Connor, I have listened to a lot of content on UA-cam and have to say that your videos are some of the best I have seen. I have learned so much from you and appreciate all you do! I grew up in a church setting that taught me that my needs are not important and always come secondary, women are to be treated like a princess and put on a pedestal and to never stand up for myself and say no. These teachings were damaging and I am turning it around and starting to become stronger and get out of the nice guy routine. I have learned that finding purpose and raising my own self values and worth is attractive and an essential part of any relationship. Keep up the good work!
@@waylonsmith8798 outstanding brother, appreciate you tuning in, sharing your journey and for the feedback. Glad my work is hitting home for you. Let me know if there are certain topics you want me to cover.
Pretty new to your channel and I love what you’re doing. I’ve read Glover’s book, and it has been a life changer. I do appreciate that you touched on the “confrontation“ aspects of changing up patterns with our loved ones. People are not used to these behavior shifts. But they are, as you say, imperative.
It’s hard to notice when you’re being a “nice guy”. The part that makes me angry is that I have to take responsibility for not knowing any better. I was raised in abusive household by women so I feel like so much time has been wasted now that I’m learning this stuff.
Yeah, it's not our fault, but it is our responsibility. But that's a good thing. Holding yourself accountable puts the power to shape your life back in your hands. The hardest part for me has been trying to get in touch with what my actual needs are. I've spent so long ignoring them...
@Pacolad I totally get it. Be patient with yourself always. It gets better incrementally, but you have to pace yourself. Don’t let anyone force you to go at a pace that doesn’t work for you. This was one of my biggest challenges, but once I learned to have healthy boundaries with myself, I was able to implement them outward to others. Always reflect on and reward your wins. You learn more from/about yourself when you do this. You connect stronger.
@@bjmaynard01I totally agree. That was one of my biggest hurdles too, until I realized how important and necessary it was… Knowing what I want is half the battle. Articulating it is the other half, and that was really the tough part. Still is sometimes. I had to let go of feeling like I was hurting people’s feelings by telling them what I wanted and choosing not to go with their program. Or dealing with a disrespectful woman and telling her off in a smooth and clever way lol. Isn’t that crazy, that as grown men, we’ve had to learn that?
I’m a year late but I’m in the same boat. It’s a lot of work but I’m sure our future families will never know about what it took. And will be better off for it. Trust
I have really tried to learn and confront so many uncomfortable truths about myself. Such an incredible opportunity and I was such a mess... thank you for this comment a year later 🫶💪
I've struggled with this for all my life. Became everyone's punching bag ruined my confidence. Went from passive aggressive victim to overly nice and timid. Felt very confused. Now I communicate honestly. I know I have a lot of work to do. But It will be worth it. Letting everyone walk all over me in hope of making friends. Now I have a few friends now and I don't expect people to be nice to me after I've been nice to them. I know my worth and value now.
- Brutal honesty - Trying to be courageous despite being afraid - Not to stand where you are not wanted - Not being afraid of loneliness - Self-sufficiency - To know how to fight but not to be belligerent - To be able to say no - To be able to say yes - Don't be afraid to speak your mind - To be able to fulfil tasks that you do not enjoy - Not to panic - Not being afraid of criticism - Being authentic - Not needing the approval of others - To go after what you want
As a guy who still struggles with this, I think the art of disagreement and the willingness to express your needs cannot go understated. it can be confusing at times when the terror of rejection is almost embedded in your knee jerk responds to pushback regardless of the reason. Partly because pushing back feels so black and white. Filtering, being mindful, and calm in these moments can be extremely difficult so thank you Connor. Every video you have put out feels like each puzzle piece I needed to start getting my shit together.
I’m enjoying your talks. I’ve been both bad boy and nice guy. I lost my edge as a man of stature after combat. Completely devastated and severely depressed. Adjusting to civilian life still seems foreign to me. Finding a sense of self-worth and being able to engage during disagreements became extremely aggravated and disruptive for me. I changed by becoming accommodating to people. IT DOESNT WORK. Try not to go back to the literal beast I was has kept me imprisoned. Finding my way back still feels like a place I’m not sure I can reach. Thank you much for the encouraging words.
I served in an Infantry Unit in the Army and am in my Masters for psychology. My recommendation is to seek out that conflict. Not physically but verbal by standing up for yourself. We served our country and that in fact does make us better and deserve respect
Thank you for your service; and yes, you deserve respect. But so does everyone else who behaves in a lawful and civil manner, and (maybe) even a little more so does everyone who contributes to society in some way. Could you possibly stand up for yourself, without thinking you’re “better” than others just because military service wasn’t a suitable life choice for them? Or could you at least stop making your contempt for others so obvious?
Very, very true. It’s just one unhealed way of behaviour to another. I think the world actually prefers the one with the edge, at least he’s honest. Everyone knows the nice guy has some kind of agenda, even if it’s just simply not trying to be an uncivilised beast. Can think back to having an edge days, and people loved me for it, even if very imperfect. I used to be surprised girls liked it too, as was conditioned to believe they liked nice guys. Seems like people with decent self worth have a good middle ground. Often polite and decent people, but don’t seek to people please, they don’t need external validation. I remember one nice guy nicely asking a normal guy at work “how was Vegas?” The nice guy was expecting something like “it was really good thank you, we had a great time.” But he just replied “how you’d expect it to be.” Always remembered the way he treated the nice guy question with contempt without being rude. It was such an insincere question too, just how was it? Really is not worth being a nice at all, it does lead to pent up rage. Do sleep well at night when have self worth and aren’t afraid to be ourselves.
I'm more than thankful for your channel.. after 25 years about being completely clueless as to what a real man is, and how I really want to be like... this is a BLESSING! Thank you, thank you, thank you! Watching your videos, taking notes, really thinking about how I did things wrong in my past relationship. So much to learn, it's crazy.
A prerequisite to standing up for what you want is knowing what you want. That's my issue. I'm so apathetic and accommodating that I can hardly tell what I do want from what I don't. If I had a well-defined vision of what I want in every circumstance, then it'd probably be pretty easy to fight for it - but I don't know what to fight for.
