I love all cats, it's jaguars and leopards that can be seen as all black, but I love cheetahs, I love the word, just saying cheetah makes me happy, a favourite word 😹 cheetah !
I have bpd, I done a lot of work on myself. One being ok with being alone. Setting better boundaries, self control, self love and growing up basically. I had to reparents myself. I find the more I educate myself , get older , and catch my behavior I get better.
Well done it's such hard work! Even being self aware is big. And you've been doing all the work! 👏🏻💞 How did you find the re parenting process? I've looked into it but haven't tried it.
To re parent yourself you have to look into early childhood education and parenting and then do that for yourself. Find out what a mother supposed to give a child and a father then give that for little self. Including the discipline that’s what’s really important!!!
I think if you have experienced childhood trauma or dysfunction at home. We all have some degree of bpd. Don’t worry or beat yourself up. Just observe yourself and your feelings and deal with the root cause. Meditation helps you because more aware of yourself. Which will help you see your triggers and patterns
@@berniebarclay2183 I hear that. At least we're not alone in being alone. I think the real key is finding ourselves in good company when we are in solitude.
Psychiatric nurse here. I have a caseload of borderline patients with many comorbidities. Agree with the perpetual void which demands rescue and parent-child interactions. I love my work though; impeccable boundaries helps although of course they often push against. I find your videos helpful 🙂
@Just Moi yep. And if people can’t accept that truth then at least accept the truth of sexual assault in teenagers. So many people aren’t abused once but many times over a lifetime.
@Just Moi yup i was abused and sexually assaulted during my childhood and teens and I have strong traits. Its scary to get old and realize whats happened to me... really weird feeling.
I think a lot of bpd folks are desperately looking for someone to show them the light in the darkness, be their ultimate role model/epitome of success and deep love, someone they can idolize and almost deify forever.. But the lack of boundaries scares relatively normal folks away, or makes them easy target for more narcissistic / exploitative relationships. I think the only way to really stop this habit or nip it in the bud is to learn good boundaries and constantly retrain your brain to remember everyone is human, screws up, has secret insecurities and shades of grey without necessarily being evil. It is hard at first but gets easier with practice. And over time you have to build yourself into someone you can look up to, so you don't have to rely on others to show you how to be perfect.
@Just Moi - IMO - think the similarities between BPD & C-PTSD get confusing... suspect children/teens who’ve been sexually abused would more likely be diagnosed with the latter. Healing thoughts to you. 🙏🏻
Once you get away from narcissists, you realize that the rest of the world is not all that different. I wonder if the overprotection of children, the lack of joy and play at a very young age, isolation in city apartments, creates these inferiority ridden, insecure, sadistic tendencies for psychopathy to bloom. It's a sad thought that the only way out for most of us, was the warped perception of our stressed parents.
Not only in cities but in suburbia where everything is very bland but separated. I'm not talking cool neighborhoods with a variety of houses but the disgusting newer suburban developments in the upper middle class south and midland America, where every house is a copy of each other except like 3 tweaks to provide a sense of variety, but the front yards are small and the back yards are medium/small and there's no community park for people to gather bc it's assumed that people only gather at the mall or church and nowhere else. Libraries are miles and miles away, and internet is mainly used for tv drama streaming and gaming. Idk. I guess I'm just describing hellish scenes of yuppie north texas.. 😂
I experienced a borderline. He was definitely terrified of me leaving. He cried just thinking about it and I was very reassuring. He started to show some narcissistic behavior and then he was just mean. It was a roller coaster and exhausting for sure. I thought I loved him but I couldn't live like that!
I never use these words casually…..I love you Richard. He his brilliant and totally understands what happens when we have trauma from screwed-up, traumatized parents. AKA…generational trauma. Thank you Sir. You are part of my healing journey .
I was abandoned many times over by almost all caregivers and other abuses - and truly believe I have healed. It takes WORK though. Not fun, not easy work. I however no longer seek romantic love.
The fairy tales learned as a female child should stop being taught because they are lies. No one ever tells you what happens after the wedding. Especially if you happen to fall in love with a narc or BPD person who creates this love bombing, fake fantasy world only to turn into their ugly selves after they have you trapped in a marriage. I speak from experience. I remember how much I loved romance novels but one day I tossed a book aside and never read another one again. I am in a different place now in my life. Romance is not what I seek but rather a healthy relationship.
@@bethflynn4278 True love/ the person God made perfectly for you to mate with is definitely real and is available for everyone. To find them you havd to follow your true self/soul desire and start getting rid of your ego/false self. Sex before marriage means don’t have sex until you meet the person God made for you, marriage and weddings are two different things and that’s what alot of Christians don’t understand. Eve being made from Adam’s rib is to symbolize that there souls were once one, made in God’s image (genesis 1:27) It’s pretty much saying God is your soul and it’s made up of masculine and feminine energy. Lucifer turns into Satan which represents ego/negative energy/ fear/the devil/ the beast falls off the tree when they give into him and is allowed to run the earth and Adam and Eve are kicked out of the garden of eden which symbolizes the new earth/earth paradise and separate from each other/God. So to get back to God aka there true selves/soul and the Garden of Eden they must work together and destroy the negative energies inside of them and get satan back on the tree. Adam also represents the masculine/left brain/ positive charge. Eve represents the feminine/right brain/negative charge. The tree represents our spine and the cross since we have 33 vertebrates and Jesus ascended into heaven at 33 years old. The tree also represents Moses’s staff with the serpent on it. Lucifer on the tree/Jesus Christ on the cross also represent the kundalini/sexual energy that connects to our pineal gland/3rd eye. It’s all about ascension and balancing are left and right brains but still maintaining our natural energies as male and female that the evil elites have been trying to the destroy. You’ll experience alot of supernatural synchronicities with the person God made for you. I notice alot of people who say they’re experiencing this relationship don’t bring up the supernatural synchronicities and when they do it’s usually a big reach and far from supernatural. I feel that it’s up to the man to find God first, start no fap/semen retention, not sleep around, and just do his best to become righteous then God will put his Eve in his life and then they can start working together and clearing the negative energies before fully and permanently uniting. Once they do that then they can show people that God and love exist
As a student of psychohistory, I found this insight quite profound. We are so consumed with seeing the age as a narcissistic one, we fail to account for the fragility and reactivity we see generally, all the traits of BPD / CPTSD. But what if we are looking at is two sides of the same coin? Global capitalism and global media have super-empowered narcissists /sociopaths / psychopaths, and it is the enormous damage these people are doing to the rest of us that has us all triggered and doubting reality, one that seemingly has betrayed us. Pema Chodron, the Buddhist monk, describes when this feeling of groundlessness hit her -- the moment her husband (certainly displaying narcisistic traits) suddenly walks out on her. Depression, anger, disillusionment == leading her to Buddhism, for she was shown that we are living in delusion, that we must learn to feel the jagged edges of experience, to accept things as they are. And so it is that the epidemic of BPD - like thinking -- the paranoia, the short fuse, the distrust -- - is what happens when the abusers have revealed their true nature and act with impunity. This is all playing out on a global scale now, and we must resist by accepting our dissociation as a natural response to a world gone mad.
This is so true with my girlfriend right now, after living with her for 2 years. Her true colours are coming to light. She is classic BPD without the self harm. Everyone must feel sorry for her, even though she has led a charmed life in comparison to some.
When I saw and read the saying pertaining to being the target of a narcissist, "Those on the outside looking in, can't understand it. Those on the inside looking out, can't explain it", all I could say outloud was YES!
Imagine starting to really make some progress in your healing from cptsd only for the government to just fuck it all up..I'm back to square one, and I don't care anymore. I just don't have the energy or the will to fight for my life anymore. can't heal in a sick society.
My husband is a narcissist. He knew that I had abandonment issues. He would use that to torment me. He would walk out in me so much like 5 to 6 times a week. I had three babies at the time. Like newborn through age 3. He used my abandonment issues to hurt me so much. That eventually I healed my abandonment trauma. I mean I went counseling and studied you and dr Vankins stuff. I definitely had issues and narcs like to exploit them. For me I just dedicated my life to self awareness and Counceling.
Being the never ending professional victim is absolutely what burned the bridge finally for me. Manipulation is incredibly damaging and exhausting. I was so angry when my friend admitted to knowing she did this and I lost all the empathy I had for her pain. I feel it was cruel of me to walk away totally from this friendship but I have my life back. I just could not take it anymore.
Oh sweet Jesus - I think you just nailed my last relationship - she didn’t want my love, my adult support for everything, she wanted rescue and blew everything up when I couldn’t rescue her. There was NO rescue.
Same here. The ironic thing is that I DID rescue him yet nothing was enough for him. I rescued him financially, professionally, emotionally in every possible way while he destroyed me financially, emotionally and professionally.
And my ex narc was always saying how he rescued me, but there was nothing to rescue.me.from. it didn't make sense. My daughter has BPD and she is always.playing the damsel in distress.
@@juliettailor1616 Same here. Not financially really but I would say I rescued him socially. I was the girlfriend that made him look better. And he expected me to save everything (our relationship etc) over and over again. He never changed and now he's my ex. I'm not his mother and never wanted to be. And he's not really three years old and that kind of behavior isn't really attractive in a grown-up man. They have the life-experience of a grown-ups anyway and that makes them super-nasty.
I think perhaps those who hate the idea that “personality disorders” are due to childhood trauma either do not want to admit their own faults as a parent or “see” their own parents as they truly were...perhaps both! A “disease of the minds of many”...let’s turn away from the mirror and not look at ourselves because it’s painful and I don’t want to! SPOILED ADULTS we can be!
Listen to what he said .The cause is part genetic and part EXTREEM TRAUMA as a young person. As a person with BPD/Bi-polar type 2 ( believe me i went kicking and screaming that i had these mental issues.)I've done a ton of dialectical theropy. It's an angry illness and unless people want help they will fight the process, like addicts, you can take them to water but you can't make them drink. They have to have a DSM version of what this is but i don't think it says we hate and are freaks....Also i have had 4 doctors give me this diagnosis from age 19 - 51, i cut myself, i used alcohol, got in trouble, lost my kids ( so glad i did'nt hurt them )Moved to be their mom and now my instability is driving them away...What he said about happy, sad, cry, fear all in 20 minutes..it's torcher. People don't listen, my entire family still won't listen. I'm angry but at my illness and at myself that i'm not stronger, infact those emotional flash backs will and are becoming the death of me. If people don't start to get involved and learn about these things before you jump. Let me tell ya i don't want sympathy, i want to feel content....The pro victim is sooooo wrong. We want love like everyone, our twist is people are so self absorbed that i've asked for exactly what i wish they would do. Answer a call, cell phones and tech stuff has made this so difficult cause people do not listen.....STOP CALLING IT MANIPULATION.....
True to an extent but far from the whole story and far too simplistic in this twisted world we live in. Ive spent years looking at myself, working on myself. I can and do claim my faults but I also know that there were other complicated issues involved. Parents are not the only thing that cayse BPD. Sexual.abuse is not the only thing that causes BPD. Trauma is definitely a cycle but also , BPD is a kaleidoscope of issues and factors.
@@stompthedragon4010 Yes it really helped, i'm doing another 8 week round in the new year. To treat this i am in weekly thereopy and medication. Also constant contact to websites for hourly vents...its a real thing my doctor requested going because my energy is so intense i need a gate to let it out so i don't torture my family be cause they don't understand why i bounce all over..so thats what i so and i write alot but i'm still a slave to my head and EXTREEM FEARS.
@@bpdinmylifeapersonaldailyc6533 thata wondeeful to hear. My daughter struggles with BPD . It breaks my heart to see h9w it egfects her and her life. Im hoping DBT will help her.
