklet telling me what she wanted in her final days. She didn't want to be "kept alive", so I put her in hospice (still in the nursing home) after a choking incident exactly six months before her death. Losing my precious mother was hard, but she made sure it was as easy on me as it possibly could be. She didn't have a selfish bone in her body. I hope when my time comes, I exit life with as much dignity. Thank you again.
This is one of the hardest decisions a family will be required to make. My grandmother who raised me lived to reach a little shy of 100. Her eldest daughter placed her in a nursing home after a hospital discharge for a fractuted wrist in Wichita, Ks. She convinced her two sisters, one in Chicago, Il and one in New York, NY to come to Wichita to determine her fate. They all conspired together like the witches in Macbeth to confine her to a nursing home. My grandmother completed the rehab and the rigorous therapy, yet the nursing home refused to release her. She called me a month later pleading that I get her out of a nursing home. I was approximately 47 at the time was overcome with fear as I knew my aunts and mother were going to raise hell. I assured my grandmother I would help. She was 95 at that time. I lived in Washington, DC at that time. I prayed and fasted for a 90-day period regarding another matter so my heart was closer to the Lord. I summoned the courage and went to rescue her out of a nursing home. Her eldest daughter in Wichita stole her home 20 years prior and was collecting rent from it, stole everything of value and made sure she could not return back to independent living in her apt. She then tried to make it a crime for me to visit my grandmother, but she was unsuccessful in doing so. My grandmother who was of sound vigorous mind helped me strategize her escape. After months of the nursing home stalling and encountering screaming threats from her daughter threatening that she would sue the hell out of the nursing home, my grandmother returned to independent living. Everything she owned and accumilated over her lifetime was outright stolen from her daughter. My grandmother was liberated with only a generic depend on her bottom and they kept her long enough to get the social security check for that month. I found her an apartment ADA certified and outfitted her apartment with furniture. Her youngest daughter purchased a shower transfer bench and she lived her remaining four years outside the confinement of a nursing home. This was at the onset of the Affordable Care Act, and when I sought out skilled nurses to come to her apt daily, as prior, a director of an agency screamed at me through the cell phone. I read to her the language on the medicare website to the director of the home health agency regarding seniors living at home in comfort with healthcare in place. She yelled that'd what they say, but that is not what they do. They (the government will not pay us). So it was an unfunded mandate as all the money was transferred over to ACA because that populace is young, robust and healthy. So it was the convergence of a perfect storm with all odds against my grandmother. Then her devious first born daughter and son switched out her insurance years ago to Humana from Blue Cross and Blue Shield. All hospital bills were not paid and the state of Kansas picked up the tab and charged her a spenddown that was owed monthly. The apt where my grandmother lived was a driveway length from her firstborn daughter. Her daughter refused to lift a finger to help her. Instead she roused up an army and had her children serving as soy agents to report all activities taking place in my grandmother's apt. Although, my grandmother's mind was robust, she was sharper than a tact, her body had weakened considerably, and in good conscience could not leave her like that. I stayed and was her primary caregiver exhaustingcmy savings by getting her to and from doctors appts and acting as an interpreter between the medical practicioners and my intelligent grandmother. Her daughter who lived a parking lot away did nothing for my grandmother and worked toward the accleration of her death to collect an life insurance policy. My grandmother lived in a food desert and I walked 3 hours to the grocery store to make sure she ate nutritious food. During rain, hail, sleet and snow storms, and tornado warnings, she would not check on her mother. It was a nughtmare, notwithstanding her granddaughter whom she raised alongside me, called the Adult Protective Services on my grandmother with me being the focal point 8 times!!!! In the the end 2 months before her departure, my grandmother told the two social workers who came out to interview her, "My daughter lives right across the street, she could come over and scramble me an egg, but she will not help me. I anit ready for no care home, but when I'm ready you will be the first ones I call." She died less than two months later. As for me the caregiver, it was the hardest journey I've traveled and I was not prepared for the Crocodile/Leviathan spirit of continual venom, vitriole and backbiting and the horrible lies that were told to disparage me publically. I did it all with continuous roadblocks and ditches dug fot our downfall. I was not perfect, as this was being on the cross of crucifixion. My words of advice is to place your complete reliance and trust in God on this journey with caring for the elderly, for it is not an easy one to endure. But if you endure and do your best with God's help, there is laid up for you the words spoken from God, ,well done my good and faithful servant, enter into REST!!!
Mom began falling. She had worked in a nursing home years before and had made me promise never to place her in one. I kept that promise, running back and forth between her home and mine, relying on medic alert and in-home PSW’s helping with showering her and meal making. Until she needed to go into Hospice for her final days. I was there and back between her home and mine, several times everyday and night. 1am, 3am phone calls from medic alert for me to go to her were almost nightly concerning falls. All while caring for 2 kids at home, one being disabled. It was so draining, heartbreaking and hard. I love that I kept my promise but because I was so busy helping, I didn’t get that special time with her to just really sit with her, be with her, talk with her. Do whatever you can to get that special time because once it’s gone, there’s no getting it back. :(
I went back to school after her death and now do what she did for many years. I’m a PSW working in a nursing home caring for many people like Mom for families who cannot and I give them the care and compassion that I’d want my own Mom to have been given had she have needed to come into one of these faculties.
Wow, you are the kind of person these nursing homes desperately need. What a blessing you must be to the elderly you care for.
Thank You for helping these people
I gave palliative care to both my parents for over five years, whilst working and keeping them at home. Wouldn't change my decision n for the world.
