@@casperinsight3524 I wish I had chosen that route. I learned the hard way, but definitely learned. It's not just the women though. The worst people I came across came to me behind the guise of a smile. An animal showing its teeth is often a warning signal. 💣
The term is slippery. These guys have a hidden agenda but seem so sweet and charming when they make a request. I tend to explode like a frilled-neck lizard after having been manipulated or cajoled into meeting their agenda and then I look like the mean guy for hurting the poor victim.
Casper Insight I have to say I really hated school because of the utter meanness going on all around me. I’d ask my mother why, why do they act that way and she’d say they just do. It started in fourth grade. 🤬
@@chriscunningham8807 I've noticed that Narcs often target naievely principled people, (since most people believe that others think like them, and so the principled will often initially reason and override their red flags until it builds up). They also enjoy pushing principled people to uncharacteristically explode confrontationally, as though they wish to make them operate from a negative vibration so that people view the target as the narc really is. Their intention is often to taunt, tarnish and torment principled targets in order to leave them tainted. Exploding or self critising gives them the negative supply they feed off as their intention is to chip away at your sense of self and project their character onto you. I swear these SOB's fell straight out of the crack of the devil's ass.
I’m getting divorced after 20 years of a manipulative passive aggressive wife. I’m done with people like that. My mother does the same stuff. Had a 1 hour visit at her place yesterday and I came away feeling angry and hurt. I’m done with her too. Anyone tries that on me again and I cut them from my life instantly. It’s hard to know when people are doing it first up, but I’ve leant that when I feel bad inside after speaking to someone, there’s a reason for it. Good company doesn’t make you feel bad. It’s a sneaky cruel way of putting you down without you knowing it. I’m 46 this month, it’s taken me 46 years to work it out. These videos have really helped. Thank you.
That's exactly how my husband feels every time after talking to his mum on the phone. We've cancelled our landline, changed our mobile numbers, cancelled social media. Only emails now. I'm sure she blames me for giving him the support to reduce contact we've been married 20yrs.
I did not understand just how destructive "passive aggression" is until I realized what I was dealing with. Those little "jabs" do not amount to anything individually, but cumulatively the jabs add up. You are correct; it is the tool of the Covert Narcissist and Borderline. Today, I can recognize that behavior a mile away.
@@tulip5210 depends on the person; in one person it.might be guilt messages that imply you don't show you care enough; in another person the passive aggression might be ignoring your presence or not answering when you speak; the variety of passive aggression is rich, but the message is always the same: you are inadequate and disappointing and not enough
What does this mean actually, when your child calls you a passive aggressive mother? I'm confused at what she is telling me? Is she saying I'm toxic? Or rude? And I have no idea how to fix this or why she thinks I'm like this? Or what? And my feelings are hurt now and I don't know what to think? I was trying to enjoy my daughter and her new babies and grandbabies. I must have done something wrong along the way?
I’d rather someone be direct than to manipulate me with guilt or sympathy. I don’t like indirect humor either. It feels like a test to see if you are clever enough to get the meaning. Again, a power play. Someone said “ If it feels icky, it’s probably toxic”. Passive aggressive feels icky. Sarcasm also plays a role in passive aggressiveness.
I hadn't considered how gross indirect humor can feel. You're right, that kind of testing can really do a number. The underlying truth is they probably don't think you're very clever. I struggle with feeling incompetent all the time, so I will watch out for that more
Sarcastic digs camouflaged as humor is their game.They don't insult directly like the overt.Instead their abuse is cloaked in dark sarcasm and after enough of these kind of remarks it become obvious.
Sarcastic people are difficult to be around, because they use it as a way to distract from who they really are & you can't just talk straight with them.
Listen and smile, agree what they do or I am suppose to do. Because he does just that sometime. Oh sure, that will happen but then it doesn't happen. Nothing he says is real.
Rachel u need good boundaries. Dont show ur caring side easily. Narcist will latch on u until u fall for for him. Expect to be looked after first. Learn to recognise not only red flags but yellow. The warnings before red. Once u see red it’s often late!
This would be an excellent video for teenagers and young people who are not married yet. Kids are not Whistling Dixie. They're absorbing into their register all of these bad habits when they will end up in, Al-Anon , in a sense because they really believe their parents were the right types of people to emulate.. wrong !!!
I’m more of a straight forward type of person. Do not come near me with that passive aggressive behavior. I dealt with that with the Narc that WAS in my life. I told him “Oh there’s a problem? Then why didn’t you just say something?” I knew he had a problem but I ignored him and played dumb and it actually frustrated him more. I was watching him struggle with the fact that i wasn’t letting him break me. It’s funny to see once you know what you’re dealing with but it’s also quite disturbing. Freaking Weirdos.
yes. They can't ask you a clear question or clarify things, that would render them weak and they can't handle a No. I wondered if it is common that narcs never ever ask one out. Not in a proper straight forward sense. It's always in a passive way...they use excuses all the time, at least that is my experience. I thought it was cute at first -shyness and bla. But it is NOT if it combines with all sorts of other weird behavior.
My husband's famous line is "well I work all day and pay the bills." This drives me crazy because this devaluates what I do all day as a stay at home mother to his 3 kids. I don't stop all day and night, holiday or not, vacation or not. He's right to a point but he has no idea what I take care of all day. And all the crap he does not have to take care of. Very upsetting!
you need to talk to him openly why he said that, it could be a response to what you said or asked him earlier about something. Talking directly with you partner without involving third party which includes social media, which could be a bad way to figure things out. I would not say who is right or wrong in your relationship and neither you should be judgemental but talk when you are calm and comfortable with him without jumping to conclusion as to what he might say or do next.
My dad did this to my mom for years until I said something to him. Finally understand that she doesn’t sit at home all day and both have they own roles in the relationship to bring to the table so can enjoy each other company after a long day
@@Jtshels98 Chances are he wasn't a true narc. I'm so happy he changed. I'm so proud of you for sticking up for your mom. True narcs will change for a week and go right back to the way they were. My husband sees me trying to move furniture and still sits there watching t. V. KNowing darn well I need help. He just doesn't care. I'm glad your parents figured it out with your help. Way to go.
My ex is passive aggressive, manipulative, sarcastic, uncommunicative, and gaslights. He’s also very charming and has chameleon like qualities. Is it any wonder I was on 4 medications for depression and anxiety.
They inflect reaction abuse by yelling and demeaning. If you take the bait, they will become real calm fast and call you crazy. They will then expect you to apologize as they pretend to be the victim. If you refuse, passive agressive and silent treatment ensues until you give in and apologize and accept the fake reality.
Yes. This sounds like an ex coworker. Would talk so much crap, and I even walked in on her talking about me but when I returned her snippyiness she would act surprised.
Ugh! Narc mother did this regularly to put me in my place in front of the step dad. She was always scapegoating and triangulating me to gain control. Once I clued in it was Game Over as I just remained non reactive.
Same, I am almost 30 and my mum keeps telling me how difficult her pregnancy was, and how hard was to breastfeed me , and how she gained weight and never lost it after being pregnant with me
My mom had pre-eclampsia and a bunch of other issues during her pregnancy with me and a risky C-section. If i had a dime for every time I heard the line "I almost died to have you" or even from my dad "she almost died having you", I would be rich. As though I had any control or choice in my birth being difficult or the fact i'm now 30 years old and don't OWE anyone a debt for being born.
They really are cowards. Sly nasty remarks behind your back. Never to your face. I confronted my "older" sister. She cried "why are you attacking me? Then she fabricated "HER" story, playing the victim!
My dad is overt narc and my mum is passive aggressive covert…. I was a scapegoat. Left home at 16, worked since 13. Got scholarship to college and became a doctor, now my mum says “have you ever thought that all you have is because of me? You own everything you have to me.” And there is always a story how her childhood was very hard, and how she had to cook for me and my brother and how she did not have successful career because of me…. And a list goes on and on, how victim she is…
We all do. Honestly, as much as I love direct transparent communication most people won't. They back away. Our culture is trained in passive aggressive mind play. A person never stops learning she is sharing perspective to be mindful you can be an individual with your own style. It's not easy to do people get scared or pushback it worries people pleasers in some of us. She's not the only person on the Planet we all have perspective not one person has all the answers. We learn.🖤It's a dance in life not a race.🔏⚖🕯
Let me give you an example when passive aggressive worked as a handy tool to end abuse- Scene- Grocery store. Winter storm about to hit. TN. Man in checkout line was being awful the the young girl working at the register. I was on my cellphone. Friend asked where I was- My response- "I'm in line about to checkout this douchebag is being a jerk to the clerk. It's sad. When he's done we can get the fuck out of here." He stopped. Shut up. Left. She tried to thank me with free meat. Don't abuse people especially trying to do their job earn a living. Poor social skills. Bad etiquette. Good tool when used for good. Direct too blunt can get you shot. It's a balancing process. Crushed a narcissist that day.
@@ZestyAqua passive aggressive mind play is right, I dont know if it's all just narsassit or prejudice or peoeple being jerks. But people in the world stereotype and label. They show hate then act like the victim.
@@HeartPiece4u you are right. If you are direct, blunt you are mean. You are a "bitch". They are fragile you aren't responsible for their feelings or perspective. That is their responsibility. We can be mindful. Not play games sadly, some people love gaslighting. It's all advertising is. Hollywood. So, each of these have their place.
Passive aggressiveness is them doing anything they can to distrupt you without being direct. Good examples are vacuuming when you're trying to relax, constantly humming, messing with your things when you're not looking, and insulting subjects/ideas that they know pertain you. But know that these people are beneath you, and will do anything they can to bring you to their level. Don't do it. Stay above them and just call them out directly and in a calm manner.
Exactly.They thrive in upsetting you and bringing you down into the hole they are in.They will do it any way they can introduce the unnecessary drama into your life.The best way to deal with them is exactly like you describe. Ignore all their tactics and maintain your high ground,calmly and indifferently
These victim mentalities and martydom tactics had me finally feeling so numb and checked out. I finally left the covert narc and am learning so much. Never again will I allow myself to be manipulated and treated so bad that I lose myself.
I have to admit that I used to be more passive aggressive after all, I was raised by them so in my mind it was normal. As I got older, mature and realized that is not normal I got better at not doing it. And yes, with narcissists parents they DEFINITELY make you feel guilty that u were even born and owe them.
To me it was always a joke or interpreted as such. Sarcasm and teasing. So I really don’t have a lot of bad experiences with it but when people are mad the passive aggressive gets a little more serious and I understand their frustration and better than being yelled at or berated. Idk, I gotta finish the video to know better.
I live alone too. I do have a couple of good girlfriends. Almost 60 tho. Took me until 5 years ago just to see the sick ones and keep my emotional distance. I thought i was a narcissist after too many bad relationships, friendships, boyfriends, husbands etc. When i tried to fix myself...i found that it was mostly them. But i work on me too. I want good friends so i have to be a good friend
The description of the passive aggressive narcissist parent whining about how much they have to give up for their kids is spot on, and you get to hear it every day .