I will repeat until my dying day how your work saved me. How your educating me and how doing the work shifted me back to some semblance of me. There are days I see clearly how I have changed. How the word "no" can be said politely and any adverse reaction is NOT chaos I have to be part of. I truly never believed I'd ever get thru this to a kind of thriving. 2 years ago the shift came about. Enough to gain traction. A truly momentus day. Thank you. I still watch you from time to time. Your dedication to this is extraordinary 😀😀😀
I have been saying this for years. It is so true. I finally realize that I have been dating guys with BPD or Narcissism for 12 years. I see that pattern and am seeking counseling to change what I attract and accept.
Been through five years of that myself man, keep it up, it sounds like you're doing well. I am really glad to hear it is helping you, it is not an easy process and it takes real commitment to stick at it but it is most definitely worth it. I hope it continue to go well for you dude.
Proud of You Thanks for sharing 😘💯🙏🏽💖💖💓👑💓👑👑💓💝💋💝💝👏🏼👑👑👑💋🌹💕🌹💕That's amazing News 💋💯💋💋you are giving hope to others right now ty ty Ty 💕🙏🏽💕🙏🏽💕🌹🌹🌹🌹👑🌹👑👑👑👑👑👑👑👑👑👑👑👑👑👑
@Just Moi this is me I think, but I’m not “all over the place” like a Classic BPD. The Covert BPD that Sam Vaknin explains seems exactly like how I was however.
yes, he’s explaining a lot of my own behaviors and those of many. I want to really understand and be able to put language to it. I need to know the whys in order to re-teach myself and become a person I can like!
Here's a simple way to recognize when you'er in the presence of someone or a group, with this disorder. BPs function as the "Victim" who victimizes. I tell this to all my clients who've been abused by BPs. And it helps them to begin to understand what the hell they've been through. Codependency keeps people confused. And so, very challenging to say "NO" and push back on the abuse or walk away - As an individual and as a group, suffering from Codependency / Self Love Deficit Disorder. Love your video Sir! You're doing a great service.
OMG what a painful experience to never get out of the tumble. That being said, I was raised to be this and fought hard to raise myself our of it. My siblings, on the other hand, continue to do nothing to change their emotional selves. Exhausting is an understatement and I keep them at a great distance.
yes. 25 years for me and i’ve made a lot of progress but still..had a fight with my partner a couple weeks ago and he needed to clear his head. I felt that terror like i hadn’t for years. Weeping, hyperventilating. I heard myself beg “please don’t go” before he walked out the door. i survived, he came back but damn. I wouldn’t want anyone to feel that way. I never want to feel that again. Logically, I knew it was going to be okay and likely better if he left but I truly felt I would die, lose everything, if he did. So grateful for this content!
As a psych nurse I find that psychiatric diagnoses have little to no value outside of insurance reimbursement. In my field (in the US), the majority of psych patients have a schizophrenia diagnosis because it’s the easiest to group people into and insurance rarely denies anything for this diagnosis. Many of my patients could be diagnosed as NPD, BPD, ABC, ZYX, but they’re not because these labels have no medical value. Instead, we focus on bad behaviors and how to stop or limit bad behaviors, usually by setting boundaries. That being said, Wolf Crier Syndrome and They Got Syndrome are my least favorites of the bad behaviors. Walked into work tonight and a patient had a meltdown for hours because I said hello to someone else first.
well psychiatry is all about the money, not helping people. Look at people being persecuted by s@tanists with d1rected en3rgy w3apons, they get called skitzo if they dare complain about it, and the so-called help gaslights them and further destroys them with theior fake fraudulent help
My BPD brother married a Covert NPD and ended up taking his life in January after she told him their kids were not his and she was pregnant with yet another man’s child.
Great stuff, Richard. I enjoy how you have been relating your knowledge on these subjects to the population at large, and what's happening in the world. You really are so important to our world right now. Your brilliance and ability to share your own experience with these disorders is so needed, extremely helpful, and remarkably noble of you to share with us. So thank you, very much, for your hard work, dedication and gratitude towards us for our time and attention. I don't think its said enough, but I, for one, really appreciate you. ❤
This helped me a lot again. And it also triggered a lot of my own issues. This is the time of the lifting of the veils on a global and on a highly personal level. It really is the sign of the times. The universe asks of us to do very hard work right now. Nobody can escape it. So i wish everybody the strenght and endurance to deal with this. 💜🙏
Your descriptions of the head-space of BPD was very accurate (terror, drowning) and made my cry pretty hard. But it had elements of being the good cry in that it was nice to feel understood. My story: I always genuinely liked reading a lot more than other things and other people. So that set me apart from others kind of automatically. (Helping with identity.) Its primarily a introverted hobby, which is fine because I am introverted anyway. I am more of the discouraged type meets the petulant. Where I would rather not form connections than like... Gain & lose them... I also figured out early that the pain I was feeling was largely caused by, and exaggerated by - avoidal behaviours of those I was close to. So because of that, I was able to sort of tease out on my own ways to work on my own avoidal tendancies like in CBT/DBT such as the deep breathing & mindfulness, some other things I figured out myself. Because I was smart and discovered things I disclosed would always shortly be used as weapons against me. I introverted VERY strongly & I basically came to confront this "terror" Grannon describes very directly and so sort of worked out the choice to live so to speak, to be functional and drive down the pain I felt... Like, if its me against "these people" my supposed providers. Its a binary choice... Like I can be reliably functional enough to provide for myself. But not enough to meet my real goals because I don't have the motivation. I am carrying around a enormous wound, where I feel like what I can really give that is the deepest expression of myself isn't really wanted. So then why be at all if its something someone else can or will do? Its something I still struggle with occasionally even after a decade plus of deep therapeutic work. (Also a daily meditator. Mindfulness, but also Mantra meditation where you focalize on a single phrase.) Anyway dunno if you are the discouraged/quiet type, but I hope the above was helpful to you or someone. So there seems to be a small class of us who picked up SOME positive adaptive habits on our own. But ironically in some ways that itself is a trigger because you want someone to be authentically present with your pain not in the summertime... This is probably why we get so triggered when it comes to dealing with coaches/therapists. (GENUINELY SORRY GRANNON!) Its because we know that the client - coach/therapist relationship is fundamentally constructed. We will want to know "what you really think". In my case, as a kid I mostly just shut down or lied (since I was being detained) and I cried when I got home because I didn't want to be there. When I tried to talk about the issues that was causing my suffering, with anyone for the longest time people didn't want to deal with it. I didn't want to "go talk to a professional", I wanted someone I knew & cared for to try and hear my suffering without trying to shove it off on someone else. I am talking about early on in my traumatizing, and saying that this aloneness is part of what contributes to the engrained behavior. Its almost a form of ostracism where the fragile self feels that it can't authentically exist in relationship with people (even if it can) but is still sort of holding onto that hope. Hence the self-sabotage, hence asking for a "savior". I can think of several people over the course of time besides my parents who, if they had just been properly present with me BEFORE I got really messed I don't think it would have gotten to BPD levels...
After a BPD girlfriend in 2019, and studying the psychology of narcissism since then... THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I'VE BEEN THINKING. The rage is just beneath the surface.
The in-depth information you provide and share is so easily accessible, helping countless people. This information was unheard of years ago. You should feel good knowing the countless number of people you help. You are handsome and smart. May your life be filled with love and happiness.
Fortunately through studying narcissism I found out why I was codependent.More importantly I discovered I was an eternal victim. I suffered torture and sexual abuse aged 8. This was by a non blood relative in his late 30's. The Only time I was hugged after the age of 5 was when I was very Ill. Mother had severe BPD with a father that was an enabler. It's my responsibility to heal,change and grow from realising how I coped with the abuse. I now get to know people. I am much quieter and try and regulate my emotions. I'm healing from an eating disorder. Dropped 100 pounds and have healthier friends that I dont have to take hostage. Thanks Richard for being a part of my recovery.
This is so fantastic. All of what you are saying resonates with me. I worked with homeless people for years. I have so much love for them but I felt my colleagues didn't see the patterns of personality and are naïve and endanger themselves and others. I am also being screened for BPD but think I just have traits, which I am working so hard to change. I strongly agree with your description of current culture, which is increasingly repulsive and frightening to me. You can't even challenge it without being attacked. I read something recently - 'character, not identity.' I'm going to try to live by these words, and move towards empathy and away from politics and identity. Certain current movements condemn abuse while employing the same tactics. This is very disturbing indeed. Judging things on a case by case basis does not make you more vulnerable to being radicalized by dark forces, as many people seem to suggest. Being a good, even just better person is the work of a lifetime. I'm rambling now. Thanks again, Richard.
@@Gejskdhajskakdhx Trauma that lead to their becoming homeless?? Also, somebody mentioned BPD could lead some to become self-destructive to the point of becoming homeless. What have you observed???
@@timefortee I'd say that pretty much everyone I worked with had severe trauma. This would lead to addiction and other behavioural issues (aggression, executive disfunction, hoarding, inability to pay rent or maintain hygiene of housing) which lead directly to homelessness. Most were from poor backgrounds so they didn't have a safety net such as a family member with a spare room, or savings. They were retraumatized over and over again by being homeless and trapped in a small space with other traumatised individuals. It's dire here in the UK and I weep for the homeless because the housing crisis is so bad and people require so much more than that to recover anyway.
Watching a lot of videos on these topics on UA-cam I came to a similar conclusion about this "mental state" of the world a few months ago. It feels really validating to listen to you. Congratulations and thank you.
yeah, they really are different. I find myself wishing I could be dead without having to die all of the time. So much so sometimes I used to convince myself I was already dead.
i’ve never been suicidal but I have wished i didn’t exist so many times. I’m terrified to die and I’m pissed I have to. I hate it here, on earth, i don’t like it or anything I have to do to keep myself alive. It’s like a tiredness...at least, anger feels better than the pain and sadness of existing.
@@Su_aSponte I get that. Better to be angry than to let the sadness engulf you. Although actually, if you can bear the full force of the sadness, really get acquainted with it like, and get through it to the other side, it can be really rejuvenating. That's been my experience anyway. It's all pain, choose your flavour! ;)
I really like this video, Mr. Grannon. You were able to properly articulate that it is hell to live with the disorder and not much easier for an outsider to deal with it.
You are sounding good here. Glad to see it. Steering me to Pete Walker's book in early 2017 might have saved my life. It's been a heck of a journey since, as it does tend to be. Thank you for still being here.
It seems presently that there are many people who are having issues with identity due to the circumstances in the world. For example the doctors who have identified as “Doctor” and suddenly do not have a way to heal. The same goes for teachers who are feeling that virtual learning might replace them, or pastors who have not been able to meet with their flock and so on. It may not be the same trauma as when someone is very small but if someone was thoroughly entrenched in their career as an identity and it was suddenly, seemingly taken from them could these personal traumas create a wave of some sort of low grade depression or will all of the displaced folk figure it out individually and simply move on in an evolution of healing?
I don't feel the "who am I?" question, even though I experienced gas lighting and boundary-breaking from parents. I think it's because I immersed myself in hobbies, which gave me self-esteem. If I felt confused about my identity, I could view myself as a musician or artist - which were things that I was actually good at and creating. It's helped me a lot, and I think skills and hobbies should be encouraged in children.
I have a similar situation. I always genuinely liked reading a lot more than other things and other people. So that set me apart from others kind of automatically. Its primarily a introverted hobby, which is fine because I am introverted anyway. I am more of the discouraged type meets the petulant. Where I would rather not form connections than like... Gain & lose them... I also figured out early that the pain I was feeling was largely caused by, and exaggerated by - avoidal behaviours of those I was close to. So because of that, I was able to sort of tease out on my own ways to work on my own avoidal tendancies like in CBT/DBT such as the deep breathing & mindfulness, some other things I figured out myself. Because I was smart and discovered things I disclosed would always shortly be used as weapons against me. I introverted VERY strongly & I basically came to confront this "terror" Grannon describes very directly and so sort of worked out the choice to live so to speak, to be functional and drive down the pain I felt... Like, if its me against "these people" my supposed providers. Its a binary choice... Like I can be reliably functional enough to provide for myself. But not enough to meet my real goals because I don't have the motivation. I am carrying around a enormous wound, where I feel like what I can really give that is the deepest expression of myself isn't really wanted. So then why be at all if its something someone else can or will do? Its something I still struggle with occasionally even after a decade plus of deep therapeutic work. Anyway dunno if you are the discouraged/quiet type, but I hope the above was helpful to you or someone. So there seems to be a small class of us who picked up SOME positive adaptive habits on our own. But ironically in some ways that itself is a trigger because you want someone to be authentically present with your pain not in the summertime...
