I’m still untying the knots in my mind, as I was raised by and then entered a marriage with one at age 16. With each Dr. R video I watch, I swear I can feel those “knots” untying, as things slowly begin to make sense. I am learning to see things clearly and to trust myself. Glad to hear that others are experiencing healing as well! 🖤☮️
Yes it feels so personal that it used to play in my mind over and over again.Now I have learnt to not take it personally and I love the way you have so clearly help me understand the difference between the two .Thank you
TRUST is like a crystal glass that once it's broken its hard to put the pieces back together and when you try to fix them, you might get puncture and get hurt. The crystal glass would never be the same no matter what. That is why it's important to apply wisdom when dealing with our partners and i believe smartness is essential in any relationship. I got help from (cybertech-tracker) as he helped cloned my cheating husband's phone and I got access to all his phone Call logs, Text messages, Facebook, Instagram, Whats-app, Skype, Kik, Twitter, Snap-chat, Email, i-Cloud, GPS location and Social media chats (both Old and New) without touching his phone. My husband was a cheating Narcissist but I'm glad to uncover his deceits, secrets and Infidelity. All I did was share my husband’s phone number with (cybertech-tracker) and i was able to read his recent and deleted messages from my phone without laying my hands on his phone and he has no idea his phone has been cloned. I was hurt when i saw a picture of my husband and his lover kissing, i felt so bad about infidelity. I’m here in Texas, USA and was able to access his phone while he was away cheating in the UK and saw all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned. He also does hacking of account or any other type of hacking, background check up and retrieval of data. His services are trusted and guaranteed and also affordable. Contact this great hacker via Gmail (cybertechtracker) or text him directly on his phone and via Whats-app : +1 (202) 697-7171. I hope you find peace of mind just like myself after discovering the truth.
Is very frustrating that we may find some bad psychologists when we want to talk about a narcissistic person in our life, cause some psychologists are not prepared to talk about this subject and I have encountered a few that didn't even recognized that my narcissistic mother is a narcissist and they kept telling me to try to talk to her ,to tell her how I feel ,that this could change something. 😤😤
Thanks for sharing the terrific insights and examples, Dr. Ramani. Shouldn't the title be "Personalizing a narcs behavior Vs. not taking it personally?" I had a relationship with a BPD / NPD and at parties the fragility would come out and often it was taken out on me, cutting me off in mid sentence and invalidation. Decided early on not to attend any parties due to this occurring, at the time, didn't understand it but knew it was abusive. Ended the relationship after suffering for 2 years. I'm better off without all the antics.
The narcissist personalises their insults and general verbal abuse illustrated by their tailor made put downs, just for you. They study you to see what your triggers are, what your weak points are, in this way it is personal and needs to be otherwise they don’t get the reaction they so desperately want. But, their intent to abuse is general, not personal. It could be you, it could be someone else, as long as it’s somebody.
Doctor Ramani, please advise on how to cope with a narcissist at a non profit organization? It's more difficult to leave because this place is very special, not an average workplace. It feels more like a family. One-two people can ruin everybody's mood, years of work, etc Please help!
My MOTHER was such a mind messing abusive NARCISSIST she would cater to everyone individually in the way it took for her to CONTROL THEM! BUT she was so slick about it she would pass ALL judgement to THEM and always seem "Sparkly CLEAN" at the end AND VICTIMIZED! WHEN you could pin-point the attack and trace it back TO HER she would CALL THE COPS ON YOU! She would smile at YOU, leave the HOUSE call another CHILD and have THEM come FUCKIN HIT YOU! She was SO EVIL! You could be laying BLOODY because you fell off a HORSE she would have ANOTHER KID take you to the hospital! IT WAS HER DAY OFF! That other kid had OTHER PLANS but instead of EVER getting mad AT HER they were MAD AT YOU! MY GOD she was SO EVIL SO WICKED AND AWFUL! HOW do you NOT take that personally! Your getting the SHIT KICKED OUT OF YOU because of her SHIT! ? ITS PERSONAL! AND YOU NEED TO LEAVE!
Dr Ramani, need to know how to deal with the narcissist 's false accusations that he is spreading to ppl about myself and my family. Do I meet with these ppl he has lied to and show my evidence that I have or do I just walk away and ppl believe I am the evil one. He is charismatic and a highly functional meth user PLEASE do a video clip if u can, thank you
When they love you, it's NOT about you. When they hate you....STILL not about you! Be it negative or positive, narcissists will NEVER feel an emotion towards somebody unless it was for their own selfish gain. It was never about you and it never will be. A painful, but freeing realization.
Me growing up I was the invisible child, so I shut down and never felt any emotion towards my family and still dont. And my mom not too long ago called me a narcissist. I looked it up and found out she is the narcissist. I probably picked up some traits but I pray to god I end up nothing like her 🙏
Joseph Teamwork hi, maybe you picked up some dysfunctional patterns/behaviour. For example if she screamed at you when you were a child that was an abuse. If you reproduce that form of abuse with your own children that’s because it’s the only thing you were used to, the only thing you’ve always known. But when you watch your own child suffer a lot because of your screaming, then YOU HAVE THE CHOICE, and because you have EMPATHY and you LOVE your child, you won’t scream at him anymore. Narcs have always had the choice. But they are so broken inside that they function destroying the others, children included. You learned those behaviours because they were the only ones you were exposed to. But if you have empathy in your heart and freedom of choice in your mind, then you can break the chain.
Joseph Teamwork In my relationship with a narc I soon figured out that every time he called me names he was actually describing himself. I eventually shut down all emotion towards him and many people in general, it was the only was to keep my sanity. Same thing I did with my family years ago. It’s hard not to replicate some of their behaviors when that’s all you have ever known. Still working on it 😐
Agree. Their version of love is not like mine. I accept their passion, affection, even admiration as their form of love. But, really it's not empathic love. Not losing any sleep over me.
They blame you constantly. It's like you can do nothing right no matter how hard you try. And if they sometimes do say something good it's like they are doing you a favor
'Intermittant reinforcement' -yes, like they're 'let' you have that compliment as long as they still perceive they are still in control over it all! delusional!
@@annwe6 took quite a while for me to get that point, but yes, you're right about that self hatred. My ex kept (and keeps) insisting I had attacked her for stuff that didn't even bother me. Like _at all_ . Had I had the thought and just suppressed saying out loud it might have been mind reading - didn't even _think_ what she claims I had been rude about. At that time I thought it's reproachful. Nowadays I pity her for that as she cannot even get rid of this unfair attacker. Because it's in her own mind which she'll be with probably for the rest of her life. And maybe she doesn't even know and keeps wondering why people are mad at her all the time.
Sohini; they blame you for everything because they get sadistic supply from it. Making you happy and praising you does not give them supply. Also, they cannot blame themselves for anything because it would be incriminating. They enjoy your misery and you're stress and they will literally manufacture problems to create drama and chaos. Narcissus are sadistic predators.
Yes that's true. Some narcissists target people without even acknowledging their humanity. They assign the characteristics they want their targets to have and then punish them if they step out of character or act in any way as individuals with autonomy or agency separate from the narcissist.
I can be personal but only if we take it that way. I don't think my narc has the INTERPERSONAL CAPACITY to predict how people interpret what she says. I don't think she cares whether what she says is taken personally. I think she just sees her emotional abuse as simply another button to press. She will keep pressing the button if I show it has an effect.
@@benharris8903 They just want to make you "dance"-- they would prefer admiration from you, but if they can't get that, any kind of big emotional reaction from you is narcissistic supply... I know you probably already know this, but it took me a while to figure out with mine :)
SO true! - The traffic light didn't turn red because of you. - The rude person who stepped on your foot by mistake in a store and didn't apologise didn't do that BECAUSE of you. Those things would happen no matter who was there, whether you or someone else, or no one at all. Same with the narc - if it's not directed at you, it'll just be aimed at someone else (and eventually will be), as it exists constantly inside THEM. (Although, with the "ugly martian" example, I WOULD feel a bit inferior! lol. I'd logically know the person was mentally ill and saying delusional things to random people, BUT my insecure side of me would deep down wonder if he chose ME to yell at because I, out of all the other people around, really am ugly!)
There only around before i get paid. The weeks when I'm out of money there not doing shit and shouting at me any little excuse they can find to feed their egos. It's not as easy as it looks to leave them. They can always pull the disabled card and make you feel guilty or follow you like a P.O officer just to make sure your not cheating. They always have a trick up their sleeve and the only way out is suicide or to wait till they pass away. It's like a prison sentence.
My father was a narcissist and he made me ill with anxiety and depression. I wasn't old enough to do anything but take it personally. I'm now a much older adult and your advice is useful going forward in my life.
Yes, they treat everyone the same way eventually. Some lessons learned from my experience are: 1) If they're toxic to others they will at some point be toxic to me, and 2) if they're toxic to me they will at some point be toxic to others. No one is immune and it's not about you!
TRUST is like a crystal glass that once it's broken its hard to put the pieces back together and when you try to fix them, you might get puncture and get hurt. The crystal glass would never be the same no matter what. That is why it's important to apply wisdom when dealing with our partners and i believe smartness is essential in any relationship. I got help from (cybertech-tracker) as he helped cloned my cheating husband's phone and I got access to all his phone Call logs, Text messages, Facebook, Instagram, Whats-app, Skype, Kik, Twitter, Snap-chat, Email, i-Cloud, GPS location and Social media chats (both Old and New) without touching his phone. My husband was a cheating Narcissist but I'm glad to uncover his deceits, secrets and Infidelity. All I did was share my husband’s phone number with (cybertech-tracker) and i was able to read his recent and deleted messages from my phone without laying my hands on his phone and he has no idea his phone has been cloned. I was hurt when i saw a picture of my husband and his lover kissing, i felt so bad about infidelity. I’m here in Texas, USA and was able to access his phone while he was away cheating in the UK and saw all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned. He also does hacking of account or any other type of hacking, background check up and retrieval of data. His services are trusted and guaranteed and also affordable. Contact this great hacker via Gmail (cybertechtracker) or text him directly on his phone and via Whats-app : +1 (202) 697-7171. I hope you find peace of mind just like myself after discovering the truth.
So true. My X's mother is a narc and now she is in her last chapter, alone with Alzheimer's. X is on his way, burning every bridge because of his inability to be genuinely kind and HUMAN.
They treat those they deem beneath them the same way. The only people they feign respect for have monetary power over them. Crazy that they treat their SO the absolute worst. This dude acts like a f-ing zoo animal when we’re alone stomping around, slamming cabinets and slurping his drinks. I immediately leave the room at the first sign of his imminent temper tantrum but now he’s playing the victim because it’s obvious I’m avoiding him on purpose. Dumb ape should ask himself WHY I find his presence so abhorrent. Not that he has the capacity for any self-reflection. Beyond frustrating… cannot wait to be totally free. Every damn day I contemplate just leaving most of my stuff at his stupid houses and driving far away. Why do they love these stupid love bombing-discarding and everything in between cycles? It’s f-ing boring to watch someone self-destruct and not even realize they’re burning their last bridge.
AGAIN, thank you. This was very helpful. I am a 48yr old daughter of a narcissistic mother, and physically abusive father. NONE of the previous therapists I have seen ever came close to helping as much as you have in just the 5 or 6 videos I have watched thus far. THANK YOU.
I too am learning soooo much from Dr. Ramani; I check for new videos every day and re-visit several many times over and over - I even type bits I've learned into my cell 'notes' so I can quickly remind myself when I am out and about and need to soothe myself from my narcissist sister.
My friend is so intrigued by these videos and she hasn't been in a relationship with a narcissist. Usually people don't care and don't get it😆 No Contact! Don't ever reach out to them or anybody who treats you wrong!
@@user-xc5bz3np4g You are spot on. They either listen or look at you with bewilderment on their faces. The look says ' you are being too petty'. It's only when they are on the other side that they acknowledge the madness
Only once, I was in a non-live-in relationship for about a year and it was a relatively mild situation. Because of the degree to which this relationship messed up my life, even being a one-time-only mild situation, I became more interested in the topic of narcissism. If that did that to me, I can only imagine what others who are knee deep or neck high into this are suffering. So I want to know more, to help others, to prevent this happening to me again.
I realize, as memories come flooding back..my mother was a Narcissist. When I was little, I would ask her if a friend could sleep over. She would 't say yes or no..she would say. "I don't care"..what kind of answer was that? I was10. After that, I would write her any request, and put Yes or No for her to circle !! Crazy times !
Tech, hang in there. You’re in a shocked sort of stage. Do the things you were doing for the relationship for YOU now. That and no contact will get you to an empowered stage. Hearing about them or watching on social media will set you back. I found aerobic exercise to be of immense help. Keep being your loving self- that is important. Wishing you 💜 and strength 💪🏼
Took me 2yrs and lots of tears to finally step back and observe how they treat everyone that way i just got the worst behind closed doors very damaged people
@@miraclesforus2 interesting point. I am still healing from my relationship with a narc. My brother recommended a book, "People of the Lie" by M. Scott Peck. He says it connects evil with narcissism. Ordered it on Amazon..
@@me9411 If it helps ... I think if you feel the right motivation, you can find the way. I got lucky, and my narc was sent away to go though a treatment program. If that hadn't happened, she would have keep manipulating things to keep herself in my life. Away from our family, I was able to re-establish myself and my family, without her. But that didn't happen until we had peace. That first moment that I felt the peace, and knew it was because she was gone, that was the moment when I realized that nothing was going to stop me from separating from her. From that moment, every step I took was put in context of keeping that peace. I hope this helps you.
The analogy of the homeless mentally ill person was really helpful. Narcs are mentally ill and toxic. To be pitied and avoided at the same time. Next time one of my narcs tries to be abusive, I'll picture them as homeless and pushing a pram around with all of their worldly belongings! It's not that I don't have compassion for those less fortunate, but it sure helps put the narc's unbalanced mindset into perspective.
