“When your wife reaches over and touches your leg and you don’t flinch,” and he kind of laughs and says, “how did you know?” That just broke my heart for him!
As someone who has an ACES score of 7, I needed this call. Dennis is so strong. He’s done what I only hope to be able to one day do. He’s put in so much work to break that cycle. Hats off to you, Dennis. 👏🏼
Out of curiosity how old are you? Also for how long have you been on a mental health/ emotional health healing journey? I'm 34 and have been working on my own healing journey for somewhere between 21 years and idk 6 years depending on how you look at the start of it all lol... but I also have an aces score of kinda 7 if you squint or definitely 6. I was on the borderline of a 7th one. I wish you luck. I'm excited to be a good parent to foster children one day soon, I'm pretty sure I'm emotionally ready to start trying I just an not financially stable enough nor have I found a good life partner who is far enough past their own traumas. There's so much hurt out there, I've found.
Also a 10 ACEs score. It literally affects every part of your existence until you face it and change the trajectory of your life. Even then, the scars of the trauma linger. This caller is a brave soul! He’s making the change!
I’m not sure I even have an ACES score. But when John interrupted the guy and said he was proud of him for changing his family tree, I teared up. That is just an amazing thing that guy has done!
Wow!! I needed this caller to ask this question. Thank you! My three kid’s have triggered me soo many times and have forced so much healing to happen. But I’m still navigating through the trauma. And have moments when I take that elevator ride to God knows where too. Praying this gentleman finds the peace and happiness he deserves. ❤️
Wow, just.. wow. My heart was both aching for this caller and cheering for his courage to make his family better than what he went through. His courage and struggle brought continual tears to my eyes. And Dr. John always validated him, treated him with the utmost respect. I can say enough good about how this was handled. ❤
Thank you for this! After having my daughter who looks like my twin brough out all of the Trauma memories from my family. I was in therapy for 10 years MDR saved my life. I have always been open to my kids when they ask but kept it age appropriate. Being jelous of the life my daughter has they I didn't has been an issue for me. Listening to John has helped a lot!
I cannot believe how much I related to this call. My score is the same. When I pull up to the light I leave space too, when I’m in a full room with people I too clock out. The relation this guy and I have, WOW
Dennis is so amazing! I wish the best for him to recover from his trauma! Thank you so much for your advice and this show, Dr. John! It helps so much!!
Estimated that close to 58% percent of US adults have at least an ACE score of 1. Makes you kind of think about how many traumatized people are walking around traumatizing others. How do we break the cycle as a society?
Dennis - please look into Neurofeedback therapy near you - it saved my life and my mind. It’s so amazing what they can do for trauma these days with Neurofeedback. You don’t have to suffer! Find a Neurofeedback practitioner near you love! You deserve mental, emotional and life peace! 💖
I have a score of 8. I’m a mother who said exactly like this man; not under my watch. Last time I saw my mother, she attacked me and choked me, for standing my ground and getting a divorce. I lost everything. Got 💀 threats. Pure insanity. I’m still recovering. And I need a vacation
Everyone wins a prize? Our prize? We are not our mothers. Violated for standing our ground, not meeting their deluded, irrational needs, shamed for not being the reflection of them they want to see, devouring us psychologically... they'd feed us to the lions to save them selves. They are not mothers. We are not what they said we were. Felt compelled to acknowledge your comment... and you... and Dennis... standing your ground vs standing over... Again - we are not our mothers.
Your story is empowering though. I’m sorry to say this it’s amazing. I have an aces score of 9 and you are truly man inspiration right now. I am so amazed by this call all I wanna do is just heal. I just don’t know how to but this was so helpful and I’m trying to do this before my daughter she’s gonna turn to I am tuned with her and, it’s just so funny that I have other things working against me. She was born when I was literally going through the darkest of my life so now my financial everything has been going down the drain since eight substance abuse and physical abuse and being in abusive relationships and going into another one, and this is just ridiculous like like when she’s born is when she she awaken me and it’s just getting harder but I’ll be fine. I’m doing good because I don’t wanna look like that hot mess. Mom
First thing, Dr John I love The Gambler record over your right shoulder!! When younger taking guitar lessons that was one of 1st songs I learned. Second, I just took that test. Scored a 7. Poss. 8 depending on how I look at a question. I knew I was messed up from my childhood but it SUCKS knowing people had it worse than me.
