I reached out to Better Help I received a message back saying they have limited counselors at this time . In addition I am retired and I can not afford fees .
This is dead on. You keep trying to help, feeling empathy, you keep thinking about solutions, and then you get abused, lied to, and your life becomes hell. Then you walk away and feel better, and then start feeling bad for them and try to come back. It is a horrible cycle, a real rollercoaster.
@@helenepotts3170 My solution was to finally say to them and to me: I have done my part, I have fought for months and months. This is your fight now. You have to take it on. I cannot fight for you alone anymore.
@@PutTheShovelDown You rock! Listening to your videos helped me realize what I am dealing with and stay calm, it took away much of the pain. It was living hell before that.
Listening to this poor girl really worries me about my own situation. I was hoping there would be a possibility that my bf would get out of rehab and never go back, but it seems to me like the battle is only uphill for everyone.
This poor girl is suffering. I have been there myself. I too am a nurse. Not to mention how stressful that work is on top of dealing with an alcoholic/drug user and small children.I love my alone time and quiet time now because of the years of mental torture. I am praying for this sweet girl. I hope she finds the courage to detach .
I am just now coming to understand that my partner sees me as the bad guy. I'm his trigger and excuse to drink. It's really frustrating because I work on myself a lot. I have a strong faith life. I do therapy. I have a large social network. I'm not willing to be a martyr or a scapegoat anymore. The biggest challenge is remaining calm but he knows how to push my buttons then turn it around on me. I find myself completely avoiding him lately. I'm very emotionally drained.
Wow, Amber, this is so timely. This is so practical. I want joy! Happiness! painting! making money. Starting my new life after my husband died. This is sooooooo soooooo gooooood!
In desperation, I began searching for resources and found your channel. Much needed. I feel like I have finally gotten to a place where I am emotiinal regulated, if I have to ask, I dont because, I already know the answer. I can trust myself (and not him). I am emotionally done and trying to make some real decisions to move forward and get me and mine to a safer place. Really hard after 35+ years of marriage, business partners and joined at the hip. Throw in my vow to complicate things. He is actively destroying all relationships and business. Need to find the boundaries without me being the bad guy.
Amber, thank you so much for letting her talk. I watch your videos and I know how kind you are but I was worried that when she was pouring her heart out you were going to interject for time purposes but you didn't and I so appreciate that because I know what it must've felt like for her to finally get you face to face. So thank you so much for allowing her the space. And thank you to Brigitte for her honesty and courage for talking about what she's going through. I can totally relate. Praying for Brigitte and her family 🤍
Recovery takes amazing courage that not everyone has. Honesty can be extremely difficult. You can’t make anyone do or say anything they don’t want to. You can only control yourself and your responses.
Oh my gosh, I cried through this whole thing. I feel Brigitte’s pain! I truly do. We feel so helpless, abused, and invalidated. Living in uncertainty and not having your man be consistent and stable and have your family’s best interest at heart is a nightmare. No one to rest comfortably on at the end of the day. It’s isolating. Having kids together adds a whole other layer. I can’t leave because we’re broke. Knowing there’s no way out keeps me barely hanging on to my sanity. Let’s keep supporting each other!
Yes. I feel so trapped as there is no money to move and nowhere to go. The kids suffer at home but love their father so much. Sending love and I hope things have improved for you.
My therapist has encouraged me to stay in the line of thought to remember I can't control my two addicted grown kids choices. I can suggest and set good example, but it boils down to Their Choices for themselves. Painful and mind boggling, but yes the Fear is the worst part. I take ashwagandha supplements for anxiety and I pray pray pray for strength for all of us.
I’ve been in the same boat.. but, I’m wondering if others fears are universal. Would you mind sharing what your fears have been? Sorry for your pain in all of this 😢
🙌 My husband's go to line is "I don't want to fight with you ... " then two - three hours later he is still yelling about stuff that happened 5 years ago, whether or not I ignore or engage. 🤦♀️
Honey, give yourself permission to leave. He’s not your parents. You can exit. You are not a bad person, you are a mother. Do for you and your children what he can’t right now. That is far better than your children seeing Momma like this. It’s okay to leave. Gather your own strength and be there for yourself and your children.
LEAVE HIM! 8 years!? That is too long. He's already endangered your kids. Take the break instead of trying to reason with him. You might see some progress. But trust me its manipulation on his part. I pray for your family and hope things get better for you Brigette.
My hubs is always honest about it, goes to meetings and all that but it still Doesn’t make him stop using. He’s putting on a show for others and as soon as a sponsor finds out what’s he’s really up to; he “finds a new one.” Distancing and working on my own stuff keeps me emotionally protected. I like the part about stealing. Stealing from the family isn’t just monetary.
✋️yes all ofthis. I had blinders on for years. Althou it seems to have become worse in the last few ..married 27 years now. We have lost some of the family rituals as it is too exhausting for all of us non addiction members to comply and pretend its okay. I have been pushing down urges to confront as ive done the past full year now realizing exactly that this was the worst thing to be doing...thanks to these videos i have been able to move forward and remian compassionate empathetic and loving 90% of the time and i have also started turning those flame seekers into working on myself. Youre a national treasure Amber ! ❤
Brigette - Brave of you to come on and share. You have some great insights into your ‘own’ stuff. Like developing co-dependence and noting your response/reaction to his recent relapse. Sounds like you’ve worked on this and probably like most of us benefited from Ambers great videos. Heartfelt thoughts to you in staying strong and and taking care of yourself and your children - the things you have absolute control of…. Best to your husband also and your relationship. Thanks Amber ! You’re terrific. 💙
5 місяців тому+2
It was a vicious cycle thats make the other person physically and mentally sick. I finally had to choose myself.
