Are They Avoidant ? Or Are They Just Not Into You?
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- Опубліковано 8 лип 2024
- Are they avoidant or just not into you? Do you want to know how to tell the difference between avoidant attachment and someone who is just not that into relationships due to their personality and someone who just isn't that into you? It can be very difficult to tell the difference between someone's disinterest and their emotional avoidance behaviors. In this video, we discuss these two situations, how to distinguish between them, and how they can be similar.
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First ten minutes were good, but the last five seem to be the most important.
So spot on. Had an avoidant girl return into my life 1 year after no contact. She was definitely interested but avoidant. But there’s another girl who is a total mystery. Insecure attachment is avoidant as well. Why choose someone not choosing you? Why choose someone who can’t give you what you need? Because I was avoiding true intimacy
Anxious and avoidant seem to be two sides of the same coin. Anxious seem to go for avoidant instead of secure... Why? Because they know they won't give them true intimacy. It's also avoidant in a weird way.
Things were way more easier, or simpler before the internet. We used to label the dumpers as "selfish aholes" and move on faster. Now, we try to understand them 😂
To us, they are selfish and disrespectful. To them and observers , they are poor kids who are so scared and overwhelmed by life.
Now that I rethink of it, avoidant is actually emotionally manipulative. There might be something real for younger avoidant, but for the older ones, they are so spoiled by people chasing after them and they got used to it. They become a real asshole
@@brookelight2090 the question is, why are people chasing after them? If they knew thier REAL worth, they'd leave them where they're at. That's something to think about too nah?
Lol
They're still selfish assh*les and beyond that extremely manipulate game-players who will never acknowledge their own bs.
After watching the coaches in many videos, they hardly state the obvious! Who the hell would WANT a relationship with an avoidant??? It’s like wanting sympathy from a sociopath. Unless you want disappointment, or no fulfillment, learn to identify avoidants and AVOID them. They are not worth a sensitive person’s time, it’s like buying a car without seatbelts, air conditioning, or a radio. Who wants a car like that?
Coach Craig, I am personally testifying that what you say about no contact and building your own security is the most effective way. I was with highly dismissive avoidant and probably borderline- it was due to my association with him that I ended up on your channel two years ago. I did some workbooks too. I hoped and prayed for him to come and finally out of my own self respect, I slammed him for poor treatment and walked away. I was damn sure he would never ever contact. I moved on to a point of indifference … and just now, after a year! He texted! And he was the most stubborn, rude person one can be. And you were right he approached me indirectly-- he shared some stupid bill of a taxi meter from another country and said sorry I shared by mistake. I know very well it was no mistake. I am so done with him though I would think of him often in the terms of that your principle of no contact will never work on him. He is one example and it did! I only replied back “no problem “ and feeling vindicated. I don’t want him back but to all those who fear and worry - just work on your security and Coach Craig advice does work!
Yeah. Avoidant will come back after a very long time, even when you completely lose interest. With this huge amount of time, other attachment style would not come back. Simply because there is no point. But avoidant don’t have the same sense as the rest of us do.
Also, they expect us to give them a warm welcome after this extremely long time. The irony is that when we didn’t, they felt hurt and blame everything on us. When we did welcome them warmly, not even excessively warm, they run away again.
@@brookelight2090 This! Mine texted last week after 7 months…
Them not putting the effort becoming not attractive is the key word. Thanks Victoria
Golden!! Been following you all for about 8-9 months now and this one really drives it home. Ultimately, "are you happy regardless of an attachment style OR are they uninterested!? It's the same result if they act like they have no idea what your concerns are!? Poor communication, no communication, emotional drama, neglect. Just choose you and live your life. Their loss may or may not be felt later but it does not effect your deserved happiness.
I think with an avoidant it’s more clear when they LOSE interest vs if they ARE interested. But the other attachment types it’s more confusing when they lose interest because they fear abandonment or want the benefits
I agree. You will know an avoidant attacher is uninterested because they will flat out leave you. No ifs ands or buts. They will break up with you period. Unless there was some sort of detrimental act or behavior which ruined the relationship I would say most (not all) relationships end because the dumper is no longer interested or has a much higher interest in another option. That’s the sad reality of it.
Great content! Thank you for this video ! It's almost been 3 years for me being in an avoidant attachment style boyfriend. I'm a secure attachment style and wow has it been a roller-coaster relationship. I'm learning a lot about attachment style and working always on my relationship! Thanks for helping people that go through this with their partners.
