How to Handle Conversations When You Know Someone is Lying
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- Опубліковано 10 лют 2025
- Ever had that nagging feeling that someone isn’t being honest with you?
It’s frustrating when you know something’s off, but you’re not sure how to address it. Especially without things getting messy.
Here’s the good news: You don’t have to call someone out directly to get closer to the truth.
In this episode, I’m breaking down 3 subtle ways to handle conversations when someone isn’t telling the whole story.
These 3 strategies will help you keep your cool, let the other person’s honesty (or lack of it) reveal itself, and avoid getting tangled up in their story.
Like what you hear? Don’t forget to subscribe and leave a 5-star review!
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Im going to be Harsh… Chris Voss says people who lie is only one of many ways people show they’re uncomfortable,,, responds with, Seems your uncomfortable…
another great podcast.
Suggestion: can you please not move your camera constantly. Its unsettling to watch things tilting and changing constantly - causes us to lose focus
I love this! Thank you. Can't wait for your book. This answered my question👍
I've never preordered a book before until now! I love the bonuses - very helpful.
@ Sorry this is not how to handle liars… Sounds like Chris Voss had to deal with testing terrorist for lies, Chris discovered lying is only one way to show someone is uncomfortable,,, how to see it, how to test them…
It's refreshing that someone on this platform offers free simple clear advice, without the clickbait. I'm grateful for your channel. Thank you.
Thanks, Kristin. Glad you're here. :)
Ditto for me. Merci!
Some people take things personally in every conversation. They get defensive and can’t continue talking so that they don’t get angry.
There wasn’t any lie that I can tell in these types of conversations (simple short basic conversations), yet if at all your not agreeing, they start fuming. I thought perhaps it’s childhood learned behavior. Hmmm
Thanks Jefferson! Sooo helpful!
@@jeffersonfisher Too many of us have been deprived of knowing people in our lives like you Jefferson Fisher. We haven't known enough wisdom, strength, kindness.
Most children have never gazed into the face of truth and learned to trust deeply and safely. Mel Robbins, when interviewing you said in a wholesome and smart way that she loved you. That's because the Spirit of God was so very evident in you that she was compelled to be reciprocally honest toward you. You touch a place in my heart that I'm glad to have kept alive for sacred moments as this.
Yup thank you so much you are and OG with the word play and responses!
Sounds like 95% of dealing with toxic people is silence. Haha. I love that. “Don’t reward bad behavior.” :)
@@Fight_Brandon_Fight Evil hates to be ignored.
Yes, but also understand that silence can also reward them, depending on how they are viewing it.
5:13 This is actually not the case for skilled liars. They know darn well to not act defensive when being questioned about something their lie. They know how to emulate patience. They know how to emulate the actions of a person that is telling the truth. Having said that, they don't know the natural limits of that "acting patient and calm", and will tend to overuse it or it would be over exaggerated circumstantially, whereby eventually it would give them away. But so often skilled liars know how to stay calm cool and collected in the face of their deception, and being questioned. Perhaps some of the suggestions you are making in this video are more typical of neurotypical people, and not of dark triad trait people.
Silence and the Cheshire Cat smile 😂 works every time
@@Divinefeminine1821 That takes a bit of skill too. It is also aggravating for honest people. I once worked with a woman I really liked. But I could never make friends with her because she was careful to protect herself with that Cheshire Cat Smile. If you're out there Norma from Building 5F at UCLA, hello and I wish you well. You also had a great sense of humor.
When I joined the workforce full time, I was disheartened at the lying, laziness, and gaslighting that existed. Documenting and saying little is very important.
Yes the work environment has become a stressful drama loving environment where harassment is how they get rid of those they don't like. Like those who work hard, tell the truth, and make few mistakes.
@@texaslovelylady You are absolutely correct. I'm disgusted with human nature. It forces you to go strong with trying to work for yourself. What's even more disgusting is they don't want to be better.
Gaslighting is out of control in mGMT.
@@texaslovelyladyYour description was so spot on it really made my day to read it.
@te9591 It's what lazy and narcissistic people do to breeze through. However, it catches up to them. Karma is wonderful. I saw this narcissistic lazy co-worker get fired after many years. I heard about it and I also heard she got fired from her other two jobs after that.
Thank you for clarifying that over explainers are not necessary lying. People that have been abused as a child or as an adult by a toxic narcissist tend to over explain.
@melodynearlyful I used to be an over explainer as a fearful abuse survivor. You and I get it. I sure like this YT channel!
