Setting BOUNDARIES with narcissists: everything YOU need to know
Вставка
- Опубліковано 25 гру 2024
- ORDER MY NYT BESTSELLING BOOK 📖 "IT'S NOT YOU"
smarturl.it/no...
JOIN MY HEALING PROGRAM
doctor-ramani....
JOIN THE DR. RAMANI NETWORK
www.drramanine...
GET INFO ABOUT MY UPCOMING PROGRAM FOR THERAPISTS
forms.gle/1RRU...
SIGN UP FOR MY MAILING LIST
forms.gle/Bv9G...
LISTEN TO MY NEW PODCAST "NAVIGATING NARCISSISM"
Apple Podcasts: podcasts.apple...
Spotify: open.spotify.c...
Stitcher: www.stitcher.c...
iHeart Radio: www.iheart.com...
DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
If you're offended by my boundaries, then you're probably the reason why I need them.
🎯🎯
I'll buy that for a dollar! I have narcissistic parents so I had an issue saying "no" took me many years (I am 56) of practice to actually be able to say it as in it's part of my boundary. No is a really big indicator of narcissists because they immediately counterpoint no as it's not an answer they ever accept unless they are the ones saying it the typical hypocritism of narcissists.
Quote of the day!
I'm writing that on my refridgerator.
Amen. I say No really well.
The biggest lesson for me was that I set the boundary for me. Healthy people respect your boundaries; unhealthy people won't, so instead of begging, persuading, arguing with them to honor your boundaries, you set the consequence and follow through. You can't force someone to respect you or treat you with dignity and civility but you can limit time with those who won't.
Beautifully said 👏
@Lizet that's the point of boundaries that this person was making. It's exactlly because you cannot stop what someone says about you behind your back or the rumours or lies they spread that you need your own boundaries and ability to stay healthy and true to yourself in action. Take a look at price Harry and the response of the royal family😏
Very well said..
@Regulus exactly!!!
I need to remind myself of this constantly because I’ll think engaging = “I will make them respect it!” When I’m just giving them the “drama” they claim they hate, when I’m asking yo be left alone.
I told my roommate what my boundary thar she isn’t to text me about my sceduale (that’s private, and I already told her what it was 3 times,) she will still ask me 3 times a week if I’m working or not or what’s going on. It weirds me out. I said text whenever but I can’t respond till x. Now she’s covertly asking/looking for loop holes. Ffs.
When I was growing up, boundaries were defined by my ability to stand up for myself when facing the bullies at school. Being raised by a narcissistic mother, it makes complete sense why I was never able to enforce a boundary, no one was around to teach me how,I was raised to be a door mat.
Same.
Same
I’m not sure what’s worse..
Having a narc mother made my boundaries become walls instead . I didn’t know the difference . Nice huh?!
I was raised with an NM and didn't know boundaries. Instead, I just built walls around me...not really letting anyone in. It's one extreme or to the other extreme. But I get the whole thing about being bullied at school because I was too.
Same.
The main reason we have trouble setting boundaries with them is because they do not ever accept the word no as an answer. They immediately counterpoint it to direct the conversation or the situation into their favor.
My brother told my mom back off or you won’t see me again and he held to that basically putting her in timeout for months at a time. Now he’s the golden child can do no wrong and never gets treated like trash. I’m a little jealous but mostly I’m proud. He’s broken the cycle. I tried to help him the best I could. I fought with my parents constantly so he could have a more peaceful life I would send him upstairs whenever they would start in on him and let them go after me but never him. He’s grown into a wonderful man and I couldn’t be more proud of the decisions he’s made and the person he’s molded himself into it’s amazing to see. Now I’m the one looking up to him and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
❤❤❤
@@SpookyBur I pray he appreciates you! You’re a wonderful sibling and you deserve the world🤍
What is a gray stone
Setting boundaries is not the same as them having to accept them. They will not accept them, that's what narcissism is. Only absolute consequences works.
When I told them “I said no and you just keep pushing me!” They said “I’m not pushing you! I’m trying to share my excitement!” No thanks!
If your excitement requires violating and subjugating me then I’m not on board.
I remember when I first tried to set boundaries with my covert narc mom. My brother came at me later and said “she’s violating you’re boundaries because she loves you! It’s toxic that you’re even trying to set them!” Cutting all of them out of my life was the best decision I’ve ever made!
And, I would respond that you were setting boundaries as an act of self love and care. 🌺
Hi. That's love we can all do without
Your brother is a flying monkey unfortunately
Good for you! I am working on it too.
Family is so hard to let go of, but if they are treating you poorly, you don't need them.
As much as I love this channel …I need a local support group for people traumatized by narcissistic abuse
Not sure where you live but maybe look for a celebrate recovery group?
@@HarryBarker-yp1xvwhat’s that? I googled but a movie came up…
@@HarryBarker-yp1xvcodependency is NOT the same thing
So do I
Let"s do it. I'm in.
The only way to set boundaries with narcissist is no contact - plain and simple!
DELETE ASAP. Don,t waist your Time and Energy with them. Life is to short for that 🧐
Block them for good.Be consistent with going no contact. Just concentrate on your well being and peaceful life. Never ever unblock them even for once. Every day, go for walks, spend time with positive friends Be strong 💝
I have a daughter who is married to a narcis ist as parents we have to keep our distance for peace our daughter thinks we are wrong
There’s a lot in that.
I wish it was that simple to go no contact
My rule of thumb:
Be very careful with your words or actions when confronting a narcissist. They despise psychological buzzwords and won't listen to you if you try to explain why their behaviour is hurting you. Plainly state your boundaries, resist their attempts to lure you into an argument and walk away/gray rock until they move onto someone else.
Knowledge and education is the key to heaven and paradise..I'm highly educated and intelligent I know my worth and value period !!! I know how to turture and beat the narcissists without uttering a word, remain cool , calm and collective!!! Don't ever engage , don't take the bait , don't justify, don't defend and don't personalize!!! Narcs have ruined billions lives in this universe !!! Narcissists can kill you without a gun!!!! I feel sorry for the people who are not educated on these toxic , delusional and vindictive people !!! I love and enjoy being alone until I find healthy , intelligent, like minded individuals ...I know for sure my worth I will never compromise my worth !!! Stay safe out there and take care of yourself !!!
Yes! I found the “don’t defend don’t explain don’t engage” I’m learning how to not go for the “bait” when the narcissist says or does something upsetting
Same here. I tried reasoning with my narcissistic mother that me and my siblings do know how to listen in early childhood and just teach her children how to be better listeners themselves. She refused, stating that, “children just naturally know listen by simply growing up”. I was emotionally drained after enduring her narcissistic rage and later learned from research that there is no reasoning with toxic people. This proved that she is toxic herself as I also learned that she a deceptor trying brainwash into becoming her servant for years. I then learned from Dr. Carter that she is a poor listener herself. That incident I had with her made me fear setting boundaries with her ever since.
