How Did Your Parents Mess You Up? | Fiona Douglas | TEDxPuxi
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- Опубліковано 2 січ 2018
- Parenting is always a reflection of our best selves and our worst selves. Despite good intentions and efforts, every parent has deficits which can harm children with lifelong trauma and even death. Fiona Douglas suggests a way to remedy parental deficits so that all children can experience safer and more secure childhoods. Fiona Douglas is an advocate for greater awareness of child abuse and domestic violence issues. Over the past ten years, Fiona has supported hundreds of people in crisis in the UK and in China. Most importantly, she has been inspired by the courage of people living in crisis, and the power of conversations to change lives. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx
*Every child deserves a parent but not every parent deserves a child*
sad but true.
So true
This is extremely powerful
Yep
So truee
My family acts beautiful and friendly when we have visitors and when no one is here visiting, it’s all screaming and never respecting ones opinions. I’m really tired.
ToxxSick Lemons it’s an unexplainable kinda tired parents can put u through
I'm sorry to hear that
That's true. ..
You Will leave someday, until that day just ignore them and spend more of your time outside that house developing yourself. Work, go to a park, hangout with some real friend. Nothing last for ever.
Same.
I'm terrified of having kids because I don't want to end up mirroring my own mother.
same. but honestly, i’m investing time in identifying my defects that mirror my parents’ behavior and learning to correct them so i will never ever act like this again. i’m learning to completely reject these behaviors and seek the opposite. it’s mind opening.
Buy a dog first
Besides that I don't want to bring a child in this cruelty of world
yeah ure right i always feel like that too, i ever think like... i dont wanna have a child cause i dont wanna dissapoint them like my parents do to me
Guys let me give you a diffrent angle, I was Bullied by my dad and had the same fears about having children. Now that I have had two beutiful girls I have realised I am far more empathetic and understanding because of my experiance. We know exactly what not to do. My relationship with my chidren is stronger than anyone else.
You are an expert at spotting and identifying your childs needs as you know what you didnt receive. The fact you recognise your faults belive me put you in the top 10% of the population. Stay strong guys I love you all.
My mother is a good role model..... She's everything I don't want to become.
Mine too...
Same
Same, I won’t ever forgive myself if I become like her
RVQ 9 yes yes yesss
Same with my dad
toxic parents can destroy your life.
Yea that's why I'm destroyed
Sad thing that I love my parents so much but they are so toxic I’m sick of it
A whisper of Patricia mine certainly did
Word
@@bashayer5805 I know. We have to face that they're never going to be able to fill the hole they created. Accepting that and moving on goes a long way in making you feel better. Hang in there beautiful human being.
my father thought my depression was due to Satan, not because he hit my mother senselessly in front of me when i was 7
I hope your father didn't scare you aware from faith in Christ. Your father does not represent what Christ is. We look to our father to embody what our relationship with God should look like. When our father is militant, violent, unreasonable, unreasonable, and aggressive we tend to attribute those attributes to God.
That's why being a man is daunting because we are tasked with representing Christ to our family.
Christ was loving, caring, bold, compassionate, sacrificial, humble beyond measure, and a loyal friend. Christ can give you peace from your depression. I know it sounds preachy but I know where you're coming from in many ways.
I pray you find peace
I understand your frustration. You could be right, I could just be soulless and not care. Or I could have some alternative motive. Or I could have just stumbled upon this video and saw your comment and genuinely thought some encouraging words would potentially make a difference in your life. I don't think the world is just and I can recognize life is very cruel. All Gods cannot be right because they all contradict one another and there is either a God or no God. I hope to not have offended you.
Your father was right. It was satan. Your father was/is satan.
@Mary Tegegn It's in my experience that all the pain inflicted on people is caused by people (either through stupidity, cruelty, or self-destruction). In that context, whether God exists or not is irrelevant. But in a way, that's freeing. You don't have to live up to any ideology, just focus on getting yourself away from the toxic people causing you pain and find help from reliable friends, relatives, or anyone with a good heart.
How are and your mother doing now? And what about the satan?
Its sad that the people who are most close to us are the most toxic people in our lives, ive had the lowest lows from family and the highest highs from strangers...messed up
It's sad but real. It feels good to me to recognize that all of humanity is family and to gravitate to those who give you the highs. Make them your true family.
@ I wish you the best. I recommend to keep your hopes low in terms of them admitting their wrongs. I hope they do. But they will probably behave like saints and blame you. I've seen it happen. Family meeting called, then gang up and blame the scapegoat. It's all unconscious and helps them feel good. They will have to feel bad to help you and that goes against what most people are capable of. So just be prepared and good luck. Love yourself and look outside family for those who will treat you well. I'm on your side!
@EUphoria CemA It is pain you don't deserve. The brain experiences emotional pain the same as physical. It's real. There are many in the world right now experiencing both kinds of pain. Take care of yourself, love yourself, have compassion for yourself. You deserve real love and don't expect to get it from your family. Just don't. Look elsewhere. Love you!
@ The best defense if somebody is blaming me [insulting me] for sth I have not done or I do not thing is right is remembering that I have the right to define who I am not somebody else. I cut lose such people , does not matter family or not. Those who treat me with respect are my family.
@ What about Gym ? I used to struggle with some bad habits in my life. I used to have excel sheet with cells for withdrawal signs, addictions signs and healthy life benefits signs. I filled it in everyday. It really helped me to keep journal of my inner life.
Some parents just have children because it's something traditional, or because it's a 'blessing' for them. But they don't realise that we have lives too and we have dreams. Some parents are just so selfish.
yes. My parents are like that
Yeah then they tell us who to become and dictate our lives in the same basis of what is traditionally acceptable and get mad when we don’t become those people.
@@Lowdermoomoo yes. Mine is like that. They make me sad every day.
@@Sabrina-pl5mu relatable af. I fight with them everyday. I'm literally tired . My father taunts me because I've been taking medicines and then after speaking toxic things , he says 'i had good intentions'. He body shames me . He once threatened to beat me up. And I don't know , but he manages to be the victim all the time ....I'm so tired rn...
True, the kids can be a blessing but are you a blessing to your kids
We should have parenting licenses honestly.