I’m not too sure where he got his diagnostic requirements for borderline personality disorder, A lot is left out, unclear, or vague. A very important example is the fact that symptom 9 also includes disassociation but he has not spoken about it at all. The legitimate diagnostic process states there is no requirement for any specific symptom to suffer from to get a diagnosis. you just need five out of the nine. I fall in the same category. I have suffered from other symptoms of BPD but I never had a lack of identity. i’m glad that you have your own identity and hobbies and things like that. that’s one of the best strategies to help a borderline who does suffer from that symptom!
This explaines so well I used to feel... I experienced severe child abuse growing up and it is comforting to hear someone explain it so well - "whirldwiind shit storm" describe it perfectly! After 13 years of focusing on getting to the bottom of my despair I can say that now I can experience constant happiness... Do not experience severe mood swings anymore, I do sense a minor depression, yet not enough to bring me into despair. Thank you Richard.
1:07 First time I heard about borderline was from a friend who had spent time in psychiatric hospitals (as a patient): "Borderlines...those are the ones who always scream and rage...". Which gave me an inkling that there might be a name (!) for the screaming fits of my daughter-in-law, frightening moments that were never talked about. They just happened and then things continued as if nothing had ever happened. Never mind that everyone around her just FROZE and beyond that walked on eggshells. Studying borderline, inside out, for over 14 years now, the problem has become very clear - to me. Also thanks to your wonderful videos that I have watched for years.The whole family is in shambles. No therapists have been harmed in the process by the way, because she won't see one. Our son, after twenty years of this, is like a rag doll. A victim of his misplaced empathy. The children have serious behavioral problems, high anxiety, PTSD all over the place. Contact is being refused (by her) and she does not allow any contact between us and our son, or us and our grandchildren (for another full year now), as she is afraid that we might realize that something might not be "quite right" (ever since she screamed in front of us....). No end in sight... So much worse than narcissism. You are so right, Richard! Fascinating, to say the least.
You have given me insight, even just so far in this video. To keep it simple, I've had an unhealthy relationship with abuse just in my internal world that I keep internal. Like wishing for abuse I never had or wishing my abuse had been worse. I've never understood it at all. That's a terrible thing to want and I should be counting my blessings. But deep down I did feel I needed to be saved and I wanted people to see that. I never really made the connection before this video, though I have been studying for 5 years. Thank you
I have been thinking the exact same thing lately Richard - not as well fleshed out but that exact notion has come to me, the world being BPD. The more the world has started to resemble the inside of my head, the more concerned I have become. The collective splitting going on now is wild, to say the least and the different modes manifesting as political/cultural factions is something I feel is happening (they all live in very different realities built on different beilf systems (schemas)... I haven't watched the video yet, I had to comment first because I have genuinely been thinking the same thing lately. I was worried enough when I thought the world was merely narcissistic, it is in fact much worse, at least there would be some semblance of order if the world was purely narcissistic. P.s BPD is treatable. I can confirm.
I have experienced this terror myself out of the blue one day. Overwhelming terror, deathly to the primitive core of me. Thank you for your help and support.
I have a thing... no, it‘s not feet! 😂 Thanks for bringing laughter even into these depths. It seems the sheer tempo of the world we live in also contributes more to emotional reactions and rash outbursts than to critical thinking and understanding motives etc. Thank you so much! Btw: Loved the crickets in the background!
That’s just explained exactly my friends behaviour! Must be rescued, draws the rescuers in politely through stirring up pity, giving a X-ray amount of mixed up messages of what they want done, then rips them to pieces when they do what they told them but not what they wanted them to guess!
Thanks Richard for taking the time to make such an important video... you have a good heart, very caring person... much appreciate all you do, very helpful to me.
Weirdly I definitely became BPD during my marriage to a narcissist...it was as though his fluctuating idealising and devaluing mood swings of perverse passive aggression made me fluctuate even worse in response. As soon as I saw what he was and was able to disentangle myself from his hold on me, eventually calmly walking away and divorcing him, I went back to normal (even while we were still living together before the divorce) and have remained perfectly stable since! I believe it has something to do with me having a personality type that when unhealthy can lurch into BPD behaviour but that I don’t have BPD...curious what you think of this...
My unprofessional reflection is that you do not have bpd. It sounds more like cptsd with a strong "fight/fawn response". If you bob up to normalcy when the abuse is removed it probably is not bpd.
Same story here had 3 unhealthy situationships with unhealthy individuals since 2012 but had 2 long term healthy ones 9 & 7 years and the difference was night and day. Away from toxicity I’m a balanced and high-achieving individual.
Thanks for the reflections guys...I was abused by my older brother throughout my childhood...not sexual, actually kinda narcissistic abuse or maybe just plain vindictive emotional torture...took me ages to realise any connection as my parents didn’t have any personality disorders but they did used to excuse my brother all the time, saying I provoked him (not at all true) until they started seeing bruises all over me...too late by then...I have to say how terribly sad I feel for anyone with BPD for real...I could walk away and get healthy but imagine being trapped in that torment no matter what you do...heartbreaking! would sibling abuse be enough to cause CPTSD? For me, just seeing there was some kind of problem, that my tolerance of my husband’s bullshit and belief that he loved me, was enough to trigger major deep self reflection and spiritual contemplation...in the end these things are just symptoms that we need to overcome our acquired childish responses to reach adulthood proper, no matter the ‘diagnosis’ often the solution remains the same.
@@susanlittlesthobo6422 It was your parents respponsibility to see you, and to see that you where bullied. Try and remember how your parents treated your brother. Bullying attitude does not come from nothing. Try and remember how your parents reacted when something happened to you. As children we reframe things that are hurtful concerning our parents. But the true memories are in there somewhere, ready to surface when you are ready to recieve them. Grown up You will have to go back in time and stand up for you as a child when you was mistreaded. Grown up you can go back and observe what did happen. One event at a time. This is best done with a councelor that you trust. I send you a socially distanced cyberhug. Stay strong.
I agree!! I was with a man whom I consider to have NPD, for 3 years. While with him I became extremely emotionally labile, depressed, helpless and at times psychopathic. After leaving him 7 months ago, I have become so much more calm and balanced. My father was also very narcissistic. The more I stayed away from him, the better I became.
It's a disorder of contradictions... daily. It's the HARDEST disorder to be with someone who has it. It drives you mad and it's harder to treat than someone with Schizophrenia. It's the fear of vulnerability in everything that is done. It is exhausting. I am exhausted living alongside this.
Some people have asked me to clean on my channel. There’s a sub culture of people cleaning on UA-cam and people watch, like the mukbangs. It is pointless and a waste of time, UA-cam is porn. Politics is porn. Religion is porn. Anything to not have to deal with ourselves. This is a brilliant talk.
I find your comment negatively judgmental. Some people with anxiety are soothe by those cleaning videos. I find that they help me get motivated to clean my own home sometimes. They are harmless video at worse, helpful for various psychological reason at best.
In my experience with a parent that has bpd traits, they literally and wrongly blame their close family members when they are worried about them (like if someone they love gets sick, loses a job, has any problem), because it "hurts" them, so they lash out, rage, blame, shame, and abuse the family member for doing this to "them". Also, they feel safe with showing love & concern to babies & small children, but not to teens or adults, even their own children, and if you try to show love or concern to them, they freeze and get upset. Some people with bpd act like they prefer to live alone, to be alone, yet always want to be around someone, and are afraid to admit it, for fear of abandonment. My parent went to a doctor once, and told him that her family caused all of her problems, their fault, not hers, and did not like what the doctor said, and never went back, and talks badly about psychiatrists, and how psychology is a bunch of bull. I could go on & on, but I understand why many therapists & doctors refuse to work with people with bpd (working in healthcare here in the U.S., I've had many tell me that they will not even attempt to treat people with BPD). "I need rescuing" in an adult with bpd can look like "I do not need rescuing" too, because they hate that about themselves, and talk and act like they don't need people at all, which is very confusing, but their behavior really has to be looked at, their intent makes all the difference. They can be very independent as far as supporting themselves financially, etc, it's different for everyone, but they might try to buy your attention & time, or use blame & shame. I think my mother has bpd due to one of her parents not giving her unconditional love, and she watched her dad treat her mom terrible, without her mom sticking up for herself, and her father totally disowned his kids when they became teenagers, like, you're on your own now, no more protection, etc. Oh, another thing, about my family member with bpd traits (because they don't think/I mean won't admit that they themselves have a mental disorder): they are extremely critical of people who've been dx'd with a mental illness, they are very biased and talk about them like they're dirt.
I have a friend who fits this bill so well. She is not disparaging of mental health treatment, but would never pursue it herself. She views herself as intensely independent but positively corners /almost bullies me at moments to get me to spend time with her.
"So, if you remember that the guiding star is this abandonment terror and the sense of having a part of you pulled out and taken away that you’re then searching for for the rest of your life, the sense of perpetually drowning and panicking, the sense of the personality structure perpetually tumbling, the sense of trying to put a self upon the shelf and there’s no shelf there to be found, that means you can never hold in place who you are you can never have a sense of this is me this is the other this is how we relate then this is where you end up .“ What a surprise.
This comment is addressing Kevin Howe's question at 1:42:40 about vulnerable narcissism and BPD Something I've learned from watching this channel is an important base distinction between a "narcissist" and a "borderline" In 2002 I went through the Dutch mental health system - making the mistake of asserting my belief that my problem was PTSD, and I had an MPD diagnosis from 1990, when I was 18. I walked out of the intake with a BPD dagnosis and a prescription for zyprexa. My partner at the time was a fragile narcissist for whom I had gone to mental health - he was as "nuts" as me but refused to acknowledge it; he projected all of his crazy ont me, so I carried it in addition to my own. Anyway, read "Walking on Eggshells" and that gave him all the ammunition he needed to deny that he was abusive. It's twenty years later and I am just recovering from the impact of that relationship and the damage done by the mental health systems in two European countries and two US states. By watching this channel and Vaknin's, I've been able to see HOW I am "a borderline" on the BPD/NPD spectrum of codependent relationships. In my opinion, this brilliant model reflects the majority of dysfunctional relationships I see around me - and I should clarify that pretty much all relationships I see nowadays are dysfunctional, though not abusive - they're just codependent. Two decades of struggle to recover from developmental trauma while being regarded as a borderline turned me into a narcissist. But it didn't give me NPD. I don't have the thing it takes to have NPD as opposed to BPD. Richard and Sam taught me the distinction: Narcissists have damaged egos. Narcissism, as a word, has a lot of synonyms - selfishness, self-involvement, self-centeredness - borderline has no synonyms. Borderlines have a fundamentally damaged sense of self. I believe the damage is in the persona. It's helpful for me to distinguish in terms of what terrifies them - someone with NPD is terrified that they will die if they are not special. Fragile disrdered narcissists are in touch with the fact that they aren't special, where garden-variety narcissists are blissfully unaware of that. (I believe covert narcissists are more dangerous because of this) Borderlines - their terror is about disappearing - obliteration of a self that they have zero connection to, and therefore can never be reassured, and so they get into "rescue me" patterns. In my mind, fragile narcissists are fragile because of the tape in their heads that is running all the time: No matter what you do, you will always be shit. This makes them seek out borderline partners that they can then project onto. It's a relationship that works very well when it works (like in the honeymoon period) - I had a second relationship with an FN that was super successful for 2.5 years and only fell apart when I started showing signs of emotional exhaustion from supporting two people's "stuff", where that partner's job was to handle our "practical" stuff. But as soon as it went bad, it was horrid.
