Heartbroken Santorum Condemns Gay Marriage For Two-Timing Jerks Like Nick
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- Опубліковано 6 вер 2024
- An emotional Rick Santorum stepped up his anti-gay rhetoric this week, saying jerks like Philadelphia's Nicholas Wiseman should not be allowed to marry a man they barely know when there's someone out there who truly cares for them.
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However much they're paying their opening sequence animators, it isn't enough.
Yuri it gets more and more over the top and stupid every time, just like with the dumb pointless animations on actual news networks.... I love it!
You have exactly 665 likes as I write this. I think I know what needs to be done about that.
@@KnuckleHunkybuck You're it needs 667 likes
**Killer spining sharp edged stars intensify**
@@example5237 >:c
It's not a civil liberties issue. Nick isn't civil.
He's rude and hurtful.
lmao that one really got me.
High art
At 1:13
I shouldn't have been drinking coffee while watching this video. Almost did a spit take a couple of times.
Poor dude 😭
"I was in the club that night, and we all agreed-" I love the implication that all gays know each other. 8 years old and still funny af
Yeah I'm the only one I know who's gay
@Anzu Wyliei then free me from this confederate flag waving hell hole (Alabama) I hate it here
Gay people can use gaytelepathy
@@siimkivisild2251 I have those powers
I mean, the average gay is much better connected compared to the average straight men.
Great thing about smaller communities.
"Nick Wiseman, you'll be sorry you ruined something so beautiful!"
"and I assume by 'something so beautiful', he was referring to the institution of marriage."
This is brilliant writing.
Don't forget the quiet "I assume so." in agreement. Great stuff.
The heartbreak symbols around the tweets really hammered away at any subtlety
LMFAO "I assume so" XD
the writing in this onion vintage is just gold
“Santorum spotted ripping up photos of wiseman”
The fine print tweets are great as well:
“Children need moral role models so they don’t grow up to tell someone they will be there for them and then refuse to even answer their texts”
At 2:04
1:13
"A union between two men as shallow and deceptive as Nick and Mario can never equal that of man and woman."
At 1:16
MY MISTRESS' BODY
MY CAMPAIGN
MY CHOICE
I want to like this comment so badly, but 69 is too perfect a number of likes for this.
@@vacatiolibertas Nice.
i CAN 100% IMAGINE NEWT GRINGRICH'S CAMPAIGN HOLDING THAT SIGN.
At 2:16
“Nickolas Weismann became engaged to backup dancer last night after a 3 week romance.”
I am gay and this is not satire...
I'm lesbian and if we aren't planning on moving in together after the first date then do we really like each other?
@Siberian Goose sad
@Siberian Goose I hope you actually live in Siberia my dude cuz that'd be doing us all a favor
@Siberian Goose what about you do it yourself :)
@Siberian Goose yep . You have me to do it on you.
It's funny to imagine historians in the future asking themselves whether these news records are really accurate.
@Spicy Memer47 People are already using Onion articles
They'll probably see videos and news reports of Trump and think, "yeah these are probably all gag articles, there's no way this guy could have been president".
Oh their would be no question. These must be real. It's only 2021 and I wouldn't be surprised
plot twist the onion has always been the only real news.
Scary thing is sometimes they are accurate
The heartbreaks on his twitter background represent the pain he feels for institution of marriage
Seeing as I read your comment in the news reporter's voice, there is little doubt that what you are saying is true.
At 1:13
@@Thanasis_Koligliatisyou're my hero
@@derekw104 You are exaggerating a little bit,
but thank you, nevertheless.
We didn't have The Onion (in its full force) in the 2016 elections. Think about that, and weep.
how could they even have satirized the 2016 election though? that whole process felt like satire becoming reality.
It was bought out by a Clinton donor do there you go
Frankly, I think their satire would have gotten too partisan. It would have been nice to see something other than "Trump stupid lol" though
That election was a joke.
@@pmashtx they make fun of both parties usually.
"Pro Choice in cases where a love child might threaten you politically" that is just straight up facts about so many Republican politicians lol
Yeah I forgot which Republican but it did happen a few years ago
republicans now basically just disagree with everything the democrats agree with, it's hilarious
Bob Wa tbh that goes for both of the retarded partys
@Jake F
No, the democrats often agree with the Republicans when it comes to keeping the military big, tax cuts for the rich, free trade and plenty of other things. Not sure what you're talking about. The Democrats definitely don't have a history of disagreeing with Republicans just for the sake of disagreeing.
