Prayer helps. My son has not spoken to me in 6 months because I live in a senior mobile home park and I couldn't let him live here. Now he won't speak to me. I pray a lot. Difficult to have positive, encouraging conversations with someone who won't talk to you. I will NEVER NEVER say he is too far gone, I will NEVER give up on my son.
@paulaneary7877 I agree with it being difficult finding someone who who can have a positive conversation with that won’t judge your loved one for what they got themselves into. Like you, I have a loved one who has a problem. And I’m not giving up on him. I see the gentle gem that he is deep down inside. He has unhealed trauma.
Hang in there Paula, prayer is super effective! and as much as I can clearly see you love your son, our Father in Heaven loves him even more, and also desires to see your son whole and healthy! Some day he will have a powerful testimony that will change others too!
Thanks Amber . This is really helpful . Noticing what I’m thinking and examining it to see if it is hopeful and helpful or despairing and hopeless makes a lot of sense. I really like the seed 🌱 planting imagery . I’m going to try to hold onto that and plant some “casual” seeds .
I have an addict adult daughter and an alcoholic adult son. Their father was an alcoholic. My youngest son is an angel. It’s so hard every day. The addicts abuse and use me
Be careful not to favor a child. Even if one is behaving a lot better. I can tell you from experience it’s very damaging sometimes even to the kid who is favored. Sorry for what you’re going through.
I’m having these feelings still even though he is in recovery for a year. He quit cocaine on his own. I am so proud of him. I feel this is why he still has some addict mind/behavior. Some ways he handles things still seems like he is addicted. I know he is not he doesn’t isolate, gaining weight, working, etc. maybe I see this because of my fears and I am still being suspicious.
The wisest thing anyone ever said to me when I was in the process of splitting from my husband / trying to make it work was, " Sarah, this has nothing to do with you. " at the time it was such a foreign concept. But it helped me let-go go in the end
I am about to broke down. My 30 yr old son is relying on me for rent, car payment, auto insurance and blaming me for everything. I am very scared even thinking about him. I live in egg shell 24 hours.
Hi Heidi, I can see that you're being held hostage by his addiction. There are lots of good resources on this channel for how to get yourself in a better place!
I have two sons one alcoholic, one heroin I leave for 20 years of hell they live with me. They don’t wanna leave. I tried to kick them up. They don’t wanna go they’re abusive. I am so tired so tired. I got no help. I don’t know what to do.
My alcaholic is now living in a boarding house,not working,drinking daily all day,if it wasnt for money he recieved from his dads inheritence,he would be in the streets.l still care about him and try and check on him.he gets the shakes very bad in the mornings and i know he should go to detox..not sure what to do.
I can see it helping me for sure and im thankful for this but ..my husband is in complete denial that he has any problem as he is a full force functioning alcoholic ...i also wonder what you think about narcissism and especially a vulnerable narcissist as i feel my husband has this issue and how that impacts addiction and shame and if it in any way will impede success on these approaches because of their persistant denial of any problem.
I'm angry...this is the second time@ I gave him. Another year down the drain. All my friends think I was stupid from the beginning. The "I told you so". I'm angry he ruined our nice relationship with all the lies and drug use. I feel lousy all the way @
I need you Amber.. how should you react when the person is convinced that he can control the using? Like not doing it for few weeks and then using again? This person usually have periods of 2-3 months of using than stops for 3-4 months and so on. The difference is that after this summer he didn't stopped, now he had for like 3 weeks but plans to do it again like once in a month max. But I feel like he doesn't understand that he can lose control of it because across the years he's doing more and more, less break periods and longer heavy using periods. How can I make him realize that he cannot control the periods and one day he could become a heavier addict? After this summer he totally changed personality.. a lot of people dont even recognize him anymore, he's cold, apathetic, emotionless, doesn't care about anyone in particular. How can I help him? How can I talk to him?
That's a great question. This is actually pretty typical of a person with a substances abuse problem in the earlier stages. They go through a lot of trial and error trying to learn how to "manage" the situation. There is not a way to make them skip this phase but there are some things you can do to speed it up. I call it bargaining. They're bargaining with themselves trying to keep the addiction in their life but reduce the damage.
I feel like this advice works well for something like a child and a bad grade, but a full grown adult engaged in dangerous behavior? “It’s okay you drove drunk and almost killed someone… you’ll do better next time”, “It’s okay you stole all the money out of our bank account… you’ll do better next time”, “It’s okay you abused our child… you’ll do better next time.” At the end of the day, the most important thing you can do when dealing with an addict is protecting yourself first and foremost. We’re talking about serious behavior with life changing consequences for those unfortunate enough to come into contact with the addict.
Why is it always the loved one's fault and job to fix/understand/deal with things and never ever the user's fault? When can they take responsibility? When is enough? 2 years 10 years? I've been so hopeful and helpful and now my life is also passing by.
Not only does it fall on us, but soon as we start making progress in helping our loved ones, the minute they step out in the world its in their face, everywhere, every nook & cranny, and a constant reminder, our country is in infected, I travel alot, it's in some desirable places nowhere safe. Don't really know what going on, I believe its a plot to kill off the American people, there's too many addicted too many dying, to think anything else.
This is awesome, thank you so much Amber, this really helps a lot ❤. I also struggle to trust he will be able to stay sober and is the constant worry while making plans for the future because I am always worried about what if he relapsed again, if you can provide ideas with this issue will be so helpful.
It's very hard to try and find positivity and hope after 15 yrs of betrayal, lies and disappointment. I am just glad he's no longer in my house. That is one thing that keeps me moving! forward
I have always interacted with my son with respect, kindness and encouragement. It has not changed how he acted. No matter what I did or how many times I encouraged him he has not changed. I have heard the same response from every counsellor, or anyone trying to help: "You can't change other people." So yes, how you interact with someone is important, but in this video you are trying to say that what I do will change what he does. Not true. He must change what he does. It is important how we interact, but it is not on other people's shoulders.
