This is so spot on. Whenever I get really worked up about something someone said to me, the only way I get out of the rumination / anxiety loop is to remember that no one can invalidate me, I can only invalidate myself. And that anxiety and anger is actually because I am invalidating myself. Only when I accept this do I feel suddenly at peace and empowered. Suddenly I don’t need them to apologize or change or acknowledge what they did, it doesn’t matter. I can always choose to validate and accept myself, no one can take that power away. It’s unbelievably freeing to accept full responsibility for validating yourself.
I recently watched a video with Sam Vaknin who talked about how, if youve experienced narcissistic abuse, the voice of the narcissist stays in your head and controls everything. But the narrative isn't actually yours, so everything you're thinking is running through an parasite program! Heidi says in another video how your authentic self is your feeling that arise in the present moment, not an imagined character in the future. Sounds like you found that sweet spot 👌
This is so true. I realised essentially the same thing, myself: the other person did not, and cannot hurt me -- *I* hurt me. With my automatic conditioned responses and narratives about what they say, when it's something which triggers me. (Although for me I'm thinking of a situation where the person is not actually trying to be an @hole, but is just triggered, themselves, causing them to say it.)
@artazcona1422 I remember asking a friend once where is the universe and he said it's inside you. That blew my mind somehow 😁 All you say about yourself is true and the opposite is equally true. You ( and anyone else) are alone. We're all alone individually and we're all part of a unit also. We don't fit anywhere as an individual due to our very uniqueness. We also share traits ( biological or psychological) with absolutely anyone. Even a banana and you have 25% of the same DNA lol. Those intense feelings that go through your body are not your own, they pass you by, like clouds. The intensity and pain felt is by identifying with them and believing they're ours feelings, they're us. They're not, they're universal. Anger, fear, sadness is not you, it just passes you by. Your body just acting as a receptor, observe the process your body is under at those times like you would observe another body experiencing that. Don't freak out, don't identify with the process, just observe. The more you remain focus on simply observing, the calmer you'll be able to feel. And regulate your internal system. Your not anxious. Anxiety passes you by. You are the observer of that. Identify with the observer more. Thar's the consciousness, peaceful, safe part of you that wants to reconnect you to your true nature. Hope I made sense ;)
Can we all just please give a million props to this wonderful human being that is Heidi Priebe, I feel like you are saving my life and future relationships with people. I’ve been watching your stuff on repeat for days now, and I’m working on myself like I never thought would be possible, better and more proactive than the 3 sessions of therapy I went to and couldn’t afford
After three years of therapy , I realised that the reason why I would take personally every word that shows unapproval was to avoid realising that this person does not admire me and my choices. I would be obsessed with their disapproval and overthink it in my head for months. This was to avoid my fear of being insignificant and wrong. And also to avoid my feeling of not feeling seen by this person. Overall I was trying to avoid loneliness and my feelings of inadequacy.
Yes, I when I start to feel offended, I have started asking myself "how am I making this about me?" and a follow-up question of "what am I making this mean about me?" In many situations I realize I am feeling invisible and want to be recognized or acknowledged in some way, often that I want sacrifices I have made to be acknowledged so that I don't feel taken advantage of.
I'm not sure I've ever gone on a crusade to make others stop being dysregulated (unless I've been doing it on a subconscious level), but I can so relate to getting inflamed and triggered when I see someone's dysregulation being met with comfort and support. It often fills me with a sense of injustice. When I was younger, it was like, "why is that kid's tantrum being answered with a hug and soft words, that's not how it works! Indulgent parents (hmph)!" It was awful, and it would put me in a mood for several minutes, if not longer. I had tons of empathy for children who were screaming because they were injured, but little or no empathy for dysregulated children. And for years, I felt like a monster because I didn't understand the root of my disgust. Thank God that's changed quite a bit over the years. Unfortunately, some of it remains, especially when I see older kids and adults that I know being loved and accepted despite frequent dysregulation. While I can now feel more empathy for the person, on some level, I'm thinking, "It's not fair, I would be left if I acted that way." While it may be a reasonable thought to wonder at what people put up with and why, it's the "not fair!" part that indicates to me that I'm being triggered.
Yea, you should have been treated with love and compassion and understanding at all times. Start to do that for yourself at every possible moment in life now. Love u❤
My childhood experience was I got raged at and rejected when dysregulated, so dysregulation was more akin to being wrong (and must be disciplined,) than being unfair to me when someone else got it and i didnt. I understood it was a warped way to respond to emotional pain, but couldn't seem to change my internal reaction. Damn! No wonder i struggled to stay regulated when my sons were dysregulated. I thought it was a character defect in me and didnt understand the childhood message i got. The reaction was much more nuanced than failure and was more about my pain than theirs . My poor sons! If i had only understood i could have prevented a lot of pain being passed on!
I used to not take things personally. Except with the very few who were close to me in the long term. It left me open to being treated poorly in many situations where I needed to show up for myself and speak up. Because, I had the self belief that I needed to be calm, cool and "mature" in most situations. Because "I can handle it." Because I didn't want to be seen as weak. I also didn't know how to state certain boundaries primarily among friends and it be okay. Or without getting supper upset, for the longest time. Now... I'm analyzing everything and wanting to argue with everyone …or at least to myself. Working on being grounded and finding the balance by being present with grace.
Last year I started to learn to not take things personally. It's been a long, hard journey, and I'm still working on it. Questioning my stories has been very helpful. What you said about some people wanting to take things personally as a way of trying to maintain a connection rather than facing the thought of being forgotten or not mattering to someone...that really resonated with me. That seems to be where I've been more recently. Let the healing journey continue...
These videos are great, and so many truths can only come from someone who's really passionate and invested in what they do. The advice is helpful, but I'm also inspired by the fact that you're totally in flow with your chosen field.
The solution to so much awkwardness, upset and tension is to take hurtful things less personally. Perfect example of something that is simple but not easy.
DA here and I take very little personally, lol! (Positive view of self, negative view of others). I've had to learn that my words and behavior CAN impact others and that they are not always overreacting unreasonably. Sometimes, I need to be more empathetic. I'm learning... 🤷🏽♀️
My husband is SA and his lack of empathy has resulted in us no longer speaking about anything (other than surface level shit) permanently. He’s perfectly happy with that of course. Not sure how much longer I can tolerate it. A marriage of convenience atm.
Such a tangle of triggers. I am on year 5 of trying to understand myself more and there’s still a long way to go. I am better at recognising when the trigger is occurring, I feel it in my body before my thoughts catch up. I have never spent so much time excusing myself to go and pee as a way to re regulate myself. I’ll take people thinking i have bladder issues over the old feelings any day! It’s not about me, love your explanations.
Someone said once that not everyone will like you but also, asked if I liked everyone? The answer was no. It helped me not to take things personally if I felt rejected by ppl I didn’t really even like either.
I take things wayyy too personally. My toxic self righteous rule is that I don’t mistreat anyone unless provoked so when someone close to me makes even the slightest tick of annoyance or rudeness towards me I am instantly dysregulated. My boundaries are strong and I’m able to disconnect but I ruminate big time. Confirming to myself that my authenticity and identity are in tact soothes but it takes a while to calm my nervous system and my brain. Your words about allowing others to show up as themselves is helpful. Compassion for myself and the other usually helps get me out of the loop as well.
Holy shit you are so smart! You just explained something to me that I have been trying to figure out for years. I am in awe of you and your ability to explain concepts.
