I’m retired military- wicked case of PTSD, survivors guilt, depression. Smh, man do I understand how much it can hurts. You can look “fine” on the outside, and on good days you can mask it and fake smiles and polite conversations, but even those little interactions are exhausting… and on bad days- which can stretch into bad weeks and even bad months- just taking a shower is a fete. I don’t have much advice other than keep pushing on. You are not alone in your struggles, and you have so much life ahead of you! Thank you for sharing your story with all of us. The courage that takes is truly admirable. Good luck and God bless ❤
"I'm a fuckup" I felt this today. I have so much shame around failing at basic stuff like keeping a *somewhat* tidy home. It's worse than just laziness. I can't even express it out loud because of how embarrassing and ridiculous it is when I hear myself trying to explain how challenging it is for me. I applaud you for being able to share this stuff honestly. It sucks.
This. This is exactly how I feel about work sometimes, when I'm late which is like a constant though it's not often, and exercise, even though know for a fact it's going to make me feel better and healthier and better looking, I STILL don't have the energy to get up and do it even with all the time, resources and incouragement in the world. Basically I feel like sht and the things I know are going to make not feel like that feel like a punishment for existing rather than a privilege that many people don't (which is how I want to look at it) 😔
Can relate Hard. The only nugget of advice i can accually vouch for is that Environment is everything. Set your environment in a way that makes hard things easier.
Omg, but your voice has softened sooo much in 3 years! Celebrate that sweetie. It's early days still. I know it's easy for me to say when I'm not going through what you are, but honestly, you're so young and you are going to be just fine. I actually think you are so intuitive, particularly so. Thank you for sharing and please find things to be grateful for every day and try not to fixate or close yourself off. You can do anything chicky! You have the power but it does sound as though you need to be a bit firmer with yourself. The more you get going, get productive, get off the couch, the more you will like yourself.
Deuteronomy 11:16 KJV Take heed to yourselves, that your heart be not deceived, and ye turn aside, and serve other gods, and worship them; 2 Timothy 3:13 KJV But evil men and seducers shall wax worse and worse, deceiving, and being deceived. lets analyse the lies through which are we daily deceived: lie: schools are of use (fact. schools keep slavery alive and stands for dumbing down the population of mankind) lie: moon and mars landings, (fact: even masons know they cannot leave - earth is closed system, unless you want to drown, there is no other place created for us to live in.) lie: news channels share truth (fact: these are for politic propaganda) lie: voting matters (fact: politic propaganda) lie: money has a value of its own (fact: it is just a tool of this world, which value has been agreed upon world wide, it should be not loved, only used as needed.) lie: NASA lies (globe and all....) (fact: NASA stands for TO DECEIVE and 2 members expose their own lies, one is still alive, the other (Wernher Von Braun) place a clear clue on his own gravestone) - you havn´t searched - have you? lie: the lgbtq++++ propaganda (fact: it is a part of masonry depopulation agenda, 500 000 000 souls, thats their goal - Georgia Guidestones! - who said it be worthy to forget?) lie: Evolution and the dinosaurs. (fact: mankind is not hybrid kind) to keep stating that there was an evolution, then we ain´t humans, we aint then mankind, we are then hybrids. Are you a hybrid? Lie: holidays (xmas, Halloween, new year eve and so on) (fact: PAGAN HOLIDAYS, to praise BAAL, the god of this world) lie: U.F.Os (fact: they are demons/evil spirits in high places, against whom we fight daily = spiritual warfare) lie: rules and laws rule the world (fact: signs and symbols of masonry do) lie: believe in being educated (fact: found daily living with the lack of knowledge) lie: religions are ways to heaven (fact: JESUS CHRIST is only way to heaven. Religions, no matter its name = masonic garbage) lie: our dead loved ones stay around to “ghost” (fact: hunting and ghosting is job of demons, not of humans. We, humans, come from GOD and return back to HIM and all the stories of having been seen a ghost - terrifying, scary, dark, cold - again no job of analysing been done here by you- right?) Lie: Humans have no immune system and we need vaccines as these save lives (fact: humans HAVE IMMUNE SYSTEM and vaccines are created for one or two purpose: to kill or to cripple. If you took all their poison shots then later in life comes all kinds of medical diagnoses = vaccines crippled you - remember that) lie: there is no GOD (fact: There is GOD, who redeems sinners and created us directly from the dust of the earth: Psalms 139:14 (KJV) I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.) to keep claiming that there is no GOD and we aint created directly from the dust of the earth, we soon run out logic, regardless to we place “evolution” in our claims or not and our dead, whats happening to them as they sleep in their graves? - they decay away, becoming the dust form which they were taken, if it ain`t so then we are simply reality deniers. lie: 911 was terror attack (fact: 911 was an inside job, meaning the work of your loved government) lie: TV watching is of use (fact: television (TV) = tell a lie vision, a weapon for our minds, keeping it under MK ULTRA) half lie/half truth: earth is a stage where everyone plays rolls (fact: earth is stage, a freemasonry checkerboard, where both side, black and white are masons and humans both in politics and regular souls = the naive public gets daily played) lie: children are government to raise (fact: children are parents to raise, it takes 2 to make them, it takes 2 to raise them). Lie: we live already in the matrix (fact: we live since birth in BABYLON which is to become “matrix” as Man - us, must merge with machine aka take the mark of the beast and then matrix aka false reality becomes to be 100%) lie: humans are not intelligent enough (fact: it is forgotten fact, we all are intelligent, many have suffered the illness from this world, being indoctrinated by masons, cause who give us the school system which we have? masons did, because they need slaves). Lie: love is low standard and = lust (fact love is high standard as love means> John 15:13 Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. Lie> do what thy wilt there is no body who has the right to judge you (fact> GOD SHALL JUDGE YOU AFTER YOU HAVE DEPARTED ON EARTH and Christians are also called to give out righteous judgment, therefore repent * born again * go and sin no more) lie: slavery is over (fact: slavery was never over, it just changes a little as we are no longer buy`d or sold, still prepared through school systems for our future slavery, succumb to our slave lives based on our free will) lie: BIBLE is man written and a fairytale (fact: BIBLE is written by GOD, through man, bible is not fairytale. BIBLE IS: BASIC INFORMATION/instruction BEFORE LEAVING EARTH = BIBLE. A book - yes, book which we all need as it is only one filled with information and instructions we all need for life on earth. Lie: Miss beauty contests around the world is about beauty of FEMALES (fact: these contests are about beauty of MALES IN DRAG) lie: Medical “virus” known as COVID 19 (facts: real VIRUSES are in Hollywood and kept secret: - THE TTM virus = being tare, trans, mason. Lie: There is no truth, no right nor wrong and all is allowed as long as you are happy. (fact: truth is easy to find, search: BIBLE + FREEMASONRY and expose masons in masonry). 28 lies, should i go on? Proverbs 20:1KJV Wine is a mocker, strong drink is raging: and whosoever is deceived thereby is not wise. Galatians 6:7 KJV Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap. 1 Corinthians 15:33 KJV Be not deceived: evil communications corrupt good manners.
Elle,I have been following you for years now, and my heart is with you. Right now I am with my adult child who is so severely depressed. I had to travel to be close to him and take care of him. I would encourage you to continue to reach out, Continue with counseling and find your purpose for being here. We are not accidents, everyone is here for a reason. I will keep watching if you keep talking. Honestly, I think your purpose is being here and speaking up. Thank you.❤️
I'm losing my will to live for a number of seriously messed up things. Thank you for being there for him. ❤ My sister is your typical too busy. I was diagnosed with diseased/screwing up aortic valve. I have to decide if I want valve replacement surgery so I can live another 10-25 years...I'm 46 and life has...become pretty miserable-for good reasons. I'm leaning toward just letting it kill me within a decade. I am SO glad he has you! ❤
Ellie, I hear your confusion, and pain. You are not alone even though you feel like you are. I have never written a comment on UA-cam before, and it took me over an hour to figure out how this works. We are always learning. The feelings you have, we all have had some time or other, so the idea that you are not right in your thinking is a lie from someone other than God. You are a wonderful person, beautiful and I'm
Hey. I believe I am AuDD which is Autism + ADHD. You might want to look into that because I have all the same struggles you do. I unfortunately cannot give you any advice because I only leave my apartment to get groceries, visit family, and take my dogs out. I am currently lowering the medications I am on because I want to actually know who I am without them as I have been on them for 10+ years. We really weren't meant for the way the way the world has evolved around us. I am an artist that can't produce any art because like you said, the set up to doing it would be exhausting and I would just want to go to sleep. Since going down on my meds by half over a 6 week period I have felt good enough to go walk across the street to have breakfast at a diner.
Keep focusing on just walking outside your house. Backyard (if you have one) or walk out front. Try to stay outdoors for at least 10 minutes....(or as long as you can) control your thoughts. If they're not positive, let them GO!! (They're just thoughts!) Try to extend a few minutes everyday. Focus on full, positive reaffirming breaths. You got this!!! ❤🙌
Hi Elle, what you described here reminded me of how I felt in my 20s and early 30s. I'm now in my 50s. :-) I believe you're taking all the right steps: continuing to push through and seeking sources of energy and liveliness. You mentioned all the key points: spending more time outdoors (even a very short walk or bike can make a big difference), being more open with your therapist, and finding a suitable hobby (without heavy machinery, I assume). Eventually, all of this will pay off. And I'm quite confident that at least some of your co-workers really like you, because you are truly awesome.
