Omg, that was my letter! I’m not sure if you received my email, Ken, but I want to express my heartfelt gratitude again for all the work you’re doing to help those of us heal from these difficult and traumatic experiences. I do feel like I’m nearing the end of my healing journey from this awful experience. It’s comforting to know that I presented fairly secure at times in the relationship, even though I sure as hell didn’t feel that way 😂. Thank you both once again for taking the time to read my letter and for providing such valuable insight and validation.
Glad to hear you're nearing the end of your journey. You absolutely didnt deserve that!! I had a similar experience and hurt like hell. Their karma is the fact that they'll never know what it feels like to be deeply connected to someone. Its quite sad really, but that said I didn't really appreciate being the collateral damage.
@@RedParis20Thank you so much! Yes, it was one of the most emotionally painful experiences I've ever been through. I wouldn't wish that pain on my worst enemy. Although I'm incredibly angry, I also feel a bit sorry for him bc as you said, they'll never experience true healthy love/connection. I hope you have healed or at the tail end of your journey as well 🙏🏾❤️
I relate to this experience. Thank you to the writer for sharing and to Ken & Amy for the commentary. The part on the inner critic is vital and i found it very helpful. Also to the writer and anyone else who might feel this : the cry "did i mean anything to you" (a.k.a did you see me at all).. .is not to be ashamed about, it is all very human, extremely meaningful and at the core of every relationship. Drawing from EFT therapy it shows us our need to truly be seen as a person - for who we truly are and therefore can be our guide in vetting and assessing other's capability to hold our love and vice versa. In a normal break up you usually get to express it while when ghosted the passive aggressiveness silences you and somewhat augments the cry. What is left unspoken is harder than the rejection per se. Therefore i try to shout out to my inner critic " you may be as jugmental as you like but i deserve to be seen as i am capable of seeing others and this is my standard".
Thank you so much for these insights, especially how to deal with our inner critic. Ken and Amy make a great team! I love how you two compliment each other as a duo. 😊🙏
Wow, some parts of this story sound so similar to mine, and what Ken and Amy said about those situations also gives me the validation that I was not a needy, ungrateful and selfish person in this relationship. My ex never said any of those things, but his reactions to things I did or said that he interpreted wrongly and assumptions he made about me without EVER asking me for clarification were proof that he has some serious mental issues going on. This isn’t just about anxiety anymore, this is compulsive paranoid thinking. I realized that he HAD to stay in his victim mentality and he HAD to be right all the time, or his whole carefully curated facade would break down and he was absolutely terrified of that happening. I know they don’t have bad intentions or want to hurt you, but as long as they’re not ready to look at themselves in a honest way there’s no hope for them healing, and sadly, many of them never make it.
really really good content. I had a similar situation and still can't get her out of my head 2 years after the breakup. I wish I could just wash her out of my memory. Your videos help a lot and I'm grateful for them. Thank you.
I finally got in touch with some anger today which I haven’t felt since the FA i was dating shut down and offered me friendship. Now I finally realise what my anger is about. He told me and tells me now that he never had other feelings for me than friendship feelings. So basically he’s telling me he was just confused and thought he felt romantic and/or sexual feelings, but then realised he only felt attracted to me as a friend. Now that I finally feel that anger it’s because I feel like he’s taking my reality from me and tells me that I cannot trust my gut feeling and intuition. To me there were clearly other feelings there in the beginning, until he shut down. But he now tells me he is not able to turn off his feelings like that, and he just never felt that. I’m angry, because I feel gaslighted in a way. And also there’s no way I can confront him or tell him how I feel about that because he has his truth and would never change that. I just have to live with him telling me it’s not how I thought it was. And yesterday he told me he is dating someone else and I have pulled back from our friendship because I can’t stay in that. What do I do with this anger? How can I deal with this feeling of him stealing my truth from me?
