I’m being hoovered and love bombed now. It’s not working and he is very confused. Which makes him angry. I left due to multiple affairs, lies and emotional abuse. That are all now my fault according to him. But he wants me back. Absolutely no way.
I hope you told him where he could go and stayed safe. The willingness to lie and deceive and hurt others to such a degree is such overkill in order to avoid "being viewed as weak or being hurt." It's still super selfish and prideful. It still equates to "better you than me" or "I'm not humble enough to be the one to sacrifice taking the hit so I'll screw you over just in case!" I was an abused child already and I'm struggling to understand this behavior because I can't relate to treating someone like what I just experienced.
They way it's explained, everything is a calculation, a manipulation, with an expectation attached, without regard to the other person. It's a never ending game 24/7 that will exhaust the other person. At the center of all of this is the narcissist's ego.
That's how most of these "narc" channels dismiss and demonize narcissists. Like they are all monsters that plot and know from the beginning that they are deceiving you and using you for supply, until they grow bored and toss you out. We are told that they don't see us as people, and it's true to an extent that they have a harder time w/ not objectifying people. What is our excuse for turning them into monsters and mere objects that just act on us in terrible ways, and forgetting their is a person there too. They may have maladaptive coping mechanisms, but not everything they said or did was false or plotted.
But do you ever think it's not flattery but the truth? Like if you're maybe not dressed up and someone is flattering and laughing then I would say it's definitely condescending. But if you dressed up and super cute and get compliments then it's obviously true. Just thinking about it more logically.
@@FitnessSweets exactly what I mean. But we all have seen the "mean girl" approach with the back handed compliments. Oh and just so everyone knows I just earned my very own mean girl committee all for me,lol!!!! They took it up a notch recently as I walked in on their gathering with the hottest/ coolest guy on campus accompanying me as my "bodyguard" lol. He walked up on the conversation and said hey how come I wasn't invited? Then they saw me, it was hilarious. Imagine a flock of grown narcissists acting like it's high school and then the record scratched when they had no idea I was in the room. All mouths agape as I walk past smiling and say ladies, proceed. 🎤 Drop moment. Hoover who? Not me darling,lol.
He could be doing it vindictively. The doofus I knew went out of his way to tell me that he dumped me for a new woman, so I told him to go away. Would he go away? No! He followed me and started crying fake narcissist tears. And "accidentally" ran into me at the library. The guy never went to libraries on his own, but he knew I did. And hoovered me for about a year, at first maliciously. He wanted to rub my nose in shit for several months, then the mood changed and he wanted to hear from me. He gave up, and I could breathe free at last. Sweet freedom! Here's what I have to say about these people---they live in a fantasy world. They only LOOK normal. That narcissist who came into your life never actually interacted with you. From the very moment the relationship began to the moment it ended, it was all inside the narc's head. You were just a prop in a madman's dream, kind of like a cardboard cutout figure. The narcissist has been trapped in his own dream since he/she was little. Maybe the dream was functional once, but now it's just a prison. He's frozen in time. Narcissists should star in their own film version of "Frozen," because that is exactly what is going on. If you're a woman who went with a male narcissist and felt like his mother at the end, there's a good reason for that. You WERE his mother. He had a ton of unfinished business and he protected it onto you. Nobody should ever be a prop in someone else's shadow play. Which is all it amounts to.
I’m heartbroken, my best friend of 6 years is NPD. I loved him like family and would have done anything for him, I did anything for him. He has no friends and people leave his life and now I have become one after one too many cruel outbursts from him as well as him suddenly renewing a relationship with his estranged brother and being pushed aside. I had to cool it and we haven’t spoken for 3 months. I’m devastated and miss him. Thank you for doing these videos, I’m learning so much, unfortunately too late 😢
Hey, I have NPD and I saw your comment on here and was wondering if you have any insight, if you're not comfortable with it I understand. I am in the process of discarding and hoovering right now, it's different because I'm self-aware but my brain still wants the same things and there's a lot of complexity to having relationships while being self-aware and collapsed, but in general I'm pushing people away and I struggle to understand how it feels from their perspective and I wanted to know how you perceive having a friend with NPD. One of the struggles is that I never do anything for anybody else, If I'm improving it's because I am scared of not improving, but I don't truly do things on other people's behalf and it disturbs me to no end, between that and being collapsed. I feel like pushing them away because having friendships has just become super painful, plus, I know logically that I am not healthy and that I need these friendships to power my life. Just curious what your thoughts were and if you had anything helpful.
I have very personal experience with someone who also meets clinical criteria for NPD and exhibited the common behaviors and traits. The course of the relationship consisted of intense periods of idealization, periods of what felt like devaluation and financial exploitation and then finally being discarded in favor of a new partner that provided fresh excitement. While the information online can help one understand and cope with the emotional abuse, "hoovering," and ultimate abandonment, I also think the term narcissist is overused in our society, much like the word trauma. And NPD people are cast as intentionally manipulative and exploitative and while that may be true at times and for some more malignant personalities, I also think it's important to understand that some of the behavior isn't necessarily intentionally malicious or manipulative, rather stemming for a place of deep hurt, or insecurity or even fear of being abandoned. I do believe the disorder unfairly cast as an incurable and fixed personality as I think with a lot of self awareness and paying vigilant attention to how a person's actions affect others, people can work to adjust and mitigate the more challenging and toxic aspects of the narcissistic personality that often sabotage relationships. I appreciate your self awareness. Congratulations to you on that. It helps me to think of my NPD ex as a deeply hurt person who did not gain the self awareness that might stabilize his life and relationships. That helps me not harbor unnecessary resentment and hope the best for him and a possibility that he could change (though thankfully I no longer feel like I have role to play to helping him as that was a bit of grandiosity on my part lol.)
This is a great way to conceptualize and make sense of NPD, and your past relationship. way healthier in my mind than most people imo. There's so many layers of issues with how people think of it, and it has just turned into "if you're an asshole then you have NPD" which obviously isn't the case. Great comment, and thank you!
I agree with you completely after three years post discard and divorced I really do pity him and his inability to cope with this stuff must be hard yet no longer trying to control or assist him with it is a relief. I wish him well no matter how horrible he treated me at the end. His loss unfortunately
I couldn't agree more save for one aspect, which is that it doesn't matter if the narcissistic person intends to cause serious harm, abuse etc. or not---impact needs to be looked at more than intent when it comes to the serious emotional, psychological, and even physical damage that a narcissist is capable of inflicting because of their disorder. I dealt with two narcissistic partners in a row, and because of their (differing, but still abusive) behaviours and actions, I lost a pregnancy, was severely covertly and overtly emotionally abused for months until I managed to escape. I have C-PTSD and chronic illness as a result of the abuse, betrayals, constant lying and gaslighting, and the discarding. I intellectually and empathically understand what you've said, but it doesn't change the very real harm that was done to me, or that was life was serious destabilized---and nearly derailed entirely---as a result.
@@a.r.8954 Initially, when you're in the earlier stage of coping w/ emotional damage and the brutal aftermath of a toxic relationship, it doesn't help much to know their intentions. Over the longer term when you're recovering, or maybe stuck w/ not being able to recover, but have some distance, I think understanding intent and knowing they have a disorder can be revolutionary in mitigating the hurt. Of course it feels much worse if you follow those darn channels that make them out to be predators who plotted your pain and deception from the beginning. it can also be harmful to us if we have too much empathy for their pain w/ the disorder, esp. if we're still in the relationship, or getting hoovered and have the option of going back. Then we can try and help them some more and near half won't seek help. Hope that perspective helps you a bit, esp. w/ another 2 months of time to heal since your comment.
You are totally wrong. If you see them as deeply hurt, and what they are doing isnt planned (even when they EXACTLY know where and how to show their true colors), then u have been fooled.
