THIS IS HOW narcissists are made
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- Опубліковано 13 чер 2023
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
"The opposite of narcissism is self actualization" 💯
And it's so freaking hard
My husband was put on a pedestal and told he was special every day of his life (even now at 60). As his mother put it, the sun rose on his head and set on his behind. He is an only child, adopted - and they waited 10yrs to get a baby, also the last grandchild, so was quite spoiled. Overvaluation is just as bad as neglect and also creates narcissists. He is difficult to live with. He didnt show his true self until after we were married though, or I wouldn't have married him. He became the exact opposite of who I was dating. Almost 11yrs in, I'm working to get out.
Out of curiosity, how long were you dating before you married him?
Best of luck. Read up lots and arm yourself with knowledge before making a move. 👌🏻😩
Yep I feel there are many that were given everything they wanted and spoiled rotten.
He didn't show himself before marriage because his mom was still filling his needs. This is a case where living together first might have ripped off the mask. Truly, all the best to you. You can do this.
He likely has abandonment issues from being put up for adoption and if his adoptive parents didn't help him transition balanced, spiritually sound and psychological well? This is likely also why. Since it was 11 years ago, you were likely a little different too then. I never married, but dated a lot and learned a lot. About others, myself, and the c-ptsd I finally started working on. Narcs and bullies in my family, work, and a lot of abandonment issues. Empath, who attracts narcs. So, I'm glad you're here. We all need work. Blessings,
I want to make sure I break the cycle for my children if I possibly can. That's the only thing that really matters now
You already are! Keep going
❤
That is an amazing realization. That having the same experiences in childhood can produce empathy or narcissistic personalities. I felt so much empathy for my narc because I experience the same abandonment and verbal abuse. Trauma bond on my part. So when hurtful things occurred I understood where it came from and allowed things to go on because surly after seeing the damage that was caused the behavior would change. Thank you for bringing more light into this dynamic Dr. Ramani.
✨🔥💖🔥✨
Me too I don’t want my daughter to marry a monster like I did
My mother is the covert narcissist. Dad was her loyal henchman. My sister and I have both been victims of narcissistic abuse, sexual assault, and stalking, after growing up in that house. My mother is 80 years old, and love is still conditional from her. The "appearance of things" is one of her favorite phrases. Everything must look proper from the outside, because "people might get the wrong idea" or "people might talk".
As I have grown older, I have noticed that the only person who actually gives a crap about the "appearance of things" is my mother. I can count on one hand all the times that I have ever heard the word "sorry" from her. "I was wrong" is a phrase that I have heard even less than "sorry'. And those apologies are always backhanded or still place blame on me. Dad was affectionate but physically abusive and emotionally unpredictable. Mom was emotionally unavailable, neglectful, and only gave love if you performed to her expectations. Were either of my parents stable caregivers? Not really.
What are my deep-harbored beliefs? Love must be earned, and love hurts. Neither my sister or myself are narcissists; but, we have both definitely done a lot of therapy and self work to have any resemblance of healthy relationships in our lives, as a result of being raised by one. It takes a lot of work to identify the subconscious beliefs and heal from them. Thanks for sharing this video.
Same here! They were only interested in how things looked to the outside world. There's no love in a narcissistic family system. I am learning how to love for the first time in my life. It takes a lot of work. You are worth it!
Both my parents, father Malignant/BPD?- mother covert/submissive were all about "How" everything looked to the outside world, while the day to day inside version of our family was very much drug/alcohol abuse, psychological abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse and oblivious to the sexual abuse/physical abuse going on within the household between some siblings in the house and others from outside the family. I never once told either one of these "people" (It wasn't safe to be the truth teller ever, still isn't I'm 62) about my sister"s sexual abuse of me or the neighbor kids sexual abuse of me as a child,or my brothers physical abuse of me every morning when we woke up(we shared a room) I told no one not until much later I was in my 20's when I confronted my sister about her sexual abuse of me, only to be dismissed, invalidated, gaslighted by saying "oh all kids play doctor" or " Mom and Dad gave you a roof over your head, food and clothes.They did the best they could" ect. needless to say my whole family , to this day, continues to be very toxic(4 living siblings) narc's on the continuum all of them, mom and dad have died), insisting we had a "Normal" childhood, my heart aches for these folks, my siblings-cause I can see how their unprocessed trauma comes out loud and clear in their day to day lives to this day, so I let that "heart ache" about them, live on a deserted island in my mind, far away from my life. Took me twelve years to go completely No Contact( all live within 50 miles of me) with all of them, I did so before I even had a name for what I had experienced all of my life. I had internalized that I was the crazy one, for seeing, feeling and questioning all this poison in my family of origin, I'm in therapy, I watch and learn everything I can, that is put out by Dr. Ramani and Gabor Mate' ,Patric Teahan and others day to day- and I work towards the hope, I am healing, like the buffalo I'm heading into the storm to get through it to the other side. May the God's help us all.
Yes - opposite parent problems though, and one of my sibling on top of it. Generation plays a part in this too
I’m not crazy but my narcissistic husband would have me believe I am - he never loses and in the later years of our marriage it has gotten increasingly exhausting and consuming. Being married to a narcissist is like fighting cancer.
How are you? Isn't there any way to get rid of him..I'm sure you are trying your best. Just know that, there is help available and your life is not for the sake of suffering. Sending love. God bless!
Sorry you're going through that. It sounds awful. Many of us here get it. What are you doing to cope?
