Dr. Becky Kennedy: The Parenting Secrets That Will Make Your Kids Love You When They're 14 and 40
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- Опубліковано 28 чер 2024
- Shane asks Dr. Becky Kennedy-a clinical psychologist, bestselling author, and mother of three-his most pressing parenting questions. Dr. Becky discusses how to set proper boundaries for your kids, how that differs from making requests, and how you can use the same strategy with your partner. Kennedy also explains teenagers' psychology, why they must stray from their parents, and how we can teach our teens confidence and resilience as they grow up.
Shane and Dr. Kennedy also discuss how we learn to regulate our emotions, how we can recover from blowouts with our kids, why kids will learn to blame themselves, and why it’s important to approach children with curiosity when trying to understand the challenges in their lives. Kennedy also answers questions from Shane’s parenting peers about screen time, competitive sports, and what happens to our relationships with our kids when adolescence ends.
Dubbed the “The Millennial Parenting Whisperer” by TIME Magazine, Dr. Becky Kennedy is the #1 New York Times bestselling author of "Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be." She also hosts “Good Inside with Dr Becky,” the top kids and family show on Apple Podcasts.
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00:00 - Intro
01:50 - Boundaries, defined
09:50 - Learning to speak in boundary language as an adult
17:30 - How to determine whether the relationship with your kid is healthy…or not
25:00 - Building confidence and resiliency in kids
29:09 - Handling Disappointment
29:54 - 3 Specific lines to use to open a conversational door
33:05 - How to handle your kids when they don’t take responsibility for their outcomes
40:20 - How the stories we tell ourselves damage our relationships
44:30 - How can adults learn to regulate their emotions?
54:17 - How to repair a relationship after a huge outburst?
01:09:44 - How to handle someone’s feelings when you don’t agree with what they’re saying
01:20:44 - How to deal with your kids’ screen time habits
01:31:50 - Is it okay to bribe your kids with rewards for good behavior?
01:43:45 - When does adolescence actually end?
01:46:30 - Is the intense environment of competitive sports bad?
01:47:43 - Why do parents wrap so much of our identity in our kids?
01:50:38 - Dr. Becky Kennedy’s definition of success
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Like the mentor you’ve always dreamed of having, The Knowledge Project shares timely yet timeless lessons for work and life. Past guests include Naval Ravikant, Daniel Kahneman, Jim Collins, Angela Duckworth, Seth Godin, Melanie Mitchell, & Esther Perel.
Share your favorite part of the convo below 👇. If you enjoyed this episode, hit the like button on the video! It helps us a lot. 🙏
I thought I was patient, then I had kids. I’ve never been as angry as I’ve been in the first four years of my child’s life. I’ve had to learn more about myself and how I deal with things and likely gave my kid anger issues before I realized I had a problem. I don’t even know where that anger is coming from. Omfg having kids is hard. Being married isn’t that hard, having kids is another world. It’s awesome some days and makes you crazy other days.
Talk to kids on disappointments
1. I am so glad you are talking to me about this.
2. I believe you.
3. Tell me more
Stay quiet
Regulate Emotions (AVP)
1. Acknowledge (Hi FEELING NAME)
2. Validate (it makes sense)
3. Permit (full permission)
Am I good with it?
Basically kids are the authority figures and parents are the subjects
Love this. I am learning. I grew up with screaming, no communication, and lots... lots of anger and resentment and silent treatments. It was toxic.
Same. All the best, to you
One of my children is so defiant and argumentative, but also really sensitive and loyal. It is really hard for me to understand his behavior. He constantly resists, argues, and bargains about daily activities. It is so exhausting, and it is really helpful to hear more than just, "you don't spend enough time/your child doesn't trust you/etc."
I don’t have kids. But these are profound lessons for relationships of all kinds.
Yes! Same here and I'm loving this!