Cared for my parents since 2015 (started out with a few years of “pills and bills” only, plus the emergency phone calls. Mom had mild cognitive impairment but with my help she cared for my dad who had dementia at home until a week before he died in 2018. She deserved so much more fun than the 2 years she got before the mild CI turned in to full blown Alzheimer’s at start of 2020. I was single and child grown, so sold my house and moved into hers because it was only one story. By mid ‘21 she could no longer be left alone at all, so we private paid an aide while I was at school as a teacher. It was costing almost as much as both our take home pays and was so hard to work while being alert all night, watching baby monitor, listening for floor alarm, etc, so I took early retirement to stay home with her. She didn’t know who I was or that we she was in her home for the last 20 months of her life. She just died on December 16
:-( Now I am trying to enjoy whatever time I can before I get before I start dementia based on my family history, plus PLAN. I would never allow my own daughter to give up so much of her life (and my poor mom would not have wanted it for me either, but she was my best friend and I don’t regret one moment of it ❤)
It is worth it. Gbu abdtly !
@@harlotta128 ❤
@@harlotta128 God Bless. That’s a dying breed of us children and I know it isn’t easy ❤
God Bless. We never put our parents in a home. What bothered me the most was being in the hospital with my dad. The nurses and doctors were unbelievably unkind and wanted to hasten his death. He was of very sound mind 😢
I took care of my dad until 2021💔 he was 84 my mom is 86 now and needs help so I’m helping her. As a nurse I would never put them in a nursing home. Its a lot but I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t do my part. My parents gave us a pretty good life. My brother lives out of state and sends money regularly while myself and my sister live in the same state. She works days and I work nights and my daughter covers the weekends.
You’re good children bless your heart.
@Jennifer..❤
You are good children. We took care of my dad also until he passed.
@@ada9983 I’m so glad he had you! Good bless❤️
@@carolinapascua3672 Thank you but I’m just doing what they did for us. When the other older people started passing away on our street the men that were around AUTOMATICALLY cut the widows grass, they didn’t even have to ask. When the ladies passed the women in the street would send dinner to the widowers. We saw them do it😇
I'm 39 my mom just passed away in January iv been taking care of her since 2008,I don't regret not able to go hangout with friends,my mom lived 10 years longer than her doctor's said she would,there was no way she was going to assistant living to rot.
My experience with Assisted Living was great. My dad lived there 5 years. (He had parkinsons for 12 years) My mom had Dementia for the previous 4 years. 12 Years straight caregiving. Nursing homes, however...I have never really seen a good one. The best Nursing Home is the one that you can get to and visit most often. At some point, we can not fix things. God bless to all who are in this position.
I am 71 I look after my mother all by myself she is 101 I’ve done this for 15 years since my father died. It’s a 24 seven 365
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Took care of an uncle last five years of his life. 90% of the time was alright. 10% was very frustrating and had me really regretting doing it. Made me think a lot about long life. I only want to live for so long, then I pray to God to take me on to heaven when I get to a certain point.
I will never put the burden, physical or mental burden of caring for me on anyone. And it won't be my kids because I won't have them.
I love my grandma to death, but at 27, trying to heal my own generational trauma was not expecting to be a full time care giver, and at that I have no problem with it.
But she has gotten incredibly cold, selfish, no empathy, no thank you, no appreciation for what I do WHATSOEVER. Just expect expect expect. Like there's no one else helping you, 1 day you want to go to a care home, next you don't want to live in an apartment but don't own your home and live in mine and can't afford your own. 85 can't live on her own anymore either no matter how convinced she can.
And I'm not even paid for it nor will get an inheritance so I'm literally doing this out of the goodness of my heart. But nope. Apparently not good enough. 😅
My sister and I cared for our mother in my home. My mother had dementia. My father lived in another state. He would not allow us to put her into a home even though she was in and out of the hospital as she had undiagnosed Cancer. For three years we struggled changing diapers, feeding her, bathing her, etc. I fought with my sister who lived in my home about how she should be cared for. My sister had to sleep in the same bed with her because she had dementia and would wander outside at night. My parents failed to make any plans. My sister and I were in our sixties and had to leave the work force before retirement age. It took 2 of us to care for her. After she died my father needed care. Fortunately our younger sister took over his care. He was cantankerous and only would listen to our brother-in-law. Our younger sister was still working and had children at home. He died two years later after spending time at a nursing home. He had saved up enough for his own care because he had not allowed us to put mom into a care facility. It ruined my health I got cancer after he died. I am in remission now. I fear for my son who is now living with me and had cared for me when I had my Cancer surgery.
Kathleen Johnson you're sister's and you were true 😇 angel's. God bless the three of you and God will reward you for the love and care you showed you're parents.
Please check out Louise L Hay. Try your hardest to find the positive in anything you do. Tell yourself good things. Take good care of yourself. We come here to learn about love. If you are learning about it then you're doing the right thing. Just do your best and let the rest go. The only thing we take with us is love. That's the thing that matters most.
I know how hard it is to go through what you & sisters did. Bless you ❤.
I hope the rest of your life is peaceful, joyful and healthy, and that your cancer remains in remission.
You could've been licensed to care for her and then got paid for it as an in-home caretaker. My sister did that to my father she got certified just by taking CPR and a few other first aid courses, but if she wasn't able to do it, then we were ready to hire someone to come in and care for him.
It's been 5-6 months now.
I feel like life is over and no one talks about this. I feel hopeless, despair, guilt, stress. 😔
I did it 20 years alone and I was betrayed by the ones I loved.
@@tatie7604
I am so sorry. I cannot even process that. I can't do this for even 3 years. I hope you have been able to heal.
There are also good people in this world. ❤
You must stop now. It has only been 6 months. You cannot do this. Put them in a nursing home. They will fight you and doctors won't help you. You will lose your health and may die before they do. Be wise. I wasn't.
Thank you for you honesty. Only one is in a wheelchair. Eventually a nursing home may be the only choice. Either way some days I want to disappear forever
I am scared for my own health.
I feel you...
I'm making legally binding plans while I'm alert to get assisted dying if incapacitated and I'm getting rid of as much possessions as possible now. There's worse things than dying.
