To everyone who is angry right now - remember this: No matter how bad things get, and no matter how much you're suffering: "This too, shall pass." Everything changes. Absolutely everything.
Wow,I just kinda stumbled on top this and thought I'd give it a watch and wow, very helpful, the Lord puts people in your path for a reason, thanks for this I've just subscribed.
Dr. Christian Conte I'm really in pain because of a person of over aggressive personality. He just gets angry over everything and says things that hurts me so much emotionally and kind of gets abusive too. I dunno how to make him understand that it's just weakening our relation. I get hurt so much that Im not able to get back to normal for so many time. Help me.
I am currently in the final segment of a breakup with my Fiance. She left me. My anger had pushed her away, I lost control. I gave it away. I've been studying several of your videos the last few days, thank you for what you do. The advice through heartbreak is hard to take and to listen to but already some of the techniques you have taught me have already made a small impact on my life. I may never get her back, but maybe one day with enough practice I will be in control of myself. Thank you.
My...paused-fiancé? and I have been going thru the same struggle. I think these videos are great. My partner and I can both be rageful, even violent. I seem to mostly only go to that place of extreme anger when I'm in a relationship with an aggressive man. (My schizophrenic mom brings it out in me too, but it's much easier to stop and apologize with her. She doesn't Go To War with me the way the two men I've tried to be with have. Last year I made some progress but got discouraged when he got Much Worse Despite intensive therapy. Now I'm left to wonder--can too much talking about childhood trauma before you've mastered self control make a client with anger issues Much Worse??!? I know the rational thing would be to break up and stay broken up Butv we seem Actually Incapable of falling out of love or resisting each other...
Yes i think whats crucial is to first take back your life and learn how to control, only then dig deeper into reasons and trauma. We came to this conclusion with my therapist.
I drove my fiancé away too. I’m an agnostic and she’s a Christian and she kept mentioning how I should look into Christianity with her. Instead of being rational with her; I internalized this as “she’s trying to control me. Don’t take that! Stand up for yourself” and so in an angry outburst, I told her to get the fuck out while she was showering at 2 am. I kicked her out in anger as she was crying and followed her around my house as she got her stuff. About 20 minutes later; I had finally calmed down and told her, begged her even, to stay but at that point, I had already done too much damage. That incident made me look into controlling my emotions; a harsh lesson but a necessary one.
A lot of times we don't want to "bother anyone" with our problems - until we realize that we are bothering them with our actions anyway. When I am faced with bothering someone with my actions or bothering a friend by asking for support, I tend to pick asking my friend. More often than not, friends are not actually bothered by us turning to them anyway. If you can, try to seek out a friend or counselor to turn to, even if it's difficult, because none of us needs to face things alone. Much peace
Thankyou!❤️ I found your video today, and will try to remember what you said. I’m living in India, where people cross “normal” boundaries all the time. They have a whole different set of rules over here about what is polite and what isn’t. Whenever we go out in public, complete strangers touch my children, pinch their cheeks roughly, and try to take them against my will, after I’ve said NO. And sometimes they yank my baby a couple times to see who will win the tug of war!!!!!😭😭😭
Have to agree on other videos. Incredibly naive and downright stupid advice is all over youtube ! Incompetent professionals that need to stay out of the way and just stfu !
This video helped me a lot today. I was in a situation I couldn't leave and the person would not stop poking and prodding. Instead of the situation devolving into me yelling and/or crying, I cut the puppet strings and was able to maintain my composure, and the other person was left to be angry to themselves. I did cry when I was alone and ruminated too much afterwards, but that's something I feel like I can keep working on now that I have a base to work from.
I think the way I see it is that there is a difference between understanding and practicing. Most people seem to understand (in theory) how to handle anger, but actually living that out can be tough. I wish you much peace.
Eleven years later and still helping people. My own lack of control got me into this puppet situation where my boss is actively trying to get complaints from my coworkers in order to have reasons to fire me (several of them warned me). Now, without these videos, I would've been offended and resentful toward my boss, but it looks like it has been me the one who lend her the power over my person, so I'm the one to blame. I formerly thought of my temperament as a sign of strength, now I realize it has always been a sign of weakness. Thank you for your wisdom
This is awesome! it made me realize how I was giving away that power everyday and that it is myself the one who needs to be in control. We often blame the other person but it is up to us to take control.
We shared this video at our Celebrate Recovery meeting when someone was sharing on their anger issues and everyone thought it was very helpful. It can be used to relate to giving your power to other things too. Thanks for this insight!
Thank you for positively changing my life. Your puppet/IronMan technique of not giving away your power literally saved me from committing crimes like assault and battery which would have landed me in prison...possibly for life. I don't have a felony record and never want one. I genuinely can't thank you enough.
Thank you for your kind comments. Kate is awesome and I would love to hear from her and how she's doing. Congratulations on your engagement! She can contact me through my website. I wish you two all the best!
I have seen countless videos on this subject and this video really helped me. I saw my anger in a different way. I've been letting other people control me well no more . Great video
This is great advice. The way you present/word the info in the video, has inspired me to control my anger simply out of spite for others 😂 I can’t believe I have been giving up my power all these years.
Same. It's almost like something else inside me completely takes over and I am no longer myself until I come to and see the mess I've created. It's like a monster inside.
When I get angry. I think and I don’t punch any holes in anything. However I do yell. I get impulsive. But I do somehow manage to control it a little. But I don’t enforce anything in anyone: just don’t touch me.
Dr. Conte, I have been suffering from extreme anger issues over the dumbest and most unrealistic things, and again I have you and most importantly my wife for finding this video. I really am tired of overreacting to things that either my daughters 2 & 6 do or my relatives. My wife found this in concern for my health, as I've been afflicted with diabetes from about 16yrs now and stress is definitely not good for anyone's health especially mine. I turn 36 today, and I sincerely wish to change for the sake of beautiful wife and daughters, as they deserve nothing but the best. God bless and thank you again.