Or autistic.
people pleasers tend to do what you are considering “over explainers”. He is referring to a person that continue to be persuasive regarding your disbelief.
Here! I'm actually addressing this in therapy at my urging but they insist there is nothing wrong with the way I speak .
I'm a bad liar so I don't do it but with extended traumatic experiences throughout life and being made to feel guilty I tend to over explain.
Yes, this, 100%. I'm neuro-divergent and was always accused as a child of doing things I didn't do. Everything bad that happened in my family was blamed on me as being my fault. So, when something goes wrong, I feel guilty, even though I'm not. Something going wrong causes a tremendous amount of anxiety in me, which probably makes me appear as if I'm guilty. The funny thing is that as someone who's neuro-divergent, I'm very honest.
I was married to a liar and he was so convincing that sometimes i thought i was losing my mind lol.he would stick to the story No Matter What!!
That’s known as gaslighting. It’s related to an old movie called Gaslight. You probably heard of it.
Been there.
I am there. I get the overreacting the switcheroo on the victim thing, the name calling, so I second guess myself and am afraid to do anything..
@MickiBond Please protect your sanity and RUN! 23 years married to a lying narc and all I have to show for it is ocd, mmd & cptsd
I was married to one too. When he started getting physical when I called him out, I gave him an ultimatum. I wasn't going to raise my son in that environment and continue the cycle of lies and violence.
I worked as a volunteer and was surprised when one of my co-workers lied in front of me to my boss! When she asked me, why I was being short with her, I told her, "it was because you lied to Tommy about the ten-minute rule." This woman immediately flipped out and became very aggressive and told me "never call me a liar again." She actually scared me. My main boss was able to change the schedule so we had minimal interaction but it was wild how quickly this woman reacted. It was like she had a script in her head, in advance, and ran with it and that included yelling at me to "not walk away" like I was a teenager or a child. I'm 61 years old! It made my volunteer experience, on a beautiful remote lake, pure torture and not fun. She tried to get me fired. That didnt work but wow what an experience.
I volunteered for years also, in a toxic workplace based around being sleazy towards pretty girls, seeking adulation and recognition, while telling the hard workers they should not expect any of the same. Just shut up, work hard, and stay out of any contested limelight.
Still they would mock, exclude, and generally give off jealous and bad vibes.
I now only volunteer for myself or individuals i care about.
So many funded charities are just places for narcissists to find safe harbour.
With access to money or goods, and a position of power.
The biggest liars are the first one to tell you “I hate liars,” or get REALLY defensive about being called a liar.
Sad. Because that happens all the time in the work place , in families, anywhere. So many liars and dishonest people with agendas. It is very frustrating.
You have to be so careful, people like that can make your life hell if they think you are a danger to their reputation.
They are Narcissists. Only they can be so aggressive when called out.
I've had too many conversations with liars and the way you describe their reactions is so accurate
Ohh that “smooth liar” part is spot on! My ex will ramble not letting me get a word in. Literally if I draw a breath to speak, he’ll talk over not just my words, my attempt at speech. I did mention he is an ex right ?🤣
Good on you, Debbie; I hope I can be in similar shoes soon! (With the 'ex' part.)
I absolutely love this. Growing up with passive-aggressive, secretive people in my family, I admire transparency and realness. Thank you!
Michelle,
Imagine a transparent world where
EVERYONE feels safe telling The Truth …
I also fantasize about being to walk out the door, around the world, w nothing and being totally safe doing it.
Best of luck out there.
Yes I call it the "Days of Our Lives" situation when it's all lies, dramas, passive aggression, poor communication, pulling faces behind people's backs, jealousy, and that feeling that something weird is going on.
Avoid, relocate !!
Silence is everything and a powerful tool to use. I think we underestimate the power of silence.
100%
Silence is golden.
Not when weaponized
There's also those ppl who have been questioned unfairly by a jealous or possessive partner and they feel the need to be overly transparent.
I’ve had to go “no contact” with many people, I just don’t have the energy for the covert narcs, they are exhausting.
the worst.
Happened to me with a good friend of mine. It was a hard decision but I stopped answering the calls. Making up stories over and over made me anxious, used and wasting my time.
What we react to is what we are refusing to accept within ourselves.
All narcs are exhausting. They do not listen
@@vickyjohnson2704 100% I ignore them all.
When I started at my present company, I attended a training seminar with my supervisor and a few others. One guy was bragging about being a Marine Corps helicopter medic. I introduced myself as a Marine Corps veteran, too. I was the Personnel Admin Chief for Manpower Division, HQMC. There is no such thing as a helicopter medic. We have Navy corpsman. He moved to another table. He hasn't spoken to me in years.
