@@andber yes especially working hard coming home and feeling rejected I have to say this made me not even care about paying rent etc. I was a prisoner in my own home never again though
The way to protect yourself from a narcissist is to take away your attention from them. It will destroy a lot of their game-playing and manipulative tactics. I believe the proper term is grey rock. No explaining, No complaining, and No fussing. Behave as though you don't care about their toxicity. Behave as though you don't care about any of their bad behavior. Not only that, but choose not to speak to them for long periods of time. Do that when they are behaving badly. Why would you do all of this? You don't want to give them narcissistic supply. Sometimes, narcissists may do certain things to get you to complain, explain yourself, or whatever else.
It's uncanny! You may as well have observed our entire sex life. This description is amazing. If someone had a cut on their finger, a dr could explain the entire process that would follow. That's easy for me to understand. The fact that a personality disorder would follow a pattern so precisely must seem obvious to you, but to me, this is a revelation.
1. Love and sex bombing. 2. Withdrawal of sexual intimacy. 3. Criticism. 4. Rejection. 5. Breaching boundaries and sexual coercion. 6. Completely indifferent and detached from you sexual needs and preferences. 7. Guilty and shame. 8. Using your vulnerabilities against you. 9. Comparisons. 10. Cheating.
Wow!!! This video hit the my ex to the T (yes, I finally let go and said goodbye and it has been 7 months now without getting sucked back in)!! I always knew what was going on, even had proof for so many years. She has me so psychologically damaged that I kept allowing it. She did the EXACT same thing to her ex husband before me as well. I almost took my life, even tried but was unsuccessful:(. Her videos literally saved my life! Thank you thank you thank you!!!! I am still getting help from a therapist and he even explained that I will need the therapy for decades as what she did to me was the worst case he had ever heard of. I am sticking with Therapy for my son's sake and have finally found happiness again!!!
1,2,3,4,6 seem like milestones in majority of relationships, even though the timeliness can be anything from days to decades. The others seem like more specific traits. The question for me is how much is conscious and meanspirited and how much is subconscious powerplay
OMG, I’m having Flashbacks. Sex with my Narcissist ex-wife was everything you mentioned here. When I tried to discuss our lack intimacy with her, in our sexless marriage, I was met with a very abrupt “if you want it that badly, then you should go and pay for it”. This was the end for me after 26 years together. These people are broken. You can’t help/fix them. Get out/away and save yourself.
26 years here before divorce too, Mark! It takes a lot time sometimes. I have children that I had to protect, so I stayed until the children could make qualified decisions for themselves. Other than that, I would have been gone much earlier, but the illness is progressive. It got worse as time went on. We had a lot of good times. It just got progressively worse and worse and worse. I think it has to do with running out of places to hide as well as hardness of heart in an unwillingness to look introspectively while constantly looking on the outside for someone to be at fault. It is an illness. I think it is curable, but the spouse, in the script, can not be the counselor. The spouse must be the perpetrator who is written into the script as being faulted as the perpetual perpetrator and the lesser perpetual hero. So the perpetrator can try until he dies, but he will never be more of a hero than he is of a zero. It is in the script. It can't be any other way. Someone must always be at fault for why she does what she does. It is in the script!
@@pharxahghxst3654 I got that same response because I wanted it more than once a month I was called a sex addict. Eventually I just stopped caring and stopped initiating. After so much rejection I just completely lost interest.
yeah, exactly the same but mine ended badly. She started a fight. I was drunk and high went the police got me arrested restraining order took my house to my kid sign that she was seeing somebody with him two weeks of me being out then moved out and moved in with this guy says she’s happy didn’t realise about this and the same thing every time we argue you tried to turn it to sex or I wanted to get away from her for a few years even though we had a kid that’s what hurts me the most and have a great night sex and kind againand she said that she was in a abusive relationship and our relationship only started off with sex and she was there all the time coming. She seems to be doing it to the next person.
Oh man have you 100% described my wife. She weaponizes anything and everything she can, especially sex. Funny how when you no longer give a damn how mad she gets when it doesn't work.
I ask you. What are you doing saying "my wife" to this entity disguised as a woman? They are demonic beings, destroyers of worlds and souls. Lift up your cassock, my son, and RUN! This very night. Run with all your strength, and don't look back.
I ask you. What are you doing saying "my wife" to this entity disguised as a woman? They are demonic beings, destroyers of worlds and souls. Lift up your cassock, my son, and RUN! This very night. Run with all your strength, and don't look back.
Force her to leave you. Take away her percieved ability to hurt you one thing at a time. Eventually leaving you is the last and only thing she thinks she can do to cause you suffering.
Nailed it! It's been several years since I left the narcissist that was in my life and she's long gone. However, I still ruminate from time to time. Going through that right now
@LiseLeblanc Agreed, thank you! It's one thing to recgonize the behavior but so much harder to understand what a normal response should be when that's all you know or have experienced for so long. I really appreciate the way you described everything.
She withdrew the intimacy before we even lived together. She put it all on me saying it was my fault if she wasn't in the mood. She put pressure on me to move in with her, id say how can I live with someone who won't even touch me. She'd say well maybe things will change if we live together. I so wish I'd walked away instead of chasing that affection for years and years. That was by far the most addictive damaging part for me.
I remember I wanted to kiss my partner and she told me she would only kiss me if I get her a drink of water which I did and she still didn’t even kiss me and just went to bed ☠️
Before I even watch. Nr 1 for "my" covert narc ex was WITHOLD, even she tell me that usually her libido is high. So they can sacriface their pleasure to manipulate, controll and frustrate their partner.
This just scares there hell out of me. Basically every woman I’ve been with does this same thing. I guess I’m the problem? 🤷🏼♂️. I don’t see how relationships are even worth it at all
It's a dark secret that many, many women operate this way. I think it would be shocking if we truly knew the extent of this type of behavior. They say it's 5% of women but i'll bet it's much higher.
You may be. Don't blame yourself though. Work on understanding yourself and how to heal long standing traumas so that you can choose healthier relationships.
This is good and helpful information and wow, it’s clear that these things were going on in my past marriage. It’s like I was getting smaller and smaller scraps and would have to jump through more hoops and hear more and more excuses and complaints. I suppose divorce was inevitable. It is a cruel way to treat a man who has chosen to spend his life with you who supports you and gives you food house clothes vacations, whatever and yet you only give him your tiniest scraps and hold it over his head.
I'll never forget the time she said "Can you make it a quickie, I've got sh@t to do", and turn her head to the side and looked away like she always did 😢.
My ex narc said she only had sex with me to " comply" so I won't be tempted to cheat. Then had to audacity to tell me its a turn off that I was thin and athletic. ( She never complained about that when we met) Talk about hearing a degrading comments. The comparisons are hurtful too. She would make comparisons about her ex husband and her baby daddy. She would need a rating from 1-50 how good the sex was to boost her ego.
I am sorry to say this but these manipulative games are played by women in general to a degree. I am 40 and I had time to understand how women manipulate you through sex, tears, distorting memories, shaming and push/pulls. These mechanisms are instinctual for them. It's not just "narcissist's".
Not everyone is like that, it's hard to say that and I'm sure hard to believe it.. but not everyone is manipulative or abusive. I was with a narcissist partner (male) for a long time myself so maybe it's helped me better understand that sort of treatment and behavior. I can absolutely recgonize it more easily after getting out of that situation, but it hurts so much to see others get sucked in.. women and men alike. These people are so damn slick about how they operate, it's sad and disturbing. I hope you're able to find someone who can be good to you, everyone deserves that much.. except maybe the type of narcissists this video describes. They should just be alone forever so they can't cause more harm to everyone around them.
I am 42 and was told a couple years ago by my father that all women were like this. I was confiding in him about how I was being mistreated, disrespected, and abused. He responded with one of his many typical and codependent responses like…”no relationship is perfect” and “everyone makes mistakes”. Later and through education I learned that my grandmother was a covert narcissist and my grandfather was a codependent enabler…my mom a covert narcissist and my dad codependent enabler…my wife a covert narcissist and I was the codependent enabler…my FIL the overt narcissist and MIL codependent enabler. See the pattern? To my dad, ALL women were like this because that was his normal and all he knew. And in turn made it my normal too.
