You will get thru this! I literally can feel your pain... I’m 58. I’m seven years amicably divorced after my wife had the same epiphany. We have two kids. My former wife and I shared almost 20 years together. She now married to another woman. And you know what... it’s all good.
It's not clear to me if you are a man or a woman, since you say: "to another woman". It could be a typo. So she is doing just fine (as expected). How are you doing?
Jaime Duncan I am a man who was married to a woman... who came out late in life and married another woman. It all worked out in the end. I posted this based on the subject matter of the video! ✌️
Clay you don’t feel like a big chunk of your life was wasted because of that? 20 years is a hell of a lot of time. It’s a pretty fucked up situation. Nothing you or her could do. But that shit must SUCKS. Trying to be supportive and understanding but got your time was indirectly wasted. Nobody gives af about the person who thought their significant other was straight. It seems like everyone’s like “how did you keep this secret for so many years” to the person coming out. Hope it’s different for you. Good luck on your next phase in life though 👍🏾
"Do you think you're gay?" "No!", my now ex-wife responded. "But what if I am?" "I think you should find out." That was beginning of my ex-wife's journey to discover she was a lesbian. That was in 1995. Looking back at it now, she would have definitely grown-up with CompHet ideologies but for us, we had not heard that term. At the time, she was 25 and we had two children. We would eventually get divorced - and in hindsight we probably should have done it sooner - but we are both remarried to wonderful women. I don't pretend to understand all of the emotions you are experiencing but I think in the end both you and your husband will be happier.
This is such a wholesome comment 🥺 You had a great reaction- instead of getting angry at her and trying to force her to stay with you, you encouraged her to discover her true self. That's not as common as it should be. That's real love, I respect you sm.
It really is terrible just how much pressure there is to not only be straight but to get married. We really shouldn't be shocked at our high divorce rate when comphet is such a common thing.
I just realized at 29. I had convinced myself that I was asexual because I did not want to have sex with any of the men that I have dated. My biggest fear now is that I could lose some of my longest friendships and relationships with family members as a result. I am reassured by your story because so much representation is people that have known they are gay from a very young age. Thank you for sharing your story.
I first thought I might be asexual or demisexual as well. It just took a perspective shift and now the world shines brighter. I don't know how your family will respond, but know that your happiness matters too. You deserve to be happy regardless of what your family thinks. Hugs and love!
Discovered I was ace about 3 years ago (25, 28 now) in grad school. I actually discovered most of my school friends were some flavor of ace. I'm not out at home (I don't date so why bother). But, hopefully, you will find your people.
I can't tell you that it'll all be wonderful and everyone will react well. It's easy to say that they're not real friends, but I know it doesn't feel that way. When you're ready, it does feel easier not having to hide the constant anxiety. It might transpire that some people just go "oh. Fair enough.", which I had a couple of times and felt distinctly anticlimactic, but reassuring.
@@litls4946 Just google Am I a Lesbian? Masterdoc" (there are a few versions out there. You want one with about 30 pages. Take it slow. It might require a few readings.
@@isobelb don't take this "lesbian masterdoc" seriously because the woman who wrote it isn't a lesbian in the first place but bisexual.What can a bisexual woman who is also attracted to men know what it means to be a lesbian? Absolutely nothing in my opinion
@@liv0003 I see what you mean. A chaotic rant posted to tumblr might not be important in the context of serious GSRD study. But I've found it quite helpful to show a woman that is much younger than me, (that is also questioning her identity) that she is not alone in her struggle. (Something that I have probably partially forgotten over the decades.) I am not, for a moment, suggesting that "AIAL?MD" should be considered to be on the same level as the writings of Adrienne Rich, but I do still stand by my original assertion because I read replies such as Kayla Harding's almost every month.
Hey girl. Im gay and have been married to the same woman for 12 years (together for 18). I didnt meet her till i was 27 and she was 35. Im 45 now and shes 53. My point is my first couple of lesbian relationships were short and some were horrendous. 10 years with your best friend is better than 10 in and out of bad relationships. You know yourself a lot better in your 30s and more likely to have a good and healthy relationship. Good luck to you.
Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Shes lucky to have married her bff. All throughout history and still to this day, dating has so much rape and domestic violence issues that its safest not to date at all. I'm happy she is where she is now
It's stupid even for heterosexual people. I'm bi and struggled with crushes because they all ended up being assholes. And people would always taunt me, saying I liked, some guy specifically, just for looking in their general direction or wondering what they were doing. They did it with girls too once I told people. People are grossly obsessed with others relationships in general. I started puberty at 8 and unfortunately developed feelings and understandings of things early on. Yet at the same time I was sitting there thinking, "I'm too young for this, do they even know what they are suggesting?!"
Bruh, i pushed this idea of liking someone so hard it made my mental health go wild like "why am i even doing this, i don't even like this dude". The expectation to be straight is real and it can fuck you up.
I love you so much Aunt Cindy, I'm proud of your journey I hope that everyone you need to accept you does, if you ever need anything please let me know ❤😁
My wife and I are 50/49 respectfully. 15 years being married as a heterosexual couple, we watched HBO's "The Trans List" and immediately we identified myself as trans. Signs were all there, but we didn't have a name for it. After transitioning to female, my wife actually fell harder in love with me. She had married me for my feminine traits and because of her upbringing, just always saw herself as never being with a woman...so technically, she's coming out as lesbian. We're all pushed to fit into certain molds when we're younger, and sometimes, we don't allow ourselves to explore either. We've always had a good relationship, but now, it's like someone just added sprinkles on top of our sundays. Never apologize for figuring yourself out.
You’re so strong. I just came out this month and broke things off with my male partner of over a year. He was the one who proposed we break up, I sobbed and agreed and couldn’t stop apologizing. He was my favorite person and the reason I was able to come out to myself. He was always in my corner and cheering me on to be the most authentic version of myself. How many times do you need to google “am I a lesbian” at 3 in the morning before your phone just flashes YES in rainbow letters??? I look forward to when we can adjust to being friends again, but I’m so glad I came across your video. I too would look at late bloomer lesbians and say “why change up your whole life?? You were fine!! You could do it”. It’s the word “could”. Not would. I wish you more strength on your journey
Im glad that your former partner was able to bring out the best of you and it was a good relationship. Im very excited for what the future holds for you now. Im sure now that you can live as your true self the future holds great happiness and blessings for you and your future partners!
if you are lesbian,how do you end up with a man? You guys had sex right?It didnt feel good.I do understand that society puts pressure on you and tells you how to behave,but still....Congrats on coming out earlier than this lady.Because in time,you can destroy someone's life by prolonging the inevitable
@@robb5828 no one tells you to "check for gay before continuing" like some checkmark in a video game (although i wish it would) It's quite easy to stroll through life not understanding attraction. i still find men attractive. But it's taken me a nearly a year of being an out lesbian to realize that the attraction ends at just recognizing a pretty face, and not wanting to sleep with them. I realize now that the partners I chose were attractive by conventional standards because i was desperately trying to grasp onto some type of "normal". But if you asked me at the time I would've told you i thought they were hot. As far as her husband is concerned, I don't know their situation fully, but I highly doubt his "life is destroyed". Shit happens and we move on and rebuild. Sure it sucks, but his life isn't over.
@@chonkybonky Well,i do hope that in the future,more people should seek guidance before taking big leaps in their life. Because it seems like,people like you ,may not have the sense of what attraction is,i mean you didn't have that sense before and now you gained it. I understand that it might be difficult to discuss things ,but i do believe that a simple conversation with a straight person maybe,would've revealed the truth way before :) Idk if it makes sense,im too tired to type at the moment
You're right the world has changed. I'm 13 and a lot of my friends have come out as LGBTQ because representation on tv and realized they were gay. Their parents accepted them. There's hope for the next generation.
Republicans will now tell you that the tv show made them gay 😂 like no. You used the right word. They REALIZED they were gay. They’ve always been this way. 🏳️🌈 love wins 💖
My girlfriend sent me your video.... I am turning 40 this year. I came out as a late bloomer at 35 after an epiphany. I was married for 16byears and have 4 kids. I had similar experiences as you... I stuffed my feelings away and followed comphet. It gets better! It will be a bumpy road but know there are many of us out there... reach out if you need support!
@@89five3five oh my god shut up. it's always about the men and never about the lesbian women who were so pressured by patriarchy that they forced themselves against their true desires to be with a man for years if not straight up decades because they thought that was what they were supposed to do. like stfu. boohoo my wife is a lesbian! it happens accept and support her, be happy for her, and move on.
My mother came out in her late thirties when I was 11 years old. It was not easy, and I don't know all she went through, but in the end she is now living her best life and I am proud of her. Stay true to yourself.
You described my childhood exactly on how I confused friendships for crushes on men. You are very eloquent and a fantastic storyteller! Thanks for sharing.
Even though I am bisexual I could relate with that so much as well, only ever talking about my crushes on boys or coming up with crushes on boys and always downplaying my crushes on girls.
I watch these videos to understand my mum better. She's 57 and after a 20 year hetero marriage she divorced and came out as lesbian and now has a girlfriend!!! I'm really happy for them so I want to understand what my mum's going through. Thank you for being so brave. I loved reading everyone's comments. I'm so proud of y'all ❤️
This made me cry cause i went through the same thing 5 years ago. It was honestly the most difficult period of my life. Me and my ex husband had been together for 12 years since i was only 13, and he was and still is one of the most important persons of my life. I honestly loved him with all my heart. We're still best friends now. I still cry when i think about how much i hurt him, the feeling of guilt is so strong that I'm not sure it will ever go away completely, but it does get a bit better with time. You should be proud of yourself for making such a hard decision and for choosing you.
hey, comphet is something really that really pressures us into boxes, you did the best you could do with the tools you had, it will get better, do not feel guilty for living your truth, you deserve to live a full life and to be happy, your ex will find someone that will love him the way he deserves to be loved
@@natc1008 What are you talking about? She didn't come out as polyamorous, she came out as gay ("I went through the same thing"). "I honestly loved him with all my heart" doesn't mean she's not a lesbian. I love people with all my heart who are not my spouse. There is more than one kind of love.
it's insane to me that I, a seventeen year old lesbian, had almost the EXACT same experience as you in elementary and middle school (even down to Anne of green gables!). I know it's a super common one, but it just amazes me how far we've gone even since I was young, and how far we still have to go. much love to you right now 💞
It's funny how when you figure things out you can look back and go "aha! Now that makes sense!" Sorry you missed it too when you were younger, but I'm so glad you get to be free now! And I'm so happy that it's at a much younger age! go live your proud life!
@@PopeSimonX i came out as lesbain my preants is doing their best to support me they not support lgbt they read online to support me why they do that ?.
Thank you for uploading this, I’m only 14 and struggling to work out my sexual orientation. Whether I’m bisexual or a lesbian your story has given me courage and helped me realise that it doesn’t matter how quickly I find a label because at the end of the day I can come out at any age. 💓🏳️🌈
At the age of 34 , while married I realized I was gay. The best thing I did was indeed to not string him along. I applaud you for acting on that same realization. It will matter greatly to you and to your personal self esteem in the future. It is now 30 years later for me and making the choice to be truly my authentic self has made All the difference. Not to say that it will all be easy for you but I hope it is worth it for you as it was for me. I will share a vision I was given in a dream . I open a door and it was nothing but bright white on the other side. I knew I was walking into my new life. I was told simply “ Go and color it any colors you like” That’s what I have been doing . You go color too. Anything that pleases you.... its your life, no one else’s. I am here if you need a friend.
