I can’t either as If you work in NZ it’s )100 hour we’re if you don’t work it’s free. The best info on these topics and having no info back in the day to just having knowledge is indescribable. Although every time a topic is discussed it opens up more questions because there are things that I’ve shoved down because it’s just to hard but then the Dr talks about it and I’m do do greatfull
@@TherapistTamaraHill Hi Tamara, thank you for your comment. At this point I'm just trying to move forward, get my education and career and break the cycle. I'm hoping to create a good cycle based on a healthy family structure. Healing has been very difficult. I struggle incredibly with self-esteem and self-love issues. Do you have any advice in regards to these types of issues? It affects all areas of my life, especially relationships. Pursuing intimacy is incredibly difficult as I have so much fear.
Hi Jason, this is good to hear. I'm really glad that you have been able to push those things aside and break the cycle. I've been in that position before and although it can get stressful, if you were meant to break the cycle and succeed it will happen. Stay strong! I don't have any video specifically about self esteem issues but encourage you to look through previous videos and click on the videos that may be similar or closely related. Take good care!
I feel the same. I remember my mother constantly telling me (while she was running a prison) that I deserved to be in jail. I had some struggles with cannabis, and partying like may teens, but she took it as a reason to destroy me. I was also in AP classes and well on my way to being a sophomore in college by the time I graduated HS. I dropped all my AP classes out of frustration with her!! Even then I still graduated in 3 years and got a cosmetology license by age 18. She still treats me 15 years later like it was all my fault, she did nothing wrong, and I am a “failure.” Now I am very disturbed as adult trying to figure out why a grown woman (who is your parent too!) would say that to a high risk teenager. I was very high in aspirations and there was so much positivity to focus on, but I really feel she may have just wanted to destroy me for some reason!! I have learned that while I was in high school and she was saying I “should be in jail,” that she actually was involved in a scandal and arraigned for white collar criminal charges and the story was on the cover all 2 major newspapers in Oklahoma when it happened. Of course I was trying to dig my way out of the legal troubles she had created by drawing so much attention to me and the physical abuse I had suffered by my ex boyfriend after becoming a high risk youth. There was no help for me, even after being beaten almost daily by him. It was all about how “bad I was.” Unfortunately this is just one of many instances of neglect and emotional abuse with her. That is all before turning 18 years old, and now I see how I ended up so mistrusting and jaded. As an adult I am now struggling to justify even knowing her, and she has forced me into signing power of attorney papers for her when I barely even knew what I was signing one of the times I went home to visit.
Its ok Jason... we cant go to the past and change the way we were carried but we can stop been part of a mistake. We will never settle for less. God is with us!
Feeling really bad after removing my parent from my house earlier due to how emotionally absent she was behaving, not putting any effort into listening to me, not responding in a connected way, etc. She drove to my house and I tried chatting to her and she just couldn't be bothered giving me any attention at all, just kept going, "hm. yeah. oh." not actually offering me any connection. So I told her to leave. I just can't really take it anymore, it's been going on my whole life and it is just so dissapointing to be around a mother who you expect a connection with and you get a stone wall. I grew up so badly because of it. I am so mucked up because of my childhood and I am really angry about it. And I noticed I just feel so sad when she is around. I feel so small, forgotten and unloved. I am 29 and just sick of being exposed to such deep and profound sadness and disappointment. I tried to self medicate, I had unhealthy relationships just craving what I never got, and now I feel deeply alone. I am, for the most part, alone, but there is nothing like the loneliness of having a parent who didn't give you the warm love that you needed.
I had the same. We have to find healthy people who can nurture us & we them. It is hard to find completely healthy people though. We all need to join together as a family.
Celebrate the fact that you finally decided to put yourself first. Yes it can feel lonely, but you are NEVER alone. Because God love and care for you, He created you, and He is ALWAYS with you no matter what. Use this time to heal from a broken childhood and trauma that you experienced as a whole. Get to know who you are. Try new things like taking a cooking class in your area. Do some volunteer work, or whatever the case maybe. You didn't lose ANYTHING. You gained an opportunity to become the best version of yourself. The version of yourself that God created and called you to be. It will be alright in the mighty name of Jesus. Keep your head up. Trouble don't last always, and choose to mother, love, and celebrate you. You don't need anyone or anything externally to tell you that you have value or worth. Know that from within in the mighty name of Jesus. Amen and Amen and Amen and Amen and Amen and Amen. God love and cares for you, and so do I. YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS. TAKE CARE.
It's amazing how parents impact there developing child's mind. From mental disorders, to racism, to addiction, and crime. The apple always falls near the tree and it's up to you to roll away from it....if you are strong enough.
I was raised by a relative whereas my mom kept 4 of her children. For years I have tried to develop a close relationship with my mother, but have failed. Too many times when there was a conflict with the same younger sibling, she would side with him. Recently he (55years old) slammed the door in my face because he felt I had no right to enter her home without knocking on the door. Ofcourse she didn't tell him she was expecting me or tell him I had as much right to come into the house as he does. I have decided to tell her how I feel and keep my distance for awhile. All my life I have felt as if I was the step child. I've lived with low self esteem, sexual abuse, and promiscuity. I'm 61 years and have started preparing my self for a new career I've put off due to fear of failure. I'm tired of allowing people to dump their rude, disrespectful and inconsiderate treatment towards me. If this means I have to distance myself from my family so I can healthy, then so be it.
I'm so sorry you have had to deal with this. It is obvious that your brother knows he is favored so he may be "milking" this every chance he gets. I think it's good that you have taken a stand and have decided to distance yourself. It's healthy for your sanity if they "team up" on you or play the "favorite child" game. Everyone is a bit too old for this and I'm sure you're over it. My mother went through this for years until she decided not to any longer. It appears you have decided on the same path. Thankfully you are doing it now and not later. Take care
I grew up with what I now come to realise is a "dismissive" mother.And it has caused me a lot of pain.I remember the day I quit alcohol and I looked back at everything that I had gone through and I felt like my mother never cared about me.From bullying that she didn't adress fully to developing social anxiety to failure in school and the society against me.I was in real danger and my mother never protected me.Your characteristics describe me exactly and now I feel like I will never speak to her again.Now my sister is 15 and pregnant I really hate my mother.
I'm so sorry that you went through this. I went through it. Not the sister part. How ever I blame both my parents for the choices they've made. My mother sleeping with a man like my father and my father for setting my mind on what I thought I wanted as a man from the little time I had with my father. I've made an owe to myself to not betray myself like my mother has done to herself. I hope you as a man don't use women for their bodies and won't allow them to do the same to you bc you wouldn't be any better. If you can't value yourself you won't be able to Value anyone else. Even a homeless person has value. Even if they don't see it in themself.
Yess..... I'm here after watching Mariah careys interview with Oprah.... Do a video on that!... Watch first if course.... Mariah talks about having an emotionally absent mother smh... It's sooo deep and sad...😢😢😢 Please watch and do a video .. I related so much to her.... Especially when she talked about not being seen... By her own mother ... It's so easy to create a narcissist.... It's jus a coping mechanism... I myself can definitely relate.... If no one cares about u.. u start to care about yourself only in an unhealthy way because u have to survive... I now realize humans need love and connection . If we don't get that especially as children. I see how that can screw a person up... Please please consider watching her interview with Oprah .. better yet .. I'll post it ❤️
This is true growing up in a single mom household no matter what I did I always felt I wasn't good enough it got to the point when I got older I would workout like crazy and got the body I wanted and still felt I wasn't good enough.
Thank you for sharing your experience Gregory! It sounds like you put your pain into physical activity and I dont see anything wrong with that. It can be healing.
@@TherapistTamaraHill yeah it is but the true healing is in the mind alot of people don't understand everything is physiological and the stuff u talk about how parenting affects the mind is really mind-blowing you would never think something so simple as your parents showing u love can change the way u think and affect ur outcome as an adult.
Uninvolved parents are the most destructive to children, I'm the product of it. My life as an adult is beyond repair at this point, there's just been too much damage done in critical times of development to fix, so I trying helping others by boosting them up, unfortunately this only feeds their ego and they become arrogant assholes. I'm allergic to people, I just can't stand to be around them anymore.
Yes. I very much agree with this. I'm so sorry you have been impacted by this. You could certainly be "hyper-sensitive" to certain types of people because of your parent(s). I would read up on "highly sensitive" people or even "highly sensitive child" to learn more about what this may look like in your life.
Unfortunately this is both my mother and father. 6 months ago I took me and my family on a road trip to find a new life. My parents just visited me, wife and my kids here in oregon. During the visit all sorts of emotions started rising in me. I couldn't understand until I noticed that they were on the phone most of the time. Every picture with the kids wasn't capturing moments it was to capture likes and views on instagram. I'm 35 and I spent my whole life with my eyes to the floor due to social anxiety. Everywhere I go I feel like everybody is looking at me and hearing me thru my parents eyes and ears. Not to mention all types of disorders that have been slapped on me not just by my psychiatrist, but also by my parents and puppet psychotic siblings. I had the roughest end of the stick. But recently learning that I'm not crazy. THEY ARE! Helps a lot and I now feel like I can heal. But I am defently cutting them now off and beginning a new life far from them. It's OK. I got my own family now. And I can be that parent I always wanted and have the family I never got
My parents were emotionally detached parents, however they grew up in a war with all sorts of craziness. It's ultimately up to your own self, to mature in this world and develop healthy relationships. Don't blame others, don't be angry at the world, and be a good person in this world.
Tamara, thanks for your video. For me, the escape from the generational cycle of emotional immaturity and narcissism is the hardest thing to overcome. Well meaning but clueless parents can create such embedded shame and guilt that you start questioning the validity of your own thoughts and feelings.
My mother was emotionally detached from me growing up and very critical of me. Hardly gave me affection, encouragement or praise and showed signs of being jealous of my relationship with my Dad in my teenage years. My Father was and is my Papa Bear. He made the effort to spend time with me, give me hugs and encouragement and listen to me, we have a special bond. My relationship with him compared to my mother is like night and day.
