@@wufscello Many narcissistic ppl have told me how I've helped them to change and become better ppl after they've sucked all the happiness and joy out of my existence. I pray for whoever else crosses their path. The best apology is changed behavior. Nothing that anybody could ever say can override that. I hope u continue to grow.
@@northernbeattie304 I believe so. I used to grieve for who I was but now I'm starting to love and appreciate who I have become. I used to pray for my "enemies" but the truth is the only real enemy is the one in my head. Appreciation is the key. Good vibes only!!!
I tried to be there for the narc but he stabbed me in the back so many times I had to walk away. I was in a way contributing to his behavior by being there for him when he called. But after the last time of him stabbing me in my back I had to walk away for my own sanity. I don’t blame anyone put in that position that walks away. It’s exhausting and 0 out of 10 I don’t recommend.
Yes, I sense he has a high degree of dependency and need for my approval. But he has hurt me so profoundly one too many times and I’ve had to walk away for the final time. I think he realises I’m done DONE now. I have to try not to think about his pain because it will just pull me back in to my own extreme detriment. I will always love him but must do so from a distance.
What exactly constitutes a betrayal for a narcissist? They're often so detached from themselves and operate a no-fucks-given mentality, it could be quite hard to make them feel betrayed. Or maybe it's really easy to do by just casually being in control or something?
I've been diving into attachment theory and personality types lately and it was bothering me how the narcissist is just dismissed as unreachable and not really understood. So many videos are only coming at them from a place of contempt for the destruction instead of understanding the reasoning. I appreciate these videos so much, I've had several narc relationships in my life that have been devastating, I was able to get to a point of not personalizing any of the abuse but you've helped me to see their pain in a deeper way that has been healing for me and expanded my empathy for them. Thank you.
The worse thing you can do is have empathy for a narcissist! You're gonna always fall into their trap with that attitude. I did it for 10 years and I'll never do it again! They DO NOT CARE!!!
But They Know how they abuse people and they have a Choice. No Excuse. They have destroyed me Big Time througout my entire life. How can you forgive that, especially since they have not an ounce of remorse?
I think what you're trying to say is don't abuse someone who's in a vulnerable state. Yes, that's wrong. Set strong boundaries. Advise a therapist or mental health clinic, at least a twelve step, and get out of the way. As for you, use your competiveness as a way towards growth. Strive to be better.
FP: The person you perceive as tutor, teacher, the one has the same core of you that you know you lost since trauma. The bff and the rival. The one you listen to their perspective, guideline, advice. The one you you competitive, argue a lot. Yeah, the one go mad bc your roller coaster. The one you can open about yourself. The one let you know that each individual has their own decision, thought and inner world. The one help you take ground with reality. Crush is never equal to this lv of this person.
To get what you want quickly and easily by using others requires exceptional quick thinking and knowledge, total ruthlessness and inordinate mental stability. No doubts are allowed. No desire ever to relax or feel peace and shared connections is allowed. No friends, no lovers, ever. No feelings. Power, only : tyrants, despots, warlords, oppressors do well. For a while. Until they are overturned by their closest ally. It is pretty simple to understand : if you need to "denigrate" others as a way of asserting your own position, you will provoke very significant dislike and encounter some serious push back. If you don't even notice this and go on your merry way, fine. Until someone pulls the rug from under you. But if you are capable of feeling the slightest discontent, resentment or worry when pushback happens to you, you won't feel great for very long. The constant desire for external self-affirmation will backfire. This is why narcissists who are successful are those with traits closer or identical to those of psychopaths. Narcissists do feel shame, even though it is "more of a public emotion focused on the judgment of others, rather than regretting their wrongdoings". Psychopaths, on the other hand, don't feel any remorse whatsoever when they do something bad; they simply don't care who gets hurt or how others feel about them. Every psychopath is narcissistic but not every narcissist is a psychopath (thank God!). Therefore, narcissists are limited. Narcissism is a disorder of self-esteem, as we now understand it. They are deeply insecure so they want everyone around them to feel insecure. Their defense is to drag everyone down so they can feel superior. A Swiss study "indicates that scorers in narcissism tended to go on to experience more stress in life, such as illness, accidents and relationship breakups. Based on this, the researchers at the University of Bern concluded that “narcissism is maladaptive for the individual, because narcissistic individuals generate adverse events in their lives.” I would ad adverse events in other people's lives, too. (To be self-aware is a big step. Things can only go uphill.) So, a psychopath is also someone who tends to be calculative, cunning, manipulative, exploitative but he is unable to feel anything at all, especially anxiety or any sort of vulnerability, even for an instant. Psychopaths are wired differently. No doubt that a narcissist's life involves a lot of effort, a lot of worry or negative feeling, a lot of disappointments, a lot of failures. Some people may say " so what?!" Imagine feeling deeply hurt whenever someone doesn't pay any attention to you. How awful can it get ? Most of the time, when people don't pay any attention to you, it's simply because they haven't even seen you, not because they don't like you. Experiencing frequent social and emotional pain for such things is common in narcissists.Their lives are no bed of roses. In politics, social media and celebrity culture we see some who seem to make it but we don't see what goes on behind closed doors. We don't see the ones who fail and fall by the wayside, defeated and alone. Descriptions such as "Narcissists engage in risky behavior, hold an unrealistic superior view of themselves, are over-confident, show little empathy for others, and have little shame or guilt" are correct but fail to express the totality of the narcissistic experience. It is not a pleasant one. Nameless narcissist, you have identified your needs and "grandiose" delusions about your own importance and you give a good description of your absence of "shame" - that's pretty amazing and a good thing. One sees clearly how you have used people, put them in boxes (functions) and assigned them a very clear, particular role. You actually really need some of them for what they make you FEEL. Makes sense. If you don't fully understand how to fulfill your human needs, you will appreciate learning more and more about basic human nature. Each one of us is flawed and life is hard. As you are learning, I'm sure, life without spontaneity and a little innocence and blind trust is terribly repetitive, tiring and complicated. Wanting stuff all the time leads to frustration. Scheming, conniving, calculating all the time is exhausting and yields little gain unless you are Machiavel in person. Fearing to be unrecognized as a super superior person is the surest way to hell because geniuses and saints go ignored or mistreated all the time. One must be so vigilant all the time. You can only end up being in quasi constant fear of disappointment, injury or collapse. That's no way to live. One could think that trampling over others and leaving a trail of emotional damage around you - while remaining insulated against feeling bad about yourself, would be a great advantage in life. It would except that life happens and those narcissists who succeed are few and far in between. Your videos are full of content. Thank you. Cheers, mate, from Paris, France.
They do not finish well though. Listen to Sam Vaknin video - Old Narcissist. Very informative... Victims treat narc in the old age narcissistically - meaning after abuse victims have no compassion for abuser, which is fair in my opinion. We can not have empathy forever. I do not abuse my ex but I am giving him silent treatment forever and I thrive that he wishes he can have me as "confidante" to be as stupid as I was before. He was on a high horse by devaluing me. No more, now I am smiling and he is miserable 😂🤣😂Karma!
Thank you so much for turning your diagnosis into awareness. I know it can’t be easy, but much appreciated. The last person you spoke of, I could hear love in your tone of voice. This changed my perspective that all narcissists are not cold hearted
[ this is the 2nd part out of 3 of my preceding comment. Sorry, really too long, won't do it again, promise!] For vulnerable narcissists or less self-assured narcissists, resentment at just anything that doesn't happen the way they wish eventually becomes huge and invading (like the notification sound of your computer, you know?). They get irritated, annoyed. Control is a big issue. Depression and feelings of anxiety slow them down. It is logical to think that when one attributes great importance to external factors, one will be distracted, annoyed and angry often. Non-stop, sometimes. What happens is that you realize you don't control much. That's a problem when you count on control to be happy and get what you want. You feel at the mercy of "something" most of the time. You experience moments of triumph and relief when someone or something comes through for you but this is like playing roulette : exhilarating at first but it gets old, very quickly... Willing others into making you FEEL good and help you attain your most important goals simply means total DEPENDENCY on others : you are their slave. Either you accept that or you don't, but you can't have it both ways. It's like being dry and wet at the same time; just can't happen. If others are to be and do what you want, that means that you have to make them. Therefore, you depend on them. You are not free and even if you control their behavior, you can't control it 100%, especially with no effort. Good, caring humans all have some narcissistic traits in them which will cause them to defend themselves in order to survive and thrive, if possible. They too can lie, deceive, betray, underperform and change their mind. If you hook up with people who are easy targets of narcissists because they carry trauma and vulnerabilities and believe in saving others from their darkness, you get it easy at first but in the long run, you will hurt them so much that you won't get what you want out of them. You can't beat a dead horse. Sometimes, the sensitive, loving, open, trauma ridden will outsmart the narcissist and overpower him or her too, because there is nothing as powerful and determined as the sudden wrath of innocence betrayed, once their eyes are open. They will hunt you down to the end of the world. You can delude yourself all you want into thinking that you are manipulating them like puppets, you are only half-right: you are their obligés and puppet too. Therefore, how could you not become defensive, and how could you not scan for hostile behavior or betrayal or underperformance all the time? This is a narcissistic way to live that is pretty horrifying and risky and you probably sense that, deep down. If, at the same time, you feel you have no other choice but are convinced that this is all you've got, you are in for a lot of stress, huge disappointments and a very bitter end. Having to control what people think, feel, and do for you all the time is a lot of work and very hypothetical. One is better off taking responsibility and getting what one needs by working with whatever he's got inside. Wanting more that one is capable of attaining is very dangerous. Relying on pretense and manipulation is even more dangerous. For example, I know narcissists who have spent their lives getting their spouses, family and friends to earn the money they needed : it was huge work for them, my goodness. It involved endless manipulations, moments of short-lived triumphs, fits of rage, moments of collapse and endless dissatisfaction as it required an enormous amount of coaxing, pretending, lying, faking, bullying, paranoia and all that for results that were not that grandiose. They had to stay on top of things 24/7. It's a full-time job. Sure, some succeeded in acquiring important material possessions -- they led their victims to grief or suicide without taking any responsibility but they are not fulfilled, peaceful and enjoying what they've got in the least. They are not to be envied simply because, even though they have won the war and have gotten rid of the fear of lacking, they reign in the ruins of a battlefield no one wants to get even near. They KNOW who they are and can think only of one thing : they should have had much more, they were victims and it's everyone else's fault ! People around them know also who they are, by now. They may not show it, but they know. Aging narcissists are never admired or deeply loved. Now they have to buy people since their charm is long gone. They are hated, or feared for their remaining capacity for malevolence or tolerated for what they will leave behind...or out of a minimal sense of duty. The ego has nothing to feel ecstatic about. Those narcissists were all intelligent, capable and healthy enough to go out and earn the money themselves, with just regular challenges and without having to destroy anybody. But no, no way. They seem to have been convinced that manipulating others into doing it for them, while at the same time claiming loud and clear that they were doing it all by themselves, was all that they could do. Once the dust settles, it is clear to see. Foolishness, pain, misery and time wasted. Their apparent supreme goal was to prove that they were entitled to being offered the best of everything on a silver platter without having to lift a finger. How strange. That's not how life works, anywhere. Not for bees, not for wolves, not for people. Even kings and queens have it rough, have to work extra hard and endure all kinds of misfortunes and disappointments. The platter is rarely in silver and effort is always required. Well, if it were possible that ordinary people could get anything they wanted by just lying and using others, we would know about it by now, wouldn't we ?! [ for those who want to read on, please see 3 rd comment.] If not, cheerios!
