my body image is changing & i don't like it | closing 20s confessions
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- Опубліковано 4 жов 2024
- i haven't been looking like i was taught i should look like! OOPS!!! SORRY SOCIETY!!!!!
i always love when youtubers leave lil personal notes in the description of their videos so i'm gonna do one, too. in expressing the supposed "ugliness" i've been facing i've found a lot of openness and adjustment. ultimately these concerns, while ostensibly externalized on my body, are intensely internal. no one mentions the blemishes on my skin but me... i'm creating some of my own suffering by projecting that they consider my "faults" even 1/10 as much as i do. i don't do a lot of structural analysis in this vlog it's mainly a struggle i get off my chest in a moment of clarity but know that you can blame so many profit centers around you for insecurity!! they want you to feel this way!! you not feeling this way is powerfully resistive!
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I note confidence, intelligence, and kindness can make a person who looks kinda goofy by social standards, into a very attractive person.
👆
REAL AND TRUE AND HISTORICAL
I did low-dose Accutane at 28 after Tretinoin wasn't cutting it, and it was so life changing for me. Having non-painful, acne-free skin now means that all that space in my brain that used to be caught up thinking about my skin is now free to focus on things that actually matter. Acne is a medical condition, not just cosmetic, so I am so happy I sought medical treatment in that way!
"when you come to terms with your own physical differences, you are less judgmental of others"
Truthhhhh. Less judgement about yourself breeds less judgement on others
So weird how I read this at the exact moment Katherine was saying it in the video
I love your brain! This is so relatable and I appreciate your vulnerability
🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻
thinking about how the way I look is a mix of my ancestors’ faces is one of my favorite ways to reframe how I look at myself
Oh that's so good! 😍
I've been really trying to reframe what is attractive in my mind, like trying as much as I can to look at supposed 'flaws' (like acne, or fat in certain places, etc) and actually go through the motion of being like 'but why is it unattractive?' and the thought process has actually helped me a lot. I have really fat upper arms, and obviously that is generally seen as something to 'fix', but when I look at them now I think they actually look fine, like its literally just an expanse of skin lmao. I don't experience acne, but some of the most attractive people I know do, and when I look at their skin I think it's genuinely gorgeous, it's interesting and colourful, and makes me want to look at them and take in their whole face. You're so right about acceptance being the ultimate goal
would lovvvve to feel the way about my acne that i do about my freckles!
I really resonate with the "social media gave me insecurities I didn't know existed" problem! Fully quitting TikTok and Instagram two years ago began a period of true healing with my body image. Distance from all the beauty-related content on these platforms provided the space I needed to really see my body, face, hair, etc. for what it is! I'm living in a human body that's just doing its thing. And it's a body that is treasured by people I actually know, who actually love me for real, and to whom in return, I love without regard for the clarity of their skin or the style of their hair!
Major health problems. Cancer. Watching my child fight for his life. Sadly it took those things to help me detach my strive for health from my physical appearance. It pops up still. I have a milia on my eyelid that bother me sometimes and then I think “Oh yeah, who cares.”
I’m 48 and wish I had fixed this when I was your age…so keep digging!!
there’s no emoji for shovel but ⛏️⛏️⛏️
the skin folder is soooo real - acne is emotionally and physically a lot to deal with
jeeeez I feel this so much. When I've gone through issues with my skin I just hate how much more I focus on my appearance --- I just want to not think about myself at all, but the pain (FEELING it on my face) and the whole whirlwind around skincare, buying things, covering it up (or not), having issues with how products sit on your skin, wanting your skin to breathe, wanting NO ONE including yourself to be distracted by it whether because you were trying to cover it up and it's not working or because you're not covering it up.... it just makes me think about it all so much more --- and thinking about myself when being around other people is the last thing I want to do. And, of course, on top of all of that feeling guilty for feeling frustrated, sad, and absorbed in your appearance. really really really empathize. and products take a while to take effect... etc ETC ETC.
sigh I guess exercise has helped me with this? I know it's a common thing to have thrown out there! but I think (for me) the overall endorphins and "ah I did that" can help me feel at home in my body again and more than just a head with acne HAHAHA. and doing something where I know I'll get sweaty and red and leaning into the messiness of it can be helpful for me.
sending love to anyone out there struggling!!!
i’m nevvvvver thinking about my appearance when i’m swimming or paddleboarding or biking they’re very much all things that deprioritize vanity!
i mean this in the least weird way possible, you have the most beautiful eyebrows i have ever seen and i am always admiring them in videos. love your content, i hope things will get easier.
