7 Stages of Detoxing From A Narcissist
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- Опубліковано 9 чер 2024
- If your romantic relationship with a narcissistic partner has ended, you may be struggling in a way you've never experienced before. You may find yourself in what feels like psychological hell. In this video, I explain the 7 stages you will likely go through after a break-up with someone with NPD or untreated BPD. Note: This is a new version of a previously posted video as a result of several requests to generalize and update it.
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About Lise Leblanc
Lise Leblanc is a Therapist, Life Coach Practitioner, and Author with over 20 years of experience in therapeutic, educational, and leadership roles.
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DISCLAIMER: THE INFORMATION IN THIS VIDEO IS NOT INTENDED NOR IMPLIED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL ADVICE, DIAGNOSIS OR TREATMENT. Lise Leblanc does not provide personalized psychological, health, or legal advice. Any information or responses provided on UA-cam are general and hypothetical, not individualized. This content is for informational purposes only and viewers should verify primary sources and/or seek professional services. Narratives about clients are heavily modified to protect their identities, using blurred details to teach and reassure without revealing private information about individuals.
If you have thoughts about harming yourself, get help right away by taking one of these actions:
Call 911 or your local emergency number immediately.
Call a suicide hotline number. In the U.S., call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255) In Canada: 1.833.456.4566
Call your mental health provider, doctor or other health care provider.
Reach out to a loved one, trusted friend.
DISCLAIMER: THIS IS FOR INFORMATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR MENTAL HEALTH CARE.
Introduction (0:00)
Detoxing (0:53)
Stage 1: Disbelief (1:30)
Stage 2: Replaying (3:54)
Stage 3: Self-Doubt (5:36)
Stage 4: Anger (7:19)
Stage 5: Research (8:14)
Stage 6: Acceptance (10:30)
Stage 7: Healing (12:47)
Outro (14:32)
#NPD #covertnarcissist #narcissism #narcissist #narcissistic
If you are suffering a narc relationship. Don’t feel for them, they will not feel for you! Now RUN 🏃♂️
Run, but do it quiety. Don't expose them on your way out. Keep your explanation vague, or leave a note on the table that won't enrage them.
@@behindenemylinesphilly Toxic relationship. She will burn you out and discard you when you are no longer good supply. Do yourself a favour and get away from her before she destroys you and your reputation. They generally go after your supports and family so you have nobody. Get out, get ouy, get out. Heal yourself. Learn to love yourself and be by yourself. Your self worth needs to be higher than a toxic co-dependency and sex. It's all superficial with her and you know it.
@@behindenemylinesphilly❤
@@Shaker4x4 Why not just tell them their a demon possessed narc and you hope they get the help they need like Jesus to save their dark soul. Sadly many will end up in hell for eternity.
So there is no answer or healing. It's useless. Hopeless. Only some heal after years and years and we are permanently damaged. This is very disappointing. It means there is no reason to go on living.
This is exactly what happened to me. I couldn't take it anymore. After the breakup, I overcame it by keeping my mind occupied and striving to become the best version of myself. I'm currently working three jobs, studying another engineering degree, and pursuing a master's degree simultaneously, in addition to spending a lot of time at the gym. It was challenging, but it worked. Thanks, Lise.
That really is inspiring
Keeping yourself busy is not healing. It is putting a bandage over the wounds. Seek counselling. You may find you avoid relationships to safeguard against hurt. It's great you educate yourself on narcissists, but they do come in a covert form and do wear many different masks. No one personality is the same. It depends on what shaped them.
@@Shaker4x4 I already did that, and it was the final step to forget. With this, I finally overcame it after a year. Thanks 8)
@@Shaker4x4that’s what I was thinking- I guess distractions work temporarily… but not long term- complex ptsd can be caused by being exposed to cluster B’s.😞
@@SBecktacular Once we learn about toxic behaviour and find ourselves again, carrying C-PTSD should be behind us. We are healed when we are aware of them and ourselves and are able to deflect such personalities in the future. While it's a steep learning curve, such education helps protect our own boundaries. PTSD is perpetuating a victim mentality. Moving on from that and being the creator of our own destiny rather than being a victim is really important. Some dwell in PTSD from narc abuse as a reason to remain in that space which is unhealthy. What hurts narcs the most is our resiliency, success and happiness. We should try to achieve that for ourselves though, not to get at them.
2 years still detoxing
This has to be the hardest thing I've ever gone thru. I've lost in love before but I feel in love with my narcissistic wife of 10 yrs and I had a crush on her in high school. So I was so thrilled that all these years later to find out she too was attracted to me..but that I'm learning along with everything else was and is a lie. The feeling of lost is bad enough but to realize that someone can treat a human being like a piece of crumble paper and throw it out the window has broken my heart into pieces and I'm a man...I'm not supposed to carry my feelings on my sleeve right! But you feel as though you lost the love of your life...even worse...you never had the love you gave😪
So true. Same hell
I see a Narc video by Lise...I click :) Really saved me 2 years ago, things arent too bad now
I’m so happy to hear that things have gotten better for you!
My narcissistic wife went to therapy. Her therapist asked her what is her expectation of me. Her exact amswer was "Perfection"! Anybody that hears that from their partner needs to RUN & RUN AS FAST AND FAR AWAY FROM THEM AS U CAN!!!!!
I realised that I was stuck in the researching stage not only to understand what hzppend. But I was saving the videos in a playlist hoping that I could show all this information to my bpd ex in the hope she would understand and take action to become a beter person.... Then I realised I was still in the trow of my own Codependency, still the urge to fix somthing I don't have any control or responsibility for... Its hard to take a step back and change your self.
So true... Thank you for that transparency! It truly helps!
Recently broke up with my ex after the 20th time over(maybe more but who’s counting) 5 years... I kept thinking I could do things differently or somehow things would work if I could help her with her trauma. I have no shortage of flaws and thinking I could help her heal when I have my own traumas to deal with was just plain stupid. I now realize I kept ending it because of the level of disrespect I was subjected to during our disagreements. Nothing was ever her fault and she refused to accept responsibility for many things. It was only on me to acknowledge my shortcomings. Anyways, I’m a better person because of our relationship. She showed me a lot of things in myself thst I was not proud of and have changed for the better so it wasn’t a waste. I still deeply love her but after watching your videos, I now have a better understanding of our dynamic and how to move forward. Thank you Lise. Your work is extremely helpful and heaven sent.