Me to my husband who is not at all available: “I don’t need a dog for company, I need a person” My husband blowing up: “you called me shitty dog” Me: “I didn’t, i said that I do not need a dog for company, I need a husband who is available” Him screaming like a crazy: “you called me shitty dog” Me: “no I didn’t! Don’t put in my mouth stuff I didn’t say!!” Him: “you are mad and you can’t even remember what you say” The gaslighting is 100% and he uses it every time I call him out on his actions. I can also not take it personally but he screams and yells at me until I give up and agree with what he says or wants in order to get some peace. This is not life.
@@azsuehayes TRY to tell yourself you can't fix them. Or at least, tell any attempts to take towards fixing them to a third party, word for word, who will tell you you spoke with clarity and didn't seem crazy. If you're like me, over time you'll realize you've said everything that could possibly be said, but you can't help someone who isn't even willing to listen.
Love that the doc said "dude" 😂🤣 Love this point. They ARE like this to their core. We just get too close to them so we get devalued. But it would happen to anyone who is close. Anyone. And it does.
I think narcissists devalue closeness in part due to the fact that it results in a sort-of expectation of reciprocity, and narcissists tend to avoid accountability or just being inconvenienced with matters of the heart. But also, closeness is something narcissists may associate with their own past trauma at some deep level, and narcissists also avoid deep self-reflection or reminders of times they were powerless. I've tried pushing narcissists in my past into self-reflection, and all it did was make them angry. Ironic, how a narcissist's behaviors are never about you, but when you push the point of making it about them in the way I just mentioned above, they are immediately irritatated. They want control of all narratives but without the responsibility. Their own narrative, and yours, and everyone's.
@@chriswyma145 they know they want to cause you harm however!! They feed on pain. At least my mother! but she's psychopathic too, a very evil one. They DO know which way is up in my experience.
@@danielkaiser8971 my narc ex was introspective and reflective. We prayed, read, and reflected on the Bible everyday together. Because of it, I honestly felt he was becoming more gentle towards me and starting to feel guilty lol. He told me days before we broke up, " I feel selfish being loved by you." "I don't deserve you, you deserve the best." "I love you and I would feel guilty if I just wasted your time" "I'm a narcissist, a coward, lazy, egotistical" "Maybe I'm not yet ready for a relationship" "I say I'm a Christian but I don't live like one." at first, I was hurt when he told me this because it felt like he was pushing me away/discarding me. I asked him if he wanted to breakup and he said he didn't to. But I had already saw red flags in the first month and he had emotionally abused me. He apologized and did some changes but he could not sustain it. So I prayed for God to give me a sign and courage to break up. Next day, my ex said something insulting that I cannot tolerate. This was the sign. So I finally said goodbye. He hoovered me, begged, but I never responded to anything. I slammed the door completely shut. I truly am grateful to God for sparing me and educating me about toxic people
I do not know if you will ever read this , but I want to thank you so much for the content that you put out. I grew up in foster care and I have such a hard time reading people because the examples of what I had growing up were horrible. I suffered horrible abuse and had pathological caregivers and caregivers that didn’t care to interact with me, so I never really got to understand people or understand the nuances of people. Thus, I attract very toxic people into my life. I have always had some sort of a gut instinct that some about certain relationships were off; but, I was never courageous enough to walk away from some of them. I finally got to the point where I was really frustrated with this marriage that I am in. She has a borderline personality with narcissistic tendencies, she constantly gaslights me, constantly questions my interpretations of everything so whenever I would say anything or make any kind of observation, to her I was always wrong, and she would use guilt and shaming quite a bit. She has children so she would use them against me; so, I am up against a lot. All the things that you are laying out, I am seeing. Pretty much every single thing that I have watched from you has been spot on, as far as your descriptors and scenarios. I am learning a lot of strategies by listening to you and I am taking notes and working with my therapist to help me shape the relationship part of my brain that was nonexistent. Also, I am learning strategies to not personalize everything, validate myself and my own feelings, not overthink everything, acknowledge my reality and emotions, and not get so defensive immediately, stay calm while standing my ground. In my lifetime, it’s either been fight or flight or logic. Someone, years ago, accused me of being, or trying to say that I was autistic or had Aspergers - and said it as an off-hand insulting manner. I took that as insulting because it is insulting to people who actually have those conditions. That person said tried to diagnose me with that because I am very logical. People who have grown up the way I have tend to make sense of the chaos by organizing their lives very meticulously. I also found athletics, by way of soccer and working out at the gym five days a week and playing soccer seven days a week, with academics to be a really good outlets for me. I am really good at writing and writing a fiction book and a book of poetry’s, I have two Master’s Degrees and a Masters of business administration, and I’m working on my doctorate. I have a hard time with relationships and I take a lot of abuse from people because I do not have good expectations and I do not establish my personal expectations or boundaries; however through your channel and materials, I am learning a lot. I was diagnosed with reactive attachment disorder because of my foster care upbringing, so the relationship part of my brain is very underdeveloped; but, it’s rapidly getting better because I’m starting to challenge myself and my therapist has really given me a lot of therapeutic strategies through CBT and I found you to really give me a myriad of others tools to use. Thank you so much for what you are doing, it’s amazing and truly life-changing! I wish I could give you a hug… and as I just said wrote this I got a little shaky and I teared up.
You really are an excellent writer -- and more. From a very difficult early childhood, you've managed to grow and heal, largely by "pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps." That's remarkable. I know you would say that there have been people -- like your therapist and Dr. Ramani -- who have helped you along the way, but you're the person who availed yourself of that help. Wishing you all the best in your career and in your personal life as you move onward and upward.
Gutierrez Rey - What an amazing personal story!! You have so much to proud of and so much to share with the world. I, for one, am cheering for you! My younger brother chose a very long career path, lots of schooling, so he was feeling down about finding a mate "in time" and having someone to share his life with. He was spending time he didn't have going to parties, etc. trying to find that person. It wasn't until he relaxed, stopped "searching" and let his passion for what he was studying guide him that his wife wandered into his life.
I am sorry you went through this during your upbringing. I hear so much "hope" in what you are doing to better yourself as a person, and commend you for doing so! Keep progressing towards healing yourself. Many of us have some form of abuse/trauma in our past, some worse than others, but no less significant either way; it sounds like you are on the right path! Bless you and all others who are trying to heal from the trauma. It can be a long journey, but one foot in front of the other....
As a healthcare professional I have worked with many folks with all sorts of mental illnesses and dementia. You get treated pretty rough at times but I never felt it was personal at all. I knew they were prob not like that before they became older or got sick etc so I get what your saying. However as a scapegoated child turned grown woman my narc mother makes me feel about as big as a dust mite with one look. Its really difficult for me to not take what she says to heart. I am learning and will eventually heal. Thanks for all your doing for this community.
You may benefit by mothering yourself as an adult the way you didn't have in earlier years. In time, it will help you redirect the subconscious expectation of being mothered from your actual mother to yourself where you are in charge of the health of your inner child as if she were separate and you are the adult in charge of her life the right way.
Yes, but when we are having a bad day, we may take something personal we may not ,when all is okay (we are human too). So this makes our job especially hard (and any customer service job). Also, some people are nasty all their lives; we can't chalk everything to dementia and old age. Look at a lifelong criminals who simply gets old, for example.
@@danielkaiser8971 but I never had kids bc I saw how my mother and grandmothers made their children feel . Actually, parents and their parents, not just mothers. We pattern ourselves after our parents, how the hell am I supposed be a good mother to myself, when I knew I could never be a good mother to a child. I have no idea what that would even look like. I'm not saying your plan isn't a good one, I just wouldn't even know where to begin. (Sorry , my brain just exploded at the thought of this)
@@lile8602 I would guess you might be able to figure out what being a good parent is by observing good parents around you, as well as learning about what abuse is and knowing good parenting does not include the abuse you've learned about. It's a long process because so much of being abused is part of what we know and must unlearn, but the more you heal from toxic abuse, the more intolerable it is to be around toxic people. This can include realizing you have some toxic behaviors that you don't want to express to others and it can feel like self-hatred or cause guilt. But part of the healing process is understanding this is an echo of having been abused for so long, it is not who you really are deep down, that other survivors of abuse understand because it's the same for them, and it is also the opportunity to learn how to be kind and gentle to yourself now and always through healing for the rest of your life. Anything at all that you can do in a healthy manner which helps your healing, those things are examples of what a healthy parent would do, and therefore are also examples of being a parent to yourself. I'm not a professional, but I have told you what has worked well for me. I wish you well.
@@danielkaiser8971 that is really great advice. Reading kind of made me think "duh". I know that is not how you meant it, that just my self affirmation techniques kicking in. I have a LONG way to go. What you've generously shared is being taken to heart. I really appreciate it. Thank you.
Lady... I can't tell you how much I value these videos. You've saved me.. I was shriving up. I was soooo confused and sad. And now I know what's real, I've cultivated my support system and I'm working my way out. It's not over, but I have more hope than ever and more clarity. THANK YOU!!!
It's hard not to take it personal if you have invested so much feelings time and energy in these relationships and then have to take it all back to rescue yourself.
True...but like Dr Ramani says, they are a black hole. Best to shine a light on the truth so you don’t waste anymore time ♥️ they will forever be an unfinished project. It’s a parasitic relationship.
Trigger...Back when I was engaged to my narcissist, he wanted to go to a hotel in Death Valley that had been in a novel that he had read. We flew by plane, we travelled by Jeep. We arrived in Death Valley with only one night left in our trip. I had hoped this trip would be a chance for the two of us to spend quality time together, explore the desert and listen to the wolves howl. Instead he spent the time on the phone to his business partner and the one night we had at this hotel, he took off before dinner and left me alone in the hotel room. I thought he went for ice. He didn't come back. Hotel staff didn't know what had happened to him and were on alert. We contemplated calling the police if he didn't come back by morning. Finally at 4am he came back, woke me up with lights, ignored my tear-stained face and soaked pillow, and exclaimed "I had such a great time! I went out and wandered in the desert. I crouched under the moon and listened to the wolves howl!" He was so excited that he ignored the fact that the hotel staff and I had been worried sick about him. When we had lunch at the local diner the next day on our way out, I expressed my sadness that we'd only had the one night there, and that I'd wanted so much to explore the night desert with him. He exploded, making the other patrons of the diner stare at him, "How can you say that? *How dare you say you don't want to be here?* How dare you be so ungrateful for the trip I've given you?" I tried to get him to hear what I was saying; that I was grateful for the trip and wished I could have spent quality time with him on it doing the things we had talked about, but he kept on yelling how I didn't want to be there while the other patrons of the diner stared at him and gave me pitying glances. He never heard me. He never heard anyone, in fact, so I don't take this personally.
I’m sorry that happened to you. These videos do help. We are not alone. Now we know better. There are good people out there. We are worth so much more.
Remembering this is going to be easy for me, it really is an important distinction. My narcissist CONSTANTLY tears down people she sees, even if they're just walking past the window, "Oh, they're addicted to drugs", "Oh, they're fat", "Oh, they're a bad parent" even when she says things about me like; I'm lazy, I'm useless, I couldnt cope without her it's so easy for me to see that's these are all HER insecurities, especially with the help of your videos Dr Ramani! Anytime a narcissist does anything; it's always about THEM (in their perspectives) keep up the great work Dr, this information and the insights you share are going to help so many people🥰🥰🥰
My mom's favorite thing to say when I would call her out would be "get over it". Cut her off completely last month after realizing how much of a narc she is
I cut her off over a year ago and when I look at the mirror and I see myself, I like the little child, the little me reflected and I feel a bit of love for myself. If I had to listen to her I would be “useless, ugly, stupid, a bad mother etc” and btw if she died I would feel so much better. I am not even guilty for saying that. There’s no better way than NO contact
Many years ago I was severely and shockingly gaslit by a good friend (expert covert narc) of 10 years while on vacation with a large group of friends. It was so painful and had a profound impact on my life. I spent alot of time and money on therapy to understand her behavior as well as my own behavior. I wish this information was available back then! There were several indicators leading up to to it that made me very uncomfortable. I had noticed years before was her micro expressions. upon telling her good or bad news. I'm a fairly private and modest person. Once I had shared some exciting news (I learned that a serious illness was a misdiagnosis). I caught her split second immediate reaction and it was disappointment. Another instance was I had a minor car accident, upon seeing the car damage, her split second immediate reaction was a smile. Are micro expressions a thing?
hey there, I would say that micro expressions are a thing and vanish fast if they catch themselves at it. I also had a car accident that I told my narc sister about, and she smiled! Then quickly stopped, and said, "Well, at least you weren't hurt, but you don't have collision insurance on your policy, so that's going to be one expensive repair." She likes it when I have trouble of any kind!
I believe micro expression is gods gift to us to start seeing through their terror. They give themselves away in the same way that they look for good people to use and abuse. They watch for our empathy and loving ways by watching our body expressions. What I have found though is that they can not read micro expressions like in the eyes and energy people give off. They have tried to gaslight me into thinking that can't happen, but it does because I can do it. This scares them. Keep reading micro expressions and every other signal they give off to avoid them if possible.
I’ve caught my narc give me evil glances. It’s almost as if they’re demon possessed and, every now and then, the demon can’t help but relish whether accidentally seen or not.
I'm the live in caregiver for my 93 year old narcissist grandmother. She makes sure she makes it personal when she verbally attacks me. The most painful thing she's ever said to me is "you're the worst thing God ever made". I'm not financially able to move or live on my own or I would have left a long time ago. My other family members are severely narcissistic as well so there is no one to help me. It's like a generational curse with these people. My Grandmother is proof narcissist never improve over time, they only become more venomous. 🐍 If I could tell my younger self anything, it would be RUN as fast and far away from narcissist people as you can. Don't get sucked into their life destroying quicksand!
As Dr. Ramani says around the 11.20 mark "Find a way to stay sane.." I've begun listening to music that helps cheer up the atmosphere. Going physically away, even inside the house- just stepping into another room for a few moments to breathe, sometimes just lying down for a few minutes... And then because one has to return, assuming the role of a warrior in a tough posting. Guard your heart Find out what that means for you Its tough when you may not have a confidante, to relapse into sharing a vital part of your soul with a person who doesn't cherish the intimacy. Hopefully you know that you matter to your Creator And are never forgotten You have impacted my life, by articulating so well.. You write beautifully...
