The lethality of loneliness: John Cacioppo at TEDxDesMoines
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- Опубліковано 8 вер 2013
- In the spirit of ideas worth spreading, TEDx is a program of local, self-organized events that bring people together to share a TED-like experience. At a TEDx event, TEDTalks video and live speakers combine to spark deep discussion and connection in a small group. These local, self-organized events are branded TEDx, where x = independently organized TED event. The TED Conference provides general guidance for the TEDx program, but individual TEDx events are self-organized.* (*Subject to certain rules and regulations)
Even when i go out and surround myself with people i still even feel alone then because i see people in groups talking and laughing and it makes you feel even more lonely sometimes
So,I'm not the only one....
+Alpen Jodler no you are not
+Nick D Yes it's possible to be lonely whilst surrounded by a group of people. Then trying to socialise with them (and ultimately failing) makes you feel more alone.
+Nick D I feel the same way.
Every time I go out, especially at summertime, I return home depressed after seeing couples and groups of people having fun together all over the place..
The thing about reaching out for connection when you're lonely is that you are likely to be feeling more needy than giving when you're lonely and that neediness can easily repel others.So you end up feeling even more lonely and isolated. I wonder why he didn't acknowledge that dynamic in his talk.
I think this is a very good point. One has to somehow not be lonely first so as not to give off this energy but it ain't easy. Somehow, somewhere the momentum has to start someway.
I agree with you 100 percent, but the mindset is wrong. I do this myself. But why assume that no one is willing to help you? If someone asked you if you would keep them company, because they felt a bit down, would you ignore them or tell them to go away? I doubt it.
I know the feeling of not wanting to be an inconvenience, but you've got to realise that you really aren't.
I'm not assuming that no one is willing to help or keep me company. I find that people are busy. Really busy. They rarely even talk on the phone any more other than to pass on information. Texting small "bites" instead. The occasional cup of coffee together does not satisfy loneliness any more than a few crumbs will satisfy hunger.Spending time with people you have nothing in common with, just to be around people, doesn't meet the need for connection either. I find all the devices that are supposed to keep us "connected" have changed the very nature of what "connected" means. Being "friends" on social media is not the same as really knowing and being known by a true friend. I mean, here I am anonymously talking to complete strangers, that i can't even see and know nothing about, about feeling lonely.
damn ik I'm late asf. But this comment is 100% facts. Speaks to me completely.
maybe...cos once you Realise this..you can work on it & rationalise it down to size day by day?..or..once aware it is happening we can get out of our own heads, out of our own way..stepping outside of self to help others is a good way to feel needed & yes..many will love us for it & you can love em back...aint romantic love..but it's love...and just might keep us alive till we find what we are looking for....imho...no..im not smoking anything(wish i was)..lol..im just older than dirt & been in this place for a might..long..time
It's better to be alone than be surrounded by people that make you feel alone - Robin Williams
Said the guy who killed himself
@@jessicah7788 You are a Troll. Your types need help. Rad some of the comments here. Robin had horrific depression and lost his battle with it. Go back to your Troll cave
@@utistudent099 ok
He also had dementia diagnosed and understandably didn’t want to live with a stunted mind. Very sad 😔
He was right, but it is better yet to be surrounded by friends. That's the point of this talk, and it's one that's hard to argue with.
Sure, loneliness sucks, but you can still feel lonely in a crowd full of people, especially if you feel fundamentally different from everyone around you. It can also be worse if you surround yourself with toxic people who drain your energy. In that case, isolation looks more tempting, because you can put yourself in a situation where you get the hell away from them. I think it's all about finding a healthy balance between solitude and the company of others, and keeping the dysfunction to an absolute minimum.
6672rock truth
6672rock Well said.
6672rock I think it's more about recognising those toxic relationships, cutting them loose, then replacing them with real, mutual relationships.
SikGamer70 That's a part of it, but solitude has its place, too.
6672rock What a wonderful way to put it. I think it can be very toxic to be near negative people, and 'isolation' can mean amazing solitude- you enjoy your own company and are content and are away from people who drain you. If you are comfortable in your own skin you can see people when you wish, meet people on the street, but also enjoy your own company.....Isolation can affect people where there are hundreds around you, if they simply don't care.
I am alone way too much. But I am very good at not letting it bother me. I laugh at myself a lot. I cook. I clean. I create something. I meditate. I stretch or exercise. I go on long solo hikes on mountains where no one else goes. I sing to myself, or I just sit in silence and experience the loneliness to it's fullest. I'm good at lonely.
haha just what i do, in a slight different way
I'm good at lonely too, but somewhere along the line is it just us convincing ourselves to feel better about it cause sometimes i want someone there just to feel a presence of being cared about. This guy is absolutely right though loneliness completely changes how your brain works, specially when you get back to a social environment you feel less inclined to make connections. All i know is my loneliness stems from feeling like all my relationships have been superficial and it's better to be alone then to go on pretending that we all give a shit about each other, maybe it's my skewed perception or having too many expectations.
Jamie Kawamura
Well we only need one or two quality relationships and that's more than enough in this version of the life we built. However people's fear from each other and this division is something that needs to be fixed. We need to build a sense of community again, where people aren't shitting their pants at the end of the month cause there is no money for food, where we build on talents rather then destroy them. The whole idea of it takes a village to raise a child needs to come back or I'm not having kids so they can deal with other loveless lonely people.
I agree. Except that I never have brown underwear at the end of the month. We live in a world of abundance. Not having enough, is directly related to flawed thinking.
How would you like to be friends?
Jamie Kawamura Yes, but I think those expectations are standarts that we have. And I don't mean just standards stemming from some narcissistic arrogance, but are rather what we need in order to fill that hole. I don't think forcing yourself to have lower standards/expectations will solve the problem.
Apparently. All I have to do when I am lonely is "get connected" Dating and Meetup websites are horrible. No one informed me that everyone would forget about you once you entered your mid 30's. Your friends and family start families of their own and you become the odd man out. I imagine this will only get worse as I get older. I would say the most lethal part of loneliness is the suicidal tendency.
Try finding a hobby that you can immerse yourself in. Then look for others that are into similar things.
I agree, one thing that's helped me is salsa classes and moving back closer to family. Hell if I had more money I would move my parents with me because I hate being lonely, and its been something I've dealt with since I was small. I'm pretty sure there are some social areas that you can go to and meet great people you just gotta take the first step and get out there.
This lecture does nothing to help those of us that are introverts and or depressed.
I myself have suffered from lack of self-confidence,self-esteem,loneliness and depression.
Due mostly to being bullied and beaten by my peers in my youth.
This retards your social skills.It has left me being a voyeur in life.
Words definitely hit harder than any fist.And the effects last your lifetime.
The lecturer does nothing to help us.