You have explained so much. The financial - no matter how wealthy - in fact if they are wealthy, it feels like even more like entrapment in many ways bc they respect no one and other people are too scared or intimidated to even make a bad facial expression when he’s obviously belligerent - it makes you resentful on levels you didn’t know existed. I have been going thru absolute crazy town - talk about projection!! And now, the casino, and the south Florida boat show - and the enabling flying monkeys that absolutely make life miserable - and you’re so right, if you confront or in any way point out that these people are sucking the life out of you and shoveling beer into your soul - then he threw the largest, most disgusting 🤮 tantrum and it felt so bizarre and out of place. And now it makes sense. And he turned on me. And talk about discard!!! It effects all of his employees, family, neighbors, anyone who happens to be on the road bc he’s such a high functioning alcoholic that I did not know he was “steadily” drunk at all times. Just….so many pieces have finally came together. If you’re out there, and you know what it is like to deal w a true, real, actual narcissist - take a classic narcissist and when they become so alcohol dependent that they build their life and business around it - they become what feels like a malignant Narc. And they will discard you bc they are not only dealing w the false self - but the false, sober self. And neither are real. Good luck out there. Sometimes, I think we survivors - when we rebuild and thrive - maybe we should start a GoFundMe account for the financially screwed victims out there who need to gtfo. Much love. Much thank you for the understanding.
you stated that maybe I have my reactive emotions under control, but INSIDE it’s still there…. That definitely hit the nail on the head for me. Inside I still feel resentful, angry, sad. And that’s still very hard to deal with. But yes, working making my life how I want it (and stop thinking so much about it), is definitely what I need to work on. Thank you Amber.
Again Im watching this today and listening to this young woman I can hear myself. I've often have thought that when I am explaining my situation that I sound like I'm all over the place. I can hear and see how much the the addicted person affects us. Not sure Im explaining it but I have seen myself in this young woman so many times. I feel like there is something so wrong in me!!! I pray this young woman can break away from it.
It’s so sad to see all of this pain. Surely makes it extremely scary to involve again with another. That young girl that’s a nurse, I wonder if her guy can even comprehend the depths of stress just from her job, let alone all the other things. My hope would be that she gets away from this pain because otherwise, this is the rest of your life. You are worth so much more. Even if it’s the peace of being alone with two kids.
@chilloften I totally agree that it's best for Brigitte and the children to get out of this traumatic situation because it will destroy her mental AND physical health in the end, which is already happening! I realise that it's much easier to see from the outside looking in though. Hopefully, they're free by now, unless he managed to stop completely, as well as doing healing work. 😥
Thank you Brigitte... The only way I could get away from my boyfriend was to go on complete no contact. I got off all social media and changed my phone number. Flying monkeys were everywhere but I kept no contact and that worked for me. He stole so much money and was so violent that I had to do it. I'm praying for you. Everyone has their own path, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Follow the Holy Spirit. He is my constant love and guide now.
Thank you, Brigitte. I feel your pain. I did it for 24 years. I can relate to every word. It didn't work out well for us. I pray your situation gets better, I hope your ending is better than mine. I didn't find Amber until after the fact, I wish I had found her a long time ago. Prayers for you.
This is me, emotional roller coaster with my husband. Just when I thought he hit rock bottom and had a wake up call to finally change, he isn't. He is only better for maybe 2 weeks after being in trouble then become so detached and not present for months. I wish it is just easy to get out of this mess. It is terrible to walk on eggshells.
It just never helps to let out our feelings to the addict. As awful as those feelings are, we can try to find tools to release them and re-regulate. Having support is key.
I disagree. The moments of biggest clarity that my recent ex has are still the moments when he realizes that there are people who care about him and are hurt by his addiction as well. As long as the emotion you let them see is pain and worry I don't think that'll always bad.
I have watched so many of your videos and I am in the HFF course but this particular Visio really hit home! This is exactly where I’m at! My daughter is in rehab for the third time and I’m really trying to gather amo! I just want to thank you and your team for all your work I don’t know how I would get through this without you all.❤
@@PutTheShovelDown Your videos have helped me tremendously. I Wanted to have empathy rather than expectations and judgement. . Think for the most part am there. But, still a lot of fear and suffering.
Brigitte, I feel so much for you. i was in the same situation for 15 years. towards the end, we had a baby boy and ultimately I left the father of my child to protect our child. i moved across the country to get away from the situation. it is heartbreaking to keep them apart but he does not respect my boundaries and does not keep to his recovery/ sober pla. i know that he will end up not respecting our son's boundaries either and that is why i had to make the change
Thank you Amber for your time today, I wish I could have gathered my thoughts better and had better direct questions. I feel like I ended up trying to vent because I’m just in the middle of it all right now and my mind is clouded and I’m tired…but some how you still managed to have helpful insight/advice. I appreciate it so much. Thank you for everything you do!!💜
I hope that Brigitte will be able to let go of this relationship and realize that she deserves so much more than what this man can ever give her. I know first hand how hard it is to love someone so long and so hard, but it doesn’t love the the drug addiction away. I know we know the person they “were” but who they are now is not the same person. There comes a time when you absolutely have to do what is best for your children and yourself. It’s so painful but we ourselves are addicted to this person and their behavior. Sometimes letting go is the only option we have for ourselves and for them.
So much about this live hits close to home. I could really relate to Bridgite. And that description in the beginning about the addicted spouse being the bread winner and the other person feeling trapped having 3 kids, one is disabled is exactly 💯 my situation, exactly.
This channel is such a blessing. I appreciate and apply it all. Thank you. My son just got home from recovery. 1 day and it is heavy. We are working on getting him into a Sober living after we clear up a warrant this week. If they can help him do that great. Him completing 60 days was a huge feat. I need to become a member.
Watching these videos, I would think seriously about getting involved with anyone, let alone having children with them. Too much heartache. My 1st husband was a serial cheater and liar, alcohol was his wife.
I came across your channel in search of help and understanding and maaaaan I’m so so so happy I did!!!! I’ve had so many questions about how I’m handling this situation and was so consumed by it that I had just started finding peace in my house and life again and your videos are a Godsend 🙌🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽 I’m so grateful to have found you because you are answering so many questions in my head! I’ve been super frustrated and angry with a family member but I’m starting to learn so much from you! May God continue to Bless you to help all of us because you are truly amazing!!!!!!!! ❤❤❤
Wow, it really hit me when you said that I have to stop thinking about it. I am clearly addicted and obsessed with my loved one's addiction. If "I" can't beat my addiction to her addiction, how can I ever expect her to beat her addiction. So, so hard.