They say “you ow me” 🙈 for every little thing they “helped” you with, they have it on the how I call it “The List”. There is no favor they just do for you because they want to help, like any other human would do, no, they do that because they can use it in the near future
They breadcrumb you and expect the world in return and then victimise themselves when they don’t get what they want. And if you don’t apologise and accept their fake reality they’ll smear campaign you. All the while because i haven’t kept tabs on anyone because i’m not out to guilt trip people, they’ll bring up something bad that you did from so long ago a healthy person wouldn’t bother to mention, or lie, or only give half truths to fit their narrative and i’ve got no tools to defend myself. And it’s happening behind my back, because they’re a bunch of cowards and their ego is hurt because i choose to not give them the time of day. These people got no life of their own.
I hit the thumbs up for this comment, and I wanted to hit it a bunch more times, but it just toggles up and down, so I had to give up. So I'll just say it: Ten Thumbs Up for This Comment!!! Well said. Brava!!!
Thanks for clarifying this term. I have seen many situations where a person spoke directly and calmly, and a toxic person didn't like the message, so they called it "passive aggressive." I think it's because they disliked being called out, and experienced narcissistic injury. It's sad, but some people cannot even recognize direct communication, let alone use it.
For real? 😂 Assertiveness is the complete opposite of being a sarcastic passive aggresive douche. The level of projection that person was experiencing is serious.
Yes being assertive and stating how you see it becomes "rude", "cruel" and "mean" pushing a person into a defensive emotional stance where you now feel the need to justify your decisions.
I’m just so tired. So tired of dealing with these people. I don’t know why I’m some sort of magnet to them. I think it’s because we have soft bellies :(
@@priyao5097 I feel like this. But I worked it out recently they come along to make me stick up for myself and learn to be strong and not allow anyone to push me around. 💜
I moved miles away from my parents and I still call them any other day, half going grey-rock, half fluffing them because I cannot bring myself to go no contact. I feel so scared and guilty at the idea that they could get that I don't see them anymore as... well, normal parents. It's like the last taboo. So I play my part and the show goes on, and I feel fake. In the while, I took on so many habits and patterns of behaviour from them, especially passive-aggressiveness, that I don't know how much is now embedded in me. I started policing myself and I asked for forgiveness to my partner and my best friend for how I treated them in the past. I'll have to re-parent myself.
I relate so much, especially about feeling fake. It can be hard to be upfront about how you REALLY feel coming this kind of dysfunction, instead of just confronting it when you've had enough. Working on this too.
May God bless you in your journey of healing.. my parents are both dead(i'm almost 60). Still deal wirh a painful difficult relationship with my only sister. Hang in there, you're doing good.😊
I found my ex being passive aggressive after they ‘gave in’ to a discussion/debate/argument. I found I was paying for it later and more heavily then the original ask. In the end I became conditioned to not bother trying because it would never be worth the payback. I bit my lip for years until I was moved out and our financial dealings were sorted. Absolutely soul sucking. Never again. NEVER.
ErikisOfficial Absolutely true. I feel deeply deeply regretted and ashamed after doing that.... if you can’t get over your guilt and give them a second chance, they will use it as a chance to revenge. Not worth the effort, not worth it
@@hyanchichou7179 I agree with you and I believe it's a fact they will work you again. I went no contact before I knew what going "no contact" meant and before I found all this priceless information about narcissism. I never felt guilt but I felt sad and always thought she would come back. I have a stubborn pride in myself that wouldn't allow me to reach out to her after no answer on 2 of my calls. I wanted to but naw! We not doing that in 2020......... Besides if a person does accept them back the dynamics of the relationship would be different. It wouldn't even be the same. Plus you would be looking at him or her sideways. You don't wanna be in a relationship with resentment, betrayal, and abandonment sitting in the back of your head The next person will love you to death! ⚘🌼🌷🌻🌺🌹😍🤗😊😍😘🥰
@Pascal you're strong too, dont be like that. You wanna know what helped me a lot too? Watching several of these video from all different kinds of people and interacting with others. Look up Dr. Ramani on UA-cam. I've watched all her videos and several times over. Stay no contact, dont cheat by looking at his social media, and watch her videos. Get back and let me know how you feel. I have a feeling you'll see clearly. You're probably a lot stronger than what you think
@Pascal i felt like you and many others. I felt really bad and confused. The more I learn about it the more I let go. Dont get me wrong I still think about her and the relationship but I'm not depressed about it anymore. If you being to think about all the good things in the fake love bombing stage dont forget to remember all the stress, depression, betrayal, misleading, lying, gaslighting, and etc in the end. Write it all down and read it to yourself often if you find yourself ruminating. You have to break the cognitive dissonance and trauma bond. It doesn't happen overnight so don't expect it to or you'll set yourself up for more disappointment. I'm no therapist but if you ever wanna talk about it I'll shoot you my info. Usually people who haven't experienced this specifically dont understand that its not a normal breakup. No Contact! F*** these people! 😆
In the last year of devaluation, before the discard, he used to bash me for enjoying a bowl of warm soup on a cold day, or for enjoying a walk with my dogs. I was suffering so much and couldn't understand why, it took me a decade to understand that is abuse.
My friend who is an overt narcissist uses this tactic a loooot. Grunts, laughing at my words, belittling disguised as jokes, sharing demeaning memes that attack me but it is so indirect and subtle that others dont see it. Only the one who it is directed at and knows the context understands it.
10:15 so spot on! They make you feel you have an eternal debt to pay, and in some settings, its the girls (daughters) in the family who get the bigger share of this guilt trapping, and passive-aggressiveness. "YOU should be doing this not me" "You come and find cooked food on the table" (when you know that the reason she cooks is not you) and one that kills me "I am letting you study at ease, I am not demanding" or "I am letting you live at ease, I am so easy going, you should see other parents" lol They expect you to be grateful that they did not end your existence (yet). When you know they have all the resources to better their lives, they expect their children to be slaves just to satisfy their egos, because anyways, the more you do for them, the more ungrateful and demanding they become. The idea that being a parent makes you a victim, should disappear for good, children do not fall out from the sky, you knew what you were getting yourself into.
My mother is the QUEEN of passive aggressive behavior and, when called out on the comment, will say “what? I was just saying.” She acts like it wasn’t an intentional dig but it always is. It’s sad ppl like her will always be miserable and take it out on their own child.
WOW Dr. Ramani I just put my final foot down because I've documented everything went to the police/he has hit me used passive aggressive tactics & I'm done. I decided this morning I'm making a UA-cam channel and doing things that I was never allowed to do
I had to learn that if someone shows you that they don't like you- just leave them alone. Sometimes people struggle with expressing their emotional state, so it's just best to give them their space and don't take it personally. If they have the right to say whatever they feel, then you also have the same right to speak up for yourself. You even free to tell them to not talk to you like that because you're sensitive to indirect language.
Truthfully, listening to you makes me so happy that I am not married. Home is for me a sanctuary. I know that no matter how my workday goes, I don't have to come home to it. My composition- Vata, introverted, highly sensitive- requires a regular break. Being single, no children, living alone provides that.
Wow, this is very interesting. Passive Aggressive was the initial term that led me to the world of narcissism. My ex narc was so passive aggressive and it was so confusing to me. I couldn’t understand why it was so difficult for her to address situations honestly and from a genuine perspective. I know now though. Thank you.
My kid’s dad complained about how I cleaned ...so I collected everything he used and dirtied for a week, then when he hid in his den and I heard him complaining to his online side piece...I dumped EVERYTHING - half full drinks and plates , laundry, etc ... right on him, his desk, his keyboard with,”if you don’t like it, do it yourself.” It was the last time he ever opened his mouth about the quality of my housekeeping - even though I owned a housekeeping business and kept the house alone. Grandma taught me a couple things...took me a while for it to sink in... when someone shows you who they are, show THEM who they are. The divorce wasn’t fun, high conflict. But, the alienation and all is backfiring on him now, as we knew it would 😜
The dishwasher was a constant source of passive aggression in my relationship with my ex. He constantly criticized how I loaded the dishwasher and then would rearrange the dishes in the dishwasher in an agitated manner. It was awful! He was awful! Never again!
I would have just left the dishes in a pile on the bench, then if he asked why they were there....I'd just say "well, you don't like how I pack the dishwasher.....so I thought I'd leave it for you to do Dear" Did he had OCD, by any chance? Having said that...I am genuinely sorry you went through that...it's a physical demonstration of belittling and demeaning.
That was my mother, ALL of her life......ALL of my life. It actually got funny after I understood it for what it was and I knew it for the guilt trip it was meant to cause in me.
Passive aggression is not just words. Once my husband arranged to fly home from a business trip and meet me and 4 couples for a special dinner at an upscale restaurant. All evening I anxiously watched for him to arrive at the restaurant, but he never showed. I was really disappointed and confused by his behavior. I later realized that he hadn't shown up in order to punish me because I had done something that he didn't like several days earlier. He missed the dinner party on purpose in order to "pay me back". I have also realized that my father used to do the same thing - sometimes even decades later, and would even admit to me what he was doing. My father called it "laying in the weeds" as he waited for the opportunity to pay the person back. It is really hard to have a relationship with someone who is always looking for revenge.
Just my opinion Narcissistic family systems can exist in a workplace setting as well At least in my experience and the workplace environment can become very toxic for that person and really affects your psychological,emotional and physical health You can become a scapegoat and a target for the instigators and the negative group think about you So very sad
The sheep will bow to the psycho narc to fit in or to avoid becoming a victim. They are weak-minded. The one who refused to play, gets smeared but leave with their dignity.
@@paulclinton6414 Wow you're so bang on!!! In fact on the numerous occasions that I was meeting with HR I commented to both the labour Relations rep and the Shop Stewart that at least I would leave that place with my head held high I definitely got smeared as evidenced by the numerous ambush meetings I endured and the allegations that were documented At the end of the day I am just so glad to be out of that place and retired!!Yes I was able to leave that workplace with dignity and self respect
More people should see these videos. I was led to believe I had two options only: 1. Dealing with it - doing the extra task just to avoid the unpleasant outcome. 2. Leaving and taking that guilt and eternal debt with me. When such troubled people do not want to let you get away, they don’t always necessarily break your knees but they do mentally equivalent things to keep you chained to wherever you are.
Again, thank you sooooo much for all of this. The passive aggressive query that I HATE the most is "What are you doing ______?" And you can fill in the blank with "right now" or "tomorrow at 5" or whatever time-specific constraint. The implication is that if you reply with "nothing" then "nothing" is less important than what the asker has in mind. Seriously! If you want me to show up, tell me what you want. I'm a nice person and will probably agree to be there, simply because you asked. But I don't like having to do double think and respond with a rude "what do you need?"--to find out what the hell I was going to be tricked into doing. Grrrrrrr!
Dear Dr. I have put every word into practise. I feel so much better. I understand so much. I do so much for myself now. I have no guilt. My kids and grandkids have their mommy and nana back. I cut my long dreary old woman hair off into a modern pixie cut. Went platinum blonde. Got my groove back. Thank you. Now i say it as it is. Freedom.
I have been learning so much of this behavior 🤦♀️ My daughter is 16 and wants to be a horse trainer, so she works so hard to pay for her training, lessons and board. So I also muck stalls to help her, because my husband wants nothing to do with. I was cleaning the other day and asking myself why do I do this, and my daughter will still give me additude. I then realized I do this because I LOVE her, and not to manipulate her into loving me. My mom always throws in my face every little thing she has EVER done for me. I hate it, and I don't want to do this to anyone else.
