Autism & how Repressed Anger contributes to Dissociation/ Alexithymia
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- Опубліковано 12 чер 2024
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Time stamps:
Intro 00:00-02:34
My History with Anger 02:35-09:01
Effects of Repressed Anger 09:02-20:31
Intellectualizing Enables Suppression 20:32-24:28
Breaking the Cycle 24:29-29:20
Food for Thought 29:21-45:13
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I never allowed myself to b angry- thought I was being selfless by transmuting it into a quiet sadness. It just made me perpetually quietly sad! Here’s to unlearning. 👊
Growing up with autism, my parents and teachers never allowed me to be angry.
Same. It felt like people didn’t are about the way I felt, and they didn’t understand me. I don’t know about the first part of that, but the sec part is 100% true.
@@Reed5016I was too nice growing up to the point of being naive, I’m careful who I show empathy towards
@@Reed5016 also it sucks being 31 and single since 20. I’m better off dating a woman with autism like myself.
@@millabasset1710Honestly, same. I’m a people pleaser to my core now, and a lot of people take advantage of me.
@@Reed5016I ditched my high school friends recently, I was taken advantage of for years and enabled it. Also it’s telling when you’re the one initiating conversations and the other ones aren’t. I’ve had fake friends flaking on me for several years.
My anger is so intense, and scares me so much. I’m getting better at allowing it to be expressed in healthy ways, but repressing it for so long has turned it into something very frightening and unfamiliar.
Yea I get that, but I'd be fine if I could let it out
Same. I experienced very traumatic things last year, making me lose control and lash out and scream, which i never ever did in my life, this made a horrible impact on my physical health, especially my heart. Now im living with constant fear of not being able to control myself and my emotions. I don't even know what to do about it. Because every time I've reacted to my anger, my body got internally hurt in some ways
Same
Yeah I think this has happened to me too! I don't feel like myself.
same omfg
This explains so much! I was forced to mask and repress anger because I was constantly invalidated for my emotions at a certain age range. My anger and sadness was never taken seriously in my teenage years, gaslit by my mother as "becoming psychotic" when she would become explosive and threw things and me screaming to "shut it". I have CPTSD from that... took me another decade before I realized I need to express my anger and defend my right to, especially when there is a wrong being done!
Did we all have the same mother? I swear, this spoke to me. I hope you're healing my friend.
@@saininjthankfully it's been over a decade since those years, she did genuinely love me but it seemed like a ton of stigma and stereotypes she held against me came from the diagnosis I had at the time.
As I got older I'd be told stop acting like a 5yo when I was most likely having a meltdown. I have SO much but it can't get OUT
@@saininjexactly, I fully relate too! I swear we all had the same mother 😄. OP I’m really sorry, I hope you’re feeling a little bit better as you get older ❤
@@saininjexactly, I fully relate too! I swear we all had the same mother 😄. OP I’m really sorry, I hope you feel a little bit better as you get older ❤
“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned” -Buddha
Anger was the #1 family emotion for us.
Wow! That’s great. This Buddha guy knew his stuff.
I hate Buddha...his life was overpriveledged, and he got a lot of things wrong.
@@gothboschincarnate3931hate is a very strong word, for someone you have never met or even heard speak. I don't want to diminish your feeling, I don't want need you to reply, I'm hoping to spark ideas to get you to explore your feelings.
Because I used to be really bad at knowing my feelings, and repressing (still working on it), and realised pertained I was misdirecting my anger towards completely external "figureheads/ avatars"
Humans are human, we all get a lot of stuff wrong, that's okay. Doesn't mean any single one of us can't hold wisdom. Doesn't mean getting stuff wrong means someone gets everything wrong.
Hating someone you've never met, is as harmful as loving someone you've never met.
For me it's misdirected emotions about real life interactions because I couldn't express "negative" emotions like anger, pain, grief, fear, sadness, loneliness...or that feeling that no matter my attempts to find answers there were never answers.
For you it could be different, and it could be that this doesn't warrant exploring.
But try trust that I'm writing this comment with good intentions, even though I'm a stranger on the internet
@@gothboschincarnate3931his followers got a lot wrong. Very few ever knew what he was talking about
@gothboschincarnate3931 hey at least you're honest about it
Underlying my anger is sadness or anxiety. Expressing it physically or vocally and then crying is normally the only way I release it.
I always say anger is usually sadness in a trench coat
For me, fear is often what underlies anger.
Also, depression is anger turned inward. I wasn't allowed to be angry - even frustrated with normal things that anyone would be angry or frustrated about. Its led to a lifetime of depression.
By repressing and intellectualizing our emotions and ourselves in any and every ways possible. We are washing away our authentic self. We are completely ignoring our intuition and we do pay the price.
We're all on our own path Irene. These break throughs are precious, these moments genuinely make me realize what the meaning of Gratitude is. I'm seriously grateful for this video because even tho I'm on my own journey currently, I found so many nuggets of wisdom in your video.
Thank you so much!!❤
Edit: Working out and blasting music is still my favourite way to process my anger. I've never been so regulated than when I was regularly working out.
As an autistic woman who is also trying to spread awareness here, this video is SO ON POINT TO WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH! I can't wait to finish it, but I just had to comment! ❤❤❤
Repressing the anger has been feeding my depression because it got turned against me. As a teen, it also led to ED issues.
Last year, for the first time I allowed myself to get angry at others and it felt GOOD. It lasted MONTHS because it was years of repressed anger coming out at once and it was so painful to deal with.
this is happening to me right now, as i’m past the point of demonizing anger from family issues. i’m very trigger happy to express it when its deserved, and it’s definitely a learning experience
Don’t let it bottle up. You’re a human being, allow yourself to be angry and express it the moment you feel it, but of course, in a productive way, love you 💛
So accurate about women repressing anger and autoimmune diseases. Men struggle with being allowed to show sadness and vulnerability, but women aren't allowed to express boundaries and anger when boundaries have been crossed, because god forbid we're hysterical, etc. Our anger is pathologized when it is something that has gone behind every revolution for women's rights. Anger is a threat to patriarchy. So express! In a healthy way ofc ;).
