HOW TO DEAL WITH A DIFFICULT ELDERLY PARENT: Salvage Your Sanity and Avoid Caregiver Burnout
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- Опубліковано 1 бер 2021
- I was honored to be asked to speak at the Family Caregiver Conference in February 2021. It was held virtually this year due to COVID 19. It was a great opportunity to come together with family caregiver experts from all different realms! My topic was How to Deal With Difficult Behaviors.
Aging parent care can make you face a whole gamut of senior behavior. But what do you do when that senior behavior is difficult, or downright impossible? During the conference I speak about the 4 important areas that you can't ignore when it comes to dealing with difficult seniors, especially when they are your own parent!
Here is my clip from the conference. Enjoy!
Download your worksheet to create a custom plan for dealing with the specific difficult behaviors of your elderly parent at :
www. SofiaAmirpoor.com/FCC
See the entire conference at www.FamilyCaregiverConference.com
Join my private caregiver support group, Full-On Parent Care, on Facebook: / 1239752609859777
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It’s really too much on one person alone when your parent has major dementia! I know as I’ve been doing it for 7 years and it takes a huge toll on my life and my daughter’s life. I am not so fun to be with anymore. Caretaker burnout is real! Thank you for this presentation!
What about one who acts like an entitled, helpless, lazy slob, disengaged, gives nothing back emotionally or otherwise, who just wants to sit in front of the TV, eat, ignore you, only barks out monosyllabic ( example- "spoon! Tea! More!") orders, make messes and treats you like some low level servant?! But when you see the doc , he's suddenly articulate and sane?
My 85 year old mother is similar. Sits in her dressing gown in front of the TV all day and as soon as I walk through her door it’s moan moan bloody moan, want want bloody want. Drives me insane 🤯
I feel ya! So I noticed something the other day about behavior, actions & reactions. It was with my cat. Ok cat, but, hear me out….We rescued this kitty, a 9 months old from Petco 2 years ago. I thought i was going to train her, but instead, she trained me! She knew all the behaviors & places I would say the word “No!”to . When she obeyed or did something positive, she’d get a treat, (“Good Listening!”) positive reinforcement. But then, she started demanding treats ALL the time. Every morning upon wakening, she would lead me over to the treats. Of course I gave it to her cuz she was soooo Cute!! But then, like an addict, she needed them right away, everyday, before I did anything else. If I didn’t,she would do spite work. She literally would ,in a row, do ALL the naughty things that I said “No!”to. She had me wrapped around her little paw & I couldn’t figure out how to undo this spoiled behavior. Example, we didn’t want her to go downstairs into the basement. “No! No! Noooooo!!!” So of course, she was obsessed & anytime we opened the door, she would squeeze through & dash down the stairs. Then it was impossible to get her back up. We had to shake the treats & even then, she would hang on the middle of staircase, put treats on 1 stair at a time, ascending till she was out. This went on & on. UNTIL yesterday! I went down to do laundry. I left door wide open. I didn’t realize she had gone down. I finished, came back up shut light off & closed door. Hours later, i heard a scratching noise & meowing in a different way, more like crying. I followed noise down to the basement door, realized what happened & opened door. She came running out, traumatized, still meow-crying. I felt so bad. BUT, I saw a change in behavior since then. I have been leaving the door wide open & she won’t go near it for fear I’ll lock her down there again. Now i didn’t do it on purpose, but she interpreted it as a “punishment”. Interesting, right? So I think if you do the same ( I’m not saying to abuse or ignore 100%), I’m just saying, maybe don’t jump everytime. Make them wait a little, then a little more, then a little more. They can get mad, yell, etc. they can look at it as a punishment or any type of way they want, but Soon, they will realize they’d better change their ways, be nicer & more appreciative of you because YOU hold the power. Not them. (PS this will not work with Dementia/Alzheimer patients. They must be cognitive & sane like yours seems to be.)
I can sense your resentment. He can, too. Try to get an activity for him . Men need a sense of purpose. He probably
feels useless.
@@soozshoozget an automatic feeder, don't feed them yourself, then they won't beg you for food
My 78 year Father pulls the same 🎬 ACTS.
Comfort, care, empathy. Not having to be right. Well said, thank you.
I give you credit. You are trying to take Sofia's words to heart. It's not easy being so altruistic. My father has just melted a plastic container of pasta in the toaster oven as I type this. I'm trying to keep cool. But most of the other commenters have lost patience with their parents. I don't blame them. But I commend you for trying to take the most effective approach.