No. That's a terrible idea. Force and violence always backfire. We need to educate people until we realise that humans are an irredeemable species and we decide to stop procreating by choice.
@@stevenewsom3269 I didn't realise licences were 'force and violence.' Lol. I don't remember getting my drivers licence as 'force and violence.' I believe there need to be compulsory parenting classes. Full stop. no ifs, no buts, if you don't turn up to them you are fined in the same way you are fined if you drive without a licence.
@@9000ck of course laws are enforced by force and violence. If you dont understand that then you have very little comprehension of how law and government work. With your driver's license example, if you drive without one, the government will use force to make you stop when you get caught. You even mention "compulsory" parenting classes. Sounds like force to me. Then you go on to tell us to fine people that don't show up to them. How do you think we should enforce them? You are so shortsighted it's scary.
Well said
Aye
Thinking about the fact that only the children who are seeking for helps are watching this, not the parents
True i guess
I m seeking for help.. Seriously
And the fact is that ..... they’ll never will 😞there ego is more than there child tho
@@Saniya_Singh_ if i ever try telling them how i feel they will say social media brain washed me and that my feelings are fake and they are right): so ik what that feels
@@prakritisaini6100 true .... we will ..... everyone deserve love from there parents...... not the fake one .... but the true one .... and what I mean by true one is ..... don’t give them a comfort by spending money and give education etc and than saying "I have spend so much money on you to give you a comfortable life and you are talking back "... that’s not love ..... just giving them there own freedom and a lots of true love can’t be any beautiful than this ...
Me : sitting quietly in the sitting room
Dad enters
Me : Suddenly start getting panic attack
Breanax Quiny Want to talk more?
I completely understand
I get into 2 car accidents when my mom is with me. Yes she is my stressor.
Everyfuckingtime
Exactly
i have toxic parents... i vowed to not do the things they did to me to my children in the future
Same
i wish our parents also thought like that before having us... i just don't understand why they didn't think like everyone else... were they selfish?
Same
Shweta Ramani I agree with you on that (we become a mirror of our parents ) but going to a therapy unlearning deciding to heal before you become a parent is another option for those who want to have children.
same here
Parents "you can come to us anytime for anything. We will listen"
Reality " Don't be dramatic or stop being a baby"
You're absolutely right.. I agree with you.. This is what just happened with few times ago
Omg this was my whole childhood...
Nah reality is : being ignored and then being jumped by both parents
My mum yell at my face everytime I have something to share or when I need comfort, I remind myself not to talk to her . I forget it sometimes. So when I talk to her agian, it’s always me end up crying and have mental breakdown for days. She don’t even allow me to cry , either. She will shout at my face or try to hit me with everything she can grab, even a butcher knife
@@elliotmerrison bestie try to know that why does she do that to you after all you're her own child..
I hate my parents deep inside. But I pretend I love them, false self.
Please teach me how to pretend. I'm in desperate need of that skill.
More like she raised me to become a good actor at loving her falsely
I feel like that too 😥
Me too
Drop tips please
The most hurtful words I heard from my dad was that “If I had known you were going to be like this I would have strangled you to death when you were younger.” “The most hurtful words I heard from my mom was “I wish I never had you.”
Victoria, your parents don't deserve you. I hope you cut the tie from them and don't blame yourself. Connect with people who deserve your love. My heart is bleeding for you out of sympathy. God bless you 💜
Meae Oh 💙
@@victoriazhu9073 Girl idk how old you are or your situation, but I would get out and have zero contact with them for the rest of my life. Its pretty apparent that they dont love you, sad to say.
my mom's like "why do we have a child like you? we would be better without you" it is so painful to hear that at age of 13
Hemish Savaliya I’m so sorry :(
Imagine having a loving and caring parents :/
SAMURAI 武士 same
Wonder what that's like.
SAMURAI 武士 same
my mom is kinda ok but she always in the the sides of my father
If my parents were loving and caring then my life would be like heaven
I can’t imagine my parents taking a parenting class seriously. As soon as the teacher starts talking about love and support my dad would just roll his eyes and say “I provide food and a home. You should be happy. “ I wonder how many abusive parents would actually want to be a better parent. Mine wouldn’t waste their time.
Mine too. They'd do all of those things you mentioned in your comment plus using that class in a future argument or to fuel future excuses.
when my dad left me at the age of 8 he never supported me in anything even a single penny, he keeps his money all by himself and to his girls while my mom had a bf who she supported financially cuz just as the start of their relationship the bf became broke. so u should be grateful for your for your parents because not everyone takes responsibility to support their child, even though he's not a great dad atleast he's providing your needs and i hope you realize how lucky you are cuz not every parents can take full responsibilities to their children.
Omg i want to slap that kind of parents
@@wesshelleymacate3588 I might sound like a bad person , and like i am downplaying you , but both of you have had bad parents.
People shouldn't compare that their parents are a bit better or a bit worse.
People should compare their parents to a Truly Functional Loving Parent , who loves their child and support them and not to someone that they didn't beat their child one day .
That is my opinion .
Same dude same
My parents used me all my life to bring them pride. They just want honour n pride. Never ask how I feel, what I want.....am I to fulfill just their wishes? Nothing of my own?
same here. Idk why they think us as robots.
Yeah, i can't wait to finish my college, get a job, and live separately from them and build my own life..
@@dexie135 preach!!!!
@@dexie135 hope you all the best in your journey darling, i am sure it is worth it!!
makes we ant to give shame in name of honour n pride
I’m not even kidding when I say I’m crying right now.
❤️ You are not alone.
I feel ur pain ❤
I've been crying so much for the whole night my eyes are swollen now.. the tears sometimes still flow, it hasn't stopped yet. I'm starting to get tired of crying but I can't help it
I hear you. But what are we gonna do about it?
It's already 8 months since you were crying. I won't tell u don't cry. But the thing that makes your cry avoid this. My parents and friend were the reason why I was crying every single day. Now I avoid them. I still live with my parents I just stop listening to their orders. I tell them lies. I pretend in the fort of them. I avoid my fake friend. Now I never text them. Sometimes don't reply to them, sometimes reply to them after many time. Now I am working on my dream. I am not sad. I am happy. But I know I will be the happiest person soon. Now I don't cry every day. Never give up on your dream. Stop listening to fake people. U will be happy soon. Believe u.