Your chanel will grow! Unbelievably spot on and very helpful for me. I’ve come to realize that my intuition is guiding me in the right direction, however your content takes the edge off the gaslighting. Thank you, thank you, thank you 🙏🏼
You are not alone! It feels so lonely. It feels so isolating to be married to and have children with someone who struggles with addictions. Even though we feel like we are in these silos, alone with our children and grief, our experiences are so similar. Our loved ones demonstrate similar behaviors. We are not alone.
My wife is still drinking, but I’ve been with her 26 years married and 30 years together, she knows she has a problem but doesn’t think when she goes out she’ll buy something to drink. This has been going on for at least seven years. I’ve left three days before Christmas staying in a hotel room feeling down despondent and guilty that I’m not there trying to help her.
Sick and tired if watching him kill every brain cell I gave him! I have NO patience to be around him. He makes no sense. i don't know how he can live like this. He has NO grasp on reality!
I understand exactly I'm there too, now I'm trying the do it on your own and see what happens, very hard for me, but in 10 years of me doing anything and everything hasn't helped?
I feel this poor girls pain threw the screen. im in the same boat with 2 small kids. i wish i could connect with her somehow i want her too know how strong she is and to keep faith mama💜💓
She needs him to understand what this addiction is doing to her! That's what I needed too. Its like they cant see how hurt and devastating their addiction is to their own wife...Thats what I feel and think anyway.
✋✋resonates in my life, 4 years since our daughter took her own life, and for my wife she feels her life is over, which I empathise, but the resentment of her addiction and watch her self destruction is insurmountable.
Its great to have hobbies. Ive been watching tutorials on you tube. Im learbing how to make quilt blocks. Its really fun and keeps my mind off of loved ones addictions. Give it a try. And its a great way to meet new friends. Quilters in your area.
Does anyone else relate that the addict will only be one on one with each family member or friends ,never will be in presence of 2 at a time , You will notice everyone they talk to has a different take on their situation becouse addict talks an reacts different with each ! If you sit back and let the addict talk or their friends over time their story's never Mach last week what they told you will change ,They can't keep up with what they said ,It will drive you crazy but you will see a routine of manipulation and tactics they use ! And they will use your emotions to get their way , They will use rage to get you off their back or use it to control the situation and when you figure it out you become hurt ,mad,non trusting ,Snoopy , scared for them ,you become a private detective down the rabbit hole ! You end up as sick as the addict ,you will always be in the bad guy role just for asking if they ok ! Every situation Amber brings up will adventualy come true ! The one most thing I wish I would have done was find ME myself and I the counseling ,the thearapist, the group to help Me ! Your trauma from it all even after they are sober does not go away fast ❤️
I feel that way with my daughter. Sober after bad car accident and detoxed, but not by choice. So 4 months sober she moved back to her house. Now I always jump to negative thoughts and suspect her of drinking. Even though I don’t have any proof. I fall into the rabbity hole. So hard to stop that. Anyone with advice?
You're already half way there because you recognize when it's happening. When you feel that happening. You have to redirect your thinking. It's the same as when a newly sober person starts having a craving. You have to retrain your thinking but not allowing yourself to go into the rabbit hole.
I like this we control what we think. I picture doing this comes from my favorite movie Gone With the Wind. Scarlett O'Hara " I will think about it tomorrow".
Amber. For the people who go live with you on these videos, do you keep their contact info? This girl sounds exactly like me and my situation and I would like to reach out to her if she allows it. Or anyone else in my situation. I don't talk to really anyone about my problems because it's so embarrassing.
Oh sweet beautiful girl... Its time to work on you and you babies. He will have to figure himself out without you until he gets right, whenever that is.
Amen! I feel exactly this way but I’m stuck, stressed, and I feel my and my spouse’s finances are slowly being drained because my husband is not willing to increase the rent for a retired tenant because she has a low income so we have to subsidize her lifestyle.
Beyond frustration? I cried when I heard that. Been dealing with my sons addiction 20+ years, well I guess you already know what stays on my mind every second of every day. I'm tired, feel like I gave it my best shot, all I had. Bc I chose to help my son I've been abandoned by my entire family & friends, not even a ph call in over 5 years. Its like watching my kid slowly kill himself and I just don't have the heart to watch it anymore.
My sons addiction with fentanyl is so very very bad ( he does not live with me) I’m so afraid and I’m frozen in my thoughts and worry crying and sadness every day
My husband is like Jekyll and Hyde. He’s himself for a while,then becomes some else when he decides he’s going to binge drink for a while. It’s really hard to have empathy at this point. I don’t respect him anymore,and working on getting myself a job(at 54,not easy) to make enough money to leave. Being lonely in a relationship has to be worse than being single again.
Wow this is my life right now! I’m definitely trying to figure things out for me and our child. I just can’t continue going in like this anymore I have to leave and leave for good! My husband is at the point where he’s not gonna stop drinking he’s lost his job due to drinking now he’s drinking even more driving without a license he’s just a ticking time bomb and I just need to get out of this train wreck!
Hi Amber, PLEASE do a video on HOW TO GET YOUR A~ to have a conversation or open up if even a little. He's Completely shut off, shame?. I haven't been the bad guy, Mom, for about 5/6 months. Hes Homeless now and I only see him about 1 x per week now. Age of onset 14, years of A 14, 1 year clean, relapse with shut downs 5-2020.
The only healthy feeling to have for them is indifference to their chaos and the desire to get them completely out of your life. (If it's your kids, that's really hard) They can fight their own battles-- without you. They are fully capable of taking care of themselves--without you and without anyone else, or with whomever else they may pick-- if they actually wish to.
Amber i hope you see this- i was wondering if you have any suggestions for finding a good local counselor that i could go see? My husband’s addiction took everyone from me and now im living with family and safe but i really need therapy. Its hard to find someone who will be affordable through my insurance and who also understands spouses of addicts and what we go through. Ive watched like ALL your videos - so good
Hi Mariana, I suggest looking for a counselor who specializes in addiction. I know you don’t have the addiction but an addiction counselor would probably understand your situation really well.