The toll it takes on the child caregiver can be massive when it's all said and Done , Done
I was a Registered Nurse and my birth mother & her sister who raised me, wanted to die in her home. So I cared for them because I knew I could provide the very best care. It was a 12 year journey, it was so very isolating for me! I had to put deadbolts Inside the home !!!
Bless you're heart Mary, l can only imagine how terribly hard it was for you. I am carrying for my ex husband who has parkinson's and Dementia. So hard to see them just fall to pieces. I've known him forty five years, he was a very hard worker and very intelligent. Two PhDs and a MBA. Was a very successful Attorney and Dr. Of Pharmacology. He won many body building contest. Even his last win was in the over fifty crowd. He was a real fighter and refused to be knocked down. Even now at 76 he would of be doing great if it hadn't been for the parkinson's and Dementia. He lost 50 pound's in the last three years. He cannot eat because he starts to choke. I don't mean to but I get so frustrated because I constantly have to repeat myself . He cannot remember what Was said two minutes before.
His older children in their fifties are useless. He has Two brothers and One sister whom hasn't seen him in ten years at least and have no idea how bad he is.. So my son and our grandson is ALL HE HAS TO CARE FOR HIM. WHEN I say he was intelligent , he was but blew all his money. No savings for his retirement. Basically gave it all away to people in need. So here we are a mess. He has the same disease that Robin Williams had when died. Anyone know what kind of help I may get to help him ,? Thank you for your time. God bless you all 😇🙏
Why deadbolts? 😮
My mother had a stroke, which turned into dementia, then Alzheimers. She was found outside the home twice stark naked except for an adult diaper. My signifigant other installed dead bolts inside at the very top of the 3 doors in the home. Another time I was taking a shower and someone knocked on the front door, there was my mom with the largest carving knife pointing straight at the person. The poor woman shrieked and practically flew to her car.
❤god bless you for that good care!
Almost Killed me taking care of my Father . He is 93
I am in recovery 1 year free of self medicating. Cancer Survivor myself .Unbelievable 🙏 I am an Only Child. It's like a Tsunami especially emotionally, and can be in every other ways . Lost my Mother too Young , raised my children .
Same here, mom's been gone over a decade already and I'm stuck looking after a horrible man. He's purposefully doing things to make it worse. He's very mean and crazy. I'm hoping he dies before the house falls apart. It's a race I guess to see who will be left standing.
❤so many understand. But we are so alone as caregivers. Watching a parent fade day by day is quite difficult. But knowing we did the best we could feels nice. Siblings who didn't help out missed the kisses I got a few days before our mom pased. ❤miss her.
I have been carrying mom’s memory care bill for 4 years now. She’s had falls and other hospitalization bills too. Her memory care is 3k a month that we pay out of pocket. It’s been a crushing blow. I work tons of extra hours to pay for this. They raise the cost every year. Once it hits $3,500 a month we will be forced to bring her home. I still remember mom saying that she would never become a burden to me before Alzheimer’s. I take care of mom out of duty and love as her son, but some days it’s hard to handle these monthly bills.
Shoot, I knew people paying 10k a month for the level of care he needed. These memory care classes are ripping people off.
Stay strong. Ask for help when you need it 💙
Prayers for you. Your Mom is very blessed.
Can she apply for Medicaid?
You are blessed to take care of her and your mom is doubly blessed to have you as her son. It is never easy but the Bible we are repaying them back for the years they looked after us ! . May God open ways to bless your finances.
I am age 72 caring for a 77 year old husband with multiple heath issues. I am holding on...barely. When this changes and I can no longer care for him myself we are in serious trouble. We are a second marriage, lost our assets and his children have no idea how bad he is or what it takes to take care of him. They live a 13-hour drive away and honestly, they are in total denial about his health or his needs. As a second mid-life marriage and the fact that we raised and educated four children between us we have no long-term health care. Heck, we have no life insurance! I KNOW that my IRA runs out in 8 years when I am age 80. My only hope is to sell my condo and (PRAY that I can find a low-income senior home of some kind and that I can afford that. I cannot live in my son's basement (one son has mold in his basement and a cat) and the other son has a roommate in his two-bedroom home in a state far away with a roommate and three cats. I am deathly allergic to cats so neither is a realistic option for me. I feel that my only options will be a tiny home or a senior home. I would love to age in place if possible but the costs of living in my condo will be out of my budget once my husband dies and my social security is gone. My condo has grab bars and wood flooring but there are 8 stairs to get in and out of it. We are going to be like the people in this video. It's scary!
In Alabama, if your spouse needs facility care but you do not, the state will still have to pay for a nursing home facility without taking your home, or the money you need to live on while still staying home. Contact an elder care lawyer. It will be worth the $300 to get valid info for where you live.
@@susanreaves4762 excellent advice
My mom kept getting dads SS until she passed away
Checkout Dr Eric Berg pls. It’s most important that we get on to the best possible diet and exercise lifestyle so we remain independent. Take it all in, you’ll stay on top if you embrace this new nutrition (without all those meds that you get dumped on you by your tender loving gp).
Please talk to an established eldercare attorney in your area. It will be worth your time and money, plus they will also assist in bringing all the children awareness about what is going on regardless of whether they decide to pitch in or not. It is very important to find out under whose name the condo is, for example. If your name is not on it or is jointly under both your names, you need to understand the ramification of what can happen if either of your die. Also to ensure to all children, their most likely will not be any inheritance at the end of it all, to prevent bitterness after you both are gone.
I'll put a bottle of sleeping pills in my Pudding before I become a burden to my kids.
