💜 Please be aware of scammers impersonating Tim or the Tim Fletcher team! We do not provide any phone numbers in the comments and Tim does not chat privately with viewers. We will never ask you to join us on a messaging app. When in doubt, reach out to us via our website at timfletcher.ca. Stay safe and scam-aware. With Love, The Tim Fletcher Team.
In my 60s. Just starting ANOTHER therapy after failing at all the other attempts 🙏
13 днів тому+1
@victoriakates7834 keep going. You are worth the effort, and you always were. The next attempt just might be the one that works, and if you're watching Tim Fletcher, you're already on a great path of healing. May God bless you with peace and comfort.
As a child and teen I was invisible. As a young adult I started needing external validation and rebelled, then people pleaser trying to prove myself in everything I do. I can see it in myself now. Now I am trying to consciously make sure what I do is REALLY what I want, not what would make others like me more.
I grew up being told to not be too funny or too clever, I wasn't allowed to win at board games, I was made to feel bad for doing well at school - all because of how it would make others feel. Be quiet, be average, don't excel, don't be who you are. Since my father died, I have healed my relationship with my mother and we can now talk openly about what happened
I definitely relate to this, I didn't get the validation when younger because my mother didn't want me to get complacent - it had the opposite effect and I've spent my life doing things for others and people pleasing. It kept me stuck in a destructive relationship for 12 years where I tolerated terrible behaviour as long as I got some sort of approval. I'm almost hyper aware of others emotional state and have to fight hard again the desire to please them to make others feel better about themselves. Wow it's hard sometimes but I remind myself not to give in and do what is best for me
When you start to care and have love for yourself, you start to say no and set boundaries. It's how I feel about myself that matters, so I ask myself, what do you want, need, like to have? Feelings are important, so I like to feel good about me and be a friend to myself. The reason I do this is that I had an empty feeling and was waiting for others to care about me. 😂
My younger brother was diagnosed with autism when we were both kids and our parents went overboard on making sure his needs were met and that I was more self reliant. It also didn’t help that I was viciously bullied and harassed at school. I learned very quickly where I fell on the spectrum of things: nowhere at all. There’s some days I’m still convinced I can fall into a hole in the middle of a crowded hallway and nobody will notice or even care.
Thank you for your time and patience and faithfulness, for sharing your knowledge andwisdom. Please! Your gift is more important than what people realise. Please! Show your written prompts for just a little longer.
That hit me again. In a good way. I am at my core. Crying out and healing my shame. I am still invisible, I still feel unseen, but I know what I can change now, what was a "big nothing" ever before. Able to change my direction, and at least to come in motion. Feels weird now, but it also feels right.
It wasn't them not meeting my emotional needs. They crushed my emotions and damaged them for life. They told me how worthless I was. That happened when they were taking a break from physically abusing me.
I understand. I was physically, emotionally and sexually abused. I was told I was lazy, if I had a brain it would be lonesome and that I was good for nothing.
It is so exhausting living with a spouse who is like this. Moreover, it can be revolting to see the performance extended to people outside of the family when we know the true colors.
This is me…like an empty pit internally that never goes away. No matter how much I achieve or good feedback I get it never lasts long. Approval seeking, doll, abuse, trauma nd low self esteem 😢 only validation through achievement and all in to one thing
Do you have a book for everything on your channel? I feel like all this is valuable info for a lifetime. I already had some ideas, but it has been hard to write down for my future self and others. If there is already a book on various types of trauma, I would buy it to keep so that I have a constant reminder to break the cycle (by being concsious of my own actions) for the people around me and future generations.
Hello I'm in aw of the truths revealed here. Its so sad that people are unaware of the the problems and where there from and how to navigate and regulate there emotions. Many have been robbed of life and peace. Thanks for your work its priceless. I'm educating myself hopefully to help my loved ones who have suffered because of ignorance. God bless
I am still re-learning the definition of shame. It is stuck in my head as ‘ shame on you’ or ‘ you should be ashamed of yourself’. So by my definition, it means I should feel bad. If you ask me right now the correct definition of shame, I would be slow to answer. But I think I’m learning that it means we feel bad about ourselves overall. Low self-esteem low self-worth? It’s hard to change the definition of a term after 50 years. And for the past couple years, I’ve been reminding myself that it is not as I know it, so it’s embedded pretty deeply.
Ty for saying it takes u a long time to re-learn it ur head. It’s refreshing to know others are still trying to re program their mindsets. In my experience shame is something that’s been instilled into us. Shame is something that’s dirty, u feel like u did something wrong. Growing up Catholic and being molested we learned what shame felt like.