Hey Matthew, I'm sorry to hear that you've had to struggle with anger for so long, but I really admire the fact that you are making changes for your family. You're right, your wife and daughters deserve your best, and it's awesome that you are giving that to them. I think it's understandable that we have learned behavioral patterns of accepting that it's okay to lash out of anger, but the great thing is that we really can change. My website has some resources to help you keep up with the changes you're making (and I started posting videos regularly on my youtube channel). I'm sending you and your family all the best. Much peace, Dr. Conte
+Dr. Christian Conte Thanks for the reply and words of encouragement. I will definitely follow up on the website, I wish you were close by so I could personally come and see you as a patient. If ever you're around/in Montreal for anything related to your profession, I'd like to volunteer myself as a person willing to publicly go through your process on your show or otherwise help you promote your help and teachings further. I don't have anything to offer as I don't think I could afford you, but you do more than you can imagine by doing what you do and deserve all the best for you and your family. Much peace to you and yours as well, and I'd love to keep in touch if we can.
Excellent analogy of the puppet and the book to manage your anger, Dr. Conte. While it seems very simple, I am sure practicing it will have its own challenges. I will do my best to visualize the puppet and the book every time I become angry and say things that I wish I had not said. BTW, I also watched several other videos of yours last night. Appreciate posting them all on UA-cam. Thanks a bunch.
Thank you so much Suresh! I appreciate you taking time to watch my videos and express something kind to me. And I believe you are 100% right - understanding these concepts and practicing them can be two very different things - and it's not always easy to practice what we know. The key is consistency and trying, though, and I'm definitely sending you all my best and tons of peace!
You're welcome! Thank you so much for taking time to watch and share this video. Yes, I agree, we tend to give our power away in many instances in life. I wish you all the best. Much peace, Christian
I was a angry person I felt alone and robbed of communication with others I spent years of my life ploting and pushing away people that got in the way of my anger and what upset me or who upset me I put my enemy's that I made from my own poor choices over the people I care about...Loosing friendships along the way I was so disconnected to human interaction and emotional Attachment that all i felt was rage All I had was anger it consumed me I didn't cry for 4 years only shout and break things Once I reached that point I was getting a rush...a high from becoming angry It even changed me sexually I injoyed watching people suffer because of how terrible I felt for years In school I would constantly get in to fights and was always the one who started it I hurt my mother, my brother and myself through all of it But after all of that and realizing who I was i knew I needed to change I started smoking weed Exercising And in general I tried to nature things more And most importantly never shoving my empathy down for anything I feel a lot more now I've worked on myself Don't do the same thing I did Open your heart to love over hate, Hate will solve nothing it only consumes Revenge,anger, and hate will only leave you robbed of hope Robbed of humanity And ultimately turn you in to a monster After not feeling guilty for so long and then waking up to what monster I let manifest I would truly never wish apon any living thing in the mlutiverse I hope someone like me can read this and know what path rage leads you to
Thank you brother. I appreciate you watching the other video, too. It's crazy how much shame, depression, and anxiety can lead to us getting angry without realizing it. Please let me know if I can ever be of help. You can contact me through my website. All the best, Christian
Many times there is a difference between what we say and what we mean. So often, we say mean things when what we really want to express is that we are hurting. I know it can be tough, but if you can learn to express the hurt you are experiencing rather than just reacting out of anger, it can really make a difference in the situation.
Old video still helping people. Thanks Dr. Christian Conte. I have had a problem lashing out with emotion since I was a child and it's got me into a lot of unessacary trouble over the years. I'm 43 now and finally ready to change.
this is so powerful to me!! many videos just say "take a deep breath, count to 10" and it's so not helpful at all! if someone in the moment is angry and you tell them to just take a walk, it seems to be more of an irritant than an aid! but this video puts things into perspective and helps a lot! I'm really struggling with anger, but i think a big change in me just happened! i don't HAVE to struggle! i don't HAVE to give people my power!
Thank you so much for this video back a few years ago I was constantly angry and I looked and acted completely different. At the time I thought it was no big deal until I saw videos of who I was. I never wanted to leave my house because of how angry I was and hated interacting with people out side of my comfort group.
Yes Yes Yes! Thank you for posting on UA-cam! Dr. Conte you are greatly missed! Your techniques are practical and have definitely made a difference in my counseling style.
Dr. Conte, this video is an extremely great visual to let children and parents watch that are struggling with this concept, I can never put it as elequently as you! These are such helpful concepts to teach others that can be resistant to new ideas because they are easy to grasp. I can't wait to share this visual with others!
I think that's a great question and it happens a lot. One way to think about it is this: there's a difference between holding in your emotions and holding onto your power. I think we run into a lot of trouble when we hold in our emotions and allow the little things to build up. When we hold onto our power, however, what we do is not allow others to control us. We tend to feel a little better when we can let out some of the little things before they become big things. Hope this helps
Hi. Thanks for your thoughts. I would encourage you to explore the difference between being assertive (so as not to be a doormat) and being aggressive (ie., exacting revenge). You may find that there are more than just the two options of either being a doormat or getting revenge. Besides, rare is the person anyway who gets hurt and thinks, "Oh, that's how I must have made that other person feel..." Regardless of the lesson they hope to teach us, we usually just end up angry at those who hurt us.
Thank you. I think it's hard sometimes to step back and stop ourselves from making decisions in the heat of the moment that we will regret. It's amazing how empowered we feel when we can take the time to think things through beforehand. The fact that you are taking time to watch videos and learn about what's going on inside you shows that you certainly do have that self control, and you are probably a lot stronger than you know. I wish you much peace.
Hey Dr. Conte. You had my fiancé Kate Allen in high school and she said you changed her life. She's been trying to get in contact with you to reconnect. I have been watching some of your videos due to my family is nuts. And they have helped a great deal. Thank you so much.
I watched this about a week ago and WOW it has made such a difference! Your advice is to the point and easy to remember in those difficult times. Thank you for sharing this knowledge :)
Ohh yes !! Oh wow !! Thankyou very much. This and your video on letting go are so amazing. What a wonderful relief. I can feel anger dissolving after many many years 🙏
True. Which is why I try to teach the concept of just focusing on improving ourselves. We are the only people we can actually change. Thank you for taking the time to comment.
