-A difficult time regulating emotions -Have a pattern of unhealthy relationships -Difficulties engaging in relationships -Feel Numb/Empty -Struggles with self-compassion -Unhealthy independence (counterdependency) -Shame -rejection sensitivity -easily overwhelmed and discouraged
60, I connected the dots decades ago and called dad on his b.s. His reply was "tough shit". What an asshole. I am not in contact with the loser! I deserve a better father than him!
I connected the dots at 36. Imagine how much generational trauma we could break, if only more and more people would connect the dots...Self-awareness and consciousness are the keys❤
I found her videos around the same time I turned 4O. I'm 45 now. In the 5 years of watching these, it's as if she's telling me, "welcome to your life, this is what's been going on and why". It's depressing and empowering at the same time.
I'm 67 and wish I had encountered this piece of information 40 years ago. I had always suspected I suffered from childhood mental abuse but hesitated to use the term, because it felt disloyal. Now I see so clearly how it has affected my adult life.
Helps to remember that the moms of us 60 to 70 year olds were the first to be given "moms Lil helper" by doctors. Valium was handed out to stay at home moms freely in Canada and USA. So this created more emotionally absentee moms at key developmental times. We don't always know they were taking it, but it helps explain those moms who had long naps, were emotionally flat, and we kept checking on them for feedback. Just another element that wasn't as obvious as alcohol.
Same, but isn’t it also great that we can spend the rest of our lives trying to be the best of ourselves. Never give up! Understanding ourselves better will only help others and ourselves of course.
I understand how you feel about feeling disloyal, I did too. I really appreciated that Kati prefaced her talk by saying, our parents likely didn't have a true understanding of their own emotions, so they really didn't know how to help their own children with these issues. That way we aren't blaming them, at least not for that. Lol.
Five weeks in a mental health hospital and the top takeaway was I had never had my own feelings. When my youngest grandson was three my daughter called to tell me he loved me. I realized I had no idea what being loved felt like. I asked my daughter how she could tell. She said he talks about you all the time when you aren’t here. I was 63.
The not knowing what love really is makes me think wow that’s extremely sad. I’m going through the process of allowing God to re-parent me and I’m learning a lot about myself. I’m 52.
So if I relate to all 9 of these signs and barely remember anything from my childhood except being alone in my room, I probably need to get professional help, huh?
@@Norman8829with not a single ounce of irony. I just started learning how to pray. I'm not very religious but I found that talking to my creator has really soothed a lot of that deep sense of loneliness and isolation and fear of connection.
@Karl with a K having done therapy for years, I AGREE with you, in fact, I personally feel my mental health was WORSE for it, in fact I KNOW it did. Then they just want to dope you up. I'm med free now, and dealing it's all you can do
My mother consistently told my brother and I growing up, “never reveal anything about yourself to anyone, for any reason, under any circumstance.” To me, that also included my family. So I never confided in her and came to her with my problems. The few times I did, she told me not to be so sensitive as boys don’t do that. I feel this has really impacted my developing avoidant attachment to people in my life and in general.
I am so sorry you grew up with such extreme limitations on your emotional vulnerability. If you're able to start learning about your emotions little by little, and maybe (if it feels okay) seeing a therapist, you can heal that avoidant attachment. xoxo
@@Katimorton We are refugees from Vietnam who escaped the war. I recognize that it’s an enormous challenge for immigrant refugee parents who have experienced extreme trauma and PTSD to raise their children in a totally foreign environment and have to deal with xenophobia and racism. Also, culturally we don’t share our emotions as it’s a sign of weakness and have to take things with a stiff upper lip. So I get the reasons why they were emotionally unavailable and instilled paranoia and distrust in everyone and stressed self reliance only. I understand the reasons behind all this but I’m not excusing it.
My mother said the same thing, she said that people aren’t imterested in hearing your problems and feelings. It makes you vulnerable and people can take advantage of you. As if by feeling emotions you somehow become less worthy. As a result in 13 years of marriage to my first husband I was never able to say I luve you because I saw it as a sign of weakness. My mother signed the birthday cards she gave me by her first name only. Never mommy, never I love you, no kisses or hugs.i just realized this this year at 64 years old after finding old cards in some boxes and it struck me so hard I couldn’t stop crying.
I identify myself in your experience, although I'm a woman and we're not refugees, but my mom told me exactly that; although I learned to apply that to my family so much later in life, I wish I had learned sooner.
My feelings were always corrected. You aren't sad, you are selfish. You aren't scared, you just want attention. Grow up. Be mature. Don't be weak. Sadness is for weak people. Anger is for strong people. I always felt like I wasn't good enough. Even my feelings were "wrong."
I believe if you were a child in the 50's, 60's, 70's this was very common. Feelings weren't discussed and abuse was a taboo subject. And ,you never "turned an adult in" for sexual abuse if they were known family friend or family member. Everything is out in the open now days. Everything!
@@catherinewilson1079 this was my childhood too. I never had affection or my feelings validated at all. It does cause damage and I'm paying the price now in later life.
I check all of these boxes. What I find most difficult is trying to fit in the professional world alongside folks who come from very supportive backgrounds while being held to the same standards. I get angry at my parents and extended family because I often find I struggle with basic emotional stability in the workplace.
This video hit home, especially the last half of the signs. Thinking back on my childhood, there's definitely a bunch of signs that you mentioned that fit me. I had my physical needs met but not so much the emotional ones. Part of it probably had to do with me being an "easy introverted child" and that was mistaken for "not in need of much emotional support". Later that introversion and shyness was perceived as a nuisance because it didn't fit with being socially normal behavior as a teenager - also not by myself and I couldn't change the behavior or accept myself = social anxiety.
Omg yes!! Being a quiet or "good" child can mean we don't get the support we truly need from our parents. I am so sorry you're dealing with this and I hope my tools and ways to heal are helpful for you. xoxo
@@buttercxpdraws8101 Yes, for Aspergers. Both a neuropsychologist and another expert later on, said I didn't have it. The latter one could fairly quickly rule it out. So the introversion isn't caused by that.
I easily can walk away from people whether it's relationships or friendships. I always have my guard up because i've been hurt too many times. I've essentially built a shell of armor and refuse to let others get close to me. I honestly just don't feel like I deserve to be truly happy.
100% spot on thats my life yeah i'm very compassionate to others but whenever i opened up and shared something about me, they left... and felt the need to attack me life is unfair....
It has been SOOO therapeutic watching my nieces and nephews grow up being themselves. I always thought I was so weird as a kid and now I realize I was a CHILD! And it's okay to be yourself! ❤️
I'm still struggling with all the mental and physical illness for the EN that I suffered as a child. It's something that never goes away entirely because it takes so long to recognize, and usually, even longer to treat. My heart goes to all the people that suffered this kind of abuse in the past; it's not our fault, and we certainly deserved better.
Oh wow. I have BPD and have known for a long time that I was emotionally neglected as a child but when you said the bit about parents not meaning to be neglectful and that it comes from them not knowing how to manage emotions themselves, that was a huge lightbulb moment for me.
@@K-R-C69 there is a difference between understanding whats happening and excusing whats happening you should work on your understanding of that difference
@@K-R-C69 Blaming others is not beneficial for oneself. It is also a sign of immaturity. My parents suffer from generational trauma. I do not blame them for my problems because they too did not have help. I can only help myself now and end the vicious cycle. Hope you find tools to let go of your hate too. You can always do better.
@@CityKaninthis is extremely toxic and walking the line of being victim blaming. You are excusing abusive parents. I don’t give a shit that my dad wasn’t aware of his own emotional needs. Then he shouldn’t have had children! Or let my mom have full custody, but he didn’t. Now I’ve never known a moment of peace. I’m almost 30 and I can barely function because of the repeated traumas. You know how I’m dealing with it? Getting a hysterectomy so I can’t EVER doom any poor child the suffering of being alive. All suffering you endure is 100% because your parents had you. Being born is the catalyst to ALL suffering. It’s selfish to have children in any situation. But it’s selfish AND stupid to have them when you’re not equipped to care for them in all aspects.
It helps to live long enough, I had a breakthrough in my forties now at 86 I finally accept myself and have become my best friend and accepting of others.
I was born late 1950’s. My parents marriage was not good, lots of rows & I was never shown the love & emotional support that I saw other friends getting. No hugs, & even to this day I’m not comfortable with that as it’s quite alien to me. My mother believed children should be seen & not heard. Asking for help was seen as weak & if I was upset or crying, instead of being asked why my mother would tell me to stop it or she’d give me something to cry about, which meant a smack so I soon learnt to hide upset. She’d sometimes say “what have you got to be upset about.” but never wanted to actually know why. I never tried to confide in her because I knew I would be dismissed. I can really relate to signs 5-9. I put myself down a lot & I’ve never let people in easily because I don’t want to be let down or rejected. I decided not to have children because to my shame I’m quite a lot like my mother & I didn’t feel I would have the capacity to give a child what they would need because I never had it. Those early years are so critical & can have a lasting effect if they weren’t good. Thanks for this.
This was profound for me. Every single one resonated with me. It's weird because I always felt like something was off and seeing someone who I've never met or interacted with put it all so clearly in simple words felt incredibly validating. I see both myself and my sister in most of these, and I felt like I never really had any room to complain or talk about stuff because from the outside looking in, my childhood was pretty decent. Middle class white family in the suburbs, didn't really struggle for money, everything looked fine. But I never really felt like I could open up and talk to my parents, or anyone really. It was always like no one ever cared so I just kept to myself. And that continues today in adulthood. Whenever someone asks how I'm feeling or "What's new with you?" it's always "Fine" or "Nothing". I'm trying to be better about it, and between this channel and How To ADHD, I'm getting better at being proactive about my mental health, but everything's still a struggle.
It's so weird to hear someone put into words exactly how I feel. It's comforting as well. I'm kinda floored right now, #5, #6, & #9 hit very very close to home with me.
My wife always says "but they didn't mean it that way." I see that as totally irrelevant. The effects are the same, the damage is the same, recovery is the same. And the need to create strong boundaries between yourself and the abuser, to protect yourself from further abuse, that need is the same. Making excuses for the abusers behavior is a rationalization for going back again and again for emotional validation and support, but getting more and more abuse instead. It makes some people suicidal. I wish I knew how to help someone break that cycle.
