Every musician deals with this...
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- Опубліковано 1 чер 2024
- Sometimes even when things go right, you feel drained and empty, and that's ok. I had a great show at LPR with my band, but in the week that followed I didn't feel great. Wanted to share.
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0:00 Intro
1:27 Show prep
5:26 Tale of Sisyphus
7:33 Tempering the Emotional Rollercoaster
8:45...but I want to ride the roller coaster!
Songs we played that are showed in the video (only Run Away With Me has a recording, sorry, these arrangements will eventually be recorded for real!)
3:41 Rather Be
4:26 Don't Start Now
6:56 Here Comes the Boy x Castaways
9:10 Only Girl in the World
10:36 Run Away with Me
Jazzschool is...
Adam Neely - arrangements/bass
Jae Soto - featured vocalist
Matina daSilva - featured vocalist
Kate Steinberg - featured vocalist
Michael Sarian - Trumpet
Allison Philips - Trumpet
Jessica Stanley - Flugabone
Billy Duffy - Trombone
Zac Zinger - Alto Sax/Shakuhachi
Brian Plautz - Tenor Sax
Jared Yee - Tenor Sax
Josh Plotner - Bari Sax/Flute
Josh Bailey (other Josh) - Durms
Shubh Saran - Guitar 1
Tyreek Jackson - Guitar A
Eitan Kenner - Keys
(⌐■_■)
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Peace,
Adam
It's nice to hear an alternative to the strategy of detaching from your emotions. I'm glad the show was so good! That can't be undone!
Ahem but if one is a man it's like, human nature to detach from our emotions tho aMiRiTe? Lul (joking.)
yo Ben... I just wanna tell you that many years ago we played some back-to-back shows together in Prov and Boston (Bored with Four / Bent Knee). I was totally blown away by Bent Knee but that's not the part I remember most:
I was driving you and Justice Cow somewhere close by after we played @ Firehouse 13. The car ride was pretty quiet and we all sort of had that empty and tired post-show feeling Adam was talking about. Well, a few minutes into the ride you decide to break the silence by randomly muttering "...imagine if they called it JaPANTS instead of JaPAN." After about 2 seconds of silence we all burst into laughter. No idea why but that moment has always stuck with me. When I saw you pop up on UA-cam a while back I was just thrilled. I'm not surprised so many people love your work.
@@andrewfbrown this is such a Ben Levin move
It's funny, because the emotion of the performance is the release for me and results in a period of mental freedom afterwards that causes me to create more as it fades in order to not be dragged down by life's burdens, whereas for Adam and seemingly yourself, the performance is tension that causes that.
When I have such emotions, I kind of step back and tell myself it’s okay not to be convinced by them, but still acknowledge them and wonder about them. And realize how phenomenal they AND the act of being aware of them are.
Some more stuff that I didn't get a chance to fillm/put into the script.
1. This style of video of an essay/vlog with musical vignettes is a fun one for me to edit, but I'm not entirely sure I got the right...I dunno...vibe in the edit. I'm showing you me having fun onstage, but I'm talking about my feelings afterward the gig. I didn't film myself feeling sad or empty after the show, so the visual medium of UA-cam will might give strange dissonance between words and music. I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing, but maybe a...thing to think about.
2. Friend of the channel Cathryn Frazier-Neely (my mom) calls this feeling that's burnout but not burnout "re-entry" - you're re-entering your normal life, and it takes time to readjust. I like the term, and I would use it more often, but people have a better frame of reference for "burnout" and "emptiness," so I used those in this video.
3. Consider supporting me on Patreon, and join the Patreon discord! I normally have like a call-to-action thing at the end of my videos, but I thought this one was nice to have absolutely nothing and just let it end the way it ended.
www.patreon.com/adamneely
good video
re entry sounds like astronauts coming back from outer space. there's gotta be a profound difference between here and there. and that makes the comparison apt imo
Obviously everyone's their own biggest critic, but I thought the edit flowed well personally. It shows the contrast between how things appear and how they can feel inside. Great video as always Adam!
I think the video of the show gives a wonderful visual representation of your nostalgia of the build-up and final execution of the project.
1. It's not like you're depressed, but the moments you're recording yourself in your studio feels like a representation of the moment you're down, or at least the moments of calm
2. Try imagine what Brazilians feel after a year-long-planned carnival: it's not like that because right after one's finished they start planning the next - what's next is real but we as a society keep working toward the carnival in permanent-state
3. One day hopefully 😭😭
"Nothing matters" sounds nihilistic, but it can be pretty liberating, too
It _is_ nihilistic, but nihilism isn't inherently a bad thing. At times, being a little nihilistic can help put things into perspective and, like you said, it can be pretty liberating.
@@Zappygunshot you are like 40 words away from quoting Nietzsche
Yeah if something bad happens that thought can be comforting
This is true. It's okay to think that nothing matters to feel liberated, while still believing that life has a purpose. Its not really nihilistic
@@Zappygunshot If nothing matters, then EVERYTHING matters.... to someone. That's what I decided long ago
I totally get this. My band played once to a crowd of 3,500 people. It was literally insane. Probably the best performance of all of our lives. I felt like an actual rock star. Afterwards, I had guys coming up to me BEGGING me to give them bass lessons. The next weekend, we were in front of 200-300 people. It felt like the world had ended in comparison.
Adam Neely felt like what Joe felt during the movie "Soul"
The anticipation during the performance, then after the performance, you feel empty
Who's Joe?
@@LageUA-cam dont make me...