When I was in jr high I learned how to death-growl because I was really into horror movies and death metal. It's great because it engages your vocal cords int the same way singing falsetto does which allow you to ful- force-scream at a low volume.
Ha cool I need to do that
@@quryilsame
Def learning how to do gutterals is an awesome way to let out the full force of a top-of-your-lungs scream but at a volume that can be very acceptable even if you’re around people. I work in a kitchen and I do it all the time. Alongside the noise and volume of the kitchen it just sounds like an annoyed grunt. People will prolly still look at you weird, but not in the same way as screaming out loud will.
BTW, anybody can do it too. You don't have to be some 250lb dude.
"Pisces" by Jinjer
@crankydragon one of my favorites from them!
I was a super angry kid. Pretty early on, though, I had to teach myself to bury it. I did that for years. I remember the movie Anger Management really stuck with me. I didn't realize how angry I actually was. I kept dissociating for YEARS until a few years back. My wife and I were dating and she told me that I was "watching TV in my head" around my family. I didn't even realize I had been tuned out for so long. This was all before I figured out I was neurodivergent. Here I am at 42, finally being more present in situations.
I really connected with your description of screaming in the car. That's been a huge anger release for me. Tensing up and absolutely going berserk with shouting.
I'm AuDHD and grew up in a similar environment so this is really relatable. I learned to resent my anger because I automatically associated it with abuse. Thank you for being vulnerable with your story and speaking to the importance of allowing ourselves to feel anger ❤
I developed Dissociative Identity Disorder because of these exact issues. I went from never truly remembering or understanding the feeling of anger to it being the most overwhelming strongest emotion I ever had and I still struggle with managing it till this day. Now I am unable to not allow myself to feel my emotions and express them. Even if I try to suppress my emotions, it’s only a matter of time until I have a meltdown.
DID. Me too. It's so hard. No one ever thought Autism, because DID is all they could see. DID is an extreme form of masking, in my opinion.
Omg yallllll this exact thing happened to me too. I feel not so alone in my experience
@@heatheranne9305yes I think this is highly likely
Never drive when emotional. It is more dangerous than being drunk.
Shit that's very worrying
It’s so freaky to go your entire life misunderstood and then finally find videos of others speaking on your exact thoughts and connections it’s such a relief off my shoulders but feels like it’s not even real life. To know I’m not the only one who thinks this way has saved my life. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences (and all other AuDHD creators) it’s helping people more than you may ever realize.
Not only did I repress my anger out of fear of hurting others, I also intellectualized it in a not healthy way. Instead of just trying to understand what caused my anger, I systematically told myself out of it by gaslighting myself and minimizing or discrediting the reasons I was angry. Like I convinced myself that it wasn't so bad in order to avoid having to set my boundaries witch was to stressful for me.
I only recently realized that my main compensatory strategy to avoid being perceived negatively was to not let myself think or feel anything other than what I thought I should think or feel. Witch is very messed up.
It took me six years to understand that my job was destroying me because I didn't let myself feel, process or understand my negative emotions. I was told that having a lot of social connexions and helping people was a meaningful way of living that would make good people happy, and so I convinced myself that I loved doing it even thought it was too much socializing for me and then didn't understand why my physical and mental health were falling apart.
I'm going through the exact same things right now (I'm still not sure if I have AuDHD). I have never felt angry until about a year ago when I started therapy, and even then, I didn't know what to do with the feeling, dismissed it, and my issues worsened. It wasn't until about two months ago when I started struggling with derealization and depersonalisation (as a result of ending a very important friendship that turned toxic) that I realised what I have been doing to myself all my life and was finally able to start my healing journey. It's rough. But I'm starting to accept myself and dig into the unpleasant stuff in order to listen to and understand myself better. And it was so healing to me to read your experience and feel understood. Thank you very much for sharing. It feels good to feel less alien.
I’m only 9 minutes but I wanna say I’m glad you listened to your intuition to talk about this because this is something I really REALLY need to hear and immediately resonated with so thank you 🫶🏾
Sounds like “fawning” which is usually a survival strategy from trauma. I think some autistics struggle to stop their anger coming out. Personally, anger was the only “negative” emotion I was allowed to express growing up because I was raised in a typical repressed British household. Crying or being sad was absolutely not allowed. So everything would bubble under the surface until it all exploded out in anger. I need to learn how to identify what I’m actually feeling underneath the anger and how to express it instead of anger.
I grew up as the eldest child/daughter and the family 'mediator' between my divorced parents and younger siblings..... this hits me SO hard, the anger eventually forced it's way out when I completely fell apart mentally as a late teen and developed a serious binge drinking problem and self-harm addiction :(
🙏
For me, listening to "angry" music like metal and punk + moving my body (doing high intensity exercise) has always helped. I think listening to metal music in particular taught me that it is ok to be angry, and there are many ways to express it.