I have no idea how I landed on this content and this channel but I’m so glad I did. I’m just in wow right now. I guess I was typing in because I’m worried I come from childhood sexual abuse that I didn’t let my family know and my behavior from that I guess affected my family and, I was already neglected and my behavior caused my mother to have a very hard relationship where she would dismiss me if I behave badly so it was a hot and cold relationship that developed pretty much my attachment style of disorganized, ADHD child with childhood trauma, sexual abuse, mother, that you know pretty much tolerated me, but wouldn’t she want me if I behaved incorrectly and then I just went on with the Seeking her and her love and acceptance and trust which to this day 43 and I won’t get it but I have accepted it. I just let her know about my sexual abuse that was a friend of hers. It’s a vicious cycle because of my toxic shame, I’ve only responded in hurting Myself, and trying to create more trauma to suppress that one I’ve suppressed it so much that I totally thought that it was very deeply, and I could barely remember until the day that I gave birth to my daughter and this crazy fear and flashbacks and clear, flashbacks and dreams are starting to happen and the only thing that I’ve been assessing about is to raise my child into secure a positive secure attachment because I understand how it affects because this affected me and all my choices and Worst of all this baby was born into one of my bad choices in a relationship. Her father was another toxic choice I made in a very depressing and self sabotaging and abuse state I was in that was caring for three years. I made very poor decisions I was in a self-destructive state due to a prior birth and then I get blessed and pregnant by this beautiful child And reality I’m pregnant. I’ve always wanted this at 42 but oh my God am I pregnant by my choices one of my trauma that I was never supposed to take serious and I have not done any of the healing that I’m supposed to do from sexual abuse from having a narcissistic mother that only believe in transition transactional love, and realizing I’ve been on my own to only develop a dependency and low esteem lifestyle that I’ve adopted more abuse and more trauma, and I didn’t get the chance to heal from any of that coming from a physically abusive relationship learning to another person that was not even capable Because he’s so immature emotionally and didn’t want to responsibility because of how I was living drinking and using drugs and then she came and changed my life and now reality is hitting all my traumas flashbacks are kicking in and I haven’t done any of the heel work and then I see this channel and I’m like Obsessing about how I should how am I gonna get myself together? I know I’m a good mom by everybody congratulating me and because I’m so devoted to her I get nervous because now she’s on the spectrum and I’m having intense crazy relationship with her father because he’s inconsistent and of course I’m already, experienced childhood trauma. I do not want anything child and for us to be parents, but he’s already giving me so much inconsistency and abuse prior to her arrival. I don’t know what to do. I’m doing the best I can. I see this channel either I obsess about not traumatizing her, but all lands on I haven’t healed and I don’t have the time to heal taken care of a 22 month old level one autistic child. Her father is my biggest trigger from my childhood trauma because each pretty much was part of my I can’t believe how validating this channel has been I mean, I just, I’m in wow, this like answers so many questions for me
Dennis I am glad you called I don’t have kids my mom doesn’t care to be in my life and all I needed to know is what kind of boundaries should I sit if she ever decided because I know I don’t think I even want her back you brought clarity. Thank you.❤
Yeah. I took a trauma training a few years ago provided by my company about how to recognize trauma in kids and such... my aces score is 3. It didn't even ask about the bullying or embarrassment I experienced as a child at school.
I was born into a brutally violent home, and as a small child, I had to stand between my dad and mom to stop him. I was just a tiny child saying, “You are going to have to come through me to get to her.” Kind of ridiculous now, but I looked after her while she brutally abused me physically and emotionally, even turning my siblings against me. My ACE IS 7. If it happened now, my parents would both be in jail.
My aces score is 7; I’m a mother to a wonderful little girl. My policy is you don’t get to her without going through me, and if we’re not okay? Then you’re not okay with my kid. They don’t get to bypass the resolution and go straight to her. If I don’t trust them, then I don’t trust them with my kid. Period. The biggest red flag, to me, is that they’re not willing to resolve anything or build that trust back with me, that means they haven’t changed and my giving access to them puts my child in the same danger I was exposed to: never gonna happen. You worry about your kid and yourself, your family you built, and that’s the priority. Their feelings don’t count anymore; they lost that right when they contributed to your aces score. Never feel bad about that. If your kids ask about why? Tell them in an age appropriate way. “My mommy and daddy were mean, and they’re not safe, I’m making sure you and I don’t get hurt, baby, because I love you so so much…. Now let’s go get a snack and I’ll push you on the swing”. It’s that easy. They’ll understand deeper than you realize.
May I suggest logging into Stanford University's Neuro-Science department's videos on things like how to quell a panic attack. Also, how to deal with PTSD. There is recent research that gives you some great tools!
It's weird how predictable it is for us. Definitely had that experience. :) I also have an ace score of at least 6. (6 might be most accurate, but I'm close to a 7.)
It is ok to be angry with your mom still and even if she has changed and is repentent for what she has done, still she is in debt and doesn't have the right to come back like nothing happened.