That’s what I heard all My life. Shame on you! I wasn’t allowed to love my Dad. My mom turned all the siblings against Dad and I was blacksheeped. I have been a loner, no attachment to a husband. Been married & divorced 4 times.
I have done so so much… sacrificed so much… Changed so much… Because I am fundamentally unloveable but if I do with those things maybe someone will love me a little. I know this is wrong… I just don’t believe it. Thank you for posting this!
It's an eye-opener! But it's so dam hard to get out of this pattern. Shame and the fear to be a burden and not enough was a part of my life and is still there. But knowing the reason why will help me to get out of it. Thank you for the video!
Around 10:35 well described. In my experience the reason for attention was to feel real. I was chronically dissociated and lost in fantasy. All I felt was that I existed in my world, and another sliver of me existed in theirs - very much like a doll yes. When that doll was admired and then destroyed, it left me trapped inside this fantasy reality that I’m still in. The feeling of invisibility is more frightening than many will realise because without a tether to other humans, do you really exist? Is anything real? It was as though something scarier than death would hurt me, and no one knew.
I did very much the same thing when I was a kid. As an adult, the invalidation became so great that I felt invisible. Do the things that make you happy and that take your interest, no matter what anyone says about it. You are valid!
Thank you for what you do. I really enjoy your videos.Every day I learn something new about why I behave the way I do. I have a lot of knowledge of why I am the way I am.The harder part now is going to be what to do and how to do it in order to fix things.Greetings from Poland.Have a nice day ❤️
This is me to T. I wish I’d known this 50 years ago. My parents were those who thought if they praised us, we would become too full of pride. I would sometimes find out that they praised us to others, but not to our face. Consequently, I can’t even get my own approval, much less accept that of others.
I feel as if I would cry my soul out if anyone touch these wounds. I avoid relationships cause I am afraid I wouldnt be enaugh for him and I am not beautiful enaugh for him. I wish someone told me that I am worthy of love and that I am beautiful. But I was constantly avoided and ignored. Even when i was youngest my cute older sisters got all attention and I was used for my obedience.
Omg I had attention seeking validation bad. It was terrible that I would talk to strangers. And they would try and get rid of me. And some were even mean and shouted at me or hit me. I got so used to negatives attention. And split and get angry if people were nice to me. I was not used to that that it didn't feel comfortable with me. I had ADHD and bpd and histrionic personality disorder traits. I had a lot of unnecessary drama. Until I had a narcissistic collapse and had to learn to get validation from myself. I have worked on my confidence and feel better.
Please make a video about hate. I literally hate everyone even if they did nothing to me. I know it's fear/defensiveness but I'd like a deeper dive into it
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂I'm laughing because I came here to write this!!!😂😂😂😂I thought I was the only one😂😂😂😂😂it's funny because its true. The struggle is real. People suck. I want to love and be loved but people suck.🫤
My hatred of people comes from my anger. Invalidated anger can become a shame component too. I have learned to accept that my angry feelings have nothing to do with other people, and learned to grant myself compassion for feeling invalidated. People do suck, but they suck because of THEIR shame. When you grasp how your own shame is just interacting with others shame, the anger and hatred just evaporates. Learning to let go is truly life changing.
@Ali76564 my mom (still) works as an administrator in a sort of... government department; operations and management sort of stuff. My family of origin most definitely has the white picket fence exterior. Anything that might threaten that image was quickly and silently eliminated, never to be discussed again. I didn't realize I had been taught to be ashamed of my mental health concerns and to hide them, because they would have signaled to the outside world that something was very wrong. I didn't find out my sister had used needles until well into her recovery. Didn't know my dad was receiving cancer treatments and had an organ removed!! I had a MIL figure tell me about that one, she had asked how I was handling it, not having any clue that I didn't know, that she was informing me right then that my dad had cancer. I about fell over. The therapist I was seeing at the time fed into the gaslight, accused me of "feeling entitled to parents medical records" (which I thought was very strange at the time but now I understand why, it's a pattern that does exist; I honestly thought the idea was gross, TMI regarding parents! lol) because I felt like I had been excluded/prevented from being able to be emotionally supportive, or even practically supportive, during his cancer treatments. I could have been there for him during radiation or the surgery recovery, as any adult (I was 21) would want to help anyone they care about, especially a family member, who has to endure an illness like that. The therapist thought I wanted some sort of control or power over how he handled himself medically; uhhhh no? Something like cancer is *sort of* a big deal, and I was hurt. My younger siblings knew, why wasn't I allowed to know until it was done? Did they think I would be a bother? It took another decade but I figured out that my mom is wildly sick and my dad was basically bulldozed by her. He passed away a decade ago, believing the *absolute lie* that he might be a "burden." The fact that I was sent a goodbye message wasn't ever discussed with my siblings nor mother. She knew not to get an autopsy done, and cited religious reasons. I didn't put those pieces together until years later, I was steeped in denial. People want to believe that it doesn't include their neighbors. It absolutely does.