Wow! You just described exactly what I went through. I am in 3 months nc and getting better. I hope you are too.
Sounds like we were in the same fish tank... My Ex Narc.. Would create Triangles and break off every other week for things as little as a bicycle tire... 7 years invested. Learned a lot, and had to learn not to run back but away from her... Her loss... Good luck to you
We can't be Captain Save A hOe. That's something I realized too. I was with someone who had BPD and thought I could help and get her healed, LMAO yeah right!
Trauma bond
yeaa incredibly similar relation I passed through.. even me I thankful for this relationship cause by her pushing on my negative sides I unveiled part of me who were not good and now I am on the path to become the person I always wanted to be.. for sure she created a lot of mess and disorder and yea she stole me 6 thousands euro ( which is the only thing I do not accept totally ) but she even helped me to look inside of myself.. for sure it would have been better to heal with a person that would have loved me.. but I found her and this is what it is.. I do love her aswell and a part of me really hopes she will heal and she will become the person I know she is .. but me I did everything I could to heal her.. even too much I did .. Today is still hard and still I suffer on a human level but I just hope is for reaching the best in my life.. And I do feel love inside of myself and the feelinf of Collettive hug and spread good vibes for anyone is pure and really suffer but has a good soul
This break up sounds like HELL on earth .
It is. You’re left empty and no longer able to recognise yourself.
yeah, it's purest ENJOY. We must to return to ourselves and recreate us.
It is
It really is hell.
Not a normal break up at all!!
My layman's working hypothesis is that strenuous physical exercise releases a chemical our brains need to heal, the only thing that seems to work for me right now is working out until my body hurts as much as my heart does.
Same here! I'm suddenly in the best shape of my life and still driving hard to release the nasty feeling. I'm simultaneously working to get my head right, staying focused on purpose with big plans ahead. Stay the course!
Close. Actually your brain needs endocannabinoids to heal trauma, and the safest and most effective way to get them is by doing vigorous and enjoyable exercise. If it's not vigorous or not enjoyable, no endocannabinoids. If you're just exercising hard, you may be releasing other chemicals that make you feel good in the moment or help you forget for a while. There is also evidence that very gentle mindful exercise helps, as well as walking (neurologist Wale Oladipo recommends 30 mins walking every day whatever the weather, for C-PTSD)
@@human_creature I hadn't thought about the enjoyable part, as a creature of instinct I had naturally sought out enjoyable exercise so I can excuse myself for missing it.
@@wy498 One day at a time still, dealing with court stuff is making things fresh again, thanks for the good wishes, and I hope you can find your center again too.
I find myself going to the park to do a 2 mile lap…all the time, or when I’m by myself at the house. It’s the only thing that helps and provides a distraction.
5-1/2 yrs since I left her (she's BPD) but I still think about her most days and whenever our paths cross (small town) I start the whole wondering if she thinks about me process all over again and feel sad for a day or two. On those days I still harbour feelings that if I was to write her a card or get in touch we could fix things and goo into the sunset full of happiness but that's my potential world kicking in. The reality is she doesn't care if I'm alive or dead and I mean nothing to her. It's sad but true..
That exactly describes what I went through. It was one of the most emotionally painful experiences, but I grew a lot because of it.
After a bit over a year, I am now in 6th stage. Instead of all the negative emotions like disbelief, hate etc. I now feel pity for her. It is her loss.
i too feel bad for my ex .. i know she didn’t want to act that way ….. but she didn’t even try to become a better person …oh life …i wish her well but in the great words of Popeye the Salior …. “ That’s all i can stands… and i can’t stands no more” ! thank God it’s over 🙏🏼
@@heyoldman2003Glad you are hanging on! That is unfortunately the main issue of narcissistic people. They lack accountability and self-awareness. Without both, we can't grow as a person.
They look at all guys the same so there is no loss to them
I walked from my relationship because it was so toxic. Her toxicity made me toxic and my behavior was disgusting. I saved us both by ending it. Can't believe Im the narcissist now. Bitten by the vampire, now I'm thirty for blood. Never saw that coming. I've become the one thing I feared...the monster itself ".
@@clintonnagy1662 at least you know and can try and get better…. right ?
I've found myself being upset at what she could have been. But she chose the dark side which I accept is her true self. I know it was an act.
Exactly. My even X even told me she was going to a dark place just before she shape shifted and became someone I did not recognize. It was the first day of our Mexican vacation. After 2 excruciatingly painful days of she flew home and has not talked to me since. I am grateful it’s over.
@@GaryToews It's very strange, thinking you know somebody but they then drop the act and reveal themselves. Takes a while to come to terms with.
I agree. I sometimes wonder whether she ever loved me at all.
@mukesh.dhimar the way I think about it is for 3 months or 6 or even a year my ex seemed obsessed with me, like a toddler with a new toy. But it was too full on, almost controlling, calling me at work etc
But I doubt it was love, then that obsession just gets switched off. Like they're bored. Affection is withdrawn and you start to wonder what the bells going on. She still occupies a place in my mind and I wish she didn't.
@@JohnSmith-wo7ns yeah I'm with you. It's horrible. I used to think that nobody has ever loved me like this before and I've never felt this way but none of it was real. I have to accept that. We all do. I'm going to write my own comment on here but it's going to be long so I'm going to do it later.
I came to your channel 13 months ago snd i was lost from her discarding me… i feel so much stronger and free … i still have a hair of cognitive dissonance but i feel I’ve entered into acceptance… she was sooo dam toxic … thank you for all you do . God Bless
I just ended my relationship yesterday.. it has been very hard to make that decision. We've gone back and forth.. i already thought it was over multiple times but narcs are very good at what they do. Thats something I've learned. She could say horrible things to me one day and somehow im still over there the next. It is very confusing and i feel for anyone thats going through this right now
This completely describes what I went through. Thanks very much Lise. I was unable to eat or sleep properly for months, lost weight, had nightmares, and it affected my work to a great degree. Only just now feeling back to myself again.
Same here, just starting the healing though
It’s hard, but when they put you through enough nonsense, it starts to get easier because you value your peace more than that person being in your life because they bring on so much turmoil. It’s like you can’t do anything right anymore and they are always in a bad mood. Am I getting warm?