Unfortunately, I have both😢
Save your health, run fast and far.
I made a point of teaching empathy to my children, demonstrating respect for all people and appreciation for the work that others do (like pointing out that the garbage man in our neighborhood waves to everyone and fetches and returns trashcans for elderly neighbors and how that makes the world a better place). I had an agreement with my kids - I had a code phrase "young duck", which meant "Stop what you are doing" that I used to correct them in public, so that others would not know they were being corrected. I also had a "turn over a new leaf" policy, where my kids could say at any point that they realized they were making poor choices and wanted to change their behavior instead of continuing, by saying "I want to turn over a new leaf". I let them make as many decisions as possible at their age, like what to wear - even if it wasn't what I would pick. Finally, I spent a lot of time listening to them and helping them learn to regulate their emotions.
Good job, Mama Duck!
Growing up in the home of a Malignant Narcissistic father, along with a Codependent enabler of a mother. There were numerous challenges where nurturing was absent. Punishment was always plentiful. Encouragement was nonexistent. Perhaps a hell on Earth was the apt title
These days life has begun to become a peaceful blessing in grace.
Exactly! I find it amazing that everyone's story is the same, yet the overall population is still ignorant about these beings.
@@berg8970 The legacy of understanding of this. Is where the generational curses that were once present. Become a strength of growth, as opposed to a beckoning of sorrow and malaise.
For the real work begins not with self. But rather with the children and grandchildren.
I find it amazing that I escaped a similar situation with a semblance of my reason, dignity, compassion and hopefulness in a salvageable state. Congratulations on your peace and grace.
Sounds like my childhood. And less the physical abuse it continued into adulthood.
Same exact childhood ❤❤ working on breaking the cycle
The thing that’s so wild about narcissism is that it doesn’t discriminate. I’ve met just as many male narcissists as I’ve met female narcissists.
When I was around 17, my mom set up a conference for me with my preacher. It was all about how materialistic I was. I didn’t know what the hell was going on, but I respected the conversation. My mom and I never talked about it. Now, at 62, I realize it was really about her being materialistic. Gaslighting and projection by a master manipulator.
I’m trying to figure out if I’m a narcissist. I was raised by one.
My appearance was always a source of embarrassment. I was constantly being ridiculed and humiliated. I became very self centered and lived in my own world where I was the greatest, the smartest, the most beautiful. I knew it wasn’t true but it made me feel better. I could shut them out. They could have my outsides but I would never let them near my insides. I knew they would trash me.
I have had these exact feelings, too. Not every single day, but fairly often. Growing old is helpful for me because my “fantastic brain” and “social Life of the Party” is waning now in my mid 60’s. ( Though I’m still the funniest person in the room at my friends tea parties)😂. Keep listening to Dr. Ramani. I think that by learning from her, I am changing, and I like that!
Do you lack empathy for others? Do you consider yourself better than other people? Do you have a sense of self entitlement? Make a list of traits that are symptomatic of narcissism and see how many you apply for. If you can, if you *want to change yourself,* PLEASE *DO THE WORK!*
My mother was a narcissist and an alcoholic and it was pretty bad! I loved my mom and she apologized right before she died and I made peace with her. I am very happy 😊 now!
My parents love was extremely conditional, unstable and there was a lot of violence. However, I was lucky because they dumped me on their parents when I was little. I spent most of my early childhood with my grandparents who gave me unconditional love and were always available. Their household was very calm and stable. I grew up to be vulnerable to narcissistic abuse but not a narcissist. As a young adult I went thru many toxic relationships before I finally began therapy while also reading about family dynamics and narcissistic abuse. Things changed drastically and I feel blessed and grateful to people like Dr. Ramani and their work. Now I understand what happened, what's going on and how to protect myself.
Literally, this woman's videos SAVED ME! They gave me the guidance that I needed, te information that I was looking for, and the tools that were necessary to me in order to survive and heal. Thanks, Doctor Ramani! Keep it up! For this world needs people like you!
Yup! Dr. Ramani is an institution. One day the world governments will use her insights to solve societal degeneration.
❤
Me the same she is #1 healer
I was just having this conversation about an hour ago about a narcissist that is no longer in my life. He tried to ruin everyone's lives and felt no remorse! My boyfriend and I sat and pondered what made him like that. I even said "no one is born that way! People like that are MADE."
Crazy timing😂😂
@ Morgue in the Void - So true 🎯 🎯 🎯 and so sad. "Some" parents are incredibly damaging. Well said... 👏👏👏 and I'm happy that you got rid of that Narc. Yay you!!!👍🎉🎈🎉👏👏👏
I was taking Psych 101 (@ 1970), when they showed the videos of Bowlby's abandonment experiments. They were very upsetting. I finally asked my mother how long I had been in a children's "home" before getting sent "home" to my mother (traumatized siblings, poverty, neglect and violence) to start school. She finally admitted it had been "about 3 years" (it was closer to 4). I cringe to admit that it has only been recently that I realized that the craziness of "falling in love" was different for me than for some others. I had been taught nothing about healthy and safe attachment; I was feral. No one told me that you shouldn't trust all those, or any emotions until you really know them. Or, that instant anything is likely to be shortlived. Much less narcissism or limerence. I finally got the memo and have spent decades doing healing work, especially inner child work. Dr. Ramani, you continue to do great work - thank you! I hope the next generation is more realistic in their choices and will be happier! Namaste, love and lightning🌷🙏🌈
I only got positive attention from my mother when I did well at school. She dressed me like a doll but I was a tomboy and played outside in the dirt. I always got in trouble for that but she refused to allow me to wear trousers. I wasn't even allowed to wear jeans when I got older when all the kids wore jeans.