🙋♂🙋♂🙋♂🙋♂🙋♂🙋♂🙋♂🙋♂🙋♂🙋♂🙋♂🙋♂🙋♂🙋♂🙋♂🙋♂🙋♂🙋♂🙋♂ I really want off the Roller Coaster been waiting for the ride to come to a stop but just realized it will not stop on its own. Going to Jump off and Pray I land on my Feet......🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
My partner & I are both alcoholics. I feel like if we were both into it we could get sober together. But we’re never on that page at the same time so we end up enabling each other. He’s also a gambler. But he only does it after he drinks. And what if alcohol is our whole relationship? What if one or both falls out of love because we get sober?
And bless your heart Bridget! Im only half through your story, and what im noticing is he doesn't have respect for you, hes definitely manipulating and you may be a bit co dependent on him. Its time to quit laying out the welcome mat for him to mess up. Meaning, shut the door and lock it until he gets his crap together. Hes had far too many chances, and hes taking advantage of you by "talking" his way out of facing his issue. I hope all os well w you, but you ARE strong enough to leave his ass in the dust. His choices have consequences, and they are falling on you. Definitely leave for at LEAST 3 months. Keep your foot DOWN.
I would catch my 43 year old son doing something against the rules and confront him about it. Then he proceeds to get mad at me like I did something wrong. I know that game for sure. Getting ready to kick him out because I worked 30 years to be able to pack up and go places. I can’t do that because I feel like I have to babysit him because he doesn’t respect the rules of my house. I’ve just had it. I deserve the life that I’ve worked for. Plus I know that the drug use is getting to be more often And I feel myself being angry all the time. I don’t like it.
I canceled a beach trip with my AD. She swears she’s not using. I’m going without her because I saw behavior that triggered past trauma (lying about having a job, some slurring speech) She’s furious with me and said horrible things to me. Should I apologize to her for cancelling the trip?
My daughtughter is about to be released from prison after 2 years. She has struggled with most substances and trauma ondz With her dad and ex partners ect. I know she has used and done all the saviors all along. How can I prepare to support her without falling for the same Ole. I'm still learning self care and boundaries myself and have had my own struggles with addiction after 20 years sober
Here's a link to my playlist on getting through to people in denail: ua-cam.com/play/PLaaJWwIpP_zbt7K5LWKBwDtivT9DZ8TsF.html We also have an entire online course that teaches our step by step strategie. It's called the Invisible Intervention. Here's a link to learn more: www.familyrecoveryacademy.online/invisible-intervention
My comment is a little different. I do feel like I’m providing the type of support you mention without nagging, helping with accountability and participating in family help courses. I am very aware, and expressed it to my son, that the best way I can support him is by loving him through the process he has to go through after he gets out of treatment. I know and understand he needs to find therapists, counselors, sober friends, and sponsors. I just want to be his sounding board and listen without prejudice. He hopes he can stay in this program for a minimum of 30-60-90 days. We live in Florida, and I’m supportive of the possibility that he might want to stay there. Should I move out to California to be near him to provide that familial role?
@@PutTheShovelDown everyone is telling me the same thing, but hearing it from you gives the answer more weight. My son’s 20, and I have always felt like I know what’s best for him. Just like the amazing detox center I found for him. I knew it’s what he needed. Everyone told me it wouldn’t work, but I didn’t listen to anyone. It focuses on holistic healing, intensive inpatient residential therapy, community activities, community meetings, and all of the other programs offered at this program out in Laguna Beach. My gut tells me I should be there as a “trampoline” in case he needs family…he’s sensitive and is very close to me, his gma, and his cousin. Taking all that into consideration, I want to understand the reason behind everyone telling me not to go. I only want to do/help in the least restrictive way, but I also need to logically explain it to my brain. I need to know the consequences of going vs staying. I’ve reached out to his counselor yesterday to get her opinion on the matter and I’m sure we’ll set up phone calls etc. We’ve only spoken to him once since he left 13 days ago because of the blackout period. Please, help me understand the “why” behind everyone’s ‘no’s’. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
What do You do when you're dealing with the cooccuring behaviors of online cheating, and emotional cheating through chats, or text, that they do when they are drunk or high
More on Managing Emotions: 👉🏻👉🏻 ua-cam.com/video/bTJ2LNeTQnQ/v-deo.html
Thank you Amber
I reached out to Better Help I received a message back saying they have limited counselors at this time . In addition I am retired and I can not afford fees .
✋
This is dead on. You keep trying to help, feeling empathy, you keep thinking about solutions, and then you get abused, lied to, and your life becomes hell. Then you walk away and feel better, and then start feeling bad for them and try to come back. It is a horrible cycle, a real rollercoaster.
so true, I can totally relate to that
@@helenepotts3170 My solution was to finally say to them and to me: I have done my part, I have fought for months and months. This is your fight now. You have to take it on. I cannot fight for you alone anymore.
Spot on, Arthur!
@@PutTheShovelDown You rock! Listening to your videos helped me realize what I am dealing with and stay calm, it took away much of the pain. It was living hell before that.
Listening to this poor girl really worries me about my own situation. I was hoping there would be a possibility that my bf would get out of rehab and never go back, but it seems to me like the battle is only uphill for everyone.
This poor girl is suffering. I have been there myself. I too am a nurse. Not to mention how stressful that work is on top of dealing with an alcoholic/drug user and small children.I love my alone time and quiet time now because of the years of mental torture. I am praying for this sweet girl. I hope she finds the courage to detach .
I am just now coming to understand that my partner sees me as the bad guy. I'm his trigger and excuse to drink. It's really frustrating because I work on myself a lot. I have a strong faith life. I do therapy. I have a large social network. I'm not willing to be a martyr or a scapegoat anymore. The biggest challenge is remaining calm but he knows how to push my buttons then turn it around on me. I find myself completely avoiding him lately. I'm very emotionally drained.
I could have written this post😢
I feel this
@@jacquelinecotarelo-echagar2270 ME2
Thank you for helping me realize I have an addiction trying to fix my sons addiction...
Wow, Amber, this is so timely. This is so practical. I want joy! Happiness! painting! making money. Starting my new life after my husband died. This is sooooooo soooooo gooooood!