Amen, I am still afraid of rejection, but I've been getting better. I used to get really frustrated every time I was told no, but I can handle it better lately. Love all your videos.
This video is so timely, I'm single but been the ''nice guy" to my family at large and I'm also a follower of Jesus so its hard to find the balance between serving others and loving my neighbor and keeping healthy boundaries. I'm in that process but definitely a lot of guilt beats me into submission to doing things to avoid causing issues to others who need my help at times.
One of the things i have been doing since i picked up “no more mr. Nice guy” is Dr glover says to ask for things that are difficult to ask for, its quite uncomfortable, but also quite worth it.
Best things is if both have a same rule... Based on recharging a battery. People who do meditation daily, understanfd oit... thats oemtimes your mental strength goes down and you need to recharge menatlly physically, or you feel nervous becauswe of other peopel etc. And if both do mediation they have much bigger empathy for the other person, and read theoir energy, communication improves etc.
I have definitely suffered from the nice guy syndrome. Being non-confrontational and avoiding conflict has been my worst habits. So not getting my needs met has become a real issue for me now, but I am working at it.
my relationship with my ex ended about a month ago. i know now that my nice guy syndrome played a part in our relationship ending. i always tried to appeal to her wants/needs in hopes my wants/needs would be met by her, without maturely communicating in fear of rejection. i don’t want to sit around and fall into the same trap in my next relationship. i want to put my all into breaking my habits. i want to be slow to criticize or judge, initiate and stand by my needs/wants, stick to them and get comfortable with confrontation. i’m writing this mainly for myself, to make that first step of commitment. and i hope guys like me are on their way to being a better man as well.
Getting calm with confrontation, know what the contention is and do not try to hide from it. I think I'm finally learning how to express it without going into a manic bipolar moment that really bothers people but my firmness of voice is also off-putting for them. If they deserve it I have some fun with it, now. I'm not in a relationship, anymore, and very little interaction outside business, which I'm inclined to be wary of, or hostile toward, anyway. I liked the calm, even, but firm voice that I had this morning at such a meeting. I felt like I was expressing myself like an honest adult.
I’ve been doing the work and reading through No More Mr Nice Guy by Dr Glover. Today started rough, was falling back into my old ways just slightly. Asserted myself and didn’t over explain or apologize and snapped right back into my masculine framework.
Dr. Robert Glover's book is a great starting point for any nice guy who wants to start taking back his masculinity. So is "The Way of a Superior Man". Drop the nice, and take back control of your life men.
“You have to be willing to engage in confrontation you absolutely cannot avoid it. Every nice guy is trapped in the nice guy archetype because he is trying to change without confrontation” Omg man you nailed it. I see this is 2 years old, I would love it if you re visited your thoughts and ways to combat nice guy syndrome. The way you speak of it is even clearer than dr glover himself in my opinion and I would love to hear more
Great content man. I think for me the ability to be disliked by anyone was really hard. I had a friend and he used to say "i couldn't give monkey's if they don't like me". He was about the most straight talking honest person I've met, no pretence. Most people did like him and importantly respect him and i always saw his way as very liberating. The truth isnt always what people want to hear but is often the best thing they can hear ❤
really brilliant and informative video - thank you. started to implement this on a professional basis for a few years now and can see the benefits. it's slow or feels that way and uncomfortable - only starting to see its okay/fine and others can be respectful in realtion to boundaries for example. I definately still need to be more direct in asking others for bits or help. thanks again
Hey Connor, I was recently introduced to and read Robert Glover's No More Mr Nice Guy. Then I listened to your podcast on Surfmastery, followed up and found your clip. I have def' been the nice guy and now I'm going through a separation however I'm still living with my ex which makes things more difficult and we have a 9 year old daughter. I'm switching my behaviour, speaking my mind and being more assertive and OMG the push back is nuts. It's hard man but I really think I've hit the jackpot in finding out about the Mr Nice Guy Sydnrome. Thanks for the vids!
So on point bro thank you for sharing, Ive been a nice guy all my life pretty much, & I realize now it's caused a lot of problems in my relationships, work life etc. Ive discovered some of the "covert contracts" I've had with myself and others, that were responsible for some weird behavior or reactions to things. So on point man thank you for helping men like myself break out of and grow in recovery from Nice Guy Syndrome 👍🏼💯
Its crazy because ive always ALWAYS held to the idea that being the Nice Guy while i know some women dont resoect it as much, is my personality and im not changing who i am. I realize that ive only been nice on the outside at time which is not to say ive been fake at times when choosing peace instead of conflict ive still got conflict but its internal, with hurt bitter feelings and that is NOT nice either, not nice to me, not nice to others
I see an overgeneralization of the “nice guy “ and “jerk” stereotypes. Men are complex beings like women, and there are blurred lines between the two generalizations. There is also the external environment that causes needy/people pleasing behaviors susceptible to both stereotypes.
to the younger nice guys. the confrontation issue is crucial.its going to take time and concerted effort. dont give up; take baby steps and keep chipping away at it no matter how long it takes. from an old nice guy--good luck and stay strong and true.
This was very helpful! I need to engage in confrontation, gradually, and learn how to handle my fear of failure. I think I need to learn conflict resolution skills. By the time I get all these skills down, I'll be 80!
I’m too much of a nice guy with blokes not girls as girls give far more respect to me in general! It’s more the guys that try to test me or have a dig at me! Maybe they find me a threat or are jealous or insecure about something I don’t know you tell me?
Exposure therapy is so good for anxiety, I thought exposing myself would cause me more anxiety but as soon as I do, I see the thing what I'm exposing myself to for what it is and the anxiety goes away.