I think it’s sad that people inflate their worth by posing as vets. I’m glad you exposed that poser! It’s shameful that they have no problem taking in the accolades of “thank you for your service”, etc, when they are far from deserving of that respect. Thank YOU for YOUR service!
😂
😉
People can certainly be pathetic.
Sir, thank you for your expertise and service! Some people don't know when to be quiet, never know who's listening 😅.
I was in a relationship with a man with NPD and you talk about about liars. I got in therapy to learn about him and his lies AND NOW I CAN SPOT A LIAR FROM A MILE AWAY. You describe him to a T.
My ex-boyfriend is a bipolar pathological liar, gossip and manipulator. So glad I rediscovered my peace of mind.
I learned this lesson the hard way from someone I had mistaken for a friend for years. Thanks for the confirmation that if someone personally attacks you at a level 12 for doubting them, they're both lying and toxic.
They sure can be…
My sister is a pathological liar and a narcissist. It's so bad, there's really nothing you can do but I appreciate this video a lot. Even if she is caught in the lie with concrete proof, she'll say it never happened. I mean, what can you do about that?
I have the same sister! It’s taken until I turned 78 to figure out how to ignore the pain.
I do feel your pain though mine is not a sister.
@wordswordswords8203 It sounds like there is something more than her being a pathological liar, like a mental illness she can not control.
Yep…she will rewrite history…the gish galloping…she claims I babysat her first born from 6 weeks of age (start of 2004), in a house I didn’t live in until Bub was at least 8 months (and I still wasn’t babysitting then), because she had 1 more subject/semester (even though she graduated end of 2006 and was studying all that time and she could see that from her graduation certificate and transcript)… the truth doesn’t matter. Facts, documents, photos - none of that matters. This is just the tip of the iceberg for this one issue. It’s mind blowing.
@@annie_charcheologist Yes, that is an odd thing for her to do and the whole thing is fabricated. I've been through that too. My sister lies so much that at this point I assume everything she says is a lie or some type of twisted, inaccurate version of the truth. It is mind blowing how people can be like this.
Yor make things simple and calm. It's nice to see someone with a brain and clean cut. I'm 70 and you are so cute. Thanks
😅 I am 72 and totally agree!!
I’m 79 and agree , advice I would have loved earlier in life
ESPECIALLY his clean cut part, Gladys ! I am 80 and soooo tired of everyone looking like they are lower class slobs walking around.❤️
I'm 69 yrs. & yes he's so cute.
PS - but I do love his advice & I'm a subscriber. Which I assume you other ladies are??
@@777Pattie Absolutely, Pattie. We are ALL here for his wonderful advice, but as older ladies, we are also enjoying looking at him…..and remembering how folks used to look, back in our younger years. THIS guy was one you could certainly bring home to meet Mama .
Suggested future topic: How to shut down someone who just rattles on and on and on, often not even staying on topic. Second suggestion: Dealing with hostile aggressor who calls you stupid, etc. for your beliefs.
Stare at them without blinking, letting them know they are rambling, and say nothing.
If they keep going despite this. say nothing, and walk away.
Don't give them the time of day if they're not going to be respectful.
Suggestion to you stop trying to control other people's behavior and worry about yourself!
@@RonkeStation careful. U giving advice that will make said person be alone for life. It’s good to know when to walk away, at the same time we have to know how to talk to people. Flaws and all.
My grandson is 19 and as with most people his age has a hard time reading people. I believe this has alot to do with having more media technology than actual human relations. I've shown him your channel and he is grateful for your advice and social cues to decipher what people are either saying or not saying..... Thank-you for putting this out there.
This is an excellent point. Our current young, twenty something generation, in my experience, are challenging to communicate verbally, in person, with because it seems to give them “anxiety”. I think human to human is hard for them-their fluid communication style is digital
It’s not uncommon for teens today to be uncomfortable with socialization rather than technology. I too have sent Jefferson’s videos to my grandchildren.
Hello Jefferson ,
Not only is your content right on target , your genuineness of the subject matter is very appreciated .
Thank you !
You're welcome. Thanks for being here.
I'm neurodivergent and sometimes get called a liar when explaining after literally being _asked_ for an explanation (!!). Your vids are helpful for navigating a neurotypical world. Thank you
Your advice is excellent. For years, I chose to believe the lies told by an ex-boyfriend. If I called him out, he would get angry. At that time, my self-esteem was low and I was very vulnerable. I have since left the relationship and focused on myself.