😁😁😁😁
In desperation, I began searching for resources and found your channel. Much needed. I feel like I have finally gotten to a place where I am emotiinal regulated, if I have to ask, I dont because, I already know the answer. I can trust myself (and not him). I am emotionally done and trying to make some real decisions to move forward and get me and mine to a safer place. Really hard after 35+ years of marriage, business partners and joined at the hip. Throw in my vow to complicate things. He is actively destroying all relationships and business. Need to find the boundaries without me being the bad guy.
Welcome to our little community, Brenda! We're so glad you're here 😊
Amber, thank you so much for letting her talk. I watch your videos and I know how kind you are but I was worried that when she was pouring her heart out you were going to interject for time purposes but you didn't and I so appreciate that because I know what it must've felt like for her to finally get you face to face. So thank you so much for allowing her the space. And thank you to Brigitte for her honesty and courage for talking about what she's going through. I can totally relate. Praying for Brigitte and her family 🤍
Recovery takes amazing courage that not everyone has. Honesty can be extremely difficult. You can’t make anyone do or say anything they don’t want to. You can only control yourself and your responses.
Oh my gosh, I cried through this whole thing. I feel Brigitte’s pain! I truly do. We feel so helpless, abused, and invalidated. Living in uncertainty and not having your man be consistent and stable and have your family’s best interest at heart is a nightmare. No one to rest comfortably on at the end of the day. It’s isolating. Having kids together adds a whole other layer. I can’t leave because we’re broke. Knowing there’s no way out keeps me barely hanging on to my sanity. Let’s keep supporting each other!
Yes. I feel so trapped as there is no money to move and nowhere to go. The kids suffer at home but love their father so much. Sending love and I hope things have improved for you.
My therapist has encouraged me to stay in the line of thought to remember I can't control my two addicted grown kids choices. I can suggest and set good example, but it boils down to Their Choices for themselves. Painful and mind boggling, but yes the Fear is the worst part. I take ashwagandha supplements for anxiety and I pray pray pray for strength for all of us.
I’ve been in the same boat.. but, I’m wondering if others fears are universal.
Would you mind sharing what your fears have been?
Sorry for your pain in all of this 😢
🙌 My husband's go to line is "I don't want to fight with you ... " then two - three hours later he is still yelling about stuff that happened 5 years ago, whether or not I ignore or engage. 🤦♀️
Record him and play it back when he s sober
So he sees your side of the story clearly
If he doesn’t want to know different
Get away and save yourself
Honey, give yourself permission to leave. He’s not your parents. You can exit. You are not a bad person, you are a mother. Do for you and your children what he can’t right now. That is far better than your children seeing Momma like this. It’s okay to leave. Gather your own strength and be there for yourself and your children.
You can also leave your parents if they intentionally keep hurting you 🤗
I’m still here after husband’s suicide and dealing with son’s addiction. We’re all far braver and stronger than we think. Be fearless!
💜💜💜
❤️
LEAVE HIM! 8 years!? That is too long. He's already endangered your kids. Take the break instead of trying to reason with him. You might see some progress. But trust me its manipulation on his part. I pray for your family and hope things get better for you Brigette.
My hubs is always honest about it, goes to meetings and all that but it still Doesn’t make him stop using. He’s putting on a show for others and as soon as a sponsor finds out what’s he’s really up to; he “finds a new one.” Distancing and working on my own stuff keeps me emotionally protected. I like the part about stealing. Stealing from the family isn’t just monetary.
✋️yes all ofthis. I had blinders on for years. Althou it seems to have become worse in the last few ..married 27 years now. We have lost some of the family rituals as it is too exhausting for all of us non addiction members to comply and pretend its okay. I have been pushing down urges to confront as ive done the past full year now realizing exactly that this was the worst thing to be doing...thanks to these videos i have been able to move forward and remian compassionate empathetic and loving 90% of the time and i have also started turning those flame seekers into working on myself. Youre a national treasure Amber ! ❤
Brigette - Brave of you to come on and share. You have some great insights into your ‘own’ stuff. Like developing co-dependence and noting your response/reaction to his recent relapse. Sounds like you’ve worked on this and probably like most of us benefited from Ambers great videos. Heartfelt thoughts to you in staying strong and and taking care of yourself and your children - the things you have absolute control of…. Best to your husband also and your relationship. Thanks Amber ! You’re terrific. 💙
It was a vicious cycle thats make the other person physically and mentally sick. I finally had to choose myself.
Dear Brigitte, my heart goes out for you. You are a courageous, kind and strong human being, I admire you very much and share your pain. Stay strong!
You have explained so much. The financial - no matter how wealthy - in fact if they are wealthy, it feels like even more like entrapment in many ways bc they respect no one and other people are too scared or intimidated to even make a bad facial expression when he’s obviously belligerent - it makes you resentful on levels you didn’t know existed. I have been going thru absolute crazy town - talk about projection!! And now, the casino, and the south Florida boat show - and the enabling flying monkeys that absolutely make life miserable - and you’re so right, if you confront or in any way point out that these people are sucking the life out of you and shoveling beer into your soul - then he threw the largest, most disgusting 🤮 tantrum and it felt so bizarre and out of place. And now it makes sense. And he turned on me. And talk about discard!!! It effects all of his employees, family, neighbors, anyone who happens to be on the road bc he’s such a high functioning alcoholic that I did not know he was “steadily” drunk at all times. Just….so many pieces have finally came together.
If you’re out there, and you know what it is like to deal w a true, real, actual narcissist - take a classic narcissist and when they become so alcohol dependent that they build their life and business around it - they become what feels like a malignant Narc. And they will discard you bc they are not only dealing w the false self - but the false, sober self. And neither are real.
Good luck out there. Sometimes, I think we survivors - when we rebuild and thrive - maybe we should start a GoFundMe account for the financially screwed victims out there who need to gtfo.
Much love. Much thank you for the understanding.
you stated that maybe I have my reactive emotions under control, but INSIDE it’s still there…. That definitely hit the nail on the head for me. Inside I still feel resentful, angry, sad. And that’s still very hard to deal with. But yes, working making my life how I want it (and stop thinking so much about it), is definitely what I need to work on. Thank you Amber.