This video felt like such an eye opener for me. I've always felt that I'm so co-operative and other things like that, I never understood what am I doing that's wrong that is pushing people away in some way or form. I think I needed to hear this. The confrontation part is so important, and I've always been really bad at it. To be able to tell other people about my needs and preferences, I need to come to terms with them. I need to accept that I actually do have them and that its okay to have them. I think as men we have always been taught (directly or indirectly) to be the provider or to be a pillar of strength and support, and somehow we end up learning that we are not supposed to have needs to be able to fit into that definition of a man. So I think when we learn to be more confrontational, be accepting of our needs and be able to convey them to the people that are close to use or to people that we wanna get close with, not only do we make them see us more as a person, but I think we show more of our personality too. The personality that they can like or dislike us for (again goes back to the point of having the courage to be able to accept that they might not like us if we show them ourselves). And when we have the courage to do that, we open ourselves to the possibility of someone actually seeing and loving us for who we are. Many thanks for making this video. I hope I am able to remember what I've learned from this and be able to apply it in real life.
I personally think the goal is to express your needs while respecting your partner's needs at the same time. If you don't say what you want and need, your partner is in a relationship with a (insert word or phrase here).
...and maybe the 0th step is knowing what your needs are, in the most basic and honest ways, and respecting them for yourself first. At least, that's what I'm trying to (re)discover and bring out, so I can finally show up for and to myself.
The part about exposure therapy hit me the hardest because it's the current phase I'm in. I'm trying to find the courage to take the leap of faith and risk rejection and pain in pursuit of what I want and need. It's really hard, but I feel like I'm up to the challenge. I've been taking baby steps, but there are still major areas where I need to take more risks and speak up. This quote from the video stuck out to me: "It's not about the outcome, necessarily, in the beginning. It's about exposing yourself to the risk of rejection, the risk of failure, the risk of getting it wrong, and staying ground, centered, calm, in the face of knowing that those things might happen. Most nice guys are so afraid of rejection, they're so afraid of failure, they're so afraid of hurting the other person, of getting it wrong with them, of causing their girlfriend, or their wife, or whoever pain that they don't say what they want. Those are the excuses that a nice guy will use. So you have to risk those things happening."
very informative video especially for someone who is a big time people pleaser, after being bullied most of my life and with that kinda wanna do everything what others want and please them. keep up the excellent work
I struggle with adhd/bipolar, and I was raised by my single mom and grandma. Nobody really spent time with me or cared all that much. Not the greatest starting point, but also not the worst. I tend to do this nice guy shit and it always pisses me off. I cant seem to find a balance between macho man who dont give a f, and being too kind and considerate. People treat me like im a doormat, and also respect me a lot when my boundaries come up when I'm in that mood. My brain is always a paranoid jumbled mess when it comes to relationships bruh, im tired of it. I'm working out a lot now, been great so far. I lowkey love my chaotic energy, but sometimes it drives me crazy
If being nice makes you compromise who you really are to your partner then its no better then lying. Also it can make you resentful. Resentment can turn into anger. Either to yourself or towards your partner. Both are very destructive. I am struggling with this issue my self.
The part where you said more criticism and judgement doesn’t work is very true in reverse! Whenever my ex did all that it made me not want to do anything😂
It’s about being assertive instead of passive. Passive is bad; Passive aggressive is bad, aggressive is bad. Assertive is good. Don’t be afraid to say no in a calm manner…. We can agree to disagree.
All the nice guy and codependency is built into your subconscious. You can use these tools but if you aren’t reprogramming your subconscious, then all of this is going to be very challenging to do for the long run. Understand why your people pleasing in the first place and heal those parts so you can show up truly in your authentic self.
The people pleasing part is so me. But in the rest of the video I see myself a bit too. I need to learn to say what I want and not only focus on making others look better
I’m a nice guy / people pleaser because I don’t like confrontation etc. I’m still a nice guy but I don’t care anymore about pleasing people. If it’s something important I’m going to express my opinion and if people don’t like it so be it I don’t care. I’ve learned it’s better to be hated for who you are than to be liked for being someone you’re not. People may not like you but they will respect you for having the courage to express your unpopular opinion
The problem is that nice guy's validate their worth through the their partner's happiness or not being abandoned instead of understanding that the love they are seeking is an internal and experienced through another person. This leads to chasing the external (partner) or if the partner leaves feeling empty and rejected where they need the partner to experience value and happiness.
6:22 To be fair the stakes can be extremely high for some men. It can feel like a tightrope walk for some men with divorce on either side. Too aggressive in bed and you might be labeled an abuser but a few degrees less and you might be labeled as not passionate. Work too hard and you’re neglecting her and the family, not making enough and you’re not providing. And there might be only a few millimeters of space between the two. But I see your point, putting on a brave face in the midst of the danger is what men are supposed to do.
HOW they comport themselves in becoming direct and assertive matters. Some men only can be the nice guy or grumpy mean. It’s like anger is a protective cover for their vulnerability.
Be willing to get left by the wrong people. Or even who you thought would be the right people. When you’re willing to stand up for yourself. Some people don’t respect their partner, some people crave a servant, not a partner.
What makes it hard for me to not be a nice guy is that I see most conflict as trivial and I don't care about winning these trivial arguments. I need to learn to be honest about what I need too though.
As a nice guy, when expressing your needs and boundaries for the first time, how to know when to break up when she's not responding correctly to your needs? In my case, I've expressed my needs but she keeps on saying it was because of X or Y that I didn't do, and that she *needs A or B* in order for that to happen.
I think I was trained to be nice to avoid punishment. I feel trapped in a cage. I still feel that I will be punished if I'm not nice after 20 + years of therapy.
Fundamentally, it all comes down to your willingness to walk away and lose the girl, PERIOD. The second you're afraid of losing her, she has the power and you're the nice guy.
Been working on the decisive part, especially when it comes to making everyday choices. Being confrontational and talking with someone on an equal level another. Having an overbearing mother and semi controlling father growing up didn't help any.
I am a nice guy only towards my avoidant girl, not because I want to impress her or please her or to gain her love, I am Mr. Guy to her because I know she's been through a lot of pain and suffering through out her whole life, she has childhood traumas and has been mistreated by her parents all her life. Just like me, we both have been through a lot. While I understand that being Mr. Guy is not good, I act this way naturally, but only towards my avoidant girl. No one else get this side of me. It's quite difficult to act a certain way when you truly care for a loved one. 😢
Hmm...this has resulted in me having pretty much no male friends, but much success with my wife and females in general. I'm at a bit of a loss with that, but at my age and my career field, I'm not sure how to change that. I am not in a very male present industry, so not in an environment to even make attempts to increase friendship potential. It's weird, and I'm good 90% of the time with solitude and actually prefer to do many activities alone, but would definitely enjoy some male presence in my life occasionally.