@@LageUA-cam don't think it don't say it don't think don't say it dON'T THINK IT DON'T SAY IT
@@LageUA-cam don’t say mama don’t say mama don’t say mama don’t say mama don’t say mama…..Joe mamaaaaaaaa…damnit
@@cautionninjas ahhhhhhhhh
I feel like it is the same feeling as having your friends leave after they came to spend the day at your house (especially as a child). It's like the sudden realization that you emerged from a good moment and it becomes a good memory. I feel like this conversion can be a painful process.
Anyway, thanks for the video, I think it's fantastic food for thought :O
Sisyphus learned to enjoy the trip down the mountain and watching the unpredictable unique path the boulder took on its journey
Our vocalist called it "the pleasant feeling of emptiness" after we had two gigs in one day. First of which went kinda meh and was cut a bit short, but the second, which wasn't even planned originally, went pretty well and we managed to play the whole set and still had time for an encore
I guess to me this feeling signifies that it went as well as iy could've go
Learning to feel positively about it might be the single best attitude one can have. After all, it's an undeniable part of doing something huge. And it opens up a lot of mental room for reflection :)
"'All of the negative feelings of a job well done"' - No better way to put it. Thank you Adam Neely.
Embrace the cycle.
I once heard an evolutionary perspective of something along the lines of "emotions have a purpose. perhaps the purpose of sadness is to provide a time of drawing away and doing less, of self reflection, etc." I feel that contextualizing the post-show blues in this way has helped me see them in a more positive/healthy way. These are necessary things to recenter myself after the intense project i've just been through.
That's interesting. A certain public intellectual figure recently deposited that the only good thing he's learned in all the years in his field is that 'meaning' might be 'real'; a biological drive that orientates and guides us not only through time, but also socially. If we 'serve' multiple masters (masters meaning ambitions, compassion, goals etc., the meaningful attributes of our lives) temporally and socially, then our sense of meaning... Becomes. It exists, it comes to fruition.
He underlines that this is a big deal, if true, because it's perhaps the only true opposition to the killer arguement that is nihilism (interestingly seen in this video where the groups reaction to this emotion is "nothing matters").
If this concept is to be taken seriously, perhaps this feeling described in the video is indicating he has to diversify is 'masters'. To put it simply, if you dedicate your existence, even if momentarily but intensely to ONE thing, this depressive feeling is the logical conclusion.
This rings so true to me . . .good post.
@@voodoodolll super interesting stuff
@@voodoodolll Have you watch John Vervaeke's Meaning Crisis series?
That is sort of the moral of “Inside out”.
I think the movie “soul” represents that “emptiness after achievement” really well
Man, that’s just a thought every musician has but no one talks about, even between colleagues. You nailed it adam, thank you!
cmon, its not EVERY musician...
a lot of musicians (like me) just feels the opposite: happiness and HUGE relief that the effort went well and it's over.
When does Adam Neely's Jazz Band come to DC?
Going to try to sit in?
I second this!
I agree
Oh so LegalEagle is an Adam Neely fan? This is awesome
What about Chicago??
I always described this feeling as "emotional exhaustion". I think it is also a common trigger for substance abuse in a lot of performers. Good to hear someone talk about dealing with this on an emotionally-mature level.
🤔 That would make sense about triggering other behaviors to replicate the big rush. In a BDSM dynamic, there would be a prescribed “after-care” for this drop from the heights of euphoria.
Both of your comments are tied pretty neatly to how our bodies work. As far as I’ve understood from reading authors like Sapolski, emotional lows always follow emotional highs, it’s just how usually our hormones work. Accepting that state, caring after yourself (treating to favourite food, watching good show, enjoying the company of trusted people) and not going into “I don’t feel good, maybe I did something wrong or poorly” is suggested as a good way of living through that state peacefully.
It sounds like you dont do drugs no offense. Many people today, start their drug habits as teenagers. I've seen it first hand, musicians who abuse drugs care more about being high than music. If you're a drunk when you play, you're a drunk when you don't.
Exactly.....I usually have to be alone after an epic performance.......I'm almost sick.......but feel great at the same time.
@@thechessclub8527 I think you misunderstand what I'm saying. It's true, if you're using, you're using. But I'm talking about triggers for people who may be trying to get it together. Coming off stage is a BIG comedown, and if you are sober (or even just trying to moderate), you gotta have a plan ahead of time of how you are going deal with that big emotional/spiritual hit.
Damn. I've been performing for 25 years at this point and this is the first time I've ever seen or heard this discussed. I thought it was just me that woke up the day after a big performance and felt completely deflated. Thank you so much for sharing this one Adam.
My hypothesis is that what we call “perfectionist types” when they are involved in creating they expect a reward on the part of the human race. If someone creates a drinkable water system in the desert they will see the factual reward in the form of many generations to come. With art the river is invisible. The nourishing still takes part. But it is an invisible river. People transit silently through the artist’s work. An artist duty is to drink too from what he creates. Its not “the date of the show” what gives it meaning. Is that it is new.
The rest is an illusion of wanting to cruise on that opus. Keep doing the new. The new is the meaning.
Thank you for your comment, the silent river idea is quite nourishing itself
that was very poetic and wel-expressed 😍👏👏
@@bairbrediamond thank you so much. I hope everyone keeps creating creativity.
Although I see what you mean, I don't necessarily agree. This feeling isn't unique to small artists, and it's not impossible to imagine how even the biggest international artists might feel that way too. And they aren't an invisible river. This also reminds me of the depression that follows a really good party. It might be just a psychological thing where once you reach something you were striving for, there's a feeling of emptiness that reflects the fact that there is nothing left to strive for. It's almost like the journey itself is more enjoyable and motivating than the end result. The bigger the achievement, the bigger the emptiness is because bigger goals give our lives more meaning (they are more important to us). But again, it's the journey itself that gives us meaning, not the climax. Once that journey is done, some of meaning from our lives is removed. There's a period of time after achievement, where our body doesn't know what to do next until we reorient ourselves and find a new journey to partake in
My high school choir teacher always spoke about this phenomenon after we had a concert. She called it "post show depression" and her ways of helping us deal with it was to spend a day in class reconnecting with each other and just hanging out. She also told us to get lots of sleep but generally, surrounding yourself with people who are experiencing a similar thing helps a lot.
