Does Your Addicted Loved One Continuously Make Promise They'll Never Keep?
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- Опубліковано 26 жов 2022
- I promise..."I'm going to quit,"; "I'm cutting back," "I'll go talk to a counselor," "I'll get a sponsor,"... Does your addicted loved one regularly make promises but never follow through?
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Absolutely right!! My son went to detox and the day after he entered rehab, and 10 days clean, he left!
It's wicked hard to determine when they're saying one thing then do another.
I almost think, at least in my son's case, he truly WANTS the things he says he's gonna do, but then the brain starts overwhelming them with thinking too far down the road and they freak out and panic and run back to the drug that allows them to block out reality.
It's so so sad AND frustrating. Maybe I'm wrong in what I just said, but either way it's a tough battle to overcome 😔
My takeaway: I have a huge problem with always expecting things to go my way - perfectly. When it doesn’t- I come unglued. I do this in all my relationships. I either get angry or I have a panic attack fueled by anger, and completely shut down - the sky is falling and my life is over mentality. Ugh. It is so uncontrollable - I literally scare myself sometimes.
Here’s how I have coped all these years - I isolate, shut people out and lose myself in something else - shopping, internet, gardening, etc. So much easier than facing my own behavior….
No wonder my son has lived in his addiction for 12 + years.
Since stumbling on to your videos, I am really trying to change MY reactions and behavior toward my son, rather than focusing on him and his behavior. It has been so helpful and insightful so far.
Baby steps I guess. I’m grateful for your videos - thought I knew everything, but am slowly realizing just how much I still need to learn.
Hi Amber and all.
Talking the talk or walking the walk???
An addict wants to quit, and knows she should, but maybe she is so wrapped with self, just wants everyone off her back so the addiction can continue.
It's all so rooted in PRIDE.
I am working Step 10 right now. Hard work to recover integrity and trust. It all has to be self-observation, and some people are so buried in denial they cannot even find self- they identify with said abuse and DOC (drug of choice) and getting truly well means losing the self-identity. I call this ego-death and rebirth. To me, that's the work of recovery.
It's hard work. I wish the best to all, and hope that we can help others as we recover our own integrity and trust. ❤
PS- "future faking". I love this term, and just last night had to deal with it again.
It's horrible watching your kids destroy themselves.
You just did help… your comment helped more than you’ll ever know… 🙏🏽
I’m 53 and have a 55 year old boyfriend. We’ve been together 6 months. He’s a great guy when he’s not binging. He did it once and promised not to do it again but did again last week. I’ve no experience of this. I’m not sure whether to finish it or not.
That early on, GET OUT. It will only get harder the longer you are together. I wish I’d listened to this advice. He will not change no matter what he says and he just proved this to you.
Leave now before you marry him. He'll only care about drinking and have no interest in spending time with you unless it involves drinking.
Leave. 6 months is nothing. You will be 75 with years of experience in addiction betrayal, and then be on your deathbed. Do not go down this road.
Was there for a year and a half, walk away as it won't get better 😊
Twice in six months run
My guy friend doesn’t make promises. He really avoids trying to plan anything in advance because he’s living day to day and hour to hour. I greatly appreciate that.
My son had been homeless for five years was stabbed hospitalized went back to the streets. He is now in housing but that may not last . I went to see him last night he never promises. He said mom my addiction is really bad ( fentanyl and meth) I’m not the same person and I don’t know if I will ever will be well. It’s very honest and he has always been an honest person . I told him he has options to try and become well if he chooses and I am always there to be of support He is so afraid of and type of rehab and never makes that type of promise. He may be back to being homeless next week and I don’t know when it would be before I see him and the opportunity to plant more seeds . I am so afraid and so deeply sad for my beautiful son.
My god Nancy. No words but wanted to acknowledge you. Sending love and hope to you and your beautiful son x
@@gemmamay76 Thank you for your kind words Gemma. My best thoughts for your sister you and your parents. It’s all such a heart wrenching journey with the people we love so deeply. It’s just my son and I he is my beating heart. May your sister find healing in every way . Gods blessing for you.
Nancy
Sometimes they need to do trauma healing work (DBT) in conjuction with their addiction treatment to truly heal and be free from their addiction
Amber, your insight gives me strength and you offer practical and realistic options. I’m trying hard to follow your advice with my husband. I don’t always get it right but I know I’m doing the best I can. Most of the time, I think he is too.
I’m in the UK like Gemma. Alcohol is such a part of our culture and its grip is insidious. Things are starting to change for the better. I wish health and happiness for you and your loved ones.