You have made total sense . I see it from the perspective of a early childhood care giver. How I witness children getting ignore by their parents when they wake up in the morning and they don’t get acknowledgement or their needs met for a long period of time. So yes I believe this applies to abandonment issues early on in life.
:-( sorry to hear that. Raised by a narcissistic mother, it was like Cinderella without any prince or fairy godmother. I hope both you and I and anyone looking to fix this can.
My child was rippedaway by an evil, screwed- up system for several years. I suggest we start pointing some fingers at the youth system for the damage it does.
There seems to be a relationship between their panic with the falling sensation, and the excitement or joy they derive from manipulating; causing confusion, distress, and being fake. Does this have to do with control issues? That is, they were abused as children and had no control over their situation, and so as adults they randomly manipulate to gain back some sense of lost control, as well as punish; even if they are punishing someone who had nothing to do with their childhood? Or, is manipulation a defense mechanism for adult panic; would the dismantling of this strategy assist in gaining better access to the sources of panic and the falling sensation?
Richard thank you for posting this. It's very refreshing as a father of two young children with a borderline mother to hear you speak on this. Keep working at it and I'm sure the complex and unusual pattern of making yellow will become clear to you.
I am a 23 year old female, and I can admit to having multiple tabs of bohemian Etsy jewelry open on my phone at all times. Although I do intend to eventually buy it!
Richard’s statement that a bad relationship must be ended is true, and it doesn’t need to be labeled BPD or NPD. But when one is in a long term (15yrs in my case) relationship, we not only seek to salvage the massive emotional and life investment, but we tend to seek ways to amend it, to change it, and to improve it. I did that until I not only got to know my ex wife was a failed narcissist, but until when I learned that she was spiraling down further into her narcissistic self. Although she showed her dark side to me when we were together, I only started to really see it how dark, and to an extend even darker and unfiltered, after 1 1/2 years after our separation. I’m grey-rocked her and started to build distance since about 1 year ago, and hopefully my divorce will come at about 2 years of separation. At about now, we only talk about practical divorce and financial issues, quite amicably, and only now I see how evil she can be towards others (I’m sure myself when I’m not looking). So, it is important for victims to understand what they’re dealing with, that even the most codependent lover will realize the toxicity of a NPD or BPD lover. Only then can they start the process to acknowledge, digest, mature and eventually act on breaking the emotional link, and the end of the relationship. Who am I, but I agree with that statement, but advise not to generalize it.
What an interesting perspective! I found this to be really insightful.. It's made me wonder.. DBT is the most effective treatment for BPD we have to date - BUT a closer look into DBT one will find many parallels with Indigenous ways of healing that have existed for generations (mindfulness being one aspect). I wonder, if a way though this current world 'disorder' is rekindling the teaching and healing practices that many historically oppressed groups have been using for generations - the problem is that a lot of this knowledge has been lost due to colonialism. just more personal observations/feels: We in the west oscillate between extreme independence (look how many people live alone and dont interact nowadays, how it's seen as cool to not be the first one to reach out smh) but paradoxically extreme dependence (phones, social media, consumer goods). We don't have the inner stability/acceptance/sense of worthiness which allows us to feel free to be our authentic selves. recipe for depression, anxiety, etc. we stop talking to people because of differences in ideology or not meeting our ideal expectations.. even tho they are family, even tho we have a lifetime of memories together, even tho they're human. thats not to say to put up with abuse.. but overall bpd splitting is literally cancel culture on the internet. why not compassion? why not a bit of temporary discomfort for longterm strength? It takes acceptance.. which is hard. self-acceptance. a knowing that you have a place here, even if you are lonely at the moment. Children don't have that on their own, they need safe people around who will guide them, accept/empathize with them, and protect them.. the alternative is a lot of shame & defensiveness to cover it up/repress it. i know parenting styles that are permissive can work for some kids, and not for others. but warmth in parenting is universally essential. it's interesting to think about. Most people globally are living to meet their needs, many in poverty. they need each other in a way that is foreign to most North American lifestyles.. yet colonialism is continuing to disrupt families and communities. human nature imo is inherently trustworthy, creative & interdependent and needs a sense of structure and purpose. it's a fact that north american kids use a lot more black and white/dichotomous/hierarchical thinking compared to eastern and racialized cultures. it's all in the social conditioning. the same social conditioning that tells people self care is how much money you invest in yourself. Lol. The yearning for intimacy, connection, belongingness, interdependence is often eclipsed by the fear of abandonment/rejection/pain/loss of status.. maybe if we just recognize what true joy is - celebrating what we share. we can have a heart to heart. learn how to do it respectfully. put our hearts together...and then rainbows and sparkles will ensue :)
My ex must have some bpd and npd. Maybe even some schizoaffective disorder. I was so enmeshed and ignorant to psychology, at a time he almost made me believe the moon itself was an illusion. I look back and almost don't believe it happened. He doesn't seem to remember himself. It can be very challenging helping these people when it seems they need others to believe they should suffer. To understand him, I couldn't trust his words. I needed to look at his stories in his darkest periods. He once believed he was Aslan and the sacrificial lamb. I believe he knew to recover he had to let die the part his personality that became an alcoholic to cope. He couldn't face the truth. What is most difficult for me to accept is that victims can also be guilty. It's most important to keep boundaries and respect oneself when wanting to help these people. Abuse simply is abuse.
8:55 EXACTLY! That's even more sick than not being moral at all : ( The first part of the video is explained so truthfully and precise, bravo Richard, I wish I could give you an awkward 10 seconds hug, honestly, love you!
BPD,EUPD,NPD, CPTSD & Co-Dependency, in my opinion, are all very close to each other. I believe that empathy (lack of or too much) is at the core of all of these and is the "mould" that shapes the mind during early development. I would say that I have CPTSD but there is a lot of overlap with the conditions I mentioned. Being 5 years into my own recovery I accept that I may be wrong. So I guess that's a topic for discussion rather than a statement of fact.
Everything in moderation is true here, as you said for empathy. Too much or none, either way no good and agreed the secure attachment between infant and primary caregiver is where mental health begins. It is also where physical, emotional, cognitive, relational, and spiritual health begins. Check out Nadine Burke Harris’ Ted Talk on adverse childhood experiences. It’s an eye opener.
I know that you didn’t plan this astrologically, but with Jupiter entering back into sidereal Capricorn, conjunct Saturn, growth and boundaries. There all much grander implications here, but none of those matter if we don’t get this fear of abandonment in context. It’s just contributing to dystopia.
Trippy. I had a similar experience of internalizing his trauma. After I left, I was for a while in a terror state of “Where did my soul go?” “I can’t connect,” “Where did my connection to me go?” I would call detachment from self the equivalent of what I could imagine as hell, vs. connection to source/ self/ inner peace (heaven by comparison). Metaphorically, and energetically, I swear I absorbed his internal permanent state. Thank my healing path I healed back into my connection with self, again. I feel bad for people who live that way.
Your Masterpiece! I've been reading and viewing information about this for years. So many lightbulbs lit. So much identifcation in reviewing personal history. God bless, you!
Thank you for explaining the differences. My ex - I am still recovering from was diagnosed BPD two or three years into our relationship. I am still evaluating and coming to terms with things three years on. I have to admit that I have no desire for any relationship since, so nice to live without drama. I do find it impossible to separate BPD from a covert. I strongly relate to what is said about coverts and the crossovers are startling. Not that essentially it matters. Despite being empathic - I am the councilor personality type and think this has shielded me to some degree from Narcissists. I really do not get impressed by what people have or by money - I do not give a crap. I have no time for people who define their lives on materialistic things. So I guess this could be the difference....
Been thinking about this for awhile too! Some of your finest insights and observations and with the right amount of humor to make it not just a depressing monalogue. Thanks for being a voice of clarity in this time of uncertainty.
We need rules and boundaries, especially morals that religion gives us. Broad scale BPD should be a new term in the dsm: BS-BPD. I've been saying, for several years now, that BPD is epidemic.
Black panthers can be leopards or jaguars 👍🏻 🐆
Very good to hear you & thank you Richard! 🙏🇺🇸🌎✌
I love all cats, it's jaguars and leopards that can be seen as all black, but I love cheetahs, I love the word, just saying cheetah makes me happy, a favourite word 😹 cheetah !
@@Stevo_UA-cam They are both in the genus Panthera.
A leopard never changes it's spots? I disagree, I've seen pards in a tree, in a river, on a road .....😜🤡😎
@@simikatra3434 Hahaha....funny.
I have bpd, I done a lot of work on myself. One being ok with being alone. Setting better boundaries, self control, self love and growing up basically. I had to reparents myself. I find the more I educate myself , get older , and catch my behavior I get better.
Well done it's such hard work! Even being self aware is big. And you've been doing all the work! 👏🏻💞 How did you find the re parenting process? I've looked into it but haven't tried it.
Awesome Simone keep it up!
To re parent yourself you have to look into early childhood education and parenting and then do that for yourself. Find out what a mother supposed to give a child and a father then give that for little self. Including the discipline that’s what’s really important!!!
I’ve never been diagnosed as having bpd but. Some of the signs that people describe it as make me wonder....
I think if you have experienced childhood trauma or dysfunction at home. We all have some degree of bpd. Don’t worry or beat yourself up. Just observe yourself and your feelings and deal with the root cause. Meditation helps you because more aware of yourself. Which will help you see your triggers and patterns
Society is becoming more borderline. This is a remarkable insight. Its so on point.
But, seriously...
"All men's miseries derive from not being able to sit in a quiet room alone."
- Blaise Pascal
LOVE THIS 🎯 QUOTE ADDICT
Narcissists are so empty and void of anything human, they CANNOT stand to be alone.
Been doing mostly this since March!
@@berniebarclay2183 I hear that. At least we're not alone in being alone. I think the real key is finding ourselves in good company when we are in solitude.
@@nicholesprayberry186 Quotes rule (and hyperbole is the best! 😉😄).
Psychiatric nurse here. I have a caseload of borderline patients with many comorbidities. Agree with the perpetual void which demands rescue and parent-child interactions. I love my work though; impeccable boundaries helps although of course they often push against. I find your videos helpful 🙂
@Just Moi yep. And if people can’t accept that truth then at least accept the truth of sexual assault in teenagers. So many people aren’t abused once but many times over a lifetime.
@Just Moi yup i was abused and sexually assaulted during my childhood and teens and I have strong traits. Its scary to get old and realize whats happened to me... really weird feeling.
I think a lot of bpd folks are desperately looking for someone to show them the light in the darkness, be their ultimate role model/epitome of success and deep love, someone they can idolize and almost deify forever.. But the lack of boundaries scares relatively normal folks away, or makes them easy target for more narcissistic / exploitative relationships. I think the only way to really stop this habit or nip it in the bud is to learn good boundaries and constantly retrain your brain to remember everyone is human, screws up, has secret insecurities and shades of grey without necessarily being evil. It is hard at first but gets easier with practice. And over time you have to build yourself into someone you can look up to, so you don't have to rely on others to show you how to be perfect.
@Just Moi - IMO - think the similarities between BPD & C-PTSD get confusing... suspect children/teens who’ve been sexually abused would more likely be diagnosed with the latter. Healing thoughts to you. 🙏🏻
@Just Moi But not every person sexually abused in childhood will develop BPD
Once you get away from narcissists, you realize that the rest of the world is not all that different. I wonder if the overprotection of children, the lack of joy and play at a very young age, isolation in city apartments, creates these inferiority ridden, insecure, sadistic tendencies for psychopathy to bloom. It's a sad thought that the only way out for most of us, was the warped perception of our stressed parents.