@Regulus I am avoiding becoming those two things myself. My narcissistic mother has triangulated me and my family-enabling, narcissistic sister into the scapegoat/golden child roles. she is doing the same with my younger brothers I am learning and creating to not only to lead an extraordinary, but to end my toxic relationships with both my so called "mother and sister".
@Regulus No, just a fellow scapegoat of yours.😉
"Telling you to set boundaries with a narcissist is like telling you to jump in a cage with a tiger." Exactly.
A tiger would treat me better than my narcissistic dad!
The core truth is truly mind-blowing.
Defend thineself.
They just don't care about boundaries that YOU set. THEIR boundaries are another thing!😈
100% 😂
They have no boundaries at all and when you tell them your boundaries they say you are bookish.
@@YSL421 What do you mean "they say you are bookish"?
@@E.K.2003 it means when they say something you think is unethical then you are a bookish person means you are going literally by the book which is not necessary as per them.
@@YSL421 Thank you for the clarafication! They are going by their own book!
I love how not only can Dr. Ramani share this information with us but she also gives us examples of situations that she herself has been in to show us that she too knows what it feels to be in these situations.
She’s wonderful ❤!
I think the field of psychology is full of narcissists. My MIL was a total narcissist and a psychiatrist...
She's pretty amazing!!! Thank God for her understanding and love.
my therapist told me that when i feel guilty for setting boundaries it’s a sign that i’m doing the right thing. and to remind myself that a healthy person will respect my boundaries without negative feelings. they get angry because it’s a sign that they can no longer benefit from my lack of boundaries.
When I started setting boundaries, my husband agreed to them when they were set.... But when he wanted to cross the boundaries, the boundaries went right out the window and either twisted the words to suit his own purpose or decided that the boundaries weren't fair.... Just face it, the narscissist will never change .. they just become craftier or sneakier.... Use your ability to set the boundaries as a personal strengthening tool
I hope to God u left him😣
I’m dealing with a narcissistic mother. I finally set my boundary at almost 60 yrs old. I’ve been gaslit and the flying monkeys came out. She did the preemptive abandonment and then told everyone who will listen that I abandoned her. I’m healing thanks to you and your videos. Thank you for all you do.💜
I am 56 and I did too distanced myself from a narcissistic mother and enabling siblings. Extremely hard. Once my father became very sick, my mother assumes she got me back to tell me where to drive and do for her. It takes an extreme effort to set boundaries with people who walk through the boundary....
Can relate - and am in my early 50’s - it’s got hard but only just starting to define my boundaries - and there is a cold front - and possibly a storm - is building - but I can’t live under the fog of the first part of my life.
I'm 53 and just figuring this out with my 80 year old mom. I'm worried for her current partner who she is manipulating/abusing the same way she did my father. He has kids from his first marriage that help him, but they are very isolated where they live in the rural midwest. I wouldn't want to be trapped out there with her...My entirely guilt-based personality has me wanting to rescue someone lol...
I’ve been setting my steps up (3 yrs in the making) cuz i know exactly what both parents will do. I’m 39, Sep 25 ill be 40. I’ve set very strict boundaries with malignant NPD father & covert grandmother & soon covert mother. She keeps telling me lately “u’ve changed, something is going on, u need professional help.” I just say “coming from u? That’s a hell of a compliment” smile and leave.
If you dislike my boundaries then you are probably the one that caused me to create them
🎯
@@iameloho718a 10000%!!
"once you set boundaries and witness their reaction, you witness how dysfunctional the relationship is."
That explains why when I discarded the narcissist, I learned more about him than I knew in the six years of being married to him.
You setting boundaries not for the narcissist but for yourself. This point is such a gem!!!
For me, this is a more powerful way of approaching the subject.
I gave up on Dad respecting my boundaries, he doesn't give a hoot. His loss!
@@jackilynpyzocha662 Narcissists don't respect boundaries. On some level I thought I'd be able to change the narcissist in my life. I was so wrong. Once a narcissist's true colors shine through he/she is nothing more than a street fighter. It's hard to believe how terribly they act.
My 90 year old father is a narcissist. The first boundary I set with him was when I told him to stop calling me with toxic talk about family members. I actually gave him a list of topics that he could not talk to me about anymore. This enraged him. He called everyone to tell them about how terrible his daughter is and how devastated he was about how I was treating him. I avoided his calls for a long while and when I started to answer his calls again I would hang up if he began raging (he's very verbally abusive). I try not to engage with him but I have not forsaken him. He lives in a very posh residence, he gets the medical services he needs, I buy his groceries, pay his bills, manage his investments, do his taxes, etc. Nonetheless, he is never satisfied. It's a constant struggle because many people just don't understand how an old man can be so dangerous to a daughter's psyche. Thank you Dr. Ramani for these videos, they definitely help.
Why not go no contact?
Oh, I do! Completely.
@@Melly16yr10she's greedy and wants his money
❤😢 i didn't have my dad's number for a couple years because I deleted when I called his phone and he said with a yell "que quieres!!?" Nevermind dad... delete.
It was pounded into me as a child be nice be nice be nice. So it was difficult to be vocal about setting boundaries for myself later in life. I felt that I always had to be the peacemaker, the nice one, the one to smooth things over and not make a fuss. As a result, the narcs in my life knew that they could do what they wanted without consequence. Now, they are out of my life. Be nice be damned!
The last time I had to set a boundary was a few days ago when I stated undeniable facts and didn't give the toxic person the emotional response they were hoping for. I wanted to say so much more, but I just kept it cut and dry and to the point. Made me feel damn good!
My husband started getting frequent night calls, when I asked he just waved off those calls as unimportant. At some point i could take no more of his lies, I decided I deserve to know what was going on.
Someone on here referred me to this man who helped cloned his phone without physically touching it.. All I did was send his phone number to him and through a remote link sent to my email, I was able to access all of his, emails, Facebook and Instagram chats, real-time call listening and his long deleted messages as if the phone was physically with. He was a narc, a cheater and a terrible liar, l'm glad i found out all his secrets. Perhaps, yo u are in a similar situation and you need help you can get in touch with on Instagram 👆👆
This was a hard lesson for me to practice at first with my OCPD/Narcissist manager. I would be so frustrated inside, but sitting silently or with short, benign responses. I would want to express what was abusive about their treatment of me, but keeping it "cut and dry and to the point" is really everything. Now I regularly stay pleasantly aloof and professionally distant from them. I work on not taking their abuse personally. I let them sit in their own shame. It is non-stop efforts from them to work their way back in, but I try to be ghost.
Yup, be Spock, and if that doesn't work, be Surak!
i spent my whole life believing that i had no right to set boundaries and if i did, the risk was always that no one would love me. It is hardest with the people i cared about as I was so afraid of losing them if I didn't do everything they wanted. I am only learning now in my 50s that I have to set these boundaries for my own well being and protection.