I have a question ! A lot of bs is spread on various platforms about healing and I don't wanna delve into those chakras and vibrations....Can anyone give an essence of how to heal ?? What is the fundamental thing ? Not any magic trick but an actual thing
I would suggest looking at Patrick Teahan and Dr. Rahmani(med circle) videos on UA-cam. I think they best describe some hard things many people go through in childhood / adulthood and awareness is key. Then maybe therapy if you are able to get it.
Fundamental: Rewriting the self talk in our head and the fundamental beliefs we hold -- look into schema therapy for an idea around it. Desensitizing ourselves to triggers and processing the traumas in a healthy way so it becomes integrated as just part of our past history, not feeling like it's still happening in the present. Finding a way to surround yourself with healthy, securely attached individuals is so key, strong friendships or a healthy romantic relationship is so healing and validating -- most people can't learn to love yourself without being loved by others first. Even a therapist can be a profoundly healing experience irrespective of the therapy itself but because this safe person helps you heal just by being in your presence and caring about you. A lot of things add up. Recognizing your own emotions is a key part of healing, saying it out loud clicks something in your brain that even writing doesn't. Rewriting neutral pathways. Changing your emotional state by changing your physiological state is a very real thing btw, that's why meditative breathing actually helps get you to calm down or a hug and the oxytocin released (even cuddling a pet can do it) actually helps in a very genuine way when you're extremely upset. It truly is comforting your emotions, physically and practically changing them. There's so much to it. One of the first steps is awareness and understanding of what is going on. What dissociation or being triggered is and isn't. Emotional dysregulation. Etc. Awareness is the first step and then you can start recognizing in the moment it is happening and stop feeling so controlled by your reactions or so surprised by them. You can start to predict them and prepare to avoid reacting that same way but also you can recognize in the moment what past trauma is being activated vs what actually is fair in the present for the situation. And from there you can calm the part of you that is so upset by thinking through it rationally and being compassionate towards yourself.
I gotta add.. My partner let his abusive dad back in his life after he "changed" so he could be a grandparent.. And he DID hurt our child. Don't do it.
The ACE score is basically a measurement of childhood abuse. You have one "point" for each of the following that you experience before you're 18 Physical Abuse Emotional Abuse Sexual Abuse Substance abuse in the home An incarcerated household member A family member in the home who chronically has untreated mental health issues, is institutionalized, and/or is suicidal Mother or primary female caregiver is treated violently One (single parent family) or no parents Physical neglect Emotional neglect Hope this helps! God bless you
@sarab9319 it looks like they updated it to no longer be biased by gender when it comes to witnessing one parent abuse the other. It's still really traumatic to watch your mother's violent rage hurting your father, I can attest
How can anyone allow someone who committed terrible abuse against her child back near vulnerable children? She absolutely lost the right to return to that child’s life and his children’s life and more and deserves to be in jail for a long time.
Amazing that he has a good partner because I have a partner that is a decision that I made in my vicious, trauma and cycle of self-destruction and picking partners dad just reminded me of my abusers, but is attempting to be a very good father has been present it’s just hard And then half of these people have their self together scratch depression I created some thing that totally sent me back. I created my addiction a record ruined my credit ruin way where I can rent somewhere the way that I can be hired being on disability so long and like oh my God now my mom and everything‘s just sending me back and, going through something because I have this thing where I’m over sharing because I don’t share or I’m isolated or I’m sending all these these comments. This is what I’m talking about. Isolation and depression.
I just took it, I have a 9, the only thing I didn’t experience was not being fed, although my mom would constantly make remarks that I would be fat while I was eating, and o was always the dirty kid with lice in school. I don’t know if I’ve healed or not, sometimes yes , some days.. no 😢
Because your there loving them and doing what Dad's do and you my SWEETHEART ONLY HAVE TO WORRY About HOW DIRTY IS THE TUB GONNA BE WHEN I TAKE MY BATH BECAUSE I HAD SUCH A GREAT DAY BEING 4
There are a lot of good options out there. I made good progress with TIR therapy (Traumatic Incident reduction) but we had to go back over this one incident at a time and discuss their emotional charge
Um... My mom was an abuser to me, she blamed me and shamed me and abandoned me to grow my self up, while pretending to everyone I was CRAZY so she could excuse herself from being a mom. My Dad finally figured it out, sort of but Unfortunately the only help I could get was to be moved back into her house. I took care of her for decades, my whole life. At fifty she moved into assisted living and I was kicked out onto the street by my abusive brother, the executor of her estate. He took EVERYTHING for himself while I live in a 600 dollar apartment and live with the help of SSDI, and I am still trying to recover. I am 64.
@@show_me_your_kitties If you grow up with high ACE score your whole house is built on sand. Life is always a LEVEL 10 challenge. IF you have to ask you don't know.