This absolutely resonated with me at this exact moment… with everything going on in the world and a death in the family I did reached out , long story short said how I felt and these things need to be said while you are still her and knew he would not respond…he is an avoidant that has been able to open up however when strong emotions get involved runs away … after 8 years of this and doing a lot of growing up in the last 5 months since apparently whatever I said hurt him and triggered something that I still can’t seem to understand but it’s time for me … despite what I have put up with but understand now it never had anything to do with me and he has a lot of inside work to do as well as I do… it’s a painful growth but you have to accept you will always love the person even if you move on but will feel different… looking for the day I will not feel pain for him anymore and be only a memory because he may never change , need to accept that truth…
Great video!! I've been thinking about this since our split. It doedn't matter, what really is important is me trying to make the best of me and make myself happy.
The back and forth is draining. But in the end, you are made to feel stupid even when you felt like you could see them warming up to you. No pressure either. Just trying to move at their pace and hope to God that they see you’re not trying to pressure them into anything other than coming to them when your best intentions. Fun. Easy. Still doesn’t work. Sometime they just aren’t capable. It’s sad. Cause they shit on the wrong people 😞. Always choose yourself FIRST! ❤️
You are so right. My bf just dumped me for the 4th time in 6 months. I have emotional intelligence and better coping skills. He always gets rid of the one person who was there for him outside his family. So I don’t know if I can do this again. He’ll be back. He always does come back. But totally avoidant type
@@justinmeader YES!! BUT DAMN!!! Can y'all ease the pain just a little? I was abruptly cut off. Magnified the pain so much more.
@@cpateddy3459 and its like, are yall tired of it? cause we are drained!
@@damiyapeebles3242 but why does he do this? And then like I love you?
@@cpateddy3459 I wish they could understand what it felt like. We literally come in peace, doing the best we can and still get left behind😞
Great video!! ❤️❤️ Thank you so much! It’s so hard to tell the difference
So so true. I was and still am like Sherlock Holmes and try to understand every little thing. Where as happiness and true meaning of the relationship is lost...
Perfect video! Right on time!!!
IT DOESN'T MATTER. What matters is if they can or want to meet your needs. That's all.
Beautiful thank you i needed to hear this ....
Wow i needed this today
With an avoidant, relationship might work if the avoidant is an Women, and the pursuer is a guy. Because guy’s role is to chase, to provide platform for relationships to develop and it is sexy as a men to pursue. However, relationship is extremely difficult for a guy to be an avoidant. And he runs away whenever feelings are closer. For a woman to pursue relationship once the avoidant guy runs away is not attractive, which takes away guy’s responsibility as a provider. In the long run, the avoidant guy just so so spoiled to not provide material emotional stability.
Pursuing women are sexy... Avoidant woman is precisely the worse option :) as women are the emotional hub of the couple, if the woman is distant and cold... together with a mannish, severe guy... what could it be... nothing good. If in contrast avoidant woman is with a guy who is warm and family-oriented... it is also a problem, as roles and gender archetypes are totally switched, and it's hard for it to work. VS avoidant guy, is just a guy that is more mannish, more aloof... a couple with him might work perfectly well, just let him go off to his mannish hobbies... if he needs space.
@@marcinbenedek789 it is deeper than that, Marcin, in a healthy adult relationship is normal to have space, to do your own thing, to breathe .
An avoidant men is like talking to the wall. A warm woman can't make up for his lack, she will break herself pleasing, chasing , getting nowhere.
No emotion, no connection, no depth, only sex, a woman needs more than that.
@@andreamagyar5541 that’s right. Avoidant would use sex to make up for the emotional lack. But this only work when the avoidant is a woman, because guys would be satisfied by sex without any long term commitment . On the other hand, if the avoidant is a guy, by using sex to make up for emotional lack is completely wrong. Women wouldn’t feel satisfied by just sex and are seeking consistency, but not on and off pattern
I respectfully disagree with you on this. A man who respects himself and sees his own true worth won’t want to stomach having to chase what can never be caught.