Thank you! ❤
Thank you Jefferson. I had to confront my son in law recently cause he was lying constantly to my daughter and I caught him out. I remained very calm and did the silent treatment after I said my piece.
This is so helpful… often you are aware someone is not telling the truth but you don’t actually want to accuse them because then it escalates 💕💕💕
I try to avoid people that lie to me! It is usually habitual that goes on and on! Thank you really enjoyed this video!
Thank you for mentioning personality differences and such. A lot of people who've suffered narcissistic abuse tend to become oversharers. To many, they may sound like a liar, but in reality they're just working through some stuff. What I like to look for is whether the things they say _line up._ Now, again, it could be a memory thing, or a neurodivergent thing. Then you ask - Do their words match their actions? There are a lot of tiers to truly gauge. Maybe I trust too quickly but I'm trying very hard to be more discerning.
I’m real big on honesty. Sometimes too much but the one thing I love the most about always being honest is that there’s only one truth and I will not debate someone on it. I’m not gonna waste my time on someone that doesn’t trust me to tell the truth unless I’ve done something to make them not trust me and I’m also big on not using absolutes. I love that you mentioned that.
Professionals like him make a difference; they have vocation. What he states is always to handle situations to keep our peace of mind without being a doormat.
This is all priceless in dealing with most people . Narcissists do NOT listen. They will not let anyone talk if they're not with them . They talk over you all defensive , sometimes cussing. That's my tell tale because they don't wanna be exposed.
Far better than any psychologist! More power to you, sir!
Psychologists can do this too. It might sound a little different because we are usually less directive. We're trying to help you get there on your own, but we want you to end up in the same place.
I have to say that I’ve reacted like your description of a liar a few times, when I was telling the truth. Most accusers have been people I don’t particularly get on with, and one was someone I’d just broken up with and my irritation and anger at not being believed were probably made worse by those factors. I also think that my reactions stem from a couple of childhood incidents where I was falsely accused of stealing but was innocent. I felt humiliated and upset and never felt i was believed. So as a grown-up I see red when accused of anything I didn’t do.
I'm in the middle of a divorce from a liar and narcissist and I picked up some of his bad habits like getting upset when someone doesn't believe me. Working hard to get rid of them and this helps a lot to keep myself grounded - if I'm wrong, it's fine and doesn't make me a liar. And it doesn't make me crazy questioning someone or being questioned. Thanks for the video!
My ex never wanted to be called a liar especially when she lied. I think you’re right. Be graceful in exposing a liar and don’t feel the need to label them a liar whilst you do it
You literally described my situation from this weekend.
When i exposed her, I also said, "something was off" before I watched this video.
Now I need to deal with it. I've got my closure. We now go from there
Could you do a video on Gaslighting? Upper management gaslights frequently. When people quit, they think it’s because of the job, but it’s the way the CEO communicates. We all know it but she/CEO blames others.
Yes. There is one on gaslighting.
Go to the UA-cam channel and search under Gaslighting.
ua-cam.com/users/shortskE9gfZUp3tY?si=jcLTqadEdvoCsKVm
He has one
I love your handle. "When I'm 64" is a beautiful song.
I left my job of 23 years early because the manager who is suppose to handle emergencies was lying a lot. She didn't care about people only how much the price was. I documented her lies but I was tired of the bs.
I am so glad you mentioned neurodivergents! As someone on the Autistic spectrum I have a saying, "Whatever you're assuming I'm thinking or feeling, flip it the opposite way and you are probably right then." Believe it or not, this is true 95% of the time! One other slight observation: many times people who are in emotionally abusive/toxic situations that are being constantly accused and/or interrogated concerning trust issues may be quick to react with defensiveness and anger just due to the constant pressure to defend themselves and the resulting resentment and anger built up - NOT because of any actual dishonesty.
Also: What time did I get home? Did I go to the store? My possible answers: Which time zone are you referring to? Are you asking specifically or a time range? Which store? I went to "A" store but I need you to clarify please.
I just made a similar comment
I need these videos, thank you. Helping me center on my own dysfunctions plus disentangle from others. I want to live in peace and freedom in truth.
There’s this one chronic liar that sells stories to kill other's character. I used to believe her, then questioned her, then confronted her. Now I simply won't say anything and look away to show I'm not interested, and she'd stop instantly. Silence works really well in her case. Your tips helps me when I'm in position that I have to give a response in some more subtle ways. That’s wise and needed in relationships with colleages. Thanks so much.