I wish more people would wake up to this crises. My parents are both gone now but this is exactly what we went thru with them. The thing they don’t cover here is the “mental anguish” in dealing with an elderly parent’s attitude….who doesn’t want to be told what to do and doesn’t want to give up their car, or their bank accounts and believes they can still take care of themselves. They don’t realize they’ve lost their grip… my dad swore the assisted living facility we put them in was a couple of miles from his favorite restaurant…only it was a good 40 min. away….that was a fun argument!
Sometimes it's better to leave things alone when your mother was very abusive and is 88 with dementia and your narcissistic step sister, star child is the only one who is legally her primary care taker. Nursing homes are depressing and anxiety provking. Why on God's green earth are people so cruel allowing these nursing homes to operate the way they do? Don't you all know you're all going to be old one day too.
The youngest of six kids in our family took it upon himself to have our parents live with him. They passed away before becoming much of a burden…no need for assistive care.
If I can’t take of myself, I’ll call it quits. No one will take care of me. I have kids and grandkids, but I live alone and will die alone.
Unless, you're like taki mika in Japan, at 92..doing splits
I think those born between 1941-1965..may be ok, if they eat decently NOW
I feel much the same way. However, people don’t always get a choice. Sometimes elderly persons become suddenly disabled, by a stroke or a broken hip, for example. Then you end up having to have care.
Let the assisted suicide people help you. How would you call it quits, realistically? That is the only way. While you can, fight for this law in your state.
@@CrakenFluxVery, very bad karma for you to be advocating for suicide.
I believe that one day it will be normal if you are sick and in pain it is cruel to guilt you into suffering just because others don't understand. It is each person's choice to live or die.
Yeah... WOW .. I'm going through it NOW as well. It seems hopeless.
It is. But you love them. I ruined my life doing it for twenty years. Now I have no one and am in poverty. It's hell. Don't do it. Put them in a nursing home. You will still be exhausted with visitation and care.
WOW.....I am going through this now.
The other thing NOT mentioned is what to do when parents are oppositional......nasty......uncooperative........and go behind your back to undo everything you put in place to help them.
The other thing NOT mentioned is that there are only a handful of nursing homes that take PENDING Medicaid. The place I had to put my mom is pathetic......but it's the best I could do on short notice and a highly uncooperative parent.
Yes going through this with my mom who refuses help for everything except me making food, cleaning up and paying some of her bills, because she doesn't limit her spending. Hard not to be resentful. She has started to become sarcastic which is the last thing I need from her when I'm bending over backwards to help, which doesn't seem to be appreciated. The silent scream......
I understand what you are going through, I am not sure how it's possible to survive this mentally.
It's not that I don't want to care for an aging parent, before God it's the right thing to do. I only wish I was caring for a parent that was kind, gentle, good spirited and not stubborn.
Mine refuses to wear depends, and I am forever cleaning up loose bowel movements ... so nasty
@@86kellygirl omg I know that silent scream!! Noone understands me they all see dad as a lovely old man & im making such a big deal. Behind closed doors I have bent over backwards to make him as comfortable as possible. Half the stuff I ordered & paid for he never used or refused until he had to. Everyday is a out on my backpack & climb the mountain.
@@86kellygirl so sorry. Take care of yourself first, or it will destroy your health.
I bet you weren’t the perfect child to your mother either! How much did your parents PAY to raise YOU?
I did it for five years, both parents, on my own. Used up their savings, my savings and my retirement. They passed last Spring and I’m couch surfing. My health is ruined and thus far, have found no work. I never married, never had kids, and my siblings are both deceased. Sometimes a nephew sends me a little money, but he can’t take me in. He lives in a small rented room in a frat house.
Dearest Marie you are a strong loyal loving devoted daughter. God bless you abundantly. You will find work and happiness. God promised to never leave you or forsake you. Go to a church community for support and friendship. Love and prayers ❤
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❤your were a good daughter.
My Mom paid over $60,000 for long term care insurance (great plan with inflation rider), but she didn't even get to use $.01 of it. $60.000+ paid for what?
Thank you for this video. I have felt lonely. I have looked after both parents. Still looking after my 83 year old dad now. Im from UK but interesting to see hiw it is in the States
It's terrible. We live in California where there are many benefits through the government. One of the problems is that you have a really hard time finding a good re responsible worker. The government will pay for it but you must find the worker. People can make the same or more in a fast food job and not have to clean urine, feces and the such. I have hired so many people and none has stayed ling term. So it always falls back on the children to care for their parents. It is so stressful.
25 years ago I took care of my mil w vascular dementia virtually unaided as her 3 sons et al declined to be involved. Hardest was I got no sleep as she called out all night. I always found she was pulling at and shredding her nappy, so needed a fresh one before I cleaned up the soiled filler that had spread all around her room. Also any outside support was hard to access as we lived in the family farmhouse in the deep countryside. The strain became too much for me so she was admitted to the city hospital and passed only a couple of months later.
I'm relaying this because you may all find it helpful to know why she pulled at her nappy. I realised only recently that plastic-covered nappies (or pants as I use now due to an overactive bladder) make one feel so awfully hot and itchy. Maybe nurses know this but as a family member I had no idea. I hope this will help others to understand if caring for someone unable to verbally express their discomfort. Maybe save an extra task and extend their patience range. 😉
Yes, any kind of plastic next to skin will cause sweating and itching and can lead to skin fungal infections, This is why I would cut all the frills, gatherings and elastic from the diapers and leave it open for air circulation. I would get diapers bigger than her size to do so. I never put her in diaper pants when she lay in bed, just regular diapers.
During the day she was in regular cotton underwear with a a large poise pad. She was not incontinent per say. If she was wheeled to the bathroom in time and helped her out of it, she could bear weight , and would pivot her in place to be able to sit on the toilet.
This only works if one does not have dementia
@@plum_loco Yes in hindsight I could have tried other things had I realised. I could not get mil onto the commode singlehanded due to disparity in height & weight. I hope my message helps others in the same situation though.