The tactics that these people use are evil . They ring so true to me and my experience . The mental pain is/has been so much more painful than physical pain and takes so much longer to get over . Please watch these videos. They are straight to the point and spot on .
10:43 - 11:08 ... I had over 20 years of that rhetoric. I was even told that I am a covert narcissist and that I can't take fault. Yet, when I tried to talk, she would shut me down every time. However, when she wanted to talk, she would go on and on and on and get offended when I wanted her to stop. 💯% Lise. Thank you for another great video! I divorced this year and am loving every minute of it!
Best thing to do when you are with a covert narcissist is to simply… Cheat! Creep with the cute next door neighbor, creep with a co-worker that likes you, creep with a lady you meet at the store. You’ll feel better at the end of the relationship that you did compared to if you didn’t.
Ask them to do something for you. Something small. Something you would do for them with no hesitation. If they are narcissistic or otherwise toxic, it will ALWAYS go at least 1 of 4 ways (though sometimes these reactions may compound): They will act as though they didn’t hear you. Depending on how long you’ve been in the relationship, you may ask again. If it’s been long enough, you’re likely to drop the request right then and there. They will promise to do it, but never follow through. If you ask again or remind them, they will usually have some kind of excuse. In these cases, they will still never actually fulfill their promise. Their excuse is not a reason for lagging, it is the reason they should be absolved from all expectation whatsoever. Often this excuse will be meaningless or an outright lie.If you don’t buy their excuse, and tell them so, you will experience the wonderful segue into reaction. An argument will ensue The argument will be your fault. It could be a small back and forth contending against your request, or it might quickly devolve into them screaming at you. You never know which it will be. They might even say outright that you should never ask or expect anything from them. Usually they will express that you are asking too much, hurting them in some way (financially, emotionally, insulting them, etc), or attack your character. The argument will only end when you relinquish your request + apologize, or start ignoring them completely. If you can ignore them long enough, they may apologize to you. However, the conflict will never feel truly resolved. At this juncture they may actually end up giving you what you asked for. Often this does require you admitting that you don’t really need it, or that you would be fine with what they suggested instead. This leads us to reaction They give you what you asked for, BUT There is ALWAYS a catch. It might be small. They show up late with no apology. They buy you what you wanted, but it’s the wrong color, model, brand, etc. They take you where you wanted to go, but pressure you the whole time you’re getting ready because you’re going to be sooo late. Then they want to leave early anyway. It might be worse. They do it out of anger, and make a big display out of it to scare/hurt you. They hold it over your head until you do something for them first. Or, later on, they use it against you. “I did x for you, so you should do y for me.” No matter what, you never actually feel fulfilled, happy, or loved when they do something for you. Somehow, even from the getgo, there was this deep-seated feeling of guilt and fear, this sense that the “special” things they were doing for you weren’t so special at all. Eventually, you become afraid to ask for anything. You’ve been conditioned to believe you deserve nothing. Ironically, or not, the less demands you make, the worse you will be treated. Moreover, Catching a cheating spouse might be difficult, and knowing what local laws say you can and cannot do might be even more difficult. To simplify the process, consider hiring a private investigator to do the sleuthing for you I genuinely appreciate how incredible you are and your work! Thank you for a job well done digitalinvestigate@gmail. com
In my healing after nearly 40 years with a narcissist, I just in the past week started exploring intimacy and sexual issues in a more structured way toward healing from them. This was because my counselor recently labeled the totality of body and performance shaming, sexual refusal, and devaluation from my ex-wife as "sexual abuse." My ex-wife was my first and only partner, so I believed nearly everything that she relayed to me. As I worked on categorizing my journaling over the weekend, I documented multiple incidents in nearly every one of these ten items. Can you record a video on how you heal from a situation such as the one you described? You suggest going to someone who specializes in sexual abuse recovery, but what types of modalities / treatments might they employ?
I'm 27 years in, she is my only partner. I met her when I was 18, she was 16. It's all I know. I have genuinely no idea whether I have ever had normal making love! I am sticking it out for the kids, but deep down I would love to know how a "normal" person would behave, react, respond to me intimately. I only discovered the term female covert narcissist 5 months ago. Past 27 years of confusion, pain, anxiety, trauma, depression, all explained overnight.
@@jakestown1952 I hurt for you. Truly. I completely understand the situation you describe. I have only found out in the time since exiting my marriage earlier this year, that I had never made love before. It's night and day the difference. It's not about sex, though. It's about protecting yourself from abuse. Seriously, listening to this video today, I realized that EVERYTHING in interactions with my wife conformed to a narcissistic script. I had no idea, though. It took outside parties, whether it was an emergency room nurse, an assessment in a book, my counselor, or videos like this one for me to realize that I was being victimized. Abuse happens to men. I have a blog that I'm writing (under another name . . . so much for that now!) on Medium about my discoveries. It's intended, primarily, for men who are in abusive relationships because there are so few resources for us. It's at: medium.com/@BernardMichaels. If any of it seems familiar, trust me, you are in an abusive relationship and need to protect yourself. Please . . . protect yourself.
I am in the process of leaving a 40 year marriage with a man who does all these tactics. It just about broke me. About 5 years ago I started to wake up to the schemes he was running ( although it may be all subconscious for him). I realized I needed to heal myself before leaving because I was soooo broken from the emotional abuse and neglect and I needed to disentangle our business relationship. I am one year away from the end. You may want to look at the relationship outside the sexual sphere and you will likely find other ways her narcissism was expressed. It’s a hellish way to live and I am so glad there is now so much information out here to help educate us that have been under “the spell” of these people.
@@lesw3803 Good for you that you are nearing the ability to make the break. Relative to looking outside of the sexual sphere, I started that 12 years ago. That's when I "discovered" that my marriage was abusive when my wife yelled at me in an ER and the nurse asked me whether I needed to leave for my safety. Before that, I knew it was bizarre, but just thought that I had to deal with it and try to fix things. It took me from 2012 to 2021 when I discovered the Walking on Eggshells book. It provided the clue that I was dealing with an NPD and BPD combo. Finally, I had a model that fit to explain what had been happening in my life. This piece on the sexual abuse is a last piece of the puzzle fitting. I shouldn't be shocked by it. Everything that she does is shaped by her personality disorder.
What about talking about being intimate to tease you sexually and then when you bring it up they act like they didn't say nothing? I stayed friends with my ex and she used to do this with me. I had to cut her off because I felt like that was a sick game to play.
Wow this is spot on all they do is use and abuse constantly low blow comments push pull and always in their phone once they get to the point they think they have all you can give them they discard you exactly what I'm going through with my wife of 18yrs now comes the divorce and in her mind it's all my fault but she left all the responsibility of owning a home and having children on me no financial help whatsoever just wanted everything from me and is trying to absolutely trying to destroy me atm I wish this on no man fellas watch who you fall in love with
So that was why she acted like a fucking c*nt every damn day for a decade. She was a Personality Disordered Lunatic. Men, eject within 3 seconds soon as you observe their malignant behavior from 100 feet away. Female piranha are never worth it.
That's exactly what she did. Anytime I tried to bring it up/discuss things, it was just dismissed, or blamed on me... meanwhile she was busy with her"guy friends" when I wasn't around.
I tried reconciling with an ex after her husband killed himself due to her infidelity. For some reason I was still in love w her badly. I had a trauma bond with her. As soon as I told her what she meant to me, instead of reciprocating she rejected me hard and did everything to make me feel crazy and ashamed. She would never show me affection or make me feel appreciated. It felt like she didn’t want to give up any control or power by letting me know she had feelings for me. It was absolute hell and it ended badly again. There is no middle ground w her. Totally heartbreaking.
Wow. Didn’t see #1 but the rest... Finally constant rejection led to acceptance and recognition that solo provides all the benefit without the effort, drama or manipulation. Have not and will not ask for it again.
My ex wife used this tactic on a mind blowing scale. Every few years she would display a sexual move on a pornographic scale in our bedroom once, and only once. Then never repeat the act, which drove me crazy. She was brutal, period.
Then there's this hurtful line "If all you want me for is sex, go get a prostitute." They also go out of their way to make sex impossible. Keep young kids in your bed. Go to bed way earlier or way later than you. Stay overnight with friends and family on weekends.