Elle I feeeeel you. I’ve had anxiety since I was 7, depression since about 11, adhd diagnosed at 24 and there’s a lot of signs now pointing me toward autism. I’m nearly 29 now and I’ve struggled a lot in the workplace, I’ve never had a job for longer than a year. It’s a strugglebus. No advice but solidarity with you. ❤
So get this. Depression is overwhelming. I can’t even go through with starting a job because my depression talks me out of it. It tells me I can’t handle this commitment and I believe it every time. 😢
Do you have a roommate or a family member perhaps you could live with? I find that it’s way easier to be active when you live with someone you’re close with. Then you can share responsibility of making meals, cleaning the shared space, doing dishes, etc. That’s an easy way to start growing responsibility, as long as you have a solid relationship with the person you’re living with. I also suggest hiking regularly once a week (or maybe in your case taking a walk one a week). A regular routine helps us all. Wishing you the best and praying for you. ❤
Hi, Elle! I can completely relate to everything you said. Earlier on in my life, I would bounce around from one job to another. I would always find a “reason” in my head to justify why I left. Later on I matured, realizing that I must work because my family relied on me. But the major realization that I came to was that in order for me to “stay” in a position, I must do something that I enjoy. For example, before I became disabled, I was a Webmaster for a large university. Building web sites and pages was a hobby that I would do in my free time anyway, so landing the job and getting paid for something that I enjoyed was amazing and added some happiness to my life. So my advice would be to find a job doing something that you wouldn’t mind doing in your spare time. What was your “When I grow up I want to be a ____?” You seem to be more cheerful today compared to a few days ago and I am so glad. You’re beautiful, Elle! There is absolutely nothing wrong with you! You’re eyes are absolutely captivating and I love to see you smile, as it’s infectious! There’s nothing wrong with you! You deserve love and to live a happy life! I hope that you can start really living and give yourself the opportunity to live out your dreams! ❤️🌹❤️🌹❤️
Wow. What a beautiful post. There's a quiet power behind it, as with so much that you do. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but your honesty and trust in yourself and your experience is incredibly powerful. You are such a (oh no, here comes the n-word) nice, kind, gentle, and social creature, in need of consistent exposure to nature and the out of doors just to feel alive. Imo, this has to be part of your on-the-daily. Your day-to-day work. You would do well to find a job in the Parks Department, or Water Treatment Plant, etc. Work that gets you out & meeting people for part of the time, being outdoors for part of the job, working with your hands for part of it, and also using your intellect. Not sitting in meetings hour after hour, not trapped under factory fluorescents with crappy ear protection slowly eroding your ability to savor your favorite jams. Your post made me reflect that amabs likely don't realize how their built-in lifetime supply of testosterone is a real, honest-to-goodness, genuine mood elevator all its own. To everyone - but to afabs especially - it's * bingo * you guessed it, a performance enhancing drug. I'm recalling times when you touched on kind of the pure, clear....backbeat of life, for lack of a better expression, that T provided. Uniquely, you've been through and have deeply felt both sides of this portion of the human experience, and have struck upon a precious, precocious experience all your own. No one will ever take that away from you. You are Elle. - u r L - And you are finding yourself. We are not destinations, we are journeys unto and into ourselves. How the body responds to both sets of hormones is something most of us will never know. You've walked a path of Greek myth. It's been an honor to be given such access to the insights and experiences you have had. I'm consistently humbled by your kindness and vulnerability and willingness to let us in. Idk precisely what you do for a j.o.b., but don't worry about a career rn, just get your foot in the door with a city or county. At the municipal level, you'll find more worker protections, better benefits, and more stability in general, particularly when you join up with AFSCME. Your journey is amazing to me, I'm super proud of you. Why do I feel as though even a little summer jibbity-job at your local golf course could be terrific toe hold for you to get some municipal experience? I met such awesome people (and a few dicks, like everywhere) and the time FLIES by so so SO fast, it's almost painful lol It's so much fun to be outside all summer, washing golf carts, raking sand traps, finding lost golf balls in the rough, giving 'em a buff up and selling them back to the thrifty golfers themselves to practice with. Driving the beverage cart with a picture of my little brother from 15 years before, gosh was he ever a sweet little cutie! He died in 2020 in his 40s but that lucky picture of him, I put it up at every job I work! Private golf courses for the beverage cart in the heat of the day are awesome ngl, set up your cash app / zelle / apple pay / qr code etc on your beverage cart so golfers can tip via their phones. The hours aren't terrible. Or whip weeds along fence lines, spell out your co-workers names in cursive in the grass, it's fun! Wash down golf carts at the end of the day, make sure they're plugged in or fueled up, etc. It's smelly f u n work, and though it's not a career, it's a stepping stone and an open door... Yeah, co-irkers are irksome sometimes, less so at community courses, but in the main, people are there to enjoy their time and one another's company. Plus it's fun to help people enjoy life :) As with every single thing in life, The Name of the Game is: Show Up On Time. That's it. Do that, and you have all the no-shows beat! People are not looking at you as much as you think, at all, really(!), EXCEPT WHEN YOU'RE LATE FOR WORK! They are totally self absorbed, otherwise, particularly at the course! Ask for help when a task needs 2 or more sets of hands, people for effort crunch and/or time crunch. Take initiative when you know how to do something correctly, but ask for direction if you're unsure of how things should be done - before implementation of a lot of energy. I.e., let's be certain the boss wants all 500 rolls of new sod laid end to end before we start, because that doesn't pass the smell test. We don't want to have to reroll 499 heavy, damp, fringy turf cuts if we don't have to now, do we (who, me? ha ha wut now 😅)? ASK. Don't assume you can read minds, you can't. There's no shame in asking! lol (this backbreaking sod story is based on a sqishy smushed but truthful story, names & details blended to protect the environment and the innocent 😅) Elle, yes, you, you DEFINITELY need to be out in nature, my gosh, park ranger, fire spotter, hiking guide, ski instructor, something where you are breathing clean air and using the large muscle groups to strengthen your heart and lungs. You have a natural prowess for athleticism - a gift that has nothing to do with the performance enhancements that any T at one point may have afforded you - and regardless, those would be long gone by now. And this in particular, is why I am blathering on in my comment. It's entirely possible this round of depression might not have been, or might not be, weighing so heavily upon your shoulders, but for the fact that * you * have * experienced * T * - and the natural (I know I know, just hear me out) mood elevation it provides a human body. In other words, on the margin, your body was once attuned (in harmony) with a different, higher, level of testosterone. That level is now attenuated (thinned) to your arguably natural levels now, such that your brain and body are no longer bathed in it, plain and simple. Yours has been a rare, honest, open journey, one of, of so many unexpected extremes... and of gentleness, too... but what your moods must go through and have endured, gosh.... I wish I could spare you any more difficulties or suffering, particularly depression. Get outside, move your arms and legs, look at the skies. I empathize with certain kinds of particularized self made h.e. double hockey socks 🧦 er, sticks..I look for ways out of our self made penitentiaries. Anyway, I encourage you to give it a try, apply to your local city /county / metropark / you name it / parks dept for a summer job. Wash those golf carts, quickleg a few vegan burgerdogs and Mick-Ultra's at the turn for the super-tan super-funny super-loud and why I do not know quite short in stature except for one giraffe, ladies league carts heading out to the back 9. If they generoualy take you under their wings in a drunken moment of protective instinct, just let them. I'm shorthanding some silly stereotypes for comedic purposes, in part because it's 5 am and I've dropped my phone 3x trying to buff up this comment lol Just put yourself out there, L, you'll dig it! Life is constant change, we are constantly under construction and destruction and reconstruction, rebuilding ourselves at the molecular level, that's all bound to show up on the outside at some point! 🫀♥️🫀
Suffered from depression all my life. There are ways to get treat ment and have a happy life. Do what is needed to help yourself. Stay out of your head.
One of the worst things about depression is the way it overpowers your own common sense. For me the rational part of my brain knows that my actions are not logical. But I feel compelled to act like this anyway. I know that being avoidant is only going to make my problems worse. It's easy to know that, but it can be hard to convert that knowledge into action.
@@MelvinJ64 Well, 6 years ago I quit my "grown up" job, and I still have a cushion from living like a college student for 7 years while working full time. I don't spend from the cushion typically, but it gives me security and flexibility. My biggest hobbies are kayaking and woodworking. My first kayak was a wooden one that cost 200 (300 with repairs). I upgraded to a really fast fiberglass model (heavily used) for 500 last year, and I LOVE it! I never eat out unless the social situation requires it, nor buy ready-to-drink coffee products, etc. I rent a room in a house, and have the cheapest cell plan. Yesterday I gave my friend 60 bucks so he could afford to go swimming this week--generosity such as I can afford it, is a priority for me. Alaska's PFD helps but is not essential to my lifestyle.
@@MelvinJ64 Having Medicaid via Alaska Really helps out also, so I guess I am being subsidized some. I don't feel bad about it, as I dedicate much of my free time to unpaid efforts to make the world and Alaska a better place
@@MelvinJ64 I don't know why anyone single and earning a good rate works full time. If a single person can get by working full time at $17/hour, then why does any single person choose to work away all the energy of their lives working full time at $34/hour, when they could live on half time? The "stuff" one can acquire and do doesn't seem worth the energy of ones whole life (at least for lower energy types like me)
I know exactly what you’re going through. There was a period of my life where I was going through chronic major depression and I remember getting into this mindloop every night: I am tired and I want to go to bed, but I can’t go to bed until I brush my teeth, I can’t brush my teeth because I’m not sure if I’m done eating for the day. And then I would be in bed until about 4AM, anxiously looking at UA-cam and exhausted because I had such bad executive dysfunction. I’m not stupid, and I knew I was behaving in a ridiculous way. But I was also very confused by my life direction at the time. I’m still depressed, but I’m a doctor now with ironclad discipline and I have really learned how to get past this. Firstly, very, very, very small tasks. Make a to do list that is extremely long with very small tasks that you can check off. Checking things off a list is so euphoric, it’s hard to describe. In my case, it would be something like “take the blanket off, sit up, put my feet on the ground, stand, etc” you just need to get started. Secondly, you need to set boundaries and you have to make rules. This can be hard, because a lot of people interpret boundaries as a negative thing, especially with yourself. But you’re allowed to say “when x happens, I will stop doing y”. Sometimes saying no to yourself is an act of love. When you start getting structure to your life, you may realize you enjoy it more than you might think. I think a lot of executive dysfunction comes from just not knowing what to do next, but you don’t have to live like that. Also consider reading Atomic Habits, I’m not a self-help guru person, but this book is actually very good.
I sure relate to the watching UA-cam all day. Because I'm retired I can do that. I also should be getting out more. I suggest you put goals in front of yourself. One of the easiest is to make sure all the dishes are clean before you have a meal. If you like nature then talk yourself into doing each of those tasks, step-by-step, that you need to get out there. Find new nature places to go and explore. Use your time on the computer to search for adventures and then challenge yourself to pursue those things. The process can help to distract you away from thinking about yourself, or about how others are perceiving you. I can relate to your distance from your co-workers. They thought of me as a weirdo but I didn't let that bother me. Look to work as a challenge do your best and demonstrate your worth there. Work towards avoiding pissing others off and instead strive to make things easier for your co-workers. You might even have some suggestions for how things could be done better. You may have some weaknesses, such as the awkwardness. Try to identify the strengths that you have and then enhance them to compensate for some of those lesser qualities. You should continue your interest in woodworking, perhaps starting at home. The instructor was being dramatic because they wanted the students to be very cautious and pay close attention to all instructions. The power tools have many safety features but that is not enough. You could look into getting some hand tools for carving and craft work. A chisel, some type of hand saw and a wood file, is a good place to start. It helps one get a feel for how the material behaves without taking a serious risk. Forests are my favorite places. I feel like I'm in a temple when immersed in a dense old growth redwood forest. I see the wondrousness of nature and work to capture images of small things that others would likely miss. I'm glad you shared some of your daily life in this video. I hope you find something valuable is some of my suggestions.
I dont stuggle with work/schedules. But what I can say is that youve got to show up if you want to grow up. With that said, since you feel better outside how about taking some time to photograph nature or people and architecture? Do something that you can use as a form of connection and expression. I can share some examples but in absence of that capture what inspires you and that which makes you feel alive.
Sometimes, our bodies and minds just need rest. Depending on the circumstances, think of it as self-care? Of course, sometimes, it might not be the healthiest choice, but I think that your insight and intelligence will carry you through. 💚 I've been reading and experiencing the positive benefits of just lying on the ground or even the floor, at home on my back (not in a fetal position) but on my back with arms stretched out and legs stretched out or open at the knee and then, just breathing. This can settle the nervous system faster than taking extended naps and lying in bed. Drinking or sipping cold water when stressed out, or not, does wonders for me too.
I feel your struggle Elle! I have mdd and cptsd. My advice would be on the days you just "cant" , be kind to yourself. Accept it for what it is, snuggle up , "enjoy" it and tomorrow is a new day. For me when I'm really down, cbt isn't helpful, I just have to do the above. Ssri 's were awful for me too but it's worth talking to your doctor because certainly in the uk, there are other drugs which are worth a try. You have had such trauma in your young life, I'm not surprised your noggin needs a break every now and then! Please give yourself a huge pat on the back, you have overcome so much. You are a natural communicator , I can see you writing a book one day you know! You are beautiful inside and out. Put your feet up today, have a cuppa🇬🇧, and take it easy xx
For depression, listen to music you really love and visualise yourself as the singer wowing your old friends and relatives, especially regressing the time to your school days. Say you are listening to Celine Dionne. Imagine yourself singing the song in your band, at a younger age of about 14, plus include the amazing things you purport yourself to be doing, such as helping the needy, being a teenage activist, inspiring the needy and you are liked in your school. It is really cool. Been there, done it.