Amber, you are so inspirational and have so much insight to offer. Thank you. I've been in such a dark place living with an addicted spouse. I am so aware of the negativity I feel and know I need to get a grip on that. What an emotional rollercoaster we find ourselves on.
Hi Amber, is it wrong to want to separate yourself completely from your loved one, after trying everything? I’m so tired. All my approaches and tactics have all been loving and respectful. It’s affected me so much that I had to quit my job bc my worrying interfered with my daily performance. I used to be a cheerful person, now I feel like Eeyore. Everyday is a gloomy day.
I’m in the same boat, i dont even have any energy to fight with it anymore. Once i knew my addict bf relapse again after get out from rehab for a week. I cry like crazy , so painful to see someone u love keep doing drugs and drink , he even said he wanna kill himself. But i dont know what to do anymore. I tried so hard and give all mine for many years.
I’m following you for a while, your channel is great! Thank you for everything... but this one video is really amazing... I’m going to watch it another 4 times. Thank you. I feel angry and disparaging when my wife drinks and lies to me... I’m committed to replacing them with being loving and reassuring. Thank you for giving real help and a message of hope.
You are so welcome, Giovanni! Shifting to a place of love and hope, is not only going to help your wife, but it's going to help you as well. Don't let her addiction turn you into someone you don't want to be.
God bless you Amber and all the work you do ☺️❤️🙏🏽. I’m very thankful for your channel and videos. You provide valuable information as well as hope for those of us who are affected by a loved one’s addiction. Your videos get me through some dark and very difficult moments in my life. Continued blessing to you for shining such a powerful light!! 🙏🏽🙏🏽
Amber, I have been trying to do this for the last 3 months, but he is so bad off the Gi Dr at the hospital told us that if he has 1 more drop of alcohol he will die. He is in rehab for a months now but it’s hard to tell him I know he is going to make it when there is such high stakes.
This is my issue thinking of and worrying about my AS and AD every single day practically all day long. I don’t know how to stop because they’re my children. 💔😭
Casually hinting and making suggestions or "planting" ideas in someone's head is a nice sentiment. I cannot change someone else's behavior, that is a myth. It doesn't matter what I believe about the situation, it matters what THEY believe. I don't care how much money people pay you. I have been encouraging my son towards the other side for 15 years. It is better than being negative, but the other person is the one that needs to believe the encouraging statement. Obviously.
I came across your videos yesterday while searching for the right approach to letting my 33 yr old son know that he can't live at home any longer. This time last year he was nearing the end of 4 months at a rehab in California, he returned home fpr his sister's wedding, returned to work , was going to meetings, had a sponsor for maybe 2 months. At the moment he is MIA for over 2 wks which is what happened to prompt the intervention last year...we have been dealing with this for way way too long....I am finding your videos extremely helpful. Somethings we have heard before but the way you present the information is like hearing it from a good friend, but a very experienced, knowledgeable friend. You are spot on the money with everything I have heard so far.
@@PutTheShovelDown I have been listening to you while I am doing my morning walk around the lake.....I'm addicted! BAD JOKE, sorry. Keep doing what you're doing, WE need people like you!
"What you want is feeling, not a thing" .... light bulb! ... now I'm doubting the light ... That feels a lot like a "Fake it until you make it" mindset which sounds really inauthentic, almost like an induced denial (toxic positivity?) or living in an imposter mindset ... does that make sense? How do we stay grounded and present in reality while working toward manifesting more of what we want?
Thank you for the vidoes! I am taking my time working through this one. Current feeling: Anxiety. Worried about my husbands decisions with alcohol consumption and the potential for an argument and another ugly/ tension/ angry night. Would rather feel: Peace, because I am still in control of my words and actions, completely separate from anything he does or doesn't do. I can choose my own emotional state by choosing my thoughts intentionally.
Thank you Amber - This was VERY helpful!!!....identifying and taking hold of the "emotion" you desire in your "recovered" love one. Loved it! Mine is PEACE and WHOLENESS cuz its so hard to feel peace and whole - when a part of you (your child) is destroying themself! My strategy is " to surround myself with"...... SCRIPTURE (God's Truth from His Holy Word) ...to bring these emotions out and its the BEST! ...You did mention books - just thought I'd plug THE best one! :) ....and of course your UA-cam videos - keep up the good work!
I can’t believe that I’m just finding you!! I have learned through a book called power vs force to exchange one emotion for another. But when it comes to my alcoholic person, I have been completely confused because of so much data that says to watch them crash and burn. It has never felt right. So for years I have done my own version of doing something nice when they are sober. But I haven’t known any tools of helping him get motivated to stop drinking. I have gone through a lot of confusing ups and downs because of it. This is the first time that I am hearing something that makes sense. I just need to learn now and practice your approach. Is there a group? I got some of the books you recommend, joined the membership, visualizing an amazing outcome but I have a hard tim reading or listening to a book without some practice with some seasoned Craft people. Are there seasoned Crafters out there?
Hi, I hope I don't sound silly asking this but when you say "seasoned crafter" I assume you're talking about arts and crafts. These days they have a new saying for everything so I just wanted to double check 😅. If you are taking about arts and crafts then I'm your girl! I've been crafting for years! When I read your comment I knew I needed to reply. It helps knowing I'm not the only one who lives with an alcoholic. I just found this video about an hour ago. I have a husband who is an alcoholic but the problem is that I am so deeply in love with him and would do anything to protect him. Sounds crazy, I know. I guess that's what made me watch this video. I'm tired. I'm alone with this secret. I would rather cut people from my life to protect both of us from the embarrassment. I don't know anymore. I know something has to give. It's been 15 years now. Anyway, I saw your comment and realized right away that I'm really not the only one. Your comment really resonated with me. Thank you for that!