Has anyone else found themselves reacting in a passive-aggressive way in return...like being sarcastic...when you have been dealing with years of passive-aggressive behaviour bombarding you? When you feel like assertive behaviour falls on deaf ears...sometimes...maybe passive-aggressive comments, are the only words they understand!?!!!!..like speaking THEIR language! I'm not proud of myself for doing it....but I have become like that, when baited and baited, and I'm at the end of my rope.
Yes definitely with being sarcastic, it seems to frustrate them, especially if it's unexpected. I've known them to pretend not to hear something you've said, or deliberately misunderstand, if it's not what they want to hear. Sarcasm is not the response they want, if it fits in with their narrative they may choose to take it literally, or they may pretend not to hear it, they may take offense. It confuses them, because they can't readily calculate their response.
Yes, it’s adaptive to become passive aggressive. The problem is, you can never win that game. Narcs are too skilled at manipulation to ever lose a round.
Other forms of passive-aggression are indirect criticism, agreeing to do something that one has no intention of doing, telling lies in order to spare hard feelings, agreeing to a time period one has no intention of fulfilling, making subtle, supposedly funny but very hurtful comments to undermine another's sense of competence. Passive-aggression can almost be a subtle form of gaslighting in eroding someone else's confidence. Honest cooperation is always better than competition, and almost anything is better than open or repressed hostility.
I actually had one person who was dear to me say in a text: "I ask that you forgive me for thinking that you were stronger than what you are." This was his comment to me because I choose self-protection and distance over "forgiving" my narcissistic parents.
I'm a survivor, on a way to thrive. 💪🏽 I know, If I can do it, you all can! 🔥 It might sound crazy, but I think that everyone that's a narcissist-magnet must come across a strong damaging narcissist, once in their lifetime. 🤔 The reason is: we have been so primed to take the abuse that it doesn't feel so, unless someone thrashes us left, right and centre. It's deeply agonizing, but a wake-up call. 🔔 Apart from getting healed from the abuse of one narcissist, we get trained in escaping such monsters in future. 🏋️ The universe has loads of energy for you, you need not depend on any sadist to derive it from. 🌞 More power to all the good people out there! 🌍 🙏🏽 You CAN do it! 💜
Very well explained! Thank you I am allergic for people who play the victem and for passive agressive behaviour. I walk away. If something does not feel right (chronic) i don’t want to be in it.
I love how funny you are! These are serious matters yet they are pleasantly presented with humor. You're light hearted and it is well appreciated. Thank you
Yes exactly! My covert narc ex best friend was so passive aggressive it was so annoying. She was severely self-entitled & could never be happy for anybody even when directly complimenting, it was in a fake exaggerated tone.
I have always hear the term passive-aggressive being thrown around and not really understood it. Thank you for your clear examples, so many things are brought to light. And thanks for encouraging us on the self-reflection. I think most everyone is guilty of this from time to time. Sometimes when our feelings are hurt, we hide behind it.
Thanks Dr Ramani you just described my mom! She always told me that she gave up a lot to become a parent and that I should be more grateful! I always felt guilty about that, I felt like guilty for even existing. No one ever told me that parents are supposed to care for you, and just accept you for who you are. When I grew up it felt more like ,I have to do something so she won't be mad at me. It's like walking on eggshells. I never knew when the outburst was gonna come and strike me.
When a narc wants to provoke a reaction from you in front of a group of people and doesn't get it, they pretend you're the passive-aggressive one, giving them the silent treatment. Why can't they just live and let live?
The first time this happened, I was stunned into silence...it absolutely came out of nowhere, for no reason.The people there, we also shocked. Some said, "whoa, some gasp..yeah, it was that bad.
Dr Ramani, I've had the poor luck of having had a girlfriend with BPD, and a mother with NPD. Through it all, I found so much strength and practical advice from your videos. Thank you so much. It makes me want to work in a profession where I too can have such a REAL impact on the lives of others (still in college).
Yes! The narcissist would definitely say how hard is life at work, life with COVID, life with his traumas, how his friends are not real friends, how everything is getting worse and he does not want to deal with you telling them to do their part. And at the end, instead of listening to their constant complaints, bad temper and drama, you just end up doing whatever shore needs to be done. They would never even say thank you... once he told me “it was the least he expected from me after he had to work extra hours” (extra hours was the code for cheating on me with other women).
My bestfriend recently has been so passive aggressive and she shows signs of grandiosity.. she told me I had no right or reason to act like I’m vibrating from a higher frequency because it “makes no sense” to her apparently.. all because she thinks transformation is outward... sadly she’ll never understand the pain I went through to get to my transformation... which we all know is in the body and mind... but her mask fell off shaming my transformation so now it’s time for me to cut off another friend!!!
Going back all my exes including my ex-husband they were all narcs . Now that I finally live alone I realized how bad it really was. I just enjoy my dog and my two cats and all my coworkers that’s all I need and non toxic family members ♥️🙏 almost 60 and want the rest of my life drama free
With some ppl who are passive-aggressive, it’s the only way they can fight back. The subject that goes toe to toe with an abuser, he may find himself punished as in the workplace or assaulted as in the home. Passive-aggressive behavior is very common in the military among junior enlisted troops that attempt to undercut their immediate superior or other members of the chain of command. Phrases such as “ you never told me I couldn’t, I thought you meant something else, I don’t recall, It wasn’t me, I don’t know and don’t care” are part of their mantra. Most of these passive -aggressive types leave the military at the end of their enlistments or receive administrative discharges.
Thank You Dr Ramani! I learned from you so much and now realize that my brother, (who I always thought had so much negativity because afflicted with long-term depression, stomach problems, etc.), is the true covert narcissist and uses the passive aggressive technique all the time, loving to blame everyone else, even the whole world! I have learned to just let slide the passive-agressive comments and let him brood....whereas before I would spend so much time trying to help comfort him, or deter the self-afflicting negativity he harbors, to no avail!
Glad to hear martyrs brought up, I remember calling my mom one how many years ago and she was taken completely off-guard! 😂 I know challenging a narcisist is ill-advised for many, but it hasn’t failed me yet!
JoAnne Swan same. My parents were always reminding me of all the things they did for me. From the time I could walk until even 5 years ago. It’s very sad for me because now I have 2 parents who are 90 years old with dementia. My father is up and down with moods but tends to more loving and kind. I think 🤔 to myself “Where was this man when I needed him? “ I have worked hard in therapy but it still hurts. My mother has just become impossible she’s tried to physically assault me and called me a thief recently. Luckily I was able to understand she was always a Narcissist and this was always the way she was and she will never change. I’m their POA and my brother stays far away from them. He’s just waiting for them to die so he can collect the money 💰 it’s a sad situation. Guilt like you said has been a long struggle for me. I’m not going to do it anymore though. These videos and reading comments are helping me so much. Hang in there...you’re doing the best you can!
@@MsVshizzle dont ever sink to anothers level please. Wgen my mother was dying, sge had dementia and was mean and manipulative. I took care of my mother abd my sister took care if her finances from 1500 miles away. It was as bad as it sounds. All is forgiven but that took some time. My sister is still a problem, but i cant let her occupy my mind and heart. I have thw shallow conversations with her because... she's still many miles away and my mother is gone...and i want to be a happy person with no resentments and that is my choice. God bless
Not alone on that one. Narcissist did this to me alll the time. It was usually used as a way of making sure I slept late so that the narc could get on the computer for the early a.m. chat sessions in order to love bomb/check the "weird" sites he was on, as well as make it difficult for me to think straight...so when I was bitchy from lack of sleep, or from woken up, there was an excuse to leave or act like I had NO REASON to be upset. This is one that I am interested in also.
@@pamelariley6694 This sounds exactly like the narc I deal with.....and I have also had the "slap in the face" as he turned over, as they pretended to be asleep. I really had to keep myself from slapping the narc back. I could just imagine him smiling to himself in the dark. They are SUCH ASS-WIPES!!!
@boop They also use sleep deprivation as a way of gaining information to weaponize at a later date, similar to a police investigator. They'll also lie and say you said something you didn't. When you deny that you said it, they'll gaslight you and say you were too sleepy to remember. In reality, they are sadisticly torturing you, and they love every minute of it.
Growing up my narcissistic mother used to be very annoyed at her narcissistic mother because she wished granny would just say what she means instead of these roundabouts. Interestingly my mother does the same thing now...I also feel that whatever my mother can't/doesn't express to my grandmother, I have to take. My mother's idea is that you should honour your parents, do everything for them no matter what etc. So I think that what she doesn't say to her mother she takes out on me. All the regrets she might have, thinking her actions would finally make her mother happy and lift her to be the golden child, she expresses passively aggressively to me. And now that she's getting older she thinks she has the right to act however she wants and it's my duty to jump through hoops for her. Just like she's been doing with her mother (that just got worse the older she got). I put up a boundary a few months ago for the first time in my life. She did not like it. Still sulks and it makes it very difficult to look after her. I think she thought that I would follow the same choice she did just because her thinking is right and it's her turn to be the sulky parent. Reality check was not welcomed, but I'm NOT going back to that abusive way of living.
This examples were perfect. My mother uses them constantly so I became numb in a way and I didn’t recognize the passive aggressiveness anymore. It became normal to me. And I just accepted and internalized never being enough and always being wrong. But this video shook me. Never again am I gonna be played by my mother like that.
TRUST is like a crystal glass that once it's broken its hard to put the pieces back together and when you try to fix them, you might get puncture and get hurt. The crystal glass would never be the same no matter what, that is why it's important to apply wisdom when dealing with our partners and i believe smartness is essential in any relationship. I got help from (Cybertech-tracker) as he helped cloned my cheating husband’s phone and I got access to all his phone Text messages, Imessages, Facebook, Instagram, Whats-app, Skype, Kik, Twitter, Snap-chat, Email and social media chats without touching his phone. My husband was a cheating Narcissist but I'm glad to uncover his deceits, secrets and Infidelity. All I did was share his phone number with (cybertech-tracker) and i was able to read his recent and deleted messages from my phone without laying my hands on his phone and he has no idea his phone has been cloned. I was hurt when i saw a picture of my husband and his lover, i felt so bad about infidelity. I’m here in Australia and was able to access his phone while he was away cheating in the UK and saw all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned . He also does hacking of account or any other type of hacking and retrieval of data. His services are trusted and guaranteed and also affordable. Contact this great hacker via Gmail (cybertechtracker) or text and speak to him directly on his phone and Whats-app : +1 (202) 697-7171. Thank me, later...#Stay-safe & Stay-home
Isabella Ryan how is this legal? Pretty sure violating someone’s privacy like that is against the law. I would never do something like that. The most important thing in narcissistic relationships is trusting your gut. Doesn’t matter if you have proof. Just leave because it feels wrong. Too often people want to be right instead of happy. If it feels weird and you suspect something, just leave for your own sake. But don’t become like the narcissist. Don’t violate others and most importantly don’t violate yourself. Respect yourself enough to just leave even if there’s a chance that you’re wrong. Leave because it FEELS not right. No need to break the law or your own moral code. Love and respect for yourself and others is the way!