I haven't watched your whole video yet but what you said about representation really resonates with me. I'm 21 and really came to terms with my sexuality a few months ago and am in the process of coming out. Some people really don't understand how I couldn't have really known until recently and the truth is I just didn't see any gay women growing up either in media or real-life just existing/falling in love etc. If I didn't see it, how could I ever believe I could BE it? Only in the last few years has representation become more prevalent. I think if I was to have been born ten years earlier or more I may be in your exact position. Thank you for sharing
I feel the same way about representation. I'm 19 and some of my politically aware friends have been talking about heteronormativity for a while already but it's only now that really slowly start to understand why it's so problematic because I realize how it affects me
Representation is EVERYTHING. My most recent video, I talk about how it's even more than just showing some kinds of lesbians, it's about showing a diversity of lesbians. Even when I saw lesbians in the media, they didn't look, act, or talk like me, so I didn't realize they could be me!
I feel this! Thankfully I’m only 20 and was not married, but I was in a committed relationship with a guy that I DID love, it just wasn’t the right type of love. I even enjoyed sex, not because I was attracted to him but because I found beauty in the intimacy it brought us and it still felt good //physically// when I was touched in certain ways. So I genuinely thought I was just “attracted to his personality” and therefore told myself that the rest didn’t matter, and it would be shallow of me to break up with him over his looks. But something was off, and the thought of a future with him felt safe and happy, but not completely fulfilling. After we split up, I had a fling with another guy and realized I was getting into the same cycle. Then it hit me
i had a boyfriend too, now i'm in a relationship with a girl. It really hit close to home when you said that 'it wasn't the right type of love' bc i really did love my ex, but i wasn't in love with him, sex was alright bc i liked having my body stimulated, it was completely physical. My girlfriend doesn't understand how i could be with a guy 'if i really am gay', it's really frustrating sometimes bc i know that i could never fall in love with a man
This is exactly the thing I'm going through right now. I love my boyfriend so deeply, but also it feels like something is missing. A part of me still wants me to believe that I am actually attracted to guys and just asexual, or it's just my depression making me feel numb, or maybe it's just his looks... I'm trying to find so many excuses as to way I could stay with this man. And I am terrified of later down the line finding out I might not be into men at all. I've been identifying as bisexual for a few years now, but right until the reality I might only be into women came up, I didn't realise how much internalised homophobia I have.
“By the time [the first gay marriage happened in the U.S.] I had already had my first crush, and miscategorized it already. Context matters.” Oooooof wow that one hit me girl.
I'm 25, and I've been doing the one foot in the closet one foot out game for a long time now. I tried really hard to be bisexual and recently it's hit me that I'm actually a lesbian. Seeing this video has really helped me not feel so alone even if our situations are pretty different
I was kinda the same, and now I get it I can’t fathom ever being near a man and the times I realise now were traumatic. The sooner you’re living your authentic life the better! ❤️
I always thought the whole "I just wanna be their friend" was just something I did growing up. Good to know that other gay people have had that experience.
6:15 this sparked a memory, and a realization that why I broke down upon finding out that an old classmate had passed away. She was my first crush, she was so nice to me and she taught me how to use the monkey bars. I adored her 🥺
I’m reading this in 2024. 3 years after posting. So courageous. I hope your life has worked out for you and that you e found strength and happiness fueled by your admirable faith in yourself.
I think it really hit me when I realised that I really wanted my “backup marriage pact” with my best friend to come true. We’re both on the asexual spectrum and I couldn’t think of anything better than growing old with her. She’s in a serious relationship with her boyfriend so 😩💙
I just have to say... you aren’t “just gay.” You are Gay. And THAT is perfectly ok. AND you owe NO ONE an explanation. The fact that you can come to terms with it, and live your life the way you were meant to, is a blessing. I’m rooting for you ❤️ First time watching you and now subscribing. Proud of you ❤️
I just turned 18 but I still relate to this video a lot. I just stopped suppressing my sexuality, and left my partner of two and a half years. I’m glad that I could realize this before I took the relationship any further. Seeing videos like this from older and more mature individuals makes me happy because I feel like I made the right decisions. It makes makes me feel more secure and less lost. Thank you so much for this video
I wasn’t married to a man, but I was engaged to one. It was so difficult to break up with him, but I had to be true to myself. It will get better. I met a wonderful woman and my life is so much happier now. You will get through this, and you will be happier.
To those commenting on this video stating that this woman is suffering from "compulsory lesbianism" or is cheating her husband out of something or just pretending she isn't bisexual I just want to remind you that you know nothing about this woman what so ever other than what she just told you in the video, which if you bothered to watch you would understand that she said she feels as though what she construed as attraction was nothing more than a need for friendship from men. Whether or not you believe those things are real, it is not up to you to tell this woman how she feels. I would like to think that she knows herself better than some stupid youtube comment that wants to stir the pot because they have nothing better to do. Get your head out of your ass and stop putting down someone trying to share their story, it was not invitation for your opinion (which has zero merit because you do not know this person). You do not know her husband or how he feels, you do not know her history, and you do not get to dictate what someone else is going through for your own ego. Cindy I hope you find more happiness and ignore the people attempting to make you uncomfortable in your choices. You should write a book about your experiences, and I wish you luck in exploring this new person you are finding yourself to be! :)
Thank you so much for your comment! It means the world to me. I'm not really worried about the haters. From strangers on the internet, it means literally nothing to me. It's hard when it comes from people I thought cared, but strangers? IDGAF. But I do love that people are willing to value me and stand up for me. Thank you so much.
TalesofCindy what I disliked about your video was you blaming the media and you constantly saying you had no “context”. You’re 31, the internet was around for the overwhelming vast majority of your life. With the internet you don’t need “context” or the media to inform you. You are talking like you grew up in the 1950’s. Instead be honest and responsible and say you were in denial. You didn’t need context or the media to form your crush on a girl when you were 10. So stop with the blame game.
@@kckstnd8 Representation is very important not only to form an identity but also to be accepting if that identity. So yes, she was in denial, maybe if she'd seen lesbians better represented none of this would have happened. And the internet a lot of the time only shows you what you're looking for.
@@kckstnd8 you are wrong, definitely. Representation is important for all members of the LGBT community to understand themselves. Heterosexuality is assumed (like when Cindy describes being asked which boys she has a crush on), LGBT people can misinterpreted their feelings so that they fit in with Heterosexuality and not realising they're not cis/het
I feel like a similar thing happened to me, in that one day I just came to the conclusion, that I was definitely bi. -Like I actually am bi- but I feel that denial stage HARD. I feel like representation has gotten better as I’ve realised this at 20 years old instead of 31 but it’s still not great. The bi erasure doesn’t help either but we will get there one step at a time and hopefully one day women will have the support and representation we need to even just realise we are not all straight in the first place. This is inspiring and I’m sending good energy your way 🧡
this is so amazing and I want you to know how many people are going to benefit from you uploading this video. You just gave me so much clarity in my own life. I recently realized I’m asexual and possibly aromatic. Growing up, crushes confused me so much because I never got them. So, similarly, I always mistook a strong want to be friends with someone as a crush. It still confuses me to this day because I grew up with not understanding my feelings, but things are getting better. Any representation in the media would have saved me so much confusion. Thank you so so much.
So pleased I’ve discovered your channel Cindy. I can relate to your story. I’m due to get married next year (would have already been married if Covid hadn’t happened) but I feel now I am waking up inside to discover my true sexuality. I’ve been with my fella for 10.5 years. I’m in my early forties. I’ve been fighting this forever. I once had a brief three month relationship with a woman in my late twenties.... my first ever female experience. There’s always been something there. I have so many pointers in my life that I’ve ignored and only now I’m putting it all together. I’m terrified to talk to my partner. It’s going to be so painful for us.
That subreddit really hits home. Your story resonates so much with me as well. I came out to my husband last December. I know I’m a lesbian now but the question mark is if asexuality is actually how I am or if I’m still holding internalized homophobia and pushing any sexual attraction down. Proud of you for coming out, and thank you so much for your story! Every story matters because like you said, representation matters!! 💕
I am 59 I was married to a man for 20 years, I have been divorced for 21 years and have been alone all those years. I just came out this year only 4 people know. It's been hard making lesbian friends. I live in a rural area which make it even harder. I have been talking to people on Facebook right now just friends because I have no clue what I am doing. Hope everything works out for you.
You are an inspiration, and I am super proud of you. The journey to self discovery for us late bloomers will always be a tough one, but there is a joy in becoming who you were always meant to be. Keep being you, and I look forward to the future with you. Sending lots of love and support.
Coming out is tough. I had no conscious idea I was gay until I was in college - younger than you but I still really relate to your story. It was super hard and scary coming to terms with it, accepting it, and coming out. I went through the “bi” phase also. But when I finally accepted it and came out, I felt such relief. I realized I could truly breathe for the first time. Good for you and it definitely gets better. You’ve taken the first steps.
I totally get this. All the signs were there in middle school 6th grade but I didn't think it would be an option because I too never saw anything but heterosexual relationships. It is so true that more representation is needed so people would feel more comfortable being who they are realizing they are.
I totally respect you. I am gay and my wife of 51 years was very accepting. I cared for her with MS for 26 years before she passed. I am now free to be the gay man I always was. Too old to look for a husband now. I am 77. Trust you are able to work your way through this difficult situation. I support you with whatever decision you make.
So I’m a gay dude, I came out at 23. Our stories are wildly different, but there is still so much you can learn. Appreciate the video. I will say one thing I see in my experience is a lot of closeted gay men seeking out sex while being married and it pisses me off.
Really?! Even now that's still happening? I understand that 30 years ago but still now? I don't want to underestimate how hard it is for men to come out but it's such a horrible thing for a man to do to chose to get married and then sleep around with men 😢
Simon❤ Thanks for your posting! Being a late bloomer myself, I find your video very valuable. There are some significant differences and some similarities between yours and my story. I do, after three years and at the age of 55! Yes! Fiftyfive! recognize that I am a homosexual. My wife doesn’t know (yet). But I’ve only recognized this for the last year. There were fewer signs of my sexual orientation in youth and later. I never had a crush on boys. Early signs are that I loved, ever since the age of 11, wearing pantyhoses. That continued until the pandemic. During the pandemic, I discovered I had testicle cancer. I am now cancer free, but one of my testicles was removed. Testicles are the source of testosterone production. I seriously do not know if this was the turning point, but after my testicle removal, my emotions went bananas. Pre-cancer, I was a fairly macho guy showing no feelings. Suddenly I had these emotional outbursts. Just recently my wife and I watched «disobidience», the lesbian romance. While my wife thought of it as good and moving, I literally drowned in tears. Also, my cross dressing habits incresed. Now I wear female underwear, dresses, makeup. I am so lucky to go on business twice a year to Paris. There is a store there, Shoesissime, which sells large size womens shoes. I have bought pumps and heel sandals. I wander if the lack of testosterone makes me more true with my inner self. I don’t know really. Over the last few years, my attraction to men has grown to the extent that I consider myself a homosexual, even if I’ve haven’t had sex with men. Yet. But I plan to. My problem is somewhat the same as yours. I love my wife. But it’s not fair to her, how we live now. My fear is not coming out. It is about explaining why I come out at the age of 55! Did I deceive her? Well, not conciously. I am not sure what path I am choosing. But at least I am in peace with myself that I am a homosexual. Me deceiving my wife or not, however, is an entirely other question. Since I love her I don’t want her to leave. At the same time, I cannot hold on to her because that wouldn’t be honest of me. She deserves better. At the same time, I really would be sure by experiencing sex with another man. Oh… life is not easy. Anyway… I wish you all the best and I hope you find your soulmate and ultimate love. ❤❤❤
I can relate. I was married to a kind, loving man for thirteen years and didn’t realize I was a lesbian until a few months before I told my husband and came out to my family. I was 37 at the time. I’m now 42 and dating an amazing woman. My ex-husband is happily remarried. I’ve known I’ve been attracted to females for a long time, but thought all women felt that way, prob. due to comp het. Yes, same about Anne of Green Gables!