Your videos are rewiring the insecure world view …..another life has been saved… i love you heidi preibe ❤i wish all your dreams come true …. You are saving lives 😢
I haven't even watched the whole video yet and I so needed to hear this at this moment. Thank you! I love and truly appreciate how you explain things in an "unconventional" way. The wisdom hits home hard in a great way.
I also really respect how she doesn't 'copy-paste' information but really understands the concept behind it and helps us understand it as well :) I always appreciate a self-aware teacher who can look at how people receive information and translate it. I feel like I'm struggling to say what I mean but I see the effort she puts in.
You made me cry Heidi when you spoke about developing false relationships with paranoia. Someone I love greatly felt that way and I told this loved one if that’s true does it matter if they are watching you?…you can still live a happy life… this person, I think, felt safe and that they are loved by me. This delusion is gone now. But now realizing this person was that lonely and disregulated really hurts.
🔥🔥🔥🔥 binge watching Heidi Priebe’s YT channel is my new hobby. It always hits me out of nowhere and BAM -one more thing to learn to live a great life-. Thank you Heidi!
I see myself in this thing and I don't like it ;) (I need to watch this about 5 times in a row to fully take in all the goodness that's here. THANK YOU for your clarity Heidi!)
Asking for clarification sounds like a good idea, but when people meant it hurtfully they will most likely not own up to that fact because it would make them feel like a bad person.
I’ve really been loving your work. Because it’s balanced and the fact that you don’t randomly insert a sponsor during the video makes it feel very genuine and like you really just want people to be balanced and secure ❤ thank you! Big thank you
I have recently sought out this type of help on the internet due to difficulties with my romantic partner. No one else has provided such a meaningful understanding of these difficulties and how to find realistic remedies or recognizing when and how to find closure. Three deep bows in your direction and heart felt thanks!
Easier said than done. Another reason I have this profound, all-consuming, hateful envy of others is their casual ability to hurt me with mere words. I wish they could experience the same hell I go through every day. There are a few things I want, but chief among them? Unlimited revenge.
It is hellish being v sensitive. I don’t want revenge - although it would be good to see them get some of thier own medicine. Mostly I just want to be completely alone. For a long time.
There was a time when I easily took things too personally. Now after going through the healing process, I'm not worried about others expectations about me at all.
This is helping me so much in my relationship with my brother. I did find out his condescension and impatience is not about me at all but about the struggles he's going through. Sadly, he doesn't share his inner heart with me and so there are some things I didn't know about until I talked with our mom. She related to me that she hadn't spoken to him about something to do with the family and the reason why was his bad mood today. She elaborated about him not feeling well and some other heavy things going on. It clicked with me that he had attempted to be kind to me this morning but his frustrations slipped out and he got edgy with me. It wasn't about me and I could've dismissed it but I made it about me. "Is he mad at me? Did I do something? Did I just say something wrong?" If I really search my heart, the answer is no to all of those. In short, the thing I'm still learning at 50 is IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT ME. I'll keep trying to understand that.
I totally loved how you mentioned the "forget me" song! I kind of want the feeling being remembered in hateful way rather than being forgiven and forgotten. Even though it's not healthy in any way, but I kind of like how uncomforting that feeling of being forgotten is, and it triggers me to keep chasing my favorite perkson with whom I fought 6months back and we wet no contact.
Please make a followup! I see myself and learned a lot about awareness steps I can take to "self correct"! Your videos on these topics are easily some of the best out there - thank you for the insight.
Love it; great conversation/talk on reactionary awareness and internal and external conflict resolution, etc. I think the personal anecdotes you provide here and there(whether actually yours from your life or not) are very necessary for listener engagement, as opposed to just a bullet point. Itemized lessons are good too so we can stay on task, but integrating with one’s own experience is not easy. Hearing someone else go through the respective process makes it much more accessible. Thanks for committing to this. We need more of this level quality of content here on the utub. Have a nice …. Whatever!
Nor did /do I because in early childhood disapproval (from my alternately warm & cold mother) was existentially threatening. She was the only source of anything related to survival as a child so I was terrified of losing that one voice of approval. My father lived with us but he was an angry immature narcissist. My mother was an over achieving manic DA - worked, cooked, gardened, sewed, primary child caregiver, busy busy busy. Made everyone feel very guilty and indebted to her ‘sacrifice’. In reality she couldn’t stand not being busy.
Thank you for doing this! You're pulling the courtain away so I can look inside myself and understand my behavior. This is amazing!! I can't thank you enough!
I just so wished I would have found your channel sooner xxx thank you for this goldmine of guidance and explanation of all the mistakes I've made in my life in such a clear concise and understandable manner!
I want to comment on every one of your videos how much i appreciate the way you frame these issues. I don't know if you get tired of making content but i truly hope you continue. I am 37 year old dude taking rigorous notes from someone obv younger than me is a bit humbling but (even that is me trying to say people would like me because of my **checks notes** sick ability to be emotionally regulated and calm in every situation) I am just wanting to fix these darned blind spots i have about processing the world around me. The part around 15:20 where you talk about when people assuming they know everything about you. I get that activation too, i will keep an eye on that defensive thing in future. thanks for advice.
Before I learned about attachment styles I took it personally when my dismissive avoidant partner broke up with me and that she seemed to want nothing to do with me in just a matter of weeks. However, I now see it wasn’t “ME “or “OUR” relationship specifically, but more so that it was “A” relationship.
this was the first video I saw by you Heidi a week or two ago and just W.O.W.! Not only was it helpful but it nails so many of the consequences and nuances that come about as things play out. You're highly perceptive, in the best of ways. It kinda seems like maybe you have first hand knowledge/experience with many of the topics I've watched thus far. I appreciate this more because you're knowledgeable like an experienced psychologist but you also know the intimate details of what things feel like for the person identifying with the topic. I haven't picked up in any shaming or guilt trips. you do really well at presenting things neutrally, and even with compassion and understanding. Thank you for not being judgemental. I've been on my own healing journey and man, I mostly just research to learn about this stuff. my parents were never good sources to ask for advice or input or empathy. My mom is borderline and behaves in covertly narcissistic ways, gaslighting and manipulation. she never let others see her harsh interactions with me to keep any pleas of help i made uncredulous. She isolated me quite a bit, maybe (maybe) not on purpose, but she always found a "problem" with any friend I had over. and with her neurotic tendencies and oversensitivity to noise (not actually excessive), messes (that were easily clean-up-able), etc, well my friends tended to drift away. This, now I'm supposedly an adult at age 32 (with a precious 6 year old daughter) whose trying desperately to find where the problems were in my mom's behaviors so that i can do my best to find healthier ways of interacting and behaving. I research constantly. i don't have friends nor healthy/more balanced family members to get advice from, so I'm researching to try to save my own life and to preserve the purity of heart that I wish my daughter to keep. In my research, I found your videos Heidi. I am thankful for what you share with the community and I'm also thankful for your perspective on things. you have helped me learn so much about myself already and gave suggestions on how to improve. this is valuable insight to me.