A lot of work. We are worth it though. Self love self care self nurture and the list goes on. Self awareness. OMG more. I felt unwanted. I am a work in progress. God/Creator is important too. You are worth the effort
I was the scapegoat but also the beautiful one. If i did anything at all I would get in punished. If i did literally nothing but stay in my room i was somewhat safe. Otherwise all blame and bullying would go to me.- BUT my parents really loved taking all the credit if peope admired my beauty or complimented my looks. Its like in public " look how pretty my child is" but behind close doors it was "you think youre better than me.I'll show you." Started at 5 years old. I started isolating at a young age to protect myself. Now I'm trying to overcome my addiction to being hermit. Ive grown too comfortable in isolation that socializing causes intense anxiety. I really am comfortable never leaving my home...idk how to overcome it without anxiety meds and even then medicines only do so much.
I was always ridiculously bad at sports. Not to mention the bullying and shameful situations attached to it. I remember thinking "don't mess it up" in the football pitch, instead of relaxing and enjoying with friends. It was a torture as a kid. The last time I played soccer was in the year 2000, I was 18. It also unnecessary to mention I never played shit with my father, nor I had brothers or cousins my age to develop social and physical skills.
How does one eat an elephant? One bite at a time. How does one escape a long dark tunnel? One foot in front of the other. You got this, just give yourself the compassionate freedom to go at your own pace. It may feel like one step forward and two back, there will be pauses, but it is a journey worth making. I have been at this for 5 years, and I look at what I was before, and I don’t recognize that person anymore. You can get there too. Best wishes, fellow traveler!
It took my mom 27 years of my drawing like my life depended on it (it did) to even acknowledge to my face that I have any such skill or talent. Before that it was just a trophy she could show off without having earned and still claim all the credit for.
alcoholic parents, one in depression, the other condescending and abusive verbally (would have been physically as well if I wasn't protected by the other parent). Both violent to each other and others on a daily basis. Both abusive to me when drunk together. I wasn't allowed speech, emotions, a space as a child. I existed to pick up the mess and take care of their emotional and physical wounds after each fight. By age 4, I didn't sleep until I was sure their cigarettes were out, the stove was turned off, the doors were locked, there nothing around them that could hurt them if they fall, the water taps are off, the broken glass, furniture etc is out of the way to the bathroom or their bedroom, I'd clear a path. I'd turn some lights off.... and then I'd go back to my room. The next day, I'd be cleaning and telling them what they did as they would ask me, they didn't remember much. They would both find the story amusing while they were getting drunk again. I hardly went to school. When I did, I was bullied because I didn't relate to the other kids' reality. I didn't care to play, I was sad a lot. I was mostly very worried of what was happening at home in my absence and of what I would find when I return. This was my life until I left at 9 years old. Today, I'm a loner. I don't care about being with anyone. I've wanted love and approval in past relationships. I was the one giving and rarely receiving because I never learned it, probably. I'm not interested in building a deeper relationship anymore. I've learned about who I am, I've learned to set healthy boundaries. It took years to identify likes/dislikes/wants/to triage which fears were my own and not my parents. I lost my parents twice, first to alcoholism and their own trauma, second when they passed away. What saved me, I think, is that I left at a young age, which allowed me to understand that home life wasn't normal. Today, I'm considered confident by my friends and colleagues. I'm self-sufficient. I value peace more than human interaction. I socialize on my terms other than for necessity (work). I have value and recognition as a reputable and established medical professional. Although I don't hang on to the title and recognition alone to identify. I know I'm caring, wholesome, at peace with who I am as a nurturing woman. I have nothing to prove because I'm a gentle soul regardless of achievements. I take pride in the manner with which my hypervigilance serves to detect the unspoken from my patients and try to help them. Music and nature are my escape. Long term friendships serve my needs for posit feedback and trust. I have forgiven those who were creating chaos and pain. I don't excuse their behavior, I just understand they didn't understand their own issues, they didn't get the love they needed either. We're here to learn lessons. Some take a lifetime. Take care of yourselves. ❤️
You sound like the kind of person everyone needs to become. You are living the change you want to see in the world. May you be blessed for all the positive energy you bring to those who know you!
