In my experience the narc parent has an obligation to feed and clothe their children and that is it. You owe them because they've fed you and put clothes on your back but that's the job done as far as they're concerned. Now you owe them. Baffling really.
Before I got into private practice, I used to see a lot of parents who were narcissistic and emotionally unavailable. The trauma they caused their children all the way into adulthood was heartbreaking.
Thank you for sharing your videos. My parents were done with me at 0 (father) and 4 (mother). You give me some closure. I was the eldest child. My mind's so messed up i don't even know where to start so I just watch your videos over and over and try to understand.... Thank u
My mother is exactly like that, through and through. The only thing that has worked so far is zero contact, because she takes and takes and doesn't give anything back without an agenda of ultimate control.
Tamara, you nailed it 100%. Your description IS the narcissistic parent lived experience. I now also believe you can have one fully narcissistic parent (as you describe), and the other parent who is kind, but also loves narcissistic personalities, so brushes over the harm they cause, or keep ‘fixing’ it.
Tamara you are spot on in your videos. Thanks for sharing your knowledge and I wish I saw your channel years ago. This is so refreshing and you are spot on in every single video that I have viewed. Thanks for all your insight.
@Tamara I watch many ytubers who are survivors of narc abuse but many have agreed with me when I comment as a narc victim myself that in particular black narc moms/dads should have their own separate mental health categories specifically. When I make this comment on various videos nearly all have agreed and I am wondering how you feel about that from what you have seen in your practice.
This is interesting. I'm not sure exactly what you mean. If I'm understanding correctly you are saying that you feel that African American parents who are narcissists should have their own category within the mental health world? I don't know about that because we would need a separate category for Hispanic Americans, Native Americans, Jamaicans, Africans, Chinese, Asian Americans, etc. While African Americans tend to be somewhat socialized differently what remains the same in the category of narcissism is a general lack of empathy, understanding, and warm. That has little to do with race. How people of color respond in their environments and display narcissism may be different but that doesn't mean they are sooooo different that they need a separate category. That might be rather stigmatizing and do little good for a group of people who are already highly stigmatized. Every narcissist is different and the umbrella term "narcissism" may entail many kinds of narcissists within many ethnic cultures. Again, does this mean they need a stigmatizing separate category? I don't know! Great question!
@@TherapistTamaraHill Thank you for your response but perhaps due to slavery it may have affected black people a certain way as its been said that traumatic experiences do indeed change your dna but I watch many videos on narcissism from black people who are victims and it seems a bit more vicious and regardless of ethnicity it seems to be the same viciousness across the board when it comes to black narcisstic parents. I dont know, im not an expert which is why I posed the question to you. For example, I know a black woman whos mom was in the church all day every day and still came home to rage and physically abuse this black woman. I wonder is self hate makes the abuse more viscous.
Usually the particular individual expects all the attention to evolve around them I think this is true along with most achievements are accomplished only with that parent. Anything less is usually the norm in these type of circumstances.
Yes, very true. It's sad but some of these parents push their kids into sports or dance and other activities so they can live vicariously through them. It's an ego boost. "I build this..."
Thank you for this I always wondered why I had emotional problems after my Grandma denied and complained when I needed assistance to go to University after high school even though she had the resources to help , I am her only biological Granddaughter after my Dad her only child died when I was a year old my Mom was not working and I always did well in my school years and showed her my results every-time I went there for holidays and I was always a well behaved child had my teen issues but grew up mature, but that was downhill for me from then in my emotional life and I always felt guilty about why I had this depression from my University times until now , had a baby in Uni and Baby Daddy abandoned me , managed to get myself up but all those emotions got triggered in my adult years after getting into relationships with people who didn’t treat me right and I stayed cause I’m so afraid of abandonment and I never understood these emotions until now, I feel like I had to parent myself most of my life and feel I’m expected to take care of the adults in my family, I’m on road to recovery and take ownership for all my decisions, but it hurts the truth hurts 😢
For so many years i felt worthless. Hated myself. Didn't understand why my mother never had emotions for me other than negativity. I felt so unloved and unworthy for so long. My parents never taught me anything. They didn't care about my pain. To be honest i have no idea who she is and she doesn't understand me either. My father has similar issues but we've had more of a connection..but he supports my mother. They said my whole child hood you are out of here at 18, but would laugh about it. My father is infamous for saying harmful things and laughing. I thought it was me all these years until recently wndni thank my narcissistic ex for waking me up. I had a much deeper connection to here than my mother ever. Her fake loving bombing was more attention and care my mother ever gave me. I am healing...i am growing, but im also giving myself time and grace because i literally hated myself for decades. I wouldn't wish my pain on my worse enemy and i pray all that go through this heal. You are worthy of loving yourself.