Not only in cities but in suburbia where everything is very bland but separated. I'm not talking cool neighborhoods with a variety of houses but the disgusting newer suburban developments in the upper middle class south and midland America, where every house is a copy of each other except like 3 tweaks to provide a sense of variety, but the front yards are small and the back yards are medium/small and there's no community park for people to gather bc it's assumed that people only gather at the mall or church and nowhere else. Libraries are miles and miles away, and internet is mainly used for tv drama streaming and gaming. Idk. I guess I'm just describing hellish scenes of yuppie north texas.. 😂
@@Iquey That's very interesting description. I'll check for photos..
lol. love you.
Yeah lots of the most disordered that I know or have met come from the "burbs", small island areas, remote Americana areas...just disordered
I experienced a borderline. He was definitely terrified of me leaving. He cried just thinking about it and I was very reassuring. He started to show some narcissistic behavior and then he was just mean. It was a roller coaster and exhausting for sure. I thought I loved him but I couldn't live like that!
I never use these words casually…..I love you
Richard.
He his brilliant and totally
understands what happens when we have trauma from screwed-up, traumatized parents.
AKA…generational trauma.
Thank you Sir.
You are part of my healing journey .
I was abandoned many times over by almost all caregivers and other abuses - and truly believe I have healed. It takes WORK though. Not fun, not easy work. I however no longer seek romantic love.
do you find romantic love too stressful? i find it provokes too much fear, mostly of losing the love again. you cant fear losing what you dont have
Yes yes and same here. In response to both of your comments 😬
I think the fairytale kinda does itself in. So that said, I also gave up on romantic love. It’s just easier.
The fairy tales learned as a female child should stop being taught because they are lies. No one ever tells you what happens after the wedding. Especially if you happen to fall in love with a narc or BPD person who creates this love bombing, fake fantasy world only to turn into their ugly selves after they have you trapped in a marriage. I speak from experience. I remember how much I loved romance novels but one day I tossed a book aside and never read another one again. I am in a different place now in my life. Romance is not what I seek but rather a healthy relationship.
@@bethflynn4278 True love/ the person God made perfectly for you to mate with is definitely real and is available for everyone. To find them you havd to follow your true self/soul desire and start getting rid of your ego/false self. Sex before marriage means don’t have sex until you meet the person God made for you, marriage and weddings are two different things and that’s what alot of Christians don’t understand. Eve being made from Adam’s rib is to symbolize that there souls were once one, made in God’s image (genesis 1:27) It’s pretty much saying God is your soul and it’s made up of masculine and feminine energy. Lucifer turns into Satan which represents ego/negative energy/ fear/the devil/ the beast falls off the tree when they give into him and is allowed to run the earth and Adam and Eve are kicked out of the garden of eden which symbolizes the new earth/earth paradise and separate from each other/God. So to get back to God aka there true selves/soul and the Garden of Eden they must work together and destroy the negative energies inside of them and get satan back on the tree. Adam also represents the masculine/left brain/ positive charge. Eve represents the feminine/right brain/negative charge. The tree represents our spine and the cross since we have 33 vertebrates and Jesus ascended into heaven at 33 years old. The tree also represents Moses’s staff with the serpent on it. Lucifer on the tree/Jesus Christ on the cross also represent the kundalini/sexual energy that connects to our pineal gland/3rd eye. It’s all about ascension and balancing are left and right brains but still maintaining our natural energies as male and female that the evil elites have been trying to the destroy. You’ll experience alot of supernatural synchronicities with the person God made for you. I notice alot of people who say they’re experiencing this relationship don’t bring up the supernatural synchronicities and when they do it’s usually a big reach and far from supernatural. I feel that it’s up to the man to find God first, start no fap/semen retention, not sleep around, and just do his best to become righteous then God will put his Eve in his life and then they can start working together and clearing the negative energies before fully and permanently uniting. Once they do that then they can show people that God and love exist
As a student of psychohistory, I found this insight quite profound. We are so consumed with seeing the age as a narcissistic one, we fail to account for the fragility and reactivity we see generally, all the traits of BPD / CPTSD.
But what if we are looking at is two sides of the same coin? Global capitalism and global media have super-empowered narcissists /sociopaths / psychopaths, and it is the enormous damage these people are doing to the rest of us that has us all triggered and doubting reality, one that seemingly has betrayed us.
Pema Chodron, the Buddhist monk, describes when this feeling of groundlessness hit her -- the moment her husband (certainly displaying narcisistic traits) suddenly walks out on her. Depression, anger, disillusionment == leading her to Buddhism, for she was shown that we are living in delusion, that we must learn to feel the jagged edges of experience, to accept things as they are.
And so it is that the epidemic of BPD - like thinking -- the paranoia, the short fuse, the distrust -- - is what happens when the abusers have revealed their true nature and act with impunity. This is all playing out on a global scale now, and we must resist by accepting our dissociation as a natural response to a world gone mad.
Wonderfully thought out and written. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Thanks for saying that 🙏 such compassionate clarity in your imagery and reasoning.
This is so true with my girlfriend right now, after living with her for 2 years. Her true colours are coming to light. She is classic BPD without the self harm. Everyone must feel sorry for her, even though she has led a charmed life in comparison to some.
When I saw and read the saying pertaining to being the target of a narcissist, "Those on the outside looking in, can't understand it. Those on the inside looking out, can't explain it", all I could say outloud was YES!
BPD is cureable, but you gotta be willing to face the AMOUNT OF SHAME for who you once were to people...
It’s not curable but it is manageable by going into remission
"The desire to be dead" but not die.
That makes perfect sense now that it was put into words!
Thats why we numb out on drugs etc..
It made me think of a Prince song the name escapes me right now.
Imagine starting to really make some progress in your healing from cptsd only for the government to just fuck it all up..I'm back to square one, and I don't care anymore. I just don't have the energy or the will to fight for my life anymore. can't heal in a sick society.
Yes this is them daily
The song is Sign “O” The Times.
My husband is a narcissist. He knew that I had abandonment issues. He would use that to torment me. He would walk out in me so much like 5 to 6 times a week. I had three babies at the time. Like newborn through age 3. He used my abandonment issues to hurt me so much. That eventually I healed my abandonment trauma. I mean I went counseling and studied you and dr Vankins stuff. I definitely had issues and narcs like to exploit them. For me I just dedicated my life to self awareness and Counceling.
Wow... Kristan... so happy for you and thanks for the encouragement!
Narcissists also have a fear of abandonment/loosing narcissistic supply.
Expose them.
Richard Grannon talked for 2 hours nonstop, and everything was amazing. I'm so impressed.
Being the never ending professional victim is absolutely what burned the bridge finally for me. Manipulation is incredibly damaging and exhausting. I was so angry when my friend admitted to knowing she did this and I lost all the empathy I had for her pain. I feel it was cruel of me to walk away totally from this friendship but I have my life back. I just could not take it anymore.
It was not remotely cruel of you.
You are my refuge Richard..for many of us...thank you!
"Good fences make good neighbours"
Oh sweet Jesus - I think you just nailed my last relationship - she didn’t want my love, my adult support for everything, she wanted rescue and blew everything up when I couldn’t rescue her. There was NO rescue.
Same here. The ironic thing is that I DID rescue him yet nothing was enough for him. I rescued him financially, professionally, emotionally in every possible way while he destroyed me financially, emotionally and professionally.
And my ex narc was always saying how he rescued me, but there was nothing to rescue.me.from. it didn't make sense. My daughter has BPD and she is always.playing the damsel in distress.
Narcissists are crazy..
@@juliettailor1616 Same here. Not financially really but I would say I rescued him socially. I was the girlfriend that made him look better. And he expected me to save everything (our relationship etc) over and over again. He never changed and now he's my ex. I'm not his mother and never wanted to be. And he's not really three years old and that kind of behavior isn't really attractive in a grown-up man. They have the life-experience of a grown-ups anyway and that makes them super-nasty.
i think I can relate - I had relationship, where all had to be 110% good, or things exploded.
I think perhaps those who hate the idea that “personality disorders” are due to childhood trauma either do not want to admit their own faults as a parent or “see” their own parents as they truly were...perhaps both! A “disease of the minds of many”...let’s turn away from the mirror and not look at ourselves because it’s painful and I don’t want to! SPOILED ADULTS we can be!
Listen to what he said .The cause is part genetic and part EXTREEM TRAUMA as a young person. As a person with BPD/Bi-polar type 2 ( believe me i went kicking and screaming that i had these mental issues.)I've done a ton of dialectical theropy. It's an angry illness and unless people want help they will fight the process, like addicts, you can take them to water but you can't make them drink. They have to have a DSM version of what this is but i don't think it says we hate and are freaks....Also i have had 4 doctors give me this diagnosis from age 19 - 51, i cut myself, i used alcohol, got in trouble, lost my kids ( so glad i did'nt hurt them )Moved to be their mom and now my instability is driving them away...What he said about happy, sad, cry, fear all in 20 minutes..it's torcher. People don't listen, my entire family still won't listen. I'm angry but at my illness and at myself that i'm not stronger, infact those emotional flash backs will and are becoming the death of me. If people don't start to get involved and learn about these things before you jump. Let me tell ya i don't want sympathy, i want to feel content....The pro victim is sooooo wrong. We want love like everyone, our twist is people are so self absorbed that i've asked for exactly what i wish they would do. Answer a call, cell phones and tech stuff has made this so difficult cause people do not listen.....STOP CALLING IT MANIPULATION.....
@@bpdinmylifeapersonaldailyc6533 Have you tried DBT.
True to an extent but far from the whole story and far too simplistic in this twisted world we live in. Ive spent years looking at myself, working on myself. I can and do claim my faults but I also know that there were other complicated issues involved. Parents are not the only thing that cayse BPD. Sexual.abuse is not the only thing that causes BPD. Trauma is definitely a cycle but also , BPD is a kaleidoscope of issues and factors.
@@stompthedragon4010 Yes it really helped, i'm doing another 8 week round in the new year. To treat this i am in weekly thereopy and medication. Also constant contact to websites for hourly vents...its a real thing my doctor requested going because my energy is so intense i need a gate to let it out so i don't torture my family be cause they don't understand why i bounce all over..so thats what i so and i write alot but i'm still a slave to my head
and EXTREEM FEARS.
@@bpdinmylifeapersonaldailyc6533 thata wondeeful to hear. My daughter struggles with BPD . It breaks my heart to see h9w it egfects her and her life. Im hoping DBT will help her.
I will repeat until my dying day how your work saved me. How your educating me and how doing the work shifted me back to some semblance of me. There are days I see clearly how I have changed. How the word "no" can be said politely and any adverse reaction is NOT chaos I have to be part of. I truly never believed I'd ever get thru this to a kind of thriving. 2 years ago the shift came about. Enough to gain traction. A truly momentus day. Thank you. I still watch you from time to time. Your dedication to this is extraordinary 😀😀😀
I have been saying this for years. It is so true. I finally realize that I have been dating guys with BPD or Narcissism for 12 years. I see that pattern and am seeking counseling to change what I attract and accept.
I really appreciate your discourse.
Tis the season for some SELF ON THE SHELF!!! 😎😉☺
When do I graduate out of this?! 😭😭😭🤣😂
"I'm not superstitious, but I am a little sticious." -MGS
Sorry, I couldn't resist 🤣🤣🤣
I have BPD and dialectical behaviour therapy is really helping. But its a lot of work with a lot of accountability and commitment.
Blessings to you
Been through five years of that myself man, keep it up, it sounds like you're doing well. I am really glad to hear it is helping you, it is not an easy process and it takes real commitment to stick at it but it is most definitely worth it. I hope it continue to go well for you dude.
At least there is solution available to you. Embrace and love it. Better to have it than to go without.