Hey, I might borrow this strategy! Thanks for sharing it!
@@fheering no problem! Hope it helps!
This is the exact thing that 'Soul' hit on after the big show that he finally made it to when the main character is standing in front of the venue. (There were obvious parallels to the story and life too). "That's it" That part hit me.
underrated movie!
I really didn't care for that part of the movie, I don't like the conclusion the movie was dragging me to after that event. It felt really dismissive, like the lesson is supposed to be "shooting your shot is stupid if you can't already enjoy the simple pleasure of a fall evening" or some mile-wide, inch-deep stuff like that. Like let him enjoy the gig, he can still do all the other denouement shit without going "is that all there iiiiiiis"
Like, lol, homeboy shoulda watched this video before he got on stage that night
@@TypingHazard interesting, I’ve never thought of it like shooting your shot is stupid if you can’t enjoy the simplicities. I always took Soul as teaching Joe that his real life and purpose doesn’t begin with the Dorothea Williams show, but it has already begun by simply existing and enjoying other facets of life and that’s okay.
Although now that you mention it, it would have been nice to see him at the end of the film accept these gigs as a major part of his life that gives him purpose AND balance that with moving on after a gig to enjoying other stuff that makes him happy. There’s definitely some nuance there, but yeah Adam sums these feelings up perfectly
@@mariahclinkscales I viewed it more as a tale of getting so caught up in your "purpose" giving you happiness that you don't learn to be happy where you are. Joe's life is a binary of success: He either is a professional jazz musician or he is a failure. Life has a lot more nuance than that, and thinking that way is a recipe for misery. He meets so many people that "failed" in chasing their dreams, but they stumbled right into another opportunity, they adapted, and they found that they could thrive just as well, if not better than if they had just gotten what they wanted. I said to myself that everything pointed to how great of a teacher he was, not because of the garbage "Those who can, do, those who can't, teach" attitude, but because he genuinely inspired and encouraged growth as musicians in his most passionate students.
I don't think him making gigs a regular part of his life would have helped the ending unless he also embraced the other aspects of his life as well. Like I said, I really wanted him to embrace that mentor role, which he seemed to start to enjoy with 22. They left it kind of open, but I assume that's what he decided to do when he was returned to his life. Ultimately, I don't know that it matters, because the point was enjoying the journey, not living for the destination. We could both be right, wrong, or somewhere in-between, and I kind of like that.
@@thatonewriter8043 oh yes, you’re definitely right about him being a very inspiring teacher. That was a great aspect of the story that adds more to his character and his growth when he realized his power to inspire. Great explanation and I totally agree with what you ended with! It was an amazing film and pretty cool to hear that different people take away different things from it!
"All the negative feelings of a job well done." That's sure an evocative way of putting it.
Thanks for making this one. I needed to hear it. 🤘
same here. playing gigs, having a big presentation, organizing a festival, basically everything that needs dedication and passion... afterwards I often feel empty and useless. good to hear how others deal with this.
I just experienced the same feeling, even though my gig was much smaller. It was my first time playing solo keytar and singing microtonal pop songs. I'd practiced intensely every day for months to get this new thing together. And it was over in 45 minutes. Drinks at the bar, lots of hugs and back patting. Then the day is over, and I'm back in the real world a line cook in the same venue the next day. Thank you for this. You may have saved my soul a little bit.
Yo I checked out some of your stuff and it's awesome!
if you haven't watched Soul i would recommend it, it proposes a very interesting philosophy that's relevant to your situation and feelings.
@@WiresDawson I love soul. I thought it was gonna end bad though and it didn't!
@@lydianlights thanks. It all started because of Mr. Neely
@@lydianlights so did I thanks to this comment! For real if anyone else is reading this go take a listen!
This is a very inspiring video, thanks for talking about this. I have dealt with the grey myself a lot, and found the only way to let it go faster is to bury the high properly.
I'm surprised this doesn't link to your response vid, which i scrolled down here looking for... ua-cam.com/video/_uIQ_KAC7w0/v-deo.html
@@VynceMontgomery Thanks you! I did not want to feel like imposing, so I refrained from posting the link.
.... impeccable manners :-) love it. PS really enjoyed your answer video to Adam's Video.
I have to remind myself that the after-party is never as good as the show ;-)
I love your videos, man. idk why I was surprised to see you here, but it made my day
I am returning home by train, after a whole year of quite successful touring in Poland with various bands. Of course I am depressed and feel empty as you described it. Your video fell into my hands at the perfect moment. This is an immediate remedy for my state of mind. Thank you so much for your support!
Detaching from the emotion does not mean not feeling the emotion but to be aware that they are temporary ... to accept the high and the low as part of the same motion. Exactly what you said...embrace the emptiness as much as the "highness", while not be dragged by both. To be a rock in the middle of the stormy ocean.
The emptiness that you’re describing is something I’ve definitely experienced as well, and not just in regards to a musical performance. I do some disaster relief volunteering from time to time, and sometimes that will last for a while week. While you’re there it’s great, as you’re coming together with people who have the same attitude and drive for the most part, and it helps to quickly foster a sense of community. When it’s over however, it can be hard to go back to “everyday” life. In my experience you sort of feel detached and empty for a while, but eventually those feelings start to fade. The group I volunteer with is actually very good at helping people to deal with this, and they have people whose only job is to check in and see how people are doing after their volunteering is over. Apparently this is something similar to what veterans may experience when they return home, though I’m sure there are some differences as well. Thank you for making this video, it’s definitely nice to hear other people talking about it.