If you’re stuck with a passive aggressive person I came up with the PERFECT solution. Is super hard. But you have to pretend to be really angry about something that’s irrelevant. Then when they be passive aggressive, it will be about that. Rather than the thing you actually get angry about. Best thing I’ve found.
My mom is the biggest covert narcissist and passive-aggressive person that I have ever intimately known and encountered in my entire life. My birth dad was an overt narcissist. He was also passive-aggressive. It's no wonder why I have been so messed up and having to do the crazy amount of work of processing and healing from all of the narcissistic abuse that I have had experienced throughout my life. This video definitely spoke to my life for real. Glad that I am not delusional on what I could have sworn up and down that it was and is. I love this glossary series.
10:18 " 'I do so much for you' you fill in the blank." I know it's a good Dr R video when I pause and rewind it to copy the text. 15:38 "You get a lot of bang from the passive-aggressive buck if you're narcissistic." So well said, and so nauseatingly true.
"passive aggression is a universal part of the narcissistic relationship because manipulation is a universal part of the narcissistic relationship" (13:58). . . "and robs the authenticity of a relationship" (17:50). In my last visit to my 'narc', he pointedly told me of how he had spent over $60.00 on a cab ride to an event that in the past we had attended together. It seemed clear to me that his intention was to make me feel guilty for being out of touch with him during this time, and for the money he had 'had' to spend. But by then I knew better. I knew he could have asked for a ride from someone else attending the event (he wasn't able to drive), or he could have chosen not to go; in any case, his choice was not my responsibility! I think he was hoping that this passive aggressive move would hook me back in with guilt and remorse, but by then I had given too much for too long that I knew I had more than earned my 'break'/ exit. When I left that day (for the last time) he did not hug me (he always wanted to hug me and didn't register my discomfort with his hugs). I think now, in looking back, that this was a sign of his anger and disappointment (silently fuming inside but being 'polite' on the surface). In any case, it doesn't matter now if he was mad/ sad/ disappointed/ hurt (all the things that used to hook me in), because now I'm free (and I am doing the work to make sure I don't get into a narcissistic relationship again)! Thank you Dr. Ramani!
The guilt that often comes from passive agressiveness is probably the reason why I in my relationship felt so manipulated all the time. This put a few new perspectives on what is passive agressiveness. Thanks!
My covert husband often talks in such a passive agressive manner that when I look at him with hurt and confusion , he'd laugh aloud and tease me that I don't understand what sarcasm is! For years I have let his backhanded insults and guilt making slide while brainwashing myself for not having a lighter side of life!:(
U start from today. Do not give him reaction. To anything. If anything give him same back or more. Give him oposite reaction what u used to. Show u dint care. He will feel he is losing control. U can do it.
Sarcasm can be used in a way that is positive - it can be very funny and ease the tension about a topic. Or it can be used destructively and passive aggressively as a weapon to insult & degrade - under the guise of being positive ‘oh its just a joke’.
@@universaltruth2025 I agree. But you have to have the ability to talk honestly and authentically and clarify things if the other person is upset or didn't get your joke. And that is the difference. Narcs never do that, they enjoy it when the other person is doubting and gets miserable.
I was accused of being passive aggressive by the narcissistic person I am living with. Their definition of passive aggression was my acute silence that followed the few days after they erupted their narcissistic rage on me. Those quiet moments I rendered talking through or absolving issues and differences useless. My lack of a reaction was passive aggression to them. The immense guilt I felt from this has been a huge part of my life. I feel somewhat better understanding the dynamics of this. I have a lot of growing to do. But I also have plenty of escaping to do.
My late husband, who had many of the narcissistic traits described, used to accuse me of being 'passive aggressive' when I didn't say anything! Of course, everything was always my fault somehow even the lung cancer which killed him when I, a non smoker, had been trying to persuade him to stop smoking for his health's sake for many years. When he told me we had been 'invited' to a 'party' at his parent's house (and God help you if you didn't go when summoned) and I didn't say anything, he said I was being 'passive aggressive'! I am grateful to you for clarifying what is actually meant by passive aggressive. I certainly didn't say things like that.
I was passive-aggressive (silent treatment) in response to the overwhelming fights. I completely shut down due to being emotionally overwhelmed and just didn't have the energy anymore.
Dr Ramani. You have no idea what a savior you are! I have been following you for months and listen to you daily. I have someone in my life for 30+ years, a parental figure that uses p/a as part of their lives. I’ve been guilt ridden for years and being that my own mother is a covert narcissist, I was too close to this other person to see the writing on the wall. Now, hearing you, it just clicked. Sadly, she’s another ill go no contact with. I’ve been cleaning house and thanks to you, you made me feel I’m not insane. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
When my boyfriend would do this i would always say, if you need something just tell me. 🙄 but he never stopped, I never interpreted it as a form of abuse. Smh
Gosh that dishwasher example is so on point. “I’m tired”. “I’m hot” “I just worked for 8 hours”. “I could be doing this but no I’m here trying”. god for bid I speak up and say something like I worked too but I still give my all.. huge argument waiting to happen.
Oh absolutely!! My father would hang "all the wonderful things mother did and does for you" over our heads every single time mommy dearest wasn't happy. 🙄🙄
Thank you for these videos, they are so informative and right on target. I've had narcissists around me my whole life (a parent and a spouse), and all of this information rings so true with my experience. I hope others can learn from this and avoid the life-draining experience of getting in to a serious relationship with a narcissist. No matter how much you do for a narcissist, it will not be enough. So pack your bags, we're going on a guilt trip :)
Dr. Ramani, Wow! I am doing research for a character that I am writing, and boy this stuff is great! I love your easy, informed manner. I love how you differentiate between normal behavior and more destructive patterns of behavior. Not only has this helped me with my character, but it has given me great insight on how to watch my own behavior with others, and how to side step getting quagmired in someone else's bad behavior. I wish you the very best!
@@ct6852 you got that right! I mean writing a novel is about creating resolvable conflict, so they fit the bill. Not that anyone can change anyone else, but that people can become aware of the behavior pattern and sometimes leave or minimize the emotional damage the Narcissist does to them and others.
I can't thank Dr Ramani enough for this series. It has opened my eyes. If I could have had this info years ago I would be in a different situation today. I am hoping she will put all the different videos she's done in this series on a dvd that we can buy. Because I need to be reminded - constantly - of what I am dealing with. Somebody here commented, 'if it feels icky, it toxic' - that's spot on. The body does not lie - as I have read many timess. Thanks to all who share here. You're helping me heaps. X
You're gorgeous, and the confident yet gentle way you behave when teaching makes you even more attractive. I wish I was more like you when dealing with a narc, so thank you for your inspiration.
These videos are saving my life. I am going to feel comfort in my home. I think my wife and I are good people and both want love and connection, but were taught bad behaviors. Everything is finally making sense. I am now equipped to avoid being mistreated and avoid mistreating the people I care about. Boy is it scary now being able to identify narcissistic behavior at work and the people in power.
My definition of passive aggressive is Nasty Nice since the person often hides their true nasty intention behind a mask of feigned nice/ politeness.
This explains why I had Very few female friends and chose guy friends growing up. Guys were easy going and most girls were verbally mean. No thx ✋
@@casperinsight3524
I wish I had chosen that route. I learned the hard way, but definitely learned.
It's not just the women though. The worst people I came across came to me behind the guise of a smile.
An animal showing its teeth is often a warning signal. 💣
The term is slippery. These guys have a hidden agenda but seem so sweet and charming when they make a request. I tend to explode like a frilled-neck lizard after having been manipulated or cajoled into meeting their agenda and then I look like the mean guy for hurting the poor victim.
Casper Insight I have to say I really hated school because of the utter meanness going on all around me. I’d ask my mother why, why do they act that way and she’d say they just do. It started in fourth grade. 🤬
@@chriscunningham8807
I've noticed that Narcs often target naievely principled people, (since most people believe that others think like them, and so the principled will often initially reason and override their red flags until it builds up). They also enjoy pushing principled people to uncharacteristically explode confrontationally, as though they wish to make them operate from a negative vibration so that people view the target as the narc really is.
Their intention is often to taunt, tarnish and torment principled targets in order to leave them tainted.
Exploding or self critising gives them the negative supply they feed off as their intention is to chip away at your sense of self and project their character onto you.
I swear these SOB's fell straight out of the crack of the devil's ass.
I’m getting divorced after 20 years of a manipulative passive aggressive wife. I’m done with people like that. My mother does the same stuff. Had a 1 hour visit at her place yesterday and I came away feeling angry and hurt. I’m done with her too. Anyone tries that on me again and I cut them from my life instantly. It’s hard to know when people are doing it first up, but I’ve leant that when I feel bad inside after speaking to someone, there’s a reason for it. Good company doesn’t make you feel bad. It’s a sneaky cruel way of putting you down without you knowing it. I’m 46 this month, it’s taken me 46 years to work it out. These videos have really helped. Thank you.
I call them soul suckers, it's so exhausting. I wish you luck and happiness.
47 here.
That's exactly how my husband feels every time after talking to his mum on the phone. We've cancelled our landline, changed our mobile numbers, cancelled social media. Only emails now. I'm sure she blames me for giving him the support to reduce contact we've been married 20yrs.
Good luck and all the best!!
Same story! I feel you friend. We're gonna be ok 👍
I did not understand just how destructive "passive aggression" is until I realized what I was dealing with.
Those little "jabs" do not amount to anything individually, but cumulatively the jabs add up.
You are correct; it is the tool of the Covert Narcissist and Borderline.
Today, I can recognize that behavior a mile away.
Very destructive
Yes. Once you really get what is going on, it is easy to see. I used to get hooked by it often; now it just makes my skin crawl.
What do jabs look like?
@@tulip5210 depends on the person; in one person it.might be guilt messages that imply you don't show you care enough; in another person the passive aggression might be ignoring your presence or not answering when you speak; the variety of passive aggression is rich, but the message is always the same: you are inadequate and disappointing and not enough
We’re here to learn and the most important lessons are bitter ones.
When your a child, there is no choice. It is so harmful.
That's why it's abuse and not legal to do to children
EXACTLY 💯
IT'S ABUSE..DJ.DEB.USA IT'S A CRIME..REPORT IT IMMEDIATELY
Exactly. The child suffers the most from these people bc they are the most vulnerable of them all
What does this mean actually, when your child calls you a passive aggressive mother? I'm confused at what she is telling me? Is she saying I'm toxic? Or rude? And I have no idea how to fix this or why she thinks I'm like this? Or what? And my feelings are hurt now and I don't know what to think? I was trying to enjoy my daughter and her new babies and grandbabies. I must have done something wrong along the way?
I’d rather someone be direct than to manipulate me with guilt or sympathy.
I don’t like indirect humor either. It feels like a test to see if you are clever enough to get the meaning. Again, a power play.
Someone said “ If it feels icky, it’s probably toxic”. Passive aggressive feels icky.
Sarcasm also plays a role in passive aggressiveness.
I hadn't considered how gross indirect humor can feel. You're right, that kind of testing can really do a number. The underlying truth is they probably don't think you're very clever. I struggle with feeling incompetent all the time, so I will watch out for that more
Ugh. I knew someone who would do the indirect humor thing all the time. It was totally a power play- they thought they were all that 🙄
GIRL. FOR REAL.
I feel this comment so hard.