Is it narcissism when your parent seeks out ways to make fun of their children? Every struggle, every stumble, every failure was turned into an opportunity for humiliation. Praise was NEVER given. Trying to figure out if mom was a narcissist or some other kind of cruel.
I was always ridiculed and humiliated for any mistake or if I didn’t understand something right away. I was four years younger than my oldest brother; he was the biggest offender.
Narc mother would actively encourage family members to join in on making fun of what they considered my failures as a child. If they had a moment with any new person in my life that person would hear it all, even into my adulthood. Its almost like a combination of projecting their own self disgust and actively coveting your capabilities.
That's awful! I can't imagine ever doing that to my kids. I'm sorry that happened to you. I hope you can heal your inner child.
YES 100% that’s narcissistic
I never, ever heard anything positive about when I was a child from either of my parents. Once my father commented on how white the whites of our young eyes were as a general comment, and it was so rare that it lodged in my head forever. Apparently my father would get jealous of his son being cuddled (or fed, probably) by his/our mother (so she stopped when he was around) and my mother, according to an aunt, would be jealous of any bonding between my father and me. No being Daddy’s little girl for me!
You should do live shows, and call-ins, it would be a huge success.
My son was raised in the intrinsic way, this is why I don't understand what happened with him. He was never, ever devalued in our home, and my sister seemed to be abusive, so I gave my son the choice to set up boundaries around that relationship. When he was born, 30 years ago I attended an outpatient program for quitting drugs, at that time I was offered a great opportunity to work on myself and learn healthy parenting. And my son was on site as well. This program was called Healthy Mom's and attendance was daily and two years later I had started parenting and taking parenting classes and when my son got older he wanted to start going to counseling, with his mom. My son was never called names nor was my household was never materialistic and I never made him feel like he was less than. He was raised in the secure and happy home. Seriously, I think it could be hereditary because the healthy parenting you described is how my son grew up. I also, I never brought home my problems, and I remember my mom laying her problems on me and my sister, she expected us to comfort her at 7 years old, I never did that to my son, I learned how to try to calm myself before interacting with my child. I was always available for my child, and he was a happy child and very loving. Anyhoo, I could go on and on about the secure relationship I had with my son, until he was about 15, that was when things went to hell. Our counselor and I had no idea at the time what, narcissist even was. Neither did I. So, he had control in our counseling and at home when we had conflict at home, and he would bully me if I even asked him to take out the trash. Now, my son is married to a woman/child that is just the kind of parent you described as being a covert narcissist. So, of course I'm not allowed to see my grandson. I was not perfect as a parent but I was always there when my son needed me. And now my grandson is being raised by two narcissistic parents. And I was exposed to the toxicity that is my son's home, before I was tossed away and I fear for my grandson. So, what do you think, about inheritance of this disorder? Because his dad was a narcissistic bully, my father has what you described as narcissistic traits. So, wtf?! 🤷
Thank you for your help. And thank you for being what we needed in our lives. I feel blessed to have found this site.
Sorry, this was so long. But, I am just recently understanding what narcissistic abuse looks like, and hind sight is 20/20.
I have a similar story with 2 of my 4 children and all of my 12 grandchildren. WTF, is the question 🤷♂️. All the best to you.🤞
I also have the sadness of (pretty much) estranged grandchildren, it’s a very specific and permanent pain 💜
I would love to hear more about the biological factors of narcissism. I grew up in a very supportive household but have one sibling that is narcissistic and one that seems outright sociopathic. It seems so strange to me and most of the discussions I hear about narcissism focus on environmental factors.
Was it supportive or were those siblings coddled, enabled and never or rarely faced consequences of their actions? Thats what Dr. Ramani talks about in the first video.
Me too. There are flocks of them in my husband’s family yet some are very empathetic. What gives?
maybe school really broke some people
You were probably the golden child. My sister and I lived in the same home but had very different childhoods.
@@Vangela1 this is soo true...my sister is the polar opposite of me
One of my parents was a narcissist so when my professor taught us about it during undergrad. Changed my life. I’ve been doing the research since 2016 but never imagined now at 26 years old I would be in the situation I’m in. Even when I try to talk about it I scratch myself because of the disbelief like how did I get here. Sleep deprivation, nausea, loss of appetite. I have support and a therapist but my god it’s a shock every day.
I think it's really stupid to buy something name brand just because of the name. Why spend quadruple the price. It's a shame that kids get made fun of at school just because they don't have certain things. If you like it, wear it no matter the price or brand. ❤
"It's all about the presentation" is my mother's literal motto. We constantly had money problems because she has always had that materialistic fixation, wanting the world to see her as richer than she is: new car every two years, constant remodeling, multiple credit cards all maxed because of her shopping habits. In the last ten years she's spent hundreds of thousands of dollars remodeling a house that was brand new when they bought it. It's insane. Now she and my father are elderly and struggling financially because she's blown obscene amounts of money and gone into debt up to her eyeballs trying to live like the upper class on a middle class income.
I snickered when you talked about “I love you when/if…,” etc. As a child, my narcissistic father NEVER told me he loved me. Not even once. I probably would have gladly accepted a “when…” or an “if…” just to get that tiny bit of acknowledgment. Yes, I became extremely vulnerable to all the narcs in my life.