How many of you think parenting licenses can help promote happy, thriving children? I mean narcissists, mentally unstable folks really are not fit to have children.
Great idea 🙂🙂🙂🤗
Getting a dog has more requirements and restrictions than having a child 🤦🏾♀️
J8270361507
Parenting license is needed and punishments need to be put and made severe for these kind of parents.
Obviously you don't know the atrocities of what an overpowered government brings and trust me, you're better off with the bad parents then giving that kind if power to them.
@@jellybeans9283 really? Like what? I've never HAD to do anything when I got a dog except love it and feed it, oh and get shots for it but I chose to do that. When I had a child It's required to be there for the birth, sign documents for birth certificate, as well later put that child in school which requires vaccinations. The benefit if the doubt is given obviously until one prooces that they're otherwise unfit to be a parent which happens quite often today unfortunately.
My father was/is toxic, and my mom has always just made excuses for him. I'm afraid of having kids because I don't want them to feel the way I did growing up...
Asha Vere I have some resources that you might be interested in. I have a one year old, and she is a free, relaxed and creative little sweety! And my husband and I feel good because we learned from experts how to talk to her from conception. It can be done, provides the parents are honest with themselves about why they want kids
İ am in the same position right now
My mom's boyfriend is a scrub and basically lives off us.... She always pretends like he loves her but she knows that he's not good for us. She makes excuses for him but never me. 😢
My mum tells me my dad just sees a lot of himself in me and that’s why he treats me the way he does. I hope I never become anything like him and if I do I’ll kill myself. I’m never having kids and passing on all these mental illnesses, I’m ending that with me.
Emily i also feel that way and even tho i wanna have kids in the future because of this reason i don't want to have biological kids
Don't pressure your child to have the best life. Give them the best life.
Give this man a Nobel Award
@@TitaniumTronic I'm a girl
Giving ones child the best life is really difficult for most parents. It requires listening to what your child has to say.
@@ArtsyChick24 woman then
@@edgrimm5862 best life doesn't mean toys or vacation or parties or luxury only
"Never trust someone who always sees your mistakes." ------- Unknown
and my parents always see my mistakes.
Boy that's a great true quote
was that from this speaker?
Same.
sounds like a stoic comment.
The four dislikes are by toxic parents.
or people who think that we should not support and show love and / or affection to those toxic parents!?
@@Christine-te4mr What do you mean?
😂
Hope toxic parents will be traced....
They're 151 now
Dear 'parents',
Please don't give birth to your child if you don't know how to raise it.
Sincerely,
The child who's raising itself.
My mom would've done well with this tattooed on her forehead. Had three of us and gave us all away to different families.
They need Narc Supply. Of course they need to birth you. Without you how can they survive?
I would add my sign as well
Dont condemn your own existence, just because your parents were not educated. Your a miracle.
Just leave those people behind. Raising yourself isnt so bad. Be good to you.
@Beta Alpha What do you mean "Leave them" you live under your parent's roof, you can not go anywhere, if you leave them you'll die in the streets
my family : "why dont you talk you so quiet , why are you always in your room?"
**me : tries to talk,**
**but gets interrupted , gets ignored**
- so why try?
EXACTLY.
That is soooo true!
Never related to anything more in my life! I know my family means no ill will, but it still hurts when I try to get attention to speak, but no one pays attention.
Exactly that’s big facts
Very relatable
My father's excuse for his emotional abuse towards me has always been that he pays for the roof I live under and that I'm being dramatic even though I can vividly remember getting hit as a child and him breaking my first self bought gaming console that was really dear to me since I bought it with my own money at the time. He snapped it right into two piece because I stayed up too late.
What was it a ps xbox?
That's the problem, isn't it? We are children. We are helpless. We can't really do anything. We are forced to live under their roof, under their "protection", and they think they can do whatever they like with us. They think that we "owe" them our lives.
@@chahak1797 yes...
feeding you and giving you a home is the bare minimum requirement for parenting. he doesn’t deserve an exemption of accountability for merely keeping you alive. if he is hurting you, no matter the environment, it is unacceptable.
I got hit with a mop and my head bled a little and my leg was so painful for two days and they said their own problems so that they wont even take a look at my injury and thats not even 1/16 of it my family is very toxic
My nana said my mom once told her she’d never treat her kids the way she has.shes a women of her words she did not treat her kids like nana did she did worse
Our parents learn parenting from their own parents.....
Time to break generational curses
Scary
This is scary.
My mom said this directly to me and I feel my granny was a way better parent than my mom .
All I can say is “Amen” to this woman let’s cut the cycle of all abuse, all children are innocent, they are our future
Abusive or manipulative parents must be held accountable for their behavior
Even though not all children are innocent, we can and do say that all children deserve good enough lives.
Emotional abuse and neglect is just as harmful as physical abuse, but dismissed out of hand because it doesnt leave marks.
The thing is emotional/mental abuse can lead to physical abuse of oneself. Ppl think their not good enough, useless, and don’t deserve to eat/think their overweight. And the same thing for physical abuse affecting mental/emotional
Which is horrible misses the point of what the meaning of life is.
Just because something is not visible to the eye does not make any less real.
Example, air: You can not see it yet it is vital to your survival/well being.
Same goes to emotions.
„visible marks“ ☝️
Scolding is not using of abusive language
I have this kind of parent. Then now i dont really want to be a parent
I can totally relate to that.. I had even thought of never getting married or not allowing anyone to be closer to me due to the fear caused by toxic situations
Me too
I also have the same thoughts for many times.
Same. I don't want a child because of my family
I actually want to be a parent so i can give my children what i wasn't able to receive.
if this is how parenting is in the UK, what about India? in reality, the indians think this abusive methods of parenting is normal! We should spread awareness on this! thank you for your views on this Fiona Douglas...
And Pakistan, bhai!
And parents think that they are gods and whatever they do is right!
Indian society is the worst!!