Adding this to my personal growth / change playlist. I know that I will revisit it later. Thank you for expressing this.
“It just doesn’t feel like the time I spend on it (vanity) gives much back to me” makes me want to cry:(. Yes.
thank you for posting this! sometimes it’s weirdly comforting to hear about others insecurities because you realize that you rarely ever notice them or think about them in the same critical way. it’s just an attribute someone has, not positive or negative. it gives me hope that others may not notice my insecurities that plague my mind constantly.
it’s so hard not to be self critical about your appearance but when i notice myself taking too many glances in the mirror, taking too long to get ready, getting stressed about people seeing me, i try to tell my self it literally doesn’t matter and no one actually cares! everyone is already preoccupied with their own inner self critic
i’d also suggest that you try and stop taking pictures of your acne progress and looking back at those photos. body checking is something that really triggers my insecurity and makes me very focused and hyperaware of my appearance. i used to do the same type of thing with weighing myself daily and taking videos of my body to see how i am perceived or to see the “progress” im making. it has been so freeing not having to look at myself with such a critical lens everyday. i dont let a number on the scale or how my clothes fit dictate my happiness anymore (it always creeps up but not as frequently)
I have cleft lip and palate so my face has always looked very different. Over the last few years I have made a pintrest board full of various people who arent heavily glamorized. Some with scars (and cleft lip like me), some with scoliosis (also like me lol), some who are heavily wrinkles ect. I look at this board regularly as an exercise of body nuetrality to equalize all the unattainable photos we see day to day and remind me what people actually look like. Doing this has built a strong ability to appreciate the beauty of features we don't typically call such.
Its also helpful to seek out photos of people flaunting their scars. I specifically follow a lot of face equality tags.
I detach myself from my physical appearance by accepting the fact that this is how God made me. 💖
OKKKKK SPIRITUAL GAINS
Hello Katherine, well i think you are wonderful the way you are. We all feel insecurities deep down, and its definitely tough getting older forsure. As long as you feel happy with yourself and that you are making progress with yourself, that is all that matters. Very good video!
i recently shaved my head and felt weird about it at first and started telling myself that my appearance is "none of my business" and i gotta say, it's been revolutionary
I don't have any mirrors in my bedroom and would definitely recommend it - just a more peaceful way to live and stops you being conscious of your appearance all the time
I have chronic eczema and can really relate to your feelings of vanity. I have spent a lot of time fixating on my appearance and i used to hate how I looked becuase of my skin. I'm a lot kinder to myself now and things that have helped are a CRAZY amount of self compassion and prioritising the other ways my body is amazing, other than just surface level appearance, like how I can exercise and do sports or how it can heal after an injury etc. I have loads of appreciation for my body it does so much for me, I just gotta spend more time and effort looking after it than the average person :)
Another absolute masterpiece confessional that is so deeply relatable. Thank you so much for your work, I look forward to every single video you put out! ❤
my thoughts exactly
Skin is so tricky because as women, our bodies go through hormonal fluctuations as we age. And it’s not uncommon to have a flare up in your mid to late 20s. I struggled with this in my mid 20s and red light and near-infrared LED really helped me in addition to doing very long oil cleanses and using oil-based moisturizers. You can also add a physical exfoliater to your routine as well! I love the RANAVAT
Imperial Glow Smoothing Facial Polish! Kristina Holey + Marie Veronique and Monstary also have incredible boutiquey product lines for acne-prone skin that I couldn’t recommend more!
It’s very accurate that giving focus to bettering something in ourselves opens up insecurity about it. Many many people who lose weight are more insecure than when they were heavier. So many eating disorders are born out of focusing on gains in the gym or in diet.