I completely relate to your level of stuffing your true feelings for women down. I was in deep denial in high school. It wasn't until college that I fully unearthed everything, and came out at 22. It was a shocking time, a lot of realizations, and I am so happy to be on the other side. It's so much better over here. You will get through it and be so relieved of your journey.
you are so loved and supported. i can tell just from this video that you are a genuine human being. you deserve to live a life that makes you feel happy and fulfilled. i cannot imagine how hard this time must be for you but living out your truth will be so worthwhile. i was out as bisexual since i was 14 but about 8 months ago i realized that i am a lesbian (i am 19 now). we are in very different points in our life but i just want you to know that so many people, including me, understand how you are feeling. comp het is a horrible thing that most gay women have to deal with and sort through. i wish you nothing but the absolute best! keep being yourself!
I needed this in my life. I recently came out to my husband of 10 years. We have a child together. We're weird a sappy for each other. Even though we've decided to stay together, it feels so amazing to have that weight lifted off of me being able to be honest with him, but especially with myself.
I love that you are choosing to stay together. You're honesty can bring you closer together and I encourage you to keep growing as a couple, and be a true example of selfless love for your child.
It's definitely not a decision for everyone. It it continues to be the topic of on going late night emotional and thoughtful conversations. It may change, it may not. I was lucky enough to marry my best friend and be keep reiterating that our top priority besides our child is each other's happiness.
I am going through something similar. Very eerily similar! I’m almost 33 (in like, a minute, happy birthday to me!). I only recently heard of the CompHet theory and I’ve got the document pulled up (I’m nervous to read it) but when I’ve read compulsory heterosexuality pieces all over the Internet I have dismissed the possibility because, like you did, I’ve identified as bi for a few years. I’m afraid of the repercussions if I’m not for my marriage... but I do feel more and more drawn toward women and I feel like if nothing else, I will be living an incomplete life if I don’t explore a relationship with a woman. Yet, I’m EXTREMELY monogamous so I can’t do this married! And the idea of all the change that would have to happen/talking to my husband is more than daunting.
I just broke up with my boyfriend after 2 years of dating. Like a month ago. I'm a lesbian too. I'm gender non-conforming and its been really difficult to come to terms with my understanding of gender and sexuality intersectionally. I know its not the same situation, but so many of our experiences are similar. This is so hard but I hope you feel that sense of understanding of yourself that lets some anxieties rest. I just remember thinking so much "im happy but am I happy in the ways that other couples seem happy?". You're not alone and you deserve to live honestly too. Also I keep thinking that my relationships with men were mistakes, and its not always true. I hope youre doing well.
Thank you for sharing your story! Every additional story and take on comp het and realizing your gay is extremely helpful! I'm 26 and working through this, though luckily not married.
I think a person's life story is like a book that gets added to a massive library. Obviously, the more books a library has, the better a library it is. When people add their books to the library, they not only better understand themselves, they also make it possible for others to check out that book and better understand themselves. Thank you for sharing your book with us.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m going through a similar journey of self discovery but with being polyamorous. I always grew up in gay positive circles, so coming out and realising I was Pansexual was no problem (although as a side not I convinced myself I was bi for a while too) The problem for me has been there’s very little positive poly representation in the media or discussion with family or friends. It’s always been wrong or not even an option for me. So everything you went through down to your first crushes I can relate to HARD but with a closeted poly lense I didn’t even know I had. I hope you and your ex husband are okay and you’re both thriving in your new lives now. Thank you again for your video
"You can't fight yourself forever" This is really true. There's something not feel fine with my marriage life with my husband. Now we're fixing to have a divorce too.
I'm so sorry to hear about all the pain you're going through, honey. I'm 33 and I'm MTF trans and I'm just starting to inch my way out of the closet. It feels like my whole life has been a lie and I was never able to figure out why. I'm 100% expecting that when my parents find out they will make my life a living hell. I don't know how I would survive without the love and support of my friends right now. I'm proud of you for taking the steps you're taking to know yourself how to build a future for yourself that is honest and meaningful and authentic, and I think you and your husband are dealing with this in the most mature way possible. I wish you comfort and strength for the difficult times ahead.
Ohhh, I came across this because I am having a bit of a crisis myself and really relate to your story. Thank you so much for sharing. I have been with my partner for 15 years and had always identified as Bi but I read through the master doc and am questioning everything because so much of it sounded like me. The idea of being gay does make a lot of sense but fills me with dread. I knew I always liked women but didn't even consider that I might be gay and my partner is my best friend in the entire world.
You’re a brave person!! when i had to figure out i was gay, it felt like i was losing a part of myself at first. but then i started to call myself “lesbian” and realized that my insecurities around my attraction to men were unnecessary, and moving forward became easy and empowering.
I love that when You're talking bout' your "first crush" you act like friendly, but when You're talking bout' your second crush you have a silly smile aww. Best wishes!!!
I identify with this so hard. I’m 25 not 30, but I am so proud of you. And even though this is hitting me like a ton of bricks (as you said), there is STILL a part of me that is like “but what if you’re wrong...” I hope I will be in your shoes soon. I’m excited for you!!
I relate to your story on such a deep level and I’m so thankful to you for sharing it. I realized I was a lesbian while married to a man for 5 years (we had a total of 7 years in a relationship). When I had my realization, it felt so strong and real, and like I was finally understanding myself and becoming able to love myself that I figured I was a lesbian before even kissing a woman as an adult. I had that tough conversation with him and expressed I needed at least time to understand what was happening with me, and he proposed we got a divorce. I’m divorced now, and have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 1 and a half years now. Just writing this to you makes me realize how life happens, and we survive one day at a time. My transition was not smooth and it was very lonely, but I’m in a much better place now. Sending you much love and thoughts!
I just want to give you a big hug and cry with you. I’m a LBL, 33, and dealing with a pending divorce as well. I’m doing this alone with a child. It’s so hard. But you are not alone and I think the more you learn about yourself the happier you will be.
Thank you for sharing your story - I'm also a part of that subreddit, I'm only 26 but I've been going through a similar thing (breakup with my best friend, repressed by comp het lol) and hearing other peoples stories always makes me feel so much better. SO much of your video is relatable omg. I'm so proud of you and you should be so proud of yourself and I'm excited for this new chapter of your life to begin for you
Thank you for posting this. I'm in a very similar situation and so appreciate people willing to share their stories. It's such a hard, complicated, sad, confusing situation. The LBL subreddit has been very helpful, along with a podcast called The Lesbian Chronicles and a facebook group that I found through that. Subscribing and wishing you all the best. ❤️
A lot of lesbians get on better with guys rather than girls, I certainly did. Edit... I've only just found your channel (going to binge watch it) I hope things are getting a bit better now
Wth I am a mechanical engineer with hopes on getting a master's in biomedical engineering and also a late bloomer lesbian... I'm starting to see a trend here haha
Everyone’s journey is different and no less valuable. No one can determine yours but you. Know that for every person who challenges yours, there is somebody like me who admires you for starting it and supports it wholeheartedly. You are going to enjoy yours very much even with all the complexities. I’m glad you are allowing yourself this opportunity finally.
I had a similar problem, but also not. I was 23, in a long term relationship with my ex and we weren't married (yet. we were talking about marriage down the line and stuff) I knew I liked girls when I was 10 or 11 and due to bullying I made up crushes. And the part that hit me with you was the way how you said, you got it all mixed up and I was also very "boy crazy" and had a lot of boyfriends back to back and it never really worked out. The moment I realised it once I had a very homophobic environment and I chickened out again due to manipulation. But yeah in the end and after two long term relationships with men and some therapy I accepted the way I am (kinda, still took me a little). And what can I say, it has been 3 years now, I had my first wonderful and wholesome relationship, which ended in a heartbreak I never thought I would have this hard. I still have my last ex boyfriend in my life, he has been SO incredibly supportive. The first time is especially hard. But it doesn't compare to the happiness I felt after I felt like I am myself after years and years of bottling it up. It is a very confusing time since you have to get to know yourself again. But the relief of suddenly knowing yourself is... the best.
Comp het and religious conversion therapy destroyed my life and the lives of my while immediate family. I feel so lonely often after coming out now what will be 5 years in November.
Thank you for this voice, even though I have been aware of myself since I was 12 years old and I consciously chose the path of being true to myself and I have been doing these little daily coming outs for years - such voices are very important and I appreciate them. Because they prove that being gay is not "choosing a comfortable path because you don't want to try for a man" but we are born with it and that's it :)
Well done Cindy. It took me much longer to comes to terms with being gay (I’m 54 and started the full on acceptance part at 45). I was married briefly to a woman that I had no attraction to and it ended up being the worst and most painful time of both our lives. Now I’m married to a man that I love dearly with our one year anniversary coming up in November 2020. Thank you for your transparency and congrats on all your subscribers of which I am now one. 🌈☮️
Cindy... You are my new hero. I am 46 years old and... You story is very similar to mine. I was married for almost 20 years before I let myself even begin to be honest with myself regarding my sexuality... It has been a long 2 years.. BUT I am losing the shame and loving myself, my whole self... Thank you for sharing! 🏳️🌈💙💙
I also came to the realization that I am almost completely gay, and the only reason I say almost is because I am still romantically attracted to men. I have been married for 8 years and we have three kids. It is a little disturbing to me to think that maybe staying in my marriage is stuffing down a dream of something I can never have, but honestly, I was and still am connected to my husband emotionally and mentally so I figure this is probably the most important part of a relationship anyway. I’m not sure if I would stay if we didn’t have kids. I think it would be great to explore if I could have romantic feelings for a women, because I do think this is something I suppressed. Like you said, being heterosexual is kind of expected of you. I also grew up in a religion that said being gay was a sin. 😞 Here’s to your journey and I really hope that you find what you are looking for and what you need.
i heard there’s romantic and sexual attraction so you could be attracted to men romantically but not sexually and that’s totally normal! I’d suggest looking into it I personally don’t know much about it so that’s all i can offer. Sexuality is a confusing thing.
Whether or not you are attracted to your husband, you can choose to love him and your children everyday. That is beautiful! Plenty of marriages break up because people don't "feel in love" anymore, but love is an action. Choosing to do what's best for your family is true love. If you were to choose what made you "feel good" that feeling would be fleeting. You're work as a wife and mother is important. You can still choose to grow as a couple. You've got this! You are amazing!
aflojo Thank you, that is very encouraging. I am committed to my husband and children and your right it is a choice to love even when you don’t feel like it. I won’t ever give up on my family.
@@Tanya1987 could you ask your husband if it’s okay if you bring a women into the bedroom ? Sometimes fantasy and reality are two very different things .
This speaks to me. I’m in a similar position. I’ve lived my life as hetero as possible. I’ve suppressed my “gay side”. I’m gay. It feels good to say it and be myself.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. You are incredibly brave and strong to finally be true with yourself after so long. Comp het is something that always messed with me even before I knew the term. I also went my whole life believing I was straight and having no trace of the thought that I could be gay. In college I became best friends with this girl we started “experimenting” (I guess you could call it that?) and we fell completely in love. We even used the words I love you. We were still completely blinded. I even asked one of my other friends why it feels like meh to kiss boys but exploding fireworks to kiss her and we decided on some reasoning that kept my straightness in check. I really thought that we just shared a special bond… She even started dating a guy in the middle of it all bc as far as we were concerned, nothing was happening between us. I felt extremely bitter and jealous but forced myself to feel happy for my “friend”. It still took me a full year to entertain the idea that I could be gay and maybe I liked her. During this time her relationship ended and I couldn’t help but get up on that. We’ve been together 6 years and got married last month! But I used to wonder if I would have figured out that I was gay if that blaringly obvious situation didn’t happen. Even during (and for a while after) there was nothing in my mind pointing to the fact that this was all pretty gay. It makes me so sad thinking about all the people out there who must also be suffering from comp het and just have zero idea. Sharing stories like yours is so essential. Thank you again.