Somehow, I married a man who was NOT a narc. My only explanation is that I very intentionally decided not to marry someone like my father! We just celebrated our 45th wedding anniversary. He is a great blessing.
Dr. Ramani, you are teaching us so much, and I am so thankful. I have had 67 years of processing my effed-up childhood with no father and a narcissistic mother on welfare in the public housing projects of Chicago. Five or six experiences with in person therapy. I was fortunately born with a positive personality and the ability to make friends easily. I became a teacher. Due to debilitating rheumatoid arthritis, I spent most of my teaching career as a substitute teacher, therefore having the greatest opportunity to teach children of all ages. Teaching is BEYOND rewarding! YOU ARE TEACHING US SO MUCH AND I THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART.❤
I'm a teacher too it heals me
Just the first 2 minutes has explained my life-long struggles with body image and body dysmorphia. Growing up hearing how much the exterior matters had rotted away at my self-image. I looked in the mirror at 28 and for the first time saw my beauty. It’s been a lovely journey ever since
Are we seeing more narcissists now than before or are they feeling emboldened enough to no longer feel they have to conceal their personality disorder?
modern society is set up to make people more selfish. its a devils world
I am wondering the same thing as I read so many similar comments here, Reddit, and on Dr. Ramani’s community. It just seems so prevalent in our society & intimately. Like the stereotypical CEO, celebrities, politicians etc. Though who is to say bc u notice it a lot more working on yourself and leaving narcs to themselves. 🤷🏻♀Also we talk about it a lot more openly than ever before.
In my opinion Narcissism blossomed FROM having a true cHump for President of the United to be divided States of America... The Quacks name with held so as to not provoke the Authoritarian dick taters seeking Dr.Ramini'$ help.
It could be a cultural thing.
Yes, I find our culture as a whole growing more and more narcissistic. Very toxic. 💔
Absolutely and this is from my own experience as a child. This may sound strange, but I somehow can remember at a very young age, feeling my mother's depression. She had reasons to feel depressed from the toxic dynamics within their marriage. I was born a sensitive child and this is the only reason I believe I could interpret her emotions. This too has remained with me. I have to be cautious when I pick up others emotions and remember to not take them on as my own.
The other day, a long time friend shared a kernel of wisdom with me about how clean or untidy a home is does not equal moral (or character) value and I really appreciated that.
I suffer from ptsd due to a childhood full of agressiveness from my siblings and not being loved by my divorced parents
Courage, I have PTSD from my last girlfriend, I can't recover so far.
I m finding out that repeat abuse for me for 12 years cause complex PTSD....
@@anadrol9934 thanks, i suffer daily the ongoing fear , anxiety and uncertanty of every day life
Ptsd from abuse you mean I don't think that happens like that dude real scary stuff gots too happen trust me aggressive siblings dude really ?
@@areuarealman7269 beign rapped and beign smashed around for no reason in childhood is no reason to have ptsd?
I was never told "I love you when..." Or "If..."
But it certainly brought my Mother's mood around, if we were having a moment and I did something good, her mood would alter.
For example, I remember before we went into slimming world in my twenties and Mom was having a go at me for something at length to the point where I couldn't help but burst into tears right before we were to walk in the building and she said stop that, pack that in really harshly never mind the fact she'd upset me that much but later on in the group it was announced I lost three pounds and because it was good Mom was happy with me again. So, for me, she doesn't have to say the words it's the actions.
With both parents as narcs, a helicopter malignant narcissist mother, an absent, punitive, chastising, self- righteous narcissist of a father, I ended up with an acutely disorganized attachment style.
Thankfully, I also did have experiences with secure attachments in youth. There were a few babysitters, and the house mothers, teachers, social workers, general staff, and many of my peers at the childrens' home set much better examples. Some days were better than others, but It was the first time since grade school I truly felt like I was connecting with others in meaningful ways. I felt love for people again.
That place saved my future.
I have felt this in my heart & gut for years ..... thank you for confirming what I always saw and felt.
Dr. Ramani, I was not expecting this to hit me the way it did. I especially appreciate how you worded things so that I could apply it to my situation. My soon-to-be first grader has a monster of a father who is leading his family in a sick attempt to turn my child into one of them. She has the sweetest, fiercest personality, but he is downloading the "brat programming" into her when they are together. Your words are kind, validating, and reassuring. Thank you for sharing 💝
So true Dr Ramani. In my house 🏠 it was about appearances. My mom was very self conscious herself with her appearance and it coupled over to my own self image. She was always trying to make me look perfect. Consequently this pattern followed me into adulthood and I became the perfectionist. Unfortunately I put this upon my own daughter and didn't mean to harm her. It also caused eating disorders for myself because my father was so particular about weight. I would exercise constantly. I still have this voice within me and have to be very careful with it. I realized years ago, that beauty comes from within but I was not taught this truth. Interesting how oyr childhood follows us even in the small things. Thanks for all of your videos. God Bless!
That's what I am going through. I based my self-esteem on my abilities. I used to be very social and outgoing. Now I am a hermit.
You are right that the factors can make a child either a narcissist or vulnerable to abuse. My ex was a narc (like pretty much everyone here). I have kids who turned out both ways.
My oldest (34 yo female, golden child) left an abuser when he punched their 2 week old baby in the face (she's ok - no permanent harm) and was almost hoovered but the abuser showed his "old" self again.
My second child (28 yo male, scapegoat) is not a narc but has officially been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. But he got help when he started showing narcissistic fleas and is no longer abusive
My third (26 yo female, invisible child) is an undiagnosed narcissist.