Yeah same dude, almost killed myself last year
@@ketchumuu hope u r better now
@@user-kn6qx9wj9b sometimes i feel like i should never be born in india even with rich history
My parents don't understand emotions very well. I didn't know what anger felt like until I was about 20. My feelings were so much I exploded. My parents want me to be able to function, but don't get how to help. So I bottle more emotions, and explode more frequently.
same, i suppress my emotions until they’re too much and then i lash out
what helped me to process my emotions, release them and not bottle them up was EFT/tapping (highly recommend the app “tapping solution”), catharsis (screaming into a pillow, boxing, crying when i’m alone in a room) and journaling putting those feelings on a paper
Emotional repression. I feel you. And you try so hard to hold it all in and be the "perfect child" for them but that one moment you explode they won't let you live it down.
@@FruityHachi YES!!! ive recently discovered tapping myself and its helped me so much with releasing emotions from my childhood emotional neglect and social isolation!!!!
@@babygorl9541 I kid you not, but I punch at walls or any other tough object and cry and feel like a victim. It's to a point that now I love the pain I get from it.
@@DrSupes you have to feel your feelings fully to let them out and be free. you're on the right track.
My mom always made me feel guilty for everything. She would be screaming at me and even that was my fault; "if you would behave I wouldn't need to yell at you."
She said to me that she doesn't get what my boyfriend sees in me.. .. she said that there's something wrong with me due to my style choice and later when I was mad she was so chocked about my negativity. Hmm I wonder WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME for being so negative. As a kid I was genuinely afraid of her when she would start to yell. I would try to run and hide but she would catch me and hold me down while screaming at me for screaming. I always kicked and fought when she was doing that
t. o. x. i. c.
I'm sorry your mother did that to you, you deserve better than her, you know?
Hey are you me?
@@visorow6323 same tho
Sorry about that 😢 ❤
toxic family, toxic friends, toxic life. gurl.
Funny how when you're raised in toxicity, you seek it out because it's so familiar.
W Brown facts
gurl its facts
still a life.
Same to me, Family, friends, relatives, others all Ive found are abusive
That’s why I’m not having kids, what if I end up being the same way as my parents?
Hugo Valencia sometimes I catch myself copying my mother. I wish it was’t this way but I turn into her, more and more. I don’t have kids but a boyfriend and I hope that it won’t go so far that I’ll destroy this relationship.
The fact you're even thinking about that makes you a better candidate for parenting than most people.
Hugo Valencia You can stop the cycle. I know for a fact you can! You can be for your children what you needed from your parents.
I have that fear,but I have love in my heart,and I hope I parent better.
Same girl. Same. My mom wonders why I didn't give her grand kids. Neither did my brother. Hmmmm. Some self reflection on her part would have helped answer that question.
I can't but cry watchin this,I hate my parents
😢sorry to hear that!
im sure they love you
They love you don't worry ♥️
Me too they’ve driven me to the point where Im suicidal and idk joe much longer I can go on like this
Aw, you are definitely not alone, and if you need someone to love you I can do that🙃
when I told my parents I cut; my mum didn't speak to me for 4 days and my dad said "oh so we are cutting for attention now", that was 2 years ago and I still think about it
I dont know alot about you but remember to speak with truth.
My mom said "i must not see this again" ....that didnt help ....i started cutting on places that are hidden from her vission...
Thankfully i stopped hurting myself
Please guys don't hurt yourselves for this people..you guys deserve better trust me
You will carry this emotional trauma with you for the rest of your life. What you choose to do with it is up to you. There will be a time when you will have relationships you feel validated and like your feelings and emotions are valid, because they are. I'm sorry you're not getting the support you need where you are now.
my mother said i'm crazy, yelled at me, made me feel more depressed and never ask me why i'm cut myself, she just judge me and that's it
The trauma gets passed on through generations… you can only try to recognise this and break the pattern.
Yeah. Our cursed bloodline will end at me. No family and kids fk that. Only friendship
This is a sick Society we all live in. I will never understand the point of it all🤷🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Totally, friend.
Society HAS A LOT of problems. It toxicity spreads everywhere, MUCH worse than COVID virus.
"How did your parents mess you up"
The question should be how didn't they mess me up.
True.
the question is what u think then its
blank
The words "I love you" are damaging when coupled with cognitive dissonance. Don't trust those words ever!
Gravitywalker20
Problem is they never show hatred in senses... they suffer from. something I m sure but not sure what as they fluctuate a lot in their emotions and keep tossing me per their wish
Yes. Watch those words when they make you feel confused
Sociopaths say the same. Look at behavior. Disregard words.
I try really hard to not dwell in those words
if i hear those words from my parents, i believe it
each and everyone of u that is watching this video, i feel so sorry 4 u and just to say everyone in the same boat as us i hope u all have decent relationships in the future
Some people shouldn’t have kids
Agree .......
Like my parents
I agree with you even more and more and more!
they don't deserve kids actually !!
My parents don’t deserve me
Best thing about TED, Nobody asks you to like,share,subscribe and hit that notification bell.
I think that one of the most interesting things about watching this kind of videos on UA-cam.. is that you realize that there are more people passing through the same problems than you . And You're not alone in this sad situation . I've got same problems with my parents as well.. And I got depressed as well.. And as u were saying the hardest thing is " U can't blame" .. you can't tell them that you're suffering or getting hurt with their behavior.. to the point of getting depression, because they will interpret it in such a bad way .
All we can learn with that is to try to be better mothers and fathers in the future with our children and not make the same mistakes they made.
More important than not repeating mistakes, is listening and validating your child's feelings. Understand and accept who they are. My parents took this approach you described, and still ended up emotionally neglecting me and causing irreparable harm--all because they couldn't be bothered to listen to their child, spend meaningful time with them (not just physically present), and listen when it's hard to do so. My parents were not receptive to my needs and so I learned from a very, very young age I cannot trust them with my true, deepest feelings because I would be faced with ridicule. The best way to be a parent is to pay attention and let your child tell you what they need from you. It might be hard to decipher at first, but practicing empathy is more important in a child's life than any toy, fancy vacation, or other superficial thing. If you can't have an emotionally close relationship with your kid, that's trauma in and of itself. The biggest mistake parents make, in my opinion, is not meeting a child's emotional needs. Anything else is superficial and can change relatively easily.