Honestly..as a mother…as well as having marked everything she said…imo my parents were emotionally neglected as well…and they didn’t know any better…they went to counseling and tied to always be improving…all in all, it wasn’t all them that were neglectful and abusive…the schools were a major part of the trauma growing up…when I was 8 the class bully ended up shoving me while we were standing in line to go in from recess…I had no idea what happened…I remember the loud bam and then I was waking up…the class was already up to the school meaning they all had to step over me to get that far…no one said anything and left me at the curb…I looked down and saw blood everywhere and mostly coming from my face…I started crying …I had no idea what happened …took them a minute to get to me….I remember chunks of things like the teacher and nurse trying to convince me my teeth were like that already…it had slammed all my teeth into my gums and busted one of my front teeth in half….I never went to the doctor for a check up…my parents got me in to see a dentist and got a temp rebuild…u could see that it was busted though…I hated it…I was 30 when I finally had my teeth fixed…but I later found out that I had also busted my nose and crush the sinus area on the right side and had chronic ear infection…from the time I was 8 till 30….The school waited 2 1/2 hours before calling my parents to come get me…mom said that when she showed up, I had started crying cuz idk they hadn’t called her…I thought she was just not coming..mom told me later after I was much older that the secretary looked irritated and told me to shut the hell up would u! I imagine having to listen to some kid who had her face curb slammed and a broken nose, cheek bone..and teeth…sitting there in pain wanting to get the he’ll away from them…for 2 1/2 hours…lol..I probably drove her nuts …my parents resent me for stirring up all that drama and making the school and the church treat us like dirt…Catholic school and my parents are very strict Catholics…it went until later when I was an adult that my dad actually considered the entire story of what happened..,he had always assumed I was causing some issue and got hurt because of something I was doing..it wasn’t the schools fault in any way…my brother had even tracked down the kid who did it..I never saw him again after that day…my brother, who to this day calls me names making fun of my teeth etc thinking it hurts me when it just really makes him looking like a useless pos , threatened the kid who shoved me and did so where everyone could see the conversation..I was humiliated…how dare he threaten that kid in a fake attempt to look like he gives a shit..so the outside world sees him as protecting his family or defending me..lol…I blame the school and always have…he was an 8 year old kid too and honestly..he never saw what happened…I literally never saw him again…he even said he didn’t remember me or what my brother was talking about…he just revamped a deep seeded pain I don’t really know how to deal with…I think I prefer not remembering…but yeah…it’s not just parents..they’re abused by the world around them and deal with the system in the best way they can…it’s really society this all stems from…
I've come to the point to kind of blame the sociaty I grew up in for fetishising the core family so much.. I have come to understand that I can't really blame my parents. I see where the dynamic we lived in came from and it goes as far as transgenerational trauma from the second world war (nothing as horrible as straight up holocaust survivers but having to leave your home because the spot of europe you grew up on will soon be polish and not german any more and having to live in refugee camps or having bombs fall around you... leaves a bit of a damage as well and it gets passed on...). and the one big thing I can see is, that I could have been spared a lot of pain if there had onle been one or two more people in the inner circle to break the dynamic. if I hand't been so utterly dependant on my parents alone for emotional support. the family bubble was just too small. but the sociaty I grew up in is build around the core family... that is still considdered to be the ideal...
Yes! I'm SO tired of hearing people say "well, they had a shitty time too during childhood" or "they weren't doing it maliciously." So??! They still get to live their lives while we suffer all day, every day.
@@erinm3567 They're also suffering though if they're just repeating the cycle. I think it's possible to see it both ways because it's not black and white.
I experienced this from both parents. I was also physically, emotionally abused from a toddler and gaslight from that age. I was abused and told it didn't happen and I dreamed it.
I had the same experience and it's not easy to let it go regardless of how much you try. Katie is so right. Get in touch with your inner child and give it all the sympathy, understanding and protection you never got. It may not change your personality, but it will help you to love yourself more.
Now all you need to do is get a neuropsych test done and swear by them and now we'll open up the doors for you the people that will ignore you and treat you like a codependent like businesses you'll bump into these bullies all over the place now that you've been through it and childhood I definitely say get CBT from not from the computer trust I'm home s with getting Reddit false beliefs as main goal
Being the 4th girl in a house where my mother only wanted a son was difficult. She finally had a son after me, so everyone was ignored besides him. Also suffering sexual abuse from my father didn't help. I identify with this so much. I am thankfully married to a great man who has helped me along, but I still struggle with my emotions, self hate and low self esteem. I find it extremely hard to connect to others and have very few "friends". I feel like I don't even have the capacity to actually love people like other people do. I worry I don't love my child or my grandchildren enough. Thank you for these tips. I am really digging in right now to this and trying to heal finally at 60.
Thanks for this. I really feel the "unhealthy independence" thing. I often feel I have a higher than average tolerance for alone time. I do, but I think you hit the reason full on in the face with that one
“What’s not there.” That hit me in the heart, right off the bat. My mom and dad had a horrible marriage. Arguing and angry with each other all the time. It was hard and they both emotionally neglected me, mostly because they were so exhausted from their marriage. Then they divorced, which was great! But then my mom was so busy just keeping up with basic survival, that she was again emotionally neglectful.
I also grew up with parents in a horrible marriage that constantly fought and verbally abused each other. My mom also cheated on my dad throughout most of the marriage and didn't even try to hide it. My parents never divorced though so I dealt with their toxic marriage into adulthood. I don't even attempt to have relationships because I'm afraid of a marriage as bad as theirs or even worse. I also fear becoming them. Then there is the added fear that my chronic low self esteem would also lead me to abusive relationships. I would just rather be alone than experience that.
checking off ALL 9...yet my "mother" claims she knows better than all the therapists, psycologists and doctors out there saying the same thing...again, Kati...I cant thank you enough!! just hearing these things have helped soooo much!!! 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
8 Tips: - Inner child work - Be more aware of your feelings - Practice the story of emotion - Describe the feeling without using the word (how it feels in your body) - Know that feelings aren't facts - Take time to recognize your needs - Mindfulness - Take it one step further (with understanding what the emotion is asking for) Thanks for putting out another one of these CN videos. It's a huge help and a topic I think we need to be more open about.
I just relapsed again with alcohol.... my body is giving out. I'll go many months clean then that demon says" you're unworthy no one cares or will ever love you, we didn't love you why do you think anyone else will. " I really try and am going at it alone. I pray to God I don't relapse again. I'm fighting for my life. I wish the best for everyone and hope we can create the lives we deserve. Day 2 of alcohol withdrawal. Please God get me through this.-Halli
This is definitely what has shaped me having an anxious attachment style, low self worth, and having emotionally abusive/toxic relationships. However, I'm doing my best to heal by getting educated and going to therapy.
This video brings up a concern within me. I’ve heard people talking to their kids in very vague ways, “…you’re in your feelings.” “Got some big feelings.” and I’ve met some people who grew up with those sorts of parents. They were all emotionally detached and often angry. Emotional intelligence is a serious thing. All emotions are worth not only acknowledging but identifying for ourselves… as children, when our parents don’t take the time to assess and inquire, those complex feelings get lumped into a dull, insufficient awareness which can excite confusion and frustration. Reminds me of the scene in Donnie Darko, in which Donnie flips out on the teacher for ignoring the entire spectrum of human emotion…
a struggle with self compassion is also using "self-care" in destructive ways. that's addiction, or sleeping a lot or indulging in unhealthy things, it's the only way we learned to "care" for ourselves because we never learned to care for ourselves.
I love that she doesn't just identify The Problem (like so many YT therapeutic videos) but actually breaks down into digestible chunks what can be done to Improve, Cope Better, & work toward Solving It. This is soooo much more helpful to me than Only focusing on The Problem in all its gnarly details! So often I've hoped for, looked for, needed solutions when going down a YT thread about these issues, but only found yet another way to look at, define, spot The Problem. Those few videos that even touch on any ways to alleviate/heal from these probs give it such short shrift, its like 90% problem & 10% solution (which just underlines the feeling that there is little to no way up or out once you've inherited this whirlwind of issues). I can't say how appreciative I am that she gave real time and thought to presenting solutions as specific, clear Actions actually targeted toward specific aspects of The Problem. This was so new to me, I even had to listen & watch some of those solutions over and over (especially the "story of an emotion"), because I'm so unfamiliar with those specifics! I want to say to her "Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!" :)
Totally agree, I am already doing work ( IFS therapy) is brilliant. But your right about YT videos only focusing on the issues. This one is a gem. Good luck and have a fruitful life
um... just found this after searching for answers. im 40 years and finally getting around to admitting i need to figure this out so I don't pass it on to my kids, or take out my trauma on them. thank you for helping me realize im not crazy, ive not been making all this up.
I come from a home where the rule was "Just ignore it, it will go away." I was bullied badly and had no support because of this internal rule. I know they did their best. But I'm still injured and have finally (at age 59) come to see that I have to be the nurturer for that inner child. It's hard work. I checked off all those traits.
I love this. I'm 52 and had two suicide attempts this year because I am fed up with hating myself. I'm on meds and seeing a psychologist but still doubt that 50 years of self hate can be changed. Kati, I will listen to more of your videos, especially the emotionally unavailable mother. Thank you 💜
I have considered the same over the years. Won’t have a gun in the house bc it may be too convenient to move forward before I can get myself to back out of any excessive thoughts. I love life and especially nature, but I know no one else I know thinks that way (suicide). I had a 16 yo niece k*ll herself 24 years ago (bullies were attacking her) and of course the family hasn’t been the same since yet her brother who is two years younger went on to get married and have 3 children of his own and is one of the happiest family units I’ve ever encountered. I found Kati after losing my husband of 35 years a year ago and having 3 other cancer deaths in the family since then. The loss of my best friend-ever has set me afloat in a giant ocean of grief and despair. I’ve always been a loner, as opposed to my gregarious sister a year older than me, but I blamed her for many of my problems over the years bc she demanded attention while I perceived I was being pushed to live the quiet life to keep my mom stress free. I felt neglected very early in life. Didn’t really even speak till I was 15 and didn’t really have anything nice to say about anything. Oh, I won’t go on. I know your comment was from a number of months ago but I still hope you see this 68 yo’s comment. In my search for direction, I only recently came across information/videos on the Stoics and it helped me immensely for my own self awareness. I hope you will search out some of those YT videos too. Between Kati and the Stoics we have an opportunity to have some good years of contentment and enjoyment on our beautiful planet. All the best to you. -please feel free to reply anytime (written under my husband’s name) -Kathleen
I can relate to these! I find it difficult to open up to others, as I don't always feel safe opening up. I am also sensitive to being rejected. I was abused as a child, emotionally neglected, physically abused... I am a survivor, and I won't let my abusers win!