My last (23 yo female, was invisible but became golden when the oldest moved out) is vulnerable to narc abuse. She is also the only one who hasn't gone NC with her father.
So yes, they can go either way
You look so pretty today, I grew out my grey hair, I like it.
1 hour long and worth to watch every minute.
thank you 🙏
Your words echoes my life. Parenting is tough. Thank you for the reminder.
❤
First minute and a half of this video already has me thinking how unhealthy my upbringing was with a narcissistic mother. Grew up listening to things like this and simply thought it was normal. I am so glad I came across this channel. 🙏🏻
This past week has been very educational. This week my brother is visiting from out of state and it means being around my very unsupportive/invalidating family in order to just get some time with my little brother and his family and I need all the tools I can get. I don’t know how you are able to organize videos every day like you do but I really appreciate the chance to be prepared during a time thats going to be rough to say the least.
👏🏽 Bravo for putting in the time and effort to educate yourself for yourself and the sake of your brother. The rewards are definitely going to be intrinsic for you. Btw, my BRAVO is sincere, not meant as outside-seeking validation on your part. It’s just that I’m a former teacher. I loved teaching children and am a lifelong student with a massively narcissistic ( now deceased) mother.
Isn’t Dr. Ramani the greatest!😊
Dear dr.Ramani, you will go to Heaven. Thank you
The phrases that spin in my head from this and various talks are " anxiously attached", " monkey on your back", " know how to push my buttons" and it goes. These videos explain much what I've been experiencing. Narcissism, mmm, I wish I knew about it earlier. I'm am only child to a mother who is like this unfortunately, very controlling & easily upset if things don't go her way. Her partner passed away recently and now living with my family. All my childhood nightmares return. And my poor wife, what she puts up with is unbelievable. If it wasn't for her amazing personality and my supportive kids, I'd be jumping off a cliff (not really) but gee it's so so hard to put up with it all & makes coming home a burden.
The problem with these theories is that how can there be 1 out of 4 children in a family be a narcissist, a real life example?
Love you Dr. I’m still Healing ❤️🩹
I tried incentivizing as “side quests” for my kid to take action for future prep and security. It’s been almost a year and nothing has been accomplished. I thought it was a good idea but I think my teen wants to enjoy being a teen.
For three years now, I watch your videos, and they have been so helpful. I’m 23, grew up with narcissistic parents, and I’m trying to break their cycles now. My father has passed two years ago, and to be fair, I’m relieved I don’t have to deal with his control anymore, it was chocking me emotionally. My mother is still around, always criticising anything and anyone, so exhausting to be around. I don’t think I am a narcissist, I went the other way, and became anxious and vulnerable to one. So the problems I have today are mostly that I feel I’m not enough all the time, and that I focus too much on the exterior of things. Your videos give so much insight, and I NEED to break this cycle for myself and future children! I NEED to do this and try to push myself everyday! Thank you, Dr. Ramani! You have given me the best gift I can imagine: knowledge.
I developed a kind of "self-narcissism" where I became narcissistic towards *myself* but not others around me. I developed a very negative self image and compared myself to an idealized version of...myself. I hate my human body! Being autistic, my maternal unit shamed me (and still does) for my nonhuman mannerisms. She always tells me about how '*YOU ARE ARE A HUMAN!* You're not a god damned alien! You're not a fucking monkey! *YOU'RE A HUMAN! STOP ACTING LIKE A FREAK!!"* So, I hate my human body. i hate my ability to feel such intense levels of pain. I hate my ability to have earned to be so negative and self loathing. I developed a toxic view of myself. I love my mind, my ability feel immense pleasure, but I hate myself also.
I agree with everything you say except about never shaming or humiliating a child. In my early adolescence, after years of being bullied, used, and rejected by many of my peers, I reached a point where I saw everyone I encountered as potential abusers and automatically reacted to them with hostility and suspicion.
One day my teacher took me aside and really blasted me. She told me that it was MY attitude that was making other people dislike and shun me, and that I needed to start being nicer to others.
After crying my eyes out, I really thought about what she'd said, and about my behavior, and realized that she had been right. I soon started acting on this new insight she'd given me, making friends, and becoming a much happier person. To this day, I thank God for the way that teacher shamed and humiliated me that day, though she should have said what she had to say in a kinder manner. How can kids learn right from wrong if we're never allowed to criticize them when they do wrong?
My dad thought fat people were the scum of the earth and that books were garbage. I am a survivor of 2 serious eating disorders that almost took my life. I also can not read well what so ever. Parents must take care
54:53 Absolutely love your definition of self actualization. I have witnessed your own authentic growth as I have my own. I especially appreciate you mentioning it requires letting go of things that I never thought I’d come to letting go of such as my deeply held beliefs about my large family and the infinite love we all had. At 71 - I now realize even though I can feel a sense of my growing authenticity - I never would have imagined it has come with and includes the cost of letting go of things and people that were once permanent fixtures. Add to that the hole that letting go created has now given me the capacity to experience and attract other authentic people. That’s priceless! Thanks again Doc! 👍😊
They are spawned from the fiery pits of hell.
The most recent narcissist I am dealing with (LOTS in the family), we butt heads about how I was raising my daughter with an eye on ensuring her secure attachment. This particular woman insisted I was ruining my daughter by not using babysitters as often as she thought I ought to. She told me that she would never do that as she remembers a breakdown she had when she was left with her grandmother and locked herself in the bathroom because she was so lost in panic. She was raised by two insanely toxic narcissists and very much had an unsecure attachment. Lo and behold, my daughter has NO anxiety being away from me and confidently moves through her world. It's just weird how my family member was trying her level best to sabotage the attachment I was trying to nurture.