I'm not sure if this is a narcissist trait but what if they can't handle surprises. Just a few examples, 1. I bought her a wedding ring that she loved but I didn't tell her I got it because I wanted it to be a surprise on our wedding day. She harassed me almost every day because she thought she wasn't going to get it. Then almost ended the wedding over it. 2. She always has to snoop on people because she needs to know what everyone else is doing. Whenever she could she would look at my cellphone. She needed to know who I talked to and I was saying. She would mainly do this when I was sleeping or away from my phone. But I had nothing to hide so I didn't make a big deal about it and never told her that I knew what she was doing. But then she started to do the same with my mother's cellphone and then our marriage went all downhill from there. She said my mom was negatively texting about her and she wouldn't be part of anything family related on my side of the family. Which in her eyes meant I had to only have family functions from her side of the family and if I didn't I wasn't being a good husband. 3. My wife said that she always wanted to have two kids (one boy and one girl). I wanted kids too but I didn't stress about how many or what type, so I didn't made a big deal about her dream (which was very unpredictable). We had are daughter and she started to stress about having the next one right away. We had a lot going on in our lives and things weren't going in a good direction (do to the thing she pulled with my mother's cellphone). Just before Thanksgiving my wife tells me that she doesn't love me anymore and I'm not welcomed to her family's functions. Then just before Christmas she tells me that she still needs me to make one more kid. She told me that I also needed to get her pregnant before it so we can reveal it at Christmas. I thought that she had gone completely crazy and I didn't go down that road. 4. This one is not in order because I feel it was my fault (I should have ended the marriage right here). After getting married my wife wanted to have a kid right away. I told her how being on birth control for ever [we're both in our 30's but I am older] will probably prolong things and it won't happen right away. So after trying for 3 months straight. One day she came home from her summer job demanding me to stop working on the house and I need to get her pregnant right now or else [she wasn't even joking]. I stopped doing what I was doing to try to talk to her. She told me that she going to leave me if I don't get pregnant right now and doesn't think I am able to because I'm to old. We end doing it but while I was getting overwhelmed by a strong smell coming from her. When I finished I went to take my hand off her lower back. I noticed a tackiness feeling and knew it wasn't sweat. I confronted her right away about it and she didn't try to lie. She explained in as much vivid detail that she could about how she just had sex and she's been having an affair with a coworker over the summer. She also tells me that she had the affair because he's younger than me and he's more likely going to get her pregnant. He is also married with kids and she believes he will leave his wife to be her. I felt like I wanted to die and I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I didn't know what to do because I gave up everything to give her everything that she wanted (which became much more than I could handle on my own). She became the bread winner and I became a servant. I ended up staying with her and I thought we needed to try (because to me marriage wasn't a joke and I thought I needed to stick it out). Then I found out that she ended up getting pregnant that day and I knew I wouldn't give up on my daughter from having a good family life. Now, We're going through divorce and I feel like I'm getting screwed. She's been playing up the poor me card and trying to show herself as the main parent that needs to call all the shots. Plus, she's a teacher with a psychology degree and is trying to claim that I'm the unreliable unfit parent. I might make a lot less money but I put all of my time and effort into raising my daughter. Not sure what I should do but I've been expressing over and over to my lawyer that we need to evenly split our time. I tell him that I want a 2-2-3 schedule and I don't want to have interactions with my ex-wife because I feel like she is constantly trying to gas light me. He doesn't know what I've been through with her and it doesn't seem like he wants to know. So when we talk about the negotiations he keeps telling me that she's the mother and one day we will put are differences to the side and be nice to one an other. I'm usually optimistic but this I don't feel is a healthy situation.
All 100% correct. My ex demanded she got first go, i literally always came second and if i was 'taking too long' she would tell me to 'just get on with it'....not very romantic or encouraging. So glad to be away from the selfish erse hole
It’s difficult to separate this from how a female dismissive avoidant behaves in a relationship. I experience some of this but I wasn’t with her long enough to see if she’s a DA or a narc.
Yep. You nailed it. But it's NOT possible for her to damage my self-worth. I just don't suffer at all from insecurity. It's NOT arrogance if you can do it. If I want sex and she doesn't provide, I'll just go get it somewhere else. That's never been difficult. We have a long and complicated relationship with lots of good things but if I get tired or down and display any weakness at all it's like a trigger to attack. I have a powerful mission in life and several business interests that keep me focused and busy, and I generate my own self-worth. But I've just had to come to grips with the fact that women just can't provide the kind of intimate relationship I had my heart set on and that she mirrored so very wonderfully. Thats two in a row, tossed the first one. This one has more value. I'm not gay and can't do that kind of intimacy with a man, so it's just another of life's many many disappointments. I think we do live in a hologram and it's a school, likely summer school for the slow kids, and we all have painful lessons to catch up on. The information is great though. Until recently, I didn't have a name or a structure for it. Now I have a way to strategize around it. Thanks.
Another thing my ex used to do all the time ontop of everything else, would over sensualize everything like i couldn't speak about anything without her turning it sexual somehow. Made me feel like nothing i ever talked about mattered.
I noticed my ex would never take his shirt or underwear/pants off completely when we were intimate ~ we were talking one day and everything he said about her i knew right away what she was. My mother is one also and the things he described in how she is w rheir daughter is just like ny childhood to a T
when my ex tried the withholding sex i walked, we had no children so the marriage was crap anyway so i said bye, best to be single today and get hookers if you need to, cheaper in the long run.or go on dating sites where females only want hook ups for a night.
Wow. All of these. My ex sex bombed, was overly demanding when I wasn't interested, insisted on painful or degrading or micromanaged sex only on her terms, complained about everything, belittled male sexuality as either evil or childish, withdrew all sex for 3 years saying she couldn't then I found her with abother man, who she claims to have also done the same thing to. When I moved on, she hoovered me back with sex for one night then stopped even kissing once I had broken up with my new partner. And she refused to leave hers. Now we are trying to be friends as she's seriously ill but still she's with at least one other guy and sabotages my attempts to move on.
I’m honestly so scared because most of these have happened to me and my partner always has a quick way of explaining “her side” or why I’m not perceiving it the correct way. Like she knows so much and I know so little. It’s awful Question, are some women just like this and they’ll try these tactics on anyone they’re in a relationship with while others would never even think about manipulating their partner? Or does everyone have the capacity to do this and just need to feel out whether they’ll get away with it?
It definitely isn't all women, watching this hurt me so much knowing someone I care about has gone through this. I can't imagine manipulating a partner this way. I've dealt with narcissist abuse myself too though, with a male partner, so I might have a better understanding than some people/women.
Going thro this in my marriage like everything you have just talked about. How do I come in control and make her feel or go through what am going through or what's the best advice
I advise you not to try to get revenge. Just be prepared to distance yourself. Emotionally and physically. The first will be difficult for you, because somehow they manage to make a part of themselves have a permanent income in your mind, even if it is only through trauma and adaptive behaviors that they urge you to perform through training. They are hopeless and cannot be cured by any means. If you have children with this person, you can only instruct them with great patience in this regard for their own good. It is very difficult to open your eyes, even for those of us who have studied this for a long time and identified the subject, only constant study allows you to detect day by day, the direct events in which you were manipulated, the dialogues, actions, implications and derivatives that you thought impossible that had to do with their perverse actions. And you could even discover that it was not even the hidden type, but the malignant or perverse type. In that case, the type of action should be very different from the mere use of the grey stone or no contact, since they have no limits. Perhaps even using strategies that suffocate her, such as acting hyper-needy, demanding love, jealously controlling, acting as if she were wonderful and that you cannot live without her. Saturating her with love messages, asking her what she does every hour, watching her on the phone, making her a scene of jealousy and paranoia of infidelity, a bombardment of love multiplied by a thousand, until making her feel that she must flee from you because of suffocation. In this way, you will avoid revenge and returns, since she herself will leave you for being intensely demanding, they do not tolerate such a burden of need. This usually works for Malignant Narcissists.
She loved XYZ and it was the only thing that really turned her on, then she would shame me for it and tell me she didn't like it and liked ABC, yet ABC never worked and XYZ always worked.