My husband is so great. He once, as a joke, compared me to my mother. I want to stress that there was zero malice in what he said. It was a joke of association based on a peculiar taste in food. However, my mother is a narcissist and psychologically traumatized me through my childhood to protect her ego (there are some elevated circumstances due to some trauma I experienced as a late teen). And in that moment, even hearing it as a joke, being likened to my mother caused me to break down and cry. My husband was confused and initially defensive that I had been offended by such a frivolous-seeming joke. I then explained that it wasn't his joke that made me cry, it was the years of trauma at the hand of my mother, and that it wasn't his fault but that being compared to a person who has hurt me so badly feels like every wound is being reopened. My husband came over to me, hugged me, and promised he would never use my name and my mother's name in the same sentence ever again. ❤❤ He is awesome. He is a survivor of childhood abuse (physical), so he is trauma-informed and educated on these matters himself as well.
About oversharing, yeah, I am guilty. My inner child deserved more, better, protection, felt neglected. Now, I have promised her that I will only express her feelings around people who care about them, and only in situations where her feelings are relevant. It gets better with practice. I am bouncier when I tend to my inner child.
@@Bee-qc9id Kind words, thanks. Inner child work is really cheap, efficient and gentle.
@@Bee-qc9id Some of what you say also echos the clips on attachment theory. I recently found a piece of my puzzle there - good luck, namaste!
@NolaCaffey Great words! I need to paste this somewhere.
In the Arab societies traditional marriage is a common and a normal thing. When I met my narcissistic friend (I met her two cousins first and they were nice so I assumed she is a kind person too) then she started to insist that I get engaged to her cousin, she kept saying they are the perfect family and how he is an amazing guy but my gut feeling was warning me something is off. She sent him for engagement twice 😂 but my parents said a big "no". Now I understand that she wanted to add me as a narcissistic supply in the family, she discarded me eventually and I take it as compliment , these people are crazy and disturbed.
💯💯💯huge problem
You are very Lucky
@@kamilathassen7276 I'm so lucky, but I should thank my parents too for standing their ground.
@@user-ce6dp4mi7v great parents. Who is she she wants to decide who you should get married too so that she control you and her cousin.. 😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳
So glad your parents said NO
After being in a relationship for over 3 years with a narcissist, I really don't care what other people think. That relationship changed me
Proverbs:
16:28 "An evil man sows strife; gossip separates the best of friends."
21:10 "Evil people desire evil; their neighbors get no mercy from them."
Narcs love bomb you to learn your flaws, secrets and insecurities, then use them against you. My ex hates rules, loves chaos, hates rules and boundaries, couldn't be trusted with money- keeping the family in chaos, and told me I was trying to control him. I'm so glad he found someone else, and was so happy to divorce him.
My ex psycho didn't respect my boundaries during the relationship right to the bitter end. When we were packing our stuff after selling our house. I was going through boxes to take what belongs to me, she told me she wants to be there to sort it out together. I respected her so I waited. One day I went out when I got back all my stuff were in bags and my drawers empty. I was pissed, I told her don't you have enough of your own things to pack. The reason she did that was to take what she wanted without me knowing, for example she took one of my leather jackets and jewelry and a mug that's sentimental to me, that's just to name few. The most valuable thing to me that I couldn't find and I believe she threw it out because that's how evil she is, was an ink print I made of my dog's paw (that's irreplaceable) before he died, so I can get it tattooed. THAT BROKE MY HEART.
Wow smh sad…
I'm sorry you experienced that. Mine insisted after the divorce that I provide an inventory of EVERYTHING I was going to take -- every piece of jewelry in my box, every book title -- and he was in the house; I wasn't. A list was impossible. So the attorneys were fighting over that. He insisted that he had to be there when I went to pick up, and he wanted to begin packing it for me. After thinking about it, I decided that I would rather walk away from everything, and I mean everything, than continue. He essentially set me free. Sure, I regret so many items left behind, but if my house burned down, I wouldn't have those things. And metaphorically my house burned down. So I am homeless, on social aid, and happy. He, on the other hand, is still mired in memories of me, focus on me, and he's alone. But that's not my problem, is it? Because I am finally free. 😄
Kinda same here, which is why I'm here now. NPD Landlady stole my Christmas decor box from my storage unit next door to her property (long story about how that occurred). It's been nearly 8 years. No replacement can be made because much of the contents of that box were sentimental items that my mom gave me & my kids over the period of decades. The anniversary of my dear momma passing was 12 years ago yesterday.
@@mgb7140 Brave and empowered choice. Good on you!
I prepared beforehand for this situation by renting a storage unit a year in advance and quietly moving my irreplaceable keepsakes there . Leaving a narcissist is something you need to prepare for. Timing is everything. If you do it impulsively you will either get hovered back in or get taken advantage of. Know what you are dealing with and get your ducks in a row first … this is my 3rd and final time leaving.
I don't feel guilty anymore for setting boundaries to protect myself bc they don't admit or see thier toxic behaviors.
Me either momma
Neither do i. As a child of both parents with NPD disorder, as SOON as i feel that they are, i end it. Immediately. I do not care who it is.
Ironically, I think some toxic people use boundaries to be controlling. It's convenient because they can guilt you if you don't behave the way they want you to. I've seen people use supposed boundaries to shut down other people expressing their feelings or trying to work through conflict. It's important to remember that boundaries can be unhealthy. They're not to control others, they're to manage yourself. It's not about what they're not allowed to do, it's about informing the other party what they can expect if they cross the line. It's about showing others that we value ourselves enough to not be manipulated.
I'd argue that boundaries that are not clear, specific, or tied to a specific consequence you will enact, are not boundaries at all.
Underrated comment right here. Example:
it's my boundary that I want to be treated nice and with respect like I am loved and you want to be around what's wrong with that?
Every time you try to see friends or family for years you get accused that you don't love her enough to want to respect the fact that if you wanted to be there with her instead of seeing any friends or family despite the fact that she doesn't want to come with because everyone you know has also "crossed her boundaries" so it would only make sense for you to stay home in order to not cross her boundaries even if you have to miss birthdays and events you will never get back just to spend that extra little time to show you lover her. And phone calls? You can forget about that to because talking on the phone and not trying to show her you are actively trying to "love her and treat her right" is a clear sign of over stepping boundaries. And you can also forget about setting any boundaries of your own as that will over step her boundary of being loved and respected. Damn me for being so narcissistic and doing everything I can for this woman I should just stop overstepping her boundaries!
