Hey guys hope this was helpful! Leave me a comment with your thoughts? Be sure to check out my brand new masterclass on the 5 Proven Steps to Rebuilding Your Relationship/Marriage. (Warning: Spots are limited) Here is the link to the MASTERCLASS! -> urlgeni.us/MCEP163DS Download the FREE GUIDE! -> relationshipsmastered.com/healing-partner-emotions To see how all my clients have achieved massive success through dire & hopeless circumstances, click here! ua-cam.com/play/PLQ8tvyhQlPzsNm-vC_g_8SWGcJRngefgU.html
the person who loves to walk will always walk further than the person loves the destination. tether to the processes. enjoy finding moments you fell to your mind viruses and working on them . enjoy exploring your antithetic mind and expanding your band of operations. enjoy trying to deeply understand someone else till the point you can perfectly paraphrase what they are saying almost as if you went through the thing yourself. Enjoy it all , every last bit. We wont be around here forever nor will the people we love . Better to work on ourselves and give everyone our best version for the little time we are here
This is the part I struggle with understanding the process and surrendering to it. The process of understanding someone else when I'm curious about them when I don't know myself.
@@keithncube8973 Thats why we need to learn to ask the right questions that allow us to get to the core of what the other person is thinking and feeling. No one knoiws beforehand. Geoff does have a free pdf guide on this somewheere i suggest you check it out
@ The two are not mutually exclusive. The process to know yourself & others is the same. (e.g. SOC, etc...). As you know yourself, it allows you to know others better. As you know others better, it will allow you to know yourself better. Not sure what you mean by this "struggle".
@@GeoffreySetiawan ah I see. Well I've always struggled asking the right questions and fixating on the right things to say to people (people pleasing). I think this is why I've struggled to connect with my partner and others on a deeper level because of this. If they aren't mutually exclusive then this is also why I feel disconnected with myself
Thanks again Geoff! My favourite part of this is the reminder about becoming. My relationship with exercise and gym has improved because of these ideas. And it's what I go back to when I feel weak. Punish now. Reward later.
A great example of doing because you are versus doing to have is Madison Keys winning the Australian Open. She spent her whole career trying to win a major tournament until recently. She finally let go of the expectation to win a major, and all of a sudden, she won her first major!
Hey Geoff. So I feel my internal shifts becoming a lot better. I sit in the soc and understand I’m falling for one or more of the 14 mind viruses. My question is. Do you ever stop feeling sad? When I see something it triggers me but I automatically go to soc, I allow myself to feel but then find the virus and make a new suggestion. Because I will always want my wife so seeing her will bring up emotions
If you're in SoC and observing your sadness, then what is the sadness pointing to? What is the thing behind the thing? It sounds like one or more DoDs. If so, you may need more work on your AS's and daily practices. You probably also need to work more on your hero/leader identity shift. Keep doing the work and leveling up!
@ thanks. I’m not in the program I am just trying to learn and go off all the UA-cam videos. I’m not sure whether or not I am doing everything wrong or I am deep in resistance from confirmation bias and paradox of change because it’s been a whole year and she’s not coming closer, pulling away more slowly even. Will keep on working and trying to level up
@@Johnjohn-187 You originally asked about being sad and being triggered. Those are good questions that can lead you to blindspots. I'm not in the program either, but Geoffrey has talked about the importance of the big 14, working on your auto suggestions, and daily practice. Improving those will help with ego death. As for resistance, I see it as an opportunity to dive into antithetical thinking and using the frameworks to slowly work with your partner to find the thing behind the thing. As far as I know, Geoffrey has only shared one framework outside the program, so that would be the one to use, and he is up front about it taking ten or more layers and sometimes months to get to the root of things. Above all, keep working on identity shift to leader / hero and do because you are. Focus on process, not outcomes. It's hard mode without the frameworks, the structure of the program, and the community, but you're making progress!
I've recently started following you and I feel as though I've grown in self awareness but I keep backsliding into self sabotaging behaviour especially when things get emotionally heightened or I overthink and overanalyze everything I end up overreacting and doing something impulsive or acting out of desperation... One thing I can say it is tough to untether from the hope of reconciling even when you leave the door open for separation. Guilt, fear and shame shouldn't drive your actions and who you open up to.