Omg I could have written this myself lmao I have enough compassion to not hold any deep resentment towards my mother but long story short i feel like I wrote this word for word lmao I literally have my dad in my phone as PapaBear and always refer to him as papa bear when bringing him up in conversation with friends etc hahaha
Sometimes that comes from him treating her terrible. Just because you have a child with somebody doesn't mean you don't feel bitter by their lack of emotional connections. I'm sorry that she treated you that way. She should have had more self awareness and found herself a new man or self reflect to find peace within her self. Seriously.
@@phenitagomes1292 I’ve grown a lot since that post, and my relationship with my mother is much better… Recently actually better than with my father. Although both are pretty solid! I just want you to know you’re 10000% right! I realized alll of that but hearing got from someone else makes it even more clear! Thank you!🙏
I am 62, almost 63, and now recently I am learning about what happened...if there is reincarnation, I am asking for parents who love me. If not, I am going to have a long chat with God about why this happened to me. Besides the distant parenting, I was also bullied at school. I am admittedly messed up as an adult as far as my two marriages and choice of mates. I tend to stay away from social stuff. BPD, albeit mild. I chalk this life up as a loss, basically.
I'm so sorry Patricia. I can't begin to say I understand the pain you must feel but I do want to encourage you that there may be some "good" or "benefit" to the pain you have experienced. Perhaps one day, if you haven't already, you will see that. I once counseled a woman your age who went through a very similar background. For 66 years of her life she could never understand why she had to experience what she did. Until one day, she realized that she had grown in many ways and was afforded emotional awareness that would help her raise her adopted family. She gained the "skill" of emotional intelligence and found a way to give what she never had to her adopted children. She was a better parent than her mother was. That was purpose for her. So I guess I am saying that despite the pain there may be purpose in your storm.
I am twenty-four years . I have suffered from severe depression for many years. When I was a child, my father took drugs and my mother was always emotional. I felt that I was bad and unworthy of being loved. I never knew why I was alive. I committed suicide. Several times, my adult life was terrible, but now I live for myself. Seeing everyone’s comments, I suddenly felt that I wasn’t so lonely anymore. I’m a Chinese. If anyone sees my comments, don’t laugh at my bad English. I also believe that in a certain space, God exists.
Thank you!!! Im determined to save my relationships as an adult, I don’t have BPD but I definitely have the traits so I’m going to read up and try to save myself. There were a lot of new information in the video which helped a lot!
Emotionally detached parents comes from never having parents that were EMOTIONALLY ATTACHED themselves! We may have been emotionally attached ONLY after BIRTH. This does not guarantee a secure ATTACHMENT. Mothers do not always accept their newborns. I was supposed to be a BOY. Instead she got a TEN pound BABY GIRL -- immediate rejection. Two weeks later her breast milk dried up. She lied to me, always, about being breast fed. Then, one day she blurted out the truth - when she was in her 90's! I don't want to make this about me...I only want to inform others of how our anxieties, ADHD, depression, etc. get started.
Dang, why didn't I see this 4 years ago?!!! This was so validating. I am an alcoholic, cigarette smoker, and former drug addict, as well, and even in therapeutic settings, health care professionals have just extended the abuse my parents started with the emotional invalidation that caused me to become an addict. Addicts are shamed and maligned. You can't "shame" someone into behavioral change by attacking someone for the unhealthy coping mechanism and suggest that's all the person is ("defective" and "bad"). I can count all the fingers on one hand for the times I've been told that trauma and addiction can't be treated concurrently because "alcohol changes the brain." Well, so does PTSD. Nobody would be worth their salt as a mental health professional if they argued that you can't treat trauma until the person is no longer traumatized, but by their logic, this is what they're suggesting.
I just saw this this morning on my way to a new job long story short I am both the child and parent in this scenario. And now, I understand my whole life and the life of one of my sons! In all my 46 years- this is the best Clarity & the quickest breakdown of what's going on. With me AND my son!!! She just read my entire life and unfortunately all of the bad traits -I exhibited and I experienced.😔😢 Now I don't know how to connect with my kids. I don't care for myself as I should either. I don't know what to do but to work to survive because I am also on child support cuz I was in a toxic relationship with their Dad for over 10 years. At least I know what's going on
Thank you for sharing your experience with us. This is helpful as a lot of people who visit this channel. You are certainly not alone in any of this. And it is great that your eyes are open and you recognize what the issue is. That's the first step forward for sure.
Wow you have explained my siblings, I walked away from my toxic family because of this mess....I had to wake up to my own trauma but talking to my siblings about what I seen in them it started WW3 it’s horrible! I’d love to share your videos with them but I’m sure they’ll laugh and throw insults back to me😩😡😟
@@TherapistTamaraHill Interesting to hear that, my mum laughs and scoffs at me when I cry and beg her to just love me...I wondered what she was playing at, perhaps trying to minimize. I can't fathom how anyone can be like this.
@@TherapistTamaraHill I went from loveless abusive parents for 18 years To a loveless abusive partner for almost 18 years I'm completely broken I've become very aggressive during disagreements And very defensive I left 5 times and nothing really changed it was empty promises Literally I have no energy to even leave again Depeleted I've sorted laid down and died and it's really sad
I can relate to all this. Pregnant at 13 by my mums coercion. Many other dysfunctiomal patterns. High ACE score. High CEN. However, did my mum do this on purpose? No. These videos are to help us understand, not blame. Feel the pain to heal the pain by all means. Blame indicates a willingness to stay stuck in my opinion. History is not destiny and our experiences do not define us. Good luck to everyone on their healing journeys.
True but that’s also what we saw and only knew growing up by some of our own families. It is very challenging to break the cycle if we were also surrounded by other toxic family friends and lacking any other kind of support system growing up even well into our adulthood. I think a true way to break the cycle is for us to trust our own instincts/judgements and surround ourselves with people that are really good for us and accept us for us and no pretend.
Spending the whole day watching all your last videos and this is all what we need to build a healthy life with our children and the new generation for a better future. 🔅🙏🏼
I am the adult child of an emotionally detached parent. My mother detached suddenly when she made the decision to divorce my father and it has really affected me - now even 20 years later
My parents think I am being mean, but I have been asking them, “Why did you guys want to have a kid, or kids, in the first place?!” I am not and would like kids, but also won’t have any until I feel responsible and healed enough to really be there. It feels like suffocating when they are never there and weren’t there really in childhood either!! I feel for them, it they also refuse counciling or help or to even acknowledge the issues here. Due to them not being available I ended up in a severe domestic violence relationship and trying to live independently by age 16. Of course they blame me and my behavior for almost all of these it. Now trying to cope with my anxiety and CPTSD, I see how I became a high risk youth and surely would end up with healing needed. I am now backing off regular cannabis use/self medicating since regular use since age 14. I believe both my parents (who are divorced) have NPD. They both are pathological lots, however lying is something I am allergic to. My mother is the “child of a recovered alcoholic.” They both have had very unstable employment, but do not use drugs or alcohol. I am an empath. 💟💟
Thank you for your wisdom. I’m struggling with my childhood, my parents were born again Christians but also believed in corporal punishment, yelling, and perfectionism. They are still alive and I love them but I’m struggling with depression, my therapist is working with me on my anger, that I “stuff”. Do you have any videos about perfectionism, wanting to be the perfect child so it’s hard to conceive of God’s unconditional love? I wish I could visit you in person, you are a wonderful online source for encouragement. And of course the fact that you too are a Christian makes me deeply respect your work.
I grew up in an alcoholic family and my mother hated me. She denies it now, but it's hard to forget the fact that she told me to my face that she did. My inner child sometimes longs for her love and things have improved a bit. What helps me most. Is information like your video. Thank you for putting it up. Take care
I'm sorry to hear this. It is never easy to live with an alcoholic parent. As the child becomes an adult it can be increasingly more difficult to relate to the parent without underlying feelings of resentment. Educating yourself to the parent, learning about their personality style, and their defense mechanisms can be very helpful in your healing. And thank you! Very glad this video was helpful. I also have a video on the traumatic impact of alcoholic parents if you'd like to view it.
Man I could of used ur help from early 1980s to last year. I finally got some closure with my dad. Still have a hole in me I'm trying my hardest to heal and fill up with wisdom and light. Wish we could talk sometime.
My parents broke me and I'm just now dealing with all of this my mom and dad are dysfunctional and growing up I seen and heard them fight a lot and they would bring me and my big brother into it mostly me I get called a liar even when I'm telling the truth still to this day my brother is there favorite there golden child and I'm the black sheep he betrayed me growing up still to this day I want nothing to do with him or our parents don't get me wrong I love my family but I'm not dealing with them once once my brother knew he was there favorite he started to lie on me get me into trouble just because he felt like it and him and our other family members would bully me my own so called family members where my first bullys I would get bullied for having lighter skin I've had my hair cut I've been used abused and mistreated I grew up suicidal and depressed I still struggle with depression from time to time and I try to nip people pleasing into a bud this is just a little of what happened to me growing up and I'm only 20 trying to fix and undo all of this trama I have faced I pray god has mercy on my soul
I'm sorry to hear this. This is awful. You are not alone in your situation as many of my clients struggled with this as children. It's a terrifying experience when a child realizes that their parent or parents are unhealthy, emotionally detached, and narcissistic. I don't use the word "narcissistic" lightly. I mean narcissistic in the sense that the parent (parents) don't see the error of their ways because of a series of emotional and psychological barriers that are raised in response to the environment. I am also regarding parents who lack the capacity to love because their own issues are so present in their mind. I'm afraid to tell you that the best way to deal with unhealthy parents like this is to build distance into the relationship and love (if you can) from afar.