On point Irene. Anger is an emotion just like happiness or sadness. Finding healthy ways to express the anger is key. I've read that monks are at a high risk for diabetes. They found a link between repressing anger and diabetes. So the body really does keep the score. ❤
Without anger you become a doormat and are extremely at the mercy of others (ability to stop themselves). My home life was a war zone. I got beaten up regularly, had to watch my sister being hit as well. My anger and stubbornness were the only thing that made me able to hang on for dear life. I've been in chronic fight response for ages. I have no issues with arguments. But I had to work with my rage because a part of me was still stuck on the battlefield fighting for it's life. Reactive and locked in. Like a dog having another in a death grip. Underneath is deep deep powerlessness and grief. Tons and tons of grief. To me it's much easier to 'step into the ring' than go into that. Because it feels like i would just cry for years. And that energy is a lot lower than anger. Anger moves shit. Wild ride eh? Everyone has different layers to feel. Somatic work is great. Some yoga chest opening made me instant cry too. Be sure to be grounded enough so your nervous system can deal. Ps: Oh yeah, I did martial arts for 12 years and boy was I way more chill back then. Planning to get back into it.
As an autistic woman who deals with this exact same issue myself and has been getting close to this realization, I'm so glad and appreciative that you've made the connection and made this video. It should be a gem and vital resource for every autistic woman to watch. It got so bad for me that I spent a year struggling with severe dissociation and have only now come out of it and begun to connect to myself again. Being completely cut off from yourself and from your emotions and life is such a sad way to exist. I've also struggled with self-harm. This video has encouraged me to begin expressing and releasing my anger in safe and healthy ways so that I can make the next step in my personal growth. Thank you so much, truly.
P.S: Funnily enough, I had the exact same experience as you. After an argument with someone where I couldn't regulate myself, I left and as I was driving home I couldn't take it anymore and started screaming and screaming.
As a 28y/o afab previously undiagnosed Au/HD person, I *needed* this. I have never felt more heard by anyone, especially someone who's never met me; the parallels between what you were saying and what I've experienced were almost too much to bear. It feels so obvious now why I'm always in pain, more than anything thank you for giving me ideas and new ways to heal/cope. Take care,
Thank you for sharing 🙏🏾
For those not into astrology, what she is saying about being in her Saturn Return is that she is in a time of learning some very hard lessons.
After getting in touch with my anger, I too now cry every time anything feels intense. Good luck with your journey. It's intense. Maybe we'll meet one day on the other side.
I have a similar realisation a couple of weeks ago. This is extremely validating, thank you. I'm not sure if I'm able to word it correctly, but I'm trying. I didn't realise I was dissociating for years, it really changed the way I'm expressing myself now. I had a lot of anger in my in my feelings but I'm never able to express it. Instead I was depressed, but I didn't know how to put the way my brain works into words. I didn't know I was autistic until 30 years later. I'm chronically ill. I shut down sometimes, but it's not really what I mean by dissociating constantly - my brain was automatically daydreaming and repeating harmful memories at every chance it got. I wasn't able to focus when I sat down without doing anything, I always was in a different world when I disassociated. I HAD to watch, read, play, do anything in order to distract me from my thoughts but the act of doing this is also me dissociating. It was a symptom. Often I realised I wasn't focusing but I wasn't able to to do anything about it. One day I was in car as a passenger after I have this realisation and I tried to be in the present and I couldn't last for a minute. Not even a minute.
It breaks my heart that my traumas could dig this deeply without me realising it. I thought that this was how everyone with depression felt like. It's no wonder that I'm chronically tired, by brain is working overtime.
Yea I am (have been for idk how long now) stuck in that *always* NEEDING music or anything to tune out my thoughts so I can "focus" on a task
Oh my god. I could have written this except I havent had a realization yet until this video maybe
I highly highly recommend the book On Our Best Behavior: The Seven Deadly Sins and the Price Women Pay to Be Good by Elise Loehnen. She talks about how this is a struggle for ALL women due to being forced to *not* be angry and most women do not know how to process their anger and it comes out in other ways. Of course, this is wayyyy more for us with asd. When I read the chapter on Wrath, this was the epiphany that I had as well. You're not alone.
This one really hit me hard. I have a terrible relationship with my own anger, and I'm only just now struggling to allow myself to ever feel angry, but I've had so many years of dissociating to avoid it that I can't even cry when I need to.
Interestingly, one of the things that I've always turned to without even realizing why (long before I even knew I was AuDHD) is extreme, harsh music. So when I'm extremely disregulated and don't have the tools to cope, listening to death metal at high volume is one of the only things that calms me.
Since becoming aware of it, I have also found some research to support the notion that extreme music can be helpful for people who struggle with emotional processing.
As a grown up woman I still have friends and notice that many people who see anger as something just unhealthy or highly transitory. Being angry helped me tremendously to move away from bad situations and abusive relationships without fear, attachment, resentment or feelings of guilt. Anger helps, it gives you strength and motivates for change, as mentioned in the video. That being said I'm not anger charged and I'm not going around kicking stuff on the street or I am mean to people. No. It's very directed to the situations and / or people who had affected me and it has protected me from those. That energy (that you talk about in the video) is just amazing!
Wow so much to unpack, you’ve inspired me to go and scream my anger out on my car. 31 years of anger
I do this all the time!
The method of expressing my anger that works best for me is having an angry rant. Vocalizing the specific things that are making me angry, especially in the presence of a person who understands that I am just getting it out and that it is not an attack towards them. Having someone who can witness my anger really helps dissipate it. I usually find that I have tons of energy afterwards. Mostly, my anger wants to be heard. Because of this, I am also someone who is happy to listen to someone else's angry rants. It's very cathartic.
