"Best way to confront someone" - Jordan Peterson
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- Опубліковано 5 жов 2024
- "Best way to confront someone" - Jordan Peterson
#shorts
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- About Jordan Peterson - -
Jordan B. Peterson (born 12 June 1962) is a Canadian professor of psychology, clinical psychologist, UA-cam personality, and author. He began to receive widespread attention in the late 2010s for his views on cultural and political issues, often described as conservative.
Born and raised in Alberta, Peterson obtained bachelor's degrees in political science and psychology from the University of Alberta and a PhD in clinical psychology from McGill University. After teaching and research at Harvard University, he returned to Canada in 1998 to permanently join the faculty of psychology at the University of Toronto. In 1999, he published his first book, Maps of Meaning: The Architecture of Belief, which became the basis for many of his subsequent lectures. The book combined information from psychology, mythology, religion, literature, philosophy, and neuroscience to analyze systems of belief and meaning.
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Buy Jordan Peterson's New book :
12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos - amzn.to/3onPjZY
Beyond Order: 12 More Rules for Life - amzn.to/34vmp39
Jordan Peterson's Maps Of Meaning (Audiobook) - amzn.to/3HGUJqA
Jordan Peterson's Maps Of Meaning (Paperback) - amzn.to/3HwE2OO
Summary: 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos by Jordan B. Peterson - amzn.to/34ksvUn
Workbook for 12 Rules for Life By Jordan B. Peterson - amzn.to/3J8fCM2
Savage Messiah: How Dr. Jordan Peterson Is Saving Western Civilization - amzn.to/3HBRhOk
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Thank You!!!
Rule of 3 for any situation:
1 by accident
2 careless
3 on purpose
Just look at the misery in his eyes. I wouldn't be him for a million bucks.
I was about to post "THe magic power of 3"
Note he said "...three times the CHaRM"
there is a lot to that 3 thingy as your submitting & maybe why its a old as F'k saying !
Maybe ?? Hmmmm.........yUp !!!
@@AlicedeTocqueville ....that is your[our] reflection kind of in his eyes. Anyone that realizes the human situation, speaks to it, tries to help.....looks it eventually.
He that can be judged by his fruits.....
Godspeed
@@cameltube-vk7el I'm not sure what you said, but, okay.
@@cameltube-vk7el Whaat ?
Then if they still deny and it doesn’t matter…they’re delusional. Walk away.
They have a plan to take that person as their favorite victim. I have been there and let it happen many times and it made me furious at myself and at him.
Thanks, both of you :)
Or they’re a narcissist.
😆
Yes they’ve proven to be a narcissist also after the 3rd time. I’m gone.
peterson will be immortalized in the history books along with the other greats
He’s a righteous monster awesome guy
Definitely but not for the reasons you think. The man is a joke who's found out how to make money off dude bros using word salads.
Yeah like hitler
He will be. One of the most important philosophers ever to grace the human race.
@@izools hahahaha
I call out hurtful words immediately in a kind voice because l do not believe a person speaking hurtful words is too fragile to take feedback
And how do they respond to that?
I have a different process.
First time: Employ active kindness.
Second time: Employ demonstrable love.
Third time: Employ distance.
I leave chastisement to God.
Love and All Good Things,
Jesse.🌹
What if there's no God?
@@Basil-HD
There is! I know Him personally!
Blessings! 🙏🏻
Jess.🌹
@T J
I beg to differ.
I have used this approach all my life, and it usually works out positively. For the few who don’t respond to love and kindness, distance works fine too.
Humans can’t ‘win ‘em all’!
Blessings! 🙏🏻
Jess.🌹
@T J
Thank you, T.J., but I ‘go’ where God sends me. There is much work to be done nowadays that can only be accomplished via Social Media.
It’s like any other tool. It can either be used for good or evil. I prefer ‘good.’
Love and All Good Things,
Jesse.🌹
Jesse i require heroin nourishment
This works, my father taught me this from his work experience. My favorite is when the person freezes like they've seen a ghost... The worst is when dealing with a manipulative person. They'll spin it every way but their originally intention. Just step away & do your best to not interact with them.