Again Im watching this today and listening to this young woman I can hear myself. I've often have thought that when I am explaining my situation that I sound like I'm all over the place. I can hear and see how much the the addicted person affects us. Not sure Im explaining it but I have seen myself in this young woman so many times. I feel like there is something so wrong in me!!! I pray this young woman can break away from it.
Amen! I hear you.
Just found your channel. Wish I had found you years ago. Thank you for being in UA-cam!!!!!!
You are so welcome, Coleen!
It’s so sad to see all of this pain. Surely makes it extremely scary to involve again with another.
That young girl that’s a nurse, I wonder if her guy can even comprehend the depths of stress just from her job, let alone all the other things. My hope would be that she gets away from this pain because otherwise, this is the rest of your life. You are worth so much more. Even if it’s the peace of being alone with two kids.
@chilloften I totally agree that it's best for Brigitte and the children to get out of this traumatic situation because it will destroy her mental AND physical health in the end, which is already happening!
I realise that it's much easier to see from the outside looking in though. Hopefully, they're free by now, unless he managed to stop completely, as well as doing healing work. 😥
You are sooooo right! Thank you Amber!😊. It’s so hard not to worry about your child especially when you are raising their kids.
So true!
Thank you Brigitte... The only way I could get away from my boyfriend was to go on complete no contact. I got off all social media and changed my phone number. Flying monkeys were everywhere but I kept no contact and that worked for me. He stole so much money and was so violent that I had to do it. I'm praying for you. Everyone has their own path, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Follow the Holy Spirit. He is my constant love and guide now.
Thank you, Brigitte. I feel your pain. I did it for 24 years. I can relate to every word. It didn't work out well for us. I pray your situation gets better, I hope your ending is better than mine. I didn't find Amber until after the fact, I wish I had found her a long time ago. Prayers for you.
This is me, emotional roller coaster with my husband. Just when I thought he hit rock bottom and had a wake up call to finally change, he isn't. He is only better for maybe 2 weeks after being in trouble then become so detached and not present for months. I wish it is just easy to get out of this mess. It is terrible to walk on eggshells.
It just never helps to let out our feelings to the addict. As awful as those feelings are, we can try to find tools to release them and re-regulate. Having support is key.
I disagree. The moments of biggest clarity that my recent ex has are still the moments when he realizes that there are people who care about him and are hurt by his addiction as well. As long as the emotion you let them see is pain and worry I don't think that'll always bad.
I moved my addicted brother out of my house. I am finding my life back. I deserve as much happiness as he does .
I have watched so many of your videos and I am in the HFF course but this particular Visio really hit home! This is exactly where I’m at! My daughter is in rehab for the third time and I’m really trying to gather amo! I just want to thank you and your team for all your work I don’t know how I would get through this without you all.❤
You are so welcome!
@@PutTheShovelDown
Your videos have helped me tremendously. I Wanted to have empathy rather than expectations and judgement. . Think for the most part am there. But, still a lot of fear and suffering.
Brigitte, I feel so much for you. i was in the same situation for 15 years. towards the end, we had a baby boy and ultimately I left the father of my child to protect our child. i moved across the country to get away from the situation. it is heartbreaking to keep them apart but he does not respect my boundaries and does not keep to his recovery/ sober pla. i know that he will end up not respecting our son's boundaries either and that is why i had to make the change
Thank you Amber for your time today, I wish I could have gathered my thoughts better and had better direct questions. I feel like I ended up trying to vent because I’m just in the middle of it all right now and my mind is clouded and I’m tired…but some how you still managed to have helpful insight/advice. I appreciate it so much. Thank you for everything you do!!💜
You are so welcome, Brigitte! Thank you for sharing your story with us.
Thinking of you and praying for your situation, kids, etc. 😔🙏🏼
I hope that Brigitte will be able to let go of this relationship and realize that she deserves so much more than what this man can ever give her. I know first hand how hard it is to love someone so long and so hard, but it doesn’t love the the drug addiction away. I know we know the person they “were” but who they are now is not the same person. There comes a time when you absolutely have to do what is best for your children and yourself. It’s so painful but we ourselves are addicted to this person and their behavior. Sometimes letting go is the only option we have for ourselves and for them.
@@mellbell5236 letting go is what I need to do, maybe my Son will value me when I'm not available anymore.
Sweetheart, you NEEDED TO VENT, I teared up several times because I could feel your pain, and the lack of feeling understood. I'm so glad you called.
So much about this live hits close to home. I could really relate to Bridgite. And that description in the beginning about the addicted spouse being the bread winner and the other person feeling trapped having 3 kids, one is disabled is exactly 💯 my situation, exactly.
My mom used to do this all the time. Now that she is gone I’m seen as the monster
This channel is such a blessing. I appreciate and apply it all. Thank you. My son just got home from recovery. 1 day and it is heavy. We are working on getting him into a Sober living after we clear up a warrant this week. If they can help him do that great. Him completing 60 days was a huge feat. I need to become a member.
Wow, thank you
Watching these videos, I would think seriously about getting involved with anyone, let alone having children with them.
Too much heartache. My 1st husband was a serial cheater and liar, alcohol was his wife.
I needed this today. Thank you
Happy to help!
I came across your channel in search of help and understanding and maaaaan I’m so so so happy I did!!!! I’ve had so many questions about how I’m handling this situation and was so consumed by it that I had just started finding peace in my house and life again and your videos are a Godsend 🙌🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽 I’m so grateful to have found you because you are answering so many questions in my head! I’ve been super frustrated and angry with a family member but I’m starting to learn so much from you! May God continue to Bless you to help all of us because you are truly amazing!!!!!!!! ❤❤❤
Wow, it really hit me when you said that I have to stop thinking about it. I am clearly addicted and obsessed with my loved one's addiction. If "I" can't beat my addiction to her addiction, how can I ever expect her to beat her addiction. So, so hard.
Thanks
Wow!!!! Thank you so much, @penster6741 😮😮😮😮😍😍🥰🥰💝
Wow! I feel seen! This is me 💯!! ✋ and this video could not have come at a more PERFECT time. Thanks you so much!!! ❤
This one's for you, Rebecca 😉
Oh my I’m noticing so many patterns. In the roller coaster in the dynamics of addiction and the people effected from it.