I really relate to the feeling of not being able to do anything but then feeling well once you actually do stuff or get out, I suspect I have ADHD and this has been a struggle forever. I have so many hobbies and things I would like to pursue that don't go anywhere because once my routine changes or I skip the activity one day I'm not able to pick it back until who knows when. This makes me feel like a failure and like I'm not reaching my whole potential. One thing that helps me is doing the stuff without making stops or resting, for example, instead of going directly home after work, I go first to the gym. I also relate to not being able to be friends with coworkers. To me, I can't really open myself with a person I have to see everyday. If things get awkward between us or we get into an argument, I would have to keep seeing this person, that's why I feel I can't talk about my opinions and intimate stuff. Also, usually on a workday I don't feel very talkative, my brain is in "work mode", even at lunch, and unless we go outside to grab some drinks or something I don't feel like socialising at work.
Been depressed sucks.....I know....I have been there. I had an open heart surgery and fear used to grab hold of me and I used to feel save at home. But with time and physical therapy, I started forcing myself to go out for 10 minutes everyday, just for a short walk and that became a routine of walking 30 to 40 minutes. This was the way I broke out of it and this propelled me to become normal again. Getting out and getting sun, smelling nature or running into others will help you to get out of that funk (what I call it). Also please get help, it helps as well. I will continue to pray for you and your familly.
Elle I have been with you for a while. Just as an observation I think you are extremely bright. What I have found in my over 60 years on the planet is that when my mind is stimulated and occupied on a job that requires good mental skills it would serve to take me out of depression and apathy. Whenever I had a job that was a challenge to my mental faculties I did really well. The time just flew by and before I knew it I didnt even remember what I was depressed about. Just a thought ❤
Good afternoon Elle, I can understand what you are feeling, I'm 68 and I'm transgender and I'm retired twice now. I spent 22 years in the army and I'm a retired Master Electrician. I worked for 50+ years and I have to tell you that it's hard sometimes but you have to put your head down and push forward. I did that all before I came out. I carried out my secret for 60 years. I almost killed myself many times. Elle, you can do this, you are young, strong, and beautiful!! You can do anything! Hang in there girl!
I can relate to almost everything you're saying. I've been depressed for most of my life, but I managed to work for 35 years straight, because I had to. I had two sons to raise by myself. A few years ago, I was finally able to retire. I thought that not having to get up and drive to a job, I frankly hated, five days a week would solve all my problems. But I went to bed and didn't want to get up for months. Everything was a chore. Brushing my teeth was a chore. On beautiful days I'd long to be outside in the sunshine, but I couldn't drag myself out of bed and put some clothes on. I basically don't have friends, which is my fault because BEING a friend requires too much work. I can't be there for someone and I know it. I've taken antidepressants in the past, and they helped. In fact, I probably couldn't have made it without them, but as I've gotten older they don't work as well. Recently, a new doctor prescribed a medication to help me sleep. It has some antidepressant effects as well, and I find that it's really improving my life in general. Once I got out of bed and started cleaning my house I started becoming enthusiastic. And for the first time in years, I'm really looking forward to actually doing things. So, my suggestion is not to assume that a medication can't help. Eventually you''ll find something that makes you feel "normal" without feeling weird. I believe we all need to work at something, but my advice is to find a job doing what you enjoy. I just came across your channel and I really haven't learned much about you yet. But it sounds like a job where you can be outside would help. Maybe that's a way you can work more independently as well. Also, I wanted to tell you that you're very pretty and look very feminine to me. You have a beautiful smile. When I was in my 40's my doctor temporarily put me on testosterone for a female problem and it made my voice very deep. I started to get alarmed but my boyfriend loved it. He said it was sexy. HaHa! So, if someone wants to know your pronouns it must be for some other reason. They can look at you and see you're a girl. If someone asks, tell them your doctor put you on testosterone for some personal issues. You don't look or sound like a guy! Life goes by quickly. Don't waste it worrying about what other people think. Anyone who thinks negatively isn't someone you need in your life anyway. Hang in there!
Do you like dogs? Getting one can really help with depression but if you're not a dog person/can't have one that's understandable. You're gonna figure out how you work, it takes time ❤️
I lived with all that for most of my life, finally was diagnosed as female on the spectrum in my 50s. But I finished college, became a caregiver, got married, became a mother, developed my hobbies, etc. Still autistic, but it's possible to live your life and get out of your head. 🎉🎉 Vitamin D helped enormously with depression for me
I relate a ton Elle :( I’m in my mid 20s, live alone and struggle to function day to day or even just get out of my house. My social life is also severely lacking and I struggle greatly with opening up to most people because I never felt I could be emotionally vulnerable with others all throughout my childhood and teenage years. It’s really hard to find yourself in this set of circumstances where everything almost seems impossibly difficult. Some days I wonder what I am even doing with my life or what the point is. What can my future possibly hold if I can’t even consistently wash dishes or do laundry or make meals for myself? I try not to spend too much time lingering in this headspace but it’s hard to avoid catastrophizing my future when my present reality feels so grim. Anyways, thank you for your honesty in sharing this aspect of your experience- it really is helpful and comforting to know for someone like me who is also in a similar situation.
Hi beautiful,i personally love being home but it's not the same as depressing reasons. I'm also retired and enjoy my peace without the craziness from people in the world,who are so evil,careless narcissistic! I pray you feel better,enjoying your own company without pain involved❤
I had depression that I treated with Meds for years. But, every medication caused side effects, or they got less effective over time and I needed to constantly up the dosage. Anyway, I started hiking 1-2 hours 3 times a week, and then I started running because it took less time. I did slow runs, and I would watch the time and stop at 12 minutes. Slowly I built up the time. Yes, Starting is hard!!!! But Meds were also hard on my sleep...as in almost no sleep. Also, I accepted that I will never be a morning person. Sometimes I think it was just being out in the light that helped. You will find a thing that works for you... :) Also, insecurities lessen, but they are kind of always there, and then you hit the blessed menopause and you kind of just don't give a F*** anymore. ( In the best possible way )
Sending you so much love. I have always struggled with the rigid structure of a work week and depression would make it so much worse. Maybe if you can reorient your career to something less structured and more outdoors.
Ergophobia, it's called. I have it too. It's irrational fear of working-doing physical labor, being on time, and just seeking and maintaining employment. We can do it at first just fine...and after a few months, it just suddenly becomes a severe anxiety to leave home every day for work-we start yes-freaking out. Anyway, that is what's going on and it's REALLY hard. I cannot tolerate change either. It messes me up for no reason.
Iam from the far east. I don't know you personally I think you gone thru alot and I hope and pray your troubles go away and I wish you peace and happiness❤ your a gorgeous women God blessed you
Complex-PTSD... Please look into Adult Survivors of Child Abuse - at least their "steps" and journaling suggestions. I am an adult survivor of physical neglect, emotional abuse and neglect - severe, very severe. And when it happens to you when you are young, when your child brain is developing, your brain is re-wired. So check it out. I think it will help - I truly do
i get this at weekends too, having something planned really can get me out of the rut and into "well if im out i might as well do this other thing". I forced myself to go to a Sunday dance class because then at least Ive paid for something where i have to be somewhere, and i can go in literally whatever clothes
I hear you.... SO HARD. SOOOOO HARD TO GET OUT AND GO PLACES. I HAVE BEEN LABELED AS HAVING GOROPHOBIA WHATEVER... IDK. > GET SUCH EXTREME ANXIETY. IT GOES DEEPER WITH MENTAL ILLNESS.😢 35 YRS. AGO
Honestly I have come a long way. I am currently applying for disability cause my disabilities make it hard for me to hold down a job. I hope to find a part time job in the future.
I know the feeling all too well, and being alone/working alone definitely makes it worse as there's noone to jog you out of it. But you have to learn to steer through the initial barrier, even if it means a miserable start of the day. (As you say, a short walk makes it better, or just interacting with people while grocery shopping or whatever). And some things need time - don't expect coworkers to be your closest friends within days, but the only thing that may be weirding them out is probably exactly the impression that you're trying to cling to them so quickly. And don't give up on new hobbies or jobs so early - your tribe would probably have given you a gentle bonk on the head if you refused to pick berries in the cold rain or with a herd of mammoths nearby. (Yes I toyed with the idea of becoming a gardener once - but doing this all day in any weather, ticks and whatnot, and still being at the mercy of crazy customer ideas...). Idk if doing nature photography would interest you, at least it`s something you could do with what you have now - I see somebody suggested game streaming but that would only reenforce your holed up existence ?
Elle, you are so personable! You must know how much wisdom, intelligence, humor and perception you have. You seem like an old soul -- someone with great perspective and naturally able to understand things deeply. Have you gotten at all into spirituality or religious perspectives? I'm on a journey right now, currently looking more into Buddhism, although I was very drawn to ideas from more New Age stuff and themes in Christianity earlier, which completely (and positively) changed my relationship with life and reality. Also with my own energy day to day. I think there could be some useful ideas out there for you! I don't know where to point you to start. I'll leave that up to you, if you decide to look into things, but I find a lot of power in watching videos / reading perspectives of people who are really getting to the root of things and how to relate to ourselves, others and the natural world in a deep and meaningful way. Thanks for being so vulnerable! I feel you. Have definitely struggled with major bouts of depression or resistance to work, etc. and am currently working through a phase. We got this! So much life / reality that we can't even see right now. Lots of potential to step into and harness. Much appreciation for your video and sharing your presence with us!
I feel this so many days. I feel so useless when it happens. It is this cycle of self frustration,guilt and doing absolutely nothing. I look forward to going home but when i get to doing what im supposed to i feel fine. You are describing my secret cycle of thinking about working. 😂 It is nice to know I'm not alone but also hate that you feel so shitty too. 🙃 Life.
I know the feeling. I have been fires 6 times and conveniently terminated another 8 times after putting all of my effort into keeping my jobs. Depression is very serious for some people. If you only go to work when you feel good, you would never go to work. You just have to keep fighting. I don’t ever feel like doing something but I feel much better having done something.
Some people live in community supported agriculture farms for free and work the farm. I know a couple of people who lived on a Hawaii pineapple plantation for 6 months.
You're beautiful, Elle! You have a real sense of style! And you're such a sweetheart. Keep on educating others with the truth about transitioning/detransitioning.
Is there some kind of outdoor work you have considered doing? ...even outdoor retail like a garden center, or landscaping. The pay isn't great, but a job that gets you outside could be a good thing for you
Hey! I have some valuable points I think. First of all, I totally resonate with you at points in life. The life force in me was so low that I could not drag myself to get outside in Nature (which I love). I am still dealing with that a bit. Willpower. I feel like the solution is a sheer willpower to force oneself to do things 😅😆 Allow the discomfort of staying in the slump to win over the discomfort of moving (forward). It makes it easier when another person is involved who wants to go out and do that thing too (e.g. people you live with or friends). I've tried that this past week and it's helped me. Work wise..40 hour weeks are crazy to me. I did it once and my mental health was not good at all. Part time is the way, so try that. 3 or 4 days a week. Volunteer. It's such an easy and accessible way to do something and meet people and help your local area. You can find manual stuff, gentle stuff. Find something naturey! Super chill and feel good. Good luck :)
I can really relate that what your saying on trying to convince yourself to go outside. Do you exercise? i.e at least an hour a week of exercise that makes you break a sweat, and daily stretches. Honestly, if i dont exercise for 2 weeks, i become extremely depressed, angry/irritated or teary. if i look at my behavior i become basically agrophobic, even if im invited anywhere i dont want to go, i'll loose confidence and cancel plans from feeling so overwhelmed. But then wanting to actually start the exercise is difficult (like wanting to go outside lol).
I wish it were possible to send a hug through a UA-cam comment! I think we can all identify with this to some degree. But it sounds like you're really struggling. You don't have to get all "deep" with your therapist. Tell her about this. This is what she is there for, and this is something you need help with. It might be related to past trauma or whatever, and might spark some challenging conversation, but at least you're aware of the pattern and she can help provide some strategies for overcoming the inertia of not wanting to do something/anything, and developing new patterns that will help with your health and happiness.
