⏱ TIMESTAMPS 0:00 - Intro 1:12 - 1. Criticizing Others “Criticism of others is a form of self-commendation. We think we make the picture hang straight on our wall by telling our neighbors that all his pictures are crooked.” ― Fulton J. Sheen 3:25 - 2. Worrying About the Future “Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.” ― Corrie Ten Boom 5:31 - 3. Ruminating on the Past “To think too much is a disease.” ― Fyodor Dostoyevsky 7:33 - 4. Maintaining Unrealistic Expectations “He was swimming in a sea of other people’s expectations. Men had drowned in seas like that.” ― Robert Jordan 10:29 - All You Need to Know
@@paulgraham5370 I think if everybody just worried about their own self ....like they should try looking inward and handling their business instead of looking at everyone else and comparing. Its like opinions are like assholes everybody has one but that doesn't mean you should share it ....also I don't need an extra asshole filling the room with more hot air. I'm tired of people today.
Why don't they have hobbies or take up gardening or crossword puzzles. Why do people have so much time to even care or know what other people are doing. I literally avoid knowing peoples business. Cause like I think other peoples business is boring or I'd rather be doing a satisfying activity than watching neighbors or talking shit at the water cooler.
I don't even have a job and my neighbors watch everything I do. And they even have jobs. Is there a store or something that sells time these people go to cause why they got so much time for other peoples business.
Idkw this is even in my feed. Im not gonna even watch all of this. Bc i know i dont really have to. Which reminds me tho, someone tried to call me projective. Then left it a one sentence claim. Oh? Care to thoroughly explain that one? Bc the context he used it in made no sense at all. I said, "you prob want to know what the word means before using it out of context." My edit was: " idk if that was even addressed to me, or the other person who decided to unload his bs onto me. " Something like that. The commenter said," i know what it means 😉." Ohhhh, so clever there w/ your non explanations. Predictably didnt go into an explanation then blocked me, lol. Balls of steel indeed. Some of the ppl that request me tho. You really are that delusional, arent you?! Lmao @ the ppl who fell for the worship bs... Anyways, if i left a fn full convo up, everything on display, nothing i could possibly even edit out, i prob ... Am not hiding sh?! Not just that, but id prob hafta initiate sh first. Observe a person second. Compare myself to that person 3rd. Then unleash my insecurities onto that person 4th. Considering that person was nonexistent to me, invited himself into my world, pretty forcefully, (regardless of how i say i am. Think or feel. Bc f that, right? Its only a matter of how others tell me how i am. On repeat ... 😒. Not bc theyre actually saying anything. But bc theyre wannabe manipulative & dense instead. For starters, u should see how obvious you put yourself on display yourself, b4 going @ others ), the person who was projecting... To begin with, said that i needed to , "f off cunt." Lol, what happened? You invited yourself onto my space?! Begged for attention?! But didnt like the kind you recieved?! Weh. Prob not invite yourself somewhere then tell them to f off then. What in the world? Cunt, bc you know ppl gotta start in w/ names when they dont have anything else left to actually say. If ppl actually had a brain, theyd see things for what it is & see that whoever interacts w/ me, just opposed that entire convo. 🤦🏻♀️Omfg, I dont need to explain that one either. bc ppl r clever, right? Right... 🤦🏻♀️ Projective would be me like Intrusively invading his space. And telling him something about himself, when im really just telling him about my life. Like bitch, youre 1, out 12345 ppl to me. 2345 looks like thirst. You really think that im that invested about this & that? I only care if ppl seem like decent enough ppl. Yeah, Some somehow manage to invite themselves (bc my ratio of my invites vs the ones i receive would be like 1/100. Idk something like that) & slip through the cracks. But just like that, i delete ppl like it aint sh to me. Bc its not. I care about humanity. But spare me details. Idgaf about the hoes you dont got & whatever else petty & non important. Not bc im not trying to have an open mind. Its just youre not gonna force sh on me. Youre not gonna try to harmfully manipulate me. Youre not gonna talk like youre that fn oblivious. All these other things i dont like. Bc you know? Thats what normal ppl would rather want to deal with. Better, more happy, non diluted energy.
"If you want to move on with your life instead of staying stuck in the past, you must accept the past for what it is, including feeling helpless. You must give up the choice to endlessly revisit it. No matter how much it distracts you from your real pain: the pain of helplessness. When in doubt, take action in the present, instead of dwelling on the past."
Brilliant video. Absolutely nailed me for sure. I sometimes get swept up into daydreams of vivid clarity involving conflict with another person(s) to the extent that when I come out of the daydream, the body is ful of the fight response and I think "Why am I doing this?". A lot of it is my frustration and lack of assertiveness. Ironic that fear of calm assertiveness leads to denial of another person's value. Mindfulness is the key. Witnessing what's happening in the present instead of being caught up in it. Love this video. It's got me motivated!
This video is basically “Mindfulness 101” and I love it🙏🏼 one of my goals with my channel is to bring mindfulness into the mainstream and this video does exactly that! Keep up the great work🔥
I fall prey to the first three, but rather the 3 more than the first row. I don’t tend to criticize others and usually do it only when necessary which I guess counts as a warranted time. I do tend to think of the future and the past a lot, but mostly because I’m sort of stuck in a position in my life where I can’t really change it too much right now and that lack of mobility has left me feeling sort of helpless. I think I one thing the video could maybe have afforded was the need to be objectively aware of how mature they are, or objective in as minimally opinionated as possible about it.
@@drakesmith471 I have a hard time not playing the past especially with PTSD. Its not even a choice either it just pops up in my head and I'm screwed for like 2 hours cause my adrenaline is off the charts. 😰
Dima Knopf I’m sorry to hear that. I am not in the same position but I have had not much to do besides just ponder for the last several months, open time to sit, ponder, and just be alone, doesn’t usually lead to good things. I’m sorry for your situation, I couldn’t imagine and I feel quite bad for you. I hope it can improve for you, but I well know that you can’t just hope PTSD goes away.😕
Criticism is a tool, and if handled right, can resolve problems but, criticising behaviour rather than people is the best way to use it. Embrace uncertainty, because within it lie your greatest triumphs and your greatest failures. So, uncertainty contains your greatest joys, and the greatest sources of learning - your mistakes. Learn from them. Stop trying to make a pig sing "Should" is a word that works best when applied to yourself, and no-one else. Keep up your own standards, and let others keep their own. Either accept them as they are, or leave them be.
BigHenFor I agree, judging others by your moral standards is a mistake. Whenever a person judges others and uses the phrase “You should” it’s a mistake. However, the phrase, “ I do as I should,” is empowering. My response to those who would morally judge me with “You should” is to distance myself or ignore them. However, when necessary, you should stand up and affirm your own moral standards and say, “I do as I should.”
Good video. I would say that planning is not about denial. As a project manager it is completely reasonable to plan, for see potential risks and make mitigation plans. That does not mean you are overthinking things. Uncertainty is a fact of life, but not an excuse for doing nothing.
The unrealistic expectations one hit me hard because I've lived with multiple people who inevitably kicked me out because of this. Since I'm a child abuse survivor, I've had a couple people give me shelter under the naive assumptions and expectations that the second I found safety, I'd immediately start thriving to the point of either being rich and successful or at least something worth bragging about to others. The more I focused on taking my recovery at a pace I could handle instead of doing what these people wanted to see me do, the more they got angry and tried to control me. Both times, it got to a point that I didn't want to be there anymore, then they kicked me out before I could find somewhere else to stay. One family even admitted to my face that they only took me in because they thought they could control my life and force me down a certain path. They had a strained relationship with their youngest son because they wanted a straight, strong football player with a full college scholarship and he ended up being bi, obese, college dropout, and artistically minded. They stunted his growth by holding this expectation over his head for him to be a person he was never meant to be. It really can be so damaging to think in that way. I always tell people to be honest with me and tell them if I'm doing something like that because I'd hate to grow up to be like them.