It’s incredibly painful to feel like your reality has been dismissed, especially when it concerns such a sensitive area as trust in your own feelings and intuition. What you’re describing - the sense of someone rewriting or reshaping your shared history….can feel invalidating, even ducking destabilizing, as if it’s undercutting the reality you experienced and understood.😢 I want to gently suggest that while his truth may not align with your own, it doesn’t negate the reality of your feelings or your experience. There may have been a real connection for you, and your anger is valid. Often, anger is our mind’s way of signaling that our boundaries or sense of self-respect have been crossed, and it can be helpful to sit with that feeling and ask what it’s trying to communicate to you about what you need. At the same time, this moment of pain and frustration can be a profound invitation for your own self-growth. I’m speaking from personal experience…When we feel someone has “stolen” or dismissed our truth, it can feel like we need to reclaim it from them. However, the deeper empowerment often comes from learning to reclaim it within ourselves, finding a way to stand by our own reality without needing their validation or agreement. You don’t need him to agree with you to move forward. You don’t need him period. Your ego is bruised but your reality is valid so just own that. Even if he doesn’t. And stop being his friend. It’s self abandonment to keep connecting with someone who makes you feel like your point of view is not valid. What might healing look like if it focused on honoring your own reality without trying to change his? By focusing on building trust with yourself and honoring your own intuition, you’re nurturing a space where others’ perspectives - while meaningful - don’t dictate your inner truth. He is not your friend sister. This journey takes time, but every step you take in reclaiming your voice and grounding your self-worth is a step away from needing someone else’s confirmation of your truth. While painful at first, I think telling him you need space and actually sticking to it will help you regain trust in yourself, reduce feelings of self abandonment and distrust, and propel you forward to a better life. In the end, remember that healing and growth are processes, and you’re allowed to take all the time you need to make peace with this. Use this experience as a catalyst to deepen your self-trust and to heal, though. so you can attract people who will hold space for your truth and honor it. You deserve that.
@@TiffVLove thanks so much for taking the time to writing me such a loving and helpful response. I agree. I did tell him I had to pull back and there's no way I'll get in touch again. I'm detached and finally feeling this anger. I wish this anger had an outlet. But I guess I'll just have to deal with it and move on with my life. I don't really feel like it's giving me energy or anything that we tend to hear it's supposed to do. I mostly feel anger and powerlessness in a mix. Which is a weird feeling.
@@77maanno Aw it’s my pleasure. I love my fellow humans so so much ♥️ we are all connected and I see so much of myself in your story. I totally get what you’re saying about that strange mix of anger and powerlessness!!! It’s so valid to feel both, and I think that blend can be one of the hardest emotional knots to untangle. Personally, I’ve felt it too-when anger rises, I tend to feel a wave of sadness or even helplessness with it, like the weight of the situation feels almost too much to bear. Sometimes, I end up crying from the intensity of it, which makes me question if my anger is actually sadness in disguise. But it’s anger for sure haha. Anger comes from when a boundary has been crossed, or when there’s a sense of injustice. It’s our mind’s way of recognizing that we’ve been wronged. But if that anger isn’t given a constructive outlet, it can turn inward, mixing with powerlessness and almost paralyzing us instead of empowering us. This might be why anger feels less like fuel and more like a weight in these situations? What helped me was realizing that powerlessness doesn’t have to mean inaction. It’s less about pretending to feel powerful and more about finding small ways to release that emotional tension-something even as simple as speaking it out (like you did here), or even finding phrases or mantras that remind you of your own resilience. Another tool I found surprisingly helpful was trying something slightly physical yet gentle, like a walk or even just a deep, deliberate breathing exercise. I know it sounds basic, but focusing on breath or movement can redirect some of that tension and make it feel less bottled up inside. 🙏 The most helpful thing for my anger and powerless feeling though, 100% without a doubt, was blocking that motherfuqer. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, to say goodbye and shut that door, but putting myself first and taking a stand with the block button (so I’m not waiting on any texts or calls anymore and can actually move on) felt soooo LOVING and soooo powerful for me. I finally was putting me first. Small step, but it did something to me. Please know that this process isn’t about making the anger disappear but about acknowledging it and letting it guide you to a place where you feel back in control of your own energy. Where you don’t give your power away. It’s an ongoing journey, and sharing your story is a powerful first step!!! So kudos♥️Please know you’re not alone in this feeling, and that with time, these feelings might transform into something that feels lighter and more manageable. You’ve got this, one step at a time.