Best of luck on your journey, Cindy... Your story is moving, and whenever I hear a story like this, I always consider how, if events in my life had happened just slightly differently, I might very well have been in a similar situation to yours, just sleepwalking through a comp-het life. I’m in my 40s now, and have been happily married to the same woman for ~20 years, but prior to age 21, I had agonizing crush after crush on girls, (for me, almost always older, conveniently unattainable women, actually, such as teachers). I always explained away my borderline obsessive/stalker-like behaviors by saying to myself that I just idolized them so much and wanted to *be* them, whilst playing the “I’m too serious about my studies and extracurriculars, and too much of a ‘good Catholic girl’ to spend any time dating guys” role around my friends. Even through most of college, I kept this up - I just thought of myself as very serious about school, and not some silly doe-eyed girl who would drop everything for a guy, (but ask me how many times I’d drop everything for a girl I liked). But yeah, I always sort of assumed that, once I finished school and started working, I’d finally start taking some guys up on their requests when they’d ask me out... Also worth mentioning here - I would have a recurring nightmare, (like, from grade school on, but with increasing frequency as I got older), that a hulking shadow creature was chasing me, and I could never quite make it out, but I sure didn’t want to stop to see it any closer, so I would just run and run... and then wake up with my heart pounding, not knowing what it meant or why I kept having the dream. Then when I was 21, a girl, (much more attainable this time, age-wise), from the West Coast started working at my place of employment, and I was smitten once again, following her around like a little puppy dog, secretly doing some of her work for her, hanging on every word she said, (basically, repeating a now well-worn pattern), while explaining my behavior to myself as just me, a midwestern girl, being enthralled by this much more hip West Coast/Cali girl.... Then one day, after she’d been working there for a few months, I overheard a conversation a couple guys were having about this same person being gay - that she was only into girls, and so, even though she was single, she had turned him down when he asked her out.... and it was like the world went into slow motion for several minutes for me as I processed this information... I still remember it so vividly, but what came out at the other end was, first, “Wait, a girl that pretty and feminine can be gay??,” followed by, “Wait.... like, I might have a chance with her??...” Now, while the answer to *that* question was a resounding No, (dude, I got shot down hard, but mostly because she was already interested in someone else), the experience was 🤯- It was like I had been living with a piece of my puzzle missing up to that point, or like the show I’d been starring in, my life, had been in black and white, and suddenly the color came rushing in. And then I could never look back... I immediately began to seek out books and movies, and whatever else I could find to help me understand, (there’s SO much more available now - I had to search for what little there was in independent bookstores and art film houses, with no internet)... and I came out pretty quickly to my friends and (most) family, even though some of the family stuff was hard. I knew I couldn’t live one more second as not my authentic self, and have never had any hesitation or doubt that I did the right thing, that I am valid, and that I am celebrating God’s work in making us all so diverse and beautiful by loving myself as I am. And that nightmare that I mentioned? - Never visited me again once I figured myself out. I genuinely hope that your process of self-discovery and starting over, though it may at times be bumpy, (I still have bumps with my parents 🤷🏼♀️), will lead you to a place of joy and self-fulfillment, where you are happy in your own skin, as it did for me. 💜
Wow. You are very brave for living into your full truth! That is something that a lot of people either don't realize or ignore their whole lives. I'm grateful I came across your video! Peace to you :)
Thank you for sharing your story. I came out when I was 25, I had a similar experience of denial due to lack of representation and fear. However I never dated men and just thought I would be single forever. Anyways, it’s been about 2 years since I came out and a lot of personal growth, but I finally feel confident in who I am. I HIGHLY recommend a book called Untamed by Glennon Doyle, she also came out after years of hetero marriage and the book is a documentation of her journey. It’s incredibly powerful. I wish you all the best on you journey ❤️
What you said here at 9:30 really resonates with me i remember a lot of the gay romance book I use to read when I was 13-15 was always so dark and gloomy they rarely had a happy ending and drug abuse was alway in the plot so being young and impressionable I thought that was what happens if you are gay- that you'd live a miserable life but as I have grown older I've realised that gay doesn't equate misery because I'm gay and my life isn't miserable so obviously those book were written to discourage young gay children from exploring themselves. (It was wattpad books that I read) I hope that others are able to realise that those books don't have our best interests in heart.
Be kind to yourself. It's confusing, empowering, exciting, and not logical (thus be kind with yourself). Taking a leap of faith is scary... learning to listen to yourself is big. "When you come to the end of all the light you know, and it's time to step into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things shall happen: either you will be given something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly." Edward Teller thank you for sharing.
Damn, what a journey!! Can't imagine how hard it must have been for you. I'm still young, never been in any relationship, but comphet already screwed me up very badly. I'm almost sure I'm a lesbian, but any affection or just general kindness from boys I'm don't even actually talk to me makes me think that I'm just confused and am actually straight (not bisexual, but straight). Can't imagine living a whole life (with marriage and stuff) struggling with comphet, cuz I know it can only get worse. That masterdoc saved so many people lives, honestly. I'm so glad it exists and I was born in a more accepting society (though we still have a looong road ahead). You're very very inspiring and I wish you only the best from now on. You did the right choice. Be happy. I was really touched by you and your video, keep going.
Sorry for the strife in your life. It’s amazing that you chose to be brave and authentic despite that strife. I hope for better days ahead for you. The angry, hurtful voices might be loud, but love conquers all.
Girl I feel you, 3 years ago I told everyone I was bi but i felt ashamed and grossed out with myself ....now in 2020 I feel like I have suppressed the feelings, this will be sad but I keep trying to fake it that I like men and I will marry one because I know my family will accept it, I’m not saying I don’t like men I like both...but I’ll never be with a woman and I’ll always wonder...thank you so much for the subreddit, seeing this helps me so much thank you
I'm coming to this video 2 months' later, but genuinely wishing you well on your journey of self discovery. Please trust that you did the right thing for you and your ex. When you feel that heart thump for the real love of your life, you'll be so grateful you opened yourself up to being your true, authentic self. My husband went thru the same experience as you, and we've been happily married now for nearly 2 years. Be kind to yourself right now, and give yourself time and the mental space to get through this. Clarity regarding all other life paths and choices will come. The only choice with being gay is choosing to accept and embrace who you really are.
Wow, thank you for sharing this. I am at the similar stage you were in when you identified as bi because not all the things in the master doc applied to you... I left it at that and haven't returned to the subreddit, and I think bi is the right label for me because I am fairly certain I experience genuine attraction to men, but I'm not fully sure because pretty much every relationship I've been in has been because I was aware the guy was into me. I think there might only be one exception and it is unfortunately not my current boyfriend... so I think I need therapy to continue working through this for me. I feel like I understand what you're talking about with representation in the media... you aren't saying that you didn't know lesbians were a thing, but you didn't know someone like you, with a religious upbringing, could be gay and be happy/find love and acceptance. We need more of those stories being shared in the media because I know I was attracted to a female friend at a young age and had what I now identify as crushes on women, but even though I knew lesbians (a friend my age and a couple my aunt was friends with), I never really felt like I was allowed to be one based on my upbringing in a church that didn't openly bash the LGBT community, but also didn't openly welcome them, either... Anyway, thanks again for sharing your story. I'm sure this will help others who might be in the same boat trying to figure themselves out, or those who feel and are going through the same thing feel less alone.
You have gone through exactly what i am now you described my gay journey throughout life perfectly i cant believe someone has had almost exactly the same journey as me we even look alike when im ready too i will send this video to the people i love thank you so much this has made a BIG difference to my life all the best xxx
Wishing you well in your new life and moving on not living your real self . To hell with others opinions about what and how you should think and be as live is very short and you anyone are responsible for directing your direction of happiness . Offering a little love and hope for your continued happiness. ❤
Love what you said about context and representation in media this is a big reason why I didn’t know I was transgender until I was 24-25. I Wish the best for you my sister in-laws mother just came out as a lesbian after being married for over 30 years.
My mom spent most of her life "fitting" herself into being heterosexual when in reality her whole life she was gay. She grew up in the time where being gay was super hush-hush and not super represented. She did explore before she had me with my dad and marrying him but because of the social constructs of the time she didn't allow herself to be who she was. All of this I didn't know until later even after coming out to her as bisexual myself. My mom and I came out to each other actually... after that she started seeing women. In 2015, she married her wife. I'm proud of my mom for following the path in her life that has made her the happiest. It was a rough path to get to where she is now. In all of this, I'm trying to say is.. it may be SUPER hard now but in the end it's worth it.
I may not be gay.. but the struggle to accept yourself when other people around you disapprove... It just hurts my heart because I relate to that right now
Thank you Cindy for being so strong and sharing your story! I can relate, I’m in an extremely similar situation and it’s not easy. Hearing your story was the first time I’ve actually heard a story so close to my own. I must say it is very comforting to actually feel like I’m not alone. I cannot wait to go listen to the rest of your videos rn!
![Lp. Сердце Вселенной #60 РОЖДЕНИЕ ЛОЛОЛОШКИ [Финал] • Майнкрафт](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/YoR0pAV9FVQ/mqdefault.jpg)
You will get thru this!
I literally can feel your pain...
I’m 58.
I’m seven years amicably divorced after my wife had the same epiphany. We have two kids. My former wife and I shared almost 20 years together.
She now married to another woman. And you know what... it’s all good.
❤️
I can tell you are a good person with a big heart. God bless you I wish you all the best
It's not clear to me if you are a man or a woman, since you say: "to another woman". It could be a typo. So she is doing just fine (as expected). How are you doing?
Jaime Duncan
I am a man who was married to a woman... who came out late in life and married another woman.
It all worked out in the end.
I posted this based on the subject matter of the video!
✌️
Clay you don’t feel like a big chunk of your life was wasted because of that? 20 years is a hell of a lot of time. It’s a pretty fucked up situation. Nothing you or her could do. But that shit must SUCKS. Trying to be supportive and understanding but got your time was indirectly wasted. Nobody gives af about the person who thought their significant other was straight. It seems like everyone’s like “how did you keep this secret for so many years” to the person coming out. Hope it’s different for you. Good luck on your next phase in life though 👍🏾
"Do you think you're gay?"
"No!", my now ex-wife responded. "But what if I am?"
"I think you should find out."
That was beginning of my ex-wife's journey to discover she was a lesbian. That was in 1995.
Looking back at it now, she would have definitely grown-up with CompHet ideologies but for us, we had not heard that term. At the time, she was 25 and we had two children.
We would eventually get divorced - and in hindsight we probably should have done it sooner - but we are both remarried to wonderful women. I don't pretend to understand all of the emotions you are experiencing but I think in the end both you and your husband will be happier.
This is such a wholesome comment 🥺 You had a great reaction- instead of getting angry at her and trying to force her to stay with you, you encouraged her to discover her true self. That's not as common as it should be. That's real love, I respect you sm.
Dude, you got scammed HARD. How much did the divorce cost you?
*You are : descriptive words, your - pen, car , jacket (ownership). Yes, I am correcting... The world is illiterate and it is sad...
@@mylist0song he gets the point across and thats what matters; he can get grammar class elsewhere from a more polite and tactful person
fool I have no problem with being the grammar ass.
It really is terrible just how much pressure there is to not only be straight but to get married. We really shouldn't be shocked at our high divorce rate when comphet is such a common thing.