Schema therapy is very helpful for me and I really relate to your story. I’m 45 and my mother still lets my narcissistic brother treat me just like our dad did.. I’m learning to love myself after a major 18 month journey after a devastating breakup xx good luck to everyone who is growing xx
My older sister because of the dysfunction was my bully . She blames me for everything even though she no it was our parents but because she needs there validation and her inner self feed she can’t go there . I feel your pain I also internalised suicidal thoughts and evil thoughts
This happened to me, too. And it still does, 29 years old and my mum called me a liar just tonight at my house after I told her myself and my siblings are all affected by how emotionally absent she behaves. She just said "what? you're a liar". Great response.. Seems to be her go-to. It damaged me deeply, growing up. I tried to report violence happening in my home to police and she told them I was lying, one of the officers then pat me on the shoulder and said "I hope you get the help you need" as in psychiatric help because apparently I was insane. My dad had just punched me in the face and I am suddenly insane and making it up, it destroyed my brain, I didn't know I was being gaslighted until I researched it when older. I was always a liar, my sister also was the favorite and would lie to get me in trouble saying I hurt her, then I was locked in my room for hours when I refused to say sorry for something I didn't actually do. I feel your pain, frusteration, anger, pleas, I've been through it too and I feel so sad for you going through it all, aswell. I have tried so many medications and tried so hard to tell myself to just try harder and keep pushing on, but theres a huge ball of festering anguish inside of me that just won't go away. Been through way too much. my latest diagnosis was ADHD, been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, PTSD, tentative personality disorder unknown, that's it so far because I don't like seeing professionals, they don't usually do a very good job. I am seeing a psychologist at the moment but we've barely gotten anywhere and it costs heaps. I think I need to be prayed for, too. I hope both of us somehow get through this, it's honestly seeming impossible. Starting gym kind of helped me, made me feel productive and healthy and gave me some energy? Gardening helps a bit..being in nature and such..I dunno.
Hi Tamara, just came across your videos the last couple days and I love your stuff! Very helpful! I'm a 20 year clinical psychologist and your content is both useful and inspiring for me, giving me ideas for my own videos on my channel, so a big THANK YOU!
I’m 23 now. I’ve done some soul searching finding out who I am and have learned so much about myself but it wasn’t until I met my current bf of 2 years that I really started to understand I may be borderline, I have EVERY symptom. Although he thinks I’m bipolar .. who knows yet. I hope I can talk to a therapist soon. I moved away from home at 20 and I will never go back. I always felt I was to mature and would never hurt my friends the way they hurt me but I didn’t know that it was only because I was forced to grow up so fast that I may have just been more mature than them. Even when I told them what I was going through .. they say “wow..” or “that’s so sad!” Or hell.. maybe even stop talking to me simple because of what I’ve dealt with. On top of that I had bullies and I couldn’t talk to any adult because that was long crushed when I was a child. Hell, even when I was a toddler I was mistreated by the women at my daycare simply because they didn’t like my mother! I truly believe my grandma could be bipolar and my mother either the same, narcissist or borderline.. mental illness is NEVER talked about! Everything I know now, I learned from research, and my boyfriend finally telling me “that’s not a normal childhood” 😔 My dad was absent. Never answered the phone when I called, would only come to the house to see my mother because I believe he truly still loves her but how can you love her and not the baby you created?(I lived at my grandmas she eventually moved out and let only my siblings and my mom stay.. tbh she was my mothers enabler even tho she screamed to the top of her lungs to me a child how she hated her guts) when I was 20 he took me to get a paternity test to prove I wasn’t his even tho HE KNEW I WAS.. he thinks it’s time to be in my life now and that I just have to accept him like he didn’t treat me like dirt? Nah. My mom beat it into my head that he didn’t love me! My mom had countless men in and out of the house, told me to stay in my room, she locked her door and never came out unless she was leaving. The only “bonding time” we had was her getting ready to leave to go to the club. She even missed holidays with her kids! She never had a steady job and always quit if she felt like it. Her feelings always mattered over mine. “You don’t know what depressed feels like!” Same with my grandma “Idc what you say, you just want to hear yourself talk!” Or even hitting me. My mom was the black sheep and I believe I was also the black sheep. I had to be a mother to my siblings because she was never there and even if she was she let her mom force me to clean the WHOLE house everyday and take the blame for her and anything my siblings did. My grandma would try to force me to choose her over my mom..Don’t get me started on the domestic violence she brought constantly that, I , more than my siblings witnessed and was even evolved in. These “parents” don’t really care about me, I had no adult I could “look up to” , I didn’t trust adults and because of how she treated me for a long time I was scared of ALL adults and even now I battle with feeling like I’m still a kid. Because she told me constantly how I’m not an adult until I’m 18. And even after that she continued to control my life until I finally moved. Even when I told both my parents I was raped it was like they shrugged it off. “I’m so sorry.. I wish I was there.. I’m gonna blah blah” then never do a damn thing or just don’t even say they’ll do anything. It took me 2 years to tell them but for what? There’s just so much but this is to long already!!! I know I have extreme depression and anxiety , abandonment issues and so on.. nows finding the right therapist! I loved this video!
Thank you for sharing this with us. It is quite obvious that your family has dealt a lot with trauma and intergenerational trauma. It is important that you are able to identify the problem as you have here. I would say that this is bravery and resilience for sure. I would search for a therapist who understands intergenerational trauma, cultural influence, and healing trauma. A therapist can say they are "experts" in any subject they choose but the TRUE test is when you schedule that first appointment and begin the work. Take care
A lot of people put down religion but I think the church provided the structure and support I desperately needed to survive. I think I needed somewhere to belong, a parent to love me. God was that parent. I lost my faith around 19 and that was about the time I began to have problems.
YES! I agree with this. If you can rely on a supportive, honest, and truly God-faring church or group of people that, in and of itself, is a blessing. Knowing God for who He truly is -- and not what religiosity tells us He is-- is wonderful. That relationship is everything.
Thank you so much for sharing these video's with us! I just came across you & your video's just recently & I really get allot out of them! Wishing you manny blessings & abundance. ..
Grew up in a split home getting thrown back and forth. Mostly because whoever had me got to claim me on their taxes and thats all that mattered to them. Ended up with my mom, after getting disowned by my dad for being gay. She brought a constant herd of meth heads, alcoholics, and abusers around me. Now I just don't feel much, I've never felt like I love someone except one person who broke the hell out of me. I over analyze things and don't feel like I'm ever being genuine. The thing that just stays in my head is the last thing my dad said "you'll never find someone who actually loves you" what sucks the most is so far he's right
Sometimes people don’t understand mental illness. But in saying that when you have a parent that has done and supported you through everything. But when a parents get a mental illness, you cannot blame your parent for everything, learn what is happening to them ,show compassion, and love, don’t just throw them away because it’s too hard. Remember what they have done for you, when times got hard ……. Did they throw you away.
I have tried to stay strong for several years but I feel I’m breaking down gradually…Everything seem to be going on well for me financially as a young lady but I lack love and support from my mother..My mother never showed me love and support and that hurt me emotionally,I understand her perfectly well as mothers have their own lives to live but I’m not to be blamed for all this i’m i?am 27 and I don’t even feel like having a child or anything to do with a man,I prefer being all alone,I know I’m going to end this sooner or later
Connect with someone you respect. Someone that shows compassion and that's wise. Different ppl teaches us what our parents couldn't. Also better connections that helps us grow into to our greater self. Don't worry about men and baring children until you feel ready. It's not a race but in the mean time stay healthy if you would ever change your mind. Choose the ppl(even family) you want close to you wisely and try finding things that makes you happy bc there will be plenty of alone time. You have to be comfortable with your own company. Practice make stability in all aspects of life. Praying for you now. 🙏🏽❤
Damn you called me a trainwreck sigh but I accept and shall grow even more...I take responsibility even with all that happen because I learn life is unfair and fair to us all
Amazing.. this is my first time on your channel and I haven't watched this video yet.. just the one about anger and your information is so valuable and it's been hard to find someone that can explain it like you do. Very professional very excellent material and knowledge thank you so much
My parents were toxic 15 and 18 so I didn’t do those things I was an over protective mother my kids are more disfunctional. My husband set no boundaries made me look crazy
Yea hun I feel you. I’ve had it with trying to make a connection with my mother. There were so many times when I needed her emotionally and she dismissed or mocked me. I’m living with her currently but I’ll be leaving next year. Time for me to give myself the environment I deserve ❤️ Best of luck to you!
i definitely suffered all of those risk factors thanks to a detached "mother". This was accurate as i don't know what. my mother still hates me til this day as soon as i called her out on it and addressed the issue. She can't even look at me.
All I know is I learned that my mom is narcissistic. Possibly even have narcissistic personality disorder. Anyway she was crowding out my personal space at every turn when I went to visit her this past weekend. It was really weird and quite annoying to say the least.
I can’t get in touch with you..if you see this May you respond (I want to talk to you ..im ready to tell everything)hey everyone on this page hope y’all are healthy and strong and making every day count peace and blessings hugs
I was a bad liar coming up. And the reason is simple. Getting to the point, I was very mischievous. I felt like I had to lie because the truth comes with the same belt-whoopin. In other words, telling the honest truth came with the same outcome as being caught in a lie. So logically, I was guaranteed a whoopin if I told the truth and had a 50/50 shot at not getting a whoopin if I told a lie. So, no wonder why I'd lie so much.
my mom is a very troubled women. I think the fact that she is a felon and is nothing more than that effects her mindset greatly but most definitely the mindset she developed growing up also effects her a lot. This past January I had let her into my life and for the first time I genuinely got to give her a Mother’s Day gift out of love. The day right before my graduation though she started an argument over nothing really.. just telling me and my bf to be quiet Bc it was night time but in the most immature way ever. She didn’t show up to my graduation ceremony because she was “mad at me”. But I really think she is just jealous of how much different I turned out compare to her at my age. She also had the audacity to go to my graduation party all dolled up like she ever did anything!!! For me to get to this celebration in my life. Maybe I’m being mean but this situation has really effected me. Especially when she pretended like nothing happened after leaving nasty text messages in my inbox..I know she has problems..I hope one day she can be nice to me and not have our relationship crumble not to long after.
I just encountered your channel. I like the simple and yet rich examples you give in your informative presentations. I have some of questions: Is there a new theory of raising children with detachment?! Or is it an individual approach of some parents? What would you suggest a grandparent do when observing detachment of parent towards a child - my daughter in law towards our young grandchild? Thank you and blessings!
Thank you for watching! And welcome. You may find my article helpful cor your question: blogs.psychcentral.com/caregivers/2018/01/10-signs-of-having-an-emotionally-unstable-unavailable-parent/. I am not familiar with any particular theory as there are multiple theories on parenting today. Pointing out detachment is difficult, especially with a parent who is defensive. But I always suggest having an honest conversation and using objective examples of the detachment. Take care
Támara Hill, MS NCC CCTP LPC thank you for acknowledging my comment. I get the picture. I am in a need of a suggestion on how to approach the issue so steps for improvement can be taken. I have made subtle comments and am trying to provide some of the love and attention the baby needs. I am not FT with the baby though and clearly, I cannot replace the parent for life she needs to be herself. Do I involve her physician, her friends and family to try to influence therapy, to help her attend classes for young parents?! Thank you!