I am 17, and this year I found out I had this I always believed that I felt this way because I was too sensitive. But just knowing this helps me as I can finally not blame myself for this. It's pathetic living like this, all the points you've mentioned hit really hard. I'm so independent that, I struggle asking someone for a favor. I remember sitting in art class and I accidentally forgot my eraser, I sat there for 5 minutes trying to convince myself that it was okay to ask an eraser from my classmate I try to do everything for everyone Fooling myself that it makes me happy , but that's a dull lie. I feel empty The irony is that I'm making sure this cooment dosent have any error so people don't feel uncomfortable reading this :) Have a nice day
You expressed yourself eloquently. Most people are always happy to help someone. The giver feels good about themselves when they give as much as the recipient does. My mother was always doing volunteer work. When it came time for her to accept help she had a difficult time with that.
im 17 too, and have (& still am a bit) experiencing this! i am very glad to be at this age to recognize that I am going through this and also proud of you too being able to recognize that there is something that needs to be worked on. I jusr wanted to say that you are not alone because I thought for a long time but in reality there are other people who through the same thing. ❤
Very interesting I was born in 68 and I feel probably all of these things you've talked about...as you get older you do question things in your past especially if you have children yourself and look at how your parent were with you ...I've tried over the years to see my parents up bringing after the war and my grandparents earky life and it helps you understand why they acted in certain ways ...I was angry with them for so long when I had my kids and couldn't understand why I wasn't hugged or listened to ...but I do have more understanding now of why but it still leaves me emotionally wrecked. enjoyed you're video
These issues operate on a continuum or spectrum. Some parents may simply not have been talkers. They may not have realized that children need more than food, clothing, etc. Other parents are struggling with their own problems so much that they don't have the ability to see a child has needs beyond basics. Some may see children as " just something you do at a certain age" and may even recent the "sacrifices" they had to make. Some are decent people who will provide basics for you but who are anxious for you to grow up and get out of the house. They really aren't interested in who you are. They don't enjoy you. They, fortunately for us, recognized they owned us something (basics) but. like the baby bird once out of the nest, their job is done. It was a job, nothing more. It can take a long time to recognize where your parents were on this spectrum. Little things they do or don't do and the lack of connection once you are grown will tell you what you mean to them. It can be devastating to realize you were never loved.
How to do the "story of an emotion"- Recognize: -The event that prompted it. - Thoughts about that emotion. -What were the physical sensations accompanying the emotion. -Urges that came with the emotion. -What expressive behaviors were associated with the emotion (did you yell, did you cry, etc). -What were the interpretations of the original event in real time. (Not later interpretations and further analyzing). -What happend prior to the event, that made you more vulnerable to emotional dysregulation (didn't get enough sleep, just had an argument with someone, etc). -How does the emotion affect your life afterwards (made you embarrased/ made you exhausted etc). This is from the video "Emotion regulation" by Doc Snipes.
I like what you said about looking at childhood photos. My brother and I spent some time looking over old photos and talking about what was going on with us at that time. We both realized that what we had been feeling in those moments, even when it wasn't the same for both of us, was valid. It was weirdly sad and affirming at the same time. Really ended up being very healing for us both. I would recommend that to anyone who has a sibling they can trust to do this with.
Once again, you’ve totally made me really evaluate myself in a way to better understand why I do what I do. Af first I was like, love my folks, no way they EN me as a child. Then, this video. Absolutely love my folks but man how suppression of any emotion absolutely will eventually manifest in other ways somehow. Oh and Hello fellow GenX’ers. This is all of us. The “I got this, cuz I am all who I’ve got” generation lol
Also, I appreciate your straightforward, yet compassionate, approach. It's not overwhelming or fake, it's not lacking emotion nor is it too much emotion.
It’s more than a little scary how accurately this describes me. I don’t know that I can do the work of healing. The thought of it alone makes me panic (and there’s always so much to do just to keep the machine of job and family and community obligations moving, what other energy is left?). That sounds like a whine-I’m grateful for all these clearly presented videos.
Even making 5-10 minutes a day for yourself can be enough. Sometimes just getting up a few min early (or staying up a few mins later) can give us the time to tap in and start becoming more aware of how we are feeling :) xoxo
@@Katimorton Even just hearing that it’s fine to give 5 or so minutes to it is helpful, somehow. I’m going to try. I really sometimes just need to hear that and get that light push. (Thank you.)
I know I'm emotionally neglected, parents got divorced and mum dropped me off to my most amazing grandparents.. But she is around every day, dad never NEVER, even if we lived 10 minutes apart.. After I got married and my grandparents died, my older brother also, I communicate with mum minimum. Dad sent me fb friend request, my husband accepted and I got the urge to provoke him, passive aggressive, with the posts. Last 2months I started realizing that they were 23 years old and probably didn't knew better.. Next day family called to say that my dad died, that morning.. I never thought that I'd be sad not to cry.. But happened that I was crying 4 weeks full from my soul.. Maybe I cried for the family I never had, but needed the most
This video nailed me in a scary but good way. I’ve learned alot of coping skills by now at age 74 but this video describes the process in words I could never put together. I’ve finally concluded that neither one of my parents had emotional support either and actually did the best they could under the circumstances. Once I accepted that I felt a lot more peace but I still struggle with feeling numb. I had to take care of a family of 5 kids from age 9 because my mother had mental illness. But I forgive both my parents for what I went through. Forgiving helps tremendously. I’m grateful for this video. It will help me with further growth and I’m grateful. Thank you.
The nine signs: tick, tick, tick, tick, tick tick, tick, tick, tick. So the second part about how to overcome childhood emotional neglect is really helpful. Thank you.
Thank you for this. It's so easy to ignore these issues but they can debilitate someone if left unaddressed or unacknowledged. I've done 45 years of healing to recover from unspeakable neglect and abuse. It gets easier but seems to be a life-long process. Thank you for all your help. It's making a difference! 👍
Girlfriend you are wise beyond your years! I am 69 years old and it explains a hell of a lot of why I act the way I do! This was eye opening and helpful!
I've dealt with all of these throughout my life, but I'm glad I made the initiative to get into long term therapy and have been working to improve my difficulties. I have recently broken 2 as a habit and realized 8 was also a factor for why I struggled so much with 3, which helped with 6. 1 is a constant battle but I have learned to just give myself time to take in situations that make me upset and dig into the underlying reasoning behind the emotion(s). This has helped with 4 and 9. I'm lucky enough to have friends that help point out 7 in a healthy way that helps me recognize I am using 5 as a lens to see life instead of seeing reality. It's been a struggle navigating through higher education with cPTSD but determination has been my driving force to get through the extended bachelor's path. Overall, proud of all the work I've put in to overcome the many obstacles I've faced due to childhood trauma
I am working through my childhood emotional neglect with my therapist right now. We are working through a book called Running on Empty. It is helpful to structure the process.
I've always known my parents loved me and I them, but I must admit all 9 points definitely apply to me. Maybe it's because I was the oldest of 7 and felt like my own feelings weren't important because my younger siblings all needed my parents' attention more, or maybe it's just because I can't remember ever learning about feelings or hearing my parents talk about them. Going to a counselor recently is really the first time I've started to assign names to my own feelings instead of simply ignoring them. I wish I could tell you how it feels to finally do that but I haven't gotten that far yet 🙃
A lot of people don't remember their abuse because of dissociative of amnesia or they were so brainwashed it takes them till they're elderly to realize they've been abused. Try watching Patrick teahans videos about dysfunctional and narcissistic family systems. It sounds like you were the forgotten child in your family system. You could also watch Dr.ramani, Lisa romano, and many other YT channels that talk on trauma. You could maybe even have BPD from neglect and or abuse which has symptoms like this. These are symptoms of CPTSD and while all personality disorders are off branches of complex trauma BPD is the closest to CPTSD. To the point Dr's will ask ppl if they want a BPD diagnosis or a CPTSD diagnosis which is insane Because they should diagnose both. Psychiatry is a money hungry mess. If psychiatrist admit mental illness comes from trauma like how some psychologist and psycho-therapist do they know they'll loose momey.
I totally identify. I was oldest of 6. Navy brat, raised in baptist church and my parents were hugely involved with Church. I definitely was peace keeper between my parents who started falling apart when I was 12 so I intercepted the kids drama to keep things mellow and even though. I was dealing with being gay and the scorn of the god I loved and couldn't talk to anyone about my emotional disaster brewing. My parents loved me and I love them still. I just was in the wrong family or era. Haha I hope you find healing.
i was just told to SHUT up and stop being a BABY every time I cried due to them RIDICULING me.....I don't know how I have lived this long......the guy I am with now is the same...he orders me to NEVER cry or show my feelings in his presence......he also has called me a baby and said put on your big girl pants etc etc......I love him so much but he hurts me alot.....then I get to feeling that I don't derserve love at all....and that no one will ever love me......
Year ago i would say the same. Now i see i was neglected as i am invisible oldest child, not everything applies but i will not dwell in the fog pretending that it is, was ok when it never was. Now i see it.
You nailed my childhood in spades which is the foundation of life. The best part of this video is how to deal with it when you are an adult. It explains so much about my adult life including who i am married to. I did my best to shield it all from my kids when they were growing up but I was honest with them about my childhood. I tried to be the best dad I could. My kids called me their Mom Dad without the book club for years as my wife wasn’t there much. It’s a lonely life but one I have learned to live with unfortunately.
Wow! I just found this channel for the first time and what insight Kati gives. Six years ago the woman I absolutely loved the most unexpectedly left with little to no warning, that I saw, anyway. I had known her a long time and I have been a friend of her family for many years, so I already knew she had a rough childhood, both emotionally and sexually, but in my finite thinking I thought she was strong and had overcome most of it. After she left, in the manner which she did, I felt betrayed and I was very angry and judgmental towards her. This video also opened my eyes to my own past. I realize she is probably gone forever, but now I'm more compassionate towards her and she will be in my prayers.
So many of these signs were extremely relatable and some I wasn't consciously aware of. I've been on a journey of self-awareness, healing and growth since the past few years and this video helped me understand myself even better. Thank you for all that you do, Kati. I appreciate you a lot! :)
Kati I have spent over 20 years working on my inner child with a therapist. Very, very difficult to finally heal her. She always talked to me through poetry. A few years ago I put all of her poems into a book and had it published. Once I did that she became totally calm and happy. Finally she told her story and people believed her. Finally I feel like an adult and free. I can breathe.
9/9…….I’m 38, I started figuring things out when I was 37. It’s mind blowing how many others in my age range are just now discovering the truth as well. I don’t feel hate, pain or anger as I look back. It’s more like a numb sense of understanding why I am the way I am. The anger is at myself and that I didn’t see it sooner. I mean it’s like, okay I get it……but now what the hell do I do?
Here’s what you do…..tell yourself that it’s totally ok that you didn’t get it before! And that now that you do get it you are going to finally work on yourself …… put yourself at the front of the line…..and give yourself what you need. You are worthy of love and respect….all people are because we were created with intrinsic value. I am 64 and just in the last year realized that both my parents were narcissists…..it’s been quite a journey of revelation. And I know I have made my own mistakes as a result of these relationships. This video has just nailed many of the problems I struggle with as a result of that. The great news is that I am free to move on and learn how to be gracious with myself…. kinder to myself. If I could say only 1 thing to you…..BE KIND TO YOURSELF…..YOU ARE WORTH IT!
Man a lot of these are hitting so close to home for me I can be independent to a fault, have difficulty identifying my emotions, and struggling with shame. I’m glad I found this video
I always knew I formed some bad habits because I felt lonely most of my childhood and teen years, but I didn't give much thought to neglect being one of the problems. I could say yes to every single one of those points without even having to think about it. I know it's true 'cause I don't feel any better or worse for having learned it. Though I do feel strangely relieved now that I know for certain I'm not the only one who's gone through this.