An exact description of what I went/am going through.
Me too...the nightmares suck. Waking up and having dark thoughts consume you. Then trying to go to work while your head is in a fog. Being at work, and something triggers you to cry and you have to push it down but tears start rolling. Yeah, it all sucks...
Then wanting to call her dumb ass just to hear you're not strong enough to handle your emotions because you aren't a MAN.
Yep...been there several times. Probably happen again cause I'm to dumb to remember what a the pain feels like once I'm healed. Go figure.
@clintonnagy1662 Stay strong, I found that any contact with her was filling my need, even if it was toxic conversation. It's so hard but you have to break away. She text me with the name apology for a nasty text she had sent me prior. I followed it up with a non-combative text that ended with me telling her do not ever contact me again. She went nuts and went on a long childish rant. A 47 year old woman acting like 14 year old little girl and ending her text with the comment " you're nothing but a big liar" I reread it once in a while and I laugh I'm laughing right now thinking about it, you'll get there
Borderline survivor here. These steps happened to me exactly even the move on quick part
It’s scary how accurate this is.
This is exactly what happened to me. I’m finally approaching being OK with what happened. I’ve decided to take the good and leave the bad. It wasn’t all my fault. Hopefully I won’t let this happen again.
I've recently been dealing with a breakup with a covert narcissist. Lise, your videos have been helping me so much. I'm in therapy now thanks to your encouragement, and I'm healing. Thank you so much 🙏
Meeee tooo. Its helping me a lot. I had some informations about NPD while we were togheter, and had my instincts, that this relationship wasnt normal. Its helping me a lot to understand what happened, and cutting a weight over my shoulders. Thank you!
Better to be alone. I certainly am not feeling encouraged to find someone. All relationships go through these stages. Too much drama for me.
I've never researched a more accurate depiction of what happened to me.
Everything is spot on.
It's chilling
Oh my you talking about me. Today is a year of this Darkness.
I'm year 2.
Its year 9 for me, but i was married for 30 before i left.
I finally see a glimpse of the person I was before him, MUCH smarter now.
Much much smarter.
This is so accurate it's actually terrifying. I got goosebumps.
Spot on, i cept dwelling on what had happened for almost two years, all an all it took me four years to understand and leave, learn.
Today i know and it will never happen again.
I had NO idea my ex was a narc because he's so shy & quiet. I never doubted myself but I was shocked. I'm SO glad I didn't marry him. I dodged a bullet.
Covert narc. He was secretive about it, and in some cases may not have realized he was doing it. I pray you have both progressed in your lives since then!
I’ve just gone through the exact same stages, which isn’t a first. Looking back, i’ve realised i’ve only ever gotten involved with Narcissists, which means i’ve got a lot of internal work to do.
same for me, but I don't think thst means I have internal work, IT'S THEM. Curious; why do you put the blame on yourself ?
@@morriahmcdonald4040 Because I attracted them into my life by not enforcing healthy boundaries.
It’s especially hard when they’re someone who physically tick all of your boxes. I did everything to show her respect, love and care and she threw it all in my face and flushed it down the toilet.
I just got out of a 2.5 year relationship with an un-diagnosed narc (or BPD) girlfriend. It's as if she was intentionally hurtful to me towards the end of the relationship. It ruined my self esteem and self image. However, I kept the faith and was empathetic, putting in effort trying to fix something that was met with her resistance. I realized i started chasing her affection and love which wasn't reciprocated and she broke up with me out of irritation. I remember telling her sometimes it was like i was dating Jekyll & Hyde (this was before i knew what narcissism was). Boy oh boy do I feel like a PHD in BPD and NPD now. I still love her and think about her every day. But its been a little over 2 months of no contact and I just now can take a breath and move on with my own life. I went through about 16 hours of therapy and in the end, my therapist says I have adjustment disorder with depressed mood, and possibly even sub-clinical PTSD. Thanks for your content and best of luck to all who are going through this because it is torment.
I can relate to this man. Six months on and I'm still the same. She's a demon. We cannot let these demons control us anymore.
Jekyll and Hyde is what I used to say to mine also, its harder when you have children with NPD, I'm stuck in stage 6, she played the its all "my fault" card today ," I cant form normal relationships with anyone, I'm better off alone", playing on my sympathy, the 2nd day after we slept she opened her childhood trauma to me, you never know your being played ,2 kids and 7 years it got to a point of low violence but just enough to get me to react, she doesn't take any responsibility and will not seek help, even though I have. the latest thing is not being able to see me at handovers, tells everyone around I'm a monster and give her grief, blocks me continuously to get me to react on social media or phone, when I'm not even talking to her as have distanced myself from her for 18months. friends and family do not understand , they may listen but they only see it that you dismissed them during the early stages of the relationship. every night I would get abuse, either being put down made to do things , made to feel crap i wasn't getting her pregnant even though I didn't want anymore. i helped with school runs cooked and did chores whilst holding stay at home desk job , she would make me sleep deprived and sometimes not allow to sleep in her bed (unless wanted sex) so sofa or floor was only option. its a Rolle roaster of emotions and you just put up with it without leaving , I did love her and didn't want to leave the kids, the final straw that broke me is when i had enough i started standing up for my self she hated it, i started being slightly aggressive back and abusive back and in turn she threw me out a couple of times because when a man does it he has to leave , not the same in the eyes of everyone if a woman does it for years.
wasnt as bad as this guy on the below link
www.channel5.com/show/my-wife-my-abuser-the-secret-footage
if you still going through any early stages guys listen to Eminem's song 25-to -life it depicts exactly what we survivors go through
1st verse
"I don't think she understands the sacrifices that I've made
Maybe if this bitch had acted right, I would've stayed
But I've already wasted over half my life, I would've laid
Down and died for you, I no longer cry for you, no more pain
Bitch, you took me for granted
Took my heart and ran it straight into the planet
Into the dirt, I can no longer stand it
Now my respect, I demand it
I'ma take control of this relationship, command it
And I'ma be the boss of you now, goddamn it
And what I mean is that I will no longer let you control me
So you better hear me out, this much you owe me
I gave up my life for you, totally devoted to you, I have stayed
Faithful all the way, this is how I fuckin' get repaid?