Jacob, this was a really interesting listen. Thank you for being open about your “characters” or designated spots to the people around you. I would be really be interested in hearing more about what you mention at 2:00 minutes in… the person the narcissist admires but cannot talk to. Please talk more about this ♥️
For me it's the confidante/the person understands me, the person who is like me, the person who confides in me, and the person who is the person I want to be or the person who can make me feel like I'm the person I want to be, and the person who regulates my self esteem, the close special person.I hope you found this comment interesting❤
I'm the solution seeker The one that fixes everything, does everything, & more. I set clear boundaries which get violated frequently. I finally set up consequences for those violations and now she is respecting me more. She punishes me for not being able to read her mind. she hates me but she needs me.
"She punishes me for not being able to read my mind." As someone on the autism spectrum, this is a big beef I have with neurotypicals. It has to do with 'theory of mind' - intuitively anticipating the actions and values of others and acting accordingly. Really though, every time I hear "Use common sense!" to criticise me, it translates as "Read my mind!" Very annoying, and as wide a swathe it cuts from my field of acquaintances, I have no tolerance for it.
The story of the two wolves An old Cherokee Indian chief was teaching his grandson about life. He said, "A fight is going on inside me," he told the young boy, "a fight between two wolves. The Dark one is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego." He continued, "The Light Wolf is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you grandson…and inside of every other person on the face of this earth.” The grandson ponders this for a moment and then asked, "Grandfather, which wolf will win?" The old Cherokee smiled and simply said, "The one you feed".
I thought that last bit of testimonial so moving, carry on, you are doing such a great job at understanding yourself and healing. Narcs are people too. It’s a piece of you, a big one but there are some other parts that are growing through this process. I am sure you are inspiring many silent Narcs out there, to start explaining their experience so that we can all become more educated and understanding. You were victims before being seen as perpetrators because of the defenses you created. It’s a shit deck of cards to be handed. Doing these videos must be disconcerting to say the least but Wow, it’s such a step towards a more integrated you.
With my bpd favorite person, I think of it as anyone who will allow me to use them emotionally and inevitably make it one sided. I have back up favorite people that I haven't fully let see me totally vulnerable yet, but they think they have. And I'm very emotionally supportive of my back ups, because I don't fully need them. I dont think of them as better or worse than the other, but more who is more likely to take care of me completely and not leave me. When one is done I instantly have a new one, without really missing the old one much :( although my favorite persons last years. None of this was conscious or planned out until therapy. When I found out I do this I felt like shit. I'm glad your posting about this , it reduces people's shame. It appears to me that narcissists seem to use a whole friend group as supply in a way that kind of looks like my favorite persons.
As a BPD person, can you tell me why would you chase your ex for 20 years hypothetically? I have that case, I am no contact and happily married. What you would find so important to hoover someone every couple of years, I wonder. Ex is NPD/BPD and is married but I think he is miserable and empty. My no means no but he is still trying 😵💫
I hope I’m my current narc’s person that can help them. I’ve prayed about it a lot & I do have hope for him. I can see the potential in him & can encourage him to get help but know I can’t do it for him. I’m trying to heal myself of my bpd & also going to school for counseling. I’ve applied a lot of what I’ve learned in counseling & how I’ve let God heal me to our relationship. To be clear, we’re not in a relationship & will never be. But I do have a soft spot for him while at the same time hold him accountable & hold boundaries with him. I can also see things from his perspective since I’m also a cluster B. Sometimes I do want to hurt him bc I know I can & he’s hurt me deeply but ultimately that’s not who I am as a person or who I want to be. I’m a healer at heart. If I did hurt him, idk what I’d do with myself.
I’ve been that person and it is draining, I’m the closest friend ( ex spouse ). we know each other so well. It is exhausting.. and a full time job . It’s like having an adult child honestly. No matter what I understand and don’t always like or agree with.
UNDERSTANDING SOMEONES HUMAN MIND WITHOUT JUDGEMENT AND AT THE SAME TIME CAN SPEAK TO THEIR SOUL IS ONE OF THE MOST POWERFUL CONNECTIONS OF LOVE THAT WILL ONLY HAPPEN ONCE IN A LIFETIME.
I'm from Brazil and I saw your interview on Canal da Taryana Rocha and it helped me a lot to understand how the Narcissist's mind works. Since I was a victim of one for 7 years. I left the relationship 5 months ago and I'm still in a delicate mental moment. Understanding more helps with healing. Thanks.
Thank you, nameless narcissist ! This is so telling and helpful as you show us your intimate, reasoning process. You analyze yourself well and I can tell you that this is useful for those of us who need to really understand the meanders of your type of functioning. Allow me to say that the fact you have come to a sort of dead end at some point is a very good sign: you have it in you to change what needs to be changed, and to be a lot happier ! Self-awareness is not easily accessible, to say the least : good for you. If I may, I would suggest that exploring "Existential Therapy" could give you a formidable edge in order to turn around some of the false beliefs that might have driven you about life's deep meaning and about what truly satisfies humans -- that stuff that goes way beyond obvious needs and wants. All humans are mistaken about one thing or another and we all learn as we go : it's human! Knowing yourself, as you are discovering, is a painful and long process but it yields incredible rewards. If you were to put your ingenious and agile mind to work deeply on that, God knows what you could attain. You have just described why most narcissists cannot be happy or succeed at feeling satisfied : they spend every second of their time attempting to control things, people AND their own feelings and emotions at the same time. That says it all : it's an impossible task. It is doomed to fail. This endeavor may be successful in the short term, but no more. If everything you feel and want depends on something totally outside of yourself, say on somebody else's reactions, actions or feelings, man, you're in trouble, aren't you ? I’ll share some of my own findings for anyone who is interested and stumbles on this, as I have been studying and researching various types of narcissism in depth. Personal encounters have taught me a lot. Otherwise, stop here! 🤪 If anyone relies solely on external objects to feel this and that way about himself or herself (on people, events, things, ideas), it's probably because they don't know any better or feel absolutely compelled, otherwise they wouldn't do it. Therefore, there is plenty of room to learn and redirect our intelligence and energy force. Psychopaths can get away with self- serving "narcissistic" behavior because they are “superhypernarcissists” with a TWIST. They are very different : they don't need to control their own EMOTIONS -- they have NONE, or they can turn them off at will. Now, this is an entirely different ballgame. They are wired differently from calculating narcissists or other calculating humans, for that matter. Their façade and methods are the same as narcissists, but they are charming and calculating MACHINES. They don't need to feel good about themselves or have any connection with anyone. They let the chips fall wherever they may and move on untouched, unworried, devoid of rumination. To put it simply, they are not plagued by self-questioning or self-esteem ups and downs. Also, there are different dimensions of narcissism and the emotional outcome completely depends on which CATEGORY you fall into : if you fall into the category that is labeled "vulnerable" narcissism for lack of a better word - meaning sensitive to doubt, prey to low self-worth behind a false-self, and very dependent on others' admiration, involvement and blind loyalty - feeling happy and content can quickly evade you. Some narcissists are winners in education, work and romance because their self-centeredness and feeling of superiority is such that it makes them very self-confident and very persistent: they truly believe that they are more and deserve more. If one adds to that a satisfied disdain for moral values, especially socially oriented rules of conduct, and on top of that an innate ability to fake whenever necessary good will and good faith, one can anticipate some degree of success. Why ? Besides the obvious advantage there is in life of always feeling good about ourselves and of having the capacity to work extremely hard, the fact that scruples (or feelings of understanding and sharing with others) hardly exist or don't interfere with our single-minded selfish decisions and behaviors makes it a lot easier to move on through life, obviously ! This isn't new or surprising but perfectly logical. These individuals's egotistical behavior is known to be very damaging for society in general, but not to themselves. As a matter of fact, it is the antithesis of good societal conduct since lack of interest for the global Good, callousness and dishonesty at the individual level leads to the destruction of society's fabric which is based on good faith cooperation and healthy competition. We can be sure that absolute self-love and satisfaction, lack of awareness and care for others' feelings cannot be eternal. Life has a way of throwing at you stuff you don't want, no matter what. Those narcissists may not obtain a sense of deep fulfillment, belonging or connecting but as long as they have what they need -- status, success at work, material means that entice others to be with them, they can feel pretty satisfied as long as they don't encounter serious mishaps or setbacks. They are characterized by "high levels of resilience and determination" but are likely to crumble at the first indication that they are not as great as they think they are. In all the studies that were conducted, narcissistic students were "not cleverer, but were more confident and assertive and were able to overtake students who otherwise would have more ability", for example. Studies show that they are not more intelligent than other people but they are more CONFIDENT AND DRIVEN. They are highly opportunistic and single-minded. Spectacularly, they can therefore perform better than very high IQ Gifted or deeply Gifted people for one very simple reason : they focus on one goal and ignore anything that could distract them from their single-mindedness. They always assume that they are better than anyone else. In contrast, gifted children and adults are motivated by a keen sense of the world outside themselves as they perceive it with heightened senses and more complex neuronal paths than neuro-typical brains, which connect with all parts of the brain at the same time -- left, right, limbic etc. They tend to be extremely empathetic and altruistic because they detect, understand and feel inside exactly what others go through : hence they are also very interested in what is outside of themselves and what happens to others. They are given to self-doubt because they are hard on themselves and deep existential thinking. They are not as interested in extrinsic rewards like money or fame or winning as others, but very driven by intrinsic values, like the sense of justice and fairness, the need to feel completely aligned with their inner self and the meaning of life, death and transcendence. On the other hand, very strong "grandiose" narcissists who fall at the extreme end of the spectrum of narcissism have a single - minded, unique, huge, visceral obsession with themselves only in regard to status and power and not much else. They never doubt their over-inflated sense of importance. They don't need to feel loved, truly admired or supported or connected : they only demand the APPEARANCE of loyalty or submissiveness because the result is all that counts. In other words, they are blindingly self-sufficient and unaware of the overall picture. They see themselves as Gods. They have no idea how it feels to be thinking about the value of selflessness, magnanimity, self-denying, benevolence or philanthropy. They know those exist, mock them and use them. In a sense, this describes someone who is not quite "human", since we commonly describe humans as being characterized by their ability to be self, SELF-CONSCIOUS and CONSCIOUS beings. Hence, guilt, shame, emotional intelligence, empathy and deeply felt joy or serenity (which is a consequence of consciousness and emotional intelligence) are not available to them. Their behavior is simple, one dimensional and efficient. They use fear to control and fake charm to attract. Other narcissists, the vast majority, tend to want at least some kind of connection, meaning and re-assurance : one could say they want their cake and eat it too ? They are ambivalent and that's a lot more complicated. Those run- of- the- mill narcissists create havoc and hurt people too. They cause confusion or agonizing feelings of self-doubt in their entourage as they fake interest, then feel some attachment, and know how to elicit it. They are obsessed with how they feel and what they want, unable to perceive the world as something bigger than themselves. They calculate, they manipulate, they devaluate, and start over again, just like full-blown grandiose narcissists, and feel little or no remorse either ( little is a lot, though) BUT fear of failure, low self- esteem, impatience, uneasiness around other's suffering and shame is never very far underneath. Let's say that their layers of pretense and their fear of failing aren't thick enough and that they are aware of what is going on around them. In other words, they doubt themselves.This leads to ever-increasing resentment against anyone or anything that doesn't behave just right because then, they feel that they are being made to feel bad by others. They experience hot anger, rage, desires for revenge, envy : all very unpleasant feelings to have, not conducive to feeling terrific and victorious. Full-blown grandiose rather than vulnerable narcissists experience cold hate instead. They will get back at you swiftly and mercilessly but won't spend too much time on it: they have nothing to prove to themselves or anyone else. You are just an insect they need to crush in passing. [This is way too long, sorry. The end in following comment...]