Discussing marriage in 2 weeks? Way too much. Mmmm i read somewhere that narcissists want to control you, DA/FA try to control the relationship. For me, narcissist love bombing reads more disingenuous from the start. FA love bombing almost always reads sincere but it won't make sense for the actual pace of the relationship. For me within 6 weeks is still the talking phase.
I really appreciate your content in this video and generally. However, I wonder if your listeners/viewers are getting the impression "If only I can avoid getting into a relationship with an Avoidant (Dismissive or Fearful), then my love life will be great!". For all your listeners/viewers who are Anxious Preoccupied or other flavor of insecure attachment style, partner selection is, at best, only 50% of your "success formula". The other 50% is healing our own attachment wounds and letting go of unhealthy ideals, response patterns, and compulsions. Whatever problems and limitations the other person has, we still own responsibility for "cleaning up" our own "stuff". I hope Ken will address this more in future videos.
How do you explain that anxious people get healthy and more grounded with secure partners? Obviously you have to work on yourself but it's easier to do so when you not sabotaged by your intimate person.
@skromnyasha I agree. I'm FA and have just started seeing someone for the first time (probably in my life) that is secure. I've never felt so secure. I am aware I have a ton of work to still do on myself, but I feel safe to be myself and to go to him and express myself, because I don't fear his response
I highly doubt everyone listening is solely trying to avoid avoidant partners and not healing their own wounds. It's good to know that these are patterns that can be recognized and are ubiquitous, that's the point of the channel. No one is trying to offset their responsibility for healing, and clocking red flags is important for partner selection, since even when healed you can miss flags if they're simply normal to you (especially since avoidants can pile up in your life if you've been anxious for a long time, leading you to think bad behavior is normal). Not to mention that a lot of attachment healing happens in relationships, and anxious people, generally speaking, can heal attachment more easily when their lover or friend isn't literally avoiding basic relationship progression and when the anxious person is held accountable for protest behavior when it arises. Just my two cents.
The goal of these videos is to understand the dynamics and patterns of people with insecure attachment styles. At this point, Ken has become an expert in avoidant attachment individuals. A lot of people watching these videos are trying to make sense of the emotional turmoil that comes with dating someone with Fearful-Avoidant or Dismissive-Avoidant tendencies-especially if they’ve had healthy relationships in the past. For many, the experience of someone pulling away just as intimacy starts to build is completely foreign. It’s easy to internalize these behaviors and blame yourself, thinking you did something wrong. Ken’s whole approach is to break down these, frankly, toxic patterns and reassure viewers that, yes, this is the typical trajectory of relationships with avoidant partners. The stories tend to follow the same predictable path: love-bombing at the start, withdrawal as things get closer, then ghosting, a blindsided breakup, or outright discarding. Often, these people resurface months or even years later to orbit. Ken’s work helps people recognize these cycles for what they are, rather than personalizing or taking the blame for them.
I don't think I can add much to what @samyb2834 already said, but maybe it's worth noticing, that it's not about relationships with ALL the avoidants - depends on where they are on the spectrum. If they are working on themselves and can at least notice their patterns, you can have a great relationship with them. It's about more severe cases of DAs and FAs who wouldn't communicate, but rather discard, slow fade, or ghost you when the emotional intimacy happens. That won't address their issues and won't work on themselves. Ken had videos on how anxious attaches can be toxic, unavailable, etc. Basically, it is the same thing - it's hard to date severe AP as much as severe DA or FA. But it's not as mindblowing, I guess.
Omg, that was my letter! I’m not sure if you received my email, Ken, but I want to express my heartfelt gratitude again for all the work you’re doing to help those of us heal from these difficult and traumatic experiences. I do feel like I’m nearing the end of my healing journey from this awful experience. It’s comforting to know that I presented fairly secure at times in the relationship, even though I sure as hell didn’t feel that way 😂. Thank you both once again for taking the time to read my letter and for providing such valuable insight and validation.