Sarcastic digs camouflaged as humor is their game.They don't insult directly like the overt.Instead their abuse is cloaked in dark sarcasm and after enough of these kind of remarks it become obvious.
Sarcastic people are difficult to be around, because they use it as a way to distract from who they really are & you can't just talk straight with them.
“Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever the f*&k you were gonna do anyway.” - Robert Downey Jr.
I was married to that. It confused the hell out of me. Free for three years
Listen and smile, agree what they do or I am suppose to do. Because he does just that sometime. Oh sure, that will happen but then it doesn't happen. Nothing he says is real.
All true.. This is my approach now...
Just pieces of crap ,flush them away and live a good life.
Some of us aren’t good at lying... or simply don’t want to live like that.
Dr ramani can you do a series on healing and not getting/attracting another narcissists when you were raised by narcissists
Rachel u need good boundaries. Dont show ur caring side easily. Narcist will latch on u until u fall for for him. Expect to be looked after first. Learn to recognise not only red flags but yellow. The warnings before red. Once u see red it’s often late!
It would be nice to know how to deal with them in the workplace as a nurse.
Mali J thank you 💕
God I need this. After my ex I feel like I only attract narcissists😫
This would be an excellent video for teenagers and young people who are not married yet. Kids are not Whistling Dixie. They're absorbing into their register all of these bad habits when they will end up in, Al-Anon , in a sense because they really believe their parents were the right types of people to emulate.. wrong !!!
I’m more of a straight forward type of person. Do not come near me with that passive aggressive behavior. I dealt with that with the Narc that WAS in my life. I told him “Oh there’s a problem? Then why didn’t you just say something?” I knew he had a problem but I ignored him and played dumb and it actually frustrated him more. I was watching him struggle with the fact that i wasn’t letting him break me. It’s funny to see once you know what you’re dealing with but it’s also quite disturbing. Freaking Weirdos.
Aaaah Passive aggressiveness is the tool for the cowards who can't take responsibility for any outcome tied to the act of asking anything directly.
Exactly
yes. They can't ask you a clear question or clarify things, that would render them weak and they can't handle a No. I wondered if it is common that narcs never ever ask one out. Not in a proper straight forward sense. It's always in a passive way...they use excuses all the time, at least that is my experience. I thought it was cute at first -shyness and bla. But it is NOT if it combines with all sorts of other weird behavior.
I’m the same passives and narcs are f losers.
"Freaking weirdos" ... Understatement.
My husband's famous line is "well I work all day and pay the bills." This drives me crazy because this devaluates what I do all day as a stay at home mother to his 3 kids. I don't stop all day and night, holiday or not, vacation or not. He's right to a point but he has no idea what I take care of all day. And all the crap he does not have to take care of. Very upsetting!
So sorry, stay at home moms are underrated.
He doesn't see your value in taking care of the kids. Leave his behind if this behavior continues.
you need to talk to him openly why he said that, it could be a response to what you said or asked him earlier about something. Talking directly with you partner without involving third party which includes social media, which could be a bad way to figure things out. I would not say who is right or wrong in your relationship and neither you should be judgemental but talk when you are calm and comfortable with him without jumping to conclusion as to what he might say or do next.
My dad did this to my mom for years until I said something to him. Finally understand that she doesn’t sit at home all day and both have they own roles in the relationship to bring to the table so can enjoy each other company after a long day
@@Jtshels98 Chances are he wasn't a true narc. I'm so happy he changed. I'm so proud of you for sticking up for your mom. True narcs will change for a week and go right back to the way they were. My husband sees me trying to move furniture and still sits there watching t. V. KNowing darn well I need help. He just doesn't care. I'm glad your parents figured it out with your help. Way to go.
My ex is passive aggressive, manipulative, sarcastic, uncommunicative, and gaslights. He’s also very charming and has chameleon like qualities. Is it any wonder I was on 4 medications for depression and anxiety.
Good thing this person is your Ex. Be well, take care Honey
This is my friend she told me and I watch couple of videos and she is right but I think she is a covert narcissist also
Jo C4255 sounds just like my husband l! Argh.. so tired of it all.
Must have been an ARIES!
Zhoxza Labrique - you are exactly right!!!!! He is!!!!
"Must be nice..." sort of communication shows *ENVY and JEALOUSY* towards another person by not wanting to take responsability (victimization).
They inflect reaction abuse by yelling and demeaning. If you take the bait, they will become real calm fast and call you crazy. They will then expect you to apologize as they pretend to be the victim. If you refuse, passive agressive and silent treatment ensues until you give in and apologize and accept the fake reality.
Paul Clinton
EXACTLY
So true 😳
Paul Clinton after long time I believe ignoring is the best medicine for narcist and non narcist
Yes. This sounds like an ex coworker. Would talk so much crap, and I even walked in on her talking about me but when I returned her snippyiness she would act surprised.
Ugh!
Narc mother did this regularly to put me in my place in front of the step dad. She was always scapegoating and triangulating me to gain control.
Once I clued in it was Game Over as I just remained non reactive.
My mom told me so many times how it was difficult carrying me for 9 months in her womb...I thought she was gonna send me an invoice for rent.
Lol that's funny. My mother does that to me too. It's so annoying and I feel like her giving birth was my fault. Like everything else.
Same, I am almost 30 and my mum keeps telling me how difficult her pregnancy was, and how hard was to breastfeed me , and how she gained weight and never lost it after being pregnant with me
My mom had pre-eclampsia and a bunch of other issues during her pregnancy with me and a risky C-section. If i had a dime for every time I heard the line "I almost died to have you" or even from my dad "she almost died having you", I would be rich. As though I had any control or choice in my birth being difficult or the fact i'm now 30 years old and don't OWE anyone a debt for being born.
Wow and sorry that your mom treated you that way.
Your mom is being a bit insecure and needy.
They really are cowards. Sly nasty remarks behind your back. Never to your face. I confronted my "older" sister. She cried "why are you attacking me? Then she fabricated "HER" story, playing the victim!
My dad is overt narc and my mum is passive aggressive covert…. I was a scapegoat. Left home at 16, worked since 13. Got scholarship to college and became a doctor, now my mum says “have you ever thought that all you have is because of me? You own everything you have to me.” And there is always a story how her childhood was very hard, and how she had to cook for me and my brother and how she did not have successful career because of me…. And a list goes on and on, how victim she is…
Thanks for sharing your story... it's helpful to me regarding understanding this subject/situation...
Aye, YOU did great in life and that’s your road you took, I’m proud of you
Oh man. I have a few things to work on. I want to be better and this is helping me on my journey. Thank you for this video.
We all do. Honestly, as much as I love direct transparent communication most people won't. They back away. Our culture is trained in passive aggressive mind play.
A person never stops learning she is sharing perspective to be mindful you can be an individual with your own style. It's not easy to do people get scared or pushback it worries people pleasers in some of us. She's not the only person on the Planet we all have perspective not one person has all the answers.
We learn.🖤It's a dance in life not a race.🔏⚖🕯
Let me give you an example when passive aggressive worked as a handy tool to end abuse-
Scene-
Grocery store.
Winter storm about to hit. TN.
Man in checkout line was being awful the the young girl working at the register.
I was on my cellphone.
Friend asked where I was-
My response-
"I'm in line about to checkout this douchebag is being a jerk to the clerk. It's sad. When he's done we can get the fuck out of here."
He stopped. Shut up. Left.
She tried to thank me with free meat.
Don't abuse people especially trying to do their job earn a living. Poor social skills.
Bad etiquette. Good tool when used for good.
Direct too blunt can get you shot. It's a balancing process. Crushed a narcissist that day.
@@ZestyAqua passive aggressive mind play is right, I dont know if it's all just narsassit or prejudice or peoeple being jerks. But people in the world stereotype and label. They show hate then act like the victim.
@@HeartPiece4u you are right. If you are direct, blunt you are mean. You are a "bitch". They are fragile you aren't responsible for their feelings or perspective. That is their responsibility. We can be mindful. Not play games sadly, some people love gaslighting. It's all advertising is. Hollywood.
So, each of these have their place.
Reading this made me happy. Are you sure you have this problem? It seems like you have a kind, humble spirit
Passive aggressiveness is them doing anything they can to distrupt you without being direct. Good examples are vacuuming when you're trying to relax, constantly humming, messing with your things when you're not looking, and insulting subjects/ideas that they know pertain you. But know that these people are beneath you, and will do anything they can to bring you to their level. Don't do it. Stay above them and just call them out directly and in a calm manner.
Spot on....
Exactly.They thrive in upsetting you and bringing you down into the hole they are in.They will do it any way they can introduce the unnecessary drama into your life.The best way to deal with them is exactly like you describe. Ignore all their tactics and maintain your high ground,calmly and indifferently
These victim mentalities and martydom tactics had me finally feeling so numb and checked out. I finally left the covert narc and am learning so much. Never again will I allow myself to be manipulated and treated so bad that I lose myself.
I have to admit that I used to be more passive aggressive after all, I was raised by them so in my mind it was normal. As I got older, mature and realized that is not normal I got better at not doing it. And yes, with narcissists parents they DEFINITELY make you feel guilty that u were even born and owe them.
To me it was always a joke or interpreted as such. Sarcasm and teasing. So I really don’t have a lot of bad experiences with it but when people are mad the passive aggressive gets a little more serious and I understand their frustration and better than being yelled at or berated. Idk, I gotta finish the video to know better.
Why cant people just tell the truth .Be a lot easyer .To much manipulation. Glad I live alone .
See. That’s why living alone is my dream 🙌🏾
Earthia O And too many lies!
I live alone too. I do have a couple of good girlfriends. Almost 60 tho. Took me until 5 years ago just to see the sick ones and keep my emotional distance. I thought i was a narcissist after too many bad relationships, friendships, boyfriends, husbands etc. When i tried to fix myself...i found that it was mostly them. But i work on me too. I want good friends so i have to be a good friend
@@ladykdog1756 yes Mam I'm 57 .Good for you .gb
Lying is time consuming, I’d rather spend my brain power doing anything else.
This. Is. My. Mother. I have heard the phrase "must be nice..." for nearly 40 years now.
They are losers drop her my mom is the same.
Thou shalt not covet!
It’s a family tradition.
When people say "must be nice"i say "YES INDEED it WAS!" lmao
Same.
👏
I'm autistic and i always say this bc i didn't know until know that it is passive aggression
Yes indeed !
Lmaooo !!!!
The description of the passive aggressive narcissist parent whining about how much they have to give up for their kids is spot on, and you get to hear it every day .
They say “you ow me” 🙈 for every little thing they “helped” you with, they have it on the how I call it “The List”. There is no favor they just do for you because they want to help, like any other human would do, no, they do that because they can use it in the near future
Mine manipulates everyone like that. And looks all nice and helpful while doing it. Its appalling.
They breadcrumb you and expect the world in return and then victimise themselves when they don’t get what they want. And if you don’t apologise and accept their fake reality they’ll smear campaign you. All the while because i haven’t kept tabs on anyone because i’m not out to guilt trip people, they’ll bring up something bad that you did from so long ago a healthy person wouldn’t bother to mention, or lie, or only give half truths to fit their narrative and i’ve got no tools to defend myself. And it’s happening behind my back, because they’re a bunch of cowards and their ego is hurt because i choose to not give them the time of day. These people got no life of their own.