Well...been a nice guy is not bad at all, but if we use the "nice guy mask" to get what we want so we have a problem...im a nice guy but i dont ask anything back or in return...i dont expect people pay me the same way i do to them...
I'm very familiar with Glover and the idea of Nice Guy Syndrome and the first thing I'd say is that the name should be changed because the idea of being a nice guy shouldn't be associated with a bad thing. This is the main reason you see those videos where women are asked "nice guy or bad boy" and they will always pick the bad boy. That being said, I still think that a lot of the traits that are described as being undesirable and also a lot of things said by Glover and other coaches, while they might work in some cases, don't seem to work with the majority of modern women. Just as one example, Glover talks about women wanting men to stand up to them. I have yet to meet the woman who, even if she says she wants it, will actually stand for it. Most women I've ever known, once there is a disagreement with a man, would ever back down no matter how minor the issue. Most coaches talk about Nice Guys always being agreeable, going along with what she says and letting her make decisions because they believe it will make her happy. But I have yet to hear one say that the reason many men aren't doing it to not rock the boat but instead they've learned it's pointless to argue with a woman.
The best thing is to spend a week in divorce court. That’ll scare most men from the disaster that is a relationship. No to relationships, no to marriage, no to children. It is not worth it.
Wow. Some comments are pretty scary, into the manipulation zone. Guys, this is about both partners treating each other with equal respect. That both partners have their own wants and needs and both get to assertively voice them and both get to decide when they can meet those needs. Healthy and mature women aren't rejecting requests to hurt the person they love and live with. They are simply having a back-and-forth conversation about their ability to meet the desire, the logistics around it, and/or her own boundaries. All those things, her partner should be interested in knowing and should desire to hear and respect. Good faith partners start with individuals who, themselves, live with integrity. If you constantly feel like your partner is pushing back to hurt you, you need to see a therapist to see if it's the partner or actually you and your insecurities/perceptions/projections/judgments that's preventing you from showing up with authenticity to have a centered conversation.
Every single nice guy needs to take action on confrontation. They have to tell the woman what they want. My wife use to ask me what I wanted to eat and I always said food. Doesn’t matter to me what kind of fuel. I didn’t realize I was not being assertive enough. I didn’t realize I was being a nice guy. My marriage fell apart and I didn’t realize that my part of that was that I was being too nice to her and letting her have her way too much. I thought that was how you were supposed to treat a woman. The reason I felt that way because my first marriage fell apart and it was because she was unhappy because I was too assertive. She said I was too controlling. That wasn’t the problem in that marriage. The problem was she was still in love with her ex-husband. She lied. Don’t give them everything they want. You can still give them gifts periodically you can still give them birthday cards and things like that but just don’t overdo it. Tell her what you want. Be ready to walk away. Understand that you’re better off without her if you have to do that. And also there are other women out there. I’m 70 years old and they’re starting over. There are lots of women. My wife was 55 years old we divorced. I was 69.
And mostly it's not pushback or saying no, it's just a conversation. Oh, I'd love to make you asparagus but we ran out today. Would Broccoli be OK? That's not a rejection. That's maturity.
Easier to just stay single. The dating game I think is at its all time low. You be nice and you get screwed. Often they have nothing to bring to the table. It's all about what you can do for them.
How about a video on stopping nice guy behavior towards women? Because I was a nice guy, and never learned to talk to women, now I am dead inside. Most nice guys don’t get girls so this video is good but what about the nice guys that are just invisible to women? What can we do t stop showing up as a nice guy? All I did was cut out all female friends and stop hanging around loser friends who won’t help you.
Still kinda unclear about the "exposure therapy". Perhaps it's because you unknowingly skipped the *zeroth* step - How do I figure out how to give myself permission to actually *HAVE* wants & desires?!? (Why yes, I've been this way since childhood, how could you tell?)
Yup, this is a buyers market. No longer shall nice guys heed to the demands of abusive women. From now on it's going to be the other way around or risk drying up those stale eggs.
Let me know in the comments what you would add to this
Connor, I have listened to a lot of content on UA-cam and have to say that your videos are some of the best I have seen. I have learned so much from you and appreciate all you do! I grew up in a church setting that taught me that my needs are not important and always come secondary, women are to be treated like a princess and put on a pedestal and to never stand up for myself and say no. These teachings were damaging and I am turning it around and starting to become stronger and get out of the nice guy routine. I have learned that finding purpose and raising my own self values and worth is attractive and an essential part of any relationship. Keep up the good work!
@@waylonsmith8798 outstanding brother, appreciate you tuning in, sharing your journey and for the feedback. Glad my work is hitting home for you. Let me know if there are certain topics you want me to cover.
Pretty new to your channel and I love what you’re doing. I’ve read Glover’s book, and it has been a life changer. I do appreciate that you touched on the “confrontation“ aspects of changing up patterns with our loved ones. People are not used to these behavior shifts. But they are, as you say, imperative.
😢😢🎉🎉@@waylonsmith8798
It’s hard to notice when you’re being a “nice guy”. The part that makes me angry is that I have to take responsibility for not knowing any better. I was raised in abusive household by women so I feel like so much time has been wasted now that I’m learning this stuff.
Yeah, it's not our fault, but it is our responsibility. But that's a good thing. Holding yourself accountable puts the power to shape your life back in your hands. The hardest part for me has been trying to get in touch with what my actual needs are. I've spent so long ignoring them...
@Pacolad I totally get it. Be patient with yourself always. It gets better incrementally, but you have to pace yourself. Don’t let anyone force you to go at a pace that doesn’t work for you. This was one of my biggest challenges, but once I learned to have healthy boundaries with myself, I was able to implement them outward to others. Always reflect on and reward your wins. You learn more from/about yourself when you do this. You connect stronger.