I believe my Ex, who hoovers all the time after 2 and 1/2 years does so because he misses me, but because of his low self esteem won't admit that. The problem I have is if I talk to him and he takes something the wrong way, he will disappear again. I never know WHEN we will talk again. That was the reason I walked....he can't even commit to building up a relationship. Why does he continue to hoover? If I'm mean, say terrible things would he stop? I don't want to be mean. I care about him, but the disorder gets in the way. I don't think he is aware that he has HIGH NPD traits, but he does know somethings not right.
Thinking he hoovers because " he misses you " is what's keeping you stuck, it's also applying healthy logic to a Cluster B mind ( I'm Cluster B) it makes no sense ...we don't think that way...I'm not trying to insult you im genuinely trying to help you...he hoovers you because he can, because you let him and will continue to do it everytime he runs low on quality supply. Every time you fail to perform your job ( boost his self esteem) he will discard and ghost you again and run to his other supply...wash/rinse/repeat. I used to do the same shit to my unaware supply who could swear we were meant to be and even called me their twinflame 🤮...now I dont... I take my meds...and they blocked my ass ...for good.❤
@Delphine thank you, I appreciate all you have to say on the subject. He hoovers, but I don't respond. He kept coming up with new phony accounts, all variations of his name. I block everyone. I don't kid myself that it could work. I understand so much more now. Messenger allows people to attempt to reach you. But we can delete his requests, which I do. We have many mutual friends so I limit my posts to Friends only. Never friends of friends. Again, your response is much appreciated.
Thank you for being open about this. It helps many people to stop demonizing the cluster B disorders. It's hard to wrap my head around the fact that people with NPD will hesitate to express emotional needs because in their minds it equates to weakness.. I think that's the key. Try being more and more vulnerable on purpose to "train" that dormant thicker skin.
Thanks so much for the comment! And I agree 100%. Learning how to trust and be vulnerable is the first, hardest, and biggest step in recovery from NPD. I've gotten better over the years but, I still feel embarrassed and ashamed every time.
@@Thenamelessnarcissist I heard a saying that if you want to know your purpose in life, think about the most scariest task and do that. You are on the right path.
I am having a lot of mixed emotions right now. After they discarded and hoovered me back, I followed popular advice and blocked them. I saw the evil side and also saw the really kind side of them. The abuse was real too and hurtful. They are human too. May be a little more understanding. I feel tempted to break contact not to get together but perhaps just to be kind to another human who is sick and who will never be able to change. Soo confusing and frustrating.
My ex called me a narcissist because I wouldn’t go to his place when he demanded me to that same day and on a work night. He blamed me for not spending time together when reality I was trying for months and he would avoid me. While he was discarding me, telling me we weren’t back together even though he pursed me all summer a year after our breakup, he began talking about sex- as if I’m a sex object. He would want to text all day and make no plans. I feel used as a pen pal and sex object. I tried talking to him to understand his pain and he got more abusive so I left and said I won’t ever respond via phone again. We work together and now he’s sulking. I’ve never been this angry at him. I just want him to care. And I’ve lost hope, I’ve let go but it’s painful.
Please take care of yourself. They want you wrapped around their fingers as if you were a toy a novelty. Either way whatever the intent, you don’t the hassle be with sons that’s straight with you.
I thank you a lot for this video and a little glimpse into your world. I am currently divorcing someone with BPD w/ Narcissistic traits as well. It is nice to know that the feelings were genuine . I can’t handle the violent outbursts anymore and the roller coaster ride. But this helped me to understand their point of view a lot more than other videos on NPD have done. Please keep making these videos. They are a great help.
Thanks for your openness. I see most NPD as a POV of an individual who is playing a chess game with the world with a deep lack of empathy for the other pieces. It’s all about them & everything they do has a purpose for THEM. Lack of EMOTIONAL empathy is the #1 trait. They have cognitive empathy. They understand others feelings, but they can’t walk in others shoes. This is why they can’t fully reciprocate in relationships. They can’t give from a pure place. It’s ALL for a purpose for them!
When I broke up with my ex, who has high narcissistic traits, he told me that all his relationships end the same, just different faces. That hit hard because I knew it was true.
You make sense to ME!!! I love your content. You're talking to us and not at us. It's RAD! "Take your f*kcing meds." LOLOLOL!!! I raw dog the darkness. 🐔🎉
LMAO see you get it!! Now I gotta figure out how to not talk at my friends... haha And I respect the fuck out of that. I did until I figured out that the "bad" emotion I felt was shame now I'm like "okay fuck that give me a damn mood stabilizer" LOL
actually the reason why you make amends is not to feel better at all its to give the person who you wronged the proper respect by trying to fix or do right by them and by putting yourself last in the situation because you did wrong. And like you said you would want to make amends to avoid the guilt or the feeling of what you did wrong, which makes her right that you were trying to make amends for yourself because you needed/wanted something for yourself. that is the difference. But thanks for the video nice to understand two sides of it.
Yep…apologies from narcs are not for you….its to cover their shame in the hopes that you’ll accept them again & that will remove their shame. It’s not about your feelings. Or the relationship from a loving place.
Creating fake emergencies probably happens more with familial relationships. My ex’s mom went to the emergency room (for literally nothing - said she had a lump of fat in her brain and nothing came of it, it just disappeared into thin air) when she went no contact and then had the ex’s younger sister Hoover by proxy to get her to break NC and go to the hospital. It’s a thing.
You're doing a great job of giving us all an insight into this condition-- It would seem you're a 'rare bird' though? Given the amount of content dedicated to vilifying you guys; most surprisingly from therapists?! Is this cathartic for you, because I notice you've had a few 'light-bulb moments' providing you with new insights into long-held core beliefs... very reveloratory? Sweet for us, (those who want to gain insight) on this side, witnessing it in real time, so stay real...stay unedited...
8:08 And that’s where the trauma bond starts. As the other part of the trauma bond I can say, I always felt, that this was the intention behind it. That’s why I always forgave these people in my life without them even apologizing for it. The problem is just - I took on a responsibility that wasn’t mine. I forgave without even having someone telling me seriously that they are sorry and that they messed up (fear of rejection if I wouldn’t) And every time I did that, I accepted that someone treated me horribly (which over a longer period of time made me feel worthless, because I let people walk all over me without even apologizing for it). The only way to get out of this damming spiral is through the shame. Ppl with NPD tendencies need to learn to take responsibility (not just so they said ‚sorry‘, but really mean it) and ppl with BPD or co-dependent tendencies need to learn how to set healthy boundaries (and defend them - and with boundaries I don’t mean ‚no contact‘ but telling honestly where the line has been crossed and what the consequences will be if this happens again - here the same as above - meaning what you say, not to manipulate). In both cases it needs years of healing and getting rid of maladaptive behaviors. 13:59 I think reaching out is ok, but being honest about the reason why would get ppl a lot farther. Just be honest - yes it’s scary, yes it involves shame and guilt, but there’s the door for change.
And people that across actukly suicidal don't tell anyone, they just plan and the one last bad comes and follow through. I've exlierenced this with a few friends.
Hey, hey! Just watched your HG vid, here's a few points: he's a a diagnosed psycopath (ASPD) in addition to NPD (as per his own admission). That's what makes him so calculating, delusional and grandiose. About JD, he says he is narcissistic, but not NPD: has some narcissistic traits, however not enough to be diagnosed with NPD (has quite a bit of empathy stopping him from inflicting pain on others for self-soothing purposes). Hope this helps! I'm really glad I found your channel, it's a breath of fresh air - to be honest, thanks to you, I can now look at narcissists as humans for the first time!
Thanks for telling me! Yeah I didn't do my research as well as I should've for that video, I was rather capricious and didn't expect it to get as much attention as it did. as for JD, tbh that tracks. I didn't think he had NPD, but I feel like to be an actor you gotta have some traits LOL Thanks for the kind words though! Have a good day!