Look at how I dress, fuckin' baggy sweats, go to work a mess
Always in a rush to get back to you, I ain't heard you yet
Not even once say you appreciate me, I deserve respect
I've done my best to give you nothin' less than perfectness
And I know that if I end this, I'll no longer have nothin' left
But you keep treatin' me like a staircase, it's time to fuckin' step
And I won't be comin' back, so don't hold your fuckin' breath
You know what you've done, no need to go in-depth
I told you you'd be sorry if I fuckin' left, I'd laugh while you wept
How's it feel now? Yeah, funny, ain't it? You neglected me
Did me a favor though, my spirit free, you've set
But a special place for you in my heart, I have kept
2nd verse
I feel like when I bend over backwards for you (too late)
All you do is laugh 'cause that ain't good enough
You expect me to fold myself in half 'til I snap
Don't think I'm loyal, all I do is rap
How can I moonlight on the side? I have no life outside of that
Don't I give you enough of my time? You don't think so, do you?
Jealous when I spend time with the girls, why I'm married to you still?
Man, I don't know, but tonight I'm serving you with papers
I'm divorcing you, go marry someone else and make 'em famous
And take away their freedom like you did to me
Treat 'em like you don't need 'em and they ain't worthy of you
Feed 'em the same shit that you made me eat, I'm moving on, forget you
Oh, now I'm special? I ain't feel special when I was with you
All I ever felt was this helplessness
Imprisoned by a selfish bitch, chew me up and spit me out
I fell for this so many times, it's ridiculous
And still I stick with this, I'm sick of this
But in my sickness and addiction, you're addictive as they get
Evil as they come, vindictive as they make 'em
My friends keep askin' me why I can't just walk away from
I'm addicted to the pain, the stress, the drama, I'm drawn to
Shit, I guess I'm a mess, cursed and blessed, but this time I
Ain't changin' my mind, I'm climbin' out this abyss
You're screamin' as I walk out that I'll be missed
But when you spoke of people who meant the most to you
You left me off your list
keep healing and learning that is all I can do , I still fall into traps and argue back because sometimes you still are blind and you are nice human being this is why they choose you :(
@@stevengillett9600 Thanks for sharing your experience and the song lyrics, they are super familiar.
Thanks Lise. Worth noting people can experience the stages in varing orders, and the stages can repeat . For example for myself, I learnt/realised her narcissistic triats, then decided to seperate ways. Experienced relief. After that I went through early stages. And the stages would come and go in different oder at varying intensities. After seperation, life is different for each individual, you might experience events/incidents that trigger you back to a certain stage. As you are cycling through these stages, with time, being self aware, managing triggers, you start to revolve slower, and slower to a gradual clam stop - to your inner home - to yourself.
Yes you’re right, it can vary depending on the person
Thanks for saying this - I was in a 10yr relationship with someone I believe is a covert narc. I tried to save the relationship for 5yrs, dreading having to face a breakup with him. Couldn't conceive of my life without him in it. He poked me many times into reactive abuse (my responses are big so he has been able to convince me I was an abusive monster). In late 2019, I just couldn't take it how exhausted he made me and how often we were fighting and crying. But then we got quarantined together in 2020 for 4 months and reattached. When things opened up, I packed up my car, left a note, and moved out temporarily. Thus began all the stages...4 years later I am STILL feeling all of these stages and in different orders. I've felt them all. I think I'm healed but then he reaches out to say hey, reminds me that I "am the abusive one", and I have to start all over again. I thought I was on the acceptance stage before that call on my birthday...now 3 weeks later I am on my knees bawling over him and the hole he left, the disappointment that I couldn't improve him or us no matter how I tried...even tho my life is SOOO much healthier and happier without him being so negative everyday!!
It hasn't made sense to me why I am still struggling to get over him 4yrs later!!
Until your comment and this video. Every single point and example felt like you had been in my head tonight as I grieved and cried yet again over the 4yr old breakup.
I really feel less nuts knowing that I've actually been very deeply affected by him even if he wasn't aware of his actions. I'm not crazy for feeling all these stuck and empty feelings and constantly hearing his criticisms in my head hour after hour for all these years.
Thx for publishing this...and for reading. You've helped me.
@TiaBria-StellaNPig It must have been very difficult for you.
I highly recommend "12 Smart Things to do when the booze and drugs are gone" by Allen Berger.
It’s not only research, it’s full on validation. Thank you for validating us Lise! 💜
You perfectly described what I'm going through. Dated this narc woman for 7 months and it was the best happiest 7 months I've had with someone, I genuinely thought for a second that I found 'the one'. In the last month she drastically pulled back and became less affectionate, less excited to see me, and even disrespected me. I called her out on her bad behavior and her response was blame it on me, that it was my fault, and she ghosted/blocked me everywhere. She never even told me we were done or breaking up, she just straight ghosted me. What's even more cold is she immediately hopped on dating apps and put she's "looking for a serious relationship".
I've dealt with bad breakups and toxic people before, but this one stung. Someone who I thought was a perfect match for me ended up being so cruel.
This is incredible. It's like you witnessed our relationship.
Difficult truth that few will have the courage to admit:
I KNEW she was evil.
I always KNEW.
Consciously or unconsciously, I KNEW.
I didn’t know that it was called “narcissism” at the time, but I KNEW.
Evil is carnally ATTRACTIVE.
I was carnally attracted to the evil.
I gave into the temptation of Satan.
“Carnal love” vs “spiritual love”.
That is the choice.
If we choose “carnal love”, we will receive “the punishment of God” as our KARMA.
Always choose “spiritual love”.
Incredibly accurate
I don't think God punishes those who are contrite. He's forgiving and kind. The devil will torment us especially if we slept with them. I didn't have sex with my narc but he wanted it. I turned my life to Christ.
Bruh, facts
It took me decades of denial and disbelief that someone you married could actually behave this way.
A few years ago I stumbled upon the definition of a covert narcissist. That led me to videos and more reading and the term radical acceptance.
After trying to talk with her through some of my questions, she refused readily to “rehash” everything of her decade long affair. We never even “hashed” it once.
I gave up and admitted the marriage was indeed over. I’ll never truly get away from her due to age, retirement, finances and insurance BUT outside of the house I have nothing to do with her. Different churches, no lunches, no movies and the like.
I doubt my brain will ever fully adjust back to my normal me but this life will have to do for now.