Absolutely. You're welcome! I would consider talking to her directly and abandoning hints and subtle comments because they're easier to ignore. If you can, and have legal right, I would share concerns with the pediatrician. You may also find this helpful: pepparent.org/
I feel like my situation is different but I can't seem to find the right classification. My parents were largely absent when I was little because of work and I actually lived with my grandparents in a different town for years while my parents visited on some weekends. My parents were loving when I was with them but my heart broke every time they had to leave and I'd regularly cry my eyes out because I missed them so much. Later when I started secondary school at 7 and moved back in with them, after my brother was born, soon after they started having regular arguments and their marriage started shaking and I could see and feel that which in turn affected my self esteem in school etc. Later at the age of 12 my mom and I moved to another country while my dad stayed behind and they spent the next 7 years trying to finalise their divorce. While I'm on good terms with both, I didn't live with my dad since my 12th and only saw him during holidays a few times a year, at 19 my mom and I had a huge rift in our relationship when she got a new boyfriend and decided I wasn't mature and independent enough so she started pushing me away till I moved out of the house. I've always felt like I never got to spend enough quality time with my parents in life and that's been reflected in my relationships as an adult. I've only had 3 more serious relationships so far, the first one starting when I was 18 and breaking my romantic innocent notions of love as the guy I was with only wanted physical fun but didn't return my feelings. After spending 7 years single, repulsed by emotional attachment and having casual physical encounters only, I finally felt ready to give it another go, thinking I've outgrown the past, only to end up with another 2 relationships where I fall hard for the guy I'm with and with them not returning my feelings, or at least not to the extend of my own feelings. It hurts me intensely every time, yet at the moment I'm still in that relationship, as I've decided I'm not going to run away. I want to learn the lesson I'm supposed to and I want to use the opportunity to heal what I can while I'm still in this situation (because I feel leaving and finding somebody else isn't going to solve my internal problems and I'll keep falling into the same pattern again). But how..? How do I heal?
If you can afford it seek therapy. It really does help to bounce ideas off another who isn't clouded by family ties or hormones. You can not change what you don't understand and history repeats itself. You were raised by dysfunctional parents (so was i) and without the guidance of another will raise a family like you learned growing up from yours. It would be extremely beneficial to talk to another who has seen it before and is trained. First determine if gender matters (do you feel safer to open up to a man or woman?) Then if you have insurance search the web for local shrinks and find one that has training for that and accepts your insurance. No insurance? If not contact your local health department (in USA) and ask if they offer counseling on a sliding scale. Or look up other councilors in your area that offer a sliding scale. Sliding scale is used to determine cost for those without insurance. It's based off of yearly income. The more you make in a year the more it cost.....the less you make the cheaper it is to always fit in anyone's budget (ideally) If you can't right now just keep watching UA-cam videos on the subject and if you like reading look up self help books at your library (for free)
I would say pathological liars are because in childhood they had to constantly lie about their home life. Maybe lying that their home life was different to what it was and then constantly playing and adding onto the lie.
Pathological liars sometimes come from rich families and sometimes from families where all they had was attention. This is why research on this topic is difficult and so slim because pathological liars are not well understood. Some scholars, philosophers, and psychologists have tried to study the patterns, behaviors, and thought processes of pathological liars but it isn't easy. We need more research.
I only touched on that topic once. They are listed below: 1. ua-cam.com/video/m_lLuhYDe4c/v-deo.html I probably need to go back to this topic at some point in the future.
I agree with most of what you say but I tried to change my life and escape as you say but my siblings haven't and tried ti bring me down to thier level and they've got jealous and havent seen me for year .Its hurtful and I've had ti start again like I don't have siblings cause they couldnt move forward x
My mother is a nasty combination of Livia Soprano and Lucille Bluth and my father was an angry, violent, unpleasant, emotionally detached, completely oblivious person...
I have a question Ms. Hill What can a person do if they were the person that was emotionally detached (new grandparent) and it has caused my daughter to be detached from her child. How can this be fixed
I'm not sure I understand the question clearly but I will attempt to answer. Emotional detachment can't be "learned." In other words, it isn't something that someone can view another person doing and then become the same way. Even if the person's behavior appears detached from the child, emotional attachment can still occur. So there is something going on with the daughter emotionally to be detached. Post partum depression maybe? Anxiety? This is something that should be discussed with a therapist who understands new moms or the child's pediatrician. I hope this is helpful.
I agree with all EXCEPT the marijuana... I don’t see an issue with that. I don’t smoke it because I just don’t like it but I don’t see an issue with smoking it. I have more of a problem with cigarettes than MJ
Thanks for sharing your view. I think a lot of people believe marijuana is completely harmless. The reality, from a brain perspective (neurological) is that receptors in the brain react negatively to the properties in adolescent brains. In adult brains there are still risks. No drug we take in is completely harmless. That may have been where I was coming from.
Damn , I feel read . But I’m workin on it . Stopped smokin weed . I did get knocked up by a loser though , coincidentally during a time I was lost and my mind was all over the place after feeling abused by my mother . Healing day by day . Feels like a mutation , like I’m shedding a skin
That's tough because if you feel you need the help and the school does as well, then you should get that help. Depending on where you are from, there are some areas that allow 14 year olds to pursue mental health treatment without the permission of their parent. In my state, 14 year olds can include or not include their parents. This, of course, has pros and cons. But for those teens who feel they need treatment and the parents get upset at the thought and may disapprove, a parents input won't stop things.
If I am understanding your question correctly: I would say getting treatment from an experienced psychotherapist may be helpful. Opening up about when you tell lies and under what circumstances. Sometimes there are deep-seeded issues that are pushing this behavior.
Your mother is not the universe. Get over it. She has no harm to the world that you’re gonna live. A bit philosophical but that’s what said to myself today after talking with my rude mother and being frustrated. She’s not my everything. I’m not only made by her ,so it’s okay.
Your comment/Aunty Betty advice is unnecessary and actually very toxic. You never tell a victim of abuse to just get over it. You guide the child/adult into understanding that what happened was not their fault. That they are important, needed and wanted.
I agree with the comments here toward @dailypurity. I suppose their response, from a psychological perspective, is indicative of their own false and unhealthy coping style. It may also be something they were told to do as well. This response deserves pitty.
I'm sorry to hear this. This is tough indeed. I really do hope that things change for you in some way: Psychotherapy, spiritual counseling, self-help books, etc. can all be helpful jumpstarters. I might talk about how to get motivated in the next few videos
I am an internaliser so I have managed to nurture my girls and have the best relationship with them (their words)I was determined for them to have everything I didn't.
You had me until your anti-cannabis rhetoric, sounds very boomer and D.A.R.E. Cannabis is not hard drugs nor does it mean that if someone does it they are damaged, a delinquent or have been abused in the past.
I know it's hard to hear this because a lot of supporters are for it. But we can't knock the research that says it's bad on the brain - especially for developing adolescents with half a brain developed. americanaddictioncenters.org/marijuana-rehab/effects-of-marijuana-on-teenage-brain. I only discuss facts on this channel so I probably brought that up for a reason?
I can´t afford therapy but thank you so much for offering good information.
You're welcome!! That's why I do this. 😉
God bless us
I can’t either as If you work in NZ it’s )100 hour we’re if you don’t work it’s free. The best info on these topics and having no info back in the day to just having knowledge is indescribable. Although every time a topic is discussed it opens up more questions because there are things that I’ve shoved down because it’s just to hard but then the Dr talks about it and I’m do do greatfull
Healing to us ❤️❤️
That's so good to hear!!
Parents are supposed to build a child. My parents broke me.
Hi Jason,
I'm really sorry to hear this. Painful statement. But you make a good point because so many feel the same way.
@@TherapistTamaraHill Hi Tamara, thank you for your comment. At this point I'm just trying to move forward, get my education and career and break the cycle. I'm hoping to create a good cycle based on a healthy family structure. Healing has been very difficult. I struggle incredibly with self-esteem and self-love issues. Do you have any advice in regards to these types of issues? It affects all areas of my life, especially relationships. Pursuing intimacy is incredibly difficult as I have so much fear.
Hi Jason, this is good to hear. I'm really glad that you have been able to push those things aside and break the cycle. I've been in that position before and although it can get stressful, if you were meant to break the cycle and succeed it will happen.
Stay strong!
I don't have any video specifically about self esteem issues but encourage you to look through previous videos and click on the videos that may be similar or closely related.
Take good care!
I feel the same. I remember my mother constantly telling me (while she was running a prison) that I deserved to be in jail. I had some struggles with cannabis, and partying like may teens, but she took it as a reason to destroy me. I was also in AP classes and well on my way to being a sophomore in college by the time I graduated HS. I dropped all my AP classes out of frustration with her!! Even then I still graduated in 3 years and got a cosmetology license by age 18. She still treats me 15 years later like it was all my fault, she did nothing wrong, and I am a “failure.” Now I am very disturbed as adult trying to figure out why a grown woman (who is your parent too!) would say that to a high risk teenager. I was very high in aspirations and there was so much positivity to focus on, but I really feel she may have just wanted to destroy me for some reason!! I have learned that while I was in high school and she was saying I “should be in jail,” that she actually was involved in a scandal and arraigned for white collar criminal charges and the story was on the cover all 2 major newspapers in Oklahoma when it happened. Of course I was trying to dig my way out of the legal troubles she had created by drawing so much attention to me and the physical abuse I had suffered by my ex boyfriend after becoming a high risk youth. There was no help for me, even after being beaten almost daily by him. It was all about how “bad I was.” Unfortunately this is just one of many instances of neglect and emotional abuse with her. That is all before turning 18 years old, and now I see how I ended up so mistrusting and jaded. As an adult I am now struggling to justify even knowing her, and she has forced me into signing power of attorney papers for her when I barely even knew what I was signing one of the times I went home to visit.
Its ok Jason... we cant go to the past and change the way we were carried but we can stop been part of a mistake. We will never settle for less. God is with us!