Just take things slow and time will reveal exactly what they are and how they will be. Might take a couple months but trust me, it will be evident. Show them how you want to be treated by setting boundaries. Then watch their response. A secure person will want you to be comfortable and safe. They will hear what you say.
when things are at their best, going great, there is the fear that it is all downhill from here and the pressure, burden, and certainty that there is no way to keep it up, and it's bound to fail once they get to know the real you, it's debilitating and exhausting when you feel you have to live up to expectations of an ideal you (that you may have created in your own head)
He laughed when I mentioned ppl have therapy for childhood abuse & might be worth exploring. That was the moment it was decided to move on as things were never going to progress
Mine laughed and said he doesn’t have trauma (he had the worst trauma imaginable)
@@asher6047 I have compassion for them and same time we have to respect ourselves too. If they are looking to get help then kudos to them and others can get there to support the journey our of love and care for them however if they don't want to heal from trauma and nit get professional help and live in denial, then always going to cause upset/anger/frustration in partnership because trauma will come up again and again causing both pain
@@user-pk5pl7ox1e That's exactly how I feel!
There’s plenty of videos on how the anxious attachment can work on themselves. What can the avoidant do to work on their selves??
We have videos on it. We have a tremendous amount of in depth material and exercises in the Creative Healing Course!
This video is a LIFESAVER. I couldn't understand why he invested soo much time, caring, help, and loving words. But when I traveled to visit (long distance rel) he would avoid intimacy!! And then go stronger again. Right when I felt he was falling in love. Thanks again to both of you. I tend to attract avoidants, do you have a suggestion for healing from this? 🤗🙏
Have u checked out my Creative Healing Course?
@@CoachCraigKenneth I haven't, but will. Thank you for everything you do!
Idk why this video popped up but I watched it and it brought me back to the days that I found Coach Craig (I think before Margaret was even on the show).
It was years ago and I was with a DA personality type. I was an anxious, desperate mess and would have done anything to get my ex back.
Craig helped so much. I did what he said and even though it seemed hopeless because I had done everything wrong after the break up not to mention my ex was a DA, but he actually came back and was begging for a second chance, to multiple surprise. By then Craig had helped me grow so much I wasn't interested any longer.
I've had a few hiccups along the way but keep remembering and doing what Craig suggests and with each one I only become more healed and whole. I'm not 100% healed but so much better than where I started.
Watching this video I'm seeing just how much I've grown over the years, from anxiously attached to more secure with anxious tendencies but now I see them and I can curb them quite easily.
I guess my point is to thank Craig and also to say that change is possible. Growth is possible. And people change and your ex can change too. But the most important thing is that YOUR relationship with you is most important. I think if there is anything to take away from Craig is that you really can't go wrong if you just focus on you and take these hardships as an opportunity to grow into a greater version of you.
First! Good advice as usual Craig & Victoria 👍
Thank you for the video coach Craig and coach Victoria! I was wondering if you could do a video on how to re-attract a disorganized or fearful-avoidant. My fearful-avoidant ex and I (a dismissive-avoidant) had been together for 2.5 years. We were always able to help each other through the worst of times, celebrate the best of times, and had discussed marriage and kids many times. Unfortunately, I messed up starting a month ago, when I stopped working on the relationship and started pulling away to escape life's stresses through the use of excessive video games. She pulled away as well and started sleeping and reading a lot more. This went on for about three months before she ended the relationship. I was able to stay calm and told her that I respect her decision and that I would always look back fondly on the amazing memories that we had created together. She had been discussing the situation with her sister (who for the first year and a half of the relationship didn't like me) and pulled out a folder with the lease agreement for our apartment, and a list of other apartments that they had looked into for me. She said that she still loved me but was no longer in love with me, she said that she didn't want to leave me high and dry, so she would pay for half of the rent for the next month (which she did) so that I would have time to sort out my situation. After our short discussion, she offered to sleep on the couch, I told her that it wasn't necessary, and she held me one last time throughout that night. The next day, she packed up her necessities and moved out while I was at work. I had watched a few videos from other channels, so I knew to give her some space, so I didn't contact her for the first few days. I now know that I took the wrong advice, because less than a week after the breakup, I wrote what this other channel calls "the Accountability letter" (a letter that basically apologizes for how I treated her but doesn't beg or plead) and left it on the table for her to see when she came back to pack more of her belongings. She took the letter but hasn't mentioned it since. After that, I found your channel and have learned a ton! I love that none of it is manipulative or shady, so I started working on the workbooks. I'm about halfway through the first one, and have honestly been impressed! (I know you get this a lot) I was amazed at how many situations I had repressed and it's taking a lot of work to recall them. It's now been 2.5 weeks since the breakup, and I haven't reached out to her. She reaches out to me every few days regarding settling bills and I reply with the bare minimum as to not start a conversation. I did a lot of deep reflection after my 3 days of deep depression and not eating anything, and to this day still believe that she's the one for me. As much as it hurts every time I go to bed, I can't help but thank her for giving me a kick in the pants to wake up and get myself together. I have made it my new goal to watch all 1,000+ of your videos, finish workbooks 1-5 so that I can start 6-10 and once I can get my finances back in order, would like to schedule a Skype coaching session. I guess I'm writing all of this to feel a little less hopeless with ever reuniting, and would love to see a video on how to retract a fearful-avoidant, even though I know that they only make up about 3% of the population. Thank you again for everything that you all do!