Walking out on her in the hospital was the hardest saddest thing I ever had to do in my life, I cried the whole way home I felt so sorry for her but at the same time had I folded she would have never looked at the severity of the damage she did to the relationship and the unborn baby she carries.
Amber, I must repeat myself, but you are blessing me tremendously with these. I wish these had been available 8 years ago, but still so very helpful as we’re not out of the woods yet, but seeing more sunshine. I learn with every one of these. Also, just watched the CRAFT explanation of how that approach is different.
I am trying to figure out if giving my son the letter I just wrote with his packed bag is where I should leave it this time....trust he may do what I said to him in regards to his relapse and getting sober again....."don't beat yourself up, but pick yourself up and do it again....I have faith in you" I offered him my help with finding drs, treatment, etc. if he wanted it. Or do I do what I have done in the past and spend more time, energy, and money .....I am very curious to learn more about the Family Recovery Academy, the CRAFT method, motivational interviewing, etc. but I am tired of dealing with this for the last 13+ yrs.
I think the letter idea sounds like a pretty good plan. You can be kind, gentle, and empathetic but also allow him to feel the consequences of his decisions. It's okay to help him as long as he's also helping himself.
@@PutTheShovelDown I get it, letting him stay here while NOT doing anything to help himself is exactly what I can't live with anymore. Which is one of the things I mentioned in the letter. We gave him a good long chance to get a down payment for a condo together but instead he went back to his old friends and old ways, I wish I had encouraged him to stay out west. I am still contemplating making an appointment for a phone consultation....to talk through whether to give him his stuff and ask him to leave... when he surfaces and leave the rest to him and to God. Which is what I want to do as I have many other things I want to focus on. Or if I should continue trying to facilitate change by learning more about your program.
Thanks so much for all your help! I am trying super hard to stop this cycle of negativity & just depressing feelings from another’s addiction! I don’t understand how it affects my emotions so intensely! It’s draining me! Thanks so much I am in it to win it!! 🙌❤️🙏
“Believing as if” is a term that my son’s therapist uses to coach him in sobriety. So many of the same techniques that those with SUD apply are appropriate for their loved ones, because we are in recovery as well.
Think of dried up leaves in the fall or tumbleweeds on the Texas plains. Random, suddenly appearing thoughts about alcohol are like the dried leaves. The wind may blow and bring the dried leaves to your garden. But the leaves don't have to stay there. Another gust of wind may make them disappear. Don't encourage those thoughts of craving alcohol to stay in your brain . That encouragement is just as silly as using glue to attach the dead leaves more firmly to your garden.
Hi tamcif, It's okay to protect yourself. Sometimes you just have to walk away. Here's a video I made on that very topic: ua-cam.com/video/loWOZP1Tig0/v-deo.html
Thanks Claire, I really needed to hear some positive feedback today. Knowing these videos help people is what keeps me motivated to continue making them.
it’s hard when you have a child & you think about how it will impact them instead of you. But this really helped clear some thoughts out, thank you so much. I just started watching your videos and hopefully I can start implementing them and see some sort of change.
My biggest fear is losing him and having to start over and I hate when people are angry with me, I am trying so hard to take care of myself it is taking me a lot of time
I just want to thank you for your channel. I just found you today. I asked God to please send me a channel to help me with this exact issue. I am in deep you are describing a lot of my emotions and feelings. I have been trying to deal with all this why to long. I just want to give up!
will share my recent bad. Asked grandma if she was sending money. I was checking up on my son cause I had asked him not to hit grandma anymore about money. Well, next time son called grandma, guess what. He asked grandma if she and I had talked recently. And then asked what we talked about. ugh. Grandma told on me. Son calls me mad as a wet hen. I don't trust him. I this I that. Yep. next thing ya know we are going down that push my buttons yelling etc. Boundaries are not my best huh. From my way of thinking I was trying to see if he was being honest. After so many years of not being honest, how am I to know if he is blowing smoke if I don't ask someone? I just don't know Amber. I am 64 he is 46, this has been going on since his teens. Well, I don't even know if I should send him a bit of money while in jail again. So there ya go.
You're letting him put you on the defensive. Asking grandma about the money wasn't wrong, but sneaking around to do it is. Here's a tip that might help. If you're going to snoop, ask questions, check references, etc... , just own it! It's completely fine to say, "I don't trust you. I will probably check up on things to make sure I'm getting the whole story". You're allowing him make you feel guilty for not trusting him. You'd be crazy if you did trust him after all the lies. When you sneak around to check up on things, it sends the signal that you're doing something wrong. You feel guilty for going behind his back, and he can use that against you. Next time, just tell him up front that you are going to do it. For example... I don't really recommend that parents go through their kids phone or room, but I tell them that if they are going to do it... Tell them upfront. Tell them that you'll be going through their phone and room on occasion. Then, when you get ready to do it. Let them know you're doing it, they can stand at the door and watch if they want.. Bring everything on the up and up. Hope that all makes sense.
@@PutTheShovelDown Hey Amber. thanks for your reply. Guilty of feeling guilty. For sure. As for me not trusting him well of course not. And have told him so many times. And sometimes I even do tell him will be checking on this or that. Cause he makes up stories about things I was supposed to have done and will mention who else was there. When I check, no never happen. Like I am old and just can't remember anything. Gaslighting I think is the term for that behavior. He comes back with nope not a liar or a thief. So what do you do with that?