That’s why, every kid deserves a parent but not every parent deserves a kid.😢
Feeling really bad after removing my parent from my house earlier due to how emotionally absent she was behaving, not putting any effort into listening to me, not responding in a connected way, etc. She drove to my house and I tried chatting to her and she just couldn't be bothered giving me any attention at all, just kept going, "hm. yeah. oh." not actually offering me any connection. So I told her to leave. I just can't really take it anymore, it's been going on my whole life and it is just so dissapointing to be around a mother who you expect a connection with and you get a stone wall. I grew up so badly because of it. I am so mucked up because of my childhood and I am really angry about it. And I noticed I just feel so sad when she is around. I feel so small, forgotten and unloved. I am 29 and just sick of being exposed to such deep and profound sadness and disappointment. I tried to self medicate, I had unhealthy relationships just craving what I never got, and now I feel deeply alone. I am, for the most part, alone, but there is nothing like the loneliness of having a parent who didn't give you the warm love that you needed.
I had the same. We have to find healthy people who can nurture us & we them. It is hard to find completely healthy people though. We all need to join together as a family.
Celebrate the fact that you finally decided to put yourself first. Yes it can feel lonely, but you are NEVER alone. Because God love and care for you, He created you, and He is ALWAYS with you no matter what. Use this time to heal from a broken childhood and trauma that you experienced as a whole. Get to know who you are. Try new things like taking a cooking class in your area. Do some volunteer work, or whatever the case maybe. You didn't lose ANYTHING. You gained an opportunity to become the best version of yourself. The version of yourself that God created and called you to be. It will be alright in the mighty name of Jesus. Keep your head up. Trouble don't last always, and choose to mother, love, and celebrate you. You don't need anyone or anything externally to tell you that you have value or worth. Know that from within in the mighty name of Jesus. Amen and Amen and Amen and Amen and Amen and Amen. God love and cares for you, and so do I. YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS. TAKE CARE.
GOD BLESS YOU 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽
@@Chasing70 GOD BLESS YOU 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽
@@christophersmith1263 thank you! God bless you too! 🙏
this has provem to be true for me. the drugs, unstable work, have found a way to destroy every relationship i have ever have.
It's amazing how parents impact there developing child's mind. From mental disorders, to racism, to addiction, and crime. The apple always falls near the tree and it's up to you to roll away from it....if you are strong enough.
I was raised by a relative whereas my mom kept 4 of her children. For years I have tried to develop a close relationship with my mother, but have failed. Too many times when there was a conflict with the same younger sibling, she would side with him. Recently he (55years old) slammed the door in my face because he felt I had no right to enter her home without knocking on the door. Ofcourse she didn't tell him she was expecting me or tell him I had as much right to come into the house as he does. I have decided to tell her how I feel and keep my distance for awhile. All my life I have felt as if I was the step child. I've lived with low self esteem, sexual abuse, and promiscuity. I'm 61 years and have started preparing my self for a new career I've put off due to fear of failure. I'm tired of allowing people to dump their rude, disrespectful and inconsiderate treatment towards me. If this means I have to distance myself from my family so I can healthy, then so be it.
I'm so sorry you have had to deal with this. It is obvious that your brother knows he is favored so he may be "milking" this every chance he gets. I think it's good that you have taken a stand and have decided to distance yourself. It's healthy for your sanity if they "team up" on you or play the "favorite child" game. Everyone is a bit too old for this and I'm sure you're over it. My mother went through this for years until she decided not to any longer. It appears you have decided on the same path. Thankfully you are doing it now and not later.
Take care
Good for you, put yourself first and heal yourself, no matter your age.
I grew up with what I now come to realise is a "dismissive" mother.And it has caused me a lot of pain.I remember the day I quit alcohol and I looked back at everything that I had gone through and I felt like my mother never cared about me.From bullying that she didn't adress fully to developing social anxiety to failure in school and the society against me.I was in real danger and my mother never protected me.Your characteristics describe me exactly and now I feel like I will never speak to her again.Now my sister is 15 and pregnant I really hate my mother.
I'm so sorry that you went through this. I went through it. Not the sister part. How ever I blame both my parents for the choices they've made. My mother sleeping with a man like my father and my father for setting my mind on what I thought I wanted as a man from the little time I had with my father. I've made an owe to myself to not betray myself like my mother has done to herself. I hope you as a man don't use women for their bodies and won't allow them to do the same to you bc you wouldn't be any better. If you can't value yourself you won't be able to Value anyone else. Even a homeless person has value. Even if they don't see it in themself.
Emotionally detached parents are poison 🤢🤢. Disaster combo,..they just basically raise robots smh
Good point. Some are.
Yess..... I'm here after watching Mariah careys interview with Oprah.... Do a video on that!... Watch first if course.... Mariah talks about having an emotionally absent mother smh... It's sooo deep and sad...😢😢😢 Please watch and do a video .. I related so much to her.... Especially when she talked about not being seen... By her own mother ... It's so easy to create a narcissist.... It's jus a coping mechanism... I myself can definitely relate.... If no one cares about u.. u start to care about yourself only in an unhealthy way because u have to survive... I now realize humans need love and connection . If we don't get that especially as children. I see how that can screw a person up... Please please consider watching her interview with Oprah .. better yet .. I'll post it ❤️
I’ve literally been called a robot by my mom and boyfriend as a joke
This is true growing up in a single mom household no matter what I did I always felt I wasn't good enough it got to the point when I got older I would workout like crazy and got the body I wanted and still felt I wasn't good enough.
Thank you for sharing your experience Gregory! It sounds like you put your pain into physical activity and I dont see anything wrong with that. It can be healing.
@@TherapistTamaraHill yeah it is but the true healing is in the mind alot of people don't understand everything is physiological and the stuff u talk about how parenting affects the mind is really mind-blowing you would never think something so simple as your parents showing u love can change the way u think and affect ur outcome as an adult.
So do true
So true.
Uninvolved parents are the most destructive to children, I'm the product of it. My life as an adult is beyond repair at this point, there's just been too much damage done in critical times of development to fix, so I trying helping others by boosting them up, unfortunately this only feeds their ego and they become arrogant assholes. I'm allergic to people, I just can't stand to be around them anymore.
Yes. I very much agree with this. I'm so sorry you have been impacted by this. You could certainly be "hyper-sensitive" to certain types of people because of your parent(s). I would read up on "highly sensitive" people or even "highly sensitive child" to learn more about what this may look like in your life.
Unfortunately this is both my mother and father. 6 months ago I took me and my family on a road trip to find a new life. My parents just visited me, wife and my kids here in oregon. During the visit all sorts of emotions started rising in me. I couldn't understand until I noticed that they were on the phone most of the time. Every picture with the kids wasn't capturing moments it was to capture likes and views on instagram. I'm 35 and I spent my whole life with my eyes to the floor due to social anxiety. Everywhere I go I feel like everybody is looking at me and hearing me thru my parents eyes and ears. Not to mention all types of disorders that have been slapped on me not just by my psychiatrist, but also by my parents and puppet psychotic siblings. I had the roughest end of the stick. But recently learning that I'm not crazy. THEY ARE! Helps a lot and I now feel like I can heal. But I am defently cutting them now off and beginning a new life far from them. It's OK. I got my own family now. And I can be that parent I always wanted and have the family I never got
My parents were emotionally detached parents, however they grew up in a war with all sorts of craziness. It's ultimately up to your own self, to mature in this world and develop healthy relationships. Don't blame others, don't be angry at the world, and be a good person in this world.
Very true. I agree. Thank you for sharing this. Despite the pain of having these parents, you still have a lot of life to live.
Tamara, thanks for your video. For me, the escape from the generational cycle of emotional immaturity and narcissism is the hardest thing to overcome. Well meaning but clueless parents can create such embedded shame and guilt that you start questioning the validity of your own thoughts and feelings.
My mother was emotionally detached from me growing up and very critical of me. Hardly gave me affection, encouragement or praise and showed signs of being jealous of my relationship with my Dad in my teenage years. My Father was and is my Papa Bear. He made the effort to spend time with me, give me hugs and encouragement and listen to me, we have a special bond. My relationship with him compared to my mother is like night and day.
DITTO
Omg I could have written this myself lmao I have enough compassion to not hold any deep resentment towards my mother but long story short i feel like I wrote this word for word lmao I literally have my dad in my phone as PapaBear and always refer to him as papa bear when bringing him up in conversation with friends etc hahaha
Sometimes that comes from him treating her terrible. Just because you have a child with somebody doesn't mean you don't feel bitter by their lack of emotional connections. I'm sorry that she treated you that way. She should have had more self awareness and found herself a new man or self reflect to find peace within her self. Seriously.
@@nickvasvilla2860 I'm sure it made your mom feel left out and disconnected.
@@phenitagomes1292 I’ve grown a lot since that post, and my relationship with my mother is much better… Recently actually better than with my father. Although both are pretty solid! I just want you to know you’re 10000% right! I realized alll of that but hearing got from someone else makes it even more clear! Thank you!🙏
I am 62, almost 63, and now recently I am learning about what happened...if there is reincarnation, I am asking for parents who love me. If not, I am going to have a long chat with God about why this happened to me. Besides the distant parenting, I was also bullied at school. I am admittedly messed up as an adult as far as my two marriages and choice of mates. I tend to stay away from social stuff. BPD, albeit mild. I chalk this life up as a loss, basically.
I'm so sorry Patricia. I can't begin to say I understand the pain you must feel but I do want to encourage you that there may be some "good" or "benefit" to the pain you have experienced. Perhaps one day, if you haven't already, you will see that. I once counseled a woman your age who went through a very similar background. For 66 years of her life she could never understand why she had to experience what she did. Until one day, she realized that she had grown in many ways and was afforded emotional awareness that would help her raise her adopted family. She gained the "skill" of emotional intelligence and found a way to give what she never had to her adopted children. She was a better parent than her mother was. That was purpose for her. So I guess I am saying that despite the pain there may be purpose in your storm.
@@TherapistTamaraHill Oh my. I never expected any response. I am actually tearing up a bit. Thank you for giving some of your time to respond!
Absolutely. You're welcome! Thank you for sharing with us.
I am twenty-four years . I have suffered from severe depression for many years. When I was a child, my father took drugs and my mother was always emotional. I felt that I was bad and unworthy of being loved. I never knew why I was alive. I committed suicide. Several times, my adult life was terrible, but now I live for myself. Seeing everyone’s comments, I suddenly felt that I wasn’t so lonely anymore. I’m a Chinese. If anyone sees my comments, don’t laugh at my bad English. I also believe that in a certain space, God exists.