My Stress Management teacher posted this video for our chapter on Emotional Intelligence. I just wanted to say I especially appreciated the section on "unrealistic expectations" as I am always thinking about how others should or could be instead of meeting them where they are. I also LOVE the transition music, such a bop as they say.
I agree. It is nice to see more of it coming into the mainstream but still a long way to go before we understand how to use EI effectively for leaders.
I don't think it is underexplored, but maybe lately. Judge not, remove the plank from your own eye before removing the splinter from your neighbors. Consider the lillies of the field. Worry less about tomorrow. Do not fixate on your past failures. Accept them. Admit them. Go forth and stop failing. Do not expect others to live up to your expectations. Love all your neighbors, not just your tribe or family. Not just who you deem rightous. Seems I've heard these things somewhere before.
I'd rather plan and have the "illusion" of control than feel uncertainty about the future. And rather reflect on past mistakes to be mindful of not repeating them. I think those are valid forms of reducing anxiety. The only advice from this video to cope uncertainty is to simply "accept" it. Very easily said, but far more difficult than the video makes it seem.
My initial thoughts were the same, but if you listen through and contemplate, what he is really trying to articulate is to reduce worrying, pessimism and obsession/compulsiveness. Thinking logically about the future, and putting plans in place for how you will achieve the goals you set for yourself is a good thing. But those plans also need to be adaptable to change. If you sit there worrying about every possible scenario and “what if?” then you may never get anything done. The same applies to thinking about the past. Being able to think about a past scenario and identify mistakes, and how you can improve in the future is a positive trait, but constantly replaying the past over and over and wishing you can change the past isn’t going to benefit anyone.
same, i noticed myself getting angry at people, but after calming down i realized that the problem starts with me and my emotions, i will be a better person from now on
Wow! Everything this video says not to do I feel like my brain has been hardwired to do my entire life. This an extremely helpful and alleviating video. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart, I’m so glad I can be fully aware of this now
Only after Point 1 and it brings up a good example about my relationship with a friend of mine that I was constantly having frustrations with. Over time, I realized his mannerisms and my assumptions about how he viewed me as a person was all in my head 100% rent-free. I went to him to talk it out and apologize for my internal guilt about the way I’ve obsessed so negatively about him. I don’t think it’s selfish to say that I am absolutely proud of myself for that nugget of personal growth for myself ❤️
Anytime i vent about something or someone, its not crazy. You know your phone is listening. Bc sure enough, someone else whos Stupid & delusional enough will fall for divisive things, so they can magically feel better about themselves. Easy .Well, congrats youre still not. Bc ppl go about talking about the same topics that just got recycled... Emotional intelligence requires this: observing things others dont notice. That think you dont notice sh. Im gonna offset things. Im gonna put details out in the universe, where only a certain person would know that was true. But itll be 1/ 4 ths truths. The rest will be bs lies. Bc ppl love those things. Have fun with that . 🤗 Lol 🤢🖐️ some ppl really have absolutely no room to talk tho. Absolutely none!
Hi Steven, well as for the many of us who have yet to even get the FIRST check, today I was on the phone for a couple of hours with not one, but 2 IRS agents. The first one went almost immediately postal on me as she seemed to have an angry edge from the get go - shouting at me that this stimulus check and pandemic thing has burdened the IRS and basically has been a pain in their (her?) side! She hung up on me before I could get a few words in edgewise. I called back, and finally I was greeted by the most helpful agent yet out of so many - shout out to Miss Wilson for being so thorough, helpful and kind! Anyway, both agents told there's been some systemwide disconnect between the IRS/Treasury and people's banks - and at least since last week it sounds like many people did not receive their direct deposits, like me still waiting. No specifics on when or if it will be solved. So the 2nd agent made a referral for my case to the Taxpayer Advocate's service and took my phone and email and said I should expect a call from them to help me, faster than the 90 days (!!) a trace would take. Meanwhile, my bank seems to be continuing their Federal Reserve system search for my funds transmitted on the 19th. Never underestimate the level of incompetence out there, sadly.
It seems to me that there is another crucially important aspect to this topic that had been forgotten, ignored, sidelined or something; and this is contributing to confusion and inhibiting a more accurate & complete perspective. And that is: EMOTIONAL MATURITY There is certainly some connection and even correlation between these concepts. But for the most party they are quite distinct, and yet somehow the 'intelligence' part seems to have replaced or consumed the 'maturity' aspect- which I believe is actually more important and has a more profound and consequential effect on our lives. I believe that is really what you're getting at in this video in essence. I mean, everything you mentioned is inherently part of being emotionally mature...
True, the the narrators caveat was that emotional intelligence is not something or things that you do but more a combination of things that you do not do :)
That's because it's not a thing. Emotion is one thing, intelligence is another. Smushing the two words together results in a nonsense phrase. It's like saying... orange banana... or smell speach. It simply means nothing because there's no such thing.
@@rontarrant I agree with your analogy and I will just add, I think it is also and better referred to as your IQ and your EQ. Very separate things. I have high IQ but appalling EQ.
I don’t say that people are dumb to make myself feel good. I say it out of disappointment in the world that we live in. That doesn’t make me feel good at all. However, I do understand that there are people that do what you’ve explained. I will say that I have been making an effort to try to understand why it is that people say and do things that are irrational. I have been working on changing my vocabulary by finding replacements for words like “dumb”. I think that many of the times, maybe most of the times, that I have used that word to describe someone, what I really mean is that they are inexperienced or lacking in knowledge.
Birdsong Your psyche is trying to make sure you understand so as not to repeat mistakes. Don’t beat yourself up though 😊 If I had not ruminated/thought hard about aspects of my past I would not have gained the insights I did and would not have realised to ask certain questions to find out important facts I did not know.
Lady But, I think if you ruminate too much, you kick yourself over and over for something you can’t change NOW. Learning something is different than ruminating.
You already know what you did wrong. Think of right things to do now and do them. If some things don't work, think of how to do it right but don't dwell on it constantly. When the opportunity arises, you already figured out what to do, take advantage of it and act now. You have created your own good luck.
Birdsong I think you are a very emotionally sensitive person, as am I. I do the same thing. You must learn to forgive yourself for being human. Just work on it. It helps me if I look at the situation learn from the mistake then most important-- forgive myself.
Stop criticizing others never worry about the future Don't dwell in the past, learn the lessons and move on Unhealthy Expectation is a block away from disappointment.... my 4 takes. and thanks for the post
This is the most intelligent and practical self development resource I have ever discovered. I am confronting the imminent loss of a close family member and I’m beside myself with fear and worry about how I will cope; and trying to be “prepared.” It is most likely futile. And ruminating excessively on the past? That’s my specialty. As well as every other video from The Art of Improvement, I feel humbled. Thank you…
compliments to your whiteboard skills. the layout and the content are just brilliant. I salute to your imagination, creativity, and conceptualization. 3 cheers!
Wow! Exactly what I needed! I was about to tell a friend that another person they were collaborating with was not deserving of their attention, time or favor, in any way and all the "good" reasons why I was right, of course! That would have hit 1, 2 and 4, a triple! Glad I stopped myself. Upon reflection, I think that would have rocked our friendship, possibly, irretrievably. Thank you for your fine videos!
Props for adding a so much diversity in the animations ❤️. Once we as a species master emotional intelligence, we will realise that, despite our differences, we're all one
I began ruminating on the past when I was in 2nd grade, thinking about how much better I could have done 1st grade. I've wanted this misguided control before I'd ever had issues to control.