@@ddempsey9642 You are so right about one's size and that of the caregiver's. I wish there was a detailed handbook to help caregivers, but there is such a variety of ways to give one the best assistance that a book would not be adequate. All that can be done is raise awareness like you said. We all do the best we can with the knowledge we have. You did the best you could.
You need to be commended that you took on helping your MIL. One of my brother's wife is a Nurse Practitioner. On the rare occasion that they came for a couple of days to see my mother at my mother's behest, she did nothing to help. She spent most of her time out or at the church. It was just incredulous to experience that level of apathy.
Your MIL was very lucky to have a daughter in law with a caring and compassionate heart. Please take care of yourself now. God bless.
@@plum_loco Thank you for your kind words. I simply never forgot how she greeted me with open arms when we first met. It was months after I'd married her youngest (of 3 sons) in a civil ceremony, when I was a divorcee with a child, from a different country & class, and even several years his senior. We were great friends for the 15-17 yrs before she got ill & died (many yrs before we divorced too, fortunately) so it was just the same love & care she'd given me. Naturally.
@@plum_loco You seem to be in a caring role for your mother and I can only wish you joy in your time with her, the patience of Job, as much energy as it takes, and especially love & peace for you all in due course. xx (While my own dear mother has passed it was made harder by each of her 5 daughters having different ideas, approaches and levels of experience). experience approaches of 5 very different
I am 80 years old and live on my own. I still drive and due to arthritis I have had a stair lift installed in my building. I have a laundry service and a cleaner. My groceries are delivered and I do send out for to go orders. My affairs are in order. My only regret is not taking out long term care insurance years ago. It gets more expensive as you age. I do have some great investments which I hope will last longer than me. My children, grandchildren and great grandchildren live in a neighboring state.
You have planned well, and your children must be grateful that you are still self sufficient. However, when you are no longer able to manage on your own, please let your children know by having a meeting with all of them.
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My sister and I took care of my mother for 2 years I am 75 and it was hard we could afford a care giver 2 times a week so that helped but to watch her dwindle day by day
One mother can care for Ten children. But Ten children cannot care for One mother. --Anonymous Quote ⏳
True story I have five grown children the one that would have cared for me just passed away so I'm on my own if something happens to me ...sad reality ..
Isn't that the truth I would never ever had left my parents to fend on their own. I guess fortunately they died in their late 80s. In a hospital setting physical complications. I never needed a nursing home they didn't live long enough for that. Even not having 10 kids even to couldn't figure out how to take care of a aging reason being they don't care.. sad but true
A disgusting fact and state of affairs. I used to wonder what people who neglect their parents think will happen to them in old age, and then I realized, they probably don't give it much consideration, they just live in and enjoy the present. Having seen how my sibling neglected our mother I have begun to prepare myself mentally for the possibility that my children might turn out to be little sh*ts. The shock of my sister's abandonment must really hurt our mother deeply though she never says anything about it.
I found out the hard way about VA benefits! Shocking isn’t the word for it!
My husband and I are elderly and disabled. I am 73, in poor health and unable to drive anymore. My husband is 80 and dying of kidney failure. Our quality of life is going downhill. We can do less and less as time goes by. It's sad. Neither one of us wants to live in a care home. What little is left of our independence is priceless. We're done. We don't want to live much longer.
Talk to Jesus, He lives and He waits.
Biden just gave another 500 million dollars to Ukraine but yet the elderly suffer!! We have all kinds of money for war and it makes us sick
contact EXIT. they will help you to end your life in your terms, on your time.
Please talk to an elder care attorney sooner than later. They can provide you with options so that you do not feel overwhelmed. Assisted living is not a care home. You can have an apartment to yourselves with help coming in to care for you apartment, meals served, etc. There are options out there. You can also contact your local Department of Social services, they will send a nurse out to fingure our how best to get the help you need.
I told care of my parents for 15 years. they had Medicare and Mail handlers but when dad got Alzehimer and went into the Nursing home and needed G-tube feeding and could not eat thru his mouth neither health insurace cover one penny so I had to withdrawl 1000.00 every month from my dad's savings to pay for his nutrition beside the rent for the nursing home. If he paid for long-term insurance 800.00 more my dad would have had to pay and deduct 3 800.00 leaving my mom only 900.00 to live on. Luckly my dad had fairly good savings to pay for the co-pay for the nursing home cost. I have lived in Japan and studied socialized medicene in the U.K. no system is perfect but this country's health care cost is the Most Expensive in our world. Because health care is corporate business in this country. Even medicare is partialy government managed.
I'll just "accidentally" fall out of a canoe on the lake in the middle of winter, or "wander off" into the forest, rather than spend the last years of my life wasting away and burdening my children when they're trying to have their own families and provide for themselves when they get older. The Netherlands is on to something...right to die legislation needs to be a thing.
Also, it's not necessarily such a great thing to live longer simply for longevity's sake. I'd rather die younger and retain my independence, than live into my 90s if it means I'm unable to care for myself anymore.
I agree. What's the point of living longer and losing independence and health.
God gives us long n temporarily life with a purpose...that's to find Him n worship Him alone without associate...i find caring for my parents in their old ages is very rewarding as they did fended for myself when i was small,sacrificed everything for us, even now i can give them the world , still it's not worthy than a drop of milk my mother breastfed me n a sweat my father had to struggle to feed us all...
@@imansudrajat3297 I don't believe in God. I'm an atheist. I don't believe our lives have any objective, overriding "purpose". The only purpose our lives have is the one we assign to ourselves. If caring for your parents gives you a sense of fulfillment and joy, then that's wonderful. But assuming my children will care for me (or expecting/making them) does the opposite for me. It would make me feel horrible, and make me feel like I'm robbing them of their abilities to create meaning in their own lives.
It s big big business disgusting! Both parents in a care house! More then 4000 euros a month!!!!! You live for ever nowadays!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just jump from the 30th floor!