@@Thenamelessnarcissist You're welcome, much deserved! I hope you won't take my words as just self-esteem juice, but actually use them to "water" your real self that's truly worthy! 😉😉
@@neveralone7212 Who’s JD? I think that of myself. Highly narcissistic, but not a good one, because I get no kick out of “negative supply” with the odd exception. Sometimes empathy arises when I don’t want it. I was ensnared by a narcissist, and was the one being manipulated in that “friendship”. I know the emptiness, and have taken on character traits since teenage years. Back then I even (too obviously) copied one person a couple of times. I have next to zero true self esteem that comes from within. I can derive some of it from work I do, or even hobby, or volunteering. It is as temporary as the activity though.
Is it possible to be disappointed with some bad behavior from someone but not not devalue them. I have never lost that sense of love and value for my ex. He says I'm a narcissist and I have been to several therapist and they say no, but I still think I may be. I can't let go of this ex even after year's. I can't date anyone else because I think of them all the time and it doesn't feel right to string someone else along. I have been able to reflect and stop being so arrogant and have learned to be a better listener. I don't know what I am but I I know I can't get over my ex and this isn't normal. I've tried to understand what happened and have obsessed over what I did to hurt them so badly. I don't want to punish my ex at all or hurt them in any way. I hope he has all he wants in life but I can't seem to get any answers about how to fix myself. I know when I was younger, I was volatile and crazy, but a lot of that was because I was in a cult and coming out was hard. Since, I have been pretty level and empathetic. I have no idea what to do. Any suggestions would be helpful. I have consistently corrected poor behavior. I don't really care if I am a narcissist or not, either way I just want to be a decent person and be able to show love to others. It hurts because I can't get over this person and I feel so bad that I hurt him so badly. I stopped trying to fix things between us because he said he wants no contact. But I still can't stop thinking of him everyday. To the point of being celibate for a long time. I'm not depressed, but it seems like I can't really hope for a relationship if I can't move along. Either way, I guess its good that I've had all this time for self reflection and to work on myself.
Initially you utterly grated on me, because of my past with a NPD, and your constant hair touching. But after listening to you, I realized that you’re really opening up and weirdly being honest, and you have helped me understand his POV. I still think he’s a POS, but through you I get the POS’s POV better.
@@Thenamelessnarcissist Honesty with yourself is a major step . Its amazing how Our Minds can blow things out of proportion, To Reality. Even ( normal people do this ) Talking about things Changes a preson perspective . (Things aren't as bad as they seem !)
This is helpful thank-you. My friend doesn't want help. I think he feels really bad about himself if he admitted something like that. Or believes things wouldn't get better. I am mean to him too. But I'm trying to. Starting trauma therapy soon.
He will text me once a month & if I respond he will just ghost me. I know he is with someone else. Why does he do this? Does he still want to make sure I'm in his l life?
I love your explanations and this makes total sense. I do have a question for you. I have an ex who we ended on bad terms and he reached out to me to try to set me up with this guy that he knows (that was not someone I would go for at all and I think he knew that). I told him no and reminded him that I was still upset with him about how things ended and he said that he wanted to set me up with this guy to try to do some good. That made no sense to me, but I think he reached out to try to set me up with the intent just to start communicating with me again. Is that something that someone with NPD would do?
My ex would reach out periodically while I'm in another relationship. The way he did this is that he needs help from someone, usually something like his car battery died, and he don't know if he can get to the auto parts store before they close and can't reach anyone--this was 30 ago. Or I need our divorce paperwork because my storage flooded. That sort of thing.
That is the reason the person I had my last relationship with hovered me. It was always about something he needed. This is why there is no being friends with an ex.
You might feel they are real feelings but all NPD intimate relationships will end the same..all of them..they end up hurting the other person because NPDs don’t have the foundations to have an intimate relationship. I’m sure the feelings do feel real but is that the NPD or real feelings. The only feelings an NPD has is for them self and any relationship is purely transactional and what can the other person do for me. How can they make me feel. NPDs aren’t able to love in any capacity. If they were they wouldn’t find such pathetic reasons to devalue, they wouldn’t idolise the partner, they wouldn’t move on in a matter of minutes or sometimes moved on while still in a relationship. No matter what they do they twist the narrative to buttress their false self. Aware narcissists might be aware but the narcissist (the false self) can never change.
Not true. I know plenty of people with NPD in fulfilling relationships. Besides what even is love? If we love in our own way what makes that less legitimate if we're doing right by our partner?
@@Thenamelessnarcissist Thats ok. Your entitled to your own opinion. The above was mine. My opinions are formed off studies, research and texts written by research psychologists that have dedicated their life to researching cluster B. I'm not disputing your beliefs but i personally don't believe them. The disorder itself skews reality. I believe a lot of what your saying is correct but there is also defensiveness element there as well.
@@gregwythes6055 There definitely was defensiveness, and I apologize for letting it show so bluntly. But my opinions also come from research. I spent almost my entire adult life trying to understand why I am the way I am. and That involved reading ALOT of research and clinical perspectives. Hell a bunch of my video quote studies supporting my experience. I get your perspective, And genuinely I Think that since you're someone thta comes from outside the perspective of the disorder, it's reasonable. But we genuinely love people. But out black and white thinking/lack of emotional permanence it makes it look like we don't. I get it if you don't believe that. But that's my experience
@@Thenamelessnarcissist sooooo you CAN GENUINELY put other people’s feelings FIRST then? Before your own? You can act in a completely selfless way at times…without any negative emotions in the back of your mind? ie like resentment, anger, contempt ect
@@joanndeck4315I get your point here and I do think the number of people with personality disorders that can truly make a relationship work is very slim, but to tell any group of people (especially a group of people who make up about 5% of the population) that they are incapable of having a relationship is pretty far-fetched. Probably the most pessimistic expert you can possibly find is Sam Vaknin, his work backs up your opinion, but he himself is in a marriage he's had for 27 years, you can find poetry. He's written online and interviews. He's done with her, they seem to have a relatively happy, healthy relationship in which they both mutually admire and respect the other person, it is not like a normal relationship but it's something that seems worthwhile. Your comments seem at least sort of degrading towards people with NPD and while everyone with the disorder will understand where you're coming from, it's unhelpful and mathematically almost certainly incorrect, A good relationship can mean a lot of things and there's a lot of people with NPD, there's probably somewhere around 400 million people (More than the population of the United States) with NPD, and probably near a billion with personality disorders, you're playing long odds with your statements
So when he's going around telling everyone that I cheated on him multiple times, no I did not, does he believe this to be true? It's really bothering me. He'd say that I was a compulsive liar but I've just realised that he's a pathological liar. Does that mean he believes his own lies? God I wish I saw things while I was with him and called him out. And he changed some behaviour but morphed into other tactics.
No, he doesn’t believe his own lies. He’s just doing a massive smear campaign on you to your friends and family to make you look like the abusive one. He’s protecting himself (his ego), so you won’t be believed if you try to share the real truth.
Hey Jacob, I really enjoyed this video. Question: Have you ever had an ex reach out to you hoping to reunite after you discarded them? If so, how did that go? You mentioned in a recent video all the challenges you face when trying to date-wanting your partner to be their own person, but not being able to stand them being their own person, etc. So, say you didn’t have a huge fight, but you just didn’t feel like this person was your soulmate at the time of the discard, would you be receptive to them if they reached out to you? Or would it just depend?
Since you didn't get an answer my bumping this might help it to get seen. From some things he's said, if the person discarded him when he wasn't ready for it, he'd be obsessed w/ getting them back. He quickly got bored again if he did get them back though.
I read many articles from psychologists about that topic, that Narcissists hoover, if they need attention, are between women or lonely and bored. Reading that broke my heart (again). Is it in your opinion true? is a hoover just an ego-boost for the Narcissist? (Texting me, bringing up memories, wanted to catch up while he has a new girlfriend. Didn't told me that of course). Is it the harsh reality?Its so sad to think about yourself as just an easy attention-ego-boost. So hurtful
It can be for an ego boost, sure. But overwhelmingly that's not the case. I never brought someone back into my life for an ego boost, that's too much work. Some of the psychologists who speak on the topic don't have much experience WITH narcissists, just the ones they hurt. I Recommend checking out some of the interviews I've done with experts in treating narcissists on my channel
I could see it not so much only being for an ego BOOST, but to PROTECT their ego. The narc in my life has tried hoovering me over and over and over again and it seems to be because his ego can't stand the idea of not "winning" He had a narcissistic collapse a few months ago and is not doing well now. He's obsessed with me, but I could be anyone (it has nothing to do with who I am and I'm convinced he can't really see me as a real person anyway). He's just obsessed with the fact that there's something he hasn't been able to "win" at.