Thanks for posting this video Dr. Conte, it's fantastic! I never thought of anger/frustration issues from the perspective of being a puppet. I've had an extremely late diagnosis of Autism, and had easily enough bullying from people (when a child and as an adult) because they sensed I was somehow vulnerable or an "ideal" one to target (and they got away with it). As a youngster I remember doing a lot of shutting down and caving-in when others took pleasure in pressuring me or manipulating me, and this was all I could do because I was autistic and unaware I had this developmental disorder. Whether I knew about the ASD or not, I ended up with a huge queue of negative events in my mind that were unprocessed when I was older... clearly all this unprocessed stuff had built up and was a recipe for meltdowns. Being unaware I was autistic, I was clearly handing my power over to bullies many years ago, but being autistic I couldn't control it. I suspect my power had already been taken from me (simply because I didn't know I had ASD), and as the special needs specialists in school all failed to detect my ASD, this meant I continued through life being unaware, vulnerable and very confused for decades. For years I was in a no-win situation almost. I now have much unravelling to do, and my diagnosis of Autism has proved a huge relief as I now have a clear explanation regarding why I've experienced all this bullying and had lots of it too. I think I'll always be up against it, as I will always have this slowed ability to process information (in the brain) as the ASD will never go away, but I'm definitely now free of that vicious cycle. I'll keep that puppet in mind - it's clearly a simple idea that can stop the individual sinking down into something horrendous or life-changing. Thank you again.
Hi Dr. Christian Conte I am in the process of taking the training as a mental trainer in Denmark, we work with 32 different mental tools. towards our clients. and our system, is breakthrough. as it is not seen in other parts of the world. I have never seen the techniques you use around anger. and it's really cool. Book and a doll wow think they could be so simple. I am deeply grateful for your video. I have given my book away for many years and then I myself have been a puppet for a good 42 years. I just haven't known how to deal with my inner anger that I have from my past. and here is your tool really good thank you best regards Noa Evans denmark
Loved the video! I'm enrolled in the Marriage and Family therapy program at UNR, suffice to say us students miss you a TON =) Can't wait to see what you put out next, keep up the excellent work!
Dr. Christian Conte has a passion that inspires and reaches his audience on a profound level. His unique teaching style and genuine respect for every individual makes his talks exciting, and life changing. In the graduate coursework I was fortunate enough to have with Dr. Conte, I grew as a student, as a professional, and as a person in ways I never imagined possible. His words have stayed with me as I continue using the knowledge, skills, and techniques he shared. And yeah,more videos please!
I am so glad and thankful I stumbled upon your videos! Your down to Earth sense of conveying your messages is amazing. You have a no-b.s. way of putting things and you're easy to listen to. I hope I can get better at practicing all these techniques and be better especially for my kids. Thank you so much!
This was very very very helpful! Thank you so much. I have a very toxic mother in law who pushes through boundaries and try’s to intimidate me all the time. So I needed. This advice
This is great! Anyone else notice the whiteboard in the background? Words at the surface, meaning underneath. Attention to detail = Intentionality. -love it-
Even though this might sound obvious, I know it's not always easy or even possible: but if you can find someone you trust to turn to when the little things get to you before they become big things, it really can help. Think about a balloon: if we don't let the air out before it gets too big, it can pop. If we let out a little bit of air at a time, however, we can keep it from popping. If you want, feel free to send me an email through my website and I'll try to send you a longer explanation.
To Dr. Christian Conte, For the last 2 days now I have been checking out your videos on You Tube. (by the way I did subscribe to you channel) For as long as I can remember I seem to always have some anger issues in the workplace. In my late 20's I was diagnosed as Borderline personality disorder along with bipolar depression. I try so hard to control my thoughts and anger in the work place but I am having a hard time struggling with that. I see a doctor for my prescriptions for my mental illness. I really like doing the work I do, but I have very hard time dealing with the people I work around. For the last 20 plus years the jobs I used to do I just sat in a cubicle and did data entry work. I did not have to deal with the people I worked with, also I did not have to deal with the public. I liked my other jobs, but I eventually got laid off. The point I am trying to make is because I have to work around the coworkers and mingle with them, I do not seem to know how to deal with this. Do you think people that have a mental illness can get better with your anger management videos and learn how to communicate better with coworkers and their bosses?
Wow! I have listened to a lot of videos in trying to deal with my anger. Now I see clearly with your analogy. Looking forward to start tomorrow!. Will keep you posted. Thanks a mil!
Thank you so much. Please reach out if I can help. I'm also excited to share that my new book Life Lessons is now available on Amazon. Much peace, Christian
I have BPD so anger issues are VERYYY familiar to me. The puppet analogy is so smart because part of my being angry is being SOOO inside myself that I can't escape and become an observer again. The ability to observe myself becomes next to impossible when I become angry most likely as a defense mechanism. Anger is NOT violence or hitting. Anger is very internal, it's so much deeper than being pissed off. I heard from Dr. Phil once that "Anger is hurt, fear, or frustration" and that one line helped me dramatically in my Anger management journey. So when I do get angry, afterward I review what happened and what got me so angry, and trace it down to if I was feeling rejected, or embarrassed or defensive - it's not Anger. It's hurt, fear, or frustration. Finding the deeper emotions beyond my anger has helped me dramatically and I encourage everyone to retrace their steps and go deeper and deeper with the why's because it helps you discover why you are actually presenting so angrily.
Absolutely wonderful, I love the example of giving away our personal power source. Thank you for sharing your wisdom here atUA-cam for the world to gleam.
Thank you Doc! Very intuitive and well thought out strategies laid out so beautifully and simply. Sending positive vibes to you and anyone reading this
I've always had problems with resentments and forgiveness because of the things some people did to me especially the major things. I went to treatment for an addiction problem and I have mental health issues to get sober and in recovery where I had a therapist and a sponsor I did the steps with. My therapist told me that resentments only hurt you, not the other person. You do it for yourself. The steps are all about letting go of bad behaviors, making amends, becoming a better person, and helping others. I had to write down all my resentments, how they affected me, and my part in them. When you see your part you know what to change and make amends if needed. This doesnt apply to every situation though like if you were abused. I also try to understand why people are the way they are and do what they do. Not justifying or condoning their behaviors but we act how we do for a reason. Then it helps have more compassion and pray for them. If they change be happy for them, if not, don't stoop to their level and get revenge, but be the bigger person and be kind. They will get their karma whether from an experience, another person, or God. I wouldn't wish that. It's good to heal and protect yourself.