Exactly stepping away is best, except they do all this AFTER you married them.
@@godswillm575 really try, for a good while, mske an hobest effort no doubt, but DO NOT waste years ..decades ..of your life being tormented by a narcissist or just plain shitty type - married or not. God will understand. I hope…because honestly it’s just not worth living in misery for LIFE because we made a decision one time that very quite possibly could’ve been a wrong one - not fair to live with that for LIFE!? Nawwwwww. SAVE YOURSELF
@@sabateezy Hello, your comment helped me with my situation (living with à narcissist mother). I am so conditionned to stay home and close to my narc mother, that I begun to feel guilt when I was accepted in a school in another state, wich meant I was going to move out. Until this morning I doubted my decision, even though it is a good school. I was thinking about canceling everything and go to a university next to my parents house. But your comment helped me wake up and prioritise myself
@@RT-zr4th you go man you do your education or career or whatever that you think would make your life better
@@slipperysoap-bob Exactly, I will remember that and stand up for myself
Thank you so much. This helps me reduce my anxiety with confronting bad behaviour issues. 🙂✨
You just the best example of being a brilliant communicator who has depth of soul.
What my parents never taught me. Thank you, Dr.
Look for the pattern:
First we forgive, but remember
Second we take note, still willing to consider other reason
Third, we then point out their pattern.
In an abusive covertly coercive relationship however we’re often dealing with a very skilful manipulator who will justify, rationalise, explain-away, dismiss, shift blame onto you, or gaslight you into thinking ‘it didn’t occur the-way-it-really-did!!!’😳
‘Fake apologies’ are often given to shut you up & make you go back to sleep! And the-abuse-cycle-continues!
That's why it's simplified. 3 times, give the yellow card; 4th one? red card, and be determined to walk away for good.
See, actions > words
The strongest position is being able to walk away from anyone or anything and actually do it.
damn, well said
imo i say something at the 2nd time. 3rd is way to much. fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me
Fuck situational, always defend yourself all the time.
Winston Churchill: Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.
Love it but I prefer to let them know how much rage I’ll always carry from my sick childhood
Lol I agree. And you don't even have to be rude about (also exactly as you said). Just let them know, ask them in a polite way if everything's alright, softly but firmly assert the boundaries.
@@nancyinthegarden3160 what argument is that for you? Not sure if that's useful
@@IsraelCountryCube
I gave up understanding others at my late age in life. You, do not have to understand my logic even though it was meant to be a joke!
I give people plenty of time before I open a can of whoop ass.
@@IsraelCountryCube if you go out of your way to be rude, mean spirited, or just a jerk towards me or anyone in my company, why should Intake your crap. We’re supposed to use manners. Oh, I forgot what year this is
I usually agree with this Great man, but unless it's someone I truly care about, I'll stand up, otherwise I dont give my power away to anyone. How others "make me feel" is an illusion. I make myself feel, I am the Master of my ship. God Bless ❤
"Once is chance, twice is coincidence, three times is a pattern". Been working with my daughter on that one for both good and bad things recently, so it was kinda a cool coincidence to see this!
I truly wish I'd been young enough for JP to be my internet Dad... 😕
Beauty of the internet is that he can be ur internet dad even if u r older
I'm about the age of his daughter, but it feels as if he was my age for some reason. So... Having trouble with all the dad scheme too lol
It's never too late to become smart
and intelligent...👍💪✌️😊
Same. I would have never allowed my parents to belittle me, shatter most of my dreams & turn down a great opportunity ( it meant leaving the house, which they refused ).
I say nothing…I just disappear from their lives never to come back…it confuses the hell out of them!
Quite a passive aggressive thing to do.
Yes, you turn the other cheek. But you only have 2 cheeks.
Yes, so on the third time you stop them and put your foot down.
You have 2 other cheeks left lol
@@rosefig1841 , I don't think those "cheeks" are what Jesus was referring to. lol
Love that
@@rosefig1841 😭🤣😅
I use this rule in romantic relationships often.