Thank you Francesca! I'm so glad you're seeing some positive changes start to happen 💖
I love the video and haveing someone live asking questions and giveing their situation is awesome for info and confidence to others to seek the right help ! Thank you for being real and all your effort and time you put into your videos !
Thank you for your kind words, Jody! 😁Glad you enjoyed it!
Thank you for your Chanel. You can’t imagine how much you have helped me heal . God bless you
You are so welcome, Alex!
Hi Gemma- I went through all of the same stuff with my daughter.
Seizures, pre-cirrhosis, homeless for 5 years.
The last time I saw her physically, I was giving her a hug as we were moving. She was invited to come, but chose the streets instead. That was in June '21.
Now, I speak to her in prison. She has been sober since July '21. Her karma finally caught up with her.
When I let go of controlling her, when I worked on healing my own heart and surrendering to the fact that she ( as well as the rest of us) cannot be controlled.
Sounds like you have similar issues in the UK we have here with treatment.
Take care of your heart and your family! Find Al-anon, if you need local support. ❤🙏
❤️❤️🙏
So sorry about your daughter. My son is addicted to fentanyl and been living on the streets for 2 years now and I totally understand the heartbreak and pain a mom goes through.
The rollercoaster ride is sometimes worse than when they're actively using.
Thank you so much for taking the time to write with such compassion and wisdom. I'm so sorry you have gone through this. Letting go of thinking I can fix this , by trying to control the situation is a daily practice. I hope you are well and have found some peace. Thanks again xx
@@jenniferandrews8449 I'm sorry. No Mum should have to go through this. Sending love to you x
@@gemmamay76 and you as well. It sounds like your daughter's situation is even worse than my son's. I'll pray for you and your daughter. Stay strong!! From one mum to another ❤️ 🙏
Hello Amber ... Thank you for your videos, you are deeply appreciated!
You are so welcome!
My husband wont make a promise. He says he knows he wont keep it. So he just says i will tell you ill try.
New Year’s Eve my husband told me he wanted to stop drinking for the new year. I knew he wasn’t “lieing” to me but it was something he wasn’t going to be able to keep. I knew he meant what he said but wast surprised when he went to the liquor store. I’m trying to learn between the difference of lies and just things he can’t do. Thanks for the video
That was my question - what if their way never works? Its been over 5 years with my husband who refuses AA or inpatient treatment. I' ve watched your videos and try to follow your advice, while he has lost his job, arrested at my kids school and had DUI. I feel like I am just enabling by paying the bills and cleaning the house but must because of the kids.
Hi Amber. Watching the playback and I just cannot believe how you always talk about just what I need to hear. Thank you so much. I'm the mom who paid for our homeless addicted 31 year old daughter's storage along with her father for her birthday rather than giving her the cash she wanted. She was able to get her coat and that was good since it is starting to get pretty cold at night where she is. But she was furious and didn't speak to either me or her father for over a week. Then I got a text from a jail service letting me know she was once again taken into custody. I still had phone call money on account for her but she didn't call for several days. She called her dad first asking for bail money saying that it would only be about $10 if she hired a bondsman. He evidently told her he needed to think about it and then she called me and asked the same thing. I asked her what her plan was if she was released and she said that her 90 day ban from the shelter was up and she could stay there. Then I told her that I love her enough to want what is best for her and fear losing her to the drugs so how can I be sure with the cravings you tell me about that you will not use again. She suggested checking in with me daily. Well that hasn't worked before even when she was accepted into a wellness program that tested her nearly every day and she ended up having several "dilute" tests. It was so obvious to me that she was using all the while she was claiming to be sober. (note: both me and her father are 1000 miles away from her). Today she called her dad and was pressuring him by saying "You can't even send me $10 for bail?" He and I have been texting and have come to the same page and tomorrow one of us, depending on who she calls first will tell her that we both agree that it is best that she stay in custody right now for her own safety and health. It is pretty sad that we both feel she is better off in jail. I told him today that Amber would be proud of us for working on this together they way we have. Thank you so much again for your very pertinent and insightful videos. Just thought you might like an update but if you have any suggestions, I would gladly accept them.
You're right, Jeanette! I am soooo proud of you guys for working together. ⭐⭐⭐
@@PutTheShovelDown Thank you Amber. She called early this morning and I told her what her dad and I agreed on. She was calm and didn't say much but when I asked her if she still wanted to read a book together while she is there she said yes. Within a few hours I heard from her dad who said she had called him and gotten a friend to bail her out. Here we go again. There is nothing more important to her than the drugs and dad just can't see that. I get so mad that I'm really glad she isn't calling me because I'm so afraid I would be too tempted to just lay it out and say the wrong thing. In my humble opinion only God can help her now.