@@remenencenda768 and vice versa
This sounds like history teachers explaing that when a writer wrote a love letter to enother men he reffered to his love for the concept of true friendship.
@Wo Long yeah, you got to be careful when you look at stuff like that from the last couple thousand years, especially when it's vague.
Relationships and expectations between sexes were MUCH different then, there wasn't as much emphasis on sexual or romantic tension as there is now.
History teachers probably say that for a reason, it's unlikely that a teen growing up in a sexually liberal society knows enough about the historical context to say that their headcanon of the one true ship actually applies to the situation at hand.
@@Ladifour Yeah but there's this poem about this guy who says "If Moses saw my friends face as he smiles, he would not have written in his torah, though shalt not lie with a man" and the historians say the guy is straight because he said friend instead of lover. (when it's debatable if there was a term for lover at the time). Friendships were different back then because there was less of a thing on personal closeness, everyone shared beds, helped each other get dressed, cuddled, held hands, if you were really close you might give each other goodbye pecks, and it was no big deal. (honestly it was probably a better way of doing things then our society) So yes, you couldn't say a guy who called his friend handsome or a picture of two Victorian men half hugging is gay, but still. Bros don't write love sonnets about their bros.
@@faemaiden5090 They don't? Damn, this is awkward
@@Ladifour Weren't the Romans and Greeks gay as hell? I mean, stigmatizing gays is really more of a relatively recent thing, I assumed. Back then, you just kind of screwed whoever or whatever you wanted, which unfortunately included minors and animals.
Like, a fair amount of those ancient myths and stories featured gay heroes with their boyfriends being their closest companions in their epic battles. Plus, the Gods were portrayed as being pretty fluid in their sexuality. Again, Zeus screwed a lot of women, but he had no problem with being with men.
@@qty1315 That is correct, but it wasn't that simple and there's a period between that and now which gave rise to the homophobic religions of Judaism, Christianity and Islam (though Islam and earlier Christianity was less homophobic).
The Greeks & Romans didn't have the concept of an individual sexual orientation based on character, that was only invented in the last century or so, they didn't think about a partners sex as much. The Abrahamic faiths viewed same-sex relations as based on acts instead, which needed be punished and marginalized accordingly.
The Greeks thought that if one was a free man being penetrated by another free man, they were acting like a woman, which was frowned upon and why they avoided this through having tutor-like relationships between younger men and older boys (where the tutor had to demonstrate it wasn't purely sexual), having penetrative sex with slaves and non-penetrative thigh sex with free men, which is still visible in their art. This permissive attitude later shifted toward the negative under the Romans and Medieval Christianity until it picked up steam in the Modern era and was enforced through the disciplinary power of the state and medicine.
The Greeks, and later the Christians, also didn't have a single word for love, but divided them into different concepts: Agape for unconditional love, Eros for sensual love, Philia for brotherly love, and Storge for familial love, among others. Plato himself talked of of Eros between men as the higher form of Eros (which is where the term "platonic love" comes from), but later he reversed his position and started arguing against same-sex relations as ugly and unholy.
plato.stanford.edu/entries/homosexuality/
I love the dramatic stars flying in and bombing the ground and all the crazy animations haha clearly making fun of CNN, FOX, NBC, and all those guys
Yes, it's satire
And Sportscenter ESPN
Finally someone else noticed
I love how a big part of this joke is the political operatives just... ignoring the obvious signs that Santorum is gay and soldering on like it's all just about his stance on gay marriage. The only person in this piece who gets it is the gay marriage advocate and it's such a wonderful touch.
1:30 that tub of ice cream
haha i missed it at first
@LagiNaLangAko23 yep bathrobe, tshirt, and ice cream lol
You know, those tubs were why I stopped buying ice cream. I'd finish them in one sitting. And no, it wasn't because of Wiseman or whomever.
😂
He's heartbroken. Of course ice cream hopefully can ease the pain
the opening sequence, i'm already dying
Historians: "He was so sad that Nick had married someone else! They were the *best* of friends and no one could ever live up to their level of friendship
They were roommates!
So many great sexual affairs between straight men and women are ruined when one of them finally commits to marrying someone else in a straight marriage, so by god why should a perfect sexual gay affair between Rick and Nick be ruined by gay marriage of Nock to some other guy.
I think it happens way more in the reverse because yall just can't seem to grasp male friendship
UPDATE: Just wanted to assure everyone that Santorum is fine! I know there are nasty rumors going around that he was seriously injured in that fall, but nothing compared to the serious injury to his heart, over the institution of marriage. After he was rescued by those rugged fishermen, pulled out of the water with their hairy arms, he went back to their cabin where he hasn't emerged for a week, recuperating from his ordeal.