I am a broken beaten adult because there isn't anything i wouldn't do for attention at my own peril. Jump of house roofs slap bulls, trees, Evil Knievel kinda kid. But hey it got the attention and the bullies thought i was crazy so gained respect that way, got bullied less. Hahaha. 51 now and life isn't that fun. Isolated and jack of all trades master of one.
Sadly it just increased the contempt. Every action I made for connection would make my mum hate me even more. I think I actually have NPD, predominantly vulnerable, because of this.
I remember my alcoholic father discussing with a friend I didn't know shit about computers. That I was a dumb. I was only 10 learning to use DOS. From that moment on I knew I couldn't count on him. That I was a burden.
Hilarious, full-on 4D chess mode: this is meta-meta retro-causality, self-referential uno reverse card, double false flag-meta stacked on meta, the ultimate “What am I?” riddle, only to get back, “Exactly.”
@@Ganeden_Y not rly makes u the most obvious target…most ppl nvr think of what that person has to live up too, or how they rly feel. Ppl only feel like they must be lucky and they have no prob. N they must have it all. When in all actuality, they are just the ones who have worked hardest or were born and are doing what God wanted them to do, and what expectations they have been held too.
Great explanation, Tim 👌 I know so many unhealed people in my life. To me, it is very hard to raise healthy children❣️ I think we have like 85% toxic people and only 15% healthy. What's your opinion about this?
But they dictated so much that it wasn't like they were doing good and successful in their life they were trapped in their own codependency of each other and the drugs but they were a family unit but it was on their own terms I don't mean to say there it was my mom's 1:15
I was put in my place when I felt good about something I did and was proud of. Didn't want praise to go to my head. The company was more important than us kids. Criticized and never did anything good enough. Needed to be proper, anything out of the box was a rebel, aka black sheep ( the only one telling the truth)!
The same parents get jobs and they traumatize people in the workplace because they feel better the authorities of society and you get ridden ridden about your personal life and are not allowed to keep it private. It doesn't matter it's against federal law to make someone uncomfortable in a small town especially then they'll lose all their employees cuz that's the norm, especially if you're a woman their age then they'll shame you with aspirational shame for any dreams you have and of course your life isn't as wonderful as theirs because you aren't married long-term and you have to keep it secret how happy you are why you listen to them vent which is the work and work
💜 Please be aware of scammers impersonating Tim or the Tim Fletcher team! We do not provide any phone numbers in the comments and Tim does not chat privately with viewers. We will never ask you to join us on a messaging app. When in doubt, reach out to us via our website at timfletcher.ca. Stay safe and scam-aware. With Love, The Tim Fletcher Team.
@@TimFletcher 🙏🏽💯😀🙏🏽
This crippled me throughout my life. Healing from it now. Prayers to those who are healing, too.
I am on my way too - lets keep moving!
@@skjelm6363 Completely crippled me too. And on my way too (three).
Same to you. This is extra effort most folks don’t experience.
In my 60s. Just starting ANOTHER therapy after failing at all the other attempts 🙏
@victoriakates7834 keep going. You are worth the effort, and you always were. The next attempt just might be the one that works, and if you're watching Tim Fletcher, you're already on a great path of healing. May God bless you with peace and comfort.
As a child and teen I was invisible. As a young adult I started needing external validation and rebelled, then people pleaser trying to prove myself in everything I do. I can see it in myself now. Now I am trying to consciously make sure what I do is REALLY what I want, not what would make others like me more.
I grew up being told to not be too funny or too clever, I wasn't allowed to win at board games, I was made to feel bad for doing well at school - all because of how it would make others feel. Be quiet, be average, don't excel, don't be who you are. Since my father died, I have healed my relationship with my mother and we can now talk openly about what happened
The youngest parts of us and our nervous systems continue seeking regulation via what they didn't get when they needed it.
@@hearttalkscoach exactly
Strangers can see your real potencial. Family only see flaws.