Evolutionarily, I think a preoccupation with one's appearance was/is adaptive because for so long appearance was like a proxy for health and good genes. And we crave to be part of "the group" or just belong to some kind of collection. And so we probably evolved to have a high concern with being well liked and of course outer beauty is just one easy thing people tend to like a lot.
the invention of mirrors ruined us… before we could only assess our appearance via others’ reactions and the occasional pool
i honestly think appearance has always mattered, but it's a bigger thing today than before. i think the more you know ppl the less "neutrally" you see their physical appearance, but rather you see them as the whole person they are, and for most of history we were in small groups were everyone knew each other for all their lives. now there's lots of ppl who are only acquaintances, and for that appearances matter more.
Thank you for sharing this. We are our biggest critics. I try telling myself this daily because I am harsh on my skin as well.
I’ve been thinking about this topic a lot lately. I’ve been working jobs my whole twenties where attractiveness mattered so much. I’m so over it. It used to be fun for me to dress up, spend extra time on my make up and I heavily relied on getting compliments from others. Now I’m 28 and I couldn’t care less about that. I want to be comfortable, feel true to myself and have clothes that are low maintenance, as my adhd can’t handle anything else. My mom always used to say when I was younger that it’s important to have a job where your appearance isn’t the most important thing. I just hate that she was right lol.
your vulnerability helps many be vulnerable themselves, including myself!
THANK YOU! thank you thank you thank you for your thoughts. found myself smiling calmly and knowingly throughout this vid :) thanks for discovering and revealing and sharing in this journey that we're all collectively on!!!
The skin folder!!! Yes!😂 I have different ones for different years. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and coming to this video as you are. It is so validating to me to see someone online with skin like mine. And so valuable to hear your reflections/insights🫶
Ur not alone girl I also have a skin folder
I know how you feel. I’m a perfectionist and it affects my vanity and all that. I’m 41 and still struggling with it, even more than my 30’s because I feel like I morphed into a middle aged soccer mom hag on the night of my 40th birthday (but I am aware enough that this is all in my head…). Anyway… when I was in my late teens and 20’s I had a lot of acne and my magic cure was oregano oil capsules. 1-2 a day and it cleared right up. I turned a lot of people onto it as well. If it doesn’t have adverse effects with anything else you take you should definitely try it.
really glad you’re here i luvvvv hearing the wisdom of ppl in their 40s
I can’t stop recommending Jessica DeFino’s substack The Review of Beauty. Her writing has totally challenged my relationship to beauty and the beauty industry.
buzzing my head helped me heal my relationship with vanity soooo much! made me realize nooo one cares about my appearance even a fraction as much as i do. i think i need to do it again
Katherine, I know exactly how you feel as someone who struggled with the most debilitating, raging cystic acne up until I was 25. Thankfully, it was at it's worst during the height of the pandemic so there wasn't as much socializing and I wasn't working at the time. But it absolutely destroyed my self-confidence and I don't think it is vain at all to be concerned with how your skin looks (I too still have the album on my phone of all my progress pics). I ended up going on Accutane during 2022 and whilst I know it's not right for everyone, it did clear my skin and made a significant impact on feeling confident again. I honestly rarely think about my skin anymore and almost never wear make up now - I will never take my (mostly) clear skin for granted.
As you said - however - new health/aging/appearance concerns will take it's place. For example, I am pretty convinced that Accutane impacted my digestion and also made me develop hirsutism (excess hair) on my chest.... so yeah, idk what the answer is to all this. There will always something else to focus on and worry about, even after your skin heals. That being said, acne was by far the most all-consuming because it was visible to everyone around me. Just want to say hang in there and everything you are feeling is 100% valid
My advice as a formerly conventional beautiful woman who became unconventionally beautiful upon losing all of my hair on my body at 20 years old: Don't just "accept" your looks differences, that did not work for me for a very long time. Instead, ask yourself... why isn't it BETTER that i have these differences (acne, hair loss) than when I didn't or if i didn't? and change the narrative in your head to focusing on the POSITIVES of this difference. I think that feeling beautiful IS important for us particularly if you are in a romantic relationship. Neglecting to truly embrace our looks at all stages of our lives means neglecting the inherent beauty we ALL have whether conventional or not and we can feel when we reject ourselves. We become less confident. Ignoring our looks was not the solution for me. Also accept that you might still want to change how you look if you could (I would have my hair back if I could) but that does not change the deep power, resilience, courage that you have by loving and embracing where you are at right now. Pretending to believe we will all become zen masters of our appearances only makes us crazy (it made me crazy because I was lying to myself and deep down I knew it).