"I've been gasping a lot, moaning from the pain, as it's been very hard to swallow. But despite it all, what these fishermen have done for me, the love they give me each and every day just.... well, it leaves me warm and gooey inside. I sure took a pounding when I fell but I know it won't be long before I'll be able to walk normally again!"
😂this is soo funny,lol.
LMFAO STAHP
This should’ve been in the clip
This is art.
😭😭😭💀This needs to be pinned
'Until 1730, ballots were made of Native American skin.'
I laughed more than I should have.
Fun fact: They only stop using Native American skin because there's just not enough Native Americans to harvest by that time. We should be able to use them again soon enough.
@@mad_max21 Good point.
At 0:56
As Joe Rogan once said, "I don't know if Rick Santorum is gay, but I am pretty sure it's on his bucket list."
Talking of Joe Rogan, I'd like to hear his commentary on the news that comes up at the bottom at 2:09.
"Children need moral role models so they don't grow up to tell someone they will be there for them and then even refuse to answer their texts."
HAHAHAHAHA
I thought the onion didn't cover real news?
Most Gay men are very superficial and will marry someone after 3 months
@@Kickballkixcereal Fortunately most straight men are beacons of reason who always manage to find the perfect wife for them. No worries there.
Let me guess: your "source" is other religious homophobes like yourself
@James Kraatz First day on UA-cam? You'll love it buddy, there's great stuff out there. After you watch some videos the algorithm becomes pretty good at finding stuff you like. Personally I also use it a lot to listen to music. I hope you enjoy your stay!
@James Kraatz you wanna take bets on that chief?
I love how he has ice cream on the podium
Wait, what?
Oh my gosh. Nick.
how was your wedding to Mario?
Way to ruin the institution of marriage Nicholas Wiseman.
He almost died jumping off a cliff because you tried to ruin the institution of marriage.
Ya know, there's more to a relationship than pecs.
Pretty bitchy and shallow of you to go after a guy for his pecs, idk
I'm so angry they didn't have a picture of Mitt Romney with fingerless gloves. It's been 8 years Onion! We deserve this.
After watching The Onion, I can watch real videos without losing the illusion that it's satire. It takes a few minutes until I fully realize that it is, in fact, real. Ridiculous.
This was written in 2012. You ain't seen nothing yet, Babe!
Sincerely,
2020
Hakajin Oh honey, you haven’t seen nothing yet. -Signed one month after
@@grahamrich9956 oh boy just you wait
That a fractal?
@@dimthecat9418 Yes. My picture is my rendition of the most famous fractal, the Mandelbrot set.
"In major stroke of luck, FDA approves thing man is addicted to." Even those flashing headlines would be great news stories themselves. Just the headlines themselves are way better than most clickhole stuff.
At 1:54
"Moving on, could Mit Romney's dropping poll numbers be linked to the weird fingerless gloves he's been wearing everywhere?"
"It's not a civil liberties issue. Nick isn't civil. He's rude and hurtful."
The production value of this is scary
eleven years ago and the ticker had a headline about gun advocates protesting for the rights of chimps to own guns.
I love the opening graphic to this news program -- epic!
I just love how freaking ridiculous the opening sequence is
I never thought when the "Moral Majority" GOP had major influence that I would ever look back and think 'simpler times' but here I am.
At least they were somewhat consistent with their beliefs.
I agree with Santorum...My parrot has great pecks, but I wouldn't wont to marry it!
As a man who used to be Rick Santorum’s neighbor, this is 100% factual.
1:14 "let's defend marriage against heart breakers", lmao
Remember when Onion news was clearly satirical and you could tell it wasn't real? I miss that.
How do I still keep finding onion clips I’ve never seen after so many years
I love that the opening animation gets more aggressive every video lol
I love the Onion's subtlety, how they never say exactly what their getting at.
This makes so much sense it's bizarre. I genuinely wouldn't be surprised if there was some tragic college heartbreak behind Santorum's views on gay people.
This is now officially my headcanon. I wrote a character once, a middle-aged black lady vehemently opposed to her teen daughter dating her white former best friend's son, pretending to be pro-black but the best friend knows she had her heart broken by the white boy she went to prom with. This is the gay version of that plot my teenage brain fever dreamed up (years after this sketch came out but I'm just seeing it now) and as such it's been on repeat for the past half hour. I wish I *had* seen this back then because it's absolute gold. As a matter of fact I wish child me had even known the Onion made videos because they were probably even funnier when topical (and I was the type of weird child that would have watched this stuff).