I definitely relate to this, I didn't get the validation when younger because my mother didn't want me to get complacent - it had the opposite effect and I've spent my life doing things for others and people pleasing. It kept me stuck in a destructive relationship for 12 years where I tolerated terrible behaviour as long as I got some sort of approval. I'm almost hyper aware of others emotional state and have to fight hard again the desire to please them to make others feel better about themselves. Wow it's hard sometimes but I remind myself not to give in and do what is best for me
When you start to care and have love for yourself, you start to say no and set boundaries. It's how I feel about myself that matters, so I ask myself, what do you want, need, like to have? Feelings are important, so I like to feel good about me and be a friend to myself. The reason I do this is that I had an empty feeling and was waiting for others to care about me. 😂
❤❤❤ true
My younger brother was diagnosed with autism when we were both kids and our parents went overboard on making sure his needs were met and that I was more self reliant. It also didn’t help that I was viciously bullied and harassed at school.
I learned very quickly where I fell on the spectrum of things: nowhere at all. There’s some days I’m still convinced I can fall into a hole in the middle of a crowded hallway and nobody will notice or even care.
hopefully 🤞 you will heal soon ♥️♥️
Thank you for your time and patience and faithfulness, for sharing your knowledge andwisdom. Please! Your gift is more important than what people realise. Please! Show your written prompts for just a little longer.
People pleaser.
That hit me again. In a good way. I am at my core. Crying out and healing my shame. I am still invisible, I still feel unseen, but I know what I can change now, what was a "big nothing" ever before. Able to change my direction, and at least to come in motion. Feels weird now, but it also feels right.
It wasn't them not meeting my emotional needs. They crushed my emotions and damaged them for life. They told me how worthless I was. That happened when they were taking a break from physically abusing me.
I understand. I was physically, emotionally and sexually abused. I was told I was lazy, if I had a brain it would be lonesome and that I was good for nothing.
@@michaelmckenna9022 i totally understand that
You're not alone. This is me, too.
@@elizabethy2912I'm so sorry this happened to you, too.
I’m sorry for you all and for all of us. I hope you’ll be able to get over it.
It is so exhausting living with a spouse who is like this. Moreover, it can be revolting to see the performance extended to people outside of the family when we know the true colors.
This is me…like an empty pit internally that never goes away. No matter how much I achieve or good feedback I get it never lasts long. Approval seeking, doll, abuse, trauma nd low self esteem 😢 only validation through achievement and all in to one thing
Do you have a book for everything on your channel? I feel like all this is valuable info for a lifetime. I already had some ideas, but it has been hard to write down for my future self and others. If there is already a book on various types of trauma, I would buy it to keep so that I have a constant reminder to break the cycle (by being concsious of my own actions) for the people around me and future generations.
@@xjjfjfdjdh9993bbhhhh5hjjjjd
From Surviving to thriving by Pete Walker. Others: Alice Miller, Bessel van der Kolk, Pete Levine, Gabor Mate, Porges...
Hello I'm in aw of the truths revealed here. Its so sad that people are unaware of the the problems and where there from and how to navigate and regulate there emotions. Many have been robbed of life and peace. Thanks for your work its priceless. I'm educating myself hopefully to help my loved ones who have suffered because of ignorance. God bless
I am still re-learning the definition of shame. It is stuck in my head as ‘ shame on you’ or ‘ you should be ashamed of yourself’. So by my definition, it means I should feel bad. If you ask me right now the correct definition of shame, I would be slow to answer. But I think I’m learning that it means we feel bad about ourselves overall. Low self-esteem low self-worth? It’s hard to change the definition of a term after 50 years. And for the past couple years, I’ve been reminding myself that it is not as I know it, so it’s embedded pretty deeply.
Ty for saying it takes u a long time to re-learn it ur head. It’s refreshing to know others are still trying to re program their mindsets. In my experience shame is something that’s been instilled into us. Shame is something that’s dirty, u feel like u did something wrong. Growing up Catholic and being molested we learned what shame felt like.
@@angierox6964 I pray for you to heal as well as me and everyone who is trying
That’s what I heard all
My life. Shame on you! I wasn’t allowed to love my Dad. My mom turned all the siblings against Dad and I was blacksheeped. I have been a loner, no attachment to a husband. Been married & divorced 4 times.
@@Southerngrl exactly!
@@Salseeco thank you so much! I'm much better than I used to be. Sending prayers back to you!
I have done so so much… sacrificed so much… Changed so much… Because I am fundamentally unloveable but if I do with those things maybe someone will love me a little. I know this is wrong… I just don’t believe it. Thank you for posting this!
I feel actual physically hurt listening to this.
@@happygucci5094 same
❤
Valuable content received with infinite gratitude.