How can they get better on they’re own. I had the understanding that if they don’t deal with making amends with the all the hurt that’s been involved with they’re addiction. A dry drunk ???
It's true, some people get sober without dealing with all that and remain in a "dry" state. Others find a way to work through those things in various ways. They may figure out how to make things right in their relationships without a formal plan. Some go to 12 step without ever going to treatment. Some get recovery through church, and there's also a concept known as spontaneous recovery. I think it's important for us to remember that people get recovery in lots of ways.
Shame everyone thinks im a horrible mother. Sorry, I think everyone thinks that, bit not that many people do. Some judge in think it really comes from being disappointed in myself for multiple reasons and a complete failure towards my child. I want to feel I didn't. I know I didn't but it feels Iike I did. This is a complete mess. My daughter is doing well in treatment and I feel scared. I want to feel she's as secure as she appears.
In our office, we see young people who come from great families every single day. It's clearly obvious to us that the parents didn't cause the problem. In fact, one of my counselors (Campbell) had two sons struggle with addictions and I know for a fact, she was an excellent mother.
Excellent advice and knowledge. It makes sense. And I am thankful uve shared this gift, to control our thinking. I will work on this thought process. Ur super helpful & sincere.., ty!
I do know that talking to them as if they aren’t really having a problem or they are having a problem but your not going to draw a lot of attention to it does work. I have seen other people use this technique with my child and things change pretty quickly. Plus I can FEEL the difference between the demeanor of the teacher and myself.
a bit like waiting in positive anticipation of good things, connects with our self esteem, I agree one more skill to keep going and enjoying the present it reminds me of my faith, but lovely to seeing it being dovetailed into counselling, wonderful ! Simone
I am trying to figure out how to help my sister who is an alcoholic but thinks she can get sober without going to rehab or AAA. Yesterday she was at her children’s school drunk. They called the police and she blew a BAC OF. 35. She said she can no longer tell when she is drunk. Her exhusband is going to seek emergency full custody of their children. Alcoholism runs on our family as well as severe mental illness. How do I help her?
It was just like that. I felt on a "hamster wheel going nowhere". And I was working hard at it. Thanks. It is the first time I heard it described. For sure I was codependent. Probably still am. But the person you are with makes all the difference. I do not have to work so hard at life anymore.
I think this is one of your best videos. I saved this to listen to it over and over again to remind me and not let my old negative thinking interfere with my happiness.
I think I'm failing to connect with people again. I have been out for a year and was in four and a half years. Lots of great places to start in my life. How can I help love ones with addiction into the recovery path I am without slipping back into addiction? Thank you!
This was great. I have been practicing manifestation and this helped to clarify it more. So many people have said it worked for them. Lots of insightful information.
Prayer helps. My son has not spoken to me in 6 months because I live in a senior mobile home park and I couldn't let him live here. Now he won't speak to me. I pray a lot. Difficult to have positive, encouraging conversations with someone who won't talk to you. I will NEVER NEVER say he is too far gone, I will NEVER give up on my son.
I'm so sorry you're in this crappy situation, Paula. Sending prayers your way 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
Sounds like someone is pouting and its not you. I hope he mends fences with you.
@paulaneary7877 I agree with it being difficult finding someone who who can have a positive conversation with that won’t judge your loved one for what they got themselves into. Like you, I have a loved one who has a problem. And I’m not giving up on him. I see the gentle gem that he is deep down inside. He has unhealed trauma.
Hang in there Paula, prayer is super effective! and as much as I can clearly see you love your son, our Father in Heaven loves him even more, and also desires to see your son whole and healthy!
Some day he will have a powerful testimony that will change others too!
@@charliewhon6548Amen!🙌❤
Girl- you bring me hope and peace. You are making a DIFFERENCE in our lives. 💜💜💜
Awwww thanks Kelly!
Your video about the difference between boundaries, punishment, and natural really took out relationship to another level. Thank you for that.
Awwww thanks Jennifer, I'm so glad it was helpful. that makes my heart happy
Our road to recovery with my daughter has just begun. Prayers for our family.
Thanks Amber . This is really helpful . Noticing what I’m thinking and examining it to see if it is hopeful and helpful or despairing and hopeless makes a lot of sense. I really like the seed 🌱 planting imagery . I’m going to try to hold onto that and plant some “casual” seeds .
Wow. You are really a fresh breath of air. An educated person w not one pretentious bone in your body.
Love this channel ❤.
Thank you so much 🤗
Thank you so much for your videos Amber they make so much difference you are amazing
You're so welcome!
I have an addict adult daughter and an alcoholic adult son. Their father was an alcoholic. My youngest son is an angel. It’s so hard every day. The addicts abuse and use me
Be careful not to favor a child. Even if one is behaving a lot better. I can tell you from experience it’s very damaging sometimes even to the kid who is favored. Sorry for what you’re going through.
Thank you so much to be here for us🙏 You give me hope when I lessen to you I’m learning so much 💞🙏🙏🙏
thank you so much....I feel like your videos are answer to prayer for me...you are adorable...thanks again
Thank you so much for taking the time to leave such kind feedback! I'm so happy to know my videos are helping people.
I love your channel! Thank you, for sharing your wisdom and insight. You’re amazing! ❤️
Thank you so much!
I’m having these feelings still even though he is in recovery for a year. He quit cocaine on his own. I am so proud of him. I feel this is why he still has some addict mind/behavior. Some ways he handles things still seems like he is addicted. I know he is not he doesn’t isolate, gaining weight, working, etc. maybe I see this because of my fears and I am still being suspicious.
Oh my... you are so good at this... Thank you so much...
Awwww, thanks so much Marie!!!!
Excellent…thank you!
Thank you too!