+Paul Hecker I'm sorry to hear about your ordeal growing up and your lack of confidence. Have you considered taking up martial arts, or doing something strenuous or challenging?
Phillip Gomez Good point as far as an activity that is challenging. Bodybuilding has also been a great confidence booster for me and one doesn't even have to leave the comfort of your place to get started. Once you improve you baby step your way to a gym or even crossfit places etc...
I am 35 years old. I was born with mild cerebral palsy. I have no peripheral vision. All my life I have been bullied, rejected, isolated, beaten up and so on. Even my relatives don't like me just because of my disability. I am always lonely no matter what I say or do. I never had a friend or a girlfriend. I still don't have a friend or girlfriend. I can draw pictures of animals and video game characters, I can write poems/songs/speeches, I play the keyboard by ear. I can make PowerPoint presentations.
+Samson Gunawardena Hello Friend :)
+Ellen Cox hi
I want you to know you DO have a friend! How are you doing these days ?
+Ellen Cox I am not sure on how I feel anymore. All my life I have been rejected, bullied, beaten up, isolated and so on. Do you have Twitter?
+samson gunawardena hi
I think Ive been lonely for most of my life, Ive never felt like i was able to fit in anywhere but the older i get the more numb/accustomed i become to it. I think that's a problem. :/
Itsvictorslife how old r u?
His & Her Story Me too.
His & Her Story me too
i feel the same way. im trying to do something about it. but i keep isolating myself
My story’s overthere.
It's a lonely world. Especially because we're trapped in our own heads. The mind is potent, and ultimately, we are alone.
+C Lebs "The mind is potent and ultimately we are alone." Non sequiter. How does the conclusion follow from the premise?
because happiness is in the mind? where you get your hapiness ohh wind just picked up xd ;p
no, listen.......''notice your mind working,
as it plans for the future, visits the past
now take those thoughts and set them aside,
focus your attention on the WHITE LIGHT
that is your breath''.
.....tuvok to a trained killer that he has compassion for/with..................................................come back good buddy
The sad part is most of the people watching this are lonely, but fortunately, this comment section is like a great family with useful tips and support. Take care everyone 🙂
The problem with admitting we're lonely is that people will capitalize on that and try to deceive us into believing they care about our plight, when in reality, they're just toying with us the way a cat toys with a mouse. No one wants to *need* other people because that would imply we are at their mercy, which leaves us vulnerable and at a disadvantage.
I agreed
Which is exactly why we need to admit that we are lonely. Hiding from it only further stigmatizes it. We need to make it normal to want to connect with people, and the only way to do that is to make that desire visible.
I do not think you should tell anyone about your loneliness, we are not in a fairytale; it is real life, if you do so, people will label you and put all the pressure and make you feel like the worst person in the world; I know, I have been there.
Stop trying to pretend someone really cares for you, when nobody actually wants you anywhere. Stop trying to see genuine kindness where there is not such thing.
Damn!!! Just stand on your own two feet, walk alone and face the world with intensity; it will make you feel alive more often than not, and all that shit will transform you mind, making you psychological stronger than ever.
I have been neglected my whole damn chilhood: my parents were struggling all the time, because my father was an alcoholic, to the point I started to be vulnerable at school, and those little demons (classmates) started to take advantage from it, they would start a fight just because I was quiet trying to study, they said I should play like everybody else; and when I tried to play, they would call me of Easter Bunny, and punch me, because my teeth, back then, were not totally straight.
To the point I finally started to believe their words and began to feel pointless and ugly.
Then, Highschool came and, at the same school, I could not make any bonds with anyone, so I was the lonely weirdo that everybody talked about - I remember freezing/ dying inside everytime teachers would ask to make groups.
But here I am today telling you this, which means I survived. Many times it was just my ghost holding on, I was completely dead inside, did not feel a thing anymore. But I am freaking alive.
After that, I just do not let anything or anyone get in my way; and if I want something I just provide for myself.
And the most important thing I have learned: loneliness does not make you vulnerable; a weak psycologic does. Of course, you will carry the scars with you, like I do, but it is not a bad thing; trust me: those scares will set you free when you embrace them.
Set yourself free!
thx Kylow u give me strength
Too bad all the lonely kids couldn't all be friends...
This was all good until the end when he made out that making friends was as simple as quenching your thirst by getting a glass of water. It's not that easy.
@J B I didn’t hear it as easy. I heard it as you may not have done this before, it may feel uncomfortable, but try something to pull yourself out. My thoughts on things that might help me (when I go there) volunteer, reach out to a friend, get some rational-emotive-behavioral training.
@@lauraw.7008 exactly!
This is the reason I'm paranoid at all times. I can literally feel it wearing my body down. Like it's falling apart.
If loneliness increases your odds of an early death, than how the hell am I still alive??
BayCityBlues - "increases" odds, not "determines" outcome.
I'm 70, so that doent apply. I stay alone on purpose. Abusive relationships got me here. No trust.
I was feeling lonely then I watched this now I'm depressed as well!
Hahaha
@@yoabel2856 made me laugh as well
It's very depressing, tells us we will die early.
I'm never alone. The voices in my head keep me company.
Hahaha
relatable
They're my party and my tharaphist after days of dealing with others. Or am I off track?
A false reality... your brain has tricked you... smart. Be smarter and get a few more friends.
Gee
I haven't had a friend in 2 years. I'm really depressed about it because I want friends I just don't know how to get any. I stay in my apartment alone all day wasting my young years. I've had chances of making friends I just can't make connections. It's like I'm defective. Ive given up and cry myself to sleep. This video made me feel worse.
I feel similarly...we should chat
Haven't seen my old friends in 6 years now, thanks to social anxiety disorder and otherwise being ... defective as you put it. It was hard even before that.. And now I'm 32. Feels like everything I wanted to do is going out the window.. No loved one to look back to our youth together.. No parties with close friends or a surprise party set by friends who care for me. No togetherness in my youth... Now I'm awkward old guy for the rest of my life and I might aswell die now.
I have become almost totally isolated also do to an anxiety disorder and Major Depressive Disorder, I mention this only to let you know I can relate to your sense of hope and if you are interested, maybe chatting with each other could do both of us some good. Just let me know.
chat helps
i am the opposite. people have wanted to be my friend but i push them away. i rather live on my own terms and not conform. with friends, you must. if i want someone to talk to, i go by the gym or some crowd gathering.
Fascinating. This explains why people are more attractive when they're in happy relationships - the fact that your brain isn't in defense mode makes you more empathetic, less self-centered. Excellent takeaway lesson.
Is this why many women prefer married men?