My husband switched substances to try to stop drinking. He thinks everything is fine now and I don't see how he will ever come to the conclusion that this is not working. The problem is that his emotions are all over the place from anger to withdrawn to hyper and can change at any moment. I hardly ever see him stable enough to have a real conversation with him. It is definitely not working for me and the rest of the family, and I know he isn't really happy either. Is there any way I can help him see that this is not working? He has gone through all of the stages that you talk about with alcohol. He was sober for 14 months, but he wasn't happy and wasn't working a recovery program even though he attended some meetings. He has no change talk now and doesn't want to have any conversations about addiction or anything that reminds him of past or anything vulnerable that has nothing to do with addiction. I really wish I had found you sooner because he was so close and I think your advise would have really made a difference.
❤thank you Amber . This really changed my whole outlook on my situation with my alcoholic bf And I feel like some more hope because After watching this video i revaluated it and I really think he is trying and just letting me know what he is possibly able to do not manipulating me as much as I thought
I'm so glad this was helpful!
Hello Amber, I just missed the chance to go live with you. Maybe next time, I am still strugling with this roller coaster of meth addition. I watch all your videos and am greatful for them. Have a Blessed day 🙏❤
Congratulations on striving to overcome meth addiction. Keep striving to improve yourself Steven K
Hey Steven, Good to hear from you. and Glad you're still in the fight!
You are never alone! Recovery is possible!! My husband got his 3 month chip a couple weeks ago. He had the same DOC. Don’t give up! Sending strength your way! 🤍
@@susanreed9173 Congratulations to your husband on 90 days of sobriety. Keep the positive momentum going!
Wow. What a great video
Thanks!
Yeah, I can't tell the difference
My husband is 55, and I’m 54. We are raising a 12, 4 and 2 year old with no assistance. My son and his wife are still using Meth and now she is 2 months preggo AGAIN. I don’t think we can raise another baby. We raised our 3 kids and our youngest is now 30. I have no idea how we are going to do all this plus We both have to work full time and I am caring for my elderly parents, when they need assistance. We are adopting the 2 year old as it’s not our sons baby and she has been in our custody since she was a little under 2 months old. How can we care for another infant?😢
How do you do it all?
You need to take care of yourself- sadly it's not a good situation, but there are so many who cannot have children and want to adopt a child..
I was adopted at 1 month old and have amazing parents. So I understand about adoption and good homes. I don’t think they would even consider giving the new baby up. I guess we are trying to do our best to keep the siblings together.
I know someone who is an addict. He said 4 times he would go talk to a rehab clinic and when he was offered a ride to go there check it out he refused when the day came. Now that this person in losing their house they said he has signed up for rehab but it doesn't start for 6 weeks. Should family take this person in till treatment starts or say your on your own till treatments starts cause we have no idea you'll follow through with it?
It's a 50/50 you don't know if helping til the date is better than being on the street or end up staying at bad places for them or leaveing them out there on their own will give them a desparete reason to make sure and go to the rehab , If they are in long term hard drug addiction they won't make any good decision and being forced by going to jail and manditory forced to go and stay might be their best chance , they are getting better about treating addiction with other medications and docters that understand how the drugs work on the brain , I know this doesn't answer your question but you just know and neither does the addict ,the stars kinda have to line up , 2 months is a very big window for an addict to go cold turkey , so you must know he will be useing to not go thru withdrawls sickness and become mentally crazy ! So knowing up front that any addict has trouble not useing 2 days ,
If your addict is a run away train then no reason to let them stay , if they working on a program out patient then there is a good chance they will get to rehab , not saying they won't stumble but they trying hard
Good advice, Jody!
@@jodypixley6683 He's not in a out patient program, going to therapy or going support groups. Never been to rehab either so I don't think he has the any idea how to come off the drugs and stay off. I didn't know about how quickly they go into withdraw, that's scary. He also lost his job and I don't trust him living in our house but I'm being guilted by other people because he has no where to go.
AH is not a talker. Can you see humility in actions
Most definitely!
Is it rubbing it in...when i play your videos in the house? I feel like i need to hear these words ALL the time. But she lives here too....sometimes
It might come across like you're passive-aggressively trying to send a message. Maybe use headphones?
Hello Amber and friends
Hi my friend, Gwin!
My husband has been in rehab for 4 months and he isn't drinking alcohol but he's clinging to his suboxone, cigarettes, and has picked up a caffeine addiction, also signs he is continue his extramarital sexual affairs as well. The manipulative behavior is still going strong too... so is he really trying is there hope does he need more time in rehab or what?
I wouldn't worry about the cigarettes or caffeine in light of the other stuff!
How do you respond to future faking ?
30
Number 10
number 22