Where’s Margaret??
I made some mistakes with my ex and I admitted all my flaws and got help, but sometimes people don't wanna admit they are in the wrong too, it takes two people to make a relationship and if you are feeling it was all your fault it isn't, after two months of breaking up I asked why she hated me so much as she would tell me she did, she gave me a big text on all the things I did wrong, not one thing did she say she done wrong too, so after reading the text she even hated me for breaking the bin, I read it and was you know what I don't deserve this, as much as i love her and her kid, I can't carry on feeling the way I did, I just said to myself we haven't talked for over a month and this is what you think of me, and just left it was a message saying what I had to say. She still hasn't opened it but sometimes people its best to just walk away and if you are meant to be they will come back, and if not then I know our love wasn't what I fault it was. It hurts but have some pride and strength to say you know what I tried and you didn't wanna listen, it kills but time is our friend don't rush if its meant to be it will be, anyone struggling please reach out and talk about it feels so much better when you don't feel alone x
Any updates? And samething happening to me she reached out after 6 weeks of NC telling me she misses me but doesn't love me. I said ok. Now I week later talking a lil I asked if she sees anything wrong with her actions during the break up she says no smh I said how about we do couples therapy? She says no and I'm here feeling like I'm basically walking on eggshells and I'm the one doing all the work. I'm really rethinking this whole think. I do love her but at what cost? She's confused and she doesnt with want to fix it the right way.
@johnnycalderon9951 we never got back together or spoke, but after couple months I didn't want to. because if she didn't wanna make it work then what's the point In having contact, I would say to her what you want and if she isn't feeling the same then just say okay and move on, she will miss you they all do,but her saying she doesn't love you anymore should say it all bro,imo I would move on try meet new people and if she really wanted you back she would make it clear, there's no point in texting meeting up if it's always you thats doing the work.
There are some beliefs that we choose our parents, country and gender to give us the opportunity to unblock our negative beliefs so that we do not carry them onto the next life
Everytime this avoidant leaves me hanging with no communication, he is happy when I reach out. Why can’t he communicate what his problem is? When he is activated he is like a peacock and wants to the be best. He wants to be my hero if I have an emergency, he wants to be there to talk and be there for me emotionally but can’t open up to me.
What if they say they're open to a relationship with me, follow it up by pretty aligned actions, at one point even ask for it but then suddenly never talk about it again? And then go to just calling it friends with benefits while at the same time giving monogamy, paying for everything etc? Is he an avoidant who suddenly deactivated?
The dismissive avoidant shoe fits in literally every way, emotionally cooled off, lowish display of empathy (which he still has), low physical affection which he only did to please me, never had a gf, claims to have never been in love
Can an avoidant learn trust over time?
Craig! I am really troubled and i am loosing a lot of hope. Its been almost a year after we broke up. Initially two months I made lots of mistakes crying and begging and asking her to stay. Then I found some sane advice in form of your channel. I went into no contact. She started contacting me, but in a very strange way. She kept messaging me about something in her life and blaming me for it, although I had nothing to do with that. I was broken each time she blamed me for something. I made some mistakes in the relationship but I realised them and I have been trying to improve ever since. Then after saying some nasty words one day and meeting me, she apologized the next day and for the next month or so she kept contacting me like she used to while we were in a relationship. She did a lot for me during that time as well. Now I wonder was it just to maintain a good face or just to be friends with me. And I don't know suddenly she in mid February she started acting strange again... She deleted my number... And even told me that in future she could date whomever she wants and I could also do the same. I have been heart broken because I love her. I really do and ever since we broke up I have been hoping for that second chance to show how much I have changed and how much I love her. I can't lie to myself. I miss her a lot and I am not okay. I don't know what she wants and I don't know whether she will ever consider me at all. Please help me Craig. I wish I could afford your calls. I need them big time.