If loneliness kills, then everyone around me should be charged for murder
Hahaha ;)
So noone is getting charged
+TheMusicboy316 sissyboy. deal with your loneliness in silence like the rest of us or go get some friends
+Eddie Whitehead I'm not. Which is why I'm wondering why in the hell no one is interested in my friendship (hence my comment). I'm extremely active in activities, give help to others, plus I'm fit (so I'm not unattractive) and travel around the nation from my job (so I'm not boring), and yet still no one bothers to keep a strong friendship with me, even if I try to keep it alive by myself
***** I don't remember the last time I slept at someone else's house. I've literally spent 365+ nights in my bed consecutively. The photo i from 2013 when I was surrounded by good people, I chased them off somehow.
"get connected"- easier said than done
Loneliness is not a hindrance to me. I learnt how to co-exist with my loneliness and take advantage of it. Loneliness has allowed me to learn more, which is highly beneficial. The more you learn, the more you earn. Me being anti-social has helped me pick only the best of people I can trust. I know its sounds weird, but it's actually true. Being anti-social means you don't prefer to talk to or being in the presence of people. However, there are certain people that you can tolerate talking to and being with, people who share interests with you or perhaps understand you. Such people can become your friends. In a nutshell, being anti-social can make you filter the best of people to rely on.
+Evil Minion absolutely...i can simply resonate with you...
+Evil Minion I think it just depends on the individual. I'd still say having some social interaction is healthy for every brain. Like with all things, there must be balance. The question is, what is the balance for a certain individual?
+Evil Minion Pet-Peeve: People not knowing the definition of anti-social
+Evil Minion Excellent
+Evil Minion I'm like that too. I don't care for "small talk" or "chit chat". I don't watch stupid TV shows, so I don't want to hear about them. I spend a lot of time learning things. It stimulates my mind. I chose people who think for themselves.
I am always complaining about people, I don't know if I am the problem or they are. I try to be friendly and to listen to them, but they never listen to me, they just talk me when they need some thing, but then they ignore me, is like i don't exist for them, that' s why i' m always alone, and i have no friends. I feel that i don't fit in anywhere, i can' t find a job, the most of my jobs failed, besides I hate what I'm studying now, it sucks, i just can't find my passion, i don't know what the hell is going on with me...Is just that I can't relate to people, is this really a disease? Because I feel like a freak.
The way you're feeling is actually quite normal, since the society and world we live in encourages people to disconnect from themselves, which makes it impossible to connect to others. You're not a freak, just disconnected from yourself, and have probably been messed up by misguided people. As for people not listening to you; well, they're probably also overwhelmed, and have trouble hearing themselves. By listening to another person, you give them a chance to think through things, and start to hear their own voice. Still, if you're lost, you need to learn to listen to yourself. Otherwise, you're not going to be able to help others find the right questions.
You can change your situation. Start by taking 'baby steps', each moment one at a time, to move toward mental and physical health. (Even if you're not physically 'unhealthy', a good diet regular exercise is important for mood regulation.)
Step 1: Stop complaining. That itself can prevent you from taking a critical look at yourself, and prevents you from being empathic with other people.
Step 2: Start taking care of your body, environment, and mental and emotional health. It's really important to connect to yourself and understand who you are. Otherwise, you're likely to attract other 'lost' people simply become more lost in the social world.
Step 3: Study the way you interface with the world. At night, before going to bed, think through and write down everything you did that day, and how you felt about things. (Note: this can take hours every day; I think it's worth it.) Over time, you'll start to see patterns in the way you think, feel, and act. Then, you can start making decisions about who you want to become, and intentionally form habits to become that person.
Step 4: Start living the life you want to live, and invite others along on your journey. (I mean this literally: once you figure out what you like to do, invite people to come and join you.)
Good luck!
Thank you so much... I know that overcome all this is gonna take me time, but I can get it. I used to write down a diary, but I left it, because I felt that write down about my life was boring, I mean nothing exciting or amazing, however I used to feel better than before, it was like leaving your troubles on that page and then just "turning the next page" and start again. I guess I need starting a new one. Thanks for taking the time to write all this, I'll take in mind.
Jessica Luque I second John
Seeing the comments below makes me feel a little less alone in my loneliness.
Ive been lonely for a long time, and getting 'connected' is not so cut and dry as this guy makes out. You have to connect with equal minds and intellects, or the feeling of loneliness can be compounded. If you are surrounded by small minded morons then its a losing battle, especially if you are deep and philosophical in nature. The world can be a dangerous and toxic place and the sad reality is that sometimes its not about connecting its about surviving, expose yourself to the shit people bring to the table and it could be over for you alot sooner than you expected. Sorry to sound negative, but the world is how it is, see things from your own objectivity, not spiritual motivational cheesy talks. Its not all doom and gloom, but the majority of it is, its called pessimism, which is another word for cautious realism.
you dont sound negative at all it's quite realistic what you said. most people think that It's an unpardonable sin admitting that the life is difficult and you have to chase a lot until find something enjoyable in it
how exactly did you infer "getting 'connected' is not so cut and dry as this guy makes out"??
Well if you read the rest of my statement Craig, I think I explain in thorough detail how getting connected is not so simple, due to the fact you have to be able to relate to people in order to feel connected. Did you just read the first sentence of the comment I made and not the rest of the explanatory detail? Simply put, most people are moronic sheep, and make me feel like recoiling in revulsion into my shell, they need to be shot dead they are such genetic fuckups of human beings, atleast in their mindsets they are.
I don't think you can measure intelligence or even intellectualness because, people think more about certain subjects and are smarter than others in different ways, no matter how dumb or smart a person may seem. Obviously there are geniuses and.. not.. geniuses. But a lot of times the 'not geniuses' are smarter in one aspect that the genius is lacking in, ex~~they could be better socially or more creative
There are so many forms of intelligence.
I think that you can connect with anyone as long as they're genuine. It may take much, much longer to connect with someone who's like a "sheep", but you definitely have common grounds somewhere, and it can take months of talking to them daily to find it, speaking from experience.
I know you might not want to be friends with whatever you consider small minded people, but, to your mental health, it's worth loving someone (platonically)
Move to San Francisco Bay area.
I disagree with the idea that seeing someone lonely causes people to want to connect with that person, that's simply not the case for a lot of people. I have high functioning Asperger's Syndrome and the sad truth about my social life is that I lack certain skills in connecting to others and I have anxiety about social environments. I try not to be this way, I practice how to respond to certain social situations and I try to find the courage to do so, but it often doesn't work out, I come across as awkward and that drives people away. I feel lonely and I imagine I probably look that way to others but nobody really bats an eye or reaches out to me. I'm trying medication and counseling to help me do better, but I have to admit this study about loneliness and mortality is worrisome.