Hey . Love the self awareness. I have an a partner with NPD and it is very difficult but I cant let go completly either as I fell co dependent now because of how I was isolated from my friends to please him. Anyways you always say " take your meds " at the end of the videos. What meds do narcissists take if any or is it just meds for depression or anxiety or is this just a saying you use for anyone watching that has mental health issues. I wonder this every time you say it. Lol
Do narcissists usually have multiple people that they are keeping on a string. I get the impression that the hoovering happens when the others stop speaking to them.
Yes, they keep “friends” with all their exes so they have someone to fall back on when the current relationship is out on pause either by them or their current supply. This is why they want to be friends with their exes.
I dunno. The way he lives in all things is just kind of oblivious to other people. I never saw someone sit at a rock show when everyone else was singing, cheering, screaming and dancing. It's been a few months since things went bad and even the way he himself lives is minimal effort to the point of personal discomfort. Like no investment or forethought in anyone or anything. Even his own quality of life. It seems an isolated, confused hermit existence where cues are misread and being rude and exploitative is the result. My needs only matter and nobody else exists on the earth. Everything is a transaction, and if he doesn't need nothing, cya hate to be ya. Thing is that works both ways and eventually the other guy wants to get something for his effort as well. It's sad really. Things are doomed to fail when they are so unbalanced.
What if I mirror the narcissist, love bombing them, discard them, hoovering then back and leave them. I did it a lot..and It seems like they got mad AF 😂🤣 Ps: I have narcissistic fleas IoI
You talked about making amends but didn't understand the difference between doing it to avoid shame or out of genuine guilt, I guess the difference lie in the difference between "regrets" and "remorses". But apologies etc should be for the person we wronged 1rst and our needs last. But I wonder what narc think when the other person had enough and refuse the contact or narc's "apologizes" ?. Or like... what narc think when they wanna "apologize" and explain themselves, but without wanting to get back together, but that their victim tell them to f*ck off too ? My guess is that it's also hoovering and a tactic to absolve themselves and they don't care if the other person call them out and refuse their fake apologies etc, but maybe I'm wrong.
My ex with npd mentioned unaliving himself when we were going thru issues but I felt like he was manipulating. But me with bpd have only mentioned that with my best friend bc I was scared. Usually I don’t mention it out of fear & shame.
I'm so sorry but 6:55 "...well...I really don't know how to handle that Barb..." got me laughing so hard. The way you delivered that line was so funny. Dammit, get your shi* together Barb. Honestly though. It's the solid way to handle that situation. 🙏 ❤
You’re the craziest narcissist on UA-cam and I love your teaching. Can you work on your volume turn it up or get closer to it please. My volume is maxed out. You speak softer than you think.
Im no narcissist, but still i recognize ALL the points in myself. But i guess the treshold for stepping over to destructive relationshipstrategies are lower for a clusterB, foe example because of bigger perceived vulnerability. Its ok to be vulnerable btw... perhaps thats exactly what you do by putting your thoughts out there to help others. Thats courage !
This may be a stupid question but how would someone respond to this if you are in a relationship with someone doing this if nothing seems to be enough. Even if someone is vulnerable with their narc and you were both “on the same page” would that help? BTW you are doing a great job I have been trying to find people who actually have npd explain it because the information out there is very one sided and does not help either side
Thanks so much! I agree, even if people want to learn about the disorder and that's important to their healing just hearing dehumanizing stories helps nobody. And I'm not sure I quite understand, do you mean like they don't trust your love for them? Sorry if I'm mistaken lol
@@Thenamelessnarcissist yes like they do not believe you actually care even though you have shown them and have not reacted to the “bad” behaviors with my own actions
@@kandrabrooks9031 This, is a really really good question. Are they in treatment? Cause it's hard. Every time someone says they love me it feels like a lie. Or like I tricked them, and thus feel shame. Over the years I've learned to try and accept it but, as my ex said "I gave you all the love I could but you never trusted it". Because deep down I knew I was angry, neurotic, broken and hollow. And needed constant reassurance. And I felt like if they knew all of that, well, it's obvious how people like me think that goes haha. I wish there was a simple answer that could make someone trust. But there isn't. And despite my awareness I struggle with it frequently. I can't even look someone in the eyes when they say they love me. I'm expecting a knife in the back whenever they get the chance. I'm sorry you're in that position and I wish I could offer something more helpful, but shit like that takes a lot of work and time. I hope you can work through it with your partner, but I can't give much in this case if I'm being honest. I'm still trying to work through it myself. I'm sorry. I hope you have a good day
@@Thenamelessnarcissist Thank you very much you have helped me a lot because he has tried to explain things the same way you have I will try to continue to be patient 🙏🏾😊
No it won't help! Your basically fucked! You need to get out of the toxic relationship and live again! Self reflect because there are life lessons for those of us who experience Narc abuse.
I orchestrated every breakup but one, and it was stupid because it would last forever for them to realise that it's over. Now I do feel sorry about it, because it was so unnecessary, but back then I wasn't able to "be a men" and just break up. Twice I reached out for an ex and wow I fucked them up realy bad
I felt this comment in my bones LOL Before I was able to recognize shame I was always so confused why I couldn't handle just breaking off relationships myself.
Question, was this hoovering? When I'm not on antidepressiva I preach to friends how bad and evil this world is until they would nearly collapse to make me feel good, but I hated the preaching part so much that I tried several psychopharmaka until it stopped.
Curious to get ur take on my situation. Watching ur vids makes me think I’m dealing w a psychopath not npd… don’t really care at this point. But just too many conflicting reports online
So, I'm not confident saying if someone has any particular mental illness, I don't feel qualified. I'd be willing to hear about it though and say if I'd do the same things and if I did why I'd do them. Thanks for the comment though!
I’m being hoovered and love bombed now. It’s not working and he is very confused. Which makes him angry. I left due to multiple affairs, lies and emotional abuse. That are all now my fault according to him. But he wants me back. Absolutely no way.
I hope you told him where he could go and stayed safe. The willingness to lie and deceive and hurt others to such a degree is such overkill in order to avoid "being viewed as weak or being hurt." It's still super selfish and prideful. It still equates to "better you than me" or "I'm not humble enough to be the one to sacrifice taking the hit so I'll screw you over just in case!" I was an abused child already and I'm struggling to understand this behavior because I can't relate to treating someone like what I just experienced.
Stay strong!!!
They way it's explained, everything is a calculation, a manipulation, with an expectation attached, without regard to the other person. It's a never ending game 24/7 that will exhaust the other person. At the center of all of this is the narcissist's ego.
That's just stigma
That's how most of these "narc" channels dismiss and demonize narcissists. Like they are all monsters that plot and know from the beginning that they are deceiving you and using you for supply, until they grow bored and toss you out. We are told that they don't see us as people, and it's true to an extent that they have a harder time w/ not objectifying people. What is our excuse for turning them into monsters and mere objects that just act on us in terrible ways, and forgetting their is a person there too. They may have maladaptive coping mechanisms, but not everything they said or did was false or plotted.
If someone used a bunch of flattery on me i'd immediately assume manipulation. It never occurred to me it could be genuine.
LMAO same
But do you ever think it's not flattery but the truth? Like if you're maybe not dressed up and someone is flattering and laughing then I would say it's definitely condescending. But if you dressed up and super cute and get compliments then it's obviously true. Just thinking about it more logically.
