💜 Please be aware of scammers impersonating Tim or the Tim Fletcher team! We do not provide any phone numbers in the comments and Tim does not chat privately with viewers. We will never ask you to join us on a messaging app. When in doubt, reach out to us via our website at timfletcher.ca. Stay safe and scam-aware. With Love, The Tim Fletcher Team.
I have never heard any therapist say exactly how I am like you did. I was raised jehovahs witness and the perfect child and now I'm 50 and hate everyone and resent my folks so much. You truly explained it
08:08 just explained my adaptation. I prefer to be invisible, that way I don't bother anyone and no one bothers me. I don't like to draw attention to myself, and I feel relief when I think if people just forget I exist, and then I call myself an introvert. and now I see it's not just a natural introversion. It's also a way of keeping myself out of my narcissistic father's sight, in order to not give them narcissistic supply. and up till now, I don't know how to do relationships. That maladaptation made me push everyone out of my life.I want to connect and make friends, but I still don't want to manipulate anyone to meet my needs. How do you get out of that? What would be the first step to get out of this hole? Thank you so much, Tim, for all you do! 💗
Sending you so much compassion and warmth 💕🫂 I resonate to your story. I would say first step…embrace those ‘rough’ parts of you…the manipulator, people pleaser, the one who feels shame, the one who feels pathetic, the one who doesn’t feel pride…embrace them because these aspects make you act out on them and we judge ourselves very harshly when we realize how we have behaved and then withdraw hardcore. Once you embrace that you have been through a lot, you’re flawed but you are genuine, and you will on many occasions step on toes and you will bother people and you will also be bothered by people as well, but that…you’re not alone, it’s life, it’s your authentic reaction and deep down you know you’ll resolve or own up to it with a trusted person. You may feel so embarrassed and goofy but you’ll start to see people are accepting of these parts of you that you judge and withhold from showing others that makes you disengage. And you’ll start to tell who around you is genuine to trust. Trust is a big one. It’s a scary leap of faith to fall into pain and hoping you’ll still be ok. I hope all this makes sense lol. I guess long story short…step one is acceptance of self, and trust of self. Your reflections make you a very special person and with your healing you’ll be such an amazing friend! You are very considerate and you have empathy. I hope you nurture that and I hope you find the strength to trust 🫂💕
Oh, the sweet sweet safety of being invisible. It's so hard to have relationships when every fiber of my body is screaming to disappear! I had an emotionally unstable father with anger issues, I had to learn to go invisible even when there was nowhere to hide. The world seems to be full of people seeking attention and I feel out of place because I'm just trying not to be noticed. I can only handle relationships where my role is clear and I can understand to value I bring. I have let so many friendships fall away because I didn't know what I was supposed to do. Having said all that, I have managed to have one dear friend. Someone that I can talk to about absolutely anything. He seemed lonely and sad, but friendly (I later learned that he was going through a divorce). I asked him to lunch. I learned that we had nothing in common, except that we were both lonely. And that was enough. Now we meet every week just to talk about our lives, to share and encourage each other. Have you forgiven yourself for pushing people away? And do you believe that someone out there wants to be your friend just because of who you are? Because it's true, not just someone but lots of people want a friend like you, and many of them are asking the same questions you are. Then start small. Give someone a chance. You might make a connection. And if not, that's not a reflection on you, that's just a different person with different needs. You are worthy of having good relationships, and there are people who will be lucky to know you! So keep taking little changes until a friendship sparks. The think with maladaptation it lies to us all day, every day. But we can learn not to listen as much.
My CPTSD is caused by rejection. And unfirtunately I am still getting rejected at 52. And every time I try to stand up for myself the other person gets angry at me - but they are the ones who are hurting me emotionally - I do what they want but they still get mad - and if I say something then they really get mad. And then they go into the "punishment silent mode". I just dont fit in anywhere. Still have 0 friends. But it started out with being forced to act like a perfectly behaving adult even before you start K as a "child should be seen and not heard". And rules are meant to be followed strictly (or youd get hit). So 0 socializing / talking at school as it was against school rules. Only got bullied + ostracized in school. Never was socialuzed before starting K either. Just one day tossed into a room of 35 kids and I was scared of other kids. Plus I was dressed in "odd" clothes too (but had no idea of that at the time).