I miss who I was before her.
why do I find all this help now on dealing with and identifying narcissistic people it was one of the worst break up experiences I've ever had. I didn't know what was anxiety or depression felt like until I met her but I am grateful to go through it because I learnt a lot
Stunning. A trajectory very similar to mine. During a particularly difficult breakup some years ago, I saw a therapist who said my ex's pattern of behavior suggested that she was a narcissist. My own Research Stage helped put more context around the experience. I realize now how extremely fortunate I was to be dumped sooner rather than later. Healing Stage now well in progress, with rare and very selective forays into additional Research, courtesy of your excellent videos. Thanks, very much.
Firstly, this is going to be a really long comment. I hope people read. I need help and I also need to get things out. I'll try and keep it as short as possible.
This video is so on point that it's almost frightening. I met a woman online. She lives fifty miles away...the distance was nothing at first to either of us. It became something to her after. More on that later.
She was the woman of my dreams. Perfect. I thought I'd died and gone to heaven. I couldn't believe it. What I did believe was that every decision I've made in life-even the bad ones, led me to her. And I was the happiest I've ever been. The talks. The connection. The sex. What we had planned. Everything. Perfect. She was full on. I had a key to her house by the third meeting. And she'd already told me she loved me. I know it was fast moving and at the grand old ages of me being 41 and her being 36...it felt right because we had life experience and it didn't feel like it wasn't love. It was such a strong connection. I have never felt like that nor do I think that I ever will.
Then things started happening. She did drugs which I didn't know about from the start. She would put me down. When we were out, she would talk to other guys and leave me and them come and ask if I was jealous and sometimes she would dance and grind against other guys whilst I was there. I told her I didn't like it and she made out that I was controlling her. I told her I didn't like her going to her friend's house because she used to do drugs and sleep with him (which I believed she did whilst we were still together). She carried on.
There were no boundaries. Sometimes I used to arrive at her house and she'd be drugged up and out of it sometimes whilst her children were in the house. Once her disgusting drug providing friend was stood over her whilst she was on the lawn. I confronted him and he denied doing anything.
She would accuse me of being the one in the wrong! She called me narcissistic. I didn't even know what it meant. When I researched it, I realised that it was her who was narcissistic.
She used to call me in the early hours of the morning, sometimes with her druggie friend there. She used to tell me that her exes were there. She even went on dates whilst we were still together and blamed me for her doing that saying that she wouldn't be doing it if I was there. She even sent pictures of her getting dressed up for her dates. This was whilst we were still together, remember.
I know everyone is thinking why I put up with this. I was too deep by then. She cheated on me several times.
Once I got out of her car because she was humiliating me and I was in the middle of nowhere. It took me nearly five hours to get home on foot and I could have died as the road was very dangerous. No footpaths.
I used to have to clean up her mess as she was out if it when I came to her house. She used to blame me for that too. To the point where I was contemplating moving there and leaving my jobs, family and friends. I'd have done anything for her. She blamed me for her disgusting behaviour.
Everytime I tried to get away, she'd turn up at my work or my house. Lure me back in. One time she did that, we literally had the perfect day. I knew she slept with someone else and was willing to let that go. At 1am at her house after the most beautiful day, she decides to tell me thay she slept with her druggie friend too. Who she knew I absolutely despised. I leave the house. I didn't have a car at the time. It was dark..we both had drank. She came looking for me, grabbed me to go back in and said it would be my fault if she lost her licence. I tell her she's a monster and was crying. And I ended up walking in the middle of nowhere.
She used to tell me about her exes and how awful they were and how different I was and then she said that I was like her exes. I wasn't. But she wanted to make me feel bad. She used to constantly tell me about guys asking her out and how she could have anyone. She made her family hate me (her mum was racist to me anyway. One time her mum even asking her in front of me why she couldn't get an English boyfriend-I am a British Indian) and my ex tried to turn my own mum and friends against me.
I ended up writing her a long letter which I have a copy of. It was like a book. I wrote and ended up keeping on writing...about all the bad things she did to me. Telling her I was done. She did things to me that if a man had done to a woman, he would be put in jail. I can't get into this on here.
After she received the letter she calls me and says she is with someone else who has now shown her true love. She had been seeing him for two months and they planned to get married and were buying a house together with all their kids. She then said she was coming to my work place to bring me my things. I hung up the phone and told my colleague I didn't want to see her. I didn't. She then leaves me a message to say that I was a coward.
She's contacted me a few times since. Even though she isn't allowed to. But the police won't ever arrest her. It's been six months since I last saw her. Five months since I sent the letter. And two months since she last contacted me.
I still think about her everyday. I still cry everyday. What could have been. And what it actually was. What it is.
I feel like a nobody. I have no confidence. Women don't like me. I'm self conscious. I have anxiety. Sometimes I wake up and go to sleep crying.
Sorry about the long comment. Thank you for reading.
Im happy Ive found these videos. It helps with healing, but Im more concerned about my toxic behavior now. Im NOT the same person. I have poor behaviors. Defensiveness, sarcasm, paranoia, overthinking, calculating and codependency. I was a calm, chill guy when i met her. I cant even sit alone in silence cause Im so use to chaos that the silence feels uncomfortable.
I want my old self back because I feel lost.
I went a quite a while without watching narcissist videos, but i just went through a couple months of boot camp with my ex using children as weapons of warfare and control. Hoovers, and anger/rage for shutting down anorher hoover successfully.
I started listening again as the hoover threw me for a mind game from hell.
Was able to set firm boundaries again and felt healing amongst the ptsd trigger.
6 years of the roller coaster...she actually DIED a year ago after 2 years apart and I'm still doing the work to heal...thank you Lise❤
Been stuck in the Sixth Stage for some time now, but I am still not separated from my narcissistic partner. Instead we lead more distant lives.
Moving on and starting over after two decades of investment and struggle is beyond difficult!
I am in no way attached to the chaos and drama of the toxic relationship however. In fact when I come in contact with it now I pull further and further away… I believe the inevitable to be on the horizon, but pulling that pin seems impossible still.
Thank you for all the advice and help Lise Leblanc! Without informative videos and tutorials like this coming to the realization of the insurmountable obstacle that has been dragging me down for decades (covert narcissism) would have taken far longer if I was ever able to truly figure it out.