Proud of You Thanks for sharing 😘💯🙏🏽💖💖💓👑💓👑👑💓💝💋💝💝👏🏼👑👑👑💋🌹💕🌹💕That's amazing News 💋💯💋💋you are giving hope to others right now ty ty Ty 💕🙏🏽💕🙏🏽💕🌹🌹🌹🌹👑🌹👑👑👑👑👑👑👑👑👑👑👑👑👑👑
@Just Moi this is me I think, but I’m not “all over the place” like a Classic BPD. The Covert BPD that Sam Vaknin explains seems exactly like how I was however.
This is how i felt for years and couldnt articulate the more i can understand and articulate the more i recover
@@starboy2013 who is JP please?
yes, he’s explaining a lot of my own behaviors and those of many. I want to really understand and be able to put language to it. I need to know the whys in order to re-teach myself and become a person I can like!
@@starboy2013 ahhhh thank you
@@starboy2013 not familiar with Molly either. I do really like JP tho!
@@Su_aSponte Prof Jordan Peterson likely
Guy is diagnosing millions of people in one video. You gotta respect the breadth of his horizonts!
Yup.
Here's a simple way to recognize when you'er in the presence of someone or a group, with this disorder. BPs function as the "Victim" who victimizes. I tell this to all my clients who've been abused by BPs. And it helps them to begin to understand what the hell they've been through. Codependency keeps people confused. And so, very challenging to say "NO" and push back on the abuse or walk away - As an individual and as a group, suffering from Codependency / Self Love Deficit Disorder. Love your video Sir! You're doing a great service.
OMG what a painful experience to never get out of the tumble. That being said, I was raised to be this and fought hard to raise myself our of it. My siblings, on the other hand, continue to do nothing to change their emotional selves. Exhausting is an understatement and I keep them at a great distance.
Same here.. only I haven’t quite as yet kept them at an emotional distance.🙏
Thank you for the validation and great perspective. Grateful 🙏
Abandonment terror is so much more accurate. I was diagnosed bpd almost 20 years ago.
It just hit me 🤦; I've labeled this feeling loneliness-- THIS 🎯
yes. 25 years for me and i’ve made a lot of progress but still..had a fight with my partner a couple weeks ago and he needed to clear his head. I felt that terror like i hadn’t for years. Weeping, hyperventilating. I heard myself beg “please don’t go” before he walked out the door.
i survived, he came back but damn. I wouldn’t want anyone to feel that way. I never want to feel that again. Logically, I knew it was going to be okay and likely better if he left but I truly felt I would die, lose everything, if he did.
So grateful for this content!
I'm sorry you have the "Im a complete asshole to people" disorder.
I really enjoy the way you explain things you've helped me grow mentally very much these last few months! Thank you for what you do 🙃
As a psych nurse I find that psychiatric diagnoses have little to no value outside of insurance reimbursement. In my field (in the US), the majority of psych patients have a schizophrenia diagnosis because it’s the easiest to group people into and insurance rarely denies anything for this diagnosis. Many of my patients could be diagnosed as NPD, BPD, ABC, ZYX, but they’re not because these labels have no medical value. Instead, we focus on bad behaviors and how to stop or limit bad behaviors, usually by setting boundaries.
That being said, Wolf Crier Syndrome and They Got Syndrome are my least favorites of the bad behaviors. Walked into work tonight and a patient had a meltdown for hours because I said hello to someone else first.
well psychiatry is all about the money, not helping people. Look at people being persecuted by s@tanists with d1rected en3rgy w3apons, they get called skitzo if they dare complain about it, and the so-called help gaslights them and further destroys them with theior fake fraudulent help
Very interesting. Thank you for pointing it.
My BPD brother married a Covert NPD and ended up taking his life in January after she told him their kids were not his and she was pregnant with yet another man’s child.
Great stuff, Richard. I enjoy how you have been relating your knowledge on these subjects to the population at large, and what's happening in the world. You really are so important to our world right now. Your brilliance and ability to share your own experience with these disorders is so needed, extremely helpful, and remarkably noble of you to share with us. So thank you, very much, for your hard work, dedication and gratitude towards us for our time and attention. I don't think its said enough, but I, for one, really appreciate you. ❤
Love this channel. You can tell Richard that you have done a lot of work on yourself and it shows! Thank You, for your advice!
This helped me a lot again. And it also triggered a lot of my own issues. This is the time of the lifting of the veils on a global and on a highly personal level. It really is the sign of the times. The universe asks of us to do very hard work right now. Nobody can escape it. So i wish everybody the strenght and endurance to deal with this. 💜🙏
Your descriptions of the head-space of BPD was very accurate (terror, drowning) and made my cry pretty hard. But it had elements of being the good cry in that it was nice to feel understood.
My story:
I always genuinely liked reading a lot more than other things and other people. So that set me apart from others kind of automatically.
(Helping with identity.)
Its primarily a introverted hobby, which is fine because I am introverted anyway.
I am more of the discouraged type meets the petulant. Where I would rather not form connections than like... Gain & lose them...
I also figured out early that the pain I was feeling was largely caused by, and exaggerated by - avoidal behaviours of those I was close to. So because of that, I was able to sort of tease out on my own ways to work on my own avoidal tendancies like in CBT/DBT such as the deep breathing & mindfulness, some other things I figured out myself.
Because I was smart and discovered things I disclosed would always shortly be used as weapons against me. I introverted VERY strongly & I basically came to confront this "terror" Grannon describes very directly and so sort of worked out the choice to live so to speak, to be functional and drive down the pain I felt... Like, if its me against "these people" my supposed providers. Its a binary choice...
Like I can be reliably functional enough to provide for myself. But not enough to meet my real goals because I don't have the motivation. I am carrying around a enormous wound, where I feel like what I can really give that is the deepest expression of myself isn't really wanted. So then why be at all if its something someone else can or will do? Its something I still struggle with occasionally even after a decade plus of deep therapeutic work. (Also a daily meditator. Mindfulness, but also Mantra meditation where you focalize on a single phrase.)
Anyway dunno if you are the discouraged/quiet type, but I hope the above was helpful to you or someone.
So there seems to be a small class of us who picked up SOME positive adaptive habits on our own. But ironically in some ways that itself is a trigger because you want someone to be authentically present with your pain not in the summertime...
This is probably why we get so triggered when it comes to dealing with coaches/therapists. (GENUINELY SORRY GRANNON!)
Its because we know that the client - coach/therapist relationship is fundamentally constructed. We will want to know "what you really think". In my case, as a kid I mostly just shut down or lied (since I was being detained) and I cried when I got home because I didn't want to be there.
When I tried to talk about the issues that was causing my suffering, with anyone for the longest time people didn't want to deal with it.
I didn't want to "go talk to a professional", I wanted someone I knew & cared for to try and hear my suffering without trying to shove it off on someone else.
I am talking about early on in my traumatizing, and saying that this aloneness is part of what contributes to the engrained behavior. Its almost a form of ostracism where the fragile self feels that it can't authentically exist in relationship with people (even if it can) but is still sort of holding onto that hope.
Hence the self-sabotage, hence asking for a "savior".
I can think of several people over the course of time besides my parents who, if they had just been properly present with me BEFORE I got really messed I don't think it would have gotten to BPD levels...
This is an amazing comment. Thank you for sharing 🍀
After a BPD girlfriend in 2019, and studying the psychology of narcissism since then... THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I'VE BEEN THINKING. The rage is just beneath the surface.
Yes hmm
So sorry You had a BPD girlfriend.
If you want hear actual footage look up on UA-cam "What Leftism Sounds & Feels Like"...enjoy...if you dare.
The in-depth information you provide and share is so easily accessible, helping countless people. This information was unheard of years ago.
You should feel good knowing the countless number of people you help. You are handsome and smart. May your life be filled with love and happiness.
Fortunately through studying narcissism I found out why I was codependent.More importantly I discovered I was an eternal victim.
I suffered torture and sexual abuse aged 8. This was by a non blood relative in his late 30's.
The Only time I was hugged after the age of 5 was when I was very Ill.
Mother had severe BPD with a father that was an enabler. It's my responsibility to heal,change and grow from realising how I coped with the abuse. I now get to know people. I am much quieter and try and regulate my emotions. I'm healing from an eating disorder. Dropped 100 pounds and have healthier friends that I dont have to take hostage.
Thanks Richard for being a part of my recovery.
seems you have to stay quiet about abuse if you want friends..... that aside, well done for trying to improve yourself
This is so fantastic. All of what you are saying resonates with me. I worked with homeless people for years. I have so much love for them but I felt my colleagues didn't see the patterns of personality and are naïve and endanger themselves and others. I am also being screened for BPD but think I just have traits, which I am working so hard to change. I strongly agree with your description of current culture, which is increasingly repulsive and frightening to me. You can't even challenge it without being attacked. I read something recently - 'character, not identity.' I'm going to try to live by these words, and move towards empathy and away from politics and identity. Certain current movements condemn abuse while employing the same tactics. This is very disturbing indeed. Judging things on a case by case basis does not make you more vulnerable to being radicalized by dark forces, as many people seem to suggest. Being a good, even just better person is the work of a lifetime. I'm rambling now. Thanks again, Richard.
Is it among the homeless you were working with that you were seeing "patterns of personality"? (Do u mean PDs??)
@@timefortee yes for sure, severe trauma and therefore PDs or whatever you want to label them
@@Gejskdhajskakdhx Trauma that lead to their becoming homeless?? Also, somebody mentioned BPD could lead some to become self-destructive to the point of becoming homeless. What have you observed???
@@timefortee I'd say that pretty much everyone I worked with had severe trauma. This would lead to addiction and other behavioural issues (aggression, executive disfunction, hoarding, inability to pay rent or maintain hygiene of housing) which lead directly to homelessness. Most were from poor backgrounds so they didn't have a safety net such as a family member with a spare room, or savings. They were retraumatized over and over again by being homeless and trapped in a small space with other traumatised individuals. It's dire here in the UK and I weep for the homeless because the housing crisis is so bad and people require so much more than that to recover anyway.
@@Gejskdhajskakdhx That's sad to hear. I wonder if self-destructiveness plays more of a role than we assume?
I love the way you described the tower in the tarot and what it means for the borderline. spot on as always. thank you Richard.
Watching a lot of videos on these topics on UA-cam I came to a similar conclusion about this "mental state" of the world a few months ago. It feels really validating to listen to you. Congratulations and thank you.
I AM TOTALLY WITH YOU AS YOU GO ON EXPLAINING BPD BECAUSE OF 15 YEARS OF LIVING THE NIGHTMARE .
Sorry for u.
Thanks Richie for distinguishing a desire to be dead from a desire to die. They are very different desires.
yeah, they really are different. I find myself wishing I could be dead without having to die all of the time. So much so sometimes I used to convince myself I was already dead.
i’ve never been suicidal but I have wished i didn’t exist so many times. I’m terrified to die and I’m pissed I have to. I hate it here, on earth, i don’t like it or anything I have to do to keep myself alive. It’s like a tiredness...at least, anger feels better than the pain and sadness of existing.
@@Su_aSponte I get that. Better to be angry than to let the sadness engulf you. Although actually, if you can bear the full force of the sadness, really get acquainted with it like, and get through it to the other side, it can be really rejuvenating. That's been my experience anyway. It's all pain, choose your flavour! ;)
@@Spudcore it may be time for a good cry again. Thanks
I really like this video, Mr. Grannon. You were able to properly articulate that it is hell to live with the disorder and not much easier for an outsider to deal with it.
I have been trying to understand my BPD diagnosis for years now. Your videos on the subject have been such an insight. Thank you
You are sounding good here. Glad to see it. Steering me to Pete Walker's book in early 2017 might have saved my life. It's been a heck of a journey since, as it does tend to be. Thank you for still being here.
You help so much with your time here. Thank you.