I remember when I was in 5th grade, a boy kept calling me stupid. It hurt my feelings so bad I took my metal lunch box and hit him over his head . I was sent to the principal's office and punished. I was so embarrassed as a kid . I now have your advice to live by . I thank God for you.
I needed this. Thank you. I am one of many drivers of a forklift in a busy warehouse and the job is stressful and you want to scream at people. Can't do it. You must maintain control. 7-10 times an evening someone is going to make an honest mistake or you are going to make a mistake, and you need to learn how to deal with that because everyone just wants to go home and not have bad blood.
Dr. Conte, Thank you so much for this. I needed this reminder badly. I'm getting ready to embark upon something exciting, but my I had been allowing the anger from a bad experience to take my power. I realize that bad experience doesn't deserve my power. I'm denying myself the opportunity to experience this thing coming up and enjoy the life I have. I'm going to work much harder on this. Again, thank you for this. Have a great week!
Just got into a fight with my mom before this lol, but this vid really could help me with my anger issues.. See, its runs in my family haha, but I'm realising that I don't want to live that way.. So thanks a lot Dr Conte, I'll try to put ur techniques into use, the whole puppet analogy just opened up my whole mind
This was a powerful video for me to listen to years ago when I was going through a hard time and now I'm sharing your info to a friend right now who needs help. Thanks for the amazing video . I feel you compassion and love.
This helped me today. I almost let myself become a puppet to a co worker this morning. I had to remind myself that my power is my own & not to give it to anyone else! Thank you.
This was a massively helpful lesson for me, people close to me always tell me I am giving away my power and I never understood what that meant or how to stop it, until now. Now I get it and I think I can finally do better with this. Thank you for this and all your other lesson Dr. Conte!
So that would be a good example of giving away your power. I appreciate you sharing it, however, because a lot of people tend to get pretty angry in traffic. One key might be to try not to take things personally in traffic. I know that can be tough to do, but the more you can do that, the less you allow others to determine how your day goes. I'm going to write a blog on my website about anger in traffic for you and everyone else who struggles with anger in traffic. I wish you much peace tonight.
I must admit Dr Conte you just made more sense to me than anything or anyone in my 47 yrs on this earth a lil about me im bipolar with a huge problem of bipolar rage/anger and im more or less addicted to being pissed off or mad thank you
Hi Daniel - Great point. There are certainly different types of anger. This video only describes two helpful techniques for the type of anger that occurs when we allow others to control us. My video, Getting Control of Yourself, describes the different types of anger and what to do with them. I will make a UA-cam video soon, however, to describe the different types of anger, because I'm hearing that that could be helpful, so thank you for the idea. Thank you for taking time to watch this video
I like how "normal" & relatable you are. How does this differ when you suffer from mental health issues? Also what do you do after? Confront later? 🤷🏽♀️Thank you for your channel🙂
I would like to say that Dr. Christian Conte is the best at what he does. He can really help you change your life for the better. Please watch his video !!
Thank you. I have a video, Getting Control of Yourself: Anger Management Tools and Techniques that might interest you as well. They were able to do some really cool graphics for that video - graphics that are more high-tech than my using a book! Thank you for taking the time to comment.
I think you have a good point. I'm not sure that we can ever completely rid ourselves of anger; however, I do believe that we can learn to control our thoughts, and eventually, have a much better sense of control over our actions when we feel anger. The gentlemen in the story I told in this video actually learned to control his thoughts really well - and this particular event happened about halfway through his process of change. Thank you for taking time to watch and comment. Much peace.
I’m not outwardly violent, it never got that far, but I am so angry internally that it comes through my speech and interferes with my ability to navigate less than ideal social situations. It makes me so negative, impatient, and mean spirited. The potential for violence is definitely there though and I did get into several scraps growing up
Awareness is so powerful. In the end though, and I mean this for each of us, it ultimately always comes down to what we do with that awareness that actually matters. Definitely sending you all my best and tons of peace!
@@DrChristianConte I’m recovering from at least two generations of destructive narcissism repeating which I believe has much do with it. I recently went no contact at 30 and identify as an orphan I have kind of a Jackyl and Hyde thing going on but it’s getting much better, I just try being mindful of the positive and negative energies that I’m putting out and taking in. Thank you for the comment
To everyone who is angry right now - remember this:
No matter how bad things get, and no matter how much you're suffering:
"This too, shall pass."
Everything changes. Absolutely everything.
My mate just got beat up, really, I'm fuming because they went for me aswell. Really not in a good mood. Telling you it was wrong
Wow,I just kinda stumbled on top this and thought I'd give it a watch and wow, very helpful, the Lord puts people in your path for a reason, thanks for this I've just subscribed.
Thanks brother. I wish you much peace.
Christian Conte thanks for that keep doing what you do it helps.
Dr. Christian Conte I'm really in pain because of a person of over aggressive personality. He just gets angry over everything and says things that hurts me so much emotionally and kind of gets abusive too. I dunno how to make him understand that it's just weakening our relation. I get hurt so much that Im not able to get back to normal for so many time. Help me.
I am currently in the final segment of a breakup with my Fiance. She left me. My anger had pushed her away, I lost control. I gave it away. I've been studying several of your videos the last few days, thank you for what you do. The advice through heartbreak is hard to take and to listen to but already some of the techniques you have taught me have already made a small impact on my life. I may never get her back, but maybe one day with enough practice I will be in control of myself. Thank you.
My...paused-fiancé? and I have been going thru the same struggle.
I think these videos are great.
My partner and I can both be rageful, even violent. I seem to mostly only go to that place of extreme anger when I'm in a relationship with an aggressive man.
(My schizophrenic mom brings it out in me too, but it's much easier to stop and apologize with her. She doesn't Go To War with me the way the two men I've tried to be with have.
Last year I made some progress but got discouraged when he got Much Worse Despite intensive therapy.
Now I'm left to wonder--can too much talking about childhood trauma before you've mastered self control make a client with anger issues Much Worse??!?
I know the rational thing would be to break up and stay broken up
Butv we seem Actually Incapable of falling out of love or resisting each other...
God bless you and give you the strength to lead a happy life for you!
Yes i think whats crucial is to first take back your life and learn how to control, only then dig deeper into reasons and trauma. We came to this conclusion with my therapist.