I finally decided to TRY inner child work, even though I scoffed at how dumb it sounded . I was shocked to see that one earnest approach paid off tremendously.
Thank you for this video, Kati. The tips on overcoming the experiences are valuable to me. I'm really in on the sign of self-reliance. And that if someone shows emotional interest in me, I get weary, distrustful. One parent had the opinion that love needs to be earned by good behavior. The other parent was hooked on the idea that the family needs to be running like a well-greased machine. No disruption accepted. Disruption being not agreeing to the "family opinion", i.e. having different thoughts, not getting good grades, in general not abiding to the plan that was laid out. No, I'm not hating my parents for that, they themselves came out of dysfunctional families each. And their childhood monster was WW2, hunger, imprisonment, escape.
I’m grateful for your videos. I’m 39 and just now able to focus on myself and my growth and healing. Signs 4, 5, & 6 really apply to me and you make me feel understood. Edit: I love how you provide ways to overcome childhood emotional neglect. Thank you 🙏🏽 😭
Thank you for this insightful video. It wasn’t until I was in my fifties that I fully realised how emotional neglect and the total absence of affection in my childhood had made it impossible for me to be a happy adult with a fulfilling romantic relationship. I married in my forties and although we have two wonderful children, it was the only thing that kept us together for two decades, along with my never ending self sacrifice and tending to the needs of my cold unloving wife. It turned out that I had chosen a partner who was very much like my mother. Because I have two fantastic children I cannot say that my life has been wasted, but it could have been so much better. I wish I had had this insight into my childhood when I was in my twenties, so I could have changed my life. Going back to my childhood is just plainly too painful. I have no photographs because it just upsets me too much to see myself as a child. I am now over sixty, and happily divorced. My children do struggle with the lack of affection from their mother, but I am lavishing them with all my love, support and praise. I will probably never find happiness with a partner again, but I have great friends who kept me alive through the years. And next year, I am getting a dog 😅, something my ex wife always refused…
You won't regret getting a dog, the love they give you is just the most pure that you'll ever experience. And you never know, you may meet a potential friend/partner while out walking, because most people with dogs are the best people. I hope it all goes well.
Thank you so much Kati, I really enjoyed watching your video. Like hitting the jackpot I hit them all and I identified with all 9 signs and symptoms of CEN. By the time I left home at 17 yrs, I had so much pain inside, I was suicidal! However, through all that despairities, I managed the next 40 years soul searching, taking all sorts of self-help workshops, studied psychology and spirituality just to feel maybe one day, I could feel whole and be a worthy human being; I was just SO broken! I am also most grateful to have been in therapy just about my entire adult life trying to get my head screw back on right (and to which I am in gratitude) that many of my therapists nurtured me back to a healthier human being. Doing all the hard work has not been an easy journey but because of the hard work is how I got be where I am today. I realized that some things might always be a trigger for me at any one time, but I trust myself now to know how to get me through it using the many tools I learned along the way in finding my even footing. Now I know I love myself and that I am truly a worthy human being...it's been a very long journey but glad I am here now:-) Namaste!
I'm 50 years old and was diagnosed with BPD about 7 years ago and found you immediately while researching and felt like you understood me and described me. This video make me sob because I finally heard exact details about what I felt while growing up and still deal with today with my elderly parents. I'm still not heard or listened to which has and has effected my life so deeply. I've been a wonderful relationship for the past 5 years after DBT and CBT work but I've never been able to really connect with this wonderful man in a way that's kind or appropriate. This really made me understand why. I plan on attending your workshop. Desperately needed! Thanks Katie!
Omg I hit all of these signs! Now I understand why I have such a hard time with relationships, both interpersonal and intrapersonal. I am definitely taking this information with me to my therapist this week! Thank you Kati!💕
This is very helpful to me , thank you xx At 73 the little girl I was lived such a sad trauma filled childhood but, despite it she was such a good child , I wish she had been loved and nurtured .
I relate to parts of this. After my dad died (1965 - I was 5 yo), my mother was told by the pediatrician not to be too emotional or touchy or we'd become "mama's boys". Before that we we (according to my mother) very touchy and huggy. Different time, but terrible advice. I don't blame her - I blame the pediatrician and his stupidity.
The worst memory I have was when recently after my younger brother committed su1cide, my oldest brother admitted to me and my parents he's self-harm*d since he was 15 (he's 27 now). My mother then asked, "How could you do that to me?" That's when I realized I never really had parents and I've lived 25 years of my life being my own mother.
Yup. Me too. I let go of the mother I wished I had. That was essential in moving on in life. Good luck. Dr Ramani and Dr Les Carter have good videos on UA-cam also. Jay REID is really good too, I like him a lot. Good luck w everything 👍😁❤️
So much of this resonated with me. I remember hearing, “that’s your mother’s job” so often with emotional questions and general life questions. That was doubly problematic since our parents divorced early in childhood and we spent a week with each… so I just never found answers. Thank you so much, Kati. I appreciate you and all the supportive educators making helpful content for people willing to put in the self-work and find therapy. Thank you.
Watching this video, it's like you and I sat down and had a session. This was me 100%, I remember when I was in school as a kid, I got dumped and was devastated, it was my first girlfriend, and I always wanted one. I told me parents and I was upset, my asshole father laughed at me. This is very common in my life. Thank God I'm in the best relationship with my wife right now, we've just celebrated 18 years married. I also have a hard time managing my emotions, when I get upset, it's like the dial went up to 11. I've told you this before Kati, but Thank You for saving lives, I truly believe you do so, with your content.
After years of self educating, making drastic changes, taking huge risks and being in therapy, I can tell that emotional neglect is a therapeutic term much easier to deal with for a client than “being unloved” would.
I'm afraid over the last 15 years I've become increasingly more bitter, distant and cynical because of how often I heard those words and there seems to be literally no solution. Therapy is the process of being abandoned over and over again and I don't know how to fix it.
I literally just said this to myself - what happens then? I experienced this!! Especially for an only child like me. It was hard. I feel like i check these boxes off but i also feel strong in these capacities when im in the right state of mind.
@@A_ndrea With me, althought it took me years to realize this, I started leaving my dad "out" mentally. For instance, if I was talking about my parents to someone, I would mentally much more refer to my mom than to my dad. My dad was there for more of the material things (like driving me places)--if we asked first. He NEVER offered things when I was younger. I learned that it was better for me to talk to mom first, then let dad know. Otherwise, I would get this stoney look a good chunk of the time....like I was an inconvience to him or something.
@@truthh8597 Not necessarily. I was emotionally neglected by my dad as a kid, but I don't have bipolar or borderline. I do have PTSD though, relating to my dad's death though, no his emotional neglect.
This one describes me to a T. You talked about it in another video a while ago so I knew it would. Getting past this is tough but CBT is very affective for it! I was in therapy for 2 years and I have so much more confidence now.
Found Kati after seeing her collaboration with dr les carter. What a gift dr carter is by bringing people to the table that can help us further. Kati is really good at understanding and giving back what as children we just didn't have words for and now struggle to understand as adults. Thank you Kati for being part of the team of people supporting us in our growth ✌
She nailed me, for sure. I have been suicidal for years, thinking of running away, but knowing I had no where to go. Now, I'm over 70 and I have a wonderful wife who has taken care of my needs and allows me to take care of her, a very good feeling.
I think I tick all of the boxes... I entered therapy 7 months ago and it feels like I'm improving, though I can't help feeling sad for myself. Great video as always Kati!
I'm doing a LIVE Inner Child Workshop August 12 and 19, you can register for it here: katimorton.com/the-shop/p/live-innerchild-workshop
Can someone help me with the time zones? What time is this in Europe/Germany? Thanks 🙏
Hi Katie, Is PayPal the only way you can pay for Workshop? I'm having issues with my PayPal account. It's not going through.
@@ConnyWeirdWorld in Deutschland ist es dann 20 Uhr 😊
@@LeaEschi Super, herzlichen Dank! :) Dann bin ich auch dabei 👍
@katimorton
Kati, I'm interested in attending your workshop. May I pay with any other form of payment other than PayPal?
Sign number 10. You’re on youtube looking for these videos.
Totally
😂😂😂😂😂😂
@@Norman8829 Love it!!
-A difficult time regulating emotions
-Have a pattern of unhealthy relationships
-Difficulties engaging in relationships
-Feel Numb/Empty
-Struggles with self-compassion
-Unhealthy independence (counterdependency)
-Shame
-rejection sensitivity
-easily overwhelmed and discouraged
Thank you!! xoxo
Thank you!!
@@Vadamur your welcome guys!!! Glad u liked the video!
bingo!
Thank you.
Can you believe, I’m seventy and have finally connected the dots!
me too
60, I connected the dots decades ago and called dad on his b.s. His reply was "tough shit". What an asshole. I am not in contact with the loser! I deserve a better father than him!
I connected the dots at 36. Imagine how much generational trauma we could break, if only more and more people would connect the dots...Self-awareness and consciousness are the keys❤
57! Me too!!!
I'm 33. I cannot express how thankful I am for platforms like UA-cam. I always knew something was wrong, I just could never figure out what it was
I found her videos around the same time I turned 4O. I'm 45 now. In the 5 years of watching these, it's as if she's telling me, "welcome to your life, this is what's been going on and why". It's depressing and empowering at the same time.
xoxo
Literally
At least knowing that so many of us have gone thru similar experiences makes me feel not as alone
I get that. 😌 Good luck and stay on the path 🙏 ✨️ 💕 I will also give it a go ... 🚶♀️ 😊
@@orianaterravecchia3333 that's so true.
For many of us, we did have food and shelter and other positive things in our childhood but that was it from our parents.
Sure wish I had the internet growing up. It might have saved me
I'm 67 and wish I had encountered this piece of information 40 years ago. I had always suspected I suffered from childhood mental abuse but hesitated to use the term, because it felt disloyal. Now I see so clearly how it has affected my adult life.
I'm here, too. Feels like a wasted life.
Same age and I feel like it's been a wasted life.
Helps to remember that the moms of us 60 to 70 year olds were the first to be given "moms Lil helper" by doctors. Valium was handed out to stay at home moms freely in Canada and USA. So this created more emotionally absentee moms at key developmental times. We don't always know they were taking it, but it helps explain those moms who had long naps, were emotionally flat, and we kept checking on them for feedback. Just another element that wasn't as obvious as alcohol.
Same, but isn’t it also great that we can spend the rest of our lives trying to be the best of ourselves. Never give up! Understanding ourselves better will only help others and ourselves of course.
I understand how you feel about feeling disloyal, I did too. I really appreciated that Kati prefaced her talk by saying, our parents likely didn't have a true understanding of their own emotions, so they really didn't know how to help their own children with these issues.
That way we aren't blaming them, at least not for that. Lol.
Five weeks in a mental health hospital and the top takeaway was I had never had my own feelings.