I just realized at 29. I had convinced myself that I was asexual because I did not want to have sex with any of the men that I have dated. My biggest fear now is that I could lose some of my longest friendships and relationships with family members as a result. I am reassured by your story because so much representation is people that have known they are gay from a very young age. Thank you for sharing your story.
I first thought I might be asexual or demisexual as well. It just took a perspective shift and now the world shines brighter.
I don't know how your family will respond, but know that your happiness matters too. You deserve to be happy regardless of what your family thinks. Hugs and love!
Discovered I was ace about 3 years ago (25, 28 now) in grad school. I actually discovered most of my school friends were some flavor of ace. I'm not out at home (I don't date so why bother). But, hopefully, you will find your people.
I can't tell you that it'll all be wonderful and everyone will react well. It's easy to say that they're not real friends, but I know it doesn't feel that way. When you're ready, it does feel easier not having to hide the constant anxiety. It might transpire that some people just go "oh. Fair enough.", which I had a couple of times and felt distinctly anticlimactic, but reassuring.
You can do this. Proud of you!!
Girl same I thought I was Asexual too
"Am I a Lesbian? Masterdoc" is such an important cultural touchstone. I'm glad it helped you. Now you can thrive.
If it wasn’t for that doc I would still be doubting my true self ❤️
Where can I watch it?
@@litls4946 Just google Am I a Lesbian? Masterdoc" (there are a few versions out there. You want one with about 30 pages. Take it slow. It might require a few readings.
@@isobelb don't take this "lesbian masterdoc" seriously because the woman who wrote it isn't a lesbian in the first place but bisexual.What can a bisexual woman who is also attracted to men know what it means to be a lesbian? Absolutely nothing in my opinion
@@liv0003 I see what you mean. A chaotic rant posted to tumblr might not be important in the context of serious GSRD study. But I've found it quite helpful to show a woman that is much younger than me, (that is also questioning her identity) that she is not alone in her struggle. (Something that I have probably partially forgotten over the decades.)
I am not, for a moment, suggesting that "AIAL?MD" should be considered to be on the same level as the writings of Adrienne Rich, but I do still stand by my original assertion because I read replies such as Kayla Harding's almost every month.
Hey girl. Im gay and have been married to the same woman for 12 years (together for 18). I didnt meet her till i was 27 and she was 35. Im 45 now and shes 53. My point is my first couple of lesbian relationships were short and some were horrendous. 10 years with your best friend is better than 10 in and out of bad relationships. You know yourself a lot better in your 30s and more likely to have a good and healthy relationship. Good luck to you.
Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Shes lucky to have married her bff. All throughout history and still to this day, dating has so much rape and domestic violence issues that its safest not to date at all.
I'm happy she is where she is now
Omg the “what boy do you like?” “Um I dunno that guy I guess?” Story hits close to home 😬
Me too, but as an asexual. The pressure from friends to pick someone was awful
Fr
It's stupid even for heterosexual people. I'm bi and struggled with crushes because they all ended up being assholes. And people would always taunt me, saying I liked, some guy specifically, just for looking in their general direction or wondering what they were doing. They did it with girls too once I told people. People are grossly obsessed with others relationships in general.
I started puberty at 8 and unfortunately developed feelings and understandings of things early on. Yet at the same time I was sitting there thinking, "I'm too young for this, do they even know what they are suggesting?!"
Bruh, i pushed this idea of liking someone so hard it made my mental health go wild like "why am i even doing this, i don't even like this dude". The expectation to be straight is real and it can fuck you up.
I love you so much Aunt Cindy, I'm proud of your journey I hope that everyone you need to accept you does, if you ever need anything please let me know ❤😁
💗💗💗
I couldn't ask for better support.
What a great niece! And power to you, Cindy!
This literally brought a tear to my eyes.
@@ayorkii When it boils down to it, family is so important. I am so glad she has Shayli's support! What a gem! Go Shayli!
@@PopeSimonX why most lesbian come out to there husband after getting graduation or degree ? I seen 5 stories like this 😂😂
My wife and I are 50/49 respectfully. 15 years being married as a heterosexual couple, we watched HBO's "The Trans List" and immediately we identified myself as trans. Signs were all there, but we didn't have a name for it. After transitioning to female, my wife actually fell harder in love with me. She had married me for my feminine traits and because of her upbringing, just always saw herself as never being with a woman...so technically, she's coming out as lesbian. We're all pushed to fit into certain molds when we're younger, and sometimes, we don't allow ourselves to explore either. We've always had a good relationship, but now, it's like someone just added sprinkles on top of our sundays. Never apologize for figuring yourself out.
This is so sweet. What an amazing marriage!
Your connection is rare and valuable. I’m glad this relationship mutually accepting! I wish both of you happiness (on top of the sprinkles).
Dang 🥺😍💖
Changing Gender thank you for sharing! Your story gives me hope 💗
That is so sweet 😍😍 thanks for sharing
You’re so strong. I just came out this month and broke things off with my male partner of over a year. He was the one who proposed we break up, I sobbed and agreed and couldn’t stop apologizing. He was my favorite person and the reason I was able to come out to myself. He was always in my corner and cheering me on to be the most authentic version of myself. How many times do you need to google “am I a lesbian” at 3 in the morning before your phone just flashes YES in rainbow letters???
I look forward to when we can adjust to being friends again, but I’m so glad I came across your video. I too would look at late bloomer lesbians and say “why change up your whole life?? You were fine!! You could do it”. It’s the word “could”. Not would. I wish you more strength on your journey
Fair to u angel I'm not gay but if ur happy go for all in ur life x
Im glad that your former partner was able to bring out the best of you and it was a good relationship. Im very excited for what the future holds for you now. Im sure now that you can live as your true self the future holds great happiness and blessings for you and your future partners!
if you are lesbian,how do you end up with a man? You guys had sex right?It didnt feel good.I do understand that society puts pressure on you and tells you how to behave,but still....Congrats on coming out earlier than this lady.Because in time,you can destroy someone's life by prolonging the inevitable
@@robb5828 no one tells you to "check for gay before continuing" like some checkmark in a video game (although i wish it would) It's quite easy to stroll through life not understanding attraction. i still find men attractive. But it's taken me a nearly a year of being an out lesbian to realize that the attraction ends at just recognizing a pretty face, and not wanting to sleep with them. I realize now that the partners I chose were attractive by conventional standards because i was desperately trying to grasp onto some type of "normal". But if you asked me at the time I would've told you i thought they were hot.
As far as her husband is concerned, I don't know their situation fully, but I highly doubt his "life is destroyed". Shit happens and we move on and rebuild. Sure it sucks, but his life isn't over.
@@chonkybonky Well,i do hope that in the future,more people should seek guidance before taking big leaps in their life. Because it seems like,people like you ,may not have the sense of what attraction is,i mean you didn't have that sense before and now you gained it. I understand that it might be difficult to discuss things ,but i do believe that a simple conversation with a straight person maybe,would've revealed the truth way before :) Idk if it makes sense,im too tired to type at the moment
You're right the world has changed. I'm 13 and a lot of my friends have come out as LGBTQ because representation on tv and realized they were gay. Their parents accepted them. There's hope for the next generation.
Republicans will now tell you that the tv show made them gay 😂 like no. You used the right word. They REALIZED they were gay. They’ve always been this way.
🏳️🌈 love wins 💖
@@scott_itall8638 its only 3 of them. The rest of us are straight as a ruler.
@@scott_itall8638 That might have been true a while ago but nowadays if we want a next generation, no matter if everyone's gay or not, we'll get one.
@@notyomama6153 i'm republican and bisexual, but am more towards the middle
@@scott_itall8638 you do realize children can be adopted right? How many kids are there in adoption facilities waiting for someone to choose them?
My girlfriend sent me your video....
I am turning 40 this year. I came out as a late bloomer at 35 after an epiphany. I was married for 16byears and have 4 kids. I had similar experiences as you... I stuffed my feelings away and followed comphet.
It gets better! It will be a bumpy road but know there are many of us out there... reach out if you need support!
How did your kids handle it?
I hope you ex is in therapy. Most women really don’t understand how devastating ‘out of the blue’ world changing revelations such as this are to men.
@@89five3five oh my god shut up. it's always about the men and never about the lesbian women who were so pressured by patriarchy that they forced themselves against their true desires to be with a man for years if not straight up decades because they thought that was what they were supposed to do. like stfu. boohoo my wife is a lesbian! it happens accept and support her, be happy for her, and move on.
@@89five3five well most of these women only care about themselves like straight women in a marriage
My mother came out in her late thirties when I was 11 years old. It was not easy, and I don't know all she went through, but in the end she is now living her best life and I am proud of her. Stay true to yourself.
You described my childhood exactly on how I confused friendships for crushes on men. You are very eloquent and a fantastic storyteller! Thanks for sharing.
I"m so glad! I hope youwatch more videos.
Even though I am bisexual I could relate with that so much as well, only ever talking about my crushes on boys or coming up with crushes on boys and always downplaying my crushes on girls.
This woman relaxes me for some reason she is so special the world deserves two of her
I watch these videos to understand my mum better. She's 57 and after a 20 year hetero marriage she divorced and came out as lesbian and now has a girlfriend!!! I'm really happy for them so I want to understand what my mum's going through. Thank you for being so brave. I loved reading everyone's comments. I'm so proud of y'all ❤️
So cute you are not homophobic. I came out to my family when i was around 19 i think and was one of the most difficult thing in whole life
This made me cry cause i went through the same thing 5 years ago. It was honestly the most difficult period of my life. Me and my ex husband had been together for 12 years since i was only 13, and he was and still is one of the most important persons of my life. I honestly loved him with all my heart. We're still best friends now. I still cry when i think about how much i hurt him, the feeling of guilt is so strong that I'm not sure it will ever go away completely, but it does get a bit better with time. You should be proud of yourself for making such a hard decision and for choosing you.
hey, comphet is something really that really pressures us into boxes, you did the best you could do with the tools you had, it will get better, do not feel guilty for living your truth, you deserve to live a full life and to be happy, your ex will find someone that will love him the way he deserves to be loved
So why couldnt you guys just found a bi woman to be your third person? That way everyone would be happy
@@natc1008 What are you talking about? She didn't come out as polyamorous, she came out as gay ("I went through the same thing"). "I honestly loved him with all my heart" doesn't mean she's not a lesbian. I love people with all my heart who are not my spouse. There is more than one kind of love.
The way your eyes lit up when you talked about "m" omg
it's insane to me that I, a seventeen year old lesbian, had almost the EXACT same experience as you in elementary and middle school (even down to Anne of green gables!). I know it's a super common one, but it just amazes me how far we've gone even since I was young, and how far we still have to go. much love to you right now 💞
It's funny how when you figure things out you can look back and go "aha! Now that makes sense!" Sorry you missed it too when you were younger, but I'm so glad you get to be free now! And I'm so happy that it's at a much younger age! go live your proud life!
Yes. The Anne of Green Gables...
@@PopeSimonX i came out as lesbain my preants is doing their best to support me they not support lgbt they read online to support me why they do that ?.
The difference between you talking about the boy and M is amazing
Thank you for uploading this, I’m only 14 and struggling to work out my sexual orientation. Whether I’m bisexual or a lesbian your story has given me courage and helped me realise that it doesn’t matter how quickly I find a label because at the end of the day I can come out at any age. 💓🏳️🌈
Good luck out there! You have all the time in the world to figure it out.