I drove my fiancé away too. I’m an agnostic and she’s a Christian and she kept mentioning how I should look into Christianity with her. Instead of being rational with her; I internalized this as “she’s trying to control me. Don’t take that! Stand up for yourself” and so in an angry outburst, I told her to get the fuck out while she was showering at 2 am. I kicked her out in anger as she was crying and followed her around my house as she got her stuff. About 20 minutes later; I had finally calmed down and told her, begged her even, to stay but at that point, I had already done too much damage. That incident made me look into controlling my emotions; a harsh lesson but a necessary one.
😳.. whoa
I am in tears because I know I have given so much of my power away to people who just don't deserve it
A lot of times we don't want to "bother anyone" with our problems - until we realize that we are bothering them with our actions anyway. When I am faced with bothering someone with my actions or bothering a friend by asking for support, I tend to pick asking my friend. More often than not, friends are not actually bothered by us turning to them anyway. If you can, try to seek out a friend or counselor to turn to, even if it's difficult, because none of us needs to face things alone. Much peace
Thankyou!❤️ I found your video today, and will try to remember what you said. I’m living in India, where people cross “normal” boundaries all the time. They have a whole different set of rules over here about what is polite and what isn’t. Whenever we go out in public, complete strangers touch my children, pinch their cheeks roughly, and try to take them against my will, after I’ve said NO. And sometimes they yank my baby a couple times to see who will win the tug of war!!!!!😭😭😭
This is so far the most effective technique I saw on youtube. Other vids are crap. This man just hits me right in the feels.
Thank you so much. Sending you much peace!
Have to agree on other videos. Incredibly naive and downright stupid advice is all over youtube ! Incompetent professionals that need to stay out of the way and just stfu !
This video helped me a lot today. I was in a situation I couldn't leave and the person would not stop poking and prodding. Instead of the situation devolving into me yelling and/or crying, I cut the puppet strings and was able to maintain my composure, and the other person was left to be angry to themselves. I did cry when I was alone and ruminated too much afterwards, but that's something I feel like I can keep working on now that I have a base to work from.
I think the way I see it is that there is a difference between understanding and practicing. Most people seem to understand (in theory) how to handle anger, but actually living that out can be tough. I wish you much peace.
I just came to this realization, and it's great to hear it affirmed. I'm just tired of giving people control over me. Period.
I agree: we have the power to determine how we feel - even though it can be difficult, the fact is, it's possible. Thank you for your comments.
Eleven years later and still helping people.
My own lack of control got me into this puppet situation where my boss is actively trying to get complaints from my coworkers in order to have reasons to fire me (several of them warned me). Now, without these videos, I would've been offended and resentful toward my boss, but it looks like it has been me the one who lend her the power over my person, so I'm the one to blame. I formerly thought of my temperament as a sign of strength, now I realize it has always been a sign of weakness.
Thank you for your wisdom
This is awesome! it made me realize how I was giving away that power everyday and that it is myself the one who needs to be in control. We often blame the other person but it is up to us to take control.
Brilliant and im a teen who got has a bad bad bad temper now this really helped me
Thanks brother. Sending you all the best and much peace for sure!
We shared this video at our Celebrate Recovery meeting when someone was sharing on their anger issues and everyone thought it was very helpful. It can be used to relate to giving your power to other things too. Thanks for this insight!
Thank you for positively changing my life. Your puppet/IronMan technique of not giving away your power literally saved me from committing crimes like assault and battery which would have landed me in prison...possibly for life. I don't have a felony record and never want one. I genuinely can't thank you enough.
i can't thank you enough for this. it's been a daily struggle lately for me.
Thank you for your kind comments. Kate is awesome and I would love to hear from her and how she's doing. Congratulations on your engagement! She can contact me through my website. I wish you two all the best!
I have seen countless videos on this subject and this video really helped me. I saw my anger in a different way. I've been letting other people control me well no more . Great video
Thank you so much. It's such a good feeling to be in control of our lives and not allow others to have power over us. I wish you much peace.
This is great advice. The way you present/word the info in the video, has inspired me to control my anger simply out of spite for others 😂
I can’t believe I have been giving up my power all these years.
You're welcome. I hope it helps. Thanks for taking time to comment.
Thank you for taking time to say something positive. Much appreciation.
When I’m angry , I usually don’t think. I just act, I punched a gaping hole in my wall because of this
Same. It's almost like something else inside me completely takes over and I am no longer myself until I come to and see the mess I've created. It's like a monster inside.
M2
@@sarahm2878 same
When I get angry. I think and I don’t punch any holes in anything. However I do yell. I get impulsive. But I do somehow manage to control it a little. But I don’t enforce anything in anyone: just don’t touch me.
I have a hole in my bathroom wall I had to cover up with posters and im gonna hide it from my family til we move 💀
Dr. Conte, I have been suffering from extreme anger issues over the dumbest and most unrealistic things, and again I have you and most importantly my wife for finding this video. I really am tired of overreacting to things that either my daughters 2 & 6 do or my relatives. My wife found this in concern for my health, as I've been afflicted with diabetes from about 16yrs now and stress is definitely not good for anyone's health especially mine. I turn 36 today, and I sincerely wish to change for the sake of beautiful wife and daughters, as they deserve nothing but the best. God bless and thank you again.
Hey Matthew, I'm sorry to hear that you've had to struggle with anger for so long, but I really admire the fact that you are making changes for your family. You're right, your wife and daughters deserve your best, and it's awesome that you are giving that to them. I think it's understandable that we have learned behavioral patterns of accepting that it's okay to lash out of anger, but the great thing is that we really can change. My website has some resources to help you keep up with the changes you're making (and I started posting videos regularly on my youtube channel). I'm sending you and your family all the best. Much peace, Dr. Conte
+Dr. Christian Conte Thanks for the reply and words of encouragement. I will definitely follow up on the website, I wish you were close by so I could personally come and see you as a patient. If ever you're around/in Montreal for anything related to your profession, I'd like to volunteer myself as a person willing to publicly go through your process on your show or otherwise help you promote your help and teachings further. I don't have anything to offer as I don't think I could afford you, but you do more than you can imagine by doing what you do and deserve all the best for you and your family. Much peace to you and yours as well, and I'd love to keep in touch if we can.
