Oh my god the babysitting one… she’s 19 in college she’s going to be busy AF. Idk why but when people feel entitled to someone else’s time, resources, etc it really fills me with rage 😂
I'm in college with no job and still busy, can't imagine with a part time job. Even if I had a day off, my brain would be so worn I could never properly care for a kid, much less twin babies
That person's sister is the one who chose to have children so they should be asking the husband's family for help instead of trying to bully a college student with only a part-time job into supporting them financially in any shape or form. Absolutely disgusting behavior. Greedy, selfish and entitled. OP does not owe their sister anyting
Seriously. I was enraged when the rest of the family not only seemed to not question it but give money?! Nah, that’s your choice to have the kids & we’re trying regardless of financial stability. Not cool.
Someone once tried to guilt me into offering money to a relative because they had children (and very much chose to, it was not a surprise or anything) but could not realistically afford to and I, being childless, had "plenty of money". Like...what is this idea that the responsibility of raising a child is everyone's except the parents?
the poster said this lady was struggling to have kids, girl she shouldn't have kept trying if she was in debt and couldn't support them! if you can't afford to stay home from work or pay for daycare you cannot have a kid. you wouldn't get a dog if you couldn't afford vet visits smh hope that girl is okay and kept studying.
The first one made me sooo angry! I absolutely hate wasting food and avoid it at all costs so if someone were to go through my fridge/pantry and throw out food that is perfectly good to eat, I would be FUMING.
And the OP sister defending her food like "it's not even that bad"...she should not even have to defend the healthiness of her food. It does not matter if it was all doritos and twinkies and mountain dew. It doesn't matter what the food was it was HER PROPERTY and that is the end of the discussion. Don't touch what don't belong to you, period. I would be LIVID.
Speaking as a 29 yr old, there's no 32 yr old in their right mind who would expect a 19 yr old sibling to contribute to paying off their debt! That's insanity!
The expectant sister situation: OP should have a sit-down with her pregnant sister & ask how much money she plans to contribute to her tuition each semester & how many hrs/wk she can dedicate to helping OP study. This is an absurd dynamic to me.
It's even worse, the twins are already 10 months old. It's a huge responsibility to care for a baby, let alone two the same age. This whole situation is just insane.
I'm gonna be really blunt in regards to the parents that want the other family members to watch/pay for their kids: they shouldn't have been purposefully trying to have kids in the first place if it's true that they're in mountains of debt and both work very long hours. It's morally wrong to procreate children that you can't take care of, and they damn sure shouldn't be expecting a 19 year old to give all of her time and money to kids she didn't make.
YES, couldn't agree more!! I honestly find it despicable when people have kids they can't take care of (for whatever reason), children deserve better than that. I've heard the argument that "pOoR PeOpLe DeSeRvE cHiLdReN tOo" but as cold as it may sound, I don't agree. People don't "deserve" children, children deserve a decent life. If you can't provide that, then don't be a parent. Children's wellbeing comes before the parents' desires.
@@KreeZafi I'm so glad someone understands. A lot of times when I try to explain that children are complex human beings that should ideally be planned ahead for I get "OH SO KIDS SHOULD ONLY BE HAD BY RICH FAMILIES???!!!" Like no, that's not what I said. Kids are people. They feel the stress of parents that aren't prepared, that can't make it to the next paycheck, that couldn't make the mortgage, etc. The effects of that can be lifelong. I know because that's the environment I was raised in. One of my co workers is 15 years old. He skips meals and walks to work. I've picked him up and fed him. I know he loves his mom, and I love mine, but frankly this should not be the life of a child. It's exactly why my husband and I haven't had kids. We know that at this stage in our life our money would be spread far too thin. Kids don't have to be born to millionaires, but they should probably be raised in a home by people that aren't begging their 19 year old little sister for money and free childcare.
Exactly! Also as a parent, why would you want a busy 19 year old with no child raising experience to take care of your TWINS??? They just seem all over irresponsible
Its not that simple though, most women aren’t able to get an abortion if they get pregnant and are forced to have children. Especially women in poverty.
For the 19 year old college student, it feels especially sad to hear that the parents said to them that “the family takes care of each other” but how that excludes recognizing the value of OP’s education, and how it’s a huge investment of time and energy, or providing for them financially as a struggling student and young adult. Why can’t they see that someone like OP also needs to be considered in the family dynamic?
especially since I'd bet my left foot that 19yr old is taking massive loans to cover her education and I'll bet no one is helping them. her sister and her husband shouldn't have tried for a kid if they couldn't afford it.
As someone who JUST got married, I was very accommodating for my bridesmaids. Tattoos? Show them. Can’t walk in heels? Wear sneakers. Don’t wanna show your arms? I allowed them to wear sleeved and shawls. I wanted them all to look and feel their best, and that far outweighed my need to have everyone look the same. Some women are so extra and demanding when it comes to their weddings. Respect your bridesmaid’s comfort levels...
on the babysitting one WHO ON EARTH expects financial help from a college student? like they are most probably overworking themselves with all the college work and part time job and i don't think most people in this situation would have any money to give out even if they can manage some time to babysit.
I was floored by the money demand! I get being asked to babysit if you can but asking people how much money they can give you, just what?! You can't just expect people to give you their money because your situation is difficult. Maybe start with asking for a bloody loan 🤯
Even if they weren't in college. If they don't have a lot of money to spare, like maybe they don't have a job because of sickness or are between jobs, they should still not expect money from that person.
For the wedding one I feel like a lot of people missed the part where the sister said that her siblings are SPOILED and KNOWN for causing trouble and ruining things so I think its totally justified for her not to want them at her wedding even if they are her siblings
I didn't invite my now step father in law to ours for the same reason. He was well known for causing scenes at family functions, can't stand not being the center of attention, and is just in general a complete asshole. So we decided(as a couple, my husband was 100% in agreement) that he wasn't invited. There were angry and annoyed people. We didn't give a shit. He didn't come, and it was one less thing we had to be stressed about that day.
but they're blood relative. you do for family. that being said wedding parties last till 4am usually so they would have to leave and be babysat at some point.
@flirting gracefull platypus Doesn't matter if they're blood. If they can not behave at an important event, then it's just better for everyone that they're excluded. It's also just less of a headache for everyone on an already stressful day. Also, it's their wedding, so they have the ultimate say. OP even offered to find child care for her siblings, showing she still cares for them; she just doesn't want to handle the bad behavior (cause it sounds like mom won't handle it).
@@rock2946 my sister and her husband wanted to say children weren't invited to the wedding solely because she didn't want my brothers kids there because they're horribly behaved. But ultimately they couldn't just say no to all kids in general for a lot of reasons which unfortunately meant that our brother brought his kids along too. It was a nightmare. Just picture it , everyone dressed very nicely in wedding attire, then 3 bratty kids all dressed in shitty play clothes. You're trying to enjoy the expensive wedding meal, 3 kids screaming their heads off that they want McDonald's! Which ultimately someone went and got for them. The youngest, a girl, being extremely unsocialized and screaming her head off the entire time because she had to be held the ENTIRE time and ONLY by my brother or his wife (the wife refusing to even acknowledge her kids for the whole night because instead of just getting a freaking babysitter so they could enjoy themselves she decides ohh well and brings all 3 kids with them, then pushes them off onto my brother for the ENTIRE night even tho HE was in the wedding party and had responsibilities/obligations. She did not), ALL of the beautiful wedding photos of the wedding party all nicely dressed and looking wonderful, then there being just one random kid dressed in shitty play clothes in all of the pictures because he refused to stop running into them because "he wanted to take pictures too" even tho the photographers were taking pictures all night of the entire event and all the guests AND they even rented a photo booth/stand for the guests to take their pictures with different backgrounds and signs and props and have the pictures emailed to them and also printed out on the spot for memory keepsakes, but nooo this kid HAD to jump into all of the professional wedding pictures and they all absolutely refuse to listen to or even acknowledge my brother so they ignored him when he was trying to discipline them and make them stop and his wife was just drinking the night away with the "they're fire they're not hurting anything" attitude. Like how are YOU gonna decide that what your kind is interrupting is okay at someone else's wedding ?! Anddddd when the wedding party and bride/groom walk back into the reception all in order after the ceremony, the one same kid HAD to run over and not only walk in with us which again ruined the pictures and the whole situation, but the little brat also tried to take the rig bearer's(my son) little sign he was holding while walking/for the pictures. I swear there is NOTHING in this world that o absolutely HATE with every fiber of my being more than horribly behaved terrible children. I don't care who you are, no kids will be at my wedding. Period. And if I decided to allow SOME children, I would have no issue what so ever telling certain people exactly why their invitation clearly states adults only. Okay rant over lol. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My oldest sister got married recently, and all the bridesmaids wore the same dress, except my other sister who is extremely uncomfortable in dresses and wore a suit. The photos still look wonderful, even the ones of just the bridesmaids where it's more obvious, but more importantly, my sister was comfortable. It's really not difficult to cater to people, and the fact people are happy and comfortable at the wedding is more important than matching outfits especially if it's for the reason the OP gave edit: Just to cover grounds, I think most people can agree it is her choice and that's not the point of me sharing that, just that it's not the only option and if she really cared about how others think as posting it would suggest, she had other options to explore that would not ruin her wedding
And not everyone is going to look good in the one style or colour. I would rather the bridesmaid just look nice rather than half of them being in I'll suited dresses that match. What's the point if they aren't going to look good anyway?
@@esmeraldagreengate4354 Exactly! It's something that's always been super weird to me in American movies and TV shows. I'm getting married next summer and couldn't imagine making my friends, *adult women with their own styles and preferences*, buy matching dresses that they might have no other use for! And spend money on them, I'm assuming? Or would we be expected to pay for not only my dress, his suit and the party but also five other dresses?? I get that it may look nice in pictures and it's a cultural thing too but it's just insanity to me and I'm glad we don't have that tradition in my country :D
Yeah, if I'm honest I don't care much for religion at all but REGARDLESS of the reason I think people have the right to decide if they're not comfortable wearing something. For that reason I think it's better to just go with a theme (like a color scheme) and let people wear something they're comfortable with in that theme, instead of picking out a specific outfit that everyone has to wear.
This part I can relate to: "...do most hours since I was in college and didn't have any serious commitments." Seriously! Going to college is the same as having two or three jobs...you have "homework", projects, and you have to study for midterms and finals. Those that are in the quarterly systems are in a faster pace because the quarter is only 10 weeks. There are also semesters and go in a range of 14-16 weeks. Let's not forget Internships (working for hours and most of the time you don't get paid). Bottom line college is nothing like high school it's more challenging and more time consuming but it's worth it because you are accomplishing a goal/career out of it. People that don't go to college will never understand the pressures and the glory when earning a Bachelors, Master's, or a PhD.
I went to college and had to take my baby with me to class at times. I picked the class where it was the smallest group and everyone has supportive. I had zero free time but didn’t want to ask people to babysit because I didn’t want to burden them and felt that my baby was my baby and my responsibility.
I don't know.... Yes, uni is hard, especially when you want to have high marks or get a fellowship, getting a PhD is even worse, but it doesn't compare with the responsibility of a work place. I did work hard during my studies, but can't compare with how much I work now and the responsibilities I have. You can't compare the consequences of a missed deadline or a mistake in uni/college with the consequences at the work place where so many other people depend on you....
I had a child free wedding… well I was supposed to. All of my husband’s family ignored it. They brought all their kids. And they ruined my ceremony, ruined my decorations. And had a tantrum about not being able to take the lace we used for my ceremony. I’m still mad.
My parents wedding I had done a lot of the decorations myself and the children all that attended decided to play throwing knives at my balloon arch and as a result broke the arch, all the lights, and destroyed my expensive vinyl balloons that were supposed to last all night. And then took the helium tank and let al the helium out
I wonder if this is cultural because I went to A LOT of weddings as a child (and with other children) and we were all super well behaved. Like it’s a WEDDING! It’s not a playground. Plus you get to sit there and see how pretty the whole thing is and the bride is like a princess when you’re that young. I’m always perplexed when ppl say children ruined their wedding. Sounds like poor parenting honestly. Why can’t your child sit through a wedding and behave themselves? And why are you as a parent not stepping in and stopping them from misbehaving? Like are the parents just sitting back and watching their kids ruin someone else’s special day?
@@Amsayy omg.. I kinda agree with Cristine and Jen on this.. It should be about two people and celebrating their love but usually it never is. I think if I ever do decide to get married I will hire a security guard or someone like that and whoever is being an asshole gets automatically kicked out. Like I'm not even kidding, even family. And I will inform everyone beforehand. If they don't care about my rules then don't come at all. See if I care.. Honestly reading all these kinds of stories about horrible things happening in other people's weddings makes me angry and sad at the same time. It should be your happiest day for crying out loud. Not some drama convention.. 😕🤦♀️
@@ninaasf-ck I found out as I was walking down the isle. I didn’t see anyone until then. And it was my husband’s family. I didn’t want to make it loud. It was a tinywedding. 30 guests. So everyone would have known
We love a sisterly guest star. Missed your podcasts and glad you all were able to have a break! But these past couple weeks you’ve been missed and am so glad to have you back!
The expectations of my family are if you can help out and you want to, then help. If you can’t or if it would mess with your priorities, then don’t help. So I find it crazy that someone would demand help watching their kids and are mad when they’re told no.
I come from a family that operates on, "If you can help, you do help" and its a really simple and effective philosophy because we all end up in a position of needing help at some point. It's called banking karma. That said, we don't get pissy with each other or at least we try very hard not to when we've had high hopes of help and find there isn't any available. My brother respects that I'm not comfortable babysitting long term but I also respect that he bends over backwards trying to provide for his family and when I'm nearby and can fill in an hour here or there, it is added time where my nieces bond with me and my brother, SiL and mother are extremely grateful. Goodness knows I got a lot of help from my brother and mom when I was in college... my brother often giving me rides to classes despite just getting off a 12 hr shift, gas money after I finally got a car, sticking up for me with mom when I wanted to test boundaries (being the baby, female, and disabled often gets you put in a cocoon inadvertently) etc... my mom feeding me dinner every day, housing me, paying for my phone and insurance on a too small income. It's all called being a family and we are ultimately far more successful when we work together.
@@DC-wx6qy yeah... the assumption that she had the time and the expectation of money disgusted me... but also, I have to wonder if the family was actually aware of her financial situation... it doesn't sound like she's the best communicator or that any of them are really. I don't think the sister was at all wrong in asking for help with childcare though. I also hope they were asking friends and his family if they were nearby too. It takes a village to raise a child after all.
If this were an unexpected pregnancy, I could kinda understand, But,... MO, if you try really hard to get pregnant and give birth, like these folks did, you should make sure you can afford to, and have time to, take care of YOUR children without demanding help from everyone in your family,.
The vacation one reminds me of me and my sister. She's 12 years older than me, is a well established nurse, and is married to a man that is a well established tech guy. Together they make wellllll over 100K. Probably 200. I'm answering phones in my dad's closet (we got sent home during the pandemic) and I'm making 35k. I'm in school to be a teacher and will never make as much money as her, unless I marry a Prince but thats not going to happen. But she thinks I'm using my parents, not working hard enough, and is generally mean to me because she thinks I should be on my feet by now. School tuition has DOUBLED since she graduated 10 years ago and none of my friends moved out because housing prices have also skyrocketed. So while I understand that it might look like coddling on ops part, but you have no idea what your sister has sacrificed, how hard she's worked, what her mental health is like, etc.