Maybe you've projected how you wish your parents are onto the person you compete with but also have respect for? Super interesting and love how open you are!
This is interesting... first time Ive ever heard someone describing my role being "that one person". I started to realize this and felt i was being to heavily relied on and loved and hated at the same time. Lol. I truly care about them but boundaries was a must! Thx for sharing.
Wow, thank you for your honesty, Jacob! It was eye-opening. Empaths see this world in an absolutely different way. Honestly as an empath, I still don't understand why narcissists need to be better than everyone else. For example, I do know a lot of people are better than I am in lots & lots of spheres. SO WHAT????????? I don't have a problem about it. I can be better at something than other people are. Other people can be better at something else than I am. But why do I have to worry that someone is better than I am at something??? I still don't understand that. This is how empaths usually see it. And I never wanted to become popular. I just don't need it. This is honest! I just need to be good at my trade. That's it. I feel uncomfortable when I'm at the centre of attention. This is how many empaths see this world. Thank you for your honesty, Jacob. It was eye-opening
I completely relate! Don’t care for competitiveness or popularity. I’m most comfortable on the sidelines as an observer, however, I have a rich inner life too. Very interesting to hear the narcissist perspective.
Not trying to be rude, why do you feel the need to constantly repeat you're an empath and talk about how empaths "see it" like you do realize that people with empathy don't all act a specific way right. plenty of empaths care whether people are better than them and want to be popular. it's not an identity, it's barely a trait
With respect it is a specific personality type. I dislike the word empath, as it has mystical connection when it has specific biological markers. The main one is a hypersensitive nervous system that intensifies emotions, and is present in 3or 4% of the population, and is either a blessing or a curse...in my case its a curse. One because of health issues, and secondly because you are not susceptible to propaganda and social engineering, so you have to be careful what you say, or you'll end up a pariah, and you learn that the hard way. Indoctrinated and infantile We swallow every insane lie As denial, blind hope, and optimism Hold up walls that are our prison Data, stats, who needs that? They're just a bunch of useless facts That only makes me feel uneasy A little sick, a little queasy It's the migrants, no, its the Jews So many scapegoats, its hard to choose? It's the migrants, no, its the Jews So many scapegoats, its hard to choose? And look out for those neo Marxists Hiding at home in your bread baskets Now I haven't studied history Or any political economy, Don't know shit about psychology Or the development of society I haven't studied anything at all No diplomas hang upon the wall But I know all that there is to know Because Jordan Peterson told me so Now I'm registered with Jobster Looking for work as a lobster So, hold on tight, we're going down Slavish fools to knaves and clowns No, money left for the sick and poor It's all been spent on endless war And edumacation, who needs that When it's all downloadable on an app? Faster than the world's revolving Humanity is fast devolving While Donald Drumpf is no one's heroe Why he's a fiddler just like Nero Can't believe it's come to this My God, we're flucking idiots. "The development of the theory of positive disintegration began in Dąbrowski's earliest Polish works, as reflected in his 1929 doctoral thesis. His first work in English (1937) also contained seeds of the theory. His next major English work was his 1964 book Positive Disintegration. He proposed that the key to mental growth was having strong "developmental potential" (DP): a constellation of psychological factors that are genetically inherited. Strong DP often leads to the disintegration of existing psychological structures. These disintegrations allow the individual to volitionally reorganize their priorities and values, leading to psychological growth.[1] " en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Positive_disintegration
You don't have inner shame and your brain is not sending constant messages like you are worthless etc. It is a brain disorder - meaning their brain looks totally different inside with big holes where connections, empathy, love, self-awareness and so on should be. It is as if they do not have hands. Look into MRI scan of their brain.
I try to remind my friend all the time , we need to be Grateful 🙏🏽 and accepting of the Divine Decree/Fate of the Creator . We aren't in total control and at the end of the day we are all here to serve in some way or another.
I think I was the sidekick to a narcissist, but had to leave the relationship when the abuse patterns became apparent, would it be possible that the narcissist does mild abuse to the sidekick when in social groups to assist dominance?
Thank you so much for this video! I just recently began to understand that the guy I dated for a little more than a year (I´m still occasionally in touch with him) is a narcissist. The way you describe your relationship with the people close to you is so similar to his way of relating to people. I´m truly fascinated by this personality disorder.
It’s not a healthy loyalty. My narc stalkers never stop wanting me back in their circle on some levers. I’ve never had one cut me off, I’ve cut them off and they tell people they wish I’d get over it so they could still have me in their life. Never had a narc who didn’t want me on their terms. Ever!
@@littlebitty2731 They have ZERO loyalty! they are constantly stabbing you in the back, behind your back, talking shit about you TO EVERYONE, spreading lies about YOU...They dont discard you because your easy pray, i know i have a very infected family and had a few friends same, i CUT every single one of THEM out of my life, and yes if i wanted back in...THEY have ME in a heart beat because their abuse of treating me like crap and me always the ultimate forgiver putting up with their crap, letting it roll off for soooo long, fighting to get notmalcy or resolve...NEVER to be had, IMPOSSIBLE with someone who is truly a narc! they were addicted to my tolerance of their CRAP until i wasnt, once i walked they were obsessed and still are hatefully OBSESSED with me because I DUMPED their asses! BUT loyalty? just because they want you around is NOT LOYALTY...its manipulative using you to fulfill their nastiness because you stay... meaning, you are willing to put up with their abuse, so why dump perfectly willing good supply???
It’s contradictory because you trained the protégé, but when they learned what you were trying to teach them, you devalued them. A healthy person would be proud of a protége’s success.
A narcissist will never really be healthy minded. They can be self aware and seek or learn not to devastate people to get supply for their bottomless pit ego, but the disorder is always there. In some ways it's like mental illness. it's always there, but can be managed w/ various interventions. Only people w/ mental illness are far more likely to seek help and people w/ personality disorders rarely do.
@@NMTDelightfulMusic I'm not sure that's true. I think that's part of the mythos of it. He doesn't seem to ever devalue the Christian in his life, because the Christian has been amazingly consistent. He seems to admire him, w/out putting him on a pedestal. It would be interesting though if that person let him down by having a moral slip.
@@saintejeannedarc9460 It seems to me that personality disorders are synonymous with mental illness. Also, who are you referring to when you say “the Christian in his life”? Just anyone he knows who is a Christian and consistently supportive of him?
@@JessCyph I think you're right that personality disorders are a type of mental illness. Dr. Ettensohn, who treats is thinks so. His channel is Heal NPD, very compassionate man. Jacob mentioned a Christian he knows that he seems to really admire. He describes this person as really consistently kind and such.
Do you think a person that loves a narcissist should be treated like scum -worthless -void of being seen as anything but dirt and destroyed Your a powerful man with a great heart looks and smarts and have a great channel Help others not to trash each other and learn to love
Bro its nothing to do with you, they are who they are if its me you or anybody else, their message to you that you have a such a power inside you that: 1. You don't know about 2. They can't handle it 3. Find someone like you who deserve it 😁👌👍
@@Samalba101 your statements ring true , I’m left with my love for them while another part is missing , it’s been almost 50 years since perfection turned into illness , it’s kinda a burning ember about such loss , I bring this to god. Why what a waist of the gifts you give us forgive me god for not knowing what to do to make love the only thing that matters
They are your "flying monkies,"minions, and assigned players that are necessary to ensure your victory of the subzero game they are forced to engage in, which is the subzero game that you confuse with life.
Watching this crying. Man your videos are better than anything out there. I’m that last friend to my my narcissist “bff”. Pretty sure I’m one too. But no matter how many people tell me to dump him. I refuse. I love him. He’s not evil. Yeah. It’s rough being friends with him and awful and amazing. And I’m never giving up on him.
Concerning that last person, you're right, it is a responsibility. If he knows you well enough to know what he's dealing w/ and there's a disordered person w/ huge trust issues, then he knows he (or she) is dealing w/ precious cargo.
In true friendship, we reciprocate our 'emotional energy' freely. No one has to 'earn' our energy. A healthy soul freely expresses our energy in a feminine light to shine healing light onto others.
I don't care how loyal honest loving supportive caring and faithful I was to my ex, he still lied, manipulated, devalued, raged, gas lit, cheated, tried to break me, spoke badly about me to his family & friends, and disrespected me. The entire time, I thought I was giving him what he wanted, and it still wasn't enough. When you've taken all you can take and I've given all I can give. You walk away & go find someone to replace me and live happily ever after. And act like I was the problem. Good luck playing your next role. I hope your mask doesn't slip and ruin your next situation also... Better glue it on real good...
Sounds like you’re asking to be loved. Are you an empath magnet? I’m new to this channel. You’ve already given me some insight into my own behavior. I thank you.
12:50 onwards I relate with kinda, I hold so much admiration for this person and as much as I question everybody else's opinions, I don't question theirs, yet I'm at a thing where I have to be better than them and downplay everything they do, which sounds f*cked up but it makes me feel better about myself. I can compliment this person but with no actual meaning with it, everything i say just feels fake, but at the same time I can't let this person go and won't. I do the most vile things to this person when i feel like im being judged, yet always manage to stop them from leaving me and finding a way to blame them and they end up believing its their fault. I was in denial for so long, but it's 100% manipulation, but i can't stop. But one thing that's different with this favourite person is my loyalty. I realised in past relationships i wouldn't cheat but i wouldn't be as loyal but it was because i was betrayed. When my favourite person betrays me it feels like the end of the world, but will never let anyone see that. I ended up doing cruel things out of spite, yet with this person i've been 100% loyal. Maybe it's because i might be obsessed but i doubt it, it's probably because i know exactly how to hurt this person and really send them into a spiral. I don't really feel bad about it because I'm not thinking about anyone's feelings while I'm saying certain things, I just see a goal and push everyone away until I get there, and only until after I've achieved my goal I then realise what I left behind. But I genuinely cannot feel any sympathy for them no matter how much I want to, I just feel like every emotion I give is completely fake and I just want to be able to give someone 100%. I'm constantly judging people to hide my own insecurities about being judged but I can never show that weakness to anyone. Hell, even made a whole fake account to comment here so no one will know who I am, regardless I don't care if anyone thinks I'm an a**hole, It's the 21st century, life's hard, wear a helmet. People get hurt all the time.
Your condition makes things hard and some of your ways to feel better about yourself are short term measures that will leave you feeling worse about yourself in the end. Achieving your goals won't feel good and may feel worse than you do now. I value the insights you have given here. You are good at describing your experience and I appreciate your bravery in commenting here. I think you would do well if you sought help and I wish you well.