When my youngest grandson was three my daughter called to tell me he loved me. I realized I had no idea what being loved felt like. I asked my daughter how she could tell. She said he talks about you all the time when you aren’t here. I was 63.
The not knowing what love really is makes me think wow that’s extremely sad. I’m going through the process of allowing God to re-parent me and I’m learning a lot about myself.
I’m 52.
So if I relate to all 9 of these signs and barely remember anything from my childhood except being alone in my room, I probably need to get professional help, huh?
me too
Same, I’ve been in therapy for two years…still feel this way 🤷♀️
@@Norman8829with not a single ounce of irony. I just started learning how to pray. I'm not very religious but I found that talking to my creator has really soothed a lot of that deep sense of loneliness and isolation and fear of connection.
Same girl, same. I hope you get the help you deserve. 💕
I am 52 years old and still dealing with childhood emotional neglect , CPTSD, and other undiagnosed issues. This is profound. Thank you!
Hi 👋 how are you doing?
@@franklinstephen3268. dude. No.
@@Toni_Snark No what?
@Karl with a K having done therapy for years, I AGREE with you, in fact, I personally feel my mental health was WORSE for it, in fact I KNOW it did. Then they just want to dope you up. I'm med free now, and dealing it's all you can do
I'm older and still stuck
My mother consistently told my brother and I growing up, “never reveal anything about yourself to anyone, for any reason, under any circumstance.” To me, that also included my family. So I never confided in her and came to her with my problems. The few times I did, she told me not to be so sensitive as boys don’t do that. I feel this has really impacted my developing avoidant attachment to people in my life and in general.
I am so sorry you grew up with such extreme limitations on your emotional vulnerability. If you're able to start learning about your emotions little by little, and maybe (if it feels okay) seeing a therapist, you can heal that avoidant attachment. xoxo
@@Katimorton We are refugees from Vietnam who escaped the war. I recognize that it’s an enormous challenge for immigrant refugee parents who have experienced extreme trauma and PTSD to raise their children in a totally foreign environment and have to deal with xenophobia and racism. Also, culturally we don’t share our emotions as it’s a sign of weakness and have to take things with a stiff upper lip. So I get the reasons why they were emotionally unavailable and instilled paranoia and distrust in everyone and stressed self reliance only. I understand the reasons behind all this but I’m not excusing it.
My mother said the same thing, she said that people aren’t imterested in hearing your problems and feelings. It makes you vulnerable and people can take advantage of you. As if by feeling emotions you somehow become less worthy. As a result in 13 years of marriage to my first husband I was never able to say I luve you because I saw it as a sign of weakness. My mother signed the birthday cards she gave me by her first name only. Never mommy, never I love you, no kisses or hugs.i just realized this this year at 64 years old after finding old cards in some boxes and it struck me so hard I couldn’t stop crying.
I identify myself in your experience, although I'm a woman and we're not refugees, but my mom told me exactly that; although I learned to apply that to my family so much later in life, I wish I had learned sooner.
My feelings were always corrected. You aren't sad, you are selfish. You aren't scared, you just want attention. Grow up. Be mature. Don't be weak. Sadness is for weak people. Anger is for strong people. I always felt like I wasn't good enough. Even my feelings were "wrong."
I believe if you were a child in the 50's, 60's, 70's this was very common. Feelings weren't discussed and abuse was a taboo subject. And ,you never "turned an adult in" for sexual abuse if they were known family friend or family member. Everything is out in the open now days. Everything!
80’s as well, we aren’t left out of that boat unfortunately. The 90’s opened peoples minds to gentle and mindful parenting.
@@MsTinkerbelle87 well, that just ain't true
Absolutely! Feelings were unacceptable. Hugs were not given. Love never offered.
@@MsTinkerbelle87 true, can totally relate. God bless you.
@@catherinewilson1079 this was my childhood too. I never had affection or my feelings validated at all. It does cause damage and I'm paying the price now in later life.
I check all of these boxes. What I find most difficult is trying to fit in the professional world alongside folks who come from very supportive backgrounds while being held to the same standards. I get angry at my parents and extended family because I often find I struggle with basic emotional stability in the workplace.
A therapist helped me , you are worth it.
This video hit home, especially the last half of the signs. Thinking back on my childhood, there's definitely a bunch of signs that you mentioned that fit me. I had my physical needs met but not so much the emotional ones. Part of it probably had to do with me being an "easy introverted child" and that was mistaken for "not in need of much emotional support". Later that introversion and shyness was perceived as a nuisance because it didn't fit with being socially normal behavior as a teenager - also not by myself and I couldn't change the behavior or accept myself = social anxiety.
Omg yes!! Being a quiet or "good" child can mean we don't get the support we truly need from our parents. I am so sorry you're dealing with this and I hope my tools and ways to heal are helpful for you. xoxo
I can really relate!
Oh my god, Im in the exact same boat... I hope it works out for us dawg
Ever been assessed for autism?
@@buttercxpdraws8101 Yes, for Aspergers. Both a neuropsychologist and another expert later on, said I didn't have it. The latter one could fairly quickly rule it out. So the introversion isn't caused by that.
I easily can walk away from people whether it's relationships or friendships. I always have my guard up because i've been hurt too many times. I've essentially built a shell of armor and refuse to let others get close to me. I honestly just don't feel like I deserve to be truly happy.
100% spot on
thats my life
yeah i'm very compassionate to others
but whenever i opened up and shared something about me, they left... and felt the need to attack me
life is unfair....
It has been SOOO therapeutic watching my nieces and nephews grow up being themselves. I always thought I was so weird as a kid and now I realize I was a CHILD! And it's okay to be yourself! ❤️
I'm still struggling with all the mental and physical illness for the EN that I suffered as a child. It's something that never goes away entirely because it takes so long to recognize, and usually, even longer to treat. My heart goes to all the people that suffered this kind of abuse in the past; it's not our fault, and we certainly deserved better.
You all did deserve better :) xoxo
🎯
Thank you, same to you, K
🙏❤️
YES 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥀🙌 HUG'S
@@Katimorton OF course WE ..... DESERVED THE BEST but didn't get it is the REALITY
Oh wow. I have BPD and have known for a long time that I was emotionally neglected as a child but when you said the bit about parents not meaning to be neglectful and that it comes from them not knowing how to manage emotions themselves, that was a huge lightbulb moment for me.
This therapist is trying to rationalize and excuse your parents' neglectful behavior. Don't allow her to convince you to do the same.
@@K-R-C69 there is a difference between understanding whats happening and excusing whats happening
you should work on your understanding of that difference
@@derda1304 - And perhaps you'll work on thinking more critically about the things you hear and read.
@@K-R-C69 Blaming others is not beneficial for oneself. It is also a sign of immaturity. My parents suffer from generational trauma. I do not blame them for my problems because they too did not have help. I can only help myself now and end the vicious cycle.
Hope you find tools to let go of your hate too. You can always do better.
@@CityKaninthis is extremely toxic and walking the line of being victim blaming. You are excusing abusive parents. I don’t give a shit that my dad wasn’t aware of his own emotional needs. Then he shouldn’t have had children! Or let my mom have full custody, but he didn’t. Now I’ve never known a moment of peace. I’m almost 30 and I can barely function because of the repeated traumas. You know how I’m dealing with it? Getting a hysterectomy so I can’t EVER doom any poor child the suffering of being alive. All suffering you endure is 100% because your parents had you. Being born is the catalyst to ALL suffering. It’s selfish to have children in any situation. But it’s selfish AND stupid to have them when you’re not equipped to care for them in all aspects.
It helps to live long enough, I had a breakthrough in my forties now at 86 I finally accept myself and have become my best friend and accepting of others.
I was born late 1950’s. My parents marriage was not good, lots of rows & I was never shown the love & emotional support that I saw other friends getting. No hugs, & even to this day I’m not comfortable with that as it’s quite alien to me. My mother believed children should be seen & not heard. Asking for help was seen as weak & if I was upset or crying, instead of being asked why my mother would tell me to stop it or she’d give me something to cry about, which meant a smack so I soon learnt to hide upset. She’d sometimes say “what have you got to be upset about.” but never wanted to actually know why. I never tried to confide in her because I knew I would be dismissed. I can really relate to signs 5-9. I put myself down a lot & I’ve never let people in easily because I don’t want to be let down or rejected. I decided not to have children because to my shame I’m quite a lot like my mother & I didn’t feel I would have the capacity to give a child what they would need because I never had it. Those early years are so critical & can have a lasting effect if they weren’t good. Thanks for this.
This was profound for me. Every single one resonated with me. It's weird because I always felt like something was off and seeing someone who I've never met or interacted with put it all so clearly in simple words felt incredibly validating. I see both myself and my sister in most of these, and I felt like I never really had any room to complain or talk about stuff because from the outside looking in, my childhood was pretty decent. Middle class white family in the suburbs, didn't really struggle for money, everything looked fine. But I never really felt like I could open up and talk to my parents, or anyone really. It was always like no one ever cared so I just kept to myself. And that continues today in adulthood. Whenever someone asks how I'm feeling or "What's new with you?" it's always "Fine" or "Nothing". I'm trying to be better about it, and between this channel and How To ADHD, I'm getting better at being proactive about my mental health, but everything's still a struggle.
You wrote the story of my life!
It's so weird to hear someone put into words exactly how I feel. It's comforting as well. I'm kinda floored right now, #5, #6, & #9 hit very very close to home with me.
You took the words right outta my mouth.
Same it’s crazy
GOOD 👍 now what I GONNA Do about it
I completely agree I’ve never had anything resonate with me as fully as this did from start to finish. I’m lost for words
My wife always says "but they didn't mean it that way."
I see that as totally irrelevant. The effects are the same, the damage is the same, recovery is the same.
And the need to create strong boundaries between yourself and the abuser, to protect yourself from further abuse, that need is the same.
Making excuses for the abusers behavior is a rationalization for going back again and again for emotional validation and support, but getting more and more abuse instead.
It makes some people suicidal. I wish I knew how to help someone break that cycle.
Excusing the abuser is also dismissive of what you experienced. It's basically a conversation stopper.