Having gone through looking after ageing parents in law and now with my mother, I would say having a plan and preparing, even too soon, is imperative. I know you are not exaggerating the emotional, and financial toll on the family members. And I realize that my husband and I are mid baby boomers. There will be a lot first decade baby boomers ahead of us taking all those spots in nursing home other types of assisted living.
Ms. This was very interesting very much so. I’m looking on UA-cam and so glad I opened this station. It makes you think
Those who had large (as in many kids) families have a built in support/financial/physical support. Those with no kids are at great risk.
Some with kids are at risk as well unfortunate but true
NOT TRUE ! USUALLY only 1 or 2 Help
20:00 PLANNING is the most important part. However some parents do not want to have this conversation. Some, like my mom, are afraid of death.
Or it's cultural issues also, and lack of #financialeducation .
But as responsible children, especially knowing we will be the recipients of their stubbornness, if we can we make the decision.
Looking back now, I did this against my mother's own will.
I made the house handicap ready before she needed it, against her will.
Mom 92 is still able to move about. But needs support and has mind slipping sometimes. but lying to manipulate. I've had so much resentment from the siblings who have to include her care now in their daily life and no longer be visiting family members. They were used me taking care of everything for her.
It's okay to accept help. We each reap what we sow. God is good.
❤wow. How did you manage to get siblings to help? I had 3 non helping siblings. Mabye that was best😅
Try this one out. I have taken care of my deaf,blind,epilepsy son with 3 prior brain surgeries for 21 years, all while my elderly mom has given me total hell trying to get her into assisted living. She is 95. She will run out of money in another 14 months or so. I have NO idea what I am going to do next. I FREAK when I think about it. I can't take care of 2 special needs people. I will not live till old age, too much stress.I'm also an "only child" so no help for my mean mom from other siblings (brother died in 2003)
Lord, please put a hedge of protection around Michelle. Please make a way for her to help her and ease her burden. I pray 🙏 this in Jesus's Mighty Name, Amen.
Prioritize your son. If your mother runs out of money, apply for medicaid. That is, help her to apply. If she gives you trouble, some tough love is in order. Tell her she may end up who knows where, far away maybe in a state run facility unless she co operates. It's for her own good.
I only have one son, who is busy working,he is single . I don’t have any body else ,zilch..I am getting old and keeping my fingers crossed 🤞
And the big question is what to do when you age, get sick and have no children or money?
My uncle purchased long term care. We used it but it was like pulling teeth. Luckily my uncle saved enough we could do it at home with an aid to sleep over some nights. I never left home and I lost my ability to work because I have no one to recommend me.
It’s very difficult to find work when you’re older. If I might make a suggestion? Take any job just so that you’re working, even if not in your prior work. Plan on job hopping until you’re in a place you want to stay. Don’t give up.
@@Dbb27 thank you! This is good down to earth advice. It also sounds a lot better than trying to tackle my old job! The old job was very “people oriented.” I think I learned that I enjoy a smaller role.
Having LOTS OF Children means ZERO!
ALWAYS, 1 or 2 MIGHT be there for You !
Long term care insurance can help pay some of the cost of assisted living or a nursing home but my dad, (who passed away in 2011) still had to pay about a 3rd of the cost himself. It's probably worse now.
I’m there. Been there a few years now. Thank goodness, we’ve managed this with in home caregivers. It’s expensive and government programs pay 20 dollars per hour for caregivers. We don’t qualify for that program.
I am 76 and taking care of my disabled husband. He is 78. He uses a Walker inside scooter going out. I have rheumatoid arthritis
What are you talking about? They have left us to fend for ourselves!!!
If I can give one piece of advice, please have your loved ones fill out MPOAs and Living Wills ahead of time. Educate yourself on the stages of dementia. Do NOT ok Gtubes when you or your loved one are in late-stage dementia. That is so cruel. If you keep your parents at home, have an Occupational Therapist come in and do a home assessment. They can help you adapt the environment for safety, equipment to shower/toilet, safety rails on the bed etc.
I worked in long term care several years ago and there were several residents on gtube feedings, and they were nonverbal, bedridden with dementia, so sad.
Assisted living everywhere is a horror. If possible, make your home their home!😇
I hope I have the courage to place that muzzle in the right spot before I pull the trigger. After seeing what is happening to my wife, who is 66, and dealing with her mother, who is 94, I know I cannot be a burden to my kids or my wife - if she survives the stress.
Reach out to EXIT, on the web. die in your bed, on your terms, on your time. as things are now you will have to go to oregon , and stay there 3 weeks, find a couple of dr's , not hard to do, who sign the ok for assisted suicide.
I find lack of services for #seniorfinancialmanagement #elderlyfinancialmanagement
We must provide seniors, elderly, with #bookkeeping for their #finances .
If average adults are not good in their finances. Why are elderly services lacking support for this? Especially when there are family members disagreement. Unless going to court for declaring incompetent, elderly bills issues are a nightmare!
They are NOT incompetent! Otherwise, most of the population would be incompetent!
Recommend reads 📚 to learn how to stay healthy & independent into old age. “The Alzheimer’s Solution “, “How Not to Die” & “The Blue Zones” Sad, Here I am the only one of my sandwich aged siblings healthy enough to care for my elderly parents.
That was my thought. Eat a salad, move, read books and learn!
@@luv2cook. And you think a salad fixes All the diseases life can throw at you. Not every old person was a drug addict or drunkard. My mother got cancer and I nursed her for a year and was looking after her since childhood. I'm on my own, retired and have no family or partner. And I'm scared about my own future. But perhaps a good book and a salad will fix me and my arthritis. Yes, I have worked all my life, by the way.
@@luv2cook. But that does not take into acoount that disease, falls and illness can happen even if you do eat salad and do yoga and crossword puzzles. I am sure that Bruce Willis took good care of himself and look at him...There are no guarantees.