You are correct as in people get hurt all the time. I was raised in a narcissistic family, married one and spent 12 years in a relationship with another one, I've been in hospitals since the age of 12 and on medications as well, I'm a cluster b and it's not easy living with myself but it's better than waiting to ever be noticed or valued by anyone else. After my last suicide attempt and hospitalization I learned I was misdiagnosed and for my ex I hope they all get help instead of trying to save others,they are great manipulators who could care less if you're alive or dead and they don't care what part they play as long as they are right and have dominance, power,and control. They don't care who they abuse and can be very educated and knowledgeable and get pleasure out of watching you suffer, you can go to them and let them know you fucked up but you will be punished for years on end all while they are doing the same thing and probably more,they care about what you provide, I was loyal and today 2 years post breakup I still care,grieve,and hurt but I try to put as much effort into myself, learn my own value, and self worth,I'm still working on self acceptance but know this some people are just as capable of taking your life after you have abused them for so long when put under the right circumstances
I am a dark empath but i behave like this with one person you termed as a sidekick. I don't have a lot of emotions but I am most loyal to this person cuz he has proved his loyalty to me over more than 10 years. He doesn't approve of my actions but he has never betrayed me. So I really care as much as a person like me can about just this one person.
Thank you for your video. Good of you to share about your narcissism and be honest. Thank you for sharing your personal problems it's been interesting listening and helps with my studying. I hope you have a good happy future and continue putting the work into yourself 😊
My ex used to call me her "Favorite" person. Extremely manipulative woman, lots of betrayal, lots of cheating, lots of ups and downs and meaningless small fights. Lasted a year. On the other hand, i'm pretty sure I have something wrong with me too, as I was similar in different ways. I'm certain she has NPD Traits if not full NPD. I'm definitely thinking I may have NPD or other traits in some other disorder, i'm not even sure anymore.
I am loving this channel. I love discovering what makes people tick and you’ve been so helpful in my understanding of narcissism. Your ability to self reflect is surprising. At times I’ve questioned myself in thinking my husband is a narc because sometimes he can self reflect (it’s rare and pretty shallow though)
and now, here we are actually virtually capturing our "friends" in our box under our desk or that machine we carry around in our pockets. "I'd like to put you in my pocket and take you home" became our collective reality. The majority of our friendships and relays can be dominated by segmenting fractional and a construct for all intents and purposes. The conquest is to maintain a heart soul conection with Everybody you ever meet. because it's a great equalzer and you then dont have to keep track of all the files. what is abnormal thinking?
I'm BPD for me I can forgive disloyalty if they are truly very sorry for causing me pain and can own up and explain what their underlying insecurities were at the time and now want to fully mend the relationship and stop with the put downs. I can forgive almost any "disloyalty" as long as they are committed to rebuilding trust with me so that I feel super safe and cozy with them. It's when someone hurts me or betrays me and my trust again and again and have ZERO remorse or interest in mending the relationship that I go absolutely ballistic and get rage that consumes me and I start watching A LOT of True Crime for a few weeks until I cool off.
My best friend is my favorite person. I’ve had the same best friend my entire life. I’m not diagnosed but I believe I may have ASPD slightly. My favorite person is diagnosed Borderline, so we definitely have some explosive episodes but she feels accepted by me and vice versa.
Incredibly interesting, I have a question to you: does the "favorite person" know what you think about them? Do you ever communicate to them what you just described to us? Or are they unaware of the role they play in your life? 11:20
My NPD cousin mother was her confidante/doormat/reliable person... The level of disgust she had in her voice when talking about her to me was unbelievable. I was disgusted just listening to her and her lack of empathy. And she was saying how her mother is sad and talk about how her narc mother ( cousin grandmother) was a cold mother. And the cousin will never tell her mother her real opinion, she despises her ... So they do not say...
For sure the narcissists ' partner is NOT the favourite person,and guess what ,i am not surprised😢😮the actual partner is really low on the list of favourite people ,they are the ones who receive all the bad treatment😢,supernice to everyone,and superbadvto the person they are with😮....
I feel like I was the favorite person but also the partner and I felt the admiration but also like he was always trying to get my praise and be better than me. It was exhausting. I wasn’t withholding I was truthful. I felt the responsibility heavily and I ultimately failed. Resentment and denial can have unforeseen consequences.
I am highly intuitive and there have been various expressions of sincerity in this talk. I’m more inclined by your gestures and talk that your personality is more shaped by being raised by narcissists.
Idk which group i fall under because i can see him and read him better than anyone,i see under his mask,im also extremely patient which him even after him putting me down and multiple times cheating on me. I have tried breaking things off with him multiple times but he tells me im never getting away from him and uses the fact that i dont lose love for him against me as a way of getting me to cave. I want to leave him but not because i dont love him ,its because i know i cant count on him when i need him . He discards other ppl like they are nothing so im guessing im in one of the groups even though i dont think im favorite person because his insults tell me he doesn't really respect me
This is fascinating because the 5th person is the one I want to date so desperately. My father is the one who caused my narcissistic wounds and I deeply want to learn from my partner but I end up feeling like I’m in a competition. My ex and our relationship was that.
Nice video setup! That first minute was great I already decided I was listening all the way through to the end... Maybe that's a formula you can use... A lot of cheesy lollipops at the end of the video aren't enough to keep me going and they're obviously bids for getting the numbers they want as opposed to really helping. I didn't get that feeling the way you set this up at all. I felt like a good teacher would set it up The main lesson is going to be taught first by outlining everything else that makes up the entire setup and then the final piece will be revealed right there once you've got some understanding under your belt... Nice job
I was going ask if this best person for you is on the cluster b spectrum. Thanks for explaining at the end. I wonder if this is Nicole ♥️ This was super helpful info Jacob 🤜🏻🤛🏻
HOLY SHIT! Have watched a few of your videos, learned so much! Appears self worth is the core issue (not a clinician myself), just raised by a narcissist (so yes have my own issues to deal with) and "the favorite" in a long term relationship. You guys ARE TRULY VERY INTELLIGENT people, it's the unresolved hurt (or other pain/issues) inside of you guys that I see. Please know competition is health until a certain age, need to evolve/mature to cooperation (and that is difficult for even "neuotypical type people" especially in this over tech world). Just try and be less self absorbed (not a martyr). PS. Found that being on hikes or out in nature has appeared tremendously to have helped my long-term narcissist friend alot (their admission, as hard as I know it was for him to share that vulnerability (admission). Keep up the good work, and thanks for letting us see into your world/struggles, we all have things we can improve about ourselves (you really are not alone)! ❤
I think I was both the person she felt understood by and the favourite person for my ex .. I say this because, as her longest relationship, she was making a lot of progress.. until she found another narcissist she got infatuated with .. then all of that impulsivity (mania? bipolar?) kicked in .. I had broken up with her because she cheated on me with this person so I suspect she felt betrayed? So she came back crawling but, after taking her back, she planned her leaving me at one of the lowest points in my life .. after telling me that she will keep doing that to me (cheat whenever she wanted) and I will always take her back (and then she said she loved me) .. I've been no contact for 2 months as I'm focusing on healing and I keep telling people I need to heal FAST because I KNOW she will be back but it's very hard to explain that even to a therapist.. she says we'll deal with what I need to do if she comes back but I keep explaining to her there is no if.. my question to you is: why would she hurt me so badly when I fulfilled not 1 but 2 roles in her life?
What’s up dude. I’ve been a victim of narcissistic people all my life. I’m now all alone and afraid to open up to anyone. I would say I’m toxic but not the way narcissistic people are. Can we talk sometime? I’m nice to narcissists.
Sorry, I understand your perspective and you are awesome. The thing is, I won't stay in a relationship with someone that's trying to destroy my character in every way possible whilst feeding on me and copying my actions to get better. I was the favorite guy and my life was miserable when I lived with him. He fucked me up real good and I am still paranoid haha.
My mom taught me how to live and love a narcissist. I will never be ok. Every time I fall for someone he is a narcissist. I gave up so many nice guys because there was no attraction. What can a trauma therapist do? She can’t bring back my father. There was no closure even if I gave years to care for him.
At least you recognized you are a narcissist. My husband is fighting with me bcs I didn’t make him a planned list of what I am going to do tomorrow. I am also sick so chances are it won’t even get done. But he is neither controlling nor wrong and I am the problem. Good news though. Narcissists are very good at making people want to pull out their hair and go outside and scream while running down the street naked. To outsiders, I would be the crazy one. Everyone would be saying ‘oh your poor husband’.
Being a narcissist's favorite person is traumatizing. I'm still trying to heal. I don't think I'll ever be right again.
Same :(
No you won't be the same... you will be better. Heal... it's the only way.
I wish I could apologize to my fp that I drove away. But losing them was the only thing that got me to question myself.
@@wufscello Many narcissistic ppl have told me how I've helped them to change and become better ppl after they've sucked all the happiness and joy out of my existence. I pray for whoever else crosses their path. The best apology is changed behavior. Nothing that anybody could ever say can override that. I hope u continue to grow.
@@northernbeattie304 I believe so. I used to grieve for who I was but now I'm starting to love and appreciate who I have become. I used to pray for my "enemies" but the truth is the only real enemy is the one in my head. Appreciation is the key. Good vibes only!!!
I tried to be there for the narc but he stabbed me in the back so many times I had to walk away. I was in a way contributing to his behavior by being there for him when he called. But after the last time of him stabbing me in my back I had to walk away for my own sanity. I don’t blame anyone put in that position that walks away. It’s exhausting and 0 out of 10 I don’t recommend.
Totally valid. You have to do what's best for your own mental (and physical) health.
1000% agree
Because you are a toilet where he will put his shi.. on :))) They can never be humans...forget about them.
Yes, I sense he has a high degree of dependency and need for my approval. But he has hurt me so profoundly one too many times and I’ve had to walk away for the final time. I think he realises I’m done DONE now. I have to try not to think about his pain because it will just pull me back in to my own extreme detriment. I will always love him but must do so from a distance.
Betrayal is the ultimate wound for a Narc. They can never forgive or forget.
Too bad….although they can be super scary….speaking from personal experience
The nerve… when they’re the traitors
Same for BPD.
What exactly constitutes a betrayal for a narcissist? They're often so detached from themselves and operate a no-fucks-given mentality, it could be quite hard to make them feel betrayed. Or maybe it's really easy to do by just casually being in control or something?
Narcissists want YOUR loyalty even through their abuse. But never ever will you get their loyalty. They just don’t care.
I've been diving into attachment theory and personality types lately and it was bothering me how the narcissist is just dismissed as unreachable and not really understood. So many videos are only coming at them from a place of contempt for the destruction instead of understanding the reasoning. I appreciate these videos so much, I've had several narc relationships in my life that have been devastating, I was able to get to a point of not personalizing any of the abuse but you've helped me to see their pain in a deeper way that has been healing for me and expanded my empathy for them. Thank you.
The worse thing you can do is have empathy for a narcissist! You're gonna always fall into their trap with that attitude. I did it for 10 years and I'll never do it again! They DO NOT CARE!!!
❤❤❤❤
@@DearGodHaveMercyyou can still feel empathy but through detachment. Never lose the one thing we have and they don’t.
💯. People forget how we lived through super fucked up childhoods.
But They Know how they abuse people and they have a Choice. No Excuse. They have destroyed me Big Time througout my entire life. How can you forgive that, especially since they have not an ounce of remorse?