I actually cut off sex and told him, if you can’t make the decision to get off the phone looking at explicit content.. and everyone else he was always giving too .. work on his “stuff”.. I would not have sexual relations.. well, apparently that’s a huge deal.. and of course it will cause separation.. but, I have to protect myself.. not to mention all the other multiple situations that took place.. glad I can get back to me.. better to be on my own than in bad company or relationships. There’s always a something to learn. I just want to believe that I everything happens for a reason and I know that it is leading to better things. I believe he is stuck in his toxic feminine side.. and wants a strong woman in his life, like the Madonna/ hoar complex.. not for me..
My relationship with my ex started with a fun connection, but in my eyes: too fast. Never had I a girlfriend, and never ever had I sex. Second time we tried, I did it wrong and she kicked me off her and landed Almost on the floor. She ran away to the bathroom with the door closed, came back but did if it was nothing. I cried so hard by my friends, i told then what happend, and ask: how can it be that im so anxious and get panic attacks at her place. If I was in public she showed me a fun side, but at her place I got to see a different person. Update: After 1,5 year no contact, after her evil discard with no clossure. I start to heal little by little. Stay strong Everyone ❤
I went through this exact thing with my ex wife. It was horrible. She even got to the point that she charged me for sex. If I didnt pay her, she would not put out. I felt horrible.
LETS BE CLEAR TO BOTH SIDES …..SEX IS NOT = LOVE …..and people have different views on this topic …I do not equate sex with love …..love for me looks like FRIENDSHIP ONLY .
@liseleblanc You and other therapists mostly speak about woman as a narcissist, but what is the number of man and how different is their behaviour as a narcissist compared to woman?
What if they never make up for the rejection? Plans never happen ( unless it's what she wants solely ), like and I quote ( On a daily basis ) "I'm sleepy, I just want to sleep" but also said she likes wake up sex. Generally ends up her masturbating, having me help her, but then she's just " so tired " but promises in the morning... Then doesn't wake me up until it's too late before work, because " she didn't want to be rude " which I've already said isn't rude. It doesn't happen I end up having to use ol' righty alllll the time and using porn.
Ay covert narcissist reading this shoukd know that i am very vulnerable and will absolutely by under your control after you love-bimb me with shrex. Please don't do it.🙏
I’m married. When we had sex she didn’t like me touching her body…. Interestingly prior women were delighted with me touching their bodies. She told me not to touch her (not sexually but in general) several years ago and I have not from that day forward. We haven’t had sex in over seven years and I can assure you I shall never have sex with her again…. ever.
I'm worried that I may be at the start of a relationship with one. I've been with her for 4 months, and she is love bombing me like nobody else ever has. I'm getting sex all the time! But the downsides to her is that she's super insecure and I can feel her slowly trying to control me. She wants to know where I am at all times, believes I'm texting other women all the time when I'm not. She gets really annoyed if I don't message her back within a short time frame. I stay at her house maybe 10 nights of the month, and the other morning I came downstairs in the early hours to use the toilet and got a snack. She came down, and I saw a really nasty side to her. She shouted at me for eating so late at night and accused me of going out of the bedroom to message other women. The next morning she apologised. I said I accept the apology, but let her know that I feel like she's trying to control me. With that she started crying, saying she's insecure and can't help it. I feel like I'm constantly having to prove I'm not cheating. The other thing is that I don't pay her enough compliments apparently, even though I believe I do. She came to support me in a half marathon the other day and waited for me at the finishing line, which I thought was really nice. She congratulated me at the end, but within a minute she wanted to know who was the woman that I crossed the finishing line with, because she saw us running next to each other for the last 300 metres or so. I thought she was joking, but she really wasn't. It was almost comical to me. Of course I had no idea who this woman was 😆. There's quite a lot of weird stories I've got, but I won't go on forever. I know she cheated on her last long term partner. She said, she made a mistake and will never do it again. She keeps telling me this, even though I've never even brought it up to her after she first told me about it. I told her that I don't need the reassurance.
Tough to keep an insecure person feeling secure long-term. Hope it works out for you but it kinda sounds like it’s too passionate and invasive up front to realistically maintain.
The intimacy is the only good thing(glue) in your relationship and is being used to manipulate you . Get out NOW before she Mind F#@&s you. She was broken before you met her and you cannot help her. Save yourself!
I can relate. My ex wouldn't let me leave the room to get a glass of water. The first time it happened She asked" where are you going"?. I said downstairs to get water. She said just wait until I dry my hair and get dressed. This would happen constantly. It was her form of control. Another issue she had was "germs". She wouldn't let me touch the doorknob or leave without her consent. She had to use a paper towel to turn the knob to let me out. Another thing, she would drive everywhere to have a sense of control but later complain about the miles she puts on her car or how I never offer. ( not true ) She would offer to make me dinner & tell me to sit and keep her company in the kitchen but later complain how I didn't offer to help cook and how I sat there. I offered to clean the dishes and she tells me to relax but then later complains I don't offer to clean up. She later mentions her experiences on how her marriage fell apart because her ex husband didn't help her with anything. After sex she wanted a rating 1-50, if I said it was a 50 she would pout and say " Not a 60"?? If I said 60, then why not a 70? She says she hates her son's dad but tells me I'm the one that creates all the tension in their comparenting duties. Or, she hangs out with him and her son and tells me she had a good friendship with him before I was in the picture.
I was trying to be in love she was trying to be in control
I know the feeling
Worst feeling
@@andber yes especially working hard coming home and feeling rejected I have to say this made me not even care about paying rent etc. I was a prisoner in my own home never again though
Me and you must have been dating the same girl.😮
Most follow their programming. I've talked to girls, and maybe 10% are self aware enough to hold back, and fewer choose to.
The way to protect yourself from a narcissist is to take away your attention from them. It will destroy a lot of their game-playing and manipulative tactics. I believe the proper term is grey rock. No explaining, No complaining, and No fussing. Behave as though you don't care about their toxicity. Behave as though you don't care about any of their bad behavior. Not only that, but choose not to speak to them for long periods of time. Do that when they are behaving badly.
Why would you do all of this? You don't want to give them narcissistic supply. Sometimes, narcissists may do certain things to get you to complain, explain yourself, or whatever else.
Unfortunately, I have to do this with my mother sometimes. (Not give her ammo)
But my wife is awesome! (Over 20 yrs)
It's uncanny! You may as well have observed our entire sex life. This description is amazing.
If someone had a cut on their finger, a dr could explain the entire process that would follow. That's easy for me to understand.
The fact that a personality disorder would follow a pattern so precisely must seem obvious to you, but to me, this is a revelation.
It is nice to know she understands the patterns of this disorder. It comes as a great relief to know there is help out there
I couldn't believe either how she could do a general video on behaviors and have it fit my married life so perfectly. Wild.
1. Love and sex bombing.
2. Withdrawal of sexual intimacy.
3. Criticism.
4. Rejection.
5. Breaching boundaries and sexual coercion.
6. Completely indifferent and detached from you sexual needs and preferences.
7. Guilty and shame.
8. Using your vulnerabilities against you.
9. Comparisons.
10. Cheating.
Check, yep, check, err check....😮
Wow!!! This video hit the my ex to the T (yes, I finally let go and said goodbye and it has been 7 months now without getting sucked back in)!! I always knew what was going on, even had proof for so many years. She has me so psychologically damaged that I kept allowing it. She did the EXACT same thing to her ex husband before me as well. I almost took my life, even tried but was unsuccessful:(. Her videos literally saved my life! Thank you thank you thank you!!!! I am still getting help from a therapist and he even explained that I will need the therapy for decades as what she did to me was the worst case he had ever heard of. I am sticking with Therapy for my son's sake and have finally found happiness again!!!
@@michaeldavis6999 I'm sorry that happened but glad you're getting help.
@michaeld👊👊avis6999
1,2,3,4,6 seem like milestones in majority of relationships, even though the timeliness can be anything from days to decades. The others seem like more specific traits. The question for me is how much is conscious and meanspirited and how much is subconscious powerplay
100% on point. This is exactly my ex wife, and exactly the stages we went through. It's scary, painful and destructive to healthy relations.