It's an eye-opener! But it's so dam hard to get out of this pattern. Shame and the fear to be a burden and not enough was a part of my life and is still there. But knowing the reason why will help me to get out of it. Thank you for the video!
Around 10:35 well described. In my experience the reason for attention was to feel real. I was chronically dissociated and lost in fantasy. All I felt was that I existed in my world, and another sliver of me existed in theirs - very much like a doll yes. When that doll was admired and then destroyed, it left me trapped inside this fantasy reality that I’m still in. The feeling of invisibility is more frightening than many will realise because without a tether to other humans, do you really exist? Is anything real? It was as though something scarier than death would hurt me, and no one knew.
I did very much the same thing when I was a kid.
As an adult, the invalidation became so great that I felt invisible.
Do the things that make you happy and that take your interest, no matter what anyone says about it.
You are valid!
Blessings from Sweden 🇸🇪
This is so accurate
Thank you for what you do. I really enjoy your videos.Every day I learn something new about why I behave the way I do. I have a lot of knowledge of why I am the way I am.The harder part now is going to be what to do and how to do it in order to fix things.Greetings from Poland.Have a nice day ❤️
This is me to T. I wish I’d known this 50 years ago. My parents were those who thought if they praised us, we would become too full of pride. I would sometimes find out that they praised us to others, but not to our face. Consequently, I can’t even get my own approval, much less accept that of others.
My dad’s alcoholism mom’s depression were the focus of
I hope you will all heal ❤❤❤❤❤❤
I was invisible as a child. I still feel invisible and it’s very painful.
Doesn't help too when you get involved romantically with the wrong person and they're porn addicts lol good riddance for me that he's an ex now
I’m sure someone sees u.. I try to see the ppl nobody else does. I’m sry ur made to feel this way. ❤
I feel as if I would cry my soul out if anyone touch these wounds. I avoid relationships cause I am afraid I wouldnt be enaugh for him and I am not beautiful enaugh for him. I wish someone told me that I am worthy of love and that I am beautiful. But I was constantly avoided and ignored. Even when i was youngest my cute older sisters got all attention and I was used for my obedience.
@@64jwui82j2jeudk ♥️x
Always good info from you.
Omg I had attention seeking validation bad. It was terrible that I would talk to strangers. And they would try and get rid of me. And some were even mean and shouted at me or hit me. I got so used to negatives attention. And split and get angry if people were nice to me. I was not used to that that it didn't feel comfortable with me. I had ADHD and bpd and histrionic personality disorder traits. I had a lot of unnecessary drama. Until I had a narcissistic collapse and had to learn to get validation from myself. I have worked on my confidence and feel better.
Please make a video about hate. I literally hate everyone even if they did nothing to me. I know it's fear/defensiveness but I'd like a deeper dive into it
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂I'm laughing because I came here to write this!!!😂😂😂😂I thought I was the only one😂😂😂😂😂it's funny because its true.
The struggle is real. People suck. I want to love and be loved but people suck.🫤
My hatred of people comes from my anger. Invalidated anger can become a shame component too. I have learned to accept that my angry feelings have nothing to do with other people, and learned to grant myself compassion for feeling invalidated. People do suck, but they suck because of THEIR shame. When you grasp how your own shame is just interacting with others shame, the anger and hatred just evaporates. Learning to let go is truly life changing.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
Oh yeah. My parents would poke fun at me if I ever answered a (loaded) question with confidence. 😐
People are so sick some even though they look normal
@Ali76564 my mom (still) works as an administrator in a sort of... government department; operations and management sort of stuff. My family of origin most definitely has the white picket fence exterior. Anything that might threaten that image was quickly and silently eliminated, never to be discussed again.
I didn't realize I had been taught to be ashamed of my mental health concerns and to hide them, because they would have signaled to the outside world that something was very wrong. I didn't find out my sister had used needles until well into her recovery. Didn't know my dad was receiving cancer treatments and had an organ removed!! I had a MIL figure tell me about that one, she had asked how I was handling it, not having any clue that I didn't know, that she was informing me right then that my dad had cancer. I about fell over.
The therapist I was seeing at the time fed into the gaslight, accused me of "feeling entitled to parents medical records" (which I thought was very strange at the time but now I understand why, it's a pattern that does exist; I honestly thought the idea was gross, TMI regarding parents! lol) because I felt like I had been excluded/prevented from being able to be emotionally supportive, or even practically supportive, during his cancer treatments. I could have been there for him during radiation or the surgery recovery, as any adult (I was 21) would want to help anyone they care about, especially a family member, who has to endure an illness like that. The therapist thought I wanted some sort of control or power over how he handled himself medically; uhhhh no? Something like cancer is *sort of* a big deal, and I was hurt. My younger siblings knew, why wasn't I allowed to know until it was done? Did they think I would be a bother?