The wisest thing anyone ever said to me when I was in the process of splitting from my husband / trying to make it work was, " Sarah, this has nothing to do with you. " at the time it was such a foreign concept. But it helped me let-go go in the end
Sara G wise words!
I am about to broke down. My 30 yr old son is relying on me for rent, car payment, auto insurance and blaming me for everything. I am very scared even thinking about him. I live in egg shell 24 hours.
Hi Heidi, I can see that you're being held hostage by his addiction. There are lots of good resources on this channel for how to get yourself in a better place!
Omg perfect for me today and everyday 💜🙏🏼😞
Yey! I love it when things sync up 😊
I have two sons one alcoholic, one heroin I leave for 20 years of hell they live with me. They don’t wanna leave. I tried to kick them up. They don’t wanna go they’re abusive. I am so tired so tired. I got no help. I don’t know what to do.
My alcaholic is now living in a boarding house,not working,drinking daily all day,if it wasnt for money he recieved from his dads inheritence,he would be in the streets.l still care about him and try and check on him.he gets the shakes very bad in the mornings and i know he should go to detox..not sure what to do.
Yep. Mine disappeared yesterday after he lied. Again. I give up. I literally cannot take anymore
I can see it helping me for sure and im thankful for this but ..my husband is in complete denial that he has any problem as he is a full force functioning alcoholic ...i also wonder what you think about narcissism and especially a vulnerable narcissist as i feel my husband has this issue and how that impacts addiction and shame and if it in any way will impede success on these approaches because of their persistant denial of any problem.
I'm angry...this is the second time@ I gave him. Another year down the drain. All my friends think I was stupid from the beginning. The "I told you so". I'm angry he ruined our nice relationship with all the lies and drug use. I feel lousy all the way @
heartbreaking 💔💔💔
I need you Amber.. how should you react when the person is convinced that he can control the using? Like not doing it for few weeks and then using again? This person usually have periods of 2-3 months of using than stops for 3-4 months and so on. The difference is that after this summer he didn't stopped, now he had for like 3 weeks but plans to do it again like once in a month max. But I feel like he doesn't understand that he can lose control of it because across the years he's doing more and more, less break periods and longer heavy using periods. How can I make him realize that he cannot control the periods and one day he could become a heavier addict? After this summer he totally changed personality.. a lot of people dont even recognize him anymore, he's cold, apathetic, emotionless, doesn't care about anyone in particular. How can I help him? How can I talk to him?
That's a great question. This is actually pretty typical of a person with a substances abuse problem in the earlier stages. They go through a lot of trial and error trying to learn how to "manage" the situation. There is not a way to make them skip this phase but there are some things you can do to speed it up. I call it bargaining. They're bargaining with themselves trying to keep the addiction in their life but reduce the damage.
What drug is he using?
hello friend
Good afternoon Gwin!
How can I find Lucas story?
Ellen Kahue hi Ellen, here’s the link to Lucas’ story ua-cam.com/video/IWMEnO5PIDY/v-deo.html
I feel like this advice works well for something like a child and a bad grade, but a full grown adult engaged in dangerous behavior? “It’s okay you drove drunk and almost killed someone… you’ll do better next time”, “It’s okay you stole all the money out of our bank account… you’ll do better next time”, “It’s okay you abused our child… you’ll do better next time.”
At the end of the day, the most important thing you can do when dealing with an addict is protecting yourself first and foremost. We’re talking about serious behavior with life changing consequences for those unfortunate enough to come into contact with the addict.
Why is it always the loved one's fault and job to fix/understand/deal with things and never ever the user's fault? When can they take responsibility? When is enough? 2 years 10 years? I've been so hopeful and helpful and now my life is also passing by.
Exactly.
Not only does it fall on us, but soon as we start making progress in helping our loved ones, the minute they step out in the world its in their face, everywhere, every nook & cranny, and a constant reminder, our country is in infected, I travel alot, it's in some desirable places nowhere safe. Don't really know what going on, I believe its a plot to kill off the American people, there's too many addicted too many dying, to think anything else.
The feeling that I want is inner peace, tears of joy, courageous, confident and happiness.
Amen to that!
Very interesting. Im very guilty of worrying all the time about him and beeing afraid he is too far gone. I will work on my mindset! Thank you!
Thanks for watching Millstreet and for taking the time to leave a comment!
This is awesome, thank you so much Amber, this really helps a lot ❤.
I also struggle to trust he will be able to stay sober and is the constant worry while making plans for the future because I am always worried about what if he relapsed again, if you can provide ideas with this issue will be so helpful.
This is an answered prayer, Amber you are an excellent and very generous therapist...I'm blessed to have found your channel.
It's very hard to try and find positivity and hope after 15 yrs of betrayal, lies and disappointment. I am just glad he's no longer in my house. That is one thing that keeps me moving! forward
I have always interacted with my son with respect, kindness and encouragement. It has not changed how he acted. No matter what I did or how many times I encouraged him he has not changed. I have heard the same response from every counsellor, or anyone trying to help: "You can't change other people." So yes, how you interact with someone is important, but in this video you are trying to say that what I do will change what he does. Not true. He must change what he does. It is important how we interact, but it is not on other people's shoulders.
Amber, you are so inspirational and have so much insight to offer. Thank you. I've been in such a dark place living with an addicted spouse. I am so aware of the negativity I feel and know I need to get a grip on that. What an emotional rollercoaster we find ourselves on.
Sending you positive thoughts, Sue!
Hi Amber, is it wrong to want to separate yourself completely from your loved one, after trying everything? I’m so tired. All my approaches and tactics have all been loving and respectful. It’s affected me so much that I had to quit my job bc my worrying interfered with my daily performance. I used to be a cheerful person, now I feel like Eeyore. Everyday is a gloomy day.
of course it is. You've got to take care of yourself. There definitely comes a time when you just can't do it anymore. Everyone has a limit!