@@sliva7938 My sister needed care and died at 50.No one knows what is going to get you.People who tell you to eat a salad are just being ignorant.
Im taking care of my aunt and phyically and mentally tiring.
My father was too much of a lazy man and my mother and I have an toxic mother that's my reasons of not taking care of them
Good reason.
This is such a well done and important video👌🏾
Great reporting!
I’m 73 and so far no health concerns
But I have 5 dogs and realise I’m not immortal
My vet will come and put my dogs to sleep if I’m taken I’ll and I will make my own arrangements
There’s no way I’d expect my kids to care for me or go into a home
Caregivers in WV cost $20 per hour. ALF, SNF, and Memory Care cost so much.
Hell my one childless daughter abandoned me 3 years ago.. she ain't gonna have to worry about it..
People who made more money in their prime years was able to save for some kind of care. Whileas low- income earners still use govt services = budget services.
All of the discussions on this complicated subject (that I have listened to), fail to address the non caring children of us baby boomers, that have no interest what so ever in being involved in our care, or even helping us make decisions of what kind of care we need. It's very, very difficult to try and figure this out on your own.
And very lonely.
This is why some seniors are residing in Thailand residential care.
Our older population should not have to lose everything due to health problems.
What I'm hearing is I should buy stock in nursing homes....🤔👍 ON IT!!
Walmart did.
Some of are helping our adult children. I moved out of the USA at 79.I do not eat pork, and I dropped Pepsi, and steaks. I like chicken wings, fish, greens, grits, eggs, cheese, potatoes, nuts, Schweppes Ginger Ale, powder milk, cereala,popcorn, chips. , Mazola corn oil,butter, beans. spaghetti, tomato sauce , Louisiana hot sauce, corn bread, coffee ice cream. 96% ground beef. turkey bacon. Corn beef hash, tuna, sardines, soups. crackers, wheat
toast. etc,
I left the USA in 2021 at 79, for a safer and less expensive country. My expenses are 70% less than the USA
WTF?!
Where did you go? Yes, the food in the US is toxic.
You need to also drop the ginger ale, the icecream, the corn oil (replace with olive oil), and the chips if you want to stay healthy.
Where did you move to?
@@minoozolala How I wish I could drop chips. It's almost an addiction for me. I enjoy the crunch!!
It was nice of the Interviewer to talk over the Congressman. 😂
Wow! What a sobering site. I'm 86, in the best 9f health, my wife is 67. No kids, so it looks like she'll be taking care of me at some point, this is a horrible thought for me. I just can't imagine being a burden on anyone, especially my sweetie pie. We live in Germany, so there's no euthanasia of course, owing to the Hitler past, but one can either go to Holland or to Switzerland for assisted departure. I'll be also looking for a "do it yourself kit" on UA-cam. Hope they don't ban my account. Wish you all long years of health, happiness without burdening others.
You are very sweet. I wish our governments spent our taxes on better things like it's citizens.
People who keep themselves fit throughout their lives are much less likely to need care as they age. Unfortunately too many people spend their lives being sedentary, smoking and eating a poor diet, and that leads to early health deterioration. I hope that I go with a quick heart attack or stroke rather than a long lasting illness.
❤long life and good health to both of you!😊
Taking care of my mother was a total nightmare which almost resulted in bankruptcy. She couldn't have finally died any sooner.....
If you or someone you care about have been living and caring for the elderly, then it’s a good time to have all the paperwork ready, we can provide legal support and advice to people who are facing these challenges. Our UA-cam channel has over 100 videdos explaing different legal issues.
I'm 48 and I already have chronic medical conditions do deal with. My mum is almost 70 and in better shape than me. I already told her not to rely on me for help when she gets really old. There are a lot of seniors who either never had children or their children died before them. If these seniors develop dementia or some other debilitating condition, do they just end up homeless or in state care?
You end up a Ward of the State But I doubt if you will get quality care The chances are you will probably pass before your time
My dad became ward of the state -they took care of everything physical and monetary. We took care of his well being. The doctors were surprised -with all dad’d medical issues -he lived as many years as he did. Dad’s becoming a ward of the state was really the best for us. We were able to remain financially stable while he spent 75 days in the hospital and rehab and then received years of nursing care. He had an open wound, nearly blind and deaf, couldn’t control his bowels, and had paranoia and mild schizophrenia. He was very positive and had a strong will to live til the very end.
Near the end of his life, I began to break down -all that stress. Four years have past. All this time I have watched my mother go from being a strong woman to frail and forgetful. I’m not well and she’s asking to rent a room from me.
I remind myself that my health comes first.
Sad you told your mom that.
@@bharris9824 She can't help her situation.
@@marilynwillett804 My mum and I are honest and realistic with each other. We had a discussion about funeral plans and we each have a copy of each other's Wills. I lost my dad when I was six so, we are very open when it comes to talking about death. My cousin had a brain aneurysm when she was 20. She remained in a coma in a nursing home for 30 years before she passed. My aunt warned me what to expect when I went to visit for the first time as I had been living overseas. She said I would see a lot of people in wheelchairs that were severely disabled and comatose. What shocked me was how many young people that were there. In the prime of their life they were involved in a car accident and that's it. Nothing more can be done for them. I personally feel that people should be allowed to die with dignity and there will always be an ethical debate because it makes people uncomfortable. We only get so much time on this Earth. Some people leave it sooner than others........
The joys of fossilhood
A gift that keeps on giving
nope not doing it...period my parents live separate and they refuse to talk to us about anything
I'm a celibate autistic author who works at home and assists my parents. Mum has an injury which requires her to use a cane and my Dad has arthritis from sports injuries. The tasks are light and your parents are your lifelong friends.
I'm celibate as I grew up with adults and got jilted by most young women who were not even right for me.