Good video. Wish it was around 20 years ago when I really needed to understand a particular co-working who I was having problems with at the time. Christina had worked in another department before she came over to ours (this was at a major internet service provider). Now, in the early 2000's, the Internet industry was pretty new and our company was finding its way, so internal policies were rare and finding a policy that was consistently applied was even rarer...meaning to say that no two engineers followed the same procedure when resolving an issue. The end result was a department that was more focused on getting the customer up and running and then moving on to the next order or call. Christina appointed herself the department QA person and would go into other engineer's orders after circuit activation, evaluate their activities based on her opinion then report her findings to the manager. One day I got tired of her snooping and I told the manager that he needed to either tell her to stop it or to announce to the department that she was the QA person and that her input needed to be followed. The manager confided that he had told her repeatedly to stop meddling in other people's work. BTW, I should point out that while she might have been finding minor discrepancies and procedural errors, those were in-house issues. The customers were up and running and the revenues were coming in from those circuits, which was ALL that mattered to management and the company. I tried explaining to her that the company didn't attach any value to her nit-picking, but being the narcissistic megalomaniac that she was (you know, the one who stood on the playground as a child and ordered other children around), she didn't listen. So, one day, after we received our annual bonuses, she was lurking outside our supervisor's office. As I walked by, she asked me, in a typically blunt manner, "Did you get your bonus?". I responded "That's MY business, not yours. Since when do you think you are entitled to ask me a personal question like that?" That took her aback (the sad thing is, you can't be nice to people like her. There's always that one asshole that you've got to drop an anvil on). So she said "I didn't get my bonus check. I called so-and-so (our department head) and he said that it was because I cause problems". I took a deep breath to give me time to decide if I really wanted to dive into this mess or not, then I decided "fuck it. This bitch has been a pain in everyone's ass for as long as I've been here. I'm going to take her down a notch". So I said "He's right, Christina, you DO cause problems. Just because people don't do things your way, you run to management and snitch on them like a 5 year-old snitching to her teacher. You should know by now that, with all the other organizational and procedural issues we have here, your's aren't aligned with management's or its priorities". And to add the icing on the cake, she had been speaking disparagingly about our supervisor while standing right outside the latter's office, so I said "just look at what you are doing right now. You're running down Beth (our supervisor) and management (can't recall his name), having a conversation that you shouldn't be having, right outside Beth's office. Is that really what a professional does? THINK about it!" So Christina transferred to another department a few weeks later...but I guess her reputation as a trouble-making snitch preceded her, and she ended up getting transferred back out to Ohio, which was where she was from, but again her reputation seemingly preceded her and within a few months was gone completely from the company. To give you an idea of how much I truly disliked this person (and there are only about 4 or 5 people with whom I have worked over the course of 40 years that I would say I "disliked"), I wouldn't invite her to my Xmas parties. One day she found out I had an Xmas party and true to her controversial form, she challenged me on it. She came up to me and said "Thanks for not inviting me to your party". I wasn't in the mood for any of her bullshit, so I said "Christina, if I ever let someone like you into my home, I would burn it to the ground, with that person still in it". Fuck her. Anyway, thanks for the video. It hit on a couple points that really mattered. Like I said, I wish it had been around 20 years ago.
Would love to see the topic of Constructive Criticism. As when a parent teaches a child. A teacher speaking to a student. A mentor advising his learner. A good Boss managing his employees.
I SERIOUSLY disagree with this. My mother browbeat and emotionally and mentally abused my siblings and I until I turned 18 and moved out. At that point of moving out, I thought I was the stupidest, most unskilled ugliest, and most undesirable man around. What my mother built into me was all I knew. I decided to overcome these obstacles and it took me a VERY long time to do so. I realized when I got out in the real world as an adult just how broken and emotionally crippled I was. But by pure perseverance and diligence, I grew and made a life for myself. I'm 53 now and am a Senior Project Engineer as a Civil Engineer III. I look back now and know that my emotional health was VERY BADLY developed because of my mother, but I recognized that and painfully navigated to much better emotional health. A person just has to recognize it. That can take a while and then growing out of that damage can take decades. I was 37 by the time I felt like I had grown out of the damage done by my mother. Because I was a child and that's all I knew, there's virtually no way I could have not sustained severe damage.
@@CivilEngineerWroxton i disagree with your view on this. I understand it. But I think it's you taking a defensive stance and not hearing the true intent of it. Like my parents were very absent throughout my childhood. My dad the worst. Making me and my brother sit in the bathtub for hours and hours "bathing" just so he could keep us out of the way. He was into young girls so also wound up on the run us being taken with him. Overall I was lucky, even though we moved so much and I lacked credits to graduate because of that I was able to test out of school. My brother couldn't. My childhood sucked. I can admit that. Like no utilities, kept in a car for hours because my dad wanted to go get high. Just hours and hours of nothing me and my brother together with nothing to do.. for so many years... I swear I can't feel boredom after those times though like j still remember that feeling so well.. anyway, I've overcome those issues I had growing up. I don't resent my parents for it. Rather I shared my experience hoping that going forward they would strive to do better. I can say of my mom I am even proud. Of my dad, I think he still needs to learn how to grow emotionally. But it's his life, not mine I don't need to judge him for what he did. Just as long and he isn't still trying for underage girls I don't care what he does. I say this because until I was able to stop holding onto that anger of all the things that could of been or how different life could of been or why I didn't have parents who cared more when it mattered... That's when I learned to accept myself and not criticize myself anymore, in doing that I stopped criticizing others. At that point I fully realized I could change those things I wanted to change or achieve what i wanted to achieve. Past didn't really matter because I could strive to better myself today. And its self improvement achieved through incremental steps that lead to the most long standing personal growth. When I realized that, I think that's when I became "emotionally intelligent" because that's when I stopped judging myself against others, I stopped making excuses for why I don't do things or have things, and I stopped trying to meet those societal goals that I never even wanted to have. I stopped caring about the past so much. So I get what you're saying about how a childhood could be damaging to a person and they can still grow, and in most cases need time to heal and grow. But being able to grow emotionally is not emotional intelligence. I think that you can you have that intelligence, when you recognize that those events don't hold anything over you anymore. Like you can become what you want starting today. The past doesn't affect you anymore. You can start that stuff today. Idk it's prolly not clear what I mean it's a bit hard to explain what I think emotional intelligence is, and why it's different than emotionally damaged. And how emotionally damaged prevents emotional intelligence. I'm not well versed jn this nomenclature though so I admit I can be wrong. But I think blaming your current state of self hate would be an example of not being emotionally intelligent. IMHO.
to the person behind this channel "The art of improvement" i sincerely THANK you so much from the very possible depths of my heart of empowering and enlightening me. You are the noblemen that i prayed and wished for. This wish came true and i thank the beautiful stars of the universe for this blessings and help upon me for leading me to this channel. Cheers and thank you.
this is so very insightful and well-presented that i sent it to most everyone close to me. THANK YOU. it's paltry to say *just* that, but hopefully, you get the idea. this video matters. it made a difference (at least for me)...and if i have it *my* way (expectation alert!), it may make a difference to/for others i encounter.
I did an emotional intelligence course a couple of years ago & it did not have any of these key points in it. Thank you for sharing this very helpful information. 👍
It really boils down to 3 factors 1- the past, 2- the future, 3-others rather than 4; see ... less to worry about. Its really about, what are you doing about life right now, you. Action now = mindfulness.
So, all of those actions in the video are useful, applied correctly. We must make judgments of our actions and others' in order to assign value in our lives (pick who we associate with, and what values we act upon as individuals). We also must analyze past mistakes to avoid making similar ones in the future. We also must set goals (not sure about expectations vs goals) in order to have a target to aim at. We also must set expectations for our children, so they know how to behave in the world. So, I'm not sure the motivation for all of these is to "gain control", but I do believe the motivation should be to identify a goal or value, so we can act it out in the world appropriately.
remember you control your response to whatever happens in your life, thus, what others do or say does not matter, only your response matters. Ignore or do not respond to what you do not like. Encourage what you like.