I’m in the same boat, i dont even have any energy to fight with it anymore. Once i knew my addict bf relapse again after get out from rehab for a week. I cry like crazy , so painful to see someone u love keep doing drugs and drink , he even said he wanna kill himself. But i dont know what to do anymore. I tried so hard and give all mine for many years.
Amber, you are a Genius! I was feeling so hopeless today and your video has given me a bit of sunshine and perspective.
I'm so glad! 😁😁😁
I’m following you for a while, your channel is great! Thank you for everything... but this one video is really amazing... I’m going to watch it another 4 times. Thank you.
I feel angry and disparaging when my wife drinks and lies to me... I’m committed to replacing them with being loving and reassuring. Thank you for giving real help and a message of hope.
You are so welcome, Giovanni! Shifting to a place of love and hope, is not only going to help your wife, but it's going to help you as well. Don't let her addiction turn you into someone you don't want to be.
God bless you Amber and all the work you do ☺️❤️🙏🏽. I’m very thankful for your channel and videos. You provide valuable information as well as hope for those of us who are affected by a loved one’s addiction. Your videos get me through some dark and very difficult moments in my life. Continued blessing to you for shining such a powerful light!! 🙏🏽🙏🏽
You are so welcome
Amber, I have been trying to do this for the last 3 months, but he is so bad off the Gi Dr at the hospital told us that if he has 1 more drop of alcohol he will die. He is in rehab for a months now but it’s hard to tell him I know he is going to make it when there is such high stakes.
❤️️To learn more about SURVIVING YOUR LOVED ONE'S ADDICTION: 👉Watch this next: ua-cam.com/video/WDg98XCjons/v-deo.html
This is my issue thinking of and worrying about my AS and AD every single day practically all day long. I don’t know how to stop because they’re my children. 💔😭
I need to listen to this one every day. I see how I've been defeating myself ALL my life!
Casually hinting and making suggestions or "planting" ideas in someone's head is a nice sentiment. I cannot change someone else's behavior, that is a myth. It doesn't matter what I believe about the situation, it matters what THEY believe. I don't care how much money people pay you. I have been encouraging my son towards the other side for 15 years. It is better than being negative, but the other person is the one that needs to believe the encouraging statement. Obviously.
These videos are already helping me so much. Your calm non judge mental way of saying things puts my hurting heart at ease.
Thanks Lizz! I'm so glad these videos are helping you!
seems like I get on youtube, and there you are on my homepage with just the message I need to hear thank you so very much Amber.
That google algorithm must be haunting you! 👻👻👻
Thank you for sharing Amber.
You are so welcome!
I came across your videos yesterday while searching for the right approach to letting my 33 yr old son know that he can't live at home any longer. This time last year he was nearing the end of 4 months at a rehab in California, he returned home fpr his sister's wedding, returned to work , was going to meetings, had a sponsor for maybe 2 months. At the moment he is MIA for over 2 wks which is what happened to prompt the intervention last year...we have been dealing with this for way way too long....I am finding your videos extremely helpful. Somethings we have heard before but the way you present the information is like hearing it from a good friend, but a very experienced, knowledgeable friend. You are spot on the money with everything I have heard so far.
Awwwww Thanks Patricia! Knowing my videos are helping people is exactly what keeps me motivated to keep making them!
@@PutTheShovelDown I have been listening to you while I am doing my morning walk around the lake.....I'm addicted! BAD JOKE, sorry. Keep doing what you're doing, WE need people like you!
I’m still angry,tired.resentful.trust issues@@patriciageraghty4813
"What you want is feeling, not a thing" .... light bulb! ... now I'm doubting the light ...
That feels a lot like a "Fake it until you make it" mindset which sounds really inauthentic, almost like an induced denial (toxic positivity?) or living in an imposter mindset ... does that make sense?
How do we stay grounded and present in reality while working toward manifesting more of what we want?
Thank you for the vidoes! I am taking my time working through this one.
Current feeling: Anxiety. Worried about my husbands decisions with alcohol consumption and the potential for an argument and another ugly/ tension/ angry night.
Would rather feel: Peace, because I am still in control of my words and actions, completely separate from anything he does or doesn't do. I can choose my own emotional state by choosing my thoughts intentionally.
You've got great insight Jenna!
The feeling is betrayal…
Thank you Amber - This was VERY helpful!!!....identifying and taking hold of the "emotion" you desire in your "recovered" love one. Loved it! Mine is PEACE and WHOLENESS cuz its so hard to feel peace and whole - when a part of you (your child) is destroying themself! My strategy is " to surround myself with"...... SCRIPTURE (God's Truth from His Holy Word) ...to bring these emotions out and its the BEST! ...You did mention books - just thought I'd plug THE best one! :) ....and of course your UA-cam videos - keep up the good work!
So glad you found this video helpful Tamara! (P.S. Nice plug 😜)
❤I have been practicing this when I made my breakthrough realizing I was living in shame
I can’t believe that I’m just finding you!! I have learned through a book called power vs force to exchange one emotion for another. But when it comes to my alcoholic person, I have been completely confused because of so much data that says to watch them crash and burn. It has never felt right. So for years I have done my own version of doing something nice when they are sober. But I haven’t known any tools of helping him get motivated to stop drinking. I have gone through a lot of confusing ups and downs because of it. This is the first time that I am hearing something that makes sense. I just need to learn now and practice your approach. Is there a group? I got some of the books you recommend, joined the membership, visualizing an amazing outcome but I have a hard tim reading or listening to a book without some practice with some seasoned Craft people. Are there seasoned Crafters out there?