Thank you Dr. Ramani! Can you do a video on "Appropriate Reactions To Narcissist Enablers" to give scapegoats an idea of how to deal not only with narcissistic abusers, but also those who enable and create the very situations for the abuse to occur? This would be VERY HELPFUL. Thanks in advance!
@@RavenStealstheNight Thank you! I agree and hope to be able to learn more. My mom is a huge enabler and I have grown to not trust her as she almost always sides with my abusive dad, even to the point of ignoring me completely and my family (her grandchildren). I always try to ensure that I am forgiving them, but want to be wise when dealing with them, if that makes sense.
I too would find this REALLY helpful, I had to put the phone down yesterday on a friend who just did not get it , they were saying 'hmmm I am not sure its really like that' .... I tried to keep calm but had no real comeback and ended up just not being able to verbalise what I needed to for them to understand it really 'was like that' Nobody again will make me doubt my reality ... I have zero time for nonsense in my life after years with somebody who at the end of the day was full of only nonsense!
“Do not take it personally.” Noted. I have learned to not hate my narcissist, but to be indifferent. As in, “no hate, just caution.” I do not hate you, but I have to live without you. Is it painful? Yes, but it has to be done. I thank you for putting it into perspective.
Well, it's about recognizing that a narcissist's abuse is really more about how damaged they are than about anything you said or did. Like a rabid dog will bite anyone, no matter who they are or what their intent is.
@@danielkaiser8971 the fact that its them and not you doesnt help fully i mean they will infect you with their sickness it reminds me of like a parasite that gets into your brain
It was enlightening but sad. I wonder if I will ever get myself back. I have gone no contact and am exhausted. What a waste of precious time, money, and self.
You will get yourself back. Staying no contact is key and educate yourself on narcissists daily to make sense of it all. You will feel yourself come back by remembering what you were before getting wrapped up in them.
You will. Still stuck with my narc and as I learn more about them and myself I have reclaimed more of me back even though they are still present in my life daily. Decide to take back your power. Identify how they try to take it and hold your ground. You are the powerful one. If they were powerful in and of themselves they wouldn’t need us. You will make it back. Keep at it!
ABC, you will! The key is to take good care of yourself, good nutrition. Aerobic exercise because I found I was in such shock I wasn’t getting air to all my cells. Took up mountain biking and left chaos in the rear view mirror. Their choices are hard to believe. They are THEIR choices however, not ours. Dignity cannot be taken away from us
I am in a terrible situation I have young children and have to have contact with him, it is horrible because he must continue winning wheater it is a change of the meeting place or the time of the meeting. (i can not get RID of this horrible man ever and my heart is breaking) I am also exhausted and he has wasted my precious life,, I am stuck
For now, just rest. You will have the energy to think about getting yourself back after you rest. One day at a time, one hour at a time, or if you have to, one minute at a time. Be kind to yourself every day.
I took it all personally when it happened to me for over 25 years from all sorts of people so sad 😞 I wish I had this information back then. But I am hearing and healing know finally.
Me too thank you Dr Ramani, your teachings are so so valuable and I am growing as a person daily because of you. You hit the spot every time. Would love to give something back to you, as you have given me so much!!
Dr Ramani, thank you. I was scapegoated in my family and I became a lifelong magnet to every narcissist ever. So, I was bullied at school, I was bullied at work, untill I got suicidal, hated myself, thought I was worthless, had no support from anyone, only gaslighting. I got diagnosed with depression and although I still haven't gotten to psychotherapy, medication helped, and I started searching for explanations and ways to help myself. That's how I came across your channel. I finnaly got my help and my answers, so I can proceed my healing. Today I feel like a much healthier person, and only a healthy person can help others. Thank you for being here for me and for all of us who feel helpless.
@@LizEarthAngel3 you know I wonder if cognitive dissonance is involved here. When we recall the narc's actions, do we get confused about our reponse? Like I have been told it is hard for us to remember our emotional states, unless it was extreme.
Ben Harris yes absolutely I went back in 2012 because I had forgotten the extreme, that’s why I did things like that this time, he was also charged with dv this time too, still very hard having children with him and remembering the good times because you don’t want to remember the bad, I have a counsellor she is really helping me with trauma bond etc
Me too I recorded this devil once, he immediately stop all rage and yelling! They know what they are doing ! They just intended to hurt u but then they can’t bear the cost that their madness is going to shown in public
The best thing it happened to me this year was bumping into this UA-cam channel. I feel like a navigated my life the dark. My mother is the biggest gaslighter now when I see any narcissistic behavior on her I just go to myself here we go, I just hang up and continue on with my life try not to let it affected me. Oh boy it is not easy.
The problem is when the narcissist is your mate, chosen when you thought they were a competent whole person. That moment of betrayal is what causes the personalizing moment.
I realized that the awful things my narcissistic parents told me all my life aren’t personal when I start growing and seeing that they didn’t do this only with me, but also with other family members and friendships outside family. They act all friendly and caring outside with others but then they talk badly about EVERYONE behind their backs. It’s disgusting. But thanks to your videos and my own self-awareness now I’m learning to say “fuck them” in my own mind and simply shut off my brain and don’t listen to their rants when they want to use me as their punching bag.
A therapist once said to me, regarding the relationship I had with one of the difficult people in my life....”the good news is that you’re in his inner circle, the bad news is that you’re in his inner circle.”
From a martial arts perspective, even when they choose to personally attack, it is possible for the martial artist to focus sideways in the moment, so that they don't react within the attacker's framework. Reacting from the attacker's point of view gives it power, while stepping sideways and focusing on something in the periphery of the attacker takes power away from the attack. I did this when given an ultimatum, because I couldn't do what the ultimatum giver wanted right in that moment. I calmly said, "I can't deal with this right now, but I can address it later. I have these others to help right now and I will help you when I finish with them." Then I turned my attention to my other friends. Then another person in the friend group gave the ultimatum giver undivided attention to talk her down. By turning sideways I kept my eye on my own priorities, and allowed someone else to step forward to give the crisis person attention. The person who stepped forward had the space to do so because they weren't dealing with multiple others.
This is it! The way to peace of mind and compassion. Thank you, Dr. Ramani. Someone said that this is the most important thing a parent can teach their children: discernment. How to handle projections. I think we all need role models when it comes to this ability. You cannot take it out of the air, you have to see it and experience it. Love in action.
I imagine that I am in a bubble whenever I am around my narcissistic husband. I can make the bubble any size I want. Some days it's about 15 feet around. Nothing gets in my bubble that doesn't belong there, mostly whatever comes out of his mouth. I am not alone in my bubble. My Higher Power is always with me and I can call for reinforcements when I am feeling vulnerable. Dr. Ramani's voice of sanity reminds me to not engage and not personalize. I am also creating meaningful relationships that help when I am feeling overwhelmed. Thank you for this video and this forum!!!
Yours is a classic exercise in psychological protection that has worked for so many people. Also helpful is imagining your narcissist completely engulfed in white light while you are in your bubble, increasing the intensity of light tenfold, a hundredfold, until all the negativity is burned away, leaving only what is good behind.
@@danielkaiser8971 thank you for the additional imagery. I didn't know I was using a classic exercise....here I thought I had come up with it all on my own! 🙂
I love love love your approach. I will invite my Higher Power into my bubble, and be sending you gratitude from inside! 🔮(Closest thing I could find to a bubble, lol!)
My wife had two kinds of "friends". Her "aspirational" friends, usually a power couple, with high social standing... people she wanted to be seen like, and then her "service providers".
That's a good acronym. But I'm a bit mischievous, so I'm going to remember it spelled backwards. "Peed". As in the pants. Don't do it. 🤣😜 Now you may never un-see it this way. My deed is done for the day. Ta-ta!
They're never satisfied even after you give them everything you have. I think they only hurt the closest people who can't easily get away, like spouse, children, employees, or best friends.
@DrRamami Hi love the content please do a video about a narcassist who is an educator I'd love to your thoughts on it? I'm requesting this topic because of I'm a survivor of a narcassist educator.
Yeah, this is very difficult for me. I feel like I have aged 20 years in the past 10 years of this relationship. 🤦🏾♀️ I am very grateful for this channel and other similar channels in my healing journey.
It most definitely takes a toll on a person's mental, emotional and physical health. I completely hear you. Feel like I have aged so much in this "journey". We have to take care of, focus on, and make OURSELVES our priority whenever possible.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani! Yes, it makes sense that the narcissist is incapable of processing emotions like a healthy person can. Thanks for the two examples you gave. It’s sad that when a person expresses (in a nice way) of how they feel, they go from good to bad instantly in the mind of the narcissist. You cannot have a normal discussion with them.
Yup this happened to me when I told my friend that it hurts my feelings when she said she would rather get shit faced at the pub than hang out with me at my place. This is few days after I invited over. She acknowledge it was rude of her to say, but only after her boyfriend had pointed it out. She then went on about her social anxiety of new places. And how she didnt really know my sister or house mate who live with me. I assured her my house was safe and she could trust me. I was a bit frustrated so I made a comparison to the pub and what to expect when she came over. I explained it would be nice if she came to my house for once, instead of me coming to her. And that i wanted to dote on her for a change. The whole conversation ended with her gaslighting me then blocking me. This was all over text. She's done this before and I never understood. I'm happy to say even though it's only been two weeks , but I cut her off. I'm so greatful to you Dr Ramani, your video came up on my feed like the day after this all happend. If I could hug through a screen I would
I think I get this now. I was trying to figure out how those things could be different. I'm in the position that I no longer deal with any of the most toxic people I ever knew. I feel freer than I ever have, but still so emotionally tired. I want to say, when I'm having a rough night at work, I can watch one of these videos, because they are perfectly timed for breaks, and I feel like I've had a real pep talk, and not something disingenuous and superficial. I have been feeling so much better because I found this channel.
I have learned not to personalise what my dad says to me anymore. I used to feel extremely hurt, but now my mind is on autopilot when conversating with my dad. I know his behaviour is terrible..but I don't take on his negative thoughts about me anymore. Those thoughts belong to him and have no justification. My dad voices all of his negative opinions about others, and refuses to allow us to have ours. We get cut off for years if we express a single opinion that he doesn't like. My childhood was destroyed but it made me so much stronger.
I think I had a small victory with this a few weekends ago. My husband, who has been giving me silent treatment for more than 2 months now (because I dared try to talk to him about his health and the fact that he is constantly irritable with me and our 3 small kids), made a really horrible comment in front of his parents and brother. It was aimed directly at me, and he even looked at me to see how I was going to react. He was talking to his brother about his brother's wife, and then said something to the effect that it must be nice if your wife actually loves you. I just looked right back, no emotion on my face, and turned back to his mother and continued our conversation. Even though it made me want to cry, I didn't give him the satisfaction of seeing me upset.
Having a narcissist in your life is an exhausting frustrating experience, daily, hourly. Not personalizing the insults and slights is key. It is about owning our realities, yes. Thank you.
Dr R Thank you for acknowledging the horror of having a Narcissist in your life. The affects are long lasting. Can you address practical ways to forgive urself for unknowingly allowing financial abuse and accepting that you will never be repaid? Thank you
balwant kaur yeah balm on our wounds Nd she is someone who acknowledges our pains and what we r going through the whole lives which nobody didn’t understand Nd talked about before
my dad was like that...he begged me to clean my house until I gave in then would go to my friends' work to tell them he had to clean my house and how messy it was, but if I refused to let him clean it he would whine and complain for dazeeeeeeeee...ughhhh
So my question is - if nearly all Dr Ramani's videos are relevant to me in some way or another, does that mean I'm f*ucked? Am I screwed for life now? So I'm aware but continually repeat the same pattern in relationships, why am I not learning? (and apologies for the profanity, it just felt like the quickest way to express)
I don’t think that you’re not learning. Dr. Armani helps provide us tools to survive the insanity that narcissists create. And it’s not that you are not learning-it’s that there are A LOT of narcissists in this society. If you look at the social structure for how certain countries run, it is inherent in the system by the way it treats its people just like how narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths can easily discard citizens while they hoard all of the wealth all to themselves and destroy the planet disregarding future generations to come. Most of these people will hide behind religiosity to pretend to be decent human beings when they’re hypocrites, and that’s how they recruit people in their indoctrination process of lies for financial gain and more profiteering by keeping abusive systems in place--through .compliance, conformity,_ and _consent. It’s not you, sincerely. It’s a pervasive, dysfunctional environment._
Amanda, It's a process that takes time. Be patient with yourself and keep educating yourself. It can be a confusing topic, but over time, begins to come together in understanding. I've been at it for several years now, and am just starting to feel I can handle anyone now, who tries to pull games with me.
It takes practice to get it right. And lots of rest and peace. And learning, and being kind to yourself. It may be that you need direct assistance like a therapist. I suspect most of us have used therapy, and many comments talk about how much time it takes. Some people even have to reach rock bottom before they discover something has been wrong all along. You're learning as you go. Be kind to yourself. Time and practice. And real life good friends, outside of any toxic environment so you can heal.
This is very useful. In CBT terms it has to do with the origin of false beliefs and how to challenge them and to disregard them, while at the same time acknowledging the pain caused just by the attack, in general. A natural response then becomes one of avoiding the other person and feeling pity for them, which leaves the victim an easier chance of walking away (though hurt and perhaps angry), rather than locked into a sense of hatred and powerlessness. Walking away does take power, so therefore if one walks away, one has power. I remember when I started teaching myself how to do this twenty years ago. It’s been really hard at times but it has made a difference. Your explanation is wonderful.
This propably works for covert narcs that just give nasty remarks from time to time but not the openly violent, psychopatic ones. A very much narc would start to terrorise the victims the very moment they wake up in the morning, until they fall sleep. To tell the victim ”don’t take it seriously” is like saying that to a victim of torture. Of course they stop reacting to it, but it doesn’t make it go away!