Alice Torres thank you, that means a lot 💜
hey I'm in the exact same position cool
Lea Ber sending you lots of love, it can be really tough 💓
@@izzieh7335 ikr💚
that "somethings missing" feeling is so real
At the age of 34 , while married I realized I was gay. The best thing I did was indeed to not string him along. I applaud you for acting on that same realization. It will matter greatly to you and to your personal self esteem in the future. It is now 30 years later for me and making the choice to be truly my authentic self has made All the difference. Not to say that it will all be easy for you but I hope it is worth it for you as it was for me. I will share a vision I was given in a dream . I open a door and it was nothing but bright white on the other side. I knew I was walking into my new life. I was told simply “ Go and color it any colors you like” That’s what I have been doing . You go color too. Anything that pleases you.... its your life, no one else’s. I am here if you need a friend.
I haven't watched your whole video yet but what you said about representation really resonates with me. I'm 21 and really came to terms with my sexuality a few months ago and am in the process of coming out. Some people really don't understand how I couldn't have really known until recently and the truth is I just didn't see any gay women growing up either in media or real-life just existing/falling in love etc. If I didn't see it, how could I ever believe I could BE it? Only in the last few years has representation become more prevalent. I think if I was to have been born ten years earlier or more I may be in your exact position. Thank you for sharing
I feel the same way about representation. I'm 19 and some of my politically aware friends have been talking about heteronormativity for a while already but it's only now that really slowly start to understand why it's so problematic because I realize how it affects me
Representation is EVERYTHING. My most recent video, I talk about how it's even more than just showing some kinds of lesbians, it's about showing a diversity of lesbians. Even when I saw lesbians in the media, they didn't look, act, or talk like me, so I didn't realize they could be me!
I feel this! Thankfully I’m only 20 and was not married, but I was in a committed relationship with a guy that I DID love, it just wasn’t the right type of love. I even enjoyed sex, not because I was attracted to him but because I found beauty in the intimacy it brought us and it still felt good //physically// when I was touched in certain ways. So I genuinely thought I was just “attracted to his personality” and therefore told myself that the rest didn’t matter, and it would be shallow of me to break up with him over his looks. But something was off, and the thought of a future with him felt safe and happy, but not completely fulfilling. After we split up, I had a fling with another guy and realized I was getting into the same cycle. Then it hit me
What hit you?
Oh shit, hits a little too close to home 👀
i had a boyfriend too, now i'm in a relationship with a girl. It really hit close to home when you said that 'it wasn't the right type of love' bc i really did love my ex, but i wasn't in love with him, sex was alright bc i liked having my body stimulated, it was completely physical. My girlfriend doesn't understand how i could be with a guy 'if i really am gay', it's really frustrating sometimes bc i know that i could never fall in love with a man
This is exactly the thing I'm going through right now. I love my boyfriend so deeply, but also it feels like something is missing. A part of me still wants me to believe that I am actually attracted to guys and just asexual, or it's just my depression making me feel numb, or maybe it's just his looks... I'm trying to find so many excuses as to way I could stay with this man. And I am terrified of later down the line finding out I might not be into men at all. I've been identifying as bisexual for a few years now, but right until the reality I might only be into women came up, I didn't realise how much internalised homophobia I have.
“By the time [the first gay marriage happened in the U.S.] I had already had my first crush, and miscategorized it already. Context matters.”
Oooooof wow that one hit me girl.
I'm 25, and I've been doing the one foot in the closet one foot out game for a long time now. I tried really hard to be bisexual and recently it's hit me that I'm actually a lesbian. Seeing this video has really helped me not feel so alone even if our situations are pretty different
I was kinda the same, and now I get it I can’t fathom ever being near a man and the times I realise now were traumatic. The sooner you’re living your authentic life the better! ❤️
I always thought the whole "I just wanna be their friend" was just something I did growing up. Good to know that other gay people have had that experience.
6:15 this sparked a memory, and a realization that why I broke down upon finding out that an old classmate had passed away. She was my first crush, she was so nice to me and she taught me how to use the monkey bars. I adored her 🥺
"I thought that she was my Diana" that's the cutest shit ever.
I’m reading this in 2024. 3 years after posting.
So courageous. I hope your life has worked out for you and that you e found strength and happiness fueled by your admirable faith in yourself.
I think it really hit me when I realised that I really wanted my “backup marriage pact” with my best friend to come true. We’re both on the asexual spectrum and I couldn’t think of anything better than growing old with her. She’s in a serious relationship with her boyfriend so 😩💙
if she's happy,let her be
I just have to say... you aren’t “just gay.” You are Gay. And THAT is perfectly ok. AND you owe NO ONE an explanation. The fact that you can come to terms with it, and live your life the way you were meant to, is a blessing. I’m rooting for you ❤️ First time watching you and now subscribing. Proud of you ❤️
Same! 🌻👌🏽🌻 Well said! So I’ll like your post instead of saying the same! Cheers!
I just turned 18 but I still relate to this video a lot. I just stopped suppressing my sexuality, and left my partner of two and a half years. I’m glad that I could realize this before I took the relationship any further. Seeing videos like this from older and more mature individuals makes me happy because I feel like I made the right decisions. It makes makes me feel more secure and less lost. Thank you so much for this video
I appreciate that you said you're "good at crying." That's an underrated skill. Good luck to you; you did the right thing!
I wasn’t married to a man, but I was engaged to one. It was so difficult to break up with him, but I had to be true to myself. It will get better. I met a wonderful woman and my life is so much happier now. You will get through this, and you will be happier.
To those commenting on this video stating that this woman is suffering from "compulsory lesbianism" or is cheating her husband out of something or just pretending she isn't bisexual I just want to remind you that you know nothing about this woman what so ever other than what she just told you in the video, which if you bothered to watch you would understand that she said she feels as though what she construed as attraction was nothing more than a need for friendship from men. Whether or not you believe those things are real, it is not up to you to tell this woman how she feels. I would like to think that she knows herself better than some stupid youtube comment that wants to stir the pot because they have nothing better to do. Get your head out of your ass and stop putting down someone trying to share their story, it was not invitation for your opinion (which has zero merit because you do not know this person). You do not know her husband or how he feels, you do not know her history, and you do not get to dictate what someone else is going through for your own ego.
Cindy I hope you find more happiness and ignore the people attempting to make you uncomfortable in your choices. You should write a book about your experiences, and I wish you luck in exploring this new person you are finding yourself to be! :)
Thank you so much for your comment! It means the world to me.
I'm not really worried about the haters. From strangers on the internet, it means literally nothing to me. It's hard when it comes from people I thought cared, but strangers? IDGAF. But I do love that people are willing to value me and stand up for me. Thank you so much.
Yes I will definitely read this book!!!!
TalesofCindy what I disliked about your video was you blaming the media and you constantly saying you had no “context”. You’re 31, the internet was around for the overwhelming vast majority of your life. With the internet you don’t need “context” or the media to inform you. You are talking like you grew up in the 1950’s. Instead be honest and responsible and say you were in denial. You didn’t need context or the media to form your crush on a girl when you were 10. So stop with the blame game.
@@kckstnd8 Representation is very important not only to form an identity but also to be accepting if that identity. So yes, she was in denial, maybe if she'd seen lesbians better represented none of this would have happened. And the internet a lot of the time only shows you what you're looking for.
@@kckstnd8 you are wrong, definitely. Representation is important for all members of the LGBT community to understand themselves. Heterosexuality is assumed (like when Cindy describes being asked which boys she has a crush on), LGBT people can misinterpreted their feelings so that they fit in with Heterosexuality and not realising they're not cis/het
I feel like a similar thing happened to me, in that one day I just came to the conclusion, that I was definitely bi. -Like I actually am bi- but I feel that denial stage HARD. I feel like representation has gotten better as I’ve realised this at 20 years old instead of 31 but it’s still not great. The bi erasure doesn’t help either but we will get there one step at a time and hopefully one day women will have the support and representation we need to even just realise we are not all straight in the first place. This is inspiring and I’m sending good energy your way 🧡
this is so amazing and I want you to know how many people are going to benefit from you uploading this video.
You just gave me so much clarity in my own life. I recently realized I’m asexual and possibly aromatic. Growing up, crushes confused me so much because I never got them. So, similarly, I always mistook a strong want to be friends with someone as a crush. It still confuses me to this day because I grew up with not understanding my feelings, but things are getting better. Any representation in the media would have saved me so much confusion.
Thank you so so much.
To be fair, Anne and Diana seem to be way more than friends!! You're not to blame if you saw you and your first crush in them
What's the name of the book ?
Couldn't hear it right
@@Hhhhhiiikkkk Anne of green gables!
right i totally think anne and diana are lowkey lesbians
@@soupafleye I think they're both bi. Both express very romantic affection to both each other and other male characters
So pleased I’ve discovered your channel Cindy. I can relate to your story. I’m due to get married next year (would have already been married if Covid hadn’t happened) but I feel now I am waking up inside to discover my true sexuality. I’ve been with my fella for 10.5 years. I’m in my early forties. I’ve been fighting this forever. I once had a brief three month relationship with a woman in my late twenties.... my first ever female experience. There’s always been something there. I have so many pointers in my life that I’ve ignored and only now I’m putting it all together. I’m terrified to talk to my partner. It’s going to be so painful for us.
That subreddit really hits home. Your story resonates so much with me as well. I came out to my husband last December. I know I’m a lesbian now but the question mark is if asexuality is actually how I am or if I’m still holding internalized homophobia and pushing any sexual attraction down. Proud of you for coming out, and thank you so much for your story! Every story matters because like you said, representation matters!! 💕
I am 59 I was married to a man for 20 years, I have been divorced for 21 years and have been alone all those years. I just came out this year only 4 people know. It's been hard making lesbian friends. I live in a rural area which make it even harder. I have been talking to people on Facebook right now just friends because I have no clue what I am doing. Hope everything works out for you.
You are an inspiration, and I am super proud of you. The journey to self discovery for us late bloomers will always be a tough one, but there is a joy in becoming who you were always meant to be. Keep being you, and I look forward to the future with you. Sending lots of love and support.
Coming out is tough. I had no conscious idea I was gay until I was in college - younger than you but I still really relate to your story. It was super hard and scary coming to terms with it, accepting it, and coming out. I went through the “bi” phase also. But when I finally accepted it and came out, I felt such relief. I realized I could truly breathe for the first time. Good for you and it definitely gets better. You’ve taken the first steps.
I totally get this. All the signs were there in middle school 6th grade but I didn't think it would be an option because I too never saw anything but heterosexual relationships. It is so true that more representation is needed so people would feel more comfortable being who they are realizing they are.
I totally respect you. I am gay and my wife of 51 years was very accepting. I cared for her with MS for 26 years before she passed. I am now free to be the gay man I always was. Too old to look for a husband now. I am 77. Trust you are able to work your way through this difficult situation. I support you with whatever decision you make.
So I’m a gay dude, I came out at 23. Our stories are wildly different, but there is still so much you can learn. Appreciate the video. I will say one thing I see in my experience is a lot of closeted gay men seeking out sex while being married and it pisses me off.