I just saw a post responded said, you can't change the people around you but you can change the people around you! Think about it you'll get it! I wish you and all who read this the very best!
1. Ask myself "what will my comment do to improve the situation?" 2. Time spent fantasizing about the past or future robs me from living in today and creating something positive for my future self. 3. Why do I feel triggered to criticize anyone or myself and what does this accomplish for anyone?
This is a great message. My biggest issue was #4. I thought it was both natural and good to see the best, and encourage the potential in people; but, clearly, it caused problems. For example, my first husband was bright, talented and well educated, but he did not want a career; he wanted a wife who would provide the lifestyle he desired (and that was wife #2). Failing to learn from that experience, I married another bright man, who had great job skills and lots of potential. Turns out, that one didn't even want a job, much less a career. He gained his sense of success from convincing others that his fantasy life was real (as in, pretending he was involved in espionage and special ops). There no longer is room in my life for personal commitment, or for men with "potential".
Sorry, I guess that was Item #1, "criticizing". Also, maybe, "focusing on the past", though I don't at all imagine that the past can be changed; only my choices in the present.
@@malindaallen718 Just a thought, the mistake lies not in observing the potential, or having hope, but in the expectation that an uncertain future will manifest it.
I began to accept my uncertainty over the last 4-5 years. A series of annual events have led me to give up my "control" of my future or my past. The only advice I can give people who feel like this is to try & fix something about your present that is in your immediate control. The food you eat, your ability to exercise go for a run or jog or lift weights, doing something creative like art or make music. Start a garden or plant flowers have a house plant. Find a course you want to take, do crafts or art and sell it. You need to work on your present if you want to let go of the past or go towards the future you want. The baseline of life is something like suffering. You have to be the one to change that. To anyone suffering. I love you.
Great advices, thats what i have been doing at the moment, including healing my self and improving my behavior and personality. Attitude is everything. 🙏
I think my main problem is probably the first point, I have a tendency to be overly critical of others. But I was watching this thinking of incident that happened recently (so it was fresh in my mind) that had bothered me. At a family event, a relation had several times crossed the line in rather bluntly and rudely pointing out that I was not completely following conversational etiquette, i.e. had interrupted. Whether right or wrong on the issue technically, the correction was given from someone half my age in a condescending tone, as if they had the right to chastise me in that manner. Even other people started to take note. In the end I felt forced to put a stop to it by remarking in return that they were being rude. My point is, I certainly needed to draw a line, even if the initial criticism had some merit the manner of it was not acceptable. I certainly could not just accept the other person as "being who they are" as that would mean accepting abuse. Yet for all that I felt bad because this is a person I care about and I know is sensitive about things, and will take even this sort of correction badly. Am I now thinking too much over the past? The problem is that often we aren't just dealing with our own emotional intelligence but that of others.
LOL i was so annoyed at what was said right before 8:12, i refused to write it down only for the video to explain my exact feelings the second i resumed the video. That was a new trigger understanding. "I have high expectations for you," is frequently said by individuals who have no expectations for themselves, while also holding the relationship as prisoner if you don't fulfill their imagination of you. That mindset is also a main foundation of discrimination. They'll imprison you with expectations of growth/productivity while an equal peer gets away with everything bc he/she is held to completely different or no expectations.
This was interesting and I do appreciate it. I have to like two of these that keep me back in life and I will start to change that. Thanks for the heads up
I feel humbled by this video. I'm overly critical of others and I need to look at the man in the mirror before spewing off at the mouth. Thanks so much cause I truly needed this wake up call.
I hope it's not too contentious to claim that the Noble Eightfold Path (Right Speech, Right Action, etc.) and the Sermon on the Mount ("Consider the lilies...") pointed this out a while ago.
well maybe from my perspective I understand emotional intelligence as one can truly feel other people feel like they've been there instead of the tactics or kind of knowledge covered above.One can master those above but as he puts into practice，it's always not up to one's expectations.But experience is indeed a necessary thing.Anyway thanks for your work shared.
A superb reference for how to give up being a control freak is: CHOICE THEORY by William Glasser I've read a number of very interesting, informative & helpful books; but Choice Theory has had the most profound, dramatic positive impact on my life, my emotional well-being & maturity and my over all experience of a better life!
My solution has been to let go of any expectations I have for myself. Now I'm never disappointed because I no longer expect to be worth a damn to begin with.
⏱ TIMESTAMPS
0:00 - Intro
1:12 - 1. Criticizing Others
“Criticism of others is a form of self-commendation. We think we make the picture hang straight on our wall by telling our neighbors that all his pictures are crooked.”
― Fulton J. Sheen
3:25 - 2. Worrying About the Future
“Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.”
― Corrie Ten Boom
5:31 - 3. Ruminating on the Past
“To think too much is a disease.”
― Fyodor Dostoyevsky
7:33 - 4. Maintaining Unrealistic Expectations
“He was swimming in a sea of other people’s expectations. Men had drowned in seas like that.”
― Robert Jordan
10:29 - All You Need to Know
Love that you add timestamps
Ethan King I'm always trying to improve the experience for you, the viewer 👍
You friggin legend! I still watched it. ☮️❤️
Dude, thanks a lot. By such videos i go directly in to comment section thank people like you and spare some time
Isn't this whole video just the makers implying their own emotional intelligence is superior ?
Thank you! I've been coping poorly with a divorce from a 30+ year marriage. I appreciate you and the content immensely! Peace
Live your life, champ.
Its true, you will get through it. Overcome and conquer this test before you. We believe in you
Hang in there in time thing will get better. Seek GOD!
Been there done that and survived...u can too
Look at it as getting free from 30 years of oppression!
These should be called "ways to get out of your own head and ways to stay out of others heads"
That's brilliant but only because I agree.
@@paulgraham5370 I think if everybody just worried about their own self ....like they should try looking inward and handling their business instead of looking at everyone else and comparing. Its like opinions are like assholes everybody has one but that doesn't mean you should share it ....also I don't need an extra asshole filling the room with more hot air.
I'm tired of people today.
Why don't they have hobbies or take up gardening or crossword puzzles. Why do people have so much time to even care or know what other people are doing.
I literally avoid knowing peoples business. Cause like I think other peoples business is boring or I'd rather be doing a satisfying activity than watching neighbors or talking shit at the water cooler.
I don't even have a job and my neighbors watch everything I do. And they even have jobs. Is there a store or something that sells time these people go to cause why they got so much time for other peoples business.