I'm glad you stated that some people are just over-explainers for a reason. I've often been accused of, or maybe it's been assumed I was lying because I tend to over-explain and give a lot of detail. Growing up, my father and two of my grandparents were very demanding in their treatment of me and what and why I did this or that, what happened, why did I buy THAT flavor of gum (for me! - It's not even like it was something for someone else that was the wrong flavor). It was just endless. If I asked a question, It was met with defensiveness or dismissiveness, or I was told I had asked them the same question last week and what was wrong with me that I didn't remember? And on and on... I understand it was THEIR issues, not me, but as a child (and even as an adult) it is still very difficult and hurtful to be around others like that. SO...I'm so accustomed and conditioned to explain every minute detail, that as an adult, I find myself doing it still - ESPECIALLY if I'm being challenged or accused of something. Not only then, but I preemptively over-explain a situation so I don't get interrogated. I expect to be interrogated, so my brain thinks if I explain ahead of time then it will avoid the certain oncoming conflict. All that said, I do try now to catch myself because I know most people will automatically jump to the conclusion I'm over-explaining to cover something up. We see it on the true crime shows where the detectives say liars give very specific details...blah blah blah. I'm living proof that this belief isn't always true.
I can totally relate to what Jefferson said about feeling you have to explain, rather than give a straight yes or no answer. I do this a lot, & I will say this too because often I feel I’m being misunderstood. I just want people to understand. That doesn’t make me a liar.
I have the idea that it’s dangerous to catch a liar in a lie. The more you show you don’t believe the more dangerous it becomes. Hard place to get around in a soft easy manner.
Trust your gut. Some things are dangerous. Maybe that's where these non committal answers come in. Jefferson is protected by his position and the public forums in which he operates. You may have no such protection.
Yep! Snakes must eat rats and mice and you’re either a rat or a mouse once you know and… they know you know.
It is. My brother was caught and he was about ready to fight his face got red & tensed up and started screaming he’s the victim 3 inches from my face.. and every story he tells he’s the martyr.. i.e., he was firefighter short stint but saved a cat with mouth to mouth. Flew on a private jet. Not just any ole pilot no.. he was a pilot for def leopard and many more. He’s good at building himself up but yet sane time feel sorry for him. Saddest part professionals encourage this behavior but not seeing thru the bs & giving him his way all the time.
Thank you for explaining some people answer questions with long winded replies but are not liars. One of my sisters is known for giving long answers. Her friends preface their questions with "don't start from 1971 please". It gets a laugh from my Sis and the pressure off from feeling she has to explain everything.
You're so on point. I lived with a person who would always gaslight me and say, " I can't speak to you right now cuz you are coming at me too hot."
When all I was doing was trying to have a conversation.
Don't live with this person any longer. Thank goodness. I feel free now.
Thank you for giving out this information and being helpful.
You must win often your cases as a lawyer. Your psychology is incredible. Your tips are so helpful and giving you a big thank you.❤️🇨🇦
There’s a girl who I work with who tells constant lies and massively over exhadurates situations to make herself look either like the hero or the victim. Somebody complemented my work one day and she heard about it from another colleague, the next time I worked with her she said the person who complimented me said the exact same thing to her. Every time she does this I wait a few seconds, chuckle, and walk away. She doesn’t know what to do with herself.
I face this someone help my heart is heavy
Intuition always tells me💯 They dont like delay- love this!
Mm, I am not so sure your intuition always tells you 💯. I need some time to think about that.
@@christophera3330lol.
These videos and comment threads are better than therapy! lol. Thank you!
Thank you for your message today. I find myself over explaining to make others have confidence in what I am saying. I'm am not a liar, but now I will be better at limiting my conversation/ response. This will give me something to work on; just being more confident -> less is more. Truly grateful for your channel 🥰
You are so welcome. You've got this!
Brilliant! Now I understand where liars come from and NOT be disturbed ( not easy) and get them out of my life because they don't see the damage that they do.
A while ago I felt someone was lying to me and I started with investigating questions, to which he replied with 'this does not feel well'. With that he turned the case around and I was the bad one cause I didn't trust him. While I had proof he lied. So then he covered it with another lie, for which I had proof, but I let him get away with it by explaining those actions did not feel like him, they were not as I knew him. So at least he knew that I was on the right track and he'd better think twice before telling me a lie again. Next time I will use your approach!
It's so true. When dealing with a liar, defensiveness and fast talking gives the liar away.
I appreciate that your guidance is consistently respectful, clear, direct, and actionable. I wish I'd had such wisdom when I was a young adult, first navigating this confusing world on my own. I'm so grateful for your help now, thank you!