I have the same problem. I don't take medication or anything, but I feel when I am faced with a social situation I come off as strange. And for that reason I usually self-isolate and avoid people in general. Plus, I live in a rural area and worse I don't drive. Luckily, I have a dog because I probably would have taken my life if it weren't for him and my parents. I feel a lot of it is my problem, because I have all of these perceptions that people see me as weird so it's reinforced when I'm around other people. After watching this video, I'm going to join a meetup and try to change my situation. I've been isolated like this now for probably 2 years.
the matrix has you : )
well then, can you be my friend? :D
I feel for you friend
I feel for you for I also live with the reality of being an aspie. Believe me, it takes a lot of trial and error just to find any sense of self-worth because you're easily driven desperate in social situations due to it being beyond difficult to emote one's own feelings in a language that other people get without misunderstanding let alone having anyone to develop honest binds with cause you're not often ready to react to the social demands. In extreme cases it is hard to even know what you should believe in about what is "right" and "wrong" in life. To this state of being there are no magic pills although I can say this; Don't give in to the hopelessness. *The cycle of feeling lonely and finding peace with your own solitude are two different things.* If you have ways of reaching a sense of comfortable self-understanding, please, USE THEM. It doesn't make you selfish nor anti-social.
Best of wishes. :)
Big difference between objective isolation and perceived isolation, which is what he's talking about "loneliness" it is what you perceive. Just because a person is alone doesn't mean they're lonely or feel "loneliness". Loneliness can increase your mortality rate not necessarily being alone (e.g. Monks who can go into social isolation for a specific time yet live for decades). I love being alone but hate feeling lonely which, the two don't come in hand for me like it may for some other people. Being alone, calm, and at peace with yourself is in my opinion a very beautiful thing.
I can relate to what he said about empathy. I would call myself anti social and whenever I'm alone for long periods of time I can feel myself losing emotion and empathy for others. My thoughts become almost sadistic and I feel absolutely nothing. For a while I thought I was some sort of psychopath. However, I realized that whenever I reconnect with people I begin to feel again. I'm happier and more concerned about others.
Bro....this really hit me because i went through the same thing and still do sometimes
Exact same issue here, we get wild when we lose contact with other people.
I couldn't get out of my bed
This talk ..moved me .
Thank you
I'm in my 40s and have struggled with this for years. Never went to university and workplaces were never that conducive to forming friendships. The biggest mystery for me has always been what do you literally do to meet a good variety of people on a regular basis? Of course nowadays things like MeetUp exist, which serve a purpose (albeit mainly for other desperately lonely people) but to meet people naturally is very challenging. Generally most lonely people (myself included) want to find group activities they at least "may" enjoy. More realistically however, they will be doing the activity for the purpose of meeting people firstmand foremost, so it becomes hard to switch off the feeling of neediness and try and just enjoy the moment/activity for what it is.
The hardest thing is being out and seeing people in groups or couples having fun and feeling like you're an outsider watching the "normal" people do their thing. I'm sure many others feel the same way. I've spent many an evening (though not really religous) asking whatever god there might be "why is this so f^*king hard? I'm intelligent, good looking, the first to approach people in group settings. Yet I feel more alone than I ever have. Would love to meet a partner but when you can't find activities to do where you even have a chance at meeting someone (or when the attempts you do make feel forced or fruitless) it's hard to just be happy and content within yourself, and therefore be an attracfive proposition as a potential partner.
Has it changed for you?
Im struggling a lot .
Underrated comment
“Loneliness even alters gene expression such as inflammatory biology to deal with assaults.
“Not long ago, we thought about genes as the keyboard on which life’s song played out. What this research suggests is that, if the genes are the keys on the piano, then the environment (including your social environment) is the pianist influencing which keys are turned on and off.”
Beautifully made metaphor
Wait is that why i have inflammation, and cant sleep at night
I've chosen to be alone. It's easier, less complicated and others can't hurt you.
+Stephen Marcus
I'll drink to that! **raises cup of coffee**
FLOPPYPOPPYLOPYUPASOPYMOPYSAURUS
I get plenty of euphoria with myself, Mr. FLOPPYPOPPYLOPYUPASOPYMOPYSAURUS, if that's your real name! :D
+Stephen Marcus Now just make you don't hurt yourself...
+Stephen Marcus but good healthy realtionships with people u love and they love u back was proven to be called healthy life - lonelyness kills *
+Melissa Brown i wish i could but it sucks when every person you meet just hurts you at one point or another
What blows my mind is how many people, family and friends know how lonely, depressed and isolated I am as the sole caregiver of my 92 year old dad with health issues. I lost my younger brother last February. I just lost my precious cat Oscar two weeks ago. So there's loss on top of stress and loneliness and back-breaking caregiving. I haven't been able to drive due to a health condition either. So people would have to come to me. I'd say dozens of people know how much I'm suffering. They KNOW! And still people rarely come to visit either of us. What's wrong with people?!!! These are friends and family!! I'm just heartbroken and confused.
People don't want you when you are suffering,they just want the "good" you.
I can relate as I'm caregiving also,if you ever need to vent or talk let me know.
We can be there for each other.
@@husseinmohamedhussein3929 You're so right. It's very sad that people aren't there when you really need them. I've always been there for people in need and when they were at their lowest. We ALL need that at times. Thank you, Huss.....Let's vent!! :)
@@amg726indeed you are very right. This is a harsh reality that they don't care or something only in good times :(
I loved Dr. Cacciopo's book, "Loneliness" and I was so privileged to see and hear his lecture at Baldwin Wallace University in Berea, OH a few years ago. He was an amazing man. So very sad that he passed away on March 5, 2018. What a loss to his family. What a loss to the world. Thank you Dr. Cacciopo for all your work on behalf of humanity. Rest in peace. Job very well done.
I honestly love your posts and always enjoy reading them in my lonely spare time. I'm so sorry I invaded your privacy, but I'd love to be friends with someone who could share such sensitive post content, which means you're a woman of integrity. I wanted to add you but sending you a friend request without your consent is inappropriate because I'm a public figure and it wouldn't take much either, I'd appreciate it if you send me a friend request now so we can be friends and text better here on UA-cam
Thanks for sharing such a wonderful talk. Loneliness is stigmatised. you find so many people pretending they are not lonely when they are, especially in big cities. It's ridiculous because most people feel this way....or can feel this way after various break ups and traumas in life.
Simarjit Kaur I totally agree with you!
I honestly love your posts and always enjoy reading them in my lonely spare time. I'm so sorry I invaded your privacy, but I'd love to be friends with someone who could share such sensitive post content, which means you're a woman of integrity. I wanted to add you but sending you a friend request without your consent is inappropriate because I'm a public figure and it wouldn't take much either, I'd appreciate it if you send me a friend request now so we can be friends and text better here on UA-cam
For me, it's about my faith in humanity. It is so incredibly low, I don't want to speak with others. I prefer to have a 3 meter area around me.