Really?! Even now that's still happening? I understand that 30 years ago but still now? I don't want to underestimate how hard it is for men to come out but it's such a horrible thing for a man to do to chose to get married and then sleep around with men 😢
Simon❤ Thanks for your posting! Being a late bloomer myself, I find your video very valuable. There are some significant differences and some similarities between yours and my story. I do, after three years and at the age of 55! Yes! Fiftyfive! recognize that I am a homosexual. My wife doesn’t know (yet). But I’ve only recognized this for the last year. There were fewer signs of my sexual orientation in youth and later. I never had a crush on boys. Early signs are that I loved, ever since the age of 11, wearing pantyhoses. That continued until the pandemic. During the pandemic, I discovered I had testicle cancer. I am now cancer free, but one of my testicles was removed. Testicles are the source of testosterone production. I seriously do not know if this was the turning point, but after my testicle removal, my emotions went bananas. Pre-cancer, I was a fairly macho guy showing no feelings. Suddenly I had these emotional outbursts. Just recently my wife and I watched «disobidience», the lesbian romance. While my wife thought of it as good and moving, I literally drowned in tears. Also, my cross dressing habits incresed. Now I wear female underwear, dresses, makeup. I am so lucky to go on business twice a year to Paris. There is a store there, Shoesissime, which sells large size womens shoes. I have bought pumps and heel sandals. I wander if the lack of testosterone makes me more true with my inner self. I don’t know really. Over the last few years, my attraction to men has grown to the extent that I consider myself a homosexual, even if I’ve haven’t had sex with men. Yet. But I plan to. My problem is somewhat the same as yours. I love my wife. But it’s not fair to her, how we live now. My fear is not coming out. It is about explaining why I come out at the age of 55! Did I deceive her? Well, not conciously. I am not sure what path I am choosing. But at least I am in peace with myself that I am a homosexual. Me deceiving my wife or not, however, is an entirely other question. Since I love her I don’t want her to leave. At the same time, I cannot hold on to her because that wouldn’t be honest of me. She deserves better. At the same time, I really would be sure by experiencing sex with another man. Oh… life is not easy. Anyway… I wish you all the best and I hope you find your soulmate and ultimate love. ❤❤❤
I can relate. I was married to a kind, loving man for thirteen years and didn’t realize I was a lesbian until a few months before I told my husband and came out to my family. I was 37 at the time. I’m now 42 and dating an amazing woman. My ex-husband is happily remarried. I’ve known I’ve been attracted to females for a long time, but thought all women felt that way, prob. due to comp het. Yes, same about Anne of Green Gables!
Why do you become to man?
I completely relate to your level of stuffing your true feelings for women down. I was in deep denial in high school. It wasn't until college that I fully unearthed everything, and came out at 22. It was a shocking time, a lot of realizations, and I am so happy to be on the other side. It's so much better over here. You will get through it and be so relieved of your journey.
you are so loved and supported. i can tell just from this video that you are a genuine human being. you deserve to live a life that makes you feel happy and fulfilled. i cannot imagine how hard this time must be for you but living out your truth will be so worthwhile. i was out as bisexual since i was 14 but about 8 months ago i realized that i am a lesbian (i am 19 now). we are in very different points in our life but i just want you to know that so many people, including me, understand how you are feeling. comp het is a horrible thing that most gay women have to deal with and sort through. i wish you nothing but the absolute best! keep being yourself!
Thank you!! There's so much pressure to like boys, that it's easy to manufacture this idea that you actually do! Hang in there.
I needed this in my life. I recently came out to my husband of 10 years. We have a child together. We're weird a sappy for each other. Even though we've decided to stay together, it feels so amazing to have that weight lifted off of me being able to be honest with him, but especially with myself.
I love that you are choosing to stay together. You're honesty can bring you closer together and I encourage you to keep growing as a couple, and be a true example of selfless love for your child.
It's definitely not a decision for everyone. It it continues to be the topic of on going late night emotional and thoughtful conversations. It may change, it may not. I was lucky enough to marry my best friend and be keep reiterating that our top priority besides our child is each other's happiness.
I am going through something similar. Very eerily similar! I’m almost 33 (in like, a minute, happy birthday to me!). I only recently heard of the CompHet theory and I’ve got the document pulled up (I’m nervous to read it) but when I’ve read compulsory heterosexuality pieces all over the Internet I have dismissed the possibility because, like you did, I’ve identified as bi for a few years. I’m afraid of the repercussions if I’m not for my marriage... but I do feel more and more drawn toward women and I feel like if nothing else, I will be living an incomplete life if I don’t explore a relationship with a woman. Yet, I’m EXTREMELY monogamous so I can’t do this married! And the idea of all the change that would have to happen/talking to my husband is more than daunting.
happy birthday :) hopefully you figure stuff out relatively smoothly
I just broke up with my boyfriend after 2 years of dating. Like a month ago. I'm a lesbian too. I'm gender non-conforming and its been really difficult to come to terms with my understanding of gender and sexuality intersectionally. I know its not the same situation, but so many of our experiences are similar. This is so hard but I hope you feel that sense of understanding of yourself that lets some anxieties rest. I just remember thinking so much "im happy but am I happy in the ways that other couples seem happy?". You're not alone and you deserve to live honestly too. Also I keep thinking that my relationships with men were mistakes, and its not always true. I hope youre doing well.
Thank you for sharing your story! Every additional story and take on comp het and realizing your gay is extremely helpful! I'm 26 and working through this, though luckily not married.
I think a person's life story is like a book that gets added to a massive library. Obviously, the more books a library has, the better a library it is. When people add their books to the library, they not only better understand themselves, they also make it possible for others to check out that book and better understand themselves. Thank you for sharing your book with us.
Driving my car, weeping. very moving. And you’re doing something I can never do which is to talk about a major event like that while it’s happening.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m going through a similar journey of self discovery but with being polyamorous. I always grew up in gay positive circles, so coming out and realising I was Pansexual was no problem (although as a side not I convinced myself I was bi for a while too)
The problem for me has been there’s very little positive poly representation in the media or discussion with family or friends. It’s always been wrong or not even an option for me. So everything you went through down to your first crushes I can relate to HARD but with a closeted poly lense I didn’t even know I had.
I hope you and your ex husband are okay and you’re both thriving in your new lives now. Thank you again for your video
"You can't fight yourself forever"
This is really true. There's something not feel fine with my marriage life with my husband. Now we're fixing to have a divorce too.
Good luck!!
I'm so sorry to hear about all the pain you're going through, honey. I'm 33 and I'm MTF trans and I'm just starting to inch my way out of the closet. It feels like my whole life has been a lie and I was never able to figure out why. I'm 100% expecting that when my parents find out they will make my life a living hell. I don't know how I would survive without the love and support of my friends right now. I'm proud of you for taking the steps you're taking to know yourself how to build a future for yourself that is honest and meaningful and authentic, and I think you and your husband are dealing with this in the most mature way possible. I wish you comfort and strength for the difficult times ahead.
Ohhh, I came across this because I am having a bit of a crisis myself and really relate to your story. Thank you so much for sharing. I have been with my partner for 15 years and had always identified as Bi but I read through the master doc and am questioning everything because so much of it sounded like me. The idea of being gay does make a lot of sense but fills me with dread. I knew I always liked women but didn't even consider that I might be gay and my partner is my best friend in the entire world.
Similar situation for me too. I’m in early forties. Been with him 10.5 years. I haven’t read this thing online but I’m going to.
You’re a brave person!! when i had to figure out i was gay, it felt like i was losing a part of myself at first. but then i started to call myself “lesbian” and realized that my insecurities around my attraction to men were unnecessary, and moving forward became easy and empowering.
I love that when You're talking bout' your "first crush" you act like friendly, but when You're talking bout' your second crush you have a silly smile aww. Best wishes!!!
I identify with this so hard. I’m 25 not 30, but I am so proud of you. And even though this is hitting me like a ton of bricks (as you said), there is STILL a part of me that is like “but what if you’re wrong...” I hope I will be in your shoes soon. I’m excited for you!!
I relate to your story on such a deep level and I’m so thankful to you for sharing it. I realized I was a lesbian while married to a man for 5 years (we had a total of 7 years in a relationship). When I had my realization, it felt so strong and real, and like I was finally understanding myself and becoming able to love myself that I figured I was a lesbian before even kissing a woman as an adult. I had that tough conversation with him and expressed I needed at least time to understand what was happening with me, and he proposed we got a divorce. I’m divorced now, and have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 1 and a half years now. Just writing this to you makes me realize how life happens, and we survive one day at a time. My transition was not smooth and it was very lonely, but I’m in a much better place now. Sending you much love and thoughts!
I just want to give you a big hug and cry with you. I’m a LBL, 33, and dealing with a pending divorce as well. I’m doing this alone with a child. It’s so hard. But you are not alone and I think the more you learn about yourself the happier you will be.
Thank you for sharing your story - I'm also a part of that subreddit, I'm only 26 but I've been going through a similar thing (breakup with my best friend, repressed by comp het lol) and hearing other peoples stories always makes me feel so much better. SO much of your video is relatable omg. I'm so proud of you and you should be so proud of yourself and I'm excited for this new chapter of your life to begin for you
Thank you for posting this. I'm in a very similar situation and so appreciate people willing to share their stories. It's such a hard, complicated, sad, confusing situation. The LBL subreddit has been very helpful, along with a podcast called The Lesbian Chronicles and a facebook group that I found through that. Subscribing and wishing you all the best. ❤️
A lot of lesbians get on better with guys rather than girls, I certainly did.
Edit... I've only just found your channel (going to binge watch it) I hope things are getting a bit better now
Hey! I'm on almost the same journey as you, an also a biomedical engineer.. I feel you girl u.u
Wth I am a mechanical engineer with hopes on getting a master's in biomedical engineering and also a late bloomer lesbian... I'm starting to see a trend here haha
Everyone’s journey is different and no less valuable. No one can determine yours but you. Know that for every person who challenges yours, there is somebody like me who admires you for starting it and supports it wholeheartedly. You are going to enjoy yours very much even with all the complexities. I’m glad you are allowing yourself this opportunity finally.
I had a similar problem, but also not.
I was 23, in a long term relationship with my ex and we weren't married (yet. we were talking about marriage down the line and stuff) I knew I liked girls when I was 10 or 11 and due to bullying I made up crushes. And the part that hit me with you was the way how you said, you got it all mixed up and I was also very "boy crazy" and had a lot of boyfriends back to back and it never really worked out. The moment I realised it once I had a very homophobic environment and I chickened out again due to manipulation.
But yeah in the end and after two long term relationships with men and some therapy I accepted the way I am (kinda, still took me a little). And what can I say, it has been 3 years now, I had my first wonderful and wholesome relationship, which ended in a heartbreak I never thought I would have this hard. I still have my last ex boyfriend in my life, he has been SO incredibly supportive.
The first time is especially hard. But it doesn't compare to the happiness I felt after I felt like I am myself after years and years of bottling it up.
It is a very confusing time since you have to get to know yourself again. But the relief of suddenly knowing yourself is... the best.
Comp het and religious conversion therapy destroyed my life and the lives of my while immediate family. I feel so lonely often after coming out now what will be 5 years in November.
Thats so hard... But you still have time and life to enjoy!
Thank you for this voice, even though I have been aware of myself since I was 12 years old and I consciously chose the path of being true to myself and I have been doing these little daily coming outs for years - such voices are very important and I appreciate them. Because they prove that being gay is not "choosing a comfortable path because you don't want to try for a man" but we are born with it and that's it :)
Well done Cindy. It took me much longer to comes to terms with being gay (I’m 54 and started the full on acceptance part at 45). I was married briefly to a woman that I had no attraction to and it ended up being the worst and most painful time of both our lives. Now I’m married to a man that I love dearly with our one year anniversary coming up in November 2020. Thank you for your transparency and congrats on all your subscribers of which I am now one. 🌈☮️
Cindy... You are my new hero. I am 46 years old and... You story is very similar to mine. I was married for almost 20 years before I let myself even begin to be honest with myself regarding my sexuality... It has been a long 2 years.. BUT I am losing the shame and loving myself, my whole self... Thank you for sharing! 🏳️🌈💙💙
I also came to the realization that I am almost completely gay, and the only reason I say almost is because I am still romantically attracted to men. I have been married for 8 years and we have three kids. It is a little disturbing to me to think that maybe staying in my marriage is stuffing down a dream of something I can never have, but honestly, I was and still am connected to my husband emotionally and mentally so I figure this is probably the most important part of a relationship anyway. I’m not sure if I would stay if we didn’t have kids. I think it would be great to explore if I could have romantic feelings for a women, because I do think this is something I suppressed. Like you said, being heterosexual is kind of expected of you. I also grew up in a religion that said being gay was a sin. 😞 Here’s to your journey and I really hope that you find what you are looking for and what you need.
i heard there’s romantic and sexual attraction so you could be attracted to men romantically but not sexually and that’s totally normal! I’d suggest looking into it I personally don’t know much about it so that’s all i can offer. Sexuality is a confusing thing.