Thank God, I love that this is finally in the collective subconscious. I went to Montessori until 3rd grade and we treated the adults and the kids like they were people. That was really hard by the way and in the 80’s to boot. So, progressive city. I really like the sturdy part here too. So many people think that if we treat people like they are human and deserve respect that we have no rules, or boundaries, or responsibility. I just, we had even more rules, boundaries and responsibilities since we as children were allowed to show up at the table. We were morally responsible for ourselves while allowed to feel our feelings and be our actual selves. I quit a speech grad program When I figured out that they were training kids like well… dogs. I couldn’t do it. My body viscerally responded. Kids should absolutely be treated at least as good as adults and here’s my secret I actually hate working with adults. They seem messed up beyond anything that my training can touch 😂. So, good on you guys for real. But, I always say my parenting looks different, takes longer and doesn’t get approval from peacocking parents, but the kids trust me, they know I’m real, they feel respected and they do more on their own. I also worked in an inner city after school program and with adults with developmental disabilities and now infants. Treat everyone like they are human 1,0000000000 percent. My husband works with families and if it feels wrong it’s wrong and yes we really are this bad at treating humans well and I’m just gonna say this…. I’ve seen so few parents as like ok, I’d let them raise me. Don’t assume we all have it together. We don’t and yes the atheletics, music, grades oh gosh you name it. You have to hold yourself back so so so much to keep them safe…. From you. 😊❤
I love what you're doing so much. Thank you for doing what you do, and being who you are. You're changing lives for the better out here - that's God's work. Much love! 💚
Thanks Shane and Dr Becky for such an amazing episode - I am similar to the 28 year old single man that Becky mentioned, learnt so much about parenting myself, emotional regulation and communication.
My fav part is when Shane made the connection between AVP and how to respond when someone is disappointed - truly a WOW moment
The quote about "kids rather be a sinner in a world full of gods than in a world full of devils" makes so much sense and highlights the importance about how parents should be good at repair.
Also love the part about not being binary with regards to emotions - you don't have to agree/disagree with them, you can just understand them (I believe you) and be curious about them.
Was first introduced to Dr Becky in an episode by Adam Grant and binged on her IG reels subsequently, really blessed to be a fly on the wall for this and looking forward to her convo on the HubermanLab next!
Dr Becky is amazing, the tips on parenting she provides help us grow immensely.
Well, treat them as equals, as much as we parents would. At the same time, be strict and stern whenever we have to. It's always better for us to teach and educate our children instead of letting outsiders or strangers do this job. Time to be disciplined and honour promises must always be done. No excuses will be entertained.
Thank you so much for doing this podcast. I really needed this after the week I've had to center myself again so that I can be the mum I want to be for my child. Thank you so much!
I think it’s always good to be at the crossroads for your children (when they leave for school and when they come home). Some can’t always do this but if you can, it’s a good thing!
Thank you so much for making videos to help others. I know it must be difficult to do this work in addition to other responsibilities in your life. The work that you do has such value for people. You are truly making a positive difference in people's lives. I am grateful for you. Thank you.
Amazing episode! Thanks for this! There are a lot of lessons here… the end is incredible “we produce, not reproduce”… separation of who we are from what we do…
Absolutely informational interview, transformational concepts and easily understood examples !!! Thank you so much ! ❤
That was profound!!Thank you
I loveeee you Becky!!! Thank youuuuuuuu!!!! My spouse and I work with families in the Midwest and I’ve long felt that there was much more to this parenting thing and I’m the weirdest parent around in a gooooooood way. Boundaries, sigh. Kids sometimes get this more intuitively than adults because their haven’t been f’d with yet enough.
This is soooo sooo good! Thank You 😊
A big thank you, very useful.
Wow🎉! What a compassionate wise mentor for us. ❤
Please someone tell me how to set boundaries with my spouse in terms of screen time and electronics .. im so exhausted trying to create room for connection and relationship when i have an avoidant partner ….
I have the same problem 😞
Talk to him. Tell him it hurts. If he doesnt gaf even if he understands, you need to start making threats and demands and stand behind them.. you're probably being bullied in a way that looks like being ignored. First, attempt ways to get out of the house or away from the tv and get talking about life. Plan things and go do them. Dont say if you dont x you dont love me. Say if you dont do x, I am hurt. If somebody isnt responsive to your pain, they are wrong.
I have only just stumbled upon Becky. Wow!!
Wow! What a compassionate wise mentor for us.
And so practical!
Why did you copy this comment?
Expecting in November and I’m taking in all the info I can to be the best mama I can be ❤️❤️
Congratulations! I’m expecting in December and doing the same 🥰
I think it’s amazing you have brought together the differences between these conversations with a spouse and a child. It’s so helpful!