It seems presently that there are many people who are having issues with identity due to the circumstances in the world. For example the doctors who have identified as “Doctor” and suddenly do not have a way to heal. The same goes for teachers who are feeling that virtual learning might replace them, or pastors who have not been able to meet with their flock and so on. It may not be the same trauma as when someone is very small but if someone was thoroughly entrenched in their career as an identity and it was suddenly, seemingly taken from them could these personal traumas create a wave of some sort of low grade depression or will all of the displaced folk figure it out individually and simply move on in an evolution of healing?
Good insights.
I don't feel the "who am I?" question, even though I experienced gas lighting and boundary-breaking from parents. I think it's because I immersed myself in hobbies, which gave me self-esteem. If I felt confused about my identity, I could view myself as a musician or artist - which were things that I was actually good at and creating. It's helped me a lot, and I think skills and hobbies should be encouraged in children.
I have a similar situation. I always genuinely liked reading a lot more than other things and other people. So that set me apart from others kind of automatically.
Its primarily a introverted hobby, which is fine because I am introverted anyway.
I am more of the discouraged type meets the petulant. Where I would rather not form connections than like... Gain & lose them...
I also figured out early that the pain I was feeling was largely caused by, and exaggerated by - avoidal behaviours of those I was close to. So because of that, I was able to sort of tease out on my own ways to work on my own avoidal tendancies like in CBT/DBT such as the deep breathing & mindfulness, some other things I figured out myself.
Because I was smart and discovered things I disclosed would always shortly be used as weapons against me. I introverted VERY strongly & I basically came to confront this "terror" Grannon describes very directly and so sort of worked out the choice to live so to speak, to be functional and drive down the pain I felt... Like, if its me against "these people" my supposed providers. Its a binary choice...
Like I can be reliably functional enough to provide for myself. But not enough to meet my real goals because I don't have the motivation. I am carrying around a enormous wound, where I feel like what I can really give that is the deepest expression of myself isn't really wanted. So then why be at all if its something someone else can or will do? Its something I still struggle with occasionally even after a decade plus of deep therapeutic work.
Anyway dunno if you are the discouraged/quiet type, but I hope the above was helpful to you or someone.
So there seems to be a small class of us who picked up SOME positive adaptive habits on our own. But ironically in some ways that itself is a trigger because you want someone to be authentically present with your pain not in the summertime...
I agree.
👌👏👏👏🕊🍀
I’m not too sure where he got his diagnostic requirements for borderline personality disorder, A lot is left out, unclear, or vague. A very important example is the fact that symptom 9 also includes disassociation but he has not spoken about it at all.
The legitimate diagnostic process states there is no requirement for any specific symptom to suffer from to get a diagnosis. you just need five out of the nine. I fall in the same category. I have suffered from other symptoms of BPD but I never had a lack of identity. i’m glad that you have your own identity and hobbies and things like that. that’s one of the best strategies to help a borderline who does suffer from that symptom!
This explaines so well I used to feel... I experienced severe child abuse growing up and it is comforting to hear someone explain it so well - "whirldwiind shit storm" describe it perfectly! After 13 years of focusing on getting to the bottom of my despair I can say that now I can experience constant happiness... Do not experience severe mood swings anymore, I do sense a minor depression, yet not enough to bring me into despair. Thank you Richard.
1:07 First time I heard about borderline was from a friend who had spent time in psychiatric hospitals (as a patient): "Borderlines...those are the ones who always scream and rage...". Which gave me an inkling that there might be a name (!) for the screaming fits of my daughter-in-law, frightening moments that were never talked about. They just happened and then things continued as if nothing had ever happened. Never mind that everyone around her just FROZE and beyond that walked on eggshells. Studying borderline, inside out, for over 14 years now, the problem has become very clear - to me. Also thanks to your wonderful videos that I have watched for years.The whole family is in shambles. No therapists have been harmed in the process by the way, because she won't see one. Our son, after twenty years of this, is like a rag doll. A victim of his misplaced empathy. The children have serious behavioral problems, high anxiety, PTSD all over the place. Contact is being refused (by her) and she does not allow any contact between us and our son, or us and our grandchildren (for another full year now), as she is afraid that we might realize that something might not be "quite right" (ever since she screamed in front of us....). No end in sight... So much worse than narcissism. You are so right, Richard! Fascinating, to say the least.
Holidays a particularly difficult. What timing with this. Thanks Richard.
You have given me insight, even just so far in this video. To keep it simple, I've had an unhealthy relationship with abuse just in my internal world that I keep internal. Like wishing for abuse I never had or wishing my abuse had been worse. I've never understood it at all. That's a terrible thing to want and I should be counting my blessings. But deep down I did feel I needed to be saved and I wanted people to see that. I never really made the connection before this video, though I have been studying for 5 years. Thank you
Raised by wolves in Nuns clothing.
Same...
🙋🏼♀️
Yeah ...
Narcissists.
I have been thinking the exact same thing lately Richard - not as well fleshed out but that exact notion has come to me, the world being BPD. The more the world has started to resemble the inside of my head, the more concerned I have become. The collective splitting going on now is wild, to say the least and the different modes manifesting as political/cultural factions is something I feel is happening (they all live in very different realities built on different beilf systems (schemas)... I haven't watched the video yet, I had to comment first because I have genuinely been thinking the same thing lately. I was worried enough when I thought the world was merely narcissistic, it is in fact much worse, at least there would be some semblance of order if the world was purely narcissistic. P.s BPD is treatable. I can confirm.
I have experienced this terror myself out of the blue one day. Overwhelming terror, deathly to the primitive core of me. Thank you for your help and support.
Dynorphins
@@thomas-ud1fs ?
For the first time, I'm hearing my experience of fear of abandonment aptly described! What a relief, you understand!
I have a thing... no, it‘s not feet! 😂
Thanks for bringing laughter even into these depths.
It seems the sheer tempo of the world we live in also contributes more to emotional reactions and rash outbursts than to critical thinking and understanding motives etc.
Thank you so much!
Btw: Loved the crickets in the background!
It’s good right.. it lightens up the dark side.
Laughing means breathing 😅
Thank you for adding those validating words at the end. Very kind of you.
That’s just explained exactly my friends behaviour! Must be rescued, draws the rescuers in politely through stirring up pity, giving a X-ray amount of mixed up messages of what they want done, then rips them to pieces when they do what they told them but not what they wanted them to guess!
X-ray should say extreme
I hit my medical vape pen and you're cracking me up! Thanks for all you do big hugs
Richard is becoming one of the best popular communicators on the subject of personality disorders.
Thanks Richard for taking the time to make such an important video... you have a good heart, very caring person... much appreciate all you do, very helpful to me.
Weirdly I definitely became BPD during my marriage to a narcissist...it was as though his fluctuating idealising and devaluing mood swings of perverse passive aggression made me fluctuate even worse in response. As soon as I saw what he was and was able to disentangle myself from his hold on me, eventually calmly walking away and divorcing him, I went back to normal (even while we were still living together before the divorce) and have remained perfectly stable since! I believe it has something to do with me having a personality type that when unhealthy can lurch into BPD behaviour but that I don’t have BPD...curious what you think of this...
My unprofessional reflection is that you do not have bpd. It sounds more like cptsd with a strong "fight/fawn response".
If you bob up to normalcy when the abuse is removed it probably is not bpd.
Same story here had 3 unhealthy situationships with unhealthy individuals since 2012 but had 2 long term healthy ones 9 & 7 years and the difference was night and day. Away from toxicity I’m a balanced and high-achieving individual.
Thanks for the reflections guys...I was abused by my older brother throughout my childhood...not sexual, actually kinda narcissistic abuse or maybe just plain vindictive emotional torture...took me ages to realise any connection as my parents didn’t have any personality disorders but they did used to excuse my brother all the time, saying I provoked him (not at all true) until they started seeing bruises all over me...too late by then...I have to say how terribly sad I feel for anyone with BPD for real...I could walk away and get healthy but imagine being trapped in that torment no matter what you do...heartbreaking! would sibling abuse be enough to cause CPTSD? For me, just seeing there was some kind of problem, that my tolerance of my husband’s bullshit and belief that he loved me, was enough to trigger major deep self reflection and spiritual contemplation...in the end these things are just symptoms that we need to overcome our acquired childish responses to reach adulthood proper, no matter the ‘diagnosis’ often the solution remains the same.
@@susanlittlesthobo6422 It was your parents respponsibility to see you, and to see that you where bullied. Try and remember how your parents treated your brother. Bullying attitude does not come from nothing. Try and remember how your parents reacted when something happened to you.
As children we reframe things that are hurtful concerning our parents.
But the true memories are in there somewhere, ready to surface when you are ready to recieve them.
Grown up You will have to go back in time and stand up for you as a child when you was mistreaded.
Grown up you can go back and observe what did happen. One event at a time. This is best done with a councelor that you trust.
I send you a socially distanced cyberhug. Stay strong.
I agree!! I was with a man whom I consider to have NPD, for 3 years. While with him I became extremely emotionally labile, depressed, helpless and at times psychopathic. After leaving him 7 months ago, I have become so much more calm and balanced. My father was also very narcissistic. The more I stayed away from him, the better I became.
It's a disorder of contradictions... daily. It's the HARDEST disorder to be with someone who has it. It drives you mad and it's harder to treat than someone with Schizophrenia. It's the fear of vulnerability in everything that is done. It is exhausting. I am exhausted living alongside this.
You know he is a psychopath when he calls you 'baby' after knowing you for ten seconds.
A creepy Lyft driver called me "baby." I was already feeling really put off by him before he said it.
🙄 lol Roa ever heard of a hyperbolic language. Xxx
@@labaronnedecorbeauviolette5865 oh god . I can imagine. Taxi drivers are always a bit creepy.
Yes!!
Or when she calls you "Daddy"
This was brilliant, Richard - thank you. Food for thought.
Some people have asked me to clean on my channel. There’s a sub culture of people cleaning on UA-cam and people watch, like the mukbangs. It is pointless and a waste of time, UA-cam is porn. Politics is porn. Religion is porn. Anything to not have to deal with ourselves. This is a brilliant talk.
I find your comment negatively judgmental. Some people with anxiety are soothe by those cleaning videos. I find that they help me get motivated to clean my own home sometimes. They are harmless video at worse, helpful for various psychological reason at best.
Thank you for your time and insight
You're welcome.
In my experience with a parent that has bpd traits, they literally and wrongly blame their close family members when they are worried about them (like if someone they love gets sick, loses a job, has any problem), because it "hurts" them, so they lash out, rage, blame, shame, and abuse the family member for doing this to "them". Also, they feel safe with showing love & concern to babies & small children, but not to teens or adults, even their own children, and if you try to show love or concern to them, they freeze and get upset. Some people with bpd act like they prefer to live alone, to be alone, yet always want to be around someone, and are afraid to admit it, for fear of abandonment.
My parent went to a doctor once, and told him that her family caused all of her problems, their fault, not hers, and did not like what the doctor said, and never went back, and talks badly about psychiatrists, and how psychology is a bunch of bull. I could go on & on, but I understand why many therapists & doctors refuse to work with people with bpd (working in healthcare here in the U.S., I've had many tell me that they will not even attempt to treat people with BPD).
"I need rescuing" in an adult with bpd can look like "I do not need rescuing" too, because they hate that about themselves, and talk and act like they don't need people at all, which is very confusing, but their behavior really has to be looked at, their intent makes all the difference. They can be very independent as far as supporting themselves financially, etc, it's different for everyone, but they might try to buy your attention & time, or use blame & shame. I think my mother has bpd due to one of her parents not giving her unconditional love, and she watched her dad treat her mom terrible, without her mom sticking up for herself, and her father totally disowned his kids when they became teenagers, like, you're on your own now, no more protection, etc.
Oh, another thing, about my family member with bpd traits (because they don't think/I mean won't admit that they themselves have a mental disorder): they are extremely critical of people who've been dx'd with a mental illness, they are very biased and talk about them like they're dirt.