Idkw this is even in my feed. Im not gonna even watch all of this. Bc i know i dont really have to. Which reminds me tho, someone tried to call me projective. Then left it a one sentence claim. Oh? Care to thoroughly explain that one? Bc the context he used it in made no sense at all. I said, "you prob want to know what the word means before using it out of context." My edit was: " idk if that was even addressed to me, or the other person who decided to unload his bs onto me. " Something like that. The commenter said," i know what it means 😉." Ohhhh, so clever there w/ your non explanations. Predictably didnt go into an explanation then blocked me, lol. Balls of steel indeed. Some of the ppl that request me tho. You really are that delusional, arent you?! Lmao @ the ppl who fell for the worship bs... Anyways, if i left a fn full convo up, everything on display, nothing i could possibly even edit out, i prob ... Am not hiding sh?! Not just that, but id prob hafta initiate sh first. Observe a person second. Compare myself to that person 3rd. Then unleash my insecurities onto that person 4th. Considering that person was nonexistent to me, invited himself into my world, pretty forcefully, (regardless of how i say i am. Think or feel. Bc f that, right? Its only a matter of how others tell me how i am. On repeat ... 😒. Not bc theyre actually saying anything. But bc theyre wannabe manipulative & dense instead. For starters, u should see how obvious you put yourself on display yourself, b4 going @ others ), the person who was projecting... To begin with, said that i needed to , "f off cunt." Lol, what happened? You invited yourself onto my space?! Begged for attention?! But didnt like the kind you recieved?! Weh. Prob not invite yourself somewhere then tell them to f off then. What in the world? Cunt, bc you know ppl gotta start in w/ names when they dont have anything else left to actually say. If ppl actually had a brain, theyd see things for what it is & see that whoever interacts w/ me, just opposed that entire convo. 🤦🏻♀️Omfg, I dont need to explain that one either. bc ppl r clever, right? Right... 🤦🏻♀️ Projective would be me like Intrusively invading his space. And telling him something about himself, when im really just telling him about my life. Like bitch, youre 1, out 12345 ppl to me. 2345 looks like thirst. You really think that im that invested about this & that? I only care if ppl seem like decent enough ppl. Yeah, Some somehow manage to invite themselves (bc my ratio of my invites vs the ones i receive would be like 1/100. Idk something like that) & slip through the cracks. But just like that, i delete ppl like it aint sh to me. Bc its not. I care about humanity. But spare me details. Idgaf about the hoes you dont got & whatever else petty & non important. Not bc im not trying to have an open mind. Its just youre not gonna force sh on me. Youre not gonna try to harmfully manipulate me. Youre not gonna talk like youre that fn oblivious. All these other things i dont like. Bc you know? Thats what normal ppl would rather want to deal with. Better, more happy, non diluted energy.
"If you want to move on with your life instead of staying stuck in the past, you must accept the past for what it is, including feeling helpless. You must give up the choice to endlessly revisit it. No matter how much it distracts you from your real pain: the pain of helplessness. When in doubt, take action in the present, instead of dwelling on the past."
💥
🤯
It’s hard it’s not that easy but sometimes we have to let go so that we may have inner peace,
Brilliant video. Absolutely nailed me for sure. I sometimes get swept up into daydreams of vivid clarity involving conflict with another person(s) to the extent that when I come out of the daydream, the body is ful of the fight response and I think "Why am I doing this?". A lot of it is my frustration and lack of assertiveness. Ironic that fear of calm assertiveness leads to denial of another person's value. Mindfulness is the key. Witnessing what's happening in the present instead of being caught up in it. Love this video. It's got me motivated!
Same!
This video is basically “Mindfulness 101” and I love it🙏🏼 one of my goals with my channel is to bring mindfulness into the mainstream and this video does exactly that! Keep up the great work🔥
@@MindNow Thanks man I appreciate it!
That was a pleasant, humbling kick in the nuts.
Ooooo
I fall prey to the first three, but rather the 3 more than the first row. I don’t tend to criticize others and usually do it only when necessary which I guess counts as a warranted time. I do tend to think of the future and the past a lot, but mostly because I’m sort of stuck in a position in my life where I can’t really change it too much right now and that lack of mobility has left me feeling sort of helpless. I think I one thing the video could maybe have afforded was the need to be objectively aware of how mature they are, or objective in as minimally opinionated as possible about it.
@@drakesmith471 I have a hard time not playing the past especially with PTSD. Its not even a choice either it just pops up in my head and I'm screwed for like 2 hours cause my adrenaline is off the charts. 😰
Dima Knopf I’m sorry to hear that. I am not in the same position but I have had not much to do besides just ponder for the last several months, open time to sit, ponder, and just be alone, doesn’t usually lead to good things. I’m sorry for your situation, I couldn’t imagine and I feel quite bad for you. I hope it can improve for you, but I well know that you can’t just hope PTSD goes away.😕
@@dimaknopf WAR SURVIVOR 2?
Criticism is a tool, and if handled right, can resolve problems but, criticising behaviour rather than people is the best way to use it.
Embrace uncertainty, because within it lie your greatest triumphs and your greatest failures. So, uncertainty contains your greatest joys, and the greatest sources of learning - your mistakes. Learn from them.
Stop trying to make a pig sing "Should" is a word that works best when applied to yourself, and no-one else. Keep up your own standards, and let others keep their own. Either accept them as they are, or leave them be.
BigHenFor I agree, judging others by your moral standards is a mistake. Whenever a person judges others and uses the phrase “You should” it’s a mistake. However, the phrase, “ I do as I should,” is empowering. My response to those who would morally judge me with “You should” is to distance myself or ignore them. However, when necessary, you should stand up and affirm your own moral standards and say, “I do as I should.”
@Art Demon
Isn't that what mediocrity does by it's very nature? Just as 'exceptional' is by definition rarer than mediocrity.
@@enduraman1 q
Good video. I would say that planning is not about denial. As a project manager it is completely reasonable to plan, for see potential risks and make mitigation plans. That does not mean you are overthinking things. Uncertainty is a fact of life, but not an excuse for doing nothing.
The unrealistic expectations one hit me hard because I've lived with multiple people who inevitably kicked me out because of this.
Since I'm a child abuse survivor, I've had a couple people give me shelter under the naive assumptions and expectations that the second I found safety, I'd immediately start thriving to the point of either being rich and successful or at least something worth bragging about to others. The more I focused on taking my recovery at a pace I could handle instead of doing what these people wanted to see me do, the more they got angry and tried to control me. Both times, it got to a point that I didn't want to be there anymore, then they kicked me out before I could find somewhere else to stay. One family even admitted to my face that they only took me in because they thought they could control my life and force me down a certain path. They had a strained relationship with their youngest son because they wanted a straight, strong football player with a full college scholarship and he ended up being bi, obese, college dropout, and artistically minded. They stunted his growth by holding this expectation over his head for him to be a person he was never meant to be.
It really can be so damaging to think in that way. I always tell people to be honest with me and tell them if I'm doing something like that because I'd hate to grow up to be like them.
My Stress Management teacher posted this video for our chapter on Emotional Intelligence. I just wanted to say I especially appreciated the section on "unrealistic expectations" as I am always thinking about how others should or could be instead of meeting them where they are. I also LOVE the transition music, such a bop as they say.
Very useful yet painfully under-explored topic. Thank you.
I agree. It is nice to see more of it coming into the mainstream but still a long way to go before we understand how to use EI effectively for leaders.
I don't think it is underexplored, but maybe lately.
Judge not, remove the plank from your own eye before removing the splinter from your neighbors.
Consider the lillies of the field. Worry less about tomorrow.
Do not fixate on your past failures. Accept them. Admit them. Go forth and stop failing.
Do not expect others to live up to your expectations. Love all your neighbors, not just your tribe or family. Not just who you deem rightous.
Seems I've heard these things somewhere before.
@@mmthomas3729 good point
This dude is dropping some truth bombs
I just really really really needed this
Same here
Word
I'd rather plan and have the "illusion" of control than feel uncertainty about the future. And rather reflect on past mistakes to be mindful of not repeating them. I think those are valid forms of reducing anxiety. The only advice from this video to cope uncertainty is to simply "accept" it. Very easily said, but far more difficult than the video makes it seem.
Spot on.
My initial thoughts were the same, but if you listen through and contemplate, what he is really trying to articulate is to reduce worrying, pessimism and obsession/compulsiveness. Thinking logically about the future, and putting plans in place for how you will achieve the goals you set for yourself is a good thing. But those plans also need to be adaptable to change. If you sit there worrying about every possible scenario and “what if?” then you may never get anything done. The same applies to thinking about the past. Being able to think about a past scenario and identify mistakes, and how you can improve in the future is a positive trait, but constantly replaying the past over and over and wishing you can change the past isn’t going to benefit anyone.