Love all of this but especially that she says why does it have to be anyone's fault. It is always a blame game in my family but no one else seems to see it.
Brilliant woman! 👏
Every parent should watch this video
So good!!!! ❤❤❤❤
1:09:00 Absolutely agree! It irritates me how so many people apologize the 'wrong' way to not take responsibility and to make me feel 'sensitive'
1. I'm sorry YOU FEEL (angry, sad, etc) --- imply I'm too sensitive and it's no big deal.
2. I'm sorry IF I did something to hurt you --- that IF implies they believe they didn't do anything wrong.
3. I'm sorry BUT you made me do it.
You see them hurting, you know what you did. Just say, "I'm sorry I hurt you by ----" without IF or Buts
It's hard to make a balance of keeping your distance and being there for your kids because it also depends on how your kids absorbed and digest he situation.
I have enjoyed the episode and your summary, but both emotion-based ideas and resolutions are so much better explained in a book by Joanna Faber and Julie King - How to talk so kids will listen. This used to be a bestseller on practical parenting a few years ago and I have seen a lot of parallels in solving adult / workplace proglems ever since reading that book. Dr Kennedy has just been better marketed lately ;)
My kid is 15 and hes getting 40/50% in some of his tests...i feel like by saying youre a smart clever kid and clearly got a not so good grade in the test..It may make him think to just carry on as he is and not have an incentive to do better..the grade doesnt reflect his potential and intelligence...It reflects his lack of learning and preparing for the test, then blaming his teachers etc rather than take responsibility
Feel bad cause he has all this time to study and revise and not is then not using It productively..this year didnt write him in for football or surf course/lessons after school cause thought hed then not have enough time to study and keep Up with studies/homework etc with IGCSEs coming Up and everything..now he has all the time feel hes not making use of it and feels like its backfiring...
Super happy for any advice
51:59 ❤️❤️❤️
Superb 3 statements 30:10
1:04:21😮😮😮
1:27:08
ur performance is SPOT ON! 👌🏻😆
Our number one job is to keep our kids safe…hmm…interesting idea to ponder and juxtapose with all the research coming out about the importance of allowing kids to take age appropriate risks and giving them plenty of unsupervised time with other kids. If our number one goal is safety then we’d never let them go and do anything at all.
I take it as safe in terms of I will be my kids rock and safe place for them when they need to sit even in silence but allow them to make mistakes.
“I’m struck by the disturbing nature of your question” 😂
Does anyone have a resource for how to apply this to toddler aged children? I love the concept and I think you can apply this to any relationship at any age, but I’d like some helpful approaches on how I’d reason with a 4 year old since using logic and reasoning isn’t always possible at this age when you’re trying to get them to pick up or do something they don’t want to do. Lol
YES. I NEED THIS TOO
@@m.jillharmon5474 I’m currently listening to another podcast she was on with Dr huberman and it seems to have a few more approach’s for younger kids.
How does this work if you’re starting with a 17 yo who dropped out at 15. Since then, he has only gotten his GED (only because he was taken) and worked a part time job since. I need help because I’m a step mom with very little say or support and I know we haven’t prepared him and I don’t see how we can start now.
Can this work for 8 year olds too.
What would you say if your kid says hey?
Don't tell me to clean my room
I just can't handle it
That's a boundary
I'm just saying hypothetically speaking, if your kids smart enough to be able to recognize this definition and use it against you, what would be the counter to that?
dude, my man, bruh- laziness is not real, and saying it 'triggers' you makes you sound like a dinosaur
but your right about currency, but let me say it more clearly: parents are looking for acceptable forms of *coercion* to use on their kids, and making your relationship 'transactional' w them crosses a line for many. my question is why use coercion at all?
✔️ promo sm
She's like a prophet lmao
She is drawing boundaries but her husband may be enjoying with other people without any boundaries.
Yep, every time I hear any kind of parenting advice, I feel glad that I didn’t have kids. Definitely would have created some broken humans if I had given birth back when I was fertile.
This feels… Quite.. rotten. 😅 No. I get it. Difficult things, I understand, but this doesn’t feel right to me.
I suggest this person to retake her lessons or experience life .
I loved every conversation, but oh Lord, I’m trying to get used to your accent and the way you pronounce out and about.