I'm also in this situation but on the opposite side and a little different. I'm the older sister by 2 years and I was always expected to be the responsible one. Where my sister from my view does get coddled. I never got to go out with friends because I had to work. I had to work to pay for my own college (community college) and help pay hers because she went to Uni when my parents couldn't , never had my rent or my car paid for by my parents while she has. Yes I get paid more than her (barely) but I work for it, I chose a career path that wasn't my first choice so I could afford to live, had to live outside of the city and cooked at home instead of eating out all the time so I actually have money to do the things I want while my sister gets all of that handed to her. So I would be extremely pissed off if I was in a situation where they are paying for her vacation but I have to work my ass off to go. She also chose to be a teacher ( which good for her for doing what she loves and she's good at it) and chooses to live a frivolous life style while I chose to be more responsible but why should I be punished/ treated unfairly for doing so? It just shows to me that it seems like my sister is the preferred daughter. IMO if sister wants to go on a family vacation she should make her own sacrifices to save money to go rather than having it handed to her while I have to spend my hard earned savings to go because I made the right decisions to save money rather than spending it all.
@@daybreakdragon I'm not going to comment on your situation because my point still stands. We dont know how hard the younger sister actually does work. And I'm over encouraging people to work a job they hate "just to survive." Sister deserves to spend her money however she wants. She a grown adult and makes her own choices. You dont have to like them. Yea the real issue here is that they're not choosing a place everyone can afford to begin with. It sounds like OP doesn't have money to spare period. If BOTH OF YOUR KIDS cant afford to go...why are you going? My sister wants to go on a family trip and I'm sure I'm going to have plenty of moments where I remind her I cant afford to do that. I cant afford to eat there. I cant afford to do these things. Even after saving a few months. The family should meet in the middle and create a plan everyone can afford. Even if it means dropping luxuries.
My first thought was to the fact that the wealthier sister has a partner to split rent with, and we are literally in a housing crisis right now. Rent is astronomical, it's nearly impossible for people on a single income . The second sister sounds like the type of person who's only friend is their partner , and they wonder why noone else likes them .
@@jessijaneway6660 I 100% agree with you and all your points. With all of the aita posts it’s hard to know because you don’t have all of the information/ both sides of the story. I can just see it more from the other side because of my own situation. I also agree that sister can spend her money however she likes/ live however she wants to. Mine chooses she want to eat out more while I choose to save for whatever I want nothing wrong with that at all. What I don’t agree with is being treated differently based on the decisions we made. Why does sister “deserve” more when she just chose a different life style. I also very much agree with that about the family trip itself. Though I think op can afford the trip as they decided to go on a separate trip instead and she can choose to spend d her money however she likes and I can see why she would be upset with being treated differently. I think this is the best solution is have a trip everyone can afford and pay for on their own and no one is being treated unfairly. Thinking about it more perhaps it’s more of a no assholes here except maybe the parents for treating the daughters unfairly and not choosing a vacation everyone could afford.
I am in a similar situation as the OP, but I actually think it’s on the parents to choose a vacation that both kids can afford. My parents have helped out my sibling more than myself because I am more financially stable, but they have always made sure not to put us in a position where I feel obligated to contribute more to something or made me feel like she gets things for free and I have to pay. If we were to go to dinner or on a family trip, it would be in everyone’s price range.
I get what Cris said about how its definitely possible that the fake tan stained the underside of the nails but also long nails can and do trap germs and bacteria. That's why many surgeons aren't allowed to have long nails, it is a genuine health and safety concern
We weren’t allowed to ever have fake or painted nails in the food service industry for exactly this reason as well as losing a nail or polish chipping in someone’s food is a lawsuit waiting to happen.
I have "long nails" (not as long as Cristines mine start breaking at that length) and I would prefer to wear gloves if I needed to use my hands to fiddle with food cause even the idea of the food being under my nails icks me
the babysitting one - like damn im sure her family wouldn't have minded babysitting if they were asked and not told. The family isnt the one that had the children and its unfair and rude to expect them to babysit
Yes!! They needed to communicate their issues better. I’m literally in the exact same position as the poster and luckily my family understands that. I’m not the first go to when it comes to babysitting that way I know that if they’re asking me they have no other option and I’ll see what I can do. I’m more apt to take a day off work to babysit if you ask once a month but if you ask once every week I literally can’t afford to do that.
My mom's second wedding was child free. My sister and I were not allowed to go. A bunch of us all got watched by older cousins. So we kind of had our own party. It was my own mom and I didn't care if I went lol I don't think any of us kids cared. About the babysitting while in college, I tried to help my friend out who had a child unexpectedly during college. I said I could watch him on my days I didn't have to go to school which were the days she had to school. I thought I could do it easily and still do my homework. Did not work out... the son would scream if I wasn't holding him. He would scream and bang on the door when I had to go to the bathroom (I wasn't going to let him in the bathroom with me because he isnt my child). I thought I could put him down for a nap and do homework but as soon as he fell asleep I would try to get up to do my homework, and he would wake up and scream. I lasted a month but had to say I couldn't do it because I couldn't get my homework done. That was one child. Twins would probably be even harder.
Re: Sister expecting family to contribute to her new family: My uncle is the exact same way with my father. Both of them are fathers in their late 50s, all of us kids went to college, yet my uncle expected my father to help pay for my cousin's college, while we got no help at all. We didn't ask for help, but no one offered as well. And I guess the other family members aren't financially responsible he went to my dad and it's caused so much grief for my immediate family. I get it, that's his brother. But also a brother who never calls on birthdays or Christmas, and only calls for money. It comes to a point you just have to take responsibility in your own life, which said Uncle has yet to learn by his age.
@@Chaotic_Pixie yes that's exactly it! No shame in asking but expecting/demanding for payment as the only form of communication is what causes so many fights 😭
People shouldn't be having kids if they know they can't financially support them without relying on their families money. Like if the family _wants_ to give them money and gifts then they can do that. But the new parents should still be able to at least have enough stability to care for the kids basic need. Asking family to babysit every now and then is understandable though.
The unequal help is an interesting debate. Growing up, my family made everything equal between my little sister and me. In adulthood, it's changed. We both have gotten help from the family, but I wouldn't say it is equal amounts of help. I'm a single person with no kids. My little sister was married and had 4 children. I'm sure if I add up any financial help, she received more than me, but I don't care. If she needed more help than I did, then I have no problem with her receiving whatever she needed to get her through.
i agree! my assumption is that the less financially stable sister was helped out more growing up and its catching up to the OP, and the family vacation issue is where they decided to let it out. The OP probably thinks she deserved something for being responsible and wants to be rewarded
I think it is the fact, that a holiday per se isn’t “help” as it is luxury. If the sister would have a challenging life, then ofcourse. From the description though it seems the other sister gets everything without any real consequences or sacrifices. As for OP they are deliberately making choices to be financially smart and is asked/expected to use their extra funds to participate on the family holiday? Why not have a holiday somewhere the other sister can afford or parents can pay for both? For me it came across, that the parents are asking a participation fee from the OP.
Exactly! Equal help is useless when the context is widely different. If you have big financial differences in a family and you like each other enough that you want to vacation together, than you’d assume you like each other enough to pitch in when needed. Which makes me think there is more history behind the resentment, which could be valid but could also be coloured by childrens wisdom and be exaggerated over time. My parents don’t treat me and my siblings completely equal either. They help each of us based on what our situations need as long as they can. Both financially and otherwise.
@@Birguable That's a good point. I see where you're coming from and I think I see more of their perspective on the situation. It's just hard for me to not want to help my little sister, even for a trip. I do think there's so much family subtext that isn't in the post. It's hard to really judge who is an ass hole here. Even though I disagree with the poster, I don't think they're an ass hole for being upset about the situation. I think it's probably an unbalanced family dynamic that goes deeper than this one scenario.
@@Birguable I’ve had a similar situation to this story where I had money saved but my older brother was living pay check to pay check so I paid my trip and my mum paid for my brother. The thing with that though was that I offered to pay and told my mum exactly how much I could afford so there was no expectations from me but I knew we wouldn’t be able to take the trip without my input
For the family vacation, if her parents are so upset about not having a family vacation, why wouldn't they pick a more affordable destination where the older daughter COULD afford to go, or where they could afford to cover both daughters trip? My parents always emphasized that my sister and I would not always get the SAME things, because we did not NEED the same things, but even they wouldn't treat us this drastically different for something like a vacation, at least not without an arrangement to repay the money. That's just a step a bit too far... unless there is some other circumstance OP is leaving out.
I think it’s on the line. But at some point, parents want to take nice vacations with their adult children, and that might be totally out of the price range for one sister and not the other. It also depends on the sister’s career, imo. If the sister has been a nurse or teacher during this pandemic, I’ll chip in so she can go on a nice vacation! If she’s an artist (like me 😬) then that is maybe less deserving of parents helping out. It also depends how much the vacation costs. I do think the situation as described is a little too far, though.
Right! My mom made it clear to my sister and I that once we were out of college and on our own, she was no longer paying for our share of family vacations or at least not all of it. And we could either make up the rest or not come. We still work hard to see each other for holidays and birthdays but we just try to be more reasonable about vacations.
She does mention that her sister also spends more on day to day things. I'm unsure if that just means groceries that are more expensive or if she eats out more often and buys more things for herself just because she wants to. Because if it the second I can understand OP's frustration. I like eating out a lot and buying things I like, but I wouldnt find it fair if that would make my parents pay for my trip, but not my sister's, while she spends her money more wisely.
@@marisakay_wlr well then choose a different vacation or accept that one sister obviously prioritised an expensivr apartment over being able to afford a vacation. then they cant go.
My sister actually had to choose a different bridesmaid's dress because my breasts were too large to modestly wear the dress she chose. I felt really bad, but when I went to try on the dress, it just didn't work. My boobs were barely covered and one wrong move would have flashed the whole church. She ended up picking a dress with more cleavage coverage. Crisis averted. However... I think the sister who chose a short summer dress knew her sister's wardrobe restrictions before she chose the bridesmaid's dresses. She could have chosen something longer with a shrug to cover enough skin so that her sister could participate. OR she could have sat her sister down and explained that while she wanted her sister to be in the bridal party, her wardrobe restrictions would make everyone else uncomfortably hot and because of that, she wouldn't be able to be a bridesmaid. Instead of either of those reasonable options, she asked the sister to be in the wedding and then chose an outfit she knew her sister couldn't wear and then kicked her out of the wedding party. It's like she intentionally chose the cruelest and most hurtful way to punish her sister for her conservative dressing requirements.
JENNNNNN!!!! I love when she makes an appearance!!! Taco Tuesday just wasn’t the same without you last week so I’m glad to see you back! Definitely miss Beynnnn hope he is doing well 😊 Also I’m absolutely loving the new crèmes I can’t wait to receive them!!!! 💅🏻
hey, sorry to hear about your mom ben. i lost my mom early in the pandemic (today is the anniversary) and it helped me to be told that you are allowed to feel any way you want at any time. that grief comes in waves. you don't choose when or why and it makes it easier if you don't judge yourself for what you feel. it goes on for a long time. you can't be proactive, you can't hurry through it. I really hope you, your friends, and christine take care of you and you let them do it. I'm really sorry. be kind to yourself. this is all my opinion, as someone who lost a mom recently, but grief is always different for everyone. edit: also be as kind as you can to the people who love you. they are your support and it's really difficult to watch someone you love going through pain that you can't alleviate. I don't know if you (or everyone) already knows all these things, but it helped me.
I wonder if this is cultural because I went to A LOT of weddings as a child (and with other children) and we were all super well behaved. Like it’s a WEDDING! It’s not a playground. Plus you get to sit there and see how pretty the whole thing is and the bride is like a princess when you’re that young. I’m always perplexed when ppl say children ruined their wedding. Sounds like poor parenting honestly. Why can’t your child sit through a wedding and behave themselves? And why are you as a parent not stepping in and stopping them from misbehaving? Like are the parents just sitting back and watching their kids ruin someone else’s special day?
I agree so hard with this!!! I also attended a lot of weddings as a child and you can bet every dollar that my mom had an eagle eye on me and I was to be respectful and orderly. Why are kids nowadays allowed to be out of control and ruin so many bride’s weddings? I think it definitely speaks more about the parents and their lack of parenting than anything else.
well yeah the kids should be well behaved but i think many people also just dont think about their planning at all. if youre gonna invite kids then you have to give them some entertainment. it doesnt have to be a fancy expensive show but like let them blow bubbles and bring a few board games or let them bring their phone or anything like a gameboy or toy or sum
Same here!! I can totally respect op wanting a childless wedding but not discluding her siblings! This is a fond day to look back on and have pics. Children as young as 5 remember weddings and how special they are. I certainly did with my aunts wedding. It's a cycle too. More kids exposed to weddings, they learn how to behave at a wedding. Plus kids innocence and playfulness adds to the atmosphere. My niece at my sisters wedding was the HIGHLIGHT of the dance floor. She was making everyone smile and she was only 2!
@@takemetospace7718 My sisters and I (all under 10 at the time) were bridesmaids at my parents’ wedding but not included at the reception/party afterwards and I have never had a problem with that. It was their day and their party. If OP wants an adult party I understand not wanting kids there, and especially if they don’t have any themselves. You wouldn’t invite children to any other adult party with drinking either 🤷🏻♀️ I love the children in my family, but I would also go for a child free wedding if I were planning on getting married. I would want to have a fantastic party with my friends and family where everyone can let their hair out and have a great time without having to think about parenting, changing diapers, putting their child who won’t sleep because of everything happening down for a nap, or a five year old throwing a tantrum because they are being told to be quiet during the speeches. I have also worked somewhere meant for children so I have seen first hand, for years, how spoiled kids are nowadays. So many children are never told no. But even the most well behaved child is unpredictable in how they will behave, because that’s just the nature of children.
@@choddle8427 I think what ur parents did is the perfect solution. I maybe wrong but OP didn't even want to include them in the ceremony either- if I remember correctly. If she did what ur parents did, I would struggle to see why her mom would be offended. Plus by the reception time it's kids bedtime so they will be too tired to be there too.
AITA for not eating my sister in law’s salad? Long nails are not allowed in professional kitchens because they often harbor bacteria and are difficult to clean. This is a national (and probably international) standard set forth by various professional restaurant organizations. Of course, there are no home kitchen standards.
I think with the two sisters and the parents paying for the vacation for one of them, the parents are in the wrong. I think there's a massive difference in helping only one of your children out financially if they're completely broke (like lost their job, can't afford food etc...) but a vacation is not a necessity and at the same time costs a lot of money so they should either pay for both daughters or just not go/find a cheaper vacation. It's as if they decided to only get the poorer daughter gifts bc the other one is well off and can buy stuff herself.
I don't know about their relationship I don't really understand why she wouldn't begrudge this vacation her sister. If she has more money, than I don't really get the issue
@@rebeccamahneke808 I don't think it's about her begrudging her sister the vacation, I think the issue is that the parents are treating her unfairly. If she was incredibly rich, it would be a different question but from what she writes it's pretty clear that going on vacation is still a significant expense for her.
Go somewhere cheaper so you can afford paying for both. Plus if you can pay for only one it means you are putting yourself in a bad financial situation so you won't be able to help for necessities. And even if one doesn't strugle, sometimes it's good to have a little money to be more comfortable, especially if she wants to get married/start a family.