I think what you're trying to say is don't abuse someone who's in a vulnerable state. Yes, that's wrong. Set strong boundaries. Advise a therapist or mental health clinic, at least a twelve step, and get out of the way. As for you, use your competiveness as a way towards growth. Strive to be better.
@@lookupyourredemptiondrawsn7285 Thank you.
❤
FP: The person you perceive as tutor, teacher, the one has the same core of you that you know you lost since trauma. The bff and the rival. The one you listen to their perspective, guideline, advice. The one you you competitive, argue a lot. Yeah, the one go mad bc your roller coaster. The one you can open about yourself. The one let you know that each individual has their own decision, thought and inner world. The one help you take ground with reality. Crush is never equal to this lv of this person.
To get what you want quickly and easily by using others requires exceptional quick thinking and knowledge, total ruthlessness and inordinate mental stability. No doubts are allowed. No desire ever to relax or feel peace and shared connections is allowed. No friends, no lovers, ever. No feelings. Power, only : tyrants, despots, warlords, oppressors do well.
For a while. Until they are overturned by their closest ally.
It is pretty simple to understand : if you need to "denigrate" others as a way of asserting your own position, you will provoke very significant dislike and encounter some serious push back. If you don't even notice this and go on your merry way, fine. Until someone pulls the rug from under you.
But if you are capable of feeling the slightest discontent, resentment or worry when pushback happens to you, you won't feel great for very long. The constant desire for external self-affirmation will backfire.
This is why narcissists who are successful are those with traits closer or identical to those of psychopaths. Narcissists do feel shame, even though it is "more of a public emotion focused on the judgment of others, rather than regretting their wrongdoings".
Psychopaths, on the other hand, don't feel any remorse whatsoever when they do something bad; they simply don't care who gets hurt or how others feel about them.
Every psychopath is narcissistic but not every narcissist is a psychopath (thank God!).
Therefore, narcissists are limited. Narcissism is a disorder of self-esteem, as we now understand it. They are deeply insecure so they want everyone around them to feel insecure. Their defense is to drag everyone down so they can feel superior.
A Swiss study "indicates that scorers in narcissism tended to go on to experience more stress in life, such as illness, accidents and relationship breakups. Based on this, the researchers at the University of Bern concluded that “narcissism is maladaptive for the individual, because narcissistic individuals generate adverse events in their lives.”
I would ad adverse events in other people's lives, too.
(To be self-aware is a big step. Things can only go uphill.)
So, a psychopath is also someone who tends to be calculative, cunning, manipulative, exploitative but he is unable to feel anything at all, especially anxiety or any sort of vulnerability, even for an instant. Psychopaths are wired differently.
No doubt that a narcissist's life involves a lot of effort, a lot of worry or negative feeling, a lot of disappointments, a lot of failures. Some people may say " so what?!" Imagine feeling deeply hurt whenever someone doesn't pay any attention to you. How awful can it get ? Most of the time, when people don't pay any attention to you, it's simply because they haven't even seen you, not because they don't like you. Experiencing frequent social and emotional pain for such things is common in narcissists.Their lives are no bed of roses.
In politics, social media and celebrity culture we see some who seem to make it but we don't see what goes on behind closed doors.
We don't see the ones who fail and fall by the wayside, defeated and alone. Descriptions such as "Narcissists engage in risky behavior, hold an unrealistic superior view of themselves, are over-confident, show little empathy for others, and have little shame or guilt" are correct but fail to express the totality of the narcissistic experience. It is not a pleasant one.
Nameless narcissist, you have identified your needs and "grandiose" delusions about your own importance and you give a good description of your absence of "shame" - that's pretty amazing and a good thing. One sees clearly how you have used people, put them in boxes (functions) and assigned them a very clear, particular role. You actually really need some of them for what they make you FEEL. Makes sense.
If you don't fully understand how to fulfill your human needs, you will appreciate learning more and more about basic human nature. Each one of us is flawed and life is hard.
As you are learning, I'm sure, life without spontaneity and a little innocence and blind trust is terribly repetitive, tiring and complicated.
Wanting stuff all the time leads to frustration.
Scheming, conniving, calculating all the time is exhausting and yields little gain unless you are Machiavel in person.
Fearing to be unrecognized as a super superior person is the surest way to hell because geniuses and saints go ignored or mistreated all the time.
One must be so vigilant all the time.
You can only end up being in quasi constant fear of disappointment, injury or collapse.
That's no way to live.
One could think that trampling over others and leaving a trail of emotional damage around you - while remaining insulated against feeling bad about yourself, would be a great advantage in life. It would except that life happens and those narcissists who succeed are few and far in between.
Your videos are full of content. Thank you.
Cheers, mate, from Paris, France.
They do not finish well though. Listen to Sam Vaknin video - Old Narcissist. Very informative...
Victims treat narc in the old age narcissistically - meaning after abuse victims have no compassion for abuser, which is fair in my opinion.
We can not have empathy forever.
I do not abuse my ex but I am giving him silent treatment forever and I thrive that he wishes he can have me as "confidante" to be as stupid as I was before.
He was on a high horse by devaluing me.
No more, now I am smiling and he is miserable 😂🤣😂Karma!
Thanks for this outline 👍🤗
Thank you so much for turning your diagnosis into awareness. I know it can’t be easy, but much appreciated. The last person you spoke of, I could hear love in your tone of voice. This changed my perspective that all narcissists are not cold hearted
Real narcissists are incapable of love as they're incapable of empathy.
Because he is BPD as well. Your is probably a good old psyhopath :)
I hope narcissistic all heal they are deserving to heal 🙏 this is a spiritual battle they have access to healing if the choose to do so!!!
🙏🙏
This below the surface explanation brings a lot of clarity in how you view and navigate your relationships.
This kind of sounds like the cast of a sitcom...
[ this is the 2nd part out of 3 of my preceding comment. Sorry, really too long, won't do it again, promise!]
For vulnerable narcissists or less self-assured narcissists, resentment at just anything that doesn't happen the way they wish eventually becomes huge and invading (like the notification sound of your computer, you know?). They get irritated, annoyed. Control is a big issue. Depression and feelings of anxiety slow them down.
It is logical to think that when one attributes great importance to external factors, one will be distracted, annoyed and angry often. Non-stop, sometimes.
What happens is that you realize you don't control much.
That's a problem when you count on control to be happy and get what you want. You feel at the mercy of "something" most of the time. You experience moments of triumph and relief when someone or something comes through for you but this is like playing roulette : exhilarating at first but it gets old, very quickly...
Willing others into making you FEEL good and help you attain your most important goals simply means total DEPENDENCY on others : you are their slave. Either you accept that or you don't, but you can't have it both ways. It's like being dry and wet at the same time; just can't happen. If others are to be and do what you want, that means that you have to make them. Therefore, you depend on them.
You are not free and even if you control their behavior, you can't control it 100%, especially with no effort.
Good, caring humans all have some narcissistic traits in them which will cause them to defend themselves in order to survive and thrive, if possible. They too can lie, deceive, betray, underperform and change their mind. If you hook up with people who are easy targets of narcissists because they carry trauma and vulnerabilities and believe in saving others from their darkness, you get it easy at first but in the long run, you will hurt them so much that you won't get what you want out of them. You can't beat a dead horse.
Sometimes, the sensitive, loving, open, trauma ridden will outsmart the narcissist and overpower him or her too, because there is nothing as powerful and determined as the sudden wrath of innocence betrayed, once their eyes are open. They will hunt you down to the end of the world.
You can delude yourself all you want into thinking that you are manipulating them like puppets, you are only half-right: you are their obligés and puppet too.
Therefore, how could you not become defensive, and how could you not scan for hostile behavior or betrayal or underperformance all the time?
This is a narcissistic way to live that is pretty horrifying and risky and you probably sense that, deep down. If, at the same time, you feel you have no other choice but are convinced that this is all you've got, you are in for a lot of stress, huge disappointments and a very bitter end.
Having to control what people think, feel, and do for you all the time is a lot of work and very hypothetical.
One is better off taking responsibility and getting what one needs by working with whatever he's got inside. Wanting more that one is capable of attaining is very dangerous. Relying on pretense and manipulation is even more dangerous.
For example, I know narcissists who have spent their lives getting their spouses, family and friends to earn the money they needed : it was huge work for them, my goodness. It involved endless manipulations, moments of short-lived triumphs, fits of rage, moments of collapse and endless dissatisfaction as it required an enormous amount of coaxing, pretending, lying, faking, bullying, paranoia and all that for results that were not that grandiose.
They had to stay on top of things 24/7. It's a full-time job. Sure, some succeeded in acquiring important material possessions -- they led their victims to grief or suicide without taking any responsibility but they are not fulfilled, peaceful and enjoying what they've got in the least.
They are not to be envied simply because, even though they have won the war and have gotten rid of the fear of lacking, they reign in the ruins of a battlefield no one wants to get even near. They KNOW who they are and can think only of one thing : they should have had much more, they were victims and it's everyone else's fault !
People around them know also who they are, by now. They may not show it, but they know. Aging narcissists are never admired or deeply loved. Now they have to buy people since their charm is long gone.
They are hated, or feared for their remaining capacity for malevolence or tolerated for what they will leave behind...or out of a minimal sense of duty. The ego has nothing to feel ecstatic about.
Those narcissists were all intelligent, capable and healthy enough to go out and earn the money themselves, with just regular challenges and without having to destroy anybody.
But no, no way. They seem to have been convinced that manipulating others into doing it for them, while at the same time claiming loud and clear that they were doing it all by themselves, was all that they could do. Once the dust settles, it is clear to see. Foolishness, pain, misery and time wasted.
Their apparent supreme goal was to prove that they were entitled to being offered the best of everything on a silver platter without having to lift a finger. How strange. That's not how life works, anywhere. Not for bees, not for wolves, not for people. Even kings and queens have it rough, have to work extra hard and endure all kinds of misfortunes and disappointments.
The platter is rarely in silver and effort is always required.
Well, if it were possible that ordinary people could get anything they wanted by just lying and using others, we would know about it by now, wouldn't we ?! [ for those who want to read on, please see 3 rd comment.] If not, cheerios!
Yes. I do have contempt for people who harm others Intentionally.
That sounds way too fucking much like the dynamic of the borderline and their favourite person, or at least how I experience mine
Jacob, this was a really interesting listen. Thank you for being open about your “characters” or designated spots to the people around you. I would be really be interested in hearing more about what you mention at 2:00 minutes in… the person the narcissist admires but cannot talk to. Please talk more about this ♥️
For me it's the confidante/the person understands me, the person who is like me, the person who confides in me, and the person who is the person I want to be or the person who can make me feel like I'm the person I want to be, and the person who regulates my self esteem, the close special person.I hope you found this comment interesting❤
I'm the solution seeker
The one that fixes everything, does everything, & more.
I set clear boundaries which get violated frequently.
I finally set up consequences for those violations and now she is respecting me more.
She punishes me for not being able to read her mind.
she hates me but she needs me.
"She punishes me for not being able to read my mind."
As someone on the autism spectrum, this is a big beef I have with neurotypicals. It has to do with 'theory of mind' - intuitively anticipating the actions and values of others and acting accordingly. Really though, every time I hear "Use common sense!" to criticise me, it translates as "Read my mind!" Very annoying, and as wide a swathe it cuts from my field of acquaintances, I have no tolerance for it.