Definitely need to learn to have the BPV. I didn't realise how right you were about our partners always watching and being hyper aware of everything we say or do. It'll take time but I'll eventually shift from survival mode to thriving (not being impulsive and reactionary). I fear though that the focus on my personal growth might make me (potentially more) self absorbed or selfish in my actions and thinking, if that is even possible 30:48 .
@@keithncube8973 How does the overflowing cup become selfish? This can only happen if you shift to the wrong processes, based on wrong principles, or go into hopeless indifference, or have other mind viruses. Think about it.
Ive started your course and it made me realize how much of a selfish prick (selfish independence trying to keep my cup full) Ive really been the last few years and how terrible ive treated my amazing partner. Im sick of doing to have and now Im doing to BE, which in this case is to just be a decent human being. Loving the processes more and more everyday.
My wife walked away after 25 years. I paid off my house the same month she walked out, but before she left, she ran up $150,000 debt on my line of credit and then I found out that she just got $100,000 inheritance from her mother so I wouldn’t be surprised if she doesn’t wanna come back once $100,000 runs out
often times when i'm doing something for my 1a i ask myself would I do this if i knew in my heart that it is impossible to get her back . The answer always is yes because I just really love this girl no matter the outcome or situation
I keep doing the work despite my partner showing no signs of going back in the decision to separate. I'm dedicating myself completely to the family and went from a person who never cooked to making everyone's meal for the past 15 days. I can see now how hard was my wife's day basically since we got married. Everyday I try to remember that I could have done better all this time and now It's time to evolve and be a better partner, father and man
@@GeoffreySetiawan I had a very deep conversation with my ex wife (still living together). I explained my process and revisited every moment that led us to separation, showing her my mistakes and how I can now understand them. She said she can notice my changes and might even believe it but she is so hurt that she needs to leave. She also said that the changes are important to our daughter and we could even be friends again someday. In other words: I have 0 chance to get back together. But I can't just stop. It's something I am really commited. But I also cannot lie: It was hard to hear "i can't and won't love you anynore"
If you do to have but for the long haul wouldn’t that still work? Because yes you are doing it to get her back but it is indefinite so it should work though right…
We call that "chimpanzeeing" in our program. Not a good idea - lots of ways it will backfire. e.g. What happens when you have bad days and the "hope" of the far out outcome wanes? e.g. All outcomes, no matter what, are always out of your control. Processes are always in your control. e.g. If you need to lower your expectations, then that will lead you to "settle" in life. Many other bad consequences. Do not do this.
@@GeoffreySetiawanthank you so much for the reply and all your great information. I appreciate people like you in my life because you give me the driving force to be my best self.
My ex is amazed at my changes but is more angry that I made them after she left and not while we were together made her more angry as she said its to late the feelings are gone still going ahead with the break up and wants to clear our finances and move on explain that 1
This is a normal resistance called Paradox of Change (POC). It's VERY common for your partner to "see" your changes but not feel or trust the changes. Ask yourself, if you had been disappointed/unhappy with her for a very long time, and she suddenly changed after you decided to walk away, wouldn't that piss you off? Wouldn't you ask, "Where the fuck was this when I needed it? Where was this all those nights I was hurting?" The reason you're struggling to understand her being angry and wanting to leave IS THE REASON why she's still angry and wanting to leave. That's your answer. Think deeply on this.
@CrapnellGates I have accepted all the blame and showed nothing but empathy towards her even through what she throws at me which I was OK with thinking it was part of the process but now we going through mediation to settle our finances there's no chsnce now
@@MattBlogna Your response indicates that you missed the whole point of this video. You're asking why is this happening instead of accepting that this is a normal part of the process. You need to be searching for your blind spots and asking how can I change more and what can I do to make those changes more intrinsic, and then how can I continue to level up?
@ Your mindset is wrong, and you're ignoring the insane list of success interviews on this channel..and that's fine. Just make sure to circle back here when your next relationship ends up in a similar or the very same bad place, and you're ready to learn a different approach/way of thinking.