Daniel Kaiser you clearly don’t know how these go, but are playing smart. You can’t say paychologist isn’t needed! You can’t say they don’t need therapy, or he victims don’t need. In many of these cases police can’t do anything. And most of the time they are makin remember that they can be violent - and they make the victims feel guilty about it. It’s their fault. I know someone who starts the day by yelling at his wife for one hour, who stupid she is. Just keeps repeating it non stop. A very narcissistic. ”Not take it in yourself” isn’t really applying in that situation eighter. Of course the victim understands it! But it’s not helping much.
Daniel Kaiser you clearly never have called the police for help with narcissist abuse. I have, many times! And it depends a lot from the country what day can do.
After 10 years I started doing something for me, I started yoga. Even him making fun of my yoga practice while I am practicing and after it just doesn't bother me anymore because I know now it's on him. Dr. Ramani you have led me to see what is real. And what I know to be real now is my feelings and my sanity. If I were to sum it all up in a smaller nutshell, over 10 years I feel like I have grown tremendously dealing with a covert narcissist and raising our kids. But I feel like he is still who he was 10 years ago. Talking about the same things, not taking any steps towards health care, can't hold a job more than 2 years, I don't do enough, any issue we have is my fault. Seeing your videos it has opened my eyes to his disorder and how it will never change. Your insight has saved my life.
I went no contact with my parents 5 years ago and whenever I feel angry at myself for self sabotaging or feeling helpless, I also feel anger at my parents because I blame them for raising me to be this way long time ago. I'm still trying to stop doing this.
It's absolutely not fair to be dealt your particular hand of cards, but I imagine most everyone around here understands exactly what you're feeling and thinking. For me, it was just a matter of getting tired of blaming my parents until it took too much effort to stay angry. Then it slowly started to wear off as I accepted my situation. And it definitely helped me to learn what to do instead, that is, to have some sort of plan for healing and taking care of myself in the ways I didn't have in my early years from my parents. That way, I could look forward into the future, I had something to move forward to. Because looking backward while moving forward is not the best course of action for obvious reasons. Although it could be comical in retrospect. 😊❤ Best wishes to you and your healing process in life, now and always.
Linda B B; I know exactly how you feel because this happened to me also. You should take it personally because they're choosing to do it to you. Many times it's because they are envious and threatened of you because you have a lot of potential and they want to snuff it out! Do not let them! Love yourself more! Choose you and let go of the Narcs. you will never get their approval and they will always be out to sabotage you. They get sadistic supply from ruining people's lives. It's sick but it is the truth. You need to work on yourself and change the way you do things. Greyrock the Narcs until you can get away permanently and never go back! Practice self-care. Have boundaries! Recognize abusive people and avoid them.
@@RavenStealstheNight they want to erode your self-esteem so that you won't have a chance at any success in life. They get supply from seeing you unhappy. Plan an escape and learn to reprogram yourself. Have boundaries. Work on your self worth. Put your needs first! Walk away from negative people. Break the trauma bond and heal. Recognize the signs of covert abusers. Perfect your Greyrock technique. Do not tolerate people who mistreat you or make you second guess yourself.
I think it's important to point out that children don't get the choice to stay or leave, they don't have much life experience to go off of, and that the advice of this video is going to be much more difficult for a child/teen/adolescent to follow than someone who has more life experience. So yes, it is hard. But it is also better than nothing because you learn it earlier in life. Also there are older people here who can understand and maybe even offer a friendly exchange. Getting through difficult times ought not be done alone. And if ever you're in trouble, you might talk privately with a teacher or counselor at school, or someone who may be trained to respond. Be kind to yourself at all times.
while i am sleeping my narc father will come into the room and play on my anxiety loud noises make me jump like today he kept dropping a hard object onto a table to see me jump from it, i’ve been crying because i knew if he visibly saw me jump it was just going to continue can someone please give me ANY advice, im going to university next year
BAM BAM BOOM, I would love to give you advice, but at best I can only tell you my story which relates to yours so that you know you are validated and heard. I'm 50 now, but when I was a kid my mother did something similar to what your father is doing to you. When it was time for me to get up and get ready for early grade school, she would "startle" me awake. She would get up early and have plenty of time to get ready herself. She knew it would take about 30 minutes or more for me to get ready, but she would deliberately wait until I had only 15 minutes and then startle me awake, almost yelling, saying she "let" me sleep as long as possible so "get up now!" She did it to be mean. I had no time to bathe, she forced my head inder the sink to wash my face and hair only (the part that people could see), and this was after pouring milk on dry cereal in a bowl saying she "cooked" my breakfast and forced me to eat the whole thing in only two or three minutes. Then she would have my clothes ready, but would yell at me saying I was deliberately stalling because I couldn't put on my clothes fast enough, and I often felt like vomiting the bowl of cereal I ate too fast. Then she yelled at me on the drive to school, or remained completely silent even when I got out of the car and told her "I love you", all because she resented the duties of motherhood. She wanted my day to be ruined because of her own bad mood. It is awful and I feel your pain and frustration when you say your dad makes loud noises just to wake you up. The only thing I can suggest is to wait until a different part of the day and then catch him off guard like he does to you. Maybe in a quiet but respectful tone, when you have his attention, tell him that it makes you sad or frustrated when he makes loud noises, and just ask him if he would please stop doing it. And just wait for an answer. Don't argue or negotiate, just keep it simple and short and state only the facts on how it affects you. Then no matter what his reaction is, accept it and go off to do your own thing. The purpose is not to get an agreement or argue, but only to let him know how his actions make you feel and you would like for him to stop doing it. Once you have said it, there is nothing more to be done except give him time to process it on his own. I hope you have found something helpful in my reply. You will need to find ways of taking it easy and soothing yourself (healthily, not destructively) when you are upset for any reason, as these are valuable adult skills. Be kind to yourself and I wish you all the best. 💜👍
I absolutely relate to what you are saying. This was one of my main lessons with the narc. It took me about 5 years to actually get this. Before I used to stretch myself into every direction to try and find a right way. One day I realized: There is no right way!
This makes it much clearer. It always feels so personal because narcissists seem focussed on specific targets but appear so nice, friendly and caring to everyone else. Thank you for this content Dr Ramani!
I actually always pray for my ex narc. He is only one who can want to get help and i was always boldly telling him what he was doing and told him he is a narc is the reason he feels all trapped in his mind 😢 it’s actually heartbreaking to see them suffer due to their own mind and most times they don’t realize it. I would have no idea how to counsel and help narcissist 🤷🏼♀️
Dr Romani, I’m very grateful that you’re coming out with a video on healing rituals. I’m requesting a video on how and in what ways a narcissistic relationship takes a toll on an ones physical health. This subject is personal and very important to me. Thank you.
Yes! It's like I can actually feel my body breaking down on a molecular level. I am dead serious. And beyond exhausted. For the life of me I do not understand why my cortisol levels aren't through the roof.
Same! I've been working a high stress job with the worst kind of rotating shift work, for the last decade. Combined with 8 yrs marriage to a narcissist (recently divorced now- yay!), my health took a major collapse. That is now my main focus to rebuild, along with my finances and home. All so much work when struggling with major exhaustion.
@@shelleykapp9637 Your cortisol levels may be low due to being over-used and worn out adrenal glands that can no longer up. That's what happened to me. Adrenal fatigue after years of perpetual high stress. Also I've learned that cortisol levels peak hours later in the day for people with ADHD/ADD than for those without.
Once after what I considered “makeup sex” my ex was still angry, sulky, and the victim the next morning (he was the one who got caught having an affair). When I said, But what about last night? He said, YOU COULD HAVE BEEN ANYBODY. Wow, talk about nothing personal.
Thank you Dr. Ramani! Great explanation. A problem I have faced is hearing from people "don't take it personal" but without the important message of setting boundaries around the behaviors. So invalidating! First, get away from the person if I can. If not, put up a mental boundary around "their alternate reality" for my own sanity, and maintain as many healthy involvements that I can for balance and wellbeing! I needed to hear that today🌺🌺
Thankyou, as this 'reaction' was literally/or very similar to what I got a few weeks ago, for asking an (ex) narcissitic friend to talk a few things over. The analogy helps to see how the Narcissist would react in a similar way with anyone and puts the onus on them, releasing the blameshifting they attempt to put on you.
This hit hard to home. I’ve been trying to work on not taking things personally in general, struggling to find the remedy. Video came out at the perfect time!
I was lovely and patient when I met him, treat his kids with most care and empathy, after years of emotional abuse. Now he tells me ” I am the worst person to be with after I refuse to be Hoovered back in!” it's amazing how the narrative, always works in his favor! And he goes where wing below. Laugh at me when I was public insulted by his family and friends. (the fly monkeys ) And now he tells everyone how horrible I am towards him and his kids. Not personalized this is the key to survive because no family and only a few friends I can really talk in my circle. Makes extremely difficult for me to recover!
Ughh.My narcs toxic friends gaslighted me to hell. Every outing I had to look forward to his friends making me feel horrible and crazy.As if one person treating you like crap wasn't enough.
Hang in there...make new friends, keep watching these videos. Your isolation will only last as long as it takes you to start rebuilding your own life, but beware because you are so vulnerable right now that it's easy for another narc to step in. You are lonely only because your time isn't filled with his constant demands. Fill your time with things you love and projects you want to accomplish for you and you'll start to feel better. And look at it this way: People who are willing to think badly about you are not your people. He helped you clean house. Get away from those people. I wish you healing and I'm sending you love and hugs. ❤❤❤
Once I gained knowledge about this disorder, I no longer asked myself what I did wrong.
Absolutely! I felt like I always screwed up for years!!!
I’m still untying the knots in my mind, as I was raised by and then entered a marriage with one at age 16. With each Dr. R video I watch, I swear I can feel those “knots” untying, as things slowly begin to make sense. I am learning to see things clearly and to trust myself. Glad to hear that others are experiencing healing as well! 🖤☮️
Right! So helpful to realize this.
Everything I was blamed for were things he could not provide!
Exactly
IKR,
It wasn't you 😅
I loved the analogy of the mad person on the street yelling at you, thanks Dr. Ramani for such helpful videos
Yes it feels so personal that it used to play in my mind over and over again.Now I have learnt to not take it personally and I love the way you have so clearly help me understand the difference between the two .Thank you
TRUST is like a crystal glass that once it's broken its hard to put the pieces back together and when you try to fix them, you might get puncture and get hurt. The crystal glass would never be the same no matter what. That is why it's important to apply wisdom when dealing with our partners and i believe smartness is essential in any relationship. I got help from (cybertech-tracker) as he helped cloned my cheating husband's phone and I got access to all his phone Call logs, Text messages, Facebook, Instagram, Whats-app, Skype, Kik, Twitter, Snap-chat, Email, i-Cloud, GPS location and Social media chats (both Old and New) without touching his phone. My husband was a cheating Narcissist but I'm glad to uncover his deceits, secrets and Infidelity. All I did was share my husband’s phone number with (cybertech-tracker) and i was able to read his recent and deleted messages from my phone without laying my hands on his phone and he has no idea his phone has been cloned. I was hurt when i saw a picture of my husband and his lover kissing, i felt so bad about infidelity. I’m here in Texas, USA and was able to access his phone while he was away cheating in the UK and saw all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned. He also does hacking of account or any other type of hacking, background check up and retrieval of data. His services are trusted and guaranteed and also affordable. Contact this great hacker via Gmail (cybertechtracker) or text him directly on his phone and via Whats-app : +1 (202) 697-7171. I hope you find peace of mind just like myself after discovering the truth.
Love this, Dr R!! It came up on my feed at the perfect time. Thank you!
You have a incredible empathy
Is very frustrating that we may find some bad psychologists when we want to talk about a narcissistic person in our life, cause some psychologists are not prepared to talk about this subject and I have encountered a few that didn't even recognized that my narcissistic mother is a narcissist and they kept telling me to try to talk to her ,to tell her how I feel ,that this could change something. 😤😤
They are basicly robot to me. i dont waste energy hating or being angry at a robot.
He follow his script thats all
Great video! I needed to hear this today!! Thank you for such great content!
Thanks for sharing the terrific insights and examples, Dr. Ramani. Shouldn't the title be "Personalizing a narcs behavior Vs. not taking it personally?" I had a relationship with a BPD / NPD and at parties the fragility would come out and often it was taken out on me, cutting me off in mid sentence and invalidation. Decided early on not to attend any parties due to this occurring, at the time, didn't understand it but knew it was abusive. Ended the relationship after suffering for 2 years. I'm better off without all the antics.
The narcissist personalises their insults and general verbal abuse illustrated by their tailor made put downs, just for you. They study you to see what your triggers are, what your weak points are, in this way it is personal and needs to be otherwise they don’t get the reaction they so desperately want. But, their intent to abuse is general, not personal. It could be you, it could be someone else, as long as it’s somebody.
Doctor Ramani, please advise on how to cope with a narcissist at a non profit organization? It's more difficult to leave because this place is very special, not an average workplace. It feels more like a family. One-two people can ruin everybody's mood, years of work, etc Please help!
My MOTHER was such a mind messing abusive NARCISSIST she would cater to everyone individually in the way it took for her to CONTROL THEM! BUT she was so slick about it she would pass ALL judgement to THEM and always seem "Sparkly CLEAN" at the end AND VICTIMIZED! WHEN you could pin-point the attack and trace it back TO HER she would CALL THE COPS ON YOU! She would smile at YOU, leave the HOUSE call another CHILD and have THEM come FUCKIN HIT YOU! She was SO EVIL! You could be laying BLOODY because you fell off a HORSE she would have ANOTHER KID take you to the hospital! IT WAS HER DAY OFF! That other kid had OTHER PLANS but instead of EVER getting mad AT HER they were MAD AT YOU! MY GOD she was SO EVIL SO WICKED AND AWFUL! HOW do you NOT take that personally! Your getting the SHIT KICKED OUT OF YOU because of her SHIT! ? ITS PERSONAL! AND YOU NEED TO LEAVE!