Perfectly said...you can 'boundry' yourself out of a family., marriage , relationship l. Therapists should be teaching conflict resolution.
i think the tell is when they compromise their "boundaries" for their own ends even if the boundaries were supposedly high and mighty set in stone and something they believe in wholeheartedly but are then willing to forgo if it will get them what they want immediately. then of course when the moment has passed they go right back to enforcing that boundary and woe betide you if You were to cross that boundary but they can cross it when they like and any of yours aswell as if they have no compunction about crossing their own boundaries then then have little to no qualms about crossing any of yours.
I'm 21 years old and I've finally accepted that moving out of my narcissistic family is the only way to start enforcing serious boundaries. I'm planning to move out this year and I'm NOT sharing that sensitive information with them until I've already secured an apartment and have the keys in my pocket.
Trying to set boundaries with my narcissistic family feels like war. A lot of the times they'll fight me on the smallest of boundaries which are basic human rights of privacy and respect. At times they'll pretend to "respect" my boundaries only for them to disrespect them the next day. This manipulation tactic of pretending to respect my boundaries then crossing those boundaries without hesitation the next day, makes me feel so invalidated , unseen and unheard.
I've had enough of it and I'm tried of begging to be treated with respect and compassion. That's literally the bare minimum of being a decent human being.
Yes, getting out will help greatly. Leaving home is a very important step in life. 😁
Very smart keeping the move a secret until the deal is done. You can play aloof with them if they try to shame you for it afterwards. Act like you forgot their texts, calls, or didn't hear them or that you were busy doing something really boring like laundry, dishes, working, the dentist, doing taxes, whatever it is, lol. For you recognizing this at 21 years old I will say, as a complete stranger, I am proud of you for focusing on your health. I hope you heal, can get a therapy on a sliding-scale, and move forward with the life you want to live. This is your life, not anyone else's, and it is completely normal to think for yourself and live the life that is healthiest for you.
@@jmfs3497 Thank you so much for sharing such sincere and thoughtful words. You really made my day, I truly appreciate the empathy and wisdom in your words. Thank you! ❤️
Yes! You are Ahead of the Game! I wish I knew All about Narc family at 21.
Please Continue to Protect yourself when you go out into the World.
When I Left Home…. I Ran STRAIGHT into the SAME Narc Abuse Dynamic Systems but they were disguised in different forms.
✨ You are Worthy and Deserve to Be Treated Well & How you want to be Treated.
@@Seraphim7 Thank you so much. This is so sweet and truly warms my heart and encourages me to keep moving forward. ♥️
0:10 My response: "My life, my rules. Don't like it, leave".
Personally I find people too accommodating. You get what you give when you interact with me. The average person finds me extremely agreeable/helpful. The pathological person finds me stubborn, nasty, and vindictive. I try honey first & then move right on to fly poison
Excellent!!
🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼
Right! Lol! My narc ex called me cruel& evil when i told him the truth! He much preferred lies!
🤣🤣🤣
My mom was constantly complaining and forcing me to listen to her stories about how my father was the bad guy in their relationship. I was begging her to stop, she wouldn't. I had to hang up the phone to make it stop, and then I turned the bad girl. One day I was at my parents' house with my dad, who was suffering from cancer, and he told me : "when you'll leave the house it will be hell here". I answered kindly I didn't want to take sides between my mother and him. And HE has respected that, til his death. That made me realize how toxic she was. And I realised, too late, that I was so tired of my mother's behaviour that I had set distance with the whole family, and at a time when my father needed to talk, and he was ready to open up, I didn't listen to him. It breaks my heart 💔
I'm nearly four months with no contact with my narcissistic mother, I've cut communication with my minion dad and two brothers also !! I'll never go back . We have a huge extended family and many of them are ignoring me and some have told me to make things right with ur poor mother !! She's always the victim, I'm happy, free , peaceful, grateful, they will come after me , cause I've heard some of their plan , I think I'm able to stand before them and be calm and without explaining myself . I have watched all ur videos and have read ur books . Thank you for teaching us !!
Love this for you 😉😘
Good for you! Stay strong 💗
Hang in there. I went no contact 30 yrs ago.
Most powerful boundary we have is not to engage with someone who is not good for us. Best piece of advice Dr Ramani.❤
This is foundational video for understanding and managing all interpersonal relations, including narcisism. It should be used in schools.
"The greatest trick the devil ever played was convincing people that he didn't exist"!!!!!!!!!!
Coming across your videos has saved me. I have spent years trying to understand why certain people in my life act the way they do and carrying a huge amount of guilt that I could not change things (particularly me). This shift of consciousness has freed me from all the unnecessary guilt and pain. Thank you
I recently traveled to visit my elderly mother for the first time in several years. Despite being better equipped in adulthood the entire visit was an intensified replay of the enmeshment, gaslighting, victimhood, triangulation, force feeding and many other controlling behaviors I'd experienced during childhood and since (albeit from a safer distance). Aging not only had not improved but seemed only to have exacerbated the childishness and escalated her manipulative tactics. I endured this all knowing it might well be our final visit~due to my own health challenges as much as to her age. But after demeaning my older bro to me, then sick shaming me in front of my own daughter (who also saved and paid her own way) it threatened our relationship altogether. But rather than risk a confrontation, I waited until home to write an affectionate email, then closed by simply asking to avoid these topics in future. Never goes well from there! The epic rant that followed deployed the full arsenal~from defensive rage, gaslighting denials and pleas for her "fragile" health to bitter shaming "When my parents were alive, there was no such thing as 'boundaries!'" (clearly lol) and finally the usual extortion or attempts to extract an apology. Thus *strongly* discourage those adult children recovering from NPD parental abuse, control or neglect from attempting any prolonged periods of in-person contact (72 hours proved our limit..) while a guest or back on the toxic territory of a now aging NPD parent.. it doesn't get any better! Thank you Dr Ramani for the many helpful strategies you've offered re these confusing and painful relationships.
They looooove coercive control and then deny it and blame you.
Hi Dr. Ramini. I’ve set my boundaries from 2 of the worst Narcissists. They are cruel, cowardly, total lack of empathy, I could type all day. They are so cruel and pitiful, especially to a senior man like myself. I listen to you every day. Keep up the good work 😊.
Sending you strength; I hope you meet some genuine people over time.
My ex exploded "You've become like an unbridled horse!" when I started asserting my own interests, mores, preferences, and values towards the end of our marriage. The last straw was when I refused to convert to yet another religion and adopt yet another new lifestyle and set of morals and beliefs for her. I thought that summed up what the relationship was about in her mind. Not love, not respect, not mutuality, not give-and-take. Nope. It was all about control. Saying "that's you and this as me" was unacceptable.
It’s interesting how she wanted to “harness”you-your energy, your choices, your autonomy as a human being. I have grappled with this enmeshment myself. Run like the wind!🐎
She wanted to put a bit back into your mouth and ride you until you were lame and shot no doubt. She didn't want a bucking bronco!
My ex cultivated different religions too. He loved all the attention of the conversion process, but afterward, disliked the rules and look for another. He also looked for those where he was given power and authority, and left if he didn't get it.