The crying thing has been happening to me recently! All of a sudden, everything has started to make me cry. I remember being scared when it started lol, because even things like car commercials where a mom comes home to her kids after a long day would have me tearing up. I’ve always been told I’m a very emphatic person, loud and memorable, but I think a lot of that came from not knowing what I was feeling and just acting how I thought I was supposed to. Also having zero sense of tonal or volume control 😂. Since ive started to cry very randomly, I’ve been trying to express it to my roommates and friends, but no one else I’ve known seems to understand it. So this video made me feel very seen. It also gave me an explanation for a change in my life which I couldn’t explain, a ‘why’ for my emotional disregulation, which is great because now I feel like I can work on processing it better! So thank you for sharing❤️
Ugh, my whole life since puberty!!! I was bullied in school, and the anger from that time still haunts me now as a 35 year old. I still haven't released any of it properly, but I find that listening to aggressive music (I'm mainly a metal-head) helps... I discovered that for myself in my teens. One more thing I like to do when feeling intense anger is punching the air while holding a dumb bell in each hand! That or using a rowing machine at the gym. Buuut going to a live metal concert beats all of them :3
I grew up in a veeeery calm family, and anger was a hostile emotion to show, so I repressed it in order to not scaring or upsetting people around me... Even the ones that made me so angry. I became unhealthily calm on the outside and constantly anxious on the inside.
Thank you for talking about this, Irene
As the oldest child in my family I was so concerned with being the peace-maker that I was made to feel like I couldn't let myself feel anything. I was never in sports but I felt a similar sort of release being involved in singing groups and theater growing up. It's been really great to rediscover those creative outlets in adulthood because music has truly always been the main thing that has made me feel seen. ❤
That's true I can kind of express my anger through music even if it is suuuuuuuper repressed. I was parentified by two parents who could not self-regulate so I always had to be the regulator for them and that created a lot of unhealthy patterns.
repressing anger bc I'm deeply resentful about how others have expressed it in the past and becoming a rational funny monk in how I express myself in anger and around anger is my favorite gender fr
I have so much repressed anger and frustration. It seemed like all the NT’s around me were able to express that, but not me. I had to be on my best behaviour to be accepted. I realise now that I struggle extremely with setting boundaries - I just don’t, and isolate instead. It feels so lonely living this way. I feel like I don’t have the “right” to express my boundaries because I’m a fundamentally broken person. Sighs.
Dont internalize boundary issue so much often we expect outcomes inconsistent with reality which deepens pain. Most ppl who violate common boundaries, do it systemically and pathological ly, to one degree or some other. I’m saying this to say the presumption is there is an assertion method that will result in your boundary being accepted by others this is wrong. Ppl who are going to violate your boundaries do so bc of there behavioral precedents, become incompatible
Audher here as well as Survivor of childhood abuse and currently becoming an Art Therapist. This video essay came at a perfe t moment when I'm writing my current essay on Disenfranchised Grief and it's sibling Anger
I have so many thoughts! I’m having the same discovery during my Saturn return. I just discovered I have a dissociative disorder (I’ve noticed a lot of audhd people have as well And I suspect it’s bc of the topic of this video + the trauma of no support and maliciously masking) and the first this to come up after somatic therapy was anger. I screamed for a long time the very next day. Once I did that I realized all the pain and tension I was in. I hear you and this video made me feel heard every single part. ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
I also wanna add we did what we needed to survive- including the suppression.
I just started the video but i have been recently diagnosed with autism after being diagnosed with OCD (somatic and existential subtypes) & a dissociative disorder a year and a half ago. My narcissistic and emotionally abusive relationship with my ex had triggered a lot of mental health issues while also shining light on my autistic traits, which encouraged me to get tested for it. I built up a lot of resentment towards my ex throughout the 2 year relationship and I also witnessed my parents' domestic abuse. All of the childhood and romantic relationship traumas formed my avoidant attachment style and triggered a freeze trauma repsonse. My brain learned to disconnect from my environment and body during stressful periods. However, the DPDR (derealization/depersonalization) symptoms just created more anxiety. I constantly suppressed my emotions and trauma, appearing fine and numb on the outside but I was interally screaming and panicking. It really is unhealthy to keep things bottled up as you mentioned because the harmful stored energy can manifest as physical illnesses, imbalances, and negative projection. I am grateful to come across another autistic person that notices the correlation with autism and dissociation. This topic is rarely discussed. ❤
Does your OCD cause pain I have heds autism ADHD pain is worst symptom
I often feel guilty for expressing anger, and think that "I'm a nice person, I shouldn't get angry at people, that makes them feel bad, and it isn't really their fault." I notice that I'm starting to do that intellectualizing thing, focusing on "Ok, what am I feeling, why am I feeling it, this isn't a good emotion, let's find out where it's coming from and make it stop." I needed the reminder to let it out - this applies to other things too, not just anger! Guilt, shame, anything that I dislike, I tend to repress. Thank you for talking about this.
Yes! It’s useful to acknowledge where the feeling comes from, but it’s not okay to use that acknowledgment to stop feeling it.
I love this topic! Very timely for me. 54 yrs of anger repressed into my body and now I have MS. I really need to get a grip on this problem. It's literally destroying me.
I really have lost count of how many of your videos have made me cry from just feeling connected and understood. I'm in my late 30s and taking this long to realize your autistic truly feels like so much of your life has been stolen.
Re anger: I've spent too many years in toxic home situations, just like you, trying to be calm and quiet. At it's worst it would feel like the fucking sun was inside my chest. I've also done a lot of screaming and crying in my car on the highway. Going on challenging technical hikes is another favorite, though living in the plains makes that less accessible unfortunately...
Another thing I've recently realized I used to deal with everything, anger, my need to stim, escapism etc is GOING TO CONCERTS. I've been to 300+ in my lifetime and just always found them so cathartic. I never questioned it but boy, being able to scream and yell and headbang and go insane in a mosh pit was always just the best feeling in the world for me. Not being able to go to shows COVID era put me in a pretty heavy depressive state.