Guess my autism isn't helping aswell.
Just be a spectator. There's nothing wrong with it, really. Compared to even 15 years ago, human beings can survive being alone more than ever. Don't let anyone tell you that you NEED others in your life, like they are some kind of thing you need to survive. If you have family, just chill with them. Or get a pet. One of my buddies is autistic and he could care less if he gets any attention from other people. He likes company, sure, but doesn't need it to survive.
DARK PHANTOM, HAVING boundry is natural. Who wants someone so close to you they're shoulder to shoulder, unless of course its a signifcant other. So, fine to have your invisble space, so do I.
There's no reason to be dependent on the faith of humanity as a whole ... that's the bell curve... instead, as you say, have a smaller circle and make 'your universe' much smaller and comprised of fewer, select, people.
Then you'll be happier.
Randy Zeitman Thank you, that really helped!
Randy Zeitman I agree, on my mind, is the person I pushed away ,it was truly an accident, but to tell him that would sound to ridiculous.However, one person,, and me, thats two, I had someone that would be a joy to be around, .entertaining too. Rather have that then a group of people any day.
It’s surreal watching this knowing that the late Prof.Cacioppo passed on 2018, but what a message and reminder he left us with.
from someone who lacks the nerve to kill themselves, it's nice to know my loneliness will send me to a speedy grave.
thats what i was thinkin...
Mike French I can only hope
I like that my loneliness will send me to a speedy grave. Then I won't be lonely anymore. I'm serious.
Amen.
I concur
I liked the talk. It helped me to understand the physiology of loneliness. I'm self aware and need to rethink my engagement with other people. Spending too much time alone when you're young can create a mindset of lifetime isolation. I'm too comfortable being by myself.
I love being alone, i hate people.
*****
I am insecure for sure.
***** This world is fucked and it is not going to get any better.. the Jews will see to it
***** God will handle that on his terms
***** you are people
That edge damn
Lonely people are more hyper-aware and weary. Social people are stuck in their bubbles, not seeing a full spectrum of earth. Social people are oblivious and ignorant to their surroundings, thus more happy. Lonely people have more of an awareness of society from a birds eye view, as the are not average sheeple like all the happy social people. IF YOU HAVE NOT LINKED YOURSELF TO TRUE EMPTINESS, YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND THE ART OF PEACE.
I Love your comment. Realism at it's finest!
Jack From Mankato
Jack From Manhattan correct
Very true.
boxeater406 85.714% of other comments don't think so. Your welcome.
I'm dying, help! hug me!
Vladislav Kostin Death is a wonderful thing...Go in peace...Hugs
Vladislav Kostin I want hug too... but no homo
I'll give you a hug :)
Ok Ok....here we all go.....*Group Hug*
+Vladislav Kostin m hugging u vladislav, u r not alone
A year ago i was quite wasted and stumbled upon this video, a year later I'm wasted again and have arrived on this video and still "lonley" lol this guy speaks alot of truth, and a word off advise to anybody who decides to read this.. Cherish all the people around you, because in the blink off an eye, you can loose it all.. like me, 2 years without a single friend.. if you haven't experienced something like this (which I hope you never do) you can't even come close to imagining the pain it creates.
+Dpk9t5 I know the feeling... oh i know it.. right now i am having it. But i will plough thru all of this and will become stronger..
At least I can take solace in the fact that my loneliness will kill me sooner rather than later...
A good "yes and" to overcoming those seemingly insurmountable obstacles to connection (if you're unwilling to volunteer) is asking other people about themselves or somehow engaging them. Even strangers. Asking the cashier how their day is. Complimenting the lady in line at Starbucks. 99% of the time that I feel lonely, I really have no interest in other people (suppose it's that whole temporoparietal junction thing shutting down), but I know that if I fake my way into it by asking what you do, I might become genuinely interested within a few moments when I realize I can somehow relate to you. And, if nada else, we've made a connection. And it's also gotten my focus off my solipsism. Boom. Loneliness slightly mitigated for a bit.
+MissAshleyPants well said, great synopses, thanks!
+MissAshleyPants This mathematical thinking is some sexy shit coming from a lady. And I know I just sounded sexist, sorry.
+MissAshleyPants Not sure why you turned to Spanish for just one word.
+MissAshleyPants This is brilliant, thank you :)
MissAshleyPants How are you anyway? Nice hat.
I know I will eventually die from suicide because of my loneliness.
I feel the same
Please don’t do that. There’s so much to live for. I was suicidal for years and actually attempted it once.. that was about 3 years ago and I’m so happy now, I couldn’t be happier I didn’t do it. My family started talking to me again, I have nieces and nephews now, I still haven’t made close friends but I’m getting out there more and more. Please do guided meditation if you still feel that way. All my love to anyone whose feeling hopeless 💕
@@snoopjog5060 my only family is my dad. i am an only child. my mom is gone, not much. I have one friend to still talks to me... that's it. may die sooner or later
Please don't. 🙏
How are you doing?
Loneliness is killing me , softly.....
One of the best TEDx talks ever. Truly informative and insightful.
I keep trying to get connected, but nobody ever wants to connect with me. Apparently. I'm going to die early, but I don't even care...
Hey would you consider adopting a shelter animal? I bet you there is a little furry friend praying and dreaming to be your new best friend. Love is very healing. Offering kindness and a forever home to a scared and lonely dog or cat can do wonders for you too. Speaking from experience here. Light and love to you.
My animals keep me going
once when I was out of work for a while, I realized one day that I had not spoken a single word to another human being for 8 or 9 days.
I can feel loneliness slowly ripping me apart.
+splabbity same here
How you doing now?
Night King Still lonely
splabbity still? Have you done something against it?
@@neilghosh3821 Yeah, there's Facebook, but that's no good. I've learned to cope to the point where it doesn't bother me unless I'm thinking about it. I talk to myself a lot and actually really enjoy being alone. I have pets and there are people to talk to who care about me, so it's not the worst case of loneliness. But as far as finding someone I can truly bond with on a deep, fundamental, personal and intimate level, and especially in the realm of physical human affection, I have absolutely nothing, except for an occasional hug. I generally feel feared and suspected by people for having a weird, nervous vibe, or I fail to connect because I don't provide what they're expecting properly. People hate weird. I'm quarantining now, but I plan to try to get out there and meet people when this horror passes. Like I said though, it's bad, but there are far worse cases, and I'm good at keeping myself occupied. Thank you for caring enough to ask. :) I'd shake your hand, but I don't want to be transformed into a wight, lol.
I love Tedx Talks, and think this is the BEST, and most profoundly helpful one I've listened to yet. Highly recommend this one!
This was insightful. I wish there were more/deeper insights on this topic probably half of America goes through yet no one talks about.
45% HOLY SHIT!! I might not even have to buy a gun.