I have found you, and to avoid fawning i will just say thank you for everything that you do. I am fighting an inner urge to continue blubbering about you, because of you 😊
Thank you for articulating something I really, really wanted to communicate to some other people to help them protect their mental health because when I noticed this process and learned it here and there it helped me but I had a hard time condensing those experiences (also while heated because when you learn something the hard way over time you somewhat unconsciously expect others to have already known it especially if you(as in me) have gone through an inferiority complex)
1:54 there’s no bad publicity for our mind 3:15 if you are in conflict, you matter immensely 5:00 paranoia 6:14 everyone is meeting their own needs. Whether they love you or hate you has nothing to do with you. Our worthiness is not linked to what people think of us. Being perfectly regulated.
One thing i have learned, from painful experiences, is to avoid people who, in everyday conversations, repeatedly use the words "real" and "authentic" ( unless they are talking about antiques, art or gem stones). If they say things like "I want to live an authentic life...", or " I want only friends who are real...", be wary; that person is either very phony or very insecure. And, if they say some variation of " I'm the most honest person...", then run away so fast you leave skid marks.
Heidi, you blow my min dwith EVERY single video of yours. Thank you so much for your analysis, explanation and providing tools to do better. I have been in therapy for sometime. But im learning from you than i did from therapy. Thanks a lot for your generosity.
Oh my god, despite the fact that I'm the one who generally tells people to not take things personally, I've never realized that I do the exact same thing, especially went it come to people I'm really close to, or want to be close to. When you said that this was an attachment style, it finally made sense to me. It's funny, now I realize that both my parents have the exact same attachment style as well. Thank you so much for this life saver!
Every time I watch one of your videos that relates to an issue I’m facing, I feel so happy and hopeful because I know I’ve found something that will help me get to a solution
Wow! Heidi, you speak with such incredible clarity and insight. It’s amazing time to be alive when tools like your channel are so accessible. Thank you!!
I agree that being admired etc. *can* have nothing to do with us, but that, imo, is when that admiration is projective: limerence, the narcissistic valuation which produces narcissistic supply, feeling important by association, etc. When we are good with ourselves, we can authentically admire someone. That experience does not confuse respect with worship. When we are humble we are free to truly value admirable qualities in others, independently of our self-concept. I suppose another way to phrase this is that, when we respect our separateness from others, we respect others’ separateness.
You helped me realize how I go from extremes. Example everyone hates me. Or I'm invisible and I can get away with anything because no one sees me. I think this is similar to children 🤔 thank you
So interesting that paranoia is the end of the anxious attachment spectrum. For DECADES what my parents have projected on to me is that I'm paranoid (my dad did actually go to a psych hospital a couple of times with depression and paranoid delusions). I suppose I do/ did take things personally but I objected to being labelled paranoid and then I was labelled sensitive. I pointed out how I could not win, then I was labelled angry. I am not dealing with my parents anymore. They just will not acknowledge that they hurt me and I seem to need that they do that before I can just play the part of susan again. If they cannot do that small thing then I'm not playing the part they wrote for me. I will be a stranger forever.
I can relate. Ive always been labeled as "too sensitive". Yet, it felt like they were being insensitive to my needs. I often wonder if i wouldn't have been so sensitive if they had provided a secure attachment style for me. but hey, they were likely doing the best they could with what they had gotten from their parents. they might not have been in touch with their own childhood grievances and thus they were hoping you wouldn't bring it up because they didn't know how to confront their own stuff. it takes bravery, Susan, to open your eyes and wake up to your own supposed flaw or things that you could improve on. I could be wrong, but Im willing to bed your parents just aren't as brave as you. You are self reflecting in a way that they seemingly didn't. You are brave and you are honest with yourself about things you could improve on. That's what makes you special in this scenario dear. Keep being self aware, even if it's aversive sometimes. only when we see room for improvement can we actually make those improvements. if we were perfect, there would be no reason to adapt or change. someday, you may even take potty in your parents and see their motional immaturity from a place of understanding, that they are human too. They may not have had great resources like we have here with Heidi. it is noteworthy however, to still boundary up and not accept disrespect from them, even if you can see where they were coming from. protect yourself first. Best wishes! ❤️
Oooooo this relates soooo much and it's been sooooo freaking hard for me not to take things personally if only to protect myself. I needed to hear this.
It works. Yes, Heidi, if I'm offended, it's usually about the other person, or, if not, then it's something I've been hanging on to for waay too long....
I use to often take things personally, but now, not so much, although there are some occassions where I may revert back to taking things personally that i can still reflect upon and try to work thur with a renwed perspective.
Still trying to work on capably soothing myself and addressing those insecurities when I do take something personally, or overreact. It's so difficult to know what an overreaction looks like and to let myself feel anger or sadness when I know I'm probably overreacting though, because even while knowing the other person isn't thinking about me, I feel so indignant. It's hard to show up authentically everywhere and to also be able to pull up a shield at a moment's notice saying, "They're not thinking about me, so I can disregard what they're saying," or "this feeling is probably because of an insecurity I'm still working on addressing, so I should muffle my outward reaction to this." I wish discussing triggers was more normalized. It seems to me to mostly be a physical and emotional mechanism causing the hang up in these situations, so "thinking my way out of it" is tough. Thanks nonetheless for the video as always, this issue is articulated very well here.
Thankyou I just started following your videos, I'm getting so much from them, for inner reflection and as a counselling student it's very insightful, I really enjoy your vast knowledge and relatability when you share your own experiences and healing, many thanks, 🙏
Thank you so much for this. I do feel chronically offended especially at work. For example when I feel like my boss is expecting me to perform while not providing me with clear coaching or worse, is mis-informing me or brushing me off.
You are spot on, however, I hate to even say I’m “offended” about anything these days because I feel like it’s so overused, “disrespected” is a good alternative word for me. It also (for me), makes it about me taking responsibility for my feelings instead of (blaming) stating that I’m offended over someone’s actions towards me. Idk.
"People have the right withing the realm of things that are legal to show up in whatever way they show up in the world" This is fuzzy from my experience. Mobbing at work - and without means to find another job, I will get stuck with toxic ambient and toxic people. Where if I do not shut up and if I never say No - is the way to keep safety, security. I think this taking things personally is connected with finances and poverty and lack of shelter too rather than only emotions. I am talking about things in external outside of our control which have direct impact on our lives - like living in super toxic poor country with high corruption and without means of escaping it due to papers, legal reasons and or third parties or conditions such illness - or even things like often migraines and chronic fatigue - other than finances. Then the person is stuck with someone who is oppressive, state of poverty - I think this external conditions play crucial role in taking things personally alongside with emotions and working on our Jung Shadow as explained in video (being self righteous and toxic ourselves). Then this external factor becomes the agent which is sabotaging us - that needs closer inspection. If we decide to fix ourselves only - this external factor will keep on dysregulating us. If we live in corrupt country where police, judicial system, ethical standards are non existent - where we do not have protection and we get insults and attacks by psychopaths and sociopaths who have protection by authority - then this needs to be inspected: what can we do about these oppressive issues that goes in the realm of politics, totally outside of our emotions and mind patterns. I think if we work on ourselves, if we become super-forgiving and understanding and have full capacity to not take things personally and not get triggered - that this external factor will do the damage. And I think it would be helpful to realize this external factor is problem - so that we do not take self blame and guilt on ourselves over things which are absolutely outside of our control. External factor: people, toxic society - will explain and direct and command and brainwash us to take the blame on us, for any problem that they create. Think of dysfunctional families - where children without school and money are forced to endure life with someone narcissistic and toxic every day. I would go into this direction of External factor for all of us who have done all the humanly possible inner work and still take things personally due to toxic people around us and situations which are outside of our control and yet in the same time we are explained and mocked and attacked for not controlling and fixing problems which we cannot fix.