Dr Ramani, need to know how to deal with the narcissist 's false accusations that he is spreading to ppl about myself and my family. Do I meet with these ppl he has lied to and show my evidence that I have or do I just walk away and ppl believe I am the evil one. He is charismatic and a highly functional meth user PLEASE do a video clip if u can, thank you
When they love you, it's NOT about you. When they hate you....STILL not about you! Be it negative or positive, narcissists will NEVER feel an emotion towards somebody unless it was for their own selfish gain. It was never about you and it never will be. A painful, but freeing realization.
Agreed.
Me growing up I was the invisible child, so I shut down and never felt any emotion towards my family and still dont. And my mom not too long ago called me a narcissist. I looked it up and found out she is the narcissist. I probably picked up some traits but I pray to god I end up nothing like her 🙏
Joseph Teamwork hi, maybe you picked up some dysfunctional patterns/behaviour. For example if she screamed at you when you were a child that was an abuse. If you reproduce that form of abuse with your own children that’s because it’s the only thing you were used to, the only thing you’ve always known. But when you watch your own child suffer a lot because of your screaming, then YOU HAVE THE CHOICE, and because you have EMPATHY and you LOVE your child, you won’t scream at him anymore.
Narcs have always had the choice. But they are so broken inside that they function destroying the others, children included. You learned those behaviours because they were the only ones you were exposed to. But if you have empathy in your heart and freedom of choice in your mind, then you can break the chain.
Joseph Teamwork In my relationship with a narc I soon figured out that every time he called me names he was actually describing himself. I eventually shut down all emotion towards him and many people in general, it was the only was to keep my sanity. Same thing I did with my family years ago. It’s hard not to replicate some of their behaviors when that’s all you have ever known. Still working on it 😐
Agree. Their version of love is not like mine. I accept their passion, affection, even admiration as their form of love. But, really it's not empathic love. Not losing any sleep over me.
They blame you constantly. It's like you can do nothing right no matter how hard you try. And if they sometimes do say something good it's like they are doing you a favor
'Intermittant reinforcement' -yes, like they're 'let' you have that compliment as long as they still perceive they are still in control over it all! delusional!
It's really just their self hatred speaking. They can't own it so so they try to push it off on you. It's sad.
@@annwe6 took quite a while for me to get that point, but yes, you're right about that self hatred. My ex kept (and keeps) insisting I had attacked her for stuff that didn't even bother me. Like _at all_ . Had I had the thought and just suppressed saying out loud it might have been mind reading - didn't even _think_ what she claims I had been rude about.
At that time I thought it's reproachful. Nowadays I pity her for that as she cannot even get rid of this unfair attacker. Because it's in her own mind which she'll be with probably for the rest of her life. And maybe she doesn't even know and keeps wondering why people are mad at her all the time.
Sounds like Media trashing Trump nonstop daily.
Sohini; they blame you for everything because they get sadistic supply from it.
Making you happy and praising you does not give them supply.
Also, they cannot blame themselves for anything because it would be incriminating.
They enjoy your misery and you're stress and they will literally manufacture problems to create drama and chaos.
Narcissus are sadistic predators.
How can it be personal, when they never cared to learn who you are?
Yes that's true. Some narcissists target people without even acknowledging their humanity. They assign the characteristics they want their targets to have and then punish them if they step out of character or act in any way as individuals with autonomy or agency separate from the narcissist.
That hit the nail on the head
I can be personal but only if we take it that way. I don't think my narc has the INTERPERSONAL CAPACITY to predict how people interpret what she says. I don't think she cares whether what she says is taken personally. I think she just sees her emotional abuse as simply another button to press. She will keep pressing the button if I show it has an effect.
@@benharris8903 They just want to make you "dance"-- they would prefer admiration from you, but if they can't get that, any kind of big emotional reaction from you is narcissistic supply... I know you probably already know this, but it took me a while to figure out with mine :)
@maplesyrup yes! I would start conversation with questions about them and he never respond in kind
IT FEELS PERSONAL but it is not personal.
“The rain is not coming for you”
Thank you.
That line was SO helpful
The "rain" is an indication you need to run for the hills.
SO true!
- The traffic light didn't turn red because of you.
- The rude person who stepped on your foot by mistake in a store and didn't apologise didn't do that BECAUSE of you.
Those things would happen no matter who was there, whether you or someone else, or no one at all. Same with the narc - if it's not directed at you, it'll just be aimed at someone else (and eventually will be), as it exists constantly inside THEM.
(Although, with the "ugly martian" example, I WOULD feel a bit inferior! lol. I'd logically know the person was mentally ill and saying delusional things to random people, BUT my insecure side of me would deep down wonder if he chose ME to yell at because I, out of all the other people around, really am ugly!)
@@ladybaabaa3294 yes it did turn red because of me the world is against me lol not really but being abused will make you feel paranoid at least for me
New movie, “he’s just not that into you because you’ve stopped giving him supply”
I’d pay to watch that
Could be my biography. ☺️
There only around before i get paid. The weeks when I'm out of money there not doing shit and shouting at me any little excuse they can find to feed their egos.
It's not as easy as it looks to leave them.
They can always pull the disabled card and make you feel guilty or follow you like a P.O officer just to make sure your not cheating. They always have a trick up their sleeve and the only way out is suicide or to wait till they pass away. It's like a prison sentence.
Anne Stewart omg soo true I’m hoping for Covid to get me so I can have peace
And you don't care, because you are busy with your friends!
My father was a narcissist and he made me ill with anxiety and depression. I wasn't old enough to do anything but take it personally. I'm now a much older adult and your advice is useful going forward in my life.
♥️
You were never broken, and you have all the worth in the world.
Same with me my dad is a narcissist too but my brother would say more personal mean things
I believe many who have anxiety and depression have been narcissistically abused.
Identifying your abuser and taking steps to heal can save your life.
Yes me also😒But now I know what I’m dealing with it’s a little easier,I feel for you and all of the abused children ❤️
@doctorromani *Your content is what charges me for the day to face all measures of narcissistic injustice, PLEASE NEVER STOP*
I'm a daily watcher too! I listen each morning along with a cup of hot tea.
She's great. And she's helping so many people this way. She just cuts to the chase!!!
I'm with you.
Also a daily watcher! Soooooo thankful for this amazing doctor and channel!!
Rootin for ya.
VIDEO SUGGESTION: "Learned Helplessness" and, more importantly, how to Unlearn it.
I agree, that would be great. How do you unlearn it when you've been gaslit so much??? This stuff she's teaching all of us is very empowering.
YES Please!
This.
I’d love to see this topic too!
YES, would LOVE to see one like this!
Yes, they treat everyone the same way eventually. Some lessons learned from my experience are: 1) If they're toxic to others they will at some point be toxic to me, and 2) if they're toxic to me they will at some point be toxic to others. No one is immune and it's not about you!
TRUST is like a crystal glass that once it's broken its hard to put the pieces back together and when you try to fix them, you might get puncture and get hurt. The crystal glass would never be the same no matter what. That is why it's important to apply wisdom when dealing with our partners and i believe smartness is essential in any relationship. I got help from (cybertech-tracker) as he helped cloned my cheating husband's phone and I got access to all his phone Call logs, Text messages, Facebook, Instagram, Whats-app, Skype, Kik, Twitter, Snap-chat, Email, i-Cloud, GPS location and Social media chats (both Old and New) without touching his phone. My husband was a cheating Narcissist but I'm glad to uncover his deceits, secrets and Infidelity. All I did was share my husband’s phone number with (cybertech-tracker) and i was able to read his recent and deleted messages from my phone without laying my hands on his phone and he has no idea his phone has been cloned. I was hurt when i saw a picture of my husband and his lover kissing, i felt so bad about infidelity. I’m here in Texas, USA and was able to access his phone while he was away cheating in the UK and saw all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned. He also does hacking of account or any other type of hacking, background check up and retrieval of data. His services are trusted and guaranteed and also affordable. Contact this great hacker via Gmail (cybertechtracker) or text him directly on his phone and via Whats-app : +1 (202) 697-7171. I hope you find peace of mind just like myself after discovering the truth.
So true. My X's mother is a narc and now she is in her last chapter, alone with Alzheimer's. X is on his way, burning every bridge because of his inability to be genuinely kind and HUMAN.
amen!!
They treat those they deem beneath them the same way. The only people they feign respect for have monetary power over them.
Crazy that they treat their SO the absolute worst. This dude acts like a f-ing zoo animal when we’re alone stomping around, slamming cabinets and slurping his drinks. I immediately leave the room at the first sign of his imminent temper tantrum but now he’s playing the victim because it’s obvious I’m avoiding him on purpose. Dumb ape should ask himself WHY I find his presence so abhorrent. Not that he has the capacity for any self-reflection. Beyond frustrating… cannot wait to be totally free. Every damn day I contemplate just leaving most of my stuff at his stupid houses and driving far away.
Why do they love these stupid love bombing-discarding and everything in between cycles? It’s f-ing boring to watch someone self-destruct and not even realize they’re burning their last bridge.
Your right the woman I know 30yrs old lived same town all their lives. Not one friend says it all.
AGAIN, thank you. This was very helpful. I am a 48yr old daughter of a narcissistic mother, and physically abusive father. NONE of the previous therapists I have seen ever came close to helping as much as you have in just the 5 or 6 videos I have watched thus far. THANK YOU.
Sending love and well done coming out of this upbringing so sane and whole x
I too am learning soooo much from Dr. Ramani; I check for new videos every day and re-visit several many times over and over - I even type bits I've learned into my cell 'notes' so I can quickly remind myself when I am out and about and need to soothe myself from my narcissist sister.
My friend is so intrigued by these videos and she hasn't been in a relationship with a narcissist. Usually people don't care and don't get it😆
No Contact! Don't ever reach out to them or anybody who treats you wrong!
As a social worker this is what I do with clients. I was involved in a covert narcissistic relationship for 5 years.
Most people don’t care until it’s them on the receiving end!
@@user-xc5bz3np4g You are spot on. They either listen or look at you with bewilderment on their faces. The look says ' you are being too petty'. It's only when they are on the other side that they acknowledge the madness
Only once, I was in a non-live-in relationship for about a year and it was a relatively mild situation. Because of the degree to which this relationship messed up my life, even being a one-time-only mild situation, I became more interested in the topic of narcissism. If that did that to me, I can only imagine what others who are knee deep or neck high into this are suffering. So I want to know more, to help others, to prevent this happening to me again.
I realize, as memories come flooding back..my mother was a Narcissist. When I was little, I would ask her if a friend could sleep over. She would 't say yes or no..she would say. "I don't care"..what kind of answer was that? I was10. After that, I would write her any request, and put Yes or No for her to circle !! Crazy times !
“You’re like a piece of furniture to them.” Damn. Ouch! Never thought about it like that but it’s the absolutely true. The truth hurts.
And still I keep wondering if his new partner is furniture 2😔😔😔😔 of just me?
6 months no contact, but don't feel empowered yet.
Imo they know we are not a piece of furniture, because we 'live', (another kind of supply) but as an extension of their NPD. A 'tool'.
Nah, the truth sets you free. Living in the lies hurts way more.
Yes you are just to be used when needed, then tossed out when not
Tech, hang in there. You’re in a shocked sort of stage. Do the things you were doing for the relationship for YOU now. That and no contact will get you to an empowered stage. Hearing about them or watching on social media will set you back. I found aerobic exercise to be of immense help. Keep being your loving self- that is important. Wishing you 💜 and strength 💪🏼
Took me 2yrs and lots of tears to finally step back and observe how they treat everyone that way i just got the worst behind closed doors very damaged people
Very evil people. Humans have free will and this behaviour is simply evil
I'm coming up on two years and a lot of tears. How did you just step back?
@@miraclesforus2 interesting point. I am still healing from my relationship with a narc. My brother recommended a book, "People of the Lie" by M. Scott Peck. He says it connects evil with narcissism. Ordered it on Amazon..
@@me9411 If it helps ... I think if you feel the right motivation, you can find the way. I got lucky, and my narc was sent away to go though a treatment program. If that hadn't happened, she would have keep manipulating things to keep herself in my life. Away from our family, I was able to re-establish myself and my family, without her. But that didn't happen until we had peace. That first moment that I felt the peace, and knew it was because she was gone, that was the moment when I realized that nothing was going to stop me from separating from her. From that moment, every step I took was put in context of keeping that peace. I hope this helps you.
Big babies will be big babies. So don’t take it personally.
The analogy of the homeless mentally ill person was really helpful. Narcs are mentally ill and toxic. To be pitied and avoided at the same time. Next time one of my narcs tries to be abusive, I'll picture them as homeless and pushing a pram around with all of their worldly belongings! It's not that I don't have compassion for those less fortunate, but it sure helps put the narc's unbalanced mindset into perspective.
o78i
That is a good one😃
VIDEO SUGGESTION: what a healthy relationship looks like
Dark Inside Thank you!!
this could be a whole series tbh
They are broken.Once you realize that,it's easy to not take it personally.
Not when we think we can 'fix them.
It's actually heartbreaking ❤️
@Sandra de Zeeuw 🤗
Me to my husband who is not at all available: “I don’t need a dog for company, I need a person”
My husband blowing up: “you called me shitty dog”
Me: “I didn’t, i said that I do not need a dog for company, I need a husband who is available”
Him screaming like a crazy: “you called me shitty dog”
Me: “no I didn’t! Don’t put in my mouth stuff I didn’t say!!”
Him: “you are mad and you can’t even remember what you say”
The gaslighting is 100% and he uses it every time I call him out on his actions.
I can also not take it personally but he screams and yells at me until I give up and agree with what he says or wants in order to get some peace. This is not life.
@@azsuehayes TRY to tell yourself you can't fix them. Or at least, tell any attempts to take towards fixing them to a third party, word for word, who will tell you you spoke with clarity and didn't seem crazy.