Well said Adam. I always compare it to the end of a thrilling movie, where you get so invested in the characters that seeing the credits roll makes you feel a strange emptiness, like you lost something close to you.
I'm finishing up a story that's taken me over a year (and almost 100k words) to write--like, "on the last three chapters" finishing up--and I needed to hear this too. I'm feeling a grief, not wanting to stop writing *this story*, not wanting to let the characters and scenario go... but I have to let them go, and go on to the next thing. which, ironically? amusingly? is part of what the story itself was about...
Playing live is something indescribable.
It's hard to articulate to people who haven't experienced it, what it actually is.
There is no where to hide when it happens for us.
As musicians It's something we crave, we miss, we fear and we feel empty about all at the same time.
I think musicians give of themselves (emotions, energy) during the performance and that's why they feel empty afterwards. Where does all that energy go? The audience soaks that all up and they take it back with them to their neighborhood/world and they share it. Thank you, Adam, for sharing yourself with all of us; we and the world are all better for it.
It's even worse if you're an introvert.
It's a super-amplified version of finishing the show you've been binging for a couple weeks and don't know what to watch next.
This
Hit the nail on the head with this
I get it, to a point.
I put as a more generic statement: The anticipation of 'the thing' makes you feel better than 'the thing'. That might be a gig, or a new gadget, or a new relationship. You work incredibly hard to make it happen and you know it's going to be the best thing ever. Then it happens and even if it happens without any problems, you'll still not feel quite as good as you thought you would when you were stressed out in the preparation period. The work you put in before the show and behind the scenes ends up being the most rewarding part of the process.
When it comes to gigs, I never really got the post-gig low because I always felt there was something I should build upon or do better. Plus, after my best gigs we always ALWAYS had a massive party afterwards and so the trajectory of the night carried on up. The low that happened the next day was indistinguishable from the hangover, but the videos of us playing and having a great time on stage are still real.
I understand that passion can have downsides and we all get a blue moment, but at this point in the world and in life surely just being able to play music live and earning from it is something that should be appreciated and valued. There are a lot of people out there who can only wish for all of that...
After producing an artist project, which is generally about a month's worth of work in my particular corner of the industry, upon turning the project in, there's at least 48 hours that I am rendered an emotional, useless wreck. I've always called it "project postpartum".
Was going to mention something to this effect, a sort of analogy to the postpartum depression of "birthing" a project after so long in "gestation".
I have to drive 3+ hours home immediately after doing shows in NYC, and that's a lot of "alone time", lost in one's own downward spiraling thoughts...
But the real trouble comes if you never snap back from it. I've been in a state of "musical anhedonia" for a few years now. I still go through the motions, because people count on me, and can still execute the "craft" of it, but I can't even listen to other music at this point.
Thanks for talking about this, Adam.
It's like scene drop or con drop, I think. Back when I was performing regularly, the band would spend the day after a show laying around, eating whatever we wanted, watching cartoons or old movies, whatever, to give ourselves a day to recuperate. Not sure if that's what's best for everybody, but it worked for us. Also, 30 people walking into a diner at 330am is therapeutic by itself.
btw I was at LPR for this show and the one person who blew me away more than anyone else was Kate Steinberg. She's just got that infectious energy, where she can get the crowd going while being, and this is the important bit, completely real and sincere. Hope she has a long, glorious career.
Yes, the drop followed by respective aftercare.
Thanks for sharing Adam, i can totally relate!
i wanna point out however that the Buddhist (and probably the Yoda) approach to detachment is not exactly the same as rejecting one's emotions. rather, it is neither rejecting, nor craving for them. it means to feel them with full presence of mind, however pleasant or unpleasant they might be. and this is pretty much what you said at the end... ;)
I second this. It's a common misinterpretation. The idea is not to detach from your feelings or even discount them. Feel them, yes *and* be ready to ask 'What's Next?'. Being IN the moment, means making room for EVERY moment, in its time: envisioning the gig, planning the gig, rehearsing for the gig, DOING the gig, the re-entry, and then being open for the What's Next. Getting hung up at any step is not healthy. This guy on your channel said a while back, 'Ever onwards and upwards.'
this actually comes at a good time for me. the feeling of emptiness i feel everytime i finish making an album or even get done with major exams is heavy and seeing that it isn't just me makes me feel better. i hope you're feeling better now and that you have a good time!
EDIT: this was written before i watched the video but sigma grindset coming from neely is fucking funny for some reason lol
I used to be an event organiser and I would experience a come down after every event. The best word to describe the emotion I felt is grief. It may just be me, but the grief I felt after every event was grief for the time that I had lost and the energy I had invested. You can't that time back and your soul knows it.
“Con Drop.” 💔
This personally reminds me of finishing an anime, book, or series that was really good. That loss of looking forward to watching the next episode, or, in this case, being excited to work on the project. You suddenly lose something that gave your day something to look forward to. Maybe it's a big part of why we always want to make a new, bigger, and better project.
we have our focus on the destination/climax, but its the journey that gets us there that is most important. This is why perhaps for many, paradise is considered the ultimate goal and life is the journey to get us there.
Adam, I just completed one of my first theatre shows "in the pit" and thought of your Berklee recital video. I felt so empty, even though people were telling me how great I did. Glad to watch a part 2 and glad I'm not alone in this feeling.