Definitely. Feel free to contact me through my website if you'd like to stay in touch. Much peace brother!
Using these technics, I've managed not to ruin my mood during an argument with pathological ex. This is huge for me. Thank you!
Thanks brother. I appreciate you taking the time to let me know.
Excellent analogy of the puppet and the book to manage your anger, Dr. Conte.
While it seems very simple, I am sure practicing it will have its own challenges. I will do my best to visualize the puppet and the book every time I become angry and say things that I wish I had not said.
BTW, I also watched several other videos of yours last night. Appreciate posting them all on UA-cam. Thanks a bunch.
Thank you so much Suresh! I appreciate you taking time to watch my videos and express something kind to me. And I believe you are 100% right - understanding these concepts and practicing them can be two very different things - and it's not always easy to practice what we know. The key is consistency and trying, though, and I'm definitely sending you all my best and tons of peace!
You're welcome! Thank you so much for taking time to watch and share this video. Yes, I agree, we tend to give our power away in many instances in life. I wish you all the best. Much peace, Christian
Thank you Dr. Conte!! I have anger issues and you have already helped me see things clearly!!
I was a angry person
I felt alone and robbed of communication with others
I spent years of my life ploting and pushing away people that got in the way of my anger and what upset me or who upset me
I put my enemy's that I made from my own poor choices over the people I care about...Loosing friendships along the way
I was so disconnected to human interaction and emotional Attachment that all i felt was rage
All I had was anger it consumed me
I didn't cry for 4 years only shout and break things
Once I reached that point I was getting a rush...a high from becoming angry
It even changed me sexually
I injoyed watching people suffer because of how terrible I felt for years
In school I would constantly get in to fights and was always the one who started it
I hurt my mother, my brother and myself through all of it
But after all of that and realizing who I was i knew I needed to change
I started smoking weed
Exercising
And in general I tried to nature things more
And most importantly never shoving my empathy down for anything
I feel a lot more now I've worked on myself
Don't do the same thing I did
Open your heart to love over hate,
Hate will solve nothing it only consumes
Revenge,anger, and hate will only leave you robbed of hope
Robbed of humanity
And ultimately turn you in to a monster
After not feeling guilty for so long and then waking up to what monster I let manifest
I would truly never wish apon any living thing in the mlutiverse
I hope someone like me can read this and know what path rage leads you to
Thanks for this
Thank you brother. I appreciate you watching the other video, too. It's crazy how much shame, depression, and anxiety can lead to us getting angry without realizing it. Please let me know if I can ever be of help. You can contact me through my website. All the best, Christian
Thank you SuperWeaponR - I appreciate hearing that a ton. Much peace, Christian
Many times there is a difference between what we say and what we mean. So often, we say mean things when what we really want to express is that we are hurting. I know it can be tough, but if you can learn to express the hurt you are experiencing rather than just reacting out of anger, it can really make a difference in the situation.
Old video still helping people. Thanks Dr. Christian Conte. I have had a problem lashing out with emotion since I was a child and it's got me into a lot of unessacary trouble over the years. I'm 43 now and finally ready to change.
Thank you so much. I sincerely appreciate you taking time to watch it.
this is so powerful to me!! many videos just say "take a deep breath, count to 10" and it's so not helpful at all! if someone in the moment is angry and you tell them to just take a walk, it seems to be more of an irritant than an aid! but this video puts things into perspective and helps a lot! I'm really struggling with anger, but i think a big change in me just happened! i don't HAVE to struggle! i don't HAVE to give people my power!
Thank you so much for this video back a few years ago I was constantly angry and I looked and acted completely different. At the time I thought it was no big deal until I saw videos of who I was. I never wanted to leave my house because of how angry I was and hated interacting with people out side of my comfort group.
Yes Yes Yes! Thank you for posting on UA-cam! Dr. Conte you are greatly missed! Your techniques are practical and have definitely made a difference in my counseling style.
Dr. Conte, this video is an extremely great visual to let children and parents watch that are struggling with this concept, I can never put it as elequently as you! These are such helpful concepts to teach others that can be resistant to new ideas because they are easy to grasp. I can't wait to share this visual with others!
I think that's a great question and it happens a lot. One way to think about it is this: there's a difference between holding in your emotions and holding onto your power. I think we run into a lot of trouble when we hold in our emotions and allow the little things to build up. When we hold onto our power, however, what we do is not allow others to control us. We tend to feel a little better when we can let out some of the little things before they become big things. Hope this helps
Hi. Thanks for your thoughts. I would encourage you to explore the difference between being assertive (so as not to be a doormat) and being aggressive (ie., exacting revenge). You may find that there are more than just the two options of either being a doormat or getting revenge. Besides, rare is the person anyway who gets hurt and thinks, "Oh, that's how I must have made that other person feel..." Regardless of the lesson they hope to teach us, we usually just end up angry at those who hurt us.
This video is from 2013 but is still very true today in 2023. These videos have helped me tremendously. Thank you so much 😊 Dr. Conte!
Thank you, I really need this info right now before I do something I will regret...
Thank you. I think it's hard sometimes to step back and stop ourselves from making decisions in the heat of the moment that we will regret. It's amazing how empowered we feel when we can take the time to think things through beforehand. The fact that you are taking time to watch videos and learn about what's going on inside you shows that you certainly do have that self control, and you are probably a lot stronger than you know. I wish you much peace.
Great explanation of this. I like the puppet and Iron man analogies!
Thanks brother! Sending you much peace!
Hey Dr. Conte. You had my fiancé Kate Allen in high school and she said you changed her life. She's been trying to get in contact with you to reconnect. I have been watching some of your videos due to my family is nuts. And they have helped a great deal. Thank you so much.
I watched this about a week ago and WOW it has made such a difference! Your advice is to the point and easy to remember in those difficult times. Thank you for sharing this knowledge :)
+Ms. Faceless You are absolutely welcome! Thanks for taking the time to say such kind things!
Ohh yes !! Oh wow !! Thankyou very much. This and your video on letting go are so amazing. What a wonderful relief. I can feel anger dissolving after many many years 🙏
True. Which is why I try to teach the concept of just focusing on improving ourselves. We are the only people we can actually change. Thank you for taking the time to comment.