I appreciate what you're saying. I equally value your consideration of neurodivergent people, and people who feel like that they need to over-explain. Adults who were wrongly accused of lying throughout childhood are sensitive to being called liars, and tend to feel the need to cover their ground when they're integrity is in question.
Institutionally, the scapegoat of a family of origin is routinely disbelieved (both explicitly and implicitly) by their own family, and those whom they've recruited. The irony here is that the scapegoat's best friend has always been the truth, and always will be; so, they hold to it fiercely. Hence, they might be prone to upset when being accused of lying. Just a humble consideration.
GM, I’ve only been listening to your podcast for two days. I’ve already followed many of your suggestions. They worked amazingly. This curriculum should be taught in seventh grade in every school.
The world would be a better place. Thank you.
I love the silence approach- not only its impact but it gives us time to gather our thoughts instead of just jumping in from a reaction thankyou
Years ago, I had a Christian psychologist share to just say nothing. Amazing how silence brings out all kinds of responses based on their own false judgments and negative thought life. I teach psychologists and attorneys in my fitness classes. They all agree about silence. You have good clips!
Jefferson, Thank you so much for your podcasts. You have encouraged me to trust myself as I navigate through a long and frightful divorce with an extremely toxic and pathological liar. I have lived every scenario you mention. I am learning to stay calm in these situations that have had my head spinning in the past….the constant accusations that are obvious lies, the dragging out with the lawyers and changing agreements constantly, to suit his moods. As I prepare to go to a second mediation, I feel stronger and more confident in my truths and how to handle his constant lies. Thank you.
I will pray for you right now, for your healing and peace of mind.
I know it’s hard now, but you will be stronger on the other side of this. You will be more than ok. 😊
Thank you for sharing! It is difficult to not call someone out when you know they are literally lying to your face, but these are great strategies and alternatives I personally never even considered... The more you know...
Recently I had someone go into a rant about N. Carolina not getting aid from FEMA after the hurricane and flooding. I followed closely on events there, and presented different information. She went from 3 to 10, doubling down on her argument. I replied that "I think we both need more information. " and left . Thank you for confirming my gut feelings about the interaction. I feel better about cutting things short.
She's probably not lying. Perhaps you're getting your information from news outlets that are operated by liars... I suggest you consider the possibility that the news person that you're listening to maybe not be telling the truth.
To be honest a lot of people in North Carolina have not gotten aid, especially up in the mountains. It's a lot of neighbor helping neighbor and churches where people are putting in donations, to help out.
Oh, Jefferson, this is good advise when bringing up teenagers. This helps to diffuse heated conversations and possibly they will take the chance to walk back what they had told you.👍🏻👍🏻
I agree with most but I do want to say, I will over explain as a trauma response. Narcissistic abuse and I was married to someone that accused me of cheating or (anything he could think of) for years and continues this after the divorce so I can’t stand whenever I’m accused of something I’d never do!!
Such a great video, thank you. Honest people don’t mind being questioned. Anger and defensiveness in others is all the confirmation you need.
Thank you for the tip on how to answer complex questions that are not yes or no. As an over explainer, I have definitely struggled with how to answer those in a non spastic way. It’s a trauma response but that’s like a long story to explain to people that don’t understand why someone would struggle with answering what they deem a simple question. I love how you simplified the answer I can give, that is very helpful. Thanks, Much appreciated.
My wife does the same thing with yes/no questions. Not to hide anything, or to get anything off her chest, though. I think it's a mental process she has to go through in order to get to the answer. Reliving the experience and the process that led to what I'm asking. Whatever her reason for doing it, it drives me crazy, having to hear an entire story when all she has to say is "yes" or "no." I don't care about the story behind it; I just want to know if you put the peanut butter in a different place.
This is amazing! Communication is so important. We all need to have this masterclass. Would you please address how to handle a person who takes your concern and turns it around as if they're not the problem you are.
Over reaction could also be when an individual has been raised by a narcissist and since childhood have been told that the truth is a lie.
I can say truthfully I have never texted while driving. When I am in the passenger seat, yes I text. There are some people that do not text while driving.
Jefferson, you are a gift! Thanks for doing what you do; communication can be such a difficult thing and your clarity is so helpful.
April's question was a great one to choose; those in the neurodivergent community find this issue a big problem, as many of us feel compelled to contextualise our points. We need to follow the trail of our thoughts or actions because, for many of us, there is SO MUCH going on in our brains that focussing in can be extremely difficult otherwise. Sometimes, we just can't remember. Other ND communicators understand this, even if they find it irritating ("get to the point, already!") but neurotypical people tend to interpret this need as either making excuses or, less commonly in my experience, lying. Then, even though we know we are telling our truth, the reaction makes us feel doubted (and boy, are we super-alert to others' reactions!) and we go into explanation overdrive, giving an increasingly poor impression of our honesty.