I hit the thumbs up for this comment, and I wanted to hit it a bunch more times, but it just toggles up and down, so I had to give up. So I'll just say it: Ten Thumbs Up for This Comment!!! Well said. Brava!!!
Omg... Its soo my husband... :(
Thanks for clarifying this term. I have seen many situations where a person spoke directly and calmly, and a toxic person didn't like the message, so they called it "passive aggressive." I think it's because they disliked being called out, and experienced narcissistic injury.
It's sad, but some people cannot even recognize direct communication, let alone use it.
For real? 😂 Assertiveness is the complete opposite of being a sarcastic passive aggresive douche. The level of projection that person was experiencing is serious.
Yes being assertive and stating how you see it becomes "rude", "cruel" and "mean" pushing a person into a defensive emotional stance where you now feel the need to justify your decisions.
I’m just so tired. So tired of dealing with these people. I don’t know why I’m some sort of magnet to them. I think it’s because we have soft bellies :(
(And they, long teeth...)
@@priyao5097 I feel like this. But I worked it out recently they come along to make me stick up for myself and learn to be strong and not allow anyone to push me around. 💜
Now, when I notice this kind of behavior and communication style, the ultimate turn off for me. Top disgusting.
I moved miles away from my parents and I still call them any other day, half going grey-rock, half fluffing them because I cannot bring myself to go no contact. I feel so scared and guilty at the idea that they could get that I don't see them anymore as... well, normal parents. It's like the last taboo. So I play my part and the show goes on, and I feel fake. In the while, I took on so many habits and patterns of behaviour from them, especially passive-aggressiveness, that I don't know how much is now embedded in me. I started policing myself and I asked for forgiveness to my partner and my best friend for how I treated them in the past. I'll have to re-parent myself.
I relate so much, especially about feeling fake. It can be hard to be upfront about how you REALLY feel coming this kind of dysfunction, instead of just confronting it when you've had enough. Working on this too.
May God bless you in your journey of healing.. my parents are both dead(i'm almost 60). Still deal wirh a painful difficult relationship with my only sister. Hang in there, you're doing good.😊
@@Godlywoman88 😘 we'll make it 😘
@@ladykdog1756 thank you for your kind words 😘
So relatable. How are you doing now?
I found my ex being passive aggressive after they ‘gave in’ to a discussion/debate/argument. I found I was paying for it later and more heavily then the original ask. In the end I became conditioned to not bother trying because it would never be worth the payback. I bit my lip for years until I was moved out and our financial dealings were sorted. Absolutely soul sucking. Never again. NEVER.
Don't ever reach out to them after you established No Contact...........EVER!
Naw! We not doin that in 2020 and every year afterwards! 😐
ErikisOfficial Absolutely true. I feel deeply deeply regretted and ashamed after doing that.... if you can’t get over your guilt and give them a second chance, they will use it as a chance to revenge. Not worth the effort, not worth it
@@hyanchichou7179
I agree with you and I believe it's a fact they will work you again. I went no contact before I knew what going "no contact" meant and before I found all this priceless information about narcissism. I never felt guilt but I felt sad and always thought she would come back. I have a stubborn pride in myself that wouldn't allow me to reach out to her after no answer on 2 of my calls. I wanted to but naw! We not doing that in 2020.........
Besides if a person does accept them back the dynamics of the relationship would be different. It wouldn't even be the same. Plus you would be looking at him or her sideways. You don't
wanna be in a relationship with resentment, betrayal, and abandonment sitting in the back of your head
The next person will love you to death! ⚘🌼🌷🌻🌺🌹😍🤗😊😍😘🥰
@Pascal if you can afford to cut your loses.....do it! F*** him and that money!
Personally I'd cut my loses
@Pascal you're strong too, dont be like that. You wanna know what helped me a lot too? Watching several of these video from all different kinds of people and interacting with others. Look up Dr. Ramani on UA-cam. I've watched all her videos and several times over. Stay no contact, dont cheat by looking at his social media, and watch her videos. Get back and let me know how you feel. I have a feeling you'll see clearly. You're probably a lot stronger than what you think
@Pascal i felt like you and many others. I felt really bad and confused. The more I learn about it the more I let go. Dont get me wrong I still think about her and the relationship but I'm not depressed about it anymore. If you being to think about all the good things in the fake love bombing stage dont forget to remember all the stress, depression, betrayal, misleading, lying, gaslighting, and etc in the end. Write it all down and read it to yourself often if you find yourself ruminating. You have to break the cognitive dissonance and trauma bond. It doesn't happen overnight so don't expect it to or you'll set yourself up for more disappointment. I'm no therapist but if you ever wanna talk about it I'll shoot you my info. Usually people who haven't experienced this specifically dont understand that its not a normal breakup.
No Contact! F*** these people! 😆
In the last year of devaluation, before the discard, he used to bash me for enjoying a bowl of warm soup on a cold day, or for enjoying a walk with my dogs. I was suffering so much and couldn't understand why, it took me a decade to understand that is abuse.
My friend who is an overt narcissist uses this tactic a loooot. Grunts, laughing at my words, belittling disguised as jokes, sharing demeaning memes that attack me but it is so indirect and subtle that others dont see it. Only the one who it is directed at and knows the context understands it.
You deserve a real friend, not a "frenemy."
10:15 so spot on! They make you feel you have an eternal debt to pay, and in some settings, its the girls (daughters) in the family who get the bigger share of this guilt trapping, and passive-aggressiveness. "YOU should be doing this not me" "You come and find cooked food on the table" (when you know that the reason she cooks is not you) and one that kills me "I am letting you study at ease, I am not demanding" or "I am letting you live at ease, I am so easy going, you should see other parents" lol They expect you to be grateful that they did not end your existence (yet). When you know they have all the resources to better their lives, they expect their children to be slaves just to satisfy their egos, because anyways, the more you do for them, the more ungrateful and demanding they become. The idea that being a parent makes you a victim, should disappear for good, children do not fall out from the sky, you knew what you were getting yourself into.
So true!
My mother is the QUEEN of passive aggressive behavior and, when called out on the comment, will say “what? I was just saying.” She acts like it wasn’t an intentional dig but it always is. It’s sad ppl like her will always be miserable and take it out on their own child.
WOW Dr. Ramani I just put my final foot down because I've documented everything went to the police/he has hit me used passive aggressive tactics & I'm done. I decided this morning I'm making a UA-cam channel and doing things that I was never allowed to do
Colleen Spuzzillo congratulations for leaving him very happy for you! Follow your dreams stay strong 💪!
Colleen Spuzzillo GOOD!! Proud of you ❤️
Good luck ..
Interested in police response
I'll watch your vids if u upload
I just realised the levels to which the term passive aggressive is projected onto others by people who have themselves just been passive aggressive.
Just wanted to say I broke my friendship with my ex best friend who was a narcissist!!! I cannot tolerate the abuse anymore !
My grandmother would do this frequently. "Woe is me" was the constant vibe
I had to learn that if someone shows you that they don't like you- just leave them alone. Sometimes people struggle with expressing their emotional state, so it's just best to give them their space and don't take it personally. If they have the right to say whatever they feel, then you also have the same right to speak up for yourself. You even free to tell them to not talk to you like that because you're sensitive to indirect language.
"oh yes, it really was nice, thank you so much for understanding and being happy for me" ✌️
Truthfully, listening to you makes me so happy that I am not married. Home is for me a sanctuary. I know that no matter how my workday goes, I don't have to come home to it. My composition- Vata, introverted, highly sensitive- requires a regular break. Being single, no children, living alone provides that.
Wow, this is very interesting. Passive Aggressive was the initial term that led me to the world of narcissism. My ex narc was so passive aggressive and it was so confusing to me. I couldn’t understand why it was so difficult for her to address situations honestly and from a genuine perspective. I know now though. Thank you.
I want to know more of what this looks like just to figure out if i am doing this, but what would those situations look like?
When I don't argue back or let things slide, I got called manipulative and a people pleaser 🤯
They need you to argue back or their whole manipulation falls apart.
Me too. I've started to really stand up for myself, even if it's something they don't want to hear. I don't mean being aggressive, I mean assertive
I hear you. Holding up the white flag is some how manipulation to them? They just throw insults for any reason. Don't take it personally
It’s a double bind. You lose either way...
@Saved By Grace My reply was to Stacey D. It’s not a contest. You don’t win by suffering the most. There’s no such thing as a “quadruple bind”.
My kid’s dad complained about how I cleaned ...so I collected everything he used and dirtied for a week, then when he hid in his den and I heard him complaining to his online side piece...I dumped EVERYTHING - half full drinks and plates , laundry, etc ... right on him, his desk, his keyboard with,”if you don’t like it, do it yourself.”
It was the last time he ever opened his mouth about the quality of my housekeeping - even though I owned a housekeeping business and kept the house alone. Grandma taught me a couple things...took me a while for it to sink in... when someone shows you who they are, show THEM who they are.
The divorce wasn’t fun, high conflict. But, the alienation and all is backfiring on him now, as we knew it would 😜
That’s how I deal with these fucks.
The dishwasher was a constant source of passive aggression in my relationship with my ex. He constantly criticized how I loaded the dishwasher and then would rearrange the dishes in the dishwasher in an agitated manner. It was awful! He was awful! Never again!
If you are honest there were 100 dishwashers in that so-called relationship.
Paul Clinton Can you explain your comment? I’m not sure I understand what you mean 🤔
Virtually Karin That sounds awful and I can relate. Sorry you went through that! 😢
I can relate. Congratulations on leaving him strong 💪 lady.
I would have just left the dishes in a pile on the bench, then if he asked why they were there....I'd just say "well, you don't like how I pack the dishwasher.....so I thought I'd leave it for you to do Dear"
Did he had OCD, by any chance?
Having said that...I am genuinely sorry you went through that...it's a physical demonstration of belittling and demeaning.
That was my mother, ALL of her life......ALL of my life. It actually got funny after I understood it for what it was and I knew it for the guilt trip it was meant to cause in me.
Passive aggression is not just words. Once my husband arranged to fly home from a business trip and meet me and 4 couples for a special dinner at an upscale restaurant. All evening I anxiously watched for him to arrive at the restaurant, but he never showed. I was really disappointed and confused by his behavior. I later realized that he hadn't shown up in order to punish me because I had done something that he didn't like several days earlier. He missed the dinner party on purpose in order to "pay me back". I have also realized that my father used to do the same thing - sometimes even decades later, and would even admit to me what he was doing. My father called it "laying in the weeds" as he waited for the opportunity to pay the person back. It is really hard to have a relationship with someone who is always looking for revenge.
That was childish for him to act like that
Yes. They will disappoint as a power play. Holidays and special occassions are the worst!
Just my opinion Narcissistic family systems can exist in a workplace setting as well At least in my experience and the workplace environment can become very toxic for that person and really affects your psychological,emotional and physical health You can become a scapegoat and a target for the instigators and the negative group think about you So very sad
The sheep will bow to the psycho narc to fit in or to avoid becoming a victim. They are weak-minded. The one who refused to play, gets smeared but leave with their dignity.