Can I please ask what lead do you have on the 'plant based stuff' you are looking into that can help with trauma or childhood trauma ? is it homeopathic remedies or natural supplements such as St. John's Worth ? Can you please do a show on that or write about them in one of your books ?
Hi, so concern and issue is, how can I coparent with someone as traumatized and toxic and has their own issues and is my biggest trigger is truly emotionally, immature triggers, the worst part of my PTSD and everything but yeah deserves a chance because he has been present in our little daughters life and is a is even worse when we’re apart, but then how do I do this we how do I let him be father if he is the poison to us at the same time, there’s no respect. There is no boundaries there’s I’m trying to heal and I cannot heal with one person that triggers me the most out of unstable relationships like this is got to be the most confusing situation and hardest situation. I’m in because we share a child and I don’t know what to do. I have to head back I left, only two for it to be extremely hard and get setback even more on my healing process. I just wanted my child to have a better environment but then I find out that she’s autistic and she has special needs and I’m here doing everything on my own without a family support I literally had my daughter for 22 months straight since she was born that one day at a babysitter or anywhere because I don’t have a support system hot mess and trauma some friends that are Christians and they’ve known me for 10 years. I had to leave because I feel so uncomfortable by my friends husband showing so much interest and my daughter and I had to leave in the worst almost uncomfortable feeling ever that he was just too enthusiastic, and I didn’t like the way he was touching my daughter, and I never felt so anxious and desperate, so I ended up leaving and I’m never gonna go back just because of that horrible feeling that he was trying to touch. My daughter was so intense with my gut, but I don’t wanna live like this.
Hi, so concern and issue is, how can I coparent with someone as traumatized and toxic and has their own issues and is my biggest trigger is truly emotionally, immature triggers, the worst part of my PTSD and everything but yeah deserves a chance because he has been present in our little daughters life and is a is even worse when we’re apart, but then how do I do this we how do I let him be father if he is the poison to us at the same time, there’s no respect. There is no boundaries there’s I’m trying to heal and I cannot heal with one person that triggers me the most out of unstable relationships like this is got to be the most confusing situation and hardest situation. I’m in because we share a child and I don’t know what to do. I have to head back I left, only two for it to be extremely hard and get setback even more on my healing process. I just wanted my child to have a better environment but then I find out that she’s autistic and she has special needs and I’m here doing everything on my own without a family support I literally had my daughter for 22 months straight since she was born that one day at a babysitter or anywhere because I don’t have a support system hot mess and trauma some friends that are Christians and they’ve known me for 10 years. I had to leave because I feel so uncomfortable by my friends husband showing so much interest and my daughter and I had to leave in the worst almost uncomfortable feeling ever that he was just too enthusiastic, and I didn’t like the way he was touching my daughter, and I never felt so anxious and desperate, so I ended up leaving and I’m never gonna go back just because of that horrible feeling that he was trying to touch. My daughter was so intense with my gut, but I don’t wanna live like this.
“When your wife reaches over and touches your leg and you don’t flinch,” and he kind of laughs and says, “how did you know?” That just broke my heart for him!
As someone who has an ACES score of 7, I needed this call.
Dennis is so strong. He’s done what I only hope to be able to one day do. He’s put in so much work to break that cycle. Hats off to you, Dennis. 👏🏼
Out of curiosity how old are you? Also for how long have you been on a mental health/ emotional health healing journey? I'm 34 and have been working on my own healing journey for somewhere between 21 years and idk 6 years depending on how you look at the start of it all lol... but I also have an aces score of kinda 7 if you squint or definitely 6. I was on the borderline of a 7th one. I wish you luck. I'm excited to be a good parent to foster children one day soon, I'm pretty sure I'm emotionally ready to start trying I just an not financially stable enough nor have I found a good life partner who is far enough past their own traumas. There's so much hurt out there, I've found.
7 here too.. CBT, DBT, schema therapy, emdr. In year 4 of healing ❤️🩹 3.5 years no contact with my “mother”. Predatory Father passed thank goodness 🎉
Also a 10 ACEs score. It literally affects every part of your existence until you face it and change the trajectory of your life. Even then, the scars of the trauma linger.
This caller is a brave soul!
He’s making the change!
Dennis is amazing. Thank you for fighting for your family.
Dr. John and @Jordan Peterson are the best for self-healing and online therapy ❤❤❤❤❤ The best and ive seen them all on the YT.
Thank you Dr. Delony for all the advice. I got a 7/10 score and after 40 years in earth, I gotta start dealing with it.
I’m not sure I even have an ACES score. But when John interrupted the guy and said he was proud of him for changing his family tree, I teared up. That is just an amazing thing that guy has done!
Wow family scapegoat here with an Ace of 7.. I’m so glad I heard this.. thank you Dennis and Dr D🙏 ❤
Celebrating that you exist Dennis. You are amazing. Cheering for you along this healing path.