There are a lot of useless professionals in the Psychology field and that's being kind to some of them
I have a friend who fits this bill so well. She is not disparaging of mental health treatment, but would never pursue it herself. She views herself as intensely independent but positively corners /almost bullies me at moments to get me to spend time with her.
"So, if you remember that the guiding star is this abandonment terror and the sense of having a part of you pulled out and taken away that you’re then searching for for the rest of your life, the sense of perpetually drowning and panicking, the sense of the personality structure perpetually tumbling, the sense of trying to put a self upon the shelf and there’s no shelf there to be found, that means you can never hold in place who you are you can never have a sense of this is me this is the other this is how we relate then this is where you end up .“
What a surprise.
This comment is addressing Kevin Howe's question at 1:42:40 about vulnerable narcissism and BPD
Something I've learned from watching this channel is an important base distinction between a "narcissist" and a "borderline"
In 2002 I went through the Dutch mental health system - making the mistake of asserting my belief that my problem was PTSD, and I had an MPD diagnosis from 1990, when I was 18. I walked out of the intake with a BPD dagnosis and a prescription for zyprexa. My partner at the time was a fragile narcissist for whom I had gone to mental health - he was as "nuts" as me but refused to acknowledge it; he projected all of his crazy ont me, so I carried it in addition to my own. Anyway, read "Walking on Eggshells" and that gave him all the ammunition he needed to deny that he was abusive. It's twenty years later and I am just recovering from the impact of that relationship and the damage done by the mental health systems in two European countries and two US states.
By watching this channel and Vaknin's, I've been able to see HOW I am "a borderline" on the BPD/NPD spectrum of codependent relationships. In my opinion, this brilliant model reflects the majority of dysfunctional relationships I see around me - and I should clarify that pretty much all relationships I see nowadays are dysfunctional, though not abusive - they're just codependent.
Two decades of struggle to recover from developmental trauma while being regarded as a borderline turned me into a narcissist. But it didn't give me NPD. I don't have the thing it takes to have NPD as opposed to BPD. Richard and Sam taught me the distinction:
Narcissists have damaged egos. Narcissism, as a word, has a lot of synonyms - selfishness, self-involvement, self-centeredness - borderline has no synonyms. Borderlines have a fundamentally damaged sense of self. I believe the damage is in the persona. It's helpful for me to distinguish in terms of what terrifies them - someone with NPD is terrified that they will die if they are not special. Fragile disrdered narcissists are in touch with the fact that they aren't special, where garden-variety narcissists are blissfully unaware of that. (I believe covert narcissists are more dangerous because of this)
Borderlines - their terror is about disappearing - obliteration of a self that they have zero connection to, and therefore can never be reassured, and so they get into "rescue me" patterns.
In my mind, fragile narcissists are fragile because of the tape in their heads that is running all the time: No matter what you do, you will always be shit. This makes them seek out borderline partners that they can then project onto. It's a relationship that works very well when it works (like in the honeymoon period) - I had a second relationship with an FN that was super successful for 2.5 years and only fell apart when I started showing signs of emotional exhaustion from supporting two people's "stuff", where that partner's job was to handle our "practical" stuff. But as soon as it went bad, it was horrid.
You have made total sense . I see it from the perspective of a early childhood care giver. How I witness children getting ignore by their parents when they wake up in the morning and they don’t get acknowledgement or their needs met for a long period of time. So yes I believe this applies to abandonment issues early on in life.
Left at an orphanage style terror.
:-( sorry to hear that. Raised by a narcissistic mother, it was like Cinderella without any prince or fairy godmother. I hope both you and I and anyone looking to fix this can.
My child was rippedaway by an evil, screwed- up system for several years. I suggest we start pointing some fingers at the youth system for the damage it does.
That actually happened to my grandfather at 7 years old in 1921...
Hi, I’m Rob , you mind if I send you a DM , I will like to reason with you well
He has really worked hard to deliver such content!👏
His point on cause of fear of abandonment is something I find convincing.
There seems to be a relationship between their panic with the falling sensation, and the excitement or joy they derive from manipulating; causing confusion, distress, and being fake. Does this have to do with control issues? That is, they were abused as children and had no control over their situation, and so as adults they randomly manipulate to gain back some sense of lost control, as well as punish; even if they are punishing someone who had nothing to do with their childhood? Or, is manipulation a defense mechanism for adult panic; would the dismantling of this strategy assist in gaining better access to the sources of panic and the falling sensation?
Richard thank you for posting this. It's very refreshing as a father of two young children with a borderline mother to hear you speak on this. Keep working at it and I'm sure the complex and unusual pattern of making yellow will become clear to you.
I am a 23 year old female, and I can admit to having multiple tabs of bohemian Etsy jewelry open on my phone at all times. Although I do intend to eventually buy it!
Girl me too
Richard’s statement that a bad relationship must be ended is true, and it doesn’t need to be labeled BPD or NPD. But when one is in a long term (15yrs in my case) relationship, we not only seek to salvage the massive emotional and life investment, but we tend to seek ways to amend it, to change it, and to improve it. I did that until I not only got to know my ex wife was a failed narcissist, but until when I learned that she was spiraling down further into her narcissistic self.
Although she showed her dark side to me when we were together, I only started to really see it how dark, and to an extend even darker and unfiltered, after 1 1/2 years after our separation. I’m grey-rocked her and started to build distance since about 1 year ago, and hopefully my divorce will come at about 2 years of separation. At about now, we only talk about practical divorce and financial issues, quite amicably, and only now I see how evil she can be towards others (I’m sure myself when I’m not looking).
So, it is important for victims to understand what they’re dealing with, that even the most codependent lover will realize the toxicity of a NPD or BPD lover. Only then can they start the process to acknowledge, digest, mature and eventually act on breaking the emotional link, and the end of the relationship.
Who am I, but I agree with that statement, but advise not to generalize it.
What an interesting perspective! I found this to be really insightful.. It's made me wonder..
DBT is the most effective treatment for BPD we have to date - BUT a closer look into DBT one will find many parallels with Indigenous ways of healing that have existed for generations (mindfulness being one aspect). I wonder, if a way though this current world 'disorder' is rekindling the teaching and healing practices that many historically oppressed groups have been using for generations - the problem is that a lot of this knowledge has been lost due to colonialism.
just more personal observations/feels: We in the west oscillate between extreme independence (look how many people live alone and dont interact nowadays, how it's seen as cool to not be the first one to reach out smh) but paradoxically extreme dependence (phones, social media, consumer goods). We don't have the inner stability/acceptance/sense of worthiness which allows us to feel free to be our authentic selves. recipe for depression, anxiety, etc. we stop talking to people because of differences in ideology or not meeting our ideal expectations.. even tho they are family, even tho we have a lifetime of memories together, even tho they're human. thats not to say to put up with abuse.. but overall bpd splitting is literally cancel culture on the internet. why not compassion? why not a bit of temporary discomfort for longterm strength? It takes acceptance.. which is hard. self-acceptance. a knowing that you have a place here, even if you are lonely at the moment. Children don't have that on their own, they need safe people around who will guide them, accept/empathize with them, and protect them.. the alternative is a lot of shame & defensiveness to cover it up/repress it. i know parenting styles that are permissive can work for some kids, and not for others. but warmth in parenting is universally essential. it's interesting to think about.
Most people globally are living to meet their needs, many in poverty. they need each other in a way that is foreign to most North American lifestyles.. yet colonialism is continuing to disrupt families and communities.
human nature imo is inherently trustworthy, creative & interdependent and needs a sense of structure and purpose. it's a fact that north american kids use a lot more black and white/dichotomous/hierarchical thinking compared to eastern and racialized cultures. it's all in the social conditioning. the same social conditioning that tells people self care is how much money you invest in yourself. Lol. The yearning for intimacy, connection, belongingness, interdependence is often eclipsed by the fear of abandonment/rejection/pain/loss of status.. maybe if we just recognize what true joy is - celebrating what we share. we can have a heart to heart. learn how to do it respectfully. put our hearts together...and then rainbows and sparkles will ensue :)
I wake up everyday, roll a blunt, go out into the woods & sit by myself. Loneliness sucks but it's the most beautiful experience as well.
My ex must have some bpd and npd. Maybe even some schizoaffective disorder. I was so enmeshed and ignorant to psychology, at a time he almost made me believe the moon itself was an illusion.
I look back and almost don't believe it happened. He doesn't seem to remember himself. It can be very challenging helping these people when it seems they need others to believe they should suffer.
To understand him, I couldn't trust his words. I needed to look at his stories in his darkest periods. He once believed he was Aslan and the sacrificial lamb. I believe he knew to recover he had to let die the part his personality that became an alcoholic to cope. He couldn't face the truth.
What is most difficult for me to accept is that victims can also be guilty. It's most important to keep boundaries and respect oneself when wanting to help these people. Abuse simply is abuse.
Thank you so very much..I was dating a person,who fits this description,for 4yrs.
SO exhausting! Thought I lost my mind!
Thankful it came back!!
Fricking love your Sean Connery impersonation. Awesomeballs
8:55 EXACTLY! That's even more sick than not being moral at all : ( The first part of the video is explained so truthfully and precise, bravo Richard, I wish I could give you an awkward 10 seconds hug, honestly, love you!
BPD,EUPD,NPD, CPTSD & Co-Dependency, in my opinion, are all very close to each other. I believe that empathy (lack of or too much) is at the core of all of these and is the "mould" that shapes the mind during early development. I would say that I have CPTSD but there is a lot of overlap with the conditions I mentioned. Being 5 years into my own recovery I accept that I may be wrong. So I guess that's a topic for discussion rather than a statement of fact.
Everything in moderation is true here, as you said for empathy. Too much or none, either way no good and agreed the secure attachment between infant and primary caregiver is where mental health begins. It is also where physical, emotional, cognitive, relational, and spiritual health begins. Check out Nadine Burke Harris’ Ted Talk on adverse childhood experiences. It’s an eye opener.
You are hilarious, love the humour
I know that you didn’t plan this astrologically, but with Jupiter entering back into sidereal Capricorn, conjunct Saturn, growth and boundaries. There all much grander implications here, but none of those matter if we don’t get this fear of abandonment in context. It’s just contributing to dystopia.
Fear God only.
Trippy. I had a similar experience of internalizing his trauma. After I left, I was for a while in a terror state of “Where did my soul go?” “I can’t connect,” “Where did my connection to me go?” I would call detachment from self the equivalent of what I could imagine as hell, vs. connection to source/ self/ inner peace (heaven by comparison). Metaphorically, and energetically, I swear I absorbed his internal permanent state. Thank my healing path I healed back into my connection with self, again. I feel bad for people who live that way.
I agree that the world is epically mental to live in. But people are shocked at kind people in this world
Ikr?! As if kindness and generosity were "weird" or "suspicious" hahhah
Your Masterpiece! I've been reading and viewing information about this for years. So many lightbulbs lit. So much identifcation in reviewing personal history. God bless, you!
Thank you for explaining the differences. My ex - I am still recovering from was diagnosed BPD two or three years into our relationship. I am still evaluating and coming to terms with things three years on. I have to admit that I have no desire for any relationship since, so nice to live without drama. I do find it impossible to separate BPD from a covert. I strongly relate to what is said about coverts and the crossovers are startling. Not that essentially it matters. Despite being empathic - I am the councilor personality type and think this has shielded me to some degree from Narcissists. I really do not get impressed by what people have or by money - I do not give a crap. I have no time for people who define their lives on materialistic things. So I guess this could be the difference....
Been thinking about this for awhile too! Some of your finest insights and observations and with the right amount of humor to make it not just a depressing monalogue. Thanks for being a voice of clarity in this time of uncertainty.
I love the analogies for BPD. The statue, the tower perpetually collapsing etc
Your Sean Connery impersonation was fantastic! 🤣🤣
We need rules and boundaries, especially morals that religion gives us. Broad scale BPD should be a new term in the dsm: BS-BPD. I've been saying, for several years now, that BPD is epidemic.