It still doesn’t and will never make logical sense to me, but I accept that now (a very difficult task for a “type A” personality).
Thank you for sharing your experience and journey. It’s great that you’ve gotten your a point of acceptance
I've known that a female narcissist has been playing games with her husband for over forty years. I can't tell you how much damage she did to me before they met. Horrible!
I entered into the relationship self confident, secure and doing well for myself. Only to be completely drained, broken and questioning my self worth. The cycles of love bombing and devaluation were killer! So often the question in my mind, was "do you really even want me here?" She was emotionally unavailable, fragile and had impossible standards. Her expectations were sometimes unrealistic and she gave no grace in her interactions with anyone. Claiming she didn't have patience for those that should have common sense.
And likewise as you did the same thing, the pattern you went through was exactly the same. Cold, unavailable, obtuse, unloving & draining.. that’s the pattern!
Thank you so much for your videos. I am around stage 3 or 4 right now after 7 years of frustration. I am healing thanks to angels like you. Thank you!
I stuck with her for 18 years. Every bit of this hit home!! I'M NOT CRAZY AFTER ALL!!!
I'm just awakening to the fact that I've been married to a woman with NPD after 23 years. 3 kids and 2 at home. I have no clue what im going to do
I drove away one day, after 30 years of marriage. I drove almost 2000 miles away. Its been 10 years, but I'm not as stuck as I was. I had hope, i still do.
Thank you for being straight forward, as a man in narcissistic relationship your advice along with the unwavering support from my counsel is helping me realise the state I am in.
I recommend men who go through this to go to therapy not UA-cam, but this lady is absolutely right what she’s saying
I just can't thank you enough. You just described the stages as I'm going through. I believe now I came to final stage is healing. Now my only focus is to make myself better a bit by bit each and every day.
Lord have mercy!! This video is spot on with what I’m going through. Stage by stage and I can see everything you’re saying as if I was right back in it.
One of the most eye opening things I've seen on this journey came from my apple watch. MY resting heart rate has gone down 20 bpm since I've left. Peaking right before I left. I couldn't stand it another second. Therapy has been helpful but I'm bouncing around in the acceptance/replaying stages. But the more I've learned, especially this list just shows how predictable these people are. And holding onto anger like it will matter to them is like expecting a tree to respect your anger. It's just pointless.
This youtuber is straight to the point. And also you can feel her concern. With all that knowledge... What a great combinaison! I'm in an 11 years relation with a covert. Asked her to marry me last year. Said YES! With all the fakeness a covert can put on a show. I've discovered the narcissist 1 month earlier. Crazy! Everything just click!! Now I've accepted (or remembered) that all of this wasn't about love. My codependency (growing with a narcissitic and oppressive mother) and the unability of my futur ex- to show affection, kindness, accountability and awareness (she really can't read the room!).
Liz, you rock so damn much! Thank you for everything. May all your deepest needs be fulfilled! From Paris !! 😇🙌🏾🙌🏾🇨🇵
That is just crazy ! I left our home for a flat situated miles away. Now, she looks fragile, polite and less picky. But everytime I've accepted to spend a night with her, as soon as we arrived near our house, tensions started again. Creating a mess to avoid intimacy but still using me as a pillow... Everytime I regret my decision but everytime after few days I trapped myself in this situation
Im so grateful I started working in my healing journey from childhood ptsd. I had a narc family system and I was the scapegoat. After getting sober from alcohol which was how I annesthesized my self ,I knew I had to work on core issues. Im grateful I found a safe person to hear me out , believe me and empathize with me as a survivor, and start modeling the tools of self compassion and healthy boundaries to me. I gradually started applying them and my inner child and true self , came out when I started having integrity to him and speaking up for him and following through with my boundaries. I felt very empowered , and worked on very hard on having boundaries and advocating for my needs. Now I can find available relationships as a result of being gentle on myself and having boundaries and advocating for my needs. I also can discern abuse ,and I speak up and detach. IM grateful that healthy self compassion and boundaries allow me to keep healing at the deepest level safely and with agency, autonomy and empowerment .IM worth it . and can take my space and shine my true self with gentleness humor love and respect as well. Were worth it :) cheers.
I've been out it for roughly 10 months now (was in it for 4 years). I am somewhere between the anger and healing stages. It's incredibly frustrating to STILL think about the things she said and did and how much it pisses me off, especially when I'm sure she barely has a thought about me. The anger and hatred runs pretty deep, both for her and for myself for putting up with any of the bullshit. I'm trying to be more forgiving, especially for myself, just so I can move on and not think about all this anymore. Thank you for helping us through this, Lise.
This is a powerful video! recognizing narcistic encouters with daily exchanges is not necessarily a bad thing.
Stage 5 really stuck out to me... It does feel relieving seeing it wasn't all my fault, but I wasn't aware this relieve from research could be a problem in itself. Thanks for your video's, they have really helped me in a difficult time :)
Whats helping me is time alone in my yard or having family over for cookouts. My prayer time is a serene part if the day. He left me when my dad had a stroke because he was mad i would be at the hospital everyday since my dad was paralyzed. Narc would not go with me and just sat at home watching tv and stewing in anger.
Your videos are a gift, thank you.
Spot on. I wish I’d had this video 5 years ago when I went through this. I was on my own. My wish for those going though this, is to take this info to heart. Even after all these years, there are sill lingering thoughts of her. Lise, I appreciate your videos more than you could know. You are doing important work. Thank you!!!
4 books to help, no1 The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Expanded Third Edition: How to recognize it and how to respond. no2 Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal With People Who Try to Control You. no3 Combating Cult Mind Control: The #1 Best-Selling Guide to Protection, Rescue, and Recovery from Destructive Cults. no4 What to Say When You Talk to Yourself Shad Helmstetter, Ph.D.
Its been 3 months since i ended a 5 year relationship after discovering him cheating. It was a godsend, really, as i was unhappy and settling for a pathological lack of intimacy and safety issues. Im trying to work through all the feelings and triggered trauma without falling into despair.
So recognizable, served the soon to be ex with a divorce 7 months ago, hopefully it comes to a conlusion soon.
I feel so much better without her.
She's an absolute mess now, feel so sorry for my two (adult) kids who live with her, hope they will see what I have come to see who their mom actually is.
i’ve learned enough… it’s time to heal some how & move on , RIP … it’s all baby steps at this point . move three states away
Lise, You have no idea how much I needed this video, I cannot thank you enough for putting this out.