The story of the two wolves
An old Cherokee Indian chief was teaching his grandson about life.
He said, "A fight is going on inside me," he told the young boy, "a fight between two wolves.
The Dark one is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego." He continued, "The Light Wolf is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you grandson…and inside of every other person on the face of this earth.”
The grandson ponders this for a moment and then asked, "Grandfather, which wolf will win?"
The old Cherokee smiled and simply said, "The one you feed".
I thought that last bit of testimonial so moving, carry on, you are doing such a great job at understanding yourself and healing. Narcs are people too. It’s a piece of you, a big one but there are some other parts that are growing through this process. I am sure you are inspiring many silent Narcs out there, to start explaining their experience so that we can all become more educated and understanding. You were victims before being seen as perpetrators because of the defenses you created. It’s a shit deck of cards to be handed. Doing these videos must be disconcerting to say the least but Wow, it’s such a step towards a more integrated you.
Yes,I call them circles around me,like i can visualize,and where each person belongs to. I am also NPD. Great idea of topic.
With my bpd favorite person, I think of it as anyone who will allow me to use them emotionally and inevitably make it one sided. I have back up favorite people that I haven't fully let see me totally vulnerable yet, but they think they have. And I'm very emotionally supportive of my back ups, because I don't fully need them. I dont think of them as better or worse than the other, but more who is more likely to take care of me completely and not leave me. When one is done I instantly have a new one, without really missing the old one much :( although my favorite persons last years. None of this was conscious or planned out until therapy. When I found out I do this I felt like shit. I'm glad your posting about this , it reduces people's shame. It appears to me that narcissists seem to use a whole friend group as supply in a way that kind of looks like my favorite persons.
As a BPD person, can you tell me why would you chase your ex for 20 years hypothetically?
I have that case, I am no contact and happily married.
What you would find so important to hoover someone every couple of years, I wonder.
Ex is NPD/BPD and is married but I think he is miserable and empty.
My no means no but he is still trying 😵💫
I'd rather be to myself or with family than to subject my friends to my stuff .
I hope I’m my current narc’s person that can help them. I’ve prayed about it a lot & I do have hope for him. I can see the potential in him & can encourage him to get help but know I can’t do it for him. I’m trying to heal myself of my bpd & also going to school for counseling. I’ve applied a lot of what I’ve learned in counseling & how I’ve let God heal me to our relationship. To be clear, we’re not in a relationship & will never be. But I do have a soft spot for him while at the same time hold him accountable & hold boundaries with him. I can also see things from his perspective since I’m also a cluster B. Sometimes I do want to hurt him bc I know I can & he’s hurt me deeply but ultimately that’s not who I am as a person or who I want to be. I’m a healer at heart. If I did hurt him, idk what I’d do with myself.
Love and pace yourself.
Thank you for being so vulnerable ... That is an admirable trait to have 🎀
I’ve been that person and it is draining, I’m the closest friend ( ex spouse ). we know each other so well. It is exhausting.. and a full time job . It’s like having an adult child honestly. No matter what I understand and don’t always like or agree with.
CF speaking here ; well we become caregivers..in a sense.
UNDERSTANDING SOMEONES HUMAN MIND WITHOUT JUDGEMENT AND AT THE SAME TIME CAN SPEAK TO THEIR SOUL IS ONE OF THE MOST POWERFUL CONNECTIONS OF LOVE THAT WILL ONLY HAPPEN ONCE IN A LIFETIME.
I'm from Brazil and I saw your interview on Canal da Taryana Rocha and it helped me a lot to understand how the Narcissist's mind works. Since I was a victim of one for 7 years. I left the relationship 5 months ago and I'm still in a delicate mental moment. Understanding more helps with healing. Thanks.
Thank you, nameless narcissist ! This is so telling and helpful as you show us your intimate, reasoning process. You analyze yourself well and I can tell you that this is useful for those of us who need to really understand the meanders of your type of functioning.
Allow me to say that the fact you have come to a sort of dead end at some point is a very good sign: you have it in you to change what needs to be changed, and to be a lot happier !
Self-awareness is not easily accessible, to say the least : good for you.
If I may, I would suggest that exploring "Existential Therapy" could give you a formidable edge in order to turn around some of the false beliefs that might have driven you about life's deep meaning and about what truly satisfies humans -- that stuff that goes way beyond obvious needs and wants.
All humans are mistaken about one thing or another and we all learn as we go : it's human!
Knowing yourself, as you are discovering, is a painful and long process but it yields incredible rewards. If you were to put your ingenious and agile mind to work deeply on that, God knows what you could attain.
You have just described why most narcissists cannot be happy or succeed at feeling satisfied : they spend every second of their time attempting to control things, people AND their own feelings and emotions at the same time.
That says it all : it's an impossible task. It is doomed to fail. This endeavor may be successful in the short term, but no more.
If everything you feel and want depends on something totally outside of yourself, say on somebody else's reactions, actions or feelings, man, you're in trouble, aren't you ?
I’ll share some of my own findings for anyone who is interested and stumbles on this, as I have been studying and researching various types of narcissism in depth. Personal encounters have taught me a lot.
Otherwise, stop here! 🤪
If anyone relies solely on external objects to feel this and that way about himself or herself (on people, events, things, ideas), it's probably because they don't know any better or feel absolutely compelled, otherwise they wouldn't do it.
Therefore, there is plenty of room to learn and redirect our intelligence and energy force.
Psychopaths can get away with self- serving "narcissistic" behavior because they are “superhypernarcissists” with a TWIST.
They are very different : they don't need to control their own EMOTIONS -- they have NONE, or they can turn them off at will. Now, this is an entirely different ballgame. They are wired differently from calculating narcissists or other calculating humans, for that matter.
Their façade and methods are the same as narcissists, but they are charming and calculating MACHINES. They don't need to feel good about themselves or have any connection with anyone. They let the chips fall wherever they may and move on untouched, unworried, devoid of rumination. To put it simply, they are not plagued by self-questioning or self-esteem ups and downs.
Also, there are different dimensions of narcissism and the emotional outcome completely depends on which CATEGORY you fall into : if you fall into the category that is labeled "vulnerable" narcissism for lack of a better word - meaning sensitive to doubt, prey to low self-worth behind a false-self, and very dependent on others' admiration, involvement and blind loyalty - feeling happy and content can quickly evade you.
Some narcissists are winners in education, work and romance because their self-centeredness and feeling of superiority is such that it makes them very self-confident and very persistent: they truly believe that they are more and deserve more.
If one adds to that a satisfied disdain for moral values, especially socially oriented rules of conduct, and on top of that an innate ability to fake whenever necessary good will and good faith, one can anticipate some degree of success.
Why ?
Besides the obvious advantage there is in life of always feeling good about ourselves and of having the capacity to work extremely hard, the fact that scruples (or feelings of understanding and sharing with others) hardly exist or don't interfere with our single-minded selfish decisions and behaviors makes it a lot easier to move on through life, obviously ! This isn't new or surprising but perfectly logical.
These individuals's egotistical behavior is known to be very damaging for society in general, but not to themselves. As a matter of fact, it is the antithesis of good societal conduct since lack of interest for the global Good, callousness and dishonesty at the individual level leads to the destruction of society's fabric which is based on good faith cooperation and healthy competition. We can be sure that absolute self-love and satisfaction, lack of awareness and care for others' feelings cannot be eternal. Life has a way of throwing at you stuff you don't want, no matter what.
Those narcissists may not obtain a sense of deep fulfillment, belonging or connecting but as long as they have what they need -- status, success at work, material means that entice others to be with them, they can feel pretty satisfied as long as they don't encounter serious mishaps or setbacks. They are characterized by "high levels of resilience and determination" but are likely to crumble at the first indication that they are not as great as they think they are.
In all the studies that were conducted, narcissistic students were "not cleverer, but were more confident and assertive and were able to overtake students who otherwise would have more ability", for example. Studies show that they are not more intelligent than other people but they are more CONFIDENT AND DRIVEN. They are highly opportunistic and single-minded.
Spectacularly, they can therefore perform better than very high IQ Gifted or deeply Gifted people for one very simple reason : they focus on one goal and ignore anything that could distract them from their single-mindedness. They always assume that they are better than anyone else.
In contrast, gifted children and adults are motivated by a keen sense of the world outside themselves as they perceive it with heightened senses and more complex neuronal paths than neuro-typical brains, which connect with all parts of the brain at the same time -- left, right, limbic etc. They tend to be extremely empathetic and altruistic because they detect, understand and feel inside exactly what others go through : hence they are also very interested in what is outside of themselves and what happens to others.
They are given to self-doubt because they are hard on themselves and deep existential thinking. They are not as interested in extrinsic rewards like money or fame or winning as others, but very driven by intrinsic values, like the sense of justice and fairness, the need to feel completely aligned with their inner self and the meaning of life, death and transcendence.
On the other hand, very strong "grandiose" narcissists who fall at the extreme end of the spectrum of narcissism have a single - minded, unique, huge, visceral obsession with themselves only in regard to status and power and not much else. They never doubt their over-inflated sense of importance. They don't need to feel loved, truly admired or supported or connected : they only demand the APPEARANCE of loyalty or submissiveness because the result is all that counts. In other words, they are blindingly self-sufficient and unaware of the overall picture. They see themselves as Gods. They have no idea how it feels to be thinking about the value of selflessness, magnanimity, self-denying, benevolence or philanthropy. They know those exist, mock them and use them.
In a sense, this describes someone who is not quite "human", since we commonly describe humans as being characterized by their ability to be self, SELF-CONSCIOUS and CONSCIOUS beings. Hence, guilt, shame, emotional intelligence, empathy and deeply felt joy or serenity (which is a consequence of consciousness and emotional intelligence) are not available to them. Their behavior is simple, one dimensional and efficient. They use fear to control and fake charm to attract.
Other narcissists, the vast majority, tend to want at least some kind of connection, meaning and re-assurance : one could say they want their cake and eat it too ? They are ambivalent and that's a lot more complicated.
Those run- of- the- mill narcissists create havoc and hurt people too. They cause confusion or agonizing feelings of self-doubt in their entourage as they fake interest, then feel some attachment, and know how to elicit it.
They are obsessed with how they feel and what they want, unable to perceive the world as something bigger than themselves. They calculate, they manipulate, they devaluate, and start over again, just like full-blown grandiose narcissists, and feel little or no remorse either ( little is a lot, though) BUT fear of failure, low self- esteem, impatience, uneasiness around other's suffering and shame is never very far underneath. Let's say that their layers of pretense and their fear of failing aren't thick enough and that they are aware of what is going on around them.
In other words, they doubt themselves.This leads to ever-increasing resentment against anyone or anything that doesn't behave just right because then, they feel that they are being made to feel bad by others. They experience hot anger, rage, desires for revenge, envy : all very unpleasant feelings to have, not conducive to feeling terrific and victorious.
Full-blown grandiose rather than vulnerable narcissists experience cold hate instead. They will get back at you swiftly and mercilessly but won't spend too much time on it: they have nothing to prove to themselves or anyone else. You are just an insect they need to crush in passing. [This is way too long, sorry. The end in following comment...]