Oh, this is just what I need to hear today! Just saw a video of directing three different energies at three different jars of rice [speaking love to the first jar, speaking hate to the second jar, and nothing to the third jar - just ignoring it]. The 'love' jar fermented into this wonderful smelling food. The 'hate' jar fermented into a sour inedible mess. The 'ignored' jar got mold and rotted. Perhaps people sense this and would rather be negatively treated than ignored completely. Which makes me wonder about a religion that would shun and treat as dead, an undesirable member...it's supposed to make said member so uncomfortable that they change and come back. There's a lot to unpack there. I think this information you're giving us here, would be very insightful and helpful to people in that predicament, too. As for myself, my parents used to do that 'shun thing' to me from day one, when they didn't want to deal with [or didn't know how to deal with] my wants and needs, so I'm gonna shut up now and resume watching!
Wow! Perfect timing Heidi. Just realized and experienced this recently. Your insight provides a different perspective that I can use instead of the destructive behavior I have been displaying. ...as always, thank you for being you and sharing this knowledge in a understandable way. You have a true gift. 😊❤️😊
Thanks. After studying healthy relationships I now see narcissism in everyone therefore I'm isolating (going no contact with everyone). I'm not sure that is healthy, but that is what psychology is preaching.
Everyone acts out of self interest. But everyone being narcissistic can't be true. You can choose who to have in your life, but you also have to accept them as they are. If you are in an unhealthy dynamic, do get out. But also try and make new friends. Then you can also compare.
Heidi thank you for being you. You are so clear with the issues and then solutions. You give steps to analyze ourselves and then take baby steps into healing or working it out. This is soooo helpful. I have never seen someone like you. You are a gift, a professional, keep going. I have a way to talk now. A way to even ask questions if I get further help. A way to get to know myself which is important in knowing what kind of help is needed. I am excited to grow more.
But what about criticism? What if someone is expressing something you could improve upon or a boundary? Maybe you did something genuinely hurtful or inconsiderate and they are trying to share that with you. I've had people express criticisms in a gentle way as well as a defensive/harsh/direct way. Either way, how do you take that criticism and integrate it healthily rather than getting defensive when it really is personal what the person is saying? For me, it's like I have a hard time taking accountability, especially if the other person is expressing criticism in a harsh way. And it can be hard to feed out what aspects might be the other person's stuff and what aspects are true to my behavior. I just respond to any form of criticism as a threat rather than a means to self-reflect and grow in a positive way.
I'm trying to remind myself - criticism is often about an action you did/didn't do. Not about your character. When you are acting in an authentic self, you can keep the emotion out of the reaction because it doesn't hurt the same. When it is about a character trait or more personal, it's going to hurt if it's something you haven't yet processed. That may be guilt or shame for "getting it wrong" but reminding yourself as said above, that it is someone's opinion, not necessarily fact. Just be sure to find space to sit with the feelings and try to find why it hurts and where the healing needs to begin
(12 minutes in) Very true, just beware not to "use" it for invalidating others. Even when they project their own shortcomings on you, others may see things in you and your actions you are blind to, pay attention
Thanks Heidi! The timing of me watching this video is uncanny. I’m currently in a quasi toxic relationship with work. For years I have struggled with a bully, he’s extremely charismatic, appears to be extremely empathetic, but the actions behind the scenes state otherwise. He doesn’t seem to have any true, emotional awareness, and anytime there is a conflict instead of doing conflict mediation, I just results and the character assassination. A few years back, I approached him to see if there was some thing that I was missing, anything that I had done to upset him, but he denied any issue. So I’m not sure what to do with such individuals. I actually did escape him and things were fine, however, his territory grew, and once again the character assassination started all over again.
I’m trapped in the never ending divorce. Suffice to say, things have become maddening. I have said from the beginning, the only thing I want, is to be so detached from him, I care no more for him, than my ex husband from 30 yrs ago.
I always took so many things personally without apparently realizing, I'm going to need quite a bit of time to bend my head around this idea that I should *not* take these things personally. It feels like a fake mind trick at this moment, but of course I know this is actually true.
What a beautiful video. As soon as you mentioned Lewis Capaldi's song and related the lyric to anxious attachment, I started tearing up. Everything in the video is so accurate based on what I'm going through being in a situation ship with an ESFP. The part about mirroring, self honesty and reflection is something I need to do more actively given my attachment style. Thank you. I truly find myself understood here and that's a big thing for me to say.
I find the mind and the brain extremely fascinating. Human mind can be a powerful tool but it can turn very easily into a prison from time to time. Anyways I sincerely appreciate and thank you for the work you do, your videos helped me a lot to recognize some blockages as well as some defense mechanisms I was enacting without realizing it. 🙏🏼 😊
The last bit hit a nerve. However, only three people in and out of my life, are genuinely rude. And funnily enough, deeply into themselves which makes it easier to say no.
Thank you for this! This is something I definitely experience and with these tips I plan on working through it. So insightful I have so much to think about now 👏👏👏👏
This is so helpful. New to your channel - found your limerance video so interesting. This might be a misplaced comment, but several times, my eyes sort of blurred and made the large black pillow in the background become your arms with large, flowy sleeves and pointy elbows. Sort of like a reclining medieval witch 😅 thank you for all your help. ❤
1. Necesitamos sentirnos importantes 2. Lo que (no) les gusta a los demás de nosotros, es porque somos un reflejo en ellos. 3. Pedir aclaración, evitar malentendidos.
Used to be very alone and had paranoid delusions. Now I'm in relationship where my partner is verbally abusive. It is hard to draw boundary because I'm scared of being alone again.
This is so spot on. Whenever I get really worked up about something someone said to me, the only way I get out of the rumination / anxiety loop is to remember that no one can invalidate me, I can only invalidate myself. And that anxiety and anger is actually because I am invalidating myself. Only when I accept this do I feel suddenly at peace and empowered. Suddenly I don’t need them to apologize or change or acknowledge what they did, it doesn’t matter. I can always choose to validate and accept myself, no one can take that power away. It’s unbelievably freeing to accept full responsibility for validating yourself.
I recently watched a video with Sam Vaknin who talked about how, if youve experienced narcissistic abuse, the voice of the narcissist stays in your head and controls everything. But the narrative isn't actually yours, so everything you're thinking is running through an parasite program! Heidi says in another video how your authentic self is your feeling that arise in the present moment, not an imagined character in the future. Sounds like you found that sweet spot 👌
Amen.
This is so true. I realised essentially the same thing, myself: the other person did not, and cannot hurt me -- *I* hurt me. With my automatic conditioned responses and narratives about what they say, when it's something which triggers me. (Although for me I'm thinking of a situation where the person is not actually trying to be an @hole, but is just triggered, themselves, causing them to say it.)