Wow!! I needed this caller to ask this question. Thank you! My three kid’s have triggered me soo many times and have forced so much healing to happen. But I’m still navigating through the trauma. And have moments when I take that elevator ride to God knows where too. Praying this gentleman finds the peace and happiness he deserves. ❤️
Praying for you
Praying for you Monique ♥️💕🙏🏻 Seriously....right this moment as I type.
@@antoinelyons5323 Thank you! 💕
@@starlingswallow Thank you & God bless! 💕
Wow, just.. wow. My heart was both aching for this caller and cheering for his courage to make his family better than what he went through. His courage and struggle brought continual tears to my eyes. And Dr. John always validated him, treated him with the utmost respect. I can say enough good about how this was handled. ❤
Thank you for this! After having my daughter who looks like my twin brough out all of the Trauma memories from my family. I was in therapy for 10 years MDR saved my life. I have always been open to my kids when they ask but kept it age appropriate. Being jelous of the life my daughter has they I didn't has been an issue for me. Listening to John has helped a lot!
I cannot believe how much I related to this call. My score is the same. When I pull up to the light I leave space too, when I’m in a full room with people I too clock out. The relation this guy and I have, WOW
This call was for so many of us 😩😫😩😫 thanks Danis you’re an incredible human.
God bless you.
Dennis is so amazing! I wish the best for him to recover from his trauma! Thank you so much for your advice and this show, Dr. John! It helps so much!!
Estimated that close to 58% percent of US adults have at least an ACE score of 1. Makes you kind of think about how many traumatized people are walking around traumatizing others. How do we break the cycle as a society?
People who have no business having children need to quit reproducing...
Dating opened my eyes to this reality.
I took the anxiety test and had two red, two or three yellow and green in Belief/Faith. Don't know what score that is tho...
So proud of this first caller with an ace score of 10. What a legend calling in ❤
my aces score is a 8
Dennis - please look into Neurofeedback therapy near you - it saved my life and my mind. It’s so amazing what they can do for trauma these days with Neurofeedback. You don’t have to suffer! Find a Neurofeedback practitioner near you love! You deserve mental, emotional and life peace! 💖
My husband is a 5, and I want him to go to therapy, even though he seems unaffected. I worry about his health.
6months later I'm watching because I need to forgive my parents for betraying me. Lol
He still needs help too, but I do too.
I have a score of 8. I’m a mother who said exactly like this man; not under my watch. Last time I saw my mother, she attacked me and choked me, for standing my ground and getting a divorce.
I lost everything. Got 💀 threats. Pure insanity.
I’m still recovering.
And I need a vacation
Everyone wins a prize? Our prize? We are not our mothers. Violated for standing our ground, not meeting their deluded, irrational needs, shamed for not being the reflection of them they want to see, devouring us psychologically... they'd feed us to the lions to save them selves. They are not mothers. We are not what they said we were. Felt compelled to acknowledge your comment... and you... and Dennis... standing your ground vs standing over... Again - we are not our mothers.
Go Denis!!!!! ❤ Listen to the beginning of the first call and compare it to the beginning of the second! He's like a different man already. WooWoo!
Where do I find the 2nd call?
Your story is empowering though. I’m sorry to say this it’s amazing. I have an aces score of 9 and you are truly man inspiration right now. I am so amazed by this call all I wanna do is just heal. I just don’t know how to but this was so helpful and I’m trying to do this before my daughter she’s gonna turn to I am tuned with her and, it’s just so funny that I have other things working against me. She was born when I was literally going through the darkest of my life so now my financial everything has been going down the drain since eight substance abuse and physical abuse and being in abusive relationships and going into another one, and this is just ridiculous like like when she’s born is when she she awaken me and it’s just getting harder but I’ll be fine. I’m doing good because I don’t wanna look like that hot mess. Mom
Healing can happen!
First thing, Dr John I love The Gambler record over your right shoulder!! When younger taking guitar lessons that was one of 1st songs I learned. Second, I just took that test. Scored a 7. Poss. 8 depending on how I look at a question. I knew I was messed up from my childhood but it SUCKS knowing people had it worse than me.