Emotional intelligence can definitely be learned. I used to have 0 but then i worked hard and now I'm a lot more emotionally intelligent
same, i noticed myself getting angry at people, but after calming down i realized that the problem starts with me and my emotions, i will be a better person from now on
this is excellent. I've personally come to believe good intuition is about knowing when to hold back.
You have the best channel on UA-cam. Everything I needed to listen to and learn from. Also, it is very therapeutic to me. Thank you!
Wow! Everything this video says not to do I feel like my brain has been hardwired to do my entire life. This an extremely helpful and alleviating video. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart, I’m so glad I can be fully aware of this now
The best advise to move forward
Only after Point 1 and it brings up a good example about my relationship with a friend of mine that I was constantly having frustrations with. Over time, I realized his mannerisms and my assumptions about how he viewed me as a person was all in my head 100% rent-free. I went to him to talk it out and apologize for my internal guilt about the way I’ve obsessed so negatively about him. I don’t think it’s selfish to say that I am absolutely proud of myself for that nugget of personal growth for myself ❤️
Anytime i vent about something or someone, its not crazy. You know your phone is listening. Bc sure enough, someone else whos Stupid & delusional enough will fall for divisive things, so they can magically feel better about themselves. Easy .Well, congrats youre still not. Bc ppl go about talking about the same topics that just got recycled...
Emotional intelligence requires this: observing things others dont notice. That think you dont notice sh. Im gonna offset things. Im gonna put details out in the universe, where only a certain person would know that was true. But itll be 1/ 4 ths truths. The rest will be bs lies. Bc ppl love those things. Have fun with that . 🤗
Lol 🤢🖐️ some ppl really have absolutely no room to talk tho. Absolutely none!
Ahhw E-Any I apologize but I think I had a stroke reading your comment! 🤣🤣
Hi Steven, well as for the many of us who have yet to even get the FIRST check, today I was on the phone for a couple of hours with not one, but 2 IRS agents. The first one went almost immediately postal on me as she seemed to have an angry edge from the get go - shouting at me that this stimulus check and pandemic thing has burdened the IRS and basically has been a pain in their (her?) side! She hung up on me before I could get a few words in edgewise. I called back, and finally I was greeted by the most helpful agent yet out of so many - shout out to Miss Wilson for being so thorough, helpful and kind! Anyway, both agents told there's been some systemwide disconnect between the IRS/Treasury and people's banks - and at least since last week it sounds like many people did not receive their direct deposits, like me still waiting. No specifics on when or if it will be solved. So the 2nd agent made a referral for my case to the Taxpayer Advocate's service and took my phone and email and said I should expect a call from them to help me, faster than the 90 days (!!) a trace would take. Meanwhile, my bank seems to be continuing their Federal Reserve system search for my funds transmitted on the 19th. Never underestimate the level of incompetence out there, sadly.
It seems to me that there is another crucially important aspect to this topic that had been forgotten, ignored, sidelined or something; and this is contributing to confusion and inhibiting a more accurate & complete perspective.
And that is:
EMOTIONAL MATURITY
There is certainly some connection and even correlation between these concepts. But for the most party they are quite distinct, and yet somehow the 'intelligence' part seems to have replaced or consumed the 'maturity' aspect- which I believe is actually more important and has a more profound and consequential effect on our lives.
I believe that is really what you're getting at in this video in essence. I mean, everything you mentioned is inherently part of being emotionally mature...
All of this is useful. There is one mistake though. We never hear what emotional intelligence is. Only that it is not one of these 5 things.
Really
True, the the narrators caveat was that emotional intelligence is not something or things that you do but more a combination of things that you do not do :)
drottercat I think it's using your brain and knowledge to fill the gaps in messages that you get from other people
That's because it's not a thing. Emotion is one thing, intelligence is another. Smushing the two words together results in a nonsense phrase. It's like saying... orange banana... or smell speach. It simply means nothing because there's no such thing.
@@rontarrant I agree with your analogy and I will just add, I think it is also and better referred to as your IQ and your EQ. Very separate things. I have high IQ but appalling EQ.
I don’t say that people are dumb to make myself feel good. I say it out of disappointment in the world that we live in. That doesn’t make me feel good at all. However, I do understand that there are people that do what you’ve explained.
I will say that I have been making an effort to try to understand why it is that people say and do things that are irrational. I have been working on changing my vocabulary by finding replacements for words like “dumb”. I think that many of the times, maybe most of the times, that I have used that word to describe someone, what I really mean is that they are inexperienced or lacking in knowledge.
Hmmm....When I ruminate on past mistakes it
doesn’t give me a feeling of control, it makes me feel regretful and sad. So I don’t get this.
Birdsong Your psyche is trying to make sure you understand so as not to repeat mistakes. Don’t beat yourself up though 😊 If I had not ruminated/thought hard about aspects of my past I would not have gained the insights I did and would not have realised to ask certain questions to find out important facts I did not know.
Yes, it is known as “self-reflection.”👍
Lady But, I think if you ruminate too much, you kick yourself over and over for something you can’t change NOW. Learning something is different than ruminating.
You already know what you did wrong. Think of right things to do now and do them. If some things don't work, think of how to do it right but don't dwell on it constantly. When the opportunity arises, you already figured out what to do, take advantage of it and act now. You have created your own good luck.
Birdsong I think you are a very emotionally sensitive person, as am I. I do the same thing. You must learn to forgive yourself for being human. Just work on it. It helps me if I look at the situation learn from the mistake then most important-- forgive myself.
Thank you. Timely information. I really do appreciate it.
This is so true, I never thought about it this deeply...
This video spoke to me more than any other I have watched on this channel or in this genre. Thank you.
Stop criticizing others
never worry about the future
Don't dwell in the past, learn the lessons and move on
Unhealthy Expectation is a block away from disappointment....
my 4 takes. and thanks for the post
Thanks
No problem and thank you
I've always felt by thinking through to create a plan makes me that much more ready for changes / dealing with uncertainty.
Dana Downing ditto. Damn it haha. Always learning eh?
It does. This is a feel good youtube video with no real substance. Worrying about the future is a different matter.
This is the most intelligent and practical self development resource I have ever discovered. I am confronting the imminent loss of a close family member and I’m beside myself with fear and worry about how I will cope; and trying to be “prepared.” It is most likely futile. And ruminating excessively on the past? That’s my specialty. As well as every other video from The Art of Improvement, I feel humbled. Thank you…
Never thought about criticism in that way - very impressive statement!
When I feel like my emotions are going out of control, I will remember these 4 things.
This is deep. Hittin on different parts of my mind. All rung true
You can never grow by pointing your finger at someone else but yourself.
great video
I point fingers at myself .. but I’m still not growing ... is something wrong with me? 😂
I've had problem with 'worrying about the future', thats the biggest habit im trying to get rid off.. thanks for the video!!
That was EXTREMELY useful. I'm guilty of this myself. I keep remunerating about my Investment mistakes. Thanks for the effort you put in this video😊
I feel like a new person after binge watching all your videos, keep it up! You're really helping people
compliments to your whiteboard skills. the layout and the content are just brilliant. I salute to your imagination, creativity, and conceptualization. 3 cheers!
Wow! Exactly what I needed! I was about to tell a friend that another person they were collaborating with was not deserving of their attention, time or favor, in any way and all the "good" reasons why I was right, of course!
That would have hit 1, 2 and 4, a triple! Glad I stopped myself. Upon reflection, I think that would have rocked our friendship, possibly, irretrievably.
Thank you for your fine videos!
I love the way this is simply explained and very practical. I really needed this.
Props for adding a so much diversity in the animations ❤️. Once we as a species master emotional intelligence, we will realise that, despite our differences, we're all one
Validate their current struggles, set real boundaries on their behaviors, meet them where they are!!