@T probably best. That way you don’t hear “why you wait til now” mantras
The 3rd she slept with other guys I kicked her out 😂
@T That's fantastic! I love people who are outspoken the first time! I mean, why mess around? Who has time to waste?
After three greetings, iemm done ..!..-_•..!..
@@AlicedeTocquevilleI don't know. At first encounter I might be mistaken, or too emotional. After 2 more encounters I can finally notice the pattern and maybe point out the exact problem more clearly.
3 strikes then just drop em. No need to waste time and energy talking to them about it.
That's unfair and quite a passive aggressive thing to do. The other person should atleast get an explanation. No one would have any lasting relationship if they did this. We all make mistakes, sometimes get into problem patterns and habits, love is contending with each other and sticking it out. Some relationships are resolvable and others aren't but atleast we should try to resolve it otherwise no one would get better if we all avoided problem behaviour.
@@blondegiraffe2023 Fair point, but depends on the situation and the personalities involved. If it’s someone you feel a connection to, then of course you’ll try. However, it’s good to try to stay aware of manipulative types. Those are the ones to cut off sooner rather than giving many chances to repeat manipulative behaviors.
The INFJ door slam.
@@blondegiraffe2023my gut says it's not worth it. Worst case that starts a fight, best case they say sorry but they will do it again
Thank you. I sometimes work with someone who is insistent, arrogant, cocky, and often intentionally aggravating and annoying. And when I finally say something, even respectfully and assertively as a response and not a reaction, he shuts down, pouts, and acts like a surly teenager. This happened Saturday morning working together, and we will be working together next week. I felt good regarding saying something for myself, and have tried to not feel bad that he chose to receive what I had to say negatively.
Toxic people deserve no second chances. Demons keep away!!!
I'll call them on the first time. Their response shows their true colours. An excuse is a denial. Their only alternative is to apologise but to do it again later anyway. Their second time the spade gets called a spade.
I agree. No need to wait if your boundaries have been crossed. Being firm and polite is enough.
i wait for the 2nd time. but that's because while iam better at it i have had to work on being more assertive.
Thank you Mr. Peterson. This is one I understand. Sincerely yours, Ernst Klijzing, Amsterdam, the Netherlands.
If you wait for 3 times your fuckked.They lost too much respect for you and its too late to change it.Once is enough no waiting
Perfectly said. I used this as a disciplinary approach while teaching my children. Third strike you're out. But after each time I explain why and differently. Then the third time it's like not pizza & ice cream on Friday night. I never resort to physical harm. It's usually something given when they do good or something taken away when they did bad. Had barely any problem while they were growing up and a single parent and working two jobs.
Yes. Or give them a task to do where they are doing a chore or two to make up for what they did.
Thank y. I use this 3 times roules in my dailly life but not with my child. I will apply asap😊
@@marieem1648 Love it. I love passing what I learn as well Love hearing from others. We can always improve. I vowed the day I had a family I will never involve my children in the cycle of violence. But alas I always seem to pick guys who are in the perpetual date of the cycle of violence. My eldest son finally understood and said it is best to live alone (I do not I live with my daughter and close Tues to my son's)than to be in a toxic relationship. Yes. He understood. Open communication can be brought on by the 1, 2, 3 Magic discipline. Teaches open discussion, debate, research, and free thinking which equals maturity way before age 18. You will love it. Even when you think you made a mistake you did not. You're teaching through your mistakes to. My the gods be with you.
Thank you. I had to do that today and it's very difficult. But it needs to be done.
Sometimes two times is enough. My wife and I met this couple who seemed nice, and well, they are. Only problem is, they talk constantly about themselves and what they know etc. and they don’t give us space.
There’s an awful lot of people talking an awful lot.
It's okay to step in. Like '~~~ aside, how about ~?' Suggest a drink for example
Yup 3 strikes rule
True but when dealing with a work bully they only dialogue they will have is to escalate the situation. Forcing you to dish out what you receive and you are considered the problem which cost you your career which happens time after time.