Stephen - Did you manage to do worse than sleeping and developing a relationship with your step-daughter, and is now doing prison time because of that? Cause if you did, then yeah, your situation is up there on the crazy scale. :) BTW - We did a success interview with that client above (Linked below). Not only is he reconciled, but is evangelizing the program from inside his prison & asked the judge if he can at least bring his program notes. Crazy huh... ua-cam.com/video/9qG-KsmGegU/v-deo.htmlsi=qs9Pt3sG-O6953eK
@@GeoffreySetiawanhonestly it’s more of what she did to me. But no, no step kids were involved. It’s pretty bad though!!! 😂😂 I think your videos are amazing! If I had the money I’d sign up sooooo fast!!
@ hey just doing my part 😂 my relationship has blossomed from a dark place thanks to your work and still to this day I still enjoy watching all your videos! Thank you for what you do! Hope you get well soon 🫡
Ive started your course and it made me realize how much of a selfish prick (selfish independence trying to keep my cup full) Ive really been the last few years and how terrible ive treated my amazing partner. Im sick of doing to have and now Im doing to BE, which in this case is to just be a decent human being. Loving the processes more and more everyday.
Hey guys hope this was helpful! Leave me a comment with your thoughts? Be sure to check out my brand new masterclass on the 5 Proven Steps to Rebuilding Your Relationship/Marriage. (Warning: Spots are limited)
Here is the link to the MASTERCLASS! -> urlgeni.us/MCEP163DS
Download the FREE GUIDE! -> relationshipsmastered.com/healing-partner-emotions
To see how all my clients have achieved massive success through dire & hopeless circumstances, click here! ua-cam.com/play/PLQ8tvyhQlPzsNm-vC_g_8SWGcJRngefgU.html
It makes so much sense to "do to be" happy than "do to have" happiness.
Thank you Geoffrey for making this video despite being so sick.
the person who loves to walk will always walk further than the person loves the destination. tether to the processes. enjoy finding moments you fell to your mind viruses and working on them . enjoy exploring your antithetic mind and expanding your band of operations. enjoy trying to deeply understand someone else till the point you can perfectly paraphrase what they are saying almost as if you went through the thing yourself. Enjoy it all , every last bit. We wont be around here forever nor will the people we love . Better to work on ourselves and give everyone our best version for the little time we are here
This is the part I struggle with understanding the process and surrendering to it. The process of understanding someone else when I'm curious about them when I don't know myself.
@@keithncube8973 Thats why we need to learn to ask the right questions that allow us to get to the core of what the other person is thinking and feeling. No one knoiws beforehand. Geoff does have a free pdf guide on this somewheere i suggest you check it out
@ The two are not mutually exclusive. The process to know yourself & others is the same. (e.g. SOC, etc...).
As you know yourself, it allows you to know others better. As you know others better, it will allow you to know yourself better.
Not sure what you mean by this "struggle".
@@GeoffreySetiawan ah I see. Well I've always struggled asking the right questions and fixating on the right things to say to people (people pleasing). I think this is why I've struggled to connect with my partner and others on a deeper level because of this. If they aren't mutually exclusive then this is also why I feel disconnected with myself
@@keithncube8973 yup! All of our clients struggle with the same problem. It’s why the problem exists in the first place.
This is my favorite video you've ever made. I listen while I drive, and I've listened 10 times already!
Thanks for Geoffrey for making this video. Take care. A lot of us need your help.😅😊
Been following you for some time now.
Great job Geoff!
Some great advice I love your channel
Thanks again Geoff!
My favourite part of this is the reminder about becoming. My relationship with exercise and gym has improved because of these ideas. And it's what I go back to when I feel weak. Punish now. Reward later.
A great example of doing because you are versus doing to have is Madison Keys winning the Australian Open. She spent her whole career trying to win a major tournament until recently. She finally let go of the expectation to win a major, and all of a sudden, she won her first major!