OMG, I’m having Flashbacks. Sex with my Narcissist ex-wife was everything you mentioned here. When I tried to discuss our lack intimacy with her, in our sexless marriage, I was met with a very abrupt “if you want it that badly, then you should go and pay for it”. This was the end for me after 26 years together. These people are broken. You can’t help/fix them. Get out/away and save yourself.
Yep she tried to shame me and say that I was addicted to sex. I be gone weekly as a truck driver did not add up
26 years here before divorce too, Mark! It takes a lot time sometimes. I have children that I had to protect, so I stayed until the children could make qualified decisions for themselves. Other than that, I would have been gone much earlier, but the illness is progressive. It got worse as time went on. We had a lot of good times. It just got progressively worse and worse and worse. I think it has to do with running out of places to hide as well as hardness of heart in an unwillingness to look introspectively while constantly looking on the outside for someone to be at fault. It is an illness. I think it is curable, but the spouse, in the script, can not be the counselor. The spouse must be the perpetrator who is written into the script as being faulted as the perpetual perpetrator and the lesser perpetual hero. So the perpetrator can try until he dies, but he will never be more of a hero than he is of a zero. It is in the script. It can't be any other way. Someone must always be at fault for why she does what she does. It is in the script!
@@pharxahghxst3654 I got that same response because I wanted it more than once a month I was called a sex addict. Eventually I just stopped caring and stopped initiating. After so much rejection I just completely lost interest.
yeah, exactly the same but mine ended badly. She started a fight. I was drunk and high went the police got me arrested restraining order took my house to my kid sign that she was seeing somebody with him two weeks of me being out then moved out and moved in with this guy says she’s happy didn’t realise about this and the same thing every time we argue you tried to turn it to sex or I wanted to get away from her for a few years even though we had a kid that’s what hurts me the most and have a great night sex and kind againand she said that she was in a abusive relationship and our relationship only started off with sex and she was there all the time coming. She seems to be doing it to the next person.
@@MarkGraham-z2p i went through it too 5 yr marriage i saw the signs but refused to walk away i finally did it
Thank you, Lisa. I use your information to help me understand my past relationships, and try to understand how to move forward in heathy ways.
Oh man have you 100% described my wife. She weaponizes anything and everything she can, especially sex. Funny how when you no longer give a damn how mad she gets when it doesn't work.
I ask you. What are you doing saying "my wife" to this entity disguised as a woman? They are demonic beings, destroyers of worlds and souls. Lift up your cassock, my son, and RUN! This very night. Run with all your strength, and don't look back.
I ask you. What are you doing saying "my wife" to this entity disguised as a woman? They are demonic beings, destroyers of worlds and souls. Lift up your cassock, my son, and RUN! This very night. Run with all your strength, and don't look back.
Force her to leave you. Take away her percieved ability to hurt you one thing at a time. Eventually leaving you is the last and only thing she thinks she can do to cause you suffering.
So accurate this is mind blowing 🤯
Nailed it! It's been several years since I left the narcissist that was in my life and she's long gone. However, I still ruminate from time to time. Going through that right now
Thank you for helping me understand that I'm not crazy...... I have experienced all of these points in a recent "relationship."
Wow thank you so much for the healthy examples that is so helpful in my opinion to have a clear understanding of good and toxic behavior!
Thank you for your positive feedback! It is truly appreciated
@LiseLeblanc Agreed, thank you! It's one thing to recgonize the behavior but so much harder to understand what a normal response should be when that's all you know or have experienced for so long. I really appreciate the way you described everything.
She withdrew the intimacy before we even lived together. She put it all on me saying it was my fault if she wasn't in the mood. She put pressure on me to move in with her, id say how can I live with someone who won't even touch me. She'd say well maybe things will change if we live together. I so wish I'd walked away instead of chasing that affection for years and years. That was by far the most addictive damaging part for me.
We've all done some sh*t like that. The shame is in doing it more than once. We're all conditioned to believe women are sUgAr AnD sPiCe.
I so wish I'd walk away instead of chasing that affection for years and tears.
I wish the best for you
@andber thank you.
I remember I wanted to kiss my partner and she told me she would only kiss me if I get her a drink of water which I did and she still didn’t even kiss me and just went to bed ☠️
@@JR-bi6lg that's just sick. Leave her
Always 100 per cent accurate! Lise… very profound.
Before I even watch. Nr 1 for "my" covert narc ex was WITHOLD, even she tell me that usually her libido is high. So they can sacriface their pleasure to manipulate, controll and frustrate their partner.
100%. They get off far more on power and control than an orgasm.
SPOT ON!!!!!! ALL 10.
Excellent work Lise
She made me not want to have sex....ever
This just scares there hell out of me. Basically every woman I’ve been with does this same thing. I guess I’m the problem? 🤷🏼♂️. I don’t see how relationships are even worth it at all
It's a dark secret that many, many women operate this way. I think it would be shocking if we truly knew the extent of this type of behavior. They say it's 5% of women but i'll bet it's much higher.
It really helped me to heal and move forward to look at what in me that drew me to narcissists.
@ good call out, and I agree. It’s on the list of things with my therapist 🤣
Stop. Assuming. Women. Are. Magical.
You may be. Don't blame yourself though. Work on understanding yourself and how to heal long standing traumas so that you can choose healthier relationships.
thanks Lisa! my roommate is in one of these and she has him reeled in and creating drama that doesn't need to be there... sad.... and he was warned!
Lise, thank you so much for these. You are so on point, nail on the head.
This is good and helpful information and wow, it’s clear that these things were going on in my past marriage. It’s like I was getting smaller and smaller scraps and would have to jump through more hoops and hear more and more excuses and complaints.
I suppose divorce was inevitable. It is a cruel way to treat a man who has chosen to spend his life with you who supports you and gives you food house clothes vacations, whatever and yet you only give him your tiniest scraps and hold it over his head.
Great video. Thank you for this, I hope it helps people before they get into a bad spot.
I'll never forget the time she said "Can you make it a quickie, I've got sh@t to do", and turn her head to the side and looked away like she always did 😢.
Same here bro, that cut me so deep. I will NEVER forget that moment. Time slowed down..
Lmfao 😂😂😂
My ex narc said she only had sex with me to " comply" so I won't be tempted to cheat. Then had to audacity to tell me its a turn off that I was thin and athletic. ( She never complained about that when we met) Talk about hearing a degrading comments. The comparisons are hurtful too. She would make comparisons about her ex husband and her baby daddy. She would need a rating from 1-50 how good the sex was to boost her ego.
My ex was incredibly rare. I'd never met a woman who had experienced so many d*cks that were bigger than mine.
Thanks for knowledge....
Married 20 years with such a person. you describe it sooo accurately 👍
I am sorry to say this but these manipulative games are played by women in general to a degree. I am 40 and I had time to understand how women manipulate you through sex, tears, distorting memories, shaming and push/pulls. These mechanisms are instinctual for them. It's not just "narcissist's".
The science says 5% of women are narcs. In my opinion it is much. much more than that. This is standard operating for a lot of women.
Exactly this.
At 59, its an unavoidable sad truth.
Not everyone is like that, it's hard to say that and I'm sure hard to believe it.. but not everyone is manipulative or abusive. I was with a narcissist partner (male) for a long time myself so maybe it's helped me better understand that sort of treatment and behavior. I can absolutely recgonize it more easily after getting out of that situation, but it hurts so much to see others get sucked in.. women and men alike. These people are so damn slick about how they operate, it's sad and disturbing.
I hope you're able to find someone who can be good to you, everyone deserves that much.. except maybe the type of narcissists this video describes. They should just be alone forever so they can't cause more harm to everyone around them.
I am 42 and was told a couple years ago by my father that all women were like this. I was confiding in him about how I was being mistreated, disrespected, and abused. He responded with one of his many typical and codependent responses like…”no relationship is perfect” and “everyone makes mistakes”.
Later and through education I learned that my grandmother was a covert narcissist and my grandfather was a codependent enabler…my mom a covert narcissist and my dad codependent enabler…my wife a covert narcissist and I was the codependent enabler…my FIL the overt narcissist and MIL codependent enabler. See the pattern? To my dad, ALL women were like this because that was his normal and all he knew. And in turn made it my normal too.