Hi, I hope I don't sound silly asking this but when you say "seasoned crafter" I assume you're talking about arts and crafts. These days they have a new saying for everything so I just wanted to double check 😅. If you are taking about arts and crafts then I'm your girl! I've been crafting for years! When I read your comment I knew I needed to reply. It helps knowing I'm not the only one who lives with an alcoholic. I just found this video about an hour ago. I have a husband who is an alcoholic but the problem is that I am so deeply in love with him and would do anything to protect him. Sounds crazy, I know. I guess that's what made me watch this video. I'm tired. I'm alone with this secret. I would rather cut people from my life to protect both of us from the embarrassment. I don't know anymore. I know something has to give. It's been 15 years now. Anyway, I saw your comment and realized right away that I'm really not the only one. Your comment really resonated with me. Thank you for that!
Walking out on her in the hospital was the hardest saddest thing I ever had to do in my life, I cried the whole way home I felt so sorry for her but at the same time had I folded she would have never looked at the severity of the damage she did to the relationship and the unborn baby she carries.
Amber, I must repeat myself, but you are blessing me tremendously with these. I wish these had been available 8 years ago, but still so very helpful as we’re not out of the woods yet, but seeing more sunshine. I learn with every one of these. Also, just watched the CRAFT explanation of how that approach is different.
Thanks Paula, your support is invaluable to me ! 💖
I am trying to figure out if giving my son the letter I just wrote with his packed bag is where I should leave it this time....trust he may do what I said to him in regards to his relapse and getting sober again....."don't beat yourself up, but pick yourself up and do it again....I have faith in you" I offered him my help with finding drs, treatment, etc. if he wanted it. Or do I do what I have done in the past and spend more time, energy, and money .....I am very curious to learn more about the Family Recovery Academy, the CRAFT method, motivational interviewing, etc. but I am tired of dealing with this for the last 13+ yrs.
I think the letter idea sounds like a pretty good plan. You can be kind, gentle, and empathetic but also allow him to feel the consequences of his decisions. It's okay to help him as long as he's also helping himself.
@@PutTheShovelDown I get it, letting him stay here while NOT doing anything to help himself is exactly what I can't live with anymore. Which is one of the things I mentioned in the letter. We gave him a good long chance to get a down payment for a condo together but instead he went back to his old friends and old ways, I wish I had encouraged him to stay out west. I am still contemplating making an appointment for a phone consultation....to talk through whether to give him his stuff and ask him to leave... when he surfaces and leave the rest to him and to God. Which is what I want to do as I have many other things I want to focus on. Or if I should continue trying to facilitate change by learning more about your program.
Thanks so much for all your help! I am trying super hard to stop this cycle of negativity & just depressing feelings from another’s addiction! I don’t understand how it affects my emotions so intensely! It’s draining me! Thanks so much I am in it to win it!! 🙌❤️🙏
HUGE HELP TONIGHT! THANKS!
Thank you so much ❤
You're welcome 😊
“Believing as if” is a term that my son’s therapist uses to coach him in sobriety. So many of the same techniques that those with SUD apply are appropriate for their loved ones, because we are in recovery as well.
That's absolutely right!!!!
Think of dried up leaves in the fall or tumbleweeds on the Texas plains. Random, suddenly appearing thoughts about alcohol are like the dried leaves. The wind may blow and bring the dried leaves to your garden. But the leaves don't have to stay there. Another gust of wind may make them disappear. Don't encourage those thoughts of craving alcohol to stay in your brain . That encouragement is just as silly as using glue to attach the dead leaves more firmly to your garden.
That's a beautiful analogy!
This could apply to the work place as well.
Could you do a video dealing with addicted personalities in the work place.
What if you just had enough and want out so bad. I'm just done.
Hi tamcif, It's okay to protect yourself. Sometimes you just have to walk away. Here's a video I made on that very topic: ua-cam.com/video/loWOZP1Tig0/v-deo.html
Thank you so much for this videos and especially your channel it is totally helping me deal with this tough time with my loved one
Thanks Claire, I really needed to hear some positive feedback today. Knowing these videos help people is what keeps me motivated to continue making them.
it’s hard when you have a child & you think about how it will impact them instead of you. But this really helped clear some thoughts out, thank you so much. I just started watching your videos and hopefully I can start implementing them and see some sort of change.
Hi Jaci. Welcome to our little community. So glad you're here 😀
Came back to listen to this again. I have all those feelings you expressed. Tonight is not a good night.
💗💗💗
Romans 4:17 ,,, Call things that are not as though they are
My biggest fear is losing him and having to start over and I hate when people are angry with me, I am trying so hard to take care of myself it is taking me a lot of time
Hi Jackie, Sounds like that fear is holding you hostage.
I just want to thank you for your channel. I just found you today. I asked God to please send me a channel to help me with this exact issue. I am in deep you are describing a lot of my emotions and feelings. I have been trying to deal with all this why to long. I just want to give up!
Hi Kathryne! Welcome to our little community. So glad you found us.
Thank you 🙏🏼
will share my recent bad. Asked grandma if she was sending money. I was checking up on my son cause I had asked him not to hit grandma anymore about money. Well, next time son called grandma, guess what. He asked grandma if she and I had talked recently. And then asked what we talked about. ugh. Grandma told on me. Son calls me mad as a wet hen. I don't trust him. I this I that. Yep. next thing ya know we are going down that push my buttons yelling etc. Boundaries are not my best huh. From my way of thinking I was trying to see if he was being honest. After so many years of not being honest, how am I to know if he is blowing smoke if I don't ask someone? I just don't know Amber. I am 64 he is 46, this has been going on since his teens. Well, I don't even know if I should send him a bit of money while in jail again. So there ya go.