@@missvon889Idk I compliment people when they’re natural or not, dressed up or not. 😅😅
@@FitnessSweets exactly what I mean. But we all have seen the "mean girl" approach with the back handed compliments. Oh and just so everyone knows I just earned my very own mean girl committee all for me,lol!!!! They took it up a notch recently as I walked in on their gathering with the hottest/ coolest guy on campus accompanying me as my "bodyguard" lol. He walked up on the conversation and said hey how come I wasn't invited? Then they saw me, it was hilarious. Imagine a flock of grown narcissists acting like it's high school and then the record scratched when they had no idea I was in the room. All mouths agape as I walk past smiling and say ladies, proceed. 🎤 Drop moment. Hoover who? Not me darling,lol.
They mirror you.
He could be doing it vindictively. The doofus I knew went out of his way to tell me that he dumped me for a new woman, so I told him to go away. Would he go away? No! He followed me and started crying fake narcissist tears. And "accidentally" ran into me at the library. The guy never went to libraries on his own, but he knew I did. And hoovered me for about a year, at first maliciously. He wanted to rub my nose in shit for several months, then the mood changed and he wanted to hear from me. He gave up, and I could breathe free at last. Sweet freedom!
Here's what I have to say about these people---they live in a fantasy world. They only LOOK normal. That narcissist who came into your life never actually interacted with you. From the very moment the relationship began to the moment it ended, it was all inside the narc's head. You were just a prop in a madman's dream, kind of like a cardboard cutout figure.
The narcissist has been trapped in his own dream since he/she was little. Maybe the dream was functional once, but now it's just a prison. He's frozen in time. Narcissists should star in their own film version of "Frozen," because that is exactly what is going on.
If you're a woman who went with a male narcissist and felt like his mother at the end, there's a good reason for that. You WERE his mother. He had a ton of unfinished business and he protected it onto you.
Nobody should ever be a prop in someone else's shadow play. Which is all it amounts to.
👏👏👏Amen
I’m heartbroken, my best friend of 6 years is NPD. I loved him like family and would have done anything for him, I did anything for him. He has no friends and people leave his life and now I have become one after one too many cruel outbursts from him as well as him suddenly renewing a relationship with his estranged brother and being pushed aside. I had to cool it and we haven’t spoken for 3 months. I’m devastated and miss him.
Thank you for doing these videos, I’m learning so much, unfortunately too late 😢
Hey, I have NPD and I saw your comment on here and was wondering if you have any insight, if you're not comfortable with it I understand.
I am in the process of discarding and hoovering right now, it's different because I'm self-aware but my brain still wants the same things and there's a lot of complexity to having relationships while being self-aware and collapsed, but in general I'm pushing people away and I struggle to understand how it feels from their perspective and I wanted to know how you perceive having a friend with NPD. One of the struggles is that I never do anything for anybody else, If I'm improving it's because I am scared of not improving, but I don't truly do things on other people's behalf and it disturbs me to no end, between that and being collapsed. I feel like pushing them away because having friendships has just become super painful, plus, I know logically that I am not healthy and that I need these friendships to power my life. Just curious what your thoughts were and if you had anything helpful.
I have very personal experience with someone who also meets clinical criteria for NPD and exhibited the common behaviors and traits. The course of the relationship consisted of intense periods of idealization, periods of what felt like devaluation and financial exploitation and then finally being discarded in favor of a new partner that provided fresh excitement. While the information online can help one understand and cope with the emotional abuse, "hoovering," and ultimate abandonment, I also think the term narcissist is overused in our society, much like the word trauma. And NPD people are cast as intentionally manipulative and exploitative and while that may be true at times and for some more malignant personalities, I also think it's important to understand that some of the behavior isn't necessarily intentionally malicious or manipulative, rather stemming for a place of deep hurt, or insecurity or even fear of being abandoned.
I do believe the disorder unfairly cast as an incurable and fixed personality as I think with a lot of self awareness and paying vigilant attention to how a person's actions affect others, people can work to adjust and mitigate the more challenging and toxic aspects of the narcissistic personality that often sabotage relationships. I appreciate your self awareness. Congratulations to you on that.
It helps me to think of my NPD ex as a deeply hurt person who did not gain the self awareness that might stabilize his life and relationships. That helps me not harbor unnecessary resentment and hope the best for him and a possibility that he could change (though thankfully I no longer feel like I have role to play to helping him as that was a bit of grandiosity on my part lol.)
This is a great way to conceptualize and make sense of NPD, and your past relationship. way healthier in my mind than most people imo. There's so many layers of issues with how people think of it, and it has just turned into "if you're an asshole then you have NPD" which obviously isn't the case. Great comment, and thank you!
I agree with you completely after three years post discard and divorced I really do pity him and his inability to cope with this stuff must be hard yet no longer trying to control or assist him with it is a relief. I wish him well no matter how horrible he treated me at the end. His loss unfortunately
I couldn't agree more save for one aspect, which is that it doesn't matter if the narcissistic person intends to cause serious harm, abuse etc. or not---impact needs to be looked at more than intent when it comes to the serious emotional, psychological, and even physical damage that a narcissist is capable of inflicting because of their disorder. I dealt with two narcissistic partners in a row, and because of their (differing, but still abusive) behaviours and actions, I lost a pregnancy, was severely covertly and overtly emotionally abused for months until I managed to escape. I have C-PTSD and chronic illness as a result of the abuse, betrayals, constant lying and gaslighting, and the discarding. I intellectually and empathically understand what you've said, but it doesn't change the very real harm that was done to me, or that was life was serious destabilized---and nearly derailed entirely---as a result.
@@a.r.8954 Initially, when you're in the earlier stage of coping w/ emotional damage and the brutal aftermath of a toxic relationship, it doesn't help much to know their intentions. Over the longer term when you're recovering, or maybe stuck w/ not being able to recover, but have some distance, I think understanding intent and knowing they have a disorder can be revolutionary in mitigating the hurt. Of course it feels much worse if you follow those darn channels that make them out to be predators who plotted your pain and deception from the beginning. it can also be harmful to us if we have too much empathy for their pain w/ the disorder, esp. if we're still in the relationship, or getting hoovered and have the option of going back. Then we can try and help them some more and near half won't seek help. Hope that perspective helps you a bit, esp. w/ another 2 months of time to heal since your comment.
You are totally wrong. If you see them as deeply hurt, and what they are doing isnt planned (even when they EXACTLY know where and how to show their true colors), then u have been fooled.
I believe my Ex, who hoovers all the time after 2 and 1/2 years does so because he misses me, but because of his low self esteem won't admit that. The problem I have is if I talk to him and he takes something the wrong way, he will disappear again. I never know WHEN we will talk again. That was the reason I walked....he can't even commit to building up a relationship. Why does he continue to hoover? If I'm mean, say terrible things would he stop? I don't want to be mean. I care about him, but the disorder gets in the way. I don't think he is aware that he has HIGH NPD traits, but he does know somethings not right.
Thinking he hoovers because " he misses you " is what's keeping you stuck, it's also applying healthy logic to a Cluster B mind ( I'm Cluster B) it makes no sense ...we don't think that way...I'm not trying to insult you im genuinely trying to help you...he hoovers you because he can, because you let him and will continue to do it everytime he runs low on quality supply. Every time you fail to perform your job ( boost his self esteem) he will discard and ghost you again and run to his other supply...wash/rinse/repeat. I used to do the same shit to my unaware supply who could swear we were meant to be and even called me their twinflame 🤮...now I dont... I take my meds...and they blocked my ass ...for good.❤
@Delphine thank you, I appreciate all you have to say on the subject. He hoovers, but I don't respond. He kept coming up with new phony accounts, all variations of his name. I block everyone. I don't kid myself that it could work. I understand so much more now. Messenger allows people to attempt to reach you. But we can delete his requests, which I do. We have many mutual friends so I limit my posts to Friends only. Never friends of friends. Again, your response is much appreciated.
Thank you for being open about this. It helps many people to stop demonizing the cluster B disorders. It's hard to wrap my head around the fact that people with NPD will hesitate to express emotional needs because in their minds it equates to weakness.. I think that's the key. Try being more and more vulnerable on purpose to "train" that dormant thicker skin.