@@bjmaynard01I totally agree. That was one of my biggest hurdles too, until I realized how important and necessary it was… Knowing what I want is half the battle. Articulating it is the other half, and that was really the tough part. Still is sometimes. I had to let go of feeling like I was hurting people’s feelings by telling them what I wanted and choosing not to go with their program. Or dealing with a disrespectful woman and telling her off in a smooth and clever way lol. Isn’t that crazy, that as grown men, we’ve had to learn that?
I’m a year late but I’m in the same boat. It’s a lot of work but I’m sure our future families will never know about what it took. And will be better off for it. Trust
I have really tried to learn and confront so many uncomfortable truths about myself. Such an incredible opportunity and I was such a mess... thank you for this comment a year later 🫶💪
Don't Fear Rejection Embrace it because it means you're are willing to do the Unknown!
GAYYYY
lol@@BEATmyguest31
@@BEATmyguest31projecting?
I've struggled with this for all my life. Became everyone's punching bag ruined my confidence. Went from passive aggressive victim to overly nice and timid. Felt very confused. Now I communicate honestly. I know I have a lot of work to do. But It will be worth it. Letting everyone walk all over me in hope of making friends. Now I have a few friends now and I don't expect people to be nice to me after I've been nice to them. I know my worth and value now.
Me too man
- Brutal honesty
- Trying to be courageous despite being afraid
- Not to stand where you are not wanted
- Not being afraid of loneliness
- Self-sufficiency
- To know how to fight but not to be belligerent
- To be able to say no
- To be able to say yes
- Don't be afraid to speak your mind
- To be able to fulfil tasks that you do not enjoy
- Not to panic
- Not being afraid of criticism
- Being authentic
- Not needing the approval of others
- To go after what you want
The exposure therapy section is very helpful. "Sharpen yourself against the relationship by engaging consciously and asking for what you need."
As a guy who still struggles with this, I think the art of disagreement and the willingness to express your needs cannot go understated. it can be confusing at times when the terror of rejection is almost embedded in your knee jerk responds to pushback regardless of the reason. Partly because pushing back feels so black and white. Filtering, being mindful, and calm in these moments can be extremely difficult so thank you Connor. Every video you have put out feels like each puzzle piece I needed to start getting my shit together.
I’m enjoying your talks. I’ve been both bad boy and nice guy. I lost my edge as a man of stature after combat. Completely devastated and severely depressed. Adjusting to civilian life still seems foreign to me. Finding a sense of self-worth and being able to engage during disagreements became extremely aggravated and disruptive for me. I changed by becoming accommodating to people. IT DOESNT WORK. Try not to go back to the literal beast I was has kept me imprisoned. Finding my way back still feels like a place I’m not sure I can reach. Thank you much for the encouraging words.
I served in an Infantry Unit in the Army and am in my Masters for psychology. My recommendation is to seek out that conflict. Not physically but verbal by standing up for yourself. We served our country and that in fact does make us better and deserve respect
deep. I wish you the very best.
You just described my exact predicament, have never been the same.
Thank you for your service; and yes, you deserve respect. But so does everyone else who behaves in a lawful and civil manner, and (maybe) even a little more so does everyone who contributes to society in some way.
Could you possibly stand up for yourself, without thinking you’re “better” than others just because military service wasn’t a suitable life choice for them?
Or could you at least stop making your contempt for others so obvious?
Very, very true. It’s just one unhealed way of behaviour to another. I think the world actually prefers the one with the edge, at least he’s honest. Everyone knows the nice guy has some kind of agenda, even if it’s just simply not trying to be an uncivilised beast. Can think back to having an edge days, and people loved me for it, even if very imperfect. I used to be surprised girls liked it too, as was conditioned to believe they liked nice guys.
Seems like people with decent self worth have a good middle ground. Often polite and decent people, but don’t seek to people please, they don’t need external validation. I remember one nice guy nicely asking a normal guy at work “how was Vegas?” The nice guy was expecting something like “it was really good thank you, we had a great time.” But he just replied “how you’d expect it to be.” Always remembered the way he treated the nice guy question with contempt without being rude. It was such an insincere question too, just how was it?
Really is not worth being a nice at all, it does lead to pent up rage. Do sleep well at night when have self worth and aren’t afraid to be ourselves.
I'm more than thankful for your channel.. after 25 years about being completely clueless as to what a real man is, and how I really want to be like... this is a BLESSING! Thank you, thank you, thank you! Watching your videos, taking notes, really thinking about how I did things wrong in my past relationship. So much to learn, it's crazy.
A prerequisite to standing up for what you want is knowing what you want. That's my issue. I'm so apathetic and accommodating that I can hardly tell what I do want from what I don't. If I had a well-defined vision of what I want in every circumstance, then it'd probably be pretty easy to fight for it - but I don't know what to fight for.
Amen, I am still afraid of rejection, but I've been getting better. I used to get really frustrated every time I was told no, but I can handle it better lately. Love all your videos.
As I look back in my younger years, being nice is disgusting!! Be kind!!
This video is so timely, I'm single but been the ''nice guy" to my family at large and I'm also a follower of Jesus so its hard to find the balance between serving others and loving my neighbor and keeping healthy boundaries. I'm in that process but definitely a lot of guilt beats me into submission to doing things to avoid causing issues to others who need my help at times.
Always remember that Jesus flipped over the tables and chased the money changers out of the temple, because they disrespected his fathers house.
One of the things i have been doing since i picked up “no more mr. Nice guy” is Dr glover says to ask for things that are difficult to ask for, its quite uncomfortable, but also quite worth it.
Do you have an example?
Best things is if both have a same rule...
Based on recharging a battery.
People who do meditation daily, understanfd oit... thats oemtimes your mental strength goes down and you need to recharge
menatlly physically, or you feel nervous becauswe of other peopel etc.
And if both do mediation they have much bigger empathy for the other person, and read theoir energy, communication improves etc.