We ALL feel this. It's part of the job. You will feel this all your performing career. Congrats on the your first show!
man, that Don’t Start Now cover was SO hype.
True! I love that we're entering an era off "jazz" that has so much energy
@@Thesierrashow feels like metal jazz to me
@@giovanni21mas djazz
I attended this, and honestly it was just fantastic. It’s clear that you put insane levels of effort into this. Keep doing what you’re doing man.
This is so relevant to me. I just finished writing a novel and I'm stuck with this weird empty, anticlimactic feeling now that it's done.
For me the solution is to have several things that I get really excited about doing - so outside of classical music I do running, art and my (casual) folk band. What you describe also happens after a big race too, you can run amazingly well and get a massive PB then feel quite empty once back home and the endorphins have gone, but having several 'irons in the fire' means I can escape it by getting into practice for a gig or painting or another project that's sufficiently different.
Dear Adam, after finishing my looong PhD, I also felt empty.
However, as someone who climbs the winding steps of a (Medieval) round tower, from the upper floor (i.e., my PhD floor) I could see further.
Since the horizon was wider, I noticed how little I know, and how many things I could learn and do, only because of being in that place.
The finishing of a project is a new start!
Did they give you that hat when you graduated?
Same here. I felt so empty after my PhD.
God, I can't wait to feel that emptiness. I am so full of my PhD haha
@@Gusativo I feel your pain, my friend :) You can do it!
But can you ever *not* expand into that? 😉
"I know so little" can mean two opposite things. It can tell you that your ignorance is a problem or that the pursuit of ever-greater knowledge is a problem.
And if you can entertain both views, it might lead to something... interesting. 😉
Goddamn I really want a recording of that Only Girl in the World arrangement, that's so fire
Actually what I want is a whole jazzschool album, but we can start small haha
I 'member and I agree
yeah that breakdown(?) i was like holy crap
I love the overall sound of the drop-tuned distorted guitar and bass growling underneath the brass section, it's sick as hell.
Would pay large sums of money for a jazzschool album, don't start now sounded awesome too
i couldn't agree more
9:36 I actaully got goose bumps when Kate sang this part here! like actaully wtf your amazing !!!!!
I love wallowing in that melancholy and exhaustion after a performance. It’s a very centering feeling for me, not a negative emotion.
Love this! I just played my first paid gig, background music in a coffee shop, and once I got home I had a real "now what?" moment. I'd been focusing all my practice time on preparing for it and once it was over I felt like I lost all goals and motivation.
Post-show hangover is incredibly real for me. The best thing I’ve found to do for myself is take time in the lead up to the show to sort of decompress and just process the sort of feverish excitement that you get. You’re gonna have the lead up and the let down, that’s just how our life as performers goes. Sometimes the best way to mitigate the worst extremes is to be self-conscious and sit with the emotions you’re feeling. I’m with Adam that you shouldn’t try to try to stop yourself feeling the highs or the lows, because even if you could… there’d be nothing left
I have dealt several times in my life with clinical depression - in fact, I'm battling it at the moment. One thing I know is, not letting yourself feel isn't a solution. In the worst depression I experienced (the first one), there was a point where I wasn't feeling anything. There was no joy, no grief; just existence. I knew I was healing when I wept in response to something sad that happened. I felt alive again. We need all the emotions. It is a cycle, as you said, Adam, and knowing that makes it easier to deal with the difficult parts of it. Thank you for this video, and for all that you do.
Excitement, hormonal rush, crash (only temporary we hope). On to the next project . . . and repeat. Wired then tired. Biological responses we all have to live with. Interesting, thoughtful video.
I've had this "burnout" after multiple gigs and theatrical shows, so I'm so glad to see a video about this feeling. The biggest one I can remember is my high school band playing our prom after practicing for MONTHS ahead of time to give our peers and closest friends a great show, and it was amazing. But after that it was just... over. Luckily, I had a play production coming up to work towards, but the emotional drainage was still there. This video came at the perfect time for me as I'm applying to colleges and trying to get the most out of my high school experiences whilst fighting that empty feeling described in this video.
Thank you Adam. The clips from the show sounded great, and I'm glad to hear someone I look up to talking about this.
"What goes up must come down... but you can always throw the ball up again." -Adam Neely, 2021. Words to live by.
On a more fun note, I am loving this new cap look. Also there were so many good moments in that show. Djent remixes of pop, the octave pedal vamp on Castaways, all those 4:3 basslines... man it's so great that you can always throw the ball up again.
I can relate to this each week as a church musician. Sunday morning is non-stop mental juggling of everything from the technology, to singers, playing, ensuring everyone has what they need, then actually practicing and leading the music, all happening from 6AM till the moment after the music is complete before the sermon. I walk out the back door of the sanctuary and almost collapse onto the couch, drink some coffee and take 15 minutes to mentally reset before re-entering. And if something went wrong, all of the physical anxiety and sweat and headache that I have to shake off won't really for several hours. And when it comes to Easter/Christmas and special programs, those can be so incredibly stressful as the bar of people's expectations are so high for it to be beautiful and perfect that afterwards its basically a crash/burn and fall into bed, having gotten little joy from the experience itself while everyone else says how great it was. Not a complaint, that's just how it is and I roll with it. But like you said, you have to feel it during and I allow myself to process the crash in a healthy manner and rest up afterwards.
The great thing about art is the artifacts (recordings, paintings, architecture) that remind us the feelings of climbing up.
I just finished an undergraduate thesis, a massive musical work that took a year to realize something that's been in my brain since high school. For the past week I've been having... Certain thoughts, and it isn't until watching this video that I realize why. Thank you for always talking about the important issues like this, even just being able to identify something is the first step to actually tackling it.