Anyway! Thank you for your content, it's always appreciated
I recently started a full time job at an elementary school where I work specifically and more intensively with kids who have autism, adhd, or other neuro-divergent proclivities and your content has helped me a lot in my own understanding and in practice ❤
This is so relatable. Thanks for this video. I've repressed it a lot all my life. I'm still learning how to use it in productive ways, because I too have internalized it and not used it to remove me from unsafe situations, setting boundaries and just have swallowed it all.
I SEE you, I feel you. All of this, my parents were angry, and I didn’t want to make it worse. Never wanting to express anger has been incredibly harmful.
“Maybe I saved so many different people in different situations, but the one person I was not saving and was actually actively harming, was myself.” God damn that hit me so hard and resonate with it so much. Truly have so much to unpack. Thank you so much for helping me find the words to describe how I’ve been feeling for all these years. As a late diagnosed 30 y/o Autistic, your videos have been so helpful ❤
Irene, this video has such perfect timing for me. I feel like all of this is what I’ve wanted to express, but I was worried people would t understand. I remember having the same process recording myself a voice memo. Starting off with my Alexithymia, intellectualization, then inner child work, real rage mixed with sadness, strong emotions in my chest and stomach, and then grieving for my childhood.
I keep catching myself thinking I’ve “gotten over it” because my life continues to move within a routine, but it’s reminders like this that help me to return to those primal emotions and the grieving process.
Yup, so much learned helplessness and freezing and fawning.
I relate to this video so hard, there's so many emotions I realized I suppressed because it was a defense mechanism and I've been trying to relearn them again. Anger is one of the hardest ones to feel, since I just never feel angry. Or choose not to, or logic it away, I dunno.
It's so unnatural that it feels like I'm pretending to be angry sometimes. But if I could re teach myself to feel sadness and cry again, I can do this too some day. It helps reminding myself that anger happens when injustice occurs (to yourself or others) and should be used as a motivating tool.
I wish everybody the best of luck on their self discovering journeys. ❤
Thanks for covering this topic Irene you are always ahead of the curve.
As a clinical mental health counselor I work with clients who are Neurodivergent especially immigrants.
I've noticed women who repressed their anger chronically once they become mothers or reach menopause, the anger is almost uncontrollable.
I’m so glad someone is taking about this. I deal with constant anger now and it seems to be linked to stimulation and sensitivities. But no one else has made a video about this. I’m exited to watch!
Irene, you are a legend. Truly, madly, deeply: thank you for this. You have an elegant way of expressing your thoughts while still respecting the vast amounts of processing and self-editing we tend to do. Your story landed close to home, and while I was the oldest son in my scenario, I can absolutely relate to swallowing my anger and holding every knife inward. Let’s hope this apartment has walls sturdy enough for 30+ years of trauma 😜
I’m so happy you listened to your intuition and uploaded this. Just as you said halfway through the video, I also have been really processing memories, learning how to do it emotionally, rather then just logically accepting that they happened. I just finished reading “What my Bones Know” by Stephanie Foo. One of the most profound and validating experiences on CPTSD I’ve read so far. And now this video, seems we’re all going through a major progression and understanding rn. How beautiful.
17:55 I think it's the most complete summary that can be made of the relationships issues of many of us here, and intersects with delay processing, or with problems accepting our own intuition (it's easy to fall into rationalization and ignore bodily sensations)..
About breaking the cycle, there is a therapy called "modal therapy", which is about identifying modes in your psyche and letting them talk, e.g. your inner hurt child, or your happy child, your healthy adult, your punitive adult and so on. In modal therapy, you sit on chairs, impersonating those modes of yourself. Another way to get that insight, that the repression of anger is passed on to your child, is identifying, that this is what your punitive adult mode or others might've done to the child modes, in a try to protect it from emotional and physical harm. Its really eye opening, im glad you had that realization :)
it can be really hard to find that middleground between over managing your inner childs emotions, therefore repressing them from feeling it and leaving your child on its own, abandoning it. The approach you name, giving it tools it the best and healthiest option in my opinion, i am proud of you that you have come to this conclusion
I'd also love to hear about your relationship to autonomy (havent watched the video fully yet, maybe that is another thing that is also talked about)
Wow…. I need to purge my emotions after this one. Like you, I’m a highly sensitive/empathic person who is also autistic. When you were talking about how children are able to better regulate themselves, as we get older we’re brainwashed to think we have to suppress or not express our emotions because it’s “impolite” or “inappropriate”… which it is in some circumstances, but for males at least, we’re conditioned to believe that “boys don’t cry” etc. and we end up repressing our feelings, bottling them up inside. I’ve been working for the past 6 years, ever since my wife left me, to release all the trauma I’ve accumulated in my 57 plus years of existence.
I also get the feeling from watching your videos that you’re also an empath and are intuitive… you listen to your higher self. Sometimes we block ourselves off from our higher selves when we bottle up our anger and other painful emotions.
Also, after you’ve finished screaming into your pillow and want to go into a meditative calm, check out my piece “Prom Night” on my channel. I also have 1 hour of “green noise” that you can use to block out noise to relax.
I've also found that driving around to scream in my car is the best way to let loose safely. I relate to many of your experiences with somatic self-care and moving through stuck emotions. I commend you on your healing journey!
I’m realizing from your story that rage is underneath some of my autistic meltdowns. If I am at the point of sensory overload and then I get angry and then I get non verbal and then I feel guilty about being angry and then I meltdown and start screaming and swearing into a pillow and pounding on the mattress. When you are watching someone do this just say “let it out, your feelings are valid, don’t be afraid because letting it out is going to help you and it’s not hurting me or anyone else …we can put on headphones if needed”.