I have no idea how I landed on this content and this channel but I’m so glad I did. I’m just in wow right now. I guess I was typing in because I’m worried I come from childhood sexual abuse that I didn’t let my family know and my behavior from that I guess affected my family and, I was already neglected and my behavior caused my mother to have a very hard relationship where she would dismiss me if I behave badly so it was a hot and cold relationship that developed pretty much my attachment style of disorganized, ADHD child with childhood trauma, sexual abuse, mother, that you know pretty much tolerated me, but wouldn’t she want me if I behaved incorrectly and then I just went on with the Seeking her and her love and acceptance and trust which to this day 43 and I won’t get it but I have accepted it. I just let her know about my sexual abuse that was a friend of hers. It’s a vicious cycle because of my toxic shame, I’ve only responded in hurting Myself, and trying to create more trauma to suppress that one I’ve suppressed it so much that I totally thought that it was very deeply, and I could barely remember until the day that I gave birth to my daughter and this crazy fear and flashbacks and clear, flashbacks and dreams are starting to happen and the only thing that I’ve been assessing about is to raise my child into secure a positive secure attachment because I understand how it affects because this affected me and all my choices and Worst of all this baby was born into one of my bad choices in a relationship. Her father was another toxic choice I made in a very depressing and self sabotaging and abuse state I was in that was caring for three years. I made very poor decisions I was in a self-destructive state due to a prior birth and then I get blessed and pregnant by this beautiful child And reality I’m pregnant. I’ve always wanted this at 42 but oh my God am I pregnant by my choices one of my trauma that I was never supposed to take serious and I have not done any of the healing that I’m supposed to do from sexual abuse from having a narcissistic mother that only believe in transition transactional love, and realizing I’ve been on my own to only develop a dependency and low esteem lifestyle that I’ve adopted more abuse and more trauma, and I didn’t get the chance to heal from any of that coming from a physically abusive relationship learning to another person that was not even capable Because he’s so immature emotionally and didn’t want to responsibility because of how I was living drinking and using drugs and then she came and changed my life and now reality is hitting all my traumas flashbacks are kicking in and I haven’t done any of the heel work and then I see this channel and I’m like Obsessing about how I should how am I gonna get myself together? I know I’m a good mom by everybody congratulating me and because I’m so devoted to her I get nervous because now she’s on the spectrum and I’m having intense crazy relationship with her father because he’s inconsistent and of course I’m already, experienced childhood trauma. I do not want anything child and for us to be parents, but he’s already giving me so much inconsistency and abuse prior to her arrival. I don’t know what to do. I’m doing the best I can. I see this channel either I obsess about not traumatizing her, but all lands on I haven’t healed and I don’t have the time to heal taken care of a 22 month old level one autistic child. Her father is my biggest trigger from my childhood trauma because each pretty much was part of my I can’t believe how validating this channel has been I mean, I just, I’m in wow, this like answers so many questions for me
Dennis I am glad you called I don’t have kids my mom doesn’t care to be in my life and all I needed to know is what kind of boundaries should I sit if she ever decided because I know I don’t think I even want her back you brought clarity. Thank you.❤
I didn't know what the ACE test was. I took it today, and my score was 9/10. 🤯
Yeah. I took a trauma training a few years ago provided by my company about how to recognize trauma in kids and such... my aces score is 3. It didn't even ask about the bullying or embarrassment I experienced as a child at school.
Second call I tell you. It took me almost 10 yrs to get to the point I could see my mother. Still slow going
I was born into a brutally violent home, and as a small child, I had to stand between my dad and mom to stop him. I was just a tiny child saying, “You are going to have to come through me to get to her.” Kind of ridiculous now, but I looked after her while she brutally abused me physically and emotionally, even turning my siblings against me. My ACE IS 7. If it happened now, my parents would both be in jail.
I'm so sorry 🙏🏿 ❤️
I love your responses!!!!! Thank you!!
Dennis, you are amazing!
My aces score is 7; I’m a mother to a wonderful little girl. My policy is you don’t get to her without going through me, and if we’re not okay? Then you’re not okay with my kid. They don’t get to bypass the resolution and go straight to her. If I don’t trust them, then I don’t trust them with my kid. Period. The biggest red flag, to me, is that they’re not willing to resolve anything or build that trust back with me, that means they haven’t changed and my giving access to them puts my child in the same danger I was exposed to: never gonna happen. You worry about your kid and yourself, your family you built, and that’s the priority. Their feelings don’t count anymore; they lost that right when they contributed to your aces score. Never feel bad about that. If your kids ask about why? Tell them in an age appropriate way. “My mommy and daddy were mean, and they’re not safe, I’m making sure you and I don’t get hurt, baby, because I love you so so much…. Now let’s go get a snack and I’ll push you on the swing”. It’s that easy. They’ll understand deeper than you realize.
Dennis is the man 🎉
Dennis you are an amazing person
The same there are smart vestor pros there should be something for therapist that john delony and dave ramsey endorse. So hard to find good therapist
This is the most relevant thing to me
My mother never approved of anything I did even when I had two super well adjusted kids.
You are amazing Denis. You are strong!!!
May I suggest logging into
Stanford University's Neuro-Science department's videos on things like how to quell a panic attack. Also, how to deal with PTSD. There is recent research that gives you some great tools!