You are absolutely Brilliant Lise.
Your videos are AMAZING!!!
I thought I was healing well (9 months later) I’m now ruminating again and researching. I’m flitting between the stages. I don’t want to care anymore.
Having gone through a detox in the past, this rings true. I just stumbled in and appreciate your clear, straight-to-the-point and no-nonsense delivery. Still diving into the older videos, but already can see they're very helpful. Subscribed with thanks, look forward to future ones, and good luck with your channel.
Listening to your video- felt like you re reacting my last year…
Thanks for helping so many of those who will learn and take strength from your wisdom
Thank you for helping us. Your presence and information is really valuable.
Thank you so much. Its been almost 5 months and I believe I am ready to let it go and get on with my life. I have watched countless videos of yours, new and old, and I cannot express the amount of gratitude I have for the detailed, concise, and thorough information you put out in your videos. The amount of things I have come across in your videos that detail exactly what was happening in my relationship, and the motivation behind them has been extremely enlightening. I am the type who NEEDS to understand something in some way before I am able to let it go.
Thank you.
You’re very welcome, I’m happy to hear my content was valuable to you and I wish you all the best as you move forward into the next chapter of your life.
@LiseLeblanc time is better sometimes and sometimes few bad days
Thank you. I believe this to be your best and most relative video yet.. going through this EXACTLY as explained...the videos help so much. Thank you Thank you Thank you 🫡
Thank you for this video. You have a new subscriber ❤
Excellent video, sums it up perfectly
Co parenting counseling between my EX and I was terrible. She would sit and lie to the counselor about court orders. Something that is easily provable. We were finally discharged and I refused to keep going. Then she filed contempt charges against me but she lost anyway. She would sit there and tell the counselor what a pos I am yet wants to work things out. What a mess!
Definitely a challenging situation 😔 wishing you all the best despite these circumstances
@@LiseLeblanc thank you
I must be in stage 5. I am here!
I'm in between 5th - 6th stage. Reacting to your video itself says Im still not out quite clearly. Fall out started happening jan '23. We met again in September '23, had sex too...but she kept complaining about having UTI so in a way she was avoiding it, but kind of favoring me. Currently, Im better, although I feel sometimes Im the narcissist. Still not clear who really is the narcissist between us. Till two months back she was still in touch. Once in while she would drop in a message or two to check on me. Honestly, I was also secretly waiting for messages. But, in our last call she said she has moved on...and yes dating has become a problem with me too. I was quite a smooth guy, but now Im very conscious or judgemental interacting with women. I think love, dating and relationship is over for me now.
By the way thanks to Dr. Ramani and you. Both of you have helped me a lot to overcome this relationship. @lise leblanc, you're especially more easier to understand and more empathetic I feel. Thank you so much!
Extremely precise and detailed explanation, I went through the exact same stages. Thanks for sharing, Lise.
Jekyll and Hyde is what I used to say to mine also, its harder when you have children with NPD, I'm stuck in stage 6, she played the its all "my fault" card today ," I cant form normal relationships with anyone, I'm better off alone", playing on my sympathy, the 2nd day after we slept she opened her childhood trauma to me, you never know your being played ,2 kids and 7 years it got to a point of low violence but just enough to get me to react, she doesn't take any responsibility and will not seek help, even though I have. the latest thing is not being able to see me at handovers, tells everyone around I'm a monster and give her grief, blocks me continuously to get me to react on social media or phone, when I'm not even talking to her as have distanced myself from her for 18months. friends and family do not understand , they may listen but they only see it that you dismissed them during the early stages of the relationship. every night I would get abuse, either being put down made to do things , made to feel crap i wasn't getting her pregnant even though I didn't want anymore. i helped with school runs cooked and did chores whilst holding stay at home desk job , she would make me sleep deprived and sometimes not allow to sleep in her bed (unless wanted sex) so sofa or floor was only option. its a Rolle roaster of emotions and you just put up with it without leaving , I did love her and didn't want to leave the kids, the final straw that broke me is when i had enough i started standing up for my self she hated it, i started being slightly aggressive back and abusive back and in turn she threw me out a couple of times because when a man does it he has to leave , not the same in the eyes of everyone if a woman does it for years.
wasnt as bad as this guy on the below link
www.channel5.com/show/my-wife-my-abuser-the-secret-footage
if you still going through any early stages guys listen to Eminem's song 25-to -life it depicts exactly what we survivors go through
1st verse
"I don't think she understands the sacrifices that I've made
Maybe if this bitch had acted right, I would've stayed
But I've already wasted over half my life, I would've laid
Down and died for you, I no longer cry for you, no more pain
Bitch, you took me for granted
Took my heart and ran it straight into the planet
Into the dirt, I can no longer stand it
Now my respect, I demand it
I'ma take control of this relationship, command it
And I'ma be the boss of you now, goddamn it
And what I mean is that I will no longer let you control me
So you better hear me out, this much you owe me
I gave up my life for you, totally devoted to you, I have stayed
Faithful all the way, this is how I fuckin' get repaid?
Look at how I dress, fuckin' baggy sweats, go to work a mess
Always in a rush to get back to you, I ain't heard you yet
Not even once say you appreciate me, I deserve respect
I've done my best to give you nothin' less than perfectness
And I know that if I end this, I'll no longer have nothin' left
But you keep treatin' me like a staircase, it's time to fuckin' step
And I won't be comin' back, so don't hold your fuckin' breath
You know what you've done, no need to go in-depth
I told you you'd be sorry if I fuckin' left, I'd laugh while you wept
How's it feel now? Yeah, funny, ain't it? You neglected me
Did me a favor though, my spirit free, you've set
But a special place for you in my heart, I have kept
2nd verse
I feel like when I bend over backwards for you (too late)
All you do is laugh 'cause that ain't good enough
You expect me to fold myself in half 'til I snap
Don't think I'm loyal, all I do is rap
How can I moonlight on the side? I have no life outside of that
Don't I give you enough of my time? You don't think so, do you?
Jealous when I spend time with the girls, why I'm married to you still?