I'm so sorry you have experienced this in a "mother" figure. That's one of the most painful things to experience. No one expects their mother to be this way and to treat them with such false emotion and concern. I do hope you have found peace on this journey, despite the family dynamic you have. It's difficult but not impossible to move forward and sometimes move forward past the emotionally unavailable family figure. I don't know if this would be helpful, but you may want to watch my video on emotionally unavailable parents here: ua-cam.com/users/liveLuwg7iCu-jI. I talk more about this concept in this live chat.
@@TherapistTamaraHill thank you. I am grateful and wish not one thing happened differently in my life. Not one thing. Not getting it from my parents forced me to find a deeper spiritual understanding which I probably wouldn't have needed to find if I was properly loved and cared for. They all gave me everything I needed to "wake up" my soul. I am blessed, grateful and humble. After decades of negative emotions of myself I know it will take time, but I am here for the journey. Peace, love and abundance 🖤
This is my father all over. Screams & yells , belittles & abuses you for the fact they've never been a parents a'hole. I cut him off , & am now 40. My other siblings I warned them he hasn't changed, they didn't listen but now they are seeing what he's like. I can't even recall one time he ever praised me, but is always quick to put me down. He left the family & abandoned us when I turned 17 after he got himself through diplomas & what not after been a labourer all his life, then thought he was too good for us. Now he's married to a woman as cold & nasty as him & he still would rather keep her happy then work on a relationship with his own blood kids as she wants out kept at a distance as if we never existed.
I think you forgot one important aspect and that is they corner you can viciously attack in such a manner that totally confuses you. Why? I don't know, may be because your achievements and or independence are threatening there imaginary God like status
I adore your channel 💕 Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us. Hope you’re well and safe 🙏🏽
Thank you! 😊💞You too!
Glad to have you on the channel.
In my experience the narc parent has an obligation to feed and clothe their children and that is it. You owe them because they've fed you and put clothes on your back but that's the job done as far as they're concerned. Now you owe them. Baffling really.
Before I got into private practice, I used to see a lot of parents who were narcissistic and emotionally unavailable. The trauma they caused their children all the way into adulthood was heartbreaking.
Yeah you’re talking about me
Thank you for sharing your videos. My parents were done with me at 0 (father) and 4 (mother). You give me some closure. I was the eldest child. My mind's so messed up i don't even know where to start so I just watch your videos over and over and try to understand.... Thank u
The harm that my parents have caused me and my brother is now filtering to my child. I refuse to allow them to squash their grandchild's self-esteem.
Same here, Key is to remove the supply from the Narcissist and detach!!!!!
I have a difficult parent and the only way for me was going zero contact and am glad I did.
I know what you mean. Sadly, that's the only way to peace of mind.
My mother is exactly like that, through and through. The only thing that has worked so far is zero contact, because she takes and takes and doesn't give anything back without an agenda of ultimate control.
Tamara, you nailed it 100%. Your description IS the narcissistic parent lived experience. I now also believe you can have one fully narcissistic parent (as you describe), and the other parent who is kind, but also loves narcissistic personalities, so brushes over the harm they cause, or keep ‘fixing’ it.
This is so validating and could help me or anyone from unaliving themselves when the self gaslighting gets too heavy. Thank you ❤
🤗you're welcome! So glad thiswas helpful.
Tamara you are spot on in your videos. Thanks for sharing your knowledge and I wish I saw your channel years ago. This is so refreshing and you are spot on in every single video that I have viewed. Thanks for all your insight.
Thank you so much! 💖 And you're welcome.
Welcome to the channel!
@Tamara I watch many ytubers who are survivors of narc abuse but many have agreed with me when I comment as a narc victim myself that in particular black narc moms/dads should have their own separate mental health categories specifically. When I make this comment on various videos nearly all have agreed and I am wondering how you feel about that from what you have seen in your practice.
I don't think race has to be apart of everything. Narcissism is narcissism. How does race make that differen?
I agree. Its a certain way we have to handle it.
@@truth4utoda I'm curious as to why you are commenting on this person's experience? Do you have a Black parent yourself or no?
This is interesting. I'm not sure exactly what you mean. If I'm understanding correctly you are saying that you feel that African American parents who are narcissists should have their own category within the mental health world?
I don't know about that because we would need a separate category for Hispanic Americans, Native Americans, Jamaicans, Africans, Chinese, Asian Americans, etc. While African Americans tend to be somewhat socialized differently what remains the same in the category of narcissism is a general lack of empathy, understanding, and warm. That has little to do with race. How people of color respond in their environments and display narcissism may be different but that doesn't mean they are sooooo different that they need a separate category. That might be rather stigmatizing and do little good for a group of people who are already highly stigmatized. Every narcissist is different and the umbrella term "narcissism" may entail many kinds of narcissists within many ethnic cultures. Again, does this mean they need a stigmatizing separate category? I don't know!