It’s their money they can do what they want with it. Don’t expect gifts from other people. They said if the other sister was in need they would help her too (treating them fairly) but she’s not. So she can pay for the vacay or not go 🤷🏽♂️
I remember when my dad and stepmum went on their honeymoon, they brought my 6yo stepsister back a beautiful Venetian mask (that she broke within 2 weeks) and they brought me (11yo and never cared about sports) back a football shirt 😐 15 years later and I’m still bitter
For the babysitting one, I think OP could have been a bit more gentle about how they said it but I don't think their stance was wrong, *at all*. If it were me, I would probably apologize for being blunt but I would stand my ground. It's not reasonable to request time or money that I don't have to give.
Yess I agree! She's young still learning how to effectively set boundaries but she is not wrong at all. She was a little blunt with what she said but she already admitted that and was ready to Apologize!
I would go far and say that it's unreasonable to request time or money and expect to receive without being open to the possibility of the other person saying no, cause It doesn't matter if the person has that time, money or energy to give, I think is wrong to expect someone else (family or not) to help with your responsabilities and obligations, the right thing is to ask and see what happens with no expectations cause big favors should not be forced. I do agree that there Is always a polite an gentle way to say things.
I had a very similar experience as the second AITA with the OP going on vacation. My dad would pay for things for my sister while not offering the same to me. He would blame it on she’s less responsible than I am with her money and that I was in less debt, so he needed to help her. Like thanks for the complement, but it’s still unfair to treat your children differently just because one constantly makes bad choices.
Yeah it sounded like partially the problem here was how parents handled it. They handled it terribly making it like its OP fault for being financially responsible sister. If they phrased it as, we want u both for this family vacation as it our dream vacation, but since ur sister can't join for financial reasons, we will pay to help her attend with us. Then the parents should expect to pay for maybe meals for both to make it more fair/ expect the sister to cover smaller expenses like meals and they only cover room and flight. Sometimes it the parents that ruin it between siblings. Sorry u had to experience that as well :/
I interpreted the trip one differently. I think the OP is upset that the sister is getting money she doesn't deserve. She's saying that the sister could afford things like the trip if she would be more responsible with their money - sounds like she's not living within her means so she is putting herself in a worse financial situation. They probably should have picked a trip that everyone could afford instead of handing money to the sister. Handing money to the sister is perpetuating poor money management because the sister knows she can get money from them whenever she needs to which shouldn't be expected as an adult.
A comment on the financial aspects of sisterhood. I’m all about equity not equality. My younger sister is almost done with grad school and my parents gave her money for groceries, they also help her out financially when we went on vacation. At the same time my mom babysits my child and twin’s two boys when we work, it’s not literal money but it is a financial burden lifted off of us. Our parents help us the way we need it (and gifts are always equal)
I remember once for xmas my step-grandfather gave me like ~$500 (I can't remember exactly b/c it was awhile ago) when he gifted my older step-sister (who has kids and was married at the time) the usual $150 we both get from him during the holiday (it is by far the most money a family member ever gifts me personally). My mom (I lived with my parents 'part-time' as I was in college and living on campus most of the time), was flabergasted and after calming down, called him and asked if he got the two of us confused. He didn't, he knew I was paying for college by myself and worked hard to earn my scholarships and was also working part-time in retail while working on several passion projects as well. He also put himself through college similarly and knew that money like that would've put his mind at ease in case of an emergency. My mom was still miffed but told me never to tell my sister (ofc I didn't). I saved the money and it helped me pay off my first college loan when I was ready. My sister never went to traditional college, she did an RN program while she stayed with my parents and I while I was in high school. She's notoriously bad with money, makes bad financial and life decisions, so on one hand I understand his decision to give me more that year than her, while still seeing it as 'unfair.' What I really wish is that my mom had never asked b/c I feel like the amount of money I'm given as a gift wasn't her business to begin with.
He knew exactly what he did and this money was for your college and should take a few worries off your shoulders. He did something really good. He simply acted need-oriented. Maybe it's a tough decision for your step-sister. But you used the money for your future and that's awesome ❤️
That's the part for me- it's none of anyone else's business what "help" someone gets. I just was invited to a destination wedding; did I ask if anyone else was getting their trip paid for? Of course not, why would I? Even if that information was offered, it wouldn't have changed anything to me.
Damn, your mom asking if he got the two of you confused is kinda rude with what the question is implying. Sounds like a lovely grandfather you have though.
The sailor moon book story always makes me think of the only major fight I’ve had with my sister… 😅 when we were teenagers (me 14 her 16) we could only afford 1 copy of the new Harry Potter book (7) so we decided to read it to each other out loud 😂😂 it got to like 1am and we were both loosing our voices and she decided she was going to take it and read it alone then she would give it to me to finish… we had a silent physical fight 😩 at 1am over a Harry Potter book… we laugh about it now 😂
As a long-haul acrylic nail person (over 5 years, though mine are short), there's a REASON that laws/rules about nails are in place for employees who prepare food (location context: Los Angeles-adjacent). I literally looove my acrylic nails and I respect that I'm never allowed to prepare food and I stay at the FOH (front of house) as a server or takeout position. BOH (back of house, anyone who prepares food) has entirely different and more strict apparel rules. Hair nets, uniforms from corporate rather than just black button ups and jeans, hats, etc INCLUDING short clean nails free of polish, acrylic, etc. Like I love my nails and other beautiful decorated nails, and I mix my own food for only myself-party of 1-with my hands all the time, but I would not have touched her salad 🥴🤢
I think with the second one the easier option would be for the parents to split the money so the sisters are both paying less money for the trip, but they are each getting help with the funds. It's also not anyone's place to assume what someone else can afford to pay for something that's not necessary and expecting they pay their hard earned money for something they didn't plan themselves
Thank you for acknowledging that family expectations vary by culture 😊 that’s a huge consideration. And yes, college is a HUGE commitment! agree with everything y’all said
I have gotten married, and it was great. A beautiful day, nice event and a little tiring. Feeling obligated to invite people can kinda suck. My parents guilted me into just giving our elderly neighbor an invite as more of an announcement, and no one thought she could come anyway. Well, she showed up, and she was okay, until she grabbed my wrist hard as I literally tried to pull away and then told me that I had to do this religious ceremony that she did. No regard for my own plans and feelings. Granted, she is not fully in her right mind at that age, but still, that was a legitimately frightening moment and actually made me shed a tear later when I remembered it on my own wedding night. But uh... Other than that? Great day and everyone else was nice! Haha
I can totally relate to how the college student felt when she was assumed as a default main babysitter just because she is in college. My dad was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease a few years ago and during the diagnosis and dosage adjustment stage he had to go to the hospital for appointments a lot. My family just told me to take on all the shifts of accompanying him to the doctors because I am "currently studying and have the most free time". I did it anyway and was really behind on work with the hospital trips because I didn'tk now how to push back on that demand back then.
About the * 'comunication is key' * , being from an abusive houshold with 2 narcicistic parents, it's ok to stop comunicating with them :) You can't fix them, they will just keep using you.
Second post about parents paying for one sister's trip and not the other's: I'm the middle sister, which kind of sucked sometimes. The oldest often got the new things, and the youngest often got the 'consolation' extra things for, IDK, being youngest? Middle sister never gets special things for being the middle sis... When mom bought a car for my little sister, my dad muttered where are the cars for the other sisters (parents are divorced, dad always gives equal amounts for BDs and Cristmases). At that point in life, I (and my older sister) had accepted that mom favors the youngest, and we didn't even really mind as she is the only outgoing one of us. Sure, she got more money (we got money growing up by asking mom; can I get money for this purchase? not a weekly/monthly allowance) and even a car (that I don't think she even asked for), but she liked to shop in the city and we liked to read in the town library. She also stayed with mom for a few years after we older sisters left for Uni while mom was in poor shape, which got rid of the smidge of resentment very quickly (cutting mom's toenails, vacuuming the whole house... good for you sis for getting that car!) In short, I was jealous about little things (like getting to pick a colour first), rather than the big things. For the post itself: the parents are the assholes for suggesting a "family vacation" that *the family* can't afford. The parents can't pay for all, the one sis can't pay for herself... clearly the thing is outside of their current means. Choose something that everyone from the family can afford, or at least have the parents pay half of *each* sister's trip😥😓
Oh my God the one about random family at the wedding... my wedding had people from my husband's side of the family who he didn't even recognize 😅 it luckily went off fine but at the end of the day I honestly just wanted out of the entire ordeal. I'm happy with my husband, I didn't need all the crazy you know?
That's why I want my wedding to be only with people who know us personally, I want it to be a celebration of the union of 2 people not a show for others to watched and judge
This is such a breath of fresh air. Almost 100% of these AITA scenarios revolve around weddings, kids, in-laws, etc. and most of them are completely irrational in my view as well. People criticize the West for being individualistic, but I'm grateful that I grew up in a culture that didn't over-emphasize the institution of the family. Seems like it brings mostly drama and dependency.
The sister stealing clothes and not washing them was literally my sister. It was so freaking frustrating to have just cleaned things and expecting that you could wear your own clothing, only to find out that your clothes aren’t where you expected them to be. Especially when I did my own laundry. So I totally understand the annoyance of that one.
I don’t understand how people can both come together and think about having a child when they financially can’t afford it. Not only are you expecting your family to 1. Pay your debts off?? And 2. Take care of your child is the most entitled thing I’ve ever heard! If the parents would’ve asked if anyone was willing to help out instead of demanding them to pay up then it would’ve been a different story. It just boggles my mind how the parents are so willing to drag everyone else down because they aren’t in a good spot to take care of their own children
49:19 I think that if the bride knew that her sister is dressing according to her religion, then maybe she should have brought up the bridesmaid dress before asking her to be the bridesmaid.
well the religious sister doesnt have to make a drama about getting the special role of a bridesmaid. they arent forced to wear the dress if they just attent as a normal guest. no matter if its religion or sum else: if its someone elses wedding then dont expect to get special fancy treatment just for you. be a normal guest, then you can wear what you want
@@tiny._.sxnshine where does it say that she demanded being a bridesmaid? Anyway, alone the sentence "it's her duty to weare what I want" is absolutely ridiculous. Sounds like a horribly nerve wracking bride
Just finished listening! It makes me so happy to see cristines and Jen’s relationship, my twin sister and I are best friends , and it makes me happy to see more sister’s with good relationship, I feel sad for to hear about stories of people who aren’t close with their siblings. Always love the podcast episodes with Jen💗
i have come across many of those family stories and i think it is outrageous how peoples boundaries are never respected. idk if this is an american thing, but im sure in every country theres something like this. it makes me super super angry. i once read about a mother in law being super entitled and the mother of the child was asking for help and i swear to you, all the comments are like 'you are ungrateful, u should be so happy to have someone to babysit, your mother in law is a saint' and im like what the actual fuck. if this woman cant respect the mother, she has no right to be in their life at all. people honestly think that family automatically deserves respect. no, it doesnt matter if im related to you or not, you have to earn the respect
I really missed your podcasts these past weeks but I totally understand now why there has been a longer break. Family is a first priority and I am so so sorry to hear about Ben's mom passing away. My deepest condolences to him and his brother Matt. I hope to see him again soon on this channel but let him have as much time as he needs. 🙏🏻😢💙
I've actually been in the stituation this holiday sisters are. It took much more time from my brother to get self sufficient than me and my parents often ended up pitching in so that he could take part in family holidays and have the things he needed. It never crossed my mind to demand I get the same or try to dictate how my brother should live. Because I am a grown up, I don't need their money and it is their money and I wish to have my brother around.
This!! My exact thoughts. Plus I would've been more bummed had they been not able to make it I would suggest pitching in to help them join us. That's what family do. OP was def judgmental of sister and had a jealousy going between them. Parents help until u get on ur 2 feet. Some ppl take more time than others and situations can never compare. Esp in this scenario where sister is working hard to be independent and isn't slacking off dependent on parents.
Regarding the trip, it actually sounds like the parents are favoring the non op sister. It also sounds like the op will get these same excuses for the rest of their parents life. I personally hate vacations with family like this. Once you have kids you can’t avoid it too. I’d take the friend trip.
For sure! And the op has also made decisions that fits her budget. If she wanted to live in a nicer place and do things that was out of her budget like the sister does she probably wouldn't have the money for a vacation either. They're basically rewarding the sister for being financially irresponsible and enabling her to keep living that way by paying for her instead of forcing her grow up.
I think op forgets her own financial luck here. She could move away to a cheaper area, not everyone can depending on your job or having no savings to bridge the moving gap. She lives with a partner which means she automatically has half the rent she would have alone which is a big help in saving. She also has a better earning job, which she is lucky for. Not everyone’s passion earns the same but even if it wasn’t about passion, not everyone can have a high paying job. It’s possible considering all those factors, if she did not have those lucky circumstances, she would maybe also not be able to afford it.
Yeah, it's not like OP's sister was lacking funds because of a situation outside of her own control. If she had a medical condition that kept her from working or was costly to treat, that would be different. I think family should take care of each other and I think equal isn't always equitable. But I also think that actions have consequences and the parents should be mindful of enabling and favoritism. She chose to spend her money a certain way and a family vacation isn't a necessity. Sis should pay her own way.
I would've thrown my brother out for coming into my house and throwing my stuff out! That's not okay, I don't care who you are. Then refusing to pay for it to replace it?! Absolutely not. I would not be the one apologizing.
My only question is was the food expired? I know that sounds weird but my husband and I lived with my MIL for a few months when our first child was a baby and we were in between houses. Our first day there I noticed that a lot of food in the pantry was years out of date (up to 10 years 🤯) so I went through the pantry and the fridge and tossed all the old stuff and went grocery shopping. My god was she mad. Apparently you do not throw away hoarders things no matter how deadly they can be to your child 🤷♀️
@@esmeraldagreengate4354 if it was expired, that would have been the reason given, not that the food “wasn’t healthy”. plus, in your situation, the food was replaced. the sister in the story refused to replace or pay for the food she threw out.
On the holiday question, I think the issue is that she was told rather than consulted. I have four siblings with various different financial situations, and the same rules don’t apply to everyone. However there would also be a discussion and while my parents wouldn’t ask permission for everything, they would explain their reasoning and make sure we understood what was happening.
As someone with long nails, I use a nail brush to make sure they are clean. Even if it was self tanner, I don't want to eat that shit! Ewww. Why didn't she use tongs if she knew she had self tanner all over her hands?! 🤢🤢 But yes, sometimes under my long nails is discolored because of staining!
The sister who acts like her ex calling her a cheater in his menu is hilarious but really, you got divorced he likely put that as his reason so it shouldn't be a surprise he knew
Jen was great! I always appreciate seeing the adult sister relationship - grateful to be close to my little sister as well. 💓 Our family also made a point to gift us equally and I think it's helpful for many reasons, the least of which isn't that it reduces animosity b/w the siblings. We've made a point of doing the same with our 3 girls.
Bridesmaid dress bride is absolutely the a**hole, and you guys are right, setting a colour and having everyone wear a different dress still looks great. I asked my 3 bridesmaids to wear "a black dress you're willing to wear in front of my grandmother" and I provided the matching accessories. Everyone wore what they were comfortable in and what flattered them best AND nobody spent more than $50 on their dresses either. Bridesmaid dresses are often unflattering, not everyone's colour, and expensive on top of that.