Hey Elle, I find it interesting that You Say once You get Outside You love it and You Feel great. that to me is not Serious depression and The Reason I say that is I suffer from well it's called severe chronic Returning depression something like that and I'm seriously depressed and it doesn't matter where I go. Today I got on my mobility scooter and I went to the beach. but my depression did not leave Because I a along time anyways thank you so much for sharing everything And I hope you find what gets You out of being depressed so much
Hi Elle, I’ve been following you for a bit. I don’t know how I first found you, my youngest daughter may have shared your story. I was wondering how you were and then I saw the update you posted a month ago. As a mom I want to tell you that your voice is something that you might struggle with, but from an objective outsider, your voice is not something that should concern you. Inn be pray that you can just let it go. You are a woman, and even though you took different drugs trying to change that, you were always a woman and you are clearly a woman now. And a lovely one at that. My prayer for you is that you can see the bigger picture of your life and see the growth that you experiences and realize that you are who you are today because of what you experienced. I would encourage you to have a counselor to process the demons that you are fighting, because the same issues that caused you to go down the path of changing your identity still need to be processed. I would also encourage you to get regular exercise. 3-4 times a week go and do a hard workout and get those endorphins going. We all have days like you had the day you posted this. We are women, we have hormones and we experience complex feelings that are sometimes really difficult. Cut yourself some slack and don’t fast forward about working 40 hours a week. I have the sense that you will possibly end up in some field where the things that you have experienced will come into play in some way. Perhaps in counseling other young people who are struggling in the same way. Well, sorry for the book here, but there is something about you and your story that touches me. I’m sending you a big virtual hug as a mom of 5 who has experienced a lot in my journey. Keep the faith that you are on a good path and that you are helping other people in ways that you may never even realize!
Elle, have you considered asking your therapist to suggest someone who can perform an assessment for autism? It seems you are very intelligent and insightful. And with your level of anxiety, etc, you have many autism traits seen more often in women. I’m 74 years old; have only recently been diagnosed as autistic, and it has been the best thing that has happened in understanding why I’ve felt like a weirdo my entire life. My symptoms/traits seem to be a lot like yours, and I’ve followed you since your first post, feeling a connection. It’s just my observation, and maybe worth investigating for you.
Hi hun. I’m glad you seem to be a little bit brighter than last time I saw you. Healing from depression is a process. I’m sorry SSRIs and SNRIs didn’t work for you. I took to them extremely well because that’s my own mental illness. It’s ok if a treatment works for you and if another one doesn’t. What helps me when life feels pointless is having motivation. You said in an earlier video you thrived off motivation and having a goal. Life really can just be a series of goals. Yet if you’re just too exhausted right now, that’s ok too. It will take time to dig deep with your therapist, I promise you that. It took me 15 years to get anywhere meaningful with mine. Considering all you’ve told us about I think you’re doing fucking amazing. But life has to glitter in some ways to be interesting and meaningful. Keep working through your issues in therapy and you will slowly start to feel stronger, I promise.
Elle, have your thought about being an Esthetician and learning about skincare and health? I am studying this at a age much older than you and I have always been a total nerd, I am surprised how much I love it. I would recommend the Euro Institute of Skincare in the Seattle area, it’s one of the best in the nation. You can follow up with a Masters at the Washington Laser Institute (taught by doctors) who can teach you all about (state allowed non medical lasers). You could then offer advice to all people but especially women who have experienced/are experiencing detransition by offering practical help and solutions and building their self-esteem. If you need somewhere to stay while studying you are welcome to stay with my family (my kids in their 20s). We are in the Seattle Area. You can get student loans if you need them. You can work as an independent business owner, in a spa or in a medi-spa with doctors. Reach out if you are interested, the whole process including the Laser institute only takes a year. It’s a very encouraging, supportive environment as it is almost all female (90-95%).
My partner who suffers from constant low grade depression (gets worse in winter) was never able to tolerate 40 hr work weeks. He is now retired and the only real downside for him has been that his monthly retirement income is very meager as a result. His buying a piece of land when he was 30 and building his own small cabin was a key to his success in getting by on part-time work.
I think that finding it hard to go our of the house for work might mean a different thing than leaving the house to socialize. But I can only offer perspective where it comes to leaving the house for socializing. Sometimes you're just neither here nor there. On the one hand, you can decide to go out, and shrink your fears to a collection of dissmisable micro-manifestations that can be dealt with or rendered moot, but that is usually only achieved by actually going out and confronting that fear and socializing and once you achieve some conversation, the goal is somewhat achieved and you're no longer on the defensive as far as cultivating what you want from interactions. On the other hand, going out and confronting socialization may enlarge those fears. I think honestly that we as middle-of-the-lane liberals, or the politically homeless or whatever, do need to learn to buck up, and learn to condition ourselves to going the fuck out to commit to our job, and/or going out for socializing. Once you realize that you have something to offer because you have the experience that you do, you will soon find that you have to read others and choose your battles. IF you're just going out to meet others, you choose what you want to engage with intellectually, and you don't stress anything that presents real tension unless you want to. IF you just need to leave the house to fulfill an employment obligation, like, yeah, that sucks, but it also sounds like you're really upset about it because you're catastrophizing the obligation. Nothing about doing the next hour or 12 hours means it's your whole life obligation, and that should probably be kept in mind. As far as the 3 hr long class you took about equipment safety, I think this is a prime example of catastrophizing. You have to remember that safety courses are obligated to cover worst-case scenarios, and if you were to catastrophize worst-case scenarios for anything else, like driving and car-crashes, or whatever, then if you reduced that to all extremes, you probably wouldn't do anything, and wouldn't even ride a bike or rollerblade as a child, etc. ' Try to keep things in perspective, if you can.
I was stabbed and slashed left brained damaged when I attacked walking home from work I felt like I was nothing after it but the hardest thing was not too lose hope never let yourself become hopeless no matter what ❤❤
Sometimes you have to just not pay attention to those feelings and forge on. Not a guilt trip. My last job I only missed 3 days in almost two years. The 1st 3 months of a new job are important not to miss work. Keep on trucking!❤
I hope you don't take this the wrong way, you should consider finding a loving church/church community! Really helped me fiind my true identity and overcome mental health problems. prayers for you my friend :) you're awesome
I get where you're coming from. I'm so tired all the time. I feel like I'm slowly shutting down. I hate that the only thing that brings me relief now is thinking about dying. Not having to exist anymore. Having all the weight lifted off my shoulders.
This might sound odd, but, have you ever thought about your spiritual health? I find a lot of emotional problems just clear up by being in a state of grace. That, and the advice I get from the priest at confession has been invaluable. I think one of the problems with society is we've lost the sacramental view of reality. Society has become unhooked from God which leads to insanity. Anyway, you can ask God to heal your spiritual wounds. He'll do it.
You are such a l*ser borderline personality. Deliberately calling her bro, like it's not obvious what your doing. No wonder you have no other human contact. Negative attention seeker.
That’s how I be feeling sometimes I don’t be wanting to do anything or go anywhere and working 40 plus hours a week is draining I swear I barely go outside or be around people I don’t like people or being around a lot of people makes my anxiety act up and then I be feeling down and depressed at times and feeling like a outsider and ima shy person struggling with depression and being diagnosed with anxiety and I don’t kno how to handle it since this my actual first time being diagnosed with it I don’t have a social life neither bcause all I do is work and school
Marry a rich man. |Human should not work forty hours a week, but this is how life has become. Nowadays you have to work a lot to have shelter and pay for food, the dentist, buy cosmetics, etc.
What you need is a good support system. You seem to be on this journey alone. I'm not sure about your backstory or family but if you have some great family left, that'll be helpful. If not, find a Bible believing church (there are lots of churches out there with false doctrines so it might be hard to find a good church + I'm not sure you have the skill to discern a good church from a bad church). In any case give it a try. You might get a bad church..just move on to the next church and don't let the bad ones discourage you. You can also try by starting to study the Bible yourself first, you'll be able to get a sense of what is right. What you really need is physical contact with a community of people who truly care about you (but remember that people who truly love you would tend to tell you the truth...which no one likes hearing...so that might be an issue and you'll need to grow a bit of thick skin to take constructive criticism. So there is a bit of work input you also have to put in. You have to meet them in the middle. Nobody is perfect and nothing good comes easy.) I can assure you, once you get a loving community 90% of your troubles would fade away. PS: Stay away from communities that enable the idea that its ok to be another gender no matter how loving they seem. (This includes churches) I'll pray for you. You are loved❤❤
Elle, there's a way out of this... I will be praying for you and i hope one day you can open up your heart to God's transforming love ❤ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. God bless you 🙏🌈✝️💝
Actually, I think you look so nice! You don't resemble boy at all!! I had a friend, adult cis girl. We sang in one choir, and she had a beautiful tenor. Her voice was a lot lower than yours, and nobody ever thought that she may be not a girl. I think, you should change friends/region/country if you feel wrong. May be, you could try new (or first) profession, or enroll in some serious online education. If thinking about yourself doesn't help - try to stop thinking and to find something more interesting than your problems? Something so good and important for you, that it is worth living in ANY body? May be you should move to some northern EU country like Germany or Nederlands? Your appearance and voice would be pretty common there. Sorry if it's too much advices, I just really think that something like that can help you to solve all your problems. There is nothing special in your appearance. And I don't think it would be much different now without testosterone in the past.
Lol No you would hate prehistoric lifestyle. You would be washing dishes, be dirty, no tv, no cell phone, have to walk everywhere. Every task is physically intensive. There would be no individualism because you need the tribe to survive. You would be even more oppressed as a woman because you'd be at the mercy of physically stronger men in the tribe. Serving coffee at Starbucks would be heaven in comparison. Please do not romanticize the prehistoric lifestyle. There's a very good reason the whole world adopted more modern lifestyles when they could.
I’m retired military- wicked case of PTSD, survivors guilt, depression. Smh, man do I understand how much it can hurts. You can look “fine” on the outside, and on good days you can mask it and fake smiles and polite conversations, but even those little interactions are exhausting… and on bad days- which can stretch into bad weeks and even bad months- just taking a shower is a fete. I don’t have much advice other than keep pushing on. You are not alone in your struggles, and you have so much life ahead of you! Thank you for sharing your story with all of us. The courage that takes is truly admirable. Good luck and God bless ❤
"I'm a fuckup" I felt this today. I have so much shame around failing at basic stuff like keeping a *somewhat* tidy home. It's worse than just laziness. I can't even express it out loud because of how embarrassing and ridiculous it is when I hear myself trying to explain how challenging it is for me. I applaud you for being able to share this stuff honestly. It sucks.
This. This is exactly how I feel about work sometimes, when I'm late which is like a constant though it's not often, and exercise, even though know for a fact it's going to make me feel better and healthier and better looking, I STILL don't have the energy to get up and do it even with all the time, resources and incouragement in the world. Basically I feel like sht and the things I know are going to make not feel like that feel like a punishment for existing rather than a privilege that many people don't (which is how I want to look at it) 😔
If you want, I can pray for you. It helped me with those feelings.
Can relate Hard. The only nugget of advice i can accually vouch for is that Environment is everything. Set your environment in a way that makes hard things easier.
If you only knew how helpful this video is.
Omg, but your voice has softened sooo much in 3 years! Celebrate that sweetie. It's early days still. I know it's easy for me to say when I'm not going through what you are, but honestly, you're so young and you are going to be just fine. I actually think you are so intuitive, particularly so. Thank you for sharing and please find things to be grateful for every day and try not to fixate or close yourself off. You can do anything chicky! You have the power but it does sound as though you need to be a bit firmer with yourself. The more you get going, get productive, get off the couch, the more you will like yourself.