I've repressed anger so much for so long that most of my childhood I thought I was immune to this feeling that plagued everyone else. Then, after having two kids out all became too much. Before I learned more about autism I was looking up mom rage. It would come out in small spurts but they were intense. It's gotten a little better over the years but mostly still suppressing. Thank you for the tips on how to channel this in a more healthy way.
for me, my aversion to anger sprouted from the times my dad got violent with me and my brother; i felt i didn't wanto to be like him, so i needed to not be angry and now i'm here, 36 yrs old, and still can't tell if i'm angry or just annoyed or what -_-
thank you for these words; gives me lots to think about (=
I think about this a lot. I feel like in autism, our anger is never valid. Whereas NT people's anger are valid, and it's even encouraged for them. This in itself makes me angry.
cried towards the end of listening to it - I also have endo, got diagnosed last year. I've always been the designated level headed, calm person since I was a kid. The chest exercises you mention are heart openers, those make me cry too. I've been feeling so disconnected lately, this was a much needed reminder - made me think about my observation on how nice people at heavy metal concerts seem to be. This also made me think of when Aang was going through the chakras but he refused to release his attachment to Katara. Wishing you the best on your Saturn return 💜.
I'm sorry that this is a difficult topic for you to share, but I greatly appreciate that you have. Thank you 💙💙
It sounds like you became the diplomat to ease the situation, to be able to see to your own needs.
I think parts of the goal for healthily experiencing anger, can be staying calm like you shared,, in some situations. But also being able to express it, so you can learn where is a good place for you to sit with it. Sometimes it needs to come out, so that you're able to move past it. Sometimes it can also lead to really good things like being able to look for a way to move forwards, understanding each other better, making connections you couldn't see before, from what you've said it could also in some ways be seen as self care and many other things.
A little like when a piece of land is crushed through some kind of destruction, then seeing flowers sprout from it in the middle of all of that destruction.
♋
I think kids don't stop to think about whether what they are going to say or do is appropriate, because they haven't learned the ways of being/ restrictions that adults have. They just feel/do/ say whatever is happening for them in that moment and get it out. There's no malice in it, no motive, other than that's what is happening for them
I have a lot internal anger issues and now I have my autism diagnosis is so crazy knowing that masking has a HUGE part in myself about repressing my emotions and my anxiety and how this clap back bc I feel so resentful about myself not able to standing up for me and my feelings
i dont know what "woowoo stuff" is but spirituality and psychology are interconnected so i hope people can accept that so we can all come into higher awareness
For the past couple weeks, I've been browsing through videos to better myself. This is exactly what I was looking for. I didn't know what I was feeling until I saw the title. Thank you!
Always identified as an angry person and easily moved to tears (for release), still it's a dysfunctional relationship with anger as I struggle with setting boundaries. Super weird to hear people tell me, that they see me as a calm and relaxed person, as I struggeled to stay calm while upset until some years ago which lead to a lot of built up guilt. Maybe that's what I'm suppressing, my calmness and that's why other people see it more than I do.
Very interesting to see the perspective of someone who struggeled to express anger.
I occupied myself with psychosomatics quite a lot when I was younger, so I know chronic pain stems from repressed anger. Psychosomatics also helped me release some of my issues and get to know me better.
Glad you had those realizations!
6 minutes into the video, and I HAVE to say this. The way you get emotional and your voice cracks when you talk about yourself, happens to me the same way. I blamed myself for feeling self-pity and victim- mentality when that happened. But really it's just the pain that I never allowed to be expressed. I find a sister-like image in you and I am eternally grateful for all your information and stories you share. 33 and still can't understand why I'm dysfunctional af, but you help. You help me see why. 🙏🙏🙏
This video really helped put things into perspective for me. When I was angry/frustrated/grumpy as a kid my parents told me I was being a brat, and "nobody likes whiners". Or they'd kind of laugh and poke fun at me, like it was silly because I didn't really have anything to be upset about. My whole life I've thought in the back of my head I must be a bad person because I was such a difficult, sensitive, self-centered kid, whereas my older siblings were so polite and quiet at that age. Now it's clearer for me to see that I wasn't bad, I was just a kid struggling to regulate (especially with sensory issues) and my parents didn't understand how to help me. My siblings were simply able to repress more than I could, which damaged them too. And tbh, I'm really fucking angry at my parents. Part of me hates them, even. Which is hard to admit because I'm still stuck in the old survival mechanism of suppressing my anger and trying to please and defend them so that maybe I'll be safe. It feels good to come full circle and welcome that anger, and begin to let go of this shame around it. As an adult, I can finally create the safety for myself that I was always looking for as a kid.
I'm only two minutes in and I'd like to say that, no matter where this video goes, I am glad that you felt inclined to discuss this and follow your intuition- the way you described your abstract thoughts and difficulty with articulating them really resonated with me. I have that problem too, I need a LOT of rumination time to be able to explain something to someone, even if I understand to begin with... thanks for making me feel like I'm not alone! Thought I was just crazy... I am certainly not built like everyone else around me, neurologically speaking... I am working towards getting a diagnosis right now. But as a mid-20s woman the doctors don't really take me seriously, it's frustrating. Anyways thank you for your perspective.
My brother and father were violent. And my mother threatened to have them have them harm.
And I am so sorry, for what you have been through..
🫂🫂
and yes we are not to be angry when your privacy, your boundaries or belittled, mocked etc.
It’s painful.
As painful as it I am happy for to start your healing at 28 b/c it’s horrible to only recognizing it later in life like me at 44yrs old.
This. Is incredibly helpful!! I didn't even realize I've done this before. I also had a similar mentality taught to me growing up. As the oldest, I always felt like I should've stood up for my siblings more. But it was a similar situation of "you don't get involved unless you want the punishment too". I'm gonna try and implement this more!
this resonates a little too much :,)) really appreciate you putting this into words and knowing I’m not the only one who feels like this
I tell people all the time- anger is a human emotion. It’s ok to express it as long as you do not hurt someone else or yourself. That is when it is toxic. You’re allowed to be angry and you’re allowed to say it. ❤ it’s been a long road for me ❤
If you live with someone who has huge triggers over anger expression this condition is never really cleared. Have to find other outlets.