Honestly..as a mother…as well as having marked everything she said…imo my parents were emotionally neglected as well…and they didn’t know any better…they went to counseling and tied to always be improving…all in all, it wasn’t all them that were neglectful and abusive…the schools were a major part of the trauma growing up…when I was 8 the class bully ended up shoving me while we were standing in line to go in from recess…I had no idea what happened…I remember the loud bam and then I was waking up…the class was already up to the school meaning they all had to step over me to get that far…no one said anything and left me at the curb…I looked down and saw blood everywhere and mostly coming from my face…I started crying …I had no idea what happened …took them a minute to get to me….I remember chunks of things like the teacher and nurse trying to convince me my teeth were like that already…it had slammed all my teeth into my gums and busted one of my front teeth in half….I never went to the doctor for a check up…my parents got me in to see a dentist and got a temp rebuild…u could see that it was busted though…I hated it…I was 30 when I finally had my teeth fixed…but I later found out that I had also busted my nose and crush the sinus area on the right side and had chronic ear infection…from the time I was 8 till 30….The school waited 2 1/2 hours before calling my parents to come get me…mom said that when she showed up, I had started crying cuz idk they hadn’t called her…I thought she was just not coming..mom told me later after I was much older that the secretary looked irritated and told me to shut the hell up would u! I imagine having to listen to some kid who had her face curb slammed and a broken nose, cheek bone..and teeth…sitting there in pain wanting to get the he’ll away from them…for 2 1/2 hours…lol..I probably drove her nuts …my parents resent me for stirring up all that drama and making the school and the church treat us like dirt…Catholic school and my parents are very strict Catholics…it went until later when I was an adult that my dad actually considered the entire story of what happened..,he had always assumed I was causing some issue and got hurt because of something I was doing..it wasn’t the schools fault in any way…my brother had even tracked down the kid who did it..I never saw him again after that day…my brother, who to this day calls me names making fun of my teeth etc thinking it hurts me when it just really makes him looking like a useless pos , threatened the kid who shoved me and did so where everyone could see the conversation..I was humiliated…how dare he threaten that kid in a fake attempt to look like he gives a shit..so the outside world sees him as protecting his family or defending me..lol…I blame the school and always have…he was an 8 year old kid too and honestly..he never saw what happened…I literally never saw him again…he even said he didn’t remember me or what my brother was talking about…he just revamped a deep seeded pain I don’t really know how to deal with…I think I prefer not remembering…but yeah…it’s not just parents..they’re abused by the world around them and deal with the system in the best way they can…it’s really society this all stems from…
I've come to the point to kind of blame the sociaty I grew up in for fetishising the core family so much.. I have come to understand that I can't really blame my parents. I see where the dynamic we lived in came from and it goes as far as transgenerational trauma from the second world war (nothing as horrible as straight up holocaust survivers but having to leave your home because the spot of europe you grew up on will soon be polish and not german any more and having to live in refugee camps or having bombs fall around you... leaves a bit of a damage as well and it gets passed on...). and the one big thing I can see is, that I could have been spared a lot of pain if there had onle been one or two more people in the inner circle to break the dynamic. if I hand't been so utterly dependant on my parents alone for emotional support. the family bubble was just too small. but the sociaty I grew up in is build around the core family... that is still considdered to be the ideal...
Yes! I'm SO tired of hearing people say "well, they had a shitty time too during childhood" or "they weren't doing it maliciously."
So??! They still get to live their lives while we suffer all day, every day.
@@erinm3567 They're also suffering though if they're just repeating the cycle. I think it's possible to see it both ways because it's not black and white.
I experienced this from both parents. I was also physically, emotionally abused from a toddler and gaslight from that age. I was abused and told it didn't happen and I dreamed it.
That's so awful. I hope you are healing. 💕
That's on them,it's their mistake ,don't listen to them,be your own wonderful person
I had the same experience and it's not easy to let it go regardless of how much you try. Katie is so right. Get in touch with your inner child and give it all the sympathy, understanding and protection you never got. It may not change your personality, but it will help you to love yourself more.
Right 👍 YOUR NOT ALONE
Now all you need to do is get a neuropsych test done and swear by them and now we'll open up the doors for you the people that will ignore you and treat you like a codependent like businesses you'll bump into these bullies all over the place now that you've been through it and childhood I definitely say get CBT from not from the computer trust I'm home s with getting Reddit false beliefs as main goal
Being the 4th girl in a house where my mother only wanted a son was difficult. She finally had a son after me, so everyone was ignored besides him. Also suffering sexual abuse from my father didn't help. I identify with this so much. I am thankfully married to a great man who has helped me along, but I still struggle with my emotions, self hate and low self esteem. I find it extremely hard to connect to others and have very few "friends". I feel like I don't even have the capacity to actually love people like other people do. I worry I don't love my child or my grandchildren enough. Thank you for these tips. I am really digging in right now to this and trying to heal finally at 60.
tapped on that notification reallll quick
Same here.
Thanks for this. I really feel the "unhealthy independence" thing. I often feel I have a higher than average tolerance for alone time. I do, but I think you hit the reason full on in the face with that one
“What’s not there.”
That hit me in the heart, right off the bat.
My mom and dad had a horrible marriage. Arguing and angry with each other all the time. It was hard and they both emotionally neglected me, mostly because they were so exhausted from their marriage. Then they divorced, which was great! But then my mom was so busy just keeping up with basic survival, that she was again emotionally neglectful.
I also grew up with parents in a horrible marriage that constantly fought and verbally abused each other. My mom also cheated on my dad throughout most of the marriage and didn't even try to hide it. My parents never divorced though so I dealt with their toxic marriage into adulthood. I don't even attempt to have relationships because I'm afraid of a marriage as bad as theirs or even worse. I also fear becoming them. Then there is the added fear that my chronic low self esteem would also lead me to abusive relationships. I would just rather be alone than experience that.
I lived through the same thing Autumn
THAT'S CHILD ABUSE NEGLECT
checking off ALL 9...yet my "mother" claims she knows better than all the therapists, psycologists and doctors out there saying the same thing...again, Kati...I cant thank you enough!! just hearing these things have helped soooo much!!! 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
8 Tips:
- Inner child work
- Be more aware of your feelings
- Practice the story of emotion
- Describe the feeling without using the word (how it feels in your body)
- Know that feelings aren't facts
- Take time to recognize your needs
- Mindfulness
- Take it one step further (with understanding what the emotion is asking for)
Thanks for putting out another one of these CN videos. It's a huge help and a topic I think we need to be more open about.
youre not my thoughts buff oily men!
Good stuff👍
Thank you!
TRUSTING SELF ONLY.... BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE WAS TRUST WORTHY... ESPECIALLY ACTIVE ALCOHOLICS, ACTIVE ADDICTS
I just relapsed again with alcohol.... my body is giving out. I'll go many months clean then that demon says" you're unworthy no one cares or will ever love you, we didn't love you why do you think anyone else will. " I really try and am going at it alone. I pray to God I don't relapse again. I'm fighting for my life. I wish the best for everyone and hope we can create the lives we deserve. Day 2 of alcohol withdrawal. Please God get me through this.-Halli
the fact that this was on my recommended probably means something about me...
This is definitely what has shaped me having an anxious attachment style, low self worth, and having emotionally abusive/toxic relationships. However, I'm doing my best to heal by getting educated and going to therapy.
This video brings up a concern within me. I’ve heard people talking to their kids in very vague ways, “…you’re in your feelings.” “Got some big feelings.” and I’ve met some people who grew up with those sorts of parents. They were all emotionally detached and often angry. Emotional intelligence is a serious thing. All emotions are worth not only acknowledging but identifying for ourselves… as children, when our parents don’t take the time to assess and inquire, those complex feelings get lumped into a dull, insufficient awareness which can excite confusion and frustration.
Reminds me of the scene in Donnie Darko, in which Donnie flips out on the teacher for ignoring the entire spectrum of human emotion…
Self compassion is something I really struggle with.
a struggle with self compassion is also using "self-care" in destructive ways. that's addiction, or sleeping a lot or indulging in unhealthy things, it's the only way we learned to "care" for ourselves because we never learned to care for ourselves.
👍
I love that she doesn't just identify The Problem (like so many YT therapeutic videos) but actually breaks down into digestible chunks what can be done to Improve, Cope Better, & work toward Solving It. This is soooo much more helpful to me than Only focusing on The Problem in all its gnarly details! So often I've hoped for, looked for, needed solutions when going down a YT thread about these issues, but only found yet another way to look at, define, spot The Problem. Those few videos that even touch on any ways to alleviate/heal from these probs give it such short shrift, its like 90% problem & 10% solution (which just underlines the feeling that there is little to no way up or out once you've inherited this whirlwind of issues). I can't say how appreciative I am that she gave real time and thought to presenting solutions as specific, clear Actions actually targeted toward specific aspects of The Problem. This was so new to me, I even had to listen & watch some of those solutions over and over (especially the "story of an emotion"), because I'm so unfamiliar with those specifics! I want to say to her "Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!" :)
Totally agree, I am already doing work ( IFS therapy) is brilliant. But your right about YT videos only focusing on the issues. This one is a gem. Good luck and have a fruitful life
Im 65. Dont wait to start healing.
um... just found this after searching for answers. im 40 years and finally getting around to admitting i need to figure this out so I don't pass it on to my kids, or take out my trauma on them. thank you for helping me realize im not crazy, ive not been making all this up.
I come from a home where the rule was "Just ignore it, it will go away." I was bullied badly and had no support because of this internal rule. I know they did their best. But I'm still injured and have finally (at age 59) come to see that I have to be the nurturer for that inner child. It's hard work. I checked off all those traits.
Same here, bullied at home AND at school for years. There's no age too old for investing in yourself. Best to you.
Did they try their best? Surely they should’ve stepped in and done something.
I love this. I'm 52 and had two suicide attempts this year because I am fed up with hating myself. I'm on meds and seeing a psychologist but still doubt that 50 years of self hate can be changed. Kati, I will listen to more of your videos, especially the emotionally unavailable mother. Thank you 💜
I have considered the same over the years. Won’t have a gun in the house bc it may be too convenient to move forward before I can get myself to back out of any excessive thoughts. I love life and especially nature, but I know no one else I know thinks that way (suicide). I had a 16 yo niece k*ll herself 24 years ago (bullies were attacking her) and of course the family hasn’t been the same since yet her brother who is two years younger went on to get married and have 3 children of his own and is one of the happiest family units I’ve ever encountered.
I found Kati after losing my husband of 35 years a year ago and having 3 other cancer deaths in the family since then. The loss of my best friend-ever has set me afloat in a giant ocean of grief and despair. I’ve always been a loner, as opposed to my gregarious sister a year older than me, but I blamed her for many of my problems over the years bc she demanded attention while I perceived I was being pushed to live the quiet life to keep my mom stress free. I felt neglected very early in life. Didn’t really even speak till I was 15 and didn’t really have anything nice to say about anything. Oh, I won’t go on. I know your comment was from a number of months ago but I still hope you see this 68 yo’s comment. In my search for direction, I only recently came across information/videos on the Stoics and it helped me immensely for my own self awareness. I hope you will search out some of those YT videos too. Between Kati and the Stoics we have an opportunity to have some good years of contentment and enjoyment on our beautiful planet. All the best to you. -please feel free to reply anytime (written under my husband’s name) -Kathleen
❤
I can relate to these! I find it difficult to open up to others, as I don't always feel safe opening up. I am also sensitive to being rejected. I was abused as a child, emotionally neglected, physically abused... I am a survivor, and I won't let my abusers win!
Watching this is really helpful parenting advice to be a better parent. Knowing what a child wants And needs, emotionally is super important.
Listening to this, I’m having a flood of repressed memories coming back.