Maybe you've projected how you wish your parents are onto the person you compete with but also have respect for? Super interesting and love how open you are!
This is interesting... first time Ive ever heard someone describing my role being "that one person". I started to realize this and felt i was being to heavily relied on and loved and hated at the same time. Lol. I truly care about them but boundaries was a must! Thx for sharing.
I respect how transparent and reflective you are being. Thank you for sharing
Wow, thank you for your honesty, Jacob! It was eye-opening.
Empaths see this world in an absolutely different way. Honestly as an empath, I still don't understand why narcissists need to be better than everyone else. For example, I do know a lot of people are better than I am in lots & lots of spheres. SO WHAT????????? I don't have a problem about it. I can be better at something than other people are. Other people can be better at something else than I am. But why do I have to worry that someone is better than I am at something??? I still don't understand that. This is how empaths usually see it.
And I never wanted to become popular. I just don't need it. This is honest! I just need to be good at my trade. That's it. I feel uncomfortable when I'm at the centre of attention. This is how many empaths see this world.
Thank you for your honesty, Jacob. It was eye-opening
I completely relate! Don’t care for competitiveness or popularity. I’m most comfortable on the sidelines as an observer, however, I have a rich inner life too.
Very interesting to hear the narcissist perspective.
Not trying to be rude, why do you feel the need to constantly repeat you're an empath and talk about how empaths "see it" like you do realize that people with empathy don't all act a specific way right. plenty of empaths care whether people are better than them and want to be popular. it's not an identity, it's barely a trait
With respect it is a specific personality type. I dislike the word empath, as it has mystical connection when it has specific biological markers. The main one is a hypersensitive nervous system that intensifies emotions, and is present in 3or 4% of the population, and is either a blessing or a curse...in my case its a curse. One because of health issues, and secondly because you are not susceptible to propaganda and social engineering, so you have to be careful what you say, or you'll end up a pariah, and you learn that the hard way.
Indoctrinated and infantile
We swallow every insane lie
As denial, blind hope, and optimism
Hold up walls that are our prison
Data, stats, who needs that?
They're just a bunch of useless facts
That only makes me feel uneasy
A little sick, a little queasy
It's the migrants, no, its the Jews
So many scapegoats, its hard to choose?
It's the migrants, no, its the Jews
So many scapegoats, its hard to choose?
And look out for those neo Marxists
Hiding at home in your bread baskets
Now I haven't studied history
Or any political economy,
Don't know shit about psychology
Or the development of society
I haven't studied anything at all
No diplomas hang upon the wall
But I know all that there is to know
Because Jordan Peterson told me so
Now I'm registered with Jobster
Looking for work as a lobster
So, hold on tight, we're going down
Slavish fools to knaves and clowns
No, money left for the sick and poor
It's all been spent on endless war
And edumacation, who needs that
When it's all downloadable on an app?
Faster than the world's revolving
Humanity is fast devolving
While Donald Drumpf is no one's heroe
Why he's a fiddler just like Nero
Can't believe it's come to this
My God, we're flucking idiots.
"The development of the theory of positive disintegration began in Dąbrowski's earliest Polish works, as reflected in his 1929 doctoral thesis. His first work in English (1937) also contained seeds of the theory. His next major English work was his 1964 book Positive Disintegration. He proposed that the key to mental growth was having strong "developmental potential" (DP): a constellation of psychological factors that are genetically inherited. Strong DP often leads to the disintegration of existing psychological structures. These disintegrations allow the individual to volitionally reorganize their priorities and values, leading to psychological growth.[1] "
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Positive_disintegration
You don't have inner shame and your brain is not sending constant messages like you are worthless etc. It is a brain disorder - meaning their brain looks totally different inside with big holes where connections, empathy, love, self-awareness and so on should be.
It is as if they do not have hands.
Look into MRI scan of their brain.
I try to remind my friend all the time , we need to be Grateful 🙏🏽 and accepting of the Divine Decree/Fate of the Creator . We aren't in total control and at the end of the day we are all here to serve in some way or another.
I think I was the sidekick to a narcissist, but had to leave the relationship when the abuse patterns became apparent, would it be possible that the narcissist does mild abuse to the sidekick when in social groups to assist dominance?
Thank you so much for this video! I just recently began to understand that the guy I dated for a little more than a year (I´m still occasionally in touch with him) is a narcissist. The way you describe your relationship with the people close to you is so similar to his way of relating to people. I´m truly fascinated by this personality disorder.
I think "chosen person" is more of an aspd thing, special person is more of an npd thing because they are idealized and regarded as special.
Dude narcissist DO NOT HAVE LIMITLESS LOYALTY😂😂😂😂
Says who? lol
Loyalty to the version of you that they need. Infinite loyalty to the idea they have attached to you.
It’s not a healthy loyalty. My narc stalkers never stop wanting me back in their circle on some levers. I’ve never had one cut me off, I’ve cut them off and they tell people they wish I’d get over it so they could still have me in their life. Never had a narc who didn’t want me on their terms. Ever!
@@littlebitty2731 They have ZERO loyalty! they are constantly stabbing you in the back, behind your back, talking shit about you TO EVERYONE, spreading lies about YOU...They dont discard you because your easy pray, i know i have a very infected family and had a few friends same, i CUT every single one of THEM out of my life, and yes if i wanted back in...THEY have ME in a heart beat because their abuse of treating me like crap and me always the ultimate forgiver putting up with their crap, letting it roll off for soooo long, fighting to get notmalcy or resolve...NEVER to be had, IMPOSSIBLE with someone who is truly a narc! they were addicted to my tolerance of their CRAP until i wasnt, once i walked they were obsessed and still are hatefully OBSESSED with me because I DUMPED their asses! BUT loyalty? just because they want you around is NOT LOYALTY...its manipulative using you to fulfill their nastiness because you stay... meaning, you are willing to put up with their abuse, so why dump perfectly willing good supply???
Loyal if you are giving them something. Transactional relationships.
You look sad. I'm sorry for you. I do believe you can change. May you find blessings in Him. Shalom
It’s contradictory because you trained the protégé, but when they learned what you were trying to teach them, you devalued them. A healthy person would be proud of a protége’s success.
A narcissist will never really be healthy minded. They can be self aware and seek or learn not to devastate people to get supply for their bottomless pit ego, but the disorder is always there. In some ways it's like mental illness. it's always there, but can be managed w/ various interventions. Only people w/ mental illness are far more likely to seek help and people w/ personality disorders rarely do.
Narcisist ALWAYS devalue every relationship. This is how they make themselves feel better ( only way).
@@NMTDelightfulMusic I'm not sure that's true. I think that's part of the mythos of it. He doesn't seem to ever devalue the Christian in his life, because the Christian has been amazingly consistent. He seems to admire him, w/out putting him on a pedestal. It would be interesting though if that person let him down by having a moral slip.
@@saintejeannedarc9460 It seems to me that personality disorders are synonymous with mental illness.
Also, who are you referring to when you say “the Christian in his life”? Just anyone he knows who is a Christian and consistently supportive of him?
@@JessCyph I think you're right that personality disorders are a type of mental illness. Dr. Ettensohn, who treats is thinks so. His channel is Heal NPD, very compassionate man.
Jacob mentioned a Christian he knows that he seems to really admire. He describes this person as really consistently kind and such.
Do you think a person that loves a narcissist should be treated like scum -worthless -void of being seen as anything but dirt and destroyed
Your a powerful man with a great heart looks and smarts and have a great channel
Help others not to trash each other and learn to love
Bro its nothing to do with you, they are who they are if its me you or anybody else, their message to you that you have a such a power inside you that:
1. You don't know about
2. They can't handle it
3. Find someone like you who deserve it 😁👌👍
@@Samalba101 your statements ring true , I’m left with my love for them while another part is missing , it’s been almost 50 years since perfection turned into illness , it’s kinda a burning ember about such loss , I bring this to god. Why what a waist of the gifts you give us forgive me god for not knowing what to do to make love the only thing that matters
@Steve Kirschman leave your love with them. You have an infinite supply of love inside you, reconnect & the whole world with you ♥️ 👍🙏
@@Samalba101 🩵
@@stevekirschman354 It was never perfection. Your spent enough time on it, set yourself free.
I was in that position,they will turn on you and throw you under the bus!!
They are your "flying monkies,"minions, and assigned players that are necessary to ensure your victory of the subzero game they are forced to engage in, which is the subzero game that you confuse with life.
Watching this crying. Man your videos are better than anything out there. I’m that last friend to my my narcissist “bff”. Pretty sure I’m one too. But no matter how many people tell me to dump him. I refuse. I love him. He’s not evil. Yeah. It’s rough being friends with him and awful and amazing. And I’m never giving up on him.
Take care of yourself first pls
Concerning that last person, you're right, it is a responsibility. If he knows you well enough to know what he's dealing w/ and there's a disordered person w/ huge trust issues, then he knows he (or she) is dealing w/ precious cargo.
In true friendship, we reciprocate our 'emotional energy' freely. No one has to 'earn' our energy. A healthy soul freely expresses our energy in a feminine light to shine healing light onto others.
Your videos are so interesting, thank you so much for spreading awareness.
Wow! Such a great message! Thanks a million! It means a lot, that you give me so much insight with your videos. ❤ Many greetings from Germany. 🤗
I don't care how loyal honest loving supportive caring and faithful I was to my ex, he still lied, manipulated, devalued, raged, gas lit, cheated, tried to break me, spoke badly about me to his family & friends, and disrespected me. The entire time, I thought I was giving him what he wanted, and it still wasn't enough. When you've taken all you can take and I've given all I can give. You walk away & go find someone to replace me and live happily ever after. And act like I was the problem. Good luck playing your next role. I hope your mask doesn't slip and ruin your next situation also... Better glue it on real good...
I'll take "Shit I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy" for $800, Alex.
It’s awesome that you can talk about this my man. You’re a huge help thank you bro!
A friend who I let stay with me told me I was his favorite person.
Whenever I left the house, he would call In people to haul off my stuff!
Sounds like you’re asking to be loved. Are you an empath magnet? I’m new to this channel. You’ve already given me some insight into my own behavior. I thank you.
Thank you for the last part. Made me look at my situation a lil differently.
12:50 onwards I relate with kinda, I hold so much admiration for this person and as much as I question everybody else's opinions, I don't question theirs, yet I'm at a thing where I have to be better than them and downplay everything they do, which sounds f*cked up but it makes me feel better about myself. I can compliment this person but with no actual meaning with it, everything i say just feels fake, but at the same time I can't let this person go and won't. I do the most vile things to this person when i feel like im being judged, yet always manage to stop them from leaving me and finding a way to blame them and they end up believing its their fault. I was in denial for so long, but it's 100% manipulation, but i can't stop. But one thing that's different with this favourite person is my loyalty. I realised in past relationships i wouldn't cheat but i wouldn't be as loyal but it was because i was betrayed. When my favourite person betrays me it feels like the end of the world, but will never let anyone see that. I ended up doing cruel things out of spite, yet with this person i've been 100% loyal. Maybe it's because i might be obsessed but i doubt it, it's probably because i know exactly how to hurt this person and really send them into a spiral. I don't really feel bad about it because I'm not thinking about anyone's feelings while I'm saying certain things, I just see a goal and push everyone away until I get there, and only until after I've achieved my goal I then realise what I left behind. But I genuinely cannot feel any sympathy for them no matter how much I want to, I just feel like every emotion I give is completely fake and I just want to be able to give someone 100%. I'm constantly judging people to hide my own insecurities about being judged but I can never show that weakness to anyone. Hell, even made a whole fake account to comment here so no one will know who I am, regardless I don't care if anyone thinks I'm an a**hole, It's the 21st century, life's hard, wear a helmet. People get hurt all the time.