That's exactly what happens, this guy knows what he's talking about.much respect and peace to you my friend.🙏
Thanks for posting this video Dr. Conte, it's fantastic! I never thought of anger/frustration issues from the perspective of being a puppet. I've had an extremely late diagnosis of Autism, and had easily enough bullying from people (when a child and as an adult) because they sensed I was somehow vulnerable or an "ideal" one to target (and they got away with it). As a youngster I remember doing a lot of shutting down and caving-in when others took pleasure in pressuring me or manipulating me, and this was all I could do because I was autistic and unaware I had this developmental disorder. Whether I knew about the ASD or not, I ended up with a huge queue of negative events in my mind that were unprocessed when I was older... clearly all this unprocessed stuff had built up and was a recipe for meltdowns. Being unaware I was autistic, I was clearly handing my power over to bullies many years ago, but being autistic I couldn't control it. I suspect my power had already been taken from me (simply because I didn't know I had ASD), and as the special needs specialists in school all failed to detect my ASD, this meant I continued through life being unaware, vulnerable and very confused for decades. For years I was in a no-win situation almost. I now have much unravelling to do, and my diagnosis of Autism has proved a huge relief as I now have a clear explanation regarding why I've experienced all this bullying and had lots of it too. I think I'll always be up against it, as I will always have this slowed ability to process information (in the brain) as the ASD will never go away, but I'm definitely now free of that vicious cycle. I'll keep that puppet in mind - it's clearly a simple idea that can stop the individual sinking down into something horrendous or life-changing. Thank you again.
Hi Dr. Christian Conte I am in the process of taking the training as a mental trainer in Denmark, we work with 32 different mental tools. towards our clients. and our system, is breakthrough. as it is not seen in other parts of the world. I have never seen the techniques you use around anger. and it's really cool. Book and a doll wow think they could be so simple. I am deeply grateful for your video. I have given my book away for many years and then I myself have been a puppet for a good 42 years. I just haven't known how to deal with my inner anger that I have from my past. and here is your tool really good thank you best regards Noa Evans denmark
puppet & power technique for anger management. I remember this. Thanks
Loved the video! I'm enrolled in the Marriage and Family therapy program at UNR, suffice to say us students miss you a TON =) Can't wait to see what you put out next, keep up the excellent work!
Thank you, Dr Christian Conte. I will try to not give away my power.
This video should have at least 100 million views.
Thank you so much for saying that. I agree - the world is what the world is, and it is up to us how we respond to it. Thanks for watching the video.
Thank you. Please feel free to reach out if I can be of help.
Dr. Christian Conte has a passion that inspires and reaches his audience on a profound level. His unique teaching style and genuine respect for every individual makes his talks exciting, and life changing. In the graduate coursework I was fortunate enough to have with Dr. Conte, I grew as a student, as a professional, and as a person in ways I never imagined possible. His words have stayed with me as I continue using the knowledge, skills, and techniques he shared. And yeah,more videos please!
Thank you. Thanks for taking the time to tell me.
I am so glad and thankful I stumbled upon your videos! Your down to Earth sense of conveying your messages is amazing. You have a no-b.s. way of putting things and you're easy to listen to. I hope I can get better at practicing all these techniques and be better especially for my kids. Thank you so much!
This was very very very helpful! Thank you so much. I have a very toxic mother in law who pushes through boundaries and try’s to intimidate me all the time. So I needed. This advice
This is great! Anyone else notice the whiteboard in the background? Words at the surface, meaning underneath. Attention to detail = Intentionality. -love it-
Even though this might sound obvious, I know it's not always easy or even possible: but if you can find someone you trust to turn to when the little things get to you before they become big things, it really can help. Think about a balloon: if we don't let the air out before it gets too big, it can pop. If we let out a little bit of air at a time, however, we can keep it from popping. If you want, feel free to send me an email through my website and I'll try to send you a longer explanation.
To Dr. Christian Conte, For the last 2 days now I have been checking out your videos on You Tube. (by the way I did subscribe to you channel) For as long as I can remember I seem to always have some anger issues in the workplace. In my late 20's I was diagnosed as Borderline personality disorder along with bipolar depression. I try so hard to control my thoughts and anger in the work place but I am having a hard time struggling with that. I see a doctor for my prescriptions for my mental illness. I really like doing the work I do, but I have very hard time dealing with the people I work around. For the last 20 plus years the jobs I used to do I just sat in a cubicle and did data entry work. I did not have to deal with the people I worked with, also I did not have to deal with the public. I liked my other jobs, but I eventually got laid off. The point I am trying to make is because I have to work around the coworkers and mingle with them, I do not seem to know how to deal with this. Do you think people that have a mental illness can get better with your anger management videos and learn how to communicate better with coworkers and their bosses?
Wow!! That puppet idea really struck a chord.. I know I will think of that for now on!! Thank u so much!
Thank you for your kind words. And it's true: anger can definitely be exhausting....
Thank you for taking time of your life to help us.
Wow! I have listened to a lot of videos in trying to deal with my anger. Now I see clearly with your analogy. Looking forward to start tomorrow!. Will keep you posted. Thanks a mil!
Thank you so much. Please reach out if I can help. I'm also excited to share that my new book Life Lessons is now available on Amazon. Much peace, Christian
Thanks brother.
I have BPD so anger issues are VERYYY familiar to me. The puppet analogy is so smart because part of my being angry is being SOOO inside myself that I can't escape and become an observer again. The ability to observe myself becomes next to impossible when I become angry most likely as a defense mechanism.
Anger is NOT violence or hitting. Anger is very internal, it's so much deeper than being pissed off.
I heard from Dr. Phil once that "Anger is hurt, fear, or frustration" and that one line helped me dramatically in my Anger management journey.
So when I do get angry, afterward I review what happened and what got me so angry, and trace it down to if I was feeling rejected, or embarrassed or defensive - it's not Anger. It's hurt, fear, or frustration. Finding the deeper emotions beyond my anger has helped me dramatically and I encourage everyone to retrace their steps and go deeper and deeper with the why's because it helps you discover why you are actually presenting so angrily.
Absolutely wonderful, I love the example of giving away our personal power source. Thank you for sharing your wisdom here atUA-cam for the world to gleam.