I have definitely suffered from the nice guy syndrome. Being non-confrontational and avoiding conflict has been my worst habits. So not getting my needs met has become a real issue for me now, but I am working at it.
my relationship with my ex ended about a month ago. i know now that my nice guy syndrome played a part in our relationship ending. i always tried to appeal to her wants/needs in hopes my wants/needs would be met by her, without maturely communicating in fear of rejection. i don’t want to sit around and fall into the same trap in my next relationship. i want to put my all into breaking my habits. i want to be slow to criticize or judge, initiate and stand by my needs/wants, stick to them and get comfortable with confrontation. i’m writing this mainly for myself, to make that first step of commitment. and i hope guys like me are on their way to being a better man as well.
Getting calm with confrontation, know what the contention is and do not try to hide from it. I think I'm finally learning how to express it without going into a manic bipolar moment that really bothers people but my firmness of voice is also off-putting for them. If they deserve it I have some fun with it, now. I'm not in a relationship, anymore, and very little interaction outside business, which I'm inclined to be wary of, or hostile toward, anyway. I liked the calm, even, but firm voice that I had this morning at such a meeting. I felt like I was expressing myself like an honest adult.
Thanks man,much appreciated ,hopefully I can change after 44 years of being the pushover nice guy that I’ve been.
That was me for 38 years.
I’ve been doing the work and reading through No More Mr Nice Guy by Dr Glover. Today started rough, was falling back into my old ways just slightly. Asserted myself and didn’t over explain or apologize and snapped right back into my masculine framework.
I just followed your advice, and im sleeping on the sofa now. Thanks bruh😊
Dont sleep on a coach, ur man and u sleep un ur bed. If she is pissed let her go to the sofa...
mothers will always punish their rebellious sons.
@@piotrsowa9560those guys are hopeless
Dr. Robert Glover's book is a great starting point for any nice guy who wants to start taking back his masculinity. So is "The Way of a Superior Man". Drop the nice, and take back control of your life men.
The way of the superior man is incredible! For this topic
“You have to be willing to engage in confrontation you absolutely cannot avoid it. Every nice guy is trapped in the nice guy archetype because he is trying to change without confrontation”
Omg man you nailed it. I see this is 2 years old, I would love it if you re visited your thoughts and ways to combat nice guy syndrome. The way you speak of it is even clearer than dr glover himself in my opinion and I would love to hear more
Thank you very much. I am a recovering nice guy from Denmark. Your work helps a lot to - in my own pace - break free from those patterns😊
This video has put a shining light on my head. Thank you.
Great content man. I think for me the ability to be disliked by anyone was really hard. I had a friend and he used to say "i couldn't give monkey's if they don't like me". He was about the most straight talking honest person I've met, no pretence. Most people did like him and importantly respect him and i always saw his way as very liberating. The truth isnt always what people want to hear but is often the best thing they can hear ❤
really brilliant and informative video - thank you. started to implement this on a professional basis for a few years now and can see the benefits. it's slow or feels that way and uncomfortable - only starting to see its okay/fine and others can be respectful in realtion to boundaries for example. I definately still need to be more direct in asking others for bits or help. thanks again
Hey Connor, I was recently introduced to and read Robert Glover's No More Mr Nice Guy. Then I listened to your podcast on Surfmastery, followed up and found your clip. I have def' been the nice guy and now I'm going through a separation however I'm still living with my ex which makes things more difficult and we have a 9 year old daughter. I'm switching my behaviour, speaking my mind and being more assertive and OMG the push back is nuts. It's hard man but I really think I've hit the jackpot in finding out about the Mr Nice Guy Sydnrome. Thanks for the vids!
So on point bro thank you for sharing, Ive been a nice guy all my life pretty much, & I realize now it's caused a lot of problems in my relationships, work life etc. Ive discovered some of the "covert contracts" I've had with myself and others, that were responsible for some weird behavior or reactions to things.
So on point man thank you for helping men like myself break out of and grow in recovery from Nice Guy Syndrome 👍🏼💯
Its crazy because ive always ALWAYS held to the idea that being the Nice Guy while i know some women dont resoect it as much, is my personality and im not changing who i am. I realize that ive only been nice on the outside at time which is not to say ive been fake at times when choosing peace instead of conflict ive still got conflict but its internal, with hurt bitter feelings and that is NOT nice either, not nice to me, not nice to others
What stands out the most to me is as my marriage is going south I realize I’m the guy from this video. Damn. Great video.
I see an overgeneralization of the “nice guy “ and “jerk” stereotypes. Men are complex beings like women, and there are blurred lines between the two generalizations. There is also the external environment that causes needy/people pleasing behaviors susceptible to both stereotypes.
to the younger nice guys. the confrontation issue is crucial.its going to take time and concerted effort. dont give up; take baby steps and keep chipping away at it no matter how long it takes. from an old nice guy--good luck and stay strong and true.
This was very helpful! I need to engage in confrontation, gradually, and learn how to handle my fear of failure. I think I need to learn conflict resolution skills. By the time I get all these skills down, I'll be 80!
A good one. Appreciate it. Started the book of Robert Glover…
I’m too much of a nice guy with blokes not girls as girls give far more respect to me in general! It’s more the guys that try to test me or have a dig at me! Maybe they find me a threat or are jealous or insecure about something I don’t know you tell me?
Read the book called not nice. I'm a recovering nice guy and that was very helpful.
Exposure therapy is so good for anxiety, I thought exposing myself would cause me more anxiety but as soon as I do, I see the thing what I'm exposing myself to for what it is and the anxiety goes away.
This video felt like such an eye opener for me. I've always felt that I'm so co-operative and other things like that, I never understood what am I doing that's wrong that is pushing people away in some way or form. I think I needed to hear this.
The confrontation part is so important, and I've always been really bad at it. To be able to tell other people about my needs and preferences, I need to come to terms with them. I need to accept that I actually do have them and that its okay to have them.
I think as men we have always been taught (directly or indirectly) to be the provider or to be a pillar of strength and support, and somehow we end up learning that we are not supposed to have needs to be able to fit into that definition of a man.