Your condition makes things hard and some of your ways to feel better about yourself are short term measures that will leave you feeling worse about yourself in the end. Achieving your goals won't feel good and may feel worse than you do now. I value the insights you have given here. You are good at describing your experience and I appreciate your bravery in commenting here. I think you would do well if you sought help and I wish you well.
You are correct as in people get hurt all the time. I was raised in a narcissistic family, married one and spent 12 years in a relationship with another one, I've been in hospitals since the age of 12 and on medications as well, I'm a cluster b and it's not easy living with myself but it's better than waiting to ever be noticed or valued by anyone else. After my last suicide attempt and hospitalization I learned I was misdiagnosed and for my ex I hope they all get help instead of trying to save others,they are great manipulators who could care less if you're alive or dead and they don't care what part they play as long as they are right and have dominance, power,and control. They don't care who they abuse and can be very educated and knowledgeable and get pleasure out of watching you suffer, you can go to them and let them know you fucked up but you will be punished for years on end all while they are doing the same thing and probably more,they care about what you provide, I was loyal and today 2 years post breakup I still care,grieve,and hurt but I try to put as much effort into myself, learn my own value, and self worth,I'm still working on self acceptance but know this some people are just as capable of taking your life after you have abused them for so long when put under the right circumstances
really appreciate your insights and testimony 🙂
I am a dark empath but i behave like this with one person you termed as a sidekick. I don't have a lot of emotions but I am most loyal to this person cuz he has proved his loyalty to me over more than 10 years. He doesn't approve of my actions but he has never betrayed me. So I really care as much as a person like me can about just this one person.
The more you think and talk the smarter you get!!!! ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you for your video. Good of you to share about your narcissism and be honest. Thank you for sharing your personal problems it's been interesting listening and helps with my studying. I hope you have a good happy future and continue putting the work into yourself 😊
I"m going to need to really think about this for a while. thank you.
I’ve been binge watching your videos. Keep up the content! 💪🏾🔥💯
My ex used to call me her "Favorite" person. Extremely manipulative woman, lots of betrayal, lots of cheating, lots of ups and downs and meaningless small fights. Lasted a year. On the other hand, i'm pretty sure I have something wrong with me too, as I was similar in different ways. I'm certain she has NPD Traits if not full NPD.
I'm definitely thinking I may have NPD or other traits in some other disorder, i'm not even sure anymore.
All narcs have same kind of eyes
I thought that but can't put my finger on it. They seem unfocused and angled down at the corners?
Empty
Yes! First thing I’ve noticed when I found this channel
All I see is a wall (or a shell)
yep. I totally agree!
I am loving this channel. I love discovering what makes people tick and you’ve been so helpful in my understanding of narcissism. Your ability to self reflect is surprising. At times I’ve questioned myself in thinking my husband is a narc because sometimes he can self reflect (it’s rare and pretty shallow though)
Do these people that happen to be your favourite know that you're a narcissist?
Thank you for your testimony, it's helping.
and now, here we are actually virtually capturing our "friends" in our box under our desk or that machine we carry around in our pockets. "I'd like to put you in my pocket and take you home" became our collective reality. The majority of our friendships and relays can be dominated by segmenting fractional and a construct for all intents and purposes. The conquest is to maintain a heart soul conection with Everybody you ever meet. because it's a great equalzer and you then dont have to keep track of all the files. what is abnormal thinking?
For BPD its Loyalty over everything.
I'm BPD for me I can forgive disloyalty if they are truly very sorry for causing me pain and can own up and explain what their underlying insecurities were at the time and now want to fully mend the relationship and stop with the put downs. I can forgive almost any "disloyalty" as long as they are committed to rebuilding trust with me so that I feel super safe and cozy with them. It's when someone hurts me or betrays me and my trust again and again and have ZERO remorse or interest in mending the relationship that I go absolutely ballistic and get rage that consumes me and I start watching A LOT of True Crime for a few weeks until I cool off.
The ones highest on the hierarchy are those that be can give them what they want. Or, is it the person they want to be but can't. Ever. ?
So interesting to hear that this person can be emotionally withholding and remain within the narc's circle, I would think they wouldn't want that
My best friend is my favorite person. I’ve had the same best friend my entire life. I’m not diagnosed but I believe I may have ASPD slightly. My favorite person is diagnosed Borderline, so we definitely have some explosive episodes but she feels accepted by me and vice versa.
Really enjoying your content, thank you Jacob ❤
As the favorite person, would you say their mask partially comes off?
Enjoying your channels. I have been off for some years but I am really enjoying the content of your channel.
Incredibly interesting, I have a question to you: does the "favorite person" know what you think about them? Do you ever communicate to them what you just described to us? Or are they unaware of the role they play in your life? 11:20
My NPD cousin mother was her confidante/doormat/reliable person... The level of disgust she had in her voice when talking about her to me was unbelievable. I was disgusted just listening to her and her lack of empathy. And she was saying how her mother is sad and talk about how her narc mother ( cousin grandmother) was a cold mother. And the cousin will never tell her mother her real opinion, she despises her ...
So they do not say...
Thank you so much for sharing! The mind of a self-aware narcissist is fascinating. I hope you find peace and happiness.
“Favorite person” is the indicative trait of the Borderline, my friend!
🦋
Aw ❤ be responsible. :(
I’ve been a favorite person
I’ll never be the same
For sure the narcissists ' partner is NOT the favourite person,and guess what ,i am not surprised😢😮the actual partner is really low on the list of favourite people ,they are the ones who receive all the bad treatment😢,supernice to everyone,and superbadvto the person they are with😮....
Dude, that's interesting. You're maybe talking about true empaths?
Sems these guys tend to trigger NARs in a very specific way.
I feel like I was the favorite person but also the partner and I felt the admiration but also like he was always trying to get my praise and be better than me. It was exhausting. I wasn’t withholding I was truthful. I felt the responsibility heavily and I ultimately failed. Resentment and denial can have unforeseen consequences.
Thanks but no thanks. Been there, done that. No contact forever
Thank you for sharing your own thoughts. It will help us heal through giving us info on how your mind works. 👍
I am highly intuitive and there have been various expressions of sincerity in this talk. I’m more inclined by your gestures and talk that your personality is more shaped by being raised by narcissists.
Idk which group i fall under because i can see him and read him better than anyone,i see under his mask,im also extremely patient which him even after him putting me down and multiple times cheating on me. I have tried breaking things off with him multiple times but he tells me im never getting away from him and uses the fact that i dont lose love for him against me as a way of getting me to cave. I want to leave him but not because i dont love him ,its because i know i cant count on him when i need him . He discards other ppl like they are nothing so im guessing im in one of the groups even though i dont think im favorite person because his insults tell me he doesn't really respect me
This is fascinating because the 5th person is the one I want to date so desperately. My father is the one who caused my narcissistic wounds and I deeply want to learn from my partner but I end up feeling like I’m in a competition. My ex and our relationship was that.
Nice video setup! That first minute was great I already decided I was listening all the way through to the end... Maybe that's a formula you can use... A lot of cheesy lollipops at the end of the video aren't enough to keep me going and they're obviously bids for getting the numbers they want as opposed to really helping. I didn't get that feeling the way you set this up at all. I felt like a good teacher would set it up The main lesson is going to be taught first by outlining everything else that makes up the entire setup and then the final piece will be revealed right there once you've got some understanding under your belt... Nice job
I recently cut off the narcissist in my life. I am his chosen one and he didn't appreciate it.
Well said at the end. I've taken that advice. Thank you!
Is someone better than them so they have someone to tear down !
HG Tudor is the most interesting, informative narcissist.
I was going ask if this best person for you is on the cluster b spectrum. Thanks for explaining at the end. I wonder if this is Nicole ♥️ This was super helpful info Jacob 🤜🏻🤛🏻
HOLY SHIT! Have watched a few of your videos, learned so much! Appears self worth is the core issue (not a clinician myself), just raised by a narcissist (so yes have my own issues to deal with) and "the favorite" in a long term relationship. You guys ARE TRULY VERY INTELLIGENT people, it's the unresolved hurt (or other pain/issues) inside of you guys that I see. Please know competition is health until a certain age, need to evolve/mature to cooperation (and that is difficult for even "neuotypical type people" especially in this over tech world). Just try and be less self absorbed (not a martyr). PS. Found that being on hikes or out in nature has appeared tremendously to have helped my long-term narcissist friend alot (their admission, as hard as I know it was for him to share that vulnerability (admission). Keep up the good work, and thanks for letting us see into your world/struggles, we all have things we can improve about ourselves (you really are not alone)! ❤
Can you do a part 2 on this topic?
I think I was both the person she felt understood by and the favourite person for my ex .. I say this because, as her longest relationship, she was making a lot of progress.. until she found another narcissist she got infatuated with .. then all of that impulsivity (mania? bipolar?) kicked in .. I had broken up with her because she cheated on me with this person so I suspect she felt betrayed? So she came back crawling but, after taking her back, she planned her leaving me at one of the lowest points in my life .. after telling me that she will keep doing that to me (cheat whenever she wanted) and I will always take her back (and then she said she loved me) .. I've been no contact for 2 months as I'm focusing on healing and I keep telling people I need to heal FAST because I KNOW she will be back but it's very hard to explain that even to a therapist.. she says we'll deal with what I need to do if she comes back but I keep explaining to her there is no if.. my question to you is: why would she hurt me so badly when I fulfilled not 1 but 2 roles in her life?
What’s up dude. I’ve been a victim of narcissistic people all my life. I’m now all alone and afraid to open up to anyone. I would say I’m toxic but not the way narcissistic people are. Can we talk sometime? I’m nice to narcissists.
Thank you sir you make it so easy for me!!!
Sorry, I understand your perspective and you are awesome. The thing is, I won't stay in a relationship with someone that's trying to destroy my character in every way possible whilst feeding on me and copying my actions to get better. I was the favorite guy and my life was miserable when I lived with him. He fucked me up real good and I am still paranoid haha.
I watched a shiiiiit ton of videos btw
your videos are addictingly interesting.
The only benefited person is the one the narc finds boringgggg. Tho I do appreciate his honesty 🎉🎉🎉
My mom taught me how to live and love a narcissist. I will never be ok. Every time I fall for someone he is a narcissist. I gave up so many nice guys because there was no attraction. What can a trauma therapist do? She can’t bring back my father. There was no closure even if I gave years to care for him.
I'm curious did your intimate relationships have a little of all your 5 favourites? And do you have narrisstic friends?
At least you recognized you are a narcissist.
My husband is fighting with me bcs I didn’t make him a planned list of what I am going to do tomorrow. I am also sick so chances are it won’t even get done. But he is neither controlling nor wrong and I am the problem.
Good news though. Narcissists are very good at making people want to pull out their hair and go outside and scream while running down the street naked. To outsiders, I would be the crazy one. Everyone would be saying ‘oh your poor husband’.
Omg I know you need to get out please!