Sorry you are going through this. She sounds like a very complicated person and also thinking of herself rather than you. My experience has shown me that if someone wants to be with you then they would find a way and they wouldn’t complicate things or do anything purposely to cause you pain. That sucks when you love them but love should not be so very hard or complicated.
@@truthonwheels8652 thank you
I think dismissive avoidant types are not interested no what they say.
Hi awesome coaches! For the avoidant person in this video, if everything was going well for the 4 months we were together , before the break up, would NC be the best way to go about re-attracting? She told me she loved me then a week later broke up.
No contact would reattract her( probably for short amount of time) but do you want to go over this again and again? Healthy relationship is equal given and take. If the avoidant kept on running away from you, would you want that?
@@brookelight2090 thank you so much for the input Brooke, now that I understand this attachment Style there are things that I could possibly do to make this work, I have never had this chemistry or connection with anyone and she also stated the same, we spent a lot of time together and at no point did she ever say she needed space, had she said so I would have given her the space. I understand it was only 4 months but I've never had this kind of 4 months with anyone in my life and I am 48. I wouldn't be able to go through my life asking what if, if I didn't give this a chance.
I forgot to add that I would set boundaries this time as I am not able to go through this heartbreak again for my own well-being
@@brookelight2090 Hi Brooke, any thoughts on this, any input would be greatly appreciated: my ex told me a week prior that she loved me for the first time on Feb. 14 . we were together for 4 months. it was mutual and agreed that the chemistry and connection was the best we had ever experienced compared to all our past relationships. I really love this girl!!! there was not one argument between us in those 4 months. I really did my best to take care of her, example: rubbing her feet after her long day at work or taking care of her after covid vaxx.. been in no contact since the day she broke up with me 2/23. has anyone gone thru this? good turn out? I would love to hear from the community... Coach Lee, I haven't found a video on this where everything is going well and they end it? the only negative that happened is that a couple of things were left in my house from a prior ex that I wasn't aware of, a pair of socks and a pack of cigarettes. I am NOT a cheater for the record. the night before she broke up with me, I did get emotional about my relationship with my 16 year old daughter that caused me to tear up the night before the breakup . I am so lost!!! is she confused??? I want her back!
@@mrgaretito74 you are clearly in pain and this is typical in an anxious -avoidant cycle. You feel abandoned and she feels suffocated or scared. They are just not capable of offering you the amount of love you wanted. It’s not she is not interested but she is incapable. It’s like emotionally impotent.
Me and my ex reconciled recently. He was very into me sexually. Bought me flowers, took me out to dinner. Would text me. Then he started to pull away and ended things again because he ultimately doesn’t feel he loves me. I’m still confused as he was showing interest.
“She’s got the pinkish hue!” - costanzaaaa
Can you still get an ex back who talks shit about you on social media and puts the blame on everything about you on why the relationship didn't work? Feels hopeless
I would take a peek inside and try to understand why you would want someone back who treats you like this. Appears to be case of needing a bit more self love and stronger boundaries.
@@rhysthomas839 It was mostly attachment, doing a lot better right now as I worked on myself but those few months were really hard
Yesterday…After 40 Days nc, I messaged my ex hoping she was well and to say i wanted to give her stuff back so we can move on properly (seriously). She said “I’ve been meaning to message but didn’t know how or what to say, I don’t want to just have this cold drop off, id rather see you in person if you’re okay with it?”
We met later on and spent two hours - She told me the whole time she wrote me letters, texts drafted that she didn’t send, she didn’t want the break up, but i didn’t give her the two days space she initially asked for. She was upset i didn’t reach out. Everything - and I mean everything (body language) screamed she wanted to reconcile. She was visibly nervous and shaken, i was strong. At the end I had to run for work, and we hugged and she said bye, I said bye… Is that it? she asked what do you mean, what can i say what do you want me to say? I said nothing, if that’s all you wanted from today all good. She again said i don’t know what to say, i said okay turned off and got in my car and left. After that meeting I actually hoped she’d set another date or at least thank me for dropping her stuff. we both felt it still, the chemistry etc. I’m now more confused than before. Will she reach out again?
Update?
@@mmt2310 you don’t want to know. Hahaha. I’m way better off though. She slept with some of my mates since she found out i’ve been dating. Focus on you!
@Harris Kray Yikes, you deserve better than that! Thank you for the response & advice. ❤️