I am caregiver for my 90 year old recently
widowed mother. My father past last year and I am only child living close by. I was caregiver for a year before he passed. They were married 70 years and my mom is going through terrible grief. She is still healthy and mentally ok to live in her own home but my dad did everything. Now I do everything. My dad used to have a saying your mom is a piece of work which I thought was a cute little term of endearment. I know now it was not. I am having a real hard time because all she talks about is being alone, losing my dad, wishing God would take her, she took care of her mom. This is ever time I am with her for over a year and a half. I also have been helping my spouse with his dementia mom living with us over past year. We just recently got her into assisted living. We didn't have family help with her and just knew we needed our life back. I can't do that again. How do I help my mom without mentally and emotionally hurting my own wellbeing. I feel guilty 24 hours a day.
You are not alone Rhonda. I'm in the same boat as you are with my Mom. I feel like my soul & spirit are really suffering. Her psychogical profile is much like your Mom's. I told my husband recently that I don't think I can keep helping my Mom because she is so difficult, so narcissistic, having significant memory issues, & now in early stages of dementia. Her behavior is negatively impacting my health & wellbeing. I'm a retired health pro, but it's still so hard. I'm here to learn what, if anything so can do to stay sane & not get sick from the intense anger & frustration.
@Michelle Duncan I am still caregiving for my mom and her behavior hasn't changed. Still dealing with guilt issues but I have made time for myself and have decided I can't do everything, what I can do is enough. Mom wants me to take place of my dad and be her everything. I do have very open conversations with her to tell her how I feel. Her memory is getting worse. But at least it helps me to voice my feelings and let her know how I feel.
Some experts say “family member” rather than “loved one” because you may not necessarily love the person you care for.
They destroy what ever emotional love you had for them. I don't feel and loving feelings towards my mother. She is a mean spirited, backbiting, habitual liar, who is in an almost constant pitty party. She is one of the most bitter bitties I have ever met.
But love isn't some fluffy feeling. Love is an action word. I may not like being around her, but at least I am still here for her.🤷🏼♀️
I get it. While I can't really say I don't love my dad, we really did not have a the best relationship at all before he got sick. Now he is in my care before we got a chance to resolve our issues. It is too late because he has lost his faculties. Humbling experience. I feel like I will grow from this, but I have days where I wish I didn't have to do this.
Agree. When your parent starts to treat you like someone they despise, and begins to do and say things that are deliberately hurtful, it becomes extremely difficult to keep on saying how much you love them. I think its more relevant to say ‘the person they used to be, whom you loved’, but the person/body they are now, is not that person.
My 93 year old mother has stage 4-5 Alzheimers and lives on her own. She has carers but refuses to allow to carry out basic household tasks. Mother is deaf but refuses to wear hearing aids in the house. She needs glasses for reading and television, but refuses to wear them. Mother is in total denial of the fact that she has issues and needs to go into a Care Home. Her behaviour and reaction when told of this decision is explosive but anticipated. Mother is verbal, loud , belligerent, abusive and downright obnoxious. After her rant , the whole process begins again when
myself or my siblings mention the word" Care Home". Mother has " lovely chats" with her carers who obviously do not see this vile behaviour.
@@penultimateh766 Mother has lived on her own since my dad died 31 years ago and managed well because she had an active role in caring for her grandchildren. Since 2014 when she was diagnosed with MCI, her mental and physical condition has declined steadily. Mother is fiercely independent and would not wish to live anywhere else for logistic and personal reasons. I am fully aware that we, her immediate family, have responsibilities for her. My siblings and I, are therefore pursuing the Care Home choice which will provide mother with an opportunity to continue her life in safe and regulated surroundings. We know how she will react but we hope that my mother will respect and accept our decision. At present, she is is no fit state to be cared for by anyone else other than professional care givers.
@@penultimateh766 My mother would not be thrilled to be anywhere but in her present home. She is not thrilled at the prospect of moving into a Care Home. We , her family are not thrilled at the idea of attempting to integrate mother into our our homes under her present circumstances. No. Mother does not require IV feeds, drips or supervised medication. Mother is needy and we simply cannot support her without losing our own sanity.
@@penultimateh766 Mother is already involved with Social Services who will assess her as regards compatibility for a Care Home of their choice. We do not need to involve the Government and we do not feel guilty or neglectful. I am confident that mother's Care Home will not be as dire as you seem to think after having spent months of research into them.
Thank you for your interest and concern.
It is so hard for my sister and I to give empathy when we never had a empathetic mother to us growing up. Now she is expecting us to baby her and console her when she never ever was that kind of mother to us!