This is so much more common than the accepted 5% of female pop.
OHHHHHH MY GOD!!!THIS IS A REAL THING!
The tactics that these people use are evil . They ring so true to me and my experience . The mental pain is/has been so much more painful than physical pain and takes so much longer to get over . Please watch these videos. They are straight to the point and spot on .
this is sick .. you're right on with everything
10:43 - 11:08 ... I had over 20 years of that rhetoric. I was even told that I am a covert narcissist and that I can't take fault. Yet, when I tried to talk, she would shut me down every time. However, when she wanted to talk, she would go on and on and on and get offended when I wanted her to stop. 💯% Lise. Thank you for another great video! I divorced this year and am loving every minute of it!
If the tables were turned and the male persists he find himself up on a charge and goal time without a doubt!!
Matches my experience
Mine too as well
If a w9men refuses to give you what comes after number 5, then dump her right away
Best thing to do when you are with a covert narcissist is to simply… Cheat! Creep with the cute next door neighbor, creep with a co-worker that likes you, creep with a lady you meet at the store. You’ll feel better at the end of the relationship that you did compared to if you didn’t.
Hahaha
Ask them to do something for you. Something small. Something you would do for them with no hesitation. If they are narcissistic or otherwise toxic, it will ALWAYS go at least 1 of 4 ways (though sometimes these reactions may compound): They will act as though they didn’t hear you. Depending on how long you’ve been in the relationship, you may ask again. If it’s been long enough, you’re likely to drop the request right then and there.
They will promise to do it, but never follow through.
If you ask again or remind them, they will usually have some kind of excuse. In these cases, they will still never actually fulfill their promise. Their excuse is not a reason for lagging, it is the reason they should be absolved from all expectation whatsoever. Often this excuse will be meaningless or an outright lie.If you don’t buy their excuse, and tell them so, you will experience the wonderful segue into reaction.
An argument will ensue
The argument will be your fault. It could be a small back and forth contending against your request, or it might quickly devolve into them screaming at you. You never know which it will be. They might even say outright that you should never ask or expect anything from them. Usually they will express that you are asking too much, hurting them in some way (financially, emotionally, insulting them, etc), or attack your character.
The argument will only end when you relinquish your request + apologize, or start ignoring them completely. If you can ignore them long enough, they may apologize to you. However, the conflict will never feel truly resolved.
At this juncture they may actually end up giving you what you asked for. Often this does require you admitting that you don’t really need it, or that you would be fine with what they suggested instead. This leads us to reaction
They give you what you asked for, BUT
There is ALWAYS a catch. It might be small. They show up late with no apology. They buy you what you wanted, but it’s the wrong color, model, brand, etc. They take you where you wanted to go, but pressure you the whole time you’re getting ready because you’re going to be sooo late. Then they want to leave early anyway. It might be worse. They do it out of anger, and make a big display out of it to scare/hurt you. They hold it over your head until you do something for them first. Or, later on, they use it against you. “I did x for you, so you should do y for me.” No matter what, you never actually feel fulfilled, happy, or loved when they do something for you. Somehow, even from the getgo, there was this deep-seated feeling of guilt and fear, this sense that the “special” things they were doing for you weren’t so special at all. Eventually, you become afraid to ask for anything. You’ve been conditioned to believe you deserve nothing. Ironically, or not, the less demands you make, the worse you will be treated. Moreover, Catching a cheating spouse might be difficult, and knowing what local laws say you can and cannot do might be even more difficult. To simplify the process, consider hiring a private investigator to do the sleuthing for you I genuinely appreciate how incredible you are and your work! Thank you for a job well done digitalinvestigate@gmail. com
In my healing after nearly 40 years with a narcissist, I just in the past week started exploring intimacy and sexual issues in a more structured way toward healing from them. This was because my counselor recently labeled the totality of body and performance shaming, sexual refusal, and devaluation from my ex-wife as "sexual abuse." My ex-wife was my first and only partner, so I believed nearly everything that she relayed to me. As I worked on categorizing my journaling over the weekend, I documented multiple incidents in nearly every one of these ten items. Can you record a video on how you heal from a situation such as the one you described? You suggest going to someone who specializes in sexual abuse recovery, but what types of modalities / treatments might they employ?
I'm 27 years in, she is my only partner. I met her when I was 18, she was 16. It's all I know. I have genuinely no idea whether I have ever had normal making love! I am sticking it out for the kids, but deep down I would love to know how a "normal" person would behave, react, respond to me intimately.
I only discovered the term female covert narcissist 5 months ago.
Past 27 years of confusion, pain, anxiety, trauma, depression, all explained overnight.
@@jakestown1952 I hurt for you. Truly. I completely understand the situation you describe. I have only found out in the time since exiting my marriage earlier this year, that I had never made love before. It's night and day the difference. It's not about sex, though. It's about protecting yourself from abuse. Seriously, listening to this video today, I realized that EVERYTHING in interactions with my wife conformed to a narcissistic script. I had no idea, though. It took outside parties, whether it was an emergency room nurse, an assessment in a book, my counselor, or videos like this one for me to realize that I was being victimized. Abuse happens to men. I have a blog that I'm writing (under another name . . . so much for that now!) on Medium about my discoveries. It's intended, primarily, for men who are in abusive relationships because there are so few resources for us. It's at: medium.com/@BernardMichaels. If any of it seems familiar, trust me, you are in an abusive relationship and need to protect yourself. Please . . . protect yourself.
I am in the process of leaving a 40 year marriage with a man who does all these tactics. It just about broke me. About 5 years ago I started to wake up to the schemes he was running ( although it may be all subconscious for him). I realized I needed to heal myself before leaving because I was soooo broken from the emotional abuse and neglect and I needed to disentangle our business relationship. I am one year away from the end. You may want to look at the relationship outside the sexual sphere and you will likely find other ways her narcissism was expressed. It’s a hellish way to live and I am so glad there is now so much information out here to help educate us that have been under “the spell” of these people.
@@lesw3803 Good for you that you are nearing the ability to make the break.
Relative to looking outside of the sexual sphere, I started that 12 years ago. That's when I "discovered" that my marriage was abusive when my wife yelled at me in an ER and the nurse asked me whether I needed to leave for my safety. Before that, I knew it was bizarre, but just thought that I had to deal with it and try to fix things. It took me from 2012 to 2021 when I discovered the Walking on Eggshells book. It provided the clue that I was dealing with an NPD and BPD combo. Finally, I had a model that fit to explain what had been happening in my life. This piece on the sexual abuse is a last piece of the puzzle fitting. I shouldn't be shocked by it. Everything that she does is shaped by her personality disorder.
Wow spot on
What about talking about being intimate to tease you sexually and then when you bring it up they act like they didn't say nothing? I stayed friends with my ex and she used to do this with me. I had to cut her off because I felt like that was a sick game to play.
In Psychology, it's called Blue Ballsing.
Never stay in the “friend zone” always leave completely.
No details from me, but you’re so right.
Wow this is spot on all they do is use and abuse constantly low blow comments push pull and always in their phone once they get to the point they think they have all you can give them they discard you exactly what I'm going through with my wife of 18yrs now comes the divorce and in her mind it's all my fault but she left all the responsibility of owning a home and having children on me no financial help whatsoever just wanted everything from me and is trying to absolutely trying to destroy me atm I wish this on no man fellas watch who you fall in love with
😂😂😂 I’m taking notes 📝 on what to do next!
Home Run for Lise!
So that was why she acted like a fucking c*nt every damn day for a decade. She was a Personality Disordered Lunatic.
Men, eject within 3 seconds soon as you observe their malignant behavior from 100 feet away. Female piranha are never worth it.
I hope the worst for you
You’re Awesome!
Nailed it 100%
That's exactly what she did. Anytime I tried to bring it up/discuss things, it was just dismissed, or blamed on me... meanwhile she was busy with her"guy friends" when I wasn't around.
My covert narcissist employed 6 out of 10 of these tactics, specifically 1, 2, 4, 6, 7, and 8.