🤯 how is it possible that you, dr John, know about my heart rate seing a message from my parent? I have ACE score 6.
It's weird how predictable it is for us. Definitely had that experience. :) I also have an ace score of at least 6. (6 might be most accurate, but I'm close to a 7.)
It is ok to be angry with your mom still and even if she has changed and is repentent for what she has done, still she is in debt and doesn't have the right to come back like nothing happened.
So needed this. Dave... Make this show work.
I have a question ! A lot of bs is spread on various platforms about healing and I don't wanna delve into those chakras and vibrations....Can anyone give an essence of how to heal ?? What is the fundamental thing ? Not any magic trick but an actual thing
Prayer is a big key. Having that personal relationship with Jesus.
I would suggest looking at Patrick Teahan and Dr. Rahmani(med circle) videos on UA-cam. I think they best describe some hard things many people go through in childhood / adulthood and awareness is key. Then maybe therapy if you are able to get it.
Read: Healing the child within. Fantastic book! We ALL have some kind of trauma that happened in childhood and it realllllly affects us.
@@Ja-oq4sc ha no. Sorry to laugh but. Jesus is very unnecessary. I swear. Healing is so possible with or without it.
Fundamental: Rewriting the self talk in our head and the fundamental beliefs we hold -- look into schema therapy for an idea around it. Desensitizing ourselves to triggers and processing the traumas in a healthy way so it becomes integrated as just part of our past history, not feeling like it's still happening in the present. Finding a way to surround yourself with healthy, securely attached individuals is so key, strong friendships or a healthy romantic relationship is so healing and validating -- most people can't learn to love yourself without being loved by others first. Even a therapist can be a profoundly healing experience irrespective of the therapy itself but because this safe person helps you heal just by being in your presence and caring about you. A lot of things add up. Recognizing your own emotions is a key part of healing, saying it out loud clicks something in your brain that even writing doesn't. Rewriting neutral pathways. Changing your emotional state by changing your physiological state is a very real thing btw, that's why meditative breathing actually helps get you to calm down or a hug and the oxytocin released (even cuddling a pet can do it) actually helps in a very genuine way when you're extremely upset. It truly is comforting your emotions, physically and practically changing them. There's so much to it.
One of the first steps is awareness and understanding of what is going on. What dissociation or being triggered is and isn't. Emotional dysregulation. Etc. Awareness is the first step and then you can start recognizing in the moment it is happening and stop feeling so controlled by your reactions or so surprised by them. You can start to predict them and prepare to avoid reacting that same way but also you can recognize in the moment what past trauma is being activated vs what actually is fair in the present for the situation. And from there you can calm the part of you that is so upset by thinking through it rationally and being compassionate towards yourself.
I’d rather be unplugged than what I’ve been doing which self-medicating since my trauma started surfacing
I gotta add.. My partner let his abusive dad back in his life after he "changed" so he could be a grandparent.. And he DID hurt our child. Don't do it.
Hey Dr D could you please do a video on the ASA score (or ACE score sorry I didn't know what it exactly is)? Thank you
The ACE score is basically a measurement of childhood abuse. You have one "point" for each of the following that you experience before you're 18
Physical Abuse
Emotional Abuse
Sexual Abuse
Substance abuse in the home
An incarcerated household member
A family member in the home who chronically has untreated mental health issues, is institutionalized, and/or is suicidal
Mother or primary female caregiver is treated violently
One (single parent family) or no parents
Physical neglect
Emotional neglect
Hope this helps! God bless you
Thank you that’s very informative
@sarab9319 it looks like they updated it to no longer be biased by gender when it comes to witnessing one parent abuse the other. It's still really traumatic to watch your mother's violent rage hurting your father, I can attest
How can anyone allow someone who committed terrible abuse against her child back near vulnerable children? She absolutely lost the right to return to that child’s life and his children’s life and more and deserves to be in jail for a long time.
Amazing that he has a good partner because I have a partner that is a decision that I made in my vicious, trauma and cycle of self-destruction and picking partners dad just reminded me of my abusers, but is attempting to be a very good father has been present it’s just hard And then half of these people have their self together scratch depression I created some thing that totally sent me back. I created my addiction a record ruined my credit ruin way where I can rent somewhere the way that I can be hired being on disability so long and like oh my God now my mom and everything‘s just sending me back and, going through something because I have this thing where I’m over sharing because I don’t share or I’m isolated or I’m sending all these these comments. This is what I’m talking about. Isolation and depression.
this call hit home for me i don't want to be in this situation.
I didn’t understand the beginning of the call… his Ace Score is a 10, What does that mean??! No idea!! Please don’t make fun of me!! Thanks
I have a score of 7, and couldn't imagine a 10 (that's the highest score)
Same here, I had to pause the video and look it up. 😟 So sad to hear he’s a 10
Me too I had to ask as well
@@furryplantsandcoins9070
It's "Look it Up" time!