When well meaning people would say this phrase to me, "You need to stand up for yourself", I would try to step out and become assertive. But it often came out in an angry way because I was so nervous and I didnt have the tools to do it appropriately. This caused me grief and pain which inturn I would adapt and keep quiet, thinking this was the safest thing to do. Thanks Tim for your helpful and empowering tools.
My parents will literally talk shit to my face blaming me for things they’ve done and out loud tell me they have no responsibility to make up for the damage they’ve done to me over years of neglect and abuse but when I tell them to stop putting their hands all over me with the false smiles they wear to lower my guard suddenly disappear and “they made me so they have the right to touch me” literally words. I’m ready to get a restraining order.
Sometimes it’s about food insecurity, plain & simple! Stories from the depression & many boomers my own age were about struggles to eat… then I saw it surface in my own nephews whose father abandoned them 💔
As a child I was branded as a REBEL, ANGRY, TANTRUM THROWING ALOOF child ... and i grew up believing i was all of these things! Now im realising the anger was a cry for getting some attention and the aloofness was disassociation to hide the pain of not feeling loved ... I made myself believe I WAS COOL STRONG DINT NEED LOVE ... only inside i must have really craved for connection.. Thankfully at the age of 45 I can finally see things more clearly ! Thank you Tim !
I used to be addicted to shopping and exercise, got myself in so much debt and have many injuries although in the past it was like I couldn't feel any physical pain but it's all caught up with me now I'm more healed.
I COMPLETELY assassinated myself in order to survive😳 I remember the time - it was a clear, decisive choice based on ‘go insane and be sectioned’ go disassociated and survive until you get out’ I deliberately choose the second (sectioned people seemed really badly damaged😳) I thought I would spring back resurrected once I escaped 🤦 but I had no idea😬 coping mechanisms are trauma. Coping mechanisms are anchors tying you back until you jettison them. I’m working on that now - 30yrs later🤦
Some of the best Comedians were formed from childhood trauma, Billy Connolly and Robin Williams for eg. God uses all of it and he accepts us in our unperfected abilities.
I am both sad and happy that I found Tim, sad own my own situation and things CT has done to me, as a soul will I ever be able to repair in this lifetime, coz I am NOT coming back to pay off my karma on this planter ever again never. Happy coz atleast now I know it was never my fault. I am a human who is looking for love, care, respect and honor. I have saved my son from this generational trauma hopefully coz I don’t have anything else left in my life. From the bottom of my heart I must say I am so so so great full to Tim. You are indeed the answer for my good karma and came to my life as savior.
Hi can you do a video on complex PTSD about living vicariously through other people. I see that is common and I have noticed a lot of people with complex trauma love to be nosey and care about what other people are saying or doing. I have noticed that intelligent people use gossip to talk about other people behind their back and laugh.. And less intelligent people use gossip to make friendly conversation with people .
I am 38 now. And all these things I have in me. I am working on it and it's really painful 😢. I am an alcoholic , lazy, frustrated , shy, strong in front of the weak people and weak in front of strong people. Very narvas in the crowd. Can't see in people's eyes 😂. I know all this coming from my trauma childhood. I got everything where it came from and how it's affecting my life. My question is now how can I come out of this situation. Suggestions!
As a parent who's pretty sure he's ruining his children, how do i tell the difference between a legitimate unmet need and an unreasonable reaction? (are we really supposed to "validate" all of our children's negative reponses to life?)
@@rationalevidence9095 Yes, you should always validate your child's "reactions" or emotions. They are always real, and they are children who are learning how to handle their emotions. You can validate their emotions, and help them work through them. You'll find that when you sit with your child and let them express their emotions, you listen to them, validate them...they will be better able to handle the emotion next time.
@@CuteTexasToads @rationalevidence9095 to add to that, emotions and reactions are separate. you can validate the emotion without approving a bad behaviour (reaction). Like, "I see you are angry and that's ok, but we do no hit when we are angry. We can express our anger by "
@@CuteTexasToads How many children do you have? I'm not sure how realistic that is if you have more than a few kids. It's hard to sit with more than 1 child at a time who are melting down because "who would have guessed bedtime happens EVERY night?" I try not to share personal details on the internet...but it takes more than 1 hand to count my kids.