I use the three time thing too. I also use, is it kind, is it necessary, is it true. After the third time, it would be unkind of me to not say something. Accountability is kind too.
I’ve always instinctively done this. I don’t like confrontation but will say what needs to be said when it comes down to it.
No I totally disagree with this. You have to act up as soon as someone is out of order, this way they will think twice about being rude to you or pissing you off!
When they blow up, intentionally ignore you when spoken to, walk into you without apologizing, don't say hello or exchange pleasantries that's a sign to stay away
Thank you so much for this! I made this decision the other day regarding a situation in my life and this person is now on the second strike with me😩 I told my mom i would wait for a 3rd time to address this persons behavior and i stumble upon this. I feel like I’m on the right track❤️
No, I will say what needs to be said the first time, that way the person will know what not to do thereby avoiding mistake 2 & 3.
Sounds like a tremendous waste of energy to keep track of the “score”.
This.
Fucking exhausting.
I only give one chance now… been burned one to many times to fall for that third time’s a charm bit 🤷♀️
Yeah! Or at least things should be said, so that you can see they did it consciously the second time. And then leave. That's also the approach I've seen some other therapists employ. I don't understand Jordan's 3 times tbh
Great advice 💯. Agree 100%. Where are times what you need Stand for yourself.
I've been struggling with how to do this. Thank you for sharing this
Bro this is actually what I needed because I didn’t know when it was enough 😅❤❤
I did. I told her that "Gossip is devil's tongue. Why would you want the devil in your mouth. Or for that matter in your life?"
Personally, I find it sad that some people feel that the only attention they can get is by gossiping about everyone behind their backs. When someone stand's outside a neighbour's window and listens, they have no idea what is actually happening inside that particular home. People cannot assume that they could possibly know.
It's August and I grieve my dear friend that I haven't seen for over twenty years now. I can't travel to visit him. I miss him so very much it hurts. I also grieve my children that live in the same country as my friend does. I can't travel there ever again for medical reasons as it's life threatening to me. I say a lot of random thoughts out loud, then I let them go. There isn't a time limit for grieve. I wish that neighbour would stay the heck away from my windows. As my life is none of her concern. Period end of subject!!!
I ignored red/pink flags in a friend for the past 5 years. We recently had our first serious disagreement, in which I admitted as to how I should have liked behaved differently along with my apologies.
They on the other hand got so low, cruel, and untruthful with me, idk if I can ever be around them again. They just wanted me to accept their apologies and "move on" without them acknowledging ANY problematic behaviour on their part.
I know from experience that we will just have the same problems again if there is a "next time", since they don't admit any fault or wrongdoing. No accountability.
So yeah sometimes the first time is enough.
Spot on. I totally agree. Thank you Professor Peterson.
Beautiful thought...if people react the way he describes the aggressor responding. Sometimes you do this and the person says "that's not what I said."
JUST WENT through this w 87 yr old…3rd time I said “ you have done this before and I let it go, but I don’t deserve to be treated this way”. She replied “ I shouldn’t have to feel like I’m walking on eggshells when talking to you in my own house” Besides leaving, which I did, how would you have responded to that?
ur "Absence"...does the Speaking? Right 👍
I've always had the 3 strikes you're out philosophy too. But in the case of friendships I no longer have the hope that the relationship can be fixed. I'm way too experienced. So after 3 times I'm ending the relationship.
That's what I followed all my life and also taught my 9 year old daughter, bare with the opposite person for 3 time, if same repeats 4th time Charge... No matter who is in front of you, always remember if you follow this you'll find your father backing you.
Bear*
@@angelwings7930 Thanks for correcting🙏
This man makes so much sense. Gives practical life advice that we can use. People should be grateful for the knowledge he imparts.
Should react even first time, but nicely, civilly. ( Think of it as yourself doing it, -- without the response reaction, you may not realize it's something not-repeatable).
Such good advice.
The law of seven sins maturation:
Sin once is an anomaly.
Twice is a trend.
Thrice: a pattern.
Four: practice.
Five: habit.
Six: character.