Thanks so much for the comment! And I agree 100%. Learning how to trust and be vulnerable is the first, hardest, and biggest step in recovery from NPD. I've gotten better over the years but, I still feel embarrassed and ashamed every time.
@@Thenamelessnarcissist I heard a saying that if you want to know your purpose in life, think about the most scariest task and do that. You are on the right path.
girl advice. no thanks.
I am having a lot of mixed emotions right now. After they discarded and hoovered me back, I followed popular advice and blocked them. I saw the evil side and also saw the really kind side of them. The abuse was real too and hurtful. They are human too. May be a little more understanding. I feel tempted to break contact not to get together but perhaps just to be kind to another human who is sick and who will never be able to change. Soo confusing and frustrating.
Please don't break no contact. It's a kind act to yourself. The after guilt is normal. Heal and you won't feel like you need to comfort them.
My ex called me a narcissist because I wouldn’t go to his place when he demanded me to that same day and on a work night. He blamed me for not spending time together when reality I was trying for months and he would avoid me. While he was discarding me, telling me we weren’t back together even though he pursed me all summer a year after our breakup, he began talking about sex- as if I’m a sex object. He would want to text all day and make no plans. I feel used as a pen pal and sex object. I tried talking to him to understand his pain and he got more abusive so I left and said I won’t ever respond via phone again. We work together and now he’s sulking. I’ve never been this angry at him. I just want him to care. And I’ve lost hope, I’ve let go but it’s painful.
Please take care of yourself. They want you wrapped around their fingers as if you were a toy a novelty. Either way whatever the intent, you don’t the hassle be with sons that’s straight with you.
I thank you a lot for this video and a little glimpse into your world. I am currently divorcing someone with BPD w/ Narcissistic traits as well. It is nice to know that the feelings were genuine . I can’t handle the violent outbursts anymore and the roller coaster ride. But this helped me to understand their point of view a lot more than other videos on NPD have done. Please keep making these videos. They are a great help.
Thanks for your openness.
I see most NPD as a POV of an individual who is playing a chess game with the world with a deep lack of empathy for the other pieces.
It’s all about them & everything they do has a purpose for THEM.
Lack of EMOTIONAL empathy is the #1 trait.
They have cognitive empathy. They understand others feelings, but they can’t walk in others shoes.
This is why they can’t fully reciprocate in relationships. They can’t give from a pure place.
It’s ALL for a purpose for them!
When I broke up with my ex, who has high narcissistic traits, he told me that all his relationships end the same, just different faces. That hit hard because I knew it was true.
You make sense to ME!!! I love your content. You're talking to us and not at us. It's RAD!
"Take your f*kcing meds." LOLOLOL!!! I raw dog the darkness. 🐔🎉
LMAO see you get it!! Now I gotta figure out how to not talk at my friends... haha And I respect the fuck out of that. I did until I figured out that the "bad" emotion I felt was shame now I'm like "okay fuck that give me a damn mood stabilizer" LOL
I'm glad you brought this up. I really like hearing from self advocates about their experiences.
Thank you! definitely not enough of us doing it lol
actually the reason why you make amends is not to feel better at all its to give the person who you wronged the proper respect by trying to fix or do right by them and by putting yourself last in the situation because you did wrong. And like you said you would want to make amends to avoid the guilt or the feeling of what you did wrong, which makes her right that you were trying to make amends for yourself because you needed/wanted something for yourself. that is the difference. But thanks for the video nice to understand two sides of it.
Exactly 🎉
Yep…apologies from narcs are not for you….its to cover their shame in the hopes that you’ll accept them again & that will remove their shame.
It’s not about your feelings. Or the relationship from a loving place.
Creating fake emergencies probably happens more with familial relationships. My ex’s mom went to the emergency room (for literally nothing - said she had a lump of fat in her brain and nothing came of it, it just disappeared into thin air) when she went no contact and then had the ex’s younger sister Hoover by proxy to get her to break NC and go to the hospital. It’s a thing.
You're doing a great job of giving us all an insight into this condition-- It would seem you're a 'rare bird' though? Given the amount of content dedicated to vilifying you guys; most surprisingly from therapists?! Is this cathartic for you, because I notice you've had a few 'light-bulb moments' providing you with new insights into long-held core beliefs... very reveloratory? Sweet for us, (those who want to gain insight) on this side, witnessing it in real time, so stay real...stay unedited...
Stop love bombing him
8:08 And that’s where the trauma bond starts. As the other part of the trauma bond I can say, I always felt, that this was the intention behind it. That’s why I always forgave these people in my life without them even apologizing for it. The problem is just - I took on a responsibility that wasn’t mine. I forgave without even having someone telling me seriously that they are sorry and that they messed up (fear of rejection if I wouldn’t) And every time I did that, I accepted that someone treated me horribly (which over a longer period of time made me feel worthless, because I let people walk all over me without even apologizing for it). The only way to get out of this damming spiral is through the shame. Ppl with NPD tendencies need to learn to take responsibility (not just so they said ‚sorry‘, but really mean it) and ppl with BPD or co-dependent tendencies need to learn how to set healthy boundaries (and defend them - and with boundaries I don’t mean ‚no contact‘ but telling honestly where the line has been crossed and what the consequences will be if this happens again - here the same as above - meaning what you say, not to manipulate). In both cases it needs years of healing and getting rid of maladaptive behaviors.
13:59 I think reaching out is ok, but being honest about the reason why would get ppl a lot farther. Just be honest - yes it’s scary, yes it involves shame and guilt, but there’s the door for change.
And people that across actukly suicidal don't tell anyone, they just plan and the one last bad comes and follow through. I've exlierenced this with a few friends.
Sometimes they do warn people.
Hey, hey! Just watched your HG vid, here's a few points: he's a a diagnosed psycopath (ASPD) in addition to NPD (as per his own admission). That's what makes him so calculating, delusional and grandiose. About JD, he says he is narcissistic, but not NPD: has some narcissistic traits, however not enough to be diagnosed with NPD (has quite a bit of empathy stopping him from inflicting pain on others for self-soothing purposes). Hope this helps! I'm really glad I found your channel, it's a breath of fresh air - to be honest, thanks to you, I can now look at narcissists as humans for the first time!
Thanks for telling me! Yeah I didn't do my research as well as I should've for that video, I was rather capricious and didn't expect it to get as much attention as it did. as for JD, tbh that tracks. I didn't think he had NPD, but I feel like to be an actor you gotta have some traits LOL Thanks for the kind words though! Have a good day!
@@Thenamelessnarcissist You're welcome, much deserved! I hope you won't take my words as just self-esteem juice, but actually use them to "water" your real self that's truly worthy! 😉😉
@@neveralone7212 Who’s JD? I think that of myself. Highly narcissistic, but not a good one, because I get no kick out of “negative supply” with the odd exception. Sometimes empathy arises when I don’t want it. I was ensnared by a narcissist, and was the one being manipulated in that “friendship”. I know the emptiness, and have taken on character traits since teenage years. Back then I even (too obviously) copied one person a couple of times. I have next to zero true self esteem that comes from within. I can derive some of it from work I do, or even hobby, or volunteering. It is as temporary as the activity though.
@@BrekMartin Johnny Depp
@@neveralone7212 Oh, I thought it was someone with a YT channel 😆
Is it possible to be disappointed with some bad behavior from someone but not not devalue them. I have never lost that sense of love and value for my ex. He says I'm a narcissist and I have been to several therapist and they say no, but I still think I may be. I can't let go of this ex even after year's. I can't date anyone else because I think of them all the time and it doesn't feel right to string someone else along. I have been able to reflect and stop being so arrogant and have learned to be a better listener. I don't know what I am but I I know I can't get over my ex and this isn't normal. I've tried to understand what happened and have obsessed over what I did to hurt them so badly. I don't want to punish my ex at all or hurt them in any way. I hope he has all he wants in life but I can't seem to get any answers about how to fix myself. I know when I was younger, I was volatile and crazy, but a lot of that was because I was in a cult and coming out was hard. Since, I have been pretty level and empathetic. I have no idea what to do. Any suggestions would be helpful. I have consistently corrected poor behavior. I don't really care if I am a narcissist or not, either way I just want to be a decent person and be able to show love to others. It hurts because I can't get over this person and I feel so bad that I hurt him so badly. I stopped trying to fix things between us because he said he wants no contact. But I still can't stop thinking of him everyday. To the point of being celibate for a long time. I'm not depressed, but it seems like I can't really hope for a relationship if I can't move along. Either way, I guess its good that I've had all this time for self reflection and to work on myself.