+Christian Kind of reassuring knowing time ISN'T on our side now. Honestly, I can't take much more of this
+Toast same lmao
Those 45% have given me heart palpitations, takes time but does the job.
+Toast I'm so sorry, I've been where you are in terms of feelings and I really hope it passes and something changes. If you don't already, talk to someone about how you feel. If you feel like you don't know anyone that you feel ok to talk to (that you think you can open up to without being judged, griped at , ignored or in some way made to feel even worse or embarrassed ) then feel free to type/msg me. M?any times in my life I could not talk to family or friends even because I just could not and I wish I'd had someone to talk to, that's all. so that's why offer.
This laughter just reduced that loneliness lethality to 2% tho
But what if no one can help and there are no 'friends or family' who are interested and are wrapped in their own lives? Loneliness goes hand in glove with depression and a sense of loneliness and these same people tell you off or blank when you confide this feeling to them? The problem is loneliness is not 'cool' or socially acceptable and I have been told that it's 'all in my head'. Interesting talk though, but disagree that loneliness has anything to do with evolution. I believe the breakdown of the family unit in society are the root of the problem and there is no quick solution.
Hi Samuel, Everybody can help and if there are no friends or family you can always find new ones. In churches (for example) you can find warmhearted folks held together by a common belief in goodness. Religious cults have always been a refuge for the lonely and there are so many, may be one is your´s? They replace (for better or worse) the family and call the other believers brothers and sisters (and the priest in the rol of the father...), If the "father" is a good man, the name and number of gods is of Little importance... Wonna live in heaven? Behave like an angel... With a big hug...
Thanks Hans Hebel.
Samuel Marlow
Hans advice is good. I wanted to point out something else from your post.
the talk was that from an evolutionary standpoint we are not supposed to be alone. So the fact that so many people are alone has a detrimental impact on us. He didn't say it but I think he was inferring that this could also have a detrimental impact on us a species not just the individual.
animals get an animal.
everyone get an animal if you're lonely. not the same but better then pointless masturbation.
Thanks but animals or pets I cannot afford and they are no substitute for people, that's my opinion anyway.
Now this is a quality talk. A subject expressed thoroughly, and explained in such a way that people can understand and relate. Out of the dozens of Ted Talks I've watched, this one actually has substance. Thank you John Cacioppo for your extraordinary insight.
This is a great explanation of what loneliness causes and does to people. I've always been very strong, very independent, a true loner in my life, but a long period of time in which I forcefully isolated myself because of my social anxiety led me to more anxiety and depression. And now, after all this time, I wish I'd have connected more then, so that maybe now I wouldn't be feeling like this.
So, yeah, the secret to a good life, no matter what they say, is bonds and relationships.
I honestly love your posts and always enjoy reading them in my lonely spare time. I'm so sorry I invaded your privacy, but I'd love to be friends with someone who could share such sensitive post content, which means you're a woman of integrity. I wanted to add you but sending you a friend request without your consent is inappropriate because I'm a public figure and it wouldn't take much either, I'd appreciate it if you send me a friend request now so we can be friends and text better here on UA-cam❤❤
Don't forget people love you. Even if they don't love you, they don't hate you.
We should view loneliness similarly to needs such as hunger and thirst, because taking care of our social body is at least as important as nurturing our physical body in living a healthy, enjoyable life :)
We could use UA-cam as a way to connect. That being said, anyone wanna connect?I'm a dude that loves talking about spirituality, metaphysics, society and shit like that in NYC where most people my age just party, do drugs and all that bullshit so you already know I'm a loner...and it fucking sucks.
type up thos subjucts on youtube and and start msg the pople that talk abut them on what you think is cool get into a team of pople that like what you like or do the same thing on facebook thats what i did
Good idea. But most of the people interested in those topics online are older folks in their 30s haha
Hey, you're just like me. Probably the say age too. But I live in a ghetto in Canada
yeah. I'm in the same boat. I feel so strange around my age group. maturing earlier on can be a blessing and a curse. I've always been a recluse because of it.
Im the same way iTzPrince vince im a loner too ...theres no ppl my age group that I can have deep interesting conversations with even finding a chick thats into stuff like that...most of the pretty ones dont sound too smart either. And since I moved from another state I pretty much got no friends only friendly co-workers I consider acquaintances
John Cacioppo I'm not sure this isn't the most meaningful Tedx I've ever experienced. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Instead of competing, help someone else win. They will see you as a friend.
I couldnt find work, had always had my own business but wanted a break. I met someone in my environment who was trying to make a food business a go, and it is an outstanding food product. I offered to be available because i wanted to help her succeed and now 2 1/2 years later I am her no. 1 and have a part time income I like. And the fact that I feel she deserves a chance gives my work meaning too. You never know what is around the corner but if you are cynical you do know what is around the corner, and ti's not good.
I think we do create what we focus on, if attention is on thoughts of being lonely, that persists and becomes the reality. We entrain to our beliefs...
I am an extreme introvert and I love spending time alone. Almost only alone. Spending a lot time with people makes me stressed and depressed.
Might turn around at age... It has for me, a bit... Part of me wishes I had been more outgoing to have something now, but I missed it all..
people are also unreliable and selfish in general and open you up for liabilities. i rather go it alone for most activities. and oh, you can't judge yourself either. people, so called friends, will judge you. not good or fun.
You never run out of chances. There is always tomorrow and always more people. As long as you live and breath, you have the chance to make things better. :)
Zeke Krahlin Then you need to adjust your mindset and approach. I settle for very few but very good friends. Most friendships don't last, despite the popular belief to the contrary. Out of all my friends only one has lasted for a real length of time. And some years, here and there, he might be the only one I really hang with but I don't let it bother me. I keep myself content.
Good luck man.
Didn't say it was the problem, I suggested it as a solution. And yeah, mindset affects nearly every aspect of a persons psyche. Adjust the mindset, and everything can be viewed and felt differently. Depending on the adjustment.
There sure are a lot of lonely people in angry denial posting in these comments.
You all need a hug. I would give you one if I could.
Hugs smiles kindness
No good if you're trapped behind plastic all annoymous and Christ knows where on the planet.
This was amazingly insightful for me right now. Being mentally ill and constantly wondering why it perpetuates itself has been on the forefront of my mind for the better part of a year now.
This was an amazing speech that really spoke to me. I have suffered from severe depression all my life and have been on medication since the age of 13. I may not be able to abolish my depression completely but insights like this video help in my day to day life.
Alone is when something happens to you, there is no emergency contact to advise. That is my situation. No family and alone for years it takes its toll and every day can be a struggle sometimes.