Your tip here, i.e. to begin with the simple fact or basic information, the end result, if that is at all possible, will be helpful if I can do it. Can I ask, as an addendum, what you suggest if a neurodivergent person cannot actually remember the answer without going through the memory steps that led up to the information being requested? How can the ND community avoid the doubtful response from a neurotypical person without an intrusive explanation that, in order to respond, I need to retrace my steps due to the way my ND brain works? I wonder if you've ever considered doing a subset of podcasts with a ND content creator to support improved communication between NT and ND people?
We NDs know that misunderstandings can and will happen but NTs seem to think that if they said something, surely it will be understood as spoken. I suspect that's why we overexplain and they often lack important contextual information. Just my theory.
Thank you for your advice on giving a yes/no/factual response right out of the gate, before explaining anything else. I think people in my life will appreciate this. :)
The main reason is that narcissistic people believe their own lies. Pathological liars also believe their own lies. Just walk away and reomove these people from your life. They will NEVER, EVER admit to lying. You need to remove them from your life, even if it's a family member, close relative, or a supposed long- term friend. You will NEVER, EVER get any HONESTY from these people. This has been my experience during my 67 years of life.
I’ve always been in patient care. Ten years ago I transitioned to sales. Wow! Tons of liars and gas lighting. It’s really honed my ability to read ppl. Listen to my intuition. Etc. this video is awesome. Thank you.
You are wise beyond your years - I have learnt so much from you, thanks and keep it comming
thank you. it feels wonderful to imagine responding in these ways. I grew up surrounded by a lot of subtle lies & gaslighting , and the ways I tried responding to it felt disempowering and innefective. I'm very greatful for this clear wisdom wherein we take our power back without aggression.
I am also an over explainer like April. I know it stems from childhood issues of not being heard.
Perhaps this is the reason for many over explainers.
Over explaining is something I’ve been working on and aware of for years, but I hate to think that some people may think I’ve been lying.
I am the opposite when it comes to truth. The exact truth is very important to me.
Thank you for this video. Very helpful. Many times I say nothing when people lie, but if I know them well, I will call them out.
I see my approach is not always the best. Did I just over explain? 😊
I’m exactly the same!!! And no, you didn’t over explain 😊
@@April4YHWH
Thank you. I think over explainers should form a tribe. 😊
This is me as I’m listening to April’s story!!! I think it’s the virgo in me
LOL!!!! I am the same way and agree it stems from how we were raised, or how our family talks.
Over explainer and sometimes it actually ends up divulging too much hurts us even though every single word is truth.
My favourite retort is to simply say to them: "Oh, you're one of those people that's never wrong, aren't you." And walk away. They don't know how to disagree with that statement (because to do so would be to admit they are not perfect), yet to agree with you would prove them to be arrogant. Which they are. It's the perfect finisher. They have no response.
That would not work with my lying, arrogant sister. She has already said "I'm perfect".
Hey Jefferson. I always learn something from your videos. But I think there are situations where truthful people may react badly to being challenged. Specifically people who have been seriously abused and gaslit by aggressive people. That kind of trauma can cause a kind of instability when the stakes really matter. And it actaully deepens their distrust and trauma to be called a liar when they are not lying. The most common situation is when a victim of violence is not believed and flips out because they are then unable to get legal or persoanl protection from someone who has caused them serious harm. PTSD can also cause memory distortions that can be judged as lying.
I'd like to expand on this sentence you shared: "PTSD can also cause memory distortions that can be judged as lying." I believe there are other instances that can cause similar 'distortions' when sharing our experience. For example, Tim Walz said he and his wife used 'IVF' when they actually used a different infertility treatment. He also said he'd carried a weapon into combat and was in Tiananmen Square during the protests, when what was really true is that he is an expert marksman who is trained for combat, and, when he was Beijing - only two months after the historic event - the 'flavor' of the experience was still present, and he felt it. I understand Walz because I am a person who feels more deeply than the average person, and I've noticed that I sometimes stretch the truth in ways similar to Tim Walz. I am not trying to deceive, rather, I am trying to explain my EMOTIONAL and psychological experience, which may differ slightly from objective 'reality' (as in the Walz examples). Humans are complex. Communication is imperfect.