It took another decade but I figured out that my mom is wildly sick and my dad was basically bulldozed by her. He passed away a decade ago, believing the *absolute lie* that he might be a "burden." The fact that I was sent a goodbye message wasn't ever discussed with my siblings nor mother. She knew not to get an autopsy done, and cited religious reasons. I didn't put those pieces together until years later, I was steeped in denial.
People want to believe that it doesn't include their neighbors. It absolutely does.
Good one Tim! love, Rob from Conroe
I go from thinking 'this is definitely me' to thinking... 'doesn't everyone feel like this so does it really need to be addressed?'
So what are we supposed to do about our excessive need for validation
A lot of work. We are worth it though. Self love self care self nurture and the list goes on. Self awareness. OMG more. I felt unwanted. I am a work in progress. God/Creator is important too. You are worth the effort
Dang! This sounds like me as a parent once upon a time 🤦🏿♀️ listening to Gabor Mate made me change my ways for my teenager
Thank you so much 🙏💖
That is awesome information, and it resonated with me a lot. Does anyone has a tip on how to deal with this?
I was the scapegoat but also the beautiful one. If i did anything at all I would get in punished. If i did literally nothing but stay in my room i was somewhat safe. Otherwise all blame and bullying would go to me.- BUT my parents really loved taking all the credit if peope admired my beauty or complimented my looks. Its like in public " look how pretty my child is" but behind close doors it was "you think youre better than me.I'll show you." Started at 5 years old. I started isolating at a young age to protect myself. Now I'm trying to overcome my addiction to being hermit. Ive grown too comfortable in isolation that socializing causes intense anxiety. I really am comfortable never leaving my home...idk how to overcome it without anxiety meds and even then medicines only do so much.
I was always ridiculously bad at sports. Not to mention the bullying and shameful situations attached to it. I remember thinking "don't mess it up" in the football pitch, instead of relaxing and enjoying with friends. It was a torture as a kid. The last time I played soccer was in the year 2000, I was 18. It also unnecessary to mention I never played shit with my father, nor I had brothers or cousins my age to develop social and physical skills.
I kind of feel like no matter what I say, do, think or feel, I’m doomed to feel shame. I can’t escape it.
How does one eat an elephant? One bite at a time. How does one escape a long dark tunnel? One foot in front of the other. You got this, just give yourself the compassionate freedom to go at your own pace. It may feel like one step forward and two back, there will be pauses, but it is a journey worth making. I have been at this for 5 years, and I look at what I was before, and I don’t recognize that person anymore. You can get there too. Best wishes, fellow traveler!
Could you please make a video about the invisible child and how to recover from it? Thanks ❤
It took my mom 27 years of my drawing like my life depended on it (it did) to even acknowledge to my face that I have any such skill or talent. Before that it was just a trophy she could show off without having earned and still claim all the credit for.
alcoholic parents, one in depression, the other condescending and abusive verbally (would have been physically as well if I wasn't protected by the other parent). Both violent to each other and others on a daily basis. Both abusive to me when drunk together. I wasn't allowed speech, emotions, a space as a child. I existed to pick up the mess and take care of their emotional and physical wounds after each fight. By age 4, I didn't sleep until I was sure their cigarettes were out, the stove was turned off, the doors were locked, there nothing around them that could hurt them if they fall, the water taps are off, the broken glass, furniture etc is out of the way to the bathroom or their bedroom, I'd clear a path. I'd turn some lights off.... and then I'd go back to my room. The next day, I'd be cleaning and telling them what they did as they would ask me, they didn't remember much. They would both find the story amusing while they were getting drunk again. I hardly went to school. When I did, I was bullied because I didn't relate to the other kids' reality. I didn't care to play, I was sad a lot. I was mostly very worried of what was happening at home in my absence and of what I would find when I return. This was my life until I left at 9 years old. Today, I'm a loner. I don't care about being with anyone. I've wanted love and approval in past relationships. I was the one giving and rarely receiving because I never learned it, probably. I'm not interested in building a deeper relationship anymore. I've learned about who I am, I've learned to set healthy boundaries. It took years to identify likes/dislikes/wants/to triage which fears were my own and not my parents. I lost my parents twice, first to alcoholism and their own trauma, second when they passed away. What saved me, I think, is that I left at a young age, which allowed me to understand that home life wasn't normal. Today, I'm considered confident by my friends and colleagues. I'm self-sufficient. I value peace more than human interaction. I socialize on my terms other than for necessity (work). I have value and recognition as a reputable and established medical professional. Although I don't hang on to the title and recognition alone to identify. I know I'm caring, wholesome, at peace with who I am as a nurturing woman. I have nothing to prove because I'm a gentle soul regardless of achievements. I take pride in the manner with which my hypervigilance serves to detect the unspoken from my patients and try to help them. Music and nature are my escape. Long term friendships serve my needs for posit feedback and trust. I have forgiven those who were creating chaos and pain. I don't excuse their behavior, I just understand they didn't understand their own issues, they didn't get the love they needed either. We're here to learn lessons. Some take a lifetime. Take care of yourselves. ❤️
You sound like the kind of person everyone needs to become. You are living the change you want to see in the world. May you be blessed for all the positive energy you bring to those who know you!