No one including myself was diagnosed with autism where I grew up in Arkansas. No one had even heard of autism. Anger from males was socially acceptable and even encouraged and I was able to effectively utilize my anger as fuel to achieve goals such as becoming very good at basketball.
Im late diagnosed AuDHD.
I went through the same as I grew up. I was never allowed to express my anger in front of my father. my father used to beat my older brothers up for the things they had done. My mother was not able to protect us. we just had to quietly observe his yelling and beating without saying a single word.
I didn't realize now, through therapy, that I haven't been able to know how to express emotions, and when my emotions came out, it was extreme. Didnt know how to release them.
Thank you for posting this video!!!
It’s so so hard internalizing anger and all the emotions. I’ve messed up so much and hurt so many only now realizing stuff. Thank you for sharing 💞👊🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
Thank you so much for this video. I finally have the missing piece of why I've been so emotionally inhibited. My anger builds up inside and I carry this resentment that i never express. And finally giving myself permission to express it is so freeing. I feel more alive.
You're so beautiful.
Well now that its being mentioned
I suppose i have harbored trust issues with others of my generation. I get that where all not the same but i normally catch myself being extra skeptical and anxious around other "Zoomers" in fear of being ridiculed rejected or betrayed
I am also have issues with anger and dissociation. Emotional bypassing is not an answer.
Thank you so much for discussing this. I really struggle with letting myself feel negative/strong emotions in general and just repress automatically, and in particular whenever ive "given in" to expressions of anger like screaming or hitting pillows ive immediately felt disappointed in myself and essentially scared of myself and my own reaction. It basically reinforced that it "wasnt safe" for me to feel my anger...this video is definitely a wake up call for me....while ive been working on feeling my feelings, true anger has not been on the list.
Oh, goodness, Irene...that's a lot to process and go through.
About five years ago, I had a similar but different experience that unlocked something. On my way to deliver some food, I was feeling some _intense_ self-loathing over a missed social opportunity when suddenly...I switched positions. I was on the receiving end of the anger. I kept crying and had much difficulty stopping crying between the two deliveries I had.
I was unfortunately no stranger to angry outbursts towards others when dysregulated (still happens at times, but I've seen so much progress in myself), and I could see how it ended up hurting them. I had no idea just how much damage I was doing to myself internalizing my anger...much less how much of my anger was internalized from the traumas I endured or caused.
I'm so glad for you that you're growing and learning in this way. Grateful as always for what you've shared.
EDIT: Rage rooms are also a thing! They're spaces you rent out to break things in with safety equipment on. I haven't been to one yet, but I really want to someday.
EDIT #2: Okay so I clearly didn't watch far enough into the video before putting the first edit 😂
I think I've been trying to put this into words for months now. It's also really hard to look at something that kept you alive but now is hurting you and shift
Stream of consciousness here: I've always been the least regulated person in my home environment, and extremely well regulated in public. I'm extremely good at not expressing anger to anyone present, but I cause my family a fair bit of stress with outbursts at objects, at politics, etc. I also swear like a sailor on the road. I was always the scrawny kid at school, so I almost never express anger other than vocally (I used to get into fisticuffs with my little brother, but eventually he got too good at defending himself). My parents were always very disciplined about physical discipline, any spankings with any kind of force were limited to a pre-announced number of blows and were done bare-handed (so limited in force by the pain tolerance of the parent involved), so we weren't taught to associate anger with impulsive violence.
at 25 i got an advise from a therapist to express my anger, 3 years later and i still need to make a conscious decision to say ok here i will express my anger and yell back, it is still not natural for me to express anger and have to do it consciously every time. but it does feel better and i am so much more happier after a conflict and honestly proud of myself.
TY for many relevant thoughts. These are important things we gotta be thinking about before we become parents. It is much harder to work through trauma once babies arrive on the scene. I find my biggest struggle I had as a parent came from having to regulate my own emotions when my child exploded with anger out in public. I have developed my own strategies throughout my life for surviving public outings. And I never even considered a plan for when I had kids.
Once in a high school class we were asked to confess things and for some reason i decided to confess that i feel really angry very often but i keep it bottled in and my teacher told me that wasnt healthy and that i should basically get help (not his exact words). I remembered mulling over that for so many years, not because i agreed at the time but because i felt so much shame in that anger. I grew up with both my brother and father displaying their anger in ways that hurt everyone, similarly to how youve explained youre home life. I never realized how badly it affected how i viewed anger until hearing your thoughts.
Halfway through, I’ve realized I’ve always played contact sports and the times I’ve felt the lowest, like now, is when I have no physical outlet…you’re making me realize I was probably working through anger, stress, grief. I’ve actually used sports to get through my hardest times. The only time I’m yelling and pushing the energy through my body.
it's crazy how relatable this new video is. I also realised recently I've been repressing my anger, espcially due to how I was raised and how I had to be the one basically taking care of everyone's needs and emotions, but I'm still not sure how to actually allow myself to feel anger especially because I'm afraid that will escalate situations just by allowing myself to feel such.
The odd part for me, is that there's been a couple times when I got told I was too angryl on the few moments I couldn't take it anymore and tried to demand people to respect my boundaries or tell them they need to respect me. However I think this is comom for those who were parentified because people are so used to us being submissive and allowing things most wouldn't that when we tell people that it's not ok and show disaproval they get incredible upset and frustrated with us. I think this might be because people are used to release their frustrations and anger on us because they know we allow a lot and there won't be consequences. Basically people didn't allow us to feel anger when we were growing up and we ended up not allowing us to do such.