Seven times is a destiny.
I chastise them the first time, it’s much simpler that way, and avoids them doing it two more times. The two more times will be worse, because they have already gotten away with it and think you’re weak.
Great advice thanks Dr. Peterson
Fool me one time shame on you
Fool me twice, can't put the blame on you
Fool me three times, fuck the peace signs -J. Cole
Oh man, try taking verbal abuse for 16 years, all the while making excuses for that person, ignoring it, and telling myself it's just "tough love." I finally internally snapped two days ago. Just didn't reply to her and am considering just not ever talking to her again, at least in any meaningful way. Probably not the best way of handling it, I know.
Give the benefit of a doubt untill they have removed all doubt, and you go straight into knowing weather they are good or bad. Jesus said you know them by their fruits weather they are good or bad😁
Why? Why give the benefit of the doubt? When someone strikes out against you, give yourself the benefit of the doubt. Don’t deal with crap because you will be the one suffering. Is that how you want to live your life?
Ppl are shooting stabbing killing over stupid things. I'd probably avoid them fully if possible. But if you have to work with them or live with them you can have a sit down and be civilized hopefully to deal with this.
I've had this rule my whole life. Finally, I feel some validation from JP!
I wish I'd known this man when I was younger.
Thank you Jordan Peterson
I don’t have time to keep record of everyone who wrongs me and the number of times they wrong me. It’s easier to just forgive and let it go.
I don't wait! I point it out immediately if I can but within a day or two if I need to process what has happened and find the correct words when I approach them. Chances are it won't happen again, but if it does I call them out again immediately. If you don't have healthy boundaries people will step all over you, and if you let it slide, you have no boundaries. People respect boundaries and if they don't, they have none of their own and they need to stay out of your life!
Thanks for the advice
I've got an older sister that has never gotten to the point of seeing/treating me as her equal, or with respect.
Whenever I confronted her with something she did or said, that crossed a boundary, she would say that I was dredging up old history.
I didn't give her credit that she had changed.
I told her that looking upon a history of past behaviors, is a good predictor of what will happen in the present and future.
She said that I took things personally.
How could I not, when it was directed at me personally?
She said I was unforgiving and held grudges, when I would commit anything to memory.
She told me that she had my back and then repeatedly threw me under the bus.
I think she meant that she had my back to use as a doormat and something to walk all over, so she wouldn't get her feet dirty.
We parted ways over 10 years ago when she left me $15,000.00 in debt.
(It would cost me more to sue her than to cut my losses and move on).
She told me that I deserved it.
It would be good for me to dig myself out, because she believed I was living a charmed life.
She has burned all her bridges with me. The way is blocked and I am at peace.
I know that the bridge is gone and she cannot reach me or hurt me any more.
She will keep being her.
I will keep being me.
In medicine there is also a “rule of 3”
When diagnosing
1 one sign or symptom (SOS) and you have a possible diagnosis
2. Two SOS you have a probable diagnosis
3. 3 SOS you have a Definite diagnosis
I just pull out my suspicions early by harnessing my equilibrium and plunging as forthright as possible into truth
I wish it was the same when good things happened between each other.
Thanks, will apply this.
Thanks Kindly! VERY Valuable Advice! I have benefited greatly from JBP’s Healthy Perspective & Counsel!
My new perspective is to Realize & REMEMBER that NOT ALL PEOPLE ARE NICE & Civil, or, CONSIDERATE “LIKE ME!” To me the Normal Definition of: Naive = Lack of Experience, Judgement, & wisdom, which yes, comes fm. Being Young, etc. But, for me as an Adult, I had to realize that even knowing that there are people that are NOT So NICE, BAD, or, EVIL… I continued to “PROJECT MY OWN GOODNESS!” So I had to realize that I needed to Remove MY GOOD FAIRY EYES, & keep my Antennas SHARP for the TRUTH of EACH INDIVIDUAL, & only TRUST AFTER TIME & PROOF of “WHO THEY SHOW THEY ARE.” I Treat all with Civility, Respect, & Dignity,” yet, Choose to Disassociate with those that are on a Differing protocol.