You're letting him put you on the defensive. Asking grandma about the money wasn't wrong, but sneaking around to do it is. Here's a tip that might help. If you're going to snoop, ask questions, check references, etc... , just own it! It's completely fine to say, "I don't trust you. I will probably check up on things to make sure I'm getting the whole story". You're allowing him make you feel guilty for not trusting him. You'd be crazy if you did trust him after all the lies. When you sneak around to check up on things, it sends the signal that you're doing something wrong. You feel guilty for going behind his back, and he can use that against you. Next time, just tell him up front that you are going to do it. For example... I don't really recommend that parents go through their kids phone or room, but I tell them that if they are going to do it... Tell them upfront. Tell them that you'll be going through their phone and room on occasion. Then, when you get ready to do it. Let them know you're doing it, they can stand at the door and watch if they want.. Bring everything on the up and up. Hope that all makes sense.
@@PutTheShovelDown Hey Amber. thanks for your reply. Guilty of feeling guilty. For sure. As for me not trusting him well of course not. And have told him so many times. And sometimes I even do tell him will be checking on this or that. Cause he makes up stories about things I was supposed to have done and will mention who else was there. When I check, no never happen. Like I am old and just can't remember anything. Gaslighting I think is the term for that behavior. He comes back with nope not a liar or a thief. So what do you do with that?
How can they get better on they’re own. I had the understanding that if they don’t deal with making amends with the all the hurt that’s been involved with they’re addiction. A dry drunk ???
It's true, some people get sober without dealing with all that and remain in a "dry" state. Others find a way to work through those things in various ways. They may figure out how to make things right in their relationships without a formal plan. Some go to 12 step without ever going to treatment. Some get recovery through church, and there's also a concept known as spontaneous recovery. I think it's important for us to remember that people get recovery in lots of ways.
Put The Shovel Down thank you for your reply.
thank you so much for this video! Exactly what I needed to hear right now
Yey, I'm so happy this video was helpful!
@@PutTheShovelDown 2000%
Shame everyone thinks im a horrible mother. Sorry, I think everyone thinks that, bit not that many people do. Some judge in think it really comes from being disappointed in myself for multiple reasons and a complete failure towards my child. I want to feel I didn't. I know I didn't but it feels Iike I did. This is a complete mess. My daughter is doing well in treatment and I feel scared. I want to feel she's as secure as she appears.
In our office, we see young people who come from great families every single day. It's clearly obvious to us that the parents didn't cause the problem. In fact, one of my counselors (Campbell) had two sons struggle with addictions and I know for a fact, she was an excellent mother.
Excellent advice and knowledge. It makes sense. And I am thankful uve shared this gift, to control our thinking. I will work on this thought process. Ur super helpful & sincere.., ty!
Thanks so much for the nice feedback, Amy! I'm so happy that you found my video helpful.
Im new here, thank you for your videos as its so hard to navigates these type of experiences 😔
Hi Junelar 👋🏻 Welcome to our little community. We're glad you're here 💖
I do know that talking to them as if they aren’t really having a problem or they are having a problem but your not going to draw a lot of attention to it does work. I have seen other people use this technique with my child and things change pretty quickly. Plus I can FEEL the difference between the demeanor of the teacher and myself.
😊
❤thank you!
I am the only person in her family that still speaks to her. How do I let her go? I want to feel peace again. I’m sick of this anxiety.
Sounds like you feel even more pressure to keep with her because everyone else has backed away.
Walls are coming down quickly! It's amazing, thank you!
You bet!
a bit like waiting in positive anticipation of good things, connects with our self esteem, I agree one more skill to keep going and enjoying the present it reminds me of my faith, but lovely to seeing it being dovetailed into counselling, wonderful ! Simone
Love that!
I am trying to figure out how to help my sister who is an alcoholic but thinks she can get sober without going to rehab or AAA. Yesterday she was at her children’s school drunk. They called the police and she blew a BAC OF. 35. She said she can no longer tell when she is drunk.
Her exhusband is going to seek emergency full custody of their children.
Alcoholism runs on our family as well as severe mental illness.
How do I help her?
It was just like that. I felt on a "hamster wheel going nowhere". And I was working hard at it. Thanks. It is the first time I heard it described. For sure I was codependent. Probably still am. But the person you are with makes all the difference. I do not have to work so hard at life anymore.
I think this is one of your best videos. I saved this to listen to it over and over again to remind me and not let my old negative thinking interfere with my happiness.
😁😁😁😁
we dont get what we want but we get who we are. Wow!!
Your awesome!!! I appreciate, everything u share. Thank you.
You rock!
If they have the drug they don’t need nothing more? That's how it makes me feel. That I should get out of the way and let him do what he want.
I ask myself a trillion times, how does this happen? Carelessness? Loneliness?
I think I'm failing to connect with people again. I have been out for a year and was in four and a half years. Lots of great places to start in my life. How can I help love ones with addiction into the recovery path I am without slipping back into addiction? Thank you!
Thank you so much for your videos. They are SO helpful
My pleasure!
He came different but already he is fighting with me there is a child involved he said is my fault they don’t let him see the baby
You are a smart cookine and I really like you! Your content is by far the best out there! I'm thinking we might collaborate!
This was great. I have been practicing manifestation and this helped to clarify it more. So many people have said it worked for them. Lots of insightful information.
I’m
Going to go with goodbye loved one. Your on your own. ❤😢❤
Amber I need help my son decided he was going for 7 day detox he stay5
This video helped me so much. Thank you!
I'm so glad it helped you!
I liked this a lot! You’re good!
Thank you so much!
Thank you!
You're most welcome, Lori!
thank you xx
Thank you for watching!!!
bless your heart :)
love this!
Hi Kelly!!!
Peace!
✌️ back at ya!
love this!