This video came right on time. Thanks!
Shout out to the illustrator and the marvellous entourage of characters that populate the video.
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️🏆❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️🥰👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
I began ruminating on the past when I was in 2nd grade, thinking about how much better I could have done 1st grade. I've wanted this misguided control before I'd ever had issues to control.
Good video. Wish it was around 20 years ago when I really needed to understand a particular co-working who I was having problems with at the time. Christina had worked in another department before she came over to ours (this was at a major internet service provider). Now, in the early 2000's, the Internet industry was pretty new and our company was finding its way, so internal policies were rare and finding a policy that was consistently applied was even rarer...meaning to say that no two engineers followed the same procedure when resolving an issue. The end result was a department that was more focused on getting the customer up and running and then moving on to the next order or call. Christina appointed herself the department QA person and would go into other engineer's orders after circuit activation, evaluate their activities based on her opinion then report her findings to the manager. One day I got tired of her snooping and I told the manager that he needed to either tell her to stop it or to announce to the department that she was the QA person and that her input needed to be followed. The manager confided that he had told her repeatedly to stop meddling in other people's work. BTW, I should point out that while she might have been finding minor discrepancies and procedural errors, those were in-house issues. The customers were up and running and the revenues were coming in from those circuits, which was ALL that mattered to management and the company. I tried explaining to her that the company didn't attach any value to her nit-picking, but being the narcissistic megalomaniac that she was (you know, the one who stood on the playground as a child and ordered other children around), she didn't listen. So, one day, after we received our annual bonuses, she was lurking outside our supervisor's office. As I walked by, she asked me, in a typically blunt manner, "Did you get your bonus?". I responded "That's MY business, not yours. Since when do you think you are entitled to ask me a personal question like that?" That took her aback (the sad thing is, you can't be nice to people like her. There's always that one asshole that you've got to drop an anvil on). So she said "I didn't get my bonus check. I called so-and-so (our department head) and he said that it was because I cause problems". I took a deep breath to give me time to decide if I really wanted to dive into this mess or not, then I decided "fuck it. This bitch has been a pain in everyone's ass for as long as I've been here. I'm going to take her down a notch". So I said "He's right, Christina, you DO cause problems. Just because people don't do things your way, you run to management and snitch on them like a 5 year-old snitching to her teacher. You should know by now that, with all the other organizational and procedural issues we have here, your's aren't aligned with management's or its priorities". And to add the icing on the cake, she had been speaking disparagingly about our supervisor while standing right outside the latter's office, so I said "just look at what you are doing right now. You're running down Beth (our supervisor) and management (can't recall his name), having a conversation that you shouldn't be having, right outside Beth's office. Is that really what a professional does? THINK about it!" So Christina transferred to another department a few weeks later...but I guess her reputation as a trouble-making snitch preceded her, and she ended up getting transferred back out to Ohio, which was where she was from, but again her reputation seemingly preceded her and within a few months was gone completely from the company. To give you an idea of how much I truly disliked this person (and there are only about 4 or 5 people with whom I have worked over the course of 40 years that I would say I "disliked"), I wouldn't invite her to my Xmas parties. One day she found out I had an Xmas party and true to her controversial form, she challenged me on it. She came up to me and said "Thanks for not inviting me to your party". I wasn't in the mood for any of her bullshit, so I said "Christina, if I ever let someone like you into my home, I would burn it to the ground, with that person still in it". Fuck her. Anyway, thanks for the video. It hit on a couple points that really mattered. Like I said, I wish it had been around 20 years ago.
😂😂😂 I think we’ve all been blessed with a Christina in our lives at one point or another.
johnny bhai I’m sure she’d have quite a lot to say herself 😂
This program is for ourselves, to become better.
Would love to see the topic of Constructive Criticism. As when a parent teaches a child. A teacher speaking to a student. A mentor advising his learner. A good Boss managing his employees.
One important thing to add in this list: emotionally intelligent people don't critisize and loath themselves
I SERIOUSLY disagree with this. My mother browbeat and emotionally and mentally abused my siblings and I until I turned 18 and moved out. At that point of moving out, I thought I was the stupidest, most unskilled ugliest, and most undesirable man around. What my mother built into me was all I knew. I decided to overcome these obstacles and it took me a VERY long time to do so. I realized when I got out in the real world as an adult just how broken and emotionally crippled I was. But by pure perseverance and diligence, I grew and made a life for myself. I'm 53 now and am a Senior Project Engineer as a Civil Engineer III. I look back now and know that my emotional health was VERY BADLY developed because of my mother, but I recognized that and painfully navigated to much better emotional health. A person just has to recognize it. That can take a while and then growing out of that damage can take decades. I was 37 by the time I felt like I had grown out of the damage done by my mother. Because I was a child and that's all I knew, there's virtually no way I could have not sustained severe damage.
@@CivilEngineerWroxton i disagree with your view on this. I understand it. But I think it's you taking a defensive stance and not hearing the true intent of it.
Like my parents were very absent throughout my childhood. My dad the worst. Making me and my brother sit in the bathtub for hours and hours "bathing" just so he could keep us out of the way. He was into young girls so also wound up on the run us being taken with him. Overall I was lucky, even though we moved so much and I lacked credits to graduate because of that I was able to test out of school. My brother couldn't.
My childhood sucked. I can admit that. Like no utilities, kept in a car for hours because my dad wanted to go get high. Just hours and hours of nothing me and my brother together with nothing to do.. for so many years... I swear I can't feel boredom after those times though like j still remember that feeling so well.. anyway, I've overcome those issues I had growing up. I don't resent my parents for it. Rather I shared my experience hoping that going forward they would strive to do better. I can say of my mom I am even proud. Of my dad, I think he still needs to learn how to grow emotionally. But it's his life, not mine I don't need to judge him for what he did. Just as long and he isn't still trying for underage girls I don't care what he does.
I say this because until I was able to stop holding onto that anger of all the things that could of been or how different life could of been or why I didn't have parents who cared more when it mattered... That's when I learned to accept myself and not criticize myself anymore, in doing that I stopped criticizing others. At that point I fully realized I could change those things I wanted to change or achieve what i wanted to achieve. Past didn't really matter because I could strive to better myself today. And its self improvement achieved through incremental steps that lead to the most long standing personal growth.
When I realized that, I think that's when I became "emotionally intelligent" because that's when I stopped judging myself against others, I stopped making excuses for why I don't do things or have things, and I stopped trying to meet those societal goals that I never even wanted to have. I stopped caring about the past so much.
So I get what you're saying about how a childhood could be damaging to a person and they can still grow, and in most cases need time to heal and grow. But being able to grow emotionally is not emotional intelligence. I think that you can you have that intelligence, when you recognize that those events don't hold anything over you anymore. Like you can become what you want starting today.
The past doesn't affect you anymore. You can start that stuff today.
Idk it's prolly not clear what I mean it's a bit hard to explain what I think emotional intelligence is, and why it's different than emotionally damaged. And how emotionally damaged prevents emotional intelligence.
I'm not well versed jn this nomenclature though so I admit I can be wrong. But I think blaming your current state of self hate would be an example of not being emotionally intelligent. IMHO.
Ruminating on your past mistakes is self loathing. He covered it.
@Janice Brown I wouldn't like to try it but thank you
No soul is burdened with more than it can bear
to the person behind this channel "The art of improvement" i sincerely THANK you so much from the very possible depths of my heart of empowering and enlightening me. You are the noblemen that i prayed and wished for. This wish came true and i thank the beautiful stars of the universe for this blessings and help upon me for leading me to this channel. Cheers and thank you.
What an enlightening little gem of a video.