I tried reconciling with an ex after her husband killed himself due to her infidelity. For some reason I was still in love w her badly. I had a trauma bond with her. As soon as I told her what she meant to me, instead of reciprocating she rejected me hard and did everything to make me feel crazy and ashamed. She would never show me affection or make me feel appreciated. It felt like she didn’t want to give up any control or power by letting me know she had feelings for me. It was absolute hell and it ended badly again. There is no middle ground w her. Totally heartbreaking.
Wow. Didn’t see #1 but the rest...
Finally constant rejection led to acceptance and recognition that solo provides all the benefit without the effort, drama or manipulation. Have not and will not ask for it again.
Very accurate Lisa ❤❤❤
My ex wife used this tactic on a mind blowing scale. Every few years she would display a sexual move on a pornographic scale in our bedroom once, and only once. Then never repeat the act, which drove me crazy. She was brutal, period.
That #4 is brutal !!!! Dang!!! 😢
Mine alternated between chastising me for not initiating sex enough, and ignoring my attempts at initiating sex.
Then there's this hurtful line
"If all you want me for is sex, go get a prostitute."
They also go out of their way to make sex impossible. Keep young kids in your bed. Go to bed way earlier or way later than you. Stay overnight with friends and family on weekends.
I'm not sure if this is a narcissist trait but what if they can't handle surprises. Just a few examples,
1. I bought her a wedding ring that she loved but I didn't tell her I got it because I wanted it to be a surprise on our wedding day. She harassed me almost every day because she thought she wasn't going to get it. Then almost ended the wedding over it.
2. She always has to snoop on people because she needs to know what everyone else is doing. Whenever she could she would look at my cellphone. She needed to know who I talked to and I was saying. She would mainly do this when I was sleeping or away from my phone. But I had nothing to hide so I didn't make a big deal about it and never told her that I knew what she was doing. But then she started to do the same with my mother's cellphone and then our marriage went all downhill from there. She said my mom was negatively texting about her and she wouldn't be part of anything family related on my side of the family. Which in her eyes meant I had to only have family functions from her side of the family and if I didn't I wasn't being a good husband.
3. My wife said that she always wanted to have two kids (one boy and one girl). I wanted kids too but I didn't stress about how many or what type, so I didn't made a big deal about her dream (which was very unpredictable). We had are daughter and she started to stress about having the next one right away. We had a lot going on in our lives and things weren't going in a good direction (do to the thing she pulled with my mother's cellphone). Just before Thanksgiving my wife tells me that she doesn't love me anymore and I'm not welcomed to her family's functions. Then just before Christmas she tells me that she still needs me to make one more kid. She told me that I also needed to get her pregnant before it so we can reveal it at Christmas. I thought that she had gone completely crazy and I didn't go down that road.
4. This one is not in order because I feel it was my fault (I should have ended the marriage right here). After getting married my wife wanted to have a kid right away. I told her how being on birth control for ever [we're both in our 30's but I am older] will probably prolong things and it won't happen right away. So after trying for 3 months straight. One day she came home from her summer job demanding me to stop working on the house and I need to get her pregnant right now or else [she wasn't even joking]. I stopped doing what I was doing to try to talk to her. She told me that she going to leave me if I don't get pregnant right now and doesn't think I am able to because I'm to old. We end doing it but while I was getting overwhelmed by a strong smell coming from her. When I finished I went to take my hand off her lower back. I noticed a tackiness feeling and knew it wasn't sweat. I confronted her right away about it and she didn't try to lie. She explained in as much vivid detail that she could about how she just had sex and she's been having an affair with a coworker over the summer. She also tells me that she had the affair because he's younger than me and he's more likely going to get her pregnant. He is also married with kids and she believes he will leave his wife to be her. I felt like I wanted to die and I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I didn't know what to do because I gave up everything to give her everything that she wanted (which became much more than I could handle on my own). She became the bread winner and I became a servant. I ended up staying with her and I thought we needed to try (because to me marriage wasn't a joke and I thought I needed to stick it out). Then I found out that she ended up getting pregnant that day and I knew I wouldn't give up on my daughter from having a good family life.
Now, We're going through divorce and I feel like I'm getting screwed. She's been playing up the poor me card and trying to show herself as the main parent that needs to call all the shots. Plus, she's a teacher with a psychology degree and is trying to claim that I'm the unreliable unfit parent. I might make a lot less money but I put all of my time and effort into raising my daughter. Not sure what I should do but I've been expressing over and over to my lawyer that we need to evenly split our time. I tell him that I want a 2-2-3 schedule and I don't want to have interactions with my ex-wife because I feel like she is constantly trying to gas light me. He doesn't know what I've been through with her and it doesn't seem like he wants to know. So when we talk about the negotiations he keeps telling me that she's the mother and one day we will put are differences to the side and be nice to one an other. I'm usually optimistic but this I don't feel is a healthy situation.
All 100% correct. My ex demanded she got first go, i literally always came second and if i was 'taking too long' she would tell me to 'just get on with it'....not very romantic or encouraging. So glad to be away from the selfish erse hole
It really bothers me to know that people in the world like this
ITS AN UGKY FEELING !! GETTING INFORMED WAS HUGE ! THE HAVS NO. EMPATHY
This is exactly what my ex wife would do with her feet. She would actually say that she’s taking them away from me till I behave.
Good video
Thank you!
It’s difficult to separate this from how a female dismissive avoidant behaves in a relationship. I experience some of this but I wasn’t with her long enough to see if she’s a DA or a narc.
Yep. You nailed it. But it's NOT possible for her to damage my self-worth. I just don't suffer at all from insecurity. It's NOT arrogance if you can do it. If I want sex and she doesn't provide, I'll just go get it somewhere else. That's never been difficult. We have a long and complicated relationship with lots of good things but if I get tired or down and display any weakness at all it's like a trigger to attack. I have a powerful mission in life and several business interests that keep me focused and busy, and I generate my own self-worth. But I've just had to come to grips with the fact that women just can't provide the kind of intimate relationship I had my heart set on and that she mirrored so very wonderfully. Thats two in a row, tossed the first one. This one has more value. I'm not gay and can't do that kind of intimacy with a man, so it's just another of life's many many disappointments.
I think we do live in a hologram and it's a school, likely summer school for the slow kids, and we all have painful lessons to catch up on.
The information is great though. Until recently, I didn't have a name or a structure for it. Now I have a way to strategize around it. Thanks.
Another thing my ex used to do all the time ontop of everything else, would over sensualize everything like i couldn't speak about anything without her turning it sexual somehow. Made me feel like nothing i ever talked about mattered.
Never ever ever deal with regular rejection. Once a month is the limit because it ALWAYS gets worse.
I now receive total and complete disregard,
I noticed my ex would never take his shirt or underwear/pants off completely when we were intimate ~ we were talking one day and everything he said about her i knew right away what she was. My mother is one also and the things he described in how she is w rheir daughter is just like ny childhood to a T
Lol @ feeling like a crack addict 😂
my wife did all this. she cheated with many man much younger than her
All of this is 100% true!!
This described my husband 100%
when my ex tried the withholding sex i walked, we had no children so the marriage was crap anyway so i said bye, best to be single today and get hookers if you need to, cheaper in the long
run.or go on dating sites where females only want hook ups for a night.
Can a toxic women have partialy combined aspects of these 10 types that you described?
Thank you very much for your video and for your answer.
my wife is a 100% narcissist
Wow. All of these. My ex sex bombed, was overly demanding when I wasn't interested, insisted on painful or degrading or micromanaged sex only on her terms, complained about everything, belittled male sexuality as either evil or childish, withdrew all sex for 3 years saying she couldn't then I found her with abother man, who she claims to have also done the same thing to. When I moved on, she hoovered me back with sex for one night then stopped even kissing once I had broken up with my new partner. And she refused to leave hers. Now we are trying to be friends as she's seriously ill but still she's with at least one other guy and sabotages my attempts to move on.
I have experienced this from a male 1 to 10 & 10 to 1.
All covert narcissists have this relationship template, male or female or non binary.
I’m honestly so scared because most of these have happened to me and my partner always has a quick way of explaining “her side” or why I’m not perceiving it the correct way. Like she knows so much and I know so little. It’s awful
Question, are some women just like this and they’ll try these tactics on anyone they’re in a relationship with while others would never even think about manipulating their partner? Or does everyone have the capacity to do this and just need to feel out whether they’ll get away with it?