I am 17, and this year I found out I had this
I always believed that I felt this way because I was too sensitive. But just knowing this helps me as I can finally not blame myself for this.
It's pathetic living like this, all the points you've mentioned hit really hard.
I'm so independent that, I struggle asking someone for a favor. I remember sitting in art class and I accidentally forgot my eraser, I sat there for 5 minutes trying to convince myself that it was okay to ask an eraser from my classmate
I try to do everything for everyone
Fooling myself that it makes me happy , but that's a dull lie. I feel empty
The irony is that I'm making sure this cooment dosent have any error so people don't feel uncomfortable reading this :)
Have a nice day
I feel the exact same, on every point you made. 💯
You expressed yourself eloquently. Most people are always happy to help someone. The giver feels good about themselves when they give as much as the recipient does.
My mother was always doing volunteer work. When it came time for her to accept help she had a difficult time with that.
Thank you for the smile!
im 17 too, and have (& still am a bit) experiencing this! i am very glad to be at this age to recognize that I am going through this and also proud of you too being able to recognize that there is something that needs to be worked on. I jusr wanted to say that you are not alone because I thought for a long time but in reality there are other people who through the same thing. ❤
Very interesting I was born in 68 and I feel probably all of these things you've talked about...as you get older you do question things in your past especially if you have children yourself and look at how your parent were with you ...I've tried over the years to see my parents up bringing after the war and my grandparents earky life and it helps you understand why they acted in certain ways ...I was angry with them for so long when I had my kids and couldn't understand why I wasn't hugged or listened to ...but I do have more understanding now of why but it still leaves me emotionally wrecked.
enjoyed you're video
These issues operate on a continuum or spectrum. Some parents may simply not have been talkers. They may not have realized that children need more than food, clothing, etc. Other parents are struggling with their own problems so much that they don't have the ability to see a child has needs beyond basics. Some may see children as " just something you do at a certain age" and may even recent the "sacrifices" they had to make. Some are decent people who will provide basics for you but who are anxious for you to grow up and get out of the house. They really aren't interested in who you are. They don't enjoy you. They, fortunately for us, recognized they owned us something (basics) but. like the baby bird once out of the nest, their job is done. It was a job, nothing more. It can take a long time to recognize where your parents were on this spectrum. Little things they do or don't do and the lack of connection once you are grown will tell you what you mean to them. It can be devastating to realize you were never loved.
How to do the "story of an emotion"-
Recognize:
-The event that prompted it.
- Thoughts about that emotion.
-What were the physical sensations accompanying the emotion.
-Urges that came with the emotion.
-What expressive behaviors were associated with the emotion (did you yell, did you cry, etc).
-What were the interpretations of the original event in real time. (Not later interpretations and further analyzing).
-What happend prior to the event, that made you more vulnerable to emotional dysregulation (didn't get enough sleep, just had an argument with someone, etc).
-How does the emotion affect your life afterwards (made you embarrased/ made you exhausted etc).
This is from the video "Emotion regulation" by Doc Snipes.
I like what you said about looking at childhood photos. My brother and I spent some time looking over old photos and talking about what was going on with us at that time. We both realized that what we had been feeling in those moments, even when it wasn't the same for both of us, was valid. It was weirdly sad and affirming at the same time. Really ended up being very healing for us both. I would recommend that to anyone who has a sibling they can trust to do this with.
That would be so great! I wish I could do that with my siblings. I've wanted to for so long.
The Black and White pictures of my brother and me show us in terror and me usually sobbing.
I have a photo of me in a nursery class (UK) and I see all the smiling kids then there's me, face full of fear and bewilderment :(
Once again, you’ve totally made me really evaluate myself in a way to better understand why I do what I do. Af first I was like, love my folks, no way they EN me as a child. Then, this video. Absolutely love my folks but man how suppression of any emotion absolutely will eventually manifest in other ways somehow.
Oh and Hello fellow GenX’ers. This is all of us. The “I got this, cuz I am all who I’ve got” generation lol
Me: "All of these things describe me"
Also me: "It's my fault"
Ha! This is so accurate!
Also, I appreciate your straightforward, yet compassionate, approach. It's not overwhelming or fake, it's not lacking emotion nor is it too much emotion.
She seems to be a good psychologist. 👍
It’s more than a little scary how accurately this describes me. I don’t know that I can do the work of healing. The thought of it alone makes me panic (and there’s always so much to do just to keep the machine of job and family and community obligations moving, what other energy is left?). That sounds like a whine-I’m grateful for all these clearly presented videos.
Even making 5-10 minutes a day for yourself can be enough. Sometimes just getting up a few min early (or staying up a few mins later) can give us the time to tap in and start becoming more aware of how we are feeling :) xoxo
@@Katimorton Even just hearing that it’s fine to give 5 or so minutes to it is helpful, somehow. I’m going to try. I really sometimes just need to hear that and get that light push. (Thank you.)
I know I'm emotionally neglected, parents got divorced and mum dropped me off to my most amazing grandparents..
But she is around every day, dad never NEVER, even if we lived 10 minutes apart..
After I got married and my grandparents died, my older brother also, I communicate with mum minimum. Dad sent me fb friend request, my husband accepted and I got the urge to provoke him, passive aggressive, with the posts.
Last 2months I started realizing that they were 23 years old and probably didn't knew better..
Next day family called to say that my dad died, that morning..
I never thought that I'd be sad not to cry..
But happened that I was crying 4 weeks full from my soul..
Maybe I cried for the family I never had, but needed the most
This video nailed me in a scary but good way. I’ve learned alot of coping skills by now at age 74 but this video describes the process in words I could never put together. I’ve finally concluded that neither one of my parents had emotional support either and actually did the best they could under the circumstances. Once I accepted that I felt a lot more peace but I still struggle with feeling numb. I had to take care of a family of 5 kids from age 9 because my mother had mental illness. But I forgive both my parents for what I went through. Forgiving helps tremendously. I’m grateful for this video. It will help me with further growth and I’m grateful. Thank you.
The nine signs: tick, tick, tick, tick, tick tick, tick, tick, tick. So the second part about how to overcome childhood emotional neglect is really helpful. Thank you.
Thank you for this. It's so easy to ignore these issues but they can debilitate someone if left unaddressed or unacknowledged. I've done 45 years of healing to recover from unspeakable neglect and abuse. It gets easier but seems to be a life-long process. Thank you for all your help. It's making a difference! 👍
A sincere compliment doesn't "arrive" as it should
Girlfriend you are wise beyond your years! I am 69 years old and it explains a hell of a lot of why I act the way I do! This was eye opening and helpful!
Awww Thanks Antoinette. I appreciate you leaving that nice comment. I hope your week is going well!
Agree with you I’m 69 and I hit every one of the things she said
I often don’t agree with the things you say…but your face is undeniably gorgeous and I do enjoy seeing you and listening to you speak.
Basic human needs: Food, Water, Sleep, Connection 🥺🤍🙏💫✨
I've dealt with all of these throughout my life, but I'm glad I made the initiative to get into long term therapy and have been working to improve my difficulties. I have recently broken 2 as a habit and realized 8 was also a factor for why I struggled so much with 3, which helped with 6. 1 is a constant battle but I have learned to just give myself time to take in situations that make me upset and dig into the underlying reasoning behind the emotion(s). This has helped with 4 and 9. I'm lucky enough to have friends that help point out 7 in a healthy way that helps me recognize I am using 5 as a lens to see life instead of seeing reality. It's been a struggle navigating through higher education with cPTSD but determination has been my driving force to get through the extended bachelor's path. Overall, proud of all the work I've put in to overcome the many obstacles I've faced due to childhood trauma
Good for you!!! That’s incredibly encouraging that you pushed through and got it done!!
That jazzy music doesn't go with emotional neglect!
I am working through my childhood emotional neglect with my therapist right now. We are working through a book called Running on Empty. It is helpful to structure the process.
Thanks for the recommendation.
Great book!
Emotional neglect + gaslighting; Trust nobody, not even yourself
I've always known my parents loved me and I them, but I must admit all 9 points definitely apply to me. Maybe it's because I was the oldest of 7 and felt like my own feelings weren't important because my younger siblings all needed my parents' attention more, or maybe it's just because I can't remember ever learning about feelings or hearing my parents talk about them. Going to a counselor recently is really the first time I've started to assign names to my own feelings instead of simply ignoring them. I wish I could tell you how it feels to finally do that but I haven't gotten that far yet 🙃
A lot of people don't remember their abuse because of dissociative of amnesia or they were so brainwashed it takes them till they're elderly to realize they've been abused. Try watching Patrick teahans videos about dysfunctional and narcissistic family systems. It sounds like you were the forgotten child in your family system. You could also watch Dr.ramani, Lisa romano, and many other YT channels that talk on trauma.
You could maybe even have BPD from neglect and or abuse which has symptoms like this. These are symptoms of CPTSD and while all personality disorders are off branches of complex trauma BPD is the closest to CPTSD. To the point Dr's will ask ppl if they want a BPD diagnosis or a CPTSD diagnosis which is insane Because they should diagnose both. Psychiatry is a money hungry mess. If psychiatrist admit mental illness comes from trauma like how some psychologist and psycho-therapist do they know they'll loose momey.
I totally identify. I was oldest of 6. Navy brat, raised in baptist church and my parents were hugely involved with Church. I definitely was peace keeper between my parents who started falling apart when I was 12 so I intercepted the kids drama to keep things mellow and even though. I was dealing with being gay and the scorn of the god I loved and couldn't talk to anyone about my emotional disaster brewing. My parents loved me and I love them still. I just was in the wrong family or era. Haha I hope you find healing.
i was just told to SHUT up and stop being a BABY every time I cried due to them RIDICULING me.....I don't know how I have lived this long......the guy I am with now is the same...he orders me to NEVER cry or show my feelings in his presence......he also has called me a baby and said put on your big girl pants etc etc......I love him so much but he hurts me alot.....then I get to feeling that I don't derserve love at all....and that no one will ever love me......
Year ago i would say the same. Now i see i was neglected as i am invisible oldest child, not everything applies but i will not dwell in the fog pretending that it is, was ok when it never was. Now i see it.
You nailed my childhood in spades which is the foundation of life. The best part of this video is how to deal with it when you are an adult. It explains so much about my adult life including who i am married to. I did my best to shield it all from my kids when they were growing up but I was honest with them about my childhood. I tried to be the best dad I could. My kids called me their Mom Dad without the book club for years as my wife wasn’t there much. It’s a lonely life but one I have learned to live with unfortunately.
Wow! I just found this channel for the first time and what insight Kati gives. Six years ago the woman I absolutely loved the most unexpectedly left with little to no warning, that I saw, anyway. I had known her a long time and I have been a friend of her family for many years, so I already knew she had a rough childhood, both emotionally and sexually, but in my finite thinking I thought she was strong and had overcome most of it. After she left, in the manner which she did, I felt betrayed and I was very angry and judgmental towards her. This video also opened my eyes to my own past. I realize she is probably gone forever, but now I'm more compassionate towards her and she will be in my prayers.