Man, I don't know, but tonight I'm serving you with papers
I'm divorcing you, go marry someone else and make 'em famous
And take away their freedom like you did to me
Treat 'em like you don't need 'em and they ain't worthy of you
Feed 'em the same shit that you made me eat, I'm moving on, forget you
Oh, now I'm special? I ain't feel special when I was with you
All I ever felt was this helplessness
Imprisoned by a selfish bitch, chew me up and spit me out
I fell for this so many times, it's ridiculous
And still I stick with this, I'm sick of this
But in my sickness and addiction, you're addictive as they get
Evil as they come, vindictive as they make 'em
My friends keep askin' me why I can't just walk away from
I'm addicted to the pain, the stress, the drama, I'm drawn to
Shit, I guess I'm a mess, cursed and blessed, but this time I
Ain't changin' my mind, I'm climbin' out this abyss
You're screamin' as I walk out that I'll be missed
But when you spoke of people who meant the most to you
You left me off your list
keep healing and learning that is all I can do , I still fall into traps and argue back because sometimes you still are blind and you are nice human being this is why they choose you :(
Reply
I needed this one
How can I ever get better again? I was targeting by my soon to be ex-wife. And it was textbook, the love bombing, the manipulation. However she attempted to have me murdered for the insurance payout. And even had me drugged and sodomized before discarding me.
Furthermore, I've C.P.T.S.D. so I'm an extremely screwed up broken person. I don't think I can ever have a normal life. I just get hit with trauma after trauma.
Wow. Drugged and sodomized before discarded?? That is the most evil shit I ever heard !! That's whole other level stuff right there !!
When, I met my narc, I was separated but still married. My narc told me she knew a guy, that knew a guy that could make my ( now ex wife ) go away. I asked her, " do you know what you're saying?" I said absolutely not, but if she does come up missing Im giving the police youre number for suggesting that. Of coarse, I got the response " I was joking ". These people have to moral value. It's sick.
Madame Leblanc, vous avez une façon exceptionnelle de comprendre et d'expliquer les conséquences du trauma lié a une relation avec un narcissique! Grâce à vous, j'ai enfin pu comprendre ce que je vivais puisque votre description du covert narssisist correspondait très bien à ce que je vivais. Récemment, après plusieurs breakups de la pars de la narcissique et d'une tentative de thérapie de couple (j'ai dû insister fortement pour qu'elle accepte la thérapie), j'ai décidé de mettre fin à la relation. Je me sens enfin soulagé et j'ai espoir de bientôt être en mesure de me retrouver. Ce vidéo arrive à point pour moi. Il correspond EXACTEMENT aux étapes à travers desquelles j'ai dû passer. À un point tel qu'on dirait que vous me connaissez! J'en suis maintenant entre l'étape 4 et 6, bien que je ne ressente pas de colère contre mon ex, je comprends ce qu'elle vie et je suis attristé de savoir qu'elle ne s'en sortira probablement jamais. Merci madame Leblanc, vos vidéos sont très instructifs, respectueux et honnêtes. Ils m'ont été d'une grande aide. Merci!
Very grateful for all your insights and support. It took me three years to break free, during which time i took care of her in every way. I went from being highly successful and productive, the love of her life, to being a shell of what I once was. I was financially and emotionally abused and at time of writing this all the stages blend into one. Cry every day, barely function and have 200 euros in the world. No one gets it except people who have lived it. I face homlessness and the total incomprehension of those I turn to for help. She has a new supply and house. Her life shines brightly on the surface. Her aunt once told me to leave her. "She'll kill you if you stay." She almost made it.
Thankyou so much!!! It was just 2 months and i went through that. Just insane.
Very good video, thank you very much.
Thank you Lise
You are totally spot on. Ty
Im slowly doing this now processing myself i hope to be ok all youve said is so true happened to me over and over
Thank you so much for the videos though its seems i am in love with your voice
thank you so much Lisa
she was 28 years old and I was 35 when we first started dating
I was with this woman 26 years the first 10 years was Heaven on Earth
first 10 years she really turned me on in Sex Bomb me thought I found my soulmate
she played me like a fiddle the last several years has been hell on Earth
she left me over a year ago she found the new sucker
she made me feel like it was all my fault
i messed up and took her back and I realized what big mistake I made
I tried everything to make this relationship work
in this relationship I give her a 100% And she took 100% and give me a broken heart
August 2024 will be 2 years since she last left me your videos are helping me find closure
never would have thought in a million years that I would be old and lonely
now I'm 63 years old and she's 54 years
I'm not entered the dating game yet I'm still terrified
Lisa your videos is open my eyes I've been going through hell on Earth thank you Lisa
Thank you 😊
100% accurate video
i was stuck on this person with for a year, just.. like i couldnt live. it was weird, but i am also a natural overthinker which did not help
thank you so much for your awesome videos least I know now what I've been going throughI was with this woman for 26 years I was going through hell on Earth
Wow! It hurts just listening to you talk about what I really went through and still struggling with all of this. You know, the Narcissist really seems like the Devil. Do these people ever find any peace in their life, at all?? Let me know. Thanks
I just got out of a really ugly narc bpd combo breakup (im the person with bpd my ex is the narc) and i feel even more out of it trying to both being more aware of my faults and loops as my diagnosis is fairly new and I am still not in a focused treatment for bpd as well to really dig down and get into the bottom of how much my insecurities and triggers make her feast on my mind and break me worse than when i was with her. Standing strong and keeping distance for almost 4 weeks now but the going back mentally is really tiring expecially in my bpd setting. Thanks for making theses videos on personality disorders expecially these one because I felt I was insane, even more when her public slander is constant and I have to make the effort to stop chasing.
He's not even gone yet, and I'm going through this! I can't seem to get him out because I keep doubting it all. It's going to be real bad I guess when he is gone. Time to stop researching. :D I was surprised by that. I am keeping them alive in my mind. This has to stop. So this will be the last one I connect with. I guess I can avoid that part once he's gone.
You don't need to learn anymore after awhile.... i was like im more addicted to UA-cam vidoes than him!
Thank you for thsi
Thank you
I am kinda shattered that after 31 years I find out this has a name. I've spent 31 years trying to prove myself to somebody that simply will not accept proof.
And... I only found out it has a name because I was accused of it! I needed to understand her latest of a very, very long list of false allegations.
I know this sounds really bad BUT (😅)... is there a hereditary link? Does this run in families?
I'm no expert. It's just what I have experienced.