If you're like me, over time you'll realize you've said everything that could possibly be said, but you can't help someone who isn't even willing to listen.
Love that the doc said "dude" 😂🤣 Love this point. They ARE like this to their core. We just get too close to them so we get devalued. But it would happen to anyone who is close. Anyone. And it does.
We just have to uphold a common good (value) and a common cause (vision); and hold everyone to a standard for common decency (virtue).
Right?? This gen Xer got all warm and fuzzy.
I think narcissists devalue closeness in part due to the fact that it results in a sort-of expectation of reciprocity, and narcissists tend to avoid accountability or just being inconvenienced with matters of the heart. But also, closeness is something narcissists may associate with their own past trauma at some deep level, and narcissists also avoid deep self-reflection or reminders of times they were powerless. I've tried pushing narcissists in my past into self-reflection, and all it did was make them angry.
Ironic, how a narcissist's behaviors are never about you, but when you push the point of making it about them in the way I just mentioned above, they are immediately irritatated. They want control of all narratives but without the responsibility. Their own narrative, and yours, and everyone's.
@@chriswyma145 they know they want to cause you harm however!! They feed on pain. At least my mother! but she's psychopathic too, a very evil one. They DO know which way is up in my experience.
@@danielkaiser8971 my narc ex was introspective and reflective. We prayed, read, and reflected on the Bible everyday together. Because of it, I honestly felt he was becoming more gentle towards me and starting to feel guilty lol. He told me days before we broke up, " I feel selfish being loved by you." "I don't deserve you, you deserve the best." "I love you and I would feel guilty if I just wasted your time" "I'm a narcissist, a coward, lazy, egotistical" "Maybe I'm not yet ready for a relationship" "I say I'm a Christian but I don't live like one." at first, I was hurt when he told me this because it felt like he was pushing me away/discarding me. I asked him if he wanted to breakup and he said he didn't to. But I had already saw red flags in the first month and he had emotionally abused me. He apologized and did some changes but he could not sustain it. So I prayed for God to give me a sign and courage to break up. Next day, my ex said something insulting that I cannot tolerate. This was the sign. So I finally said goodbye. He hoovered me, begged, but I never responded to anything. I slammed the door completely shut. I truly am grateful to God for sparing me and educating me about toxic people
Even after no contact remebering their words did hurt me, because i personalized it. Loved the video💚🙏
Remembering the words and reading them again in saved messages is the validation of why we choose freedom from their chains ⛓
I do not know if you will ever read this , but I want to thank you so much for the content that you put out. I grew up in foster care and I have such a hard time reading people because the examples of what I had growing up were horrible. I suffered horrible abuse and had pathological caregivers and caregivers that didn’t care to interact with me, so I never really got to understand people or understand the nuances of people. Thus, I attract very toxic people into my life.
I have always had some sort of a gut instinct that some about certain relationships were off; but, I was never courageous enough to walk away from some of them. I finally got to the point where I was really frustrated with this marriage that I am in. She has a borderline personality with narcissistic tendencies, she constantly gaslights me, constantly questions my interpretations of everything so whenever I would say anything or make any kind of observation, to her I was always wrong, and she would use guilt and shaming quite a bit. She has children so she would use them against me; so, I am up against a lot. All the things that you are laying out, I am seeing.
Pretty much every single thing that I have watched from you has been spot on, as far as your descriptors and scenarios. I am learning a lot of strategies by listening to you and I am taking notes and working with my therapist to help me shape the relationship part of my brain that was nonexistent. Also, I am learning strategies to not personalize everything, validate myself and my own feelings, not overthink everything, acknowledge my reality and emotions, and not get so defensive immediately, stay calm while standing my ground.
In my lifetime, it’s either been fight or flight or logic. Someone, years ago, accused me of being, or trying to say that I was autistic or had Aspergers - and said it as an off-hand insulting manner. I took that as insulting because it is insulting to people who actually have those conditions. That person said tried to diagnose me with that because I am very logical. People who have grown up the way I have tend to make sense of the chaos by organizing their lives very meticulously. I also found athletics, by way of soccer and working out at the gym five days a week and playing soccer seven days a week, with academics to be a really good outlets for me. I am really good at writing and writing a fiction book and a book of poetry’s, I have two Master’s Degrees and a Masters of business administration, and I’m working on my doctorate.
I have a hard time with relationships and I take a lot of abuse from people because I do not have good expectations and I do not establish my personal expectations or boundaries; however through your channel and materials, I am learning a lot.
I was diagnosed with reactive attachment disorder because of my foster care upbringing, so the relationship part of my brain is very underdeveloped; but, it’s rapidly getting better because I’m starting to challenge myself and my therapist has really given me a lot of therapeutic strategies through CBT and I found you to really give me a myriad of others tools to use.
Thank you so much for what you are doing, it’s amazing and truly life-changing!
I wish I could give you a hug… and as I just said wrote this I got a little shaky and I teared up.
Thanx for sharing . . you should write an autobiography, your story would help so many people.
You really are an excellent writer -- and more. From a very difficult early childhood, you've managed to grow and heal, largely by "pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps." That's remarkable. I know you would say that there have been people -- like your therapist and Dr. Ramani -- who have helped you along the way, but you're the person who availed yourself of that help. Wishing you all the best in your career and in your personal life as you move onward and upward.
Gutierrez Rey - What an amazing personal story!! You have so much to proud of and so much to share with the world. I, for one, am cheering for you!
My younger brother chose a very long career path, lots of schooling, so he was feeling down about finding a mate "in time" and having someone to share his life with. He was spending time he didn't have going to parties, etc. trying to find that person. It wasn't until he relaxed, stopped "searching" and let his passion for what he was studying guide him that his wife wandered into his life.
I am sorry you went through this during your upbringing. I hear so much "hope" in what you are doing to better yourself as a person, and commend you for doing so! Keep progressing towards healing yourself. Many of us have some form of abuse/trauma in our past, some worse than others, but no less significant either way; it sounds like you are on the right path! Bless you and all others who are trying to heal from the trauma. It can be a long journey, but one foot in front of the other....
Gutierrez Rey, thank you for such an inspiring story. 💐💪🏼
As a healthcare professional I have worked with many folks with all sorts of mental illnesses and dementia. You get treated pretty rough at times but I never felt it was personal at all. I knew they were prob not like that before they became older or got sick etc so I get what your saying. However as a scapegoated child turned grown woman my narc mother makes me feel about as big as a dust mite with one look. Its really difficult for me to not take what she says to heart. I am learning and will eventually heal. Thanks for all your doing for this community.
You may benefit by mothering yourself as an adult the way you didn't have in earlier years. In time, it will help you redirect the subconscious expectation of being mothered from your actual mother to yourself where you are in charge of the health of your inner child as if she were separate and you are the adult in charge of her life the right way.
Yes, but when we are having a bad day, we may take something personal we may not ,when all is okay (we are human too). So this makes our job especially hard (and any customer service job). Also, some people are nasty all their lives; we can't chalk everything to dementia and old age. Look at a lifelong criminals who simply gets old, for example.
@@danielkaiser8971 but I never had kids bc I saw how my mother and grandmothers made their children feel . Actually, parents and their parents, not just mothers. We pattern ourselves after our parents, how the hell am I supposed be a good mother to myself, when I knew I could never be a good mother to a child. I have no idea what that would even look like. I'm not saying your plan isn't a good one, I just wouldn't even know where to begin. (Sorry , my brain just exploded at the thought of this)
@@lile8602 I would guess you might be able to figure out what being a good parent is by observing good parents around you, as well as learning about what abuse is and knowing good parenting does not include the abuse you've learned about. It's a long process because so much of being abused is part of what we know and must unlearn, but the more you heal from toxic abuse, the more intolerable it is to be around toxic people. This can include realizing you have some toxic behaviors that you don't want to express to others and it can feel like self-hatred or cause guilt. But part of the healing process is understanding this is an echo of having been abused for so long, it is not who you really are deep down, that other survivors of abuse understand because it's the same for them, and it is also the opportunity to learn how to be kind and gentle to yourself now and always through healing for the rest of your life. Anything at all that you can do in a healthy manner which helps your healing, those things are examples of what a healthy parent would do, and therefore are also examples of being a parent to yourself. I'm not a professional, but I have told you what has worked well for me. I wish you well.
@@danielkaiser8971 that is really great advice. Reading kind of made me think "duh". I know that is not how you meant it, that just my self affirmation techniques kicking in. I have a LONG way to go.
What you've generously shared is being taken to heart. I really appreciate it. Thank you.
Lady... I can't tell you how much I value these videos. You've saved me.. I was shriving up. I was soooo confused and sad. And now I know what's real, I've cultivated my support system and I'm working my way out. It's not over, but I have more hope than ever and more clarity. THANK YOU!!!
Good luck to you!!! She's a lifesaver.
It's hard not to take it personal if you have invested so much feelings time and energy in these relationships and then have to take it all back to rescue yourself.
True😭
It's all so confusing!
feels like such a big sunken cost
True...but like Dr Ramani says, they are a black hole. Best to shine a light on the truth so you don’t waste anymore time ♥️ they will forever be an unfinished project. It’s a parasitic relationship.
Or when they heavily cost you business then give away to televangelist most of the family retirement.
Trigger...Back when I was engaged to my narcissist, he wanted to go to a hotel in Death Valley that had been in a novel that he had read. We flew by plane, we travelled by Jeep. We arrived in Death Valley with only one night left in our trip. I had hoped this trip would be a chance for the two of us to spend quality time together, explore the desert and listen to the wolves howl. Instead he spent the time on the phone to his business partner and the one night we had at this hotel, he took off before dinner and left me alone in the hotel room. I thought he went for ice. He didn't come back. Hotel staff didn't know what had happened to him and were on alert. We contemplated calling the police if he didn't come back by morning. Finally at 4am he came back, woke me up with lights, ignored my tear-stained face and soaked pillow, and exclaimed "I had such a great time! I went out and wandered in the desert. I crouched under the moon and listened to the wolves howl!" He was so excited that he ignored the fact that the hotel staff and I had been worried sick about him. When we had lunch at the local diner the next day on our way out, I expressed my sadness that we'd only had the one night there, and that I'd wanted so much to explore the night desert with him. He exploded, making the other patrons of the diner stare at him, "How can you say that? *How dare you say you don't want to be here?* How dare you be so ungrateful for the trip I've given you?" I tried to get him to hear what I was saying; that I was grateful for the trip and wished I could have spent quality time with him on it doing the things we had talked about, but he kept on yelling how I didn't want to be there while the other patrons of the diner stared at him and gave me pitying glances.
He never heard me. He never heard anyone, in fact, so I don't take this personally.
I’m sorry that happened to you. These videos do help. We are not alone. Now we know better. There are good people out there.
We are worth so much more.
Same with my mom
Remembering this is going to be easy for me, it really is an important distinction. My narcissist CONSTANTLY tears down people she sees, even if they're just walking past the window, "Oh, they're addicted to drugs", "Oh, they're fat", "Oh, they're a bad parent" even when she says things about me like; I'm lazy, I'm useless, I couldnt cope without her it's so easy for me to see that's these are all HER insecurities, especially with the help of your videos Dr Ramani! Anytime a narcissist does anything; it's always about THEM (in their perspectives) keep up the great work Dr, this information and the insights you share are going to help so many people🥰🥰🥰
My mom's favorite thing to say when I would call her out would be "get over it". Cut her off completely last month after realizing how much of a narc she is
@Tanya Angelique Sounds like something my father would say .He would always tell me I basically didn't matter always he comes first .
If she ever confronts you on going no contact, you can always answer: "I took your advice. I got over you."
@@kesmarn that's a good one! I think I will do that
I cut her off over a year ago and when I look at the mirror and I see myself, I like the little child, the little me reflected and I feel a bit of love for myself. If I had to listen to her I would be “useless, ugly, stupid, a bad mother etc” and btw if she died I would feel so much better. I am not even guilty for saying that.
There’s no better way than NO contact
Cut your losses and move; and don't look back.
Many years ago I was severely and shockingly gaslit by a good friend (expert covert narc) of 10 years while on vacation with a large group of friends. It was so painful and had a profound impact on my life. I spent alot of time and money on therapy to understand her behavior as well as my own behavior. I wish this information was available back then! There were several indicators leading up to to it that made me very uncomfortable. I had noticed years before was her micro expressions. upon telling her good or bad news. I'm a fairly private and modest person. Once I had shared some exciting news (I learned that a serious illness was a misdiagnosis). I caught her split second immediate reaction and it was disappointment. Another instance was I had a minor car accident, upon seeing the car damage, her split second immediate reaction was a smile. Are micro expressions a thing?
hey there, I would say that micro expressions are a thing and vanish fast if they catch themselves at it.
I also had a car accident that I told my narc sister about, and she smiled! Then quickly stopped, and said, "Well, at least you weren't hurt, but you don't have collision insurance on your policy, so that's going to be one expensive repair." She likes it when I have trouble of any kind!
I believe micro expression is gods gift to us to start seeing through their terror. They give themselves away in the same way that they look for good people to use and abuse. They watch for our empathy and loving ways by watching our body expressions. What I have found though is that they can not read micro expressions like in the eyes and energy people give off. They have tried to gaslight me into thinking that can't happen, but it does because I can do it. This scares them. Keep reading micro expressions and every other signal they give off to avoid them if possible.
Yes. Look up Paul Ekman, he is the psychologist that is basically the founding father of research behind micro expressions.
I’ve caught my narc give me evil glances. It’s almost as if they’re demon possessed and, every now and then, the demon can’t help but relish whether accidentally seen or not.
They're very much a thing. Once you know what to look for, you can't miss them.
I'm the live in caregiver for my 93 year old narcissist grandmother. She makes sure she makes it personal when she verbally attacks me. The most painful thing she's ever said to me is "you're the worst thing God ever made". I'm not financially able to move or live on my own or I would have left a long time ago. My other family members are severely narcissistic as well so there is no one to help me. It's like a generational curse with these people. My Grandmother is proof narcissist never improve over time, they only become more venomous. 🐍 If I could tell my younger self anything, it would be RUN as fast and far away from narcissist people as you can. Don't get sucked into their life destroying quicksand!