@rationalevidence9095 I'm a single mom of two kids. I understand that you can only be in one place at a time. It's a job that never stops. I can't imagine how hard it would be to have over five children. My only advice is to understand that their emotional reactions are valid, and their being upset is not a punishable offense. They are learning how to handle their emotions. Be there when you can to help support them through it, and it will be easier for them to be alone with their emotions one day. When they are crying and melting down at bedtime, or because they want a cookie - it doesn't matter, they are truly feeling very strong upset emotions and they deserve our compassion while they learn how to deal. That doesn't mean they deserve the cookie or to skip bedtime - it just means we do what we can to give them a hug or some compassionate touch and soft words while they learn to calm. I think it was Gabore Mate who said "children are not traumatized because of the suffering, they are traumatized because they were ALONE with their suffering". Just be there for them when you can be, and I know it's frustrating as a parent, but try not to yell and have your own "tantrum' because they are having a tantrum. Children learn how to manage their emotions by watching how we manage our emotions. Hugs to you - you are doing a good job by even asking this question and working on it! It will get better!
Despite listening to these I still feel like a tangled mess. Do I really need to trace back every minor incident that happened to me to feel better? Won't that just reinforce a victim complex in me?
The thing is you must release from those suppressed emotions. Therapy helps with this. It also helps with reframing those event into an accurate light. And that helps you move forward
I am a graduate of several Berkeley Psychic Institutes programs. I spent about $20000 over the years. Since April 2022, unwillingly I got on a mental torturing system while unconscious, I paid extra $1000 to R Brewster as they requested over the phone. This system has been creating weird images n voices in my space except when I'm asleep. It's very dangerous as I involuntary dropping stuff in the kitchen n I was pushed by invisible hands while walking in public. They told me I should vent on a regular basis, I was told at times the system is a Russian spy training system that mostly protects only white and married graduates, as the Russian system dislikes unmarried minorities, especially single male lotus !! Pain & punishment from NL, TH, VMR etc, I have more evidence....., One of the main evidence is that the old BPI building sold to a Tibetan community!
Guilty of all three adaptations. …I also turned angry I just assumed and was also told I was just emotional due to puberty or I was rebelling and it was normal. And then dabbled with drugs a short while into my adolescence… feeing rather textbook which I don’t hate oddly enough. It’s almost refreshing not to feel like the odd man out. 🤔🤗
Omg.All of the above,only child alcoholic mom&me.I can relate to EVERYTHING you said.I guess when it is just you, you try everything?gone@13.humor still gets me through but hurts me also.learned’no’2 yrs ago.I ended up just relying on animals.still do.human animals are usually not trustworthy.for me@least.adapting always,like google maps.🥺
I am interested in knowing what percentage of families have children with complex trauma. I'm certain I have it. But looking around I see these traits in a lot of people....
And then there are the ones who split into many parts, D.I.D, the world isn't real, they aren't real, they are a ghost who doesn't even have the right to exist or breathe.
💜 Please be aware of scammers impersonating Tim or the Tim Fletcher team! We do not provide any phone numbers in the comments and Tim does not chat privately with viewers. We will never ask you to join us on a messaging app. When in doubt, reach out to us via our website at timfletcher.ca. Stay safe and scam-aware. With Love, The Tim Fletcher Team.
I have never heard any therapist say exactly how I am like you did. I was raised jehovahs witness and the perfect child and now I'm 50 and hate everyone and resent my folks so much. You truly explained it
08:08 just explained my adaptation. I prefer to be invisible, that way I don't bother anyone and no one bothers me. I don't like to draw attention to myself, and I feel relief when I think if people just forget I exist, and then I call myself an introvert. and now I see it's not just a natural introversion. It's also a way of keeping myself out of my narcissistic father's sight, in order to not give them narcissistic supply. and up till now, I don't know how to do relationships. That maladaptation made me push everyone out of my life.I want to connect and make friends, but I still don't want to manipulate anyone to meet my needs. How do you get out of that? What would be the first step to get out of this hole?