Look up LIMERENCE….could be the case? I’ve been in that position and learning about LIMERENCE (there’s UA-cam videos) has helped me MASSIVELY
Initially you utterly grated on me, because of my past with a NPD, and your constant hair touching. But after listening to you, I realized that you’re really opening up and weirdly being honest, and you have helped me understand his POV. I still think he’s a POS, but through you I get the POS’s POV better.
Ahaahhahaahaha hahaha
I hear you! Same for me!
😹😹😹Yep
It's the honesty for me🙌🏾
Thanks! honestly Idk how it's easier for me to be honest with myself here than in my personal life LOL
@@Thenamelessnarcissist
Honesty with yourself is a major step .
Its amazing how Our Minds can blow things out of proportion, To Reality.
Even ( normal people do this ) Talking about things
Changes a preson perspective . (Things aren't as bad as they seem !)
@@Thenamelessnarcissist Maybe it's the shades. XD
This is helpful thank-you. My friend doesn't want help. I think he feels really bad about himself if he admitted something like that. Or believes things wouldn't get better. I am mean to him too. But I'm trying to. Starting trauma therapy soon.
I love your videos. Please please please keep posting!❤
“Take your fcking meds” 😂 thanks for sharing
He will text me once a month & if I respond he will just ghost me. I know he is with someone else. Why does he do this? Does he still want to make sure I'm in his l life?
Same here i would like to know myself
I love your explanations and this makes total sense. I do have a question for you. I have an ex who we ended on bad terms and he reached out to me to try to set me up with this guy that he knows (that was not someone I would go for at all and I think he knew that). I told him no and reminded him that I was still upset with him about how things ended and he said that he wanted to set me up with this guy to try to do some good. That made no sense to me, but I think he reached out to try to set me up with the intent just to start communicating with me again. Is that something that someone with NPD would do?
My ex would reach out periodically while I'm in another relationship. The way he did this is that he needs help from someone, usually something like his car battery died, and he don't know if he can get to the auto parts store before they close and can't reach anyone--this was 30 ago. Or I need our divorce paperwork because my storage flooded. That sort of thing.
That is the reason the person I had my last relationship with hovered me. It was always about something he needed. This is why there is no being friends with an ex.
You might feel they are real feelings but all NPD intimate relationships will end the same..all of them..they end up hurting the other person because NPDs don’t have the foundations to have an intimate relationship. I’m sure the feelings do feel real but is that the NPD or real feelings. The only feelings an NPD has is for them self and any relationship is purely transactional and what can the other person do for me. How can they make me feel. NPDs aren’t able to love in any capacity. If they were they wouldn’t find such pathetic reasons to devalue, they wouldn’t idolise the partner, they wouldn’t move on in a matter of minutes or sometimes moved on while still in a relationship. No matter what they do they twist the narrative to buttress their false self. Aware narcissists might be aware but the narcissist (the false self) can never change.
Not true. I know plenty of people with NPD in fulfilling relationships. Besides what even is love? If we love in our own way what makes that less legitimate if we're doing right by our partner?
@@Thenamelessnarcissist Thats ok. Your entitled to your own opinion. The above was mine. My opinions are formed off studies, research and texts written by research psychologists that have dedicated their life to researching cluster B. I'm not disputing your beliefs but i personally don't believe them. The disorder itself skews reality. I believe a lot of what your saying is correct but there is also defensiveness element there as well.
@@gregwythes6055 There definitely was defensiveness, and I apologize for letting it show so bluntly. But my opinions also come from research. I spent almost my entire adult life trying to understand why I am the way I am. and That involved reading ALOT of research and clinical perspectives. Hell a bunch of my video quote studies supporting my experience. I get your perspective, And genuinely I Think that since you're someone thta comes from outside the perspective of the disorder, it's reasonable. But we genuinely love people. But out black and white thinking/lack of emotional permanence it makes it look like we don't. I get it if you don't believe that. But that's my experience
@@Thenamelessnarcissist sooooo you CAN GENUINELY put other people’s feelings FIRST then? Before your own? You can act in a completely selfless way at times…without any negative emotions in the back of your mind? ie like resentment, anger, contempt ect
@@joanndeck4315I get your point here and I do think the number of people with personality disorders that can truly make a relationship work is very slim, but to tell any group of people (especially a group of people who make up about 5% of the population) that they are incapable of having a relationship is pretty far-fetched. Probably the most pessimistic expert you can possibly find is Sam Vaknin, his work backs up your opinion, but he himself is in a marriage he's had for 27 years, you can find poetry. He's written online and interviews. He's done with her, they seem to have a relatively happy, healthy relationship in which they both mutually admire and respect the other person, it is not like a normal relationship but it's something that seems worthwhile. Your comments seem at least sort of degrading towards people with NPD and while everyone with the disorder will understand where you're coming from, it's unhelpful and mathematically almost certainly incorrect, A good relationship can mean a lot of things and there's a lot of people with NPD, there's probably somewhere around 400 million people (More than the population of the United States) with NPD, and probably near a billion with personality disorders, you're playing long odds with your statements
So when he's going around telling everyone that I cheated on him multiple times, no I did not, does he believe this to be true? It's really bothering me. He'd say that I was a compulsive liar but I've just realised that he's a pathological liar. Does that mean he believes his own lies? God I wish I saw things while I was with him and called him out. And he changed some behaviour but morphed into other tactics.
No, he doesn’t believe his own lies. He’s just doing a massive smear campaign on you to your friends and family to make you look like the abusive one. He’s protecting himself (his ego), so you won’t be believed if you try to share the real truth.
Hey Jacob, I really enjoyed this video. Question: Have you ever had an ex reach out to you hoping to reunite after you discarded them? If so, how did that go? You mentioned in a recent video all the challenges you face when trying to date-wanting your partner to be their own person, but not being able to stand them being their own person, etc. So, say you didn’t have a huge fight, but you just didn’t feel like this person was your soulmate at the time of the discard, would you be receptive to them if they reached out to you? Or would it just depend?
Since you didn't get an answer my bumping this might help it to get seen. From some things he's said, if the person discarded him when he wasn't ready for it, he'd be obsessed w/ getting them back. He quickly got bored again if he did get them back though.
I read many articles from psychologists about that topic, that Narcissists hoover, if they need attention, are between women or lonely and bored. Reading that broke my heart (again). Is it in your opinion true? is a hoover just an ego-boost for the Narcissist? (Texting me, bringing up memories, wanted to catch up while he has a new girlfriend. Didn't told me that of course). Is it the harsh reality?Its so sad to think about yourself as just an easy attention-ego-boost. So hurtful
It can be for an ego boost, sure. But overwhelmingly that's not the case. I never brought someone back into my life for an ego boost, that's too much work. Some of the psychologists who speak on the topic don't have much experience WITH narcissists, just the ones they hurt. I Recommend checking out some of the interviews I've done with experts in treating narcissists on my channel
I could see it not so much only being for an ego BOOST, but to PROTECT their ego. The narc in my life has tried hoovering me over and over and over again and it seems to be because his ego can't stand the idea of not "winning" He had a narcissistic collapse a few months ago and is not doing well now. He's obsessed with me, but I could be anyone (it has nothing to do with who I am and I'm convinced he can't really see me as a real person anyway). He's just obsessed with the fact that there's something he hasn't been able to "win" at.
@@VivaCohen True!