Your chanel will grow! Unbelievably spot on and very helpful for me. I’ve come to realize that my intuition is guiding me in the right direction, however your content takes the edge off the gaslighting. Thank you, thank you, thank you 🙏🏼
Wonderful! Thank you for your kind words of support!
On the same train.. empathy vs frustration vs resentment. Thank you for your help.
The title is so spot on!
Thank you for all of these videos. They have been part of my saving graces!!
My pleasure, Julia. so glad these are helpful!
I'm getting better about thinking about setting boundaries instead of expressing anger for the lying.
🤩🤩🤩
You are not alone! It feels so lonely. It feels so isolating to be married to and have children with someone who struggles with addictions. Even though we feel like we are in these silos, alone with our children and grief, our experiences are so similar. Our loved ones demonstrate similar behaviors. We are not alone.
My wife is still drinking, but I’ve been with her 26 years married and 30 years together, she knows she has a problem but doesn’t think when she goes out she’ll buy something to drink. This has been going on for at least seven years. I’ve left three days before Christmas staying in a hotel room feeling down despondent and guilty that I’m not there trying to help her.
Total see saw. This should be called guilt vs resentment!
Sick and tired if watching him kill every brain cell I gave him! I have NO patience to be around him. He makes no sense. i don't know how he can live like this. He has NO grasp on reality!
I understand exactly I'm there too, now I'm trying the do it on your own and see what happens, very hard for me, but in 10 years of me doing anything and everything hasn't helped?
It would be really great if you could do some videos on adult children and their addictive parents.
I feel this poor girls pain threw the screen. im in the same boat with 2 small kids. i wish i could connect with her somehow i want her too know how strong she is and to keep faith mama💜💓
She needs him to understand what this addiction is doing to her! That's what I needed too. Its like they cant see how hurt and devastating their addiction is to their own wife...Thats what I feel and think anyway.
Good luck with getting anyone to do what YOU need…brick wall.
Girlfriend. I adore you. I’m not sure if I’ve commented that before, or just thought of doing it, but it holds true. I adore you.
awwwww, thanks Carter 😀
Thank you so much, spot on 👋
You are so welcome
✋✋resonates in my life, 4 years since our daughter took her own life, and for my wife she feels her life is over, which I empathise, but the resentment of her addiction and watch her self destruction is insurmountable.
Its great to have hobbies. Ive been watching tutorials on you tube. Im learbing how to make quilt blocks. Its really fun and keeps my mind off of loved ones addictions. Give it a try. And its a great way to meet new friends. Quilters in your area.
I'm so tired 💔 but I love him.
Omg this is my story. Only together 7 months but I don't want to leave.
Does anyone else relate that the addict will only be one on one with each family member or friends ,never will be in presence of 2 at a time ,
You will notice everyone they talk to has a different take on their situation becouse addict talks an reacts different with each ! If you sit back and let the addict talk or their friends over time their story's never Mach last week what they told you will change ,They can't keep up with what they said ,It will drive you crazy but you will see a routine of manipulation and tactics they use ! And they will use your emotions to get their way , They will use rage to get you off their back or use it to control the situation and when you figure it out you become hurt ,mad,non trusting ,Snoopy , scared for them ,you become a private detective down the rabbit hole ! You end up as sick as the addict ,you will always be in the bad guy role just for asking if they ok ! Every situation Amber brings up will adventualy come true !
The one most thing I wish I would have done was find ME myself and I the counseling ,the thearapist, the group to help Me !
Your trauma from it all even after they are sober does not go away fast ❤️
I can definitely relate to what you're saying Jody!
You are so spot on Amber!! Amen!! 👍
Thank you!
I feel that way with my daughter. Sober after bad car accident and detoxed, but not by choice. So 4 months sober she moved back to her house. Now I always jump to negative thoughts and suspect her of drinking. Even though I don’t have any proof. I fall into the rabbity hole.
So hard to stop that. Anyone with advice?
You're already half way there because you recognize when it's happening. When you feel that happening. You have to redirect your thinking. It's the same as when a newly sober person starts having a craving. You have to retrain your thinking but not allowing yourself to go into the rabbit hole.
Wow, Amber! Thank you so much✋🏻
Right back at ya, Julia!
Thank you for all your great advice
My pleasure,, @bonniehoover6959!
So helpful,exactly how I feel!
I’m just so tired of picking up all the pieces and constantly forgiving
I like this we control what we think. I picture doing this comes from my favorite movie Gone With the Wind. Scarlett O'Hara " I will think about it tomorrow".
exactly!
How does one get ahold of an addiction strategist?
Also, how do we join the membership?
Hi Teja, Here's a link to learn more about the membership: www.familyrecoveryacademy.online/hff-membership
Amber. For the people who go live with you on these videos, do you keep their contact info? This girl sounds exactly like me and my situation and I would like to reach out to her if she allows it. Or anyone else in my situation. I don't talk to really anyone about my problems because it's so embarrassing.
I don't keep their information. Sorry
I’d be happy to talk. Same things going on with me
Oh sweet beautiful girl... Its time to work on you and you babies. He will have to figure himself out without you until he gets right, whenever that is.
Amen! I feel exactly this way but I’m stuck, stressed, and I feel my and my spouse’s finances are slowly being drained because my husband is not willing to increase the rent for a retired tenant because she has a low income so we have to subsidize her lifestyle.
Beyond frustration? I cried when I heard that. Been dealing with my sons addiction 20+ years, well I guess you already know what stays on my mind every second of every day. I'm tired, feel like I gave it my best shot, all I had. Bc I chose to help my son I've been abandoned by my entire family & friends, not even a ph call in over 5 years. Its like watching my kid slowly kill himself and I just don't have the heart to watch it anymore.
My sons addiction with fentanyl is so very very bad ( he does not live with me) I’m so afraid and I’m frozen in my thoughts and worry crying and sadness every day
Sending you positive thoughts and love 💗
My husband is like Jekyll and Hyde.
He’s himself for a while,then becomes some else when he decides he’s going to binge drink for a while.
It’s really hard to have empathy at this point.
I don’t respect him anymore,and working on getting myself a job(at 54,not easy) to make enough money to leave.
Being lonely in a relationship has to be worse than being single again.