All powerful tips. Especially love "this feel off". I think that's perfect for a person still learning to set boundaries. I don't always have the confidence to 'say nothing', as I feel awkward.
These suggestions are so helpful. Thank you for your videos.
Great information! I'm glad you emphasized that this isn't a '1 size fits all'. I have people with Asperger's syndrome [ASD 1] in my life; they will over react and are prone to tantrums and meltdowns; it's coming from anxiety. Still hard to deal with, but it's helpful to see where they're coming from.
I’m not from Nashville, but I could have written Jefferson that note! I have the exact same problem and have been keenly aware of over explaining. I love the truth and want to make sure people have ALL the necessary details to make an informed decision about what I’m saying. My other problem is telling a story but not succinctly; I tend to jumble up the timeline, so I backtrack to fill in gaps. Horrible. Working on it, though 😊
Me to a Tee. I would love to learn how to see through all the noise to the key idea, the core issue or need. I get lost in details, addressing peripherals rather than the core idea.
Thank you.
In a world that seems to have turned away from
"truth/ lie" OR "black or white ~ no shades of gray" , your help is very valuable.
Thank you for all your good info. Unfortunately, the folx that need to hear this won't.
Great advice for ‘over explainers’ ( I’m one of them) to respond back with…”I can’t answer that question with a simple yes or know, can I explain”…or say nothing at all.
Another great tip, 🙏
Great video and advice. Thank you. One important thing you didn't dive into: what about the case where in that situation, this other person has "power" over you (a boss, a politician whose votes result in laws/policies that hurt me or people I care about, the custervice rep from a company that is denying some product or service that I need and should be getting or many other examples). Some of your examples given seem to be of situations where strength/power is equivalent.
👍I need to get back to this. Something sounds off.
This is great TY.👍
Get back to this.
Thank you for the caveat about neurodivergents!!! SO important. Consistently not being believed becomes a form of trauma.
Unless you have to legally speak to someone when you encounter someone who does not believe you you should not explain anything and you should not have further conversation with them
Yes!!! 💯%
Oooohhhhh! I just had an insight! Thank you so much! I always wondered why people accused me of being dishonest when in reality, unless my family and I would be in a danger, it’s almost impossible for me to lie!
This is exactly what my friend does, you sound crazy. You make up stories in your head. Or tells me I’m acting like someone else crazy. And the over the top is always and I ask why the voice is being raised. So good to hear my intuition confirmed. After five years I started not to trust myself.
Ive had someone tell lies about me to a close family member. Something that is from years ago, and never happened. Has caused me a lot of stress and dislike of them.
After watching a couple of your podcast, i just like them at the beginning. that's because i like YOU ! You are NICE ! I hope you are able to handle things as well when they are actually happening to YOU. I believe that you are, we have all been in positions where some one made us fell uncomfortable and it is good to know how to handle with grace rather than combat. Thank you
Texting whilst driving is a major criminal charge in Australia....as it should be everywhere. Having divided attention whilst driving is absolute insanity.
Who is driving while texting here?
Thank you. Saved to my business file. Gotta learn to deal with liars in negotiations, without escalating the outcome to something unproductive.
I appreciate this very much. You provide great information and examples/context that can be used in everyday life; whether it be in personal relationships or in the professional environment.
I need to practice being silent more often. The "a-ha" moment was "they will have that conversation for you." That's spectacular! I'm having this concern with an employee and this will be helpful, I wont have to outright accuse the employee just to be met with excuses, thanks to your tips! Thank you Jefferson!
You're very welcome!
@@jeffersonfisherI agree with the silence which I have done with co worker but they keep getting away with lies. Saying they have done a job duty but they haven't. IT feels like they just keep getting away wi
This is a guide for dealing with salespeople and all the lies they spin. It is also important for dealing with propagandists.
I always get value out of your podcasts.... thank you with appreciation.
Thank you, I am a bit Autistic and at 46, do not understand people very well.....straight answers to dealing with people are so helpful.
It’s amazing how much documenting your job requires.
I've watched a company lie and cover for each other and it was difficult because I was the middle man between them and my boss. After 23 years I retired last month.
Used to work for a major national company.
One day, 7 collegues and me got fired.
We had a WA group and somebody there had a picture of a leading persons screan from the day before, with her saying: 'Hell yes, I get to fire people again.'
Then a as a week later I went to return the badge. Somebody of leading said: 'We had no idea!'
I could only grin and watched her in her eyes! Sat myself beside her and changed immediately the subject.
Glad to be away in a company where leaders are psychos!
A liar can destroy people's lives.
Don't listen to crap that has nothing to do with you and can't be proven.