Deuteronomy 11:16 KJV
Take heed to yourselves, that your heart be not deceived, and ye turn aside, and serve other gods, and worship them;
2 Timothy 3:13 KJV
But evil men and seducers shall wax worse and worse, deceiving, and being deceived.
lets analyse the lies through which are we daily deceived:
lie: schools are of use (fact. schools keep slavery alive and stands for dumbing down the population of mankind)
lie: moon and mars landings, (fact: even masons know they cannot leave - earth is closed system, unless you want to drown, there is no other place created for us to live in.)
lie: news channels share truth (fact: these are for politic propaganda)
lie: voting matters (fact: politic propaganda)
lie: money has a value of its own (fact: it is just a tool of this world, which value has been agreed upon world wide, it should be not loved, only used as needed.)
lie: NASA lies (globe and all....) (fact: NASA stands for TO DECEIVE and 2 members expose their own lies, one is still alive, the other (Wernher Von Braun) place a clear clue on his own gravestone) - you havn´t searched - have you?
lie: the lgbtq++++ propaganda (fact: it is a part of masonry depopulation agenda, 500 000 000 souls, thats their goal - Georgia Guidestones! - who said it be worthy to forget?)
lie: Evolution and the dinosaurs. (fact: mankind is not hybrid kind)
to keep stating that there was an evolution, then we ain´t humans, we aint then mankind, we are then hybrids. Are you a hybrid?
Lie: holidays (xmas, Halloween, new year eve and so on) (fact: PAGAN HOLIDAYS, to praise BAAL, the god of this world)
lie: U.F.Os (fact: they are demons/evil spirits in high places, against whom we fight daily = spiritual warfare)
lie: rules and laws rule the world (fact: signs and symbols of masonry do)
lie: believe in being educated (fact: found daily living with the lack of knowledge)
lie: religions are ways to heaven (fact: JESUS CHRIST is only way to heaven. Religions, no matter its name = masonic garbage)
lie: our dead loved ones stay around to “ghost” (fact: hunting and ghosting is job of demons, not of humans. We, humans, come from GOD and return back to HIM and all the stories of having been seen a ghost - terrifying, scary, dark, cold - again no job of analysing been done here by you- right?)
Lie: Humans have no immune system and we need vaccines as these save lives (fact: humans HAVE IMMUNE SYSTEM and vaccines are created for one or two purpose: to kill or to cripple. If you took all their poison shots then later in life comes all kinds of medical diagnoses = vaccines crippled you - remember that)
lie: there is no GOD (fact: There is GOD, who redeems sinners and created us directly from the dust of the earth: Psalms 139:14 (KJV)
I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.)
to keep claiming that there is no GOD and we aint created directly from the dust of the earth, we soon run out logic, regardless to we place “evolution” in our claims or not and our dead, whats happening to them as they sleep in their graves? - they decay away, becoming the dust form which they were taken, if it ain`t so then we are simply reality deniers.
lie: 911 was terror attack (fact: 911 was an inside job, meaning the work of your loved government)
lie: TV watching is of use (fact: television (TV) = tell a lie vision, a weapon for our minds, keeping it under MK ULTRA)
half lie/half truth: earth is a stage where everyone plays rolls (fact: earth is stage, a freemasonry checkerboard, where both side, black and white are masons and humans both in politics and regular souls = the naive public gets daily played)
lie: children are government to raise (fact: children are parents to raise, it takes 2 to make them, it takes 2 to raise them).
Lie: we live already in the matrix (fact: we live since birth in BABYLON which is to become “matrix” as Man - us, must merge with machine aka take the mark of the beast and then matrix aka false reality becomes to be 100%)
lie: humans are not intelligent enough (fact: it is forgotten fact, we all are intelligent, many have suffered the illness from this world, being indoctrinated by masons, cause who give us the school system which we have? masons did, because they need slaves).
Lie: love is low standard and = lust (fact love is high standard as love means>
John 15:13
Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.
Lie> do what thy wilt there is no body who has the right to judge you (fact> GOD SHALL JUDGE YOU AFTER YOU HAVE DEPARTED ON EARTH and Christians are also called to give out righteous judgment, therefore repent * born again * go and sin no more)
lie: slavery is over (fact: slavery was never over, it just changes a little as we are no longer buy`d or sold, still prepared through school systems for our future slavery, succumb to our slave lives based on our free will)
lie: BIBLE is man written and a fairytale (fact: BIBLE is written by GOD, through man, bible is not fairytale.
BIBLE IS:
BASIC
INFORMATION/instruction
BEFORE
LEAVING
EARTH
= BIBLE. A book - yes, book which we all need as it is only one filled with information and instructions we all need for life on earth.
Lie: Miss beauty contests around the world is about beauty of FEMALES (fact: these contests are about beauty of MALES IN DRAG)
lie: Medical “virus” known as COVID 19 (facts: real VIRUSES are in Hollywood and kept secret:
- THE TTM virus = being tare, trans, mason.
Lie: There is no truth, no right nor wrong and all is allowed as long as you are happy. (fact: truth is easy to find, search: BIBLE + FREEMASONRY and expose masons in masonry).
28 lies, should i go on?
Proverbs 20:1KJV
Wine is a mocker, strong drink is raging: and whosoever is deceived thereby is not wise.
Galatians 6:7 KJV
Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.
1 Corinthians 15:33 KJV
Be not deceived: evil communications corrupt good manners.
Elle,I have been following you for years now, and my heart is with you. Right now I am with my adult child who is so severely depressed. I had to travel to be close to him and take care of him. I would encourage you to continue to reach out, Continue with counseling and find your purpose for being here. We are not accidents, everyone is here for a reason. I will keep watching if you keep talking. Honestly, I think your purpose is being here and speaking up. Thank you.❤️
I'm losing my will to live for a number of seriously messed up things. Thank you for being there for him. ❤ My sister is your typical too busy. I was diagnosed with diseased/screwing up aortic valve. I have to decide if I want valve replacement surgery so I can live another 10-25 years...I'm 46 and life has...become pretty miserable-for good reasons. I'm leaning toward just letting it kill me within a decade. I am SO glad he has you! ❤
Ellie, I hear your confusion, and pain. You are not alone even though you feel like you are. I have never written a comment on UA-cam before, and it took me over an hour to figure out how this works. We are always learning.
The feelings you have, we all have had some time or other, so the idea that you are not right in your thinking is a lie from someone other than God. You are a wonderful person, beautiful and I'm
Hey. I believe I am AuDD which is Autism + ADHD. You might want to look into that because I have all the same struggles you do. I unfortunately cannot give you any advice because I only leave my apartment to get groceries, visit family, and take my dogs out. I am currently lowering the medications I am on because I want to actually know who I am without them as I have been on them for 10+ years. We really weren't meant for the way the way the world has evolved around us. I am an artist that can't produce any art because like you said, the set up to doing it would be exhausting and I would just want to go to sleep. Since going down on my meds by half over a 6 week period I have felt good enough to go walk across the street to have breakfast at a diner.
Elle. You went through sooooo much at such a young age. More than most adults in their lifetime! Stay strong. Remember these feelings are temporary
Keep focusing on just walking outside your house. Backyard (if you have one) or walk out front. Try to stay outdoors for at least 10 minutes....(or as long as you can) control your thoughts. If they're not positive, let them GO!! (They're just thoughts!)
Try to extend a few minutes everyday. Focus on full, positive reaffirming breaths. You got this!!! ❤🙌
Hi Elle, what you described here reminded me of how I felt in my 20s and early 30s. I'm now in my 50s. :-) I believe you're taking all the right steps: continuing to push through and seeking sources of energy and liveliness. You mentioned all the key points: spending more time outdoors (even a very short walk or bike can make a big difference), being more open with your therapist, and finding a suitable hobby (without heavy machinery, I assume). Eventually, all of this will pay off.
And I'm quite confident that at least some of your co-workers really like you, because you are truly awesome.
Elle I feeeeel you. I’ve had anxiety since I was 7, depression since about 11, adhd diagnosed at 24 and there’s a lot of signs now pointing me toward autism. I’m nearly 29 now and I’ve struggled a lot in the workplace, I’ve never had a job for longer than a year. It’s a strugglebus. No advice but solidarity with you. ❤
So get this. Depression is overwhelming. I can’t even go through with starting a job because my depression talks me out of it. It tells me I can’t handle this commitment and I believe it every time. 😢
Do you have a roommate or a family member perhaps you could live with? I find that it’s way easier to be active when you live with someone you’re close with. Then you can share responsibility of making meals, cleaning the shared space, doing dishes, etc. That’s an easy way to start growing responsibility, as long as you have a solid relationship with the person you’re living with. I also suggest hiking regularly once a week (or maybe in your case taking a walk one a week). A regular routine helps us all. Wishing you the best and praying for you. ❤
Hi, Elle! I can completely relate to everything you said. Earlier on in my life, I would bounce around from one job to another. I would always find a “reason” in my head to justify why I left. Later on I matured, realizing that I must work because my family relied on me. But the major realization that I came to was that in order for me to “stay” in a position, I must do something that I enjoy. For example, before I became disabled, I was a Webmaster for a large university. Building web sites and pages was a hobby that I would do in my free time anyway, so landing the job and getting paid for something that I enjoyed was amazing and added some happiness to my life. So my advice would be to find a job doing something that you wouldn’t mind doing in your spare time. What was your “When I grow up I want to be a ____?” You seem to be more cheerful today compared to a few days ago and I am so glad. You’re beautiful, Elle! There is absolutely nothing wrong with you! You’re eyes are absolutely captivating and I love to see you smile, as it’s infectious! There’s nothing wrong with you! You deserve love and to live a happy life! I hope that you can start really living and give yourself the opportunity to live out your dreams! ❤️🌹❤️🌹❤️
Wow. What a beautiful post. There's a quiet power behind it, as with so much that you do. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but your honesty and trust in yourself and your experience is incredibly powerful.
You are such a (oh no, here comes the n-word) nice, kind, gentle, and social creature, in need of consistent exposure to nature and the out of doors just to feel alive. Imo, this has to be part of your on-the-daily. Your day-to-day work. You would do well to find a job in the Parks Department, or Water Treatment Plant, etc. Work that gets you out & meeting people for part of the time, being outdoors for part of the job, working with your hands for part of it, and also using your intellect. Not sitting in meetings hour after hour, not trapped under factory fluorescents with crappy ear protection slowly eroding your ability to savor your favorite jams.
Your post made me reflect that amabs likely don't realize how their built-in lifetime supply of testosterone is a real, honest-to-goodness, genuine mood elevator all its own. To everyone - but to afabs especially - it's
* bingo *
you guessed it, a performance enhancing drug. I'm recalling times when you touched on kind of the pure, clear....backbeat of life, for lack of a better expression, that T provided.
Uniquely, you've been through and have deeply felt both sides of this portion of the human experience, and have struck upon a precious, precocious experience all your own. No one will ever take that away from you. You are Elle.
- u r L -
And you are finding yourself. We are not destinations, we are journeys unto and into ourselves.
How the body responds to both sets of hormones is something most of us will never know. You've walked a path of Greek myth. It's been an honor to be given such access to the insights and experiences you have had. I'm consistently humbled by your kindness and vulnerability and willingness to let us in.
Idk precisely what you do for a j.o.b., but don't worry about a career rn, just get your foot in the door with a city or county. At the municipal level, you'll find more worker protections, better benefits, and more stability in general, particularly when you join up with AFSCME.
Your journey is amazing to me, I'm super proud of you.