Great question!
@@TherapistTamaraHill Thank you for your response but perhaps due to slavery it may have affected black people a certain way as its been said that traumatic experiences do indeed change your dna but I watch many videos on narcissism from black people who are victims and it seems a bit more vicious and regardless of ethnicity it seems to be the same viciousness across the board when it comes to black narcisstic parents. I dont know, im not an expert which is why I posed the question to you. For example, I know a black woman whos mom was in the church all day every day and still came home to rage and physically abuse this black woman. I wonder is self hate makes the abuse more viscous.
Usually the particular individual expects all the attention to evolve around them I think this is true along with most achievements are accomplished only with that parent. Anything less is usually the norm in these type of circumstances.
Yes, very true. It's sad but some of these parents push their kids into sports or dance and other activities so they can live vicariously through them. It's an ego boost. "I build this..."
Thank you for this I always wondered why I had emotional problems after my Grandma denied and complained when I needed assistance to go to University after high school even though she had the resources to help , I am her only biological Granddaughter after my Dad her only child died when I was a year old my Mom was not working and I always did well in my school years and showed her my results every-time I went there for holidays and I was always a well behaved child had my teen issues but grew up mature, but that was downhill for me from then in my emotional life and I always felt guilty about why I had this depression from my University times until now , had a baby in Uni and Baby Daddy abandoned me , managed to get myself up but all those emotions got triggered in my adult years after getting into relationships with people who didn’t treat me right and I stayed cause I’m so afraid of abandonment and I never understood these emotions until now, I feel like I had to parent myself most of my life and feel I’m expected to take care of the adults in my family, I’m on road to recovery and take ownership for all my decisions, but it hurts the truth hurts 😢
For so many years i felt worthless. Hated myself. Didn't understand why my mother never had emotions for me other than negativity. I felt so unloved and unworthy for so long. My parents never taught me anything. They didn't care about my pain. To be honest i have no idea who she is and she doesn't understand me either. My father has similar issues but we've had more of a connection..but he supports my mother. They said my whole child hood you are out of here at 18, but would laugh about it. My father is infamous for saying harmful things and laughing. I thought it was me all these years until recently wndni thank my narcissistic ex for waking me up. I had a much deeper connection to here than my mother ever. Her fake loving bombing was more attention and care my mother ever gave me. I am healing...i am growing, but im also giving myself time and grace because i literally hated myself for decades. I wouldn't wish my pain on my worse enemy and i pray all that go through this heal. You are worthy of loving yourself.
I'm so sorry you have experienced this in a "mother" figure. That's one of the most painful things to experience. No one expects their mother to be this way and to treat them with such false emotion and concern. I do hope you have found peace on this journey, despite the family dynamic you have. It's difficult but not impossible to move forward and sometimes move forward past the emotionally unavailable family figure. I don't know if this would be helpful, but you may want to watch my video on emotionally unavailable parents here: ua-cam.com/users/liveLuwg7iCu-jI.
I talk more about this concept in this live chat.
@@TherapistTamaraHill thank you. I am grateful and wish not one thing happened differently in my life. Not one thing. Not getting it from my parents forced me to find a deeper spiritual understanding which I probably wouldn't have needed to find if I was properly loved and cared for. They all gave me everything I needed to "wake up" my soul. I am blessed, grateful and humble. After decades of negative emotions of myself I know it will take time, but I am here for the journey. Peace, love and abundance 🖤
This is my father all over.
Screams & yells , belittles & abuses you for the fact they've never been a parents a'hole. I cut him off , & am now 40. My other siblings I warned them he hasn't changed, they didn't listen but now they are seeing what he's like.
I can't even recall one time he ever praised me, but is always quick to put me down. He left the family & abandoned us when I turned 17 after he got himself through diplomas & what not after been a labourer all his life, then thought he was too good for us. Now he's married to a woman as cold & nasty as him & he still would rather keep her happy then work on a relationship with his own blood kids as she wants out kept at a distance as if we never existed.
I think you forgot one important aspect and that is they corner you can viciously attack in such a manner that totally confuses you. Why? I don't know, may be because your achievements and or independence are threatening there imaginary God like status
Thank you 😢I really needed this
You're welcome!! 😊
Thanks for the clarification 👍
I hate to say it but my mother in law is this way to all of her boys. She has 6 and she has hit each of these signs. So sad.
I'm sorry to hear this. Very tough for in-laws.
🔥
😁