Whether or not you are attracted to your husband, you can choose to love him and your children everyday. That is beautiful! Plenty of marriages break up because people don't "feel in love" anymore, but love is an action. Choosing to do what's best for your family is true love. If you were to choose what made you "feel good" that feeling would be fleeting. You're work as a wife and mother is important. You can still choose to grow as a couple. You've got this! You are amazing!
aflojo Thank you, that is very encouraging. I am committed to my husband and children and your right it is a choice to love even when you don’t feel like it. I won’t ever give up on my family.
@@Tanya1987 could you ask your husband if it’s okay if you bring a women into the bedroom ? Sometimes fantasy and reality are two very different things .
@@Tanya1987 you have guts. Good on you
This speaks to me. I’m in a similar position. I’ve lived my life as hetero as possible. I’ve suppressed my “gay side”. I’m gay. It feels good to say it and be myself.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. You are incredibly brave and strong to finally be true with yourself after so long. Comp het is something that always messed with me even before I knew the term. I also went my whole life believing I was straight and having no trace of the thought that I could be gay. In college I became best friends with this girl we started “experimenting” (I guess you could call it that?) and we fell completely in love. We even used the words I love you. We were still completely blinded. I even asked one of my other friends why it feels like meh to kiss boys but exploding fireworks to kiss her and we decided on some reasoning that kept my straightness in check. I really thought that we just shared a special bond… She even started dating a guy in the middle of it all bc as far as we were concerned, nothing was happening between us. I felt extremely bitter and jealous but forced myself to feel happy for my “friend”. It still took me a full year to entertain the idea that I could be gay and maybe I liked her. During this time her relationship ended and I couldn’t help but get up on that. We’ve been together 6 years and got married last month! But I used to wonder if I would have figured out that I was gay if that blaringly obvious situation didn’t happen. Even during (and for a while after) there was nothing in my mind pointing to the fact that this was all pretty gay. It makes me so sad thinking about all the people out there who must also be suffering from comp het and just have zero idea. Sharing stories like yours is so essential. Thank you again.
Six minutes in - anyone else go “OK... she is really gay”. Gushing about a girl, lol
Best of luck on your journey, Cindy... Your story is moving, and whenever I hear a story like this, I always consider how, if events in my life had happened just slightly differently, I might very well have been in a similar situation to yours, just sleepwalking through a comp-het life.
I’m in my 40s now, and have been happily married to the same woman for ~20 years, but prior to age 21, I had agonizing crush after crush on girls, (for me, almost always older, conveniently unattainable women, actually, such as teachers). I always explained away my borderline obsessive/stalker-like behaviors by saying to myself that I just idolized them so much and wanted to *be* them, whilst playing the “I’m too serious about my studies and extracurriculars, and too much of a ‘good Catholic girl’ to spend any time dating guys” role around my friends. Even through most of college, I kept this up - I just thought of myself as very serious about school, and not some silly doe-eyed girl who would drop everything for a guy, (but ask me how many times I’d drop everything for a girl I liked). But yeah, I always sort of assumed that, once I finished school and started working, I’d finally start taking some guys up on their requests when they’d ask me out... Also worth mentioning here - I would have a recurring nightmare, (like, from grade school on, but with increasing frequency as I got older), that a hulking shadow creature was chasing me, and I could never quite make it out, but I sure didn’t want to stop to see it any closer, so I would just run and run... and then wake up with my heart pounding, not knowing what it meant or why I kept having the dream.
Then when I was 21, a girl, (much more attainable this time, age-wise), from the West Coast started working at my place of employment, and I was smitten once again, following her around like a little puppy dog, secretly doing some of her work for her, hanging on every word she said, (basically, repeating a now well-worn pattern), while explaining my behavior to myself as just me, a midwestern girl, being enthralled by this much more hip West Coast/Cali girl.... Then one day, after she’d been working there for a few months, I overheard a conversation a couple guys were having about this same person being gay - that she was only into girls, and so, even though she was single, she had turned him down when he asked her out.... and it was like the world went into slow motion for several minutes for me as I processed this information... I still remember it so vividly, but what came out at the other end was, first, “Wait, a girl that pretty and feminine can be gay??,” followed by, “Wait.... like, I might have a chance with her??...” Now, while the answer to *that* question was a resounding No, (dude, I got shot down hard, but mostly because she was already interested in someone else), the experience was 🤯- It was like I had been living with a piece of my puzzle missing up to that point, or like the show I’d been starring in, my life, had been in black and white, and suddenly the color came rushing in. And then I could never look back... I immediately began to seek out books and movies, and whatever else I could find to help me understand, (there’s SO much more available now - I had to search for what little there was in independent bookstores and art film houses, with no internet)... and I came out pretty quickly to my friends and (most) family, even though some of the family stuff was hard.
I knew I couldn’t live one more second as not my authentic self, and have never had any hesitation or doubt that I did the right thing, that I am valid, and that I am celebrating God’s work in making us all so diverse and beautiful by loving myself as I am. And that nightmare that I mentioned? - Never visited me again once I figured myself out. I genuinely hope that your process of self-discovery and starting over, though it may at times be bumpy, (I still have bumps with my parents 🤷🏼♀️), will lead you to a place of joy and self-fulfillment, where you are happy in your own skin, as it did for me. 💜
I can't tell you how badly I needed this, you're so right, representation meters so much.
Wow. You are very brave for living into your full truth! That is something that a lot of people either don't realize or ignore their whole lives. I'm grateful I came across your video! Peace to you :)
Thank you for sharing your story. I came out when I was 25, I had a similar experience of denial due to lack of representation and fear. However I never dated men and just thought I would be single forever.
Anyways, it’s been about 2 years since I came out and a lot of personal growth, but I finally feel confident in who I am.
I HIGHLY recommend a book called Untamed by Glennon Doyle, she also came out after years of hetero marriage and the book is a documentation of her journey. It’s incredibly powerful.
I wish you all the best on you journey ❤️
What you said here at 9:30 really resonates with me i remember a lot of the gay romance book I use to read when I was 13-15 was always so dark and gloomy they rarely had a happy ending and drug abuse was alway in the plot so being young and impressionable I thought that was what happens if you are gay- that you'd live a miserable life but as I have grown older I've realised that gay doesn't equate misery because I'm gay and my life isn't miserable so obviously those book were written to discourage young gay children from exploring themselves. (It was wattpad books that I read) I hope that others are able to realise that those books don't have our best interests in heart.
Be kind to yourself. It's confusing, empowering, exciting, and not logical (thus be kind with yourself). Taking a leap of faith is scary... learning to listen to yourself is big. "When you come to the end of all the light you know, and it's time to step into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things shall happen: either you will be given something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly." Edward Teller thank you for sharing.
Solidarity, sweetheart! I'm SO proud of you!! 38 here going through many of the same emotions and experiences. You're not alone. We're out here!!
Damn, what a journey!! Can't imagine how hard it must have been for you. I'm still young, never been in any relationship, but comphet already screwed me up very badly. I'm almost sure I'm a lesbian, but any affection or just general kindness from boys I'm don't even actually talk to me makes me think that I'm just confused and am actually straight (not bisexual, but straight). Can't imagine living a whole life (with marriage and stuff) struggling with comphet, cuz I know it can only get worse. That masterdoc saved so many people lives, honestly. I'm so glad it exists and I was born in a more accepting society (though we still have a looong road ahead). You're very very inspiring and I wish you only the best from now on. You did the right choice. Be happy. I was really touched by you and your video, keep going.
Do you get that panicky feeling that you wasted your life? Cause I get that. Where I feel like I realized too late...
Sorry for the strife in your life. It’s amazing that you chose to be brave and authentic despite that strife. I hope for better days ahead for you. The angry, hurtful voices might be loud, but love conquers all.
Girl I feel you, 3 years ago I told everyone I was bi but i felt ashamed and grossed out with myself ....now in 2020 I feel like I have suppressed the feelings, this will be sad but I keep trying to fake it that I like men and I will marry one because I know my family will accept it, I’m not saying I don’t like men I like both...but I’ll never be with a woman and I’ll always wonder...thank you so much for the subreddit, seeing this helps me so much thank you
I'm coming to this video 2 months' later, but genuinely wishing you well on your journey of self discovery. Please trust that you did the right thing for you and your ex. When you feel that heart thump for the real love of your life, you'll be so grateful you opened yourself up to being your true, authentic self. My husband went thru the same experience as you, and we've been happily married now for nearly 2 years. Be kind to yourself right now, and give yourself time and the mental space to get through this. Clarity regarding all other life paths and choices will come.
The only choice with being gay is choosing to accept and embrace who you really are.
Wow, thank you for sharing this. I am at the similar stage you were in when you identified as bi because not all the things in the master doc applied to you... I left it at that and haven't returned to the subreddit, and I think bi is the right label for me because I am fairly certain I experience genuine attraction to men, but I'm not fully sure because pretty much every relationship I've been in has been because I was aware the guy was into me. I think there might only be one exception and it is unfortunately not my current boyfriend... so I think I need therapy to continue working through this for me.
I feel like I understand what you're talking about with representation in the media... you aren't saying that you didn't know lesbians were a thing, but you didn't know someone like you, with a religious upbringing, could be gay and be happy/find love and acceptance. We need more of those stories being shared in the media because I know I was attracted to a female friend at a young age and had what I now identify as crushes on women, but even though I knew lesbians (a friend my age and a couple my aunt was friends with), I never really felt like I was allowed to be one based on my upbringing in a church that didn't openly bash the LGBT community, but also didn't openly welcome them, either...
Anyway, thanks again for sharing your story. I'm sure this will help others who might be in the same boat trying to figure themselves out, or those who feel and are going through the same thing feel less alone.
You have gone through exactly what i am now you described my gay journey throughout life perfectly i cant believe someone has had almost exactly the same journey as me we even look alike when im ready too i will send this video to the people i love thank you so much this has made a BIG difference to my life all the best xxx
Are you gay? R u married to a woman?
Wishing you well in your new life and moving on not living your real self . To hell with others opinions about what and how you should think and be as live is very short and you anyone are responsible for directing your direction of happiness . Offering a little love and hope for your continued happiness. ❤
Love what you said about context and representation in media this is a big reason why I didn’t know I was transgender until I was 24-25. I Wish the best for you my sister in-laws mother just came out as a lesbian after being married for over 30 years.
My mom spent most of her life "fitting" herself into being heterosexual when in reality her whole life she was gay. She grew up in the time where being gay was super hush-hush and not super represented. She did explore before she had me with my dad and marrying him but because of the social constructs of the time she didn't allow herself to be who she was. All of this I didn't know until later even after coming out to her as bisexual myself. My mom and I came out to each other actually... after that she started seeing women. In 2015, she married her wife. I'm proud of my mom for following the path in her life that has made her the happiest. It was a rough path to get to where she is now. In all of this, I'm trying to say is.. it may be SUPER hard now but in the end it's worth it.
I may not be gay.. but the struggle to accept yourself when other people around you disapprove... It just hurts my heart because I relate to that right now
Thank you Cindy for being so strong and sharing your story! I can relate, I’m in an extremely similar situation and it’s not easy. Hearing your story was the first time I’ve actually heard a story so close to my own. I must say it is very comforting to actually feel like I’m not alone. I cannot wait to go listen to the rest of your videos rn!