@@paulclinton6414 Wow you're so bang on!!! In fact on the numerous occasions that I was meeting with HR I commented to both the labour Relations rep and the Shop Stewart that at least I would leave that place with my head held high I definitely got smeared as evidenced by the numerous ambush meetings I endured and the allegations that were documented At the end of the day I am just so glad to be out of that place and retired!!Yes I was able to leave that workplace with dignity and self respect
Ron Nee yes, it definitely happens in the workplace.
Absolutely! Visit my workplace! ☺️
@M Jazz good for you. Glad you’re feeling better.
More people should see these videos. I was led to believe I had two options only:
1. Dealing with it - doing the extra task just to avoid the unpleasant outcome.
2. Leaving and taking that guilt and eternal debt with me.
When such troubled people do not want to let you get away, they don’t always necessarily break your knees but they do mentally equivalent things to keep you chained to wherever you are.
If you can leave run
Again, thank you sooooo much for all of this. The passive aggressive query that I HATE the most is "What are you doing ______?" And you can fill in the blank with "right now" or "tomorrow at 5" or whatever time-specific constraint. The implication is that if you reply with "nothing" then "nothing" is less important than what the asker has in mind. Seriously! If you want me to show up, tell me what you want. I'm a nice person and will probably agree to be there, simply because you asked. But I don't like having to do double think and respond with a rude "what do you need?"--to find out what the hell I was going to be tricked into doing. Grrrrrrr!
It's not rude to ask what someone wants. You have the right to do so.
Dear Dr. I have put every word into practise. I feel so much better. I understand so much. I do so much for myself now. I have no guilt. My kids and grandkids have their mommy and nana back. I cut my long dreary old woman hair off into a modern pixie cut. Went platinum blonde. Got my groove back. Thank you. Now i say it as it is. Freedom.
Jumping through hoops. Walking on eggshells. Yeah, giving in is easier than the rage that follows if I don't give in. Sigh. . .
I have been learning so much of this behavior 🤦♀️ My daughter is 16 and wants to be a horse trainer, so she works so hard to pay for her training, lessons and board. So I also muck stalls to help her, because my husband wants nothing to do with. I was cleaning the other day and asking myself why do I do this, and my daughter will still give me additude.
I then realized I do this because I LOVE her, and not to manipulate her into loving me. My mom always throws in my face every little thing she has EVER done for me. I hate it, and I don't want to do this to anyone else.
Has anyone else found themselves reacting in a passive-aggressive way in return...like being sarcastic...when you have been dealing with years of passive-aggressive behaviour bombarding you?
When you feel like assertive behaviour falls on deaf ears...sometimes...maybe passive-aggressive comments, are the only words they understand!?!!!!..like speaking THEIR language!
I'm not proud of myself for doing it....but I have become like that, when baited and baited, and I'm at the end of my rope.
Yes definitely with being sarcastic, it seems to frustrate them, especially if it's unexpected. I've known them to pretend not to hear something you've said, or deliberately misunderstand, if it's not what they want to hear. Sarcasm is not the response they want, if it fits in with their narrative they may choose to take it literally, or they may pretend not to hear it, they may take offense. It confuses them, because they can't readily calculate their response.
Yes to avoid conflict or even in self defence about justifying what I had done or sacrificed.
Sarcasism as self defence reminded me of an Alexei Sayle sketch from years ago: ua-cam.com/video/JnPfgX82GmM/v-deo.html
Yes, it’s adaptive to become passive aggressive. The problem is, you can never win that game. Narcs are too skilled at manipulation to ever lose a round.
@kbail yeah, I think that’s what the original post is talking about.
Other forms of passive-aggression are indirect criticism, agreeing to do something that one has no intention of doing, telling lies in order to spare hard feelings, agreeing to a time period one has no intention of fulfilling, making subtle, supposedly funny but very hurtful comments to undermine another's sense of competence. Passive-aggression can almost be a subtle form of gaslighting in eroding someone else's confidence.
Honest cooperation is always better than competition, and almost anything is better than open or repressed hostility.
I actually had one person who was dear to me say in a text: "I ask that you forgive me for thinking that you were stronger than what you are."
This was his comment to me because I choose self-protection and distance over "forgiving" my narcissistic parents.
He was wrong.
Refusing to be abused is ALWAYS a sign of strength.
God bless you.
Amazing lecture. I work with a woman (53) who is passive aggressive. When you said IMMATURE" you nailed it. She is exactly that.
I'm a survivor, on a way to thrive. 💪🏽
I know, If I can do it, you all can! 🔥
It might sound crazy, but I think that everyone that's a narcissist-magnet must come across a strong damaging narcissist, once in their lifetime. 🤔
The reason is: we have been so primed to take the abuse that it doesn't feel so, unless someone thrashes us left, right and centre. It's deeply agonizing, but a wake-up call. 🔔 Apart from getting healed from the abuse of one narcissist, we get trained in escaping such monsters in future. 🏋️
The universe has loads of energy for you, you need not depend on any sadist to derive it from. 🌞 More power to all the good people out there! 🌍 🙏🏽
You CAN do it! 💜
Very well explained! Thank you
I am allergic for people who play the victem and for passive agressive behaviour. I walk away.
If something does not feel right (chronic) i don’t want to be in it.
I love how funny you are! These are serious matters yet they are pleasantly presented with humor. You're light hearted and it is well appreciated. Thank you
Yes exactly! My covert narc ex best friend was so passive aggressive it was so annoying. She was severely self-entitled & could never be happy for anybody even when directly complimenting, it was in a fake exaggerated tone.
I have always hear the term passive-aggressive being thrown around and not really understood it. Thank you for your clear examples, so many things are brought to light. And thanks for encouraging us on the self-reflection. I think most everyone is guilty of this from time to time. Sometimes when our feelings are hurt, we hide behind it.
Thanks Dr Ramani you just described my mom! She always told me that she gave up a lot to become a parent and that I should be more grateful! I always felt guilty about that, I felt like guilty for even existing. No one ever told me that parents are supposed to care for you, and just accept you for who you are. When I grew up it felt more like ,I have to do something so she won't be mad at me. It's like walking on eggshells. I never knew when the outburst was gonna come and strike me.
When a narc wants to provoke a reaction from you in front of a group of people and doesn't get it, they pretend you're the passive-aggressive one, giving them the silent treatment. Why can't they just live and let live?
Laura Martins don’t worry other people will see what’s what.
Because they have a peronality disorder,,,,
The first time this happened, I was stunned into silence...it absolutely came out of nowhere, for no reason.The people there, we also shocked. Some said, "whoa, some gasp..yeah, it was that bad.
Because they are not cognitively normal.
@@tracydanneo all will have to overcome narcissism! None can escape it's clutches
My husband to the tee! I just ignore him, then if he keeps going I start playing an invisible tiny violin. I don’t give in to him anymore.
Thank You! Straight talk is excellent. Manipulative talk nasty! So precise
Dr Ramani, I've had the poor luck of having had a girlfriend with BPD, and a mother with NPD. Through it all, I found so much strength and practical advice from your videos. Thank you so much. It makes me want to work in a profession where I too can have such a REAL impact on the lives of others (still in college).
Yes! The narcissist would definitely say how hard is life at work, life with COVID, life with his traumas, how his friends are not real friends, how everything is getting worse and he does not want to deal with you telling them to do their part. And at the end, instead of listening to their constant complaints, bad temper and drama, you just end up doing whatever shore needs to be done. They would never even say thank you... once he told me “it was the least he expected from me after he had to work extra hours” (extra hours was the code for cheating on me with other women).
My bestfriend recently has been so passive aggressive and she shows signs of grandiosity.. she told me I had no right or reason to act like I’m vibrating from a higher frequency because it “makes no sense” to her apparently.. all because she thinks transformation is outward... sadly she’ll never understand the pain I went through to get to my transformation... which we all know is in the body and mind... but her mask fell off shaming my transformation so now it’s time for me to cut off another friend!!!
Going back all my exes including my ex-husband they were all narcs . Now that I finally live alone I realized how bad it really was. I just enjoy my dog and my two cats and all my coworkers that’s all I need and non toxic family members ♥️🙏 almost 60 and want the rest of my life drama free
With some ppl who are passive-aggressive, it’s the only way they can fight back. The subject that goes toe to toe with an abuser, he may find himself punished as in the workplace or assaulted as in the home. Passive-aggressive behavior is very common in the military among junior enlisted troops that attempt to undercut their immediate superior or other members of the chain of command. Phrases such as “ you never told me I couldn’t, I thought you meant something else, I don’t recall, It wasn’t me, I don’t know and don’t care” are part of their mantra. Most of these passive -aggressive types leave the military at the end of their enlistments or receive administrative discharges.
True. The only option sometimes. And necessary, unfortunately.
Thank You Dr Ramani!
I learned from you so much and now realize that my brother, (who I always thought had so much negativity because afflicted with long-term depression, stomach problems, etc.), is the true covert narcissist and uses the passive aggressive technique all the time, loving to blame everyone else, even the whole world!
I have learned to just let slide the passive-agressive comments and let him brood....whereas before I would spend so much time trying to help comfort him, or deter the self-afflicting negativity he harbors, to no avail!
Glad to hear martyrs brought up, I remember calling my mom one how many years ago and she was taken completely off-guard! 😂 I know challenging a narcisist is ill-advised for many, but it hasn’t failed me yet!
This is bringing back so many memories I have forgotten about and why I still feel all this guilt for living!!
JoAnne Swan same. My parents were always reminding me of all the things they did for me. From the time I could walk until even 5 years ago. It’s very sad for me because now I have 2 parents who are 90 years old with dementia. My father is up and down with moods but tends to more loving and kind. I think 🤔 to myself “Where was this man when I needed him? “ I have worked hard in therapy but it still hurts. My mother has just become impossible she’s tried to physically assault me and called me a thief recently. Luckily I was able to understand she was always a Narcissist and this was always the way she was and she will never change. I’m their POA and my brother stays far away from them. He’s just waiting for them to die so he can collect the money 💰 it’s a sad situation. Guilt like you said has been a long struggle for me. I’m not going to do it anymore though. These videos and reading comments are helping me so much. Hang in there...you’re doing the best you can!
@@MsVshizzle dont ever sink to anothers level please. Wgen my mother was dying, sge had dementia and was mean and manipulative. I took care of my mother abd my sister took care if her finances from 1500 miles away. It was as bad as it sounds. All is forgiven but that took some time. My sister is still a problem, but i cant let her occupy my mind and heart. I have thw shallow conversations with her because... she's still many miles away and my mother is gone...and i want to be a happy person with no resentments and that is my choice. God bless
Kdog 17 I’m not sure what you mean about sinking to another’s level?
@@MsVshizzle when my mother was dying i let others drive me crazy over petty little stuff and i became pretty combative. I regret that
Can you do a video on sleep deprivation as a abuse tactic the narcissist uses to break their victim. This happened to me.
What's that exactly?
Not alone on that one. Narcissist did this to me alll the time. It was usually used as a way of making sure I slept late so that the narc could get on the computer for the early a.m. chat sessions in order to love bomb/check the "weird" sites he was on, as well as make it difficult for me to think straight...so when I was bitchy from lack of sleep, or from woken up, there was an excuse to leave or act like I had NO REASON to be upset. This is one that I am interested in also.
boop I agree - this is an overlooked p/a form of abuse. It sent me to the edge of a breakdown.