In my experience as an only child I found being alone personified who I am as a person. I obviously was used to being by myself and as I got older I never necessarily yearned for others attention or friendship. Being alone is a choice and a choice I choose because despite my issues I want to be in a state of loneliness a state of isolation because I feel that others shouldn't want to understand. Almost like ones natural abilities I feel mine ( being one to observe and think deeply) are suited and stimulated from being distant.
From your situation loneliness is a hiccup or roadblock to what you would like to achieve in self contentment. It is indeed an addiction because once you are alone it is give and take and will consume and consume until we either break or are introduced to a new experience.
Yeah that's a scary place to be I can relate every time I have to fill out who to contact in case of an emergency I leave it blank because unfortunately there isn't someone I can count on
Observing all those new smart watches being designed, I haven't yet seen any "Still Alive?" service mentioned. People who live alone will die if they get mortally ill and can't call for help, and if they die in their sleep, no one may discover them before neighbours complain about the smell.
So, a well designed "Still Alive?" service costing a few bucks a month would:
1 Help people who live alone feel a little safer.
2 Actually save a few lives.
3 Reduce the rate of stinking corpses in homes and apartments.
4 Reduce costs of cleaning up stinkers' homes.
... will think of more later ;)
Thank you so much for this video, Ted! I've had MANY PROBLEMS over the years with loneliness and unfortunately all the symptoms you've rattled off, I can honestly say, I've experienced and occasionally still experience. The positive solutions have been more common recently, but it definitely took this video to make me aware of them. Now, I know how to deal with this moreso than ever! Thank you, I'm glad to sort that out! HA!
Mr.(?) Cacioppo, I'm so happy that I listened to your video. It was everything I've been looking for, helpful, and so well done!
Agrreeed
This is fascinating. I am not going to go over my own reasons for loneliness, but I do want to say that this video has been a great help to understanding it.
This comment section is really me ,never felt sooooo relatable. 😭😭😭
Brilliant! Everything he said was very true. Especially the part where the brain can not feel empathy or be able to walk in someone else's shoes when you are in self preservation mode. Sad but true.
Love every thing he has to say for the past 3 years of my life I entered a world of loneliness
Extremely interesting, how loneliness enhances it's own likelihood to persist.
I am only 18 and I have been lonely for all this time. I agree with what he says because everyday I am negative and more stressed to encounter social threats. Excess of overthinking is also due to loneliness because since we have nobody to interact with, we interact with ourselves. This is how I feel everyday
I recently tried to reconnect with a friend who had moved schools to a college where he knew no-one. When I finally got back in touch with him, I realised he was suffering from anxiety, depression and loneliness, and that his view of the world and people in general had become so jaded and pessimistic that he actively disliked human beings. As in, hearing people speak would make him agitated and angry, and likely to lash out verbally. The speaker knows what he's talking about. He's studied the topic for decades, but I feel like he's simplifying the issue to "Are you hungry? Go eat. Are you lonely? Get connected." when people with loneliness often *want* to do so, but don't feel like they can empathize enough with their peers to truly reconnect with them. I get the feeling they feel like they're past a point of no return, which is why therapy is needed.
I tried to get my aforementioned friend to contact CAMHS, but he no longer returns my calls or texts.
So, my point is this: It's easy to say "get connected", but there are preparations to make beforehand. If you're lonely and you feel like there's nothing you can do, try therapy. You don't have suffer in silence and therapy is a safe space to practice.
John Cacioppo gave a brilliant presentation here! Thanks for posting this great video! :)
If it was not for my faith in God, I would want to be dead. Loneliness and major depression are Hellish Torment.....
***** Bitches just love the Monsters...
***** You are not a monster. You are as human as they come and I sure do want you to succeed at whatever goals you have in mind. You can do it!
Ellen Cox Me if it were nt for my superheroes i watch films of and comics i read i would be dead by now that and partly the bilble and family only reason im here
Ellen Cox I feel the same way. I am so lonely and depressed all the time. I nearly broke down at the grocery store today. I wished I'd die when I go to bed.
felix the cat There's an APP for that....
Sorry could not resist...
loneliness is very hard to deal with.
Excelente Sr. Cacioppo por su intervención y sobre todo por la conviccion puesta en lo que propone! Lo escucharé nuevamente y seguramente mas de una vez! Muy agradecida!
Im in university. even tough I'm around friends, family, I feel lonely. years went by and that bad feeling of loneliness became something I started to accept, and love the feeling of loneliness ; it felt comforting, like I was consoling myself. It inspired my art and music. I know that I'd like to experience love from a special someone, just the little things, just a hug, or holding hands, but the fact is I've automatically become repulsive to love because it feels like something I'll never have. In psychology you will learn that your brain sees loneliness or mental discomfort as a threat and it tries to eliminate it by subconsciously making your want to reject it, I hope someday I'll find a cure to this illness. Just someone to share this existence with.
"get connected." much easier said than done for some people. i noticed this was mentioned in some other comments. in fact, the guy is kind of glib about it. let me get my magic wand and just make myself personable and show up at party or function or mixer, one that i am never aware of, much less invited to. that "just do it" attitude discounts the adversity loners like me have in reaching out and connecting. trying and failing in social connections is worse than just cutting the losses and trying to remain a happy introvert.
Some people are wired to be introverts and don't mind solitude. I am a "one person household," and some days barely talk to anybody. I am not bothered by this, and still am able to interact/sympathize with others when necessary.
I agree that early in life, perhaps up to the age of 18 or so, social interaction is beneficial for proper development. But the assertion that there is something wrong with those that have adapted to or prefer solitude is incorrect, IMO.
I don't think he knows as much as he thinks he knows. Dislike. Not all TEDx videos are worth watching.
thanks a lot. its one of the best talks i hv heard. very useful. very well structured. this should reach to maximum, specially when someone is just entering or recently entered into the cage of lonliness. its when they are still open to learn to recognise this feeling , like the symptom of hunger or thirst which helps to fulfill the need/defficiency in the right time and save oneself. once the hypoglycemia(low blood sugar ) or hypovolemia and electrolyte disturbances ( low water and disturbed electrolytes ) set in the body by unattended hunger and thirst , external help is required as the body does not have enough strength to help itself and the senses are distorted(just as distorted peceptions with set in lonliness causing withdrawal when actually social connection is required to heal).
instead of feeling ashamed of looking needy one must express openly to close ones that one is feeling lonely. its the same as asking for water or food when you are feeling thirsty or hungry. this is where a family or close friends who are like family are helpful. if asked for help, being human anyone wil love to help as they feel useful (feeling useful is too a human need that needs to be fulfilled same as need to feel connected, loved, seen or accepted).