It's the first. There really are good women in the world, but they're very few and far between.
You think most women would try this if they could get away with it or just a small percentage?
It definitely isn't all women, watching this hurt me so much knowing someone I care about has gone through this. I can't imagine manipulating a partner this way. I've dealt with narcissist abuse myself too though, with a male partner, so I might have a better understanding than some people/women.
Going thro this in my marriage like everything you have just talked about.
How do I come in control and make her feel or go through what am going through or what's the best advice
I advise you not to try to get revenge. Just be prepared to distance yourself. Emotionally and physically. The first will be difficult for you, because somehow they manage to make a part of themselves have a permanent income in your mind, even if it is only through trauma and adaptive behaviors that they urge you to perform through training. They are hopeless and cannot be cured by any means. If you have children with this person, you can only instruct them with great patience in this regard for their own good. It is very difficult to open your eyes, even for those of us who have studied this for a long time and identified the subject, only constant study allows you to detect day by day, the direct events in which you were manipulated, the dialogues, actions, implications and derivatives that you thought impossible that had to do with their perverse actions. And you could even discover that it was not even the hidden type, but the malignant or perverse type. In that case, the type of action should be very different from the mere use of the grey stone or no contact, since they have no limits. Perhaps even using strategies that suffocate her, such as acting hyper-needy, demanding love, jealously controlling, acting as if she were wonderful and that you cannot live without her. Saturating her with love messages, asking her what she does every hour, watching her on the phone, making her a scene of jealousy and paranoia of infidelity, a bombardment of love multiplied by a thousand, until making her feel that she must flee from you because of suffocation. In this way, you will avoid revenge and returns, since she herself will leave you for being intensely demanding, they do not tolerate such a burden of need. This usually works for Malignant Narcissists.
She loved XYZ and it was the only thing that really turned her on, then she would shame me for it and tell me she didn't like it and liked ABC, yet ABC never worked and XYZ always worked.
Number 1 sign you are having toxic sex… you aren’t having sex. Or if you are, you were trying to run away!
Bingo
I just went through this to a tee
I actually cut off sex and told him, if you can’t make the decision to get off the phone looking at explicit content.. and everyone else he was always giving too .. work on his “stuff”.. I would not have sexual relations.. well, apparently that’s a huge deal.. and of course it will cause separation.. but, I have to protect myself.. not to mention all the other multiple situations that took place.. glad I can get back to me.. better to be on my own than in bad company or relationships.
There’s always a something to learn. I just want to believe that I everything happens for a reason and I know that it is leading to better things.
I believe he is stuck in his toxic feminine side.. and wants a strong woman in his life, like the Madonna/ hoar complex.. not for me..
I like the list for the young fellows
My relationship with my ex started with a fun connection, but in my eyes: too fast.
Never had I a girlfriend, and never ever had I sex.
Second time we tried, I did it wrong and she kicked me off her and landed Almost on the floor.
She ran away to the bathroom with the door closed, came back but did if it was nothing. I cried so hard by my friends, i told then what happend, and ask: how can it be that im so anxious and get panic attacks at her place.
If I was in public she showed me a fun side, but at her place I got to see a different person.
Update:
After 1,5 year no contact, after her evil discard with no clossure. I start to heal little by little.
Stay strong Everyone ❤
I went through this exact thing with my ex wife. It was horrible. She even got to the point that she charged me for sex. If I didnt pay her, she would not put out. I felt horrible.
Zoloft is a relationship destroyer... Psych meds r a red flag- run!
AFter 2 and a half years of the 6 Months Cutoff, she asked:
iS tHat aLL U tHiNK aBouT?!
#9 and #10 is a 304 moves.. lol
Sounds like All of them...😂 ... and a thousand times more....
Wow. 💯
LETS BE CLEAR TO BOTH SIDES …..SEX IS NOT = LOVE …..and people have different views on this topic …I do not equate sex with love …..love for me looks like FRIENDSHIP ONLY .
@liseleblanc You and other therapists mostly speak about woman as a narcissist, but what is the number of man and how different is their behaviour as a narcissist compared to woman?
Damn this hit hard.🚶♂️
True all of it
What if they never make up for the rejection? Plans never happen ( unless it's what she wants solely ), like and I quote ( On a daily basis ) "I'm sleepy, I just want to sleep" but also said she likes wake up sex. Generally ends up her masturbating, having me help her, but then she's just " so tired " but promises in the morning... Then doesn't wake me up until it's too late before work, because " she didn't want to be rude " which I've already said isn't rude. It doesn't happen I end up having to use ol' righty alllll the time and using porn.
Ay covert narcissist reading this shoukd know that i am very vulnerable and will absolutely by under your control after you love-bimb me with shrex. Please don't do it.🙏
100000000000000% TRUE LISE.....I SWEAR YOU MUST KNOW MY EX
Start at the beginning and listen through 2:33
100 times.
This describes my wife, who weaponize sex for her Narcissist ways😢
Do people with BPD use the same tactics?
I’m married. When we had sex she didn’t like me touching her body…. Interestingly prior women were delighted with me touching their bodies. She told me not to touch her (not sexually but in general) several years ago and I have not from that day forward. We haven’t had sex in over seven years and I can assure you I shall never have sex with her again…. ever.
I'm worried that I may be at the start of a relationship with one. I've been with her for 4 months, and she is love bombing me like nobody else ever has. I'm getting sex all the time! But the downsides to her is that she's super insecure and I can feel her slowly trying to control me. She wants to know where I am at all times, believes I'm texting other women all the time when I'm not. She gets really annoyed if I don't message her back within a short time frame. I stay at her house maybe 10 nights of the month, and the other morning I came downstairs in the early hours to use the toilet and got a snack. She came down, and I saw a really nasty side to her. She shouted at me for eating so late at night and accused me of going out of the bedroom to message other women. The next morning she apologised. I said I accept the apology, but let her know that I feel like she's trying to control me. With that she started crying, saying she's insecure and can't help it.
I feel like I'm constantly having to prove I'm not cheating. The other thing is that I don't pay her enough compliments apparently, even though I believe I do.
She came to support me in a half marathon the other day and waited for me at the finishing line, which I thought was really nice. She congratulated me at the end, but within a minute she wanted to know who was the woman that I crossed the finishing line with, because she saw us running next to each other for the last 300 metres or so. I thought she was joking, but she really wasn't. It was almost comical to me. Of course I had no idea who this woman was 😆.
There's quite a lot of weird stories I've got, but I won't go on forever. I know she cheated on her last long term partner. She said, she made a mistake and will never do it again. She keeps telling me this, even though I've never even brought it up to her after she first told me about it. I told her that I don't need the reassurance.
Tough to keep an insecure person feeling secure long-term. Hope it works out for you but it kinda sounds like it’s too passionate and invasive up front to realistically maintain.
Classic projection !
The intimacy is the only good thing(glue) in your relationship and is being used to manipulate you . Get out NOW before she Mind F#@&s you. She was broken before you met her and you cannot help her. Save yourself!
RUN! You will not change her!
I can relate. My ex wouldn't let me leave the room to get a glass of water. The first time it happened She asked" where are you going"?. I said downstairs to get water. She said just wait until I dry my hair and get dressed. This would happen constantly. It was her form of control. Another issue she had was "germs". She wouldn't let me touch the doorknob or leave without her consent. She had to use a paper towel to turn the knob to let me out.
Another thing, she would drive everywhere to have a sense of control but later complain about the miles she puts on her car or how I never offer.
( not true ) She would offer to make me dinner & tell me to sit and keep her company in the kitchen but later complain how I didn't offer to help cook and how I sat there. I offered to clean the dishes and she tells me to relax but then later complains I don't offer to clean up. She later mentions her experiences on how her marriage fell apart because her ex husband didn't help her with anything. After sex she wanted a rating 1-50, if I said it was a 50 she would pout and say " Not a 60"?? If I said 60, then why not a 70?
She says she hates her son's dad but tells me I'm the one that creates all the tension in their comparenting duties. Or, she hangs out with him and her son and tells me she had a good friendship with him before I was in the picture.
Can u talk about sociopath
I recommend you find a billionaire grandad ❤.