Wow this is my life right now! I’m definitely trying to figure things out for me and our child. I just can’t continue going in like this anymore I have to leave and leave for good! My husband is at the point where he’s not gonna stop drinking he’s lost his job due to drinking now he’s drinking even more driving without a license he’s just a ticking time bomb and I just need to get out of this train wreck!
I love you so much God bless you so much.
Hi Amber, PLEASE do a video on HOW TO GET YOUR A~ to have a conversation or open up if even a little. He's Completely shut off, shame?. I haven't been the bad guy, Mom, for about 5/6 months. Hes Homeless now and I only see him about 1 x per week now. Age of onset 14, years of A 14, 1 year clean, relapse with shut downs 5-2020.
THANK YOU!
My pleasure!
This is very close to my family.
The only healthy feeling to have for them is indifference to their chaos and the desire to get them completely out of your life. (If it's your kids, that's really hard) They can fight their own battles-- without you. They are fully capable of taking care of themselves--without you and without anyone else, or with whomever else they may pick-- if they actually wish to.
Amber i hope you see this- i was wondering if you have any suggestions for finding a good local counselor that i could go see? My husband’s addiction took everyone from me and now im living with family and safe but i really need therapy. Its hard to find someone who will be affordable through my insurance and who also understands spouses of addicts and what we go through. Ive watched like ALL your videos - so good
Hi Mariana, I suggest looking for a counselor who specializes in addiction. I know you don’t have the addiction but an addiction counselor would probably understand your situation really well.
Hands up!
🙋♂🙋♂🙋♂🙋♂🙋♂🙋♂🙋♂🙋♂🙋♂🙋♂🙋♂🙋♂🙋♂🙋♂🙋♂🙋♂🙋♂🙋♂🙋♂ I really want off the Roller Coaster been waiting for the ride to come to a stop but just realized it will not stop on its own. Going to Jump off and Pray I land on my Feet......🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
My husband tries to bait me and I call him out on it. I say dont try to bait me, it doesnt work.
My partner & I are both alcoholics. I feel like if we were both into it we could get sober together. But we’re never on that page at the same time so we end up enabling each other. He’s also a gambler. But he only does it after he drinks. And what if alcohol is our whole relationship? What if one or both falls out of love because we get sober?
We all need to fight for our own life.
And bless your heart Bridget! Im only half through your story, and what im noticing is he doesn't have respect for you, hes definitely manipulating and you may be a bit co dependent on him. Its time to quit laying out the welcome mat for him to mess up. Meaning, shut the door and lock it until he gets his crap together. Hes had far too many chances, and hes taking advantage of you by "talking" his way out of facing his issue.
I hope all os well w you, but you ARE strong enough to leave his ass in the dust. His choices have consequences, and they are falling on you. Definitely leave for at LEAST 3 months. Keep your foot DOWN.
I would catch my 43 year old son doing something against the rules and confront him about it. Then he proceeds to get mad at me like I did something wrong. I know that game for sure. Getting ready to kick him out because I worked 30 years to be able to pack up and go places. I can’t do that because I feel like I have to babysit him because he doesn’t respect the rules of my house. I’ve just had it. I deserve the life that I’ve worked for. Plus I know that the drug use is getting to be more often And I feel myself being angry all the time. I don’t like it.
Amen 🙏🏼 I hear ya sister
Thank Penny!
Yes I just can't keep up
I canceled a beach trip with my AD. She swears she’s not using. I’m going without her because I saw behavior that triggered past trauma (lying about having a job, some slurring speech) She’s furious with me and said horrible things to me. Should I apologize to her for cancelling the trip?
My daughtughter is about to be released from prison after 2 years. She has struggled with most substances and trauma ondz With her dad and ex partners ect. I know she has used and done all the saviors all along. How can I prepare to support her without falling for the same Ole. I'm still learning self care and boundaries myself and have had my own struggles with addiction after 20 years sober
We have set boundaries and taken money away. How do we help them admit or do we just sit back and let them fall apart
Here's a link to my playlist on getting through to people in denail: ua-cam.com/play/PLaaJWwIpP_zbt7K5LWKBwDtivT9DZ8TsF.html We also have an entire online course that teaches our step by step strategie. It's called the Invisible Intervention. Here's a link to learn more: www.familyrecoveryacademy.online/invisible-intervention
My comment is a little different. I do feel like I’m providing the type of support you mention without nagging, helping with accountability and participating in family help courses. I am very aware, and expressed it to my son, that the best way I can support him is by loving him through the process he has to go through after he gets out of treatment. I know and understand he needs to find therapists, counselors, sober friends, and sponsors. I just want to be his sounding board and listen without prejudice.
He hopes he can stay in this program for a minimum of 30-60-90 days.
We live in Florida, and I’m supportive of the possibility that he might want to stay there. Should I move out to California to be near him to provide that familial role?
Sounds like you're right on track. I don't recommend moving though
@@PutTheShovelDown everyone is telling me the same thing, but hearing it from you gives the answer more weight.
My son’s 20, and I have always felt like I know what’s best for him. Just like the amazing detox center I found for him. I knew it’s what he needed. Everyone told me it wouldn’t work, but I didn’t listen to anyone. It focuses on holistic healing, intensive inpatient residential therapy, community activities, community meetings, and all of the other programs offered at this program out in Laguna Beach.
My gut tells me I should be there as a “trampoline” in case he needs family…he’s sensitive and is very close to me, his gma, and his cousin.
Taking all that into consideration, I want to understand the reason behind everyone telling me not to go. I only want to do/help in the least restrictive way, but I also need to logically explain it to my brain. I need to know the consequences of going vs staying.
I’ve reached out to his counselor yesterday to get her opinion on the matter and I’m sure we’ll set up phone calls etc. We’ve only spoken to him once since he left 13 days ago because of the blackout period.
Please, help me understand the “why” behind everyone’s ‘no’s’.
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Fear of what?
Fear causes enabling, fear of what causes enabling?
Fear of what will happen if you don't fix things for the other person.
Nail on the head again!!
Thanks Jaqulyn!
What do You do when you're dealing with the cooccuring behaviors of online cheating, and emotional cheating through chats, or text, that they do when they are drunk or high
What is air duster?