Glad to hear you're nearing the end of your journey. You absolutely didnt deserve that!! I had a similar experience and hurt like hell. Their karma is the fact that they'll never know what it feels like to be deeply connected to someone. Its quite sad really, but that said I didn't really appreciate being the collateral damage.
@@RedParis20Thank you so much! Yes, it was one of the most emotionally painful experiences I've ever been through. I wouldn't wish that pain on my worst enemy. Although I'm incredibly angry, I also feel a bit sorry for him bc as you said, they'll never experience true healthy love/connection. I hope you have healed or at the tail end of your journey as well 🙏🏾❤️
I relate to this experience. Thank you to the writer for sharing and to Ken & Amy for the commentary. The part on the inner critic is vital and i found it very helpful.
Also to the writer and anyone else who might feel this : the cry "did i mean anything to you" (a.k.a did you see me at all).. .is not to be ashamed about, it is all very human, extremely meaningful and at the core of every relationship. Drawing from EFT therapy it shows us our need to truly be seen as a person - for who we truly are and therefore can be our guide in vetting and assessing other's capability to hold our love and vice versa.
In a normal break up you usually get to express it while when ghosted the passive aggressiveness silences you and somewhat augments the cry. What is left unspoken is harder than the rejection per se. Therefore i try to shout out to my inner critic " you may be as jugmental as you like but i deserve to be seen as i am capable of seeing others and this is my standard".
Well said - thank you!
Yes, very well said! Thank you 🙏🏾
Thank you so much for these insights, especially how to deal with our inner critic. Ken and Amy make a great team! I love how you two compliment each other as a duo. 😊🙏
Wow, some parts of this story sound so similar to mine, and what Ken and Amy said about those situations also gives me the validation that I was not a needy, ungrateful and selfish person in this relationship.
My ex never said any of those things, but his reactions to things I did or said that he interpreted wrongly and assumptions he made about me without EVER asking me for clarification were proof that he has some serious mental issues going on. This isn’t just about anxiety anymore, this is compulsive paranoid thinking.
I realized that he HAD to stay in his victim mentality and he HAD to be right all the time, or his whole carefully curated facade would break down and he was absolutely terrified of that happening. I know they don’t have bad intentions or want to hurt you, but as long as they’re not ready to look at themselves in a honest way there’s no hope for them healing, and sadly, many of them never make it.
really really good content. I had a similar situation and still can't get her out of my head 2 years after the breakup. I wish I could just wash her out of my memory. Your videos help a lot and I'm grateful for them. Thank you.
I finally got in touch with some anger today which I haven’t felt since the FA i was dating shut down and offered me friendship. Now I finally realise what my anger is about. He told me and tells me now that he never had other feelings for me than friendship feelings. So basically he’s telling me he was just confused and thought he felt romantic and/or sexual feelings, but then realised he only felt attracted to me as a friend. Now that I finally feel that anger it’s because I feel like he’s taking my reality from me and tells me that I cannot trust my gut feeling and intuition. To me there were clearly other feelings there in the beginning, until he shut down. But he now tells me he is not able to turn off his feelings like that, and he just never felt that. I’m angry, because I feel gaslighted in a way. And also there’s no way I can confront him or tell him how I feel about that because he has his truth and would never change that. I just have to live with him telling me it’s not how I thought it was. And yesterday he told me he is dating someone else and I have pulled back from our friendship because I can’t stay in that. What do I do with this anger? How can I deal with this feeling of him stealing my truth from me?
It’s incredibly painful to feel like your reality has been dismissed, especially when it concerns such a sensitive area as trust in your own feelings and intuition. What you’re describing - the sense of someone rewriting or reshaping your shared history….can feel invalidating, even ducking destabilizing, as if it’s undercutting the reality you experienced and understood.😢
I want to gently suggest that while his truth may not align with your own, it doesn’t negate the reality of your feelings or your experience. There may have been a real connection for you, and your anger is valid. Often, anger is our mind’s way of signaling that our boundaries or sense of self-respect have been crossed, and it can be helpful to sit with that feeling and ask what it’s trying to communicate to you about what you need.