@@pamelariley6694 This sounds exactly like the narc I deal with.....and I have also had the "slap in the face" as he turned over, as they pretended to be asleep. I really had to keep myself from slapping the narc back. I could just imagine him smiling to himself in the dark. They are SUCH ASS-WIPES!!!
@boop They also use sleep deprivation as a way of gaining information to weaponize at a later date, similar to a police investigator. They'll also lie and say you said something you didn't. When you deny that you said it, they'll gaslight you and say you were too sleepy to remember. In reality, they are sadisticly torturing you, and they love every minute of it.
Growing up my narcissistic mother used to be very annoyed at her narcissistic mother because she wished granny would just say what she means instead of these roundabouts. Interestingly my mother does the same thing now...I also feel that whatever my mother can't/doesn't express to my grandmother, I have to take. My mother's idea is that you should honour your parents, do everything for them no matter what etc. So I think that what she doesn't say to her mother she takes out on me. All the regrets she might have, thinking her actions would finally make her mother happy and lift her to be the golden child, she expresses passively aggressively to me. And now that she's getting older she thinks she has the right to act however she wants and it's my duty to jump through hoops for her. Just like she's been doing with her mother (that just got worse the older she got). I put up a boundary a few months ago for the first time in my life. She did not like it. Still sulks and it makes it very difficult to look after her. I think she thought that I would follow the same choice she did just because her thinking is right and it's her turn to be the sulky parent. Reality check was not welcomed, but I'm NOT going back to that abusive way of living.
This examples were perfect. My mother uses them constantly so I became numb in a way and I didn’t recognize the passive aggressiveness anymore. It became normal to me. And I just accepted and internalized never being enough and always being wrong. But this video shook me. Never again am I gonna be played by my mother like that.
TRUST is like a crystal glass that once it's broken its hard to put the pieces back together and when you try to fix them, you might get puncture and get hurt. The crystal glass would never be the same no matter what, that is why it's important to apply wisdom when dealing with our partners and i believe smartness is essential in any relationship. I got help from (Cybertech-tracker) as he helped cloned my cheating husband’s phone and I got access to all his phone Text messages, Imessages, Facebook, Instagram, Whats-app, Skype, Kik, Twitter, Snap-chat, Email and social media chats without touching his phone. My husband was a cheating Narcissist but I'm glad to uncover his deceits, secrets and Infidelity. All I did was share his phone number with (cybertech-tracker) and i was able to read his recent and deleted messages from my phone without laying my hands on his phone and he has no idea his phone has been cloned. I was hurt when i saw a picture of my husband and his lover, i felt so bad about infidelity. I’m here in Australia and was able to access his phone while he was away cheating in the UK and saw all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned . He also does hacking of account or any other type of hacking and retrieval of data. His services are trusted and guaranteed and also affordable. Contact this great hacker via Gmail (cybertechtracker) or text and speak to him directly on his phone and Whats-app : +1 (202) 697-7171. Thank me, later...#Stay-safe & Stay-home
Isabella Ryan how is this legal? Pretty sure violating someone’s privacy like that is against the law. I would never do something like that. The most important thing in narcissistic relationships is trusting your gut. Doesn’t matter if you have proof. Just leave because it feels wrong. Too often people want to be right instead of happy. If it feels weird and you suspect something, just leave for your own sake. But don’t become like the narcissist. Don’t violate others and most importantly don’t violate yourself. Respect yourself enough to just leave even if there’s a chance that you’re wrong. Leave because it FEELS not right. No need to break the law or your own moral code. Love and respect for yourself and others is the way!
I find myself falling into to this pattern. Thanks for encouraging me to recognize what I'm doing and break out of it.
If you’re stuck with a passive aggressive person I came up with the PERFECT solution.
Is super hard. But you have to pretend to be really angry about something that’s irrelevant. Then when they be passive aggressive, it will be about that. Rather than the thing you actually get angry about.
Best thing I’ve found.
Ill try it
I don’t understand would you mind explaining it to me again 👍
Everybody can be passive aggressive at times , you don’t have to be to be a narcissist to be passive aggressive.
My mom is the biggest covert narcissist and passive-aggressive person that I have ever intimately known and encountered in my entire life. My birth dad was an overt narcissist. He was also passive-aggressive. It's no wonder why I have been so messed up and having to do the crazy amount of work of processing and healing from all of the narcissistic abuse that I have had experienced throughout my life. This video definitely spoke to my life for real. Glad that I am not delusional on what I could have sworn up and down that it was and is. I love this glossary series.
10:18 " 'I do so much for you' you fill in the blank." I know it's a good Dr R video when I pause and rewind it to copy the text. 15:38 "You get a lot of bang from the passive-aggressive buck if you're narcissistic." So well said, and so nauseatingly true.
"passive aggression is a universal part of the narcissistic relationship because manipulation is a universal part of the narcissistic relationship" (13:58). . . "and robs the authenticity of a relationship" (17:50). In my last visit to my 'narc', he pointedly told me of how he had spent over $60.00 on a cab ride to an event that in the past we had attended together. It seemed clear to me that his intention was to make me feel guilty for being out of touch with him during this time, and for the money he had 'had' to spend. But by then I knew better. I knew he could have asked for a ride from someone else attending the event (he wasn't able to drive), or he could have chosen not to go; in any case, his choice was not my responsibility!
I think he was hoping that this passive aggressive move would hook me back in with guilt and remorse, but by then I had given too much for too long that I knew I had more than earned my 'break'/ exit. When I left that day (for the last time) he did not hug me (he always wanted to hug me and didn't register my discomfort with his hugs). I think now, in looking back, that this was a sign of his anger and disappointment (silently fuming inside but being 'polite' on the surface). In any case, it doesn't matter now if he was mad/ sad/ disappointed/ hurt (all the things that used to hook me in), because now I'm free (and I am doing the work to make sure I don't get into a narcissistic relationship again)! Thank you Dr. Ramani!
The guilt that often comes from passive agressiveness is probably the reason why I in my relationship felt so manipulated all the time. This put a few new perspectives on what is passive agressiveness.
Thanks!
My covert husband often talks in such a passive agressive manner that when I look at him with hurt and confusion , he'd laugh aloud and tease me that I don't understand what sarcasm is! For years I have let his backhanded insults and guilt making slide while brainwashing myself for not having a lighter side of life!:(
Similar to being told an offensive comment meant to trigger your insecurities and when I respond calmly then being told I can’t take a joke! Assholes.
U start from today. Do not give him reaction. To anything. If anything give him same back or more. Give him oposite reaction what u used to. Show u dint care. He will feel he is losing control. U can do it.
Sarcasm can be used in a way that is positive - it can be very funny and ease the tension about a topic. Or it can be used destructively and passive aggressively as a weapon to insult & degrade - under the guise of being positive ‘oh its just a joke’.
@@universaltruth2025 I agree. But you have to have the ability to talk honestly and authentically and clarify things if the other person is upset or didn't get your joke. And that is the difference. Narcs never do that, they enjoy it when the other person is doubting and gets miserable.
You don't have to question yourself anymore now that you know what it's all about
"That's fair" is powerful
This is a super cute look on you Dr. Ramani! The necklace and the lip color are both so vibrant and spring-y.
I was accused of being passive aggressive by the narcissistic person I am living with. Their definition of passive aggression was my acute silence that followed the few days after they erupted their narcissistic rage on me. Those quiet moments I rendered talking through or absolving issues and differences useless. My lack of a reaction was passive aggression to them. The immense guilt I felt from this has been a huge part of my life. I feel somewhat better understanding the dynamics of this. I have a lot of growing to do. But I also have plenty of escaping to do.
My late husband, who had many of the narcissistic traits described, used to accuse me of being 'passive aggressive' when I didn't say anything! Of course, everything was always my fault somehow even the lung cancer which killed him when I, a non smoker, had been trying to persuade him to stop smoking for his health's sake for many years. When he told me we had been 'invited' to a 'party' at his parent's house (and God help you if you didn't go when summoned) and I didn't say anything, he said I was being 'passive aggressive'! I am grateful to you for clarifying what is actually meant by passive aggressive. I certainly didn't say things like that.
Terri Guiccioli,You don't need a narc 😈 in your life!!
I was passive-aggressive (silent treatment) in response to the overwhelming fights. I completely shut down due to being emotionally overwhelmed and just didn't have the energy anymore.
Dr Ramani. You have no idea what a savior you are! I have been following you for months and listen to you daily. I have someone in my life for 30+ years, a parental figure that uses p/a as part of their lives. I’ve been guilt ridden for years and being that my own mother is a covert narcissist, I was too close to this other person to see the writing on the wall. Now, hearing you, it just clicked. Sadly, she’s another ill go no contact with. I’ve been cleaning house and thanks to you, you made me feel I’m not insane. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
When my boyfriend would do this i would always say, if you need something just tell me. 🙄 but he never stopped, I never interpreted it as a form of abuse. Smh
Gosh that dishwasher example is so on point. “I’m tired”. “I’m hot” “I just worked for 8 hours”. “I could be doing this but no I’m here trying”. god for bid I speak up and say something like I worked too but I still give my all.. huge argument waiting to happen.
These videos are so addictive!:)) Thanks a lot for sharing! You are saving lives!
Oh absolutely!! My father would hang "all the wonderful things mother did and does for you" over our heads every single time mommy dearest wasn't happy.
🙄🙄
Thank you for these videos, they are so informative and right on target. I've had narcissists around me my whole life (a parent and a spouse), and all of this information rings so true with my experience. I hope others can learn from this and avoid the life-draining experience of getting in to a serious relationship with a narcissist. No matter how much you do for a narcissist, it will not be enough. So pack your bags, we're going on a guilt trip :)
Dr. Ramani, Wow! I am doing research for a character that I am writing, and boy this stuff is great! I love your easy, informed manner. I love how you differentiate between normal behavior and more destructive patterns of behavior. Not only has this helped me with my character, but it has given me great insight on how to watch my own behavior with others, and how to side step getting quagmired in someone else's bad behavior. I wish you the very best!
They're irritating as f in real life...but they sure can drive a story forward.
@@ct6852 you got that right! I mean writing a novel is about creating resolvable conflict, so they fit the bill. Not that anyone can change anyone else, but that people can become aware of the behavior pattern and sometimes leave or minimize the emotional damage the Narcissist does to them and others.
I can't thank Dr Ramani enough for this series. It has opened my eyes. If I could have had this info years ago I would be in a different situation today. I am hoping she will put all the different videos she's done in this series on a dvd that we can buy. Because I need to be reminded - constantly - of what I am dealing with. Somebody here commented, 'if it feels icky, it toxic' - that's spot on. The body does not lie - as I have read many timess. Thanks to all who share here. You're helping me heaps. X
These videos are a blessing... personally, they’re shedding some light on a toxic ex spouse. So very insightful
You're gorgeous, and the confident yet gentle way you behave when teaching makes you even more attractive. I wish I was more like you when dealing with a narc, so thank you for your inspiration.
These videos are saving my life. I am going to feel comfort in my home. I think my wife and I are good people and both want love and connection, but were taught bad behaviors. Everything is finally making sense. I am now equipped to avoid being mistreated and avoid mistreating the people I care about. Boy is it scary now being able to identify narcissistic behavior at work and the people in power.