I wonder how to talk to parents...
even showing them... doesn't help.
*loved my parent though.
But for a while worked with kids... they have so much potential...
but the parent's minds are... so closed to see this.... unbelievable!!!
:'(
It breaks my heart to see how many of us are experiencing this. I really hope that we do better than our parents.
1. They didn’t allow me to cry, or feel any negative emotions
2. Made me feel like they don’t need to care for me and drop their support of me at any time
3. My father made us into debt for over half a million dollars
4. They both discuss on getting divorced very often
5. They don’t think my depression is real
6. They compare me to other kids and how nice they’re doing, yet when I compare them to other parents, they say I’m ungrateful
7. They don’t allow me to chase my dreams, which is to be a artist and go to art school
8. I had to start working at 15 to earn my own allowance because we’re poor
9. And finally, they raise me and my brother with parenting skills from a third world country, my brother is only 6
And I’m Chinese.
Would you be interested in talking more in an app? Im interested in your daily life..
Girll how is it now?
More power to you brother. You have endured it for so long. Hope you heal.
Omg the thing with the crying. When I cried I was yelled at to shut up and then I cried even more
Don't worry, everything will be alright one day ❤️ I can understand this cz I can relate to all of the above!!! I just wanted to say You are worthy of love! your own love!❤️
I wish UA-cam was around when i was 8, ive only recently realized at 33 whats been going on my whole life
mkchamp 96 I feel what you’re saying.
Your self awareness is growing!!!!
Sometimes I wish I was adopted lol
Saaame
I was, it’s still bad.
@@squippites7356 lol, sorry for ya!
Sameee!!
Saaaameee here
Grew up with a very toxic mother. Belittled me almost every chance she got. And still to this day does the same thing. Anger is an understatement when it comes to the victims of toxicity. The poison spreads as if it were Eddy Brock's symbiote trying to take control. It spreads and somehow in the midst of it all you must keep your individual self protected. You must maintain the heart that you have. Toxic Parents won't treat you right and tbh Toxic People IN GENERAL are very selective in who they engage with. They want someone they can control because when they encounter someone just like them it becomes a problem. I've seen that happen as well. To all the victims out there still fighting to make it under venomous circumstances I say this with much love
YOU ARE LOVED BY SOMEONE AND THEY WANT YOU HERE. WE NEED YOU HEAR BECAUSE YOU ARE SPECIAL AND VERY IMPORTANT.
Thank you, I don't feel any of those things and wish there was an easy way out. I love life and all the beauty. I observe others live a happy healthy full lives and I am so lonely, the pain never stops.
The person in my case, is actually five people who I know care. But I find it disappointing that they're my teachers.
My mom, so toxic.
I feel guilty complaining about my parents because i am an asian, and most asian parents are like this, but not everyone has depression like me. So i feel like it's my fault and i feel like a spoilt brat.
Edit: omfg this was 9 months ago but damn all the replies are so supportive why can't everyone be like this? I haven't checked this comment for a long time and just want to thank you all for all the support :))❤❤❤❤ i hope all you have is happiness in your lives
Edit (apr 29 2021): im doing alot ALOT better now and i think im completely free of depression. I'm feeling happy for the first time in two years and everything is going well. My parents still try to control me but my stubborn a** doesn't give a s*it. Again, thank you all so much i really appreciate it
Same here... We aren't supposed to blame our parents because they are elders and should be respected.
@sannia fatima i dont like the way they are i think they're toxic and i definitely want kids and MOST DEFINITELY not want to repeat their actions
I defiantly feel u man
I feel you man, I’m also Asian and growing up was hard and miserable
I know what are you saying, but would rather do?! Pretend for other couple years that everything was ok?
"Because you know they love you"
*Rolls eyes* sure
My mom's line.
When she have watched my dad emotionally abuse me day by day and thou she have always helped and protected me(she is a good mom) she is still with him.
He have manipulated her that she is still believes that he is SOMEHOW loves me.
He does NOT and i do not love him either.
No one who actually loves their children bully them, does not matter what happened in their own childhood.
Expecting children to be grateful for every little things their parents do for them has become more of a tradition rather than something done out of love and respect.
I am afraid i might become one like those kind of parents . It horrifies me.
@@DLCS-2 That's where the challenge is facing your fear with utmost will and strength
@@shilpisingh3203 thanks , i will try.
@@DLCS-2:)
When I finally gathered all my confidence to tell my father I had depression he said "you don’t have depression"
I don’t know what to say since everything I’ve ever said was always *wrong* and he was always *right*
I feel you. I felt similar with my Mum and Dad. Actually there is nothing you can say cause they don't want to hear you. Believe yourself and walk away from people who don't. Even if they are your parents. We are made so guilty to do that but any person who is toxic in our life is damaging our mental well being. And when you walk away and realise how well you now take care of yourself you will feel so strong because you care about yourself.
I relate but i still dont have courage to tell them ....but i know they gonna say the same thing "u dont hv depression" to add up he gonna say " all u hv to do is study ...u r not paying loans ..(so on) why would u hv depression"
It sucks parents can be like this. When I told my mom about my suicidal thoughts and depression, she down played it as hormones and that I'll grow out of it. That broke me even more because she (and my dad) are one of the main reasons for my declining mental health
I feel u.....the way u wrote is savage
“Who thinks it’s time for parents to go back to school?” Great talk, and so many quotable points:
- “As parents, any one of our inner struggles (with food, anger, stress, perfectionism) can hurt our children.”
- “The truth is that our parenting is always a reflection of our best self and worst self.”
- “No one imagines being a parent who will hurt or hate their child, but it happens.”
- “If being a parent is one of the toughest and riskiest roles that we can take on in society, then why don’t we receive any education or training about how to do the job well?”
- “Research shows that for children of any age, parenting that is warm, sensitive, and supportive provides the greatest chance of a child developing strong academic abilities, good social skills, and emotional resilience. It’s the quality of the relationship between the parent and child that matters.”