The college sister not wanting to take care of her kids; I might be petty but what I might then do is involve my whoooole family in college. let them know all the expense and how much time you have. Can they pitch in to help you with college, in the long run it will benefit everyone if you goes to college. Can the family come up with the money you gets from the bakery job? Maybe if they can you offer to watch the babies occasionally. I think if I were you I would ask them for help back. Apologize and then show them your bank account and you write down your schedule and include study hours and let them figure it out. If they cannot help with your expense then you need the bakery job and you have no free time. I opt for being transparent. You have nothing to hide and being in college is hard.
I agree to all of it except for writing down the schedule. Because all i see happening is forcing in a babysitting shift in the only free time you have.
To be honest I think it really depends on the family. I know Americans tend to be more individualistic, but I know plenty of people where it is 100% normal and expected to pitch in for your family- BECAUSE your family will pitch in for you as well.I don't know why you think that asking them for help back would be "petty", or how you know OP is not getting any help from their family. I am in university and working. I also regularly babysit my cousins, and tutor my second cousin for free. And I think it's quite reasonable for my aunts and uncles to expect that, because when I was little, they babysat me. And when I needed help with school, or my computer broke, or I needed money to fund my education, they were there for me. So why would I not be there for them? We don't know what OPs family is like, and we don't know how it is with their family. But to act like people asking you for help is somehow unreasonable, or a failure is a very weird way of thinking for me, and it just makes me sad. There's a reason why the saying "It takes a village to raise a child" exists.
@@samiraansari5686 But it is unreasonable to expect the help. It’s one thing to ask a favour it’s another to expect to the point that it becomes a demand. The 19 year old didn’t decide to have the kids the parents did. That means that they need to plan as if they are the only people who can take care of them. The extra help is nice and would be appreciated, but you don’t factor expecting someone els to help you raise your child into the equasion when making the decision about wether or not to have a child. No the help is a bonus, not a nessesity that must be there to make it possible.
The second one really hit home with me, no pun intended. My parents always paid for my sister when we went anywhere as a foursome, simply because I had money in the bank whereas she always lived paycheck to paycheck and pissed her money away on frivolous things like tattoos and concert tickets and once even decided to spend 6 weeks not working and following a band around on tour with a friend. When I was in my thirties I expressed my frustration to my dad about this, and he shared with me that he had been putting aside money for both of us over the years and my balance was growing while hers was dwindling. That's where the money was coming from for them to always pay for her.
My sister is vegan, and I am not. But she would NEVER come to your house and start throwing away all the things that are not vegan!! 😵 The situation is not about being vegan, but it's a similar situation. I visit her regularly, and when I am there I eat the same food they cook for themselves. But if we order something from a restaurant she is not expecting or demanding me to order vegan food I can order what ever I want and she is okey with that. Some times people are just so entitled and selfish It's beyond me! All that wasted food and money makes me so mad!!
I relate hard to the second post about the family trip. I was always the sibling that was careful with my money and life choices and paid for myself and even helped my parents. My sister on the other hand was never good with money and constantly gets aid from my parents. It's favoritism and it is very frustrating to go through.
I feel that. If I ever got into money troubles, my parents would help me out the same; but that is not the problem. The problem is that my (and the OP's) sister is kind of being rewarded for being financially irresponsible. And it's infuriating if you're the one that saves up and makes compromises and passes up on things, to be able to afford other stuff. And my sister just gets my parents money. Behaviour like that enrages me to no end ^^
@@Littlesumo18 It really does reward bad behavior and teaches them that mom and dad will always be there to help them out. Parents never see it that way but it really hurts there kid in the end because they never learn to take care of themselves or that bad decisions have consequences. I feel bad because I think my sister sees my parents more as piggy banks than anything else and never truly appreciates what they do for her.
It's like, oh too bad I'm an idiot who cares about my finances. If only I was more reckless, I could have a nicer car or whatever while my parents help cover my rent!
I feel like the long description of how her sister is in an unfairly underpaid career and also "not being in a relationship" the way OP is has nothing to do with favoritism and everything to do with resentment from things that have nothing to do with her sisters life at all. It seems OP spends an unhealthy amount of time being critical of her sister and praising herself for being "good with money" that shes become unnecessarily judgemental of things that have nothing to do with her. Like her sisters relationship status. She wants her sister to live alone away from her friends and find a job she doesn't like because that's what OP felt like she had to do. It's resentment, not favoritism.
@@aeaeae7 Or you could look at it like this: it paints a picture of why the sister has less money, that it has nothing to do with her being lazy or anything. But she still has to make life choices with the income she has. Why does the other sibling have to suffer for that. Why don't the parents pay half of each child's vacation and they can find some place that both sisters can afford. Why does one get a vacation for free and one has to pay full? Of course it's coloured with resentment, it's bloody unfair after all.
I love a good sister podcast! My sister and I are 8 years apart but have a pretty good relationship. I'm definitely enjoying judging/relating to these posts.
so they want their 19 year old child/sister, who's in college, to not only take time out of her day to babysit her sister's kids, but to also PAY HER SISTER MONEY?!?! What the heck???
I love how you guys discussed having a good relationship with each other. I'm also lucky enough to have a good relationship with my sister and I get tired of seeing sisters pitted against each other in media. On a sadder note, I was unaware of Ben's mom passing away. My deepest condolences.
These are not my favorite episodes, for that reason. I'm always left feeling riled up about stuff that isn't even my problem or Cristine/Ben/Jen's problems.
With regard to the dirty nails- all kinds of things can turn off someone's appetite. If I find a hair in my food- I feel sick and can't finish my food. Some things just make us not be able to eat something- you shouldn't have to force yourself
I don't have a sister, but relative, friend, lover, whatever- if someone threw away over a THOUSAND dollars worth of my food for a stupid reason like that, out of nowhere? My god. That crazy sister is lucky ALL she got was kicked out of the house. That's insane.
I love when Jen is in videos because it reminds me so much of me and my sister 😂😊 Sending love for Ben 💖 I hope he has a comforting Mench on his shoulders and a comforting Zy in his lap. 💕
For the sister being removed from the bridal shower due to dress issues I can definitely relate. I was my sister's maid of honor at her wedding and I told her that I was not comfortable wearing a dress. Her husband's best man was his sister and she wore a dress (same style as the bridesmaid's but a color that matched the groomsmen). I felt that it would work well if I could wear the same suit the groomsmen were wearing but in the color of the bridesmaid's dresses. This was something my sister was not comfortable with and I ended up having to wear dress instead. Overall it was an extremely overwhelming experience and if I could do it again I'd rather just not be in the wedding than force myself into clothes that make me feel physically ill.
In my wedding, I wanted my bridesmaids to be happy! My best friend preferred suit and that was perfectly fine with me! I also gave my bridesmaids a color and let them choose whatever was comfortable for them.
This vacation question has so much slant, it's pretty eyeroll...The parents want everyone to go on vacation. The OP specifically said they don't want their trip to be paid for. They are within their own means and will go on a vacation of some sort with either friends or family. The parents should pay for whatever vacation they want, because the parents can do whatever they want with their money to get the result they desire. It will not affect OP's finances or "vacation-ability" either way. The only thing that changes the attendees of the trip is whether or not the OP goes. And that's their own personal choice to make. The OP confuses equity and equality. I'm the classic middle child, living a completely independent life from my family. My older sibling gets help from my parents regarding my nieces, my younger sibling gets to live with the parents rent free, and I get to pay a third of my parent's five-line phone bill. I'm not a victim to unequal treatment. We don't live the same lives. Our needs are different. The assistance we give and get from from our parents is not equal, but I'm too old to be petty or care. If I can thrive without assistance, I'll just continue to do so and not complain when others get resources to thrive as well.
Yes! Different lives different needs. If my parents treated us all completely equal we would have had worse childhoods and worse adulthoods than we do now. I wouldn’t want the same toys as my siblings since we had different interests, and inslag don’t need the same help as them since I was lucky enough to get a higher paying job. I’m glad they can financially support any of my siblings when needed, because I think they deserve as much as I have. They’re not lesser deserving for making less money
The parents can do what they want with their money but (assuming OP's post was generally honest) it seems that the parents had a patern of bailing OP's sister out of self made financial problems. It sounds like they are saying it's just the salary difference and ignoring the different spending habits. I would honestly feel slighted too if I were in her shoes. Sure she could afford the vacation but it's because she sacrificed other comforts like living in a cheaper, less desirable area. It would be like OP taking her vacation budget and blowing it on personal items and then asking her parents to help her pay for her vacation. I definitely agree that equal and equitable aren't always the same but actions should have consequences and if the sister spent too much to afford the vacation, that's her own problem. If it was just the salary difference but both sisters were fairly responsible with their money, I would say it would be fair for the parents to help one more than the other.
I think she didn’t like that her parents expects her to her whole trip while her sister doesn’t have to. Also that she didn’t like there reasoning. They think that becomes she is more financially well off that she can pay her own. She says that the reason is more well financially is because she is more frugal and cautious of her money while her sister makes less but chooses to live in a more expensive place and spends more money than the OP. The parents want a family trip.
@@tvtvtfan3767 Think of it in another way. For all intents and purposes, paying for someone else's vacation is a gift. Are you within your right to complain that the receiver of a gift should not get the gift? Are you entitled to determine that the receiver of a gift does not deserve the gift? Rewards are given in recognition of something. OP think their sister is being rewarded for not being as financially responsible. On the contrary, the sister has been bestowed a gift, given freely (to some degree). And a gift is not a reward.
A good solution to the bridesmaid dress problem is letting each person choose a dress in a set color rather then a set dress, or having a range of a color for people to be within, thus allowing any style choices that may be flattering for them or fit their religion while also matching the wedding theme/style.
The equal treatment for children is tricky, my brother and I never felt we were treated differently but now the situation is so different. Personally, all I want is for us to be able to help eachother if we have the resorces to do so. But I noticed my parrents are verry stressed about not giving more to one sibling than the other.
The 19 year old college sibling situation: next time they go to dinner, they should state that the job they have is now asking for them to do more hours and so they expect the whole family to pitch in and take a shift (and not get paid for that work) and to provide money to help through this hard financial time. If they can’t see how ridiculous it is and how what they have asked you to do is essentially the same, then maybe your family doesn’t actually support you the way they expect you to support them.
About the one with the vacation... It seemed to me like they were planning a very expensive trip, knowing that one of the daughters would not be able to pay for it. If their whole intention was to have a family vacation they could always choose a cheaper destination or pay both of them a little bit. As someone who couldn't afford to go abroad for a couple years now I would feel very weird accepting the money anyway when my sibling pays for themselves...
I love how you (simply) and your sister (jennnnnn) have the same “see y’all later byyyye.” Thank you for the podcast today AND take all the time you need. Grieving is a seemingly endless introspective and iterative process - it has all those layers you talked about in today’s podcast. Take care.
For the one with the family vacation, I was really confused by OP's reaction. I can understand that she's hurt and that the circumstances weren't fair (plus I think my sister and I have a very different dynamic), but if it were me, I would understand the situation was calling for equity over equality. If I could comfortably pay for my expenses, I would definitely understand the circumstances. They're not fair circumstances, but family trips are always important, it's not like the parents *could* afford to pay for both of them, but didn't want to. A lot of the wording also seemed like OP resented her parents/sister a little too much, for which I'd say there's probably more to it than this single incident. I would have taken the trip if I was in her shoes, family time is really important to me. --> But again, the family dynamics I have is likely very different from what other people experience, so I can understand Im providing a narrow lense for this opinion
Definitely agree on all fronts. If it happened to me, it wouldn't be fair, but in my family dynamic, I would rather have a vacation with loved ones than bring up the fairness ledger.
I definitely read a lot of resentment and frankly jealously from that post. Like to me it screams that OP is unhappy with her job, where she lives, her partner and her general life choices but is telling herself she is actually better than other people because she is making all of these "frugal" sacrifices. She wants her sister to be just as unfulfilled as her and because she's not she is hyper critical of every single action. OP is justifying her own unhappiness by unfairly judging other people, and honestly, probably is insufferable to be around. I can't imagine the kind of person who is so motivated by money and make believe status symbols like being in a relationship is very nice to her sister/family in private. Like imagine they are on the vacation and the sister talks about a budding new relationship ? Or how excited she is about her career? I can't imagine OP would be supportive and wouldn't try to make the conversation about herself somehow. I know people who talk like OP and they are usually insufferable, always judging things from a self centered point of view, always bringing attention to how much they "sacrifice" to have their perfectly manicured life, never acknowledging their privilege(OP having a partner to help for example), always judging people who aren't like them, and generally being a kill joy when others are trying to let loose.
I was also shocked at the amount of people ignoring the equity vs equality element of this. It just feels really insensitive to say things like, well just get a better paying job or just don’t live in the city. Some people can’t afford to leave their job or leave the city. There’s some classism at play in the comments of this particular AITA. As someone work works in the not for profit sector and lives in a major city, but who lives frugally so that I can afford to do *things* in general, it’s disheartening to see. Also, it would appear OP admitted they’re jealous of her sister’s situation in an edit and also in the comments said that the trip was sprung on them and the sister didn’t have time to budget, soooo. I really feel like more empathy should have been shown.
I didn’t know Ben’s mom had passed, and I was wondering why no podcast for a while. I’m so sorry. Hugs and snuggles from my kitties to all of you.
He doesn't post much on his Instagram
, but he does occasionally and that's where I first heard.
The “Sarah chicken cheating ass” is the most petty thing ever! And I’m living for it!! 🤣😂
Oh my god the babysitting one… she’s 19 in college she’s going to be busy AF. Idk why but when people feel entitled to someone else’s time, resources, etc it really fills me with rage 😂
I'm in college with no job and still busy, can't imagine with a part time job. Even if I had a day off, my brain would be so worn I could never properly care for a kid, much less twin babies
That person's sister is the one who chose to have children so they should be asking the husband's family for help instead of trying to bully a college student with only a part-time job into supporting them financially in any shape or form. Absolutely disgusting behavior. Greedy, selfish and entitled. OP does not owe their sister anyting
Seriously. I was enraged when the rest of the family not only seemed to not question it but give money?! Nah, that’s your choice to have the kids & we’re trying regardless of financial stability. Not cool.
Someone once tried to guilt me into offering money to a relative because they had children (and very much chose to, it was not a surprise or anything) but could not realistically afford to and I, being childless, had "plenty of money". Like...what is this idea that the responsibility of raising a child is everyone's except the parents?
the poster said this lady was struggling to have kids, girl she shouldn't have kept trying if she was in debt and couldn't support them! if you can't afford to stay home from work or pay for daycare you cannot have a kid. you wouldn't get a dog if you couldn't afford vet visits smh hope that girl is okay and kept studying.
Can I just say the balls on that family for expecting a college student to financially support a significantly older sibling and their children?!
And they aren't the most stable either they are in college with 70 bux
Exactly, sometimes parents are really unfair in their expectations cause they let blind love win over logic and reasonable justice
The first one made me sooo angry! I absolutely hate wasting food and avoid it at all costs so if someone were to go through my fridge/pantry and throw out food that is perfectly good to eat, I would be FUMING.
SAME. and i didnt see a ton of comments about it: i would be so goddamn furious!!
@@steph_lopez wasnt there like precut vegetables? thats gotta be in a fridge right?
@@steph_lopez there I fixed it :p
And the OP sister defending her food like "it's not even that bad"...she should not even have to defend the healthiness of her food. It does not matter if it was all doritos and twinkies and mountain dew. It doesn't matter what the food was it was HER PROPERTY and that is the end of the discussion. Don't touch what don't belong to you, period. I would be LIVID.