I just took it, I have a 9, the only thing I didn’t experience was not being fed, although my mom would constantly make remarks that I would be fat while I was eating, and o was always the dirty kid with lice in school. I don’t know if I’ve healed or not, sometimes yes , some days.. no 😢
Because your there loving them and doing what Dad's do and you my SWEETHEART ONLY HAVE TO WORRY About HOW DIRTY IS THE TUB GONNA BE WHEN I TAKE MY BATH BECAUSE I HAD SUCH A GREAT DAY BEING 4
EMDR is not recommended for complex trauma. look into SE/polyvagal theory. You will have a lot of work, not just 12 sessions like this host says.
There are a lot of good options out there. I made good progress with TIR therapy (Traumatic Incident reduction) but we had to go back over this one incident at a time and discuss their emotional charge
Um... My mom was an abuser to me, she blamed me and shamed me and abandoned me to grow my self up, while pretending to everyone I was CRAZY so she could excuse herself from being a mom. My Dad finally figured it out, sort of but Unfortunately the only help I could get was to be moved back into her house. I took care of her for decades, my whole life. At fifty she moved into assisted living and I was kicked out onto the street by my abusive brother, the executor of her estate. He took EVERYTHING for himself while I live in a 600 dollar apartment and live with the help of SSDI, and I am still trying to recover. I am 64.
Why did you need help?
@@show_me_your_kitties If you grow up with high ACE score your whole house is built on sand. Life is always a LEVEL 10 challenge. IF you have to ask you don't know.
So sorry this happened to you.
Can I please ask what lead do you have on the 'plant based stuff' you are looking into that can help with trauma or childhood trauma ? is it homeopathic remedies or natural supplements such as St. John's Worth ?
Can you please do a show on that or write about them in one of your books ?
Wow my score is 9/10 this is wild
Hi, so concern and issue is, how can I coparent with someone as traumatized and toxic and has their own issues and is my biggest trigger is truly emotionally, immature triggers, the worst part of my PTSD and everything but yeah deserves a chance because he has been present in our little daughters life and is a is even worse when we’re apart, but then how do I do this we how do I let him be father if he is the poison to us at the same time, there’s no respect. There is no boundaries there’s I’m trying to heal and I cannot heal with one person that triggers me the most out of unstable relationships like this is got to be the most confusing situation and hardest situation. I’m in because we share a child and I don’t know what to do. I have to head back I left, only two for it to be extremely hard and get setback even more on my healing process. I just wanted my child to have a better environment but then I find out that she’s autistic and she has special needs and I’m here doing everything on my own without a family support I literally had my daughter for 22 months straight since she was born that one day at a babysitter or anywhere because I don’t have a support system hot mess and trauma some friends that are Christians and they’ve known me for 10 years. I had to leave because I feel so uncomfortable by my friends husband showing so much interest and my daughter and I had to leave in the worst almost uncomfortable feeling ever that he was just too enthusiastic, and I didn’t like the way he was touching my daughter, and I never felt so anxious and desperate, so I ended up leaving and I’m never gonna go back just because of that horrible feeling that he was trying to touch. My daughter was so intense with my gut, but I don’t wanna live like this.
Where do I find this ACE test??
My score is eight. I just had to look it up. I didn’t know what a ace score was or ace test was.
❤️
Hi, so concern and issue is, how can I coparent with someone as traumatized and toxic and has their own issues and is my biggest trigger is truly emotionally, immature triggers, the worst part of my PTSD and everything but yeah deserves a chance because he has been present in our little daughters life and is a is even worse when we’re apart, but then how do I do this we how do I let him be father if he is the poison to us at the same time, there’s no respect. There is no boundaries there’s I’m trying to heal and I cannot heal with one person that triggers me the most out of unstable relationships like this is got to be the most confusing situation and hardest situation. I’m in because we share a child and I don’t know what to do. I have to head back I left, only two for it to be extremely hard and get setback even more on my healing process. I just wanted my child to have a better environment but then I find out that she’s autistic and she has special needs and I’m here doing everything on my own without a family support I literally had my daughter for 22 months straight since she was born that one day at a babysitter or anywhere because I don’t have a support system hot mess and trauma some friends that are Christians and they’ve known me for 10 years. I had to leave because I feel so uncomfortable by my friends husband showing so much interest and my daughter and I had to leave in the worst almost uncomfortable feeling ever that he was just too enthusiastic, and I didn’t like the way he was touching my daughter, and I never felt so anxious and desperate, so I ended up leaving and I’m never gonna go back just because of that horrible feeling that he was trying to touch. My daughter was so intense with my gut, but I don’t wanna live like this.