@artazcona1422 I remember asking a friend once where is the universe and he said it's inside you. That blew my mind somehow 😁
All you say about yourself is true and the opposite is equally true. You ( and anyone else) are alone. We're all alone individually and we're all part of a unit also. We don't fit anywhere as an individual due to our very uniqueness. We also share traits ( biological or psychological) with absolutely anyone. Even a banana and you have 25% of the same DNA lol. Those intense feelings that go through your body are not your own, they pass you by, like clouds. The intensity and pain felt is by identifying with them and believing they're ours feelings, they're us. They're not, they're universal. Anger, fear, sadness is not you, it just passes you by. Your body just acting as a receptor, observe the process your body is under at those times like you would observe another body experiencing that. Don't freak out, don't identify with the process, just observe. The more you remain focus on simply observing, the calmer you'll be able to feel. And regulate your internal system. Your not anxious. Anxiety passes you by. You are the observer of that. Identify with the observer more. Thar's the consciousness, peaceful, safe part of you that wants to reconnect you to your true nature. Hope I made sense ;)
I hope to arrive there someday
Can we all just please give a million props to this wonderful human being that is Heidi Priebe, I feel like you are saving my life and future relationships with people. I’ve been watching your stuff on repeat for days now, and I’m working on myself like I never thought would be possible, better and more proactive than the 3 sessions of therapy I went to and couldn’t afford
Million props🎉
After three years of therapy , I realised that the reason why I would take personally every word that shows unapproval was to avoid realising that this person does not admire me and my choices. I would be obsessed with their disapproval and overthink it in my head for months. This was to avoid my fear of being insignificant and wrong. And also to avoid my feeling of not feeling seen by this person. Overall I was trying to avoid loneliness and my feelings of inadequacy.
Wow, your comment just helped me realize something about myself
omg wow, this has changed something in me
Oof. To avoid feeling that hurt that we know from childhood 😢 Never wanting to feel so hurt again..
Yup! Thank you for putting this in words for me. I totally relate!
And it does us a disservice because we spend too much time with people who don’t value us and not people who do.
Yes, I when I start to feel offended, I have started asking myself "how am I making this about me?" and a follow-up question of "what am I making this mean about me?" In many situations I realize I am feeling invisible and want to be recognized or acknowledged in some way, often that I want sacrifices I have made to be acknowledged so that I don't feel taken advantage of.
Oh wow, what a great prompt for journaling.
I'm not sure I've ever gone on a crusade to make others stop being dysregulated (unless I've been doing it on a subconscious level), but I can so relate to getting inflamed and triggered when I see someone's dysregulation being met with comfort and support. It often fills me with a sense of injustice. When I was younger, it was like, "why is that kid's tantrum being answered with a hug and soft words, that's not how it works! Indulgent parents (hmph)!" It was awful, and it would put me in a mood for several minutes, if not longer. I had tons of empathy for children who were screaming because they were injured, but little or no empathy for dysregulated children. And for years, I felt like a monster because I didn't understand the root of my disgust. Thank God that's changed quite a bit over the years. Unfortunately, some of it remains, especially when I see older kids and adults that I know being loved and accepted despite frequent dysregulation. While I can now feel more empathy for the person, on some level, I'm thinking, "It's not fair, I would be left if I acted that way." While it may be a reasonable thought to wonder at what people put up with and why, it's the "not fair!" part that indicates to me that I'm being triggered.
Yea, you should have been treated with love and compassion and understanding at all times. Start to do that for yourself at every possible moment in life now. Love u❤
My childhood experience was I got raged at and rejected when dysregulated, so dysregulation was more akin to being wrong (and must be disciplined,) than being unfair to me when someone else got it and i didnt. I understood it was a warped way to respond to emotional pain, but couldn't seem to change my internal reaction. Damn! No wonder i struggled to stay regulated when my sons were dysregulated. I thought it was a character defect in me and didnt understand the childhood message i got. The reaction was much more nuanced than failure and was more about my pain than theirs . My poor sons! If i had only understood i could have prevented a lot of pain being passed on!
I feel the same exact way
But you can move forward now with open eyes and a more open heart!@@stacyknapp5548
I used to not take things personally. Except with the very few who were close to me in the long term. It left me open to being treated poorly in many situations where I needed to show up for myself and speak up. Because, I had the self belief that I needed to be calm, cool and "mature" in most situations. Because "I can handle it." Because I didn't want to be seen as weak.
I also didn't know how to state certain boundaries primarily among friends and it be okay. Or without getting supper upset, for the longest time.
Now... I'm analyzing everything and wanting to argue with everyone …or at least to myself. Working on being grounded and finding the balance by being present with grace.
Yes same.
You feel like a friend not a therapist. You have an amazing gift!
Last year I started to learn to not take things personally. It's been a long, hard journey, and I'm still working on it. Questioning my stories has been very helpful. What you said about some people wanting to take things personally as a way of trying to maintain a connection rather than facing the thought of being forgotten or not mattering to someone...that really resonated with me. That seems to be where I've been more recently. Let the healing journey continue...
These videos are great, and so many truths can only come from someone who's really passionate and invested in what they do. The advice is helpful, but I'm also inspired by the fact that you're totally in flow with your chosen field.
SO spot on!!
Like even without watching yet 'cause I know it's gonna be epic!
Lol same!! 😂💓
Are you sure you aren't projecting your own valued qualities onto Heidi? 🤔 😜
The solution to so much awkwardness, upset and tension is to take hurtful things less personally. Perfect example of something that is simple but not easy.
DA here and I take very little personally, lol! (Positive view of self, negative view of others). I've had to learn that my words and behavior CAN impact others and that they are not always overreacting unreasonably. Sometimes, I need to be more empathetic. I'm learning... 🤷🏽♀️
My husband is SA and his lack of empathy has resulted in us no longer speaking about anything (other than surface level shit) permanently. He’s perfectly happy with that of course. Not sure how much longer I can tolerate it. A marriage of convenience atm.
Such a tangle of triggers. I am on year 5 of trying to understand myself more and there’s still a long way to go. I am better at recognising when the trigger is occurring, I feel it in my body before my thoughts catch up. I have never spent so much time excusing myself to go and pee as a way to re regulate myself. I’ll take people thinking i have bladder issues over the old feelings any day! It’s not about me, love your explanations.
Someone said once that not everyone will like you but also, asked if I liked everyone? The answer was no. It helped me not to take things personally if I felt rejected by ppl I didn’t really even like either.
I take things wayyy too personally. My toxic self righteous rule is that I don’t mistreat anyone unless provoked so when someone close to me makes even the slightest tick of annoyance or rudeness towards me I am instantly dysregulated. My boundaries are strong and I’m able to disconnect but I ruminate big time. Confirming to myself that my authenticity and identity are in tact soothes but it takes a while to calm my nervous system and my brain. Your words about allowing others to show up as themselves is helpful. Compassion for myself and the other usually helps get me out of the loop as well.
@Christine...I can't totally relate to this...thank you
It takes me so long to get re regulated again ..🙏
Dont attach to the finite, temporal, mortal person of form, YOU are a noble supreme being of the LIGHT, an incarnation of the DIVINE! Know thy self!🙌💙
@@brianmaguire8254 ❤️❤️❤️
Word for word what I do
Holy shit you are so smart! You just explained something to me that I have been trying to figure out for years. I am in awe of you and your ability to explain concepts.
Your videos are rewiring the insecure world view …..another life has been saved… i love you heidi preibe ❤i wish all your dreams come true …. You are saving lives 😢
I haven't even watched the whole video yet and I so needed to hear this at this moment. Thank you! I love and truly appreciate how you explain things in an "unconventional" way. The wisdom hits home hard in a great way.
I also really respect how she doesn't 'copy-paste' information but really understands the concept behind it and helps us understand it as well :) I always appreciate a self-aware teacher who can look at how people receive information and translate it. I feel like I'm struggling to say what I mean but I see the effort she puts in.