@@oliviasheng2459 thanks for sharing Olivia. I felt something from your comment. Connected almost.
Thank you!!! Im determined to save my relationships as an adult, I don’t have BPD but I definitely have the traits so I’m going to read up and try to save myself. There were a lot of new information in the video which helped a lot!
Good for you!! Very glad you are motivated to do this!
Emotionally detached parents comes from never having parents that were EMOTIONALLY ATTACHED themselves! We may have been emotionally attached ONLY after BIRTH. This does not guarantee a secure ATTACHMENT. Mothers do not always accept their newborns.
I was supposed to be a BOY. Instead she got a TEN pound BABY GIRL -- immediate rejection. Two weeks later her breast milk dried up.
She lied to me, always, about being breast fed. Then, one day she blurted out the truth - when she was in her 90's!
I don't want to make this about me...I only want to inform others of how our anxieties, ADHD, depression, etc. get started.
Dang, why didn't I see this 4 years ago?!!! This was so validating. I am an alcoholic, cigarette smoker, and former drug addict, as well, and even in therapeutic settings, health care professionals have just extended the abuse my parents started with the emotional invalidation that caused me to become an addict. Addicts are shamed and maligned. You can't "shame" someone into behavioral change by attacking someone for the unhealthy coping mechanism and suggest that's all the person is ("defective" and "bad"). I can count all the fingers on one hand for the times I've been told that trauma and addiction can't be treated concurrently because "alcohol changes the brain." Well, so does PTSD. Nobody would be worth their salt as a mental health professional if they argued that you can't treat trauma until the person is no longer traumatized, but by their logic, this is what they're suggesting.
I just saw this this morning on my way to a new job long story short I am both the child and parent in this scenario. And now, I understand my whole life and the life of one of my sons!
In all my 46 years- this is the best Clarity & the quickest breakdown of what's going on. With me AND my son!!!
She just read my entire life and unfortunately all of the bad traits -I exhibited and I experienced.😔😢
Now I don't know how to connect with my kids. I don't care for myself as I should either. I don't know what to do but to work to survive because I am also on child support cuz I was in a toxic relationship with their Dad for over 10 years. At least I know what's going on
Thank you for sharing your experience with us. This is helpful as a lot of people who visit this channel. You are certainly not alone in any of this. And it is great that your eyes are open and you recognize what the issue is. That's the first step forward for sure.
Wow you have explained my siblings, I walked away from my toxic family because of this mess....I had to wake up to my own trauma but talking to my siblings about what I seen in them it started WW3 it’s horrible! I’d love to share your videos with them but I’m sure they’ll laugh and throw insults back to me😩😡😟
I'm sorry to hear that. I would agree because to "laugh" and scoff at you minimizes the reality that something is and always has been wrong.
@@TherapistTamaraHill Interesting to hear that, my mum laughs and scoffs at me when I cry and beg her to just love me...I wondered what she was playing at, perhaps trying to minimize. I can't fathom how anyone can be like this.
@@jayocearmada3482 That's terrible. I'm sorry.
I soo feel you. Omg. You are not alone. They are minimize it, it's part of abuse.
@@TherapistTamaraHill I went from loveless abusive parents for 18 years
To a loveless abusive partner for almost 18 years
I'm completely broken
I've become very aggressive during disagreements
And very defensive
I left 5 times and nothing really changed it was empty promises
Literally I have no energy to even leave again
Depeleted
I've sorted laid down and died and it's really sad
I can relate to all this. Pregnant at 13 by my mums coercion. Many other dysfunctiomal patterns. High ACE score. High CEN. However, did my mum do this on purpose? No. These videos are to help us understand, not blame.
Feel the pain to heal the pain by all means. Blame indicates a willingness to stay stuck in my opinion. History is not destiny and our experiences do not define us. Good luck to everyone on their healing journeys.
True but that’s also what we saw and only knew growing up by some of our own families. It is very challenging to break the cycle if we were also surrounded by other toxic family friends and lacking any other kind of support system growing up even well into our adulthood. I think a true way to break the cycle is for us to trust our own instincts/judgements and surround ourselves with people that are really good for us and accept us for us and no pretend.
How do we heal from the emotionally unavailable upbringing?
Great question Penny! I'll talk about this a bit this coming week.
@@TherapistTamaraHill thanks Tamara!
You're welcome!
Spending the whole day watching all your last videos and this is all what we need to build a healthy life with our children and the new generation for a better future. 🔅🙏🏼
This is so needed!
Thanks love!!!
So glad you find them helpful.
So needed. Thanks!
Thank you!!
Best video I have ever seen on youtube! Thank you, you don't know how much healing you are doing to me!
💖thank you! And I'm so glad to hear this is helpful to you!
I am the adult child of an emotionally detached parent. My mother detached suddenly when she made the decision to divorce my father and it has really affected me - now even 20 years later
My parents think I am being mean, but I have been asking them, “Why did you guys want to have a kid, or kids, in the first place?!” I am not and would like kids, but also won’t have any until I feel responsible and healed enough to really be there. It feels like suffocating when they are never there and weren’t there really in childhood either!! I feel for them, it they also refuse counciling or help or to even acknowledge the issues here. Due to them not being available I ended up in a severe domestic violence relationship and trying to live independently by age 16. Of course they blame me and my behavior for almost all of these it. Now trying to cope with my anxiety and CPTSD, I see how I became a high risk youth and surely would end up with healing needed. I am now backing off regular cannabis use/self medicating since regular use since age 14. I believe both my parents (who are divorced) have NPD. They both are pathological lots, however lying is something I am allergic to. My mother is the “child of a recovered alcoholic.” They both have had very unstable employment, but do not use drugs or alcohol. I am an empath. 💟💟
Praying for you now. ❤🙏🏽
Thank you for your wisdom. I’m struggling with my childhood, my parents were born again Christians but also believed in corporal punishment, yelling, and perfectionism. They are still alive and I love them but I’m struggling with depression, my therapist is working with me on my anger, that I “stuff”. Do you have any videos about perfectionism, wanting to be the perfect child so it’s hard to conceive of God’s unconditional love? I wish I could visit you in person, you are a wonderful online source for encouragement. And of course the fact that you too are a Christian makes me deeply respect your work.
I grew up in an environment similar to yours. I have to stay close to Christ to help me combat perfectionism and unworthiness.
God , faith , church and a good community within is a great protective factor.
I grew up in an alcoholic family and my mother hated me. She denies it now, but it's hard to forget the fact that she told me to my face that she did. My inner child sometimes longs for her love and things have improved a bit. What helps me most. Is information like your video. Thank you for putting it up. Take care
I'm sorry to hear this. It is never easy to live with an alcoholic parent. As the child becomes an adult it can be increasingly more difficult to relate to the parent without underlying feelings of resentment. Educating yourself to the parent, learning about their personality style, and their defense mechanisms can be very helpful in your healing.
And thank you! Very glad this video was helpful. I also have a video on the traumatic impact of alcoholic parents if you'd like to view it.
Thanks
Triangulation and Toxic Parenting ua-cam.com/video/O5AlmonDF1A/v-deo.html
Man I could of used ur help from early 1980s to last year. I finally got some closure with my dad. Still have a hole in me I'm trying my hardest to heal and fill up with wisdom and light. Wish we could talk sometime.
My parents broke me and I'm just now dealing with all of this my mom and dad are dysfunctional and growing up I seen and heard them fight a lot and they would bring me and my big brother into it mostly me I get called a liar even when I'm telling the truth still to this day my brother is there favorite there golden child and I'm the black sheep he betrayed me growing up still to this day I want nothing to do with him or our parents don't get me wrong I love my family but I'm not dealing with them once once my brother knew he was there favorite he started to lie on me get me into trouble just because he felt like it and him and our other family members would bully me my own so called family members where my first bullys I would get bullied for having lighter skin I've had my hair cut I've been used abused and mistreated I grew up suicidal and depressed I still struggle with depression from time to time and I try to nip people pleasing into a bud this is just a little of what happened to me growing up and I'm only 20 trying to fix and undo all of this trama I have faced I pray god has mercy on my soul
I'm sorry to hear this. This is awful.
You are not alone in your situation as many of my clients struggled with this as children. It's a terrifying experience when a child realizes that their parent or parents are unhealthy, emotionally detached, and narcissistic. I don't use the word "narcissistic" lightly. I mean narcissistic in the sense that the parent (parents) don't see the error of their ways because of a series of emotional and psychological barriers that are raised in response to the environment. I am also regarding parents who lack the capacity to love because their own issues are so present in their mind. I'm afraid to tell you that the best way to deal with unhealthy parents like this is to build distance into the relationship and love (if you can) from afar.
Schema therapy is very helpful for me and I really relate to your story. I’m 45 and my mother still lets my narcissistic brother treat me just like our dad did.. I’m learning to love myself after a major 18 month journey after a devastating breakup xx good luck to everyone who is growing xx
My older sister because of the dysfunction was my bully . She blames me for everything even though she no it was our parents but because she needs there validation and her inner self feed she can’t go there . I feel your pain I also internalised suicidal thoughts and evil thoughts
This happened to me, too. And it still does, 29 years old and my mum called me a liar just tonight at my house after I told her myself and my siblings are all affected by how emotionally absent she behaves. She just said "what? you're a liar". Great response.. Seems to be her go-to. It damaged me deeply, growing up. I tried to report violence happening in my home to police and she told them I was lying, one of the officers then pat me on the shoulder and said "I hope you get the help you need" as in psychiatric help because apparently I was insane. My dad had just punched me in the face and I am suddenly insane and making it up, it destroyed my brain, I didn't know I was being gaslighted until I researched it when older. I was always a liar, my sister also was the favorite and would lie to get me in trouble saying I hurt her, then I was locked in my room for hours when I refused to say sorry for something I didn't actually do. I feel your pain, frusteration, anger, pleas, I've been through it too and I feel so sad for you going through it all, aswell. I have tried so many medications and tried so hard to tell myself to just try harder and keep pushing on, but theres a huge ball of festering anguish inside of me that just won't go away. Been through way too much. my latest diagnosis was ADHD, been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, PTSD, tentative personality disorder unknown, that's it so far because I don't like seeing professionals, they don't usually do a very good job. I am seeing a psychologist at the moment but we've barely gotten anywhere and it costs heaps. I think I need to be prayed for, too. I hope both of us somehow get through this, it's honestly seeming impossible. Starting gym kind of helped me, made me feel productive and healthy and gave me some energy? Gardening helps a bit..being in nature and such..I dunno.