Very telling. You should never be a trained and restrained animal.
My dad told me to stop asking for money, that he felt I only connectrd with him & mom because of money. So, I did (listened to his boundary). But then, he got all pissy because I wasn't going to family events (they would only want me or connect with me on family holidays). I suggested in the past to connect outside if family events (because holidays give me anxiety). My dad even said, 'you have all these "rules"...' which proves toxic people see boundaries as rules or barriers to not getting gull access to you, to getting what they want.
This really resonates with me. Went through something similar with a close friend of many decades last week. This past year, as I've listened to Dr Ramani's vids every day, I've been setting boundaries. And last week I asked my friend to treat my nervous cat in a specific way (house rule) and he balked. "You have a lot of rules, and I don't have to follow all of them." It took me a few minutes to realize he meant my boundaries. To him, there was no difference between a boundary and a house rule. Mind blown. Add to that the HE is denying ME the right to set a rule in my own home? Um, I don't think so, bud. I've reached the point where my reaction is fine, you are no longer welcome in my home.
somehow I feel like your dad was also setting his boundaries by asking you to stop asking them for money. just my two cents worth
@@wambuialice957 you didn't read the post through. The OP did listen to this boundary and respected it. The father though got angry that the OP had boundaries too. Narcs cannot do equity or reciprocity.
I have experieced narc. abuse from two husbands and now a younger family member, and I recognise the signs (either immediately or it dawns on me).
Some of these comments make me squirm. How many boundaries are a sign of healthy self-respect? Setting boundaries in a conscientious, enthusiastic manner in all manner of settings can be an indication of needing to control. I have met people who do this and it had a coldness...I wanted to run.
@Mama Bush I agree, at the heart of a Narcissist you have a hypocrite. 'One rule for me and another for thee'.
It seems that they want everyone else to be punished all the time for the slightest thing but they want to endlessly get off the hook themselves. They can give it and dish it out but they can't take it themselves. They wouldn't be able to cope with their own treatment of others for more than a few seconds and yet they expect us to endure it for decades. They are huge cowards and despite the puffed up nature of the grandiosity, they are as vulnerable as sheet glass. Any micro gesture to suggest they aren't godlike and they shatter into a million tiny pieces.
It is true that only no contact works as it is impossible to win with them as they are so perennially bitter and dissatisfied. You also get caught up in the crazy making of the gaslighting and goalpost moving. Some call them 'hungry ghosts', I call them 'black holes of need'.
The problem is that the world is full to the brim of these types. There seems to be about 1-2 of them per every nuclear family so multiply that to the world's population.
Personally, I have 1) cut ties with all the narcs in my friendship circle
2) gone self employed so I don't have to work for/with them
3) vowed never to date one and would rather stay single
4) have strong boundaries with families who are narcs
5) any new people in my life, I take my time getting to know them and put boundaries in straight away. Even one sign of them being a Narc and I immediately go no contact.
Other than this I make sure to have non-narcs in my life and also make sure I don't spend a lot of my time thinking about them and get on with my life.
I have wasted so much time on these insane people that I have a very low tolerance for them now. I manage the few narcs I have left at a distance and take regular breaks from them and do not allow any new narcs in my life. The policy for me now is 'one narc red flag and you're out of my life'.
A red flag is always a boundary violation and a test from them to see if they can abuse you. Disagreements often happen in life but if a person tries to abuse you then that is completely different. If they try to abuse you even once then that is a relationship of inevitable harm and can only get worse with time.
has the topic of “Overcoming your narcissism while healing from narcissism?” ever been discussed? The concept is very fascinating to me as I believe I do struggle with some narcissistic characteristics as the result of learning it in childhood. It seems almost an unaddressed topic and is obviously an insidious cycle that has allowed narcissism to flourish. We know that narcissistic people learn these behaviors somewhere either at home, society, school, work, etc. You’ve said many times that people who experience narcissistic abuse do have the likelihood to become narcissistic themselves. How and when can we most impactfully intervene to change this negative outcome and break the cycle?
Have you checked out Dr Carter? He says that if you lay with dogs, don't be surprised if you get fleas! Keep searching, it isn't uncommon and it's a great question to be asking!
I was the scapegoat, my brother the golden child, I am the empathetic, he has narcissist traits, wondering if that's normal.
@@crystalmorrison1539 here too
Here too!
This IS a good topic. What has worked for me outside of getting therapy is what you are already doing, which is reflecting on your own healthy personality needs. I try to identify ONE area of my personality that I feel is unhealthy, like Shame for instance, and I just let myself observe how often I feel that feeling or behavior. For many of us these traits are PTSD from having to navigate someone else's personality disorder, not signs of having a personality disorder itself. The fact that we take the time to reflect on our personal mental health and how it affects others is a very healthy sign. For me Grey Rocking toxic people became a very healthy tool to giving myself pause when I myself feel internally toxic. Good question and good luck!
I had to set a boundary with my nephew. He wanted to get out of his house because his family had a stomach bug going around, and he wanted to escape to my dad's house. My older sister asked on his behalf, and I had to say no. He wasn't thinking about me or my elderly father getting that bug. He only cared that HE didn't get it. My father has a chronic illness that could be exacerbated by a stomach bug,but my nephew was only worried about himself. He gets this from his parents.
It was hard to tell him no because he was genuinely afraid of what he was seeing at home, but my older sister and oldest nephew had been at the house the day before. My sister brought my sick niece to me for care. My sister had the stomach bug also. My oldest nephew seemed fine, but had to leave school the next day because he was infected and wasn't aware of it yet. I had to sanitize everything they touched, and they went everywhere on the first floor🙄
I had to disinfect the bathrooms they used so my father didn't get this highly contagious bug they all have. To add insult to injury, my older sister said she would have to skip my younger nephew's game that night because she didn't want to risk spreading her "cooties" to strangers at the school, but she felt like it was perfectly fine to bring them to my father's house where I'm providing him care for a chronic illness🙄🙄🙄
Narcissistic people are the worst.
The difficulty with setting boundaries with narcissists is following through on the consequences. Boundaries are meaningless is you aren’t going to enforce them especially with a narcissist
I set a boundary and enforced it with my sister, I would not attend her daughter's birthday party on Christmas eve where we weren't allowed to mention Christmas. Her daughter was an adult, I'd spent 22 years doing that and I had young children. Within a month she and her daughters had started spreading terrible lies about my son.
I couldn't ignore her attacking my child and I ended our relationship. Narcissists cannot handle even the most minor of boundaries ime.