Thank you so much, Tim, for all you do! 💗
Sending you so much compassion and warmth 💕🫂 I resonate to your story. I would say first step…embrace those ‘rough’ parts of you…the manipulator, people pleaser, the one who feels shame, the one who feels pathetic, the one who doesn’t feel pride…embrace them because these aspects make you act out on them and we judge ourselves very harshly when we realize how we have behaved and then withdraw hardcore. Once you embrace that you have been through a lot, you’re flawed but you are genuine, and you will on many occasions step on toes and you will bother people and you will also be bothered by people as well, but that…you’re not alone, it’s life, it’s your authentic reaction and deep down you know you’ll resolve or own up to it with a trusted person. You may feel so embarrassed and goofy but you’ll start to see people are accepting of these parts of you that you judge and withhold from showing others that makes you disengage. And you’ll start to tell who around you is genuine to trust. Trust is a big one. It’s a scary leap of faith to fall into pain and hoping you’ll still be ok. I hope all this makes sense lol. I guess long story short…step one is acceptance of self, and trust of self. Your reflections make you a very special person and with your healing you’ll be such an amazing friend! You are very considerate and you have empathy. I hope you nurture that and I hope you find the strength to trust 🫂💕
Oh, the sweet sweet safety of being invisible. It's so hard to have relationships when every fiber of my body is screaming to disappear! I had an emotionally unstable father with anger issues, I had to learn to go invisible even when there was nowhere to hide. The world seems to be full of people seeking attention and I feel out of place because I'm just trying not to be noticed. I can only handle relationships where my role is clear and I can understand to value I bring. I have let so many friendships fall away because I didn't know what I was supposed to do.
Having said all that, I have managed to have one dear friend. Someone that I can talk to about absolutely anything. He seemed lonely and sad, but friendly (I later learned that he was going through a divorce). I asked him to lunch. I learned that we had nothing in common, except that we were both lonely. And that was enough. Now we meet every week just to talk about our lives, to share and encourage each other.
Have you forgiven yourself for pushing people away? And do you believe that someone out there wants to be your friend just because of who you are? Because it's true, not just someone but lots of people want a friend like you, and many of them are asking the same questions you are. Then start small. Give someone a chance. You might make a connection. And if not, that's not a reflection on you, that's just a different person with different needs. You are worthy of having good relationships, and there are people who will be lucky to know you! So keep taking little changes until a friendship sparks.
The think with maladaptation it lies to us all day, every day. But we can learn not to listen as much.
My CPTSD is caused by rejection. And unfirtunately I am still getting rejected at 52. And every time I try to stand up for myself the other person gets angry at me - but they are the ones who are hurting me emotionally - I do what they want but they still get mad - and if I say something then they really get mad. And then they go into the "punishment silent mode".
I just dont fit in anywhere. Still have 0 friends. But it started out with being forced to act like a perfectly behaving adult even before you start K as a "child should be seen and not heard". And rules are meant to be followed strictly (or youd get hit). So 0 socializing / talking at school as it was against school rules. Only got bullied + ostracized in school. Never was socialuzed before starting K either. Just one day tossed into a room of 35 kids and I was scared of other kids. Plus I was dressed in "odd" clothes too (but had no idea of that at the time).
Praying you find healing ❤
Trauma caused my issues and more trauma is helping me resolve them. Faith, and understanding is the rest of it. Thank God for the good and the bad.
When well meaning people would say this phrase to me, "You need to stand up for yourself", I would try to step out and become assertive. But it often came out in an angry way because I was so nervous and I didnt have the tools to do it appropriately.
This caused me grief and pain which inturn I would adapt and keep quiet, thinking this was the safest thing to do.
Thanks Tim for your helpful and empowering tools.
Wow!
Yep, I can totaly relate 😓
Thank you Tim! You speak with such clarity
I have a 56 year old mask too. You deserve better, please keep letting yourself heal. ❤
My parents will literally talk shit to my face blaming me for things they’ve done and out loud tell me they have no responsibility to make up for the damage they’ve done to me over years of neglect and abuse but when I tell them to stop putting their hands all over me with the false smiles they wear to lower my guard suddenly disappear and “they made me so they have the right to touch me” literally words. I’m ready to get a restraining order.