Hi Tamara, just came across your videos the last couple days and I love your stuff! Very helpful! I'm a 20 year clinical psychologist and your content is both useful and inspiring for me, giving me ideas for my own videos on my channel, so a big THANK YOU!
Thank you so much!!☺And you're welcome. That's so good to hear! Glad to have another colleagues on the channel. I will check out your channel too.
I’m 23 now. I’ve done some soul searching finding out who I am and have learned so much about myself but it wasn’t until I met my current bf of 2 years that I really started to understand I may be borderline, I have EVERY symptom. Although he thinks I’m bipolar .. who knows yet. I hope I can talk to a therapist soon. I moved away from home at 20 and I will never go back. I always felt I was to mature and would never hurt my friends the way they hurt me but I didn’t know that it was only because I was forced to grow up so fast that I may have just been more mature than them. Even when I told them what I was going through .. they say “wow..” or “that’s so sad!” Or hell.. maybe even stop talking to me simple because of what I’ve dealt with. On top of that I had bullies and I couldn’t talk to any adult because that was long crushed when I was a child. Hell, even when I was a toddler I was mistreated by the women at my daycare simply because they didn’t like my mother!
I truly believe my grandma could be bipolar and my mother either the same, narcissist or borderline.. mental illness is NEVER talked about!
Everything I know now, I learned from research, and my boyfriend finally telling me “that’s not a normal childhood” 😔
My dad was absent. Never answered the phone when I called, would only come to the house to see my mother because I believe he truly still loves her but how can you love her and not the baby you created?(I lived at my grandmas she eventually moved out and let only my siblings and my mom stay.. tbh she was my mothers enabler even tho she screamed to the top of her lungs to me a child how she hated her guts) when I was 20 he took me to get a paternity test to prove I wasn’t his even tho HE KNEW I WAS.. he thinks it’s time to be in my life now and that I just have to accept him like he didn’t treat me like dirt? Nah. My mom beat it into my head that he didn’t love me!
My mom had countless men in and out of the house, told me to stay in my room, she locked her door and never came out unless she was leaving. The only “bonding time” we had was her getting ready to leave to go to the club. She even missed holidays with her kids! She never had a steady job and always quit if she felt like it. Her feelings always mattered over mine. “You don’t know what depressed feels like!” Same with my grandma “Idc what you say, you just want to hear yourself talk!” Or even hitting me. My mom was the black sheep and I believe I was also the black sheep. I had to be a mother to my siblings because she was never there and even if she was she let her mom force me to clean the WHOLE house everyday and take the blame for her and anything my siblings did. My grandma would try to force me to choose her over my mom..Don’t get me started on the domestic violence she brought constantly that, I , more than my siblings witnessed and was even evolved in. These “parents” don’t really care about me, I had no adult I could “look up to” , I didn’t trust adults and because of how she treated me for a long time I was scared of ALL adults and even now I battle with feeling like I’m still a kid. Because she told me constantly how I’m not an adult until I’m 18. And even after that she continued to control my life until I finally moved.
Even when I told both my parents I was raped it was like they shrugged it off. “I’m so sorry.. I wish I was there.. I’m gonna blah blah” then never do a damn thing or just don’t even say they’ll do anything. It took me 2 years to tell them but for what?
There’s just so much but this is to long already!!!
I know I have extreme depression and anxiety , abandonment issues and so on.. nows finding the right therapist!
I loved this video!
Thank you for sharing this with us. It is quite obvious that your family has dealt a lot with trauma and intergenerational trauma. It is important that you are able to identify the problem as you have here. I would say that this is bravery and resilience for sure. I would search for a therapist who understands intergenerational trauma, cultural influence, and healing trauma. A therapist can say they are "experts" in any subject they choose but the TRUE test is when you schedule that first appointment and begin the work.
Take care
Támara Hill, MS NCC CCTP LPC thank you!! 🙏
You're welcome!
I can relate to the first and last one unstable identity and work personally
So tough. Never easy.
Hi Doctor💛 I have not heard the chemical words before, but you are knocking. I feel you and I understand. Thanks 👍🏾
A lot of people put down religion but I think the church provided the structure and support I desperately needed to survive. I think I needed somewhere to belong, a parent to love me. God was that parent. I lost my faith around 19 and that was about the time I began to have problems.
YES! I agree with this. If you can rely on a supportive, honest, and truly God-faring church or group of people that, in and of itself, is a blessing. Knowing God for who He truly is -- and not what religiosity tells us He is-- is wonderful. That relationship is everything.
Incredible information Tamara; thank you!
I just bought a book almost titled this exactly .Sadly I think my parents are emotionally immature but I am too
Thanks For Sharing!
You're welcome !
I'm really bingedrinking your content thank you
You're welcome Ben!! Thank you for that. I'm glad these videos are helpful.
Thank you so much for sharing these video's with us! I just came across you & your video's just recently & I really get allot out of them! Wishing you manny blessings & abundance. ..
You are so welcome! And thank you. 😊
Very glad these are helping. Blessings to you!
Grew up in a split home getting thrown back and forth. Mostly because whoever had me got to claim me on their taxes and thats all that mattered to them. Ended up with my mom, after getting disowned by my dad for being gay. She brought a constant herd of meth heads, alcoholics, and abusers around me. Now I just don't feel much, I've never felt like I love someone except one person who broke the hell out of me. I over analyze things and don't feel like I'm ever being genuine. The thing that just stays in my head is the last thing my dad said "you'll never find someone who actually loves you" what sucks the most is so far he's right
Sometimes people don’t understand mental illness. But in saying that when you have a parent that has done and supported you through everything. But when a parents get a mental illness, you cannot blame your parent for everything, learn what is happening to them ,show compassion, and love, don’t just throw them away because it’s too hard. Remember what they have done for you, when times got hard ……. Did they throw you away.
I have tried to stay strong for several years but I feel I’m breaking down gradually…Everything seem to be going on well for me financially as a young lady but I lack love and support from my mother..My mother never showed me love and support and that hurt me emotionally,I understand her perfectly well as mothers have their own lives to live but I’m not to be blamed for all this i’m i?am 27 and I don’t even feel like having a child or anything to do with a man,I prefer being all alone,I know I’m going to end this sooner or later
Connect with someone you respect. Someone that shows compassion and that's wise. Different ppl teaches us what our parents couldn't. Also better connections that helps us grow into to our greater self. Don't worry about men and baring children until you feel ready. It's not a race but in the mean time stay healthy if you would ever change your mind. Choose the ppl(even family) you want close to you wisely and try finding things that makes you happy bc there will be plenty of alone time. You have to be comfortable with your own company. Practice make stability in all aspects of life. Praying for you now. 🙏🏽❤
This probably doesn’t apply to me because my parents always gave me great morals like “good boys get more in this world than bad boys”
That’s not just a device to keep me behaving as a young child but literally a guiding principle of life.
Good point @Rachel Tucker. That's a point many people seem to confuse.
All facts ma'am 💪 thank you kindly
My pleasure 😊
How do I work on the damage I have done to my children? If that hasn't been covered, it could be a great topic.
Damn you called me a trainwreck sigh but I accept and shall grow even more...I take responsibility even with all that happen because I learn life is unfair and fair to us all
You're so sincere. Thank you!
Thank you Marina! 🙂 You're welcome.
Good video. Thanks for sharing.
Thak you😊 And you're welcome!
Amazing.. this is my first time on your channel and I haven't watched this video yet.. just the one about anger and your information is so valuable and it's been hard to find someone that can explain it like you do. Very professional very excellent material and knowledge thank you so much
😊🥰 Thanks so much. Glad this was helpful and welcome to the channel!
My parents were toxic 15 and 18 so I didn’t do those things I was an over protective mother my kids are more disfunctional. My husband set no boundaries made me look crazy
Michelle, It's really difficult to do anything with a spouse who goes opposite to your wishes. That's difficult. I'm sorry to hear this.
You are a Godsend!
Thank you!! I don't know how I missed this comment. 😊
I have tried my whole life to be close to my mom 💔
💔 I'm so sorry. Never an easy pill to swallow.
Yea hun I feel you. I’ve had it with trying to make a connection with my mother. There were so many times when I needed her emotionally and she dismissed or mocked me. I’m living with her currently but I’ll be leaving next year. Time for me to give myself the environment I deserve ❤️ Best of luck to you!
i definitely suffered all of those risk factors thanks to a detached "mother". This was accurate as i don't know what. my mother still hates me til this day as soon as i called her out on it and addressed the issue. She can't even look at me.
I'm sorry. It's never easy to have a parent like this. You are always going to be last on their list.
Hey interesting video. Any suggestions or material on How do you create or find your identity ?
LOVEEE this question!! 💞💞
The Bible finding our identity in Christ
Amen! @autumnonpurpose! And I would also look for books on existentialism or an existential psychotherapist.
All I know is I learned that my mom is narcissistic. Possibly even have narcissistic personality disorder. Anyway she was crowding out my personal space at every turn when I went to visit her this past weekend. It was really weird and quite annoying to say the least.
This video describes me exactly am 30 and my 15 years sister is pregnant and I don't think am ever going to speak to my mother again.
I can’t get in touch with you..if you see this May you respond (I want to talk to you ..im ready to tell everything)hey everyone on this page hope y’all are healthy and strong and making every day count peace and blessings hugs
Hi there,
Please feel free to email me at contact@anchoredinknowledge.com. I'm working on emails every weekend to catch up.
I was a bad liar coming up. And the reason is simple. Getting to the point, I was very mischievous. I felt like I had to lie because the truth comes with the same belt-whoopin. In other words, telling the honest truth came with the same outcome as being caught in a lie. So logically, I was guaranteed a whoopin if I told the truth and had a 50/50 shot at not getting a whoopin if I told a lie.