I'm not interested in how to endure constant abuse. 🙄
I have 25 years of experience dealing with a certified, malignant, socipathic, sadistic, waste of flesh Narcissistic. 🤨
I know how to deal with a narcissistic. So do my children. There are rules.
1. No one is ever alone with the narcissistic. EVER! (They don't want witnesses to the abuse)🤨
2. Do NOT engage. When they rage...Walk away.
3. Show no emotion. They use emotions to manipulate you. If you speak to it, use a quite, calm, monotone voice, and make the response as short as possible. A robotic yes or no.
4. They lie!!!!!!😡
Know how to tell when a narcissistic is lying?
Their lips are moving. 🤨
They lie to you. They lie about you. They will even lie to you about you.😳
5. Watch out for flying monkeys. If they don't feel they have abused you enough directly, they recruit flying monkeys to do the dirty work for them. 😡
6. WATCH YOUR BACK!
YOU ARE NOT SAFE! NOT EVEN IN YOUR OWN HOME!😡
I know firsthand how to handle all forms of narcissistic abuse. 🙄
But I have no desire to endure anymore. 😡 This demented piece of work has already used every dirty trick in the book to come after me. The flying monkeys are the LAST STRAW!🤬
YOU NEVER ADRESSED THE NO NOTHING, KNOW-IT-ALLS WHO ATTACK YOU BEACAUSE THE DENIMTED WACK JOB IS A CHRONIC LIAR!!!😡
WHY NOT?🤷🏼♀️
I said chronic because it is. 💯
The cause of the behavior doesn't matter. It's still abuse! If it is dementia or narcissism, it will only get WORSE! 💯
When I got rid of the ex, I vowed to never again tolerate abuse from anyone. 💯
And I mean anyone, including the mean spirited shell that was once my mother.😡
I want her out of my house!
And if she presists in the slander, I will remove her from my life completely.
We have a zero tolerance policy on abuse in my home, and she abuses that policy daily!😡
This is a pattern in people's lives they don't see how they keep ending up with narcissistic
Thank God my sister told me about you! Both parents are difficult and your videos are so helpful. Thank you!!
I'm a busy mom with teenagers. My mom is 79 still does things on her own. Since she no longer has a car, I am the designated daughter to take her to run errands. Her attitude about everything is always bitter. For example, if I take her to Walmart and I tell her we have to make it quick because I have to pick up my kids at school. She shuts off & makes a big deal throwing words about not having time to get everything she needs, she starts saying she wanted to buy something but that she did not get a chance, then she tells everybody about her experience that I take her to the store but that she feels she is a burden and feels she was not given time to shop. She gets really negative about everything. She goes to stores almost everyday, sometimes my sister invites her. But it's still not enough, she complains that she still has not got a chance to buy something. I also invite her once a week out to eat. She still talks about my brother, that everytime he leaves that he goes out to eat. I don't really understand her constant jabs she throws at everyone.
this gave me a good perspective as someone who lives with grandparents and their different personalities
Very nice thank you for sharing
I am a caregiver I been doing this for more then 10 years and I still have a hard time dealing with the spouses that treat you like your their servant I love what I do but sometimes it can be overwhelming..
I am so glad that I found your channel. I've become a caretaker to my 89 year old mom and 88 year old dad (2 mild strokes). Most of the behavior issues that I have encountered are mild, but still puzzling to me. I will be watching more of your videos in hopes that it will shed insight. Thank you.
Wonderful!
What when there is no information ? My sister experienced massive brain injury.... enlargement of ventricles at 53. It was perhaps due to a prolonged fierce mania and anti-psychotics in hospital. she has never been the same again, lost her emotional intelligence, empathy and understanding other people's intentions, making her aggressively paranoid, often having vitriolic outbursts based on misunderstanding what people want. The outbursts are so hurtful, I want to go no contact, even though I know she is ill and broken, because the outbursts cause me 2 weeks of depression and roaring cortisol burning up my body. Now, when I try to get information there is nothing on her actual constellation of problems. I have to go 'general' or 'global' as I cannot ever know the cause.... what to do in reaction to people who exhibit vindictive outbursts attacking others verbally, which are probably uncontrollable as they have cost her jobs and friends. a total personality change from a diplomatic and very very intelligent person with great depth and sensitivity.
Wonderful, as always. I really needed this tonight.
Glad it was helpful!
I'm 90% sure my mom has borderline personality disorder. Now that she is elderly and is deep into self neglect, I'm really struggling with her refusal of caregiving. I don't want to go to a judge to seek a conservatorship, but she refuses to sign a POA so that I can see to her finances and maintain her home. Unfortunately, I'm afraid I'll have to get a court order so that I can actually help her. What a mess! I have a brother but he has estranged from the family, which also makes this even more complicated for me from a legal standpoint.