Sometimes it’s about food insecurity, plain & simple! Stories from the depression & many boomers my own age were about struggles to eat… then I saw it surface in my own nephews whose father abandoned them 💔
As a child I was branded as a REBEL, ANGRY, TANTRUM THROWING ALOOF child ... and i grew up believing i was all of these things!
Now im realising the anger was a cry for getting some attention and the aloofness was disassociation to hide the pain of not feeling loved ...
I made myself believe I WAS COOL STRONG DINT NEED LOVE ... only inside i must have really craved for connection..
Thankfully at the age of 45 I can finally see things more clearly !
Thank you Tim !
what did you try ?
It isn't soul murder; it's soul burial. Your soul is immortal.
What about people like me who would shop or ride my bike for 9 hours every day ? I was just totally dissociated.
8:07 he covered this too
I used to be addicted to shopping and exercise, got myself in so much debt and have many injuries although in the past it was like I couldn't feel any physical pain but it's all caught up with me now I'm more healed.
I COMPLETELY assassinated myself in order to survive😳 I remember the time - it was a clear, decisive choice based on ‘go insane and be sectioned’ go disassociated and survive until you get out’ I deliberately choose the second (sectioned people seemed really badly damaged😳) I thought I would spring back resurrected once I escaped 🤦 but I had no idea😬 coping mechanisms are trauma. Coping mechanisms are anchors tying you back until you jettison them. I’m working on that now - 30yrs later🤦
Some of the best Comedians were formed from childhood trauma, Billy Connolly and Robin Williams for eg. God uses all of it and he accepts us in our unperfected abilities.
I am both sad and happy that I found Tim, sad own my own situation and things CT has done to me, as a soul will I ever be able to repair in this lifetime, coz I am NOT coming back to pay off my karma on this planter ever again never.
Happy coz atleast now I know it was never my fault.
I am a human who is looking for love, care, respect and honor.
I have saved my son from this generational trauma hopefully coz I don’t have anything else left in my life.
From the bottom of my heart I must say I am so so so great full to Tim. You are indeed the answer for my good karma and came to my life as savior.
The results of all this
1. Anxiety/ depression
2. Drugs
3. Sex addicts
4. Porn addicts
5. Anorexia/ bulimia
And on and on and on
Hi can you do a video on complex PTSD about living vicariously through other people. I see that is common and I have noticed a lot of people with complex trauma love to be nosey and care about what other people are saying or doing. I have noticed that intelligent people use gossip to talk about other people behind their back and laugh.. And less intelligent people use gossip to make friendly conversation with people .
I shared this one!!! Thanks so much
I am 38 now. And all these things I have in me. I am working on it and it's really painful 😢. I am an alcoholic , lazy, frustrated , shy, strong in front of the weak people and weak in front of strong people. Very narvas in the crowd. Can't see in people's eyes 😂. I know all this coming from my trauma childhood. I got everything where it came from and how it's affecting my life. My question is now how can I come out of this situation. Suggestions!
As a parent who's pretty sure he's ruining his children, how do i tell the difference between a legitimate unmet need and an unreasonable reaction? (are we really supposed to "validate" all of our children's negative reponses to life?)
@@rationalevidence9095 Yes, you should always validate your child's "reactions" or emotions. They are always real, and they are children who are learning how to handle their emotions. You can validate their emotions, and help them work through them. You'll find that when you sit with your child and let them express their emotions, you listen to them, validate them...they will be better able to handle the emotion next time.
Therapy is a fantastic thing. If you aren't sure, get someone to help who can look from the outside in.
@@CuteTexasToads @rationalevidence9095 to add to that, emotions and reactions are separate. you can validate the emotion without approving a bad behaviour (reaction). Like, "I see you are angry and that's ok, but we do no hit when we are angry. We can express our anger by "
@@CuteTexasToads How many children do you have? I'm not sure how realistic that is if you have more than a few kids. It's hard to sit with more than 1 child at a time who are melting down because "who would have guessed bedtime happens EVERY night?" I try not to share personal details on the internet...but it takes more than 1 hand to count my kids.