She said $1000 in food? Isn't that, like, grand theft? I might file a police report.....
Speaking as a 29 yr old, there's no 32 yr old in their right mind who would expect a 19 yr old sibling to contribute to paying off their debt! That's insanity!
The expectant sister situation: OP should have a sit-down with her pregnant sister & ask how much money she plans to contribute to her tuition each semester & how many hrs/wk she can dedicate to helping OP study. This is an absurd dynamic to me.
It's even worse, the twins are already 10 months old. It's a huge responsibility to care for a baby, let alone two the same age. This whole situation is just insane.
I'm gonna be really blunt in regards to the parents that want the other family members to watch/pay for their kids: they shouldn't have been purposefully trying to have kids in the first place if it's true that they're in mountains of debt and both work very long hours. It's morally wrong to procreate children that you can't take care of, and they damn sure shouldn't be expecting a 19 year old to give all of her time and money to kids she didn't make.
YES, couldn't agree more!! I honestly find it despicable when people have kids they can't take care of (for whatever reason), children deserve better than that. I've heard the argument that "pOoR PeOpLe DeSeRvE cHiLdReN tOo" but as cold as it may sound, I don't agree. People don't "deserve" children, children deserve a decent life. If you can't provide that, then don't be a parent. Children's wellbeing comes before the parents' desires.
@@KreeZafi I'm so glad someone understands. A lot of times when I try to explain that children are complex human beings that should ideally be planned ahead for I get "OH SO KIDS SHOULD ONLY BE HAD BY RICH FAMILIES???!!!" Like no, that's not what I said. Kids are people. They feel the stress of parents that aren't prepared, that can't make it to the next paycheck, that couldn't make the mortgage, etc. The effects of that can be lifelong. I know because that's the environment I was raised in.
One of my co workers is 15 years old. He skips meals and walks to work. I've picked him up and fed him. I know he loves his mom, and I love mine, but frankly this should not be the life of a child. It's exactly why my husband and I haven't had kids. We know that at this stage in our life our money would be spread far too thin.
Kids don't have to be born to millionaires, but they should probably be raised in a home by people that aren't begging their 19 year old little sister for money and free childcare.
To add on it, IMHO govt or your employer should make provisions for child care, maternity/paternity leave etc. or reimburse the parents for the same.
Exactly! Also as a parent, why would you want a busy 19 year old with no child raising experience to take care of your TWINS??? They just seem all over irresponsible
Its not that simple though, most women aren’t able to get an abortion if they get pregnant and are forced to have children. Especially women in poverty.
For the 19 year old college student, it feels especially sad to hear that the parents said to them that “the family takes care of each other” but how that excludes recognizing the value of OP’s education, and how it’s a huge investment of time and energy, or providing for them financially as a struggling student and young adult. Why can’t they see that someone like OP also needs to be considered in the family dynamic?
Right? The 32-year-old sister didn't have do any of this at 19 I assume
especially since I'd bet my left foot that 19yr old is taking massive loans to cover her education and I'll bet no one is helping them. her sister and her husband shouldn't have tried for a kid if they couldn't afford it.
Sorry to hear about Ben, I hope he’s taking the time he needs and y’all do too! Love you guys
Noooo what’s wrong with Ben?! I’m just watching now
@@moonshine8821 his mother passed away
@@mepommier oh my goodness.... prayers to him. That is horrible..
@@mepommier thanks for letting me know
@@mepommier omg first her father now his mom 😔
As someone who JUST got married, I was very accommodating for my bridesmaids. Tattoos? Show them. Can’t walk in heels? Wear sneakers. Don’t wanna show your arms? I allowed them to wear sleeved and shawls. I wanted them all to look and feel their best, and that far outweighed my need to have everyone look the same. Some women are so extra and demanding when it comes to their weddings. Respect your bridesmaid’s comfort levels...
on the babysitting one WHO ON EARTH expects financial help from a college student? like they are most probably overworking themselves with all the college work and part time job and i don't think most people in this situation would have any money to give out even if they can manage some time to babysit.
I was floored by the money demand! I get being asked to babysit if you can but asking people how much money they can give you, just what?! You can't just expect people to give you their money because your situation is difficult. Maybe start with asking for a bloody loan 🤯
Even if they weren't in college. If they don't have a lot of money to spare, like maybe they don't have a job because of sickness or are between jobs, they should still not expect money from that person.
For the wedding one I feel like a lot of people missed the part where the sister said that her siblings are SPOILED and KNOWN for causing trouble and ruining things so I think its totally justified for her not to want them at her wedding even if they are her siblings
I didn't invite my now step father in law to ours for the same reason. He was well known for causing scenes at family functions, can't stand not being the center of attention, and is just in general a complete asshole. So we decided(as a couple, my husband was 100% in agreement) that he wasn't invited. There were angry and annoyed people. We didn't give a shit. He didn't come, and it was one less thing we had to be stressed about that day.
And also I don't remember it being the mom getting married? So why should she get to decide the guestlist
but they're blood relative. you do for family. that being said wedding parties last till 4am usually so they would have to leave and be babysat at some point.
@flirting gracefull platypus Doesn't matter if they're blood. If they can not behave at an important event, then it's just better for everyone that they're excluded. It's also just less of a headache for everyone on an already stressful day. Also, it's their wedding, so they have the ultimate say. OP even offered to find child care for her siblings, showing she still cares for them; she just doesn't want to handle the bad behavior (cause it sounds like mom won't handle it).
@@rock2946 my sister and her husband wanted to say children weren't invited to the wedding solely because she didn't want my brothers kids there because they're horribly behaved. But ultimately they couldn't just say no to all kids in general for a lot of reasons which unfortunately meant that our brother brought his kids along too. It was a nightmare. Just picture it , everyone dressed very nicely in wedding attire, then 3 bratty kids all dressed in shitty play clothes. You're trying to enjoy the expensive wedding meal, 3 kids screaming their heads off that they want McDonald's! Which ultimately someone went and got for them. The youngest, a girl, being extremely unsocialized and screaming her head off the entire time because she had to be held the ENTIRE time and ONLY by my brother or his wife (the wife refusing to even acknowledge her kids for the whole night because instead of just getting a freaking babysitter so they could enjoy themselves she decides ohh well and brings all 3 kids with them, then pushes them off onto my brother for the ENTIRE night even tho HE was in the wedding party and had responsibilities/obligations. She did not), ALL of the beautiful wedding photos of the wedding party all nicely dressed and looking wonderful, then there being just one random kid dressed in shitty play clothes in all of the pictures because he refused to stop running into them because "he wanted to take pictures too" even tho the photographers were taking pictures all night of the entire event and all the guests AND they even rented a photo booth/stand for the guests to take their pictures with different backgrounds and signs and props and have the pictures emailed to them and also printed out on the spot for memory keepsakes, but nooo this kid HAD to jump into all of the professional wedding pictures and they all absolutely refuse to listen to or even acknowledge my brother so they ignored him when he was trying to discipline them and make them stop and his wife was just drinking the night away with the "they're fire they're not hurting anything" attitude. Like how are YOU gonna decide that what your kind is interrupting is okay at someone else's wedding ?! Anddddd when the wedding party and bride/groom walk back into the reception all in order after the ceremony, the one same kid HAD to run over and not only walk in with us which again ruined the pictures and the whole situation, but the little brat also tried to take the rig bearer's(my son) little sign he was holding while walking/for the pictures. I swear there is NOTHING in this world that o absolutely HATE with every fiber of my being more than horribly behaved terrible children. I don't care who you are, no kids will be at my wedding. Period. And if I decided to allow SOME children, I would have no issue what so ever telling certain people exactly why their invitation clearly states adults only. Okay rant over lol. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My oldest sister got married recently, and all the bridesmaids wore the same dress, except my other sister who is extremely uncomfortable in dresses and wore a suit. The photos still look wonderful, even the ones of just the bridesmaids where it's more obvious, but more importantly, my sister was comfortable. It's really not difficult to cater to people, and the fact people are happy and comfortable at the wedding is more important than matching outfits especially if it's for the reason the OP gave
edit: Just to cover grounds, I think most people can agree it is her choice and that's not the point of me sharing that, just that it's not the only option and if she really cared about how others think as posting it would suggest, she had other options to explore that would not ruin her wedding
Love that so so much ❤️❤️❤️
And not everyone is going to look good in the one style or colour. I would rather the bridesmaid just look nice rather than half of them being in I'll suited dresses that match. What's the point if they aren't going to look good anyway?
@@esmeraldagreengate4354 Exactly! It's something that's always been super weird to me in American movies and TV shows. I'm getting married next summer and couldn't imagine making my friends, *adult women with their own styles and preferences*, buy matching dresses that they might have no other use for! And spend money on them, I'm assuming? Or would we be expected to pay for not only my dress, his suit and the party but also five other dresses?? I get that it may look nice in pictures and it's a cultural thing too but it's just insanity to me and I'm glad we don't have that tradition in my country :D
Ppp lol ipip
Yeah, if I'm honest I don't care much for religion at all but REGARDLESS of the reason I think people have the right to decide if they're not comfortable wearing something. For that reason I think it's better to just go with a theme (like a color scheme) and let people wear something they're comfortable with in that theme, instead of picking out a specific outfit that everyone has to wear.
This part I can relate to: "...do most hours since I was in college and didn't have any serious commitments."
Seriously! Going to college is the same as having two or three jobs...you have "homework", projects, and you have to study for midterms and finals.
Those that are in the quarterly systems are in a faster pace because the quarter is only 10 weeks. There are also semesters and go in a range of 14-16 weeks.
Let's not forget Internships (working for hours and most of the time you don't get paid).
Bottom line college is nothing like high school it's more challenging and more time consuming but it's worth it because you are accomplishing a goal/career out of it.
People that don't go to college will never understand the pressures and the glory when earning a Bachelors, Master's, or a PhD.
@Pinnacle Weirdo that’s relieving
I went to college and had to take my baby with me to class at times. I picked the class where it was the smallest group and everyone has supportive. I had zero free time but didn’t want to ask people to babysit because I didn’t want to burden them and felt that my baby was my baby and my responsibility.
I don't know.... Yes, uni is hard, especially when you want to have high marks or get a fellowship, getting a PhD is even worse, but it doesn't compare with the responsibility of a work place. I did work hard during my studies, but can't compare with how much I work now and the responsibilities I have. You can't compare the consequences of a missed deadline or a mistake in uni/college with the consequences at the work place where so many other people depend on you....
Pregnant older sister one: "Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm"
I had a child free wedding… well I was supposed to. All of my husband’s family ignored it. They brought all their kids. And they ruined my ceremony, ruined my decorations. And had a tantrum about not being able to take the lace we used for my ceremony. I’m still mad.
My parents wedding I had done a lot of the decorations myself and the children all that attended decided to play throwing knives at my balloon arch and as a result broke the arch, all the lights, and destroyed my expensive vinyl balloons that were supposed to last all night. And then took the helium tank and let al the helium out
Oh no! 😭 You didn't kick them out?
I wonder if this is cultural because I went to A LOT of weddings as a child (and with other children) and we were all super well behaved. Like it’s a WEDDING! It’s not a playground. Plus you get to sit there and see how pretty the whole thing is and the bride is like a princess when you’re that young. I’m always perplexed when ppl say children ruined their wedding. Sounds like poor parenting honestly. Why can’t your child sit through a wedding and behave themselves? And why are you as a parent not stepping in and stopping them from misbehaving? Like are the parents just sitting back and watching their kids ruin someone else’s special day?
@@Amsayy omg.. I kinda agree with Cristine and Jen on this.. It should be about two people and celebrating their love but usually it never is. I think if I ever do decide to get married I will hire a security guard or someone like that and whoever is being an asshole gets automatically kicked out. Like I'm not even kidding, even family. And I will inform everyone beforehand. If they don't care about my rules then don't come at all. See if I care..
Honestly reading all these kinds of stories about horrible things happening in other people's weddings makes me angry and sad at the same time. It should be your happiest day for crying out loud. Not some drama convention.. 😕🤦♀️
@@ninaasf-ck I found out as I was walking down the isle. I didn’t see anyone until then. And it was my husband’s family. I didn’t want to make it loud. It was a tinywedding. 30 guests. So everyone would have known
We love a sisterly guest star. Missed your podcasts and glad you all were able to have a break! But these past couple weeks you’ve been missed and am so glad to have you back!
The expectations of my family are if you can help out and you want to, then help. If you can’t or if it would mess with your priorities, then don’t help. So I find it crazy that someone would demand help watching their kids and are mad when they’re told no.
& expect money from a 19 year olds college student. Even if I needed money I wouldn't take it from my little sister when is also struggling.
I come from a family that operates on, "If you can help, you do help" and its a really simple and effective philosophy because we all end up in a position of needing help at some point. It's called banking karma. That said, we don't get pissy with each other or at least we try very hard not to when we've had high hopes of help and find there isn't any available. My brother respects that I'm not comfortable babysitting long term but I also respect that he bends over backwards trying to provide for his family and when I'm nearby and can fill in an hour here or there, it is added time where my nieces bond with me and my brother, SiL and mother are extremely grateful. Goodness knows I got a lot of help from my brother and mom when I was in college... my brother often giving me rides to classes despite just getting off a 12 hr shift, gas money after I finally got a car, sticking up for me with mom when I wanted to test boundaries (being the baby, female, and disabled often gets you put in a cocoon inadvertently) etc... my mom feeding me dinner every day, housing me, paying for my phone and insurance on a too small income. It's all called being a family and we are ultimately far more successful when we work together.
@@DC-wx6qy yeah... the assumption that she had the time and the expectation of money disgusted me... but also, I have to wonder if the family was actually aware of her financial situation... it doesn't sound like she's the best communicator or that any of them are really. I don't think the sister was at all wrong in asking for help with childcare though. I also hope they were asking friends and his family if they were nearby too. It takes a village to raise a child after all.
If this were an unexpected pregnancy, I could kinda understand, But,...
MO, if you try really hard to get pregnant and give birth, like these folks did, you should make sure you can afford to, and have time to, take care of YOUR children without demanding help from everyone in your family,.
The vacation one reminds me of me and my sister. She's 12 years older than me, is a well established nurse, and is married to a man that is a well established tech guy. Together they make wellllll over 100K. Probably 200. I'm answering phones in my dad's closet (we got sent home during the pandemic) and I'm making 35k. I'm in school to be a teacher and will never make as much money as her, unless I marry a Prince but thats not going to happen. But she thinks I'm using my parents, not working hard enough, and is generally mean to me because she thinks I should be on my feet by now. School tuition has DOUBLED since she graduated 10 years ago and none of my friends moved out because housing prices have also skyrocketed. So while I understand that it might look like coddling on ops part, but you have no idea what your sister has sacrificed, how hard she's worked, what her mental health is like, etc.
I'm also in this situation but on the opposite side and a little different. I'm the older sister by 2 years and I was always expected to be the responsible one. Where my sister from my view does get coddled. I never got to go out with friends because I had to work. I had to work to pay for my own college (community college) and help pay hers because she went to Uni when my parents couldn't , never had my rent or my car paid for by my parents while she has. Yes I get paid more than her (barely) but I work for it, I chose a career path that wasn't my first choice so I could afford to live, had to live outside of the city and cooked at home instead of eating out all the time so I actually have money to do the things I want while my sister gets all of that handed to her. So I would be extremely pissed off if I was in a situation where they are paying for her vacation but I have to work my ass off to go. She also chose to be a teacher ( which good for her for doing what she loves and she's good at it) and chooses to live a frivolous life style while I chose to be more responsible but why should I be punished/ treated unfairly for doing so? It just shows to me that it seems like my sister is the preferred daughter. IMO if sister wants to go on a family vacation she should make her own sacrifices to save money to go rather than having it handed to her while I have to spend my hard earned savings to go because I made the right decisions to save money rather than spending it all.