Literally pausing the video to write this. Been realizing within the past year I'm prob audhd, and recently had a horrible week where I was regressed most days and so, so angry at everything! I resonated so hard with what you just said about holding in your anger and not taking it out on others, but then you suffer silently. I feel I've done that my whole life and so when I was feeling that anger recently it was so loud and violent I didn't know how to deal with it other than scream as loud as I could into a pillow. It was a me who I haven't seen before, and it scared me. I feel like I've somehow lost a connection to my anger, as well as other aspects of my being (my body, my voice) due to masking my whole life. I'll be continuing my healing journey, and thank you for making your videos, they've really helped me learn about my own autism and mental health.
I find most subjects are merely an association of parts that are interlinked in ways that most have no idea about.
anger and i have always had a complicated relationship. the part you brought up about not wanting to hurt others like you've been hurt has been my mantra for anger for years. add that to the fact i felt i couldn't express my anger lest it make my already abusive situation worse, and i'm stuck at this point where whenever i do get angry, i don't know what to do with it. i've taken it out on myself, but i could never stand the thought of taking it out on someone else.
from what i've seen growing up, anger came with violent screaming and sometimes with actual violence. i never wanted to become that so i just... stopped. after working through my trauma in emdr, i'm still left with this not knowing of how to handle my anger now that i'm actually feeling it again. my boyfriend says that screaming can get your point across, but when i'm near anyone who is screaming or yelling i get really triggered and shut down. it scares me because i know it isn't good for me, that it's not healthy. but it just gets too hard to overcome that line i've firmly put in the sand that it feels as if i have no other choice.
sorry if this reads weird
My anger is a quiet disquietude. I mostly seethe in a silent anger. In some cases, my silence was the loudest scream. It would make some people change for the better. Other times, it was like expecting the other person to drink poison. People can make you mad because they are stubborn and stuck in their ways. Perfectionists and know-it-alls bother me, for example. There were many situations when I wanted to not repress my anger, but I stayed neutral or stoic. I thought it better to keep the peace, even when I wasn't at peace. I have rare moments when I speak my mind and exactly get to the point, making sure I'm understood and respected.
I always remind myself that people like that are not worth the heart attack. Surround yourself with people, places, and things that don't remind you of or give you anger.
Sometimes, you can't avoid people that make you angry. Remember, they don't dictate your day or happiness. You choose that for yourself.
Do your best, come home, and move forward.
Let them be right (even when they are wrong) and be happy.
I don't always re-wild myself, but I keep my younger days of flailing, running, and being goofy close to my heart. I also avoid toxic positivity.
Another way I express my anger is by turning it into something productive. My work speaks for itself and I'll never have to yell because of it.
Thank you so much for making this video. Myself and many of my loved ones are neurodivergent and have CPTSD and consequently have a really messed up relationship with anger - whether from repressing it constantly or repressing it and then boiling over and expressing it in unhealthy ways. This has been really helpful and validating. I actually sent it to all my roommates after i got about 20 minutes in. Thanks for being so open and vulnerable and being willing to speak on this earlier than was most comfortable for you. I think this is really something many of us deal with and need to hear. Thank you so much. You're lovely, and I appreciate you. 🖤
TLDR: thank you for sharing, I really is appreciated 💛🙏🏾, you don’t have to read everything I wrote, I’m sorry it was so long 😭
Firstly, I just wanna say, I’m sorry you suffered like that as a kid. I can relate to many things you said, I too, was always concerned with being the anchor and feeling like I help the situation from getting out of control by not expressing my anger. I too, intellectualized what I was feeling, and I was constantly being overly considerate of others because I didn’t wanna feel like I’m a bad person.
But, I hate how that always left me so miserable inside. I was bullied as kid, I was abused as kid, I was sexually abused by my sister as kid, at first I thought it was ok as long as it was me who suffered, but I also noticed how easy of a target I was. What made me change tactics was seeing how vulnerable I made things that I cared about, and I also feared that I should never be with a girlfriend because I wasn’t able to protect her, and on top of it all, I have a very manipulative mother who exploits somebody who’s considerate of her.
So I decided to stop intellectualizing my feelings, I stopped wanting to be the anchor. I was sick and tired of being bullied, I didn’t like putting the things I cared about at risk, and I wanted to protect the girl that chose to have feelings for me. I got into a lot of trouble when I decided to be defiant, and funny enough, I’m somebody who felt unintimidating, even at 6’5”, but people started claiming I’m so scary and I should be ganged up on. But what I’m happy about most of all, is being able to regulate the emotions going on in my body, and knowing that I’m allowed to be cathartic in my music-listening sessions without feeling like I’m choosing to be angry at my music instead of people.
I’ve helped out a lot of other people, in a way that I didn’t expect, and I promote healthy circles around me, which makes me feel so proud, because nobody deserves to be bullied or put down or never be heard, we all matter equally.
I am feeling so much clarity right in this second. I am so tired of internalizing other people’s anger and sadness. And being so repressed. I want out! At least I want to declare right now that I am done repressing myself in fa,ily situations and otherwise. In this moment of clarity I am no longer embarrassed or afraid to declare how mistreated and unsupported I have been. , without being afraid of people thinking that I am crazy or that there is something wrong with me. Because there is not anything wrong with me….. unless we are going to make a list of everything wrong with every single person on this planet. But I don’t think like that. N.
Be strong Irene. The first Saturn return is absolutely harsh but you can do it.
Thank you for bringing up this topic! I can relate so so much. I wasn’t allowed to show anger during my childhood, it was always dismissed as irrelevant and „improper” emotion. Also 2nd thank you for the greatest possible follow up after my today’s discussion with the therapist ❤