At the same time, this moment of pain and frustration can be a profound invitation for your own self-growth. I’m speaking from personal experience…When we feel someone has “stolen” or dismissed our truth, it can feel like we need to reclaim it from them. However, the deeper empowerment often comes from learning to reclaim it within ourselves, finding a way to stand by our own reality without needing their validation or agreement. You don’t need him to agree with you to move forward. You don’t need him period. Your ego is bruised but your reality is valid so just own that. Even if he doesn’t. And stop being his friend. It’s self abandonment to keep connecting with someone who makes you feel like your point of view is not valid.
What might healing look like if it focused on honoring your own reality without trying to change his? By focusing on building trust with yourself and honoring your own intuition, you’re nurturing a space where others’ perspectives - while meaningful - don’t dictate your inner truth. He is not your friend sister. This journey takes time, but every step you take in reclaiming your voice and grounding your self-worth is a step away from needing someone else’s confirmation of your truth. While painful at first, I think telling him you need space and actually sticking to it will help you regain trust in yourself, reduce feelings of self abandonment and distrust, and propel you forward to a better life.
In the end, remember that healing and growth are processes, and you’re allowed to take all the time you need to make peace with this. Use this experience as a catalyst to deepen your self-trust and to heal, though. so you can attract people who will hold space for your truth and honor it. You deserve that.
@@TiffVLove thanks so much for taking the time to writing me such a loving and helpful response. I agree. I did tell him I had to pull back and there's no way I'll get in touch again. I'm detached and finally feeling this anger. I wish this anger had an outlet. But I guess I'll just have to deal with it and move on with my life. I don't really feel like it's giving me energy or anything that we tend to hear it's supposed to do. I mostly feel anger and powerlessness in a mix. Which is a weird feeling.
@@77maanno Aw it’s my pleasure. I love my fellow humans so so much ♥️ we are all connected and I see so much of myself in your story.
I totally get what you’re saying about that strange mix of anger and powerlessness!!! It’s so valid to feel both, and I think that blend can be one of the hardest emotional knots to untangle. Personally, I’ve felt it too-when anger rises, I tend to feel a wave of sadness or even helplessness with it, like the weight of the situation feels almost too much to bear. Sometimes, I end up crying from the intensity of it, which makes me question if my anger is actually sadness in disguise. But it’s anger for sure haha.
Anger comes from when a boundary has been crossed, or when there’s a sense of injustice. It’s our mind’s way of recognizing that we’ve been wronged. But if that anger isn’t given a constructive outlet, it can turn inward, mixing with powerlessness and almost paralyzing us instead of empowering us. This might be why anger feels less like fuel and more like a weight in these situations?
What helped me was realizing that powerlessness doesn’t have to mean inaction. It’s less about pretending to feel powerful and more about finding small ways to release that emotional tension-something even as simple as speaking it out (like you did here), or even finding phrases or mantras that remind you of your own resilience. Another tool I found surprisingly helpful was trying something slightly physical yet gentle, like a walk or even just a deep, deliberate breathing exercise. I know it sounds basic, but focusing on breath or movement can redirect some of that tension and make it feel less bottled up inside. 🙏
The most helpful thing for my anger and powerless feeling though, 100% without a doubt, was blocking that motherfuqer. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, to say goodbye and shut that door, but putting myself first and taking a stand with the block button (so I’m not waiting on any texts or calls anymore and can actually move on) felt soooo LOVING and soooo powerful for me. I finally was putting me first. Small step, but it did something to me.
Please know that this process isn’t about making the anger disappear but about acknowledging it and letting it guide you to a place where you feel back in control of your own energy. Where you don’t give your power away. It’s an ongoing journey, and sharing your story is a powerful first step!!! So kudos♥️Please know you’re not alone in this feeling, and that with time, these feelings might transform into something that feels lighter and more manageable. You’ve got this, one step at a time.