@@daybreakdragon
I'm not going to comment on your situation because my point still stands. We dont know how hard the younger sister actually does work. And I'm over encouraging people to work a job they hate "just to survive." Sister deserves to spend her money however she wants. She a grown adult and makes her own choices. You dont have to like them.
Yea the real issue here is that they're not choosing a place everyone can afford to begin with. It sounds like OP doesn't have money to spare period. If BOTH OF YOUR KIDS cant afford to go...why are you going?
My sister wants to go on a family trip and I'm sure I'm going to have plenty of moments where I remind her I cant afford to do that. I cant afford to eat there. I cant afford to do these things. Even after saving a few months. The family should meet in the middle and create a plan everyone can afford. Even if it means dropping luxuries.
My first thought was to the fact that the wealthier sister has a partner to split rent with, and we are literally in a housing crisis right now. Rent is astronomical, it's nearly impossible for people on a single income . The second sister sounds like the type of person who's only friend is their partner , and they wonder why noone else likes them .
@@jessijaneway6660 I 100% agree with you and all your points. With all of the aita posts it’s hard to know because you don’t have all of the information/ both sides of the story. I can just see it more from the other side because of my own situation.
I also agree that sister can spend her money however she likes/ live however she wants to. Mine chooses she want to eat out more while I choose to save for whatever I want nothing wrong with that at all. What I don’t agree with is being treated differently based on the decisions we made. Why does sister “deserve” more when she just chose a different life style.
I also very much agree with that about the family trip itself. Though I think op can afford the trip as they decided to go on a separate trip instead and she can choose to spend d her money however she likes and I can see why she would be upset with being treated differently. I think this is the best solution is have a trip everyone can afford and pay for on their own and no one is being treated unfairly. Thinking about it more perhaps it’s more of a no assholes here except maybe the parents for treating the daughters unfairly and not choosing a vacation everyone could afford.
I am in a similar situation as the OP, but I actually think it’s on the parents to choose a vacation that both kids can afford. My parents have helped out my sibling more than myself because I am more financially stable, but they have always made sure not to put us in a position where I feel obligated to contribute more to something or made me feel like she gets things for free and I have to pay. If we were to go to dinner or on a family trip, it would be in everyone’s price range.
I get what Cris said about how its definitely possible that the fake tan stained the underside of the nails but also long nails can and do trap germs and bacteria. That's why many surgeons aren't allowed to have long nails, it is a genuine health and safety concern
Or painted nails! We couldn’t have painted nails for surgery rotations and they had to be short so we could keep them clean!
I love how Kris was somewhat making this point a field to die on X)
We weren’t allowed to ever have fake or painted nails in the food service industry for exactly this reason as well as losing a nail or polish chipping in someone’s food is a lawsuit waiting to happen.
I have "long nails" (not as long as Cristines mine start breaking at that length) and I would prefer to wear gloves if I needed to use my hands to fiddle with food cause even the idea of the food being under my nails icks me
I carry an actual like scrub brush type thing to clean under my nails
the babysitting one - like damn im sure her family wouldn't have minded babysitting if they were asked and not told. The family isnt the one that had the children and its unfair and rude to expect them to babysit
Yes!! They needed to communicate their issues better. I’m literally in the exact same position as the poster and luckily my family understands that. I’m not the first go to when it comes to babysitting that way I know that if they’re asking me they have no other option and I’ll see what I can do. I’m more apt to take a day off work to babysit if you ask once a month but if you ask once every week I literally can’t afford to do that.
My mom's second wedding was child free. My sister and I were not allowed to go. A bunch of us all got watched by older cousins. So we kind of had our own party. It was my own mom and I didn't care if I went lol I don't think any of us kids cared.
About the babysitting while in college, I tried to help my friend out who had a child unexpectedly during college. I said I could watch him on my days I didn't have to go to school which were the days she had to school. I thought I could do it easily and still do my homework. Did not work out... the son would scream if I wasn't holding him. He would scream and bang on the door when I had to go to the bathroom (I wasn't going to let him in the bathroom with me because he isnt my child). I thought I could put him down for a nap and do homework but as soon as he fell asleep I would try to get up to do my homework, and he would wake up and scream. I lasted a month but had to say I couldn't do it because I couldn't get my homework done. That was one child. Twins would probably be even harder.
Jen "I didnt know I had that much responsibility"
Me to every boss who asked way too much lol
😂
Re: Sister expecting family to contribute to her new family: My uncle is the exact same way with my father. Both of them are fathers in their late 50s, all of us kids went to college, yet my uncle expected my father to help pay for my cousin's college, while we got no help at all. We didn't ask for help, but no one offered as well. And I guess the other family members aren't financially responsible he went to my dad and it's caused so much grief for my immediate family. I get it, that's his brother. But also a brother who never calls on birthdays or Christmas, and only calls for money. It comes to a point you just have to take responsibility in your own life, which said Uncle has yet to learn by his age.
Yuck! That's awful! I feel like one should always be able to ask but should never have expectations with family.
@@Chaotic_Pixie yes that's exactly it! No shame in asking but expecting/demanding for payment as the only form of communication is what causes so many fights 😭
People shouldn't be having kids if they know they can't financially support them without relying on their families money. Like if the family _wants_ to give them money and gifts then they can do that. But the new parents should still be able to at least have enough stability to care for the kids basic need.
Asking family to babysit every now and then is understandable though.
Jen is a great co-host! Hopefully one day we get a sibling edition of the pod with Ben, Matt, Jen and Cris ✨😊
cris lol
@@zigix642 lol good catch, spellcheck is unhelpful sometimes
The unequal help is an interesting debate. Growing up, my family made everything equal between my little sister and me. In adulthood, it's changed. We both have gotten help from the family, but I wouldn't say it is equal amounts of help. I'm a single person with no kids. My little sister was married and had 4 children. I'm sure if I add up any financial help, she received more than me, but I don't care. If she needed more help than I did, then I have no problem with her receiving whatever she needed to get her through.
i agree! my assumption is that the less financially stable sister was helped out more growing up and its catching up to the OP, and the family vacation issue is where they decided to let it out. The OP probably thinks she deserved something for being responsible and wants to be rewarded
I think it is the fact, that a holiday per se isn’t “help” as it is luxury. If the sister would have a challenging life, then ofcourse. From the description though it seems the other sister gets everything without any real consequences or sacrifices. As for OP they are deliberately making choices to be financially smart and is asked/expected to use their extra funds to participate on the family holiday? Why not have a holiday somewhere the other sister can afford or parents can pay for both? For me it came across, that the parents are asking a participation fee from the OP.
Exactly! Equal help is useless when the context is widely different. If you have big financial differences in a family and you like each other enough that you want to vacation together, than you’d assume you like each other enough to pitch in when needed. Which makes me think there is more history behind the resentment, which could be valid but could also be coloured by childrens wisdom and be exaggerated over time.
My parents don’t treat me and my siblings completely equal either. They help each of us based on what our situations need as long as they can. Both financially and otherwise.
@@Birguable That's a good point. I see where you're coming from and I think I see more of their perspective on the situation. It's just hard for me to not want to help my little sister, even for a trip. I do think there's so much family subtext that isn't in the post. It's hard to really judge who is an ass hole here. Even though I disagree with the poster, I don't think they're an ass hole for being upset about the situation. I think it's probably an unbalanced family dynamic that goes deeper than this one scenario.
@@Birguable I’ve had a similar situation to this story where I had money saved but my older brother was living pay check to pay check so I paid my trip and my mum paid for my brother. The thing with that though was that I offered to pay and told my mum exactly how much I could afford so there was no expectations from me but I knew we wouldn’t be able to take the trip without my input
Knowing that Simply was going to be upset about college not being a serious commitment.
For the family vacation, if her parents are so upset about not having a family vacation, why wouldn't they pick a more affordable destination where the older daughter COULD afford to go, or where they could afford to cover both daughters trip? My parents always emphasized that my sister and I would not always get the SAME things, because we did not NEED the same things, but even they wouldn't treat us this drastically different for something like a vacation, at least not without an arrangement to repay the money. That's just a step a bit too far... unless there is some other circumstance OP is leaving out.
Or do something like "we'll pay for half of the sisters trip, half of the op's trip, and if sister can't make up the rest she can't go" or something
I think it’s on the line. But at some point, parents want to take nice vacations with their adult children, and that might be totally out of the price range for one sister and not the other. It also depends on the sister’s career, imo. If the sister has been a nurse or teacher during this pandemic, I’ll chip in so she can go on a nice vacation! If she’s an artist (like me 😬) then that is maybe less deserving of parents helping out. It also depends how much the vacation costs. I do think the situation as described is a little too far, though.
Right! My mom made it clear to my sister and I that once we were out of college and on our own, she was no longer paying for our share of family vacations or at least not all of it. And we could either make up the rest or not come.
We still work hard to see each other for holidays and birthdays but we just try to be more reasonable about vacations.
She does mention that her sister also spends more on day to day things. I'm unsure if that just means groceries that are more expensive or if she eats out more often and buys more things for herself just because she wants to. Because if it the second I can understand OP's frustration. I like eating out a lot and buying things I like, but I wouldnt find it fair if that would make my parents pay for my trip, but not my sister's, while she spends her money more wisely.
@@marisakay_wlr well then choose a different vacation or accept that one sister obviously prioritised an expensivr apartment over being able to afford a vacation. then they cant go.
My sister actually had to choose a different bridesmaid's dress because my breasts were too large to modestly wear the dress she chose. I felt really bad, but when I went to try on the dress, it just didn't work. My boobs were barely covered and one wrong move would have flashed the whole church. She ended up picking a dress with more cleavage coverage. Crisis averted.
However...
I think the sister who chose a short summer dress knew her sister's wardrobe restrictions before she chose the bridesmaid's dresses. She could have chosen something longer with a shrug to cover enough skin so that her sister could participate. OR she could have sat her sister down and explained that while she wanted her sister to be in the bridal party, her wardrobe restrictions would make everyone else uncomfortably hot and because of that, she wouldn't be able to be a bridesmaid. Instead of either of those reasonable options, she asked the sister to be in the wedding and then chose an outfit she knew her sister couldn't wear and then kicked her out of the wedding party. It's like she intentionally chose the cruelest and most hurtful way to punish her sister for her conservative dressing requirements.
JENNNNNN!!!! I love when she makes an appearance!!! Taco Tuesday just wasn’t the same without you last week so I’m glad to see you back! Definitely miss Beynnnn hope he is doing well 😊
Also I’m absolutely loving the new crèmes I can’t wait to receive them!!!! 💅🏻
hey, sorry to hear about your mom ben. i lost my mom early in the pandemic (today is the anniversary) and it helped me to be told that you are allowed to feel any way you want at any time. that grief comes in waves. you don't choose when or why and it makes it easier if you don't judge yourself for what you feel. it goes on for a long time. you can't be proactive, you can't hurry through it. I really hope you, your friends, and christine take care of you and you let them do it. I'm really sorry. be kind to yourself. this is all my opinion, as someone who lost a mom recently, but grief is always different for everyone. edit: also be as kind as you can to the people who love you. they are your support and it's really difficult to watch someone you love going through pain that you can't alleviate. I don't know if you (or everyone) already knows all these things, but it helped me.
Sending you much love ❤️
“What is grief, if not love persevering?”
I’m so sorry for your loss.
Today is my birthday! We will celebrate life together in all the phases it comes with. Thinking of you!
I wonder if this is cultural because I went to A LOT of weddings as a child (and with other children) and we were all super well behaved. Like it’s a WEDDING! It’s not a playground. Plus you get to sit there and see how pretty the whole thing is and the bride is like a princess when you’re that young. I’m always perplexed when ppl say children ruined their wedding. Sounds like poor parenting honestly. Why can’t your child sit through a wedding and behave themselves? And why are you as a parent not stepping in and stopping them from misbehaving? Like are the parents just sitting back and watching their kids ruin someone else’s special day?
I agree so hard with this!!! I also attended a lot of weddings as a child and you can bet every dollar that my mom had an eagle eye on me and I was to be respectful and orderly. Why are kids nowadays allowed to be out of control and ruin so many bride’s weddings? I think it definitely speaks more about the parents and their lack of parenting than anything else.
well yeah the kids should be well behaved but i think many people also just dont think about their planning at all. if youre gonna invite kids then you have to give them some entertainment. it doesnt have to be a fancy expensive show but like let them blow bubbles and bring a few board games or let them bring their phone or anything like a gameboy or toy or sum
Same here!! I can totally respect op wanting a childless wedding but not discluding her siblings! This is a fond day to look back on and have pics. Children as young as 5 remember weddings and how special they are. I certainly did with my aunts wedding. It's a cycle too. More kids exposed to weddings, they learn how to behave at a wedding. Plus kids innocence and playfulness adds to the atmosphere. My niece at my sisters wedding was the HIGHLIGHT of the dance floor. She was making everyone smile and she was only 2!
@@takemetospace7718 My sisters and I (all under 10 at the time) were bridesmaids at my parents’ wedding but not included at the reception/party afterwards and I have never had a problem with that. It was their day and their party.
If OP wants an adult party I understand not wanting kids there, and especially if they don’t have any themselves. You wouldn’t invite children to any other adult party with drinking either 🤷🏻♀️
I love the children in my family, but I would also go for a child free wedding if I were planning on getting married. I would want to have a fantastic party with my friends and family where everyone can let their hair out and have a great time without having to think about parenting, changing diapers, putting their child who won’t sleep because of everything happening down for a nap, or a five year old throwing a tantrum because they are being told to be quiet during the speeches.
I have also worked somewhere meant for children so I have seen first hand, for years, how spoiled kids are nowadays. So many children are never told no. But even the most well behaved child is unpredictable in how they will behave, because that’s just the nature of children.
@@choddle8427 I think what ur parents did is the perfect solution. I maybe wrong but OP didn't even want to include them in the ceremony either- if I remember correctly. If she did what ur parents did, I would struggle to see why her mom would be offended. Plus by the reception time it's kids bedtime so they will be too tired to be there too.
AITA for not eating my sister in law’s salad? Long nails are not allowed in professional kitchens because they often harbor bacteria and are difficult to clean. This is a national (and probably international) standard set forth by various professional restaurant organizations. Of course, there are no home kitchen standards.
I think with the two sisters and the parents paying for the vacation for one of them, the parents are in the wrong. I think there's a massive difference in helping only one of your children out financially if they're completely broke (like lost their job, can't afford food etc...) but a vacation is not a necessity and at the same time costs a lot of money so they should either pay for both daughters or just not go/find a cheaper vacation. It's as if they decided to only get the poorer daughter gifts bc the other one is well off and can buy stuff herself.
I don't know about their relationship I don't really understand why she wouldn't begrudge this vacation her sister. If she has more money, than I don't really get the issue
@@rebeccamahneke808 I don't think it's about her begrudging her sister the vacation, I think the issue is that the parents are treating her unfairly. If she was incredibly rich, it would be a different question but from what she writes it's pretty clear that going on vacation is still a significant expense for her.