So I think when we learn to be more confrontational, be accepting of our needs and be able to convey them to the people that are close to use or to people that we wanna get close with, not only do we make them see us more as a person, but I think we show more of our personality too. The personality that they can like or dislike us for (again goes back to the point of having the courage to be able to accept that they might not like us if we show them ourselves). And when we have the courage to do that, we open ourselves to the possibility of someone actually seeing and loving us for who we are.
Many thanks for making this video. I hope I am able to remember what I've learned from this and be able to apply it in real life.
I personally think the goal is to express your needs while respecting your partner's needs at the same time. If you don't say what you want and need, your partner is in a relationship with a (insert word or phrase here).
...and maybe the 0th step is knowing what your needs are, in the most basic and honest ways, and respecting them for yourself first. At least, that's what I'm trying to (re)discover and bring out, so I can finally show up for and to myself.
The part about exposure therapy hit me the hardest because it's the current phase I'm in. I'm trying to find the courage to take the leap of faith and risk rejection and pain in pursuit of what I want and need. It's really hard, but I feel like I'm up to the challenge. I've been taking baby steps, but there are still major areas where I need to take more risks and speak up.
This quote from the video stuck out to me: "It's not about the outcome, necessarily, in the beginning. It's about exposing yourself to the risk of rejection, the risk of failure, the risk of getting it wrong, and staying ground, centered, calm, in the face of knowing that those things might happen. Most nice guys are so afraid of rejection, they're so afraid of failure, they're so afraid of hurting the other person, of getting it wrong with them, of causing their girlfriend, or their wife, or whoever pain that they don't say what they want. Those are the excuses that a nice guy will use. So you have to risk those things happening."
This is my first vid Iv seen of yours but man this was huge for me thank you so much
very informative video especially for someone who is a big time people pleaser, after being bullied most of my life and with that kinda wanna do everything what others want and please them. keep up the excellent work
I struggle with adhd/bipolar, and I was raised by my single mom and grandma. Nobody really spent time with me or cared all that much. Not the greatest starting point, but also not the worst.
I tend to do this nice guy shit and it always pisses me off. I cant seem to find a balance between macho man who dont give a f, and being too kind and considerate. People treat me like im a doormat, and also respect me a lot when my boundaries come up when I'm in that mood. My brain is always a paranoid jumbled mess when it comes to relationships bruh, im tired of it. I'm working out a lot now, been great so far. I lowkey love my chaotic energy, but sometimes it drives me crazy
If being nice makes you compromise who you really are to your partner then its no better then lying. Also it can make you resentful. Resentment can turn into anger. Either to yourself or towards your partner. Both are very destructive. I am struggling with this issue my self.
This content is exactly what men need.
The part where you said more criticism and judgement doesn’t work is very true in reverse! Whenever my ex did all that it made me not want to do anything😂
Confrontation is so hard for me. The core for me of being a “nice Guy” was avoiding confrontation out of fear of being rejected.
It’s about being assertive instead of passive. Passive is bad; Passive aggressive is bad, aggressive is bad. Assertive is good. Don’t be afraid to say no in a calm manner…. We can agree to disagree.
Another fantastic video. Excellent, thank you.
Fantastic content! Subscribed!
Top quality advice, thanks for this!
All the nice guy and codependency is built into your subconscious. You can use these tools but if you aren’t reprogramming your subconscious, then all of this is going to be very challenging to do for the long run. Understand why your people pleasing in the first place and heal those parts so you can show up truly in your authentic self.
The people pleasing part is so me. But in the rest of the video I see myself a bit too. I need to learn to say what I want and not only focus on making others look better
I’m a nice guy / people pleaser because I don’t like confrontation etc. I’m still a nice guy but I don’t care anymore about pleasing people. If it’s something important I’m going to express my opinion and if people don’t like it so be it I don’t care. I’ve learned it’s better to be hated for who you are than to be liked for being someone you’re not. People may not like you but they will respect you for having the courage to express your unpopular opinion
The problem is that nice guy's validate their worth through the their partner's happiness or not being abandoned instead of understanding that the love they are seeking is an internal and experienced through another person. This leads to chasing the external (partner) or if the partner leaves feeling empty and rejected where they need the partner to experience value and happiness.
6:22 To be fair the stakes can be extremely high for some men. It can feel like a tightrope walk for some men with divorce on either side. Too aggressive in bed and you might be labeled an abuser but a few degrees less and you might be labeled as not passionate. Work too hard and you’re neglecting her and the family, not making enough and you’re not providing. And there might be only a few millimeters of space between the two. But I see your point, putting on a brave face in the midst of the danger is what men are supposed to do.
HOW they comport themselves in becoming direct and assertive matters. Some men only can be the nice guy or grumpy mean. It’s like anger is a protective cover for their vulnerability.
Be willing to get left by the wrong people.
Or even who you thought would be the right people.
When you’re willing to stand up for yourself.
Some people don’t respect their partner, some people crave a servant, not a partner.
Perfect timing!! Thanks
wow this video gave me a wake up call
What makes it hard for me to not be a nice guy is that I see most conflict as trivial and I don't care about winning these trivial arguments. I need to learn to be honest about what I need too though.
As a nice guy, when expressing your needs and boundaries for the first time, how to know when to break up when she's not responding correctly to your needs?
In my case, I've expressed my needs but she keeps on saying it was because of X or Y that I didn't do, and that she *needs A or B* in order for that to happen.
I think I was trained to be nice to avoid punishment. I feel trapped in a cage. I still feel that I will be punished if I'm not nice after 20 + years of therapy.
I really like your content dude. Kudos!
This is fantastic. Thank you
I’ve been a nice guy my whole adult hood. It’s 😢😢😢 and I wanna really break out of it.
Fundamentally, it all comes down to your willingness to walk away and lose the girl, PERIOD. The second you're afraid of losing her, she has the power and you're the nice guy.
Practicing this
Been working on the decisive part, especially when it comes to making everyday choices. Being confrontational and talking with someone on an equal level another.
Having an overbearing mother and semi controlling father growing up didn't help any.