That person is jealous and trying to sabotage your healthy approach.
I feel the Kardashian’s and Jenner’s have glamorized narcissism in every way possible. The family have millions of followers who want to emulate them, especially girls under the age of 12.
We all know the parents who NEED to be watching this, aren’t 🤣 they’re already perfect.
Attempted to treat my son in almost every way you advised - I grew up in a family that was very thick, abusive and thick with narcissistic behaviours. But somehow I STILL ended up with young adult who exhibits abusive,toxic and yes, unfortunately narcissistic behaviours! It is beyond heartbreaking
My family was obsessed with my weight, appearance, and was always admonished to not embarrass them!
I am so grateful that you exists Dr Ramani and will always remain grateful! Your teaching made me a better and a wiser person and I feel so proud of myself now! Your teaching is all I needed, you healed me without any help from a therapist !!! May God bless you with everything that your heart desires and I wish and pray healing for everyone here who suffered or suffering narcissistic abuse!
❤
When my brother and I were at primary school (I think that's elementary school in the U.S.), it was always very important to my mum that we told our teachers and friends that our dad was an accountant and that we pretended to live in a better part of town than we actually did. I never did that, as I remember a friend telling me we'd go to hell for lying 🤣 My mum still does this kind of thing - always boasts about what she has and where she's travelled. She tells people what she has and thinks others are jealous of her (she's told us this a lot). She'd elbow me and nod over to someone, laughing about them begging for money if they're homeless or at how they're dressed. I hated that and still do. One day I told her that they might be a nice person and that we don't really know their situation, and that there are rich people who are really mean. She then told me that I've always been against her! You can never disagree with her, or she tells you that your problem is that you're so "opinionated" and "argumentative". When I used to ask my children if they had a nice chat with nanny, they'd laugh and say she said "ask me about me". We still joke about this 🤣She always yawns and looks deliberately uninterested if you talk about anything other than her and even sometimes tells you she's uninterested. If there's any kind of disagreement, she'll go an cry to my dad and act like a poor victim saying everyone hates her. I've never seen this level of self-centredness in anyone else.
Sorry you had to live with her!
Autism is a blessing in disguise. After growing up with narcissistic parents and developing PTSD from this, I at least have the comfort that I will never become what they were. All the more reason to get divorced if you have small children with a narc, because they can turn your children narcissistic.
you can have both autism and npd
65 years old and still working on self actualization- and I'm okay with this!
I’ve trapped my narc dad, we have to appear in court because he wants an interim protection order out against me. I know that there is never progress with a narc. But to finally have my voice heard (by a judge no less) which has never happened because full reconciliation within the family is important to me and my father always gaslighted my needs. I’m so excited. Thanks so much Doctor Romani for being a mentor behind the scenes of my life ❤
Thank you Dr. Ramani. I’m learning a lot from you. I wish I’d had access to this information when I was younger.
Thank you so much for putting together this video. It's really, really informational and enlightening.
Thanks! Your an amazing person. Your talent and support will pay off tremendously!
What is this? Can you give money via youtube now? I searched but couldn't find much about it..... If anyone can provide a link, it would be most appreciated. Thx!
Thank YOU for supporting my channel! ❤
Awesome stuff, Dr. Ramani!! 👍👍
I was thirteen years old. I was getting dressed to go to a school dance and my hair wasn't behaving. I asked my mom to help me fix it. Her response was," Don't worry about it. It will be dark in there and nobody will be looking at you, anyway." My father's favorite nickname for me was "fat ass." He often told me that I looked like "the side of a barn." I have been in therapy for decades. My mother was diagnosed 28 years ago but, recently, I have learned that both parents had NPD, though different types. This recent realization has blown my mind, but now that I know, everything, every memory, every experience fits together like pieces of a puzzle. I don't know how I survived except that I sought the help of counseling, and dedicated my whole life to figuring out what was so very wrong with my family. Now it's done. I'm nearly 70, I'm exhausted. I'm still waiting to feel free.
EXCELLENT CONTENT, Dr. Ramani! THANK YOU for helping me understand my entire family dynamic!
🌟 🌟 🌟 🌟 🌟
Holy crap Dr. Ramani! This was one of the best videos uve ever made as well as one of the best I've ever seen!
This should be a required watch for anyone who wants to procreate! It's like the definition of how to be a parent and how to raise a child. I'm just blown away. Ur wisdom is unmeasurable! But this video was even a step above!
I also really loved the part about the parent knowing what is going on at school. Sadly, so many parents send the kid off to school and have no clue what the kid experienced while there. And too many zee school as a babysitter and a way to get time away from their tiny human ball and chain.
There were so many amazing points, and I'd love to touch on all of them, but it would become a book rather than a comment.
In a few words, THANK YOU so much for this video, and I hope it touches so many lives and as many people as possible sit and watch and take it all in.
Fantastic Job once again!
The buck stops with you. "Strike me down, and I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine". Remember where you came from, don't let it affect you in the here and now. Work hard to improve yourself for yourself. Don't worry about keeping up with the Jones'. Find your inspiration, hold to it fast. The hope will keep you alive when all other lights have gone out.
Thank you Dr for reminding me to be more present and aware as a parent. I will strive to be better even when the girls aren't around.