Hey Geoff. So I feel my internal shifts becoming a lot better. I sit in the soc and understand I’m falling for one or more of the 14 mind viruses. My question is. Do you ever stop feeling sad? When I see something it triggers me but I automatically go to soc, I allow myself to feel but then find the virus and make a new suggestion. Because I will always want my wife so seeing her will bring up emotions
If you're in SoC and observing your sadness, then what is the sadness pointing to? What is the thing behind the thing? It sounds like one or more DoDs. If so, you may need more work on your AS's and daily practices. You probably also need to work more on your hero/leader identity shift. Keep doing the work and leveling up!
@ thanks. I’m not in the program I am just trying to learn and go off all the UA-cam videos. I’m not sure whether or not I am doing everything wrong or I am deep in resistance from confirmation bias and paradox of change because it’s been a whole year and she’s not coming closer, pulling away more slowly even. Will keep on working and trying to level up
@@Johnjohn-187 You originally asked about being sad and being triggered. Those are good questions that can lead you to blindspots. I'm not in the program either, but Geoffrey has talked about the importance of the big 14, working on your auto suggestions, and daily practice. Improving those will help with ego death.
As for resistance, I see it as an opportunity to dive into antithetical thinking and using the frameworks to slowly work with your partner to find the thing behind the thing. As far as I know, Geoffrey has only shared one framework outside the program, so that would be the one to use, and he is up front about it taking ten or more layers and sometimes months to get to the root of things.
Above all, keep working on identity shift to leader / hero and do because you are. Focus on process, not outcomes. It's hard mode without the frameworks, the structure of the program, and the community, but you're making progress!
I've recently started following you and I feel as though I've grown in self awareness but I keep backsliding into self sabotaging behaviour especially when things get emotionally heightened or I overthink and overanalyze everything I end up overreacting and doing something impulsive or acting out of desperation...
One thing I can say it is tough to untether from the hope of reconciling even when you leave the door open for separation. Guilt, fear and shame shouldn't drive your actions and who you open up to.
Like I said, the fact that untethering is "tough" is the exact reason why you need to do it.
Definitely need to learn to have the BPV. I didn't realise how right you were about our partners always watching and being hyper aware of everything we say or do.
It'll take time but I'll eventually shift from survival mode to thriving (not being impulsive and reactionary). I fear though that the focus on my personal growth might make me (potentially more) self absorbed or selfish in my actions and thinking, if that is even possible 30:48 .
@@keithncube8973 How does the overflowing cup become selfish?
This can only happen if you shift to the wrong processes, based on wrong principles, or go into hopeless indifference, or have other mind viruses. Think about it.
BE-DO-HAVE ❤ ...Thank you !
Ive started your course and it made me realize how much of a selfish prick (selfish independence trying to keep my cup full) Ive really been the last few years and how terrible ive treated my amazing partner. Im sick of doing to have and now Im doing to BE, which in this case is to just be a decent human being. Loving the processes more and more everyday.
My wife walked away after 25 years. I paid off my house the same month she walked out, but before she left, she ran up $150,000 debt on my line of credit and then I found out that she just got $100,000 inheritance from her mother so I wouldn’t be surprised if she doesn’t wanna come back once $100,000 runs out
She sounds fun.
@ she was for about 20 years about 25 then she developed MS and you could see her thinking just went right off the rails
often times when i'm doing something for my 1a i ask myself would I do this if i knew in my heart that it is impossible to get her back . The answer always is yes because I just really love this girl no matter the outcome or situation
I keep doing the work despite my partner showing no signs of going back in the decision to separate. I'm dedicating myself completely to the family and went from a person who never cooked to making everyone's meal for the past 15 days. I can see now how hard was my wife's day basically since we got married. Everyday I try to remember that I could have done better all this time and now It's time to evolve and be a better partner, father and man
Great! Just remember though - we want to double down on the RIGHT & HIGH-VALUE processes, not just any processes. :)
It's all about doing it for yourself it rarely gets the woman back they checkout long before they leave
@@GeoffreySetiawan I had a very deep conversation with my ex wife (still living together). I explained my process and revisited every moment that led us to separation, showing her my mistakes and how I can now understand them. She said she can notice my changes and might even believe it but she is so hurt that she needs to leave. She also said that the changes are important to our daughter and we could even be friends again someday. In other words: I have 0 chance to get back together. But I can't just stop. It's something I am really commited. But I also cannot lie: It was hard to hear "i can't and won't love you anynore"
If you do to have but for the long haul wouldn’t that still work? Because yes you are doing it to get her back but it is indefinite so it should work though right…
We call that "chimpanzeeing" in our program. Not a good idea - lots of ways it will backfire.