Well, now I just have to figure out what's next.
On a different scale, I recently dealt with this. After two months of planning, arranging, rehearsing, delegating, communicating, etc, all in support of a holiday concert with an incredible 35-member concert band, I felt this emptiness where all the stress so recently was. Thank you for putting this into words and into a vlog, Adam!
So glad you deal with this. Its the main reason so many musicians end up taking uppers (to maintain the high)... then taking downers as they can't come down from too many uppers... on & on till addiction and maybe even death. It's a real problem and I've lost too many of my idols to it. Thank you, Adam.
Revisiting this video because I just finished a big project, felt euphoric for about an hour, and then nothing but emptiness. I think we must learn to love life ordinarily, and have a stable healthy routine that allows us to grow steadily, because we can’t rely on the highs no matter how high. That said, we should chase our dreams, just be prepared to keep moving on and find new ways to learn new things, because the question of “What now?” will always pop up, and you’re never done until the day you die and you’re satisfied with all that you have accomplished. Thanks Adam
I personally never thought of "letting go" as pushing down the emotional curve, but rather, being willing to experience joy _whilst aware that it is fleeting._ Which seems to be similar to what you're describing here. Just thought that was curious :)
The only thing that really gets me in this post-presentation valley these days is playing D&D, especially when I'm in the big chair. And since I am miraculously blessed with a group that plays almost every week, I've had _a lot_ of practice handling this. Once you know that the withdrawal is coming, you just... lean into it. Take a day or two off, let your brain float back to neutral gear and then get back to thinking about the next session. So, yeah, despite being two very different forms of expression, there's a lot in common here!
I agree, its not about NOT feeling the highs and lows. Its about understanding that both of them are fleeting and should be embraced and learned from while you are experiencing them. I have had better luck thinking about is as "non-grasping" instead of "letting go". Don't try to make those feelings stay, because you can't, enjoy the good when they are there and accept the bad, while knowing it won't always be like this.
Exactly. You must give yourself the time to live the down in a constructive way.
This is something that society does not let you do often. This and the fact that people truly believe that they should never be down no mater how high and fulfilling what they just lived make them feel. We don't value the importance of being down.
Very thought provoking! Definitely know the feeling...
On another note, that version of Don't Start Now NEEDS to be recorded ;D !!
I think it's also useful to view this "emptiness" as something that serves an important function, namely forcing you to think about what to do next. If we all just revelled in eternal happiness after a good event we would never get anything done
When I was in high-school I would get these feelings immediately when a concert ended. The second it was over I got that huge sense of dread and doubt. I miss the days. Maybe eventually I'll perform again.
I just put on my first show as a bandleader at Berklee, and between rewatching your old video on your Berklee senior recital and this video coming out at just the right time, it puts a lot of these feelings I've had into words and makes me feel I'm not alone. Thanks, Adam :)
Having been a musician and performer for almost a decade, and even when I moved into the corporate space, I always associated that crash as a symptom of imposter syndrome. It was hard for me to reconcile what the audience claimed was a good performance (or presentation) versus how much better I thought it could have gone, and knowing each and every note I missed or could have played (or presented) better. It's exhausting, and sometimes , depressing. But over time I learned to kinda shrug it off or bury it, worked on the negative, and learned to enjoy the positives. To me, what your professor meant was to be aware of the emotions and properly contextually where each emotion is coming from, and work on each emotion where it can be worked on. Sisyphus making it to the top is achieving perfection. There's no such this as perfection in music or performing or , I guess, in corporate life. Which is why we love it so much. Thanks for sharing that reality you've experienced.
It isn't just musicians. There is a larger picture to what you opened the door to in this video. There is meaning and there is substance, but not in the way most humans try to reach it.
Respect!!!
Talking of ones feelings is not something that is generally done - but it should be!
This is some real stuff. I haven't done any big musical projects but I know the feeling of working towards something and just feeling empty afterwards. It's like, "what I did should have meant more to me." And I thought it did until I actually did it...
Long-ish related story: one night we had a substitute bass player in one of my bands, and he had some kind of old unresolved (friendly) dispute with one of the sax players. He used to say he'd have liked to just smear a good old pie in his face. So I thought why not, they're going to play together just for one night so let's put an end to the dispute AND have a surreal side show :D
I secretly arranged a cream pie for the middle of the concert, when I announced the situation to the audience and presented the bass player with the pie, which he smeared on the sax player's face to everybody's amused astonishment. At the end of the show he told me that he was sad because he'd been excited for years at the thought and expectation of getting revenge and how satisfying it would have been, and I had taken it all away.
Adam, that feeling of emptiness after a lot of stress is very normal - even if you had a lot of fun. What you feel is a Dopamin crash. It's the same what a drug addict feels, when he doesn't get his next kick. Only it's less severe (usually). A common reaction on this feeling is to get more Dopamin. You do more things you like. Dopamin is commonly refered as the pleasure hormon. But that's actually wrong. It's the neurotransmitter, which is responsible for motivation and which makes you put effort into something. It's the stuff that brings you out of bed. Only one anticipation is enough that your body secretes the stuff. But Dopamin is also the precursor of Adrenalin, Norepinephrin, Cortisol and others. Adrenalin is a stress hormon, which activates your body and controlls your organs. Which is good at day time. But bad at night time - bad for good sleep. Norepinephrin is swcreted in your brain and is responsible for fear and flight. Can be good if you are in danger and bad if you are depressed. And Cortisol is responsible for inflamation and immune reactions. Can also be good, when you are sick and bad if you are not - allergies. So if you have to much Dopamin in your body at the wrong time of day, your body doesn't know how to regulate properly. It shuts down the Dopamin secretion and you go into depression. Adrenalin is usually wasted when you have it. And your body has to deal with to much Norepinephrin and Cortisol. You become depressed. You feel emptiness.