Boundaries are more like challenges to my parents that they feel they need to overcome at first opportunity
This is so good. I set firm boundaries with my h. No yelling. He’s got a trigger temper. No touching without permission. He’s very grabby. No entering my room without permission. He likes to barge in/through doors to fight pick. These were set up with my counselor for my safety. H is convinced it’s to punish him. He doesn’t believe he’s done anything bad enough to deserve such treatment. Including multiple affairs that he openly brags to me about. Last boundary? If he EVER screams in my face again my attorney already has my retainer. So he’s been ‘good’ for the last few months. It took the face slap of divorce to acquire decent behavior but that is all it is. Just behavior mod. Nothing has changed.
Why stay if he's had multiple affaurs?
I'm in the situation of letting a narcissist and certain family members think that the narcissist and I are reconciling, for the sake of family unity. But we're not really reconciled. I now know that none of these people will never change, so what is the point of discussing issues, and announcing boundaries with anyone? Nevertheless, I am attempting to set secret boundaries. For the narcissist there will always be a reason why we can't get together, we will never ever be alone together, I will never follow them on social media, I will never again trust them with a confidence, I will never be their ally. For the enablers, I will never discuss the narcissist with them, or share private information with them.
Yep P.W. I don't tell them anything and I barely talk with narcs.
exactly the same here. Good and important strategy, and the only strategy that will work.
Amen !
Your strategy doesn't make much sense. It kinda sounds more like a reversal of who really is the narcissist. If you're pretending you're reconciling with someone, you're fooling that person yourself. Now, who would do that to send a message to others? The narcissist. You're saying you're setting secret boundaries, but what boundaries are these if they're ''secret''? A boundary is a clear limit set straight with someone. If you are directly or indirectly lying about it, it's called deceiving. Why do you even care about what the narcissist and the family members that are enablers think? The whole strategy you seem to be creating requires you to put yourself in the unhealthy situation in the first place, the same you're saying you're trying to get away from. Maybe it's an ill-advised good attempt of overcoming it, but there is also a primitive defense in Psychology called projection. What you see in others might say more about you than about them. In fact, if you are really letting the narcissist and family members think you are reconciling, you're enabling them yourself. That's exactly what the narcissist would want you to do - create a good image of them and of you two to others.
Boundaries establish where I am separate from anyone else. This is why codependency is so difficult-deciding where I am, where I start and stop vs blurring that distinction.
I am a survivor of Narcissistic Parents - Boundaries are usually misused by the narcissist. When you set boundaries with the Narcissist they disrespect you or disregard them. It’s so frustrating.
Can you tell me how, as a grandmother, how can I help my grandchildren? What’s something you wish other adults in your life could have done to help you cope?
@@mariannepeacock3015 Validate my feelings. My narc father gaslit me my whole life and I can't trust myself. Empower them and build them up.
My Narc father keeps calling my boundaries "ultimatums"... "Do this or else" is not the same as "Speak to me respectfully or I'm hanging up."
@@jessy2648 ohhhh thank you…it make me cry seeing the damage inflicted on those beautiful children…I will do as you requested Wholeheartedly xoxo thank you
@@mariannepeacock3015 I would have given anything for other adults to have a frank discussion with my parents about the way they treated me. Of course, back in the 60s, the unspoken social rule was don't interfere, look the other way, byob. Now, as an adult, I learned that other adults at the time knew that I was being abused emotionally and feel alot of guilt about keeping quiet.
Wow!! As a young adult I used to say children were not to be seen or heard in my house growing up. Now well post middle age I realize what a red flag that was.
This is so true. I was never taught to say no or have body autonomy, which put me into difficult sexual situations as well as other abuse. And when I started educating myself and standing up for myself in my marriage, he couldn't cope at all and called me controlling at the end! Absurdly, when I asked for examples, he said that I choose all the gifts and decor in the house etc - 2 issues that I often asked for his input and help with! So weird and mind boggling
16:30 They’re NOT able to navigate around *boundaries* 🤦🏾♂️🚫 They want to engage however they want to without any accountability!
Setting boundaries for me makes me feel good, in the past I would not set boundaries then I would get mad at myself.
Tracy I feel amazing for setting boundaries.
Just found out my narcissist copartner at work is not retiring as expected. The nightmare continues. How I been dealing with her is: im not my authentic self with her, i stroke her ego, that keep her from harming me, don't tell her any secrets, don't gossip with her I change the subject, pick my battles wisely so I'm strict with certain boundaries regardless of outcome and she does escalate but it makes her look crazy, little stuff I let go, and i do not under sny circumstances go out with her outside of work. She wznted to room with me for an out of town training that was a big fat no! I cant tolerate her past 8 hours. .
Yikes, stroking their ego is giving them the supply they want.
Good for you! Make sure to keep detailed records of your personal and professional interactions with her!
This video hits the nail on the head with my narcissist. My terminally ill, drug and alcohol addicted sister has been attacking me for years. I've cut her off many times throughout the years but now that she's dying of cancer I want to be close to her and busting my butt to be there for her, like I always have but she is loving one moment and vicious and hateful the next. She has managed to turn some of my life long friends against me with her vicious, bitter, hateful vitriol. I have cut her off as of now but it hurts me to the bone that she is doing this to me in her last days. We've been so close off and on throughout our lives. I don't know how to handle this and it's triggering all of my negative childhood traumas.
I'm sorry for your pain. Keep listening to the doc.
Radical acceptance of what is. Sometimes, you just have to make peace with yourself and send your sister loving thoughts but stay away physically if it is triggering traumatic memories. You can love her from far away. This is what I have to practice with my mother.
If your sister suddenly changed and was not actively abusive then maybe it would be possible for you not to be triggered. But when the abuse is still on and off- you take care of you. Nobody else will. And your body remembers trauma.
Not to sound heartless, dying process doesn't excuse your sister's behavior. Please see the grief and trauma counselor. It will help you with the gilt and acceptance of what is. Much love to you.
I've worked in hospitals many years, and found that it often makes dynamics worse, and the narcissist's behavior is much worse, not better. They desperately work ALL their games, especially if it is them I'll or dying.
Oh man that is especially difficult. I have guilt about not being receptive when my father reached out after decades of being AWOL. Now I live in constant fear of people dying before I can patch things up with them. So I let my boundaries slide, because it's not worth fighting over
Yes so true.I have been in many volunteer organisations and then found I was exhausted and mistrusted
I am over it
As I think about this video, for me, it is a strong moral compass, it is my values. Because I am a very deep thinking and analytical type of person with strong empathy (INFJ) I realized that I have been setting boundaries for a very long time, and it has been successful, but the one thing I do see is when a person is more similar to my personality type, you're going to have a million boundaries, and this is where you start to learn about your own personal growth in comparison to a narcissist personal growth.
Yes, you can see balance between one person and another, or within a group, but it would definitely be nice not to have to always make it known that you will not compromise your values, and then it's still a struggle, because as you increase in those values, the other person does just enough, which is good that there's improvement in comparison to what they were, but the desire to progress is nearly non-existent, and the progression will never catch up to how they should be for their age.