Free GEMS for self growth and awesome illustrations, so thankful for this channel! Much love
Another video I came across right when I needed it most. Thank you ☺️❤️👍
This is a fantastic perspective on practicing emotional intelligence.
this is so very insightful and well-presented that i sent it to most everyone close to me. THANK YOU. it's paltry to say *just* that, but hopefully, you get the idea. this video matters. it made a difference (at least for me)...and if i have it *my* way (expectation alert!), it may make a difference to/for others i encounter.
that was very helpful, thank you!
THANKYOU. That's given me another way of looking at emotional intelligence.
Peace be with u.😃
pls keep on uploading these life improvement videos, they help me to look life from bigger prespective, rather than being stuck at my own head..
I did an emotional intelligence course a couple of years ago & it did not have any of these key points in it. Thank you for sharing this very helpful information. 👍
It really boils down to 3 factors 1- the past, 2- the future, 3-others rather than 4; see ... less to worry about. Its really about, what are you doing about life right now, you. Action now = mindfulness.
Excellent explanation. Thanks
Simple and illustrative. Wishes for many such wonderful sharings🙏💐👍
Fantastic. Extremely useful. Thanks to the Art of Improvement team. God bless you, all.
Amazing video full of wisdom detailing real life issues that most of us face 👍
So, all of those actions in the video are useful, applied correctly. We must make judgments of our actions and others' in order to assign value in our lives (pick who we associate with, and what values we act upon as individuals). We also must analyze past mistakes to avoid making similar ones in the future. We also must set goals (not sure about expectations vs goals) in order to have a target to aim at. We also must set expectations for our children, so they know how to behave in the world. So, I'm not sure the motivation for all of these is to "gain control", but I do believe the motivation should be to identify a goal or value, so we can act it out in the world appropriately.
It's so hard living/working with people who do all of these habits 🙁
Set boundaries and be like butter so nothing will cloud your water
Osirus J Huh?
remember you control your response to whatever happens in your life, thus, what others do or say does not matter, only your response matters. Ignore or do not respond to what you do not like. Encourage what you like.
I just saw a post responded said, you can't change the people around you but you can change the people around you! Think about it you'll get it! I wish you and all who read this the very best!
I got the first part, you nailed me on the second part! Thank You! And the third!
Not sure how this applies to familial dysfunction, addiction, and psychological illness scenarios. But certainly makes you think!
1. Ask myself "what will my comment do to improve the situation?"
2. Time spent fantasizing about the past or future robs me from living in today and creating something positive for my future self.
3. Why do I feel triggered to criticize anyone or myself and what does this accomplish for anyone?
@serendipidus1 THAT was hilarious/ delightful/ preciously vulnerable!!! Signed, Brian aka fellow human being 🙂👍🏼
@serendipidus1 big LOL 😂
@serendipidus1 And you admitted it in front of others. It seems that your emotional intelligence and virtues are growing.
This is a great message. My biggest issue was #4. I thought it was both natural and good to see the best, and encourage the potential in people; but, clearly, it caused problems. For example, my first husband was bright, talented and well educated, but he did not want a career; he wanted a wife who would provide the lifestyle he desired (and that was wife #2). Failing to learn from that experience, I married another bright man, who had great job skills and lots of potential. Turns out, that one didn't even want a job, much less a career. He gained his sense of success from convincing others that his fantasy life was real (as in, pretending he was involved in espionage and special ops). There no longer is room in my life for personal commitment, or for men with "potential".
Sorry, I guess that was Item #1, "criticizing". Also, maybe, "focusing on the past", though I don't at all imagine that the past can be changed; only my choices in the present.
@@malindaallen718 Just a thought, the mistake lies not in observing the potential, or having hope, but in the expectation that an uncertain future will manifest it.
thank you sir. this video had a profound impact upon me.
Great video and thanks so much. Blessings and be safe. New subscriber.
I love the way you've put this Nick. Found a new subscriber in me today.
I began to accept my uncertainty over the last 4-5 years. A series of annual events have led me to give up my "control" of my future or my past.
The only advice I can give people who feel like this is to try & fix something about your present that is in your immediate control. The food you eat, your ability to exercise go for a run or jog or lift weights, doing something creative like art or make music. Start a garden or plant flowers have a house plant. Find a course you want to take, do crafts or art and sell it.
You need to work on your present if you want to let go of the past or go towards the future you want.
The baseline of life is something like suffering. You have to be the one to change that.
To anyone suffering. I love you.
Great advices, thats what i have been doing at the moment, including healing my self and improving my behavior and personality. Attitude is everything. 🙏
I think my main problem is probably the first point, I have a tendency to be overly critical of others.
But I was watching this thinking of incident that happened recently (so it was fresh in my mind) that had bothered me. At a family event, a relation had several times crossed the line in rather bluntly and rudely pointing out that I was not completely following conversational etiquette, i.e. had interrupted. Whether right or wrong on the issue technically, the correction was given from someone half my age in a condescending tone, as if they had the right to chastise me in that manner. Even other people started to take note. In the end I felt forced to put a stop to it by remarking in return that they were being rude.
My point is, I certainly needed to draw a line, even if the initial criticism had some merit the manner of it was not acceptable. I certainly could not just accept the other person as "being who they are" as that would mean accepting abuse. Yet for all that I felt bad because this is a person I care about and I know is sensitive about things, and will take even this sort of correction badly. Am I now thinking too much over the past? The problem is that often we aren't just dealing with our own emotional intelligence but that of others.
LOL i was so annoyed at what was said right before 8:12, i refused to write it down only for the video to explain my exact feelings the second i resumed the video. That was a new trigger understanding. "I have high expectations for you," is frequently said by individuals who have no expectations for themselves, while also holding the relationship as prisoner if you don't fulfill their imagination of you. That mindset is also a main foundation of discrimination. They'll imprison you with expectations of growth/productivity while an equal peer gets away with everything bc he/she is held to completely different or no expectations.
Nice one! Feel motivated, gooooood stuff
Wise words to live by.
Summary: Jon Kabat-Zinn reminds us, “mindfulness means paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and without judgment.”
This information is brilliant. Thank you.
Good video. And the song used in your video's between scenes is really nice as well.
The 4th thing applies to parents who have very high expectations for their children and is disappointed if they does not meet their expectations.
This was interesting and I do appreciate it. I have to like two of these that keep me back in life and I will start to change that. Thanks for the heads up
Great. Thank you!
I feel humbled by this video. I'm overly critical of others and I need to look at the man in the mirror before spewing off at the mouth. Thanks so much cause I truly needed this wake up call.
I hope it's not too contentious to claim that the Noble Eightfold Path (Right Speech, Right Action, etc.) and the Sermon on the Mount ("Consider the lilies...") pointed this out a while ago.
Thank you for this video. It is really a big help!! 👍👍👍
well maybe from my perspective I understand emotional intelligence as one can truly feel other people feel like they've been there instead of the tactics or kind of knowledge covered above.One can master those above but as he puts into practice，it's always not up to one's expectations.But experience is indeed a necessary thing.Anyway thanks for your work shared.
This video is very very helpful...! Thank you for creating it...
In other words, don’t be a control freak.
and improve your self esteem.
A superb reference for how to give up being a control freak is:
CHOICE THEORY by William Glasser
I've read a number of very interesting, informative & helpful books; but Choice Theory has had the most profound, dramatic positive impact on my life, my emotional well-being & maturity and my over all experience of a better life!
Fight Club with your nafs
Submission = freedom
4:39 That shit hits like a truck. Thanks.
Harsh..and so true. Thank you
My solution has been to let go of any expectations I have for myself. Now I'm never disappointed because I no longer expect to be worth a damn to begin with.
Hilarious
I also enjoyed the artwork throughout the video.
fabulous & very useful advice...subscribed
Excellent advise
wonderful perspective.. thank you
Really great video thank you