Why do I feel as though even a little summer jibbity-job at your local golf course could be terrific toe hold for you to get some municipal experience? I met such awesome people (and a few dicks, like everywhere) and the time FLIES by so so SO fast, it's almost painful lol
It's so much fun to be outside all summer, washing golf carts, raking sand traps, finding lost golf balls in the rough, giving 'em a buff up and selling them back to the thrifty golfers themselves to practice with. Driving the beverage cart with a picture of my little brother from 15 years before, gosh was he ever a sweet little cutie! He died in 2020 in his 40s but that lucky picture of him, I put it up at every job I work! Private golf courses for the beverage cart in the heat of the day are awesome ngl, set up your cash app / zelle / apple pay / qr code etc on your beverage cart so golfers can tip via their phones. The hours aren't terrible. Or whip weeds along fence lines, spell out your co-workers names in cursive in the grass, it's fun! Wash down golf carts at the end of the day, make sure they're plugged in or fueled up, etc. It's smelly f u n work, and though it's not a career, it's a stepping stone and an open door...
Yeah, co-irkers are irksome sometimes, less so at community courses, but in the main, people are there to enjoy their time and one another's company. Plus it's fun to help people enjoy life :)
As with every single thing in life, The Name of the Game is: Show Up On Time. That's it. Do that, and you have all the no-shows beat! People are not looking at you as much as you think, at all, really(!), EXCEPT WHEN YOU'RE LATE FOR WORK! They are totally self absorbed, otherwise, particularly at the course!
Ask for help when a task needs 2 or more sets of hands, people for effort crunch and/or time crunch. Take initiative when you know how to do something correctly, but ask for direction if you're unsure of how things should be done - before implementation of a lot of energy. I.e., let's be certain the boss wants all 500 rolls of new sod laid end to end before we start, because that doesn't pass the smell test. We don't want to have to reroll 499 heavy, damp, fringy turf cuts if we don't have to now, do we (who, me? ha ha wut now 😅)?
ASK. Don't assume you can read minds, you can't. There's no shame in asking! lol (this backbreaking sod story is based on a sqishy smushed but truthful story, names & details blended to protect the environment and the innocent 😅)
Elle, yes, you, you DEFINITELY need to be out in nature, my gosh, park ranger, fire spotter, hiking guide, ski instructor, something where you are breathing clean air and using the large muscle groups to strengthen your heart and lungs. You have a natural prowess for athleticism - a gift that has nothing to do with the performance enhancements that any T at one point may have afforded you - and regardless, those would be long gone by now.
And this in particular, is why I am blathering on in my comment. It's entirely possible this round of depression might not have been, or might not be, weighing so heavily upon your shoulders, but for the fact that * you * have * experienced * T * - and the natural (I know I know, just hear me out) mood elevation it provides a human body. In other words, on the margin, your body was once attuned (in harmony) with a different, higher, level of testosterone. That level is now attenuated (thinned) to your arguably natural levels now, such that your brain and body are no longer bathed in it, plain and simple.
Yours has been a rare, honest, open journey, one of, of so many unexpected extremes... and of gentleness, too... but what your moods must go through and have endured, gosh.... I wish I could spare you any more difficulties or suffering, particularly depression. Get outside, move your arms and legs, look at the skies. I empathize with certain kinds of particularized
self made h.e. double hockey socks 🧦 er, sticks..I look for ways out of our self made penitentiaries.
Anyway, I encourage you to give it a try, apply to your local city /county / metropark / you name it / parks dept for a summer job. Wash those golf carts, quickleg a few vegan burgerdogs and Mick-Ultra's at the turn for the super-tan super-funny super-loud and why I do not know quite short in stature except for one giraffe, ladies league carts heading out to the back 9. If they generoualy take you under their wings in a drunken moment of protective instinct, just let them.
I'm shorthanding some silly stereotypes for comedic purposes, in part because it's 5 am and I've dropped my phone 3x trying to buff up this comment lol
Just put yourself out there, L, you'll dig it! Life is constant change, we are constantly under construction and destruction and reconstruction, rebuilding ourselves at the molecular level, that's all bound to show up on the outside at some point!
🫀♥️🫀
Like you said, we are definitely not designed to work this much. Even as adults and especially not as kids. Its like they want us to be robots
Suffered from depression all my life. There are ways to get treat ment and have a happy life. Do what is needed to help yourself. Stay out of your head.
One of the worst things about depression is the way it overpowers your own common sense. For me the rational part of my brain knows that my actions are not logical. But I feel compelled to act like this anyway. I know that being avoidant is only going to make my problems worse. It's easy to know that, but it can be hard to convert that knowledge into action.
40 hours a week is NOT for everyone. (I don't think it's for most people, honestly). I do 20 hours, my hobbies are inexpensive, and I LOVE it!
Someone is definitely subsidizing you and your hobbies. Either family or a partner.
Wth? 😂
@@MelvinJ64 Well, 6 years ago I quit my "grown up" job, and I still have a cushion from living like a college student for 7 years while working full time. I don't spend from the cushion typically, but it gives me security and flexibility. My biggest hobbies are kayaking and woodworking. My first kayak was a wooden one that cost 200 (300 with repairs). I upgraded to a really fast fiberglass model (heavily used) for 500 last year, and I LOVE it! I never eat out unless the social situation requires it, nor buy ready-to-drink coffee products, etc. I rent a room in a house, and have the cheapest cell plan. Yesterday I gave my friend 60 bucks so he could afford to go swimming this week--generosity such as I can afford it, is a priority for me. Alaska's PFD helps but is not essential to my lifestyle.
@@MelvinJ64 Having Medicaid via Alaska Really helps out also, so I guess I am being subsidized some. I don't feel bad about it, as I dedicate much of my free time to unpaid efforts to make the world and Alaska a better place
@@MelvinJ64 I don't know why anyone single and earning a good rate works full time. If a single person can get by working full time at $17/hour, then why does any single person choose to work away all the energy of their lives working full time at $34/hour, when they could live on half time? The "stuff" one can acquire and do doesn't seem worth the energy of ones whole life (at least for lower energy types like me)
I know exactly what you’re going through. There was a period of my life where I was going through chronic major depression and I remember getting into this mindloop every night: I am tired and I want to go to bed, but I can’t go to bed until I brush my teeth, I can’t brush my teeth because I’m not sure if I’m done eating for the day. And then I would be in bed until about 4AM, anxiously looking at UA-cam and exhausted because I had such bad executive dysfunction. I’m not stupid, and I knew I was behaving in a ridiculous way. But I was also very confused by my life direction at the time.
I’m still depressed, but I’m a doctor now with ironclad discipline and I have really learned how to get past this.
Firstly, very, very, very small tasks. Make a to do list that is extremely long with very small tasks that you can check off. Checking things off a list is so euphoric, it’s hard to describe. In my case, it would be something like “take the blanket off, sit up, put my feet on the ground, stand, etc” you just need to get started.
Secondly, you need to set boundaries and you have to make rules. This can be hard, because a lot of people interpret boundaries as a negative thing, especially with yourself. But you’re allowed to say “when x happens, I will stop doing y”. Sometimes saying no to yourself is an act of love.
When you start getting structure to your life, you may realize you enjoy it more than you might think. I think a lot of executive dysfunction comes from just not knowing what to do next, but you don’t have to live like that. Also consider reading Atomic Habits, I’m not a self-help guru person, but this book is actually very good.
I sure relate to the watching UA-cam all day. Because I'm retired I can do that. I also should be getting out more.
I suggest you put goals in front of yourself. One of the easiest is to make sure all the dishes are clean before you have a meal. If you like nature then talk yourself into doing each of those tasks, step-by-step, that you need to get out there. Find new nature places to go and explore. Use your time on the computer to search for adventures and then challenge yourself to pursue those things. The process can help to distract you away from thinking about yourself, or about how others are perceiving you.
I can relate to your distance from your co-workers. They thought of me as a weirdo but I didn't let that bother me. Look to work as a challenge do your best and demonstrate your worth there. Work towards avoiding pissing others off and instead strive to make things easier for your co-workers. You might even have some suggestions for how things could be done better. You may have some weaknesses, such as the awkwardness. Try to identify the strengths that you have and then enhance them to compensate for some of those lesser qualities.
You should continue your interest in woodworking, perhaps starting at home. The instructor was being dramatic because they wanted the students to be very cautious and pay close attention to all instructions. The power tools have many safety features but that is not enough. You could look into getting some hand tools for carving and craft work. A chisel, some type of hand saw and a wood file, is a good place to start. It helps one get a feel for how the material behaves without taking a serious risk.
Forests are my favorite places. I feel like I'm in a temple when immersed in a dense old growth redwood forest. I see the wondrousness of nature and work to capture images of small things that others would likely miss.
I'm glad you shared some of your daily life in this video. I hope you find something valuable is some of my suggestions.
I dont stuggle with work/schedules. But what I can say is that youve got to show up if you want to grow up.
With that said, since you feel better outside how about taking some time to photograph nature or people and architecture?
Do something that you can use as a form of connection and expression. I can share some examples but in absence of that capture what inspires you and that which makes you feel alive.
Sometimes, our bodies and minds just need rest. Depending on the circumstances, think of it as self-care? Of course, sometimes, it might not be the healthiest choice, but I think that your insight and intelligence will carry you through. 💚 I've been reading and experiencing the positive benefits of just lying on the ground or even the floor, at home on my back (not in a fetal position) but on my back with arms stretched out and legs stretched out or open at the knee and then, just breathing. This can settle the nervous system faster than taking extended naps and lying in bed. Drinking or sipping cold water when stressed out, or not, does wonders for me too.
I feel your struggle Elle! I have mdd and cptsd. My advice would be on the days you just "cant" , be kind to yourself. Accept it for what it is, snuggle up , "enjoy" it and tomorrow is a new day. For me when I'm really down, cbt isn't helpful, I just have to do the above. Ssri 's were awful for me too but it's worth talking to your doctor because certainly in the uk, there are other drugs which are worth a try. You have had such trauma in your young life, I'm not surprised your noggin needs a break every now and then! Please give yourself a huge pat on the back, you have overcome so much. You are a natural communicator , I can see you writing a book one day you know! You are beautiful inside and out. Put your feet up today, have a cuppa🇬🇧, and take it easy xx
For depression, listen to music you really love and visualise yourself as the singer wowing your old friends and relatives, especially regressing the time to your school days. Say you are listening to Celine Dionne. Imagine yourself singing the song in your band, at a younger age of about 14, plus include the amazing things you purport yourself to be doing, such as helping the needy, being a teenage activist, inspiring the needy and you are liked in your school. It is really cool. Been there, done it.
I really relate to the feeling of not being able to do anything but then feeling well once you actually do stuff or get out, I suspect I have ADHD and this has been a struggle forever. I have so many hobbies and things I would like to pursue that don't go anywhere because once my routine changes or I skip the activity one day I'm not able to pick it back until who knows when. This makes me feel like a failure and like I'm not reaching my whole potential. One thing that helps me is doing the stuff without making stops or resting, for example, instead of going directly home after work, I go first to the gym. I also relate to not being able to be friends with coworkers. To me, I can't really open myself with a person I have to see everyday. If things get awkward between us or we get into an argument, I would have to keep seeing this person, that's why I feel I can't talk about my opinions and intimate stuff. Also, usually on a workday I don't feel very talkative, my brain is in "work mode", even at lunch, and unless we go outside to grab some drinks or something I don't feel like socialising at work.
Been depressed sucks.....I know....I have been there. I had an open heart surgery and fear used to grab hold of me and I used to feel save at home.
But with time and physical therapy, I started forcing myself to go out for 10 minutes everyday, just for a short walk and that became a routine of walking 30 to 40 minutes. This was the way I broke out of it and this propelled me to become normal again.
Getting out and getting sun, smelling nature or running into others will help you to get out of that funk (what I call it).