:) tyyyy
I remember telling my mom, that they a parent support network in schools to help teach parenting, she they wouldn't listen to it. But it's so important to learn to be a good parenting ( not just childhood) for all ages, different stages have different needs.
true, where I live parents always think that their children go nice and smiling, when they're in their teen. irl the children are going to change. teen is still part of development of human.
When my dad gets angry at me, he screams in my face and tells me "He's going to just dump me at my mom's place." I have heard him say those words more times than he has said "I love you."
No parent worth anything would scream in their child's face. He apparently doesn't have love to give you. Love yourself, though. Tell yourself, "I love you."
Red M lol mine has never said I love you. He finds every chance to pinpoint whatever I do and now he just ignores me altogether
Agree, though mine switched the "dad" to mom. And the "dump to mom" becomes "dump to grandpa" to me .
Same with my mum 🤣😐😣
My grandparents did not tell my mom that they loved her when she was a child, so she found it important to tell me on regular basis that she loves me. However, she was an impatient single mom, and on regular basis she also said thing like "It's good that I'll die soon" and "One day I'll just walk out and never come back" and screamed regularly. As result I felt like a problem and came to the conclusion that everybody's life would be better if I was never born.
I am 24 now, and I still wish that I had never been born, that would spare me the pain of feeling like a mistake and the trouble of trying to be happy.
Both my abusive parents are dead! 😊
Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, I am free at last!
Water Otter wow!
Pretty harsh!
Harsh but reasonable I guess
When the oppressor leaves, the oppressed can finally feel free. It's called Justice, not harshness. Wanting justice when oppressed does not equal ingratitude. Unfortunately abusive parents make us think that it's always our fault, even when they are the one doing the wrong thing. That should not be an accepted behavior.
@Astha Inoue I am! I have a great job, my artwork and Scrapbooking, and I went back to Orthodox Christianity!
😂😂 I know what that feels like. Freedom .. the sweetest thing.
And the most irritating things about the parents is that most of the terrible things you experienced from them can't even described as it could only be feeled and suffered.
I view their "love" as their ego. They would gladly boast about how well they've raised me and my siblings (especially after others expressed admiration to them) but also bash us, using foul language, loudly in public no matter how big or small our mistake was. It's as if to shame us for every single mistake we do, even those mistakes we're not sure if they're really ours. Then, they proceed to tell others, loudly, how ungrateful we are, when those listeners haven't got the slightest clue about what have been done and said to us behind closed door.
Dude that is the exact same thing I'm always in. And when I tell people that my mom is like this, they're like I'm ungrateful and need to respect her when she publicly shames me and my twin. She always says this mean horrible things. And she feels so proud when people commend her for raising us to be the way we are..... Dude this sucks
@@charmainephasoana6850 💗
🍃
i was so traumatized by my parents to the point i dont want to marry and have kids :/ i dont want to ruin my child like they did to me
Don’t wanna be over exaggerating and sensitive but I really think my mom is such a liar, i am so trying hard to rely on her because she promised me she’ll make my depression better which was caused by childhood neglect , but I realized today relying doesn’t require “trying hard “that much ,it always took so much time for my mom to notice how seriously depressed I was even when I tried to jump of the building she went to work saying she’s in a hurry. I can’t even cry anymore.
I'm in the same way as you. If I have to speak with honesty, my parents are never worry about me. My father simply act like is not his problem because for him my depression is only a joke or a puverty stage. On the other hand, my mom seems to be more observant, only she remember it of course. But most of the time, she act like I was disturbing her or I was a problem. I know I'm sensible and maybe I take things too seriously sometimes. But I wish someone stay by my side and say me "you can rely all this bad feelings in my arms "
I recognize in your comment that people have probably told you you are too sensitive or exaggerating. But don't even go there. Maybe you are sensitive, but that is a beautiful thing if you are and you needn't change how you were made. Sensitive people are often good to others. If someone says you're exaggerating, they won't face or own or affirm your experience. Ignore them.
I wouldn't rely on her anymore. Anyone else. Don't rely on the people that caused you this pain because as evidenced, they'll let you down. And it'll hurt even worse, over and over.
U know what.. u r special in every way baby..
If nobody.. I love you 🙂🙂🤗🤗
I am who I am today with a career, true friends and great relationships, all because of my parents, since I made it the mission of my life to not become like them.
"Respect should not be automatic. It should be earned, and it should be based on a parents performance. Some parents deserve respect, most of them don't." - George Carlin.
I am struggling to breathe with my toxic patents this is not the kind of love I wanted. Please help me too fiona
I guess we two are in same boat. I m seeking for help too
Me too. I really need help. But I don't have enough money to move out.
Every Indian girl is less loved than her brother 😢😢this is true
I feel sorry.
So true. I even brought it up when I was a child and complained about it to a teacher. At least my teacher understood. My parents always thought it was funny.
@@armyshope Not me.... i guess it depends on where you live in India
@@harinivasan9609 oh ok
other way oaround in my family its like any mistake made by my sister is my fault andwon't hear or trust a single word...😞
Sometimes I wish my English teacher was my mother, she treats me like a human and supports me more than my actual mom ever will. Her son is lucky, I wish I was him
People criticising those who chose not to have kids should watch this. Most of us are messed up adults due to parents who don't have the slightest idea about raising a child well. And the circle continues for most.
I have dealt with abusive parents and I know that I don't want to be that kind of parent when I grow up. Abusive parents destroy your mental health. Anybody who is going through their parents' torture, just know that you're not alone.
I just came here because honestly i don't have anywhere to go or people who I feel like would understand me . Came here to feel like I'm not alone in this fight
Me: “mom, dad. I feel like you don’t love me. I feel like you hate me actually”
Parents: “that’s in ur mind you make it all up”
I don’t just magically make up how I feel
Same, my parents would say how horrible I am for saying such a thing
@@drcrowley7526 and make beg and beg and beg for forgiveness for what felt like HOURS -- so that mom would stop HOWLING and crying .