Not long beforefore my Dad passed,bless his soul he became recluse, stubborn , grumpy & when I last spoke with him was like he was already gone, there's a certain look in their eyes (vacant)
I appreciate what she does but she’s not stuck in a house with a toxic person 24/7, who calls her kids names, badmouths her partner, and tells her she wouldn’t do this for her had roles been reversed.
This may sound kind of cruel I also have difficult parents and they're reaching that age if it gets to the point I'm just going to stick them into a nursing home because I know longer have the patience for them
Is there an Instagram and also an online group to join on this subject?
I am so frustrated with my elderly aunt who demands I not go out after dark or travel. Knowing I am out with friends for example, she will call the police and tell them I am incapacitated on the floor demanding they break down my door to rescue me. I can’t tell you how many times I have had my door broken down. When I ask her why she will say, “That’s what you get for disobeying me!”
NancyAdams: She is a narcopath
My father has started to be very disrespectful. He has two previous unsuccessful relationships (my mother and after that, another woman, both 20 year relationships) and with both women he was good at first but after a few years started to be deceitful, and dishonest with them, ignore them, etc. because he had gotten tired of them and just wanted them to ‘go away’. Even though I am his daughter I feel like he is now treating me the same way. He has started to insult me, and when I call him on it he claims innocence, ‘oh I was just asking you a question’ kind of thing. It is hard to take because his dementia/cognitive decline isn’t significant….it began some years ago with poor decisionmaking, lack of ability to learn important things, and some selfishness….now he says socially inappropriate things, hurtful things in front of strangers, he ‘over shares’ personal information rather like young kids do before their filters really develop. Interestingly, I have training in personal care and dementia care and can deal with demanding or inappropriate clients or patients without problem….but when its your own parent, things are very different.
@kittiesinclair5 Yes, it's definately different! It stings more. Hugs to you!
Someone please tell me how to deal with a mom that is single, is in her 70’s, refuses to give anyone power of attorney in case something happens to her, won’t fill out a medical directive or get a will, claims she can buy a townhouse with stairs and function well in it,
Let her. You can’t do anything. You don’t have to help her move there or buy it, but what can you do? Easier not to resist, and certainly don’t assist. Sorry you’re going through this.
Agree. Let her. You don’t have a choice. There’s something called natural consequences. Finally discovered a disease that was bigger than Dad. His denial beat the ego out of him, but I was always nervous that his denial would kill him. Ie. driving, falls.
The other commenters are offering a suggestion, but it isn't ideal. Some states will make adult children responsible for their parent's misdeeds in their dotage, so staying proactive is important to protect your own assets. I'm in the exact same situation, and as best as I can tell, gaining a conservatorship over your elderly relative is pretty much the only way. If her situation is relatively simple (she isn't a multi-millionaire with multiple heirs, for instance), the process should be pretty straight forward. Legal zoom has some pretty good templates to base your filing for conservatorship. You may be able to gain some help from a senior center in your town if hiring a lawyer isn't possible. However, it would be recommended that you hire a lawyer to make sure the paperwork is filed correctly.
Let her.
Some people are on a mission for self destruction. They will not see sense and if you continue to ask her to make good decisions, that will shove her even faster toward the poor decisions. When she falls down the townhouse stairs she will have gotten what she wanted.
What's ur response when your mom keeps yelling at your face the ur stealing her meds? And I'm not, o just have tu be over her meds cause she's taking it wrong. She takes 2 days with in 1 day. She does not remember even directly after she took it.
This is all new to me she just moved in but I seen she was accidentally over taking to much on her last Dr appointment. She's still pretty functional so she don't look sick, but she can't think or rembember properly, And it's very combative catse she can't drive, o can't let her ex husband who abused her talk to her anymore, so she thinks she's in prison she says. It's so sad.
It’s easy to talk about torture to deal with it they might be ready to let go of there life yet but you will be ready to give up yours 😂
Run the other way do not help your relative, you will get screwed by everything and everyone. Trying to get HELP in this fake country for the h3ll dealing with my mom's dementia while the police will enter our home and do "health checks" for relatives in other time zones that do not want to get involved, as my mom's doctor has no interest other than the minimum possible. Given we are in the USA so: **How do you improve that which is not meant to be ever improved?**
Oh cry me a river, my 89 year old mom acts lika a child, has refused to do anything for 7 years and now she leaks pee everywhere but doesn't want to wear a diaper. They just sedate them in the nursing homes.
Appreciate this advice…struggle is definitely real🫶🏼