I am a broken beaten adult because there isn't anything i wouldn't do for attention at my own peril. Jump of house roofs slap bulls, trees, Evil Knievel kinda kid. But hey it got the attention and the bullies thought i was crazy so gained respect that way, got bullied less. Hahaha. 51 now and life isn't that fun. Isolated and jack of all trades master of one.
Sadly it just increased the contempt. Every action I made for connection would make my mum hate me even more. I think I actually have NPD, predominantly vulnerable, because of this.
Thanks
I remember my alcoholic father discussing with a friend I didn't know shit about computers. That I was a dumb. I was only 10 learning to use DOS. From that moment on I knew I couldn't count on him. That I was a burden.
seeing the comments it is weird to see there are others who feel this way. WHERE N EARTH HAVE YOU BEEN, PEOPLE???
It's so you know you're safe.
thankyou 💖 🙏 🌹 🕊
Hilarious, full-on 4D chess mode: this is meta-meta retro-causality, self-referential uno reverse card, double false flag-meta stacked on meta, the ultimate “What am I?” riddle, only to get back, “Exactly.”
Can you make this comment again without using meta-meta-meta-meta self confirming language?
Somebody ought to write The History of Child Rearing
I take screenshots
To be pretty, to be the smartest kid in the class and to be the best athlete, it's good !
@@Ganeden_Y not rly makes u the most obvious target…most ppl nvr think of what that person has to live up too, or how they rly feel. Ppl only feel like they must be lucky and they have no prob. N they must have it all. When in all actuality, they are just the ones who have worked hardest or were born and are doing what God wanted them to do, and what expectations they have been held too.
@@Southerngrl Don't understand sorry.
So true..
Oh my god it feels like what you're saying right now is me
@TimFletcher-y5t 229 ?
PERFECT!
What if you have parents that just wanted you to have feelings that they thought you should have liked you mean they dictated your whole everything
It could be the mother is hypomanic and is focussed on herself.
Because I feel invisible
I'm just really lonely
A lot of our political discourse in the US is driven by attention seeking.
Great explanation, Tim 👌
I know so many unhealed people in my life. To me, it is very hard to raise healthy children❣️ I think we have like 85% toxic people and only 15% healthy. What's your opinion about this?
I always want to be attention
0:18
But they dictated so much that it wasn't like they were doing good and successful in their life they were trapped in their own codependency of each other and the drugs but they were a family unit but it was on their own terms I don't mean to say there it was my mom's 1:15
I was put in my place when I felt good about something I did and was proud of. Didn't want praise to go to my head. The company was more important than us kids. Criticized and never did anything good enough. Needed to be proper, anything out of the box was a rebel, aka black sheep ( the only one telling the truth)!
This intch
I'm thinking of people in my life but also of those who won the elections 2024, starting with our re-elected president (with all due respect).😢
The same parents get jobs and they traumatize people in the workplace because they feel better the authorities of society and you get ridden ridden about your personal life and are not allowed to keep it private. It doesn't matter it's against federal law to make someone uncomfortable in a small town especially then they'll lose all their employees cuz that's the norm, especially if you're a woman their age then they'll shame you with aspirational shame for any dreams you have and of course your life isn't as wonderful as theirs because you aren't married long-term and you have to keep it secret how happy you are why you listen to them vent which is the work and work
Didn't want you to be conceited, was what I heard.
Please do you need to wave your hands around
If that triggers you, then stop watching or listen without watching.
@@Abena1709😂