lucky i came across this at a stage when i can still recognise this feeling... and capable of doing something about this. in general i am an extrovert, giving ,serving,compassionate, happy and living in the moment person, but have been off and on feeling this loneliness. but as i have overtime trained myself to know my feelings, be with them, not resist but accept them, i am with my feeling of loneliness just as i am with any physical pain of physical injury/illness, and finding ways to cure and heal. i am indeed sincerely thankful for this talk to give me new insight into my needs and what i can do about it. keep doing this good work. also want to say that hearing your voice and seeing your presence i could feel yr empathy for the lonely and that touched me deeply enough to help me turn to exit door of loneliness cage. may you be blessed
Thanks heaps John, for laying it out with such rigour and gifting me the purpose of your knowledge. Best Regards,
the conclusion in the last 2 minutes is a joke, I was lonely my whole life, and I watched this for a solution but it just said how awful my life is
Cameron Bright I was thinking the same exact thing
This video itself IS the solution to our problem. The solution is that when we, collectively, as a society, stop stigmatizing loneliness and devaluing human connection, people will all start forming more close meaningful friendships and taking those friendships seriously
Well the good news for all these tears streaming down my face, is that I won't have to feel it much longer with the promise of an early death. With air pollution and loneliness, I'm up to 50%. Well I'm off to feed the loneliness away. (20% increase) :D
We could go together... But i trust no one 😖
Just learn to be cool, and conquer the world with your exquisitely cool, lonely and fearless soul
This is undoubtedly one of the best ted talks I have seen.
I honestly love your posts and always enjoy reading them in my lonely spare time. I'm so sorry I invaded your privacy, but I'd love to be friends with someone who could share such sensitive post content, which means you're a woman of integrity. I wanted to add you but sending you a friend request without your consent is inappropriate because I'm a public figure and it wouldn't take much either, I'd appreciate it if you send me a friend request now so we can be friends and text better here on UA-cam
I am 58 years old now.Divorced and lonely. I have joined the local YMCA. But still I'm very lonely.
It is very difficult once you get over 25 or 30.As people are married.Or getting married.Or might have kids.I don't look 58 only because I have taken care of myself over the years.
In this city where I live.I feel people are very narsessitic.
I go out and say please and thank you and that's about it.
I think being surrounded by dishonest or generally toxic people is what ALLOWS loneliness to be so chronic and repetative: You internally both YEARN for company and fear it.
Thus when you meet good folks you could connect with, you get fear and they sense it. And if theyre good people and you fear then arent you bad (if and when thy detect your fear)?
Excellent talk. Comparing the need for water to quench our thirst, food to quench our hunger, connection to prevent our lonliness. It comes across rather dry and depressing but really, he provides some startling statistics. Check out Brene' Brown also, she addresses our vulnerabilities which lead to our growing social isolation. I have been thinking upon these things and addressing them in my own life, often my being vulnerable has been painful which reinforces the self protection mechanisms. In practicing gratitude when it all goes wrong for the lesson I have learned and learning to let go of my expectations of people as they cannot and will not ever meet all my needs and often not even understand what they are-it is about our own self introspection and recognizing the egoic mind which is separate than our own. Becoming more conscious of the story you keep creating in your mind-you are not your story. We need to separate our irrational thoughts about ourselves and others, not from one another.
This is by far the best TED talk that I have seen.
I was an outcast as a child, teenager and adult. I have felt lonely most of my life. I never married and never had a serious or half serious relationship. I am afraid I will die and be dead for a week before anyone notices. It's sad I know, and people judge me because I am not 'normal'. I decided to study art. It is helping me, but I still walk around college after 18 months without a friend. I like myself when I am by myself, I just get confused around others. I feel that I will die alone as I don't think I have the receptors any more.
+Sandy Eyles
i i might die alone too.. happens all the time..just look in cities like ny or san francisco.. thousands die like that... so you are not the only one..
It doesn't really matter anyway. Just kind of goes against the grain as a human to be alone.
I gave up on people a long time ago.....people have disappointed and hurt me too many times.. ..Im actually happy being alone because I have found inner peace.. i don't have to deal with other peoples drama anymore.. also Happiness comes from within .. its not something that can be found outside of yourself
It is great to see such an objective analysis of this issue and the potential impacts in our environment.
Stunningly good talk.
I can't wait to die then the loneliness will stop.
hehe
I agree with you I can't wait to die.
Will it?
Oh my god this makes so much sense!
I have the "luck" of being in a situation that really shows this in work, I'll tell you now:
Because I have been isolated for a year (no school, no job, living on my own), my loneliness has grown greater and greater, obviously I felt worse and worse. Now at the top (of loneliness, so low of mood), I kinda turned into a psychopath and was really mean on purpose, couldn't feel empathy anymore. Now that has faded and my friend hates me, and I can't really make up or apologize even though I want to, because I'm not able to put myself in his position anymore. :/ My empathy has really shrunk, it seems... Sucks. I'm pretty much in a vegetative state now.
For years, I've been unemployed with no stable income, living in my dad's kitchen with zero personal privacy (due to not being able to get a job), while having no life, no girlfriend, no sex life, etc. I'm on every free dating site, and even accumulated multiple profiles on some, and STILL can't seem to attract women. To mkae matters worse, my mother just recently died, and I'm now all alone in her old apartment, still without a job, and facing eviction. I haven't even been able to find someone to cuddle with, to ease me through this whole ordeal. I feel so alone and unwanted by society and women. I have a spotless criminal and driving record, varied previous work experience, and can figure many things out quickly... yet can't even get a call-back from McDonald's. Women aren't usually interested in unemployed depressed guys who are going through hell. Guys like me are just left to suffer alone.
two years ago, my extremely manipulative mother made me quit my fabulous job. within months, my friends disappeared. My boyfriend broke up with me. there is no sex life ("self help" doesn't count). fortunately, i still have a work-from-home job that pays me well. Would have been terrible without money. But, yes, the psychopath tendencies are growing and so is the complete lack of trust in all my relatives. What the speaker says is true - the brain does go into a panic, self-preservation mode. it's as if the world outside has ceased to exist. I have promised to myself that i'm getting out of this self-imposed prison by June next year, but i also wonder what i'm going to do in the outside world. I dont know anyone out there anymore.
Brian F Brian, there is a huge difference between "having sex" and "making love." It really doesn't matter how "good" you are in bed. Eventually, as you'll find out, that is a small (though vitally important) part of a healthy relationship that can grow into a lifetime relationship. Eventually, the lights must go on and you must be able to communicate on a profound level, you must able to make each other laugh, you must be able to share the same goals if not the same path to achieve those goals. Perhaps it's not that you're not "good enough for women" but that you have learned to be "good enough" to yourself. Hoping you find your path.
My God, this was brilliant. I have to admit I was emotionally moved at multiple times during this lecture. As a criminologist, I believe his research and knowledge partially just explained violence in society, especially school shootings. I found myself wanting more and wondering the full scope of this research. Bravo.
A brilliant talk, thank you!