Wanna know how to tell if a narcissist is lying? Their lips are moving.
Ahaahhahaahaha hahaha hahaha hahahahaha haha ahahhaha hahahaaha hahaha hahaha hahahahaha haha ahahhaha hahahaaha hahaha hahaha hahahahaha haha ahahhaha hahahaaha hahaha hahaha hahahahaha haha
Good video. Thank you.
That reference article you read seems to be talking more about BPD and generally not very good, but you made this video good.
Hey . Love the self awareness. I have an a partner with NPD and it is very difficult but I cant let go completly either as I fell co dependent now because of how I was isolated from my friends to please him. Anyways you always say " take your meds " at the end of the videos. What meds do narcissists take if any or is it just meds for depression or anxiety or is this just a saying you use for anyone watching that has mental health issues. I wonder this every time you say it. Lol
Do narcissists usually have multiple people that they are keeping on a string. I get the impression that the hoovering happens when the others stop speaking to them.
Ex recorded me without my knowledge. Helped him keep his stories straight.
Yes, they keep “friends” with all their exes so they have someone to fall back on when the current relationship is out on pause either by them or their current supply. This is why they want to be friends with their exes.
I dunno. The way he lives in all things is just kind of oblivious to other people. I never saw someone sit at a rock show when everyone else was singing, cheering, screaming and dancing. It's been a few months since things went bad and even the way he himself lives is minimal effort to the point of personal discomfort. Like no investment or forethought in anyone or anything. Even his own quality of life. It seems an isolated, confused hermit existence where cues are misread and being rude and exploitative is the result. My needs only matter and nobody else exists on the earth. Everything is a transaction, and if he doesn't need nothing, cya hate to be ya. Thing is that works both ways and eventually the other guy wants to get something for his effort as well. It's sad really. Things are doomed to fail when they are so unbalanced.
Your explanations are honest, logical and make a lit of sense.
This was totally the video I was waiting for! Your timing is impeccable
LMAO I'm glad I delivered in time! Hope it was insightful!
I just love your vibe man! You are lit 🔥 thanks for the honesty and openness. Refreshing. 🕶
What if I mirror the narcissist, love bombing them, discard them, hoovering then back and leave them. I did it a lot..and It seems like they got mad AF 😂🤣
Ps: I have narcissistic fleas IoI
I mean when someone did that to me I thought I was in love with them LOL
@@Thenamelessnarcissist ugh...
I did it 😂
@Elizabeth-pn4ug what happened? In a similar situation at work with a female covert narc
You talked about making amends but didn't understand the difference between doing it to avoid shame or out of genuine guilt, I guess the difference lie in the difference between "regrets" and "remorses". But apologies etc should be for the person we wronged 1rst and our needs last.
But I wonder what narc think when the other person had enough and refuse the contact or narc's "apologizes" ?. Or like... what narc think when they wanna "apologize" and explain themselves, but without wanting to get back together, but that their victim tell them to f*ck off too ? My guess is that it's also hoovering and a tactic to absolve themselves and they don't care if the other person call them out and refuse their fake apologies etc, but maybe I'm wrong.
That was excellent. Thanks for explaining.
Thanks so much! I'm glad it was helpful!
My ex with npd mentioned unaliving himself when we were going thru issues but I felt like he was manipulating. But me with bpd have only mentioned that with my best friend bc I was scared. Usually I don’t mention it out of fear & shame.
I'm so sorry but 6:55 "...well...I really don't know how to handle that Barb..." got me laughing so hard. The way you delivered that line was so funny.
Dammit, get your shi* together Barb.
Honestly though. It's the solid way to handle that situation. 🙏 ❤
You’re the craziest narcissist on UA-cam and I love your teaching. Can you work on your volume turn it up or get closer to it please. My volume is maxed out. You speak softer than you think.
Im no narcissist, but still i recognize ALL the points in myself. But i guess the treshold for stepping over to destructive relationshipstrategies are lower for a clusterB, foe example because of bigger perceived vulnerability. Its ok to be vulnerable btw... perhaps thats exactly what you do by putting your thoughts out there to help others. Thats courage !
Great explanation!
Thank you!!
I know now after my experience with my ex narcissist, it's simply manipulative.
This may be a stupid question but how would someone respond to this if you are in a relationship with someone doing this if nothing seems to be enough. Even if someone is vulnerable with their narc and you were both “on the same page” would that help?
BTW you are doing a great job I have been trying to find people who actually have npd explain it because the information out there is very one sided and does not help either side
Thanks so much! I agree, even if people want to learn about the disorder and that's important to their healing just hearing dehumanizing stories helps nobody.
And I'm not sure I quite understand, do you mean like they don't trust your love for them? Sorry if I'm mistaken lol
@@Thenamelessnarcissist yes like they do not believe you actually care even though you have shown them and have not reacted to the “bad” behaviors with my own actions
@@kandrabrooks9031 This, is a really really good question. Are they in treatment? Cause it's hard. Every time someone says they love me it feels like a lie. Or like I tricked them, and thus feel shame. Over the years I've learned to try and accept it but, as my ex said "I gave you all the love I could but you never trusted it". Because deep down I knew I was angry, neurotic, broken and hollow. And needed constant reassurance. And I felt like if they knew all of that, well, it's obvious how people like me think that goes haha. I wish there was a simple answer that could make someone trust. But there isn't. And despite my awareness I struggle with it frequently. I can't even look someone in the eyes when they say they love me. I'm expecting a knife in the back whenever they get the chance. I'm sorry you're in that position and I wish I could offer something more helpful, but shit like that takes a lot of work and time. I hope you can work through it with your partner, but I can't give much in this case if I'm being honest. I'm still trying to work through it myself. I'm sorry. I hope you have a good day
@@Thenamelessnarcissist Thank you very much you have helped me a lot because he has tried to explain things the same way you have I will try to continue to be patient 🙏🏾😊
No it won't help! Your basically fucked! You need to get out of the toxic relationship and live again! Self reflect because there are life lessons for those of us who experience Narc abuse.
Thank you so much for this one
Of course! Thanks for recommending it!
I orchestrated every breakup but one, and it was stupid because it would last forever for them to realise that it's over. Now I do feel sorry about it, because it was so unnecessary, but back then I wasn't able to "be a men" and just break up. Twice I reached out for an ex and wow I fucked them up realy bad
I felt this comment in my bones LOL Before I was able to recognize shame I was always so confused why I couldn't handle just breaking off relationships myself.
@@Thenamelessnarcissist The same goes for honest apologys I guess?
Do you try to find someone else straight after a breakup?
You have the Venus signs as features. Are you a Taurus or a Libra?
Gemini actually lmaooo
@@Thenamelessnarcissist Ow...kay. Maybe is your moon or ascendant in a Venus sign, than. Thank you. Bright mind, as the most Gemini. 😏
Question, was this hoovering? When I'm not on antidepressiva I preach to friends how bad and evil this world is until they would nearly collapse to make me feel good, but I hated the preaching part so much that I tried several psychopharmaka until it stopped.
No, that is not what hoovering is. Hoovering is an attempt to re-establish a relationship that has been severed.
I want to run away to Europe 😂
Curious to get ur take on my situation. Watching ur vids makes me think I’m dealing w a psychopath not npd… don’t really care at this point. But just too many conflicting reports online
So, I'm not confident saying if someone has any particular mental illness, I don't feel qualified. I'd be willing to hear about it though and say if I'd do the same things and if I did why I'd do them. Thanks for the comment though!
Yeah happy to chat about it anytime …. Not sure if email or zoom or whatever works. Just a wild deal
Interesting
Can you self soove your wounded inner child can you cry. Can you feel proper joy and laugh properly.
Narcs are so predictable.
Great videos, but why is your volume so low?
I'm, not sure actually lol I'll check my phone to see if somethings messed up for the next video!
Look in UA-cam to Dr. Ramani
Why do you drive us to hell, and expect us to pay for the gas???
Your so handsome 😊
the volume on your videos is too low
I feel adhd and npd can be quite closely linked??