Also please get help, it helps as well. I will continue to pray for you and your familly.
Elle I have been with you for a while. Just as an observation I think you are extremely bright.
What I have found in my over 60 years on the planet is that when my mind is stimulated and occupied on a job that requires good mental skills it would serve to take me out of depression and apathy.
Whenever I had a job that was a challenge to my mental faculties I did really well.
The time just flew by and before I knew it I didnt even remember what I was depressed about.
Just a thought ❤
What you are describing is not depression, a down mood perhaps, there is no job that can break the chains of real depression.
Good afternoon Elle, I can understand what you are feeling, I'm 68 and I'm transgender and I'm retired twice now. I spent 22 years in the army and I'm a retired Master Electrician. I worked for 50+ years and I have to tell you that it's hard sometimes but you have to put your head down and push forward. I did that all before I came out. I carried out my secret for 60 years. I almost killed myself many times. Elle, you can do this, you are young, strong, and beautiful!! You can do anything! Hang in there girl!
"put your head down and push forward"....exactly!
I just picked wild blackberries and made jam, now I have chiggers.
Chiggers are maddening! Ugh! 😵
Oh and keep those videos coming. We are here to lift you up
I can relate to almost everything you're saying. I've been depressed for most of my life, but I managed to work for 35 years straight, because I had to. I had two sons to raise by myself. A few years ago, I was finally able to retire. I thought that not having to get up and drive to a job, I frankly hated, five days a week would solve all my problems. But I went to bed and didn't want to get up for months. Everything was a chore. Brushing my teeth was a chore. On beautiful days I'd long to be outside in the sunshine, but I couldn't drag myself out of bed and put some clothes on. I basically don't have friends, which is my fault because BEING a friend requires too much work. I can't be there for someone and I know it. I've taken antidepressants in the past, and they helped. In fact, I probably couldn't have made it without them, but as I've gotten older they don't work as well. Recently, a new doctor prescribed a medication to help me sleep. It has some antidepressant effects as well, and I find that it's really improving my life in general. Once I got out of bed and started cleaning my house I started becoming enthusiastic. And for the first time in years, I'm really looking forward to actually doing things. So, my suggestion is not to assume that a medication can't help. Eventually you''ll find something that makes you feel "normal" without feeling weird. I believe we all need to work at something, but my advice is to find a job doing what you enjoy. I just came across your channel and I really haven't learned much about you yet. But it sounds like a job where you can be outside would help. Maybe that's a way you can work more independently as well. Also, I wanted to tell you that you're very pretty and look very feminine to me. You have a beautiful smile. When I was in my 40's my doctor temporarily put me on testosterone for a female problem and it made my voice very deep. I started to get alarmed but my boyfriend loved it. He said it was sexy. HaHa! So, if someone wants to know your pronouns it must be for some other reason. They can look at you and see you're a girl. If someone asks, tell them your doctor put you on testosterone for some personal issues. You don't look or sound like a guy! Life goes by quickly. Don't waste it worrying about what other people think. Anyone who thinks negatively isn't someone you need in your life anyway. Hang in there!
Very well said ❤
I had a hellish experience on SSRI medication. Was never warned about the withdrawals which were brutal.
Do you like dogs? Getting one can really help with depression but if you're not a dog person/can't have one that's understandable. You're gonna figure out how you work, it takes time ❤️
My cats have helped me!
I lived with all that for most of my life, finally was diagnosed as female on the spectrum in my 50s. But I finished college, became a caregiver, got married, became a mother, developed my hobbies, etc. Still autistic, but it's possible to live your life and get out of your head. 🎉🎉 Vitamin D helped enormously with depression for me
I relate a ton Elle :( I’m in my mid 20s, live alone and struggle to function day to day or even just get out of my house. My social life is also severely lacking and I struggle greatly with opening up to most people because I never felt I could be emotionally vulnerable with others all throughout my childhood and teenage years.
It’s really hard to find yourself in this set of circumstances where everything almost seems impossibly difficult. Some days I wonder what I am even doing with my life or what the point is. What can my future possibly hold if I can’t even consistently wash dishes or do laundry or make meals for myself? I try not to spend too much time lingering in this headspace but it’s hard to avoid catastrophizing my future when my present reality feels so grim.
Anyways, thank you for your honesty in sharing this aspect of your experience- it really is helpful and comforting to know for someone like me who is also in a similar situation.
Hi beautiful,i personally love being home but it's not the same as depressing reasons.
I'm also retired and enjoy my peace without the craziness from people in the world,who are so evil,careless narcissistic!
I pray you feel better,enjoying your own company without pain involved❤
I had depression that I treated with Meds for years. But, every medication caused side effects, or they got less effective over time and I needed to constantly up the dosage. Anyway, I started hiking 1-2 hours 3 times a week, and then I started running because it took less time. I did slow runs, and I would watch the time and stop at 12 minutes. Slowly I built up the time. Yes, Starting is hard!!!! But Meds were also hard on my sleep...as in almost no sleep. Also, I accepted that I will never be a morning person. Sometimes I think it was just being out in the light that helped.
You will find a thing that works for you... :)
Also, insecurities lessen, but they are kind of always there, and then you hit the blessed menopause and you kind of just don't give a F*** anymore. ( In the best possible way )
Sending you so much love. I have always struggled with the rigid structure of a work week and depression would make it so much worse. Maybe if you can reorient your career to something less structured and more outdoors.
You'll get there chick....small steps
Ergophobia, it's called. I have it too. It's irrational fear of working-doing physical labor, being on time, and just seeking and maintaining employment. We can do it at first just fine...and after a few months, it just suddenly becomes a severe anxiety to leave home every day for work-we start yes-freaking out. Anyway, that is what's going on and it's REALLY hard. I cannot tolerate change either. It messes me up for no reason.
Iam from the far east. I don't know you personally I think you gone thru alot and I hope and pray your troubles go away and I wish you peace and happiness❤
your a gorgeous women God blessed you
Complex-PTSD... Please look into Adult Survivors of Child Abuse - at least their "steps" and journaling suggestions. I am an adult survivor of physical neglect, emotional abuse and neglect - severe, very severe. And when it happens to you when you are young, when your child brain is developing, your brain is re-wired. So check it out. I think it will help - I truly do
😢 I know what you mean...depression, anxiety, ADHD. The struggle to function outside one's own head is real.
i get this at weekends too, having something planned really can get me out of the rut and into "well if im out i might as well do this other thing". I forced myself to go to a Sunday dance class because then at least Ive paid for something where i have to be somewhere, and i can go in literally whatever clothes
Being organized to stop at the gym on the way home from work helps to get you to go.
Miss seeing your videos on here. I pray you are blessed.
I hear you.... SO HARD. SOOOOO HARD TO GET OUT AND GO PLACES. I HAVE BEEN LABELED AS HAVING GOROPHOBIA WHATEVER... IDK. > GET SUCH EXTREME ANXIETY. IT GOES DEEPER WITH MENTAL ILLNESS.😢 35 YRS. AGO
Honestly I have come a long way. I am currently applying for disability cause my disabilities make it hard for me to hold down a job. I hope to find a part time job in the future.
I know the feeling all too well, and being alone/working alone definitely makes it worse as there's noone to jog you out of it. But you have to learn to steer through the initial barrier, even if it means a miserable start of the day. (As you say, a short walk makes it better, or just interacting with people while grocery shopping or whatever). And some things need time - don't expect coworkers to be your closest friends within days, but the only thing that may be weirding them out is probably exactly the impression that you're trying to cling to them so quickly. And don't give up on new hobbies or jobs so early - your tribe would probably have given you a gentle bonk on the head if you refused to pick berries in the cold rain or with a herd of mammoths nearby. (Yes I toyed with the idea of becoming a gardener once - but doing this all day in any weather, ticks and whatnot, and still being at the mercy of crazy customer ideas...). Idk if doing nature photography would interest you, at least it`s something you could do with what you have now - I see somebody suggested game streaming but that would only reenforce your holed up existence ?
Elle, you are so personable! You must know how much wisdom, intelligence, humor and perception you have. You seem like an old soul -- someone with great perspective and naturally able to understand things deeply. Have you gotten at all into spirituality or religious perspectives? I'm on a journey right now, currently looking more into Buddhism, although I was very drawn to ideas from more New Age stuff and themes in Christianity earlier, which completely (and positively) changed my relationship with life and reality. Also with my own energy day to day. I think there could be some useful ideas out there for you! I don't know where to point you to start. I'll leave that up to you, if you decide to look into things, but I find a lot of power in watching videos / reading perspectives of people who are really getting to the root of things and how to relate to ourselves, others and the natural world in a deep and meaningful way. Thanks for being so vulnerable! I feel you. Have definitely struggled with major bouts of depression or resistance to work, etc. and am currently working through a phase. We got this! So much life / reality that we can't even see right now. Lots of potential to step into and harness. Much appreciation for your video and sharing your presence with us!
I feel this so many days. I feel so useless when it happens. It is this cycle of self frustration,guilt and doing absolutely nothing. I look forward to going home but when i get to doing what im supposed to i feel fine. You are describing my secret cycle of thinking about working. 😂 It is nice to know I'm not alone but also hate that you feel so shitty too. 🙃 Life.
do you exercise ? sleep at the right time... and eat healthy ?
I know the feeling. I have been fires 6 times and conveniently terminated another 8 times after putting all of my effort into keeping my jobs. Depression is very serious for some people. If you only go to work when you feel good, you would never go to work. You just have to keep fighting. I don’t ever feel like doing something but I feel much better having done something.
I have had a secure job since 2009. I am so fortunate for that.
Some people live in community supported agriculture farms for free and work the farm. I know a couple of people who lived on a Hawaii pineapple plantation for 6 months.
You're beautiful, Elle! You have a real sense of style! And you're such a sweetheart. Keep on educating others with the truth about transitioning/detransitioning.
Is there some kind of outdoor work you have considered doing? ...even outdoor retail like a garden center, or landscaping. The pay isn't great, but a job that gets you outside could be a good thing for you
Hey! I have some valuable points I think. First of all, I totally resonate with you at points in life. The life force in me was so low that I could not drag myself to get outside in Nature (which I love). I am still dealing with that a bit.
Willpower. I feel like the solution is a sheer willpower to force oneself to do things 😅😆 Allow the discomfort of staying in the slump to win over the discomfort of moving (forward). It makes it easier when another person is involved who wants to go out and do that thing too (e.g. people you live with or friends). I've tried that this past week and it's helped me.
Work wise..40 hour weeks are crazy to me. I did it once and my mental health was not good at all. Part time is the way, so try that. 3 or 4 days a week.
Volunteer. It's such an easy and accessible way to do something and meet people and help your local area. You can find manual stuff, gentle stuff. Find something naturey! Super chill and feel good.
Good luck :)
I can really relate that what your saying on trying to convince yourself to go outside.
Do you exercise? i.e at least an hour a week of exercise that makes you break a sweat, and daily stretches.
Honestly, if i dont exercise for 2 weeks, i become extremely depressed, angry/irritated or teary. if i look at my behavior i become basically agrophobic, even if im invited anywhere i dont want to go, i'll loose confidence and cancel plans from feeling so overwhelmed.
But then wanting to actually start the exercise is difficult (like wanting to go outside lol).
You're intelligent and beautiful. And your voice is really pleasant and soothing. You need to start loving yourself! ❤
I wish it were possible to send a hug through a UA-cam comment! I think we can all identify with this to some degree. But it sounds like you're really struggling.
You don't have to get all "deep" with your therapist. Tell her about this. This is what she is there for, and this is something you need help with. It might be related to past trauma or whatever, and might spark some challenging conversation, but at least you're aware of the pattern and she can help provide some strategies for overcoming the inertia of not wanting to do something/anything, and developing new patterns that will help with your health and happiness.