Go somewhere cheaper so you can afford paying for both. Plus if you can pay for only one it means you are putting yourself in a bad financial situation so you won't be able to help for necessities. And even if one doesn't strugle, sometimes it's good to have a little money to be more comfortable, especially if she wants to get married/start a family.
It’s their money they can do what they want with it. Don’t expect gifts from other people. They said if the other sister was in need they would help her too (treating them fairly) but she’s not. So she can pay for the vacay or not go 🤷🏽♂️
@@tititelucie exactly, I completely agree with you!
I remember when my dad and stepmum went on their honeymoon, they brought my 6yo stepsister back a beautiful Venetian mask (that she broke within 2 weeks) and they brought me (11yo and never cared about sports) back a football shirt 😐 15 years later and I’m still bitter
For the babysitting one, I think OP could have been a bit more gentle about how they said it but I don't think their stance was wrong, *at all*. If it were me, I would probably apologize for being blunt but I would stand my ground. It's not reasonable to request time or money that I don't have to give.
Yess I agree! She's young still learning how to effectively set boundaries but she is not wrong at all. She was a little blunt with what she said but she already admitted that and was ready to Apologize!
I would go far and say that it's unreasonable to request time or money and expect to receive without being open to the possibility of the other person saying no, cause It doesn't matter if the person has that time, money or energy to give, I think is wrong to expect someone else (family or not) to help with your responsabilities and obligations, the right thing is to ask and see what happens with no expectations cause big favors should not be forced. I do agree that there Is always a polite an gentle way to say things.
Missed you guys the past two weeks but obviously understand why you wouldn’t be up to doing it. Hope Ben is doing ok, sending love to his family 💖
i'm from Russia, really anxious about events happening in Ukraine and here also. Thx for such a distraction, it's what i needed
Be safe
Hope you and your love ones stay safe and healthy.
❤️
praying for your safety
I had a very similar experience as the second AITA with the OP going on vacation. My dad would pay for things for my sister while not offering the same to me. He would blame it on she’s less responsible than I am with her money and that I was in less debt, so he needed to help her. Like thanks for the complement, but it’s still unfair to treat your children differently just because one constantly makes bad choices.
Yeah it sounded like partially the problem here was how parents handled it. They handled it terribly making it like its OP fault for being financially responsible sister. If they phrased it as, we want u both for this family vacation as it our dream vacation, but since ur sister can't join for financial reasons, we will pay to help her attend with us. Then the parents should expect to pay for maybe meals for both to make it more fair/ expect the sister to cover smaller expenses like meals and they only cover room and flight. Sometimes it the parents that ruin it between siblings. Sorry u had to experience that as well :/
I interpreted the trip one differently. I think the OP is upset that the sister is getting money she doesn't deserve. She's saying that the sister could afford things like the trip if she would be more responsible with their money - sounds like she's not living within her means so she is putting herself in a worse financial situation. They probably should have picked a trip that everyone could afford instead of handing money to the sister. Handing money to the sister is perpetuating poor money management because the sister knows she can get money from them whenever she needs to which shouldn't be expected as an adult.
Exactly, it's exactly this, which is totally different than the sister being struggling and barely making it.
A comment on the financial aspects of sisterhood. I’m all about equity not equality. My younger sister is almost done with grad school and my parents gave her money for groceries, they also help her out financially when we went on vacation. At the same time my mom babysits my child and twin’s two boys when we work, it’s not literal money but it is a financial burden lifted off of us. Our parents help us the way we need it (and gifts are always equal)
I remember once for xmas my step-grandfather gave me like ~$500 (I can't remember exactly b/c it was awhile ago) when he gifted my older step-sister (who has kids and was married at the time) the usual $150 we both get from him during the holiday (it is by far the most money a family member ever gifts me personally). My mom (I lived with my parents 'part-time' as I was in college and living on campus most of the time), was flabergasted and after calming down, called him and asked if he got the two of us confused. He didn't, he knew I was paying for college by myself and worked hard to earn my scholarships and was also working part-time in retail while working on several passion projects as well. He also put himself through college similarly and knew that money like that would've put his mind at ease in case of an emergency. My mom was still miffed but told me never to tell my sister (ofc I didn't). I saved the money and it helped me pay off my first college loan when I was ready. My sister never went to traditional college, she did an RN program while she stayed with my parents and I while I was in high school. She's notoriously bad with money, makes bad financial and life decisions, so on one hand I understand his decision to give me more that year than her, while still seeing it as 'unfair.' What I really wish is that my mom had never asked b/c I feel like the amount of money I'm given as a gift wasn't her business to begin with.
He knew exactly what he did and this money was for your college and should take a few worries off your shoulders. He did something really good. He simply acted need-oriented. Maybe it's a tough decision for your step-sister. But you used the money for your future and that's awesome ❤️
That's the part for me- it's none of anyone else's business what "help" someone gets. I just was invited to a destination wedding; did I ask if anyone else was getting their trip paid for? Of course not, why would I? Even if that information was offered, it wouldn't have changed anything to me.
Damn, your mom asking if he got the two of you confused is kinda rude with what the question is implying. Sounds like a lovely grandfather you have though.
The sailor moon book story always makes me think of the only major fight I’ve had with my sister… 😅 when we were teenagers (me 14 her 16) we could only afford 1 copy of the new Harry Potter book (7) so we decided to read it to each other out loud 😂😂 it got to like 1am and we were both loosing our voices and she decided she was going to take it and read it alone then she would give it to me to finish… we had a silent physical fight 😩 at 1am over a Harry Potter book… we laugh about it now 😂
As a long-haul acrylic nail person (over 5 years, though mine are short), there's a REASON that laws/rules about nails are in place for employees who prepare food (location context: Los Angeles-adjacent). I literally looove my acrylic nails and I respect that I'm never allowed to prepare food and I stay at the FOH (front of house) as a server or takeout position. BOH (back of house, anyone who prepares food) has entirely different and more strict apparel rules. Hair nets, uniforms from corporate rather than just black button ups and jeans, hats, etc INCLUDING short clean nails free of polish, acrylic, etc. Like I love my nails and other beautiful decorated nails, and I mix my own food for only myself-party of 1-with my hands all the time, but I would not have touched her salad 🥴🤢
I think with the second one the easier option would be for the parents to split the money so the sisters are both paying less money for the trip, but they are each getting help with the funds. It's also not anyone's place to assume what someone else can afford to pay for something that's not necessary and expecting they pay their hard earned money for something they didn't plan themselves
Thank you for acknowledging that family expectations vary by culture 😊 that’s a huge consideration. And yes, college is a HUGE commitment! agree with everything y’all said
Sending all my love to Ben ❤️
I have gotten married, and it was great. A beautiful day, nice event and a little tiring. Feeling obligated to invite people can kinda suck. My parents guilted me into just giving our elderly neighbor an invite as more of an announcement, and no one thought she could come anyway. Well, she showed up, and she was okay, until she grabbed my wrist hard as I literally tried to pull away and then told me that I had to do this religious ceremony that she did. No regard for my own plans and feelings. Granted, she is not fully in her right mind at that age, but still, that was a legitimately frightening moment and actually made me shed a tear later when I remembered it on my own wedding night. But uh... Other than that? Great day and everyone else was nice! Haha
So sorry you had to go through that!
I can totally relate to how the college student felt when she was assumed as a default main babysitter just because she is in college.
My dad was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease a few years ago and during the diagnosis and dosage adjustment stage he had to go to the hospital for appointments a lot. My family just told me to take on all the shifts of accompanying him to the doctors because I am "currently studying and have the most free time". I did it anyway and was really behind on work with the hospital trips because I didn'tk now how to push back on that demand back then.
About the * 'comunication is key' * , being from an abusive houshold with 2 narcicistic parents, it's ok to stop comunicating with them :) You can't fix them, they will just keep using you.
Second post about parents paying for one sister's trip and not the other's: I'm the middle sister, which kind of sucked sometimes. The oldest often got the new things, and the youngest often got the 'consolation' extra things for, IDK, being youngest? Middle sister never gets special things for being the middle sis...
When mom bought a car for my little sister, my dad muttered where are the cars for the other sisters (parents are divorced, dad always gives equal amounts for BDs and Cristmases). At that point in life, I (and my older sister) had accepted that mom favors the youngest, and we didn't even really mind as she is the only outgoing one of us. Sure, she got more money (we got money growing up by asking mom; can I get money for this purchase? not a weekly/monthly allowance) and even a car (that I don't think she even asked for), but she liked to shop in the city and we liked to read in the town library.
She also stayed with mom for a few years after we older sisters left for Uni while mom was in poor shape, which got rid of the smidge of resentment very quickly (cutting mom's toenails, vacuuming the whole house... good for you sis for getting that car!)
In short, I was jealous about little things (like getting to pick a colour first), rather than the big things.
For the post itself: the parents are the assholes for suggesting a "family vacation" that *the family* can't afford. The parents can't pay for all, the one sis can't pay for herself... clearly the thing is outside of their current means. Choose something that everyone from the family can afford, or at least have the parents pay half of *each* sister's trip😥😓
Oh my God the one about random family at the wedding... my wedding had people from my husband's side of the family who he didn't even recognize 😅 it luckily went off fine but at the end of the day I honestly just wanted out of the entire ordeal.
I'm happy with my husband, I didn't need all the crazy you know?
That's why I want my wedding to be only with people who know us personally, I want it to be a celebration of the union of 2 people not a show for others to watched and judge
Missed you ... amazing to have you and your sister back :)
This is such a breath of fresh air. Almost 100% of these AITA scenarios revolve around weddings, kids, in-laws, etc. and most of them are completely irrational in my view as well. People criticize the West for being individualistic, but I'm grateful that I grew up in a culture that didn't over-emphasize the institution of the family. Seems like it brings mostly drama and dependency.
Write a cheque and let it bounce to make a point. 😂
Hahahha, this is hilarious. You deserve more likes 👏 👏 👏 😂😂😂
The sister stealing clothes and not washing them was literally my sister. It was so freaking frustrating to have just cleaned things and expecting that you could wear your own clothing, only to find out that your clothes aren’t where you expected them to be. Especially when I did my own laundry. So I totally understand the annoyance of that one.
I don’t understand how people can both come together and think about having a child when they financially can’t afford it. Not only are you expecting your family to 1. Pay your debts off?? And 2. Take care of your child is the most entitled thing I’ve ever heard! If the parents would’ve asked if anyone was willing to help out instead of demanding them to pay up then it would’ve been a different story. It just boggles my mind how the parents are so willing to drag everyone else down because they aren’t in a good spot to take care of their own children
49:19 I think that if the bride knew that her sister is dressing according to her religion, then maybe she should have brought up the bridesmaid dress before asking her to be the bridesmaid.
💯
well the religious sister doesnt have to make a drama about getting the special role of a bridesmaid. they arent forced to wear the dress if they just attent as a normal guest. no matter if its religion or sum else: if its someone elses wedding then dont expect to get special fancy treatment just for you. be a normal guest, then you can wear what you want
@@tiny._.sxnshine where does it say that she demanded being a bridesmaid? Anyway, alone the sentence "it's her duty to weare what I want" is absolutely ridiculous. Sounds like a horribly nerve wracking bride
Just finished listening! It makes me so happy to see cristines and Jen’s relationship, my twin sister and I are best friends , and it makes me happy to see more sister’s with good relationship, I feel sad for to hear about stories of people who aren’t close with their siblings. Always love the podcast episodes with Jen💗
i have come across many of those family stories and i think it is outrageous how peoples boundaries are never respected. idk if this is an american thing, but im sure in every country theres something like this. it makes me super super angry. i once read about a mother in law being super entitled and the mother of the child was asking for help and i swear to you, all the comments are like 'you are ungrateful, u should be so happy to have someone to babysit, your mother in law is a saint' and im like what the actual fuck. if this woman cant respect the mother, she has no right to be in their life at all. people honestly think that family automatically deserves respect. no, it doesnt matter if im related to you or not, you have to earn the respect
I really missed your podcasts these past weeks but I totally understand now why there has been a longer break. Family is a first priority and I am so so sorry to hear about Ben's mom passing away. My deepest condolences to him and his brother Matt. I hope to see him again soon on this channel but let him have as much time as he needs. 🙏🏻😢💙
I've actually been in the stituation this holiday sisters are. It took much more time from my brother to get self sufficient than me and my parents often ended up pitching in so that he could take part in family holidays and have the things he needed. It never crossed my mind to demand I get the same or try to dictate how my brother should live. Because I am a grown up, I don't need their money and it is their money and I wish to have my brother around.
This!! My exact thoughts. Plus I would've been more bummed had they been not able to make it I would suggest pitching in to help them join us. That's what family do. OP was def judgmental of sister and had a jealousy going between them. Parents help until u get on ur 2 feet. Some ppl take more time than others and situations can never compare. Esp in this scenario where sister is working hard to be independent and isn't slacking off dependent on parents.
So happy to see you guys again, made my day :) All my love to Ben, I hope he takes the time he needs. We'll be here whenever
Always love a good AITA pod! So sorry to hear about Ben’s mother…sending all the love to you both! 💞
Regarding the trip, it actually sounds like the parents are favoring the non op sister. It also sounds like the op will get these same excuses for the rest of their parents life. I personally hate vacations with family like this. Once you have kids you can’t avoid it too. I’d take the friend trip.
For sure! And the op has also made decisions that fits her budget. If she wanted to live in a nicer place and do things that was out of her budget like the sister does she probably wouldn't have the money for a vacation either. They're basically rewarding the sister for being financially irresponsible and enabling her to keep living that way by paying for her instead of forcing her grow up.
I think op forgets her own financial luck here. She could move away to a cheaper area, not everyone can depending on your job or having no savings to bridge the moving gap. She lives with a partner which means she automatically has half the rent she would have alone which is a big help in saving. She also has a better earning job, which she is lucky for. Not everyone’s passion earns the same but even if it wasn’t about passion, not everyone can have a high paying job. It’s possible considering all those factors, if she did not have those lucky circumstances, she would maybe also not be able to afford it.
Yeah, it's not like OP's sister was lacking funds because of a situation outside of her own control. If she had a medical condition that kept her from working or was costly to treat, that would be different. I think family should take care of each other and I think equal isn't always equitable. But I also think that actions have consequences and the parents should be mindful of enabling and favoritism. She chose to spend her money a certain way and a family vacation isn't a necessity. Sis should pay her own way.
I would've thrown my brother out for coming into my house and throwing my stuff out! That's not okay, I don't care who you are. Then refusing to pay for it to replace it?! Absolutely not. I would not be the one apologizing.
My only question is was the food expired? I know that sounds weird but my husband and I lived with my MIL for a few months when our first child was a baby and we were in between houses. Our first day there I noticed that a lot of food in the pantry was years out of date (up to 10 years 🤯) so I went through the pantry and the fridge and tossed all the old stuff and went grocery shopping. My god was she mad. Apparently you do not throw away hoarders things no matter how deadly they can be to your child 🤷♀️
@@esmeraldagreengate4354 if it was expired, that would have been the reason given, not that the food “wasn’t healthy”. plus, in your situation, the food was replaced. the sister in the story refused to replace or pay for the food she threw out.
@@hannahbloom I missed that part 🤦♀️ that sister is a complete goober. I don't like your food so you shall have no food at all.
@@esmeraldagreengate4354 in that situation you should tell them and not throw it behind their back when they dont expect it.