So it's actually a trap. If you only keep going and do not let the Dopamin in your brain and body get back in balance, you postpone the dopamin crash. If you continue with that you can get into real trouble, once you reach a burnout. Your body only tries to get the rest it needs. So take a rest more often. Get a good biorythm. Let your body regulate itself. Try meditation, naps or breaks where you do nothing (not even look at the phone). Sport can help as well. That's very important for your mental health.
There is a really good talk between Dr. Anna Lembke and Dr. Andrew Huberman about this topic here on youtube. I recommend you listen to it. It can help you - I hope.
Good luck, man.
Well said.
It's really important to remember that these are real chemicals that our body has to work with.
Good stuff Huberman is an awesome dude.
So in other words, not to detach, but a total acceptance of the experience.
I felt depressed for weeks after tour. It was really strange having a wild intense experience of show after show and then returning to the hum drum of office work and co-workers eagerly asking about how it went and you can’t really explain or relate. It’s nice to be able to talk to your bandmates about this stuff -brings you closer for sure. Thanks for making a video on this Adam
As an aspiring author, I struggled with the exact same feelings upon finishing my first novel. It was already a physical challenge, since I’d only written short stories up to that point, but it was also a great mental challenge.
Some days I would get really into it, I’d feel great about what I was doing and where everything was going, and I would ride that high. I thought, “This could be huge. This WILL be huge.” Other days, especially towards the end when things got complicated, I’d find myself dealing with bouts of depression. I’d put so much time and effort into this piece of work, and all I could think was, “What if nobody reads this? What if all of this is for nothing? Does this just suck?”
Thankfully, I did finish it. I took a well-deserved break after that before I started working on more short story ideas that had come to me while writing the novel. Not really the same as the “burnout” you described, but I absolutely identified with it and it was so nice to hear those feelings articulated so well.
Thank you, Adam.
Very often we are hamsterwheeling even when we think we're not.
Systemic neglect of resolving the pressure-imposers.
One of the very few things I like about the UA-cam experience and such, and I like it even though it kinds sucks, is when you put your best into a masterpiece and it gets almost no views, but another time you do some crude, stupid shit because you're fed up and burned out and it goes viral.
And then your mind starts telling you that it just shouldn't be like that. There are so many things you want to improve about it, make it good, or scrap the whole thing, and yet you keep it published because of how many views it gets, which is another teaser fact for spiritual liberation.
Those are the actual golden experiences. Those that makes up pause, ponder, stop us in our tracks, unbalance us.
"There are more things between Heaven and Earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy." - Actually, you'd be shocked what stuff is going on in front of your nose. You'd have to go silly and look cross-eyed to start the journey of discovery.
Another way to interpret the Sisyphus myth is that the boulder gave him purpose, and so he didn't want to get the boulder to the top, he didn't want to be finished...you know, it's the journey not the destination that we should derive happiness from, etc.
When the brain has that project to focus on, to fixate upon and expend its energies planning for, it's as happy as a cat with it's favorite toy; even when you're not actively thinking about it the brain is running simulations of what might happen and feeding you ideas about how to prepare. Then it actually happens and you get that rush of euphoria and excitement and adrenaline and it carries you up into the stratosphere. But then there's the comedown. Once it's over all of that energy the brain is so accustomed to using has nowhere to go and it leaves you feeling aimless and depressed. You've been running so hot that anything near normal feels like death. The closest most people come is post-holiday letdown, when a celebration they've been looking forward to is over and they're left with ennui.
There is nothing like performing, being able to play music with people, sharing your energy to the band, the band giving their energy to the crowd, and the crowd giving their energy to you. You're all one in that moment and it's a rush like nothing else. I wouldn't want to NOT feel that anymore. I guess the price of admission to the roller coaster is taking the lows with the highs. And it makes me want to find the next high, the next show or project to do, to give my brain what it craves, what I crave.
People say "it's not the destination, it's the journey." But with music, it's BOTH; when you get to where you're going, you get to _play._ I don't want to give that up.
Very true! I would recommend watching the documentary about Quincy Jones!
As a music student in finals week, I need this.
I'm going through an extremely tough breakup right now.
This video strangely helped a lot.
Thanks :)
'Joy is the pleasure of not getting what you want.' is what this makes me think of. The living up towards something sometimes seems to be more joyfull then actually having managed the thing/event. Quote is by Pete Rollins.
In other words, I feel you man. After every tour and every release and every big event.
I just finished a 28-month long master's program. Lots of highs and lows. I've been trying to mask the emptiness by staying busy, making calls, watching videos... but I think I'm gonna stop trying to run from it and just feel it for a bit. Thanks for talking about this Adam.
i’m an outdoor adventure trip leader and have a similar thing we call “post trip depression”. Since it’s such an emotionally powerful experience it also drains you and all that time spent doing whatever thing is now over.
I thought too emotions work the way a pendulum does, but then I realised, that was probably just me not used to deal properly with negative emotions. Now even in a time of a greatest sorrow I know there's much more to feel beneath - love, memories of past joy, the sole feeling of being alive and being able to perceive life right now with all its beaty and detail - even slightest hint of these feelings make any burden bearable. Also you are hearing The Lick now, i don't even need to play the audio.
I'm about to do a Christmas service in my church tomorrow morning, playing bass. And this video makes me think about things. But to be honest everytime I finished a project I find myself able to bounce back pretty quick from that feeling of emptiness, the feeling of losing your purpose that've driven your life for a couple of months. But maybe that's because I'm not a full-time musician, and I have my family, communities and works to shift my focus on. So, I totally agree with your point, always ask yourself "what's next" and keep moving.