So in summary my advice to be less image centric and accept yourself is to:
1. Remind yourself as often as possibly that "you are more than your looks". Society might believe you aren't but YOU KNOW the truth. Be subversive. Society doesn't have all the answers but YOU have this answer.
2. Focus on why your X difference is BETTER than not having your X difference. For me as a bald woman that meant I don't have to shave, I spend less time showering, spend less money on haircuts and hair products, on a more creative level it means I can wear whatever wigs for costumes I want and it looks seamless, I can draw unique eyebrows on if I wanted, I can do body painting on my body and my head. On a deeper level it means I have become more confident on a deeper level, more resilient, have faced and overcome a lot of my former body image and mental health issues I had when I flew under the radar as a "conventionally attractive woman" and I understand and accept others differences more and am a voice for others with physical differences as an artist.
3. Focus on accepting your complex nature. You will have good days and bad days and I don't think anyone, even the least body-centric people on earth don't have good days and bad days in regards to their looks. There's nothing wrong with this, it often is just an indicator we are not self caring well enough (ie. we need to sleep, eat, rest, relax, take a break, socialize, do something fun, etc) but also it could just be a fleeting experience and sometimes we must accept discomfort.
LOL I've never related to anything so hard about having an acne folder. But the tret purge doesn't last forever, so please stay strong! But on the real, focusing on things that I love like throwing pottery or going on hikes helps a lot. Like focusing more on all of the things that your body is capable of and have nothing to do with what it looks like is very empowering.
Also, it's okay to be vain! When I was going through it acne wise, I tried to focus more on my fashion and the clothing I was wearing so that I felt better about myself.
One thing that’s helped me practice acceptance of myself in times I’m tempted to find a quick fix to change something about my appearance is to look up the health implications of something- and if there are chemicals that could be harmful to my health I steer clear of them. It gives me (a little) peace of mind knowing that I’ve made a choice to choose myself as-is. It’s not perfect, gosh there are so many things I wish I could change, but the “I’ve made an educated decision” feeling helps my anxiety around my appearance. Thank you for sharing your journey with this!
I wish I had let myself cry watching this. I don't know why I didn't. I keep photos of my acne too. A friend once suggested I go on birth control to help, but I was too scared. I use Tretinoin. As a 31 year old girl I get it mostly on my cheeks and jawline now, but when I was a teen I used to get it on my T zone (nose and forehead).
Thank you for sharing this, as someone who feels like that's all people look at on my face, and who worries about it keeping me single, (yet I've been attracted to numerous people with even more acne ironically), I feel hugged. Thank you for reminding me that beauty and love run skin deep, underneath. And for the record, you've always been more than gorgeous to me Kath, body, face, and personality. 🌼
I just detached from social media and observed really people outside, people i meet on the street, at bars, shops... Everyone looks so different in their own way, and people outside are not all suoermodels, tall, perfect hair, skinny... They just look normal. Not being on social media helped me a lot and i feel so detached now from Beauty, Beauty standards... I choose my own style, what i like most without being influenced... I feel free and i can focus on the things that matter most for me. I want to work on my personality and character more than my body. I have a lot of things i want to work on, on my personality
Woah, I resonate so much with this. Thanks for being open ❤
I went through many years of what was probably clinical body dysmorphia after a series of bad tattoos that left me feeling like I had ruined my body. I went through years of laser tattoo removal. But honestly, the only thing that truly fixed the issue was getting older and not caring anymore (I’m now 41). It was pretty difficult to get to that mindset at a younger age because there was much more pressure to achieve some impossible idea of physical perfection.