Now I’m taking this video personally
Lol! Yeah, I feel called out, too! Good thing this one is short. I gotta listen again.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
You made me cry Heidi when you spoke about developing false relationships with paranoia. Someone I love greatly felt that way and I told this loved one if that’s true does it matter if they are watching you?…you can still live a happy life… this person, I think, felt safe and that they are loved by me. This delusion is gone now. But now realizing this person was that lonely and disregulated really hurts.
🔥🔥🔥🔥 binge watching Heidi Priebe’s YT channel is my new hobby. It always hits me out of nowhere and BAM -one more thing to learn to live a great life-. Thank you Heidi!
Your videos are so on-point for me I feel the need to relisten to them until I have them memorized.
I see myself in this thing and I don't like it ;) (I need to watch this about 5 times in a row to fully take in all the goodness that's here. THANK YOU for your clarity Heidi!)
Asking for clarification sounds like a good idea, but when people meant it hurtfully they will most likely not own up to that fact because it would make them feel like a bad person.
Finding your channel has solved a lot of my problems 😂. God bless you Heidi, you're the best.
I've had a problem of taking things too personally for a long time - I'm learning a lot from you, thank you
Its so hard to stop doing though
I’ve really been loving your work. Because it’s balanced and the fact that you don’t randomly insert a sponsor during the video makes it feel very genuine and like you really just want people to be balanced and secure ❤ thank you! Big thank you
I just recently found your channel about a month ago, and I’ve learned so much. I appreciate your recent, regular uploads!
I have recently sought out this type of help on the internet due to difficulties with my romantic partner. No one else has provided such a meaningful understanding of these difficulties and how to find realistic remedies or recognizing when and how to find closure. Three deep bows in your direction and heart felt thanks!
Imma play this on repeat. 🙏
Easier said than done. Another reason I have this profound, all-consuming, hateful envy of others is their casual ability to hurt me with mere words. I wish they could experience the same hell I go through every day. There are a few things I want, but chief among them? Unlimited revenge.
It is hellish being v sensitive. I don’t want revenge - although it would be good to see them get some of thier own medicine. Mostly I just want to be completely alone. For a long time.
There was a time when I easily took things too personally. Now after going through the healing process, I'm not worried about others expectations about me at all.
I so wish I could get to that point!
This is helping me so much in my relationship with my brother. I did find out his condescension and impatience is not about me at all but about the struggles he's going through. Sadly, he doesn't share his inner heart with me and so there are some things I didn't know about until I talked with our mom. She related to me that she hadn't spoken to him about something to do with the family and the reason why was his bad mood today. She elaborated about him not feeling well and some other heavy things going on. It clicked with me that he had attempted to be kind to me this morning but his frustrations slipped out and he got edgy with me. It wasn't about me and I could've dismissed it but I made it about me. "Is he mad at me? Did I do something? Did I just say something wrong?" If I really search my heart, the answer is no to all of those. In short, the thing I'm still learning at 50 is
IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT ME.
I'll keep trying to understand that.
This is fantastic, thank you.
There is too much wisdom in this video, thank you!
Great video. I think I need to watch it about 100x
I totally loved how you mentioned the "forget me" song! I kind of want the feeling being remembered in hateful way rather than being forgiven and forgotten.
Even though it's not healthy in any way, but I kind of like how uncomforting that feeling of being forgotten is, and it triggers me to keep chasing my favorite perkson with whom I fought 6months back and we wet no contact.
Or Adele’s ‘Someone like you’
Please make a followup!
I see myself and learned a lot about awareness steps I can take to "self correct"!
Your videos on these topics are easily some of the best out there - thank you for the insight.
So helpful! Thank you for creating this video
Love it; great conversation/talk on reactionary awareness and internal and external conflict resolution, etc.
I think the personal anecdotes you provide here and there(whether actually yours from your life or not) are very necessary for listener engagement, as opposed to just a bullet point. Itemized lessons are good too so we can stay on task, but integrating with one’s own experience is not easy. Hearing someone else go through the respective process makes it much more accessible.
Thanks for committing to this. We need more of this level quality of content here on the utub. Have a nice …. Whatever!
It's true I could not bear anyone disapproving of me, even in the smallest way. I'm learning to be myself and accept the consequences.
Nor did /do I because in early childhood disapproval (from my alternately warm & cold mother) was existentially threatening. She was the only source of anything related to survival as a child so I was terrified of losing that one voice of approval. My father lived with us but he was an angry immature narcissist. My mother was an over achieving manic DA - worked, cooked, gardened, sewed, primary child caregiver, busy busy busy. Made everyone feel very guilty and indebted to her ‘sacrifice’. In reality she couldn’t stand not being busy.
This is amazingly explained Heidi, thank you for sharing and your knowledge!
Thank you for doing this! You're pulling the courtain away so I can look inside myself and understand my behavior. This is amazing!! I can't thank you enough!
I just so wished I would have found your channel sooner xxx thank you for this goldmine of guidance and explanation of all the mistakes I've made in my life in such a clear concise and understandable manner!
Your channel is a life saver 🙌🏾
I want to comment on every one of your videos how much i appreciate the way you frame these issues. I don't know if you get tired of making content but i truly hope you continue. I am 37 year old dude taking rigorous notes from someone obv younger than me is a bit humbling but (even that is me trying to say people would like me because of my **checks notes** sick ability to be emotionally regulated and calm in every situation) I am just wanting to fix these darned blind spots i have about processing the world around me. The part around 15:20 where you talk about when people assuming they know everything about you. I get that activation too, i will keep an eye on that defensive thing in future. thanks for advice.
Before I learned about attachment styles I took it personally when my dismissive avoidant partner broke up with me and that she seemed to want nothing to do with me in just a matter of weeks. However, I now see it wasn’t “ME “or “OUR” relationship specifically, but more so that it was “A” relationship.
this was the first video I saw by you Heidi a week or two ago and just W.O.W.! Not only was it helpful but it nails so many of the consequences and nuances that come about as things play out. You're highly perceptive, in the best of ways.
It kinda seems like maybe you have first hand knowledge/experience with many of the topics I've watched thus far. I appreciate this more because you're knowledgeable like an experienced psychologist but you also know the intimate details of what things feel like for the person identifying with the topic. I haven't picked up in any shaming or guilt trips. you do really well at presenting things neutrally, and even with compassion and understanding. Thank you for not being judgemental.
I've been on my own healing journey and man, I mostly just research to learn about this stuff. my parents were never good sources to ask for advice or input or empathy. My mom is borderline and behaves in covertly narcissistic ways, gaslighting and manipulation. she never let others see her harsh interactions with me to keep any pleas of help i made uncredulous. She isolated me quite a bit, maybe (maybe) not on purpose, but she always found a "problem" with any friend I had over. and with her neurotic tendencies and oversensitivity to noise (not actually excessive), messes (that were easily clean-up-able), etc, well my friends tended to drift away.
This, now I'm supposedly an adult at age 32 (with a precious 6 year old daughter) whose trying desperately to find where the problems were in my mom's behaviors so that i can do my best to find healthier ways of interacting and behaving. I research constantly. i don't have friends nor healthy/more balanced family members to get advice from, so I'm researching to try to save my own life and to preserve the purity of heart that I wish my daughter to keep.