Universal Healthcare Now!!!
Nope
@@dcg590 It happens. 👥
That little couple is so cute
"Congress is trying to work out the problem, but its daunting"
Not suprised. Congress is practically a nursing home. Go figure.
Find an aid from Jamaica or some other country to live in for $2000. If they have a visit visa you can do it under the table.
My dad had euro Polish ladies take care of my mother (through an agency). My mother would start liking a caregiver and they'd have to return to Poland because their visa would run out. They could return after a waiting time....ridiculous, given the need. My dad seemed to be interviewing for replacements every 3-4 months. There seemed to be an adequate supply of caregivers as long as it was a live-in job.
@@coppingtonfarnham7731 What state are you in?
@@plum_loco Illinois
Thank you. They do have a large Polish population up there.
🎉I heard about that. Families in Israel hire young women from the Philippines to care for elderly. It is highly regulated and they are well paid.
Many people PREFER Pets as “CHILDREN”, but ANIMALS CANNOT take CARE of them ‘
Many people HAVE KIDS who DO NOT take CARE of OLDER Parents!
You have to give up your own life to take care of an elderly its very simple .
Maybe I should thank my parents for being so toxic and all the abuse. I sure won’t be a caregiver to them. If I “cared” for them the way they cared for me I would b screaming at them, swearing, telling them they are “worthless piece of sh*t” (yes, that’s a quote) and pushing, slapping, punching, kicking, etc…them.
You are lumping generations together. People in their 80s are not baby boomers. They are a much more conservative generation who were shaped by the 40s and 50's, not the 60's and 70's.
What to do when their your Aunt & Uncle live 2 hours away no children and no relatives near them will help them and their in a different state than you…?
❤tell a librarian the state they live in. The librarian can look up a lot of info for you and print it off. Mail it to them. Many states have a senior service that goes to the homes to tell people how they can age in place. States want to keep people at home now due to the high cost of assisted living. Best of luck.😊
75 and no one im planning on leaving before im at the mercy
If you live in the US, nursing homes will bankrupt you. Thailand, Chiang Mai, for example, is an answer. Elders are treated with respect, and the coast will be a fraction of what it would be in the US. LIke anywhere ,t,he quality varies. Not everyone speaks English. If it's not a case of dementia, where lots of conversation is expected, this won't work, or likewise, if you want to be near enough to visit often, that wouldn't work either. I have seen relatives who want to retire, anyway, move to Thailand as it is so inexpensive to live there.
Yes. It is sad. We're all getting older. Faster. Later is here. And the costs are astronomical.
Why no mention of medi-cal. ACA absolutely opened up doors in this regard but not near enough. Still using spousal impoverishment rule 2 living elderly can find care for 1 ill one even if their finances go above limits.
Isn’t medi-cal just a California program? This video appears to have been shot in Florida.
This program makes me so mad!! These kids don’t realize how much trouble THEY were raising them, feeding, clothing, day care, school bills, college expenses and cars and insurance THEY COST THEIR PARENTS GROWING UP. Some had behavioral issues or got in trouble with the law. You don’t think your parents did the “silent scream?!” You bet they did. So now you don’t want/ need the expense or give up your life taking care of them?
Shameful!!
It seems that you may have misinterpreted the message(?). Millions of loving adult "children" in the U.S. are willingly sacrificing resources and large amounts of their time and energy to care for aging parents and to give them quality of life...because they love them and they deeply CARE.
First of all, children do not ask to be born. If you have a child, you are suppose to care for them. lol Also, not all parents are good parents.
True. Children raised in a dysfunctional, abusive home won’t feel obligated to care for their abuser. That’s why some elderly living in senior facilities never have visitors.
😂 how much trouble “THEY” were? You chose to have them. I have 3 adult kids. They are great kids. Very expensive to raise. I paid for everything straight through college graduation. I made sure they launched into adulthood debt free. But my kids owe me nothing. It’s absurd for any parent to say such things.
Meh. Being a 35 year old parent to an unruly teen is easier than being a 65 year old adult child, in poor health, trying to care for an unruly 85 year old parent.
Fortunately I never had to deal with this, partly because my parents both died before they got really old, and I wouldn't have taken care of them anyway because I have my own life to live and Didn't want to be burdened by a couple of useless geriatrics. I have no kids and if I can't take care of myself I 'ok take the quick and easy way out rather than selfishly burdening others.
Care for elderly people is expensive because it is a sacrificial act of love. You can put a price tag on it.
Only one way to manage an elders care without having to use their children's money. They need to be on Medicaid and then everything is covered. They will garnish the Social Security check minus $40. for personal needs.
When I was a carer we went to a client. She was just lying in bed 24/7. She was never consiouıs.. Basically she was gone but body was here. I thought this is so cruel. Who benefits from this the big pharma companies...
If I get alzheimers just tell me Elvis is coming over and I'll be happy.
Sadly the life expectancy is lower now in 2023. I’m more concerned with cancer. There are worse things than outliving your $.
Currently in same boat with elderly mom.
This narrative is typical of our self-absorbed modern attitudes. This story is as old as time. Families have been dealing with elderly parents forever….they just didn’t complain about it as much and they kept their old folks at home.
So how long have you personally been a caretaker for an impaired parent or disabled sibling? Has it effected your career (passed over for promotions, cannot job hop, etc.)? your ability to fund your own retirement plans? drain your personal emergency fund? caused a divorce due to stress? not able to get married or even date? abandoned by other siblings? not allowed to get sick because they always come first, you are dead last? The list of complications goes on & on. Medical advances will keep they alive much longer than you think but that does not mean they can take care of themselves, it's still all on the caregiver.
This problem is more acute than ever because more and more people are living very long. In reality it isn't their active years prolonged, but their 'dying' years.
And, the people they higher a below par. My mom's in one of those.