I have more scars on my back than I can count. And whenever they get on my back, they reopen, over and over. I will never treat my children the way I was treated. My mother gave me a paralysing fear of failure that causes me to procrastinate when I am given assignments. My father was an angry alcoholic, I spent the majority of my childhood in the fear that he would heart me. He was also a workaholic, so he was either working, or drinking until I was 11. And for 4 years of my childhood, they left me alone in a house. My mother was going to acupuncture school, my father spent all of his time working, and my sister spent all of her time in her room on her computer. I was basically abandon for 4 YEARS OF MY CHILDHOOD, AND THEY EXPECT ME TO BE GRATEFUL?!
Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry. That makes me so sad. I have a little boy and my heart really hurts for you.
The Ronin felt that, my dad expects me to be grateful for him just because he didn’t leave like his biological father did. He always uses the excuse that he’s a present father to avoid his other issues.
My mom lock me in basement in basement for long... She gib food once in a time.
@@arpita1shrivas oh my god are you serious? im so sorry!!1
so sad and so relate...
You will just have to decide to love yourself and then that will help you attract people who will love you too..
It's hard but its necessary and possible!
❤
❤
Every Parent must be taught parenting skills...I feel so unloved by my parents especially dad just don't understand....money and resources is not all what a child needs from their parents..!!
exactly!!!!!!!
That's why I don't want to be like them, I don't want to be too much successful and live in a city. Just want to have a quiet life and live in the mountains where I can't hear and see toxic people.
I just had a huge argument with my parents at 24. Everything I had held back for years finally came out. They both worked so hard to put a roof and food on our table that they forgot to raise me. They slapped the label “independent” on me so they could feel better about just leaving me alone. When my brother was born we had finally gotten to be financially well and they spent SO MUCH MONEY on my brother baseball career and trainings. They don’t even know what my major is. I’m currently getting my PhD in ecology and evolution. When I tried to talk to the, about it it turned into screams and almost beatings thankfully I’ve done wrestling so I know how to defend myself. Toxic parents don’t realize how much neglect could affect us
I was adopted. My mom is extremely toxic, and sometimes I feel like I want to die. But my mom decided that she was ready to take care of me, with 3 other kids and a full time job with my dad away for half the year. It’s has cause me so much pain and she’s in denial.
My parents distroyed me .
Do you have any idea on how you can move on?
Parents can ruin our self confidence ...
healing takes time
I am sorry to hear that....
I hope you and I get full recovery
I am just waking up at 44. Yoga, meditation and lastly bodybuilding saved my life. I am facing my fears one by one. One day I hope to have a healthy intimate relationship. Someday....I pray
I'm happy for you. Wishing you the best!!!!
I've never felt that my mama is proud of me ever since I became a teenager. I do not know what is wrong with what I did. That my intentions are only to make her proud. I do not know why and how but she never understands when I'm sad of what she did. She never said sorry. But she loves me and that's okay. Kind of hahaha
Pretty toxic if you ask me
Forgiveness is key brother to moving forward 🤍
Abusing me and my siblings in front of neighbours and relatives is achivement for my mom
People are traumatized by the economy, everything has a price, people lose their humanity in the consumption society.
My mother had a teen pregnancy with me. She’s always pressuring me to get good grades and test scores, Play sports, and lots more. The truth is, I don’t like sports and I hate getting up every morning thinking, What is she going to say today. She compares me to my perfect friends and their parents. She thinks it’s for the best, but it hurts. It hurts to know I’m not as smart as one of my friends, it hurts to know I failed to do something that my mother “knew” I could do better at. My bathroom is my safe place because I can lock the door and cry. I am a very emotional person but I bottle everything up until late at night when my family is asleep. Then I cry. She tells me she loves me but I know deep down she wishes I was someone else. And that person is my best friend. She’s perfect, She smart, Pretty, Very athletic and most of all, not me. I was scared about posting all of this on the internet because I thought people would say things. So please, don’t say anything bad about my mother, she may not be perfect but I’ll hold up. Thank you for reading.
You're in denial, my love. Are you in a position to get professional help, or know any grown ups who can connect you to trained therapists? That will help you a lot. Sending hugs.
I want to see my parent take these classes just to watch her realize how horribly she went wrong with me and my siblings, and see if her world breaks as mine has been.
It's not only parenting that we must tackle. It's our culture, capitalism, the validation and the praise for sharks and toxic and manipulative people that we must change. The lack of care for and neglect of one another, outside the family circle, has to stop, somehow.
Thank you for saying it. We are part of the larger human family and the world would be so much more awesome if we could treat people that way.
'the validation and the praise for sharks and toxic and manipulative people'- you couldn't have said it better.
What can one do to manifest this? To actively care for one another outside the family circle?
Do
Since there are abusive parents everywhere in the world, no matter if the country is capitalistic or not, I think that it’s a different reason…
Greed and Ego, which capitalism coincidentally endorses.
That one story of the guy who took a test and lied to his parents and killed himself would've been me if I hadn't gotten therapy. "His parents put pressure on him because they wanted him to have the best life, and the result, was no life at all."
....and many parents believe they are wise and have done a great job, if their kids are wellbehaved, good looking and perfect.
End of story. And many never come further, than that. Great talk! ....and education is crucial today, when most of us is so "busy" making other plans....
Love is something else than stressful workdays being perfect, and thinking that thats whats needed to be and become
a human being.
My asian parents always remind me that they are always right because they are our "parents" and we dont have the right to criticize them. When we do, they always go back to the past pointing out to us that they did everything for us sacrificing everything so we dont have to question other things that we dont find correct. They didnt know that we are thakful for what they did, but they also dont know that we get hurt by their hurtful words.
I guess you are pinay right? I can relate.
when I was 6 years old, my mother in a drunken rage said to me "I wish abortions were retroactive". I don't think she realized I knew what that meant, but I did. I have never forgotten that moment.
can I ask a follow up question If you see this....was there anything she ever could have done after to make it better/repair any damage or the relationship?
@@ummumami I think the one thing I always wanted was for her to admit she failed me. Some acknowledgement of how she hurt me, not even an apology. Just admitting her fault. Honestly I don't think she ever wanted to or tried. That was only the beginning of a relationship doomed from the start. I left home very young and we were no contact until the last years of her life, when I went home to take care of her. She passed away never once even coming close to any of what I had hoped for. My partner felt I should have left her to rot when she needed me, But I did go back at the end, as was my duty. My conscience is clear. I do not speak ill of the dead, as she was an amazing person who lived an extraordinary life. There is a lot about her to praise and respect, as long as you weren't her daughter. The one thing she never should have been, the one job she was ill suited for, was being a mother. I wish she had said that out loud, just once.