As Dr. Ramani says around the 11.20 mark "Find a way to stay sane.."
I've begun listening to music that helps cheer up the atmosphere. Going physically away, even inside the house- just stepping into another room for a few moments to breathe, sometimes just lying down for a few minutes... And then because one has to return, assuming the role of a warrior in a tough posting.
Guard your heart
Find out what that means for you
Its tough when you may not have a confidante, to relapse into sharing a vital part of your soul with a person who doesn't cherish the intimacy.
Hopefully you know that you matter to your Creator
And are never forgotten
You have impacted my life, by articulating so well.. You write beautifully...
Your grandmother is wrong. Narcissists are the worst thing that God ever made (if there even is a God).
I hope you are OK Katherine, keep in touch with friends, walk in nature, maybe get into some care giving groups online ♥ I hope things improve for you
@@sgist7824 thank you. I appreciate your kind words. ❤
I hope you have or soon can find your way forward x
Thank you Dr. Ramani! Can you do a video on "Appropriate Reactions To Narcissist Enablers" to give scapegoats an idea of how to deal not only with narcissistic abusers, but also those who enable and create the very situations for the abuse to occur? This would be VERY HELPFUL. Thanks in advance!
Good Question!!!! I would find that very helpful too.
@@lynnmarieanderson1744 Thank you Lynn! Be encouraged and I hope that @Dr. Ramani responds. :-)
@@RavenStealstheNight Thank you! I agree and hope to be able to learn more. My mom is a huge enabler and I have grown to not trust her as she almost always sides with my abusive dad, even to the point of ignoring me completely and my family (her grandchildren). I always try to ensure that I am forgiving them, but want to be wise when dealing with them, if that makes sense.
@Sandra de Zeeuw Thank you so much! Be encouraged Sandra!
I too would find this REALLY helpful, I had to put the phone down yesterday on a friend who just did not get it , they were saying 'hmmm I am not sure its really like that' .... I tried to keep calm but had no real comeback and ended up just not being able to verbalise what I needed to for them to understand it really 'was like that' Nobody again will make me doubt my reality ... I have zero time for nonsense in my life after years with somebody who at the end of the day was full of only nonsense!
“Do not take it personally.” Noted. I have learned to not hate my narcissist, but to be indifferent. As in, “no hate, just caution.” I do not hate you, but I have to live without you. Is it painful? Yes, but it has to be done. I thank you for putting it into perspective.
Crystal Lackland Yes..... you matter and you have to survive. Get into new loving relationships
Well, it's about recognizing that a narcissist's abuse is really more about how damaged they are than about anything you said or did. Like a rabid dog will bite anyone, no matter who they are or what their intent is.
@@danielkaiser8971 But they aren't really salvageable.
extreme caution
@@danielkaiser8971 the fact that its them and not you doesnt help fully i mean they will infect you with their sickness it reminds me of like a parasite that gets into your brain
It was enlightening but sad. I wonder if I will ever get myself back. I have gone no contact and am exhausted. What a waste of precious time, money, and self.
You will get yourself back. Staying no contact is key and educate yourself on narcissists daily to make sense of it all. You will feel yourself come back by remembering what you were before getting wrapped up in them.
You will. Still stuck with my narc and as I learn more about them and myself I have reclaimed more of me back even though they are still present in my life daily. Decide to take back your power. Identify how they try to take it and hold your ground. You are the powerful one. If they were powerful in and of themselves they wouldn’t need us. You will make it back. Keep at it!
ABC, you will! The key is to take good care of yourself, good nutrition. Aerobic exercise because I found I was in such shock I wasn’t getting air to all my cells. Took up mountain biking and left chaos in the rear view mirror. Their choices are hard to believe. They are THEIR choices however, not ours. Dignity cannot be taken away from us
I am in a terrible situation I have young children and have to have contact with him, it is horrible because he must continue winning wheater it is a change of the meeting place or the time of the meeting. (i can not get RID of this horrible man ever and my heart is breaking) I am also exhausted and he has wasted my precious life,, I am stuck
For now, just rest. You will have the energy to think about getting yourself back after you rest. One day at a time, one hour at a time, or if you have to, one minute at a time. Be kind to yourself every day.
I took it all personally when it happened to me for over 25 years from all sorts of people so sad 😞 I wish I had this information back then. But I am hearing and healing know finally.
Listening to your videos is part of my daily schedule
Omg me tooooo
Same here
Second that
Dr. Ramani has helped me put one foot in front of the other since my walk away and "no contact" in November 2019.
Me too thank you Dr Ramani, your teachings are so so valuable and I am growing as a person daily because of you. You hit the spot every time. Would love to give something back to you, as you have given me so much!!
Dr Ramani, thank you. I was scapegoated in my family and I became a lifelong magnet to every narcissist ever. So, I was bullied at school, I was bullied at work, untill I got suicidal, hated myself, thought I was worthless, had no support from anyone, only gaslighting. I got diagnosed with depression and although I still haven't gotten to psychotherapy, medication helped, and I started searching for explanations and ways to help myself. That's how I came across your channel. I finnaly got my help and my answers, so I can proceed my healing. Today I feel like a much healthier person, and only a healthy person can help others. Thank you for being here for me and for all of us who feel helpless.
I recorded him once and he was SO mad that i did that. He knows how disgusting his outbursts were thats why.
I made that part of my interactions with my narc. It was a great way to get her to leave me alone!
I recorded mine at his worse when I was leaving so if I ever feel like I need to go back I listen to it
@@LizEarthAngel3 you know I wonder if cognitive dissonance is involved here. When we recall the narc's actions, do we get confused about our reponse? Like I have been told it is hard for us to remember our emotional states, unless it was extreme.
Ben Harris yes absolutely I went back in 2012 because I had forgotten the extreme, that’s why I did things like that this time, he was also charged with dv this time too, still very hard having children with him and remembering the good times because you don’t want to remember the bad, I have a counsellor she is really helping me with trauma bond etc
Me too I recorded this devil once, he immediately stop all rage and yelling! They know what they are doing ! They just intended to hurt u but then they can’t bear the cost that their madness is going to shown in public
The best thing it happened to me this year was bumping into this UA-cam channel. I feel like a navigated my life the dark. My mother is the biggest gaslighter now when I see any narcissistic behavior on her I just go to myself here we go, I just hang up and continue on with my life try not to let it affected me. Oh boy it is not easy.
The problem is when the narcissist is your mate, chosen when you thought they were a competent whole person. That moment of betrayal is what causes the personalizing moment.
I realized that the awful things my narcissistic parents told me all my life aren’t personal when I start growing and seeing that they didn’t do this only with me, but also with other family members and friendships outside family. They act all friendly and caring outside with others but then they talk badly about EVERYONE behind their backs. It’s disgusting. But thanks to your videos and my own self-awareness now I’m learning to say “fuck them” in my own mind and simply shut off my brain and don’t listen to their rants when they want to use me as their punching bag.
A therapist once said to me, regarding the relationship I had with one of the difficult people in my life....”the good news is that you’re in his inner circle, the bad news is that you’re in his inner circle.”
From a martial arts perspective, even when they choose to personally attack, it is possible for the martial artist to focus sideways in the moment, so that they don't react within the attacker's framework. Reacting from the attacker's point of view gives it power, while stepping sideways and focusing on something in the periphery of the attacker takes power away from the attack. I did this when given an ultimatum, because I couldn't do what the ultimatum giver wanted right in that moment. I calmly said, "I can't deal with this right now, but I can address it later. I have these others to help right now and I will help you when I finish with them." Then I turned my attention to my other friends. Then another person in the friend group gave the ultimatum giver undivided attention to talk her down. By turning sideways I kept my eye on my own priorities, and allowed someone else to step forward to give the crisis person attention. The person who stepped forward had the space to do so because they weren't dealing with multiple others.
This is it! The way to peace of mind and compassion. Thank you, Dr. Ramani.
Someone said that this is the most important thing a parent can teach their children: discernment. How to handle projections. I think we all need role models when it comes to this ability. You cannot take it out of the air, you have to see it and experience it. Love in action.
I imagine that I am in a bubble whenever I am around my narcissistic husband. I can make the bubble any size I want. Some days it's about 15 feet around. Nothing gets in my bubble that doesn't belong there, mostly whatever comes out of his mouth. I am not alone in my bubble. My Higher Power is always with me and I can call for reinforcements when I am feeling vulnerable. Dr. Ramani's voice of sanity reminds me to not engage and not personalize. I am also creating meaningful relationships that help when I am feeling overwhelmed. Thank you for this video and this forum!!!
Yours is a classic exercise in psychological protection that has worked for so many people. Also helpful is imagining your narcissist completely engulfed in white light while you are in your bubble, increasing the intensity of light tenfold, a hundredfold, until all the negativity is burned away, leaving only what is good behind.
@@danielkaiser8971 thank you for the additional imagery. I didn't know I was using a classic exercise....here I thought I had come up with it all on my own! 🙂
I love love love your approach. I will invite my Higher Power into my bubble, and be sending you gratitude from inside! 🔮(Closest thing I could find to a bubble, lol!)
@@miss_whipps me too. The only way to get through it.
I hope you’re staying for specific reasons otherwise leave I put yourself through a bubble in life.
My wife had two kinds of "friends". Her "aspirational" friends, usually a power couple, with high social standing... people she wanted to be seen like, and then her "service providers".
Thank you Dr Ramani. 💟🙏🏽🙏🏽
There's a narcissist in my family that has been causing so much mayhem lately, this video could not have come at a better time
It is unbelievable how one person can destroy a family
D.E.E.P.
Don’t...
Defend
Engage
Explain
Personalize
Yep. The bystanders shouldn't either because it feeds the narcissist when somebody is listening or defending.
That's a good acronym. But I'm a bit mischievous, so I'm going to remember it spelled backwards. "Peed". As in the pants. Don't do it. 🤣😜
Now you may never un-see it this way. My deed is done for the day. Ta-ta!
"Piece of furniture" and "cold blustery rain" really good imagery. Thank you.
They are just hurtful towards everyone who doesn’t bring value to them
They're never satisfied even after you give them everything you have. I think they only hurt the closest people who can't easily get away, like spouse, children, employees, or best friends.
@DrRamami Hi love the content please do a video about a narcassist who is an educator I'd love to your thoughts on it? I'm requesting this topic because of I'm a survivor of a narcassist educator.
just remember that it’s because they have issues that they can’t work through, not because you’re doing anything wrong!
Yeah, this is very difficult for me. I feel like I have aged 20 years in the past 10 years of this relationship. 🤦🏾♀️ I am very grateful for this channel and other similar channels in my healing journey.
It most definitely takes a toll on a person's mental, emotional and physical health. I completely hear you. Feel like I have aged so much in this "journey". We have to take care of, focus on, and make OURSELVES our priority whenever possible.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani! Yes, it makes sense that the narcissist is incapable of processing emotions like a healthy person can. Thanks for the two examples you gave. It’s sad that when a person expresses (in a nice way) of how they feel, they go from good to bad instantly in the mind of the narcissist. You cannot have a normal discussion with them.
Yup this happened to me when I told my friend that it hurts my feelings when she said she would rather get shit faced at the pub than hang out with me at my place.
This is few days after I invited over.
She acknowledge it was rude of her to say, but only after her boyfriend had pointed it out. She then went on about her social anxiety of new places. And how she didnt really know my sister or house mate who live with me. I assured her my house was safe and she could trust me.
I was a bit frustrated so I made a comparison to the pub and what to expect when she came over.
I explained it would be nice if she came to my house for once, instead of me coming to her. And that i wanted to dote on her for a change.
The whole conversation ended with her gaslighting me then blocking me. This was all over text. She's done this before and I never understood.
I'm happy to say even though it's only been two weeks , but I cut her off.
I'm so greatful to you Dr Ramani, your video came up on my feed like the day after this all happend. If I could hug through a screen I would
I think I get this now. I was trying to figure out how those things could be different. I'm in the position that I no longer deal with any of the most toxic people I ever knew. I feel freer than I ever have, but still so emotionally tired. I want to say, when I'm having a rough night at work, I can watch one of these videos, because they are perfectly timed for breaks, and I feel like I've had a real pep talk, and not something disingenuous and superficial. I have been feeling so much better because I found this channel.
Hats off to your dedication to the well being of your viewers! Giving us videos every single day in these troubling times 👏👍
Thank you for your videos.
I have learned not to personalise what my dad says to me anymore. I used to feel extremely hurt, but now my mind is on autopilot when conversating with my dad. I know his behaviour is terrible..but I don't take on his negative thoughts about me anymore. Those thoughts belong to him and have no justification.
My dad voices all of his negative opinions about others, and refuses to allow us to have ours. We get cut off for years if we express a single opinion that he doesn't like. My childhood was destroyed but it made me so much stronger.
if it wasn’t for my family and these videos, damn this healing process would suck, thank you Dr. Ramani for what you do, and giving us clarity
Can you discuss reactive abuse? What it is, how it hurts you-the victim, how to avoid it?
I think I had a small victory with this a few weekends ago. My husband, who has been giving me silent treatment for more than 2 months now (because I dared try to talk to him about his health and the fact that he is constantly irritable with me and our 3 small kids), made a really horrible comment in front of his parents and brother. It was aimed directly at me, and he even looked at me to see how I was going to react. He was talking to his brother about his brother's wife, and then said something to the effect that it must be nice if your wife actually loves you. I just looked right back, no emotion on my face, and turned back to his mother and continued our conversation. Even though it made me want to cry, I didn't give him the satisfaction of seeing me upset.
Peace ✌, happy weekend everyone!
Powerful advice Dr Ramani, Thank You!
When they gaslight or spew their vicious venom, it's not about you...Like water on a duck : let it roll off
Thank you, Doctor Ramani. Your videos have helped me heal so much. I'm so glad I found your work.