yessss i’d rather not pay for treatments i’d rather just release
I have a folder on my phone tracking my skin over time! 🤚
In moments like these I wish commenting was possible through a voice recording as I have so much to say. I’m not normally one to comment, but because you actively asked for the insight of others, whether on a similar journey or one vastly different, I wanted to share. What stood out to me most in this video was your mention of people watching or taking in content from those considered to be influences based on their physical appearance and how that may model or will be a mirror to our own. The statement made me pause in my tracks. I was genuinely shocked when I think about what I consume although I am only a UA-cam user and have no other social media on my phone or devices, I do not see a reflection of my own physical and outward appearance in my subscriptions or on my general homepage. I’m now thinking perhaps this is rare, my reasons for clicking on a video are for insight, for creativity, for escapism for travel, for inspiration and more. Just a little snippet into the mind of someone else which I hope brings some peace when we sometimes get trapped in the spirals of our own. I hope this journey becomes easier for you and I’m sending gentle love your way - celine x
there are sooooo many features i wish youtube would introduce in a comment section including voice messages. that would be so sweet to hear you articulate it!
i appreciate you dispelling this lil myth i have about why people click! sometimes i feel glad that people don’t watch for my looks but my lowest self is like uhhh is that because i don’t have the right one??
Omg voice memo comments would be sick
@@Katherout cause our brains are just “fun” like that sometimes
I don't think that "being vain" and caring about your appearance is inherently bad, but there's a very sudden drop into low self-esteem, obsession, and other unhealthy states that happen alongside it. And there's so much toxicity out there telling people "if you have this trait it's ugly" and whatnot. I really think that while there's always going to be some sort of social "beauty standard", we should try to check ourselves in kind of continuing that cycle.
Also, I haven't always taken care of my appearance at all. I have had a lot of struggles with depression in the past that made it really hard to keep up with it or even want to. I'm talking basic hygiene, cleanliness, etc, not even just attractiveness or anything. I basically was very far in the non-obsessive or vain side of the spectrum, and I would absolutely be talking shit about myself in my head (and sometimes out loud...). I think it's interesting looking back because I'm in such a better place now (thanks, therapy/meds/TMS) and now I feel like I have a generally healthy relationship with my appearance. I still have my moments, but I've kind of just said "fuck it" and just worked on what was authentically important to me and not worried so much about the rest.
Authentic self-expression is really what I think should be prioritized. But there's so much beauty content and comparisons and toxicity out there that I feel like a lot of people don't even know what is authentic for them. Trends come and maybe they connect with you but the next day you're hearing "that's outdated/ugly, now this is in style" and then you're feeling negative and/or connecting with something totally different. It's so confusing, and it's so difficult to untangle all these conflicting ideas and find what's actually authentic to you.
My most helpful reminder is that I’m allowed to look human. As women I think so much of our humanity is taken away from us because there’s an expectation that we can’t just look the way our natural bodies look. We have to “prepare” our bodies and selves to be palatable. And this may be obvious but taking a break from the skin folder. You can still track how it looks but analyzing every small detail of our pictures is another way we strip ourselves of our own humanity.
I took photos weekly with tretinoin. The purge is bad but once it’s over it’s great! If it’s too strong for you, try Differin from the drug store first. Because I used that for 6ish months prior to tretinoin, it was a quick purge for me.
So many things in nature have interesting patterns and textures. I am part of nature and it makes sense for my skin to have variable patterns and textures too. Maybe my textured skin can be beautiful like a speckled rough rock. Why not? Or perhaps like a tree branch?
One that I like in particular is my stretch marks look the way that clouds sometimes do when they streak across the sky.
The words I use have a lot of power for me.
“Better/worse” compared to “more/less textured” feel different. the latter feels more neural and descriptive.
Some books that helped me include the “The body is not an apology” and “brilliant imperfection”
I wouldn’t say I’m all the way to self love but I feel really at home in my body. A recent achievement is finding mg cellulite cute.
I’m aware of the power of pretty privilege and thin privilege but I’ve come to accept that the cost/benefit analysis wins out in favor of self love.
Therapy also helps a lot, particularly challenging my core negative beliefs. Lessening these lessens my negative views of my appearance.
If I believe I’m good enough just as I am, the desire to become or change loses appeal.
i appreciate your thoughts in this!!
For me, my early 30’s have been a time of letting vanity go. I worked at it in the beginning, but then it just sort of dissolved. Which is good timing, since now, at nearly 33, I’m starting to notice visible signs of aging. When I think about the way I used to obsess over how one set of eyelashes doesn’t curl as well as the other, or a random freckle on my chest. I just don’t feel that way anymore. I think it just passes as you age, maybe. It did for me at least.