@@MeleeStormbringer thank you for sharing that
It took until I was 30 to realize that my parents actions had profoundly effected me. Being beaten, witnessing domestic violence, moving dozens of times, being homeless multiple times, being verbally abused, effected me deeply. Even though I always said it didn't. I didn't want to blame anyone for my problems. I still dont but it is a fact. I do forgive my parents now. They had it far worse than I did even. I believe they did the best they were capable of. I believe they love/d me. I have a good relationship with them now. They have a healthy relationship with my kids.
I do agree that parenting classes should be available to everyone. I remember taking my daughter home from the hospital. I was terrified. In the US where I live, we aren't taught parenting, or any of the useful things to live in society. It can't be left up to the parents to teach laws, taxes, how to get a bank account or loan, utilities, etc. I've missed out on a lot from sheer ignorance of the existence or availability of programs etc. My parents and school didn't teach me. It is hard when you're left to fumble through the most important parts of life.
I wish my parents could understand how much they hurt me
I'm at the point where I would rather hangout with any of my friends or families other than my parents.
I also get very jealous seeing other parents so close to their children
If I try to speak up to them I either get scolded or straight up just ignored
My parents give more attention to my younger sister and doesn't care about me
I never got to try may of the things I like or got to discover my talents because of them never letting me go out of a box that they created... Sorry if it's a really long comment
Same🥺
I'm sorry you are hurting
Same, I’m waiting to turn 18 to leave ‘cause I can’t do it anymore
I’m sorry ❤️ you’re still worthy of all the good things in life
I’m in the same boat but with two sisters they admire and treat like queens
Come in India. People need you here
Couldn't agree more.I've been spectating my parents fighting both physically and with their mouths for a decade now, It makes me feel like I'd never be a good parent
i am 17 and my like is getting worse day by day...indian parents... .
U know the closet people in our life will never understand who we really are .
I cry atleast twice or thrice every week, alone in my room, just because it seems I had to sacrifice my dreams for them....
@@pluffy5490 i would like to help you.. Text me on insta _sri_aarya_
I know the pain.. I have been there..
My mother told me a few years ago that his wish that I was never born and that she hated me so I think she made it clear that she didn't like me. She said that she loved me, but what she says a lot, pretty much everyday, I don't know what to think anymore. When she was talking about suicide, it reminded me when my mom said,"This is why parents kill their kids." All I thought was,"You're one of the parents that make their kids want to hurt themselves." I didn't say anything, but I did think it. A lot of times, I want to leave the house myself because of how much I don't to be around my family. I don't talk to them a lot because it's always the same thing: "How was your day?" "Good." (even though it wasn't). That's pretty much the only question I get from them each day. I'm not mad, just... disappointed that they can't have a conversation with them without them yelling at me. I hope someone can help with my situation.
YOU can help your situation, even if you have to deal with them a little longer. They don't seem receptive to your needs, regardless of their feelings of love for you. It is hard to accept that some parents do not want an emotionally close and respectful relationship, but you can learn to accept it and move on. This does not mean putting up with toxic behavior into adulthood. You might feel powerless, but you have so much power to change your circumstances and outlook on life. There is hope, and a whole world out there of people who would never treat you with such disregard for your feelings. Consider therapy if you have access, there's online ones too like betterhelp. Learn about yourself and what you want to be. Be patient with yourself and have love for who you are. You are so important and worthy of love. It might not feel like it because of where you are, but behind the clouds is a whole sky of sunshine.
@@MsAliciaBrady can u help get me out of basement my mom has locked me in and is beating me? Thanks
@@arpita1shrivas get you Okay? Where are you from?
Hearing the sentence “children don’t kill/have thoughts about themselves just because of chemical imbalances”.... words sooo many parents need to hear
The people who are supposed to love you the most aren't supposed to be the one's who break you the most
I’ve endured childhood trauma that people write about! A mother with mental illness and a narcissist father who bailed on me at the age of two! I’ve learned some of the most toxic people are the ones that are supposed to
Love you unconditionally! Even after 48 years on this earth I’m still trying to find myself and the trauma that I’ve endured I’m afraid will stay with me for life!
I am 29 ... And I don't want my trauma to continue till 48.... 😢😢😢
The fact that my mother never in her entire life uttered the words 'i love you' to me
I was severely abused as a child, drowned waterboarding style, beaten in the face,back of the head. Maltreated and traumatized by my father for many years. As a child it really had a big impact on my whole life and development, emotionally, socially, acedemically and mentally. How I interacted with people, my way of thinking, Depression , anxiety. Nightmares every night of drowning and beating.
I wanted a normal life too like everyone else I also wanted a normal upbringing. No one deserves abuse! Especially a child in their most critical stage of development
I was lucky enough to have 2 parents that failed to support me and raise me. Me and my sister raised each other. My mom bailed and my dad was in gangs and is currently an addict. Your parents don’t shape you, it’s hard, but you make your decisions in the end. Love your own life! You’ve got this!
my biggest goal in life is if i have kids, to give them the best life possible. i would do anything to prevent my son or daughter turn out the way my mom forced me to turn out. my childhood was ruined at such a young age and it took away so many experiences that i’ll never get back. i don’t wish that upon anyone. ESPECIALLY a child.
i’m so sad that i wasted my youth with toxic parents. i have to wait till i move out to start actually living and not just existing.
Me too. I feel that my life is controlled by them. And that sucks.
Growing up I thought the abuse was normal, until I visited one of my friends and saw how they treated him.
My mother always was like:
"I not only gave you life but I also give you food, a place to sleep and a ride to school every day so don't complain it's my right to do those things to you"
It still works, she makes me feel bad whenever she brings those things up. I'm only 16 and I can't really do anything to get away from her now but I'm not sure for how long I can take it. I just want it to stop but I'm afraid nobody will believe me since I don't get bruises easily.