Those that Do Unfavorable Stuff, that I can’t Disassociate w/ Completely - Like some Family - I try to set Boundaries, or, IGNORE & “NOT ENGAGE” With Them, as much as Possible! For Narcissists-RUN the Other WAY, as FAST as Possible & DON’T LOOK BACK!
🙏🏻💛🕊🍃
Ols Sicilian proverbs, Once is happenstance, twice is coincidence, third time is enemy action. I think Ian Fleming used this in his book, Goldfinger.
i always get em on the first strike coz im that old... kids need to be weathered right
IMO, except when you're dealing with a narcissist.
I did!!! I stood up for myself!!
I was shamed for doing so, but I dont care! 3rd time is a charm!
Wise.. really wise.. i'll apply this in real life. Thanks a lot ☺
Yes, I need this
This is brilliant. I will remember this.
Great advice
100% correct
Beautifully worded
As a child I had Fred Rogers to help guide me and as an adult I have Jordan Peterson. Thank you, God, for such blessings.
AWESOME ADVICE.
Well same here...even after warning again n again my ex hit me physically..afterwards seeing him cry like a baby i forgave him ...but 3 times physical abuse...no..its a habit..not a mistake..i prioritized my self respect& mental peace more than him & left
This man symbolizes wisdom!
Dr. Peterson, I am on your side.
Depends on the extent of the insult. Sometimes once is too much, but twice is definitely too much.
Ian Flemmings Goldfinger to 007:
First time is happenstance,
Second time is coincidence,
Third time is enemy action !
If you confront the other at every turn, then they can't deny every offense. After the second time, you can do as I do: I warn them that if it happens again, I cannot promise that I won't break their jaw, AND MEAN IT!
Rules Of Engagement ❤
I’m in the process of confronting someone who has been unresponsive on 3 days (not in order, they still do respond but sporadically). I’m asking straight up are you still interested and are you gonna follow through on the commitment that we made to do something this week
Keep it up
@@Nick-rg8oz they didn’t follow through. Disappointed but I’ll get over it
That sounds different. Maybe this person has social anxiety or panic attacks or yes it could be he/she is just playing.
@@SuperBobby1967 she just didn’t prioritize communicating quickly. Said she didn’t wanna string me out but kinda strung me out over a week by leaving me in the dark mostly
@@SuperBobby1967 And the reason for a confrontation is to find out which situation is true. You don't want to assume it's anxiety, but really someone is just stringing you along, and you don't want to throw someone out for "stringing you along" when there's a reasonable excuse and desire for improvement.
Word 👊this Is a dope message .
Normally 1 time is the charm. Lot of our behaviors are subconscious.
That works only if they are willing to talk
Ha! They will turn and say “you’re petty you hold grudges”! 🤣
'why didn't you say anything earlier??'
'you used to be ok with it'
'you changed'
'stop controlling me'
'mind you own business'
🤷♀️
So that's how you call giving people chances?
@@td2222 just for clarification, how many chances do you have in mind?
No, I’m not gonna wait for them to do that. If I am already counting the times they are rude, I am already anxious and waiting for the next time. I’m not gonna do that to myself
“3 times, that’s a pattern.”
life's not baseball to hell with three strikes⚾
I don’t know if there is a certain number of times before confronting someone. Sometimes you know during the first time they’re striking out against you and if that’s the case, I let them know right then and there. You have to listen to your gut. Remember, you teach people how to treat you.
This is exactly what happened to me only
a few months ago and I was thinking
exactly in these 3 steps.
The lady couldn't take the truth and the confrontation. It has ended up that she doesn't even say Hello to me.
I don’t confront because it’s useless, I just take myself out of the scene, no headaches, no effort.
Jordan B Peterson: the greatest mind of our time.
I don't let it go or play games anymore with people. If someone is snotty, rude, insensitive, inconsiderate, etc. I ask them right then to their face what they mean by that, or what the problem is, etc. I want them to own up to what they said or did before I tell them what they need to hear.