Loved seeing you skate! 🛼🛼 and thanks for being vulnerable and authentic. I feel acceptance when I spend time in nature and away from my phone, mirrors and other people to compare myself to. Focusing on my hobbies and the sense of personal accomplishment that goes with it also helps 😊
omg that was actually my friend helen!! i’d love to skate that well
@@Katherout me too! That’s sick
Personally, my work has never been tied to my appearance. Or if it has, it was barely noticeable to me. I think having jobs where your ‘attractiveness’ isn’t a factor is very helpful in detaching from the vanity. At one point I worked at a hospital, and as silly as a reminder as it is, seeing people who can’t use their body for utility and knowing that you can is a good way to try and look past the vanity . If that’s what you feel like is holding you back.
service work is always a reframing experience
I also have a skin folder on my phone (been getting acne since 4TH GRADE, currently 25)…. But every time my skin goes through a “better” cycle I end up deleting the older pictures because I just hate looking at them so much. I know I shouldn’t from the perspective of being compassionate towards myself and even from a having-data-points perspective, but that’s where I’m at lol. I try not to do generally that for photos I don’t like and just “hide” them from view but it def depends
Loved this, as per usual!
I had a scar on my stomach and it was bothering me so much, I was looking for treatments to make it disappear. Then, I had chickenpox at 22, recently, which left me with too many scars including my stomach. So I decided that it is a lost battle to try to be pretty
i've been struggling with this soooo much!! I've had hormonal acne for the last like 10+ years and it's shocking how much the state of my skin directly influences my self confidence, even when I thought I had developed a better sense of self and was largely fine with being make up free most days,,,that's until I have another huge flare up and just crumble lol. For me there's always this feeling of "not reaching my potential" attached to my physical appearance and almost a sense of guilt, as if I owe someone a particular expression of beauty just because I looked a certain way before so I must now uphold that "standard" of my looks?? It's all very strange and I hate how much of my mental real estate it all takes up because surely I could use that energy I spend trying to fix my body or worry about other people's judgements in better ways lmao
omfg yes really resonating with the previously held standard that we feel compelled to uphold 😵💫
For women, it's all about body image. For men, it's all about economic image. As decreed by our medieval christian priest overlords.
I've found that spending less time around mirrors and with social media, and more time connecting with your loved ones, nature, whatever fills your cup deprioritizes vanity. Have you ever been backpacking for a week? By the end of it, you do not care AT ALL about your appearance.
I healed my cystic acne in 2018 after switching from the pill to an IUD (still waiting to see if my skin will break out again post-IUD that was removed in October 2022) after being told by a dermatologist that I'd have to be on the pill until menopause to fix my skin - not true! I took spironolactone for 3-4 months with an herb called DIM Detox. Your skin is usually a direct reflection of your hormones/gut - maybe it'd be wise to get both of those checked?
Low glycemic diet can be good for acne.
I was always ugly. Edit: part of my issue is being nonbinary, though.
Trying to balance my gender dysphoria-
inspired wardrobe and hair with my desire to...find a caring kind person to do adult stuff with.
🫶
I went vegan and got rid of most of my zits. Got rid of fried foods, as well.
I think you could still eat the occasional fish or chicken, but fried foods should barely make it into your diet.
If you want to dry your face out dramatically, try hibiclens as a facial wash. Or any soap with antibacterial properties-
antibacterial dish detergent is another try.
Edit: vitamin E oil seems to make the scars and the dry, crinkly parts of me look better.
YMMV.
Sorry, did you just recommend antibacterial DISH detergent as a face wash option for someone with sensitive, acne-prone skin currently dealing with active breakouts? … um ?! please don’t do that or recommend that to anyone. Yikes.
@@a.laddinsane
Ok. It worked for me, though.
Yes, I have a folder for skin! And for hair to track hair loss 🥲
I am also mot v happy with my skin at the moment 🫤 i think its probs most sleep deprivation/possibly hornonal or age changes since having a baby, or climate etc change since back to Aus (after 3 years in Sg). Not quite sure how to approach. And doesnt bother me that much, only really think of it for 20 secs when i look in the mirror.
I gained 50 pounds and my body image has completely changed 🫠