Thank you Doc! Very intuitive and well thought out strategies laid out so beautifully and simply. Sending positive vibes to you and anyone reading this
Seeing how much people go through, and how we can try to avoid issues and problems.
Thank you! I wish you well for sure.
Absolutely. I hope it can help.
I've always had problems with resentments and forgiveness because of the things some people did to me especially the major things. I went to treatment for an addiction problem and I have mental health issues to get sober and in recovery where I had a therapist and a sponsor I did the steps with. My therapist told me that resentments only hurt you, not the other person. You do it for yourself. The steps are all about letting go of bad behaviors, making amends, becoming a better person, and helping others. I had to write down all my resentments, how they affected me, and my part in them. When you see your part you know what to change and make amends if needed. This doesnt apply to every situation though like if you were abused. I also try to understand why people are the way they are and do what they do. Not justifying or condoning their behaviors but we act how we do for a reason. Then it helps have more compassion and pray for them. If they change be happy for them, if not, don't stoop to their level and get revenge, but be the bigger person and be kind. They will get their karma whether from an experience, another person, or God. I wouldn't wish that. It's good to heal and protect yourself.
I remember when I was in 5th grade, a boy kept calling me stupid. It hurt my feelings so bad I took my metal lunch box and hit him over his head . I was sent to the principal's office and punished. I was so embarrassed as a kid . I now have your advice to live by . I thank God for you.
I needed this. Thank you. I am one of many drivers of a forklift in a busy warehouse and the job is stressful and you want to scream at people. Can't do it. You must maintain control. 7-10 times an evening someone is going to make an honest mistake or you are going to make a mistake, and you need to learn how to deal with that because everyone just wants to go home and not have bad blood.
Those are two very powerful techniques. Great stuff.
Dr. Conte, Thank you so much for this. I needed this reminder badly. I'm getting ready to embark upon something exciting, but my I had been allowing the anger from a bad experience to take my power. I realize that bad experience doesn't deserve my power. I'm denying myself the opportunity to experience this thing coming up and enjoy the life I have. I'm going to work much harder on this. Again, thank you for this. Have a great week!
+Vicky Reeves Hi Vicky - You're absolutely right! Previous bad experiences don't deserve your power. I wish you the best in your new opportunity!
Just got into a fight with my mom before this lol, but this vid really could help me with my anger issues.. See, its runs in my family haha, but I'm realising that I don't want to live that way.. So thanks a lot Dr Conte, I'll try to put ur techniques into use, the whole puppet analogy just opened up my whole mind
Thank you.
Dr. Conte!!!! you're a boss!! we miss you here in Reno. be blessed!
This was a powerful video for me to listen to years ago when I was going through a hard time and now I'm sharing your info to a friend right now who needs help. Thanks for the amazing video . I feel you compassion and love.
This helped me today. I almost let myself become a puppet to a co worker this morning. I had to remind myself that my power is my own & not to give it to anyone else! Thank you.
+BeautifulbyDesign18 That's so cool. Thanks for taking the time to tell me. You definitely own your power, and I'm glad you see that!
This was a massively helpful lesson for me, people close to me always tell me I am giving away my power and I never understood what that meant or how to stop it, until now. Now I get it and I think I can finally do better with this. Thank you for this and all your other lesson Dr. Conte!
Thank you very much.
So that would be a good example of giving away your power. I appreciate you sharing it, however, because a lot of people tend to get pretty angry in traffic. One key might be to try not to take things personally in traffic. I know that can be tough to do, but the more you can do that, the less you allow others to determine how your day goes. I'm going to write a blog on my website about anger in traffic for you and everyone else who struggles with anger in traffic. I wish you much peace tonight.
I must admit Dr Conte you just made more sense to me than anything or anyone in my 47 yrs on this earth a lil about me im bipolar with a huge problem of bipolar rage/anger and im more or less addicted to being pissed off or mad thank you
That puppet explanation just changed my perspective. You have my attention... thank you
It does for sure. Thanks. I hope it helps.
Hi Daniel - Great point. There are certainly different types of anger. This video only describes two helpful techniques for the type of anger that occurs when we allow others to control us. My video, Getting Control of Yourself, describes the different types of anger and what to do with them. I will make a UA-cam video soon, however, to describe the different types of anger, because I'm hearing that that could be helpful, so thank you for the idea. Thank you for taking time to watch this video
Best best best video on anger management! God bless you Sir
Great presentation. I'm a therapist, look forward to using these interventions as needed. Cheers,
Thanks brother. Much peace!
This video was so helpful I had to watch this again
I like how "normal" & relatable you are. How does this differ when you suffer from mental health issues? Also what do you do after? Confront later? 🤷🏽♀️Thank you for your channel🙂
These techniques help so much, thank you for taking the time to make this video
*This is the video I have been looking for... you are really an expert. I like it your videos.*
gonna subscribe now
Thank you so, so much. Sending you tons of peace, for sure!
I would like to say that Dr. Christian Conte is the best at what he does. He can really help you change your life for the better.
Please watch his video !!
Thank you. I have a video, Getting Control of Yourself: Anger Management Tools and Techniques that might interest you as well. They were able to do some really cool graphics for that video - graphics that are more high-tech than my using a book! Thank you for taking the time to comment.
I think you have a good point. I'm not sure that we can ever completely rid ourselves of anger; however, I do believe that we can learn to control our thoughts, and eventually, have a much better sense of control over our actions when we feel anger. The gentlemen in the story I told in this video actually learned to control his thoughts really well - and this particular event happened about halfway through his process of change. Thank you for taking time to watch and comment. Much peace.
I’m not outwardly violent, it never got that far, but I am so angry internally that it comes through my speech and interferes with my ability to navigate less than ideal social situations. It makes me so negative, impatient, and mean spirited. The potential for violence is definitely there though and I did get into several scraps growing up
Awareness is so powerful. In the end though, and I mean this for each of us, it ultimately always comes down to what we do with that awareness that actually matters. Definitely sending you all my best and tons of peace!
@@DrChristianConte I’m recovering from at least two generations of destructive narcissism repeating which I believe has much do with it. I recently went no contact at 30 and identify as an orphan I have kind of a Jackyl and Hyde thing going on but it’s getting much better, I just try being mindful of the positive and negative energies that I’m putting out and taking in. Thank you for the comment