Having a narcissist in your life is an exhausting frustrating experience, daily, hourly. Not personalizing the insults and slights is key. It is about owning our realities, yes. Thank you.
Dr R Thank you for acknowledging the horror of having a Narcissist in your life. The affects are long lasting. Can you address practical ways to forgive urself for unknowingly allowing financial abuse and accepting that you will never be repaid? Thank you
You must not blame yourself for what you couldn't have known.
Everyday I wait for ur videos ❤️❤️ it’s a part of my regular task now
nafisa najnin 碧玉 Me too!
Yes me too . That is the first thing I watch It is like applying a balm on yr wounds
balwant kaur yeah balm on our wounds Nd she is someone who acknowledges our pains and what we r going through the whole lives which nobody didn’t understand Nd talked about before
My narc is unusual. He does A LOT around the house, cooks all the meals and makes all of the plans. Nightmare. Even more to hold against me.
my dad was like that...he begged me to clean my house until I gave in then would go to my friends' work to tell them he had to clean my house and how messy it was, but if I refused to let him clean it he would whine and complain for dazeeeeeeeee...ughhhh
Same as mine
So my question is - if nearly all Dr Ramani's videos are relevant to me in some way or another, does that mean I'm f*ucked? Am I screwed for life now? So I'm aware but continually repeat the same pattern in relationships, why am I not learning?
(and apologies for the profanity, it just felt like the quickest way to express)
I don’t think that you’re not learning. Dr. Armani helps provide us tools to survive the insanity that narcissists create. And it’s not that you are not learning-it’s that there are A LOT of narcissists in this society. If you look at the social structure for how certain countries run, it is inherent in the system by the way it treats its people just like how narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths can easily discard citizens while they hoard all of the wealth all to themselves and destroy the planet disregarding future generations to come. Most of these people will hide behind religiosity to pretend to be decent human beings when they’re hypocrites, and that’s how they recruit people in their indoctrination process of lies for financial gain and more profiteering by keeping abusive systems in place--through .compliance, conformity,_ and _consent. It’s not you, sincerely. It’s a pervasive, dysfunctional environment._
Amanda, It's a process that takes time. Be patient with yourself and keep educating yourself. It can be a confusing topic, but over time, begins to come together in understanding. I've been at it for several years now, and am just starting to feel I can handle anyone now, who tries to pull games with me.
It takes practice to get it right. And lots of rest and peace. And learning, and being kind to yourself. It may be that you need direct assistance like a therapist. I suspect most of us have used therapy, and many comments talk about how much time it takes. Some people even have to reach rock bottom before they discover something has been wrong all along. You're learning as you go. Be kind to yourself. Time and practice. And real life good friends, outside of any toxic environment so you can heal.
This is very useful. In CBT terms it has to do with the origin of false beliefs and how to challenge them and to disregard them, while at the same time acknowledging the pain caused just by the attack, in general. A natural response then becomes one of avoiding the other person and feeling pity for them, which leaves the victim an easier chance of walking away (though hurt and perhaps angry), rather than locked into a sense of hatred and powerlessness. Walking away does take power, so therefore if one walks away, one has power. I remember when I started teaching myself how to do this twenty years ago. It’s been really hard at times but it has made a difference. Your explanation is wonderful.
This propably works for covert narcs that just give nasty remarks from time to time but not the openly violent, psychopatic ones. A very much narc would start to terrorise the victims the very moment they wake up in the morning, until they fall sleep. To tell the victim ”don’t take it seriously” is like saying that to a victim of torture. Of course they stop reacting to it, but it doesn’t make it go away!
If someone is openly violent and psychopathic, it's a job for the police, not a psychologist.
Daniel Kaiser you clearly don’t know how these go, but are playing smart. You can’t say paychologist isn’t needed! You can’t say they don’t need therapy, or he victims don’t need. In many of these cases police can’t do anything. And most of the time they are makin remember that they can be violent - and they make the victims feel guilty about it. It’s their fault. I know someone who starts the day by yelling at his wife for one hour, who stupid she is. Just keeps repeating it non stop. A very narcissistic. ”Not take it in yourself” isn’t really applying in that situation eighter. Of course the victim understands it! But it’s not helping much.
Daniel Kaiser you clearly never have called the police for help with narcissist abuse. I have, many times! And it depends a lot from the country what day can do.
After 10 years I started doing something for me, I started yoga. Even him making fun of my yoga practice while I am practicing and after it just doesn't bother me anymore because I know now it's on him. Dr. Ramani you have led me to see what is real. And what I know to be real now is my feelings and my sanity. If I were to sum it all up in a smaller nutshell, over 10 years I feel like I have grown tremendously dealing with a covert narcissist and raising our kids. But I feel like he is still who he was 10 years ago. Talking about the same things, not taking any steps towards health care, can't hold a job more than 2 years, I don't do enough, any issue we have is my fault. Seeing your videos it has opened my eyes to his disorder and how it will never change. Your insight has saved my life.
I went no contact with my parents 5 years ago and whenever I feel angry at myself for self sabotaging or feeling helpless, I also feel anger at my parents because I blame them for raising me to be this way long time ago. I'm still trying to stop doing this.
It's absolutely not fair to be dealt your particular hand of cards, but I imagine most everyone around here understands exactly what you're feeling and thinking. For me, it was just a matter of getting tired of blaming my parents until it took too much effort to stay angry. Then it slowly started to wear off as I accepted my situation. And it definitely helped me to learn what to do instead, that is, to have some sort of plan for healing and taking care of myself in the ways I didn't have in my early years from my parents. That way, I could look forward into the future, I had something to move forward to.
Because looking backward while moving forward is not the best course of action for obvious reasons. Although it could be comical in retrospect. 😊❤ Best wishes to you and your healing process in life, now and always.
I think it's hard to not take it personally when you're the scapegoat and invisible child at the same time.
Linda B B; I know exactly how you feel because this happened to me also.
You should take it personally because they're choosing to do it to you.
Many times it's because they are envious and threatened of you because you have a lot of potential and they want to snuff it out!
Do not let them!
Love yourself more!
Choose you and let go of the Narcs.
you will never get their approval and they will always be out to sabotage you.
They get sadistic supply from ruining people's lives.
It's sick but it is the truth.
You need to work on yourself and change the way you do things.
Greyrock the Narcs until you can get away permanently and never go back!
Practice self-care.
Have boundaries!
Recognize abusive people and avoid them.
@@RavenStealstheNight they want to erode your self-esteem so that you won't have a chance at any success in life.
They get supply from seeing you unhappy.
Plan an escape and learn to reprogram yourself.
Have boundaries.
Work on your self worth.
Put your needs first!
Walk away from negative people.
Break the trauma bond and heal.
Recognize the signs of covert abusers.
Perfect your Greyrock technique.
Do not tolerate people who mistreat you or make you second guess yourself.
I think it's important to point out that children don't get the choice to stay or leave, they don't have much life experience to go off of, and that the advice of this video is going to be much more difficult for a child/teen/adolescent to follow than someone who has more life experience.
So yes, it is hard. But it is also better than nothing because you learn it earlier in life. Also there are older people here who can understand and maybe even offer a friendly exchange. Getting through difficult times ought not be done alone. And if ever you're in trouble, you might talk privately with a teacher or counselor at school, or someone who may be trained to respond.
Be kind to yourself at all times.
while i am sleeping my narc father will come into the room and play on my anxiety loud noises make me jump like today he kept dropping a hard object onto a table to see me jump from it, i’ve been crying because i knew if he visibly saw me jump it was just going to continue can someone please give me ANY advice, im going to university next year
BAM BAM BOOM, I would love to give you advice, but at best I can only tell you my story which relates to yours so that you know you are validated and heard.
I'm 50 now, but when I was a kid my mother did something similar to what your father is doing to you. When it was time for me to get up and get ready for early grade school, she would "startle" me awake.
She would get up early and have plenty of time to get ready herself. She knew it would take about 30 minutes or more for me to get ready, but she would deliberately wait until I had only 15 minutes and then startle me awake, almost yelling, saying she "let" me sleep as long as possible so "get up now!" She did it to be mean. I had no time to bathe, she forced my head inder the sink to wash my face and hair only (the part that people could see), and this was after pouring milk on dry cereal in a bowl saying she "cooked" my breakfast and forced me to eat the whole thing in only two or three minutes. Then she would have my clothes ready, but would yell at me saying I was deliberately stalling because I couldn't put on my clothes fast enough, and I often felt like vomiting the bowl of cereal I ate too fast. Then she yelled at me on the drive to school, or remained completely silent even when I got out of the car and told her "I love you", all because she resented the duties of motherhood. She wanted my day to be ruined because of her own bad mood.
It is awful and I feel your pain and frustration when you say your dad makes loud noises just to wake you up. The only thing I can suggest is to wait until a different part of the day and then catch him off guard like he does to you. Maybe in a quiet but respectful tone, when you have his attention, tell him that it makes you sad or frustrated when he makes loud noises, and just ask him if he would please stop doing it. And just wait for an answer. Don't argue or negotiate, just keep it simple and short and state only the facts on how it affects you. Then no matter what his reaction is, accept it and go off to do your own thing. The purpose is not to get an agreement or argue, but only to let him know how his actions make you feel and you would like for him to stop doing it. Once you have said it, there is nothing more to be done except give him time to process it on his own.
I hope you have found something helpful in my reply. You will need to find ways of taking it easy and soothing yourself (healthily, not destructively) when you are upset for any reason, as these are valuable adult skills. Be kind to yourself and I wish you all the best. 💜👍
I absolutely relate to what you are saying. This was one of my main lessons with the narc. It took me about 5 years to actually get this. Before I used to stretch myself into every direction to try and find a right way. One day I realized: There is no right way!
Dr. Ramini, it would be of great benefit to include ways to help us find our self worth in your healing video!
Once you realize it isn't about you... it is always about them... will do anything for ego hits at any cost!
This makes it much clearer. It always feels so personal because narcissists seem focussed on specific targets but appear so nice, friendly and caring to everyone else. Thank you for this content Dr Ramani!
Once in a while they loose IT, have seen it.
I actually always pray for my ex narc. He is only one who can want to get help and i was always boldly telling him what he was doing and told him he is a narc is the reason he feels all trapped in his mind 😢 it’s actually heartbreaking to see them suffer due to their own mind and most times they don’t realize it. I would have no idea how to counsel and help narcissist 🤷🏼♀️
Dr Romani, I’m very grateful that you’re coming out with a video on healing rituals. I’m requesting a video on how and in what ways a narcissistic relationship takes a toll on an ones physical health. This subject is personal and very important to me. Thank you.
Yes! It's like I can actually feel my body breaking down on a molecular level. I am dead serious. And beyond exhausted. For the life of me I do not understand why my cortisol levels aren't through the roof.
Same! I've been working a high stress job with the worst kind of rotating shift work, for the last decade. Combined with 8 yrs marriage to a narcissist (recently divorced now- yay!), my health took a major collapse. That is now my main focus to rebuild, along with my finances and home. All so much work when struggling with major exhaustion.
@@shelleykapp9637 Your cortisol levels may be low due to being over-used and worn out adrenal glands that can no longer up. That's what happened to me. Adrenal fatigue after years of perpetual high stress. Also I've learned that cortisol levels peak hours later in the day for people with ADHD/ADD than for those without.
They don’t love you - they love that you love them. They don’t hate you - they hate themselves.
Omg, I needed this. DR. RAMani yesssssssssssss, I'm exhausted. I have got to leave. Thank you so much for this
Once after what I considered “makeup sex” my ex was still angry, sulky, and the victim the next morning (he was the one who got caught having an affair). When I said, But what about last night? He said, YOU COULD HAVE BEEN ANYBODY. Wow, talk about nothing personal.
In 15 years we've never had "make up sex". We never make up. Lol
Thank you Dr. Ramani! Great explanation. A problem I have faced is hearing from people "don't take it personal" but without the important message of setting boundaries around the behaviors. So invalidating! First, get away from the person if I can. If not, put up a mental boundary around "their alternate reality" for my own sanity, and maintain as many healthy involvements that I can for balance and wellbeing! I needed to hear that today🌺🌺
Thankyou, as this 'reaction' was literally/or very similar to what I got a few weeks ago, for asking an (ex) narcissitic friend to talk a few things over. The analogy helps to see how the Narcissist would react in a similar way with anyone and puts the onus on them, releasing the blameshifting they attempt to put on you.
This hit hard to home. I’ve been trying to work on not taking things personally in general, struggling to find the remedy. Video came out at the perfect time!
Equal-opportunity offenders!!!!!!🤔🤔🤔😱😱😱
Social and financial wanna bees for sure. I have seen this right in front of my face for 22 yrs now.
I was lovely and patient when I met him, treat his kids with most care and empathy, after years of emotional abuse. Now he tells me ” I am the worst person to be with after I refuse to be Hoovered back in!” it's amazing how the narrative, always works in his favor! And he goes where wing below. Laugh at me when I was public insulted by his family and friends. (the fly monkeys ) And now he tells everyone how horrible I am towards him and his kids.
Not personalized this is the key to survive because no family and only a few friends I can really talk in my circle. Makes extremely difficult for me to recover!
Yes the 'devalue' after " How dare you express yourself as your own person!" (Narc's thoughts)
Ughh.My narcs toxic friends gaslighted me to hell. Every outing I had to look forward to his friends making me feel horrible and crazy.As if one person treating you like crap wasn't enough.
Che Che he doesn’t deserve you
Hang in there...make new friends, keep watching these videos. Your isolation will only last as long as it takes you to start rebuilding your own life, but beware because you are so vulnerable right now that it's easy for another narc to step in. You are lonely only because your time isn't filled with his constant demands. Fill your time with things you love and projects you want to accomplish for you and you'll start to feel better. And look at it this way: People who are willing to think badly about you are not your people. He helped you clean house. Get away from those people. I wish you healing and I'm sending you love and hugs. ❤❤❤
Glad you shared it here 💚