Thank you for the loving and wise words Adam!
This is not burnout to my understanding. This is more like "birthing loss" that some mothers experience. Not to say it isn't real and any less important. I'm glad he starts the video with this clarification. I hope it's not too hard on you Adam!
I experience this albeit on a smaller scale every time I release a song. I’ll put it out, and all the excitement I had dies in the span of 10 minutes and I just feel kind of dead for a couple days.
Adam, I've played gigs since 1967 and do feel this regularly. It's the "now what" feeling, it's over and a moment (evening) in time. Since we are directly involved in the performances, we are usually ready to do it again. (I've lost my interest in sports because I have no input in the game and when it's over, it's over..).One way to mitigate is to do it again in a week. After a few weeks, the highs are not quite as high and then it's OK to have a change to the program as it gives us something to look forward to and avoids the burnout. Thank you for voicing what many of us go through!
Thanks for the honest and vulnerable video. It got me thinking about my own way of dealing with these kinds of things.
I watched a lot of Behind the Music with my Dad as a kid, and I asked him why so many rock stars do drugs. He told me that it feels so amazing to be on stage that a comedown when you step off stage is inevitable. He never played music, but was a DJ in his youth, so this may have come from experience. In my (modest, amateur) music career, I've experienced this too. A good set makes me want to pound two beers the moment I get off stage.
I had a therapist once tell me that I was sensation-seeking, which can often lead to addiction. Their advice was to cultivate an understanding of the finer, subtler emotions. Connection, quiet enjoyment, and even the soulfulness that comes with sadness. There's no point in avoiding intensely good emotions or experiences, as you're just avoiding joy to avoid pain. But if you can find other kinds of joy in between the shows (or whatever the peaks of emotion are for you), you can fill the valleys with something meaningful.
"Drop", and/or malaise.
Personally, without lows we can't have highs, the contrast gives emotional perspective; also if life is all dull, then we become overly sensitive to ridiculously minor things rather than balanced. Another factor in this though is schedule, if there's another performance around the corner, there's work to be done, little time to wallow.
I felt this way after a show I played last weekend, and that was only in front of about 20 people or so. I think a big part of it is also the stage my band is at. We just formed over the last year and haven't played in front of people too many times. A lot of our show is original music written mostly by myself and my guitarist so there's even more of my heart and soul that's being put into it. I guess it's kinda like a sensation of vulnerability. What helps me is to have another show or project to start working on. Keep up the good work Adam, I love your channel!
The low can only feel so low because the high was so high. The high is worth it.
I like your advice here! :) I don't have as much stage experience as I'd like to have, but what generally works for me with great projects is to have a party no later than two days after everything's done, ideally on the evening of the day after. And if that's not possible, at least get together with some friends immediatly. Even if that means Discord. Sharing what the high felt like helps turning it into an even greater memory and fills the void that comes after with gratitude.
I've noticed that I get hyper critical of my own and others playing right after a gig, but have found that when I take a few days off before looking at videos and/or listening to live recordings that emotion switches to hearing only the great moments and positive things that were played. I relate this to my Wife's explanation of the experience of giving birth where her sole focus was doing the moves necessary to complete the birth, ignoring the pain, but then instantly forgetting the pain and tiredness when the baby is handed to her. Great video, as always.
It completely echoes in my mind for me in this time, I just feel that I need to bounce again after what I did.
I completely agree with your "solution", my way to mitigate is to think of the whole cycle, as I feel as an outcast, cause we as artist are outcasts ☺️
It’s to do with dopamine. Andrew huberman has a great podcast on it. When your in the middle of an event like this, your brain of flooded with dopamine, and the receptors get blunted, causing a lack of dopamine in the days following the event. This can cause you to lose interest in things and feel unmotivated
i think what you're describing is close to the feeling you get when you come back from a vacation back to your old life with work/school. i hate that but i know the worse i feel the more fun i had during the vacation
There is the psychological aspect to this, as Adam describes, but there is a physiological one, as well. Performance involves an adrenaline rush for many of us, heightening our senses and cognition. It's demanding. Afterwards, our bodies -- and minds -- need to come down from it...and recover.
Love your work on stage and in these videos. I hope you can feel great about all of this.
Super interesting topic! also dude at 1:15 is so sick
I feel this. I just spent the last 2 years recording my first album. It’s mastered, sent for distribution and will be released mid-January. The next 30 days are going to be hard to navigate. But at least I can start thinking about “what’s next?”
I have felt this emotion so vividly before. Spent months organizing and preparing for a small little gig I was putting on - memorizing parts, logistics of band and sound equipment, practicing for hours a day - and when all was said and done, the gig was fine. Nothing phenomenal, but with hindsight, considering I was 19 and had never put such an event on, it was something to be proud of, even though my voice cracked and bassist forgot the part to the song I was most looking forward too. However, the day after I felt absolutely terrible about the whole thing. Ashamed even. I chalked it up to the fact that not many people showed up, or that I was guilty because I wasn't able to pay the band much, or just embarrassed because I cared so deeply about a thing that no one else seemed to reciprocate. It was a vulnerability that I deemed not worth reciprocating in the same way, so I made a list of all the things that I thought I had gotten 'wrong,' and swore that I would never play again if it meant doing one of those things. Well, I haven't played a gig in the three years since and I don't think that's quite right. Mitigation isn't the best way, I don't think - If the highs require the lows, well, give me both!
Thanks, Adam, for the thoughts :)
Yes yes yes! That feeling I could never figure it out what it was. It's an odd kind of calm, relief, reflection, anxiousness of "well ,what do I do now?"