I'm going to show this to my future grandkids and tell them this is how news were back in my time
2:10 Herschel Walker 💀
man the quality of onion is so much better than snl.
SNL is mostly dumbed down for normal TV so they have to cater to idiots, however they can have some good moments. The Onion used to do whatever the fuck it wanted, so they could be as smart as they want. Shame it didn't last. Clever entertainment is never as popular or mainstream as the dumb-as-hell rock bottom bullshit you see everywhere.
the news at the bottom, "until 1730, ballots were made of Native American skin" 😭😭😭😭😭😭 out of pocket😭😭😭
Fun Fact: The opening title sequence was originally created for Fox News but they rejected it because it wasn't violent enough.
Based
This content has aged like a fine wine.
I need a 24/7 the Onion news channel
We’re living in it.
I need some teevision in a bar somewhere to just play TheOnion's olv videos on repeat
Anyone else notice the history blast at the bottom of the screen at 120
nick and rick, they sound like such a precious couple. damn you nick how could you do this to him.
1:13 "Nick you're a Fucker" LOL
"World Bank Chairman Groans, Gives $50 Million to Peru"
I had never seen this episode of parks and rec before
The Onion's not over the top or anything on that intro
1:30
Rofl, I love the little detail of the ice cream bucket in the bottom right.
Call me crazy, but I don't think this is about gay marriage
you’ve completely lost it
What the hell are you implying
This is so, uh, jam-packed with hilarious content. I can hardly breathe.
Ok we need to talk about how amazing the intros are
1:56 BAHAHA THE SECOND HEADLINE
God i miss these segments.
"Yeah, I assume so."
The is so well written and hilarious
So this kinda just happened but in Hungary, again, The Onion ahead of the news.
The Hungarian case was this times 20 other men. Ah the Fidesz and their antics...
What happened there
@@jamie150741 Jozsef Szajer Hungarian politician known for anti-LGBTQ stance Resigned after ‘Orgy’ bust.
I knew to expect satire, but I didn’t expect this XD
"Presidential hopeful Rick Santorum" starting with a strong joke, I see.
The intros to all their news is the best thing ever
I came back to this video after hearing about Milo Yiannopoulos being 'ex gay'. Its uncanny lmso
Shhh. Don’t feed the troll.
Milo is pre post-ex gay.
That intro has no business going that hard. 😂😂
The opening to this was so real I had to stop and think 'wait, this is the onion right? Did I click on the wrong video?'
Wow. Nine years ago. How time flies!
I don't think that opening sequence was aggressive enough.
2:22 he has a Breaking-up date on this story.. :D
Its the little things on the Onion that sometimes make it some of the funniest satire ever created. The earlier ones had the news banner that I would pay complete attention to on the second viewing.
Why does this hit home so hard omfg
the way the graphics started the video I thought they were going to talk about football
That picture of santorum crying also showed ice cream o the podium. lol
rick santorum who hurt you i will cuddle you till you feel better (im a top)
I’m gonna push off the TOP of a cliff
... Cool, I'm glad you found love. Although I'm perplexed why you felt youtube commenters needed to hear of it more than anyone else
I'm so stupid I had to rewatch because I missed all the subtle hints lol
I love this era of Onion so much.
So much good writing:
Santorum is having a gay romance breakup and 'now back to the Octa-Grid'.
9th graded awarded for graphing calculator gaming. I’m in this picture and I don’t like it
"Until 1730, ballots were made of Native American skin."
This is definitely satire.
@Enkiko 6 It seems like it would be a bad idea considering skin rots. Unless you put a crap ton of preservatives on the stuff, you would only have paper that lasts a few days at most.
Hahahaha, thank you The Onion, you just made this gay man's day.
And I assume by "gay" he was referring to the fact that this video made him happy.
Also it's amazing how the Onion still manages to make less shit up than Fox
1:32 _Important Neapolitan ice cream in the corner_
1:44: "World Bank Chairman groans, gives $50 million to Peru"
That intro is amazing.
Rick says “Frick.” to Nick because of his actions being so sick.
The Princess Carolyn News Network
Whenever i get tired of watch the real news i come here to watch onn
fingerless gloves line at the end got me good.
the title sequence is hilarious.
"world bank chair groans, gives 50 million dollars to peru"
Nick Wiseman broke 7 people's hearts.
The intro was bawsss!
This is so bad and so good!
I'm still waiting for the moment when Santorum comes out of the closet.