Should she have walked away at some point? If so, at what point?
How did you tell this guy was FA from the first part....as oppose to securely attached?
Intensity at the start
@DobermanDanK9 When I see that, I automatically think narc/DA. Not FA?
@@whiggygirlSee, DAs are like getting blood out of a stone
Not all FAs, but they're quite fiery and want to get it going
Discussing marriage in 2 weeks? Way too much. Mmmm i read somewhere that narcissists want to control you, DA/FA try to control the relationship. For me, narcissist love bombing reads more disingenuous from the start. FA love bombing almost always reads sincere but it won't make sense for the actual pace of the relationship. For me within 6 weeks is still the talking phase.
❤️
I really appreciate your content in this video and generally. However, I wonder if your listeners/viewers are getting the impression "If only I can avoid getting into a relationship with an Avoidant (Dismissive or Fearful), then my love life will be great!". For all your listeners/viewers who are Anxious Preoccupied or other flavor of insecure attachment style, partner selection is, at best, only 50% of your "success formula". The other 50% is healing our own attachment wounds and letting go of unhealthy ideals, response patterns, and compulsions.
Whatever problems and limitations the other person has, we still own responsibility for "cleaning up" our own "stuff".
I hope Ken will address this more in future videos.
How do you explain that anxious people get healthy and more grounded with secure partners? Obviously you have to work on yourself but it's easier to do so when you not sabotaged by your intimate person.
@skromnyasha I agree. I'm FA and have just started seeing someone for the first time (probably in my life) that is secure. I've never felt so secure. I am aware I have a ton of work to still do on myself, but I feel safe to be myself and to go to him and express myself, because I don't fear his response
I highly doubt everyone listening is solely trying to avoid avoidant partners and not healing their own wounds. It's good to know that these are patterns that can be recognized and are ubiquitous, that's the point of the channel. No one is trying to offset their responsibility for healing, and clocking red flags is important for partner selection, since even when healed you can miss flags if they're simply normal to you (especially since avoidants can pile up in your life if you've been anxious for a long time, leading you to think bad behavior is normal).
Not to mention that a lot of attachment healing happens in relationships, and anxious people, generally speaking, can heal attachment more easily when their lover or friend isn't literally avoiding basic relationship progression and when the anxious person is held accountable for protest behavior when it arises. Just my two cents.
The goal of these videos is to understand the dynamics and patterns of people with insecure attachment styles. At this point, Ken has become an expert in avoidant attachment individuals. A lot of people watching these videos are trying to make sense of the emotional turmoil that comes with dating someone with Fearful-Avoidant or Dismissive-Avoidant tendencies-especially if they’ve had healthy relationships in the past.
For many, the experience of someone pulling away just as intimacy starts to build is completely foreign. It’s easy to internalize these behaviors and blame yourself, thinking you did something wrong. Ken’s whole approach is to break down these, frankly, toxic patterns and reassure viewers that, yes, this is the typical trajectory of relationships with avoidant partners.
The stories tend to follow the same predictable path: love-bombing at the start, withdrawal as things get closer, then ghosting, a blindsided breakup, or outright discarding. Often, these people resurface months or even years later to orbit. Ken’s work helps people recognize these cycles for what they are, rather than personalizing or taking the blame for them.
I don't think I can add much to what @samyb2834 already said, but maybe it's worth noticing, that it's not about relationships with ALL the avoidants - depends on where they are on the spectrum. If they are working on themselves and can at least notice their patterns, you can have a great relationship with them. It's about more severe cases of DAs and FAs who wouldn't communicate, but rather discard, slow fade, or ghost you when the emotional intimacy happens. That won't address their issues and won't work on themselves.
Ken had videos on how anxious attaches can be toxic, unavailable, etc. Basically, it is the same thing - it's hard to date severe AP as much as severe DA or FA. But it's not as mindblowing, I guess.