@rationalevidence9095 I'm a single mom of two kids. I understand that you can only be in one place at a time. It's a job that never stops. I can't imagine how hard it would be to have over five children. My only advice is to understand that their emotional reactions are valid, and their being upset is not a punishable offense. They are learning how to handle their emotions. Be there when you can to help support them through it, and it will be easier for them to be alone with their emotions one day. When they are crying and melting down at bedtime, or because they want a cookie - it doesn't matter, they are truly feeling very strong upset emotions and they deserve our compassion while they learn how to deal. That doesn't mean they deserve the cookie or to skip bedtime - it just means we do what we can to give them a hug or some compassionate touch and soft words while they learn to calm. I think it was Gabore Mate who said "children are not traumatized because of the suffering, they are traumatized because they were ALONE with their suffering". Just be there for them when you can be, and I know it's frustrating as a parent, but try not to yell and have your own "tantrum' because they are having a tantrum. Children learn how to manage their emotions by watching how we manage our emotions. Hugs to you - you are doing a good job by even asking this question and working on it! It will get better!
Thank you. 🐝
@ is that like 10-4 good buddy what’s 3673 ?
@ what does that mean?
@ what does that mean?
Despite listening to these I still feel like a tangled mess. Do I really need to trace back every minor incident that happened to me to feel better? Won't that just reinforce a victim complex in me?
The thing is you must release from those suppressed emotions. Therapy helps with this. It also helps with reframing those event into an accurate light. And that helps you move forward
@rafeeqwarfield9690 Can adhd be caused by complex trauma in your opinion?
@@beesmongeese2978 yes absolutely. Many studies have linkage between the two
@@beesmongeese2978 Scattered Minds by Gabor Maté might be an interesting book for you 🤔
no but the major once
I am a graduate of several Berkeley Psychic Institutes programs. I spent about $20000 over the years. Since April 2022, unwillingly I got on a mental torturing system while unconscious, I paid extra $1000 to R Brewster as they requested over the phone. This system has been creating weird images n voices in my space except when I'm asleep. It's very dangerous as I involuntary dropping stuff in the kitchen n I was pushed by invisible hands while walking in public. They told me I should vent on a regular basis, I was told at times the system is a Russian spy training system that mostly protects only white and married graduates, as the Russian system dislikes unmarried minorities, especially single male lotus !! Pain & punishment from NL, TH, VMR etc, I have more evidence....., One of the main evidence is that the old BPI building sold to a Tibetan community!
Guilty of all three adaptations. …I also turned angry I just assumed and was also told I was just emotional due to puberty or I was rebelling and it was normal. And then dabbled with drugs a short while into my adolescence… feeing rather textbook which I don’t hate oddly enough. It’s almost refreshing not to feel like the odd man out. 🤔🤗
Omg.All of the above,only child alcoholic mom&me.I can relate to EVERYTHING you said.I guess when it is just you, you try everything?gone@13.humor still gets me through but hurts me also.learned’no’2 yrs ago.I ended up just relying on animals.still do.human animals are usually not trustworthy.for me@least.adapting always,like google maps.🥺
It says “3 replies” but cannot access? Weird.
I am interested in knowing what percentage of families have children with complex trauma. I'm certain I have it. But looking around I see these traits in a lot of people....
@@pioshelby7611 After going through Lift program and studying with Tim for a few years, I’m convinced its 100%
And then there are the ones who split into many parts, D.I.D, the world isn't real, they aren't real, they are a ghost who doesn't even have the right to exist or breathe.
@@annemurphy8074 I live with d.i.d. , I have many parts to me.
I know about D.I.D. I have lived in it for as long as I can remember. I have come a long way yet I still have a way to go.
@@SuLawnAs do I.
@@SuLawnIt's very difficult. We have hundreds in our system and are trying so hard to heal together.
@@JackieFerrell-f6o We hear you.
idk if i feel seen, called out, or both. I think those are actually the same thing to me.
Gd insights
I am in a marriage where I feel like I have to murder my soul in order to stay
What happens when they become an adult? They become like me…😟
no
.
This guy...
Extremely called out right now. 🫂🫂🫂👌