Not all narcissists have money the ones I know don’t have any money the thing is we didn’t have social media on there plenty of narcissists in the world before social media
I grew up with a narcissistic father. My mother who was empathic and more codependent during my childhood was also raised by a highly narcissistic father and mother who was not necessarily codependent, but was forced into marriage at a very young age back in Japan. My grandfather was very much extrinsically motivated. He was an abusive monster at home, but a picture perfect doctor and family within the community. My father often boasted about his intellectual/and philosophical superiority over most people…including my mom. Growing up, my father would praise me if my thoughts about anything seemed to align with his, or if my choice in friends aligned with his approval. He would often boast about it in front of my mom in attempts to prove his intellectual prowess and domination over my mother. What my father failed to realize is that I was not necessarily in alignment with his mentality, I just let him talk while I observed. He projected his thoughts and beliefs onto me. My father was quite absent during my childhood, so when he would dive into his “ philosophical” discussions with me ( hence, I was 6 to 16 yrs old) it was the only time I actually had with him. My father tried to make me dependent on his “intellectual superiority” to make decisions in life. When his tactics didn’t work and I started rebelling, my father would punish me with discarding behavior. To him, I no longer existed in his world. It definitely hurt, but I learned to accept his total discard in order to regain my sense of self and inner peace.
I had a similar upbringing, I had an enabling codependent mother and a narcissistic father. He would put me down every chance he could and I would rebel. Later in life I received a university degree and our relationship became a series of intellectual debates consisting of him trying to shut me down with his long list of accomplishments and me trying to use scientific research to counter. Never ended up nice and loving, just one trying to prove the other wrong. And when he couldn’t prove his point just total emotional breakdown and insults.
@@PaulUde-tp4bnThank you for sharing your experience. I am so sorry you had to go through that. My heart goes out to you.
Yes my mother said things like that all the time , like why can't you be more like your brother or why don't you be a doctor or dentist 👎👎👎👎 my mother was and my brother was an put down people character assassination. They love to do that to me where my father encourage me, never put me down even when I screwed up it was always there for me mentally help me to do the right thing.
Omg- yes. The attachment stuff, wanting your attention then punishing you. I said, yes, and then you commented about us recognizing that.
You videos are getting me through. Thanks ❤️❤️❤️
I was wondering about this and it seems my algorithms 'read my mind'. Thanks, it's helpful and really makes sense.
Thanks!
Thank YOU for your generous support!! ❤
Hi Dr R! Been following you for a long time! Thank you for your work in this area. I learned about attachment in my CASA GAL training.
Would love to see a video about narcissistic adoptive mothers. As someone who is in the adoption community, it’s something many of us who are adopted have experienced. The pressure to look or act like someone when you have no genetic relatedness and the built in expectation we feel gratitude to a parent who in the eyes of the world is a savior.
So appreciate your voice in the world! ❤
I Love listening to you, Dr Ramani, it's late at night and I really should be in bed but I can't bring myself to turn you off even though I could listen to you tomorrow! You're doing such a brilliant job.
I think this is the best video I've watched today
Very good video as always. If I were to raise children again, I would promote healthy emotional regulation. I would not focus on outward appearance. I would get them involved in volunteering. I would have a set time to eat dinner at the table not with devices, promote conversations during dinner about our day, and promote a reasonable routine. I would teach them about finances and let them manage their allowance and if they mess up, they mess up, they will learn. I would limit outside activities and make family time more important. I would not be overprotective, but set healthy boundaries, allowing them to make mistakes and then teach them conflict resolution in a healthy way. I would do a lot differently. 😊
You have enlightened me so much thank you Dr. Ramani you truly are an amazing person.
$1000 pen, the mansion I was not given money to decorate but was expected to keep clutter and dust free with 5 kids....
Dr Ramani I’m a firm believer that it takes one parent to provide a secure attachment and prevent narcissism, but I think there is also a danger in this. When a child is attached to a parent that is also an enabler to a narcissistic parent I believe this child grows up to be codependent. When they see a parent accepts the behaviour of the other narcissistic parent, the child also mirrors this behaviour and accepts the behaviour. An enabler learns to walk on eggshells and attempts to predict the moods of the narcissist to avoid conflict, the child also learns by example and begins to be very in tune to the emotional state of the narcissistic parent. I believe that over time the child becomes very empathic to the emotions of others but also accepting of narcissistic personalities partners later in life since the enabling parent taught them this is ok. Would be interested to hear your take on this since we know codependents and narcissists have similar childhoods but I think the difference is codependents/empaths had one attachment to a parent but a narcissist essentially didn’t attach to any parent.
I'm no expert but have observed this exact outcome you describe. Child of a narcissist and empathic enabler turned out very empathic but also enables and tolerates narcissistic behaviour from the parent and from a romantic partner.
I'm fairly self actualized after a long journey with lots of hard work. I was struck by you commenting about leaving people behind, because that has definitely been my experience. Sometimes it feels a bit lonely because healthy connection is so rare, but it's better than being inauthentic and surrounded by people who can't see or appreciate my worth.