e.g. What happens when you have bad days and the "hope" of the far out outcome wanes?
e.g. All outcomes, no matter what, are always out of your control. Processes are always in your control.
e.g. If you need to lower your expectations, then that will lead you to "settle" in life.
Many other bad consequences.
Do not do this.
@@GeoffreySetiawanthank you so much for the reply and all your great information. I appreciate people like you in my life because you give me the driving force to be my best self.
I thought the same thing,,, but i guess it can backfire,,, buts its hard not to
My ex is amazed at my changes but is more angry that I made them after she left and not while we were together made her more angry as she said its to late the feelings are gone still going ahead with the break up and wants to clear our finances and move on explain that 1
This is a normal resistance called Paradox of Change (POC). It's VERY common for your partner to "see" your changes but not feel or trust the changes. Ask yourself, if you had been disappointed/unhappy with her for a very long time, and she suddenly changed after you decided to walk away, wouldn't that piss you off? Wouldn't you ask, "Where the fuck was this when I needed it? Where was this all those nights I was hurting?"
The reason you're struggling to understand her being angry and wanting to leave IS THE REASON why she's still angry and wanting to leave. That's your answer. Think deeply on this.
@CrapnellGates I have accepted all the blame and showed nothing but empathy towards her even through what she throws at me which I was OK with thinking it was part of the process but now we going through mediation to settle our finances there's no chsnce now
@@MattBlogna Your response indicates that you missed the whole point of this video. You're asking why is this happening instead of accepting that this is a normal part of the process. You need to be searching for your blind spots and asking how can I change more and what can I do to make those changes more intrinsic, and then how can I continue to level up?
@MinimalClutterbug doesn't get the woman back though that's the thing
@ Your mindset is wrong, and you're ignoring the insane list of success interviews on this channel..and that's fine. Just make sure to circle back here when your next relationship ends up in a similar or the very same bad place, and you're ready to learn a different approach/way of thinking.
Yess ❤❤❤
Wish I could afford a session with you. Because WOW am I in a MESS with my wife. Might be one of the craziest situations you have heard before...
I bet you it’s not
@@gtpro700 ha I wish I could agree!! My situation is CRAZZZZZY
Stephen - Did you manage to do worse than sleeping and developing a relationship with your step-daughter, and is now doing prison time because of that?
Cause if you did, then yeah, your situation is up there on the crazy scale. :)
BTW - We did a success interview with that client above (Linked below). Not only is he reconciled, but is evangelizing the program from inside his prison & asked the judge if he can at least bring his program notes. Crazy huh...
ua-cam.com/video/9qG-KsmGegU/v-deo.htmlsi=qs9Pt3sG-O6953eK
@@GeoffreySetiawanhonestly it’s more of what she did to me. But no, no step kids were involved. It’s pretty bad though!!! 😂😂 I think your videos are amazing! If I had the money I’d sign up sooooo fast!!
@@GeoffreySetiawan no situation is unique
Comment for the algorithm
This isn't what I meant 🤣Feel free to leave a comment if you have any insights, questions, comments, or concerns about what you learned above.
@ hey just doing my part 😂 my relationship has blossomed from a dark place thanks to your work and still to this day I still enjoy watching all your videos! Thank you for what you do! Hope you get well soon 🫡
@@hotwings80 Thank you fam. Honored to help.
Ive started your course and it made me realize how much of a selfish prick (selfish independence trying to keep my cup full) Ive really been the last few years and how terrible ive treated my amazing partner. Im sick of doing to have and now Im doing to BE, which in this case is to just be a decent human being. Loving the processes more and more everyday.
@@2pacorwhat Keep focused and keep rising! This is your time to grow!