@@esmeraldagreengate4354 its a boundaries thing
On the holiday question, I think the issue is that she was told rather than consulted. I have four siblings with various different financial situations, and the same rules don’t apply to everyone. However there would also be a discussion and while my parents wouldn’t ask permission for everything, they would explain their reasoning and make sure we understood what was happening.
As someone with long nails, I use a nail brush to make sure they are clean. Even if it was self tanner, I don't want to eat that shit! Ewww. Why didn't she use tongs if she knew she had self tanner all over her hands?! 🤢🤢 But yes, sometimes under my long nails is discolored because of staining!
The sister who acts like her ex calling her a cheater in his menu is hilarious but really, you got divorced he likely put that as his reason so it shouldn't be a surprise he knew
Jen was great! I always appreciate seeing the adult sister relationship - grateful to be close to my little sister as well. 💓 Our family also made a point to gift us equally and I think it's helpful for many reasons, the least of which isn't that it reduces animosity b/w the siblings. We've made a point of doing the same with our 3 girls.
Bridesmaid dress bride is absolutely the a**hole, and you guys are right, setting a colour and having everyone wear a different dress still looks great. I asked my 3 bridesmaids to wear "a black dress you're willing to wear in front of my grandmother" and I provided the matching accessories. Everyone wore what they were comfortable in and what flattered them best AND nobody spent more than $50 on their dresses either. Bridesmaid dresses are often unflattering, not everyone's colour, and expensive on top of that.
The college sister not wanting to take care of her kids;
I might be petty but what I might then do is involve my whoooole family in college. let them know all the expense and how much time you have. Can they pitch in to help you with college, in the long run it will benefit everyone if you goes to college. Can the family come up with the money you gets from the bakery job? Maybe if they can you offer to watch the babies occasionally. I think if I were you I would ask them for help back. Apologize and then show them your bank account and you write down your schedule and include study hours and let them figure it out. If they cannot help with your expense then you need the bakery job and you have no free time. I opt for being transparent. You have nothing to hide and being in college is hard.
I agree to all of it except for writing down the schedule. Because all i see happening is forcing in a babysitting shift in the only free time you have.
To be honest I think it really depends on the family. I know Americans tend to be more individualistic, but I know plenty of people where it is 100% normal and expected to pitch in for your family- BECAUSE your family will pitch in for you as well.I don't know why you think that asking them for help back would be "petty", or how you know OP is not getting any help from their family. I am in university and working. I also regularly babysit my cousins, and tutor my second cousin for free. And I think it's quite reasonable for my aunts and uncles to expect that, because when I was little, they babysat me. And when I needed help with school, or my computer broke, or I needed money to fund my education, they were there for me. So why would I not be there for them? We don't know what OPs family is like, and we don't know how it is with their family. But to act like people asking you for help is somehow unreasonable, or a failure is a very weird way of thinking for me, and it just makes me sad. There's a reason why the saying "It takes a village to raise a child" exists.
@@samiraansari5686 But it is unreasonable to expect the help. It’s one thing to ask a favour it’s another to expect to the point that it becomes a demand. The 19 year old didn’t decide to have the kids the parents did. That means that they need to plan as if they are the only people who can take care of them. The extra help is nice and would be appreciated, but you don’t factor expecting someone els to help you raise your child into the equasion when making the decision about wether or not to have a child. No the help is a bonus, not a nessesity that must be there to make it possible.
The second one really hit home with me, no pun intended. My parents always paid for my sister when we went anywhere as a foursome, simply because I had money in the bank whereas she always lived paycheck to paycheck and pissed her money away on frivolous things like tattoos and concert tickets and once even decided to spend 6 weeks not working and following a band around on tour with a friend. When I was in my thirties I expressed my frustration to my dad about this, and he shared with me that he had been putting aside money for both of us over the years and my balance was growing while hers was dwindling. That's where the money was coming from for them to always pay for her.
My sister is vegan, and I am not. But she would NEVER come to your house and start throwing away all the things that are not vegan!! 😵 The situation is not about being vegan, but it's a similar situation. I visit her regularly, and when I am there I eat the same food they cook for themselves. But if we order something from a restaurant she is not expecting or demanding me to order vegan food I can order what ever I want and she is okey with that. Some times people are just so entitled and selfish It's beyond me! All that wasted food and money makes me so mad!!
I relate hard to the second post about the family trip. I was always the sibling that was careful with my money and life choices and paid for myself and even helped my parents. My sister on the other hand was never good with money and constantly gets aid from my parents. It's favoritism and it is very frustrating to go through.
I feel that. If I ever got into money troubles, my parents would help me out the same; but that is not the problem. The problem is that my (and the OP's) sister is kind of being rewarded for being financially irresponsible. And it's infuriating if you're the one that saves up and makes compromises and passes up on things, to be able to afford other stuff. And my sister just gets my parents money.
Behaviour like that enrages me to no end ^^
@@Littlesumo18 It really does reward bad behavior and teaches them that mom and dad will always be there to help them out. Parents never see it that way but it really hurts there kid in the end because they never learn to take care of themselves or that bad decisions have consequences. I feel bad because I think my sister sees my parents more as piggy banks than anything else and never truly appreciates what they do for her.
It's like, oh too bad I'm an idiot who cares about my finances. If only I was more reckless, I could have a nicer car or whatever while my parents help cover my rent!
I feel like the long description of how her sister is in an unfairly underpaid career and also "not being in a relationship" the way OP is has nothing to do with favoritism and everything to do with resentment from things that have nothing to do with her sisters life at all.
It seems OP spends an unhealthy amount of time being critical of her sister and praising herself for being "good with money" that shes become unnecessarily judgemental of things that have nothing to do with her. Like her sisters relationship status.
She wants her sister to live alone away from her friends and find a job she doesn't like because that's what OP felt like she had to do. It's resentment, not favoritism.
@@aeaeae7 Or you could look at it like this: it paints a picture of why the sister has less money, that it has nothing to do with her being lazy or anything. But she still has to make life choices with the income she has. Why does the other sibling have to suffer for that.
Why don't the parents pay half of each child's vacation and they can find some place that both sisters can afford. Why does one get a vacation for free and one has to pay full?
Of course it's coloured with resentment, it's bloody unfair after all.
I love a good sister podcast! My sister and I are 8 years apart but have a pretty good relationship. I'm definitely enjoying judging/relating to these posts.
Glad to have the podcast back! Hope Ben is doing ok!
so they want their 19 year old child/sister, who's in college, to not only take time out of her day to babysit her sister's kids, but to also PAY HER SISTER MONEY?!?! What the heck???
I love how you guys discussed having a good relationship with each other. I'm also lucky enough to have a good relationship with my sister and I get tired of seeing sisters pitted against each other in media. On a sadder note, I was unaware of Ben's mom passing away. My deepest condolences.
I kinda hope my stress will go away after hearing AITA, but... I am even more upset and stessed after hearing the first story LOL
That first story really boil my blood
These are not my favorite episodes, for that reason. I'm always left feeling riled up about stuff that isn't even my problem or Cristine/Ben/Jen's problems.
Episode 96! My bday year podcast (1996) so great that Jen is there for it!
With regard to the dirty nails- all kinds of things can turn off someone's appetite. If I find a hair in my food- I feel sick and can't finish my food. Some things just make us not be able to eat something- you shouldn't have to force yourself
I don't have a sister, but relative, friend, lover, whatever- if someone threw away over a THOUSAND dollars worth of my food for a stupid reason like that, out of nowhere? My god. That crazy sister is lucky ALL she got was kicked out of the house. That's insane.
That first post is insane, I can’t believe that mom making the op feel bad, like we know who her favorite is
I love when Jen is in videos because it reminds me so much of me and my sister 😂😊
Sending love for Ben 💖 I hope he has a comforting Mench on his shoulders and a comforting Zy in his lap. 💕
6:42 Zyler's like "maybe you should consider eating this AH!" 🤣
For the sister being removed from the bridal shower due to dress issues I can definitely relate. I was my sister's maid of honor at her wedding and I told her that I was not comfortable wearing a dress. Her husband's best man was his sister and she wore a dress (same style as the bridesmaid's but a color that matched the groomsmen). I felt that it would work well if I could wear the same suit the groomsmen were wearing but in the color of the bridesmaid's dresses. This was something my sister was not comfortable with and I ended up having to wear dress instead. Overall it was an extremely overwhelming experience and if I could do it again I'd rather just not be in the wedding than force myself into clothes that make me feel physically ill.
In my wedding, I wanted my bridesmaids to be happy! My best friend preferred suit and that was perfectly fine with me! I also gave my bridesmaids a color and let them choose whatever was comfortable for them.
On a completely unrelated note. Jens voice is so soothing
This vacation question has so much slant, it's pretty eyeroll...The parents want everyone to go on vacation. The OP specifically said they don't want their trip to be paid for. They are within their own means and will go on a vacation of some sort with either friends or family. The parents should pay for whatever vacation they want, because the parents can do whatever they want with their money to get the result they desire. It will not affect OP's finances or "vacation-ability" either way. The only thing that changes the attendees of the trip is whether or not the OP goes. And that's their own personal choice to make. The OP confuses equity and equality.
I'm the classic middle child, living a completely independent life from my family. My older sibling gets help from my parents regarding my nieces, my younger sibling gets to live with the parents rent free, and I get to pay a third of my parent's five-line phone bill. I'm not a victim to unequal treatment. We don't live the same lives. Our needs are different. The assistance we give and get from from our parents is not equal, but I'm too old to be petty or care. If I can thrive without assistance, I'll just continue to do so and not complain when others get resources to thrive as well.
Yes! Different lives different needs. If my parents treated us all completely equal we would have had worse childhoods and worse adulthoods than we do now. I wouldn’t want the same toys as my siblings since we had different interests, and inslag don’t need the same help as them since I was lucky enough to get a higher paying job. I’m glad they can financially support any of my siblings when needed, because I think they deserve as much as I have. They’re not lesser deserving for making less money
This was the nuance that I felt the discussion lacked.
The parents can do what they want with their money but (assuming OP's post was generally honest) it seems that the parents had a patern of bailing OP's sister out of self made financial problems. It sounds like they are saying it's just the salary difference and ignoring the different spending habits.
I would honestly feel slighted too if I were in her shoes. Sure she could afford the vacation but it's because she sacrificed other comforts like living in a cheaper, less desirable area. It would be like OP taking her vacation budget and blowing it on personal items and then asking her parents to help her pay for her vacation.
I definitely agree that equal and equitable aren't always the same but actions should have consequences and if the sister spent too much to afford the vacation, that's her own problem. If it was just the salary difference but both sisters were fairly responsible with their money, I would say it would be fair for the parents to help one more than the other.
I think she didn’t like that her parents expects her to her whole trip while her sister doesn’t have to. Also that she didn’t like there reasoning. They think that becomes she is more financially well off that she can pay her own. She says that the reason is more well financially is because she is more frugal and cautious of her money while her sister makes less but chooses to live in a more expensive place and spends more money than the OP. The parents want a family trip.
@@tvtvtfan3767 Think of it in another way. For all intents and purposes, paying for someone else's vacation is a gift. Are you within your right to complain that the receiver of a gift should not get the gift? Are you entitled to determine that the receiver of a gift does not deserve the gift?
Rewards are given in recognition of something. OP think their sister is being rewarded for not being as financially responsible. On the contrary, the sister has been bestowed a gift, given freely (to some degree). And a gift is not a reward.
A good solution to the bridesmaid dress problem is letting each person choose a dress in a set color rather then a set dress, or having a range of a color for people to be within, thus allowing any style choices that may be flattering for them or fit their religion while also matching the wedding theme/style.
The equal treatment for children is tricky, my brother and I never felt we were treated differently but now the situation is so different. Personally, all I want is for us to be able to help eachother if we have the resorces to do so. But I noticed my parrents are verry stressed about not giving more to one sibling than the other.
The 19 year old college sibling situation: next time they go to dinner, they should state that the job they have is now asking for them to do more hours and so they expect the whole family to pitch in and take a shift (and not get paid for that work) and to provide money to help through this hard financial time. If they can’t see how ridiculous it is and how what they have asked you to do is essentially the same, then maybe your family doesn’t actually support you the way they expect you to support them.
About the one with the vacation... It seemed to me like they were planning a very expensive trip, knowing that one of the daughters would not be able to pay for it. If their whole intention was to have a family vacation they could always choose a cheaper destination or pay both of them a little bit. As someone who couldn't afford to go abroad for a couple years now I would feel very weird accepting the money anyway when my sibling pays for themselves...
Hearing wedding AITA posts makes me very glad my husband and I eloped in a park during COVID
This is definitely an episode to watch on UA-cam rather than listen to just the audio for me. I can never tell Jen and Cristine's voices apart!
I can tell them apart from their pronunciation. They speak differently imo ☺️
I love how you (simply) and your sister (jennnnnn) have the same “see y’all later byyyye.”
Thank you for the podcast today AND take all the time you need. Grieving is a seemingly endless introspective and iterative process - it has all those layers you talked about in today’s podcast. Take care.
When Zyler pets Cristine after the boop on the nose 😻 Oh my heart! 🧡
For the one with the family vacation, I was really confused by OP's reaction. I can understand that she's hurt and that the circumstances weren't fair (plus I think my sister and I have a very different dynamic), but if it were me, I would understand the situation was calling for equity over equality. If I could comfortably pay for my expenses, I would definitely understand the circumstances. They're not fair circumstances, but family trips are always important, it's not like the parents *could* afford to pay for both of them, but didn't want to. A lot of the wording also seemed like OP resented her parents/sister a little too much, for which I'd say there's probably more to it than this single incident. I would have taken the trip if I was in her shoes, family time is really important to me. --> But again, the family dynamics I have is likely very different from what other people experience, so I can understand Im providing a narrow lense for this opinion
Definitely agree on all fronts. If it happened to me, it wouldn't be fair, but in my family dynamic, I would rather have a vacation with loved ones than bring up the fairness ledger.
@@dontfollowriley definitely agree with that!
Yes I agree!
I definitely read a lot of resentment and frankly jealously from that post. Like to me it screams that OP is unhappy with her job, where she lives, her partner and her general life choices but is telling herself she is actually better than other people because she is making all of these "frugal" sacrifices. She wants her sister to be just as unfulfilled as her and because she's not she is hyper critical of every single action.
OP is justifying her own unhappiness by unfairly judging other people, and honestly, probably is insufferable to be around. I can't imagine the kind of person who is so motivated by money and make believe status symbols like being in a relationship is very nice to her sister/family in private. Like imagine they are on the vacation and the sister talks about a budding new relationship ? Or how excited she is about her career? I can't imagine OP would be supportive and wouldn't try to make the conversation about herself somehow. I know people who talk like OP and they are usually insufferable, always judging things from a self centered point of view, always bringing attention to how much they "sacrifice" to have their perfectly manicured life, never acknowledging their privilege(OP having a partner to help for example), always judging people who aren't like them, and generally being a kill joy when others are trying to let loose.
I was also shocked at the amount of people ignoring the equity vs equality element of this. It just feels really insensitive to say things like, well just get a better paying job or just don’t live in the city. Some people can’t afford to leave their job or leave the city. There’s some classism at play in the comments of this particular AITA. As someone work works in the not for profit sector and lives in a major city, but who lives frugally so that I can afford to do *things* in general, it’s disheartening to see. Also, it would appear OP admitted they’re jealous of her sister’s situation in an edit and also in the comments said that the trip was sprung on them and the sister didn’t have time to budget, soooo. I really feel like more empathy should have been shown.