In my research, I found your videos Heidi. I am thankful for what you share with the community and I'm also thankful for your perspective on things. you have helped me learn so much about myself already and gave suggestions on how to improve. this is valuable insight to me.
I have found you, and to avoid fawning i will just say thank you for everything that you do. I am fighting an inner urge to continue blubbering about you, because of you 😊
Thank you for articulating something I really, really wanted to communicate to some other people to help them protect their mental health because when I noticed this process and learned it here and there it helped me but I had a hard time condensing those experiences (also while heated because when you learn something the hard way over time you somewhat unconsciously expect others to have already known it especially if you(as in me) have gone through an inferiority complex)
1:54 there’s no bad publicity for our mind
3:15 if you are in conflict, you matter immensely
5:00 paranoia
6:14 everyone is meeting their own needs. Whether they love you or hate you has nothing to do with you.
Our worthiness is not linked to what people think of us.
Being perfectly regulated.
One thing i have learned, from painful experiences, is to avoid people who, in everyday conversations, repeatedly use the words "real" and "authentic" ( unless they are talking about antiques, art or gem stones). If they say things like "I want to live an authentic life...", or " I want only friends who are real...", be wary; that person is either very phony or very insecure. And, if they say some variation of " I'm the most honest person...", then run away so fast you leave skid marks.
Heidi, you blow my min dwith EVERY single video of yours. Thank you so much for your analysis, explanation and providing tools to do better. I have been in therapy for sometime. But im learning from you than i did from therapy. Thanks a lot for your generosity.
Oh my god, despite the fact that I'm the one who generally tells people to not take things personally, I've never realized that I do the exact same thing, especially went it come to people I'm really close to, or want to be close to. When you said that this was an attachment style, it finally made sense to me. It's funny, now I realize that both my parents have the exact same attachment style as well. Thank you so much for this life saver!
You have so many truly helpful videos, but this one stands out!
Every time I watch one of your videos that relates to an issue I’m facing, I feel so happy and hopeful because I know I’ve found something that will help me get to a solution
Thank you Heidi. You understand and articulate these concepts so well.
I just found your channel. You speak such wisdom, and I can tell it is going to be practical for me. Thank you!
I'm finally, in my late 40s, realizing I've been doing all of these terrible (well repetitive) things that has been controlling my life for decades.
Wow! Heidi, you speak with such incredible clarity and insight. It’s amazing time to be alive when tools like your channel are so accessible. Thank you!!
You articulate the subject matter in a way that I understand and appreciate.
I agree that being admired etc. *can* have nothing to do with us, but that, imo, is when that admiration is projective: limerence, the narcissistic valuation which produces narcissistic supply, feeling important by association, etc.
When we are good with ourselves, we can authentically admire someone. That experience does not confuse respect with worship. When we are humble we are free to truly value admirable qualities in others, independently of our self-concept. I suppose another way to phrase this is that, when we respect our separateness from others, we respect others’ separateness.
You helped me realize how I go from extremes. Example everyone hates me. Or I'm invisible and I can get away with anything because no one sees me. I think this is similar to children 🤔 thank you
So grateful to have found you!!!! This is DEFINITELY, without a doubt, your calling. Thank you :)
So interesting that paranoia is the end of the anxious attachment spectrum. For DECADES what my parents have projected on to me is that I'm paranoid (my dad did actually go to a psych hospital a couple of times with depression and paranoid delusions). I suppose I do/ did take things personally but I objected to being labelled paranoid and then I was labelled sensitive. I pointed out how I could not win, then I was labelled angry. I am not dealing with my parents anymore. They just will not acknowledge that they hurt me and I seem to need that they do that before I can just play the part of susan again. If they cannot do that small thing then I'm not playing the part they wrote for me. I will be a stranger forever.
I agree with you. We are all accountable, even parents.
I can relate. Ive always been labeled as "too sensitive". Yet, it felt like they were being insensitive to my needs. I often wonder if i wouldn't have been so sensitive if they had provided a secure attachment style for me.
but hey, they were likely doing the best they could with what they had gotten from their parents. they might not have been in touch with their own childhood grievances and thus they were hoping you wouldn't bring it up because they didn't know how to confront their own stuff.
it takes bravery, Susan, to open your eyes and wake up to your own supposed flaw or things that you could improve on. I could be wrong, but Im willing to bed your parents just aren't as brave as you. You are self reflecting in a way that they seemingly didn't. You are brave and you are honest with yourself about things you could improve on. That's what makes you special in this scenario dear. Keep being self aware, even if it's aversive sometimes. only when we see room for improvement can we actually make those improvements. if we were perfect, there would be no reason to adapt or change. someday, you may even take potty in your parents and see their motional immaturity from a place of understanding, that they are human too. They may not have had great resources like we have here with Heidi. it is noteworthy however, to still boundary up and not accept disrespect from them, even if you can see where they were coming from. protect yourself first. Best wishes! ❤️
Oooooo this relates soooo much and it's been sooooo freaking hard for me not to take things personally if only to protect myself. I needed to hear this.
It works. Yes, Heidi, if I'm offended, it's usually about the other person, or, if not, then it's something I've been hanging on to for waay too long....
I use to often take things personally, but now, not so much, although there are some occassions where I may revert back to taking things personally that i can still reflect upon and try to work thur with a renwed perspective.
Still trying to work on capably soothing myself and addressing those insecurities when I do take something personally, or overreact. It's so difficult to know what an overreaction looks like and to let myself feel anger or sadness when I know I'm probably overreacting though, because even while knowing the other person isn't thinking about me, I feel so indignant. It's hard to show up authentically everywhere and to also be able to pull up a shield at a moment's notice saying, "They're not thinking about me, so I can disregard what they're saying," or "this feeling is probably because of an insecurity I'm still working on addressing, so I should muffle my outward reaction to this." I wish discussing triggers was more normalized.
It seems to me to mostly be a physical and emotional mechanism causing the hang up in these situations, so "thinking my way out of it" is tough. Thanks nonetheless for the video as always, this issue is articulated very well here.
That’s so true
Thankyou I just started following your videos, I'm getting so much from them, for inner reflection and as a counselling student it's very insightful, I really enjoy your vast knowledge and relatability when you share your own experiences and healing, many thanks, 🙏
Thank you so much for this. I do feel chronically offended especially at work. For example when I feel like my boss is expecting me to perform while not providing me with clear coaching or worse, is mis-informing me or brushing me off.
Wow! What breakthrough advice. 🎉❤
Thanks for the reminder! I feel like I know this stuff, but forget constantly!
this video was incredibly informative thank you!
You are spot on, however, I hate to even say I’m “offended” about anything these days because I feel like it’s so overused, “disrespected” is a good alternative word for me. It also (for me), makes it about me taking responsibility for my feelings instead of (blaming) stating that I’m offended over someone’s actions towards me. Idk.
"People have the right withing the realm of things that are legal to show up in whatever way they show up in the world"
This is fuzzy from my experience.
Mobbing at work - and without means to find another job, I will get stuck with toxic ambient and toxic people. Where if I do not shut up and if I never say No - is the way to keep safety, security.
I think this taking things personally is connected with finances and poverty and lack of shelter too rather than only emotions.
I am talking about things in external outside of our control which have direct impact on our lives - like living in super toxic poor country with high corruption and without means of escaping it due to papers, legal reasons and or third parties or conditions such illness - or even things like often migraines and chronic fatigue - other than finances. Then the person is stuck with someone who is oppressive, state of poverty - I think this external conditions play crucial role in taking things personally alongside with emotions and working on our Jung Shadow as explained in video (being self righteous and toxic ourselves).