I wish kids came with mental and emotional instructions.
So many of these signs were extremely relatable and some I wasn't consciously aware of. I've been on a journey of self-awareness, healing and growth since the past few years and this video helped me understand myself even better. Thank you for all that you do, Kati. I appreciate you a lot! :)
Kati I have spent over 20 years working on my inner child with a therapist. Very, very difficult to finally heal her. She always talked to me through poetry. A few years ago I put all of her poems into a book and had it published. Once I did that she became totally calm and happy. Finally she told her story and people believed her. Finally I feel like an adult and free. I can breathe.
9/9…….I’m 38, I started figuring things out when I was 37. It’s mind blowing how many others in my age range are just now discovering the truth as well. I don’t feel hate, pain or anger as I look back. It’s more like a numb sense of understanding why I am the way I am. The anger is at myself and that I didn’t see it sooner. I mean it’s like, okay I get it……but now what the hell do I do?
Same age and same boat. 😐
Same, same! Trouble admitting to myself and others feeling sickness or pain, too.
Here’s what you do…..tell yourself that it’s totally ok that you didn’t get it before!
And that now that you do get it you are going to finally work on yourself ……
put yourself at the front of the line…..and give yourself what you need.
You are worthy of love and respect….all people are because we were created with intrinsic value.
I am 64 and just in the last year realized that both my parents were narcissists…..it’s been quite a journey of revelation. And I know I have made my own mistakes as a result of these relationships.
This video has just nailed many of the problems I struggle with as a result of that.
The great news is that I am free to move on and learn how to be gracious with myself….
kinder to myself. If I could say only 1 thing to you…..BE KIND TO YOURSELF…..YOU ARE WORTH IT!
@@kfcphtb21 Thank you.🙂
same here, found this out at 34 and now 35 and still discovering more stuff. It's eye opening.
Man a lot of these are hitting so close to home for me I can be independent to a fault, have difficulty identifying my emotions, and struggling with shame. I’m glad I found this video
I always knew I formed some bad habits because I felt lonely most of my childhood and teen years, but I didn't give much thought to neglect being one of the problems. I could say yes to every single one of those points without even having to think about it. I know it's true 'cause I don't feel any better or worse for having learned it. Though I do feel strangely relieved now that I know for certain I'm not the only one who's gone through this.
I finally decided to TRY inner child work, even though I scoffed at how dumb it sounded . I was shocked to see that one earnest approach paid off tremendously.
Thank you for this video, Kati. The tips on overcoming the experiences are valuable to me.
I'm really in on the sign of self-reliance. And that if someone shows emotional interest in me, I get weary, distrustful. One parent had the opinion that love needs to be earned by good behavior. The other parent was hooked on the idea that the family needs to be running like a well-greased machine. No disruption accepted. Disruption being not agreeing to the "family opinion", i.e. having different thoughts, not getting good grades, in general not abiding to the plan that was laid out.
No, I'm not hating my parents for that, they themselves came out of dysfunctional families each. And their childhood monster was WW2, hunger, imprisonment, escape.
This is such an excellent explanation. Thank you so much. And my ❤ goes out to all of the fellow confused individuals out there on a healing journey.
I’m grateful for your videos. I’m 39 and just now able to focus on myself and my growth and healing. Signs 4, 5, & 6 really apply to me and you make me feel understood.
Edit: I love how you provide ways to overcome childhood emotional neglect. Thank you 🙏🏽 😭
Thank you for this insightful video. It wasn’t until I was in my fifties that I fully realised how emotional neglect and the total absence of affection in my childhood had made it impossible for me to be a happy adult with a fulfilling romantic relationship. I married in my forties and although we have two wonderful children, it was the only thing that kept us together for two decades, along with my never ending self sacrifice and tending to the needs of my cold unloving wife. It turned out that I had chosen a partner who was very much like my mother. Because I have two fantastic children I cannot say that my life has been wasted, but it could have been so much better. I wish I had had this insight into my childhood when I was in my twenties, so I could have changed my life. Going back to my childhood is just plainly too painful. I have no photographs because it just upsets me too much to see myself as a child.
I am now over sixty, and happily divorced. My children do struggle with the lack of affection from their mother, but I am lavishing them with all my love, support and praise.
I will probably never find happiness with a partner again, but I have great friends who kept me alive through the years.
And next year, I am getting a dog 😅, something my ex wife always refused…
You won't regret getting a dog, the love they give you is just the most pure that you'll ever experience. And you never know, you may meet a potential friend/partner while out walking, because most people with dogs are the best people. I hope it all goes well.
Get the dog today!
Thank you so much Kati, I really enjoyed watching your video. Like hitting the jackpot I hit them all and I identified with all 9 signs and symptoms of CEN. By the time I left home at 17 yrs, I had so much pain inside, I was suicidal! However, through all that despairities, I managed the next 40 years soul searching, taking all sorts of self-help workshops, studied psychology and spirituality just to feel maybe one day, I could feel whole and be a worthy human being; I was just SO broken! I am also most grateful to have been in therapy just about my entire adult life trying to get my head screw back on right (and to which I am in gratitude) that many of my therapists nurtured me back to a healthier human being. Doing all the hard work has not been an easy journey but because of the hard work is how I got be where I am today. I realized that some things might always be a trigger for me at any one time, but I trust myself now to know how to get me through it using the many tools I learned along the way in finding my even footing. Now I know I love myself and that I am truly a worthy human being...it's been a very long journey but glad I am here now:-) Namaste!
I'm so happy you were able to heal! Or start to, I don't know if it's ever fully complete. But thank you for sharing that it's possible! Namaste.
I'm 50 years old and was diagnosed with BPD about 7 years ago and found you immediately while researching and felt like you understood me and described me. This video make me sob because I finally heard exact details about what I felt while growing up and still deal with today with my elderly parents. I'm still not heard or listened to which has and has effected my life so deeply. I've been a wonderful relationship for the past 5 years after DBT and CBT work but I've never been able to really connect with this wonderful man in a way that's kind or appropriate. This really made me understand why. I plan on attending your workshop. Desperately needed! Thanks Katie!
Omg I hit all of these signs! Now I understand why I have such a hard time with relationships, both interpersonal and intrapersonal. I am definitely taking this information with me to my therapist this week! Thank you Kati!💕
Thanks for sharing! You are welcome Melanie :)
This is very helpful to me , thank you xx At 73 the little girl I was lived such a sad trauma filled childhood but, despite it she was such a good child , I wish she had been loved and nurtured .
I relate to parts of this. After my dad died (1965 - I was 5 yo), my mother was told by the pediatrician not to be too emotional or touchy or we'd become "mama's boys". Before that we we (according to my mother) very touchy and huggy. Different time, but terrible advice. I don't blame her - I blame the pediatrician and his stupidity.
A pediatrician?
I just found your video. I am 69 years old and I feel like your talking about me. Thank you so much 🥰
The worst memory I have was when recently after my younger brother committed su1cide, my oldest brother admitted to me and my parents he's self-harm*d since he was 15 (he's 27 now). My mother then asked, "How could you do that to me?"
That's when I realized I never really had parents and I've lived 25 years of my life being my own mother.
Yup. Me too. I let go of the mother I wished I had. That was essential in moving on in life. Good luck. Dr Ramani and Dr Les Carter have good videos on UA-cam also. Jay REID is really good too, I like him a lot. Good luck w everything 👍😁❤️
@@jerirasulo9543 thank you for the recommendations! Good luck for you too!
Sadly, it's true. But you were the better Mother.
So much of this resonated with me. I remember hearing, “that’s your mother’s job” so often with emotional questions and general life questions. That was doubly problematic since our parents divorced early in childhood and we spent a week with each… so I just never found answers.
Thank you so much, Kati. I appreciate you and all the supportive educators making helpful content for people willing to put in the self-work and find therapy.
Thank you.
Watching this video, it's like you and I sat down and had a session. This was me 100%, I remember when I was in school as a kid, I got dumped and was devastated, it was my first girlfriend, and I always wanted one. I told me parents and I was upset, my asshole father laughed at me. This is very common in my life. Thank God I'm in the best relationship with my wife right now, we've just celebrated 18 years married. I also have a hard time managing my emotions, when I get upset, it's like the dial went up to 11. I've told you this before Kati, but Thank You for saving lives, I truly believe you do so, with your content.
After years of self educating, making drastic changes, taking huge risks and being in therapy, I can tell that emotional neglect is a therapeutic term much easier to deal with for a client than “being unloved” would.
I'm afraid over the last 15 years I've become increasingly more bitter, distant and cynical because of how often I heard those words and there seems to be literally no solution. Therapy is the process of being abandoned over and over again and I don't know how to fix it.
So sorry to hear of your pain. There are other ways. I pray you'll find peace one day.
Hi ,I hope you find a path going forward . You take care Caroline and hello from New Zealand.
Don't be impatient. Be KIND to yourself. That is where it begins.
I feel confused, sad, and relieved to find this video
Things get complicated when you were emotionally neglected by one parent, but not the other.
I literally just said this to myself - what happens then? I experienced this!! Especially for an only child like me. It was hard. I feel like i check these boxes off but i also feel strong in these capacities when im in the right state of mind.
@@A_ndrea With me, althought it took me years to realize this, I started leaving my dad "out" mentally. For instance, if I was talking about my parents to someone, I would mentally much more refer to my mom than to my dad. My dad was there for more of the material things (like driving me places)--if we asked first. He NEVER offered things when I was younger. I learned that it was better for me to talk to mom first, then let dad know. Otherwise, I would get this stoney look a good chunk of the time....like I was an inconvience to him or something.
You tend to become bipolar or borderline
@@truthh8597 Not necessarily. I was emotionally neglected by my dad as a kid, but I don't have bipolar or borderline. I do have PTSD though, relating to my dad's death though, no his emotional neglect.
@@janetslater129 get well soon dear!
Depression anxiety and ptsd are a definite with such circumstances I guess:/
Dissociation when overwhelmed by emotion is a sign of this?! This explains a lot... 🙃
This one describes me to a T. You talked about it in another video a while ago so I knew it would. Getting past this is tough but CBT is very affective for it! I was in therapy for 2 years and I have so much more confidence now.
I am so glad CBT has been helpful!! yay!! xoxo
Found Kati after seeing her collaboration with dr les carter. What a gift dr carter is by bringing people to the table that can help us further. Kati is really good at understanding and giving back what as children we just didn't have words for and now struggle to understand as adults. Thank you Kati for being part of the team of people supporting us in our growth ✌
Need to watch this immediately
She nailed me, for sure. I have been suicidal for years, thinking of running away, but knowing I had no where to go. Now, I'm over 70 and I have a wonderful wife who has taken care of my needs and allows me to take care of her, a very good feeling.
I think I tick all of the boxes... I entered therapy 7 months ago and it feels like I'm improving, though I can't help feeling sad for myself. Great video as always Kati!