I can empathise with this.
Hey Elle,
I find it interesting that You Say once You get Outside You love it and You Feel great. that to me is not Serious depression and The Reason I say that is I suffer from well it's called severe chronic Returning depression something like that and I'm seriously depressed and it doesn't matter where I go. Today I got on my mobility scooter and I went to the beach. but my depression did not leave Because I a along time anyways thank you so much for sharing everything And I hope you find what gets You out of being depressed so much
Hi Elle,
I’ve been following you for a bit. I don’t know how I first found you, my youngest daughter may have shared your story. I was wondering how you were and then I saw the update you posted a month ago. As a mom I want to tell you that your voice is something that you might struggle with, but from an objective outsider, your voice is not something that should concern you. Inn be pray that you can just let it go. You are a woman, and even though you took different drugs trying to change that, you were always a woman and you are clearly a woman now. And a lovely one at that. My prayer for you is that you can see the bigger picture of your life and see the growth that you experiences and realize that you are who you are today because of what you experienced. I would encourage you to have a counselor to process the demons that you are fighting, because the same issues that caused you to go down the path of changing your identity still need to be processed. I would also encourage you to get regular exercise. 3-4 times a week go and do a hard workout and get those endorphins going. We all have days like you had the day you posted this. We are women, we have hormones and we experience complex feelings that are sometimes really difficult. Cut yourself some slack and don’t fast forward about working 40 hours a week. I have the sense that you will possibly end up in some field where the things that you have experienced will come into play in some way. Perhaps in counseling other young people who are struggling in the same way. Well, sorry for the book here, but there is something about you and your story that touches me. I’m sending you a big virtual hug as a mom of 5 who has experienced a lot in my journey. Keep the faith that you are on a good path and that you are helping other people in ways that you may never even realize!
Elle, have you considered asking your therapist to suggest someone who can perform an assessment for autism? It seems you are very intelligent and insightful. And with your level of anxiety, etc, you have many autism traits seen more often in women. I’m 74 years old; have only recently been diagnosed as autistic, and it has been the best thing that has happened in understanding why I’ve felt like a weirdo my entire life. My symptoms/traits seem to be a lot like yours, and I’ve followed you since your first post, feeling a connection. It’s just my observation, and maybe worth investigating for you.
Hi hun. I’m glad you seem to be a little bit brighter than last time I saw you. Healing from depression is a process. I’m sorry SSRIs and SNRIs didn’t work for you. I took to them extremely well because that’s my own mental illness. It’s ok if a treatment works for you and if another one doesn’t. What helps me when life feels pointless is having motivation. You said in an earlier video you thrived off motivation and having a goal. Life really can just be a series of goals. Yet if you’re just too exhausted right now, that’s ok too. It will take time to dig deep with your therapist, I promise you that. It took me 15 years to get anywhere meaningful with mine. Considering all you’ve told us about I think you’re doing fucking amazing. But life has to glitter in some ways to be interesting and meaningful. Keep working through your issues in therapy and you will slowly start to feel stronger, I promise.
Elle, have your thought about being an Esthetician and learning about skincare and health? I am studying this at a age much older than you and I have always been a total nerd, I am surprised how much I love it. I would recommend the Euro Institute of Skincare in the Seattle area, it’s one of the best in the nation. You can follow up with a Masters at the Washington Laser Institute (taught by doctors) who can teach you all about (state allowed non medical lasers). You could then offer advice to all people but especially women who have experienced/are experiencing detransition by offering practical help and solutions and building their self-esteem. If you need somewhere to stay while studying you are welcome to stay with my family (my kids in their 20s). We are in the Seattle Area. You can get student loans if you need them. You can work as an independent business owner, in a spa or in a medi-spa with doctors. Reach out if you are interested, the whole process including the Laser institute only takes a year. It’s a very encouraging, supportive environment as it is almost all female (90-95%).
My partner who suffers from constant low grade depression (gets worse in winter) was never able to tolerate 40 hr work weeks. He is now retired and the only real downside for him has been that his monthly retirement income is very meager as a result. His buying a piece of land when he was 30 and building his own small cabin was a key to his success in getting by on part-time work.
I think that finding it hard to go our of the house for work might mean a different thing than leaving the house to socialize. But I can only offer perspective where it comes to leaving the house for socializing. Sometimes you're just neither here nor there. On the one hand, you can decide to go out, and shrink your fears to a collection of dissmisable micro-manifestations that can be dealt with or rendered moot, but that is usually only achieved by actually going out and confronting that fear and socializing and once you achieve some conversation, the goal is somewhat achieved and you're no longer on the defensive as far as cultivating what you want from interactions. On the other hand, going out and confronting socialization may enlarge those fears. I think honestly that we as middle-of-the-lane liberals, or the politically homeless or whatever, do need to learn to buck up, and learn to condition ourselves to going the fuck out to commit to our job, and/or going out for socializing. Once you realize that you have something to offer because you have the experience that you do, you will soon find that you have to read others and choose your battles. IF you're just going out to meet others, you choose what you want to engage with intellectually, and you don't stress anything that presents real tension unless you want to. IF you just need to leave the house to fulfill an employment obligation, like, yeah, that sucks, but it also sounds like you're really upset about it because you're catastrophizing the obligation. Nothing about doing the next hour or 12 hours means it's your whole life obligation, and that should probably be kept in mind.
As far as the 3 hr long class you took about equipment safety, I think this is a prime example of catastrophizing. You have to remember that safety courses are obligated to cover worst-case scenarios, and if you were to catastrophize worst-case scenarios for anything else, like driving and car-crashes, or whatever, then if you reduced that to all extremes, you probably wouldn't do anything, and wouldn't even ride a bike or rollerblade as a child, etc. '
Try to keep things in perspective, if you can.
If I was your age, I could see myself being friends with you. 😊
I feel the same way and I don't understand why either
Your voice is changing back. ❤ Youre gorgeous. Gos be with you❤ job privides you structure. Hang in there
Take another class such as embroidery or piano, drawing, etc. It would be nice to see you dance, so take a dance class.
I was stabbed and slashed left brained damaged when I attacked walking home from work I felt like I was nothing after it but the hardest thing was not too lose hope never let yourself become hopeless no matter what ❤❤
Sometimes you have to just not pay attention to those feelings and forge on. Not a guilt trip.
My last job I only missed 3 days in almost two years.
The 1st 3 months of a new job are important not to miss work.
Keep on trucking!❤
Great advice and good example.
I hope you don't take this the wrong way, you should consider finding a loving church/church community! Really helped me fiind my true identity and overcome mental health problems. prayers for you my friend :) you're awesome
I get where you're coming from. I'm so tired all the time. I feel like I'm slowly shutting down. I hate that the only thing that brings me relief now is thinking about dying. Not having to exist anymore. Having all the weight lifted off my shoulders.
This might sound odd, but, have you ever thought about your spiritual health? I find a lot of emotional problems just clear up by being in a state of grace. That, and the advice I get from the priest at confession has been invaluable. I think one of the problems with society is we've lost the sacramental view of reality. Society has become unhooked from God which leads to insanity. Anyway, you can ask God to heal your spiritual wounds. He'll do it.
Had a laugh listening to you because i relate so hard.
Same Same Same.😢
Short term concern: Are you pulling in enough from UA-cam to avoid disaster?
noo why do I relate so much
Can you tell me some of the things you watch on youtube? I would like to check them out. Just tell me the names of the channels.
Just watched your video from three years ago where you talk about losing weight.
BRO my coworkers are the only social contact I get too!! I GET IT I RLLY DO. bro it’s so rough out hereeee bffr.
You are such a l*ser borderline personality. Deliberately calling her bro, like it's not obvious what your doing. No wonder you have no other human contact. Negative attention seeker.
More relatable than I thought it would be.
Having a job that you genuinely like a lot helps. That’s all I can really imagine helping though. Working sucks!
That’s how I be feeling sometimes I don’t be wanting to do anything or go anywhere and working 40 plus hours a week is draining I swear I barely go outside or be around people I don’t like people or being around a lot of people makes my anxiety act up and then I be feeling down and depressed at times and feeling like a outsider and ima shy person struggling with depression and being diagnosed with anxiety and I don’t kno how to handle it since this my actual first time being diagnosed with it I don’t have a social life neither bcause all I do is work and school
😮 FALLON! 😂 Just kidding! Awesome as usual!! ❤
Maybe get back into game streaming...?
not a bad idea
@@ellepalmer I'm here to help...
Your hair 🩷🩷🩷🩷
😢
Marry a rich man. |Human should not work forty hours a week, but this is how life has become. Nowadays you have to work a lot to have shelter and pay for food, the dentist, buy cosmetics, etc.
lol surely a rich man will settle for this trainwreck. No offense, but nope.
It's your hormones Elle. It took me a while to realise it myself. Try going on the pill. Check your thyroid.
What you need is a good support system. You seem to be on this journey alone.
I'm not sure about your backstory or family but if you have some great family left, that'll be helpful. If not, find a Bible believing church (there are lots of churches out there with false doctrines so it might be hard to find a good church + I'm not sure you have the skill to discern a good church from a bad church). In any case give it a try. You might get a bad church..just move on to the next church and don't let the bad ones discourage you. You can also try by starting to study the Bible yourself first, you'll be able to get a sense of what is right.
What you really need is physical contact with a community of people who truly care about you (but remember that people who truly love you would tend to tell you the truth...which no one likes hearing...so that might be an issue and you'll need to grow a bit of thick skin to take constructive criticism. So there is a bit of work input you also have to put in. You have to meet them in the middle. Nobody is perfect and nothing good comes easy.)
I can assure you, once you get a loving community 90% of your troubles would fade away.
PS: Stay away from communities that enable the idea that its ok to be another gender no matter how loving they seem. (This includes churches)
I'll pray for you.
You are loved❤❤
Elle, there's a way out of this... I will be praying for you and i hope one day you can open up your heart to God's transforming love ❤
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
God bless you 🙏🌈✝️💝
Actually, I think you look so nice! You don't resemble boy at all!! I had a friend, adult cis girl. We sang in one choir, and she had a beautiful tenor. Her voice was a lot lower than yours, and nobody ever thought that she may be not a girl. I think, you should change friends/region/country if you feel wrong. May be, you could try new (or first) profession, or enroll in some serious online education. If thinking about yourself doesn't help - try to stop thinking and to find something more interesting than your problems? Something so good and important for you, that it is worth living in ANY body? May be you should move to some northern EU country like Germany or Nederlands? Your appearance and voice would be pretty common there. Sorry if it's too much advices, I just really think that something like that can help you to solve all your problems. There is nothing special in your appearance. And I don't think it would be much different now without testosterone in the past.
You’re such a brave, intelligent young woman. Thank you for sharing. Capitalism sucks❤
Lol No you would hate prehistoric lifestyle. You would be washing dishes, be dirty, no tv, no cell phone, have to walk everywhere. Every task is physically intensive. There would be no individualism because you need the tribe to survive. You would be even more oppressed as a woman because you'd be at the mercy of physically stronger men in the tribe. Serving coffee at Starbucks would be heaven in comparison.
Please do not romanticize the prehistoric lifestyle. There's a very good reason the whole world adopted more modern lifestyles when they could.
Post abortion depression
I cant believe you stopped HRT cause u were going bald, you know men go balding in their 20s right?
That's called premature baldness. PREMATURE .
Please go away and leave her alone. Anyone who stands up to the transcult deserves respect.
@@LusciousTwinkle its not, 50% of my friends started to get bald around 21
It was probably other reasons too 💀
@@emyl_g Were they biological females on testosterone too?
@@emyl_g That's the agreed on medical wording for it. She's not just giving her opinion or repeating hearsay.