So in other words, if you are with somebody who does not have the desire to increase in whatever capacity you would like to see them increase in, such as knowledge, career, hobbies, spirituality, cooking, or increasing the knowledge they already have in a certain area to improve upon, then this is going to be a very tough road for you, because a narcissist would prefer not to have to do the work to grow up, because it is a very painful process for them, and a process that will be painful for you to watch.
The narcissists will say, It's never enough for you, and in your mind you will begin to think, why do they not want to improve, why do they not want to grow up? And then you begin to see that you will hold more of the responsibility of keeping the family together, or whatever else, because they are willing to leave the burden upon your shoulders, until they absolutely are forced to do something, and even then it will be a very minimal amount that they are going to do, while considering you a burden.
You will get tired of trying to uphold all of those boundaries, and so will the narcissist, because even if it's realistic for normal people, it is not realistic for them, which is even more frustrating to watch.
Most of us who find these type of videos, or information in another format, did not realize they were dealing with narcissism, maybe you thought you were dealing with autism, or someone who is shy, someone who is confident, ect.and then when he finally figure it out, you will also find you are already dealing with a lot of different components in the relationship once you figure it out, such as you might find your married with children, sick, financially strapped, or other, making it about timing and planning, so you can make better.
If you are someone who just entered into this situation and have no strings attached, I would highly recommend you reconsider, and not further your relationship with this person.
Ty for sharing this is what is happening to me but I awoke a few weeks ago and I am navigating through all this... I will see this through and get out.
The parenting that I needed.
Thank u dr. Ramani for helping me find my voice. You changed my life.
Same ❤️
I know of a workplace narcissist that I met recently. First thing he tells me once we're alone, nobody around is that guys only get into our business to put their hands on women. It's a good thing I have self control cause I wanted to hurt him the moment he said that. I only got into this business to help people the way someone helped me. But it was fun to see how flustered he'd get when you correct him or tease him.
My parents have gotten SO BAD about this and is why I will not be around them. They BROKE INTO MY HOUSE ONCE and thought it was perfectly fine. I am the child and don’t deserve boundaries.
I had to step away, it was too much work to keep my Boundaries.
It’s so much Stress, to hold on to the Boundary..
Impossible, I QUIT!
OMG my narcs favorite phrase is either “rules are just a suggestion” or “rules apply to other people” . . . 😮 Dr. Ramani, I pray for wisdom and discernment daily. ..I’d say my prayer was answered today with this video. WOW talk about trying to drink from a fire hose. . .you are such a blessing. Thank you.❤
Wow!, am just realising my partner of 16 years was a narcissist - and he actually did say that roadlines are "just a guide".
Love hearing the “bell” notifying me of a new video from you!
The trade off feels slightly better if it’s your boundaries your respecting than their toxic behaviors
It's interesting you brought up Me Too. It's equality and anti abuse movements like this that bring out the anger in the narcissists. They always tell on themselves.
Thank u for all ur videos because as a child of both narc parents (one covert one malignant) and i have been working so so hard on myself because all i attracted in life as an empath, were narcissists! As soon as i sense the person (potential boyfriend, friend) I leave. I do make sure, politely, that I see through them & then of course they either insult or “oh my God u’re so sensitive it was just a joke.” And then I just smirk and walk away or block.
It took me a long time to realize that it was projection. My older sister was manipulating. She gaslighted. Accused me of being insecure, easily threatened, controlling, jealous… my thoughts spun when she was around…confusion abounded…once I got her out of my life it all stopped…when I have to see her I go grey rock…I don’t engage…now I have peace…she was not worth the stress…
i spent my whole life believing that i had no right to set boundaries and if i did, the risk was always that no one would love me. It is hardest with the people I cared about as I was so afraid of losing them if I didn't do everything they wanted. I am only learning now I have to set these boundaries for my own well being and protection from abuse and heartbreaking behaviour and lack of empathy for my dire situation health wise and sentimental things they ruin on purpose.
My older sister has been a hateful, vengeful narrcisst her entire life (she is 14 years older then me). She never respects anyone's boundaries. Even opened mail addressed to me. I tried to disconnect several times, however, I'm divorced with no children so I would end up going back to be with her and her narc daughters. 2.5 years ago I was finally able to go "no contact". Today I received a text from her with a photo of our brother saying he looked old. I immediately deleted it. I was surprised after all this time, that when I saw her text I felt stressed, sick to my stomach, unsettled. I felt evil reaching out to me. Hopefully since I didn't reply she won't try again.
Yes they get a narcisistic injury when one put boundaries to them, they do not like it one bit, they rage behing one back. but if one is awaken, you can see it all clear. Thank you Dr Ramani!!
The best thing you can do for yourself is to go NO CONTACT..
Hale YEAHHHH
What irks me is that you set the boundaries with them, and they ignore them, but get reactive if you aren’t perfect
When making a new boundary, I would say the words clearly. I would look them
in the eye (which is difficult) and they would smirk... So when the time came for
me to stick to my words...They smirk as if their devious efforts are going to work.
The surprise comes when under high pressure, I stick to my words. It's stressful...
The big indicator is having narcissists for parents I was born with a problem of being able to say no. When I started saying no (and it took me a long time to learn to be able to say it) I noticed that specifically narcissistic people have a problem listening to it it's not an answer they ever accept. If I say no they will immediately counterpoint it. That's why in the past I would get completely steamrolled by them in the workplace, at home, everywhere.
You'll get stronger. They'll try other violations.
Those last few minutes are so true and make me realise that even if only 1% population is diagnosed, I'm sure it must be about 20-30% that have it!!
Expect an Attack and often forceful Resistance if and When you set and enforce Healthy Boundaries. Their sense of Entitlement and Invasive rude behavior is Incensed. It's Not your fault ! Their toxic , rude, abusive behavior is Their problem ! You Always & Forever have a Right to Protect yourselves !
To any empath out there you really need to hear Dr. Ramani she is telling you the absolute truth, everything she says is exactly what is the true believe her.
thankful to the fullest as this wisdom is hitting the root of this "beating my head against a wall" with what is happening in my family system... its so frustrating and underneathing it all grievious.... and your wisdom a gift of PEACE amidst confusion THANK YOU
Your spoon analogy just triggered a realization for me. My malignant narc mother and sister are convinced that I’m the narcissist in their lives. The only reason I know I’m not a narcissist is because my whole life they have lashed out at me without just cause. They have been horribly abusive to me, calling me names, screaming at me and cussing me out saying that I ruined their Xmas last Xmas. I will listen to their problems and let them vent but when I want to vent or talk about me feelings they cut me off, tell me I’m crazy, and say “I don’t have the spoons for this.” I’m never allowed to loose my temper. I’m never allowed to angry or hurt or upset. They will quickly find a way to turn it back on me and make me the demon in their lives.