I am a nice guy only towards my avoidant girl, not because I want to impress her or please her or to gain her love, I am Mr. Guy to her because I know she's been through a lot of pain and suffering through out her whole life, she has childhood traumas and has been mistreated by her parents all her life. Just like me, we both have been through a lot.
While I understand that being Mr. Guy is not good, I act this way naturally, but only towards my avoidant girl. No one else get this side of me. It's quite difficult to act a certain way when you truly care for a loved one. 😢
Legitimate critique is not childish.
What is childish is not being able to withstand reasonable criticism and judgement as one and from adults.
Brilliant!
Wow this is insightful.
Do you have a course or offer consultation? Nice guy syndrome has destroyed my life
Hmm...this has resulted in me having pretty much no male friends, but much success with my wife and females in general. I'm at a bit of a loss with that, but at my age and my career field, I'm not sure how to change that. I am not in a very male present industry, so not in an environment to even make attempts to increase friendship potential. It's weird, and I'm good 90% of the time with solitude and actually prefer to do many activities alone, but would definitely enjoy some male presence in my life occasionally.
It's always been hard for me to explain what I want. Or how I'd like things to be.
In my experience nice guys almost always have a domineering mother and confident assertive guys have a mother who is more in their feminine.
Solid observation. Very common for sure
Hey do I sing up for your program?
Well...been a nice guy is not bad at all, but if we use the "nice guy mask" to get what we want so we have a problem...im a nice guy but i dont ask anything back or in return...i dont expect people pay me the same way i do to them...
I'm very familiar with Glover and the idea of Nice Guy Syndrome and the first thing I'd say is that the name should be changed because the idea of being a nice guy shouldn't be associated with a bad thing. This is the main reason you see those videos where women are asked "nice guy or bad boy" and they will always pick the bad boy.
That being said, I still think that a lot of the traits that are described as being undesirable and also a lot of things said by Glover and other coaches, while they might work in some cases, don't seem to work with the majority of modern women. Just as one example, Glover talks about women wanting men to stand up to them. I have yet to meet the woman who, even if she says she wants it, will actually stand for it. Most women I've ever known, once there is a disagreement with a man, would ever back down no matter how minor the issue.
Most coaches talk about Nice Guys always being agreeable, going along with what she says and letting her make decisions because they believe it will make her happy. But I have yet to hear one say that the reason many men aren't doing it to not rock the boat but instead they've learned it's pointless to argue with a woman.
Using "nice" as a means of control. Meaning if I'm nice enough they won't leave.
The best thing is to spend a week in divorce court. That’ll scare most men from the disaster that is a relationship. No to relationships, no to marriage, no to children. It is not worth it.
This works for women too. Men don’t want to be criticised. Ask them for what u want
Being a nice guy or to being myself?
If your partner never wants to have sex with you anymore, should you leave the relationship?
Depends on her age, and what else is going on. Check her phone make sure she’s not talking to other guys.
Wow. Some comments are pretty scary, into the manipulation zone. Guys, this is about both partners treating each other with equal respect. That both partners have their own wants and needs and both get to assertively voice them and both get to decide when they can meet those needs. Healthy and mature women aren't rejecting requests to hurt the person they love and live with. They are simply having a back-and-forth conversation about their ability to meet the desire, the logistics around it, and/or her own boundaries. All those things, her partner should be interested in knowing and should desire to hear and respect.
Good faith partners start with individuals who, themselves, live with integrity. If you constantly feel like your partner is pushing back to hurt you, you need to see a therapist to see if it's the partner or actually you and your insecurities/perceptions/projections/judgments that's preventing you from showing up with authenticity to have a centered conversation.
Put yourself first.
For the nice guys' syndrome its (1) society's fault (2) families' fault.
Okay but, what do you do AFTER they deny you for sex? Just breakup with them on the spot?
Every single nice guy needs to take action on confrontation. They have to tell the woman what they want. My wife use to ask me what I wanted to eat and I always said food. Doesn’t matter to me what kind of fuel. I didn’t realize I was not being assertive enough. I didn’t realize I was being a nice guy. My marriage fell apart and I didn’t realize that my part of that was that I was being too nice to her and letting her have her way too much. I thought that was how you were supposed to treat a woman.
The reason I felt that way because my first marriage fell apart and it was because she was unhappy because I was too assertive. She said I was too controlling. That wasn’t the problem in that marriage. The problem was she was still in love with her ex-husband. She lied.
Don’t give them everything they want. You can still give them gifts periodically you can still give them birthday cards and things like that but just don’t overdo it. Tell her what you want. Be ready to walk away. Understand that you’re better off without her if you have to do that. And also there are other women out there. I’m 70 years old and they’re starting over. There are lots of women. My wife was 55 years old we divorced. I was 69.
And mostly it's not pushback or saying no, it's just a conversation. Oh, I'd love to make you asparagus but we ran out today. Would Broccoli be OK?
That's not a rejection. That's maturity.
I am a chronic nice guy while I like this quality it can use some tweeks.
I was the thousandth like
Easier to just stay single. The dating game I think is at its all time low. You be nice and you get screwed. Often they have nothing to bring to the table. It's all about what you can do for them.
Good vid
How about a video on stopping nice guy behavior towards women? Because I was a nice guy, and never learned to talk to women, now I am dead inside. Most nice guys don’t get girls so this video is good but what about the nice guys that are just invisible to women? What can we do t stop showing up as a nice guy? All I did was cut out all female friends and stop hanging around loser friends who won’t help you.
Still kinda unclear about the "exposure therapy". Perhaps it's because you unknowingly skipped the *zeroth* step - How do I figure out how to give myself permission to actually *HAVE* wants & desires?!? (Why yes, I've been this way since childhood, how could you tell?)
I'm a nice guy, works for me.
Yup, this is a buyers market. No longer shall nice guys heed to the demands of abusive women. From now on it's going to be the other way around or risk drying up those stale eggs.
"stop complaining, stop criticizing, stop judging".... That doesn't like being a nice guy. That sounds pretty abrasive, not nice.