Given this divine gift for myself and my kids - simply place your kids hand drawn “ I love me” using an eye a heart and a giant me- on the bathroom mirror so every morning and night they rehearse the phrase while looking in the mirror at themselves self esteem is attacked our soul selves from the moment of entry love loves
Very much how I was raised by grandiose narcissist parents Their possessions & image more important than us. My husband & I 100% broke that cycle with our daughters who are now mature kind adults & have children who know what boundaries are & show great empathy & have very valid emotions. We love them all so much and tell them that every single day. ❤❤❤
I have heard about attachment theory, but not when my daughters were infants in 1968 and 1971. The prevailing gospel at that time in the U.S., as far as I was aware, was Dr. Benjamin Spock, who stated you must put the infants and toddlers down for their bedtimes, close the doors, and let them cry it out for an hour or so, if necessary, so they learn self soothing. It still haunts me to this day, that I did that. What do you think of that practice, Dr. Ramani?
Wow Dr.Ramani, your eyes look stunning in this video!
narcs don't have any way of Internally validating themselves and they're so miserable inside, so what they project on you is what they carry inside. The healing is getting back to the you before all this happened.
My mom always prioritize arts over pure rational knowledge because she always thought that one has to growth the spirit not only material things. I think that was pivotal in my life. I wouldn’t say I have a really healthy relationship with money, but I think that foundation serve me to not pursue validation only on my career.
The commercials are SO much louder than Dr. Ramani. It’s startling every time and makes me want to turn the channel but I love Dr. Ramani! Is there a way to fix this?
Amen! On the road to complete serenity.
The toxic mother said to me when I was a child, "Some of you kids weren't wanted". Both parents proved that thousands of times throughout my childhood. You can eat ( when I did eat ) in the other room by yourself, " You can live in the basement, we'll bring the food down to you so there is no need for you to come upstairs, just to take a bath".
I would have been better off if I had been raised in an orphanage.
I‘m sorry that you had to grow up like that. It breaks my heart. I can only relate very little cause luckily us kids only visited my father every second weekend for three years and after that didn’t have regular contact. But he destroyed so much in us manipulating and neglecting us interestingly also in the basement (it was cold, dark and no food but chips)
@@leeaschmidt2490 We survived. We are not victims, we are victors, Congratulations.😃
@@davidJohnsonguitarguy True. Congratulations to you too!!!
to love is to witness beauty
to hate is to witness ugliness
I realize this is far less impactful than for a child but the conditional live theme reminds me of when I was dating in my 30s. Men used to say things such as “I like your legs but not the rest of your figure” or “I like your appearance but not your intensity” as if they could somehow order parts from a catalogue! This really hurt! 😢
Good talk this is the true fact Dr
Fascinating. I have an obviously narcissistic relative. (Note his two adult children are not speaking to him.) He’s no way only into materialistic things (though yes he likes to be known to be comfortable), his politics have always been righteous, and he cares deeply about social issues. And yet, with people in person he walks the walk of a narc, a lot. I.e., not sure the materialism bit is the only tell. Love to know where this “came from.” Wasn’t external incentives as far as I can tell. More about being an ignored & probably anxious middle child is my guess, along with a bullying older brother. He somehow came out of it all on the worse side.
Ok, yes, talk about “anxiously attached” adults, fascinating. The whole fam drama went on recently, exactly as you described. Almost all these folks, whom I must add I love dearly, are in their 70’s. Some things change, but basic things often just stay the same.
I feel worse for his kids, and his grandkids. He just can’t break through to taking full responsibility for his rude behavior, and letting people be. Just (take a breath) be. Narcissists lose so much beautiful love, it’s a truly sad & sorry state of being. Unfortunately some family members find that so very sad that they either take his side, or get wound up in their own feelings. Kind of a no-win scenario. Thus, a mess and many hours spent cleaning it up. All exhausted, back to square one.
I got abused as a child, I also had a lot of not so pleasant things that continued to happen... A lot of hard things, I am only 36. But I look inward all the time and even as a kid. I've always had a very big heart ..but I realized something recently...that I would give that kindness to anyone but myself ...cause I felt unworthy...it took a long time to realize that I deserve that love I give to others... That I myself can give myself love and support. I just felt so alone on the inside for a very long time. I'm continuing to navigate it... The hardest thing for me is when my dad found out he said it's already been done and nothing was done about it...it hurt the inner child in me to think my dad/protector didn't do anything even then...it took a long time but I learned and came to accept that even though I was only in fourth grade when this all started...I had the mental strength to protect myself the best I could . And I don't knock myself for that.
It's always a great mental journey comparing and contrasting my life experiences with your dialogue. I must admit it's also a little exhausting, this compilation was more so. It has often surprised me what my children remember being told, and what I recall my parents telling me - the parent rarely recalls the same thing. Memories are not chiseled in stone. I like to think I'm self actualized, but I'm not sure how I would really know, I'm pretty sure it doesn't matter.
I can relate to the punishment. I'm almost 40 yrs. Old taking care of an addict father who is 57. I sit back a realize I was mulnipulated by his actions to use drugs, alcohol, and sex to be seen. Then suffered severe punishment after acting. Thankfully my grandfather was there to help financially, mentally, and emotionally. However then I also recognize that his support was defined as codependent. For instance I find a significant other we start planning on future goals, here comes my father to discipline us both financially, mentally and emotionally. Which always lead to jail, prison, and/or mental institution. Then of course my grandfather was once again sucked dry financially, mentally and emotionally. I see this and I feel horrible that I cant help my 90+ year old grandfather realize what he has done. Deep down I know he knows but refuses to admit my father's ignorance due to his faith and power of prayer thought process. Please know I wholeheartedly believe in the power of prayer but I also recognize the ignorant behavior. My grandfathers daughter, my mother passed away due to the sicking person my father became. I hope this helps someone today.
Peace be with you!