Then this external factor becomes the agent which is sabotaging us - that needs closer inspection. If we decide to fix ourselves only - this external factor will keep on dysregulating us.
If we live in corrupt country where police, judicial system, ethical standards are non existent - where we do not have protection and we get insults and attacks by psychopaths and sociopaths who have protection by authority - then this needs to be inspected: what can we do about these oppressive issues that goes in the realm of politics, totally outside of our emotions and mind patterns.
I think if we work on ourselves, if we become super-forgiving and understanding and have full capacity to not take things personally and not get triggered - that this external factor will do the damage. And I think it would be helpful to realize this external factor is problem - so that we do not take self blame and guilt on ourselves over things which are absolutely outside of our control.
External factor: people, toxic society - will explain and direct and command and brainwash us to take the blame on us, for any problem that they create.
Think of dysfunctional families - where children without school and money are forced to endure life with someone narcissistic and toxic every day.
I would go into this direction of External factor for all of us who have done all the humanly possible inner work and still take things personally due to toxic people around us and situations which are outside of our control and yet in the same time we are explained and mocked and attacked for not controlling and fixing problems which we cannot fix.
Oh, this is just what I need to hear today! Just saw a video of directing three different energies at three different jars of rice [speaking love to the first jar, speaking hate to the second jar, and nothing to the third jar - just ignoring it]. The 'love' jar fermented into this wonderful smelling food. The 'hate' jar fermented into a sour inedible mess. The 'ignored' jar got mold and rotted. Perhaps people sense this and would rather be negatively treated than ignored completely. Which makes me wonder about a religion that would shun and treat as dead, an undesirable member...it's supposed to make said member so uncomfortable that they change and come back. There's a lot to unpack there. I think this information you're giving us here, would be very insightful and helpful to people in that predicament, too. As for myself, my parents used to do that 'shun thing' to me from day one, when they didn't want to deal with [or didn't know how to deal with] my wants and needs, so I'm gonna shut up now and resume watching!
Wow! Perfect timing Heidi. Just realized and experienced this recently. Your insight provides a different perspective that I can use instead of the destructive behavior I have been displaying.
...as always, thank you for being you and sharing this knowledge in a understandable way. You have a true gift. 😊❤️😊
Thanks. After studying healthy relationships I now see narcissism in everyone therefore I'm isolating (going no contact with everyone). I'm not sure that is healthy, but that is what psychology is preaching.
Everyone acts out of self interest. But everyone being narcissistic can't be true. You can choose who to have in your life, but you also have to accept them as they are. If you are in an unhealthy dynamic, do get out. But also try and make new friends. Then you can also compare.
Heidi thank you for being you. You are so clear with the issues and then solutions. You give steps to analyze ourselves and then take baby steps into healing or working it out.
This is soooo helpful. I have never seen someone like you. You are a gift, a professional, keep going.
I have a way to talk now. A way to even ask questions if I get further help. A way to get to know myself which is important in knowing what kind of help is needed. I am excited to grow more.
But what about criticism? What if someone is expressing something you could improve upon or a boundary? Maybe you did something genuinely hurtful or inconsiderate and they are trying to share that with you. I've had people express criticisms in a gentle way as well as a defensive/harsh/direct way. Either way, how do you take that criticism and integrate it healthily rather than getting defensive when it really is personal what the person is saying? For me, it's like I have a hard time taking accountability, especially if the other person is expressing criticism in a harsh way. And it can be hard to feed out what aspects might be the other person's stuff and what aspects are true to my behavior. I just respond to any form of criticism as a threat rather than a means to self-reflect and grow in a positive way.
I'm trying to remind myself - criticism is often about an action you did/didn't do.
Not about your character. When you are acting in an authentic self, you can keep the emotion out of the reaction because it doesn't hurt the same.
When it is about a character trait or more personal, it's going to hurt if it's something you haven't yet processed. That may be guilt or shame for "getting it wrong" but reminding yourself as said above, that it is someone's opinion, not necessarily fact.
Just be sure to find space to sit with the feelings and try to find why it hurts and where the healing needs to begin
This is a great video, very useful, thanks.
(12 minutes in) Very true, just beware not to "use" it for invalidating others. Even when they project their own shortcomings on you, others may see things in you and your actions you are blind to, pay attention
Thanks Heidi! The timing of me watching this video is uncanny. I’m currently in a quasi toxic relationship with work. For years I have struggled with a bully, he’s extremely charismatic, appears to be extremely empathetic, but the actions behind the scenes state otherwise. He doesn’t seem to have any true, emotional awareness, and anytime there is a conflict instead of doing conflict mediation, I just results and the character assassination. A few years back, I approached him to see if there was some thing that I was missing, anything that I had done to upset him, but he denied any issue. So I’m not sure what to do with such individuals. I actually did escape him and things were fine, however, his territory grew, and once again the character assassination started all over again.
…”more ass-holery”… 😂 absolute gold! And even better that it just rolled out of your mouth like it was a standard description!
The last part is very powerful ❤️
I’m trapped in the never ending divorce. Suffice to say, things have become maddening. I have said from the beginning, the only thing I want, is to be so detached from him, I care no more for him, than my ex husband from 30 yrs ago.
I always took so many things personally without apparently realizing, I'm going to need quite a bit of time to bend my head around this idea that I should *not* take these things personally. It feels like a fake mind trick at this moment, but of course I know this is actually true.
What a beautiful video. As soon as you mentioned Lewis Capaldi's song and related the lyric to anxious attachment, I started tearing up. Everything in the video is so accurate based on what I'm going through being in a situation ship with an ESFP. The part about mirroring, self honesty and reflection is something I need to do more actively given my attachment style. Thank you. I truly find myself understood here and that's a big thing for me to say.
I find the mind and the brain extremely fascinating. Human mind can be a powerful tool but it can turn very easily into a prison from time to time. Anyways I sincerely appreciate and thank you for the work you do, your videos helped me a lot to recognize some blockages as well as some defense mechanisms I was enacting without realizing it. 🙏🏼 😊
Me when she mentions the problem: hah, I definitely don't do that
Me when she gives an example: heck
The last bit hit a nerve. However, only three people in and out of my life, are genuinely rude. And funnily enough, deeply into themselves which makes it easier to say no.
I found your videos just in time !!!
Thank you for this! This is something I definitely experience and with these tips I plan on working through it. So insightful I have so much to think about now 👏👏👏👏
This is so helpful. New to your channel - found your limerance video so interesting. This might be a misplaced comment, but several times, my eyes sort of blurred and made the large black pillow in the background become your arms with large, flowy sleeves and pointy elbows. Sort of like a reclining medieval witch 😅 thank you for all your help. ❤
This is very insightful 🙏
1. Necesitamos sentirnos importantes 2. Lo que (no) les gusta a los demás de nosotros, es porque somos un reflejo en ellos. 3. Pedir aclaración, evitar malentendidos.
Used to be very alone and had paranoid delusions. Now I'm in relationship where my partner is verbally abusive. It is hard to draw boundary because I'm scared of being alone again.
I listen to you quite a bit and usually like and learn from your videos. This one however is brilliant and hugely helpful. Thank you soooo much ❣️
U just summarized my life