How do I keep my sanity when the world around me is trying to convince me that I’m crazy? It’s maddening and soul crushing.
Detach from them, don't allow them to control the situation. They will use family events to get their goodies from you. Dont go. Or take a witness, if you must. Keep watching the videos, and get 1:1 counseling. Do some journaling, (let it out in a safe place). Keep your rules written down. I posted mine on my bathroom mirror! Screen calls and texts and only answer when you feel strong and have reviewed your rules. We trained my husband's ex to not scream on the phone by simply stating the rule that we'd hang up on screaming and sticking to it. ( we saved messages for attorneys) They prey on weakness.
Do you believe in the Most High ?
Jordan Peterson is fighting to keep his boundaries in this insane world of mind control.
You address the issue from all angles. Hats off when u said it is for the privileged but even powerless people have some power .
Start small is a great advise. You are awesome Ramani
I have always kept respectful boundaries, which I learned throughout my career.
My Ex ( short term) Narc BF didn’t like my boundaries and accused me of “ putting up walls” and antagonized me. He was perfect, I was defective.
My husband started getting frequent night calls, when I asked he just waved off those calls as unimportant. At some point i could take no more of his lies, I decided I deserve to know what was going on.
Someone on here referred me to this man who helped cloned his phone without physically touching it.. All I did was send his phone number to him and through a remote link sent to my email, I was able to access all of his, emails, Facebook and Instagram chats, real-time call listening and his long deleted messages as if the phone was physically with. He was a narc, a cheater and a terrible liar, l'm glad i found out all his secrets. Perhaps, yo u are in a similar situation and you need help you can get in touch with on Instagram 👆👆
That's what they want you to believe and you better not forget.
Boundaries are protection for your mind and soul. People with good intentions towards you respect your (clear) wishes of protection, even if they don't understand them. Enforcing them and let consequences follow show peoples intentions very clearly. You setting a boundary is not a problem, that's a minimum requirement how you want to be treated, and that's your decision! Someone with bad intentions is highly offended that you don't give access to them when they never have earned that access. You don't have to give access to anyone, your need of feeling safe is respected by healthy people and they will earn access to your heart and soul.
After the run through the narcissist ringer I learned, now I spot and deal with the deficit thinkers. Dr. Ramani, THANK YOU!!!
(My ex hates your channel!)
I have boundaries for my mental and physical health. I have an autoimmune disease, Ankylosing Spondylitis, and am immunocompromised, aka any virus (cold, rav, flu, covid) could easily land me in the hospital, ICU, or death. It was eye-opening and jarring how many wanted me to act like I am not disabled, not immunocompromised, and wanted me to pretend covid isn't a big deal, or that there is no covid at all. I know my life matters. I have continued to stand firm on my boundaries. If they didn't like it, not my problem. Walk Away. Created distance, or completely went no contact. Doesn't matter if it is friends or family. My LIFE matters! It's been THREE years since covid began. The boundary for myself in 2023, I am no longer repeating, re-explaining my boundaries anymore. If they don't want to hear it, act dumb, or entitled, I am not going to waste my energy. Walk Away.
BTW, I have my boundaries written down in Google Docs so I can share it, which I have. I have said it verbally, in person, over the phone.... Text messages.... Emails.... Didn't matter how many times I said it, how I said it, how I wrote it, how simply I broke it down, even simplified it enough for a teenager to understand... Said NO in fifty different shades of NO. The only thing I didn't try was interpreted dance, or maybe a musical will work? 🤔
I'm a EMPATH and set a Boundary of Not attending MY FAMILY REUNION which of course left many people Angry with me but I was very Happy to understand,/know how My Family saw me as simply a convience not a person!!!
Once I learned about boundaries I tried to set some with my ex. He got so upset and said I was violating his boundaries by having mine 🙄
How dare you have a boundary they have to acknowledge! The narc is delusional and thinks they are superior to everyone!
Thats comical-all the more reason to have boundaries with that boob lol😂
My two younger sisters are narcissists. When we were young, we lived together. They used to talk on the phone with friends and spoke loudly outside my room around 11 p.m. when I was in bed. Every time I told them to stop, it was just a long fight and arguing for days! They raged at me every time when I complained! But come on, I had my school and exam, but they were still young. My mom blamed me for not being willing to compromise as an elder sister at home. That led me so many years of tiredness and sleepless nights. I ended up not bothered by any of their narcissistic behaviour. I was almost in tears when I was watching your videos. I wish you could be my mom.
"We have to be our own gatekeepers"!!!!!!! ❤❤❤ P.S. bc we have empathy..........
Boundaries are for Me. They are mine. If I allow someone to cross them, that's on Me. I will have to refine my inner self to hold my ground. ❤
It's an ongoing, continuous process in Life, which is absolutely fine since Life is a learning journey. ❤
No matter what, I won't allow anyone to break me down. ❤
We do it to avoid the rage and the narasa-splaining!!
It isn't usually the case that I feel so triggered by listening to Dr. Ramani but this one is so spot on it's hard to go through. Too true and frustratingly so at present. The good news is I have a sense of humor and can see the potential for flipping it all on it's head without doing more than grey rocking the matter and simply enjoying my own world. Even still I am awakening to the fact that I still have more to learn and integrate into my willingness to show up, speak up and hold my own with the known violators.
Whoa, I set a boundary for being disrespected in my home. Dr. Ramani, you are correct it is like dealing with a tiger. Now I am being ostracized with by her and "the family". I was hurt, but now it's a blessing because I am no longer obligated to function in their get togethers.
The kids and I set a boundary in our house that involved alcohol. We banned it from the house. When the ex showed up for dinner this caused him to fly into a rage and leave. If we had known it was that easy we would have done it sooner!
Maple leaf they try and make you feel guilty and I don't feel guilty at all. This is my life and noone controls me.
@@twovirginiacats3753
This is the most successful & most brillant boundry ive heard of. For you & the children 🙌🏼💯
This information alone explains so much?
I’ve spend the last 4 months reading watching videos thinking I’m the narcissist?
This video alone explains why I’m mentally and now physically completely exhausted ….
A boundary about gaslighting is pretty handy, don’t have to tell the narcissist, just know you won’t put up with it.
You are changing the world Dr. Ramani.
I always questioned whether I am right in labeling my sister as a narcissist. Then a video comes along that reinforces my belief that she is a narcissist. When I finally told my sister that if she called me names, put me down, put down my successes, humiliates me, makes a joke at my expense, or gaslights me, I would walk away, hang up the phone, stop reading the letter, etc, she said I was trying to control her. She told our siblings that I was abusing her. I went no contact with her and my siblings after that. This video reinforces that she is a narcissist.
You can't reason with these people. The only feelings that matter to them are their own. They can do no wrong. They are entitled to everything they justify.
Oh man the worst part is when they lie and deny about ever even crossing them and gaslight you and people who were actually there