So, no wonder why I'd lie so much.
my mom is a very troubled women. I think the fact that she is a felon and is nothing more than that effects her mindset greatly but most definitely the mindset she developed growing up also effects her a lot. This past January I had let her into my life and for the first time I genuinely got to give her a Mother’s Day gift out of love. The day right before my graduation though she started an argument over nothing really.. just telling me and my bf to be quiet Bc it was night time but in the most immature way ever. She didn’t show up to my graduation ceremony because she was “mad at me”. But I really think she is just jealous of how much different I turned out compare to her at my age. She also had the audacity to go to my graduation party all dolled up like she ever did anything!!! For me to get to this celebration in my life. Maybe I’m being mean but this situation has really effected me. Especially when she pretended like nothing happened after leaving nasty text messages in my inbox..I know she has problems..I hope one day she can be nice to me and not have our relationship crumble not to long after.
Very helpful for a young therapist, Tamara!
Thank you! Glad this is helpful!
I just encountered your channel. I like the simple and yet rich examples you give in your informative presentations. I have some of questions: Is there a new theory of raising children with detachment?! Or is it an individual approach of some parents? What would you suggest a grandparent do when observing detachment of parent towards a child - my daughter in law towards our young grandchild? Thank you and blessings!
Thank you for watching! And welcome.
You may find my article helpful cor your question:
blogs.psychcentral.com/caregivers/2018/01/10-signs-of-having-an-emotionally-unstable-unavailable-parent/.
I am not familiar with any particular theory as there are multiple theories on parenting today.
Pointing out detachment is difficult, especially with a parent who is defensive. But I always suggest having an honest conversation and using objective examples of the detachment.
Take care
Támara Hill, MS NCC CCTP LPC thank you for acknowledging my comment. I get the picture. I am in a need of a suggestion on how to approach the issue so steps for improvement can be taken. I have made subtle comments and am trying to provide some of the love and attention the baby needs. I am not FT with the baby though and clearly, I cannot replace the parent for life she needs to be herself. Do I involve her physician, her friends and family to try to influence therapy, to help her attend classes for young parents?! Thank you!
Absolutely. You're welcome!
I would consider talking to her directly and abandoning hints and subtle comments because they're easier to ignore. If you can, and have legal right, I would share concerns with the pediatrician.
You may also find this helpful: pepparent.org/
Thank you :)
You're welcome!
I feel like my situation is different but I can't seem to find the right classification. My parents were largely absent when I was little because of work and I actually lived with my grandparents in a different town for years while my parents visited on some weekends. My parents were loving when I was with them but my heart broke every time they had to leave and I'd regularly cry my eyes out because I missed them so much. Later when I started secondary school at 7 and moved back in with them, after my brother was born, soon after they started having regular arguments and their marriage started shaking and I could see and feel that which in turn affected my self esteem in school etc. Later at the age of 12 my mom and I moved to another country while my dad stayed behind and they spent the next 7 years trying to finalise their divorce. While I'm on good terms with both, I didn't live with my dad since my 12th and only saw him during holidays a few times a year, at 19 my mom and I had a huge rift in our relationship when she got a new boyfriend and decided I wasn't mature and independent enough so she started pushing me away till I moved out of the house. I've always felt like I never got to spend enough quality time with my parents in life and that's been reflected in my relationships as an adult. I've only had 3 more serious relationships so far, the first one starting when I was 18 and breaking my romantic innocent notions of love as the guy I was with only wanted physical fun but didn't return my feelings. After spending 7 years single, repulsed by emotional attachment and having casual physical encounters only, I finally felt ready to give it another go, thinking I've outgrown the past, only to end up with another 2 relationships where I fall hard for the guy I'm with and with them not returning my feelings, or at least not to the extend of my own feelings. It hurts me intensely every time, yet at the moment I'm still in that relationship, as I've decided I'm not going to run away. I want to learn the lesson I'm supposed to and I want to use the opportunity to heal what I can while I'm still in this situation (because I feel leaving and finding somebody else isn't going to solve my internal problems and I'll keep falling into the same pattern again). But how..? How do I heal?
If you can afford it seek therapy. It really does help to bounce ideas off another who isn't clouded by family ties or hormones. You can not change what you don't understand and history repeats itself. You were raised by dysfunctional parents (so was i) and without the guidance of another will raise a family like you learned growing up from yours.
It would be extremely beneficial to talk to another who has seen it before and is trained. First determine if gender matters (do you feel safer to open up to a man or woman?) Then if you have insurance search the web for local shrinks and find one that has training for that and accepts your insurance.
No insurance? If not contact your local health department (in USA) and ask if they offer counseling on a sliding scale. Or look up other councilors in your area that offer a sliding scale.
Sliding scale is used to determine cost for those without insurance. It's based off of yearly income. The more you make in a year the more it cost.....the less you make the cheaper it is to always fit in anyone's budget (ideally)
If you can't right now just keep watching UA-cam videos on the subject and if you like reading look up self help books at your library (for free)
God is good!... U will heal... ❤️
Amen. Be it His will, healing is possible.
Great video
Thank you! Glad this was helpful!
therapy won't work with this family
This is so helpful.
Very glad this was helpful. Thank you!
When they tell you they dont do pity
Thank you so much
You're most welcome!!
I would say pathological liars are because in childhood they had to constantly lie about their home life. Maybe lying that their home life was different to what it was and then constantly playing and adding onto the lie.
Pathological liars sometimes come from rich families and sometimes from families where all they had was attention. This is why research on this topic is difficult and so slim because pathological liars are not well understood. Some scholars, philosophers, and psychologists have tried to study the patterns, behaviors, and thought processes of pathological liars but it isn't easy. We need more research.
Have you done a video on adult children of alcoholics and then their children, inter generational mental health problems?
I only touched on that topic once. They are listed below:
1. ua-cam.com/video/m_lLuhYDe4c/v-deo.html
I probably need to go back to this topic at some point in the future.
I agree with most of what you say but I tried to change my life and escape as you say but my siblings haven't and tried ti bring me down to thier level and they've got jealous and havent seen me for year .Its hurtful and I've had ti start again like I don't have siblings cause they couldnt move forward x
How can you find and strengthen your identity?
My mother is a nasty combination of Livia Soprano and Lucille Bluth and my father was an angry, violent, unpleasant, emotionally detached, completely oblivious person...
This is so difficult. I'm sorry.
I have a question Ms. Hill
What can a person do if they were the person that was emotionally detached (new grandparent) and it has caused my daughter to be detached from her child. How can this be fixed
I'm not sure I understand the question clearly but I will attempt to answer.
Emotional detachment can't be "learned." In other words, it isn't something that someone can view another person doing and then become the same way. Even if the person's behavior appears detached from the child, emotional attachment can still occur. So there is something going on with the daughter emotionally to be detached. Post partum depression maybe? Anxiety? This is something that should be discussed with a therapist who understands new moms or the child's pediatrician.
I hope this is helpful.
I agree with all EXCEPT the marijuana... I don’t see an issue with that. I don’t smoke it because I just don’t like it but I don’t see an issue with smoking it. I have more of a problem with cigarettes than MJ
Thanks for sharing your view.
I think a lot of people believe marijuana is completely harmless. The reality, from a brain perspective (neurological) is that receptors in the brain react negatively to the properties in adolescent brains. In adult brains there are still risks. No drug we take in is completely harmless. That may have been where I was coming from.
Damn , I feel read . But I’m workin on it . Stopped smokin weed . I did get knocked up by a loser though , coincidentally during a time I was lost and my mind was all over the place after feeling abused by my mother . Healing day by day . Feels like a mutation , like I’m shedding a skin
I'm sorry Les. It can feel like you are shedding skin in a way. As long as you are making real and lasting changes and progress, you will be okay!
those kind of videos open Pandora's box!
🤣🤔
interesting video ✅
This information has the potential to be so helpful ! I'm weary of the way things are spoken of as so scary or tragic though
So how do I fix this?
What if my guidance councilor suggest my parents i need to see a expert
But my parents gets mad at me for thag...
That's tough because if you feel you need the help and the school does as well, then you should get that help. Depending on where you are from, there are some areas that allow 14 year olds to pursue mental health treatment without the permission of their parent. In my state, 14 year olds can include or not include their parents. This, of course, has pros and cons. But for those teens who feel they need treatment and the parents get upset at the thought and may disapprove, a parents input won't stop things.
Please make more videos
👍👍
Any advice on how to fix lying? It's ruining a of mt relationships
If I am understanding your question correctly: I would say getting treatment from an experienced psychotherapist may be helpful. Opening up about when you tell lies and under what circumstances. Sometimes there are deep-seeded issues that are pushing this behavior.
9:23
SOME people get out?? 😳😳
Your mother is not the universe. Get over it. She has no harm to the world that you’re gonna live.
A bit philosophical but that’s what said to myself today after talking with my rude mother and being frustrated.
She’s not my everything.
I’m not only made by her ,so it’s okay.
Thisss. I totally see how that helps you, it’s true!
Your comment/Aunty Betty advice is unnecessary and actually very toxic. You never tell a victim of abuse to just get over it. You guide the child/adult into understanding that what happened was not their fault. That they are important, needed and wanted.
Dismissive response to others pain. People are allowed to feel whatever they are feeling.
I agree with the comments here toward @dailypurity. I suppose their response, from a psychological perspective, is indicative of their own false and unhealthy coping style. It may also be something they were told to do as well. This response deserves pitty.
29 yrs, 6'1'' 120 lb. Cant take care of myself anymore. Im a sad broken man now. No goal in life.
I'm sorry to hear this. This is tough indeed. I really do hope that things change for you in some way: Psychotherapy, spiritual counseling, self-help books, etc. can all be helpful jumpstarters. I might talk about how to get motivated in the next few videos
U matter!
I am an internaliser so I have managed to nurture my girls and have the best relationship with them (their words)I was determined for them to have everything I didn't.
You had me until your anti-cannabis rhetoric, sounds very boomer and D.A.R.E. Cannabis is not hard drugs nor does it mean that if someone does it they are damaged, a delinquent or have been abused in the past.
I know it's hard to hear this because a lot of supporters are for it. But we can't knock the research that says it's bad on the brain - especially for developing adolescents with half a brain developed. americanaddictioncenters.org/marijuana-rehab/effects-of-marijuana-on-teenage-brain. I only discuss facts on this channel so I probably brought that up for a reason?